Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #229 Can we leave the kids at home?

Episode Date: May 26, 2026

Cover your kids ears for this ep because there's a whole lotta adults only chat on board. Matt's girls walked in on something he'd rather they hadn't (don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds). Ash's all hot under the collar because April's doing party pumps. Plus we debate the great parenting dilemma: is a child-free holiday self-care or selfish? And one of the all-time smartest dinner hacks with kids. Consider yourself a smart shopper? Take the ALDI IQ Test today at www.IQ.ALDI.com.au and find out if you’re a true grocery genius... or not. ALDI. Good different. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I was on the way back from the airport yesterday, and there is a little road, not a little road. It's like the main road in and out of the northern beach. It's called the Wakeers Parkway. Okay. And everyone are driving along. Mine on their own business, as we're doing. And I look over, and there's a, it's one of those roads where you're not allowed to walk up, like a highway. You're not meant to be walking or riding your bike up there.

There's a kid on an electric scooter. Oh, fucking hell. Coming the other way, and I was like, there's a cop car in front of us. Nothing happened. And we're like, that's illegal, surely. Did he have a helmet on? Yeah, yeah. Thank heavens.

And a few hours has gone by. And then April sends me a message. One of the local mum's groups has reported on it. Oh! I feel like I was in on the news. Hold that thought. Welcome back to two-doting dads. I'm Maddie J.

And I'm Ash. Sorry, I forgot. That's right. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the related. And we don't give advice.

But Ash, give it to me straight. So it says, hi, Mums. I saw this boy aged maybe 14, riding an e-scooter along Way Coast Parkway today, midday, Sunday. I was there, and I was so worried for him. Cars were moving to give him a wide berth, but it really is an accident waiting to happen, especially on the narrow bends.

And just a picture of this kid is just good kid. What's on the back of his shirt? I don't know, but he's just like on his daily commute on his scooter. That's a narrow strip. You're not meant to be, yeah, there's no way. April was like, how did he get on here? Like from the start, and it's what, 9Ks or something? But it's like so many people have died on that road.

Mate, I saw a kid go past on a scooter just like that, passed me as I was waiting for my coffee, and he discarded a vape. And I was like, and then he stopped because he was waiting for his mate. And I was like, what do I do here? Do I? Knock him out. Do I say something? I got too scared.

I know. I freaked out. I freaked out. I've heard stories. Like some of the moms, our neighbor once told off some kids on e-bikes. and they threw a helmet at her. No, I told you about the guy I had a crack at. Who?

So, okay, I had Macy in the car and I'm driving towards the shops, right? And on the way to the shop is a roundabout. I was turning right into the shop and there was an e-bike with him and his mate, no shirts on the summer, coming up on the road, don't have a problem, don't care about that, whatever. But I thought to myself, I know the road rules. He clearly doesn't because he's not slowing down at all. So I...

You're an experienced good driver. Thank you very much. And you also do Sim racing for Formula One. I could do the main roads around here at 300Ks an hour, no problems. And then I was like, I'll slow down a little. Do you know I race Sims? I'll slow down a little bit here so that I don't, one, I don't. I just wanted to spook him, right?

And he slammed the brakes on and looked at me and I put the window down and I said, what did you say? I said, I pull a dad point. Yeah. Next time I'll fucking run you over, cunt. Oh. Yeah, full, I had my daughter in the car April was like, what's happening?

But I was full like, I will fucking run you. And I... But sometimes you got to come at them with aggression, Vic. He was petrified. Good. And I was like, anyway, have an honest day? And took off. You give him a minute. I'll take a mile, Vic. Yeah, exactly right. I think, look, if I didn't, if it was someone else,

someone a little bit of less experienced than me on the road who can't do 300ks an hour on a simulator, it could have caused an accident, could be two dead teen, and a poor, innocent person who's going to have to suffer that for the rest of that. I've given him a stern warning that if I see him again being a dick, I will fucking run you over, and I mean it.

But please don't. Didn't a guy in the Northern Beach has run a child over on a e-bike? Sorry. Housekeeping, and this is a story that I'm going to squeeze in there. Vic asked to hear what the story is before we recorded it, and I was like,

uh-uh, no, no, no. I'll tell you. You don't know. You don't know. And... Good. I'm in the dark. It's two topics that Vic hates. Oh, okay.

It involves a toilet and an erection. I thought you loved those topics. I actually said to Matt, is it about poo or calm? And I was like, wow, you're in for a treat. It's both. Okay, so you may not know this. Maybe the listeners don't know this, but it's very natural for a man to wake up with an erection. Shock horror, it actually means you're healthy.

So it's a good sign. It is a healthy sign of what testosterone? I don't know. Yeah, apparently. I don't know. Everything's just working in order. Yeah, it is. I wake up, I do a wee as like the first point of call.

So I had an erection. I walk over to the bathroom. And Vic, I don't know if you can appreciate how tricky it is for a man. It's very hard. To do a wee. Yeah, that was going to meet my first question, actually. Thank you. So yeah, please ask a way.

So how does one wee when they have an erection? That's a very good question. Well, you could stand like over and you like, lean and you like pull pull down the erection so it like angles down. It does restrict the stream though. It does restrict. Yeah, it closes the clogs. closes the pipes. Sorry. Very well said. But I'm also a bit sleeping in the morning so I like to sit down. Oh yes. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

Amman after mine heart? So what do you do tuck it under the toilet seat? So. Oh, oh. So I tuck it down. This morning's erection was quite large. Oh God. Jacob will audio over here. If I, if I should. If I can say that. It was massive. And to tuck it down, I start weeing. And I'm kind of like, you know, sitting there.

I'm very tired. I've just working up. And then I kind of look and I'm like, oh, that's weird. And then there's like a burst pipe. Like this stream is coming out from under my legs. Oh, yeah. And there's a little gap between the toilet seat, the fixed toilet seat, the toilet lid, like what you sit on.

there's a little gap there. Yeah, because there's the soft clothes bits, but it leaves the gap. So my erection has ended up slipping into that gap and was peeing out. Oh, like a hydrant. Like a hydrant. That's good gear.

Are you with me, Vic? Ah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if she's with us. We'll have to show you a diagram later. Matt, get an erection. Let's go to the bathroom. I'll show you. So anyway, so it's taking me like 10 seconds to notice.

There's a lot of piss on the floor. Oh, God. You've got three kids to blame. I'm wearing my grey track pants. And so my track pants are covered in pisses, there's piss all over the floor. And I'm like, oh, this is a bit awkward. Marley walks in. Oh, God.

And she's like, what hell is this? What's happening? She's like, piss everywhere. I was expecting her to slip over. And she's like, did you have an accident? And I was like, yeah, I had an accident. She's like, it's okay. Get used to it, kid.

And she's like, that's fine. It happens. It does. Was you, we have a really strong PSI as well, or was it? No, not as strong as yours. It was like an average stream. Mine sends me back. What I do when I pee when I have an erection is different.

I might have to stand up for this. Okay? Sorry, Nick. Okay, sorry. Because I have to force it down and it is quite uncomfortable. This is very uncomfortable. What I do is I still stand up straight, but I just take steps back like this and harbor Bridgett.

That is high. risk. That's arrogance in the highest regard. Thank you. And I would have got way less piss on the fall than you because I've been doing that my whole life. So I'm a pretty much a professional. How far back you from the toilet? Oh, three or four meters? What the fuck? No, I don't like two minutes. Vic looks impressed. I used to live in this house that the shower was on the opposite end of the toilet. So I would get in the shower in the morning and I would pee in the toilet from the shower. Wow. The perfect man does exist. Thank you. Here he is. Ash Wicks. I can just, all the women listening in their cars right now.

Disgusting. Oh my goodness. They do exist, these perfect men. Send this to your husband's bit of inspiration of how they should be behaving in the bathroom. Yeah. What, pissing all over the floor. Yeah.

Woo-hoo! Sorry, Vic, to share that story. That one was actually okay. Okay. All right, I got a worse one. And then I came everywhere. And then I pooped and came at the same time. How about you give us a studio update instead?

Oh, yeah. Can we get a bidet in the studio? A bidet? I missed the bidet. I never used one. Really? I've just worked out my shower. You can turn the nozzle so it's like a jet.

It's delightful. Don't hate me. Don't hate me. We did talk about some paint colors yesterday. And I said, should we paint some swatches? And you were like, fuck that. Just fucking commit. Just get the paint four liters.

That's the sort of guy. I couldn't commit. Why not? Because I wanted to just paint a little swatch on the wall to see what it looks like. So you're going to do that while I'm doing the real work. No, okay. I thought we could paint the undercoat. I'm going to paint.

a swatch. There's a bunnings nine minutes down the road, eight minutes even. So then we can make a call on it, because there's a couple of different greens that we're not quite sure about. Don't hate me! It's going to be the first one you paint. And then, but we're all going to be happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm never not happy.

I know. I think it's a good idea. Okay. All right. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. But if you hate it, like... That's okay. That's fine. I think whatever the first one is, I'm going to love it. Okay. I'd be quick. I'll be so quick. You won't even No, but we are painting after this record.

I am excited about hanging things. It's nothing like hanging something up, eh. It's such a good feeling. I'm just going to hang everything we can. I've hung everything I own at home. It's fucking amazing. Peach me. The feeling you get of successfully hanging a picture on the wall,

there's nothing else like it. All I've got is just pissing with a boner. That's what you got? Wait till you do this. Wait till you hang something pissed with a bono. Yes! Sorry, Vic. Is it because you're using a drill?

Does that make you feel very manly? It's like holding a. That's just one of the things. I guess who knocked on the door the other day? Who? Ronda's nephew. What? And just feel people in her who the fuck Ronda was.

Ronda was my neighbour. The general. The general who sadly passed away. I want to say like seven weeks ago, what do we reckon, guys? She's the one who pooped herself to death. Yes, she was found dead on the toilet. She passed out. I mean, not passed that, she died.

It was a big one. On his toilet. But he's just such sensitivity in bringing up the topic. It's been seven weeks. I know, but she's passed. Yeah, rest in peace. Knock on the door and this person goes to Laura. Hey, where's Ronda?

And Laura goes, I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah. She's not here. And he goes, what? She goes, yeah, she died on the toilet. Yeah. She didn't say that. Yeah.

Leave it in. Laura would not stay in. No, he's way more sensitive than you and I. And then he goes, oh, I'm her nephew. And Laura was like, oh. Yep, she pooped herself to death. And then, but the weird thing is, they're trying to hunt down a family member

to give the house to, right? You changed your last name, didn't you? You're like, I'm Rhonda's son. But he goes, my poor, my poor Rhonda, oh my God, I've been worried sick. She didn't return my phone call. and I've, you know, I've been so worried. And it's like, she's like someone who you're quite close to.

And she's not answering your phone calls. And she's in her 80s and she lives by herself. And you live 10 minutes down the fucking road. Where have you been? Where have you? Because he goes, when did she die? I was like recently. 2010?

Laura's like fucking seven weeks, almost two months ago. And he was like, oh, what a shame. Yeah, I've got a reminder of my phone scheduled every two months to call it. I was like, seems fishy. Yeah. It definitely is DNA testing. Anyway, next thing he's there, like, just cleaning out the staff. He's moved in.

What's he like? I don't know. I didn't see him. I didn't see him. Yeah, who knows? I'll keep everyone updated on that, yeah. Is he going to take the bins out? Lighten your load a bit?

Although. Is he going to move in? Yeah, is he going to move in? He's already got a house in Kudji down the road. Must be nice. I know, but he's sitting on. That house is... I told you to change the logs ages ago.

Well, I freaked out. You would be halfway owning it by now. I almost cleaned out the fridge, but I did. Anyway. Okay. We recently sold a bunch of toys for the Humpty Dumpty Foundation and someone has written in about one of said toys. Can I just say huge thanks to all the dotas who purchased those soft toys?

Yes. Appreciate all of your contributions. I think they did sell more Maddie J toys than Ash toys. I think. And when I say I think I know. What about that for a brag? Well, we might know the reason why if you really read this message. I'm going to read this message out. My partner and I, fostering a puppy and her new

favorite chew toy is none other than Maddie J. Her favorite areas to bite are the groin. That's my favorite area too. The face, sorry Maddie. We love the podcast. And Ash, we love you too, but didn't get an ash doll as we found the mustache disconcerting. You're much more handsome in person. Thank you. It was quite a stringy little, you know, obviously to the factoring in China, I gave strict instructions on the thick mustache, and they took that information incorrectly, and they gave you a bit of a, like, a 17-year-old kid. Ah, dangar. Yeah.

Even though we don't have kids, you two are great. Keep it up, and Ash, keep up your sobriety to amazing work and truly admirable. That's what that word means. Is that a, should I be offended that I'm being mauled by a dog? Yeah, that's fine. It's about time, Amanda Jay, got a bit of action. Yeah. Wow.

Must be nice. Yeah. A bit teethy, but that's okay. Hey Ash, just quickly, we talked about my kids having a full-blown doing gymnastics, and after each class they have the spin the wheel from a major prize. Can confirm no major prize has been won. The meltdowns are getting smaller. They're not non-existent.

They're still there, and the gymnastics centre has ignored my request to remove the wheel from the reception area. And now your kids have a severe gambling addiction. So we got to the pokies afterwards instead. Try and win it all back. Hey, we talked about pathetic injuries Oh yeah Recently I do want to say sorry to everyone

Who had to listen to that story But it was funny Was that the one where you came in the bathtub And slipped over? Yep People love that story Vic Trust no, look at Vic's face

April hated it I actually thought it was the one Where you got a soccer injury at Oscar soccer That was pathetic too That was That was pathetic as well I just wanted to bring up come

Come Guys got come on the mind Yeah Come on the mind Have you recovered from the back injury? Yeah. I'm fine.

Yeah, just roll my ankle on the weekend playing basketball. But I'm all good. Back's all good. Groin's a bit sore from other things. Well, actually, this might make you feel a little bit better about your, what do you got, bad back? What don't I have?

Okay, so Rebecca has written in, shout out to Rebecca, and she's been very brave in sharing her story that she broke two ribs from coughing. From a cough. What an aggressive cough. I mean, how? Like, did she cough while falling down the stairs? I suppose, like, how much air are you intaking?

You've got to have great lungs if... What is she, a puffer fish? That is pathetic, so... Well done. Matt, speaking of news and things that are broken. Speaking of pathetic. How did you? I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, Vic.

That was... I was avoiding it. Speaking of injuries, here's Vic. Sorry, Vic. That wasn't the intro that you just. deserve. Here is the magnificent, incredible, very intelligent and witty, Vicky. It's V, okay? Yeah.

Oh my God. Anyway, new research shows the hundreds of constant interruptions, moms are faced with every day is actually doing us more harm than good. Experts say being interrupted every three minutes by the constant requests from children keeps mum stuck in a prolonged state of stress. As a result, mum's brains get stuck. in high alert mode, keeping cortisol levels high, and leading mums to burnout, exhaustion, poor sleep, mood swings, and difficulty focusing.

Yeah, I see that. I mean, we were warned. Family guy warned us years ago. Remember there's that scene? He's like, mum, mum, mum, he's like, hi. And then she just runs off. Like, that is so real. It's never like, dad, dad, or if it is, I can't hear it.

I'm just tuning out. Yeah, it's like, just give me your time. I'm over here. Give me attention. I know. And I'm always like, Can you wait? I want attention first.

April. It's relentless. And I think someone wrote in one of our videos, they were like, kids don't do it intentionally. They don't intentionally annoy us and make, like, more difficult. And I was like,

Oscar does. I think they kind of do know what they're doing. Sometimes I think, I think kids are like, do you know what, today I'm just going to fucking make life hard for mum and dad. I think they know it. They know it.

They just want to get a reaction. Like sometimes, I like to push Laura's buttons. It's one of last simple pleasures. Thank you. To annoy your wife. Thank you. And she annoys me.

I caught many a finger in the asshole. We don't want to know what you do in your private life. Well, do we? But I think kids, sometimes they're just like, sometimes they're amazing. And sometimes they have those moments where they're just like, they know what they're doing. Oh, yeah. And they see us getting burnt out, stressed out on like, the edge of having a breakdown and they're just like, I'm just going to keep going.

I was going to poke the bear one more time. Yeah, fuck it. What happens? They wonder why I turn around and yell. Yeah. Do you reckon it's because they just want to be like always in your orbit? Always. Always.

Always in the orbit. Get out of my orbit. They don't know the difference between good attention and bad attention. And even sometimes the bad attention is. That's actually right. Yeah, because then that's the one you actually act on. Like I find with my kids, Lily's definitely more vocal and, and last. Like she, as I've mentioned on the pod before, like she cries a lot.

And I think it's because she has worked out, like it's survival of the fittest. And she will, yeah, scream and cry at the job of her hat because she knows it'll get my attention. And it'll get me to stop. The thing about every three minutes, it does feel like every three minutes. It's relentless. And they did the math on it. And it's like over 400 times a day, you're getting interrupted. And no wonder like our brains are feeling like they're about to explode.

Because like we've got this like, you just don't. start doing something and then you get distracted. Imagine if you had three of them. But also, do you know what I really need to get better at? I love her so much. And she does so much for the family. Nana. Nana.

Because, because... Does she do it too? No, because she's... No, Matt does it to her. There's always something, like, she's tried to order something off Uber Eats. And she'll be in the other room and she'll go, Matt, I don't know how it's happened, but I've just called Triple Zero

and I'm like, fuck, what have you done, mum? And I'm like, give me your phone and I'm like right at the edge of just like having a moment. She's getting you back from all when you do when you're a kid. I know, I know. She probably goes the other room going, I'll fucking suck shit.

I'll get this guy. She texts me and go, hey, Ash, how can I annoy him, Matt? I'm like, that's easy. Here's a list of things to do it. Is she still messaging it? Yeah, all the time. How dare you? I sent her a happy Mother's Day on Mother's Day.

Did you actually? I was waiting for Matt to get it. What'd you say? Happy Mother's Day. I love you more than your son. Wow. No, I didn't. I just said Happy Mother's Day.

She's like, thank you. I was the first one. Why wouldn't she tell me that? Hey? Why wouldn't she tell me that? She's keeping it from you. Remember when I called her on Mother's Day before you? I think it was two years ago.

And she was like, look, Ash is calling me. Remember? It was a video call and I called. Maybe it was a birthday or something. And I was like, I'm going to get married. How far will you take this gag? So far. So far.

We're getting married. Yeah. And you're like, gotcha. Gotcha. You can call me dad. Vic, thank you for the breaking news. Oh, anytime. Thank you, Vic.

Hey, I went away with April over the weekend, no kids, which was lovely. But we were going out one night. This is a very quick story. We're going out one night out to an event that I was invited to together, which was nice. And we're in the hotel room, getting ready, and I was minding my business, watching football. And I look over. and April's doing push-ups. What for?

She's getting a party pump. I'll show you. Yes! I'm going to show you. I was like, what are you doing? She was like, well, nothing. How many can she do? Bro, I'm going to tell you.

I'm going to show you. Getting in a pump, eh? Damn. Holy shit. I don't know if I should be watching this. Boots and all. Do you know what? I think credit where credit is

Oh yeah, 100,000. It is amazing. But she wore a jacket the whole time. What a waste. I know. Were you on court being like, take the jacket off? Take it off, April. She's like, what?

There's a lot of arms out because it was basketball. I was like, babe, get your arms out. Good on her. As a mum of two kids, she is in phenomenal shape, and I mean that in a respectful manner. I appreciate that. It reminded me of like, Georgie Shaw, you know, like, Jim Tan Laundry. Yes. And he was just like, Jim, tan, laundry, beers.

Cabs are here Anyway, just thought I would just fill you in on that Wow Can I ask you a serious question? Sure. When you look over and you see your wife, your soulmate, the mother of your children, just pushing out those push-ups like they're nothing.

The answer is yes. Nice. Nice. All right. All right. What's the question? You don't need to know. It's are you turned on?

Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm like, can you carry me there? Can you carry me? Can you carry me? Can you in any way feel, is the word emasculated? Yeah. No.

Carry me. Okay. If she ends up becoming stronger than you, like if you go to the gym together. She already is. Okay, cool. She's, this morning, she does love a humble brag. My wife, hence the push-ups. She walked in this morning, she was like, doing RDLs.

What are that? Romani deadlifts. Romantic deadlift. Thank you. Thank you. Did you set that up? Yeah. Do you like that?

Oh, you've got me. I'm really good. Anyway, she's like, I can RDL more than all the boys at her gym. I was like, wow, that is fucking crazy. So she's already strong with me. Like, no fucking doubt. Wow. I know.

She's got like the hip thrust from hip thrust in the bottom. Good on her, bro. I love it. Good on her. I'm like, how was the rest? Do you want some testosterone? How was the rest of the trip? Just the two of you in a hotel room?

It was good. Actually, you know, like especially sober. We walked the botanical gardens. We went to a museum. What do you do? Hang on a second. What are you, no offense, doing in a museum? Just being a pest, mainly.

Did you, like, what were you looking at? Any, like, artifacts take you fancy? There was a bunch of chairs in the museum, and I had two jokes that didn't go over very well. The first one was, when we got to the first chair, I said, this is the first original boyfriend chair, the chair that's at the front of the change rooms. This is the first one, and they model all the rest of them. To people or to April? Just to whoever will listen.

That's the sort of guy I am. And then there was a group of chairs and I said, this is the Museum of Cuck Chairs. Very good. Also not very good. It's good material. I feel like Cuck chairs are very niche. Yes, everyone was a little bit confused. For anyone who doesn't know what a Cuck chair is.

All the Japanese tourists were very confused. Do you know what a Cuck chair is, Vic? Not specifically. Go on. I know it is some sort of sexual chair. Oh, how? Oh, this is a... Get your mind.

This is a family-friendly show. Out of the gutter, Victoria. Yeah, it's a jerk-off chair, okay? It's different. It's where if you're into watching your partner have sex with another person, you then watch via a cuck chair in the room. Oh. So it is sexual.

It is very sexual. It is, yeah, yeah. Anyway, did museum, played a bit of basketball, had a couple of sleep-ins, a couple of midday nap? So good. Lovely. It was good to get away with just April and no kids and not spend the whole time hungover.

Oh. It was good. Now that you're not drinking, how does that affect April? Does she still have some drinks or does she stay sober? I think the sobriety is my thing. So I don't like to push it on anyone unless they ask me about it. And April is not a very big drinker anyway, but she'll have a couple, which she did over the course of the weekend. But, yeah, I don't have any.

And like, when I went to Japan with Matt Veach, he was like, oh, we'll just stay away from. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Because I don't want to. I learned early on, Andy Cook said to me he was like, when he went sober, his brother pulled him aside and said, hey, this is, I'm so proud of you, but don't make it everyone else's problem. And which is so true, because I'm happy to help people out,

but I'm not going to sit there and preach about. Don't drink. You can have 50 beers in front of me. At the moment, like, I'm not tempted. They're going, what fuck are you doing, you pathetic loser? Yeah, yeah. I'm like, you're going to die. No, but I think she...

She's too busy doing push-ups. Yeah, that's too. I just put a drink under her with a straw. She's like, she's, she's, um, I think she would much prefer me not to drink, so I don't have any rules around it. Matt, you're here too. What have you got for me?

This will not surprise you, Ash, but maybe surprise the listeners. Sadly, Buster is very old. I know. Very old. He's keeping the family together. He is, and we love Buster. He's the glue. He is the super glue of the family.

It's such a patient dog. He's put up with all three kids, and they poke and they prod. And he's also, sometimes it's a. annoying when poppy's having his sleep, but anyone who like touches the front door handle, he's like, and you're like, fucking shut up because you wait the baby, but he is such a great little guard dog. Little, wrong word. He's 40 kilos.

Yeah, three-legged 40 kilo dog. He's not little. And he used to be really great. Like, you take him for a poo in the morning. And if, for whatever reason, he missed that walk or he didn't do a poo in the morning, if he needed to go in the afternoon, he'd be like, hey, I need to go for a poo. He'd just come up in like, like, very good. He just like tapped him in the leg and he'd be like,

a little like nod and you're like, need to go for a poo, great. And you're like, hold it. No, I would, I would never restrict that level of enjoyment for anyone. Well said. Thank you. But recently, given that he's now 12 years old, I don't know what that is in dog years, like 90, but he's having trouble controlling his bowel movement. It's 84.

Is it really? Yeah. God, he's good. So the other morning, wake up. I got pop in my arms and she's a little like, a little mat with some toys in the living room that's next to Buster's bed. Oh, I know, it's a little soft time. Yes, yes.

A little soft family in the ones. So I put Poppy there. She likes a couple of toys that she plays, but she loves it. Loves to play with the toys. So do that. I then start making breakfast for Mali and Lola. And then Laura comes down the stairs. I want to say like a minute later.

And she goes, oh my God. And I'm like, all right. I know I don't often make the kids breakfast, but I'm doing it for once. That was good. Mums are going to love that. Exhibit A. I'm just like, why don't get the joke. But moms are like,

some of your best care, boys. Thank you. Move over, Ashins and you guys. And I'm like, what? I'm so much, shut out, this guy. We've had it on before. We've had it on before. This guy's making breakfast.

Bar is low. And I'm like, what's wrong? And she goes, Poppy, she runs over, grabs Poppy. She's got dog shit in her hands. Like, she's just picked it up. And as children do, they're so inquisitive, textures. It's not in her mouth. And no, thankfully, thank you.

It had just, it had just happened. Like, you know, that would be, like, straight to hospital. Gosh, could you imagine. And Buster, just the motion of getting up. And taking a step, nuggets coming out the back end of them. And as he's, because he also,

he kind of knows, like he's a little bit embarrassed. And he's, as he's like, oh my God, it's happening. As he like takes steps to run away and hide in the corner.

Just, he's leaving a trail. We can find you. There's a trail shit. Literally. And poor guy. I'm like, Buster.

And he's so embarrassed. He's ashamed of him. So he's shaking. It's funny. Like dogs, when they're younger and they poop in the house, there's a bit of smugness about it.

But when they're older, it's like, it's an accident. I swear. It's like when Nana farts. Yeah, like, she's like, I'm just going to say nothing because I'll be embarrassed and it slipped out. I had no control.

Imagine having no control of that. I know. And he's like so full. And Laura's like, don't get angry at him, but I'm like, fuck, I got. It's dangerous, yeah. Yeah, it's dangerous. Poppies there, got pulling her hands. And then there's like pulling the carpet.

Oh, we can laugh about it now. And we can laugh about it now. I feel like there's always shit ever at your house. Sorry. So anyway, we put him down. Anyway, then he starts coming. Why not? Why not?

You've gone this far, master. Just let it all out. And he's like, I can't help it. I can't help it. I'm poop, shit and coming all the same time. Are you going to have to put him in a nappy? A dog nappy? Please put him in a nappy.

Can you get... Is that what they do? Yeah, because I think, like, genuinely, if he's getting old, like they can't keep it in anymore. So you're going to end up having pool all over the house all the time. So, you know, can't do that for puppy. I know, it's like, we're finally out of the nappy stage and the dog starts a shit.

I got, yeah, yeah, fuck. Yeah, well, look, big dog, big poos. Massive. It's the, do you know, like, so my dog, little dog, cat dog, little poos, right?

That's how science works. Anyways, Is this name is Squidgey? Squiggy. The other day, Iggy, the other day he comes over and goes, what's this song's over again?

It's a squidgy, is it? Oh, really cut. Pretty cut, squidgy's looking at him going on. It's Iggy, you fuck with. Anyway. obviously she has to go out in the morning. April usually takes her out of the morning because Abel was up at the gym

and the ass crackerack of dawn. Not even dawn. It's dark. She's going to the gym in the dark. You're going to bed and she's like, I'm off a gym. Yeah, I'm finishing racing. I've just done an endurance race on my simulator. She's just like, I'm off to the gym. Anyway, so I took the dog out the other morning

really early, the ass crack of dawn. I was just awake. So I just went and I did it. And I went to pick up the poo with a bag, hole in the bag. Five 30 in the morning. thing you fucking want. Literally ruined my day.

It's not even daytime yet. My day's ruined. So I would hate to have to pick up any big poos like that. Thank you. And then if you go into nappies with that. Oh. I can just picture you rolling him over and like over him and like getting a wipe out. Him getting a big red rocket.

Oh, come on. Yeah. Thank God he doesn't have balls. He'd have shit all over him. Matt, how smart do you think you are as a parent? Ooh, I don't care. We have a new segment. Yeah, got him.

I have a new segment. Okay, it is thanks to Audi. Shop Smarter with Audi. Good, different. And we ask people to send in their parenting hacks, if you will, or when have you been a smart parent? You come up with something and you're going, God damn, I'm smart.

Genius. Genius. Okay, so we're going to read some of them out. Please. And thank you for everyone who wrote in. I'm going to start with Paige. At dinner, we say Fiona made this, not mummy. Fiona is the chef's name at daycare

because I eat everything at daycare So it took me a second I was up Yeah Because I eat everything at daycare I also have My book is about this That's coming out this year

So we'll talk about that later on Little teaser from Ash Well done Yeah Well done Marketing 101 Yeah nailed it I am also

Name Page And I also wrote that in No I didn't What name is this This is a great name McIla That's how it's spelled It's in capitals

What do you want me to say The whole thing's capital. Macaela! The name is spelled M-A-K-A-Y-L-A-H. Maca-A-L-A-H. Maca-A-L-A-L-A! Oh, wow, that's a bit. Sorry, Michaela.

What Michaela? McA-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-A. If you have a unique name, please don't be scared to send us in a message. Yeah. Why do we always get the people, they're doing it on purpose? They're trolling us now because they know I can't pronounce it, so I'm just going to say something dumb like, like, Maca! Where are all the Sams and Dave's and Tim's.

Well, there's Sam. Sam E. Come on. This is from Michaela. Poor Dota. Sorry, Michaela. We respect and love all Dota's, regardless of the name and spelling. If you get that sort of treatment on your name, that means we really love you. We love you. Consider it a warm hug.

An embrace. I made spaghetti bolognese for dinner the other week, and I covered the dining table with a plastic tablecloth. Well, dinner was served on said tablecloth, and my kids ate so much food more than they would from a plate. They are asking to do it more often. Winning also means I'm winning in the kitchen because of the clean-up department. I've seen videos of this behaviour. I've always been a sceptic.

Yeah. I've looked at it and I thought, surely that's just, like you want to have the mess contained to a plate. Yeah, where do we go to next? Right? Because I feel like now we're outgrowing a plate. We're going to outgrow the table at some point.

Just serving the four. We're just got to fucking pull the spaghetti out in the backyard. The kids are, quick. Die in see how much you can eat. Right. Someone's going to drown. Michaela actually sent in photos of this. Oh my God.

I asked for photos and I didn't think she'd send them. Good on you, Michaela. So basically at the end, you like pack up the tablecloth like a bag and then just chuck it all in the bin. Can I ask? No washing. What if you want to keep your leftovers, you put it in the fridge like that? Why is there a fucking tablecloth in your fridge? Is there a dead body in this fridge?

Because you know in Indian culture, they eat with their hands? They don't have cutlery. Is that how? I want to see this photo because I'm not sure if the kids are eating with their hands or with cutlery. No, one of them has a fork. I love there's one kid in there just given. Just given the classic light. Oh my gosh.

I'm concerned for that one kid giving bang signals straight up. He's only young. And bit of who is it game in the corner as well. I love that from Kmart. I love that you guys always look at the like periphery things of a photo. I want to know what they're watching. Undies on the couch as well. What's that show?

Oh, it's Baby Shark. I love the baby pictures. Michaela. Eli, Jay and Harry. You have an amazing mum and you're a lucky bunch of kids. Oh. Well done, Michaela. I've got to make up and make one.

This one's from Sammy. Sometimes when my kids are beyond tired, I'll put one of their favourite shows on, but in a different language. Love that. And tell them that their brains are so tired that it can't understand English anymore and they need to sleep to charge the brain battery again.

That is elite. I had to stop Macy from, watching the Chinese version, or the Mandarin version of Bluey. She was getting to be racist. And I was like, stop it. What do you mean? I don't know. I felt like, I don't know.

She's learning Mandarin. She's like, nihow. Yeah, I was like, she was laughing at it. And I was like, no, just didn't feel right. You're like, you're taking away her learning a second language. I don't want to think another language sounds funny because it's someone's native tongue. I think that's very mature of me. Ash being considerate, what?

Yeah. That's something's not. Then we had honey chicken for dinner. It was lovely. This one is from Leah. Hi, Leah. Hold it in. People are going to be...

Every submission from now one is just going to be anonymous. So, Leah says, Bath crayons and four walls tiled floor to ceiling. They feel like they're being naughty drawing all over the walls, but it just washes off. When I need an hour to get shit done, I pull out the bath crayons and they go to town in the bath.

That is fucking genius. That is gene-y-y-us. Wow. I have a question about that, though, because what if they get crayon on the grout? Here we go. Yeah, it's a very valid question, Vic, and I'm glad you asked that. That is a concern because cleaning grout sucks. Yeah, look, if it's a new bathroom, you wouldn't know.

But if it was like, look, we... It's brown anyway. If you've been harbored onto your husband about getting the grout cleaned, that's another good excuse to be like, the kids are drawn all over it! True. I think, like, but, like, the grout in bathrooms designed to not let, moisture in anyway, so you could probably get it out. I've never heard of a bath crayon.

Yeah, they're great. Because then the kids feel like they're doing something naughty because they're drawing in the bath and it just washes off. Wow. You don't want them to branch out though into the... Well, that's it. That's it. You know, do they...

Our kids have been drawing with actual crayons all over our furniture. Oh, the permanent markers seem to fan their way into the kids' textures. Literally in the pencil case, I look over and the kids have got Sharpies and I'm like, how the fuck did you get them? And they're like, they're in the pencil case. We've got a rogue, sharpy fucking assassin coming in and, like, planting them. Yeah, Macy drew something yesterday to give it to me. I was like, oh, that's amazing.

But I couldn't get past the fact it was permanent mark. And I was like, but. And she was like, but what? I was like, it's beautiful, but. Permanent marker. I have something. Do you have one, Matt? Is that we saying?

I have something. You are a smart parent. When I discovered this product, I was like, oh my gosh, wait until the parents of this country, if not world, hear about this news. I thought it was groundbreaking. Before you say it, Vic, what are the chances that everyone else is already using this? 100%.

Okay, all right. Go on. I've already spoken about this on socials, and everybody was like, how fucking dumb are you? Is this Omo related? Not at all. Is this bus shelter related?

I was like, guys, it's a thing called dummies. Whoa! Bye, I'll share what it is. What do you got? So, a little while ago, Poppy is teething, and as they teed, that increased level of saliva actually stuffs up there in like intestines.

Yeah, they get real mucusy too, don't know. Real mucusy and their poo becomes like acidic. So Poppy all of a sudden, I woke up, changed her nap, and I was like, oh my gosh, her poor bottom was red raw. Oh, yeah. And I was using everything. And then I was like, nothing was working. So I went to the cupboard and I found a product that I used.

And instantly, right, same day I saw results. Oh, yeah. Do you know what it was? On your daughter's bum. Oh, that's pretty. Panthon. For Panthers. I use that for tattoos.

What is this mystical product? We have that and it's the only thing that works on Lily. And I was like... It's great for Exma too. And you've used that on tattoos, haven't you? Yeah, yeah. Yes, I remember. But it's too expensive.

But I was like, I was like, people need to know about this. And I was like, everyone, hey, the Panthen is so... And everyone's like, we're going to just stop you right there. You got three fucking kids. How are you only now on your third child? That's valid. Why, how are you only... Because I don't know, what I don't know.

Ash. Yeah, okay. Also, every child's different. Like, we didn't use it on Louie and now we've had to get it for Lily. That's true. And I think if there's anyone out there who maybe is done as a baby on it. Yeah. Also, can I just say as well?

Good for lip balm. It is as well. You know, that was on your baby's butt hole. Yeah. I didn't put that. Yeah, but your finger. But it's antiseptic, isn't it? I don't know.

I'm confused. I was not been putting a baby bomb cream anywhere near my lips. Is that what that smell is? It's made by Bayer. Fun fact. My dad used to work for Bayer. Okay. And Bayer have their own town in Europe, funded by Bayer, Bayer Munich, funded by a pharmaceutical company.

There you go. Fun fact for everybody. I could have made that up. I don't know. Probably cut it out. Damn it. But it says nappy rash, Matt. Not lip dry.

No, people are like, here's, maybe they're fucking with me. I hope so. I've been putting on my lips a week. It's as soft as a baby's bottom. But thank you to. Audi for that delicious segment, which is just making everyone a little bit smarter. Yes. Shop smarter when you shop at Audi. Audi, good, different.

Hey, Ash, you know, we spoke about the fact that we gave people a big, like, talking to you going, just so you know that Dota Dilemmas are now being taken out of a Wednesday episode because it's going to be in the new Monday episode. They're back. And then we did our first, was that our first Monday episode, Vic? No, it was our second one. And then we ended up talking about your sobriety again. Whoops.

No, that was a great episode, by the way. No dilemmas were talked about where we promised it. So we're going to do it now. I know, we are going to squeeze in a doding dilemma. And I just, I mean it when I was a great chat. Thank you. By the way. Thank you.

Now you need us more than ever. Know that we still have each other. You can send us your dotting dilemma. You can send us your dotting dilemma. So this one was posted in the Facebook group and I thought it was a great topic to unpack on the podcast. A lot of people, Vic, were saying. A lot of people. A lot of people were like, you got to talk about it on the podcast.

You got to talk about it. It's beautiful. The question is, my husband and I may have the opportunity to go on a 10-day trip to South Africa in a couple of months, but it'll be kid-free. I've got an 11-month-old and a 3-year-old and haven't been away from my youngest for more than four hours and my eldest for more than one night. Honestly, the only thing stopping me from going is the guilt of leaving them home. How does everyone navigate this?

this. Ash, I saw your answer to this question, but for people who may not have seen it, what did you say? Oh, I said do it. They had family that could babysit it and have put their, voluntarily put their hands up. You take that, you take that opportunity because it's not going to come around all the time. Do you think, though, and Vic as well, do you think only having ever spent four hours away from your child to then jump into the deep end of doing 10, 11 days away from your child. Just think about the potential anxiety. You are asking the wrong guy.

That's why I said Vic, jump on this one. Vic. I actually have anxiety just thinking about it actually. What's the longest you've ever been away from your kids? From Lily, because she did say her youngest. I've only spent one night. Oh, sorry, two nights when we moved, but they were with mum and dad. But one night mostly since she was born.

And that even took a while. Like she's now three. when she was 11 months, I'd never spent any time away from her. And to then leave her, knowing that she doesn't like to not have me around. And for 10 days. It's a lot. Oh, it's so hard. But also, I know how enriching those 10 days would be to the parents.

And as Jen always says, and every parenting expert says, you can't parent from an empty cup. It would feel your cup. It would be good for your relationship. And your kids will forget it. But it's just that, like, initial, like, But don't you think a big factor here that we don't know about is what are the grandparents like and how much time do they spend with the kids?

Because some grandparents are amazing and they're so hands on and they know the kids really well. They have a great relationship. They know how to parent the kids. And so to leave them alone with you completely removed in another country, it could be easy for the grandparents or you could be fielding phone calls being like, oh, they run out of formula and where the hell are nappies. Yeah, it's so easy for that generation.

I could do it, but it's like, no, you're fucking coming. barely raise me. Like, you know, like my parents, pre-dad's heart attack, I would be like, no, post-dad's heart attack, because I had to end up in Sydney for so long and spending so much time with them, absolutely, yes. Like, I'm like, yeah, because they've, they have learnt their routine. April literally gives them a folder, like it's a Airbnb. Oh, my gosh. I want to see that. I'll get it out. I'll get it out next time. But it's, next time we go away, which is going to be often. No. But like, in your train, trip that you just took in Melbourne.

Two days. Who had the kids? No idea. Popper. Who picks them up from school like twice or three times? Did you feel any level of anxiety at all? No. No.

And like April, when we went away last year was the first time that we went away without the kids together for more than one night. Yeah, they went to Bali, Vegas. Yeah, a couple times last year. I think it was good for us and the kids because it ripped that band-aid off early for everyone. Don't you think it would be, like, I just feel like if you've never done a night away, I just think it costs so much money to travel overseas.

And I also think it would suck so much to do that, to spend that amount of money and get there and be like, I'm not enjoying this because I just can't stop worrying. Can you not test the waters? Honestly, I'm for testing the waters. I agree. I understand, but it's going to come down to circumstances, right? It's going to come down to, if you're like, my parents live across the road, they're there all the time.

And you're like, okay, well, other than the fact that if I can get over the fact that this is the first time I'm away from them, the time is not going to make a difference. I think you're going to FaceTime them every day anyway. You're going to get updates. You're going to be looking at photo. Give you a really good chance to maybe take a step back as well. Who am I? I don't know. But like take a step back and go, okay, great.

And you mentioned something before. It's so good for your relationship. Like, look at that movie. This is 40. That's what I felt like on the weekend. Then we get home and the kids just push the buttons. You're like, all of a sudden you find this reconnection of why you're with that person and why you ended up and why you ended up here having the kids that you have

and the kids that you love so much and that you're worried about escaping from. But I think you're right, 10 days might be a bit like whack bang, but we don't know the circumstances. But yeah, also, if you have to like pull the trigger and lock it in, just do like one night. Just do one night. There must be a reason it's 10 days, okay? There must be something that it's like, okay, it's a 10 day something that they really want to do. And is it a bucket list item and you got the opportunity to do it? Fucking do it.

It'll be a wedding or something like that. Do it. Grab hold of it and have the opportunity. You can always come home. I know it's a big expense, but like at the same time, I'm all for like, don't. If an opportunity is there and if you're thinking about it already like, okay, well, it is important enough to ask the question. Then it's obviously something that's important to you to grab hold of. And she says here, the only thing stopping me from going is the guilt of leaving them a home.

One thing my therapist said a long time ago before when Louis was little and I was contemplating leaving Louis with mom and dad during the day because I felt guilty about it going back to work. And she said one of the best things you can do for your kids is to have them know that there's someone else in the world that can take care of them. Because if they think that their parents are the only people in the whole world that can take care of them, kids get anxiety because if anything ever happens or if you go away, their whole world shatters and they're like, who the fuck's going to take care of me? So this is actually helping your kids grow a bit of resilience, even though she's only 11 months. It's actually, yeah, that is a good thing. Yeah, because it's like even for my kids, it's like whenever they've got a problem, who do they ask mum? And I've said to Oscar, I'm like, you know, like you can ask nanny the same questions.

You know, because I would have asked my mom the same questions and now she's your nan. So why not? And I think pre my dad's heart attack, which was a blessing in disguise, really, not for him, poor guy. I'm sure he feels the same way And I think honestly for him He would deep down think The relationship he's built with Oscar Post heart attack

Post heart attack because he was trapped here Couldn't fly or anything I think he's so happy that that happened Because he got to spend that So he would only come down He hates Sydney We need more heart attacks That's what I've always said

More cholesterol My only counter argument Would be if there's grandparents Who are very bad at holding the boundaries That you set for your children and then you come back after the 10 days. And, like, they're sitting there with a cigarette. And you're like, what hell's Bobby got a cigarette?

Ah, because it kept him quiet. Yeah, but you fix him and then I'll take him back. They're like high on sugar and like addicted to TV. But I stand by the opportunity thing. If the opportunity is there and it's not going to be there again and you're going to regret not going, fucking buckle up and go. Obviously different circumstances because I had no access to any communication at all. But I was in South Africa.

I waited for my kids for a period of time. And I think it was day three. And again, you know, I'm not having. a great time on holiday in a resort going on Safari. I was literally there in a camp on I'm a celebrity getting me out of here. And on day three, I was like walking around by myself, doing some chores. It wasn't saying a lot. I was struggling a little bit. And one of the producers in the interview was like, how are you doing today? And I was like, ah ha ha ha ha ha. You miss your kids. I just want to just touch the talk to them. And he's like, snap out of it. Snap out of it. They're fine. I spoke to them before.

No, but I get it. I get the feeling like the first time is the hardest, but I think give the opportunity a chance. How did you feel being away from your kids and actually not even being able to have any contact with them? There's a video of it. Awful. And also, it's hard because when you're on, I'm a celebrity,

you have absolutely nothing to keep you occupied. So the days, the minutes, the hours, they are so, so long. And it feels like to have zero contact is you'll never have a situation where you have those circumstances. It's brutal. I was just like, it hurt to miss them so much. But it was great afterwards.

Like it's like, when you finally see them, you're like, oh yeah. I do have you. I do owned you. Yeah, yeah. Because I used to go, like, when I would travel for work a lot, I would just pace the hotel room because I was like, what do I do now with myself? Because you're so used to being like, what are you doing?

Stop it. What are you doing? Every three minutes. I know. Exactly right. Good callback. And on that note, if you've enjoyed this episode, please.

No, I think that's a good ending. But also know that Dota Dilemas, Mondays. Mondays, that's the plan. It's a bit loose. All plans are loose here at Two Doting Dads. Very loose.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I know. But yeah, so continue. If you've enjoyed this episode, please subscribe for Matt's sake. God, rings me every day about these subscriptions.

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Hey, just a little note as well. We have a great episode coming out on Monday. It is with coaching by Tim. He does such great work to raise young men with healthy masculinity. And we definitely need that in this world. So tune in. Leave a review, subscribe. You've already, you know.

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Please. And a random. Just share it with a stranger. And shout out to all the dads out there, pissing with erections. Thank you. From a distance. Two Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders, past and present. and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.