Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #233 Call Me Baby

Episode Date: June 9, 2026

This week the boys are divided over pet names - Ash says they’re pure ick, while Matt’s fully committed to the cringe. Then things escalate when Ash roasts the way Matt talks to his kids… until Matt produces actual evidence of Ash using a very different voice with Macy. Hypocrite or justified baby chat? We’ll let the Doters decide. Matt and Ash went head-to-head in a fierce battle for tickets to State of Origin Game 2 in Melbourne. You'll have to listen to find out who came out on top. If you want to join the boys at the game, grab your tickets here. Plus the Doters deliver more elite parenting hacks including why ice blocks for breakfast might actually be genius. Consider yourself a smart shopper? Take the ALDI IQ Test today at www.IQ.ALDI.com.au and find out if you’re a true grocery genius... or not. ALDI. Good different. If you want a tradie recommendation or to make one of your own head to www.hernextvillage.com.au or to get in touch with Dan head to https://www.instagram.com/pierce.projects/  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

There's a bee in my bonnet. There was a bee in my bonnet. I went in, simple order, and they fucked it up. There was no one even in there. What did you ask for? I just asked for a particular chicken wrap, and I was like, I'll just get it on its own. It was quiet, was dead. Nothing could go wrong.

Fucking hop this thing up full of chili. As soon as I opened it up, it's pretty much just chili wrap. And guess what was in it? What? Hulumi. I'm being haunted by the damn Hulumi. Welcome back to two donuts. Dads. I'm Maddie J. And I'm one annoyed dad.

What's... Hang one second. It's the good. I'm Ash. Sorry. Sorry. It's the relatable. My rap. Because this morning, just in case people are wondering, the cafe next to where we record, we love a little bacon egg rap. However, this morning, there was only one rap left. The option was, a Hulimi rap or a chorizo rap. Ash, took one for the team. Can I stop you right there? There is no tea in Torizo. So, you know. I'm sorry. No, you're right. That's very valid.

That criticism is something that I'll take on board. Take it on board next time. They're probably like, back then, like, he called it to Ritzo. But Ash took one for the team. He had the Hulumi, and it was just a fucking slab of Hulumi. I've never seen so much Hulumi in my life. It was like an eraser. You ate the whole thing?

I know, you think I'd be full for the rest of the month. First bite, Ash was like, fuck, this is awful. I look over and you're like, but it was there. It was there. People underestimate the fact that it's there. I can't just go. That I threw on the ground, which I, that means I've had enough of that.

Actually, I was telling Ash, Vic, I, for the first time ever, I sent back a meal. Oh. Which restaurant? Yeah. I was at a restaurant. I talked about it in the weekend, but I had an apple crumble that I sent back. I said, this is not good. Please remove it from the bill.

That's a riveting story. How can you get a crumble wrong? Exactly. I'm glad you asked. And I had this thing with a waiter where I was like, do I want the Benofi pie or the apple crumble? And he was like, you can't go wrong with Apple Crumble, right? And I was like, you are right.

Apple Crumble it is. And it came out. And I was like, ah, it was a soup. It was like an apple soup. It was fucking awful. It wasn't cooked. I said that Apple Crumble is just apple pie that's fallen over. Yeah.

But this was worse. This was worse. Don't worry about me, guys. I've recovered. I'll talk about my weekend away, including the apple crumble incident in more detail. And the sex? There is a little bit of sex.

Nice. That's what I want to hear. That's the only reason I'm here today. But first of all, let's talk about housekeeping. What do we got? What do you got for us? I've just got here on notes. It's fucking cold.

It is fucking cold. It is winter. I wrote that. Can you believe six months into the year? Guys! That's fucking wild. Hang on, what are you? It's been too long.

It's gone quick. Oh, I thought you meant it's like, it's cold now. It took six months. That point had, there's two facets to it. I've lost. I'm lost. Point number one, we are six months into the year. Point number two, it is now winter.

Well, would you say six months into the year would be the end of this month or the start of the month? That's a question. I'm asking the hard-eaten questions. I don't get bogged down in details. Don't you? The fuck, and that's the biggest lie? That was good. Come on now.

Time flies when you're having fun is what I say. That is true. I always say that. I've always said that. I've known for that. We deserve to pat ourselves in the back, guys, because last week we had a spike, a huge spike. The biggest spike we've ever had in the three years of this podcast,

we had a mountain of new listeners come over. We had that one that was a mistake that time. Remember it was a glitch? I was like, Ash, we're rich. We had like 100,000 downloads in a day And I was like, what the fuck? We were like looking, scouring the internet for what has been reported on us. I was like, I knew one day we'd be successful.

There's a glitch. And then like it uploaded and it was like actually you had 100 downloads. It was like a back end glitch. It was exciting for that. It was the best 24 hours of my life. We did buy a few jet skis. But I was wondering all these new listeners, I wonder where they're coming from. Let me read your review.

sensational podcast it reads guys I feel like I'm cheating on Britain Laura as I've been an OG listener to Life Uncut but started listening from Holly's episode and now I'm hooked and have started from the beginning you guys make me laugh and I'm so happy I'm so happy I have years to catch up on so now I know I'll be getting a daily laugh

in listening to you guys keep the episodes coming I read that to Laura and I thought it was hilarious. And the look on her face, I was like, ha! Look, you're getting... Let's call Britain. Tell her. They're deserting your podcast. And then I was like, oh, she's not laughing. Well, she should laugh. I think that's fun, fun and funny. I was like, you guys get like a million a month. Give us one. Give us one listener. Gosh. I think people are always pleasantly surprised when they do start listening. I think maybe

they have a preconception of what it is. And then when they listen, they're like, oh, This is actually really fun. Here's a fun question. What's the preconception? Well, two dads. I don't know. Talking dads. Whoa.

Wow. How dare you? You're two dad and the fat. Yucky poopoo two dads. The look of Vic's face when she said it. She's like, Oh, two cents of dick and balls. Like she's being served up of fucking two plates of steaming shit at dinner.

Oh, they're just two dads. Ugh. Would rather stab myself with rusty fucking forks. I see it. I see it now. I see it now. See what he's own. People come for this.

We're just sitting there going, poo, shit. We do talk about poo and come a lot. Yeah, speaking of... Speaking of, come. I try and start that. Actually, speaking of, come. Ash gave me a little toy.

Recently, I was at his house, and he'd been holding on to this one for a little while. In Japan. He picked me up. What did you get me? Tell Vic. Okay, well, actually, it has to go back in time to a birthday of mine a couple years back,

when Matt got me a translucent fleshlight. Thank you for that, by the way. Off Amazon. Thank you for that. Not paid? Gave me a blister. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Gave me two blisters. It gave me an SCD. What the fuck? That's a way better joke than the blister. Can you write that down? How the fuck did I get herpes from a sex story? I know. Back to the story.

Japan. I went to Japan and they're in Japan. Oh, that dirty bastards are there. They're into some dirty shit, Vic. They've got one-time use, like, jelly ginas. And I bought Matt one for a present. Oh, well, you did stay at a sex hotel. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Ash is going through a very nostalgic phase right now. It's dark. No, you're right, yeah. But this was from a supermarket. They just got them in the supermarket. I always, when I was younger, I'd get quite nervous having to buy condoms. Because they were extra small. Boom!

Whack! There's nothing. wrong with having a small penis out. You know that. I don't, because I've seen yours. Okay, let's like, let's not. Let's not, let's not, let's not attack Matt in this episode. How is that a primary school joke?

Can I take it back? I used to get quite nervous. I don't know, I just, it's like buying toilet paper. I hate buying toilet paper, hate buying condoms. I used to always get freaked out buying Playboy at the 7-Eleven. That's like, what in the morning? Why do you hate buying toilet paper? Because people are not, like you'd be sitting.

Yeah. Oh, he was sitting. I saw a lady, I saw a lady walking home. She shits. With, like, a, it was like a giant, like 60 packet toilet paper. And I was like, woo, you go, girl! I know, I used to always make April carry it. Oh, she shits.

She's a shitter. She ever got never once thought about that ever in my history of buying toilet paper. I used to. Must be nice. The preconception is really true. It must be nice to have no anxiety whatsoever. Because women have to wipe both ways anyway. What?

I thought you drip dry. Don't you shake. That's how you get diseases. Is it? Well, thrush at least. Okay, good to know. It's educational with this podcast. You're fine.

You're fine. Toil the paper, no issues whatsoever. Although now we have a subscription, so it just gets sent straight to our house. You must shit a lot. She really poops. She'd be pooping. What I used to do is I used to go, oh, I really hold this for us. And she'd be like, oh, and then I would get a video overhauled it.

I'd be like, ugh, I'm going to send this to people that you should. little time. But Ash bought the sex toy and he brought it back. No issues whatsoever. I had a friend, just to get over the condom thing just quickly, I used to have a friend that would prop it up on something so that it would, as it's coming down the conveyor belt, it would stare at the cashier.

Like when you're like, hey, how are you going? And there's like just a tub of lube and a condom and a six pack of bananas and you're like, oh. That's a power move. And you're like, what are you up to? Not much. Not much tonight. What are you up to? I'm just up to the bottle shop.

now. Just a quiet one. Do you sell wine by the gallop? Anyway, sex toy, I got it. And it's not obvious at the six. So I should have brought it in. And I left it out accidentally. And the cleaners...

The cleaners. Well, they probably play. No, because it actually, the packaging on it is phenomenal. It's quite not. It's quite sleek. Looking at it, you wouldn't know it's a sex toy. If you sanded a penis down until it's smooth, that's what it looked like. I was like, where's my sex toy?

Nana was like, what? And I was like, Nana, where is it? You fucking moved it. It's like, you're always touching my things. Anyway, I found the sex toy. Sex toys safe. But the cleaners, like,

they moved it from the kitchen table onto the bench. They wouldn't have known what it is. It's pretty discreet. It's very discreet. Yeah. So you haven't used this. Is that what you saying? No.

I'm pretty sure Frank found my flesh light. That's a story for another time. Frank is April's dad. April is Ash's wife. Because we've got all these new life-uncut listeners. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just so you know, We talk about sex toys exclusively here.

If they're probably still here, probably not. Okay, no, I see what I see what I think we're saying. Two dads. Ash, this is very premature. Go ahead. Baden bumsch. Thank you. This is very premature, but we have the samples of the hats.

Oh, yeah, we've got new hats coming. I'm excited. Yeah, we've got four designs. One of them's race-themed. I'm really excited about it. And I don't think we can go ahead with all of the hats. Why? Well,

the bank of the camera. There's a few designs. Get more. I think we start with two designs. Well, how am I supposed to cull that down? Well, that's, that's the issue we face. Three, come on. Maybe in the middle. Public vote. Three.

It's got to be a public vote. Three. And imagine how they react to the hat colors, knowing how they reacted to the studio paint colors. They won't give a shit. I'm like, is it not on a wall? Nah. Does it have anything to do with a house or doing any sort of makeup?

No, ah. I'll be wearing it when I renovate. They're like, whoa! Oh, where the red one? Option two. When do we have, do we have an ETA or not? Sample. Look, ETA.

I don't, this is not an attack on the Chinese factory. I thought they were locally sourced. No, a mate of mine said that. He's like, use this factory. They're pretty great. And it took about six weeks to get these samples. Every week, I was like, any update on the samples? And they were like, we'll get it to you as quick as possible.

And I've been saying that for a couple of weeks now. What, what, it's just a hat. Well, there's a lot that goes into a hat. apparently. But every week I was like, any update. Yeah. This is my sixth message. And they were like, no problem, sir. Here you are. And I was like, that's not the right hat. And I'm like, one second, sir. It was a real process. So to get them mass produced, fuck, who knows? Christmas. Far out. It'd be like those bloody toys all over again.

I know. It's the same factory. Why do we go back? I'm just, guys a joke. Oh, okay. We don't have a, we don't have a, we don't have a, we don't have a manufacturer ourselves. Yeah, if people are questioning, what are they doing? How are they running this business? Good question. Small team here.

Obviously, I'm Matt. This is Ash. And that's Vic over there. We have Vic. We have Ness who does our video editing. We also have Locker who helps with YouTube. But we don't have anyone that manufactures things. No.

That's the next step. That's us. It's hard. It's hard out there dealing with factories. We could have just made the hats ourselves. We literally could have. That would have been terrible. I know.

Good news. All around. Stay tuned. Hats are coming. Ashra has some good news and some bad news. Oh, great. Do you want the good news or the bad news? Can you do it at the same? Mash them up together.

Okay. Good news, game two, state of origin. Melbourne, the 17th of June. Oh yeah, MCG. Bad news. Oh, no. Only two tickets are up for grabs. That's a big stadium for two people.

That is some of your best year. Thank you. Okay, so we have two tickets. We have two tickets. Two doting dads currently has two tickets. Vic, sorry, you're out of the mix. How dare you? We can just go together.

Well, I was going to take Mali. Oh. Thanks. Whoa. No offense. That's it. Choose your own flesh and blood over me. That's fine.

Well, she supports Queensland. I don't want to go to another game. Forcefully. Standing next to a filthy New South Wales supporter. Just as case we win again. Okay. So if I go, it means I can take someone. You can take whoever you want.

I'll take Oscar. Sure. How do we figure out who gets these tickets? About a quiz. A battle to the death. Or quiz. You'd have the length and the height over me. You've got power.

Thank you. Honestly, thank you. That's probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me. You're welcome. I'm a powerful man. So, we're going to do a quiz. We've got three questions. Each, whoever gets the most right at the end of the quiz,

we'll win the two tickets. Oh, okay. And we'll then go to Melbourne. Flights? Might I just add? Flights accommodation. are paid for. Shout out to the NRL who will put this on for us.

I want to win. So it's the full spread. Vic is going to be the adjudicator. Do you know what also? It's smack bang in between Oscar's birthday and Marley's birthday. It is literally bang in the middle. There's two days on either side. Talk about being the best dad, being like, surprise, wake up, pack your bags.

We're going to Melbourne. There's so much at stake. Okay, so. So much at stake. Vic will ask the questions. Vic, I will let you decide who goes first. Oh, okay. It's got to be me, though.

Ash, you ready? Yes. Okay, let me just get warmed up. Queensland! That's not going to help you. Thank you. That's not going to help you. I don't need that.

I'm going to use my brain because we've got them down here. What? Exactly. Go, carry on. Okay. New South Wales first. Oh, yeah, okay. I'm nervous.

Which New South Wales player holds the record for the most blues origin appearances? Oh, God. It's got to be someone vintage. Look that brain. ticking over. Look at that. It's been a while since you have to use that big guy. It's got to be, Brad Fittler. Correct.

Bam. Cop that. All right. Which Queensland player is known as the King and Captain the Marones to multiple State of Origin series victories. What about a layup? Jesus. That's a hard question.

Oh, is it? I didn't know that. Can you please repeat? Oh, gosh. Which Queensland player? Wally Lewis. Wollie Lewis. Wollie Lewis.

I even knew that. Okay, one all. Okay. New South Wales. Which New South Wales player has scored a hat trick in origin on two separate occasions? Hat trick. I know it. I don't know it.

Turbo? Is that Tom Treboevich? Yeah, it would be 2019 and 2021, surely. Actually, on technicality, that's wrong because it's not turbo. Tom Treboevich. Okay, fine. And I'm going to guess it's 2019 and 2021. Sure.

Can we, I will look that up after. Okay. All right. Queensland. Okay. Which Queensland player holds the record for the most state of origin appearances for the Marones? I think I know this one. Okay.

Could it be Thurston? Oh, that's actually, that's a good, that's a good guess. Vintage. You've got a couple that you build dynasties, so I'll give you that. Maybe Lockyer. Lockyer would be up there. What about the raging bull? He wouldn't remember.

Remember. Oops. How dare you? How dare you? You attack a legend. You're all brothers and sisters up there. Come on, carry on. Okay.

Would he play like 452 games for Storm? Was it that many? Is it him? It's up there. It's more than 400. He's played over 400 games of NRL. So I think I think I'm going to go with. Vic, can I lock in Cameron Smith?

Correct. He's never injured. He was, like, the last 10 years of his career or something, I'm pretty sure he only ever did the strengths and conditioning training, never actual contact training, because he never had to. And then he would make 60 tackles a weekend. I will say he is a Queenslander, but he is honestly the goat. He's my, he's the ghost.

He's very nice as well, good friend of mine. Is he? No. He ate you. It ain't me too, I reckon. I don't know a lot of. about NRL, but I do know him. He's husband material.

Yeah, yeah. He's an accountant. So can I just, not to put more pressure on your shoulders. If you get this wrong, then it's up to me to win this. I don't get questions wrong. Them fighting words. Who has Captain New South Wales in the most origin matches? Do it have to be Brad Fittler?

Correct. Yeah! Get in. Three from three. Thank me later, Oscar. Pressure's on, big guy. Oh, okay. Last question.

If Matt wins this, we will go to a tie-breaker round. If Matt loses, Ash is the winner. I'm nervous. You should be. I'm sweating. It's a hot in here? All right. What are you got for me?

In what year did Queensland win the inaugural State of Origin match under the State of Origin selection rules? Oh, cut. Which selection rules? Fuck you, Vic. Wow. Why would you? Okay.

The state of origin what? In inaugural. In what year did Queensland win the inaugural state of origin match under the state of origin selection rule? She's gone to newsread a voice for this one. Okay. I don't even know this one. I'm going to go 1993.

Bap-ba-bang. Yes. As is the winner. It was 1980. Just a Ah! Get Oscar on the phone. Okay.

Get her Oscar on the phone. Call the school. Can we just acknowledge you stitched me up with a very hard question on number three, Vic? No, fair is fair, Vic. I think that's just a great line of questioning.

I have no problems with it from my end. Okay, well, Ash, congratulations. You are going to game two. Well done. Thank you. Well done. He is the Oracle. You know what he's like with Dates?

He forgets nothing. Once it's in that, yeah, he's like... Date's my thing. Just... Not the fruit. You're like, oh, he shits, dude. Hey, but I can't make it. But to anyone who will come, just answer the call, the cry, the Queensland cry.

To support us in Game 2, you can, of course, buy tickets. We'll put the details in the show notes, but we want to make sure we get more Queenslanders in New South Wales at Game 2 in Melbourne. Well, it's historic that Melbourne support Queensland because of the big three. But also, it's just like a... It's like they sort of... came into the comp when you guys were dominating. So, of course, they picked, let's pick the team that wins all the time.

I get born into the team that loses all the time. Sorry about that. I'll fly the flag and Oscar will be there flying his flag. If you see us, stop us, say good a day. Please. And thanks the NRL for sending me and giving me the best birthday present for my son ever. Here, hear. Speaking of news, Vic, what do you got for us?

Well. That's great. Thank you. I thought we lost you there. I do. I'm not telling. But I'm not telling. I refuse. No, I do have a good one today.

And I'm curious to see if you guys use these with your partners. So a new study has found that pet names you have with your partner might actually be good for your health. Researchers say hearing affectionate nicknames such as baby and sweetheart triggers a rush of the feel good chemicals, oxytocin and dopamine. That chemical reaction can lower stress hormones, slow your heart. rate and leave you feeling calmer, happier and more secure. So even if you hate them, Ash, pet names might be doing more than just making you cringe. You're a big pet name guy. Me? You will not, you and Laura call each other baby all the time. Don't attack my character like that. No, I'm just sad. It wasn't an attack. It was an observation. Baby comes out of you guys

a lot. Babe. Babe. Baby. Yeah. Do you reckon? Right? They say baby every sentence, I reckon. Sorry, every greeting. Now that's an attack. Mine was an observation. They're just reducing their oxytocin. I mean, sorry, they're reducing their testosterone. Babe is not a pet name. If it's like... Baby, you guys do a lot. Yeah, but that's not, that's standard.

That's, like, there's nothing... What do you, okay, well, April, whenever you call April, she always says... Babe, no problem with babe. No problem with that. Baby is where I'm at. Babe, play on. Hey, baby. Yeah, like that.

Why did I... Ew. Yeah, I say Babe. Babe, fine. It would be very out of character for Dan or I had to say, baby. Yeah. I think I've once called him sweetheart and he's like... That's weird. That's weird. Yeah, hon. You called me, hon the other day. I was like... Sometimes it just comes out, sorry. I like it when a woman calls me hon. Like an older woman.

Hey, hon. Are you calling me old? You're up my feet, hon. No, no, sorry. Not like, that wasn't, I didn't mean to say that to you, V. Didn't you? Sorry. No, a bit of an old woman at the cafe is like, here you go, hon. I'm like, ooh. You know what I mean? What I don't like is the word hubby. Why? Why? What's wrong with her? I just don't like it. It's icky to me. And that's just a personal preference.

Like April doesn't dare call me that because I'm like, no. I'll leave you. We do, the only pet names that we have for each other is when April does something very frank like. I just call a little Frankie. Like, ooh, it's a little Frankie. That is not dropping oxytocin at all. It's just raising it. Yeah.

No, because she knows, she laughs. Like the other day, she's like, would you like a tea? I'm like, oh, okay, Frankie. Because Frankie loves tea. Frank loves tea. That is... Or slow and steady. That's bullying.

Yeah, okay. But baby, you're a big on baby, I've noticed. So's Laura. If I call her my soulmate, that sets her right off. She loves that. Really? You're my soulmate.

Is that why you did it in the Mother's Day letter? Oh, yeah, 100%. Absolutely what he's doing. Absolutely. I was like, yeah, you like that. Any other? No, then with the kids, I call the kids Bubba, which I know yours.

Like, what are you saying that? You're freak? Yeah, the other day I've got a TV. I was like, hey, blah, ma. And he was like, you're fucking loser. The other day, we were on the phone together and you were like, hey, I've got, I could tell that the girls were getting more antsy and antsy. You're like, we're going to get off the phone.

I understand. But he didn't hang up. I had to hang up after listening in intently with April on a loudspeaker as we laughed and laughed and laughed. Because Matt was like, oh, it's a papa. I was a papa. I was like, I can't handle this and hang up because I'm not baby talk guy either. Actually, can I pull you up on something? Did I?

Oh, yes. Yes. I want to hear it. You forget, Ash, you forget that as a dad to a young boy and a young girl actually changes your tone quite significantly. It does. You said that. But I only know this because you pointed out. So just so you know, I was unaware of this until you guys pointed it out.

It's so obvious. And I love it. Poor Oscar. So you've posted two videos this week of if your kids could change their name. names, the tone and demeanour of the way you talk to each of your children, it's very different. Let's have a little listen to how Ash talked to Oscar. If we had to change your name, if someone rang me and said, hey, we have to change your name, what name would you pick?

Flames. Flames. Well, that's just funny. That is funny. How you going? Listen here, boy, we got to change your name. Are you not going to be? Oh, Flame.

And this is how you talk to Macy. If we had to change your name, what would you want us to change your name to? He's under the table. Okay, you thought about it? All right. Come on. Tracy?

My little Tracy. Oh, damn, I will Tracy. A little Tracy. What are you on, Flames? We had to call it Tracy all weekend, too, by the way. We'll make it happen. Hey, Flame, come here. Come and see your sister, Tracy.

So when I talk to my girls, it's the same as how you talk to Tracy. I just, it's just, the Bubba, the Bubba gets me. Because we've brought it up before and then when you accidentally didn't hang up, I was like, this is perfect. I call me Bubba. I do not sound like that. You do. What do you call your kids?

I call them Bubba. I call them. Or Bubby. I call, I call Macy Pud. Because she's Puddin. Yeah. And Oscar, I'm like, shut up. You gotta be nice, a little Oscar.

Bigfellas, like, because of bluey, bigfellas a good one around the house. You know, big fella. If any time I'm doing anything whatsoever, Oscar's like, here comes big fella. Actually, I started killing... Sorry? Wow. I started killing my kid. I started calling my girls, my daughters, bro.

Oh, yeah. And they like that. They love that. Yeah, Oscar loves that. I love that. I don't know, bro. with Louie because they pick it up at school, yeah? Can you stop copying me, Vic?

And then they, do you know what's the worst is when you're trying to be a parent and they hit you with the bro back? And you're like, fucking damn it. I'll be like, I'll be like, mate, can you please pick up? He's like, all right, bro. I'm like, damn, I've fucking created a monster. Does Louis like it? If I say bro.

Yeah. Oh, I loves it, yeah. Yes. What about brah? Oscar's a good one. He's like, bro. He hates him when I call him lad. I'm like, come in a lad.

He's not a lad. Brat. I'm like, here you are. But. No pet names for AGO. God, these kids don't know how good they've got it. Bloody hell. Why?

Look at us. Forever trying to give them, like, fun nicknames. Keep it happy. Keep the dialogue different. Mixing it up. Keeping them alive. Keeping them happy and making it fun all the time. It's exhausting.

In the mornings, I'm like, what can I call Miley? What hasn't she had? Hey, dickhead! Oh shit! Well, that's what I used to get. Dickhead. Something like that. Well, we called Lily, Lily Boo, for a while there.

But she has quashed. that. Yeah, Macy was Macy Mooh. My friend's dad used to call me shit for brains. That was my nickname. That's beautiful. And then when he passed away, sadly, he passed away from cancer and I had to speak at his funeral.

You speak at a lot of funerals. I'm good at it. What can I say? A lot of funerals. Anyway, my opening line was, Pat. Did you know him? Ash? No, but I'm here.

I'll talk. My opening line was, oh, Pat used to call me shit for brains. And everyone knew immediately just the sort of sense of humor he had. That's just, so I quite like being called sheep of brains. Oh, okay, as long as it wasn't scarring. No, it's not scarring. But yeah, no, no, I don't, I'm just trying to think April and I've been together for, what, 15 years, 16 years, coming up 16 years, I think. I don't think we've ever had a pet name, like a, like one that's stuck that, other than Babe and the, I would say Babe is, and probably Baby for you guys, is in passing, you know, you would just say it, like it just rolls off.

What do you call it in the bedroom? Mommy. Oh, God. At the moment, Jesus. Actually, can I just say, though, if Dan doesn't call me babe and he calls me Vic or Victoria, that is more jarring for me than if he's like, hey, babe. Because if he's saying Victoria, it's like, I'm either not paying attention or I'm in trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like it.

So it has a reverse effect as well. I like it when she uses my full name. Spikes the stress hormone. On the back of that, if you could pick a pet name that you would like, to be called, what would it be? Just quickly. Nothing too complex. Hunky boo-boo. Like it. Schnookums. Schnooks? I was husband-make-husband face for a while on their phone.

Otherwise, otherwise I like muffin. Ooh. Hey, nothing. I want to get it. You're called muffin? You would be. Yeah, I don't know why. I think it would. Like from Bluey. Yeah. Anyway. Actually, Dan's in my phone as Dan the man. Yeah, he's in my phone as Dan the man too.

That was kind of his own name. Dan Vick, Dan Vicks man. Speaking of pet names, you went away without any kids. I guarantee you the pet names who are flowing all weekend. What a segue. Thank you. That's it. I'm off. My park is out.

I'm going to go. Very good. Yeah, I think everyone has heard enough about the fact that I was away with no kids in the weekend. Even when I dropped off the kids at gymnastics, someone was like, how was your kid free weekend? I was like, how'd you know? He's like, is your fucking wouldn't stop talking about it.

Well, go ahead. Tell us again. So I had no kids on the weekend. We left on Friday. We went down south to the Allodala house. The manor. And thank you. But it was a bit of a stressful morning because I wanted to drop the kids off,

get straight down there. You know, wanted to maximize every second that we had. So like school drop off and continue. And then Laura was like, I'm going to just finish packing. So you just drop them off. The school's like spitting distance down the road. I'll nip back home, pick up Laura.

We'll go. We'll get out of there. but it was a bit of a tricky morning. Everything was a bit slower. The bags weren't packed. Trying to get the kids out the door. Also, we stupidly sign the kids up for Spanish lessons at school. They do Spanish in the morning.

What? Why? Because there's no language at school. And then there was a couple of parents who advocated for Spanish. There's a couple of, there's a few Spanish parents. And then they were like, we need X amount of kids to sign up to do it in a Friday morning before school starts. And so I was like, you know what? Fucking.

Man of the people. Didn't even do it for him. All them. And the kids were like, kids were like, yeah, well like, they're down for that. They don't know what Spanish is. And then our nanny. Yeah, because you're nanny. Oh, she's Spanish. She's Spanish.

So I was like, should we speak in Spanish? And then when the kids are old enough and they're fluent in Spanish, they're like, Dad, thank you. Yes. Thank you. It'd be funny. It was like, they do all this Spanish and then the nanny's like, but I speak Portuguese. But damn it.

Yeah. She's like, I'm French. Wow. Wow. Okay. Are they enjoying it before we go. Well, we always forget. Because it's... Story of Matt's life. You meant to get to school at 8 o'clock and it's always like 8.15 and I'm like,

just feeling like, I'm forgetting. And I'm like, get into the fucking car! And the kids are like, what is it? I'm like, it's Spanish. I'm always like, for fuck's sake. So we forgot about Spanish. Trying to get the kids out of the door. The kids were in the car.

They had this slothy toy, which has got like long arms, long legs. and they kept like Lola was like whipping it into me. So it was like whipping me as I'm trying to drive the kids to school. That's a hazard. That's dangerous. Very dangerous. And I was like, hey, multiple times. I was like, just can you stop doing that?

Please. And I try and grab it and she'd like hide it. And I was like, Lola, do not know more. Like that's enough is enough. Did it again. And I fucking hate that I did this. But I grabbed it. And I said, if you do that one more fucking time,

I'm going to throw this out the window. I mean, I just, I honestly, I really, like, I hate when I get so angry that I lose my call. You know, you get to a point you're like blurt out in frustration, something. And the kids, like, they obviously don't enjoy it at all. Mine just ignore me, sir. Damn it. It's the best. Actually, Lola was kind of like, shut up, you lose.

Yeah. I was just like, oh, chill out, bro. And I was like, I was just, I was, the disrespect. I was like, how many times do I need to fucking ask? Like, one. more time than you did. Like, seriously, every time. Like, it's so annoying. And I was like, so annoyed at them. And then Lollett's got a bit of attitude. Marley's a bit upset. We're late for Spanish now. We've probably missed the whole class. And so the last moment of us together for that

weekend was me getting pissed off. Fair enough. And then I was like, walking them into school, being like, I love you guys. Yeah. They're probably talking shit behind you back in Spanish. Yeah. But I drove back home and I was like, like, it sucks. it sucks. Because also I kind of said to the girls that, hey, we're going away, but I don't know if they, how much do they really take in? Not a lot, obviously.

Yeah, it's like, I know what you mean, but it's like, they're probably walking to school and have completely forgotten that interaction. Oh no, by the afternoon, it's long gone. But I had to, I was like, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't, I shouldn't have sworn just then. I shouldn't have gotten angry. I was like, but you kept whipping me.

Yeah, at some point, you're letting stick up for yourself. Like, at what point are you just like, getting whiff? by your employer pretty much like your kids are just like and you can't say anything back and I'll throw things out the window I'll do it and I've done it Laura was like how was the drop off and I was like I got angry and she was like why it's the drop off for the weekend you're not going to see them again until Sunday night you weren't there yeah I was like I was getting whipped yeah fair I don't have a problem with this they were whipping me Laura what am I meant to do

it's just hard yeah I know what you mean by leaving it on a sour no but like they're forgetting and also don't whip me and we won't be here. So annoying. It's so annoying. And then the fucking driving down to Illa-dala, I was just like, the guilt the whole time I was like. The parent guilt. Is that why you called me for a per cut up? Did I call you? You and Law called me for a per cut up, yeah. I think it was a butt dial.

Was it? I go here going, oh, baby. Well, baby, bupah, bupah, but it was lovely. Laura and I, we've been together for a long time. We've had Marley for my seven years now. I'll tell you what a long time. Diamies. Yeah, it's your first trip, or, like, in, like, general without him. Since Marley.

Since Marley, we've been seven years since we've had two nights away. Once you get a taste. It's pretty good. It's fucking so good. Can I tell you what's easier with no kids? No kids? Everything. Everything is easy.

We got there. We unpacked the car in, like, two seconds. We, like, sat down, like, just enjoyed each other's company. You're like... You like each other again by the end. of it. Can I give you an analogy? Yeah. Okay. I feel like kids are on this plane, which is the family, right? Okay. Okay, you're with me? Is this a 9-11 joke? No. Okay. Carry on. Love, that's where your mind goes. That was 20 years ago, guys. I think kids are on this plane, right? Which is being piloted

by mom and dad. Okay. And the relationship is the engine that keeps this plane flying. You lost me. But yeah, go. And it's so easy, I think, with a relationship with kids, that so much of the communication between you and your partner is literally just around family logistics. Like Laura and I, we obviously have, we have little moments, but so much of our chat together is like, who's picking up the kids? Are you getting them from gymnastics? What are we having for dinner? We've got a birthday party in the weekend. You've got to get a present. Also, we need to get the car service.

The insurance is due. It's just the logistics of family life is 90% of what we talk about. She's admin chat. That's it. That's it. It's essentially a roundtable meeting. Right? And yes, it's important.

But if that is all your relationship is based on, it's not a super healthy relationship. For me, anyway, for me and Laura. You're like co-workers. Exactly. And so you have time away where you don't have to talk about all the admin side. And it's just about the two of you, we get to enjoy each other's company. Oh. So much better.

The wind in our sales is lower a boat. It's a slippery slope because then you're like, let's go away without these kids again. Yeah, I was like, let's never take the kids anywhere. Have you seen the movie, This is 40? They go away on a date, like stay one night away. And they, before going away, it's just chaotic. They're fighting. They're at each other.

They hate each other, essentially. Then they go away for this one night. And they, obviously, there's nothing with no admin. They're just enjoying each other's company. They're loving each other. And they pull in the driveway and the door opens and the kids are like, one of them's like got a shaved head or something like that. Literally.

Oh fuck. And it just starts again. Laura was like, when should we call the kids? And I was like, also we didn't tell the kids we were going to Allodala because they would have wanted to come. We said we're going to the city.

So we were like, if we call them, we need to be like in the car so they don't know where we are. Yeah. But I was like, we'll call the kids. Okay,

on Saturday afternoon. I was like, we'll give the kids a call. I'm just like, take a green screen with you. It's just the city. It's like you're in the news, you know?

There's a harbor bridge behind you. And shout out to our nanny because she had all the three kids and she's unbelievably good. But Buster had shut in the house. He's getting worse. Getting worse. Poppy was sick. So she called us and she'd just been vomited all over, all over the carpet in her room. And we were like, oh.

And also, Raspberry, the cat. I forgot about that cat. We have a cat as well. She pissed and Lola's bed. And cat piss stinks. Never done that. She was like, has the cat? Does she, like, pissing Lola's bed?

We're like, what? She's like, yeah, because I went into Lola's room and she's just pissed all through her blanket. So our poor nanny is just like up against it. And we were like, oh, do you want us to come home early? And she was like, no, no, I've got it. We're like, thank God. So was Nana there too?

Nana was very sick. Is she? Yeah, she's got the sniffles as well. It's going around. Nothing brings you back to reality faster than a sick kid or a pet that's, Well, don't ask me. Ask the nanny. Yeah.

She's just like shaking. We came home. She was like, see ya. I'm getting the hell out of here. But let me just tell you. It's the first time I've had pre-dinner sex in a very long time. Pre-dinner sex? Yeah.

It's up there. That's great. It's nothing like... It's better than post. Because post you're tired and full. You just bumping bellies when you're from it's post. Yeah. Sex is like running.

Right? No one wants to run on a full tummy. Totally. Well said. And when I've had that apple crumble... You're full of analogies now. Well, let's see what I know. Sex is like airplanes.

The engine room is a brilliant. In my head, the plane analogy made a lot of sense. Honestly, I think you just left the plane analogy aside when you got to like... I said it to Laura and she was like, that's really clever. And I was like... She's trying to sabotage us. Yeah. Hey, baby.

That's really good. Thanks, Papa. So that was the weekend. And I think... I'm jealous. Good weather, too. We're great weather. And it's one of those things that you're like,

why do we wait so long for this? I know. April and I are doing it every two days. Like, we're like, oh, not sex. Sex, but what? Whoops! No, like, we're like looking at holidays with no kids. Oh.

I am in need of that so bad. Sorry, Vic. Sorry, sorry. Well, let's petition to get Vic a free holiday. But how... Who's going to have the kids? Yeah, that's the problem. Oh, okay.

Will you guys take... Oh, no! No way! I'll pay for the holiday. Actually. I'm not taking... I'll pay for the holiday. You have the kiss. I'll have Lily. She hates you, though. She does not have me. Lily is Vic's daughter.

We tried to win over the other day. I think I won. With a scotch finger, I think I got her. There was a fierce competition because Lily's hard to impress, and these two are competing for her love. I know, I look over and Ash is feeding her. I was like, you bastard! You went in real hard. I kept my distance trying to keep... you know, keep a keen. And then when she was alone, this sounds terrible.

And she was sitting there nicely. I saw a biscuit at Channel 9 and I was like, you know who'd love this? And I looked at Lily and I was like, pointed at the biscuit like, and she was like, eh. From that point, she was like, yeah. I was trying to be a fucking kangaroo. And she was like, fucking shut up.

And then I got her a bag of popcorn. Just plate of your strengths. Yeah, food is definitely the way to her heart. Damn. Speaking about being away, The other week, we went to the state of origin, and I stayed at my grandmother's house because she lives not far from there. And I don't get to see you very often. What's her name again?

Olive. Olive. That's right. Yeah. What a name. Olive oil tattoo. Yeah. So I went to stay out of there for one night, one night only, which was absolutely painful because my dad was out there too.

What was the first question that he asked? Oh, yeah. Okay. Both my dad and my nan have severe undiagnosed ADHD. It's unbelievable that any... Anything gets done. Doesn't fall far from the tree. If you spend some time with these two people,

you know exactly where this came from. You'll be like, oh, okay. All right. You and your dad are identical. Throw nan in. Oh, my God. And she's worked. And she's also so...

How old? 90 in January. That's incredible. But she's also such a manipulator. She's so quick with it. Like, she'll purposely mispronounce things so that you'll pick up on it. Especially I'll pick up.

Like, she used to say digital incident. digital but then I picked or dad picked up on it once so then she'll just toss it in there or she'll be like she can she can pronounce things like polymyalgia which is some disease she's got on her fingers but she can't pronounce like Uber

she calls it the Uber or the COVID was the carver anyway that's a silly bugger she's silly she's silly she's very funny she's very funny anyway so I walk in and the first thing not even a hello it's a can you freeze salmon

And I was like, what? What? This is your dad asking the question? That was dad. And the nan was like... Of course you can. Yeah. I was like, I don't know.

That's... I guess so. Like, hello to you guys too. And then they just went on about a salmon rant for the next half hour. But anyway, that's not the story. The story is I stayed out one night. That was a Wednesday night. Thursday night, I'm back at home.

I'm sitting in the lounge room. We have two bathrooms. We have the onsuit. Okay. And we have the spare bathroom, which is mainly what the kids used to shower. Must be nice. you've got like three houses how many bathrooms you got all together

hang on a second well I have two I own two bathrooms how many bathrooms do you own Matt three three bathrooms in one house let's not get bogged down the details

he's got like 10 bathrooms which one which master bath anyway I was in the lounge room and I could hear the shower going and my kid's shower your kid still bath or you're converting

still bathing still bathing yeah so mine shower and it's like okay Oscar in the shower Oscar out Macy in the shower, I was great. And there's an adult in there at all times, okay? They don't shower together?

No, no, no. Sometimes like... They fuck around too much. I turn around for a second and then half the bath is on the floor. And I'm like, fucking hell, guys. Again, hate swimming in front of the kids. This whole episode, you're like, fuck you guys. Anyway, so I...

Well, the only time they shower together is when we do like a movie night, we don't tell the kids. They go and shower a life set up the movie night and they come out and there's popcorn and stuff like that. Anyway... Good job. Ash and the popcorn. This is all April's idea.

I'm just a mule. Okay? I just get told what to do, pretty much. Just quickly, how does this relate to Olive, your grandma? What? This story. It's not, it doesn't. But I'm just saying...

And you tell me that I get bogged down in the detail. No, no, no, I missed... Okay, okay, I missed a vital part of information because I was at Nant's house. That's how it relates. Okay. So, anyway, I'm sitting there in the lounge room. I hear the shower going, and I think, okay, well, April's probably in there with one of the kids.

And then I see Macy run out of our bedroom. Out of your bedroom? Yeah, she was just in there, you know, Jarmi. She must have already showered or whatever. And April comes out after her chasing her with a hairbrush because she doesn't like to get her brushed. And I'm like, okay, yeah, no, I was kind of didn't think anything of it. And then I was like, who's in the shower then?

The shower goes off, turns itself off. I was like, what the fuck? Anyway, Oscar walks out. Old mate showering himself for now on. He walks out, he's like drying his hair like he fucking pays the bills. And I was like, what are you? you doing? And April's like, yeah, he just decided that he wants to shower himself from now on.

I was like, what the fuck? Mr. Independent. I missed the memo on that one. And he's walking out. He's just like, there you go. There's a total locked in his bedroom to get changed. Hanks his towel over the chair. I was like, am I not needed here anymore? It is weird when the kids all of a sudden, like, Marley this morning, she was just like breakfast.

She's like, I got this. And I was like, but this is my job. That's what I do. Don't take this from me. Yeah, that's all I've got. And she's like, now, even. And then when it came to making a lunch, she's like, uh-uh, I'll do it. I was like, you can't, you can't cut a fucking apple. Gets out the chef's knife.

Yeah. I got it. It's weird how the kids just, like, all of a sudden, they just want to be independent. Just grow up. I was like, do I have a roommate now? Like, that's what it felt like. He came out of the shower and he was like, one towel around his waist, the other one he's drying his hair.

On his phone. He's like, he's like, he's like, he's going. He fucking carried on into his bedroom. And I was like, fuck's going on. How'd you turn the tap off? I was gone for one night. I know. You've grown up.

up. Maybe one more night, he'll move out. April's like, yeah, he's on night shift now. Yeah, he got a job, didn't you know that? I know, and then I was like the other night afterwards, I was like, all right, it's time to shower and I was like, who's in first? And I was like, well, I do believe it's majority's hard because I went in the other night first.

I was like, yeah, I remember, you went in on your own. That's right. And then he was like, yeah, I shower myself now. I'm like, okay. But I'm waiting. I'm waiting for him to accidentally turn the cold off and I'll hear the squeal of the hot water burning that poor boy's skin. I was like, make sure you turn the hot water off first. He's like, shut up, dad. He's like, I've got this, bro. I pay the bills.

You know what's going to happen next? He'll be showering you. That's the next. He's going to need a lot of soap. That's the next step on the circle of life. You're changing my nappy. Yeah. Hey, sucker. Yeah. How about that? I'm going to be, when that day comes, I'm going to be shit. Shitting. Right now, I'm pooping. Then I'm a shit. I'm going to clean these. Come on, we want to keep these life uncutelessness. Oh, sorry, God.

Oh, sorry, Big. Can I ask, how does it make you feel now that you're not needed? Like, does it feel like he's growing up? I don't think it's that deep. It was more like, yeah, I was like, you can cry. You wish. I feel like it's like little tiny micro jumps. Yeah.

Detachments. Yeah, micro detachments. He still needs me. He'd be nothing without me. That's what I like to believe. He's only fine. He's seven. I know, I was joking.

He's seven next week. Fuck, what about that? Marley's a week after, just to remind you. I know. I'm still looking for that venue hire because fucking everything's a bloody triple the price in Eastern Sydney. We were trying to be good parents recently. You and Laura? You're great parents.

Don't be ridiculous. No, I'm also, one of the thing that we don't really do a lot of is like disciplining. The kids will talk to us with a lot of. with a lot of attitude and we're like, we don't, yeah, I won't, won't put up with that. The consequences, there's not really a lot there. When a kid talks to me wrong, I'm like, yes. So the kids are being a bit cheeky and we were like, and it was a night where we'd pre-planned a trip to the RSL, which they love.

It's like their favorite, on a Thursday night. Icebergs? North Bondi RSL. Oh, it's closer. It's got the indoor playground. They love it. Is it real echoey? No, it's great.

It's great. And also, they love. it's the only RSA that I've been to at 6 o'clock they do the last post and everyone has to stand up and face it. They do it. They do it really? Yeah. Like the kids are so confused. They love it. They love it. The first time though they're like Oh yeah, yeah. Oscar's like, what does everyone fucking do it?

Even I was like, what's happening? I know. They're like face the west. I'm like, where's the west? Which way is it? I'm indoors. There's no windows in these places. But also some of the kids when they're laughing, you're like, you've fucking got to respect the handsacks. I know. As there someone's feature on a poke, he goes off. But the kids are being really naughty And we're like, you know, that's it. You're staying home, Marley.

You're not going to the RISL. I love this. And I was like, we've got to, we've got to teach her a lesson. And as Jen Muir, the Oracle would always say, the tantrum is just a lesson being taught. Okay. We're like, we're not going to cave. Also, once we've like put it out there that she's not going, kick and scream all you like, doesn't matter.

I love that. The decision's being made. It's final. We're not going back on it. End of. And then Laura and I were like, oh, fuck. who's got to go the RSL? And I was like, I don't really want to go if you're not going.

But then Laura was like, you go, you take Lola. And I was like, oh. She definitely never wanted to go in the first place. And Lola was like, I want mum. And Laura was like, I'm going to stay at home with Miley. Because I did the disciplining with Miley. So I don't want you to then be fun times dad with her at home. So I'm going to stay at home.

And so Lola was like, oh, like, got to go with this guy. What about Poppy? No, she stayed at home with Laura. Okay. I thought Lola was all about you now. She was like, I was trying. Not alone. trying to get her into it.

I was like, Lola, it's date night. You and me on a date. And she was like, oh, yeah. And so it was really cute. Like, we, like, took a couple photos together. She was dressed up real nice. It was having a great time. And I was like, do you know what?

This is what it's all about. So one-on-one. This is really important stuff. And then she turned on me. I always do. She went into the... I always say, don't ruin it. And they're like, you watch me fucking ruin this.

It was going like, it was like, imagine a first date where everything is just going perfect. Everyone's having a good time. Would you give her a rose? Oh, 100%. But then they have a TV now in the play area. That's a recall back to you, Bachelor days. That's I wasn't the Bachelor for those wondering. Once the most eligible Bachelor.

So you're going to know. In Australia. Well, check it out. It's on YouTube. It's not actually. The crying bit is, thanks to me. But she was like, I want one more episode of Bluey because Bluey was playing in the play area. And I was like, okay, one more episode.

So the episode of Bluey finished. And I was like, cool. Let's get out of here. It's time to go. And she was like, fuck this. I'm legging it. It runs into the playground. I was like, there's a couple of parents there as well.

You know when you're that parent, you're like, you come down right now. And I'm like vocal in the playground. And then Lola's like, fuck you. You fucking loser. And I was like,

you gotta come down this second. And then like, it's this Mexican standoff where she wasn't budging and the parents were like, and I'd like smile at the parents. Like, Oh,

did you have to climb in there? I tried. She was escaping me. I can't get in there. It's so hard. I'm not one. Okay, a couple things.

I'm not that flexible. And I honestly, maybe 20 kilos less, I could get in there. What sucks is when you try and punish your kids, try and teach them some consequences, but then you as the parent end up suffering the most. It's a thankless job, Matt. That's why it makes it so hard. Yeah, realistically, it's a thankless job.

And you shouldn't yell at your kids in public unless you absolutely have to. Thank you. I needed to hear that. No, so in the end, I had in my arsenal of tricks to try, and get my child to listen to me, I only had one option left. Abandonment. I was like, well, I'll have to live life without her. It only really works if they've got a fear of abandonment like Oscar.

I don't think Lola does. But I was like, I had no other option. And I was like, well, got my keys out and like dangled the keys. And I was like, I'm just going to leave. You did the key dangle. Have a good afternoon. See you, Lola. I'm heading home.

And I just turn my back. And I was like, please, please, please, please, please. Did she come quick or did she creep? Well, I was slowly walking out. I think the parents also who in the playground were like, oh, fall, is this kind of fucking... The people that were like, oh, I know this move. I've seen this move before.

Let's see if it pans out for him. You've got commentators in the corner. And then I'm like, look over my shoulder. He's really going for it. In the top corner where she once was, she's no longer there. And I was like, where the fuck is she gone? It's an all or nothing move, that one. That didn't work.

It's embarrassing to come back from. I'd have to call Laura. Be like, can you come get it? Because I can't. I'm trying to think, like, have I done it to. Macy where it's like, I've had to be like, oh, the other day she wouldn't come. Like she was, I had to pretty much be like, I give you a marshmallow. After, so at the end of that was she got rewarded.

I know you don't have a marshmallow. Yeah, yeah. Show me it. Show me. It's in the car. No, it's not. So she followed me and I was like, I've finally done it. And then in the car ride home, she was like, you're the worst dad ever.

I hate you. And I was like, you're a bad kid so feeling mutual well the funny thing is Lola you really should yeah glass houses Lola

glass houses and then I came home and then Mali and Laura were having a great time as well so I came home with Lola being like I hate you and I was like yeah well that sucks no one had fun

then Laura and Mali like dancing in the living room and I was like of course you guys are having fun yeah you got sent down because you're a fun time dad and then they're having fun Do you think Marley learnt a lesson, though?

I don't know. I don't think they do. I don't feel like we're dishing out a lot of lessons. They're not learning. Tried to punish the child. I'm the one who got punished. And then you're the one who thinks about it and they sleep comfortably at night.

And you're like, was I too hard? And you're in your own head about it. Am I doing a good job? You're doing the best you can. I don't know. I know, you don't. Is anyone enjoying this?

I don't think so. No. Except for when they're like, I'm not coming down. They're enjoying it. They're going, I'm not coming. That's them clearly enjoying it. Matt, this segment is all about smart parenting.

Okay, so people are sending in what they do. I was like, don't look at me. What they do as a smart parent. And it's thanks to Audi. Good, different. This one's from Kate, Matt. When my kids don't want a bath slash shower, I use shaving cream on the shower glass.

They draw everywhere with no complaints, and the glass is sparkling clean. Poor dad. Where the fuck's my shaving cream gone? And I just got a beard. He's like, I wouldn't usually have a beard like this, but there's no shaving cream. Shaving cream is not cheap. No.

We got, do you know? Is it, Vic? Yeah. Do you use it? I don't, I just use the trim. Do you know what we got the other day? Go on. Accidentally got delivered someone else's shopping.

And it was shampoo. Anyway, the kids, frothed. It was a kid's shampoo. They're like, we want to use it. I want to use it. And they're in the shower. normally bathed with? Just, they've just got some soap.

Just cold water. Cold water. The hose, the hose out of the front. What is you been watching the kids? No, it was a really foamy one. What is this, Daddy?

Usually that, yeah, what is this? Clean. It's mine, hands off the shampoo. It was like, it would foam up. They were intrigued until it got in their eye, and then that was the end of that. But anyway. Apparently, the crayons,

the crayons, which people have recommended previously, gets in the ground. There they go that cheap grout. Just concrete your whole house. Don't want to make people panic if they have gone out already after the last episode. I know. I bought the coloured crayons for the bathtub. But just watch the ground.

Be careful of the grout. We really bumsteered people on that one. Everyone's just like, so who's going to pay for this grout now? I don't know. And then they'll come out and say shaving cream causes cancer and kids. Oh, sorry. Oh, God. They're pseuditing dads.

Oh, don't listen to anything we say. What do we got next? I just want us from McGahn. McGahn. McGahn. McGahn. Okay, you're going to be a bit shocked when I read this first. part, but just bear with me. She says, ice blocks for breakfast. You're going to need to elaborate

because that seems like a treat. Seems crazy, right? Crazy. Well, let me continue. I freeze smoothies into ice block molds. My toddler then thinks he's having ice cream for breakfast and I know he's full of nutrients. That's good gear. Do you reckon I could do that for like special treat after dinner? It's like, hey, you eat all your dinner, you get this ice cream? Do you do special treats after. Oh yeah, they're full of chocolate. Really? They get like a couple of little gummy lollies or... Me too. What do you mean, Vic? A couple little... Stop starving your kids, Vic. You're like, I'll give them half a strawberry.

Please, sir, can I have some more? Can you? And you're wondering why it's hard to get them to bed. Yeah, that's true, yeah. She's got it. Schooled. We once recently gave Louis a teaspoon full of chocolate sauce after he had his antibiotics. We gave our kids a teaspoon of dust. I was so thrilled Here's a treat to metamuse He was bouncing off the walls Because he's never had sugar before

I know you deprive the poor child How dare you judge Matt You're doing the best you can Matt Thank you I give him a two lead A bottle of coke Yeah yeah Yeah Here's a piece of stale bread

In the cupboard You're gonna have that Vig did say on another episode I'd give them some frozen fruit And I was like Oh You're one of those I think Yeah they're gonna come back

from their friend's house, just like, guess what Timmy's mom has? And we're like, I bet you it was not frozen fruit, like a brag, they're like, ugh. It's because you haven't seen my kids on sugar. Well, that, whose fault's that? No, I think it's genius. And I, yeah, if I could do it for dinner, my kids actually eat breakfast pretty well. It's dinner that

if I could blend up spaghetti bolognese and give it to them as an ice block, heaven. But I don't think they eat it. I'm going to try it as for a special treat, because I'm sick of them eating my ice cream, and that's my ice cream. And Daddy doesn't drink anymore. So Daddy needs his ice cream. This one's from Deb. Good-Aid, Deb.

Hey, go on. Hey, go on, Deb. We had, Debbie. Put, Deb, put the kettle on. It's got such, like, an at-home with Deb, vibe, doesn't it? Deb, we're the guests here. We're a lot of cattle on.

These poor donors, they were like, oh, my God, I think this is the episode where my hack gets right out. And we're just mocking their names. Oh, what did you have a going, Deb? When my toddler grandson's food is too hot. Good one, Deb. I use my handheld tradeies blower. Bloody Deb's got a trade-y-it.

Blower in one hand, kettle in the other. Oh, fuck, he's Deb with a fucking Nikita blower at the other cell. Watch that. Hit me, I got it. Do you guys have El-Gray on the menu? Okay, Rebecca.

What do we got? Okay, my kids are a little bit older, nine and 13. Oh, way to brag, Rebecca. Hear me out. When the kids have OD'd, oh, God. Okay. When they've OD on screen time and they are fighting, I flip their safety switch.

Then it's, mum, the power's out. Mum, the internet isn't working. And I'm like, oh, I don't know. It is literally a circuit breaker. It's genius. It turns the power off. I reckon there's one PowerPoint in our house that if I turn both switches on, it trips it anyway. So I'm just like, as soon as the kids give me the shits, I just hit that and does a

same thing. So I think it's good gear. That's a great gear. It's great gear. Vic, ever done that one? No, I don't even know where the switch is. Unbelievable. Classic. Classic. Does Dan, does Dan know? Weaponizing confidence. Does Dan know? Of course he bloody does. He built the thing. Yeah. We've just moved, so I haven't figured that out yet. We've got, have you got the parent timers on like, yeah. What screens? Not yet. Like a screen. Like if your kids watching a screen, it's like got a timer and it. They don't have screens, my bro. Oh, no screen's just the TV on the weekend. Oh, under that, yeah.

Just a joke. Just a joke. If you think you're a smart parent or you can see yourself a smart shopper, take the Aldi IQ test today at IQ.orgaddy.com.com. And find out if you're a true grocery genius. Oh, not. Aldi, good, different. What fun we've had today.

It's been a journey. It's been great. It's been highs. There's been lows. Twist and turns. We never knew where it would end up. But here we are. Funny that.

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Hello at 2dottingdads.com. I think that's everything. Okay, goodbye. Bye. Two Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.