Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #231 Parenting Hacks & Horrors - Two Doting Dads

Episode Date: June 2, 2026

This week, we're laying all our worst habits on the table. From snoring to bath-time dinners and a comment that quickly veered into dangerous territory, the boys aren't exactly covering themselves in glory.  Add in a stressful studio fit-out and a few petty squabbles and things are getting a little tense. Meanwhile, Nanna's battling a mountain of washing thanks to the endless rain, while Ash puts his secret first-aid skills to the test after Macy takes a tumble. Plus, one of the smartest breakfast parenting hacks we've heard in ages. Consider yourself a smart shopper? Take the ALDI IQ Test today at www.IQ.ALDI.com.au and find out if you’re a true grocery genius... or not. ALDI. Good different. If you want a tradie recommendation or to make one of your own head to www.hernextvillage.com.au or to get in touch with Dan head to https://www.instagram.com/pierce.projects/  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm anti-umbrella. Me too. It's been a bit rainy. This is the problem I've got, okay? There's too many people who are pro-umbrella. They go out, umbrella up the street. It's a hazard for your eyes. Especially when it's a CBD or something like that.

If you're just walking the dog along the street and there's no one else around, fine. No eyes are getting poked out. When I was in Japan and I'm going to be honestly, I'm huge in Japan, tall-wise. And it was raining a lot and they love a good umbrella. Mate, I had to walk around with safety. P-P-E. I had my P-P-E on. Also, it's such an ick as well when the umbrella goes, like, the upside-down way where it's too windy and you're like, you're wrestling with an umbrella. I'm like, I don't want that. I know. I just think they're stupid. I agree. Welcome back to two-goating dads. I'm Maddie J. I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And one thing we will never do, not even if our life depended on it, is give advice. Here's some advice. Don't take your umbrella out of your suburb. I did when I parked the car, the second I got out of the car, I shut the door, locked the car, started raining pretty heavy.

Here's a question for you? Please. If it's raining, do you run or do you walk? I ran. Do you think you get more wet if you run? No, I think that's, I know scientists have done experiments to say that it doesn't make, make so difference, but I might be more time in the rain equals more wet. Sure. Yeah, but if you're running, the rain hits you faster.

No, those scientists are idiots. But then the hard thing was, I had a satchel. How do you run with the satchel? Do you like put it over the shoulder or do you run with it? What are you Indiana Jones? What do you mean? How does satchel? Like when you're running, when I was galloping.

Yeah, you chuck it over the shoulder. I had it in front. Or you could hold it above you like an umbrella. That's an ear. Your laptop will say it. That's disgusting. The weather right now, it's causing a lot of stress in a household. Why?

Right, nana. And for those of you who do not know, my beautiful mum slash nana, to the kids, she lives with us. I keep forgetting how long it's been. Two years, Ash? Shut up. Two years. So, mum retired as a teacher and I was like, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, before you get too comfortable,

get back to work. Get back to the laundry. Here's the laundry schedule. It's in the same room as the bathroom and where the cat shits. Enjoy. So she wanted to spend more time with the kids and I needed some help around the house. It was a perfect situation. Could she come to do my laundry?

It'll cost you. Although April does love doing a low laundry. She just finds things. Yeah, I wouldn't want Nana to get in the way of April. I caught her dirty in clothes on purpose so she can wash them. What? This is a rascal. I want April at my house.

I want Nana at mine. Swapsies? Nana is freaking the fuck out right now. It's just rain Nana. Because one of the biggest jobs, it's on her to-do list every day is to like work through the washing. I don't make her do this. Yes, you do. I don't.

No, I'm honestly like, I try and get to the washing and then by the time I get there, she's already put a load on. And I'm like, oh, fuck. Anna, she's quick. She's good. Well, she doesn't want to get yelled at by you, so. No. If the laundry basket's more than half full, I'm like, come here!

Nanda! You're fucking slacking. You'll have to do it by hand. She wakes up at like 4 in the morning at the moment. That's just her age. That's exactly. And so, by the time I wake up, she's on the do the chores. But the issue is, nothing is drying, Ash.

And so Nanna was like pacing up and down. And I was like, Madda, what's wrong? Drier. It's okay. What's wrong? We can talk through this. and she was like, we need to put a stop to the washing. No more washing from this moment on.

And I was like, of course, like, sure. We can wear the same thing every day. We can do that. And then Poppy did a Poonami, fucking all through a onesie, like everywhere. So I want to watch that. It was a nice outfit. Was. And then I put the washing machine on and Nana was like,

what the fuck is this? What's happened? This is a no wash zone. Why is? Who did that? And I was like, Nana. She did a poo. Okay.

So I'm just watching that on. it so and I can put that in the dryer and she was like, freaking out. Like the laundry line's already fallen, nothing's dry, it's too wet, there's so much moisture in the day. I can't picture her just glipping out. Fuck it out. Do you not, do you have ceiling fans at your place?

Can't remember. No ceiling fans. Actually no, sorry, I lied to you just then. Yeah? We have two upstairs, my room and- Get a little clothes horse and put them under the ceiling fan. I don't want the clothes inside, I don't want that. Nah.

The clothes aren't allowed inside unless they're being worn or in a nice drawer. If we do that, then it'll never leave. It'll, you know, once it's inside, I can't deal with that. You think it's an outing for the clothes to be outside. You're like, look at them out there and enjoy themselves. We have like that little overhang at the living room. It's undercover.

It's fine. It's a minefield. I'm worried about it. I left home and like, are you going to be okay? Rocking herself. And she's just like, so much washing, so little time, so much moisture. She can just move out. I've said that.

It pains me to say this. No, it doesn't. Go on. But I'll be. the bigger man. I've always been very gracious in victory. When? And gracious in defeat also. I think it's important to... You and neither of those things. Well, rounded. You're like Oscar.

Thank you. Just so competitive. If your team knew how to tackle properly, you wouldn't be in this mess. Okay, we are, of course, talking about state of origin, game one, I don't know if I was lost. No, we won. Oh, yeah, sorry. Were you there? Even subconsciously, I'm like, they suck.

I think if Ponga doesn't go off, we don't. Well, I just want to say, look, congratulations. Thank you. And also congratulations to Tash, who won the competition. They were lovely, weren't they? Were they just adorable? That's the perfect guests. Although, although I did say, I was like,

Tash, how long have you been listening to the podcast? And she was like, ages. Oh, I love it. Every episode. Oh, I can't get enough. She knows what it's saying. And then the hubby was like, yeah, I don't think she's listened. She just enters competitions online.

Oh, yeah. She's a serial competition. But we can't screen that stuff. Hopefully we've gained two new listeners. Three new listeners. She brought the brother. Ash, I think it's important that the Queensland fans who may be listening, they hear my cry.

Yes. We must migrate to Melbourne for game two, show up in force. A lot of Melbourneites, I call them, are Queensland fans because of the big three that were played for Melbourne on the weekend, but then there happened to be Queenslanders. So if you are in Melbourne and you want to see a spectacle of a game, stuff that AFL stuff, go to State of Origin. Yeah, we'll put the link in the show notes, but follow me, follow me.

I want to go. We must reunite. Yeah, I want to go as well. We can't both go. Okay, we'll figure out who gets tickets later on. Anyway, what else is new? Matt, studio, looking good. Paints on.

Paint is on? I spent tireless hours last week. You did. Credit to Ash. And I don't know if people know this, but you were once, a painter. I was. A professional painter.

Yeah, professionals. And Vic, painting in front of Ash, he was like, don't touch that. Yeah, I'm a... I'm a control freak. That's pressure. I was like, this is good to be fun. Ash was just whipping me smoking a cigarette. He spent most of the time on the phone.

I took a couple of phone calls. He took a scheduled call and then I reckon he set his alarm. And he was like, oh, surprise, another phone call. Oh, this is so inconvenient. I just quickly take it. And I was like, okay. And by the time he'd taken that phone call and come back, I had finished. The place was packed up.

It was all like, I should clean the brushes. He's like, should I roll that wall? I'm like, done it. Should I roll that wall? Done it. What about cut? I've done it, mate. You've been on the phone for hours.

Sorry. Hey, I'm doing business deals for this podcast. Was it? No, it was for myself. The domain. It was for the house. I'm just slaving away. So, whatever.

You may have watched a couple of videos that we put on socials. I was editing last night. And I was going through the footage, beautiful footage. Beautiful. Dan, your beautiful husband. Beautiful. Great, great man, great man. Technically not my husband.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry. We should make that happen. Actually, we didn't fucking talk to Dan about that. We should make that happen. Can we marry you? Podcast wedding? Shut up and write it down.

Just joking. Quick question. Do you want to get married? Mm-hmm. Okay. You hear that, Dan? Dan said I've got to wait nine years. Fair.

What for? Ten-year engagement, apparently. Where are we at? I think we're probably about eight. Oh, almost there. Close. We'll get there. But there's the type of way of talking when you're on site.

And not talking about me. I'm talking about Dan and I'm talking about ass. Oh, shut up. Totally. I've heard it too. Can I just play you a little video? And this is, I was editing it and I was just like, wow, there's one thing that it just keeps coming up. Like certain terminology.

It's hard to pick, but let me just play you a little video. There's a difference with H2 and H3. So what's this? Two one. Two one. Yeah, that's nice. Ceiling, which is two seven and then these two are two one. And I was like, gee that's 300.

Two seven. Two seven. Yeah, got a bit of flex in it, you know, there's three sixes. What's that now? Is that three minutes? Three two. Three two, two. Five fours.

Ten. Ten. Two one. Ten. Ten. Five hundred. Four inches. Eighteen from the ceiling.

Two hundred apart. All right. Two fours. Number two. I was trying to impress Dan, okay? Did it work? Does he talk about me now? Yeah. He's obsessed with both of you actually. Me more though, right?

A lot of numbers in there. A lot of numbers. I'm a numbers guy. Yeah. Do you understand any of that? You missed the bit where I said they measure timber in lots of three. Remember is it that? Maybe we didn't have it on record, but that was a fucking classic line. I went through three hours of footage.

You didn't have to paint the place, though. It's very good, it's very good. You know, sometimes you've got to step back into the trady life, you know. Is that what it was like on site when you were a painter? No, it was more like in the timber yard that one. Because when you're in the timber yard, obviously, you're selling timber all day and you're talking timber all day. Two fours, two threes. Yeah, yeah.

Someone would be like, what's this? And then I've got a piece of wood in the classic line. It's tree wood. That usually gets them. Oh, fucking hell. That usually gets them. The other one is mills. How many mills?

Everything's mills. Well, inches is very old school where people are going, Yeah, man, I just need a couple of four but twos. That's 90 for 45. The inches threw me. When Ash started talking inches, I was like, what are we doing? What's that? What's an inch?

What? What's an inch? What? What? I couldn't keep up. We changed up. It was like, Ash and Dan walking like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mills, inches.

And I was like, where are we? I'm here too, guys. Let me be a part of your world. I was like, shut up. I've got four liters. No, like, is he still here? Take a fucking phone call. Anybody hungry?

But the studio is. It's close. It's close, guys. And Dan did a really, really, really good job on the walls, by the way. Did a great job. Also, so good, in fact, I stole him. Yeah, you fucker. So how's this, right?

Hang on a sec. Whoa, I've forgotten. I remember. I rang Matt, no answer. Ring Matt, no answer. Matt calls me back. I'm on the way to the studio to get the studio ready so that we can move in there and record. And I'm like, he calls me back.

I'm like, what are you doing? You're like, nothing? Suspicious. And then to Dan, I was like, Be quiet. Be quiet in the bag. Don't make a noise. He goes,

oh, just, uh, he was like three twos. I was like, fuck. He was like, dance here.

I was like, sorry what? He's like, you dance at my house. I said, I invited him over for a play date. Yeah. So instead of helping,

instead of helping me, he's at home, doing home rentos on his place and taking the help with him. And I charged it back to two-doney-guards. You passed! And I'm slaving away sweat. I even had April in there because I was like, I really need a hand, but Matt's busy.

I don't know where he is. Oh, April's going to fucking hate me. And then I told April, I said, guess where Matt was today? She's like, where? I was like, at home with Dan. She's like, Dan, who's that? I was like, Dan the, Dan the Chippy. My Dan.

My dad. Our Dan. And I was like, fuck what the hell? So I'm glad that your house is in living order. Can I just say it was the fence that fell down in the storm last year, the great storm of 2025. Yeah, but Rhonda's wall. Yeah, but Rhonda's dead.

I know. Now you've got a big backyard. So the fence was half fixed because the brick had snapped. And we were told one guy I was like, this is going to be, it's a big job this one, three days at least. We were quoted a lot of money. Dan did it in like three hours. I went to the toilet. It came back and it was done.

Just like when you were trying to help me. Oh, shut up. As your alarm goes off. I'll buy bye bye, sell, sell, sell. He was very good. Nana, big fan. Oh, you'd be careful about that. I would be very careful.

You lock him down. She was like, I need a little help with something in my bedroom, Dan. And he was like, oh, I've got to shoot off. And she was like, come back again next time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those who went to the layer of Nana, that don't come out. Yeah, I had a crevice joke in there somewhere, but I'm like, I'll leave it out. Probably for the best.

Probably for the best. I just want to say a big thanks to Dan for the work that he's done at the studio and also my backyard. I'm going to get it back for some more work. Great. He needs work. If he needs work, maybe he can come to the studio. Can I ask? I gave him a little...

I didn't want to be the social media guy. And when he's working, I was like, I'm just taking some photos. He'd, like, bend over and turn around. I'm like, do that again. Bind your lip. Find your bottom lip. Did he get any nibbles? He did.

He did. Yeah. He did. Yeah, he got lots of followers and a couple of inquiries. Inquiries? He's like, oh, fuck. Can I have got to quite up these shitty jobs? He's a real diva now.

No, he was very grateful. I've got to say I'm a little bit biased, but Dan is very very, very genuine builder. He's like, does what he says he's going to do. He always finishes on time, if not earlier. He charges the amount that it should be charged. He's a unicorn. Yeah, and I tell him he should be charging way more because...

Wait, whoa, whoa, wait a wait. After he does that, go hard. But I hear horror stories from my friends about dodgy builders, builders that harass people, builders who triple their quote because they see it's a female, Builders who are asking, like, where's your husband so I can talk to him about it? I also triple the quote because they're an influencer. And I'm like, what about us?

We're being hard done by as well. Totally. Yeah, and one of my friends told me this awful story recently, and she happens to be a web designer. And so she has created a website. It's a directory for builders. And women can go on there and recommend builders, trades, lawyers, brokers. Anything. Anything.

Podcasts? Because it's not really a service. Oh, what? Yes, this is a fucking service. How dare you? I'm providing a service, okay? Because it's so easy. I think builders and mechanics and like not to...

Here we go. Rural doctors. But it's so weird. Dentists. Because you can't question because you don't have the knowledge, right? So they can be like, oh, these two by fours are bloody expensive. And you're just like, oh, I guess they are. So you can be taken for a ride by someone who's dishonest.

Especially if you don't have the time to do your due diligence, which a lot of the time, busy mums don't. Yeah, but also like, you know, there's lots of single moms out there. And, you know, these people come into your home. You're in a very vulnerable situation. You want to know there's someone coming into your space that you can trust and who's not going to rip you off and who's going to finish on time and who's not going to treat you like crap. And it doesn't hurt if they're very handsome as well. You could turn it into a dating show. There's dating show vibes.

It's like, I need something fixed. Here's a bunch of eligible bachelor tradies. They come in. they put their price forward, they put the work forward to what they're going to do, and then she decides, and then instead of just doing the work, she hands them as like a spanner. And then they do, then they get down to doing the real work. On the work bench. On the work bench.

Oh, don't take the higher. Come down here with us. Come down. It's nice and wet and moist and warm. Okay. Too far. Let me in. And juicy.

What's the website called? So the website's called hernexvillage.com.com. She really wants women to go on there and actually put on recommendation. So it's not just for you to access the full directory. She wants people to get on there and start recommending other tradies. People who you would recommend to your friend, for example, that is someone who can be safe, reliable and courteous. What do you call it?

Crowdsourcing. Is that what you call it? Where it's like you suggest someone instead of it being like marketed, it's like word of mouth. Crowdsourced. Is that what it's called? Crowdsourcing? I would say crowdsourcing. It's a source from the crowd.

Yeah, that's what I mean. I guess so But I mean, everyone loves a recommendation, right? Mate, yeah. Also, recommend this podcast. That's all right. I had to. Yeah, good plug.

We should recommend Ash as a painter on there. No. Okay. Well, you'll find Dan on there. Oh, there you go. I'll do it with Dan. Two shirtless tradies. Okay, moving right along.

Speaking of laundry as well, Ash, when I was talking about Nana having a little freak out before, I did something which I haven't owned up to it yet to Laura or Nana. Oh, God. But I'll own up to it. it here to the Dota's and to you and Vic. Yeah, that's healthy. So Lola loves a little glass of milk after dinner. So does Maddie.

She's, yeah, Apple. Apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. So I poured her a glass. She's very clumsy. She's always falling over, always dropping things. I look over and she's like, oopsie, daisy, cups just. She's like, oops. Literally.

Milk is everywhere. And I'm like, I grab a teet towel, clean up with the milk. and I just instinctively put the tea towel into the laundry basket. And then two days later, Laura's got a very sensitive schnaz. Like a bloodhound. Oh, she's, yeah, she can, she's like, there's mold here. That's like my mom. It's weird.

And she was like, there's a smell. And she was like in the kitchen. She's like, it's around here. She's like something, I think Buster's done a poo maybe. She's like, I can't quite. She was trying to like go through. Anytime my mom does that around me, she's like, there's a smell. I always say, it's your top lip.

They usually shouts like right up. So Laura's like, there's a smell. And then we thought maybe Buster had done a shit somewhere because he's still shitting like every second day. He's getting old. And Buster's like, it wasn't me. And then Laura was sniffing around, went to the laundry, which is the bathroom in our household, for those wondering.

And she was like, it's in here. And she was like, where is it? Or the toilet is in there. Yeah, and I was like maybe, or the cat, the kitty litter's in there. So she was like maybe there's like a hidden shit somewhere. This is a multi-purpose room. Yeah, I sleep in there sometimes. Bathtub's real comfortable.

And everyone on the nana was in on the sniffing and we were like, what, like, what is, yeah, everyone is sniffing. The kids were like, what the fuck's going on? Can we play? Yeah. And I was like, oh, guys, I think it might have just been like, you know, like one of poppies, onesies that was a bit dirty. He's like, open the window, crack a window, air raid, it'd be fine.

And then I went to work and I came home and Nana was like, guess what it was? She was like, there was a tea towel that just was rancid. And I was like, oh, God. And she was like, we had to disinfect the whole lot. laundry basket, the plastic laundry basket. She'd get stunk so bad. And by this stage, it's too late for you to confess. I couldn't.

I couldn't. I was like, it was as a nanny. Must have been her. I think she's done that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So a little PSA to anyone out there who cleans up milk with a teetow, you've got to wash it straight away. People might not know that.

It stinks when it dries. And it's got very distinct stanch. Sour milk. Sour milk. How can something so delicious turn so bad so quickly? That's usually how it would. works, right? Usually the sweeter things ferment and... Ugh. Milk, it's cruel beast. It's a bad smell. It's a stank.

Matt, the time is upon us. The month that is Oscar and Mali's birthday. Oscar is first. His 14th. 14th birthday. Did I get it right? It's on the 14th, but he's not 14. Yeah, no, I said that. You said he's 14th? I fuck off, I did. It's the 14th of June. Playback! Playback at tape. And I saw her in the Facebook group that someone used the YouTube video. I did with Andy Cooks for their birthday cake. I forgot about that.

But you know, with that, I made the cake up at Andy's place when he lived on the Sunny Coast. But this year, we're having a soccer-themed birthday. Big surprise. Just quickly, what was a cake you made with Andy? It was a big red train. And a car, we did a separate one. Right.

And I just think the irony, the irony that there were parents out there looking for help with how to make a birthday cake. This guy. The person who has been so anti-birthday parties for so long, ends up being the savior. Who's also currently looking for someone to help me make a cake?

I messaged Andy and I was like, hey, it's Oscar's birthday, can you help me make a Ronaldo cake? And he was like, yeah, I'd love to do it, but he's away that week. And I can't, how long can you keep a cake for? A week? That's too long. Yeah, and I was like, oh. Don't question me. No, no, that's too long.

Don't question. You can leave it in the freezer. Yeah. Wouldn't it go dry? No. Who? Why am I? I know everything about cake. according to YouTube. Who has that kind of space in their freezer? Actually, you've got a garage freezer, don't you? No, I have a, I used to.

The one I used to use is an ice bath. Must be nice. It was 50 bucks on marketplace. You know what marketplace is? It's on Facebook's where people sell used things. I'll take your word for it. Do they sell used caviar on there? They don't?

I'm not interested. So I'm in the market for someone who could help me with a cake. What's the damage on a cake? On a Ronaldo replica? He's from Portugal. Well, I apologize. I just don't want you to get in trouble. No, fair enough.

With the Spanish and Portuguese-speaking community. How is your Portuguese going, by the way? Abligato. Duolingo is not happy with me. Look, other things have come up, okay? Don't question me. Stop it! For those of you who don't know,

learning Portuguese was one of my new year's resolutions, but the year is still going, so I could still do it. You got plenty of time. I started, just got to finish it. You'll just get to the end of the year and just cram in 12 months of study. I'm so good at doing that. I'll come in January first, and I'll just go, Obligato. So you're going to do a soccer theme birthday party?

I'm going to do a soccer theme birthday cake. So if anyone out there, if you've got any suggestions... Can I just ask, will you do it at a park? No. You're at home? No, there's a venue. We're actually doing a venue that actually take care of the whole lot. It's a drop and go, see.

Not for me, obviously, which sucks. Because I was like, it's going to be drop and go. I'm like, yeah! It's like, not for you. I saw your little post, little carousel when it was at the soccer game and you had like all the kids running after you. Oh, yeah. I made a mistake.

That was a big mistake. So at the end of the game, everyone gets a snake. right like a lolly snake yeah and it was my job to hand out the snakes this week i was like opening up where they were you know the coaches were doing the thing the kids all locked eyes on me because they're not allowed to come to me until they're finished that and i thought you know i'm going to do i'm a fucking run with two bags of snakes and see what happened and they just like there were tears like moths to the flame mate i got absolutely tackled by these kids someone stole a packet from me there was kids crying it was like a war zone and everyone's like ash you've done enough you've done

enough here. I was like, thankfully I've got more, and I had more, like, to all the kids that were crying that thought they missed out. Well, what you posted looked really wholesome and great. Yeah, that was the start of it. You cut out the tears. Can I just ask, what's your thoughts on the community hall for Mali's birthday party? We're currently looking for a hall. Don't want to do it at home because I'm like, fucking house get trashed. For a couple hours, community hall, what do you think is a fair price to hire it? Depends. There's one down in Bayview, for an example. A friend of mine used it as a backup for a wedding if it rained, but we end up doing photoshoot there.

They hired it out for the whole day, 100 bucks. Yeah, I reckon 100 bucks or free. Fuck, I'm getting ripped off in Bondi. There's your answer, bro. Guess how much it is for a couple of hours in Bondi. You've got to give up your firstborn child to use it. For the community hall. Wait, can I just ask, is it because it's in Bondi or is it because they've seen your

name? No, it's like, it's just at the pavilion. It's just at icebergs. I don't understand. Guys, it's only so many times I can laugh at myself. And it should be all the time. 400 bucks. Wow.

Yeah, plus 250 security deposit as well on top of, which you get back. Well, not a kid fucked up. It's not like, it's a nice little place. Where is it? Whereabouts, exactly. It's in Bondi in the heart of Bondi. Is it the pavilion? No, I did look at the pavilion.

I actually think the pavilion would be cheaper. Yeah, probably. And it's an old building. It's not very community of them to be lending it out. I was like, fucking, how? That's daylight robbery. Yeah. Don't do it.

That's honestly, that's the same price as if you went to like bounce. How is this? Sorry. They know. They saw you come in there. And people are paying it. Bondo, we need to stand up and fight the injustice. There's a kindi at where my old suburb I used to live that you can actually on the

weekends, you can actually pay an hourly rate to use the kindi for parties. which has so it has the hall bit and it has like a full kindi playground and everything like that maybe I'll have the party over in Northern Beaches Yeah Come Join us

Come join us Join the dark side You like it over here You will You actually would love Wouldn't I Geez please Quieter

It is Yeah Less tourists Less tourists Is it caviar over that way We've got some of the Best I can't even finish

the sentence. Caviar. I'd at Burtz. Where are you eating? I'm like... Birds? Burtz.

What the fuck is Burtz? Where's... I'm too busy in Newport. I eat an Ernie's house. What's a restaurant? It's very fancy, yeah. Never been. Champagne and caviar.

It must be nice. This is some lobster, though. No, it's special occasions. Yeah, I suppose special occasions. But like, I'm not... I prefer... I'm more of a quantity than a quality eater. I prefer quantity over quality.

So someone's like here... We can tell. Fuck you. That is mean. Let's move on. That is so mean. Defend my honour. Don't be mean to add.

Thank you. I've been fucking... I'm very vulnerable. I'm being made fun of. That's it. Give me a drink. Breaking news. Fick. New research has uncovered the damaging effects of snoring on partners over time.

Storing on them. Wait, hang on a minute What are you? Over the top of it. Get up me! I didn't consent to this. That would be awful. The effects of snoring on partners.

You're not really. The effect snoring has on partners. Not the effect snoring on your partner. April's like, please get up me. Oh my God. We're ever going to get through a breaking door. No. Snoring, go on.

The research out of the US reveals chronic snoring in men may rob women of up to four years of the rest of their lives. Oh, boo-hoo. How dare you? As someone who has to live with a snorer, it kills myself.

I don't know to stop snoring on you then. I don't know what you're in, do you. Snore on me. Anyway, the constant nighttime disruptions Oh, I was sweating. I was sweating. Go on. The constant nighttime disruptions have led to an increase in couples

choosing sleep divorce with their partners, opting to sleep in separate rooms to avoid actual divorce. I'm into that. After last night, I am too. What happened last night? He was over the top of me, after. What do you, does he, has he tried to have his, is it called like sleep apnea?

Yeah, where you look like you're in a fighter jet. I'm pretty sure he has it, but we've never got tested. But I've even bought those, like, nose tape and mouth tape. I only used it once. Didn't work? It sort of did. I haven't done it properly because you've got to have like a super clean face and it's got to be like. Oh, yeah.

But Louis came into our bed last night and then once he came in, then Dan was snoring. And I just can't get back to sleep. And so then I went into the Lily's bed. I couldn't get asleep. Then I went to the couch and I was like playing musical beds last night. You can still hear Dan from the living room just like having the. the best, deepest sleep of his life. It's an insult.

That's what it is. Oh, yeah. It feels like the most selfish thing at the time. Here's one for you. Right. I went back when I was, like, in my 20s or something, I went and were stayed at a hostel with a mate and didn't realize how bad of a snort he was. It was like a fucking train was in the hallway.

Yeah. In the same room. So much so that I bought a whole other room that middle of the night at a hostel. To get away from him. To get away. It cost me 300 bucks for one night to stay in a, I was like, I can't do this. And I was like,

once you're in your head, you can't get it out. And I swear I could hear him from the other room. I was going to ask, it was just in my head. Just want to remind you, you did say boo-hoo, who cares.

That was a joke, man. Okay, so what usually happens is when people, when people, when you joke, people laugh. No, I'm just saying,

I'm just saying, do you want to have a... You call me fat, bro, so you can shut up. You just shut up, right? It's called a joke. We'll take all this out,

Dick. No, leave it in. But yeah, I told Dan he's on the couch tonight. Fair. It's quite... We don't have an extra room.

You get very defensive. So occasionally... Matt's like, you don't have an extra room? I have an extra house. He's like to stay in that? Sorry. You laughing just encourages it, Vic.

I'm sorry. Okay? So you guys, I make a joke and everyone's like, how dare you to poor little Ashy. Look at him. He's so cute and cuddly over with us. Let's move on. Let's move on.

The moment Ash makes a joke, Vick's like, Ha! You fucking loser. That's what it feels like. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry if that's the way it makes you. Just know that when I drive home crying,

it's because of your laughter that echoes in my head. It would be wiping tears with his cash, that's fine. I'll just want you guys to know that. Are you a snorer, Matt? Matt? Shut up, Ash. I'm trying to think, have I heard. You're an elbower.

I elbow. And you're still pillow. I'm a good guy. Because you guys have shared a bed. Yeah, multiple times. Yeah, we didn't. We don't think we snored that. Now, if I'm on my back, I'll snore.

And Laura will have to wake me up and go, you're snoring. And I get very defensive. I'm like, no, I'm not. What I'm talking about? I am not. And, uh... Yeah, I've got to roll down. So, did that and that all?

No, and that's the annoying thing. And even last night, like, it got to the point where it was like, like, so soft. But because I was so hyper sensitive to her, I was like, that can't get to sleep. He started doing that cute snore. It's like when Macy snores, it's like, it's so cute. But if she was an adult, he'd be like, shut up!

Speaking of Macy, Matt, she took a tumble and it was really sad, actually. The circumstances were even sadder, you asked me. It's been raining on and off a lot in Sydney of late. So we had a break in the rain. I've got to get these kids out. You know what it's like when the kids are stuck, they're just feral. And everyone's into each other. It's just so overwhelming all the time when they're trying to do outside things inside

because they don't understand. Anyway, so breaking the rain. Perfect. Let's get out. Scooters. April was asleep on the couch. It's slipping on the scooter. Yeah, we'll just go on the past near home

And they're pretty flat and pretty straight And like at least they can burn a bit of energy Or even if like they want to go and jump in some puddles And so we can come back for a nice hot shower Just something Okay, so we went for a scooter ride Both kids on the scooter There's a path at the back of my place

That goes along the wetlands It's up and back Perfect, it's like a kilometre up and back A couple lizards? It's a bit too wet Sure They're cold blooded so there's no sun out They weren't interested

We were out though Shame Shame, shame It's a shame Anyway so I'm on the electric bike behind them and the kids were in front and they're scooting up having a great time they're just happy to be out of the house so happy to be out of the house coming back we've come to where we turn off to either go home or there's like 50 meters up the path is a little playground and it still

wasn't raining so macy was like can we go to the park and i was like yeah can we go to the park it's like yeah we're having such a scoot let's go to the park fuck yeah let's keep this good thing going yeah let's get we're a turn to take off take off macy hits a crack on a scooter over the handlebars on her scooter. She had the helmet on, thankfully. But she was like, she salmoned. She's in the air and she's just like, looking at you being like, why?

The hang time was amazing. She's like, please help me, daddy. And she's fall. It was all slow motion to me. And she's like, and the poor thing. She's just, she's so clumsy as well. And she just thudded. She was just a thud.

It was just like, like, the dude. Like onto the concrete. She's like, ah! And just like, as you can imagine. I thought you're going to do this. thing where you're like, I didn't see that. She knows I'm not looking at her. She won't cry. This was a definite cry. She has gone over the handlebars, full salmon, didn't stop her fall, like that. Like I said, she had a house. Grace? She was fine. Gray's on the elbow.

Ah, man. So anyway, I was like, oh, fuck, get her home. She's hysterical. Get her home to try and clean her up, get a Band-Aid on or whatever. I walk in, April's awake because she was having a little nap. And Macy, as soon as she sees Mom, she burst into tears again as, as that happens. Anyway, So I get the box of band-aids out and I give it to April and I go sort out what I was just doing. I had to, meanwhile, I had to try and carry all the scooters back in, put everything away back in the garage and came back up. She's got a band-aid. I'm like, great. Big one.

She's like, still sobbing. It's really sad. Like, and I'm like, hey, like, kept going. She kept crying, kept crying. I'm like, what's going on here? And I was like to April. I'm like, did you like, clean the wound or anything? Because she's landed on the mossy concrete.

She's scraped up. It's probably got some germs in there, right? Which are probably irritating this scratch. She's just band-aided over the top to try and shut her up. I would have gone over the top as well. And I was like, I was like, now we're going to pull the band-aid off because she's still, you can tell she's uncomfortable with it. You wanted to undo the band-aid.

Yeah, because I wanted to get in and clean it properly. And Macy was like, no, no. And I'm like, I get it. I feel it. Why don't we have a hot shower, loosen up the skin? But she was like, no, I'm just going to do it. I'm okay. So she's ripped it off.

off. That's an ordeal. That's pretty bold behavior from you. I thought I've had enough scrapes and stuff in my life. It's like the quick of you clean it the bed it's going to be tomorrow. That's what I'm thinking about. All right, let's get it off. Let's just wipe anything. And I opened up and it's got like grass particles and all sorts of things in there. Wurbs in there. Yeah, there's headlides in there. Snails. There's a syringe in there. How did that get in there? I like wiped it off, got the bed of it. And I found like a big square. bandage. A stick down.

In a hospital in your household. You got everything. I know. I got all these first aid kids. I'm like, where the fuck these first aid kids come from?

It's just like, they've been there for ages. And I'm like, oh, okay. Sometimes the kids don't want the big bandage. Well, it's not a band-aid. This was just a square, like gauze.

You got gauze. I've got gauze. We've got gauce money. April, pass the gauze. Yeah, we don't have paper towels in our house. It's just fucking gauze. We're just wiping the bench with gauze. It's good gear.

It's multi-use. Moulders. Cutleries just scalples and tongs. Yeah, but if she was pumped, she got the big gauze. Think about how pumped kids are with a band-aid. Whip out some gauze. They're going off their head. My kids don't like it.

Band-aid? They're anti-gaws. Oh, they don't like gauze. What's wrong with them? They just want the pretty Disney, like, frozen band-ins. Frozen, yeah. If everyone I'm like, this is a pretty deep gash. Got to be the best marketing tool ever.

Oh, yeah. That has to go up there with any product. you have to put up there putting a character on a Band-Aid? Can we just put some characters on Gores? Two doting dads Band-Aid Dads. Just goers. We looked at doing Band-Aid Day just as I remember, but it was like,

kids don't know it. Ours would be more for the parents. We'll be like, I need a Band-Aid. He's a Maddie J. I've got to put a Maddie J on my arm. Anyway, so Macy's pumped about the gauze. Okay, so I've put some Bedadine on. It stung a little bit, but she's so fucking brave. She's brave, as I kept telling her. And then I was like, all right, so I put some medical tape around

it. I got that too. Jeez, Lloyd. Got it all. And then I found a, like, a proper bandage that was, like, rolled up. And I was like, how about this? How about we put a bandage over it? And I, like, masking taped it.

So it was like... And Oscar's like, when I cut myself, I just get fucking told to shut up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get over it! Because he's a hypochondriac. Macy's so sad. And you're like, Macy, I've got a wheelchair. Do you want this as well?

Anyway, so we put the... We wrapped her arm up, like, she's broken it and put the... Put some tape around it, and we all signed it for her and stuff. She was so proud of it like this. She was like, can I, she was like, can I leave this on and take it to Kindi? Because I want to show everyone. Anyway, so I was like, no, you can't do that. So I undid it.

You wouldn't let her take it at Kindi. I did. But before she went to Bez, you had another shower. We took that one off. And I redressed it. I said, look, in the morning, we'll put the bandage back on it and re-sign it so you can go in. So she went in the next day and she was like full bandaged up. And when I walked in with Kindi, she was like, check it up.

Yeah, she just walking around like this. like it was a badge of honour. The poor thing. But anyway, healed up nicely and no infections or anything like that. But it was just sad to watch her salmon over the top of a handlebar. A four-year-old girl. Nothing derails a day quicker than a little graze.

And the thing was so happy to go to the park, like pumped. Like, yes, finally. Right. To be brought back down to Earth literally. We used to always go on the bike to school. It's not that far. It's literally like a kilometre. and now the girls love going on the scooter

and I follow it like you on the bike and I'm always like slowdown! Slow down, foot on the brake! She gets the death wobbles. She just, it's like, I'm heading into a road and I'm like, no one cross a fucking road, I go first across the roads

and they are flying down the hill wobbling all over the place and I'm like, this is it, I'm going to watch my child either whip out or get taken out by a car. The fucking stress. And Macy tries to keep up with Oscar. and she's like, but the thing is that I don't, she's looking back at me.

And I'm like, eyes forward. Eyes forward. And then then just like, boom. It's unbelievable. I love Lola. I love Lola. But any minor cut, she can't walk. She can't move.

I can't, I can't give her a bar. It makes he so clumsy. And she's like, whenever she runs anywhere, I'm like, slow down. Because she's like, I gave an injury to Lola that she was keen to off at school. Oh, you're hitting your kids again, huh? Well... What was it? Oh, hey. And let me just defend myself. Go, no, defend it away. For a second. So Lola, now that poppy's out of the bedroom,

Lola is in bed with us. She comes in every night, and she loves a cuddle. And I'm loving it as well. Laura, not so much, because she's such a light sleeper, and she gets kicked by Lola. Lola could, like, suffocate me, and I'd still just be like, yeah, it's fine. I won't wake up. I'm like, I love it. And I didn't realize, I had this. dream that I was like running somewhere. Chasing the kid. And I just, I whipped my hand. And with my ring in the lip.

Oh. Smacked it right in the lip. When you're all in the middle of the night? And it said, Lola's there just like, just, you know, completely shook up. I'm surprised the fact that she's been smacked in the face by her dad. I'm still like. Oh yeah, you're a deep sleeper. Snoring, taking four years off Laura's life.

And then, so Laura's trying to comfort Lola. And I'm like, what's, what's going on? What happened? What's happened here? And then I was like, again, like defensive when you get told you're doing something in your sleep. I was like, me? I would never hit you.

Hit my precious little Lola? I would never. Never in my dreams. And Lola had just cut lip. And she was like, I can't wait until everyone at school. And I was like, oh, fuck. Please don't. Please don't.

It's a hard one to explain. Like, the other day, Oscar ran at me from his room. I'm on the couch, right? And I could tell he he was going to run and jump. So I've gone to grab the pillow and move the pillow so he could land safely. And as he's done that, he's dived. Head first in. He salmoned headfirst into my fist.

He literally headbutted my fist. And I was like, oh, shh. How am I going to explain my way out of this one? I'm just like, I didn't hit my kid. He headbutted my fucking fist. And it's like, sure he did. But anyway, thankfully no black off. The other thing I'd do as well with Lola in bed, I'm very tired in the morning, Ash.

I don't like waking up at the best times. Lola wakes up at like 6 o'clock, very early. And she'll often like wake up and ask a couple of questions just to get her bearings for the day. Where am I? Well, she's like, is it a school day today? In my half awake, half asleep state, I was like, nah, no school today. No. And she was like, yes.

And I like, roll over full back of sleep. And Laura's like, it is a school day. And I'm like, ah, whatever. She'll be right. And so she's then crying because she's like, I don't want to go to school. She can ask me fucking anything in the morning? And I'll just be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, can I get chocolate for breakfast?

I'm like, yeah, go for. She's worked you out. Go for it. Can I get the car keys? And I'm like, yeah, take it. Park, it's on the left hand side. It's kind of like gospel, yes, that I'm not going to school. So good.

And then it's like, sorry. And then Laura's like, what are you doing? And I'm like, what's happened? And she's like, you've just. You said Lola take the car and get ice cream for breakfast because there's no school today. You just get severe memory long. I never said that. Yes, you did.

I don't remember. And she's fucking bleeding at the same time. Poor thing. Don't you hit your child like that. Matt, would you consider yourself a smart parent? Except for the mornings when I misinform my beautiful children on any question they ask me. I'm normally a pretty smart guy. Well, this segment is where.

Listeners. Do you want to agree with me to say, yeah. Do you want to back me up? Sure. This is a segment from our listeners, actually, where they send in their little hacks, how they've been a smart parent, hopefully we can all learn from. And this segment is brought to you by Aldi. Aldi Good Different.

I'll go first. Please. This is from Rebecca. Give the kids their ice cream while they're in the bathtub. They think it's the best fun and it's so much easier to clean up. Genius. I think like if you're going, all right, finish. you're sure you dinner and you can have ice cream in the bath. Do you think that Rebecca is putting

the kids in the bath with the water? Or? No. Okay. Are you sure? I don't know. Do you think she's putting the kids in the bath fully dressed with the bowls to then take the clothes off to then start the bath or is the bath already full? We need a follow-up. We need a follow-up. Vic? Oh my God. The bath is full. Hey, there's no such thing as a dumb question, Vic. There isn't. And when you start an answer with, oh my gosh, and you sigh? How dear. It makes me full. It makes me feel like that is a dumb question? Let me ask you this. Would you like to eat ice cream whilst in a jacuz? Yeah. It'd melt quicker, wouldn't it? I think it'd be it, maybe a nice, like, mixture of temperatures. But wouldn't you then have ice creamy water? It's in a bowl. You're eating it

in the bathtub and it, she says here, and it's so much easier to clean up because there's water. Although we have spoken about how milk gets quite stinky. Yeah, what if you spill it in the The whole bath is contaminated. And then two days later, someone's like, who's fucking stinky kids of these? Yeah. Who's stinky ice cream kids are these? Goes down the drain. Yeah, but some of it's going to get stuck to your porous skin.

It doesn't trust me. We do food in the bath all the time. I'm beginning to think Rebecca is you. Have you made this up? No, but I didn't choose this one because I loved it. And also, not only that, the Dota's loved it. It got so many likes from other people. You just said a second ago, we eat a lot.

in the bathtub. Explain yourself. So when we do dinner, because, and you guys know this. Everyone in the bath, having dinner? Dan's like, marking out my baton. Oh, God, it just takes his close up. You're all in the bath, naked eating dinner. It's in Spagball.

What's for the dinner? What's for dinner? Sausages. Ah, oh, Jesus. The kids take so long to have dinner sometimes. And sometimes to get them to eat faster, we're like, you can have some dessert. And for us, dessert is frozen berries.

and frozen berries are really messy and so they can eat them in the bath and then instead of getting them everywhere like all over the table, the floor, etc. It just falls in the bath. And as soon as they're like berry fingers and berry face gets everything, like you just wash them up. But then there's a wipe.

Are they just washing in berry water? No, no, no. Are they sticky afterwards? There's just ants all over it. No, it just helps cut the time out and then, yeah, it is kind of fun for them. It's easier to clean and it helps get them in the bath sooner because they've got this

carrot dangling in front of them. Literally. It reminds me of, you know, it's just the kids in the bath, not us. When you're like, you put the plastic down and you put the food on the time. Next is going to be the bath's full of food, kids get in. And you see a big fucking thing of spaghetti

and the kids in there. Washing under the arms of fucking chunks of meat. I once have done spaghetti in the bath with the kids. Shut up. You need to be stopped. I know. You're out of control. Never again.

That was a mistake. But it just goes down the drain. So then it's like you don't have to clean. Instead of getting dropped on the wall. The drain or the strainer. All the sauce is out. It's like, quick get the password out. We'll save it.

Dan's in there eating the left over. It's like it's a big fucking bowl. This is from Laurie or L-O-R-I. L-O-R-I. L-O-R-I. L-O-R-I. L-R-I. When my kid is having a tantrum, I get the TV remote

and say, I'm just going to pause this for a moment. And he pauses because he thinks it's funnier than the injustice of his issue. He pauses for a few than I say, I think I'll just change the channel to a comedy, an animal documentary, Paul Patrol, Bluey, and point at him and he will act out a scene from the show or genre. All of a sudden, the tantrum is over and we are having so much fun. That's pretty good. I like that.

Yeah, that's good gear. Although, I don't mind a tant. What if it's in public? Can you take a remote with it? A universal remote? I got confused for a second and I was like, so he's watching TV? The tantrum is in front of the two?

No, so he's having the tantrum. She points the remote at him and says, I want to watch a comedy, I want to watch Bluey and then he starts acting it out. I thought it was great. Next time April's yelling at me, I'm going to try it with her. Pause. And then get slapped.

Yeah, pause. No violence. Sometimes when Laura's having a tantrum, I'm just like, Mute. Someone's got the grumpys. Oh. Get the grumpies out and I start squeezing.

I'm like, oh, there's Still some in there. Still some in there. And then I'm like just waiting for a little chuckle. And I'm like, sometimes it doesn't come. The mood switch up is fucking hard. Just distraction with partners and with kids. Works with both.

Yeah. This one's from Sammy. Our car won't start unless everyone has been to the toilet. Has shoes on and has their water bottles. That's just. Genius. That's great. That's just great parenting. Can I just.

Sammy, thank you. Last one. That is just good parenting. Jessica. Great name. Easy to read. Run of the mill. Love that.

Love it. Thank you for the pick of Jessica. Yeah, it makes it much easier for us. Instead of like Juanita or Wurwanda or something, or something weird name I can't pronounce. Also shout out to all the Rwandas and Nitas out there. Like, Laurie. No one taught Mummy how to play hide and seek.

So if you hide from me, you might be lost forever. To the kid that used to run and hide if you didn't want to do something like go home from the park, it works like a charm. Yeah, I didn't have any hiders. Although, actually, Macy once, we got one of those, toy kitchens. Oh, yeah. And I found her in the oven one time.

But I couldn't find her for ages. And then her head popped up because it has like the oven entry, but then it also doubles as the stove, which you can take the stove off. Did you feel asleep in there? No, no. I was just like, where? I couldn't, she scared the shit out of me actually. And then her head just popped up.

And I was like, oh, thank God. That's like, she's just in the kitchen. Yeah, it just had the oven. She's just in the oven. April found her. She's in the oven. I think these are so important to share with the Doty's because it makes them smarter parents. I love that.

But if you're also, not just a smart, parent but a smart shopper. Take the Aldi IQ test at IQ.aldi.com.com. You and find out if you're a true grocery genius. Aldi. Good. Different. We've got to get out of here. We do. Next week, Matt, we've got a great

housekeeping episode. We're going to have all the Doja lemons in there. It's not just going to be me crying. We love it when you cry. Can we ever? We need to have like a cry tally count to see who at the end of the year. You'd be a year. You've ever. I'm working hard to catch up. Matt's like, oh, it's going to cry.

Just keep it going, keep it going, yeah. I've gone pretty well, I haven't cried in a while. Not that there's anything wrong with it. Today's the day, I reckon. I've had a good run. But there's mine is that, those Monday, those. Now cry. Those Monday episodes, it's just, so good.

They are so good. We've also got another favourite I asked, Matt. Oh, yeah. We need you to comment on this episode, either individual episodes on Spotify or on two doting dads as a whole. on Apple Podcasts or follow us or go with a friend. You can follow us on socials, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, YouTube, Two Doating Dads or send us an email. Hello at Two Doty Dads.com.

Well said. Let's get out of here. Goodbye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on. Gadigoland.