Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #227 Petty Squabbles & Parenting Backflips

Episode Date: May 19, 2026

This week the boys are carrying on like feuding brothers who’ve just been told they need to share a bedroom. There’s tension over paint samples, furniture choices and the studio fit-out, forcing Vic to step-in and split them up. Meanwhile, Vic gives the guys a much-needed education on geriatric pregnancies and period cycles… because, unsurprisingly, they are deeply clueless. Ash is convinced he may be raising a child prodigy & there’s a song that could be giving Oscar an unfair competitive advantage. And Matt’s feeling slightly sheepish after caving on a parenting rule he swore he’d never break. It's another week of the good, the bad, the relatable and absolutely no advice. Consider yourself a smart shopper? Take the ALDI IQ Test today at www.IQ.ALDI.com.au and find out if you’re a true grocery genius... or not. ALDI. Good different. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I have a question. And this is not me thinking this. This has come from my mother. This is going to be bad. So just know that the arrogance here is not coming from within. You can say that 10 times. I'm not going to believe you. I've got my hair cut.

And my mum thinks that I look like someone. Oh, can we guess? Yeah, can we guess? Start the show and we'll guess. Welcome back to two-doting dads. I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about.

about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And we will never give advice. But are you, Maddie J? Let's find out. Jim Carrey. No. You give very Jim Carrey early days Jim Carrey vibe. Thank you. Because you're goofy. You're silly. You're a silly boy. I'm a big silly boy. Vic, what do you got?

I don't know why, but I'm getting, especially because it's from your mum, Patrick Swayze. Oh! Is that it? No, but I'll take that. That's good. He's loving me. I'm married Look, I've heard he has Heaps of STDs that guy Guilty!

You said arrogance So it's got to be someone that you think Tim Robards You hate that He's a fucking handsome man He's on that koala ad Who's? Yes, have you seen Tim?

I totally turned I mean I saw him on The Bachelor Okay Go on What else did you see him, Vick? Can I have one more go? One more go, he's from Brisbane Oh, he's a local

He's a local He's a local From Brisbane What do you got? Cricketer He's an actor Should I tell you? How did you get actor

From the word cricketer? She said, Is he a cricketer's like Yep He's an actor No, I was like correcting her Oh Okay

I was I was nudging her back on track Oh okay That was a polite tap on the shoulder Give it to us And then everyone get ready To cringe Okay Ready

I am the new Jacob Elorty I knew you were gonna say that. We've mentioned it on the show before. And Laura laughed in my mother's face and she was like, I see the resemblance. He's very handsome. Such a mom thing. She's like, you're the most handsome

boy in the world. It's like April with Oscar. It's just like I keep doing this little test which I'm going to film it because it's fucking funny is I'll just be like, hey babe can you come here to see if Oscar follows? Like shadow. Yeah, like a shadow. Like he loves his mummy so much. He's just like

shadowing her. So I was like, oh babe, come here. And she walks in And he's just like, what is it? I love how you're like cooking up experiments at home. Like day 54, Oscar has followed mummy into the bedroom. Yeah, and your mum's like, day one of referring to my son as Jacob a Lordy. Look, I'm honoured. I don't see the resemblance myself. You need to get an earring or two.

Oh, does he have earrings? Do you have, if you ever had years pissed? No, I wanted to. Fuck, I wanted to so bad. I had both mine done. Did you? Yeah, look. How old?

Thirty-four. Do you stud or ring? Like, loop. Stud, I had black spaces. Little black spaces. What's a... Oh, it's pretty sick. Oh, the spaces are like...

Oh, the emo. No, they're tiny, though. Oh, that's such an ick. And what did you do? Cry yourself to sleep every night in your bedroom? I still do. Thank you for asking. Well, this is awkward.

Yes. You just referred to yourself as Jacob Allaudy. I know. That's an egg. And also, yesterday, you referred to dinner as dindins. And you said, let's use that term more frequently. Yeah, it was sarcasm. Oh, I like dindins.

Thank you, Vic. Oh, mommy, can I have some ding-dins? Is that what you do? Jacob, Lord, he's hungry, Mommy. Shut up. I don't get your eyebrow pierced, your fucking loser. Wow! You are married to a jeweler, though, so you have, like, no end of, like, earring material.

If Marley is chomping for her ears to be pierced. That's a good question. Yeah, when are you going to do that? When's that going to happen? I just, honestly, does she want to? have a look at my, get an idea. Does Laura want to use me for her next earring campaign? Absolutely not.

Damn it! You have beautiful ears, but... Lobes. Not the right fit. And also, can I just say, thanks to everyone on my stories who agreed with my mummy about Jacob Alorty. And also, just a quick shout-out to my mummy, Ellie, Nana, who lives with us, has been working very hard lately.

Dindins. And just such a lovely presence when she starts dropping those comments in front of Laura on the couch at night time. If you think Dindins is an ick, please write in it. tell us. We'll just put this a bed. That's a... I can't say anything on this podcast anymore.

It's a democracy. Go. You said something. You raised a question. Did I? Ash. And just one sec. Oh, I wouldn't drink that if I was you.

Oh. Uh-oh. Got something here that I've just brought in. Oh, that looks delicious. That is a cup of milk. Yeah. I did put a little post up to see... Went nowhere because people are obviously like, this guy's an idiot.

Would you ask? I just ask if drinking a cup of milk is a fully grown man is an ick. Yeah, and what's your take on it? I had timetams at the time, but I didn't put them in the picture because I was just like, I wonder if... Do you want to? Not necessarily, no. Unless you got some timetams. Have a big sip of that milk.

No, I've got some Coke Zero over here. Big? No, thank you. I don't like milk plain. Is it full cream? You do love full cream. I absolutely love full cream. I don't think, I...

Oh. You're going to get a milk massage. Wow. Your bones are going to be nice and strong. That, Mommy, is just, it's delicious. Would you say it's mother's milk? I wish. I haven't had a full glass of full cream milk for a while, and I did with my timetams.

That's a good combo. Did you dip it? I did the Tim Tam slam where you do the, you bite the corn off. I could go another one of those, by the way. I forgot that you. were drinking it. I look back and he's all gone. Sorry. Whoa. That's good gear.

Laura hates it when I have a big glass of milk. Yeah, people really are against it. Really? Yeah. I hates it. She's just like, what are you doing? Because she can only drink soy. But that to me, like, that's a treat. I've just, that to me is just...

She can only drink soy. That's called jealousy, my friend. Ah. Yeah. Matt also likes Formula milk, remember. Oh, that's right. You want to them. I'm being judged right now. You're a walking ink.

Why get some milkies for dindins? Let me live! Do you know who would love you? Frank. And for those listening, Frank is my father-in-law who was a milk dealer, who still gives my seven-year-old a baby's bottle because he can, I guess. Do you know my granddad was actually a milkman? Yeah, didn't go to the war, didn't get drafted to go to war because he was such an important person of the community.

Is this where the saying comes from? It's like, you're the milkman's kit? Go on? Have you never heard that saying? Yeah. Yeah. Well, you just said my great-grandfather. I know, I just questioned you because, like, it's just fun to see you squirm.

A little update on the studio, Vic, I have to make you aware of the fact that Ash and I had our first fight over the studio on the weekend. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. It wasn't a fight. Do I need to break it up? No, it was more like Matt tried to dominate me and then I stood my ground, which I don't often do, but I was like...

Can I not have any input on the studio? I'll give it a rest. You've been designing, building, organizing the whole thing. I just had to... Well, someone's going to do something or nothing will get done. Oh, my God. I mean, Dan's doing most of it. Damn it!

And for those wondering, Dan is Vic's beautiful husband. Yeah, so this was the stash. Matt wanted to paint all the walls that green color. And I mean all of them. Vic, thoughts. I like the green. I like the... No, that's not the complaint.

That's not the complaint. What sounds like it is the complaint? No, no, no, no. You want to color all the walls green. my side of the story and then you have the floor to speak. So this is what I'm going to deal with. That green, love that green. Okay?

I like it and I said, yeah, it would be cool to do a wall in that green. Not all four walls. There's three. There are we one, two, three, four walls, Matthew. So what color were the other walls for? Well, I was like, my process was, let's get it white as a blank canvas and then we can add some color to it where we see fit. And I did, honestly, I would have some of that color in there because I really like that green.

That I'm not a huge fan of. That I'm more of a fan of. Ash was pointing to the purple behind him. I forget this is an audio media. The purple looks so nice behind you. You look great. You look great. Oh, shut up.

It's really good for your complexion. Okay. Matt said, we've got to swim with the tide, okay? We've swum with the tide for three years. Okay. And look where we are. Yeah, I know that. But at some point, we've got to spread our wings

and people need to follow our path. I'll put it to you, Vic. Regardless of the color, okay, but having all four walls, that one colour, which is not, it's meant to stand out that colour, right? Across all the four walls thoughts on that. I really like that colour. I think that's our uniform colour.

It's our brand. Totally agree. There's, I think what I've got in my head, there's a picture which we'll put up on our socialists of what the studio could look like that Matt sent with AI. And it's more like a peacock green, but it is all the walls, but it looks amazing. We'll put these all on socials. So the listeners, the doters can have their input. Because ultimately, because the second green colour you sent me did really like, which was a lighter.

Which wasn't so. A paler, if you will. My argument was, I think all the walls painted the one colour. I could just physically couldn't sit in that room. And that's just me. Okay, so he attacked me about that. And I stood, I stood my ground, which I don't usually do. Usually I'm like succumb to, oh Lord, Matt, I'll let you get away with this one.

That level of patronising is not helping anyone today out. Okay, I take that back. That's more a tyrant. Are you sure? Bow down before me. Sometimes. Do you know the first thing he said when he rang? Let's go to battle.

It's like, whoa, chill out. It's not that serious. You know how many times I made Ash suck my dick. Oh my God. That never happened. Okay, I'm hearing both of you. And the fact that Ash is saying he can't physically work, we do need him to work when we're in the studio.

You need me. So we need a compromise. We need to consider Ash. We do. Yeah. We do. You do. You know, like, and then he was like, well, you do what you want with your side.

So that's what I think we do. I think. Fine. And I said, that's fine. If you want to have, if I said, it doesn't mean I don't want to have that color in there. Okay. I was like, it's overwhelming. And then he sent me a photo of a picture of another podcast studio that I referred to as tacky.

But he took it very personally because. He said not. I never did. He doesn't want to be taggy. It looked like a boy's bedroom. I think we need to. maturity about it and I get swimming with the tie. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Which we have. Ash wants maturity. Can we just, let's just have that on record. Time snap that right now. I don't know if you can tell that I'm developing. Okay. The character arc of me is developing. If you want to stay stagnant, that's up to you.

Now, I agree with swimming with the tie, but I said at some point, I don't want to be like everyone else, which I think is a fair point. I just think it's important to know. Someone who was a photographer. Oh, God. Vick's going to get dragged into this. I think a happy medium is fine. Because he was like, I'm not backing down.

That never happened. I never spoke like that. I would not have that tone of voice. I was literally like, hey, Ash, what do you think? And he's like, and he was like, get off me. Stop fucking. Stop trying to force your penis in my mouth.

Okay, here's what I'm hearing. I feel like I'm the mother and you are my two children. children and that you're moving. Don't Jen Muir us, okay? And you're moving into a new space together like a bedroom and you want to have different things. I think Ash, if you want a wall that's not the green, we can do that. And Matt, if you want a wall that is the green, we can do that. I agree. Saying it like that, I'm fine with that, but you're saying, we'll just do things separately. Honestly, I want people to know that's not how I called. You're on loudspeaker and April was like, do you want me to go after him?

babe? I was like, no, I've got this. It's fine. And I don't often stand my ground on things, to be honest, but this is new year, new me, and I'm working on myself. That's healthy and mature of me, but let's forge our own path. I think we need to put it to a public vote. Fair. Very fair. And see what the Dotas think, because they're the ones

that have to look at us. Just want to let people know that there is no risk of this podcast ending. That's what you think, buddy. Let's go to battle. Who starts a conversation like that? I think if Matt says, let's battle. That's him like being

jovial. He doesn't mean let's battle. Oh God. I did have a knife when I said that. He was he was, he made that phone call to try and dominate the situation. I called you, I called you to talk it through.

Oh God. That's and why and how you perceive that as being an act of war and act of a group. You said battle. I called you to talk it through. Like this? Would you say that your tone was like this? Like this?

Do you believe that his tone would have been like that? I don't know, but I think I need to be on all calls from now on. Let the dodas decide. Ash, I have a little gripe. If I may. So term one of school, we thought we're going to strip it right back. No extra activities. No sport.

We're just going to let the girls have school and school alone. I thought he meant for you before you said it. The girls. I was like, no sport for that? I would like to do gymnastics. But we thought, hey, we're now term two, I think. We are. We term two, the girls have shown some interest in gymnastics.

And I'm like, great. They want to do something. They've shown interest. They're asking for it. Like, I'll give them what they want. Because there's no better feeling than the girls having an interest. You enable it. And you're like, this is a beautiful thing.

They have tried gymnastics before, though, haven't they? They liked it. And then they kind of got offered. And then during kindi days. And we did kinskid. And we did soccer with Lola. and then after a few lessons, she got off of it. Those stupid backpackers.

And you're paying so much money for an experience where everyone's left unhappy. Yeah, this is the backpacker soccer coaches that were just like, thought they were in the UEFA. Yeah, they were doing like Premier League style trading drills for four-year-olds. Yeah, I was like, this is too much. So the girls want to do gymnastics. They now do the trial. I committed full-term payment. And I'm like, this is great.

They did it full trial? Full-day trial. Love it. Full day? I was like, sorry, that's an afternoon. They train for nine hours. I was like, I wonder why they still wanted to be there. Sorry, they had one session.

But at gymnastics, what they do, I don't know if this is a regular thing. There's a big wheel. Like a big wheel that has like a little like little dangly thing. And he goes, like a prize, like Wheel of Fortune. Thank you. What a great show.

We should revamp that. Bring it back. Two dads, real wheel of fortune. And so what the kids do? Give away holidays to elements. There are prizes, but they're like tiny like a slime bucket. That's another problem. But once they finish, the girls walk out, they spin the wheel,

see if they land on the major prize, which there's only like a couple of them pepid. Like there's like three on the wheel. Very hard to get. What's a major prize? A little slime bucket and like a little like fidget spinner. That's it. Fidger spinner I can get behind slime bucket.

That's not a major prize. No time. That's a major throw at straight at the bin. No time. And so they walk out, they spin the wheel, spin it once. They don't win because it's hard to win. and then they leave. Now, every time the last two weeks, when they haven't won,

my kids are like, but I just want to spin it again. And I'm like, well, that's one spin and that is it. And they're hysterical because they haven't yet won a prize on the wheel. And also they're spinning it. And then they're like, all right, get out. Now you've got to deal with this. It's like when Macy doesn't get a draw for in Uno, I've got to like give a one at the end.

Just to just like she cries. And I'm like, this is a lesson. You don't always win. Important life lesson. We're going to get out of here. I have children like on their stomach punching the floor being like, this is the worst day ever. Have they had to witness someone else winning and not them? Because there's a class all leaves at the same time.

And so there's always one person who wins. So they see what it's like. They see the glory of the winning person. It's a recipe for disaster. I just think we should remove the wheel. I don't want to tell them how to operate their business. Who implemented the wheel? I don't know.

What we should do? Let's go into battle with them. We should get them. I want to steal the wheel. I said to the girls, because we're driving home in the car, everyone's screaming. I'm getting told it's the worst day ever.

I've just paid like 60 bucks for this experience. Well, 120 because there's two of them, I may be exaggerating the fee. You should be able to, it should be for the parents. So the parents get to spend with a chance to win the money back for the lesson. That is genius.

Vicks are going to be like, you're a fucking idiot. No, I was just processing. that. That was very good. Because he was in shock with how good that was. Thank you. I think that's good gear. That's great. So if you're listening, gymnast people, one, we're sorry, but two, also, it's a recipe for disaster. I've said that any more tears, and there's no more gymnastics, because I'm like, I'm not paying money for this. You double down on the...

But then I'm like, it's, like, it's a week away. So we had a good conversation. They were like, okay, dad, like, we'll suck it up after like an hour of tantrums. And I'm like, Will they remember this conversation next week? Absolutely. Once they see the wheel, once they see that bright, shiny thing. Tunal vision. In the corner, they'll be like, must spin it now. What you could do as well is maybe have like a, you can get one on your phone.

And you could be like, if they'd lose and then maybe have it with all like prizes. But then they'll steal my phone. And I'm about, where the fuck my phone going? And they're there like on the pokey machine just like, want to get the major prize. That's another thing. I don't understand why they have it. But if I could put a different spin. Oh!

That's a good observation is why do they have it? Yeah, that confuses me in the first place. But I would say the first time it is going to be bad, that's a given. But the more they do it, the more they get used to the feeling, as what Jen would say, and it's resilience building. And what it actually reminds me of is that bluey episode with Pass the Parcel and how little bingo keeps losing every single time. And then by the end, she's good at losing.

She just accepts that she's a loser. I don't know if you know this. Bluey's not real. I know, but I like to think that it's good life lessons. I want my kids to be resilient. Or is it like every week they're going to be disappointed? Because if they're not learning and they're just taking it as disappointment, does that mean you're continuously letting a kid get disappointed if they're never going to win

with the chance of maybe winning once? Is it worth it? No. No. And then I've got bloody slime in the car. That's another story. Yeah. I think, like, if they spun it at the start, like, hey, you know.

But they wouldn't. They wouldn't. No, do you know why? Because it'd become their problem. Bastards. So what now? Where are we at? I don't know.

Do I let them spin it next week? Yes. Okay. All right. I reckon if they lose, you cause a scene. You throw the tantrum. We go, how do you like it? Not that I want, compare is a dangerous thing to do.

But I look at all you at the kids. And I'm like, they're all like, lose. Oh, move on. And I'm like, my kids. And I'm like, Why am I the only one screaming and kicking right now? Have they lost anything before? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You said that very tentatively. Like, yeah, I was very high pitch. No, Matt's telling Miley she's going to lose a tooth so that she doesn't get upset that Lola's losing a tooth. Okay, moving on. Hey, Poppy. I think I know where the problem lies, Victoria. Do you know the MVP of the family right now?

Buster. No, he sucks. Joking, I love Buster. Buster's doing great, but Poppy is doing even better. She is being a freaking legend. Oh, that photo of her in the, what's that chair that she was in outside with the sunny, he's on life. The inflatable.

The inflatable. I don't want to sit here and say that other parents with young children should do the same thing because every child is different. And I think when it comes to sleep, bloody hell, it's tough. It's tough. But I just want to say a lot of people flagged that it's hard with the baby in the bassinet next to your bed, in your bedroom, because they can smell the milk. They know you're there.

The scent. The scent. They're like bloodhounds. Yes. And they wake up lots. And so they were like, put her in another room. And I was thinking what? On the Pelotan.

I know the Pilates machine. Same thing. She is wedged in the, we have a little... She's in between the peloton and the... She's going to grow up. If she grows up to be really into fitness, you know what. We know why. But I thought if she wakes up, it's more effort because you've got to leave the room and

then you wake up more. But it is been. been a game changer last night. Not having her in there. I don't want to, I'm sorry to anyone who's struggling. I told you, sir. Just saying. You did.

You did. You're right. I got Oscar out in two weeks out of our room. He almost fell off his chair. I don't know. Macy was a bit different because I slept, because we had Oscar, obviously. What was he, like two? So he's still at that age where he might wake up here and there.

But I slept in the lounge room for six months. Best six months of my life. Sorry, babe. But, but it was great. But, yeah, two weeks with Oscar because I was like, fuck, he's too noisy. He did. making all fucking noises

and they go who it's like fuck is there an owl in here they are bloody noisy but yes I agree good good decision last night didn't wake up once yeah

you or the baby and so both sorry to any parent out there right now who is like doing multiple wake-ups it gets better it gets better what you put in now is what you'll

reap the benefits of later whatever a or reword that put it on a t-shirt well set I think it's time for some breaking news Matt Yeah, so this is a bit of a different breaking news today. I actually saw this article last night, and it hit a little bit differently, and I'll explain why at the end.

Okay. There's been a steady increase in Australian women choosing to have babies later in life, with more mums welcoming children in their 40s than ever before. Geriatrics? Is that the... Geriatric pregnancy, yeah. I always thought geriatric was much older. If someone said to geriatric pregnancy, I'm thinking, Nan, what are you doing? No, it's like, if you're 29, they're like, you're a geriatric. So we're all geriatrics here?

Yeah, oh yeah, Laura was a geriatric to pregnancy. That's right. Yeah, I think all mine were as well, to be honest. I think it's anything over 35. I feel like that needs to be addressed. Yeah. Oh, it's awful. Yeah.

Who's in charge of this? Who's the health minister? We'll get on to that. What's the dictionary? No, it's medical terms. Medical dictionary. So, continue. Change the name.

Okay, sorry. Okay, thank you. Well, experts say shifting careers, relationships, and access to fertility support are changing the timeline of motherhood across the country. And statistics show in the, the last 30 years, the number of mothers who've had babies after 35 has tripled, with some women revealing they became mums at 47 and 44 years of age. Wow.

And while these stories highlight a growing trend, they also landed a little differently for me this week. Okay. Because while it's not breaking news, I did wake up the other morning and I was 11 days late. Can I ask a really dumb question? when you're late like how often does that happen? For me never.

So you're always... It varies from woman to woman right because some people are like clockwork but some people are obviously. Yeah, if you've got polycystic ovaries or anything like that it can definitely delay it stress can also be a factor

weight can be a factor. Can I ask another really dumb question? There are no dumb questions. No, well I've on another podcast... Let's wait to hear it first. I once said the comment about where the pad sticks to. And some people were like, oh, that's okay. Like, it's a bit silly. A few people were like, how the fuck do you not know that? And I'm like, well, no one,

you don't know what you don't know. That's fair. But here we go. I'll ask a question. And then I'll deal with a hate later. Oh, God. Is it every four weeks? It's not four weeks. It's like, it depends on your cycle. So every woman has a different length of cycle. It can be anything between, I think, like 26 and 32. 22. 29.35 days. Just like the moon. For April. Or is that just as a... That's the moon. Isn't it similar? It is similar, but it isn't guided by the moon, if you think it is. Are you sure about that? It is just coincidence.

I mean, some people might think it is. I didn't know that. No, that's a fair question. I don't think that's a dumb question whatsoever, because majority of men at home, going to their wives or their partners and going, how many days is it exactly? Like, they're not having that conversation because mainly we're stupid. And also you don't know what you don't know.

Yeah. There's a lot of stuff. Thanks, guys. There's a lot of stuff about that we go to go to the bars from you guys are like, oh, fucking idiot. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I didn't believe I was done. That got him. That came down to you, Beggs. Eleven days late. Yeah. Okay. Continue from that point. Yeah.

So I asked Dan to go out and get me a pregnancy test because I was like, well, that's the first thing I need to rule out, right? How did he respond to that request? Oh, he was like, what? He's not had the sniff, has he? No. He hasn't. And so he went and did drop off for me so I could start working. and he took so long to get back

and every single scenario was going through my head. What happened? Did he get, did he like dropping to CMA? He went to the shops, he went to the chemist. Sydney traffic. I was like, where's his bloody test? Got hungry, got some lunch. Honestly, I was using all of my willpower to like not Google.

I ended up on chat chabit and basically because I'm 41, turning 42 next month, I'm looking great by the way. Thanks, babe. Yeah, new hair looks very good. Thanks. I am right on the brink of whether it can be pregnancy or perimenopause. Ah. It's funny you mentioned this.

Yeah. And so it was five hours between the time I realized I was 11 days late and the time that I did the pregnancy test. What the fuck was Dan doing? He went to see Lord of the Rings. Yeah, he's just like, I saw one, Lord of the Rings, one, two or three. Well, I woke up at 5 a.m. So everyone was still asleep. But the mental gymnastics that went through my head of every scenario, it was like, excited.

I was terrified. Fear. I was like my body, I don't think, can physically handle it. My brain, I don't know how the other kids are going to respond. Okay, we're going to have to sell our investment property. We're going to have to find another place. Must be nice. Dad's going to have to, like the amount of stuff that went through my head.

And then Dan came home with it. He's like, here you go, babe. I'm like, I bet you have not been thinking about it. I've literally planned a whole life around whether or not I'm pregnant right now. And he's driving going, do it. it's he would have remember when april was late years ago this popped up we were recording a podcast and april pokes a head down the stairs of our whole place and was like oh i just say no i'm late remember and we're like what the fuck thankfully like we weren't ready either and i had a second of a second

so it was like who is he anyway but like i remember in that brief period of time i was like oh god god my god i got to start all over again we're giving away all the shit The amount, so he would have been in that car trying to switch in radio stations trying to drown out the head noise being like, oh my God, we're going to have to sell everything. You know? And then he comes home and he's like, shaking as he has handed over.

He's gingling and he's just like, he's like, there's go. But inside he's going. He is right. Yeah. Yeah. He's a very cool car of a collected guy. But then we did the test

and it was a very clear dose straight away. But then you're met with a whole, other like rollercoaster of emotions. Yeah, because I'd literally just planned. I also didn't mention during that five hours, we also had a fight then about money, of course. Oh, of course you do. It's always the worst time as well. Yeah. But then I was like relieved, but also really sad actually, because I always did want a third baby. Okay. But I kind of just felt like that had passed. And then I think I got a little bit excited that, oh, I might have a little baby on my chest at the end of the year and, like, the excitement and the joy that that would bring, even though it would

also turn our life upside down, absolutely. Do you, are you off the back of that? Are you ruling out a third, or is it still something that maybe you would be considering that this article where it's more, becoming more and more common? Do you think that there is a stage of your life where you would want an animal? Entertain the thought? I think we definitely had been, for sure, up until. recently, I think.

And we... 5 a.m. that morning. You're like, oh, no! Yeah, it's funny, because as soon as it was like, it had been presented to me, I was like, oh shit,

like my body, our finances, our life, we're not ready for this. Like, and then when it was taken away, I was like, oh,

like I would have really loved to have that little bubby, but I don't think it's right for us. I think it really would have imploded our life. I actually even thought of relatable gym because you know how he was so positive about having that third surprise baby. And I was like,

oh, It could be like that. But yeah, like it's such a weird feeling because it was just any other day like normal. But because I had this one little blip, it really sent my whole brain on a journey. Yeah, you pretty much live your life out in your brain before anything's actually happened. You do it midway through your morning coffee. You're like, should I be drinking this coffee? Because I might be.

And then all of a sudden you're like, I'm not going to be able to drink coffee for a year. And it's like all the things that you're not going to be able to do in that time. And then you're like, oh, my God, I'm going to get another bedroom. Like the snowball I can imagine. Yeah. And then it was ripped. The knock on effect from a third baby. And you're like, whoa.

But the thing, and this is why Dan and I ended up having the fight, was because if I was pregnant, I wouldn't get rid of it. I would really want to have that third baby, even though I would. Laura did say, she was like, if we had an accident, I think she's trying to like scare me into getting a vasectomy. She was like, I would have to have it. And I was like, oh my God. But my mom had her fifth baby, Tom, shout out to Tom, my younger brother. she was 43 when she had time.

She would have been progressive at her time back then. Like that's, like now it's becoming more norm. But people, like my parents, well, my parents were pretty late to the 30s in that time. But like people were having kids in like their 20, like 22. Yeah, it's funny, isn't it? So yeah, that was my week this week. Okay. How are you feeling now?

I've kind of come to terms with it. But I definitely had a few tears actually. Okay. Well, if you ever want to talk about it, Matt and I are always here. Oh, thank you. I've got two big babies right here. Yeah, yeah, well. Let's go to battle.

I don't know if you've noticed, Matt. You did see Oscar yesterday. He's shot up a little bit. Well, not as much as I thought. Thanks. I'm short. My parents are short. There's no one tall in my family.

Macy had grown up. I saw Macy. She got a knees done. He's really tall now. No, Macy is grown up. She's turning it. Oscar, same, same. Okay, same, yeah.

Okay, fair enough. But he looks great. Thank you. Athletic. He's skin and bone. But he started to eat, you know, and it's like, kids don't know how good food is until like, you know, like now I'm like food and sleep.

That's amazing and they hate both of them for some reason. But I just want to say, I think we have a child prodigy on our hands here. Okay. Four games of soccer he's played. Have a guess how many goals he scored in four games. Hard to know if kids are scoring like similar level of goals as like a professional match or if it's going to be like 20 nil.

I mean, how big is the pitch? So many questions. What sizes are the goals? I'll simplify your life and just tell you. Please. So, on debut, scored a hat trick. For those playing at home, a hat trick is three. And just for reference, what was the final score of that game?

For one? So that, I'm no... Without him, it's a draw. That's how I see it. Yeah. And then the next game, doubled up. He scored six. Six goals.

There's an Eastern European dad on our team, and he's like, does he want to come live with us? We'll nurture this talent. We'll nurture it. In four games, he's scored 18 goals. Oh my gosh. That's very arrogant. Isn't it?

Tell him to dial it back. I know. I'm like, come on, man. You can't be better than me already. Is it awkward when you're like, oh, he's scored another one? It's more like... That little whiff it, kid's scoring. It's not just the scoring.

He's going shoulder to shoulder with kids and like working kids off the ball. He's slide tackling and taking the ball and no let. I'm like, what's going? What's going on here? Will he be the next Harry Kiel? Maybe. Do we send him to England? But we are undefeated, the Vipers, and I want to show you something that one of the duds is made,

which I thought, this is good gear. Harrison with the vision, precise incisions on the field. Andre's got the heavy ammunition. It's a done deal. Eliza and Jay Locking down the whole entire zone. Harry B. and Rosie running the midfield they own. Kai, Evie and Kaya, the front line is pure fire. Oscar Harry W. Clay taking the game higher.

Sophie and Charlie, that's the final sting, the play's done. The Vipers run the city piece, we already won. Wow. Mic drop. Is that AI? Or is that him rapping? No, it's AI. Oh, that's so good, isn't it?

I know. That is amazing. I love that. Did that, like, pump them up before the game? Yeah. And then they go, you vipers! Wow. I want to do that for Louis' rugby team.

You should do it. Really gets me. Just remind me how you were scouted when you were a young boy. I wasn't scouted. Just tell me the story. What happened? Well, it was a rainy winter's morning. I used to play a bit of soccer.

And I do remember I must have been 12 and we went to a tryouts game. Where like, I think from my team, three players got chosen. We did a day clinic where we did some skills, played a match. I didn't get picked. Oh, we've all been there, though. Did you have that experience? I had that as a child. I wasn't picked for anything either.

So, like, I, my, good to have us back. It's good to have us. It's good to see us talking again. Yes. It was awkward, but now we're good. Do you think there is any chance here? You often see it with parents wanting to, like, give their child the life that they always wanted. Can you implant your dream of being an international soccer star into your child?

No. Okay. And this is why, okay. For example, Jack Robinson, professional service. I had a big fallout with his dad because his dad was that dad. Well, it's like Elena Dockich. Yeah. And her dad.

And Serena and Venus Williams, their dad. Yeah. It's always the bloody. I don't want to, I want to buck that trend, Matthew. I want to be able to support him and, like, be able to, thankfully, I have 25 years worth of soccer knowledge that I can help him, but I also wanted to be humble. So I'm also very much, like, I know you scored, but this is a team sport. How do you make sure it doesn't go to his head?

Anytime someone else scores, he's the first. to congratulate that player. And it's like, you do that. And he's very good at it. He's getting better at it. April, not so much. April's like, you're the best. Come here, you're the best.

And I'm like, the team's meeting at half time. And April's got him over here. Like, yeah, you're the best. Don't worry about them. shitty kids. And I'm like, it's a team sport. And he's like, I'm like, there's no eye in team. And April should be.

I know. And she's on the sideline going, go! Oh, God. I'm trying to get. I'm trying to get some footage of her, but she keeps catching. Literally. So I'm trying to keep him humble because I'm like, hey.

But he's scoring 18 goals in three games. That's mission impossible. For what it's worth, I just want to say I was at your house yesterday and I didn't pick up any sense of arrogance from him whatsoever. That comes down to the parent, I'd say. Stop making your children hate me. You did overstay you welcome. I did ask him wanted a store and he was like, just get the fuck out.

He just wanted a snack. Ash, I've started doing something. as a parent that I swore I would never do. Oh, okay. And when I heard parents doing this, I would think to myself, like under my breath, I'd be like, don't hit your kid.

You're so dumb. So dumb. Okay, all right. Why would you do that? Why would you sit yourself up like that? Okay. And now that person who I would once laugh at has now become the person that I am.

Oh. And it's, you know, it's, It's mature that you could recognize that. It's mature of me to own up and be honest about the mistakes that I've made. Okay. Go on. So Lola likes me a lot more than she used to, which is a great thing. She used to hate you.

She used to tell me all the time. She used to not want... Sorry, Vic. Ash can laugh at my hardships. I would expect more from you. I'll give you a pass. You can laugh as much as you like. She used to hate me.

Lola would not let me brush her teeth. I couldn't get out of the bath. I couldn't put a paj. I couldn't do anything. She was just almost. man, I used to break my heart. And then lately I've kind of crept in there, weasel my way in, copy dash, in his weaseling ways.

You really tried really, really, really hard to get in there. I think it was when I went away. I'm a celebrity. That was a game changer. Being away. If anyone wants their child to want them all, just leave. Just leave. And not just for like a week.

You need to go for like 30 days. Yeah. And they're not long enough that it causes generational trauma. And don't contact them. Like, don't message them. And then, wow, watch them do a 180. I know, yeah. Lola was like...

I remember that didn't last long, though. She went back into her old ways pretty quickly. She, like it dialed back and now we've reached a happy medium. But when it comes to the bedtime routine, like with Mali, read her a story, put it down for a sleep. End of. Obviously, she'll ask for a warder or, you know, she, there's a few things that she requests. Do you do separate reading or just one book for both?

One book for both. They each get to choose a book. do one, I'll do another one, end of. And Lola, she goes, just come and land my bed for a bit. Just come give me a cuddle. Just give me a little cuddle. Do you think it's true love or manipulation? She likes it. Okay. She likes it, but she also knows that. And you're like, yes. I would never say no. I can't say no to that. I always say no. I'm starving for attention. And she gives me a crumb and I'll fucking eat that right on. You're like, oh yeah, my, what do you go for me? But now every night, I have to go into her bed.

I have a side that I have to lay on. I have to put my arm around her waist and I give her a cuddle. Normally works out for about four or five minutes. I remember parents when they would speak about the fact that their child has to go to sleep with a cuddle before they go to bed. I'd be like, fuck, that's a pain.

Because I could just read the story, clean break. I'm out of there. Boom, job done. You're delaying your time after they go to sleep because you're like stuck in there. You're like, can I leave? Especially did you put you on the side

furthest from the door? Yeah. It's going to cause the most chaos of you're leaving. Also, when you do cuddle around the waist, I feel that my arm's so heavy on their tummy. I try and aim for a hip. Do you do the same? Yeah, forearm on the hip, take some of the weight off.

But sometimes Laura will do like the second story. And I'm downstairs going, oh, thank you. I've missed it. And then she's like, Daddy. My turn. And now I have to negotiate because I go, you got one minute. She goes, two minutes. I go one minute, two minutes.

I have to lay there. I have to wait until she's ready. So she lays in bed first. She tucks herself in. I then hop in, arm around, stroke her hair twice, kiss her on the cheek, then I have to get up, give her a hug outside the blanket, give her another kiss, stroke her hair. Oh, God.

And it's a fucking... It's the Da Vinci Code. Process. It is a process. So you're not there until she falls asleep. No, but she has to be pretty, like, drifting off. Dossile, yeah. And then, uh, and then, like...

Have you thought about chloroform? Give me a cuddle. And now I'm like, fuck, I'm there. And I can't, I could never not give her the cuddle. There's got to be a way out It is what it is But is the routine Going to get longer and longer

It has, yeah, yeah I'm now like 20 minutes in I've got to light on, light off Turn around, touch my toes Clap, clap, clap Give her a kiss Star Jump, star jump Turn around

Back down Give her a hug tuck her in Out the door back in God It sounds exhausting But there's going to be a time Where she doesn't want you in there

So I'm enjoying it So I would say Do you, what are you doing cuddle your kids? No, I don't touch them as it should be it's it's they're in bunks as well

so I go Oscar give Oscar a kiss maybe some words of affirmation like do better and then I'll go underneath and I'll give macy and she usually grabs hold of my head yeah for a full immersive

fully immersive I fucking love you yeah he's just like squeeze my cheeks and then what we'll do is we'll go okay and we're like look if you're gonna talk quietly never talk quietly

it always escalates into a fucking giggle and someone's fucking doing something dumb. Usually Oscar. He's an entertainer. I don't know where he gets that from. And then I always hear the dad or mom. It's like, can you give us one more kiss after you have a shower? And it's like, okay.

And then sometimes they're asleep before we actually get to them, which is kind of cute too, because you go into giving me kids and already asleep. And then you go to kiss him and they're like, get over me! They're like, danger, danger! But that's usually how it goes down. But then they always just end up in our bed anyway. Like, this is the thing, right?

We say, hey, make sure you stay in your bed tonight. But if we miss saying that across the course of the day at all, it's free range. So they're waiting to be like, oh, the fucking, the fucking, the idiot forgot. Yeah. Like last night it was like 10 o'clock night was like, maybe I just yell it from here. They might subconsciously it'll absorb. Stay in your own bed tonight. Macy was in there last night, so she's in here.

But, yeah, like I said, there's going to be a day where she's going to be like, what are you doing? Just be warned, the second you get in there and you give them a cuddle, there's no turning back. I can't physically get in there anyway. I know your back is so fucking bad. I thought you can say, oh, you're fat. But that's where I was alluding to. I don't have the mobility to get in there. And Oscar's bed won't support my weight.

Hey, Ash, we have a little cheeky outy segment. Let's do it. This segment is where parents write in Matt, and they tell us things that they thought they knew before having kids. like that was some sort of genius. You said that really well. Thank you. Good. Different. Alty.

Alty. Good. Different. Do you want to start? Yeah, this one is from Sarah. Sarah, thank you so much for writing in. Hi, Sarah. I was absolutely convinced that my kids would never have a tantrum or cry at the shops.

I've definitely, before having kids, I looked at a parent being like, can you just, like, control your child? There was an episode where I, remember I was like, I wasn't shitting on someone. I was pointing out that I saw. someone's kid having a meltdown came out, remember, at the front? And I was like, at the time, I was like, oh, my kids, my kids aren't going to do that. My kids don't do that, but they fucking definitely do it. It's just the way it is. It's like, you know, when you're watching a sad movie and something devastating happens

and you're like, you feel the emotion? Think about, like, being a two-year-old and then they're like, you can't have that toy. The devastation. It's just going to happen, right? It's just like. Oh, me and the Wheel of Death. Yeah. Every Monday.

Gymnastics pickup. Well, this one's from Lauren. I hated when my mom would say because I said so and swore I'd never say that to my kids. Whoops. Yeah. I always say, because I said so

and I don't need an excuse. End off. End off, yeah. Do you ever say, absolutely not? Is that in your vocab? Yeah, it's definitely in there. It absolutely is.

That's my go-to. Can I just have one more lolly? Absolutely not. I feel like parents, it's just ingrained in us. It's natural. If they say, can I have, have one more Lolly, I'm like, I want the one I gave you back.

I like that. I say a hard no. Hard no. But now Louis says that back to me. If I ask him to do so, he's like, hard no, mom. I was like, to Lolo, I was like, do you want to brush your hair? Absolutely not. This one is from Lexi. Sexy Lexi. Start that again. Lexi's a great name. I like that.

Is it short for something? Alexa. Anyway, I said I'd have no plastic toys. Now I have bins full of Lego, magnet tiles everywhere, and every kind of plastic dinosaur that exists. I know. I do know once I did overhear a young couple say, I was eavesdropping at the park, whatever. It was a cafe, whatever. No, they were like, oh, they were like, oh, definitely going to have to have just like all wooden toys. Shut the fuck up. They hurt more, the wooden toys. It's not that they hurt more, it's like... And also like four bucks from Kmart.

Who's whittling a fucking toy, like out of wood now? You know? We do have a wooden rocking horse. I bet you do. Like a tiny little one. And that's the only wooden toy that we have. Everything else is like made in Bangladesh. Oh, totally.

We inherited one of those little kitchens. Did you guys have one of those little kitchens? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but like... But we inherited it and all the things are wooden. They last like 10 seconds. Like, honestly, they're... heavy. The kids are like, oh, it's such a waste of material.

Oh, yeah. Last one from Malay? Malia! I'm going with Malia. Malia, it is great to have you on the podcast. Malia and I apologize, I am no good at pronouncing names. I had a childless friend suggest I do cloth diapers when I had two under two and I laughed in her face. Like, it's parents who can do the cloth diapers, I commend you.

That is elite level parenting. Do I want to be competing in that competition? Absolutely not. My mum and dad did cloth nappies for my sister, who's older. When they got to me, they gave up. They're like, this shit stinks. No, but my... Just the level of washing.

I'm really, this is going to be really bad. I'm going to throw my sister under the bus here. Please. Pretty badly. She won't hear it. She doesn't care. She doesn't give a shit about anything I have to say. Shout out to Beth.

Betty. Shout out to Betty. When I had Oscar, okay, my sister, and I vividly... vividly said it. She didn't have a kid yet. She has one who's the same age as Macy. When I just had Oscar, she's tried to convince me to use cloth nappies because that's what she wanted to use for her kids because of the environment. I get it. That's fine. Everyone has their agendas. I get it. And I laughed. I laughed and laughed. I'm still laughing. And now the listeners are laughing. You go to bed and April's like, what are you chuckling about over there?

And you're like, just Beth. What an idiot. And then I remember when she had, when it had her kid and I was Like, how's those cloth nappies going? Do you want to... I bought you a couple of cloths. No word. Nothing. What do you do with the poos? You put that in the bin or you put that a toilet?

With cloth napes? Yeah. If you can tip it out, I guess. Into what? You wash it in the, like, basin in the laundry. But where do you put the poo? You put in the toilet and you flush it? Yeah, the solid bit of poo.

Like, if it's a solid, if it's a solid poo, you'd throw it into the toilet. If it's a milky, like your poo is going to be after that big glass of milk, guilty. It'll be just a, just a, just a, just a, you know, you're just to, you. You get your thumbs in there like that. Not for me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Let the planet burn! Oh, God. Oh, God. Come for me. Every time I put the nappy in the bin, I'm like, sorry, Mother Nature. I'm really sorry. This is your shit to deal with now, literally. I'm not re-wash it.

We do care about the environment. Like, do they still make them? Or people just using teetails? I think they stopped making them. Hey, look, do I wish I was a little bit smarter with my nappies? Sure, sure. Matt, you could be a lot smarter. And if you consider yourself a smart shopper,

take the Audi IQ test today at IQ.aldi.com.com. And find out if you're a true grocery genius or not. Aldi, good, different. Matt, usually we have our doted dilemmas here, which we do love. Do we? And we appreciate it. Joking, I know. We do love or we do have it.

Both. Moving on. They've moved. We have rejigged. We've removed them from this episode. They're now in the Monday episode, which is the next week. Yes, and look out for that episode. It is our housekeeping episode where we talk about everything that you've sent in,

much like Dota Dilemas and other things. We waffle. Us? No. But if you've enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a review. Apple Podcast, Spotify, or they can join us on socials. We're at that. Two doting dads.

We have TikTok, Instagram. There's also a Facebook group. It is delicious. I really need to go empty my guts because that milk is curdling right now. Ew. on that note, watch our YouTube. Bye. Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia

and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigle Land.