Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #223 Sexy Talk, Spicy Playdates & The Great Gender Debate

Episode Date: May 5, 2026

From bedroom conversations to playground politics, nothing’s off limits this week. We’re talking sexy talk, navigating spicy playdates and wading bravely into the great gender debate... and let's just say they've got some surprising revelations about the two sexes.  The boys also tap into their emotional sides reading letters to their wives ahead of Mothers' Day. And more of the things we thought we knew before having kids. Consider yourself a smart shopper? Take the ALDI IQ Test today at www.IQ.ALDI.com.au and find out if you’re a true grocery genius... or not. ALDI. Good different. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I've got a new obsession Are we on? Yeah. Are we live? We're live. Coming to you live! What have you got for me, my dad? I've got a new obsession.

It's this guy on TikTok called Gator. His name's Gator. And all he does is he does like around the house hacks, but a lot of it has to do with WD40. It is unbelievable what. I think it's right up your alley. I hope that thought. I do want to know what these hacks are.

Okay. Because I fucking love WG4. Oh my goodness. Welcome back to Two Dating Dads. I am Maddie J. And I'm Gator. This is a podcast, all about parenting. It is the good.

It is the bad. And the relatable. And we won't give advice. But we will talk about WD40. Give me a hack. What are you got? I'll talk about it to the cows come home, literally. And then I'll spray him with WD40.

Talk to me. There's low odor now. You know how it's quite pungent. I love it. That's what I want. There's low odor now for more enclosed spaces. But who has time? Pansies.

Mate, anything. Clean your fly screen. You can spray around the outer. a window to stop bugs getting in. You can spray it on you. You can drink it. You can drink it. Mate, you can do anything.

And this guy is just like, classic. Just anything you can think of. He's got a hack for it. But when he gets a WD 40 out, you can see the passion in his face for WD40. And they've got no competitors. They've got the market all to themselves. Yeah, what do they got? Like, honestly.

It's like that, olive oil. Do you know what's another? Well said. Do you know it's another really good spray? It's called Start Your Bastard. Have you ever seen it? Where is it? I'll show you.

It's how you get your lawn mower started. Can you buy it from Bunnings? Yeah. It's called Start Your Bastard. It's actually called Start Your Bastard. My grandfather got me onto it when he was alive. That's 16 bucks. 4.7 stars. Great reviews.

Yeah. What does it do? It's called, yeah, Start you can get your lawnmower started. You can get your car started. Your tractor? You got a tractor at home day. No, I wish. Not yet.

Anyway, that's my latest obsession. Is this the manliest we've ever sound on the podcast? I've got a tape measure here that says Keith. Keith definitely has a bottle of start your bastard. He would have a bottle of, he'd have a few half full bottles. Okay, talking about tape measures, housekeeping, ash, people want to know. Not really, but let's let them know where we're at with the studio. Going into measure today, hence the tape measure.

I want to be honest here. And I don't want this to take the wind out of your sales. But I'm nervous. Don't be. Because you're in charge. You're the construction guy, you're the project manager, you're the foreman, and this is your baby. This is a high-pressure gig, this one. Very high pressure.

And as you can see, by my demeanour, I am nothing but confident. You're very relaxed. Thank you. Very limber. I'm bored for this. When I'm backed into a corner, that's when I do my best work. So we are going to go measure up. We are.

Okay. Yes. In centimeters. Or mills. I'll make a decision when I get there. Can I ask the Dota's a question? because I was putting forward a suggestion and it was shut down by everyone on the team.

Ness, the editor, Vic REP, yourself, Ash, the go-host of this podcast. What was it? I said, what do we think about, not a table, but a couch? Oh, no. Slouchy. Okay, big sigh from Vic.

Vic, couch. Couches feel too casual. Well said. We should start wearing suits. And we have some very deep conversations on this show. Even about. Even about. Even that. I think with a couch, I slipped down it.

Yeah, you'd fall asleep. And you'd be talking to me and be like, Ash, they're like, shut. Melt it into the couch. Okay, fine, all right. We'll do. I think the table. We'll sit with the table. If it's not broken.

I did say with the studio, I was like, well, let's just go and buy some furniture. And Ash was like, I was waste your money. Facebook Marketplace. So I want something weathered. I want it to feel loved. My concern is, if we can't find a table that we want in time. We'll have to do it on the floor. No, no, we'll find it.

It'll be my mission to find it. I'm already started. Never you mind. But if you have a table out there, you want to get rid of it. It has to be Sydney back. Like 10 points if it's in Northern Beaches. Oh, more than 10 points. If it's in North Sydney.

The reason I also like the table is because that's your roots. That's where you came from. Like you started on a table, just two guys having a chat. And I think when guys have a chat, they are at a table. Usually with a beer. We won't do that anymore. But, yeah, it feels more like authentic to who you guys. guys are and your brand.

Feels more serious. Okay, all right. And then we're nothing but serious around here. What else you got? Housekeeping, man. I had to do a test and Vic, I think you may have done this. Ash, you're a spring chicken still, so there's no way you've done this. Thank you.

You're saying I'm old? Yes. I got a letter in the mail where I was requested to a requested. Requested. To attend a services New South Wales Centre with the letter and my license to to make sure I could see. I test. Thank you.

I've done our tests. Have you? I've not done this. I've got glasses. Yes, you are. That's right. You're a cripple. Do you know anything about me?

I always thought they were a fake, but whenever you wear those glasses, we always get a couple of comments, always either on the YouTube or someone's like, Ash, looks great at the moment. I've got them. I'd put them on. Like, work to your strengths. But you're meant to be the handsome one. That's why I leave them off. We can both be handsome, right, Vic? You're both very handsome.

Thank you. You're married? Hear that, Dan? It's hard to keep my eyes off you. So I had to go in there and I was like, I'm always 40. And did you even, Vic, no? I got no letter. Wow, okay.

Well, I went in there. I was quite nervous because I was like, I don't know fuck this up. It was so quick. Because they can take your license off you if you don't. Right. Sir, can you see you're like, who's at that? Who said that? Let me fill your face.

Sorry to the blind community out there. When you're out of Services, New South Wales, And it's just like Queensland transports. Where you go for your license renewal. There's always someone blowing up, isn't there? Oh, my God. Always. There's a couple of places I don't like.

That, Centrelink, and any doctor's reception. There's always someone having to go. The guy next to me, he was like, I've been here for 45 minutes and have you been passing me around. And I was like. Is that you, wasn't it? Who said that? Well, my.

She wasn't even. even really paying attention. She was like, scream behind her. She was like, say there's, what are those letters? And I was like, is that an O or a zero? I was panicking. Speeds of sweat coming down. I got a couple wrong and she was just like, get out of here. I think some of them you meant to get wrong.

So it's like, okay, well, I've seen that wrong because they've projected it wrong on purpose. What? Yeah. What? So you passed? A pass. So you can drive more than a perimeter of 10Ks? I can. I can. But interesting you haven't had one.

fucking a next thing they'll be like, come in, we're testing your hips. I'm like, ah, damn it. What's a test for hips? Do a squat. Do a squat. And you can't get back up and take your license off you. Yeah, sir? Squat down.

Ooh, arstagraph? No, sorry. Actually, quickly, just want to give you an update on my current renovations. Floorboards. Bloody hell. Intact still. Everything's floorboarded. Everything's floor.

There's a couple of spots that aren't. What do you mean? Well, there's like, I stupid. There is, and the thing is, with tongue and groove flooring, which is the tongue goes into a groove, so it sits in there nicely, right? I knew that. If you miss a spot, it's really hard to then get, if there's a blank spot in the middle of the floor, the tongue and the groove and everything in. Oh, that's the situation I'm in. Are we talking about you and April or floorboards?

Oh! Both. Floor boards specifically, there's one on the entrance to the master bedroom that I reckon I hear about it 15 times a day. April's just like, so what are you waiting on to fix that? I'm just like, just the courage. I'm just looking for courage, really. And then we've pulled you into the studio. Yeah, she's thrilled.

Yeah, so all good. Some of the skirtings gone down. I've been away for a week, so next week I'll hopefully be finished. Next week. Hopefully. Next week. Until I start a new project and completely forget about that one whatsoever. What about when you put the holes in your kitchen?

The bench. The hole I've got in there. Yeah. It's still there. Is it? Yeah. The kids keep putting things in there. I'm hiding all.

all my treasures in there. No, that's the next thing. Once the floors are done, then I'm going to put more holes in the wall. It's been going on a while now. Well, I do her regular job, which is this. Oh, please. It's not really a job, is it?

Please, come on. I do most of the work. Wow, that is true. Why don't you come over and finish the flooring then? I reckon she would. I know. I wish you got to build a husband. She'd be like, just you don't tell I'll do it.

Anyway, I had a conversation just really quickly with a couple in the park. and I don't know if they listen to the podcast. I don't think they do, but if by any chance they are listening, I want to apologize. Just really quick. I owe you an apology. On the weekend, we were at a park. We were waiting for ice creams at that little cafe.

And as we were eating the ice creams, they were also sitting at a table, not far from us. And I think the mum may have listened to a shitty little podcast called Life Uncut. Terrible. It's not. What is that? I don't know. Good luck to them. I wish them all the best.

Honestly, I heard us dreadful. That's not my words. I think that at the end of like Not long to go now before. You know when they're like All Good things come to an end? That's why I'm still going because it's not a good.

It's not good. No. I'm sorry Laura. And she goes, look, she had two kids and she goes, I am actually pregnant with my third. Oh, no. To Laura.

And she goes, look, be honest with me. Be real. What are the things that no one talked you about with a third child? There'll be three of them? I just waited. Laura said her bit. And she's a very positive woman, Laura.

Right? And she was like, look, it's beautiful. It is amazing. I love it. Like, it's the best thing I've ever done in my life. And I was waiting. And I was like, just going to wait until she's got a,

like, she's wrapped up her sentence. And I was like, listen here. Forget everything she just said. She's put on the front. The husband was also there. And I was like,

did any of you ever go away for work? And they're, oh, well, because when it happens, and it will, and you're going to regret it. You will. It's just a fact. You're outnumbered. You're exhausted. You want it to end, and it won't.

It'll continue. And I didn't, I didn't get that hard. How far along was she at this point? I couldn't tell. She looked great. I'm like, really good. Far out. But I just said, look, it is hard when you're outnumbered,

and you're single parenting at times. There are moments. And then before I kind of gave her a second to respond, I was like, and another thing. And her husband's like, preach. Let the man speak. He looked pretty nervous. How well behaved with the other kids. They were just, they were actually pretty good.

But I just thought, you know what? Like, I'm just going to give it to a straight. I'm just going to manage her expectations. I know. It's shit. I want her to prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. Yes. Expect the worst, but then get the best.

Right? Because if I'm like, it's fucking. great, you're going to love it. This is beautiful. It's the best thing you ever did. When she's there at 2 a.m. with a screaming child, she'll go, fucking Maddie J. He was right. No, but if I say it's going to be amazing. Oh, yeah. And then it's not amazing. She's going to come for me. Yeah.

Right? I don't want a woman coming for me. Honestly. She's my wife. Oh, I was waiting for that. God, he's got a written down on his hands. He's got that punchline written down on his hand, for sure. I'm so sorry. He was like, I don't want anyone coming for me. Pause. There was a pause.

Pause. Except my life. I've scripted the whole episode up until now. And I'm looking behind me for a teleprompter? No, I just said... Five stars on the joke. I just said, look, the hardest thing I find right now with three kids... Is making my wife come.

Sorry. Sorry. Vic is very unimpressed with us. I know, no. I apologize from this moment. It'll be a clean episode. Sure. not because you've got to see what I got for you next.

I know. I say the hardest thing right now is that with three children, the older two, Miley is seven, Lola's five. You're trying to give them as much time as you used to. You're trying to play with them, be present, give them attention, make them feel loved. But you can't because you've now got a newborn child. So you're constantly like kind of drip feeding your attention to them. At the same time, I'm looking at Poppy and I'm going,

fuck, we're almost seven months now. And that's just gone. in the blink of an eye. And I'm like, I feel like, you know, she's now crawling and I've not really savored enough of these newborn moments. And it's my last time I'll ever have a newborn. And so you're really trying to find this happy meeting between giving the older two enough attention, but also attention to the newborn. And you can't. So you just feel like you kind of just a bit shit, really, because you're being pulled. You feel like you're not filling up the cups enough. Thank you. It's too many. You're outnumbered. Outnumbered. Too many cups. You can only do

what you can do. So I get it. And so then I looked at the couple and I was, kind of like, oh. Shaking. Like a simple, Hey, Hawaii, yeah, I'm good,

would have been suffice. But I was like, well, then this happened. He's given him a full rundown of everything that's happening. It was night time.

By the time I finished talking, I was happy. She had the baby. She's like, it's actually one years old now. You finished? And then Laura afterwards was like,

what was wrong with you? And I was like, I just wanted to give it to them straight. And she's like, you just traumatize them. And I'm like, is that a bad thing? To be fair,

you both gave. him a little of something. So it's going to even out. Thank you. But I think like if you go in with all the, it's all going to be fucking rainbows. You're getting ready to be hit in the face. Like I'd much rather, would you much rather be king hit or no, it's coming?

No, it's coming. Yeah. I want a brace. Yeah. Like, where you're going to hit me in the kidneys? Cool. I'm going to like... They have to me flex my kidneys. Can you do that? That's not the muscle. It's an organ. Damn it. Matt, it's been a while. Matt, it's been a while. I don't know if I want this part now. Oh, yeah, you do. I definitely don't.

It's been a while since we've celebrated on this podcast. And I use the word celebrated because I'm not here to shame any child or parent or whatever. We never would never do that on the podcast. But it's been a little while since we've celebrated a decent poo. Yeah. Okay. I can't tell you how many times I do a poo and I'm like, I really want to send this to Ash. I'm talking kid poo, bro.

I don't want an adult human poo. Okay. Noted. No, no. Don't send it to me. Please. Oh, I've got enough mates who send me pictures of their fucking poo. What? Anyway. Hang on a second. It's been a while.

Who is it? It used to be... It's miles, isn't it? Yeah. There was an app called Rate My Poo. Remember that? It was really going around. Okay.

Moving on. So it's been a while since we celebrated. But it's come to my attention. My friend, who I went away with recently, which we'll talk about later. They have a little boy, same age as Oscar, which is turning seven this year. And he's a once a week, pooher. Like, which baffles me. My younger brother used to be one of those.

Yeah? Were they ever uncomfortable? He would go to the bathroom for like a good 45 minutes. Wow. Once we're on a yacht. On the Witt Sundays. Sunk it. And it was always a catamaranx.

They had like those tiny little sea toilets. Fucking out of order. Couldn't handle it. You hear this, the boat's like, wallie. Once a week is crazy to me. And I think like, what the heck? And also like they're so young that the PSI on their poos is just unbelievable. I reckon. So they have brought to my attention a week-long wait for this particular poo,

which I'm going to show you. Oh my God. Okay. Will we post this one, Vic? We'll have to put like a trigger warning. At first glance. Because people out there, they, they are invested in this topic. Right, Dota's? First glance, you're going to see it, but I want you to potentially zoom in to really get the full effect of this. Okay. Oh, my God. Oh, that's nothing. No, no, no, no. That's what I mean. That's nothing. What are you pushing out? Look how it wraps down and around.

Oh my God! It's like three feet long. Oh! Great little kid. I can't. Terrible bow, no. Just like, he's healthy. It's nice and smooth.

It's very dark. It's very dark. See it wrap around? Yeah. Like a snake. Takes a little left turn. That's so gross. And believe it or not, no, the last time we celebrated a poo was when I went to Bali that time and showed you a poo from that.

Oh, no, no. No, no. Same kid. Macy's was the one that was, it was girthy. It was like, she pushed out an American football into a nappy. Anyway, we celebrate poos around here, and I think that is outstanding work. Keep it up, Lenny. Just speaking of poos, very quickly, just very, very quickly, I went to a birthday party on the weekend.

It was in Centennial Park. I had to go to the restroom. See, I'm trying to keep it clean, Vic. I went to the bathroom, and this is what I was faced with. If you were faced with a similar toilet like this one, answer me this, Ash. Would you A, just sit down and embrace the stainless steel? Or B, would you squat? Okay.

Hover, if you will. Oh, no toilet seat. That's... Prison. Prison star. Were you in prison? Where is this? Centennial Park. I think they need to update that.

As soon as I saw it, I was like, I know exactly where you are you. You've been there. Now, I come from a long line of hoverers. Okay, my dad was a hoverer. His dad's dad was a hoverer. His dad's dad was a hoverer because of spiders in the outhouse. But my dad was a hoverer because of hemorrhoids. Sorry, dad.

But I find that too much hard work. So I would gladly sit on that. You've got great quads. Quadzilla, they call me. The pistons. But they're not hovering quads. You know the annoying thing was? They had just cleaned the toilet, so there was still a lot of wetness on the floor.

So my shorts, then, the ends of the shorts then got... That irks me more. Also, as well, what scares me is if I'm wearing quite a long t-shirt in a particular day and I go to sit down and I forget I'm on a long shirt, that I might accidentally poop in the back of my t-shirt. You're wearing a dress? What are you doing? A shirt skirt. Nice. A moomoo. But that's just a fear of mine.

How low are you putting your shorts when you're on the toilet? Well, you're on full range of motion. Well, I was like, they were like around the knees, but then as I was hovering, then they dropped. And I was also scrolling on my phone. So multitasking. It was very hard. I got a tip. Go on? Tuck the bottom of your shorts into your socks.

I was wearing crocs. Well, that's your fault for wearing crocs. Thank you. But it's a bad feeling when you stand up and you feel it on the back of your thighs. You're like, damn it. Day ruined. And I was wearing like creamy shorts. Anyway.

Is it piss or is it just wetness? It's probably pissed. Let's be honest. Ash, we had our episode come out on Monday with the sexologist Juliet Allen. Oh, yes. How much sex have you had since that episode? Endless. No.

Look, a moderate amount. A sprinkling? a dash, a tasting, if you will. I will. We definitely took a solid advice, which was to kiss my wife before I leave and when I get back. The issue with that.

And now she's like, oh, that's what you want. When Laura leaves, I've never brushed my teeth. And so I've got like, fermented breath. I'm like, come here. I don't know, people, like, when you watch a movie and they wake up and they kiss, you're like, oh, is this a horror movie? Fuck, sake.

We did, I did. We did our business once. Nice. And happy to say that in that episode we talked about, it's hard trying to make any noise because poppy's in the room with us. I have built a cot. The cot is built. Poppy is in that cot in another room.

So we did our thing. What was the first word out of you, man? I still, I was stuck in the poppy. Ah, yeah. And then I, and then. I was like, talk, damn it.

And then also the cat was being so loud downstairs. Is that you meowing? And I was like, did you hear that? And you're like, oh. And I was like, I think we're being robbed. This shit was banging downstairs. The cat was making such a racket. She was like, what do you mean?

And I was like, I think I was very distracted. And it was. And then there was no poppy in the room. And it was. Everything was a lot harder, a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. Well, at least tried. If you know what I'm saying. You have that rude,

written down It was a lot harder, wink, if you know what I'm saying. But I was distracted. Like, yeah, I haven't tried anything other than the... And look, I don't feel like the noise is a problem for us. I'm not sitting there being... Go on.

I'm not like, I'm not... Who's that? I don't know if we're silent. Are we? You mimming to each other? Do it a cladet? Yeah, anyway. Yeah, the kiss, hello.

goodbye. I think it's a good start for us. I love that. And I hope all the doters out there are getting their little kisses goodbye. I hope they're getting some. Yeah, actually. You're smirking right now, listening. Yeah, big hornbags. Moving on. Okay, breaking news. Breaking news.

Yes. The one and only. This is really on part with what you guys have already been discussing. Pooh, sex or none of the above? This is, coming from someone who always tries to move the topic away from the bathroom and toilets and poo. I know.

Bit rich of you to choose this one, Vic. I'm turning into you guys. Literally. It happens. It happens. Just embrace it. Well, clearly I am, so take a listen to this. A new survey has revealed the average man spends seven hours a year hiding in the bathroom,

not for hygiene, but for a little peace and quiet. Just side note, they're amateur numbers. The study of 1,000 British men found one in three admit using the toilet as a personal escape zone with nearly a quarter calling it their official safe space away from chores, noise and family chaos. Researchers say the bathroom has become the modern day man cave, leaving women everywhere feeling validated but still annoyed. You said British. You lived in London for a while. I am British, actually. Seven hours? What's that? Per year? What are these men doing? How did they tally that? Why are they even agreeing to take this survey? That's just like...

Snitchers? We, yeah, when we have kids, we have a vow of science. violence. Yeah. Who's, it'd be one guy. It was me. Vic, as a mum, you are a mother. Indeed. Surely, surely you can just lock the door, right?

Get some peace and quiet. Like, have you ever with Dan, your husband going, hey, Dan, I'm just going to the Lou, and then just going, ah, it's nice in here. Yes. I do lock the door, but if I do lock it, like the kids absolutely riot. So it's not worth it. It's like when you're at work and the boss is not in that day. Is that what it's like when you're in the bathroom?

The kid's like, no boss today, let's go and they go crazy? Or they just try to get to you? They're trying to get to me. They riot and they get very, very upset. Like, I can smell her. Oh, sorry. Maybe it's the fact that my business is quite a smell. I don't think.

Amen. I don't think my kids want to be anywhere near me when I'm... Oh, yeah. I try and drag him in all the time. Yeah, I know. Like, come here. It'd be punishment, I think, if they were in the room with me. Yeah, I think it's because most...

Most of the time I'm not doing a number two. I'm just like sitting on the toilet so I can do this space from them. So I can like, I don't know, write back to messages or emails or like just to have some away time because it's the one place they don't find us. Are you saying this podcast is edited in the bathroom? It is for sure. Some of it, partial bits have been edited in the bathroom. I can feel it.

Definitely not. But our bathroom in our new place, it's behind the door. So you can't actually see it and it's almost like a little hidey hole. And so sometimes I keep the door. open and then be in there so that it can't find me. Genius. Genius. Sometimes if I lock the door, I was like, what did you look a door for?

I was like, so the kids don't come in. She was like, well, they come in when I go and I go, lock the door. Like, why get in trouble either way? It is the one activity that I get peace and quiet. So, yeah, sometimes I'm like, oh, I'm doing a, I'm quite regular. So, you know, four trips to the bathroom in a day is not uncommon for me. Really? Thank you.

Fuck, we've got, we. You should get that checked. Yeah, is that normal? Look at his face? He's like, first the eyes, now the a ass, what the hell? You are 40 this year, next year. Next year, 39. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, Vic. Bringing all the hard-hitting news to the Dota's. Like I said, amateur numbers, and I don't think, over a course of a year, seven hours isn't much. Well, I'm intrigued to know if they did this study in Australia, an Australian man, if there'd be similar numbers, because I feel like they'd be much higher. This study is dangerous. And we need to put an end to it immediately. Although, yeah, okay.

Sadie shows that men are pieces of shit. I have realized something, which is pretty obvious. Maybe it's because my sister has been away for such a long time. And she's my go-to parent when I need to get some support. What about me? You live in the northern beaches. Me? No.

Obviously, you call me every now and then, which I really appreciate. You never answer. I know. I know. It's the fact that you're ringing that I'm like, ah. You're like, ah, nah. I won't pick up, but I just like that you're thinking about me. It was a pocket doll.

It's a very toxic relationship. Yeah, what the hell is that about? So on Thursdays. You ring, I'm like, yes, hello, talk to me. I called you on Saturday. You didn't pick up. After I were like, are you ever going to respond to me? Yeah, you did send me a couple of messages I didn't respond to it.

He's so bad. It's mean. He sends me like the silliest things. I'm a silly boy. I'm silly. We better on a text message. I thought it would be silly with me. But on a Thursday.

I'm serious, Matt. Thursdays I pick up the kids. And then I'm like, what to do with the kids? Because, you know, it's, I don't want to go home straight away because the kids are going to fuck the house up. I don't want to go to the beach because it's too cold now. So what we've gotten into a routine of doing is there's some tennis courts where my niece and nephew have a tennis lesson. And so my sister has three kids. They all go to the tennis courts because next to the tennis court is a park.

A spot of tennis. I mean, it's tennis. That's a rich person sport. I'm just to be honest. Kids play tennis. Oh, our kids are little tennis stars. If I was to say the kids do horse polo. They do that too, don't they?

That's on Wednesdays. And pony club on the school holidays. Then fine. Give me some shit. But we're playing tennis. Tennis is like, that's middle class. peak middle class. Is it? Yeah. No, it's not. What's the sponsor? Rolex. I think it's middle class.

Rolex is a sponsor of tennis tournaments, aren't they? What does that tell you? Oh, well, anyway, I'll start playing tennis with my Rolex on. Go. Finish. So, I thought to myself, this is, this makes parenting a lot easier. Okay. The fact that I'm with my sister, we've got all the kids together. So whilst one of them is having a lesson, we would go down to the park. The kids are playing in the park. George brings is football, and there's also some goalposts, so we do some kicking, and I'm just like, this is what it's all about. You know, this is my little village.

It makes it so much easier than taking them home and then being like, now what do we do? Because they're like, what are we doing? Like they've spent all day, and sometimes they're a bit ratty. It's like, let them get ratty out there. And the kids play together so nicely. They really do. They're all a similar age. And I'm just like, this is what it's meant to be.

Right? And then next to the tennis court is a little community. community garden. Love this. Sounds lovely. It's just great, right? And what Marley's really into at the moment is making potions. And they were playing so well together.

They were in the community garden and I'm like, they're probably picking like cucumbers or something. Like a witch. Kind of, yeah, fairy, but sure. Fairy. Forgot about them. Go. Sorry, Marley, that's what I meant.

You witch. How dare you? Sorry. I just automatically go to the bad guys. I know. But so she's making these potions. I'm there kicking with George and I hear this blood-curdling scream.

Oh, no. And you're like, please don't be my child. You know your child screams too. I hate that the most. You can't ignore it. It was like she had been attacked. Like it was blood-curdling scream. And it was getting closer towards me

and I was like, damn it! Bad potion. And I was like, what have you done? And she's hysterical. She's like, and I'm like, okay, okay, what are we like? What are we working with here? What's the problem?

Where does it hurt? Was she intact? Intact. I was like, you know, I'm like a paramedic right now. I'm like scanning the body. I'm like, nothing's cut. Maybe a broken bone, disiccated finger. Scanning, scanning, scanning.

Can't find anything. And she's like, it's in my face. It's in my eyes. Oh. And I'm like, fucking like, okay, what do we got here? And I'm like, she just can't get any words out because she's so hysterical. And even people in the park are like, looking over like, oh my God, this is pretty serious.

They were like, can you show your girl? Yeah, yeah, we're having a nice time. We're trying to have a picnic over here. And I'm there, I'm trying to stay calm. 30 love. No, sorry. Sorry, got tennis on the mind. I'm enjoying the tennis right now.

And then it turns out in the community garden is a little chili bush. And they have gotten the chilies. The small ones, they have ripped, them up and they have then in this bowl put like chili water and then she has unknowingly rubbed her eyes Oh, been there

with the chili water and I and then one of the other kids came over with a bowl and I'm like, what's, what do we got here? And I'm like, what the fuck is this? It's just a bowl. Chipotle. Yeah. And then as well, I know it's in the eye

so I've got the water bubbleer trying to, I'm like, open your eyes. Dunking her face in the, bubble and I'm like, keep blinking. Let the water in. You're waterboarding your charms. I was thinking to myself, how long is this going to last?

And Marley's like, am I going to die? And I'm like, no. Maybe. And then this fucking guy comes over and his dog is thirsty because there's a lot of dogs in the park. And he's there waiting patiently. And I'm like, oh, I might be a while here, dude. And he's like, that's okay.

And then I was like, you're an audience. I'm like, we have a quick sit with your dog. And so I'm like, hang on, Mali, get Mali off the buggler. And he starts in giving his dog a drink of water. And it's a long drink. Big old thirsty dog. For like three minutes. And I'm like, do you want to hurry up?

Because my child's there like screaming. One lady come over and said, should I call an ambulance? Yes. Call a milk man. That's what we need. And I was like, we're fine. You don't want to learn that lesson that young. Have you done it?

I think like an acute. I did it once years ago before kids. I was with April. We were at home. We were cooking. I did it then and I was like, oh no. And I realized before it stung that I've done this. They were homegrown chilies too.

I've never grown chilies again because of this. It's dangerous. It's like having a gun in the house. No point. I know. It's so dangerous. Anyway, so I did it. And neck minute, I'm in the shower.

And I'm like, bring me the milk. Anyway, so April's had to bring. Do you put milk in your eyes? I was in the shower just going. Just dousing myself in milk. Trying to stop. And I'm just like, it's empty. Get the oat milk out.

The oat milk, the almond milk, the whole lot. Soy. The soy? Bring it in. Whatever you got. Bring in the milk. There's a cow. It was dreadful.

It's horrific. So I can't imagine a six, seven year old going through that. So like not even knowing really what a chili is. is. Yeah, no idea. Like, what is this? She was like, she genuinely thought, this was the end. This is how it was going to fucking all come to a closure for her. And then I knew Laura was driving home from work at the same time. And because we were in Bondi, I'm like, I'll call Laura. Because I was on the bike and I'm like, fuck. I don't, like, imagine putting trouble on the back of the, and wind, getting wind in it afterwards. Oh, my goodness. So then I'm,

I call Laura. And at the same time as I call Laura, because you know kids hate water in their eyes. Oh yeah. So then she's like re-rubbed her eyes. I'm like, oh, we're back to square one. Oh, it is honestly. Here we go again. I'm like, don't fucking touch your eyes. And then I call Laura on the speaker and I go, where are you?

And then Marley's going like, am I going to die? And Laura goes, what's happened? I'm like, just where are you? She goes, what's happened? Doesn't fucking matter. Where are you? And then neither one of us wants to be for 10 minutes. And I'm just like, where are you?

We need assistance. What's happened? Where are you? Oh, God. Guys trying to fucking water his dog. I'm like, fuck off, mate. Get your German Shepherd out here. His dog's parched.

Yeah, again. Luckily, Laura did a drive-by through Mali in the back of the car. They got home. And the other kids were all like... Chili anyone? It's just, it's the blink of an eye. It just goes from being, I mean... Sorry.

A rough week in the eye department for the Johnsons. Sorry, Marley. And she got summoned for an eye test the next day. He's like, Daddy blinded me! One second, everyone's having a great time. Next thing, child's going blind. Nothing ruins a vibe like a chilly in the eye. And it's always when you think to yourself, you're like,

oh, this is nice. Yeah. This is nice. I could get used to this. You're like, actually, this is actually a really nice day. We should do this more often. And then something happens. And then Marley comes and she's got a fucking samurai.

I saw it in her back and I'm like oh fucking hell and then they traumatise as well they're like I want to go back to that park that park yeah I'll never go back to that park again and it's like it wasn't the park you were making potions with chili just stay away from the chili

but also community gardens don't put a chili in there that's fucking and we we did what was next to the chili marijuana that'll fix it Matt I was away again how dear what's this

what's this a 20th holiday for the year fucking hell I'll pay you too much well I don't have a secondary house that I can go to, that it's a holiday house. I've got to go on trips. I'm not sure if you know what that's like. I wouldn't know.

You know what it's like to be paid for those people going on. So we went away, went to Yambor, went to Blue Dolphin. Great. Great for the kids. Is that a caravan park? It is a caravan park. I love that. Cabins. It was really windy, which was annoying.

All right, April. We'll get there. It was really windy, which it's going to happen but the cabins wind does happen guys I hate to break it to you but wind happens

no one knows where it comes from who knows something to do with high and low pressure that's garbage is that wind still going I think it's just momentum of air and then it put it on a t-shirt

momentum of air but all the cabins were lined up next to each other creating wind tunnels in between each of them so it was kind of like you couldn't use that space But great for the kids, okay? It's one of those parks that has pool, water slides, skate park, playgrounds, big trampoline, like bubble thing. Heaven. Great for the kids, but for us it's like, okay, well, I feel like I'm just staying at a theme park pretty much.

Because then they're like, kids also don't understand that it's like when enough is enough to go home, especially when they're like, but it's here. You know, it's like, well, come coming for dinner. They're like, yeah, but this is here. But I'm on the trampoline. I'm on the trampoline. I'm on the trampoline. So really good trip. A couple of things.

Weather wasn't amazing, as I've said. But one thing I know Win the whole time It was windy the whole time Shame Yeah What I've noticed And I've missed out on

Is so we went with another couple Who have two kids Boy and a girl Same eight They're kids They're friends with our kids Older boy Younger girl

And a couple of times When we were going places We would The boys would The boys would Want to drive together In their car And then the girls

Would be in our car And I was thinking This is what it's like For Matt To have girls in the car I'm a little bit jealous Because they're just Talking about

Rainbow Macy was like I like flowers and Ziggy was like, I like rainbows and princesses. I'm like, this is delightful. I fucking love this. I love this. Then I had the two boys in the car. Oh my God. What are they doing? Seriously.

Oh, fucking farts. You smell like farts. Head out the window. They're like having a couple of fucking golden retrievers in the bat and they're just like stealing shit of each other. They're like, oh yeah, you're fucking slime. Out of the window.

Dad, I've just shit myself. Literally. And it's just like kicking the back my seat, I'm like, this is fucking chaos. So I don't know how boy parents do it at all times. And I was like, freak back the princesses and the flowers. What are the rainbows? I know. And they're just like, ooh, did you fart?

And they're like, smell the finger. I was like, oh, God, fucking up. Hey, dad. Hey, dad. I always thought I wanted boys until I see young boys. And I'm like, oh, yeah. Awful. And they're just like, oh, would you come in cross country?

Fuck, shut it. Shut up, we get the girls back in here. The other morning, my girls woke up, and they coloured in for half an hour. I know, I'm like fucking dealing with two knuckleheads in the back of my car, who can get the most air in their mouth outside the window. They're so dumb. Boys are dumb. They're so dumb.

It's raining. We're going to dinner. I don't care. Fucking God. Can we swap seats? We're driving. Yeah. Can I just say, though, you're saying, like, these kids are always talking about farting and stuff?

and then here's you bringing proof. Oh, wow, Victoria! How dare you? We're mature men. That's the same thing. Kind of. It is a little bit of similar, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I sometimes every now and then, I think to myself, what would life be like if I had a boy in the mix? Yeah. I wonder what that would be like. And the girls were like, oh, they were listening to Elsa. And we're all singing, it's lovely. And the boys come in and they're like, disrespect your surroundings.

They like put something heavier on. I'm like, Jesus, God. They're like, loop biscuit, put it on. And I'm like, fucking hell. God. Anyway, the weather finally got to us. It wasn't the kids that got to us. It wore you down.

It didn't wear me down. Look, honestly, and this is going to sound horrible, the thought of a family holiday is much better than the actual family holiday. Yep. I'll be honest. It's like, we could do this at home. Because the kids are just like, you know, and I know it's not for me. Some of it's for me because it's like, well, it's meant to be a family holiday.

I'm part of the family, I think. Anyway, it was... If I'm not mistaken. If I'm not mistaken, it's like, I've got to beg to go for a serve. Please, can I go for a serve? I can't stand these kids and it's raining. Fuck! Anyway, the rain got to us in the end.

It was the second last day and I planted a little seed with April about how about we drive all the way home in one stint, instead of breaking it up for the kids, okay? Which is seven hours. It's not that long for us, but for kids, it's forever. And I planted that seed early doors because I knew the weather was going to get worse. How did you plant the seed? I just said, how about we try? Because we're planning on driving to my parents at some point and they're further.

And it's like, they're going to have to do longer stints than that. And she was like, okay, yeah, that's fine. But that little seed planted the chance for her to be like, we could just go home. And on the last day, Mike and I had a surf in the morning and came back. And the weather was getting worse. And there was like a weather warning. and April was like, oh, maybe we should go. And I was like, look, it's up to you.

Yes. It's up to you, totally up to you. It worked. Fucking worked. So manipulative. Sorry. You're playing songs like home? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just like constantly. I was like, someone told me long. We're rain before storm. Anyway, I was like, look, it's up to you. I'm easy. Got one more night here. It's meant to get worse. You do what you need to do.

knowing full well what's going to happen. Was there actually a weather morning? Yeah, there actually was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And anyway, because of the weather, the towels didn't dry. And that really set her off. You brought your own beach towns. No, no, like towers, like cabin towers, beach.

Any tower in the vicinity of that caravan park was not dry. That was the first thing. And then I realized how wet the floor tower was hanging up outside and realized how wet it was going to be forever at this point. Because it was, so I placed it outside the bathroom. when April's in the bathroom and she's come out of the bathroom, stepped on a drenching tower and gone, that's it! We're going home!

And I was like, no. Oh, no, you sure? Did you try and get a refund on the last night? You can't, could you? No, I'm not. I don't give you shit about that. Like, I'm out of here. Money bags over here?

So anyway, around the time I made my first million. Anyway, so packed the car up and we said to her friends, look, we're going to go. They were planning on going up to their family. which is further north anyway the next day early in the morning. So it was like, it was over. Do the kids have any concept of time? Were they like, well, that last two days went real quick?

Yeah, when we were talking about it, I just dangled Popper in front of them pretty much. And I was like, we get to go and see Popper. And they were like, Papa, he's our favorite. Let's go! In the car, seven hours all the way home. April in bed reading a book. Boom, done. And I got a head start on.

Nothing. I had nothing to do. I just got a head start. But I wasn't on holidays anymore. And that was a fantastic. You could have said that. If we go home, I'll do the skirting. No, I don't want to promise anything. Anyway, got home.

Holiday ended earlier, which led me to ask the question to the Dotas. What has cut their family holiday short? What's happened? What's happened? So there is a couple of responses, which we will read out to you now. Okay, this one's from Kayla. A gnarly rat got in the tent, and we all screamed, panicked, threw everything out in the bush, stomped the tent flat and waited in the car until morning.

I was at night. We packed our shine from the bush and left as soon as the sun rose. Good memories. What do you mean you stomped the tent flat? The fact is I didn't know was nighttime until she said we all spent the night in the car. Camping is hard work. Camping is like, I think you've got to have some big balls on you if you're going to take the kids camping. Those people who take young children, like under the age of five camping,

bloody hell. Nah, no thanks. Wow. Obviously, if you're like a professional camper. More of a resort guy myself. I'm a big resort guy. I'm a big, someone's like resort? Yep.

Like camping? Nope. Nope. Okay, this is from Dominique. We left our family holiday early because on the way there, my husband took a wrong turn, drove our car into a waterway, which was deeper than expected. We stayed stranded for six.

hours in the middle of nowhere with nothing around us, no traffic and with little reception on a long weekend so no services wanted to touch us. Oh my God. Oh my goodness. Then spent all of our holiday money on trying to get rescued. Oh my God. Long story short, we eventually had to buy a new car. What?

And then ditch our old car at the holiday destination. Oh, my God. That is awful. I hear I am complaining about wet town And then We stood on a damp town And these people are just like We don't have a car anymore

Wow And it'd be funny The car broke down on holiday So we just moved there We don't live in Yamba Have you ever gone home from a family trip Like when you were a kid? I don't think we have

I think But in saying that We've always been in a hotel Victoria, welcome on the microphone We have In the bushfires of like 94, we had to leave our campsite early because all the bushfires were coming. And it was a real stress and rush. And as we were driving around, you can see the bushfires on the side of the highway.

Yeah, it's scary. Yeah. Actually, yeah, not to. Kind of exciting. Not to one up, yeah. Not to story top you. But the bushfires down the south coast five years ago, I think it was. Yeah, I was there for a wedding.

We left twice. Once we went camping. It rained the first day. Never camped again. And I was a kid. That was it. That was done. Dad took us home immediately.

And then one other time, my sister had a lot of, like, allergies when she was a kid growing up, poor thing. She could barely breathe. And she would have a nasal spray. And I remember we got like five hours up the road, forgot the nasal spray. And it wasn't back in the day when you could have, like, you're on your phone, your script and stuff. Oh, yeah.

You need to go to a doctor. The nasal spray. So we had to turn around holiday canceled. Holy shit. Dad was like, oh, fuck. No. No, that's 10 hours to get home pretty much. I'm not going to then venture back out.

Matt, we're currently running a segment thanks to Audi, which is, what did you think you knew before you had kids? This is a great one. This is a good one. Also, shout out to Audi, who are currently paying the bills for us right now. And pre-kid adults are delusional. I did say if I could go back in time and punch myself in the throat for the things that I said before I had kids,

I would. Me too. I would punch myself right in the Adams apple. Straight in that Adam's apple. So, listen to us to have very, sent theirs in, which is always a good lull. It's from Haley, that the terrible twos are the hardest. Three is so much harder than two and both are a picnic compared to nine and a tropical

holiday compared to 15. Haley, it just gets harder and harder. Well, three, I thought three was about three-nager. Okay, so it's like having a teenage before, long before being a teenager. Yeah. But then it's like, they get more and more smarter and then they're harder to manage. And then they just, once they learn attitude, like once they learn how to talk back, then you just, it's banging your head against the wall.

And they know what makes you tick as well. This one is from Abby. I always thought my kids would listen and I would never have to bribe them to make them listen. Yeah, right. Now it is bribe city in this place. They just don't fucking listen. It goes from bribe to threaten real quick. I like, fuck, every time in the bath, I'm like, on the shoulder, toothbrush.

I'm like, thank you so much for brushing your teeth. Thank you so much. I know. Thank you for brushing your teeth. Good girl. And then they'll finally grab it after like five minutes. And I'm like, thank you. There it is.

Put your toothbrush in your mouth. Thank you so much. I really appreciate how well you're brushing your teeth right now. And they're just like, this guy doesn't have fucking shuts up, does he? If someone from another planet was looking in on this, they would think we're so pathetic. They would like, look how pathetic this fully grown man is. On my country of Volk. Sorry.

On my planet of Volk. We make kids blush teeth. They blush my teeth. It's just like, fucking hell. It's just like, they'll get it. They'll get what they want. And then it'll turn into me threatening to take it off of whatever I bribe them. I'll take it off you.

All right, this one's from Laura. That having three boys is fun. Imagine what those car rides are like. Now I'm just glad if we don't end up at the hospital every night. Once again, so glad. So glad. I don't have boys. Do you think there was once a time when I was like,

oh, I'll never get to have a boy. I'm so upset. Now I'm ever boy comes near me. I'm like, fuck off. Last one from Simone. I never thought I'd have a kid hide crayons in his foreskin or shove a blowfly in his ear. Oh my God.

Then he tried to get it out with an earbud, so it got distressed and dropped all. Oh, my God. Once again, boy. boys. Deliver the goods. It's like, just expect the worst. Like, putting a crayon in your fory.

I wish I could. Well, you could. Pre-6. Yeah, pre-6 when I got Oh, those are the days. Do you remember being at the supermarket before you had kids and you'd look at a child having a meltdown, like on their back kicking and screaming. And I think to myself,

that is such a neglectful parent. Unable to control their child. Like, they really should. I always thought my kid will never do that. No. Bullshit. When they have a meltdown, I'm just like, well, I'll just sit here in silence until that wears down and then you've got to wait and you're like, and people stare at me.

I'm like, what is it? I just pretend they're not mine. I'm just like, who's kids this? Come and get your kid. Oh, look, we might not have parenting figured out, but we can still be smart at the supermarket. Take the ALDI IQ test today at ALDI.com. You'll find out if you are a true grocery genius or not. Yeah, shop smarter when you show.

shop at Aldi. Aldi, good, different. Matt, it is Mother's Day this weekend, so we thought we would send a little message to our wives and the mother of our children. Yes, and also a little reminder to any dads who may be listening, do not forget. Do something right now. At a bare minimum, put on breakfast, take the kids out the house, and give your beautiful

partner just a little bit of reprieve from the children. Maybe a foot rub. Ooh. A foot real. You like that. With no expectations. We just put, include that point. Disclamer. Yeah.

So we're five minutes in and you're still a naked. He's my foot. Can I ask, how often do you sit down and make an effort to like let April know the gratitude that you have for her? Every day. Do you? No. Fuck, I don't do it enough. No, no.

It's sort of like life gets in the way. You're sort of try and do little things here and there to make sure that you know, they know that you're thinking about them, stuff like that. I think like my wife's love language is what. acts of service. So if I've cleaned the house and made the kids lunches and stuff, she's just like, ah, chef's kiss. And it's only those, sometimes it's those little things. It's all they need, all they want. And can I just add to that? For me, a handwritten card from Dan is one of the best parts of the present, despite the present, like love the present, but... You heard that Dan, don't get the present? Just write my card.

The card he writes, he only writes it's short and sweet, but that little message just to know is that acknowledgement of what you're doing. If you're not sure what to do for Mother's Day, that is the minimum of what will make her smile on Mother's Day. But also we'll add that we decided to write these letters without being prompted by Victoria for the record. Did we? I don't want to make any promises. This is a quick little message to April if you're listening.

Start the music. No. April, happy Mother's Day, babe. You're the beating heart and the muscles of this family. The way that you love our kids, you cuddle them, you're so calm and you give them endless love. The kids absolutely worship you. And honestly, so do I.

You make motherhood look effortless, even though I know it's anything but. You also know your way around a family calendar better than anyone I know. Thank you for loving our family the way you do. The kids and I would be lost, literally, without you. We'd have no clean clothes, and meals would consist of corn thins and yogurt pouches. Also, thank you for tolerating a husband who impersonates you for a living and still occasionally needs supervision himself. And when I say occasionally, I mean all the time.

You're an incredible mum and I'm so proud to call you my wife. Happy Mother's Day. That was beautiful. Lovely. Well done, Ashton. Thank you, Chad, GPT. Just gave me the template, okay, guys? Laura,

nothing really prepares you for being a parent. No book teaches you how to love your child in the moments they make it the hardest. How to find patients at 2 a.m. when you haven't slept in days. How to be present after a day that has emptied you. And how to make them feel safe just by being in the room. looking back it seems impossible to believe that you are unsure if you'd be good at this because you make it look so easy but as effortless as you make it appear i want you to know that i see everything that you do you're raising our girls to be powerful confident unapologetically themselves

not because you've raised them to be but because they watch you live your life that way every single day there is only one other person in this world who understands the love i have for our children and sharing that with you will always be one of the greatest privileges of my life. To my partner, my teammate, and my soulmate, happy Mother's Day. Very good. Wow. Would be nice if you didn't lose your phone every five minutes. Or get parking fines like it's a hobby, but... We're not talking about your flaws.

We're not talking about your flaws. We're building them up. But make sure you do something nice for the mother of your children and your mum, of course, this coming weekend. it is one of the most important days in the calendar. Absolutely. To all the mums out there, happy Mother's Day. And I also just want to give a nod to my own mother as well,

who I don't give her enough credit for the amazing job that she has done. And even now, as she lives with me and keeps our household running, she works fucking tirelessly. And I do nothing but annoy her constantly. To my mum, I love you also. You are incredible. Thank you. Yes.

Same to my mum. She won't listen. but when I sent her this podcast first time we did it, she said, I listened to 15 minutes and I got the gist. So, happy Mother's Day, Mum. Love you. And we should get out of here. We should.

If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave us a review. But now, as you know, we're no longer asking for reviews. Although they have really dried up, I was like, fuck. Can you please follow us on Spotify and Apple Podcasts? So wherever you're listening to this podcast, make sure you follow because that's how you get it delivered directly in your inbox. It is a fuel that keeps us going and also follow us on social media, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook or you can send us an email at hello at 2dottingdads.com. Goodbye.

Bye. Two doting dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.