Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #237 We Didn't Sign Up For Homework

Episode Date: June 23, 2026

The boys are getting sentimental this week - after three years of recording everywhere from kitchen tables to borrowed spaces, they're finally settling into their very own podcast studio and enjoying the fruits of their labour. Ash shares the full, gruesome story behind his recent tooth extraction and how he narrowly escaped the clutches of the "tooth salesman". While, Matty is deep in the trenches of solo parenting, battling exhaustion, endless responsibilities, and two daughters who have somehow negotiated permanent residency in his bed. Plus, the songs that made us cry, the unexpected tracks that hit us right in the feels and a debate every parent can relate to: should we already be pushing our kids to do homework or should it stay within school hours? If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  Hosts: Matty J & Ash Wicks Producer: VicSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I don't know if you've ever done this. Go on. I was on the way to work because this is what we do for a job. And I was on Macy drop-off. But I just went straight past the Kendi and started coming here. Macy was like, where are we going? And you're like, holy shit. I was like, oh, what are you doing to the car?

No, I was like, oh, fuck, I would turn around then. Shit. Lucky I didn't hit like a road where I've got like, even when I was Sydney's like you take a wrong turn. Oh, God. You're on the harbour. Every wrong turn in Sydney, you end up on the harbour bridge. What's the deal?

What's the deal? with that. I've also done it before where I've had no kids in the car, not a daycare day, and I've left and just got an autopilot just like driving a daycare. Oh yeah. And I'm like, what am I doing? Have you gone to do the pickup and realize that someone else was already... Oh, that's the worst.

The shame when you walk in and you're like, I'm trying to find Marley and they're like, she left half an hour ago with her mother. And you're like, yep. Yeah, I know. We're still together. Back to two-yiding dads. I am Maddie J. And I'm Ash.

And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. it is the bad. And the relatable. And we won't give advice. No. But Ash, I want to just for a second, just for a hot second,

acknowledge where we are right now. We are in a new studio. Yeah, which people would know that if they heard. Monday's episode. But YouTube. But YouTube, you can now see the studio in all its glory. But I think,

and I'm going to be sentimental for a second, if I may. Okay. I think it is so easy, not just with work, but in life. you're just constantly trying to get to the next, to the next, to the next. You know, and when you have these little achievements,

you don't get to enjoy them that much because you're just like, fucking on to the next, right? Like we literally, we finished setting up the studio for last episode. The second we finished, like putting the last pop plan in, the last photo frame up, we then had to set up the camera, start recording, get the episode done. Just, you know, we didn't have a moment where we were like, this is, I think, a really amazing achievement.

And I'm so happy of where we're at. Oh, yeah. I mean, two and a half years of, recording in... Three! We did a little bit out of the studio you're right.

Two and a half years of just doing it out of a house with mainly your house and then my house here and there and then, we came along and we moved to a studio which actually gave us

the taste of the good life. Yes. This is pretty nice. And then at first we thought we could never afford it and then we realized how actually affordable it is. In North Sydney.

And I was like, give us two or three studios. But it has been like we officially got the keys for this or a month and a half ago. Yeah. And we've taken that long to get in. And we've been chipping away.

Dan, Vic's husband, did a sensational job. Really, really helped us out. It wouldn't be possible without him. But then, you know, you've had moments you've been here by yourself, painting. I've done a run to Kmart to buy some plants, fake ones. Which is, honestly, the place wouldn't have come together without this. It's great.

The $12 light bulb was a highlight. But also, I just want to acknowledge as well, you know, whilst we do this, not for the numbers, not for the stats, not for the rankings. We do not for the love of the game. Yeah, me too. But, you know, we've never had as many Dota's listening to this podcast as we do right now. Very true. It's amazing to see the community grow.

If you've just joined us, welcome. If you've been here from the very start, thank you so much. It sounds like a dick when I say this. But I'm so proud of the product and proud of us. So I just want to acknowledge that. we are this is what's that saying where they say i'm going to do another shit now he's it an airplane podcasting is like an airplane it's like a box of chocolates three years ago when we started when you said hey let's do a podcast and i was like fuck that but if you had said to me hey just so you know if you do

start this podcast with this little ash wicks over here wicklesworth as i sometimes call you you're going three years have your own studio have an amazing producer have an awesome team that the video. Shout out to Ness, Locky, Vic, you guys who's such an amazing job. I'd be like, shut the fuck up. Here we are. And here we are. Just like that. You've got to believe, Matthew. Just like the airplane analogy. You've got to believe

that it works. Although I did forget something really important. Oh, fuck. When I got the pictures done, it was a rush, right? It was a big rush. I got the photos printed. Posted a little story being like, oh, look at these beautiful photo frames. And a few people were like,

one lady goes, as the youngest in the family. Can I just say, is there a photo of poppy somewhere? And I was like, of course there is. There's a lot of shirtless photos of me and you in this place. There's more shirtless photos of Ash than there are photos of my youngest child. There's none of my kids in here whatsoever. No, actually, you're right. That makes you feel a lot better. Yeah, I just wanted photos of me. Fair. Max, what happens here? Max. Max. Me? So he will always look over. The formula, is the driver for Red Bull? Formula one? He's a four-time world champion?

I mean, we couldn't not record with him in the room. I know, we need, good thing he's here. Oh, and we have a photo. Oh, yeah. Of, that was a very first ever record. There it is, at the table. Anyway, moving on, very well said. Thank you.

Speaking of hats. Yeah, we are all wearing hats. We are wearing hats. And you're probably thinking, why? It's very sunny. We put a whole skylight in the new studio. Well, it's funny that we could afford the studio, but not the roof. No, it's terrible.

Anyway, moving on. These aren't really for sale yet. Think about how long it took us to renovate a studio. Just imagine how long it's going to take us to actually make enough hats to sell them as merchandise. I know. We've got samples. Yes, we are. We've all got a different hat on.

That one says doting. This one says doting. That one says school run race club, which I'd very much like. We don't know which ones will put into production, but we're thinking about it. If you have any opinion, let us know. Yeah, hats coming, 2030. Nice. Ash, very quickly.

Is there any song out there that makes you cry? Like, so sometimes a little bit of motion. Chube by Coldplayers got me there before. I really had to concentrate though because I'm not a big cry. You know that. I was like, I'm like, God damn it, cry.

Fiction it's when it's like really hits its straps. It's like the guitar, the piano, everything comes in at once in that one spot. What are you thinking about? Where's your head at when you have that little spark of emotion? That's a good question. Nothing. I'm just trying to,

it's like everyone else seems to have full emotions. Why can't I? I'm like, I don't know. Honestly, I don't, I actively avoid crying just because I don't do it that much, I guess. Fuck, I wish I cried less. You know what song made me cry? Katie Perry, raw. That's pretty good.

In the right context, I see that. It's powerful. It's a powerful song. It evokes emotion. You're going to see me, or hear me raw. See me raw. Yeah. You're going to hear me roar.

Oh, oh, oh. I get it. And I just, I'm in the car by myself. I'm like, you're like, get a girl. The world is going to hear me raw today. Get out of the car and I'm like, shut up.

It's about my kids. I'm like, girl power. Okay, all right. Not about it. It's not about myself. Oh, I thought it was you. You're like, get wherever you're going on. They're going to hear me roar today.

And you walk in and you're like, right, shut up and sit down. Okay. Sorry. Vic, any song makes you cry. This conversation's making me cry. Oh, my goodness. I was in the car on the weekend with my kids,

and we were listening to old school Taylor Swift, and Love Story came on. Really? And we were off. It's a love story. Maybe just say, yeah. Maybe Maddie, your hat is looking pretty good on your head, and so is yours, and so is my hat.

This is a... Yeah, that's pretty good. That's the song. That's much better. But I was singing with the kids and they love old school Taylor. And I don't know, something about it was starting. Like, the more I sang, the more I could feel it like coming up. And then I started crying while I was seeing.

I was like, what is going on? But actually now. So the kids like, Mum, are you okay? Well, they're in the back seat. They can't actually see me. I was hiding it from them. Oh, my mom's crying again. Probably.

Do you think it's us? No. Maybe it's suppressed feelings of the fact that I'm not married. Well, you're engaged though. Yeah. Look, it's not all it's cracked up to be, if I'm honest. It's the same thing. There's no difference.

It's not legally binding. It is fun though. It is fun. There was a moment, maybe two months before the wedding was going to take place and we're still fucking trying to organise everything. And I was thinking, why the fuck are we doing this? This is just... Don't tell Laura that and I would remove them.

No, because she was the same. And I was like, are you enjoying this? Honestly, I want my money back. I want my money back. The pre-wedding stress. The pre-weding stress is real. But then when you have, it's nice to have all your friends there. It is nice to, and them get pissed.

on your dime. That's it. Yeah, that's pretty much all that. It's pretty much just throwing a party. We can throw you a party. How about that?

And you get married? I am one third through a celebrancy course. Ah. That I've put on hold. I might go back to it. Would you do that? Another one of Ashes hyperfocuses. Remember I was doing that?

I was working, starting this podcast and finishing that and I put it all on hold to do this. Do you think you'll ever marry someone? I don't believe in the institute, so probably not. Good for business. Could be great for business. There's a few things I want to do. Yeah.

We're like Jim's mowing, you know, like Jim's antennas. We're like... Jim's marriages. Yeah, two dotting dads, marriages. Two doting dads. It's just both of us up there. It's like, do you really need two of you for this job? Yes.

What about this? Because there is a song that repulses me. Like, it actually makes me feel... It must be something psychological. I know who worked it at what it is. I know exactly what song it is, which I used to love this song. What is it? It is Phoenix.

Oh, even saying it. I love it. See... Stop it right now. Like a line, like a ride. Oh my. God, I hate it. I can't get through it if it comes on. I can deal with this because your thing is terrible.

Is it that? Oh my God, shut up. Actually, I'm, actually, actually, if I'm somewhere and they put that song on and I don't have control over whether I can change it. You're going to leave? Oh, see, that song makes me kick off and start dancing. Yeah, see, it used to.

And I do recall a time when I went to, I was, I think I was 19 and I saw them live. They're great live. Oh, so good. Great lines, so good. And I really, really love them. But I don't know, something about it triggers my brain. It's like when you have too drunk off one type of drink and you have a bad experience, that drink is then ruined.

Like tequila with April. Oh, yeah. Black Sambocker. That'll do it. That's a bit licorchy for my life. It'll do it. Hey, I talked a couple of weeks ago about the fact that Marley is obsessed with an artist called Zara Larson.

She's coming out to Australia. Her tour sold out in seconds, minutes. I do sell out things down here because in the past we haven't got as many good people coming. But now with the resurgence of the internet, that thing caught on the internet. Finally, Australia figured out the internet. Even though it's terribly slow. So fucking slow. We haven't got there yet.

But we now were like, oh, we know who people are. And they get here. She had the Horton, which is a very small venue in Sydney, added another date, upgraded to the kudos. She's upgraded from Horton to Kudos. And it's sold out. And someone messaged me, a Dota. said, hey, we're doing a fundraiser. There's a silent auction.

You can bid on two tickets. And I was like, fuck yeah, great. And Marley's birthday was coming up. Well, you're thinking, hey, I might get it a bit cheaper here. Nice. I was like, like, how many people want to go see Zara Larson? Would you see it? No, probably not.

I was like, she's not that big. Fuck me. Jesus. I mean, in the silent auction, there was maybe like 60 things to bid on. So I did my first bid, opening bid, 500 bucks. For two tickets. And they, I couldn't tell if they were like VIP or not. Because I was like, it just says,

plus food and drink. Oh yeah, that'd be like catered. But I was like, I could swallow that. And also it goes to charity. I could swallow $500 worth of food, that's for sure. Carry on. Very good. Guess how much they went for?

$5001,000. $1,000. I wouldn't want to say it that much. Nah. I thought about it. I was like, no. For a split second, I was like, could I? No, absolutely not.

Not going to happen. Well, I have just bought tickets to Harry Stiles. How much was that? Well, I think they're about $300, maybe $250. See, that's worth it? That's what Harry Stiles is iconic Look Zara, you'll get there Keep out of babe, you're doing great

Well she is doing great But I think Thousand dollars great Thousand dollars great might I add Well that one person But I would say Harry Stiles is way bigger of a superstar Like in terms of his portfolio at this stage

But did you say portfolio? Did you say diversified portfolio? Well he is He was an actor Yeah he's very diversified Dunn Kirk In Dunn Kirk he was great Well I have a question for you actually

because you're thinking of taking Mali to Sarah Larson. I'm contemplating taking Louis to Harry Stiles. I thought about that, but I thought it's maybe a bit too... Sexual. Too sexual. I don't know. I panicked. You know what Harry?

I've seen clips. Harry's a big, actually like... Harry's a big nudist. Yeah, he's a big old, like, gets his cock out. That I'd see. That I'd pay $1,000 to see. He keeps saying, oh, put Harry Styles on in the car. And then we went to Vivid recently.

and we went to the light show that they do at Darling Harbour. He was like, get me out of here, I want to go home. This is too scary. The lasers are going to kill us. There's too many people around. And I was like, whoa, if you don't like this, then you're going to hate Harry Starz. Yeah, and when I was a kid, I got traumatized by fireworks.

Go on. The first one was, it was a New Year's Eve, and there's another song I can't listen to, which was, got to get up to get down, because they had the fireworks on behind her. And now when it comes on, like, I'm like, oh! Yeah.

I just, I don't know, I think just the, you're like a dog. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, anyway, then I was with, yeah, I was with Nan and we're at this big, like, fireworks show out West and Sydney, and the fireworks show started as the wind swung. Why did you, why did you go to a fireworks show? Because it was like a Christmas concert or New Year's concert

or some shit like that, and the wind swung and all the fireworks started coming towards us. It was like, Dunkirk. It was like, I was hiding under a dance. tar. Anyway. I will back you on that, though.

I was scared of fireworks as a child because they're very loud. There's always a lot of people around. It's an attack of the senses. So I get Louis, yeah. And also like... He thought the lasers were going to kill him. He thought they were like...

He's watched Star Wars. He thinks they're death lasers. You could get like a little laser pointer. Great awareness. And if he's not like getting dressed in the morning to school, you can be like, oh my God, look, love your lasers coming. Yeah, but then you might get stray catsy and like trying to chase a red dot.

You've got to be careful. Hey, can I ask you a question? Me or Vic? I don't know. He's looking at me. Who's podcast is this? I'm here. She's over there.

She's doing a great job over there. I'm looking at the people, my audience. Okay. Oh, God. Be honest. Be honest here. I had a birthday party that Miley was going to in the weekend. I went into the present drawer and I was like, fuff.

It's been a while since we've topped this up. We don't even have one. So you have to buy the presents. Abrot doesn't like clutter. Yeah. It is. One thing she will not stand for and that's clutter. But it is great.

when the present drawer is full and you've got a last minute birthday party and you're like, fuck, I'll just dip in that, get two things. Next time I'm over, can you show me which draw so that I can come over and claim a little present for myself? No. Whenever... They're kids present. Whenever Ash comes over, he like...

I'm just rummaging through things. I notice that when we're recorded there. Whoa! Hey, whoa! Whoa! Yeah, not to attack you. Okay, so I look in the present drawer. Snack drawers looking great, by the way. The kids are always like, Ash has been here.

I know. Yeah, yeah. So I look in the drawer. There's one thing there. And I'm like, this will work. What is it? A toothbrush. Nice.

Hygienic. Like a kid's toothbrush? Like a barbie. A Barbie toothbrush. Is it a boys party or a girls party? Boys party. Nice. No, it's girls party.

And Miley was being taken by another family. So I didn't get to like see the reaction of like. Oh, okay. Yeah. Even Mali was like, you know, what do we got here? Like opens up the bag and she's like, I think it might have been. Are you?

And I was like, what's the problem? And she's like, toothbrush? And I was like, yeah, yep. That's not a present, daddy. And she's like, really? And I was like, what's the problem? And she was like, what's the problem? But it's from the present draw.

Okay, yeah. I think maybe Nana just put it in there by mistake thinking it was storage. Anyway, so this girl's going to have great teeth. Oh, you actually just went through with it. I just gave it. Honestly, do you know what's probably happening? The parent of that child is probably like, this is actually really smart. I think, look, everyone's given toys.

You want to be the point of difference. You give them a toothbrush. And it's for hygiene. Who can be upset having a spare toothbrush in the house? It's great. In 20 years time when they're like, we have saved so much on dental bills because Matthew Johnson gave a toothbrush

to a 7-year-old on their 7th birthday and it changed her life. Now she's a dentist. Think of what you've done. Think of what you've opened up. Change the course of her life. Congratulations. Look at you praising dentists.

It's really taken a turn of how you used to speak about dentists. We will. We will get there. Let's go to, Vic, what do you got for us? What's happening in the news world? Well, I was, before we get into a breaking news, I love that as a present, actually. I'm actually for it. Okay, thank you.

I was like, am I a fucking bad parenting? No. My kids are desperate to have a new tooth. We go through so many toothbrushes. You're going to always just buy them a toothbrush. No luck. No, like. They're desperate for a toothbrush.

Vic, they sell them. We have, like, each kid has about four toothbrushes each. Yeah, my grandmother still has my grandmother still has my. toothbrush from when I was a child. And she tries to dish it out. That's disgusting. She's like, look! Every birthday party, the kids are like,

Mommy, was there a toothbrush? Sorry, kids. Maybe next year. And the tooth falls out of their mouth. Oh, okay. All right, well, this breaking news today might leave you a little bit concerned about your nighttime habits.

Oh, God. You just stop jerking it right before you go to sleep. It's bad for you. Staying up late to scroll through your phone at night isn't just a bad habit. New research links it to a significantly higher risk of early death. Thank goodness. Thank goodness.

Disrupted sleep cycles and blue light exposure interfere with cellular repair and cardiovascular health, creating long-term damage. Put simply, trading sleep for screen time could be shortening your life. Vic, if you want to try and give us anxiety, it's working. Seems like clickbait to me. Where did you find that? Scrolling? Link? Oh, I see.

But that's what I'm good at. It's what I do. I think if you're going to whip an article out, not you, if you're going to write an article like that and dish it out to people, you can't put it on the internet because you're contradicting everything that you're talking about. So you've got to put that out in print. Well, it's saying it's okay to scroll, just not right before bed. Don't fucking tell me what to do. Who wrote it? Facebook wrote it. Instagram. Yeah. You're like trying to stop people from doom scrolling because it's their whole business model.

You know what I have started doing? I've put my phone on charge downstairs at the kitchen. Good on you. In the brick that Ash got you? Yep. You didn't even open that. Okay, so Ash a little while ago gave me a present, which was very thoughtful.

For your New Year's resolution. It was a per spec box where you lock away your phone. Don't look at me like that. You can see it, but you can't touch it. A bit like our relationship. You can touch it if you want. He's that inclined. Just when you do, make sure you.

go boop. A little boop in the end of it. How long do you guys scroll for? I don't want to talk about it. Depends. Depends on how stressful the day's been. Always. Always a lot of scrolling.

Once I get my jobs done, once I've cleaned the kitchen, you know, then I can treat myself to a little doom scroll. I know. I get excited. It's dopamine. And then put Netflix on in the background. I'm not even watching that. I'm listening to Netflix while I'm doom scrolling.

But it's honestly sometimes when I'm like, I just feel a bit of a bit stress. I need a little pick me up. I have a little scroll. Give me that time. There it is. There it is. A little treat.

Oh, no, it is a little treat. Ash. Yeah. Your toothy tooth. The saga. The tooth, the mouth salesman got me again. So last week I told you about that I had got rushed to the emergency care, double dumped, and got some oxy-contin and had a really, really good time. But anyway, it was time to have the tooth out.

So I got the tooth out on the Friday. I was so anxious. So I just, I just don't like it. Because of all the bad things you said about. dentist on his podcast. I'm worried about he's going to be like, how about that? How about that?

But no, thankfully he's a professional. And so am I. I'm a professional patient. I'm just like sweating the whole time. I'm just scared, guys. About what? I don't know. I don't like it.

It'd be icky. I don't like the feeling of it. You're such a big strong boy. I know. I just don't like people rummaging around in my mouth. I fucking love it. I bet you do. Get in there.

So I went on a Friday morning and I thought, okay, well, let's just get this done. that's going to ruin me for the weekend. Can I see it? I can't really open my mouth that much. I'm a bit swollen on this side. A little bit swollen. It'll be swollen.

Were you scared about the pain? Was that a factor? Yeah. I don't know. Just the whole thing. I don't like being touched. But you like sex. Can I just flag?

Yeah. Fuck, I thought it is. This is why women are so amazing, not to just ruin your story here. But like, we go through so much poking and prodding and so many people touching our bodies. Like what? pain blood tests.

That was a joke. That was a joke. That was a joke. I'm so sorry. I'm poking pro April all the time, but she likes it. How often you ever pap smear? Okay, all right. Every two years?

Papsmear, okay, I'll be honest. Dental work is pretty much his pap smear work. They're opening up, okay, that's going to be disgusting. I'm not going to go any further with that. It is similar. You're opening something and it's uncomfortable. Yeah. See?

I know what it's like. Anyway, so I went, I did it. I got it done, but it was fucking, the dentist is in the middle of a shop. center right that's a red flag it's at the top it's just the guys like come here let me see down no they're lovely there they are but april came pick me up and i was so dozed up on valium and t hc that uh the door open i was like whoa like what are you doing here and then macy's head pokes around the corner and i just like lost it she's like daddy she's like daddy and then i remember walking through the shops and people were like looking at me like who's this junkie

as in that you guys had to go shopping for food no no no i had to walk through the shops to get to the car And I'm like, hurry up. Hoodie on. I was like, oh, fuck, we didn't need some milk and some bread. I was like hiding behind Macy. But I was like, she was like, you were so, you were trying to walk in a straight line with your lap. No wheelchair.

Nah, people were like looking at you and all sorts of shit. Yeah, that's Ash, I'm too dotting dance. So I went home. Yeah, people recognize you a lot. Do they? No one's ever coming up and saying hi or anything. They're just like, there's that guy, don't go near him. Because you're always like drugged up wearing a hoodie.

That sounds pretty good. That sounds pretty good to me. If you see me in public, I'm drugged up and wearing a hoodie. Anyway, so I left, went home for some R&R, but I don't really remember most of the day. I know that, like, April left me with Macy

and I was like half asleep and Macy was like having a rest to go pick up Oscar. And what I recall is Oscar coming home with April and Lenny was there, which is so all of a sudden we've adopted another child. There was two kids in the house. But I'm spaced off my head. And you're like, am I hallucinating?

Yeah, I woke up. the next day and I was like, was there another child here? No, like, yeah, Lenny was here. We were looking after Lenny for a couple of hours. He was helping us put the lolly bags together. Looking after Lenny or looking after you? I don't know. Lenny's like, is that guy, is he all right?

Yeah. Do we need to help him out? Yeah, and then I was like, oh, and I rang Lenny's dad. I'm like, was Lenny here yesterday. He's like, yeah, yeah, I came in. He gave me a big thumbs up at like six o'clock and I left. And I was like, sure. What?

So anyway. It erased your memory. Yeah, I was, I tell you what? Can we check, was there. the procedure successful. It was successful, but... The truth was extracted. The tooth was extracted.

What was wrong with the tooth? It was, it was a wisdom. It was fucking black. I forgot to bring it in. I do have it. Oh, show us a photo. It's at home. I was meant to bring it in.

Yes, then it's a photo. Sorry, I was. I've inquired to put it on a necklace for you. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, so I've asked a... Blast tooth. Yeah, I've asked a prestigious jeweler, Tony May. I mean, if I can put it on a necklace for me.

So we'll see. Apparently you've got sterilize it, but I was like, no. He won't want, he won't want them. I can put it next to Poppy's ablyicle cord There's a bit of Oreo next to it I've just got body parts next to my side table

Add it to my collection I just ask you mum for your foreskin Yeah If anyone breaks into my house They'd be like Oh my God They're like let's get the fuck out of here That's how you get rid of criminals

Can I ask did you go under? No so what they do is they give you like It's like a sleep It's like Vowlingham essentially But I was too nervous That I had double dumb gummies beforehand I thought If I'm gonna do this

I'm going to do it properly. God, isn't that dangerous? That's what April said, but I was like, live a little. Not if you die. Ah! Anyway, I get in and they leave you there for 45 minutes. And I was like, oh, great, okay, perfect time. I'm going to get to Doom Scroll here.

Uninterrupted. They're like, no, you can't have your phone because it's too stimulating for the... Because the drugs they give you could go either way. Oh, Mick, you were right. Not that I would have a question you. What were you right about? I just always like, that can't be right. But then they're not letting people scroll because...

It keeps you away. It keeps you too alert and like doesn't. Wow. So anyway, I had to sit there with my own thoughts. Oh, what was that like? Terrible. Like, who thought that would be a good idea? And I said to the nurse, I'm like, so you're just going to leave me here?

She's like, yeah. I'm like, please stay. Help. Help. She's like, what? I'm like, you don't want to be here? I don't want to be here. Okay?

And then. It's amazing how scared we are now of being in our own thoughts. Oh, yeah. I want to be distracted at all times. It's okay for some of it. But then sometimes you're like, once you pull on a thread that's a little bit dark, it's a bit fucked up. And it's like, then they walk in and scare me. They're like, check with me.

Ready for your procedure? And you're just there crying in the corner of me. I'll be like, ah, make it stop. Make it all the stop. It's like, you should have. You should let me scroll. I know, yeah, you should all that. Yeah, definitely.

I kept like, I was allowed to have my, I had my phone in there. But it was like on the other side of the room. Oh, that's a fucking tease now. No, but also they're like, do you want us to take it? I'm like, no, I can't live without it. No way. And while I'm in there getting a tooth extracted, can you attach this phone to me, please, permanently? But as soon as I lay down to get the procedure done, the salesman started to sell.

For anyone who's not familiar, Ash has always attacked dentists, the industry of dentists. And this dentist knows that. And I've been there before. Ash refers to them as mouth salesman. Yeah, or mouth mechanic. Neither one. That's an insult to actual mechanics. So what was he selling?

Last time I went, as you know, I had a tooth out here. Yeah. Okay. And now I've predominantly. chewed on that side because I knew something was wrong on this side, but I was too much of pussy to face it until it becomes a problem. Classic man stuff. Okay, much like your mental health. Sure. Make sure you check it on yourself. See what I did there? Very good. I see what you guys notice. Before I got this tooth out and I was there, I said, hey, what about we explore the option

of an implant? Because surely that would be cheaper if you're already there, like whilst he's taking one out, just pop a new one in. You think so. You think so, but there is a process to it. Anyway, I got the quote back via email before I went under. Yeah. It was like five grand for an implant. Are you got insurance? Are they helping out? No one's insuring this, bro.

Okay. Okay. I shit myself all the time. No one's interested. And Booper's like, no, get him out of here. Shout out to Bupa because they actually did insure me eventually. Anyway, so. There should be like options, though.

So, because my friend had to get a tooth out. And you can get the implant. I have a hospital. Whatever that means. You can get a gold tooth or a silver tooth. An ambulance. Can I get one of them in? I don't know what I've got.

I don't know. You've got picked up by an ambulance on the way to get back home. I don't know how insurance works. I don't know how it works either. No, with your tooth, you have options. I just saw a price. I was like, oh. Anyway, I haven't responded to the email.

And as soon as I'm drugged up and laying there with my mouth open, ready for a procedure, he was like, have you thought about an implant? I was like, I've just been in a room for two hours by myself and nothing but anxiety running through my head. My thoughts. Ask me then. Don't ask me now. Yeah, I was like,

huh? Oh, no. It was like, okay, well, we thought about maybe we can do step one of the procedure now, which is like they must like prep it. And then you come back when they've got the proper measurements and everything. So it fits nice and snug. And I was like, in my head.

But it's a wisdom to. There's no one getting fucking. In my head the whole time that you said something the other day, like dentist sales are down. In my head for an hour while I laid there. To the record, I never said that. You just. did because that's all I thought about.

For the whole time, all I'm thinking of is, gee, dentist cells must be down. Anyway, I'm laying there and he goes, he was like, have you thought about the implants? And my brain straight away went to this motherfucker. I had enough consciousness to know that what he's doing here is trying to sell to me while I'm under the influence, which is not fair.

And all I had was an answer was like, nah, no, no. And then he was like, oh, who's coming to pick you up? is April kind of pick you out and she's like, yeah, he's like, I'll talk to her about it. I was like, don't you take I need my beautiful wife.

You know what? Next minute I'm walking out of here with a bunch of gold teeth and I've re-mortaged the house. I'm so annoyed you don't have grills. I was going to buy some cheap like the Dracula ones. We're like,

but as I was leaving, I'm like distracted by Macy because she came and she was having a great time. And I look over and the dentist is with April with a 3D model on the screen. And I was like, we're going to go. We're going to get out of here.

We're not getting their fucking impound. Yeah, he's trying to, to be fair, to be fair, great effort. He really put in all-stop. He really wanted that cash. Points for trying. So I'm getting an implant in next week. But for you're pleased him to. No, no, it's through this, so on here.

That one. Remember that one? I got that one out. Show me. Ah. Okay, so don't show, don't show me. I've got an ulcer on the other side. Oh, he's got mouth issues.

Yeah, you're a bloody mess at the moment. Bloody mouth salesman trying to get me back. Do you reckon he like, nick? Yeah, I'm pervert. Basta. No tooth? Yeah. Honestly, I'm too spiteful to be a dentist.

Anyway, I've come out of a coma straight into the preparation of a seven-year-old soccer party. Sure, sure, sure. Which is the party of the century, which is nearly split this family apart. The transformation of Ash, he loves dentists, he's a hate birthday parties,

now he's fucking Mr. Birthday. I still hate dentists, and I still hate birthday parties. Okay. But sometimes you just got to play nice because it's just easier. So April has been planning this birthday party for fucking what feels like forever at this indoor soccer thing. Anyway, so we've got individual boxes for each kid with food.

She's gone all out on this thing, which I'm like to Oscar. Don't get used to this. So 24 or so kids. Boys only? No, there was some girls there from the soccer team. Yeah, it was mainly the soccer team and a couple of kids from his class. Anyway, so 24 lolly bags, 24 individual little snack box for. of these kids.

Good effort. I learned how to ice a cake on the spot, classic me, that was flawless, smooth. No one's ever seen a cake is good. Nobody. It was a little wonky, but... How dare you? It's nice of you to come, too, by the way. You didn't invite me.

I did put it out there, but I knew that you were... You did say, look, I'm single parenting. I was like, well, I understand. I completely understand. But I knew kids love lolly bags, but I did... He's good. He's good. And so does Ash.

And so does me. But I didn't know that there's one child who loves lolliebags More than anyone and I want to pick to see if you I'm gonna show you a video Yeah Of who you think likes lollie bags the most All right, who wants a lollybag? Oh my God What?

She comes out of nowhere Wow How's the pace on the girl? Look at the cadence, those little legs Is it indoor soccer court and it's just like, like vultures. Swarming.

And then out of nowhere they all run to this one little door to exit the field. And then there's one child. She's like 50 metres ahead of everyone else. She came out of nowhere. Love that. She's like running up the hallway too.

I quite like being up there. I felt like a bit of an overlord. Her children, of the prison yard. It's like if there's a riot, he just like pops up, popping them off. Who would like a lollaby? Yeah.

Unlock the door. And she's like, whoa. Great result. Yeah, so lots of presents, lots of kids, lots of screaming. But we all went home and nap for like three hours and then now woken up and Oscar's sick. Lacey's sick. Everyone's sick at the moment.

If you're not sick, consider yourselves one of the lucky ones. It's coming. It'll get you. You know what's really sad? What's that man? It makes me a little bit sad. I didn't realize this, but in Lola's kindi class, there's only four girls, including Lola. and the whole class.

How many kidney classes are there, though? Three. There's a real shortage of girls in that year. That's the same as Louis's year. Isn't that girl? We've got too many. Yeah, it's like there's some sort of boy baby boom like in 2020. And the repercussions of that I'm now realizing is that there's just not that many birthday parties

because the boys are doing, like, Lola. That sounds amazing. No, but no, but for Lola's not a little. For Lola. She didn't get any at daycare and now. She was just good at all. She's going. Marley had another birthday party.

There's heaps of girls in her class. And Lola was like, I never get to go to birthday parties. And I'm like, oh, it breaks my heart. What about Shaz? Yeah.

She goes to a lot of birthday parties, well, she's in another class. Oh, so Shaz is my niece. She's the same school, same year, but in another class.

Can't they just group all, I mean, group all the girls together and then you'd have heaps of parties? That's not going to happen. It's always going to be per class, not per year. Okay.

Because then it's like boy and girl parties, like. All the boys have boy parties. And there's no girls. Because there's poor girls. That's not right. Kindie should be a whole class. Yeah.

Isn't that the unspoken rule? Is that a rule? Is it a rule? In kindergarten. You should have the whole class because otherwise people like Lola get left out. What if it costs a living? So yes, I've taken that into consideration. When?

When did you take that in just after I've said it? No, because Louie, I gave him the option. I said you can have a whole class party or you can have a special day with your two closest mates. So he chose special day. Yep, smart. Love that. Cheaper too. Yeah, you're like convincing him.

You're like, or you can have a really special day. Oh, yeah. Yeah, big old party, kids everywhere. Oh, look, lollies, louis. That take everything. You don't want people here. We're going to go to the aquarium. We're going to get happy meals.

And then we're going to go to the playground and then have ice cream. Like, that's way better than party. Can we come? Can we come? Well, maybe if I was invited to Oscar. Oh. You don't want to go to that. There's fucking kids everywhere.

You don't want to go to that. shit show. Poor little Lola. Yeah. I invited her. Macy was there. There were a couple of girls there. There was Eliza, Rosie, Ivy.

All the girls were my favourite because they're like, yeah, what's up? High five and all the boys are like, I fought it. Shut up. And then they'll like throw a ball at my head. There was a lot. I'll tell you one thing though. Please. With a party like a soccer party, lots of tears.

And just out of the blue, they whack the lights off and put the disco lights on. There's like there's balls flying everywhere. there's kids like, who's idea in an arena with a ball sports to turn the lights off? Oh, they're just like, how do we get through this next hour? I don't know, turn the fucking lights off.

And then they get the glow stick. You know kids like with close sticks. Oh, that's like crap. So it gets in your eye. If you ever had that, oh. Actually, do you know what? Do you know what we did on the weekend, which the kids loved?

Go on. We went to our neighbor's house and they've got a big old trampoline in the backyard. And I feel like this is an activity that will never be able to be replicated again with the same level of success. But we gave the kids a chance. beach of bubble liquid.

Ah, yeah. You know, that shit lasts like 30 seconds, at the most. Yeah. And then they had a heap of really cheap beach balls blown up in the trampoline, which had like a net surrounding it. And then the kids just slipped and slided, if you will. In the trampol. Slipped and slid.

Perfect. On the trampoline. They slipped and slipped and slid. And then the dad of the house is very handy, and he's managed to get the garden hose hooked up to the hot water so he can squirt them with warm water. Oh, that's good gear. And the kids were loving it.

I was literally like, we should go and I was like, hang on a second. It's like a shower. There's no need for a bath. Yeah, and they'll be so tired. I was like, gee, oh, your kids really smell like clean dishes. Oh, yeah. And they jumped on that trampoline for like 45 minutes. That's so good until it gets in their eye.

I know. And I was waiting for his work. Goggles? It was quite dark. I was like, a kid's going to fucking jump into another kid. Walked away without an injury. It was a miracle, a parenting miracle. It is a parenting miracle.

That is, honestly, trampolines could go either way. The kid next door broke his leg. We have had it before where there's a zipper of the barrier. And if someone doesn't do the zipper up, gets double bounce. Fuck. Absolutely. Yeah, we used to have a trampoline the amount of times I'd have to check the zipper. Oh.

And like little kids, they want to bump into each other and stuff too. Oh, yeah. So bump them straight out the door, especially little Macy. She's been double-bounsela. Well, why she? To Tracy. She's been double-bounce a lot. And she's like a just like a ball of meat in the air.

She's like in the air. Such a beautiful way of describing. A ball of meat. What's mostly like? It's a big ball of meat. Yeah, a big hairy ball of meat. But no, it was a miracle. And because I was thinking to myself, oh God.

You know, Laura is still away at the moment. No, no, don't need it. Don't need it. The claps are getting softer and like more weak. This is probably the last time I got a round of applause. So I appreciate it. But I was like staring down the barrel of doing bath by myself with three kids. Not anymore.

They're all soaped up. And I was like, but it was a miracle. But I did. We still have little pinch points. Bedtime is the hardest part because you're like, you're just juggling act. Juggling act, you know, trying to like get poppy down. She's not going down. The other kids are still making too much noise.

You're like, trying to fuck up, trying to get poppy down. And I came in, finally got poppy down, came in. And I was like, oh. I was like clearly exhausted. and Lola looks at me and she's like, you're doing a good job. Oh. I must have made a real like...

Real sigh. Oh, my God. Oh, what next? Who's the fucking story? My kids are more like, what's it wrong with you? No, she was like, you know what, how are you doing?

Hang in there, pal. Hang in there, pal. And I'm hungry, by the way. While you're at it, while you're down at your lowest, you're doing a good job, but I'm hungry. No, I needed it.

That's beautiful. Yeah, that is nice. Someone did say you've got to let them know because she, I was like, I'm by myself here, guys. You know, I'm doing the best I can. And Lola, it was so weird, rolls reverse. She was like, don't worry.

Mommy will be home soon. And this will all be over. It definitely won't be over. But we'll make you think like it's all going to be okay. I was like laying in her lap and she's like, hang in there. Have you had many of them in your bed? Every night. Yeah, okay.

All right. Marley, yes. Lola, yes. Poppy, as far as I know, she's sleeping through. And that was my biggest concern because I was like... You're such a deep sleeper. I was such a deep sleeper. And Laura was like, just like, please, if she makes noise, get up.

And I was like, I don't know if she is. I'm asleep. I can't. I know. And that's the thing. We don't have, we don't get the same thing that mum gets, which is, I can't hear the busy main road at the front, but I'll hear the murmur of my child. Like, I'll hear that. I went through a phase where I could just like know what every noise in my house was.

I'm quite a light sleeper, unlike you. I can hear every, I know when a kid's just moving around in their bed. I can hear the slight creak of that particular bed. So like the ladder on the bunk bed, one of the screws is missing, which I found in Macy's bed. She's trying to planting a prison escape or some sort of shit like that. And I was like, I know the exact noise it makes when someone's foot touch. touches it and I hear that and I'm like back to bed. And you hear the scamper back up.

Just autopilot. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, door shut, headphones on the whole bit. I'm like, go back to bed and it's like, damn it. And I can't. Yeah, there's like also my shoddy tradesmanship where I've done a bit of flooring as a bit of a creek. What's with you on the missing screws? Not to have a go at you, but like everything, everything's falling apart of my house.

The chairs that you made here, you're like, the screw won't go in. There's always one screw. There's always one screw doesn't line up. So I've just given up. I, it's, it's kind of like an analogy. In life, there's always going to be one screw that doesn't go. Well said. Well said.

But yeah, Laura's like, how's Poppy sleeping? And I'm like, yeah, she's up a few times. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Once or twice. Never let them know how good it is and how easy it is. First two nights, I wake up at like 6.30 when Lola wakes up. And I'll be like, oh, fuck. I have a third.

I run into a room and let peek in and be like, oh, thank God. Check it pulse. Right. It's bloody stressful. But she's sleeping like a champion. Oh, how good. And then, well, she won't have the scent of, she's not breastfeeding anymore, is she?

No, all in bottle, my guy. How old is she now? She is eight months. Just got eight months. What's the actual birthday of Poppy? 24th September. I'll never forget that. Thank you.

Can I just say, going to bed, that's tough. That's tough solo. Another tough part is homework. Homework is bloody tough. I was like, surely I can get this done in 10 minutes with Miley. I think it's a waste of time. What do you do with Oscar? This is what I want to know.

If you just did the work at school that we pay fees for, you wouldn't have to bring it home. Wouldn't be homework. You pay fees? No. Whoops. But like we just forget. All of last year, not a single piece of homework with some.

It's so hard. Nothing. What about his reading? Yeah. He's great. He can read. He can read. Who's teaching him?

I guess him? That's good. It's fine. I think it's fine. Do you know what I keep coming back to when I don't do my home, oh, sorry, when we don't. Go on, Vic. Louise, I work.

In Scandinavia, they don't start school until they're seven, and they have the highest rates of intelligence, success, happiness. And it's because they give those kids an extra year of play before their brains are developed. So I think they've worked out when a kid turns seven, their brain is developed and ready to grow and learn and all that sort of stuff. But if you do it before then, and especially if you're pushing kids, then it can actually send them the opposite direction

because they won't want to learn because it's so hard. And when I'm doing Louis reading, I can literally see the fatigue set into their little eyes as they're reading the pages. And it's like, oh, I don't know if I should keep going, but I also have this real... I wouldn't know because we've never done it. I'm so competitive, though, as well that I'm like, read the book.

I was pushing so hard. Miley had all she had to do, choose artwork, can be from a book, can be anywhere. Laura had a little painting of some flowers. You had to pick the artwork, write four sentences about that artwork. And I was like, that'll take us two seconds. Oh my gosh. Four sentences seems like a lot.

So this artwork is about flowers. And this artwork makes it feel happy because the flowers are bright, right? That's what we're talking about. I was there for an hour. I was there for an hour. And I was like, she makes a mistake. She's like, I'll start again. And I'm like, just cross it out.

Who cares? Yeah, oh, bloody waste the paper. The fucking capitals. Also, I was like, guys, how do we want to do this? Do you want to go to the park first? And then we'll do our homework afterwards. And they were like, absolutely. And I was like, because we could do our homework first.

It's like, don't look at me like that, guys. Just do what Ash does and don't do it. What's going to happen? What's the fucking worst that's going to happen? It's like, oh, I didn't get that with their 30s. It didn't get that job because I didn't do that one day of fucking homework. Shut up. It's just, it's, do it at school.

It's cool. It's cool work. The fear of him falling behind though in class. keeps me up at night. Why? Louis got sent home a special writing pack to practice his fine motor skills so he can catch up to the class in his writing and I was like, my son's flying.

He's what, seven or six, five. Yeah, but that's when it starts. And then imagine if they fall behind in grade one, then grade two, grade three, and then grade seven, imagine, imagine that now. What if they're concentrated on other things and better things and things that could improve their life significantly down the track? Again, are we going to talk about the rhombus?

because no one's mentioned a rombus to me and like when I was a child they were like make sure you carry the seven I haven't carried a seven this whole time who's carrying the seven like in maths whatever that means what four carry the seven

where exactly where's it going what's they're just like why don't you subtract I'll tell you what you should do I don't forget Ash carry the seven Timmy's got eight apples he gives one to Matt

and now he's got 15 apples so who's carrying the seven well good for fucking Timmy where's his rompus and who's carrying the seven like fucking who cares You know what you should do? Teach Louis taxes.

That'll really help him. Well, I'm actually just like, okay, let's just focus on his emotional intelligence. Because that is something that he will carry for the rest of his life. Honestly, I think. It was 8 o'clock and I was still like trying to get, I was like, you three sentences in. We got one more to go. Keep on pushing. Stay focused.

Myler was like, I don't want to do this anymore. That's just child labour. And then the next day I was like, did you hand it in? And she was like, hand what in? And I was like, there are four sentences. And she was like, oh, I forgot. Let's put it this way. We didn't do homework all the last year and no one mentioned it.

No one. Did April do it? No. She was like, fuck, we're so slack. There's one thing we're just like, we just couldn't be fucked. You don't get that. I would much rather my kid do, like, gain a life lesson than do a fucking homework. Like, go to school and do it.

That's just my view on it. Mainly because when I was a kid, I didn't do any of my homework and I'm fine. If it makes you feel any better, people are like, oh, but what about when he gets older? What are you? I remember, I think I told you this story. Year 12, studying for maths. I never fucking did any study at all. I did pretty bad.

Which maths did you do? I did math, A, like the easiest of the maths. And I, like, failed all my exams. And I was like, year 12, I was like, this is it. We're going to fucking do this mat. We're going to knuckle down. We're going to study. Get the work done.

Here we go. First assignment, turn one. And then I was like, ooh, trampoline. We had a trampoline in the backyard. And I was like, I wonder if I can do a front flip. That was it. Can you front flip now? Oh yeah.

Life lesson. Life lesson. Yeah. Like, honestly, like, it's fucking ridiculous. And I think, like, what happens is they get bogged down. These kids get bogged down with things they are uninterested in and actually don't learn it and actually don't take it with them. Why can't we focus on him teaching them things that they're going to be like, yeah,

and double down on that? Why do I need, why does he need to be good at math, science, English, reading? Why can't he be like, do you know what? I'm really good at maths, for example, okay, numbers. I'm really good at numbers. I'm like, well, why don't you focus on that instead of, can you read? Can you read the numbers? Can you read what it's saying?

Fine. Like, right, especially this age. Like, if he's in year 10 or whatever and it's like, hey, these sort of things, you really need to knuckle down on, fine. But now, I'd much rather him go, okay, well, I want to learn about something that's actually interesting to me. Like, at the moment he's reading this space book, and all he's doing instead of sleeping, which is really annoying, is yelling out different space facts.

Max. He's like, Louis loves space. He's like, do you know what the Earth's comparison to the sun is? Like what?

He's like, he's like, think of a beach ball as a sun. We'd be like a pee. I'm like, boom, that's good gear.

Can I say that in the pot today? You've got, but like, he's not going to be like, do you know what's really interesting, Ash? Because that's what he calls that. Carry the seven.

Yeah, he's like, have you ever carried a seven? I'm like, oh, I'm carrying you. Shut up! Yeah, I'm like, you're seven.

Let me carry you over here. Oh, man. Miley's just started doing maths as part of our homework. And I'm like, oh! I know. Who wants to do a trumpflip? Yeah, yeah. Matt buys a trampoline instead.

Hey, Ash, we need to get out of a brand new spanking studio. We do. But I want to say thank you once again for joining us. Yeah, if you've enjoyed this episode, please leave a review, subscribe. Whatever you want to do. Or join us on socials. At two doting dads on Instagram, on TikTok. And this episode is available long form on YouTube.

And now, remember, subscribe. because next week you will get in your inbox automatically an episode featuring Jackson. Okay. Oh, yeah. We have a beautiful story about Jackson and his little girl Frankie. Yes. Do not miss it. So subscribe and you won't.

Simple as that. Well said. Do your homework. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You do your homework. You do the work.

Unless it's a life lesson. Anyway. Well said. Put it on a t-shirt. Goodbye. Bye. Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land. sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect

to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.