Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #225 Highchair Hassles & Horny Parents

Episode Date: May 12, 2026

This week there’s a LOT of pent-up frustration… and for once the kids aren’t entirely to blame. Ash is convinced Bluey is ruining his life, Matt’s at war with the latest pet Marlie’s brought home and a faulty door lock has officially cock-blocked Matt and Laura. The boys bond over the one baby product they’re sick of seeing dumped on the side of the road. Plus more things we were ridiculously confident about before becoming parents… back when we still had free time, energy and sex lives. Consider yourself a smart shopper? Take the ALDI IQ Test today at www.IQ.ALDI.com.au and find out if you’re a true grocery genius... or not. ALDI. Good different. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Action. What's the deal? Do you know what popped up the other day, actually, that made me laugh very much, is Jimmy Fallon doing Jerry Seinfeld next to Jerry Seinfeld? And they're both like, what's the deal? Was he offended? No, though, we did it together. It was great.

Because, like, if I was going to impersonate you, I don't know if that would be. And vice versa. Go. Oh, I'm so handsome. Look at me. Let me just wipe up these tears with my money. Oh. Back to two-doting dads.

I am Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast. Sorry? I had a fucking stroke just then. This is a podcast. I got a message on my phone, my watch. Banking Apple.

I actually, can I? I don't finish this intro, then I'm going to say something. Oh, fuck. This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And if you come for advice, it won't happen.

And I thought to myself, I went to bed last night. And I was thinking, do you know what? I'm going to wake up. I'm going to be mean to Ash. Yes. And the moment I show any weakness to you, don't, you come for me. One thing that you should not do is talk about or show weakness around me

because I will find it, I'll exploit it. Because you like being spat on. I do. The only little boy. Yeah. Only by this particular evil. My wife only. Interesting.

Go on. Maybe Ellie, but we'll find out soon. Housekeeping. Can I just really quickly? What? You know we did those. beautiful messages for our wives. Yeah.

And I looked at your link of the footage that you uploaded of April. Some beautiful shots said, but if you saw them, April with the kids on holidays, and then there was one video, and she's just flexing. I knew you'd buy it. I was like, I throw that out there because Matt will be like, oh, hello, you've saved it, haven't you? No, I would never. Show me your phone right now.

It's an automatic save. I just saw I throw that in there because I do mention that she's the strongest. So I thought maybe Nessel put that in and be like, yeah, that works. She looks good. Very good. You're a lucky guy. Thank you. Also, April.

Well done. Yeah, she works hard. It works very hard. Jim, like, what, six days a week? That's great. Good on her. Housekeeping, Ash, we will let people know. Maybe they come for the Wednesday episode and they haven't seen.

There's a very special surprise sitting. in the inbox of two doting dads. It doesn't normally sit there on a Monday, but it is there right now. If they subscribe, they would get it automatically. Yeah. If you're listening and not subscribing,

look in the mirror. Take a good, hard look at yourself. Yeah. Reflect. Yeah. Be better. Yeah. But we are doing Monday episodes

now every single week, so it's going to toggle. Toggle. Toggle. Fuck, yeah. Like that. Rotate? Also works.

Thank you. Shift. You can shift. It shifts between a guest episode and then the housekeeping episode. Who thought housekeeping would be such a dominant feature? It was an accident too. We used to set it one day and someone was like, give it to me, give me more of it. I think Vic tried to take it out.

She did. Initially, when we said it's housekeeping, she's been very quiet. I know. She was like, I don't think this name works. I'm distracted and I'm distracted. You've got a stain on your jumper. Oh, fuck. Fuck!

Honestly, the mouth was moving, but I'm like, what's this thing saying? I had a bit. I didn't have that when I first came in, did I, Vic? I don't think so. It looks fresh. I had a bacon egg wrap and it was just, the bacon was all compacted to the bottom of the wrap. And it's oil. So I was getting all that egg and I was like, where's the fucking bacon?

Looking for it. Like, I'm so good. Found the bacon and then bit into the bacon and it was just too much moist. Or too much more? No such thing. Well, look at me now. I couldn't handle it. Worth it.

If that's an oil stain, you might as well cover the whole fucking thing in oil. Are you wrapping us up? Move on to the next thing. No! That's it. We're going to sit here for ages now. What should do? How would you get that out?

The thing about the jumper, I bought it about two years ago, and it's a white jumper, which has lasted a very long time. Off white, would someone take. It's an off white. And I bought the off white thinking it would hide an oil stain, but... Wrong. I'm now, I found out that's not the case. Someone would say that's vanilla.

that jumper, that ice cream. I did, I bought it and I said, is this vanilla? I said it's off wide and I said, both work. And it's got great, the texture. So the oil is going to be in the texture now. I suggest a bit of nappy sand. Give it a little scrape. I prefer, I know. You've made your point. Okay. I saw you on a bus shelter yesterday. Go on. Someone defaced you. So I'm going to go past again today and see if, what? If I can stop and get a photo. Okay. It was me. You had a Hitler moustache. Wow.

Okay. That's a classic. Classic. It can't be upset by that. Yeah, wait for a penis to be drawn up. It's a right of passage. If you're on a billboard and you haven't been defaced with a hit the moustache, either that or you've got your teeth out and you've got missing teeth.

That's another classic. Also the monobrow. Monobrows good too. The monowbrow and hill mustache. Give me ideas. I'm just going to long people on a road and just give you different facial expressions. He's waiting for Vic to wrap this up. It's just like, can you guys, I can wrap this up?

No more billboard chat. I'm sorry that I'm the only one here on a billboard. All right? Oh, subtle flex. It's not a billboard. It's a bus shelter, and usually they stink of piss. So I wouldn't be walking around here going. It's the same family.

So you went from the moving bus because you were on a bus? When was that? The last campaign. Yep. To now stationary piss-filled bus shelter. Yeah, what's next? You really got moved to. Yeah.

You really moved to one of those posters around a light pole was the next step. I was going to say, like, you know, the taxi, the boot? They had the little, like, the little lip. Yeah, yeah. The spoiler. The spoiler. It's for, you know, it's for. performance, okay?

All right, housekeeping. Sorry, Vic. How dare you try and wrap us up? We could just go on for hours, but we'll find some structure here. I really want to talk about the jumper again. There's something here that says Zara Larson and my ears perked right up. Have you heard of Zara Larson? Have I heard?

No. No, okay. Let me just... Yes, I have. Really? Yeah, I follow Zara. You do? Yeah, I don't know why.

I just do. I didn't know. And Marley was like, but I had some Zara Larson. And I was like, what the fuck is that? Because we're always in whenever we're always in... Whenever we're on the bike of the car, she's like, play some beats. That's how she talks. Is she?

Okay. This is her favorite song right now. Yeah, I think this is why I follow her exactly song. Sort of came out of nowhere, Zara Larson. Yeah, see, I'd you like this song. What a banger. That is, that's what, yep. What a banger.

She's actually coming out here, guys. And I don't know if there's many Zara Larson fans who are Dota's speaking to one right now. She's coming out here. I think it's September. We have taken Marlars. to a live show before. And it was nice. But Marley's really,

like she's really just jumped. She's gone straight from the Wiggles and then just gone like right into pop culture, Zara Larson, Jewelieper, Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is like a nice, she's pretty sweet and innocent. You listen to some of her older stuff. And she's like,

it's nice country ballads. I like that. Yeah, mixed in with like just heartbreak. Maybe a heartbreak. A bit of heartbreak. And like, it fuses people together, heartbreak. But Zahar

Well said Thank you Write that down Put on a shirt Zara's a bit sensual What do you mean by that Just her dancing can be She's a very good dancer

A great dancer What do you remember that Well she's got great moves She's very She's a great mover And shaker But sometimes I think to myself

Is this appropriate For a six year old Like they're very Because they're very Adult And they're very Bump and grind Yeah I think

The music itself without the visuals is definitely more appropriate because it's sort of like, you get caught up in the beat a bit. Spotify, they've all got, you can watch the film clips now. It's like, do you remember when you're a kid and you'd watch Rage and you'd love to see the film clips? It's like, kids still have an appetite for the film clip. And the ones that was slightly inappropriate was like,

there was no film clip. And it was like, oh, what? I just waited all that time for Bon Funk MCs. And all of a sudden, I'm just getting, you know, freestyler. I missed it because there was maybe something in the film clip that was inappropriate for the OBC. So Marley loves, she loves the way she dances.

Marley's also a great dancer. It does dance at the moment. And she's gone from like, hot potato, hot potato to just. Hair flicks. Hair flicks. Yeah, she loves it. And I'm like, oh, what's the middle ground here? But Marley's none the wiser.

She's just like, I love to dance. If she's none the wiser and loves to dance and it's the beat and she's making up her own dances to that sort of stuff, I would embrace that because she could turn out to be, I want to be a dancer. I want to go and do contemporary dance or something. I wouldn't, you can't shit on it just because Zara maybe sometimes shakes her ass. I'm not shitting on it.

No, no, no, no, but I mean others. How dare you put words in my mouth? How dare you? No, I meant others. I love her, Ash. I love Zara Larson. Zara Larson, if you're listening. We love you, come on show.

We don't know a parent, but. No, but sometimes you think, is this content for adults, also suitable for a six-year-old, who is very naive to the words that they are singing and the moves they are performing? Yeah, that's why I'm like, the song itself, don't have a problem with that. The problem I might have is some of the

more seductive dance moves that just come with that sort of music sometimes. But you can't shielder forever and as long as it's not like, I don't know, honestly, whatever I say, I'm going to put my foot in it because it's kind of like, I'm doing it, not me. You're making very valid points. You know what I mean? Yeah, I would love Marley to become the next Taylor Swift and earn a lot of money if I'm being completely honest. And if I can push in that direction and then great. Yeah. Would you want that?

Look, if she's obviously talented, like, why wouldn't you want to, why wouldn't you want to, you know, let the flower blossom and bloom? What I'm about is not about making money. I want her to find success. It very much sounded like you're, I want a, no, just the money, thanks.

I want a helicopter. I kind of floored by myself. I need my kids to help earn the money. And I want to use jet ski. Right? So my kids, I reckon that's... I want them to find their passion and be successful,

not in terms of monetary value, in terms of doing something that they love. And if that means making billions of dollars, selling out stadiums across the world, I guess we'll just have to let it happen. Yeah. Yeah. Look, you're doing one better than me.

Do you want to know what my kids are into? What's that? So we have a friend Veach, who's got a punk band. So my kids absolutely love his band, which is a little bit screamer. I'll pay you a little bit. I wasn't planning on it. So this is not, I'm not pitching them to anyone,

but here we are. Here we are. This is my kid's favorite song. And this is not a lie. They love this shit. All right? That's very blink 1-82. Yeah, hang on.

Oscar, Frost. There is a lot of teenage angst in those lyrics. I know. It sounds like something from a movie. Yeah, it sounds like in between us or something. Scuddy doesn't know. Like that sort of thing. I remember when out to Supercar's with Veach,

who is the guitarist of that band, and I was with Oscar, and I put it on the way out there. and I said, you know Vitch, who he knows Veech? I was like, do you know that he's a really good guitarist and he's part of a band? And he was like, no? And he's lit up.

And he goes, play something in the song. So I put that one on because that's one of my favorites as well. It's an older one. And he was immediately, when he saw Matt, he was in awe. He was like, wow. That's him because he's on the artwork too. Oh, the street credit, if you can play guitar. But I think her concerts in September, they're sold out.

They're in the small venues. Already. Yeah. So if anyone has any contacts, on how to get tickets to... They'll add shows. Everyone that comes here, because they don't know

what the appetite is like down here because they don't give a fuck about us most of time. Yeah. So when they put a tour at, you'll notice, if you go back every international artist, there's like three, there might be a kudos show, for example, or whatever. And then all of a sudden,

three months before they're actually here or a month, they're like, another show added. Love that. I think we're a shoe in for tickets. Okay, all right. Promise me? I promise. Also, Jack Johnson's coming to the country.

What? Wow! This is a podcast all about live acts. That we are going to. Keeping, this is the last one mentioned about music. I have something for you. For me? Well, it's for me, but you can be the enabler of this message for me.

Do you remember a couple years ago, I performed a song. This is very music-centric this episode so far. People are like, is this the right, like, we'll skewer. We'll skewer out of a sake. Do you remember I performed a song called Happy Dog on Play School? Oh, yes, yes. We're Buster. Yes.

And if you don't remember, this is what it sounds like. I'm a happy dog. I'm a happy, happy dog. I'm a happy dog. Happy dog. How many times have you done Play School? Twice. Must be nice.

Twice. I don't have the image for Play School, which. Too many tats. I don't like tats on Play School. Shrewds. So I didn't realize this, but when you perform a song on Play School, you are entitled to royalties. No.

Yeah. Are we rich? Yeah, well. Okay, I did we? We are about to find out. And I wish that I'd negotiated a better deal. Like, you know. Don't say that.

Come on. What do you got for me? I got this letter and it was like, these are your royalties for Happy Dog. And I was like, I didn't even know I was entitled to that. But give me, give me, give me, give me, give me, give me, give me. You want to do the honors? I do.

I want to, I want to see it. You got a letter opener at home? What's the deal with that? That's Ellie. That's me. That, oh, is it? Yeah, that's a knife. Signature at the bottom, love the ABC,

Play School. Play School Showtime, season four, for anyone listening at home, go back to season four, you'll be able to see Maddie J and all those. Glory, you owe them money. What do you mean? This is what I'm saying.

It's in red and it says minus $77. What? You owe them money. Quick, throw it out. Seriously? How is that possible? How am I losing my money? money on this job. I'll break it down here. You've got digital sales, happy dog, pro rata.

What's the one of 15 tracks? So it must be on an album that you can download Spotify. We should really boost this song up, Matt. Okay. So what? So the total amount owed is total cumulative. 6155, right. Total royalty. That's because you got an advance. For how much? You got an advance for $83 and $9. Zand. And then. It sold less. So it says you owed negative $77.73 cents. Oh no, that's the

difference. So they owe you $5.36. Okay. Season four, we found it. Have they masked? Have they edited it? Here we go. Why don't we pretend to be dogs together? Do you want to play that to Oscar? Next time we're about to see each other. In the car, be like, hey, you know Manny J? Well.

No, why don't I play it and be like, do you recognize this voice to my kids? And they'll be like, turn it off. They'll be like, oh my God, how much auto tune did they use? They need more. Anyway, congratulations. That was one take. That was one take. Honestly, we could buy 10% of a packet of cigarettes.

I've just noticed it's at the very end of the album. Bastards. No, you're the, you're closing out the set. Is that good? That's like headlining. Is that good placement? No. All the bangers are usually like three, four, six.

and then there's like the secret one down like maybe nine or ten where it's like oh how did I nearly miss this? Just lie to me. We've got to put it in there because it's there we need to make up the numbers. No, I think it's pretty good. Is that good?

Please love me. Speaking of kids entertainment, I mentioned on our first ever housekeeping app that I've got a bit of a gripe. Yeah. With Bluey. Who the hell doesn't like Bluey? Let me just clear this right up.

Please. Bluey. People have messaged me being like, I used to think Ash was a very reasonable young man. However, off the back of that episode, what? People also comment on some of my videos and they're like, you just sound exactly like like bandit. And it's like, it's usually Americans. No, I get that. Yeah, it's Americans. And they just

sit seeing every Australian, it sounds like bandit. Oh, really? Yeah, bastards. We can't both be bandit. It's not a competition. Okay, I'll be, what's her name again? Chili. I'll be chilly. Yeah. Good girl dog. She is very attractive. Bring that red lipstick over here. Ew. What's your gripe? Okay, my gripe is this.

Thank you, Vic. My kids are currently in their blue era again. It comes back around. It's cyclical. We're also in the blue era. Yeah, it's like at the moment they're really into it. But the problem I have with it is everything's a fucking game, right? So everything is a fucking game on that show, which there's a lot of teaching moments.

I'm all about, let me finish. Let me finish. But I'm trying to leave the house and go to the car. And the kids are like, look, look, shadow. You can only step in the shadows. There's no fucking shadows. They're slowing me down everywhere I go, all right? Then they're trying to ride me like a,

fucking horse. Yes. They love. My kids are upset. My knees can't handle it anymore. I know. On my floorboards. Anything takes forever because it's like, oh, we're just going to turn it into a game

like on Bluey. I'm like, okay. Borderline being like, Bluey's banned so we can get to school on time because I'm like, get to the car and they're like, we can only step in the shadow. The floor is lava. That's a classic, but they use it on there as well. What's the balloon one? Keepy upy.

Everything is keepy upy. That game is great. Yeah, it's great. But I'm talking about when you're trying to get the parenting things done that you need to get done because people got to get to school. We've got to get here. We've got to get to work. And the kids are slow to me down because everything's a gang because they saw it on

Bly. That's my gripe. I think it's fair. Very fair. I agree with you. That's my only got. Other than that, love it. Okay.

I do have a gripe with Bluy. Episodes need to be longer. Well, they're six minutes? Too quick. Do you think if they were longer, it wouldn't have the same charm? Because I feel like you got to remember kids attention. And if you want to try and get a kid, because there's a lot of learning in it, right? Especially for parents as well,

where it's like, there's different life lessons along the way, which I think is really great. That's what they've hit the nail on the head. But if you've got a life lesson in an episode, and it's 20 minutes long, my fucking kid's forgotten the start of that episode before the end. Yes. And when I say my kid, I mean me.

So seven minutes is kind of, they've got less, they've got, you know they've got minier ones too. You know that. Less than seven? Yeah, they do short ones. And they're like, what are they, like three minutes? Yeah. They're even shorter.

So they've gone the opposite way. They're like, we need to teach them quicker. What's next? It's like, here's blue. Yeah, it's just like, did it, little it. The whole season, 30 seconds. My! Next.

Next episode. Da! That's how short our attention spans. Literally. Literally. Anyway, that's my gripe with Bluey. My gripe that I have is with snails. I did see something on your story about a snail.

Yeah, we were at the park the day and there was a little community garden, not the same one that Marley. Snail? She's got a tape measure right now. Looks like a snail. That's a snail. That's, it's, there it is. If Miley was here, she'd. She'd grab that.

That's Keith, the snail. And take it home. That's very bluey of you. That's very bandied of you. I take it back. So at the park, community garden, not the one that Marley got chilling in her eye, but a different one. And there was some kale. And then on the kale, there's a little snail.

So Marley has gotten a snail. A kale snail. And Marley was like, can I bring it home? And I was like, yeah, I guess. The snail or the kale? Well, she ate some kale. Then she got the snail. And she became very frail.

Ah, okay. And she left a little trail. That's a song. What have we said? Yep. Let's back to the music. One, two, three, four. And she's on the scooter and I thought, there's no way she's going to be able to like scooter.

She's a bit tricky on a scooter. Bless her. But she, like, managed to have it on her finger, dropped it a few times, brought it home, mixed response from people online on social media. Some people, a few people were like, how dare you take a wild animal into captivity? We need, check, fucking check yourselves, guys. It's a fucking snail. It's not a dolphin. Yeah, I would take a dolphin home.

Give it a good home. Here, Dolphy. Imagine if Oscar was like dragging up the beach, like, Dad, can we take it home? And people are getting upset about a snail. There's no, like, snails aren't close to being endangered, I hope. Snails are just slugs. They're just slugs.

Yeah, remember that kid who ate a sluggy died? Right, but then. So that is, people are like, you get me ninja cockle or some kind of illness. I'm not sure. So they're like, don't touch it because they're very poisonous. And I look over and Marley's there like, fucking giving it a snail hug and I'm like, it's shitting everywhere at the moment.

But then she was like, can we go get it at home? So I've gone to the pet shop, bought a bloody container. Apparently like cucumbers, so there's a cucumber in there. And it did escape one time. They let the lid off. And in a space of 30 seconds, we're like, the snail's gone. The world's fastest snail. It was like, I'm out of here.

We couldn't find it. Just follow the trail, Matt. It was on a banana. trail. Yeah. It was stealthy. It was on a banana. It was like,

you gave me the wrong thing. Same shape. But now I'm like, I kind of want to get rid of the snail. You still got it? How long do the snails live for? Up to where, first of all,

have a guess. It's got to be days. 15 years. Get fucked. I will not. And what's that in snail years? They must be ancient. Yeah.

What is it in snail years? They're like dinosaurs. Or is that 15 snail years and it's like three days. You don't know, do you? No, it's 15 years. 15 years. Don't quote, I'm not some animal expert right now.

The vet's going. Clearly not, because you took it home and you weren't meant to. Oh, God. I will, just for the people wondering, I will return the snail back into the wild. Once the kids are over it. Yeah, which has got to be soon. Well, it's got 15 years, so there's plenty of time.

Do you know what it's called? Slimy Rock Johnson. That is very good. If you've got any other snail names, I want to hear him. So please send them in. Slimy Rock Johnson. That is good. And Marley's like, don't know if it's going to have babies.

Should we get them apart now? With itself? Yeah. I just want to confirm. front you about something that's come across my desk, Matthew. And I feel like it was a test of loyalty from you, where I've received a message from one Ellie Johnson, which happens to be your mother, Hillary, if you will. Vic, have you seen this? No. How would I have seen it? I've seen it to something. I sent it down to the world. Where is it? Vic is all seeing, all knowing.

From Ellie Johnson. She's feeding the kids last night. She's like, oh my God, Ash has got a message from Matt's mum. Yeah. Do you not feel it? it like I did. I felt it. Trust me. I feel like very left out though. Yeah, well I'm going to feel you were right in right now. Ellie has Instagram which she needs to be checked. She loves it. I went into her explore page all AI videos. Like just that's the dream. Everything was AI. Can you believe this? No, no Ellie, I can't. Can the algorithm? I know, do you know I know this is you? Because and I, my response. Look at that smile. I know my response to you last night was perfectly crafted as well.

I thought. What was it saying? It says from Ellie Johnson, this might sound crazy, but I'm so horny. He, he, he, don't tell Matt. And I resent you that straight away. So that was at 6.57 and at 658, I sent you. I know this is not Ellie. She doesn't laugh like that.

I was going to ask for a dick pick. She would love that. Oh, she would. It's been a while. And I was like, trying to work it out. I was like, was that you testing my loyalty? and you said, Daddy, that actually feels so normal? I was like, what the fuck is going on here?

Like, not that I would ever want anything bad to happen between you and April because you are such a beautiful couple. But I'm just saying, Nana is single. She's just my type too in a 70s. Should we find Nana a date? We tried that. We tried. I tried to put on the...

She found a really lovely man in France, remember? Remember when she went to Paris and she, on that, the language tour that she took? and she met that guy at... You know my mom better than I was. Yeah, it was a restaurant that he owned the restaurant and they would go and eat there. Ask her about it. Don't you know anything about your mom?

Well, I do. She's horny, apparently. Matt, speaking of DMs, I am an idiot. I work predominantly. You? An idiot? I don't, no, I'll never believe it.

Working on social media as a career, I didn't realize that the hidden messages you can still see them by holding down the hidden message. Why are they hidden? Because it might have a word in there that just picks up that it's not appropriate. Like shit is one. I always thought that was hidden when they don't follow you.

No, because there's two, there's request, which they don't follow you. But if they put a word in there that might be like, oh, I fucking did this, they could pick up and go, yeah, hide that. But I didn't know until yesterday that you could hold it down. And accidentally, because that message came from Ellie as hidden because I had the word horny in it. Oh, what a shame. But I was like, oh, what's this?

Ellie. And I thought it was a bot at first. And then I realized that you followed her and I was like, oh, fuck, so I accepted it. But if you hold it down, you can see what they said. And we did that episode, my sobriety episode, a little while back. And I got a bunch of messages from that that I missed because it was very overwhelming that whole thing. And so I'm going to go through them.

And next week, I'm going to just tip my hat to a few of them and actually respond here because there was so many and I can't get to everyone. and I was overwhelmed. So I just want to let you know that I was an idiot. And now that I've seen that, I want to go through and just thank everyone for those messages. Because some of them are like, they've poured their heart out and I feel bad. So if you're listening right now... And people are going, why the fuck did he never write back back?

What an asshole! Yeah, what a dick! I'm not. I was overwhelmed. I was frazzled. And I'll go through and I'll properly thank everyone. Love it. Next year.

Next week. Yeah. Great. Today is 149. Thank you. That is incredible. Incredible. And what are you going to do for, like, do you celebrate the 150 milestone for being sober? I think I'll celebrate, I'll celebrate six months when it comes, which is like 186 and a half days.

What do you think you'll do? Probably get drunk. Probably just mainly heroin. That was a joke from that. Look, I haven't really thought, I'm not going to make a big hoo-haar about it. I'll just acknowledge it, I guess. Pretty humble like that. I'm a fucking party. I'm so humble.

We go to the zoo or something. No, my legs will just hurt. Got football? No, I just want to drink beer. We'll send each other memes. We should race a race car really fast. There we go. That's what we should do.

There we go. That's how we celebrate. Like, dangerously fast. Like, could die fast. Don't stress Vic out like that. April's like, Go, off you go. He's like, no!

What was the challenge you sent through? And you sent it in the group and I was like, I'll do it. It was like two people like climbing off a building. And Vic's like, ah. Oh, yeah, it was like, trying to flip off each other's back. And I was like, we should do this. Like, we're like, we're from Cirque, Solet or whatever. And Big's like, I'm just going to pull the pin on this one.

Yeah, guys, don't do it. Don't hurt yourself. More danger. You're almost 40. Not me. You are. You are not far behind me, bro. I've got a few years.

Exactly. Can I just say on that, though? Louis saw a photo of you two on my computer last night while I was doing some work. And he pointed to you and said, that's the younger one. How old's a photo? Was it just like recently? Because if it was like six months ago, Look how old this man.

He's like, Give us a beer, what you'll? I thought that was funny. Yeah. Oh, that's real funny, isn't it? That's hilarious. All right. Look, the old decrepit one of the corner.

Moving on, old man, let's go. You're not old. You're only as young. Oh, wait, Laura's older than you, right? Correct. She looks great. Okay, Vic. Breaking news.

We're going to cross live now to Victoria, Vicky, aka Vic or V, every nickname she hates, for a breaking news story, which I don't know what it's about, because again, I didn't read the brief properly. Go! What about that for an intro? Very good.

Right before I'm supposed to read the need. Sorry, sorry, sorry, though. It's so mean. What's that? I thought was a great intro. Very good. It was a good, but a round of applause. And now I've got no breath.

I need to have breath. Diaphram. Exactly. You listened. Well, this is actually a story that's been around for a little while, so I wasn't sure if it's too old by now, but I feel like it's one that's still...

It is called breaking news. As long as it's within five years, I'm fine. That's breaking. Not to get hung up on the title, but... Well, it's one that keeps coming back into my mind, and I'm like, oh, I really want to know more about this, but I really want to get your take on it because it feels very unrealistic. Okay.

So a billionaire businesswoman has sparked a parenting debate after suggesting moms should only spend three hours with their kids on weekends. Skim's co-founder Emma Greed has revealed she's a three-hour mom, spending no more than three hours with her kids every weekend. She argues parents should focus on big core memories instead of daily parenting tasks like reading, school emails or cutting sandwiches into star shapes. Critics say the advice may work better for billionaires than busy families, while parents everywhere are wondering who's covering the other 21 hours in the day. Yeah, what's happening with those kids? Is she just locking them in the room and being like,

it's so easy to just throw that out there when you're a billionaire? Totally. I feel like, imagine if April turned around to me or Laura and said, hey, on weekends now, I'm only going to spend three hours with the kids. I'd be like, the fuck you are. Like, who the fuck do you think you are? Like, okay, me too, I guess. Like, what the fuck? Kids are like, um, hello?

Shut up. Shut up. You're three hours is over. Like what, like I said, first, there's a couple of things I hate about this. I love how they mentioned doing it twice because it's so easy to throw that out there when it's like, oh, one of the nannies will take care of them. for the next four, two hours over the weekend. And we're talking three hours over the, so it's an hour and a half a day.

Per day. So what do you, what, and also she said big memories. What do you mean by a fucking big memory? I tell you right now, as a older child who's grown out of childhood into an adult, the big memories are the time spent with your family.

Yeah. Not the, hey, here's a fucking private jet. That would be pretty nice. But hey, here's a used jet ski, Ash. And it's like, that's a big memory. Remember it. Because your time's up. Your time's up now.

I reckon it sounds pretty good. If I'm being completely honest. It does sound pretty good, but it's easy to say that. Like, who's going to look after the kid for the other 21 hours a day? Yeah, but if I was a billionaire, just like, you know. I wouldn't say that sort of stuff. Why not? Because you'd have this guy.

Yeah, but she doesn't care. The founder of Skims doesn't care about two men talking about. And then she's like, have two dotting dads said anything about my parenting plans? You don't know that. You're just assuming. But also, imagine if a billionaire man came out and said that. Billionaire man. Imagine if any man said, I'm a three-hour dad.

I reckon he'd get applauded. Most of them are three-hour dad. No! Yeah, but... Yes, Vic. Yeah. That's not the point. Imagine saying it publicly and being like, oh, yeah.

You know what? I only look after my kids three hours on the weekend. I would turn around and go, you're an absent father, you piece of shit. Just being honest. Yeah. Like, from everything that we've learnt from Jen, I feel like the biggest lesson you can give your kids is modelling. Like, modelling behaviour. And that doesn't come in three-hour dopamine hits because they've gone to Disneyland.

Yeah, you're setting them up for such a small attention span. Yeah. Because, okay, say your weekend, it looks like this, right? You wake up, no one has to work. It's kind of like, that's where your memory's made, right? Your kids get up. They're like, what are you doing today? You don't have to go to work.

What are we doing today? I kind of like it. We're here for a good time, not a long time. Get the time around and be like, all right, Billy, 45 minutes. 45 minutes in the morning and maybe 15 minutes in the middle of the day and then half an hour after bed, after they're all washed. I think, I can I just say, I am, I am, I am, I am joking. I know, I am joking. He's a horrible man.

I mean, we all do it sometimes. Like we have a night off or, what? Your mom, you're not allowed to have any time off. I know, I never feel like that. I think, and I agree, I think there is time on the weekend for each parent or parents together to have time to escape from the kids and the chaos of all of that. but at the same time you know like three hours

to spend with two kids who don't know any concept of time who just think oh okay I've only got you know like imagine getting to like halfway through painting or drawing or doing an activity with your kid going well that's time time's up and he goes like what and you're like yeah I don't want to actually see you for the next 42 hours

you don't understand but I understand and I'm going to go out there as a billionaire and then tell everyone that that's what I do like you're a fucking idiot mate that's how I'm going to The people those kids will grow into is the, like, their nanny. Yeah. The people who are spending the most amount of time with them are not the mom and dad. It's going to be the external help.

And they wonder why, like, when they do get to adulthood, that their kids will resent them for not giving them the love that they needed. But it's like, oh, you can't just buy love. Like, fucking hell. But I don't think. Spend four hours. How about that? Call me wrong.

Call me wrong. Call me, Matt. Call me wrong. From now on or just now? Okay. Tell me if I'm wrong. That's the phrase I need it I don't think anyone

has gotten any parenting advice for a billionaire and gone oh that's a really good point I'm going to implement that it's a lot billionaire Unless you're also a billionaire You're just like Oh this that actually sounds good Look if we had billions of dollars each

We'd be like that actually sounds pretty good I only spend two hours with mine Like I get what you mean Like no one's taking that advice seriously And if you are God help you Oh God help your kids They'll just be like

Dad who's that Yeah, like I think the reason why it kept popping back into my head was because Matt's wrapping me up. How does it feel? You don't even have a stain on your clothes. Actually, yours is dried up nicely. See, no, I can't cut that out. Maybe it was water. Maybe it was water.

Was it drill? Maybe it wasn't the bacon. You were dribbling. It was really good. Sorry, Vic, I cut you off. No, that's okay. I was more just thinking the reason I, kept stuff right.

You guys asked me to do that. Okay, sorry, sorry, no, no. We asked you to do that to bait you. It made me a feel a bit sad. Because, like, the whole reason we have kids is to spend time with them. Yeah, why did you have them? Yeah. Yeah, it is sad for the kids.

I put myself in my, in the kid's shoes. Smaller shoes than mine, just. And they were like... Very uncomfortable. They might not know the difference, but at the same time, they're going to grow up and be like, why is fucking Timmy getting to hang out with with his cool dad, like, all the time? and cool mom all the time, and I get limited time.

And then what happens to me, I've got to go spend time with Warnita, the nanny. And it's like, shout out to Wanita. Yeah, doing a great job being a parent. Yeah. But I mean, she's trying to sell a book, so I think that's probably why this has come out as well. Okay. She is a businesswoman for a reason. Speaking of books, I'm going to be selling your books.

So maybe I should come up with something that's controversial like, I don't only feed my kid's dog poop. And people who are like, wow, it's like, it's nutritious. By the book. By the book. That's a little cheaser. You know how you're very good. fixing things.

They call me to fix her around here. Yep. I may require your assistance at my house. I've never been happier. There's a little bit of maintenance work, which I'm unable to complete myself. I bet there is. I know it. It's a lock on a door.

To the dungeon. Nana's gotten out. Not again. Everyone's like, you're so mean to Nana. She needs to be locked up for her own safety, okay? She's sending me DMs like that. She needs more than just to be locked up. I know.

She just had a phone. privileges taken away. She's grooming me. I'm essentially underage in her books. I know. Or ex-teacher? Ex-teacher goes rogue. Yeah. Could you imagine the headlines? Good for the podcast. So, on the weekend, never happens. Never happens. We are a nighttime sex couple. Nice. Right? But every now and then, I get surprised. And on Sunday morning, Poppy goes back down for a nap at about 9 o'clock. On the reformer. On the reformer.

There is a reformer in her room. She sleeps in the cot. Thank you very much. So we put her down. She wakes up at 6-10. Might have a sex swing in there. I wish. So she goes down for a nap at 9 o'clock.

The kids were playing beautifully, doing their coloring in. They just love it. They lock in. And I hop back into bed and Laura and I had like a really quick cuddle. And then we're both like, oh. That's fuck. Oh. Hang on.

Hang on. And we're both like, we're both like, Like, could we, should we? We were both still in our pajamas. Like, neither one of us had brushed our teeth. Nice. And, you know, it's a bit like, oh. Yeah, both pretty sticking.

If someone walked in, you know how when you're walking in a room and someone's farted in? You're like, someone's farted in here. You walk in a room and people haven't brushed their teeth in this room. It's musky. Me and Laura both like, oh. Hi, babe. Have you? She was like, just don't kiss me.

Should we have sex? And then she's like, we couldn't. We'll have to make it very quick. And she's like, just lock the door. My specialty. Sorry. Sorry. So she's like, locked the door and I'm like, fuck.

Because she was like a while ago, the lock was, you couldn't, the latch wouldn't go in. And I was meant to fix it and I didn't. And she's like, did you fix a latch? And I'm like, the amount of innuendos in this chat is fucking, my brain is like, stop it, Matt. The latch wouldn't go in. I bet it wouldn't be. The latch wouldn't go in its hole. Yeah, it was too big.

Right? Yeah. And so she's like, can it lock? And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fine. I'm locked in. And so I couldn't quite see whether the bolt was too high or too low or it was slightly a jar so I'm now like shimmying the door and she's like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, give me a second.

And I'm like pushing the door up, like bending the hinges, like try. I'm like at some point trying to pull the lock across me like, like it's got to fucking go in sometime like any second now. And she's like, it won't lock, will it? And I go, no, it's not going to lock. Just put something heavy up against it. So then I was like facing the fact that maybe this delicious dessert that I was going to enjoy is being taken away from me.

Oh, dare you say delicious dessert in referring to morning. X with no teeth brushing. Oh! You could do it up against the door. That's like, no one's got that kind of stamina, strength in the legs. April can hold me out for that long. So then I'm like getting some stuff. We still have the bassinet in the room.

So I'm like, well, I can use that. I can barricade the door. We barricade. We barricade. Are you a barricade? We'll talk about it at the same way. We'll let you finish the door. So I'm like barricading the door.

As if we're being attacked, I'm there like, don't worry. No one we have. able to get in. There's like old clothes. There's like shoes that are wedged under me. Nana, I'm horny. Leave her out of this. Okay. Okay. All right. So I barricaded the door. Then Laura was like, I don't know how I feel about the barricade. I want the lock. I want the security of a lock. And I was like, the barricade's secure. The moment's definitely gone. No one's coming in here. And at this point, we're both kind of like, oh, like the baby monitor was there. And Poppy was kind of like not quite asleep. Someone brushed their teeth through a three way out.

Yeah, we're both like, I mean, like, the room stinks now because our fermented breaths and just, yeah, it was so close. So it just didn't happen. Didn't happen. That happens all the time, I guess. So I now need you to come over and, like, fix the door. I thought you said, I need you to come over and keep watch out. And fuck me.

Keep lookout. I'm just on the other side of the door. I'm like, the coast is clear. Get it, guys. Yeah, go, you guys do it. I'll keep lookout. Something will distract me immediately, and then the kids are coming. And they'll be like, ash!

You went to keep lookout. Sorry. But we barricade. You're barricaded? We're a barricaded. But we haven't been barricading because we, I used to have a desk near the bedroom door there. That's been moved now. So there's no door to barricade.

So there's a door stop. You've lost the chair. Oh, the door stop. The door stop. But just so happens that we had the sexologist episode come out yesterday and didn't actually get lucky after that. Woo-wee. But what happened is, and because now it's getting colder at night, the room's more closed up from the outside elements, like wind and coldness.

my wife hates coldness, right? As she, as, you know, most people do. But... Careful. I was nearly going to say, as women do. I thought that could be a bit sexist. But to be fair, you don't like the cold, do you? No one likes the cold.

See? From a woman, that one. Just to clear that up, that was from a woman. But we know April doesn't like the elements. She doesn't like wind, rain, any, pretty much anything. Any sort of weather she doesn't like. Anyway, so I've shut the door. I didn't put the door shut there because it was, long after the kids had fallen asleep and I thought we're sweet ears, but the door was shut.

Yes. But we were both naked. Okay? And I thought, better get some tissues in preparation. Oh, very considerate. Yeah, I thought so. So I've opened the bathroom door, the onsuit door, which is in turn, the air is suctioned, the other door open because it wasn't closed properly. And I hear this yelp, and that's April.

She's like, oh, my God! Thinking the kids come in. She's dying. Thankfully not, because she was bare-assed on the bed. Sorry, babe. But usually we're going to have to go back to the bed. She was bare on the bed. Happy big?

She was fully naked. She was sprawled out of the bed. Bear asses is too descriptive. I love it. Keep going. Sprawled out on the bed. So she was on the bed and I was obviously in the onsuit and I had the yell. Like she thought the kid had come in.

So we're going to have to go back to the doorstop or the barricade because it's just too. I would hate little. Poor little Macy's head popping around and seeing a naked mummy. She wouldn't know what to do. And a naked daddy. Oh, yeah. Hairy. No, I'm not even that hairy, if I'm honest.

But anyway, back to the point, barricading. It's good gear. She should do it. But you're so handy. Why don't you just make a lock on the door? We did have a lock on the door. And I changed all the door furniture. And for some reason, I didn't even put a lock on that one.

But we're going to have to go back to the shop. If anyone's going to have a lock on the door, it's you. What do you mean by that? Because you can do anything with your hands. Yeah, you know. She's a lucky lady. And it's time for a segment. Now, this segment's about what you thought you knew before having kids and then turned out to be absolutely bogus.

You thought you were smart. Okay, and it is thanks to Aldi. Good, different. What about our best friends? So we have the listeners riding and tell us what they thought they knew before they had kids. It's very funny because pre-kids, I think adults are delusional most of the time. Most of them. Let's start with Grace.

I had a girl first and remembered thinking, girls are the same as boys. Then I had a boy. And boy, I was wrong. He doesn't stop moving and climbing. Oh my God, I could not relate to this more. Oscar, all day, every day. Like, remember the old Energizer ads?

He's like a kelpie. You can't stop him. I know. I used to think I wanted a boy. Thank God. This was from Ella. I never thought I'd have to have the talk that we don't put toothpaste.

on our willie. Wow. And I hope it was a raspberry flavor and not the mint. Oh, yeah, it's like censorine. Oh, my God. Jeez. This is from Jay.

I thought that by having a second kid, they would just play with each other and give me a break. Alas, now I just have two kids instead of one constantly yelling, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad. Oh, man, Oscar this morning, April going to the bathroom

and all you could hear is Oscar going, Mom, Mom, Mom. Hey, Mom, Mom, Mom. I was like, bro, let her do a thing. Like, for God's sake. And this one is from Charlie, that we would still find time for each other. Yeah. Dot, dot, dot.

Yeah, right. Like I said, Matt, before kids, we weren't very smart. But if you consider yourself a smart shopper, you should take the Aldi IQ test today at IQ. At IQ.aldi.com.com. And find out if you're a true grocery genius or not. I love that. Aldi, good different.

All right, it's time for. Now you need us more than ever. Know that we still have each other. You can send us your doting dilemma. You can send us your doting dilemma. Ella, Ella, Ella. Yeah, it's a great song. Imagine the royalties on that if that was on Spotify.

Negative 88 dollars. I know. Okay, question. Just a real quick one out before we go. Have you ever gotten emotional about throwing out a baby item or product? Oh, definitely, yes. I mean, Oscar's got that Elmo that he's had since the dawn of time. Oh, that thing is hanging on by a thread.

No, I refilled it with pillow fluff. Did you? Because we could never get, we could, that's the thing, we can never get rid of that. Mr. Fixer over here. Thank you. Oh, wow. Your family is lucky. And then I worked out that the chemical in the superglue actually binds the outer fluff perfectly.

So it's flawless. Yeah, it didn't stitch or anything because actually what it does, it heats up because whatever material, probably something radioactive, Elmo is made out because it's from like the 50s this thing he looks like just a shadow of it Elmo should be but Oscar will go no like he would

I think as a family we would be in mourning if we lost Elmo for God take it doesn't leave the house anymore because of that fact he's too fragile he needs to be kept in a glass case or he needs to get those white gloves if everyone wants to touch him

yeah and there's a guy that does like portraits what he'll do is he'll like AI generate Elmo but not creepy like in a way that you can preserve it in picture form too I love that maybe this item could get preserved there's one particular baby product that if I see discarded

I get a little bit emotional It's one of those rubber nipples isn't it? I mean, moving on I'm here trying to get sentimental Sorry sorry yeah And you're just in the gutter What is it? Right now in Bondi

It is currently cancelled clean-up Do you have a suburb council clean up? You can't just request it? You can request it, but then I think once a year they then say to everyone. But it's always, it's like, you hear rumors of like, it's this weekend. What are they chucking out this week? There's a lot of people go scavenging. When I was like, young.

That's a good place to scavenge. Oh, yeah, you get like mattresses, coffee tables. Playing it down a little bit. Huh? Yeah, diamonds and gold and silver. It's helicopters and rolls. A lot of jet skis. Oh, just pick up a rolls from this person's rubbish.

So I was walking and I saw this item on its own as well, which I think made it more emotional. Is this your pile of, you're just, you're that guy taking pictures of piles of rubbish? I walk buster and as I walked my loop, I then saw this item. There's so many piles of rubbish and this is what I saw. Oh, yeah, that takes me back. For the listeners out there, it is a high chair and it's a very specific high chair that's pretty much sold everywhere, which is just white with the, with the growth. It's plastic. It's got like the, just the black buckle.

Very bare bones basic, but it got the job done. And it was handed down. So that means they're not having any more kids. That's what that means that throwing that out. And that is sad. That makes me a little sad that, like, so many memories. There comes a time where it's like, okay, well, Oscar had it. Then Macy had it, potentially.

Yeah, it's like when Mali said her first words. Oh, yeah. That does, yeah. So much time in the high chair with you and your baby. So many arguments. So much crying, yelling, please just eat your dinner. I know. And then that just, once you're finished with it, it just gets discarded.

It's like picked up by the garbage truck, crushed. The end of an era. End of an era. Where it's like, okay, that's it. I'm not going to have that small person in my house anymore because we've grown out. That does make me a little bit emotional. Fuck it. I'm getting it reversed.

I'm getting the vasectomy reverse. Right? No, absolutely not. I was there standing next to this, like, just very strange sight. Me looking at this lonesome high chair, being like, on the side of the road, and you're just like, No! The portrait!

Just fold it up and keep it. I've got 24 high chairs at home right now. Laura's like, for fuck sake, stop picking up these random high chairs. There's going to be a time that potentially you'll be a grandparent, and you'd be like, got this, and it'll be like, we've got one of the ones it hover. It's like, what the fuck is it? Nothing touches the ground?

Who? You've enjoyed this episode. Please subscribe and leave a review. I haven't had a review in a while. I'm not going to lie. And I'm thirsty for one. The begging has stoned. It's back.

It's back. Just here I am. Just one a week, guys. That's all it takes. Just create new accounts. It's all it takes. Otherwise, you can follow us on social, Instagram, TikTok. Facebook group is thriving.

YouTube. Where else? Anything else? We have a website. Join the conversation. Lots of parenting chat in there, I think. Behind the scenes. Yeah, a lot of BTS.

And whenever I put anything on there, someone's like, Ash, what are you doing here? I was like, oh, sometimes I check. It's like a family whose dad disappeared. And every now and then he comes in and be like, forgot my heart. I'm a three-hour parent. I'm a three-hour parent.

I'm a billionaire. I wish. Let's get out of here. She's wrapping us up again. Goodbye. Bye. Two doting dance podcast. acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.