Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #240 Inappropriate Lyrics, Mood Lighting & Toilet Etiquette

Episode Date: July 5, 2026

Ash's sick, so naturally the episode goes completely off the rails. This week we're discussing the deeply concerning music our kids know all the words to, whether there's an acceptable playlist for sex (and just how much mood lighting is too much), plus a Doter Hack from a listener who's found a genius way to get the kids out the door in the morning. Then we tackle the debate that's got parents arguing online: should a dad have used the women's toilets to help his young daughters? It's a bit of a mixed bag this week... but so is parenting. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I was driving in the car the other day. I looked behind me, and I won't say which daughter this is. I don't want to embarrass her. And I was like, what are you eating? She's like, nothing? I was like, eating something. What's that? What are you chewing?

And I was like, is that gum? Where should get gum from? Give us some gum. And she was like, my boogers. And I was like, oh, fucking hell. I've raised a child that eats their own boogers. Are we all going to sit here and pretend like people don't eat their own boogers still? What?

Not me. Hang on. Welcome back to Two Dating Dards. I'm Maddie J. That definitely came out wrong. I know I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good.

It is the bad. And the boogers. And please, explain yourself. I will admit, when I was, I think I was grade six and I was like, never into it. But I was like, let's just see what all the fuss is about. Yeah, everyone's, I reckon everyone's living in denial. I reckon you're all living in denial. It's like every guy at some point.

How we go. Everyone's tried their own cum at something. Oh, no. So I haven't done that. It's a good. Too far. Not me. Not me.

But I've been close to. It's awful. You're all living in denial. You're all Egyptian. You ever had your boogers? Oh, yeah. What did it taste like? Well, this morning was a bit.

It's very salty. It is. It happens. Lily does it and it drives me. nuts and she thinks it's funny every time I say stop doing that. I reckon that I was still doing. When I saw Lily, I was like, she looks like one of those. She looks like a boogerie.

Yeah. That's why I didn't want to give her a hug when I saw her. I was like, now I'm definitely not giving her hug. I was like, I was trying to befriend her, not anymore. Fucking do. There's Louis? He used to pick his nose not anymore. That's what you think.

I don't really see it though. He's still doing it. He's still doing it. He's still doing it and so am I. Oscar's not a nose picker. It's Macy. Macy. She's always knuckle deep in that nose of her.

She's like, what is I? It's disappointing. Give it to go. It's like, I can imagine. I reckon a lot of adults living in denial. They still accidentally do it. I don't think adults do it. Eating it.

Yeah. I reckon. No. Okay. If you're listening right now and you're not afraid to admit it, please. I'm going to do a poll. Do a poll. I reckon everyone's living in denial because it's like,

we all do these disgusting things behind closed doors that people don't think we're doing that we're actually all doing. What else are you doing behind closed doors? You don't want to fucking know. But you know what I mean? No, I don't. Oh, you do.

Like, what else? There's going to be something that you're, you're like, you do behind closed doors that you're slightly ashamed about. Okay, do you know what I? Yeah, see? See?

I know, I thought, what is it? If it's earwax, that's fucked up. I said earwax is like veggie mite and boogers are like peanut butter. I used to, look, when I was younger, Okay, how much it's three days younger? No, when I was like primary school.

Like, you're a grot in primary school. Sure. Okay. I used to like the smell of the toe jam on my feet. Okay. Hey, Vic. We don't judge. Okay.

Can you say there is something that you haven't done behind doors. Like, there's something that you're ashamed of. I know it. Look. Yeah. She's like, they know. They know they're under me. Because we know what you do.

We know what you do. We just don't want to admit it. No, you don't. So there is something. No, because I like that. Little saint over here. I know. I don't know what my boo's taste like.

I bet you she eats around you. Can't wait to get in her own car. It's like, ooh yeah. Wind the window up. I've been all day. So much goodness. What are that? You get to taste what you smelt that day.

All right. Okay. Hey, so this is a Monday housekeeping episode. Yeah, it's not for us, this one. It's with a booger eaters. Well, actually, do you know what? We were looking at the numbers and look, we are a business. That's how we operate.

And we're broke. We're not here. Well, it is fun, obviously, but we did our end of financial year review of the numbers and we're like, we're looking at this episode. Obviously, we've done this episode for only a few months now. We've been doing it. Numbers aren't great. Numbers.

aren't good. And if they don't improve soon, if there's not a drastic spike here, by the end of this episode, all I'm saying is that it's your fault listening right now because you didn't tell enough people about it. Yeah, that's very true. And I don't, you know, I would hate. I've come in, I'm definitely ill.

Still. I've come in to do this. I could have been at home eating my own boogers and masturbating. But here I am. Showing up. Showing up. Missing out on a great time. I know.

I was not criticizing them. No, but we just, you know, we want to let you know that. We're all about transparency around here, Vic. So thank you for being here on every second Monday where we do housekeeping, which is really all about you guys. And that's what Vic wanted us to say. There was a lovely post in the Facebook group about how much they love me. Oh my God, that is so arrogant.

I deleted it. Very arrogant of Big. Oh, it's all about Vic. I don't pick my nose when you do. What did it say again? It said Maddie, Jay and Ash, you are amazing. Thank you.

End of comment. But I have to say that adding Victoria to the team was an awesome decision. I love hearing her giggles in the background as YouTube banter, and I can imagine her sitting there trying to contain her laughter and compose herself. Thanks for the joy you bring to my ears and will. Who is that written by? Belinda. Dan's like, Vic is so great.

You would never say that. But Chloe said, I'm usually yelling at the boys in my car and then Vic says what I'm yelling. What is she usually yelling? Ew. That's lovely. Stop talking about piss and calm. No, they want more pits and calm. This one, I just got to, I don't know if she's, I'm assuming she's announces publicly.

I'm going to say it, Kristen. So I got a message from her a little while ago, and she just said, hey, thanks for showing me that three kids is doable, about to try for number three, God help us. I said, look, I take no responsibility. It's great. And then she goes, yeah, it's not my favorite, the newborn phase. But anyway, wish me luck. Got a message from her. No.

Okay. She's having twins, isn't you? And I hope she's announced this publicly. If anyone knows Kristen, she's got some exciting news because she goes, Loll, tried for the third, now pregnant with twins. Oh, my gosh. If you don't laugh, you'll cry. Factual.

That's really tough. Is that my fault? Yeah. Did I do this? Yeah. Sorry about that. No, that's all right. I mean.

Should I have talked her out of it? Yes. I wonder if they were like Matt did. this. Do you reckon they'll name one of them, Matt? I hope so. Matt and Ash. Oh my God. And if it's a like Mattie. Maddie. Or Ash. Yeah. Ashley. Ash is very. Matt. Maddie. Ash. All interchangeable. Beautiful. I mean, what exciting news. Twins number three and four. Far out. That's tough. Buy one, get one free, literally. That is tough. And I hope, I hope they're easy kids. I hope they're sleepers. Gosh. But if they're not, you're in luck.

Because every 10 weeks or so, there's this thing called school holidays. And today is day one of school holidays. Yeah. So best of luck to all of the doters out there because it's honestly... It's hell. It's fucked. It's hell. Hey, before you finish school for the term, did you guys have an athletics carnival?

Nah. You haven't done it. I think it was the start of the year. It wasn't real athletics. It was like games. At the start of the year. What are you doing having athletics in January? That's wrong.

They did that and they did cross-country pretty early on. Back to back. Something like that, yeah. Did you go? Did you go? I went to cross-country, remember Oscar won. No, athletics kind of, well, fuck cross-country. No.

I don't care for that. I was here. I want the good stuff. Yeah, but they're not really doing April. That's right. April went and she was like, what's this? I was like, what were you expecting, Beijing? They're like doing sandbag toss or something like that.

Yeah, for, I don't know if it's, Marley's obviously grade one. Candy definitely do egg and spoon race. And I was like, I'm not going to miss half a day to watch that. No, I wouldn't know. What? That's hard. That would be the cutest thing ever. Watching a bunch of kids drop their eggs and then melting down immediately.

Can I just say the last few, like cross country as an example, I rocked up. The kids were not into it. Me being there and them knowing that I'm like meters away, they were like upset, didn't want to do it, came to me. Like we're just like, I want dad. And I was like, nice. No, it's not.

You want him to deal with it. I'm not raising losers. Fair. Fair point. No, you do want them to have a go, but that's so sweet that you're all they're comfortable. He's not one there. I was like, get off me. Get off me.

Who's kids of these? So I'm like, if I wasn't there, they would have run it. So I'm like, if I'm not, I've told them I'm not going to be there. Guys. And hide in the bushes. You know what you. I always ruin the surprise, but this is recorded a week earlier. Okay.

The Athletics Day is tomorrow. I'm like, I'm not fucking doing it. Yeah, fair. I'm not doing it. Fair. My parents didn't ever come to any of mine, but they hated me. They didn't know. I think, we all went to Oscars.

He loves it, though. He's like, I'm going to fucking wait at this shit. And if I had that kind of energy from my kids, I'd be there. So they brought those upon themselves. Fair, fair. I mean, April does, like, she, the first one she went to, I think I was maybe here with you. And she was like, it was so sad or like some of the year three boys, no one wanted to do it.

So they're all running and crying. And I was like, That sounds super entertaining. Youth free? Yeah, they'll, I don't want to do this. Oh, suck it up. Yeah, they make them do it. Well, they're going to hate swimming carnivals then.

Yes, swimming carnivals. Especially if they're like, you got to wear speedos. Remember those days? It was like, I try to wear my boardies. But like, obviously, like budgies and the stuff now are fine because I'm a dad, I can do it every time. Yeah, now that you're like, I don't give a shit. Yeah, let me take my pants.

I was like, Dad, no! But on the flip side. I got one of them hairy, you know. School assembly, you're just there at the back. be like, oh, that's gross. Does someone say 100 metres freestyle as me? I'm more of a breaststroke guy myself. No, no, nothing.

Okay. Sorry. Okay. I zoned you out for a split second. So sports day is tomorrow. And do they have to do every single with that? Like, I know cross country, it's one race, right? That you're in.

With the sports day, do they have to do it all? I don't know. Or do they pick their pedigree event? I don't know. I think it's, I'm not in the fun and game. You're not into fun and all games. No, I want, I'm a traditionalist. I want the 100 meters.

I don't want this, like, I don't know whoa or this. Egg and spoon. What the fuck is this? Eggs are for cooking. Not for racing. Yeah, I'm not.

So I've opted out. So is Laura. Yeah, fair. It's just silly games. We've seen enough. I've seen enough and I'm not interested. Tap me in when it's grade three and they're doing the 200 meters.

or a relay. That's what I want to see. That's what I want to see. Stacey, a little message here. No, before that, it's your birthday. Happy birthday. Oh, whatever. Oh, I should remember.

I always remember 6th of July. No one 887. What, how does, what, where does that sit in your mind? Like, are you remembering it constantly? It's numbers. It's just numbers. It's like, I remember my childhood phone number, my home phone number. Double number four, six, three, two.

Don't call it. 3374, 1574. That's good. Yeah, everyone remembers. that. Yeah, really? It's one of the first numbers you learn off by heart.

Let's not forget it's my birthday. And let's not rush through that. What do you got for me? I do have something for you, but I left it at home. You don't have to wait. Do you want to just maybe a couple of compliments? About the gift or?

Do you know what I did? If you're in a restaurant and it's not a big restaurant, but if it's someone's birthday and they're singing happy birthday, I hate that. There's nothing worse than a meek, happy birthday.

You've got to go all. in. I said to April, if you sing me happy birthday in public, I'm leaving you. I am that against it. And I agree. But if it's someone else's birthday, I go. Yeah. Caught that. Happy birthday, sorry. Something came over me. I got a lot of anger in there. I don't do birthdays. There was a table. Not far from us. Young boy, must have been 12. See, that you're singing into the, you're singing it out for a 12. Ah, the white staff came up And it was, the white staff were a bit young

And I was mid-meal And I like, looked over And it was like, it was like watching an odd lady Get robbed, I was like Did you get involved? Did you go, that's not how you do it? Happy month And you stood up.

Here me, quit this suicide. And the one, and a two. Climbed over the table. My daughter was like, daddy and I was like, fuck off. People need me right now. That poor 12-year-old boys Oh my God.

Who is this? I looked across the room and I thought, we all need a band together right now. You know, we're like a little community. I needed just someone to really get the party started.

Like when I went up to congratulate Tony and Ryan, you were like, fuck you! He's really needed to take it to another level. I gave it some and then I looked around and me like, come on. we're Australians here

Hip, hem! We're on in a We're mate for mate Help each other out The beer economy Oh Jesus Oh my God my ears I think the boy was crying

Oh And then when we left I went Come here Listen here son You grabbed a child And I was like You have a good birthday

And if not I'll see you the next one And I gave him a fist bump And I was like You know what I'm sure I've made his year He gave me a beer And I was like, drink this. Drink this.

If you're a man. You're a man now, son. And I, you know, I just, I felt, it felt good. It felt good to give back to the community. Yeah. I was just like, let's never go to that restaurant ever again. So you were banned. So.

How old are you turning today, Matt? Today I'm turning 39 years old. How many months is that? What do you mean? Well, we've got a lot of moms on the call today. They only work in months. 39 times 12. I can't do that.

Maybe we should say something nice about Matt for his birthday. I always say nice things about him. You have lovely hair. I'm wearing a hat. That's why I said it was lovely. You're a real go-getter. So happy birthday. Ash hates getting compliments.

I hate it. I hate giving them too. I know what one. I'm ready. Matt loves compliments. What have I got? I would like to say Matt is a very, kind, very positive person. He's very uplifting. He's also very generous. And he's a good

interviewer. He's a good friend, good colleague. What she said, yeah. Can sing happy birthday as well. That's what I was going to say. I was going to say, if anyone can sing happy birthday, it's this guy. So happy birthday. Thank you. And what, one more summer in your 40? Actually, do you know what you can do for me, if you're listening right now on Spotify? You can write happy birthday on the episode. Oh, yeah. That will really make his birthday. That'll be, I'll be in Bali salivating over his phone.

I'm going to do it. But April and I share a Spotify account. So it'll say April, but it'll be from me. I think. When you get home, you're like, April, make sure add it to your list. You've got to write a birthday to Matt. It's in the calendar. On Spotify.

It's in the calendar. So she'll get to it. Thank you very much for remembering. And I, thank you for the kind of words. And I forgot to bring your birthday present, which a lot of thoughts. which a lot of thought went into it. That's okay. That's all right.

So you're not going to tell me what it is. No. So when you get back. It's a more of an usual thing. Yeah. Okay. It's a picture of my dick. Can't tell if you're joking or not.

I don't joke. I'm not known for that. One of the Dota Stacey sent in a news update to us that said Australia could now soon be taxing owners of Pokemon cards and for you to watch out. How are they going to police this? Because unless, they're going to come to my house and be like, have you got to break more guns and

we're going to tax you on? And is someone going to come and value them? Because that'd be great too. So I don't know how they can. I just don't know. They always, I feel like they always throw out these things. Well, it's like when they say, it's like when they tried to say, if you're a content creator and you get a gift, you get gifted something, you're going to claim that

as like part income. Fuck off. Right? How are you going to pay for like a chocolate with a gift? It's priceless. To the government, like that's a great. rule and I think everyone should abide by them but get a fucking grip. It's so ridiculous. What am I going to, you know what

I'm going to do? If I get gifted something, I'm going to chop two thirds off it and then send it to the ATO and be like, there's your bit. Because I'm not getting any money for it. So why the fuck should you get money for it? I actually don't know if that's true. So don't quite me on this. So now they're going to tax my Pokemon cards that are

hidden in a drawer somewhere out of sight due to shame. I think Dave Hughes said that SARS. Who knows if he's okay. Right or wrong. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know me that kind. If you're coming to us for advice on tax legislation. Ash, I got a message here from Brad. Hello, Brad.

It's always nice to hear from the dads. It is. He says, hey guys, and Vic, keen to know from the doting community, the doters, if you will, what are some of your kids' most inappropriate favorite songs? My son is three and his absolute favorite song, the play it 50 times a day kind, is Homewrecker by Somba. Homewrecker by Somba. Such a banger.

Okay. Hey, let me, do you know which one it is? Got a little bit of scissors sisters about it. Here she is. Oh, what a night. That's what it sounds like. Do you rip that off?

It has lyrics like, you're hit like a drunk cigarette. I don't want to be a home wrecker. I want to kiss you on the bed and on the floor. All right. Nice. When your kids are like, yeah,

I want to kiss you on the bed on the floor. Put it in my mouth. Yeah, put it back in my mouth. What? Where was it? Take it out and put it back in my mouth. Needless to say, there's some pretty wild lines coming out of a three-year-old, Brad. I want to kiss you on the floor.

Put it back in again. What? What did you say? Any songs that your kids listen to that are a little bit inappropriate. If they could speak Spanish, because they're into bad bunny, they speak fluent bad bunny. It's just, that's how they sing it, because that's how I sing it. Because I don't speak trash. But Shaggy, it wasn't me.

I just don't think they quite understand the bits in the middle where it's like, you caught me butt. Well, they get butt naked. Because now they're like, Daddy, you butt naked? Yeah, because that's just funny. Because the word butts in it. And naked.

But the bit they love the most is it wasn't me. But I don't think they quite understand the bits in the middle. They caught me butt naked lying on the bathroom. Is it banging on the bathroom floor or laying on the bathroom floor? I think it's banging. It's banging. Is it banging? Yeah.

It's not lying. Yeah. So I think that's probably... That's red hot. That's red hot. There's a couple others that at the moment they're sort of running through Diet Pepsi. Oh, yeah.

That's a great song. Yeah, yeah. What's that one? Play for me. It's actually Addison Ray. Shout out to my Adi Ray. O.G., a fan over here. It's in these ripped, blue.

My ass looks good. Oh, my God. Ash is that a boat dance. Dancing sensually. Untouch, X, young. Love. You and April having sex to that. Oh, wow.

Do you really? Yeah. No. I'm sorry, babe. I'm sorry, babe. Do you ever listen to music when you having sex? Nah. No time.

We get through zero songs. Do you? I just put jungle music on. And then there's like, no. What do you guys? What do you guys listen to? I don't know. One second.

There's a. Sounds. Yeah, there's a Jane and Tarzan thing going on, okay? April's my Tarzanah, right? She's my Tarzan and I'm her Jane, and that's how we like it. Okay, that's really true. She carries me into the bedroom quite often in her little theaters, swinging from the vines. When we have sex, no music.

It's complete silence. Do people, is it help? I don't do it. Does it help out there? I actually think it would probably help me because I'm the quiet guy in the room. So if there was like some background noise, all we can hear is the white noise. All we can hear is the white noise from poppy's room next door It's like

You can have a soundtrack of someone just doing dirty talk That's the song we got on. Yeah, we're gonna have sex We don't fall like a sleet up to five minutes It's like, you should, you know how you're like I'm not very good at dirty talk You should just get like a dirty talk playlist And have someone been there like yeah

I'm Maddie J, you like that What he said? I'm just gonna cut this part up here And play it on Luke Ash's voice Deepa Dpa But if any Dota's have a good sexy playlist, let us know. Send us your best sex song.

Sabrina Carpenter, the girls love her. And she has a song called Taste. The boys love her too. Everyone loves a bit of Sabrina. She's just blowing up. Is that insinuating that she's getting wet? Yes. Oh!

She says, I'm going to need to go home now. Laura. Get ready. Put something sexy on. She's like, I'm, ugh. What about your kids, Vick? What are you got? Louis loves watermelon sugar by Harry Starrows.

Dirtbag! That's a great song then. It is a good song. I know. I always thought like there was some sort of insinuation that it was to do with sex. And then I just Googled it and it says, watermelon sugar represents the sweet, addictive taste and euphoria associated with oral sex. I thought it had something to do with a sexual act with a watermelon butt.

Wow. That would be quite difficult. That changes the song. entirely. He loves a fruit salad. He does. It's just fruit salad, but like an M15 plus version. Yeah. But he's like, oh my God, I can't... The watermelon or something I've been enjoying with my kids

is so inappropriate. Everything's inappropriate. Realistically. We're going back to the wiggles. That's it. That's probably inappropriate. Actually, just to the dotas out there, if there are any songs... Actually, no. Can I finish a sentence, please? Sorry, I apologize. If there are any dotas out there that have any

songs that their kids are obsessed with, that are filthy, send a man. I'm in. I'm interested. You pervert. Shut up. Can I ask you a quick question? No. I know you in April, enjoy each other's company in the bedroom quite often.

Go on. Lights on or lights off? What's going on there? Oh, good question. Thank you. Lamp on. What lamp? Mood lighting.

Yeah, baby. Where's that? Which one? Just bedside table lamp. But like one of them's light is less. It's quite nice, nice moody. Like a $12 light bulb you got for that over there. What about you?

Lights off. Don't look at me! We will go... There's a street light. Sometimes if we pull the curtains back, the street light is like a nice... It's just a street light. April, no way a curtain could be open, just in case.

I'm like, people aren't looking. Or sometimes we will go... This is really sexy. If we're trying to set the mood quite right... Nothing's sexy than street light. No, well, the light of the onsuit. We turn that. on and then we slightly adjar the door.

Slider too, isn't it? And so sometimes I'm there like naked with an erection being like, like this, a little less. A bit more. A bit to the left. And she goes, I mean to the left, thanks. That's, yeah, oh, too much, a bit darker. And I'm on this, I'm on the street like going,

open it more. Yeah, open it. Now close it. Because the house across the road is currently being built. So it's, you know, no one's looking in except for the Except for me. Yeah, except for you. Because we're only having nighttime sex.

How late? Probably 10 o'clock? Far out as late. Is it? Yeah. Sort of that out. What time are you having sex? Me?

Oh, every hour on the hour. No. Oh, like 8 o'clock, Max. Kids aren't even asleep. Yeah, oh yeah. My kids are in. They're laying in bed being like, oh, God. Although.

They're out of it again. Yeah, we are worried about them coming in. It's part of the thrill. No, it's not. It's, we usually wait. It's like, have you checked on them? Yeah. Are they out?

Oh, they're out. Most of the time. Put the lamp on. Sometimes we think they're out. Is the lamp exclusively a sex lamp? No. It's still a reading lamp too. Oh, so it's very confusing when you're like, are we reading books?

Are we fucking? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are we doing? I get out of the shower, I'm like, I can't read the room right now. Yeah, yeah. Or they're the lights off. I know. That's funny.

Because we've actually got, it's called a sex candle. And you're supposed to light it when you want to have sex that night. So the other one knows. Oh, that just reminds me a 40-year-old version when he lights the candles and turns all the pictures the other way before he drives to masturbate. Actually, without TV, it's one of those frame TVs and you've got pictures on it

and sometimes it just turns itself on and it's like a picture sequence of the kids. It's like, quick, turn it off, the kids are watching. But do you ever, do you ever hop in a bed and go, oh, fuck, the candles lit? Yeah, yeah. Just walk past it Oh, went out

Oh, my doesn't know, man I don't know I'm like, S S S Yeah He's like

Damn it, yes Poor Dan Yeah, that's Dan Hey, pair ants We've got one A little pair ant We can We do

We may as well pay the intro Terai Listen to this want to be free yeah to say what I feel man I feel like a parent Hey! And it's from Terry or Terri I'm undisclosed. Terry.

Is it a Terry? It's Terry. It's Terry. Asch has been silly. It's in capitals. I didn't yell it. Other parents at a gated playground not closing the gate behind them on their way out. Don't get me wrong.

It's my responsibility to watch my kids. But dang! Little mate is fast. and a close gate slows him down long enough that I can catch up. With these gates things. Yeah. On parks. It's always like when I go let my kid out, another kid comes up and I'm like,

this is awkward because I don't know you. So I was at a park recently with my kids. I'm glad we cleared that up. And I opened the gate and my kids were taking forever. And I was like, come on, kids. And I was there like opening the gate to be like, hurry up, hurry up. out of nowhere, lightning fast. Two young children must have been about four or five came running.

There's also a couple of adults that were also leaving at the same time. So I was kind of half telling my kids to hurry up. Also being polite for the other parents, these two kids, straight through. And I was kind of like, oh. I know. And all of a sudden there's a mom who's like, ah, Timmy, fuck. Timmy's a runner.

She sounds bolting. And I'm there, like, being like, shit, I've just... Did she put the pace on? Accidentally. Well, she was sprinting. Knees up? Everything? And I was like, oh, I was so sorry. It'll happen so quick.

She was fucking furious at her kids. I was almost like, hey, that was kind of my fault. Sorry. But I was like, let's get out of here. I will say April at full pace turns me on. When did you see her at full pace? Oscar was like, Mom, chase this. And it was a ball.

And she really put the... Really got the knees up, really moving. And I was like, damn, girl. Wow. So fast. why I asked. Like, would she really, I think I've got one somewhere. But, like, she had some plates on her.

That's why I asked. Was she really leg in it? No, she was older. It was like a half-assed. She could be a grandma. Anyway. So. Were any of your kids runners?

No. Like, thankfully not. I didn't really have, Oscar's too afraid to be left alone. He's like, ah. On the side of his booster seat now, it says, do not leave kids unattended in the car. And he was like, see! See?

See? Because you're going to pay for petrol. I have to come. Oh. I'm like, okay. Well, I was hoping a group of people took you now. No, the only thing that Marley did one time, and she's pretty great, she, we're at the park, and she went to the toilet by herself, but didn't tell anyone.

Oh, that's scary. And so I was like, oh, you know, because there's always moments where you don't know where the kids are because they're in a tree or doing something. And I kind of scanned around, and I was like, ooh, don't know if I was a Mali, was like checking every nook and crue. cranny of the playground. Then I was like, Laura,

I've lost Mali. I was like, for a split second, you're like, fuck. Just this is the worst case scenario. Like, where the fuck is she?

And then eventually, after me like, Molly! She comes down with a newspaper on her arm. What's like, I'm just doing a shit. And I was like,

don't you ever do that again? And she's like, I can't shit anymore. She hasn't poop since. I was like, fucking hell. Yeah, Oscar, we were at Rocket Ship Park.

The other day, and Oscar was like, to me, he was like, I'm just going to go to the toilet. It's just there. April comes home. He's like, where's Oscar? Like, he's in the bathroom.

He's like, oh, okay. I'm like, chill out. The bathroom's like right there, but I can imagine like, my kids, they're too afraid to do anything on their own. But I was, Oscar did this instance because he felt comfortable there because we go there all the time. But like, I think the whole gate thing, like, I don't know what, I never know what to do. It's such one of those moments where you like, you got to keep the kids in it.

Because the one time where you, you lapse in judgment, be the time a kid runs out and and boof, gets you by a car or something. Yeah. Yeah. I think you can let kids in. Just don't let them out. No, don't even let them in. Fuck it.

Fuck all the kids. No, remember I didn't let those kids in when I was me and Macy. And the mum, like, kind of snulled at me a little bit because I didn't let them in. I was like, I don't know who this kid is. Got to play it safe. Anyway. Don't let anyone in. Don't let anyone out.

I like it. Matt, you know we do love a good hack around here. Who told you? Well, in these housekeeping episodes, we do save all this sort of stuff, including hacks that we do get because parents love hacks if they work. So we got sent a couple. Did I tell you the idea that I had. for this segment.

Parenting hack or fuck that. Yeah, we ran it for ages. We ran that for a while. Not since I've been here. Yeah, we definitely had that. You're a fucking liar. Wow. Yeah, we definitely had hack or fuck that.

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'll put my life on it. When I have to kill you. We have definitely done because people have written in. April's like, don't do it. I'm like, it was a bet. People have written in on the Facebook group

and look it up and be like, for hack or fuck that or for something else. I've seen it. We have had hack or fuck that. I think in the parenting group, I said, what do you guys think of this segment idea? Name? We definitely have ran a couple of is this a hack or fuck that.

Well, I can't remember where I put my phone down and I forget in two seconds. We have. So my memory's probably not the best to use here. I'm living. I'm going to live. Do I want to bet my life? Should I do it? Because you'll be wrong.

I have to kill you and I will enjoy it. Yeah, we definitely have. There was a parenting hack or fuck that that came through in June last month. Last month. Yeah. And then there was... And the Facebook group? I told...

You've definitely told it on that. You've said it. Yeah. Not on the podcast. I'll die on this. Not on the podcast. You have. You have.

You're going to die. How are you going to kill me? Slowly. With what? Come on, guys. Okay, we've got it. And that's not the hack. It's definitely, you definitely have,

you definitely have said it on the pod with things before. Okay. Hack or fuck that. Well, like, right with it. There's a couple here from March. See, damn it, Vic. March 2025. Okay, well, this one has come from Joe.

You can cook schnitzel in the air fryer. You can cook salmon in the air fryer. You can cook sausages in the air fryer. You can cook those weird fucking small kiches that kids like from coals in the air fryer. and you can do that every fourth night for the rest of 2026. It is the best cheat code I was ever given by a friend and that's the best thing I've ever done. One boy, one girl is also really hard parenting-wise.

People don't kind of give it enough. Is this a parenting podcast? Can you shut the fuck up? Joe's talking here. Hurry up, Joe. I'm so sorry. Joe, hurry up. He's the point. Are you trying to take my job?

She's very good. She's great. She's just big. She's a genital. She's like, so anyway, my name, Joe. No, I did a rant on my own and she sent this audio message. I was like, that is such a good hack.

I'm actually going to put it on the podcast. She sent you a podcast. You're interrupting Josh. Look, I've had enough of Joe. Okay, back to Joe. This is the last time Joe's calling. Although, one of my mates who's got two severely ADHD kids did tell me to put on that Minions' Mission Impossible soundtrack,

Like, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun Except the ones are singing it The kids fucking love it And they have to be ready to leave Standing at the front door That's actually fun It's kind of a fun way to finish the end Like quick get your shoes on

It's like dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun And that's kind of cool You're fucking in the trenches man Furthermore As to my previous comment earlier I wasn't going to play the whole thing. Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, her she could talk to leg off a chair.

I like her. And I like her swearing as well. She had good twang. That was like, I like that. I like also. I tried it this morning. How'd you go? The Minion song.

I put it on and straight away, you could see little Louise's prick up. And he was like, he loved it. And it was like, quick, we've got to go. And there's something about the music. Quick, get your pajamas. Get your clothes on. And yeah, they did it fast.

And yeah, they did it fast. Okay, I'm going to try that tomorrow. Okay. Thanks, Joe. We need all the help we can get to get up. Are you think threatened by Joe? No, I'm like, that was the longest voice message. Was that a voice message?

Like, she'd just leave that on her phone? Oh, were you guys having a conversation? You just recorded it. No, no, no, it was a voice message. I was going to cut the rest out and just use the minions. I like it. No, no. Leave the air fry.

Air fry is good gear. I'm glad we got there. Thank you, Joe. Also, shout out to the parents who have the one boy, one girl. Thank you. Yeah, it is hard. It is hard. It is hard for us.

I can't, I could never. You've got it easy, man. I don't understand what you guys are going through. Well, you've got three of them, so it's just like that. It's a lot. But worse. In the parenting hierarchy, I fucking am on top of you guys. I am really finding it hard.

And that's the way you like it, isn't it? I don't know. That's supposed to mean. Like, Louis versus Lily at the moment. Like, Lily's so well behaved. And I know kids go back and forth all the time. But Louis's going through this really naughty phase, and I'm finding it really hard to not.

give too much praise to Lily because she's doing whatever I ask her to do, but literally every day. And I don't want to embarrass him, but he is wetting his pants every day at the moment. Like coming home, last night he came home, his shorts were soaked. And I'm like, buddy. What did you do? I'm just trying to get him to the toilet so he can go and change and get into clean clothes and stuff.

But he, like, everyone at school is asking him, like, change. And he's like, no. Oh, really? Yeah. He won't go. What does Jen say? Well, she says like just go back to what was working originally. Which was?

Try and just boost his confidence and tell him this happens to lots of kids because that's when he actually got better. But that was like when he was back in preschool. Is he just not, is he just ignoring that he needs to wait because he wants to play? Like what does he? A little bit of that, but he's got an overactive bladder. So we've been to a doctor to see if it was a physical problem because you've got to rule that out first.

And he's, yeah, he's got an overactive bladder. Which means like it's just like a, like he's, needs to wee more often. Yeah. So when it contracts, it sends messages to his brain that he needs to weed then and there. And he can't, it feels like he can't hold it in. Wow. I didn't know that was a thing. Yeah. And it's really sad because it's not his fault, but also he is capable of going to the toilet. Like I said to him today, if you feel like you're going to wet your pants, just run to the toilet straight away. Like do not listen to anyone around you, just run. Instead of just weeing the whole thing in his pants.

Yeah. Does he feel like he can't just go? I don't know. He gets embarrassed, maybe. But he says he's not allowed to just get up and go. But I have been working with this teacher constantly. Yeah. Yeah, it's such a tricky one.

And it's hard to not get angry all the time when you're doing so much washing. It's a fucking nightmare. I remember growing up and wetting the bed and being like, I want to get in trouble for this. Because you're like, as a parent, it's in the middle of the night. there's a knock on the door and it's like, I've just pissed the bed. You're like, fuck! No.

It's really hard. Why? Is you fucking serious? I know. It's so hard not to shame them. Oscar wet the bed and didn't tell me until the night before. He was getting into bed and he was like, oh yeah. I was like, why didn't you tell me?

And he was like, I was going to get in trouble. I'm like, no. Yeah, but no, you're not. Like, it's a weird thing because you're like, in the middle of the night, you're like, oh, for fuck sake. But the first. the fuck's sake is like, you're not in trouble for this. It's just more work.

I'm just annoyed I had to wake up. Yeah, yeah. But they just see it as like, I've disappointed you and you're the one person they don't want to disappoint. Yeah, exactly. And I say to him, look, he's like, am I in trouble? I'm like, no, you're not in trouble. But I just want to help you, but I can't help you if you're not going to help me and

help yourself. Make him wash his own clothes. That's what happens. Ooh. No, I don't mean physically like, I know. I'm like, hey, you've got to go put them in the wash. So, like, at the moment, we have. we had the shoe basket in the laundry and what's happened is macy or oscar i can't remember which

it was had really wet shoes and just chucked him in there all the other shoes went on top like what the fuck stinks in here and i was like all right well that's it the shoe basket's going out of the house and you've got to actually go and put your shoes out there and now they'll they'll do it same with the washing i'm like your fucking socks stink like i'm not i'm sick of fucking carrying your socks go and put them away so now they're like all right the amount of clothes they use has dramatically dropped. So Oscar would be like, I've got a tiny mark on this shirt, your shirt. I'm like, you've got to walk it all the way to the laundry.

You're wearing that for a week. Yeah, you're going to walk it all the way to the laundry. I love that. And then he's like, so maybe just say, hey, look, I know it's really tough. So why don't we to help mummy out? Because you're not in trouble, but to help mummy out with the washing so we can all move on and get along. I'll show you how to do the washing.

He'll probably stop pissing his pants. Or at least it might be not as frequent. Like you might go, oh shit, I could run to the toilet now. and we and tell mumby that I just left the classroom or go home and I go to do the washing myself. I don't know. Try that. I'm not an expert.

I mean, if any doders out there have any advice on wearing your pants, would bloody love some because I'm at Mawitz End. Fair enough. This has been going on since we toilet train to him at three and a half. And he's almost six. That's tough. And it's gotten worse.

And is there anything that they can prescribe for the bloods? ladder? Yeah, there is a medication they can put him on, but I don't really want to go down that option. Yeah. No, yeah, for sure. Because she also said it is like a life lesson he also needs to learn about going to the toilet. Tricy one. So we just have to schedule a toilet reminder every like specific times of the day and we've got a sticker chart. Yeah, we're so like, no one leaves the house until they at least try to go to the bathroom. And that includes me. Matt, speaking of bathrooms, we have a bathroom-related Dota Dilemma, shall we? Absolutely.

Now you need us more than ever. Know that we still have each other. You can send us your doating dilemma. You can send us your doting dilemma. Ella, Ella, Ella, eh, eh. I don't know if you've seen this video, Ash, but it got sent in a lot. And it blew up on TikTok. It's from America.

I'm going to play you this. Big surprise. This is a video of a dad who went into a female bathroom with his daughter and then was approached by another man. So to give context, it'll make sense when you hear the audio. I'm standing in the doorway of the lady's bathroom. Okay? My wife, there is a man with his two little girls using the women's bathroom.

Wash her hands, lady. He is. He's washing his hands with his dog. right now he is leaving it. It's all right, baby. She is waiting to use the restaurant with her mother who is very ill. Wash your hands. And who is on oxygen.

It's okay. Some of them are just immature. And he's refusing. He's taking this week time. I have two girls washing their hands. You, you let this lady, this woman is a woman. She's a woman. She can bring your daughters in here.

She's a manager of the Q2. I'm their dad. You can ask her, I understand. If you don't have any business, we're in the women's bathroom. They're girls. They go to the women's bathroom. As soon as he leaves the men's in the women's bathroom,

I will. I'm standing in the doorway. Can I say, first of all, please. To the dad with the two girls, full credit for remaining calm. So kind. Because I know, my blood is boiling, right?

You lose your temper? Never. I don't lose my temper. Sorry, Ash. Please. You better fucking do. That makes me want to cry. When you hear that little girl start crying, that makes me want to cry.

First of all, that guy who's making the call, you might be in the doorway, but you're in the doorway of a fucking woman's bathroom. So why don't you go outside and take your fucking private phone call to the police about someone else helping a child wash their hands in a bathroom? You absolute fucking moron. I think because people might say, well, why can't, because I take Marley and Lola, mostly into like the family bathroom or if it's available yeah you know sometimes i'll take them into the men's bathroom i'll go in with them but it looks like that video is from a truck stop and i have

been i've been to some bathrooms off the back of a petrol station that are fucking disgusting and i'm like the men's bathroom and i it's like it is not clean and i'm like i don't really want i'll say to laura like hey take men to the girls because the men's is like even i'm gonna fucking struggle pissing in here. But any level-headed person would look at that situation and be like... He's not there to cause harm. What's the issue here? No.

What's the issue? If he's, like, if anything, it's like, mate, you're at the door, a fully grown man staring into a women's bathroom on the phone. Why? Like, what does this have to do with you? Thinking he's being a vigil, Andy, helping people out. I love how I know that everyone turned on that guy, as they should. Well, apparently he called the call.

And apparently he ended up getting fined for wasting the services. And so they should lock him up. They're good. You're saying that there's... You made a little girl cry. There's people out there with that brain just roaming around. Like that's more dangerous than anything. The fact that that guy is out there thinking,

like, I'm doing something good when you're at being an absolute fucking idiot. I don't know how. And to be honest, that dad modeled mature behavior in front of his girls. I wouldn't have done that. And that's just I'm a different person. person. Not saying what I would have done would have been right, but it wouldn't have been. What he did was right, but I don't have the patience to deal with someone like that. He would have, he would have warned that phone.

Yeah. Like he would be, he would be shitting it out right now. I think clearly any adult can look at that situation and make a call pretty quickly that that dad with his two young daughters is not there to cause harm to other people. Do you think he wanted to be there? Probably not. Yeah. It's awkward as in those situations. Yeah. But it's like, fucking hell. How are you an adult thinking like that?

But also, like, what's the alternative? He's going to take his daughters into a male toilet where there's usually a urinal. As soon as you walk in the door, that's way more harmful for little girls to see than the safety of a female toilet where you know it's going to be a protected and clean space. It's funny that a man was the one who had a problem with it.

A man had a problem with what's happening in the women's bathroom. How often are you in women's bathrooms, bro? that's my first question and second of all why the fuck are you in here as well like how did he get did he see him walk in and followed him in first of all you've followed me and my family in and second of all now you're watching my child do his business

get the fuck out of you can I ask you Vig if you went into the women's bathroom and there was a dad there with a young girl say four or five years old what would be your reaction I'd definitely be shocked at first but I don't think I think I would sort of assess the situation quite quickly and I could see that that man was just trying to be a good dad for his girls

and he was just washing their hands I think it's probably a real case-by-case situation. I know there's a lot of people that hang out in the family room at Westfield at the moment. It was one time. I see on the Facebook groups it happens a lot because there's a microwave in there. So a lot of homeless people and a lot of men do go in there to warm up. Well, microwaves, you know, they're asking for it. To warm up food.

Now I know there's a microwave in there. I'm getting straight in there. But like, I know what you mean, but he's, there is nothing. I was curious what you would do. Yeah, because you've got all the girls. I've never done it before. I don't know, just because like... I think it was absolute desperate.

Is that Maddie J from The Bachelor in the girl's toilet? Hang on. Yeah, it'd be me on the phone. He's in here. He's in here again. No, do you know what? I have done before. I have sent Marley into the girls' bathroom.

And I've stood just outside. And it was one where there wasn't a doorway that you could like, I could be like, Marley, you're okay? She's like, I'm still peeing. And there was another mom that was like, oh, is she okay? I was like, yeah, yeah, she's fine. And she's like, now I'm doing a pose.

Honestly, I call the police on me if it's, if, if, if you think that I am doing the wrong thing, but I'm there to protect the safety of my child, full stop. Totally. I don't give a fuck. If you're going to, if you're going to walk in, I'm in a women's bathroom and I'm like, my daughter is taking a shit right here. I'm not leaving her alone. You'll have to physically drag me out of here because I think the right thing to do is

of a guardian to take care of their child, full stop. I'm not, I'm not in there to peep on you taking a shit. The last thing I want to do is watch a woman. and take a shit. Okay? What I want to do is make sure that my, I don't know who's in there. I'm not going to be like,

same if it's in the men. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be making sure that my son and my daughter is 100% safe because that is my top priority. Call the police on me and drag me out. But if that guy called the police on me for taking my daughter into a woman's bathroom, he would be shitting that phone out today.

Oh, I love it when you get passionate. Thank you. Well, it's just common sense, really. Yeah. April's a lucky lady. The fact that he got fined and he got in trouble by the police, the fact that that happened shows that justice was served and that guy and props to the dad for keeping his cool.

Because I wouldn't have. I love that. Thank you. Don't fucking ask me again. Okay, whoa! If you enjoyed this episode and Ash getting all right hot under the collar. I'm fucking sweating over here. I know, you're worked up.

I love it. Let's fight. Oh, wait. We would love it if you give us a review. Don't forget, happy birthday to me. I was like, it's not my birthday And when is my birthday Off the top of the dome?

It's fine, don't, why would you do that? I don't know, I don't know Swam! Call the police! I only learned Poppy's birthday like a month ago. The episode before.

No, you're March. Yes, correct. If you've enjoyed this time. March 22, March 21. Way off. Damn it. 13. Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook.

It's heaving. But not this episode on YouTube, but the other ones are. Don't tell on that. I know. Well, a few people were like, where the fuck are the episodes on YouTube? They're not older.

You know, you know where they are. We'll see you guys on Wednesday. Yep. And keep enjoying the holidays. Bye. Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present

and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.