Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #241 Pocket Money Fails & Canteen Gossip

Episode Date: July 7, 2026

Ash is sick, in denial that school holidays have started and has a newfound respect for every woman who's ever had an epidural after seeing the size of that needle. Meanwhile, Matt's just landed from the Gold Coast and is already off to Bali (must be nice), but not before spiralling over the family plane seating plan. The guys tackle the screen time debate, why parents might be getting pocket money all wrong, the canteen gossip that's draining your wallet, and why a dad settling a baby in public gets a standing ovation while mums don't even get eye contact. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

That was delicious. Little snacky poo we had there. You're welcome. Dense banana bread. Dense banana bread. Also, very like yokey egg that we just had on that little bacon egg roll. You got all the egg. I got no.

Fuck off. Did I really? I, I scraped it off the bottom of the container. I didn't you say something. Oh, I'm just polite like that. You should have said something. I was thinking this is a lot of egg. I'm not an asshole.

Meanwhile, Vic was like, we're fucking an hour late for a record. Oh, Vic's here. Hey, Vee. Welcome back to two Notting Dads. I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the real lady. And if you come for advice, shut up. What are you doing? You're in the wrong place. What are you doing here? But stay. Stay while. Have a seat. So, Vic, she's doing one last little check. That's what I like about Vic. Yeah. She's so

limber. Dan's a lucky man. She's gone all red now. Like a little possum, Vic. What? She's just like scudder. he's like, speaking of possums. There's a possum. There's a possum in the tree near the park at Rocket Chip Park,

for those of you playing along at home, which is in Warwick, some people will be like, I know Rocket Ship Park. We've got a Rocket Ship Park at Bondi. That's probably better than out. I've seen your one. You were supposed to go.

Your Rocket Ship Park is fucking proper. Yeah. It like launches you up and down and you like, you get not quite zero gravity, but it's... You got the Rocket Ship Park that works. because ours is just the aesthetics. It doesn't work. It's just like,

anyway, enough about the rockets and the ships. Possums. There's possums in the tree. And I was like, look, there's a possum in the tree. And I was like,

yeah. I was like, there's a possum in the tree right there, okay, in a little burrow, in a little nest. Yeah.

And she's like, yeah, it's been there for years. That's a spot. It had a name. I can't remember the name. I'll figure it out. But I just thought that it reminded me of that.

And I was like, how have I, I'm quite observant. And I've missed this one. Okay. Do you have any possums in your mind? I'm just saying. No,

is it weird that everyone else knows about this possum but me? I didn't know about the possum. Well, actually, I did know about the possum. Oh, damn it. Keep us updated on the possum. I will, actually. Like, now that we know about the possum.

It was like tucked into his little burrow, like, did I have babies? Okay. Okay. Fix fucking machines. It was the baking. You got somewhere to be? Is that what happened?

Is that a bad mood? Look, I apologize. That's hot. He's a bit warm in here. The lights are on. We're full of bacon egg rolling. I'm also like still a little bit sick. So anyway, let's go.

Let's push on. Actually, let's just start off. And let's just take a moment to really say thank you to Ash for sucking it up, getting dressed, coming in here, dragging himself into the studio and being here for the record after, I would only imagine has just been a horrible 48 hours with this illness. What do you got? Since Friday. Oh, fucking hell.

What I got? Just the man flew. as I brutal. No, everyone's been sick in my house. It's been brutal. There stinks in there. I had to get out. What do you mean?

Just stinks, like people inhabiting the place that haven't left the house. I literally walked out of the house for the first time today in like four days. I was like, be-ee. People are like, hey, how are you? And you're like, Oh,

who said that? I don't know how to dog anymore. Anyway, it's pleasure to be here. So has anyone else been told about the possum story? Or has it been holding onto that since? There's a good gear. And that's the first one.

You're the first people. Check notes and I was like, Ash has an exciting update on possums. That'll be next week. We have an update on the studio just when you thought they're coming to an end because Vic was like, you guys are getting all the fucking, what about my side?

We come in and she's bloody pain to her side. She's got a jacuzzi in the corner. Use jet ski. She's got skylight coming down from her end. She's got photos of these kids. We don't even know who they are. Oh, that are your kids. They're beautiful.

I'm not going to want. And who's this number over here? I want to point this photo out really quick. It's just out of frame. It's just out of frame. It's young Vic. How old Vic? Ooh.

How old's that turtle? I reckon that looks like preschool. Preschool. Like maybe five years old? No offense. You were huge. You were so tall. You're man child.

You've got to be older than that. I don't really know my ages. No. Maybe seven. Six. You're ready to fight. Look at those fists. Oh, yeah.

I was probably terrified of the teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle on things. Just a little handy hint on throwing punches. Don't tuck your thumb in. You'll break it. She's standing next to the hour. I'll get you. A ninja turtle. Is that Leonardo?

A teenage. Leonardo looks like he's been on the source. No, that's Donatello. Donatello. Look at the eye. He's like, I'll tell you what I've had enough. I think that was at Sydney Wonderland. What's it called?

My uncle was the manager at Wonderland. So he used to go for free all this. time. Yeah. After hours. Like not after hours. It was like the last, it was like the last. Come here with Uncle Tim. After hours. Going hard of this, bush, I'll beat you there. Oh, God. Should we ride the roller coaster? The big dipper, sir. I'll give you a big dipper.

Okay. The totas don't want to hear that. Yeah, they do. I was in the teenage mutant Ninja Turtle fan club. Hang on a second. What does that entail? Pizza. I think it was just like you received like a newsletter once a year and maybe some stickers. And with what's happening on with the turtles? Oh, actually, no, you got a badge, like a police badge, but it's a Ninja Turtle badge.

So you feels like a member. And did you, were you into it? Is that? So into. I watched every episode. That's why I wanted to be a journalist. I wanted to be April O'Neill. Oh, yeah.

Well, the good thing is your T-shirt says something that correlates to that. Yeah. Writing is fun. Yeah. Writing is fun. The nerds would I mean the nerds. The bullies would have a big fucking dot time with that one. I love that.

It's a beautiful photo. It's a love writing. You do. You're a very good writer. Thank you. And you're looking great with your new green wall. Ah, thank you. Yes, Dan did that for me.

The green wall is expanding. It's like a virus. I've got the lone white wall there. And you got the shelves. Yeah, I feel like... Good thing we overrooted on the shelves, eh? I feel like it's sort of like when you've started dating someone and then they give you like a drawer or like... Well, we're married.

So things are true. It's not a thracer. Wow. Wow. My wife listens to this podcast. No, she doesn't. But thank you for giving me some shelves. That's okay. That's your Christmas residence.

Hey, I, someone made a suggestion. We posted a video about a little tour of the studio and what belongs on our shelves. And someone had a suggestion, why don't you put Poppy's umbilical cord on the shelf, which is still kindly my bedside table, along with the utensils, the clamps and the, But that's what I used. Because the guy, the obstetrician was like, this will just go in the bin, take him. And I was like, oh, that's right.

You're telling me that. Yeah. What about your mom? Does your mom have your foreskin still? No, she didn't keep that unfortunately. So maybe I'll bring in the ambitical cord. It's very like, it's like a raisin. It's tiny, right?

It's tiny. It's black now. Why is it on your bedside table? I don't know. It's fun to chew on. Well, I just want it fell off. I put it there. And then.

And then I never left. And so it's still there. That's how I'll begin. is how it starts. Next you're going to have a fridge full of human remains. And if that happens, like, just want you to know that you can visit me whenever you want in prison.

I won't. Did Lola's tooth ever fall out? No, I don't know if it's wobbly. Lola's... Oh my God. Whenever she gets my phone, she always records a video being like, hey guys, I've got a wobbly tooth, got a couple.

She's vlogging. She's vlogging about her wobbly teeth. And to be honest, I just said it was wobbly just to kind of like... Like Bill Gibson. Because everyone can... That's a pretty good reference. That is a good reference.

Because all the kids are losing teeth and my kids haven't lost any teeth yet and it was just easier and I know you're going to roll your eyes at this big. It was easy for me to say, you got wobbly teeth and Lola was like, how many? And I was like, all of them! Three?

And so she keeps telling people, it's about to fall out but it's like, I was... Yeah, I can see her going, we're about to fall out and you're behind her going. No, they're not. Literally. So, yeah, no teeth.

fallen out. Okay. So she's still got all of her baby teeth. All the baby teeth. Nice. Although, did do, did do the x-ray. The teeth are there, apparently, according to the dentist. Oh, you did a pre-test. Well, Marley, we were a little bit worried because, well, she hasn't lost the tooth. And I hope my brother is okay with me showing this information. I remember, you've shared this plenty of times. Okay, great. My brother only ever had two adult teeth, roughly. To lose 28? Ballpark. He's, yeah, he just was born without them. So, So he looks like a baron. So he's got baby teeth.

So he's now, he could have fake teeth. He looks great. He's had a lot of work done. I'm pretty sure the University of Queensland did a study on him because. No, that actually. It's quite rare. That would be very rare. It's a rare case.

How dare you laugh at my brother? That's funny. Oh, so you think Lola or Mali could have that. Is it genetic? I don't know. But you're there, Dad. Correct. But he's my brother.

Same genes as a brother. And also, my puberty came in very late. How old? I must have been like, 19. What? 18 maybe. What?

No way. Very late. No way. Wait, when you say coming in. Excuse you. Victoria. But above the belt, please. Sorry, poor choice of words.

Yeah, it was. When you say puberty's coming in. Yes. What do you mean by that? Because isn't it a gradual thing over years for boys? Yeah, it just took me a long time. I feel like for men, the final step is facial hair. But he doesn't know

He doesn't know what he's talking about I was waiting for underarm hair Okay Okay and you think that's the mark you've hit it Yeah I was waiting I was like I'm not yet a man Until I've got the underarm hair I just wouldn't come

I don't know maybe there's a problem with my jeans Maybe would I'm a late bloomer Yeah okay Who knows I'm not a doctor so Wait what I know I know All right well house

housekeeping and first of all I want to say we are actually already in housekeeping oh I just hope that everyone is surviving the first few days of school holidays three days into holidays you're in Bali i'm in vietnam and ash is in right here school holiday hell I'm sitting here waiting for you guys come back I actually I just told april that you guys haven't gone anywhere I've got to go in heaps more so here I am what are you going to do for school holidays I first of all I forgot what do you how do you forget that I just think if I tune it out maybe it won't happen the kids can continue to be at school. Interesting approach that you've taken.

Yeah. Because April will handle it. Oh. Actually, she has handled it. For majority of us. Okay. For majority of, like, I'm going to be there. That's called weaponized in confidence.

And I think you're better than that. Am I? No. Anyway, look, I think there's a couple of, he's got a couple of camp days on. What's the soccer thing, the sports thing he does? Motivate. Motivate. He's not that again.

Two days of that. One's with the Manly Sea. Eagles, which is good because he's pretty much a local down there now. Do manly seals in babysitting? No, they do like, I think, I think all like, same with... They're struggling financially. Same with like the Paramount of Eels and stuff like that, because it's all about grassroots. It all sinks down to the lower, which is the children.

You've got to do it for the children. And they're like, stay with us. Yeah, so they indoctinate them. Yeah, so they have the motivate camp on the day that happens to be a man, must be a manly sponsored day, and then a couple of the players turn up to do a couple of things. But Oscar's met them all that many times. For Oscars met them all that many times. He'd be like,

Hamale, what's up? How's the kids? Hey, yeah. I don't know why. All the other kids will be like, oh my God, the manly players. And Oscar's like,

you again, Trovo, bitch. So you follow me around, is all? It's got. Anyway, so Mother's Day was just in May. Okay,

we are in June. But I was meant to talk to you about this then. I forgot the size of an epidural needle. I didn't know how big they were. Yeah, I saw these everywhere on Mother's Day actually. Right? It must have been the new campaign.

Like, get us a fucking present because look at the size of this needle we had in our back. April didn't have one because she had the Caesar. She had no. She had the Caesar salad. She had the seizure salad. No, we both, you still have the epidural. Yeah. Because the first one was emergency.

And the second one, you can still opt for an epiduror if you want, even though it's going to be a, because essentially what they want to do is you don't want to feel anything from here down. So, wait, do they? The epidural does the same thing. I'm probably asking the wrong person these kind of questions. I think so. Hey, Vic. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I please jump in?

Maybe I know. Did you have a vaginal birth? No, I had two C-sections. What? Same as April. I had an emergency and then a planned. I knew that. Yeah, right.

When's a birthday? Recently. Okay, when you get a C-section, you get a spinal block or if you've already had an epidural and it's had to go into C-section, that's why you've got it. it's generally they do a spinal block. It acts the same as an epidural, but it literally cuts off all the feeling from your waist down. That's what I was going to say. Exactly.

It's the weirdest feeling I've got to say. But this is, it's just quickly, just here you go, look at the fucking size of that thing. That makes me squam. Oh, God. That's, that's like half a meter. That's like a sword. That's not an needle. That's a sword.

That is a sword. And can I just say, when I had to get both of mine in, Dan was not. allowed in the room because they don't want your partner in for whatever reason. Well, they're faint because that's what happened to me. There you go. Fucking men. Anyway. Wow.

Wow. How dare you? Sorry, love men. Love you guys. You're fine. You know what? You're part of the problem. Okay?

But it's really hard because you've got this giant belly in front of you and you've got to bend over so they can get a nice like, uh, hard bit. Oh, you mean the pregnant. Oh, sorry. And then the midwife, she holds your hand because your partner can't. come in. It's awful. See, I did that. I held the hand and that's what did me over. Dan wasn't allowed. He had to stay in the outside room. He's just sitting there like, what the fuck. And then I'm like, where's my partner? I just want to hold his hand. I held the hand of the midwife while.

That's probably a sturdier hand, I would say, because they're used to it. Also, it's important to remind people that growing up, men get random erections, which is the same size as an epigurinated which is I wish. You know, and that's a type of awkward pain I would not want to put on. When you've got to tuck it up against your belt and fucking like, it's throbbing, you've got a big old mushroom head that's just like... Sometimes it feels good. So, Vick, so consider yourself lucky that you don't have to go through that.

Oh, yeah. So lucky. You know. Oh. Anyway, I just wanted to bring to your attention and like that's, it is. Thank you. Don't underestimate the size of that needle. No.

Women are amazing. Thank you. You good, cover that base. Now, I've been sick. No, actually, I won't. I'll spare, I'll spare, Vic, this conversation because this is probably more of a behind-closed doors conversation to have with you. Anyway, there's nothing off-limits here.

What's happened? It's disgusting. Is it about wanking? Yeah. People love it. Okay, that's all they needed. When I asked, because we had a three-year anniversary, and I wrote in the Facebook group, and I was like,

What are your favorite moments? And a couple of people were like, Ash, wanking in the shower. No, but I reckon that's because they like to see Ash injuring himself, not the wanking. Yeah, this better end with an injury. It doesn't, but I just wanted to ask you when you're sick.

Yeah. Okay, and you're, you know, you're meant to be resting. You're at home. You're bored. You get a, every drop of fluid is important. Every drop of fluid. Well said. You're dehydrated.

So what, I think, what, happening and I've done this before is where I rest so much but I'm also bored and when I start to feel a bit better I think maybe I could wank and then I do and then I feel worse like it depletes my energy does that is that a real thing how vigorous are you being but like I'm asking you do does that happen to you sometimes if I'm really hung over where it's trying to jerk it And it feels good for it afterwards you're like, yay, and then that's the noise I make after I

come in. Yay! Happy! Happy! And then it's... Then the regret. And then it's down and then it's downhill from there. You kind of slow it back into... I think I did it twice. I was like, oh, I'm feeling heaps better.

And then... Twice? And then I was like, oh. You got a problem. Shut up. It was over four days. That's a blight month. So twice and over four days is eight times.

But I was like, Okay, I get to, like I'm feeling better, starting to, I feel like I'm recuperating. And then I just, two steps forward, one step back. I think it would be the same as going for a light jog. Yeah, okay. You're like, too much, too much elevated heart rate. Your body, your body's still recovering. But I'm so bored.

Watch a movie. Read a book. It all ends up the same way. That's such a male response. What do you mean? I'm so bored. I just have to wank. When it comes out of your mouth, it sounds weird.

When it comes out of mind, it sounds perfectly. Why don't you play your PlayStation? Because it ends the same. So just wanking. I'm just going to come for your chair. Anyway, moving on. No injury off the just. No, yeah, just a couple.

Just, yeah, I probably couldn't report it yesterday. I didn't wank three times a day before. The listeners are like, did you slip a fool in your calm? Hurted yourself, Ash, damn it. Where's the pain? Pain was internal. Oh, yeah, I need to make, just really quickly, I won't dwell on this. And maybe it's Laura.

Maybe she was like, I think she did a post where she said, the third child is the gateway drug to more children. Oh yeah, she said that yesterday. And I was like, because everyone's like, have a fourth. Join us. All the families of four kids are like, come, come to the dark side. We're happy. Look at us.

You can be like us. And I'm like, oh. Yeah. Oh. You look like shit, Samantha. Totally. So I just need to say. Just very quickly, you know, I'm not going to dwell on it, like I said, short and sharp.

We're not going to have a fourth, not going to happen. Have I had a vasectomy? No, I haven't. Are you going to get one? I will at some point. I got a guy. I don't need your guy. I've got my guy.

The fourth, we're too old now. Too old. I'm 38, 39. 39 in July. So, you know, I don't have time for that. July 6th, to be specific. There he is. The Rain Man has spoken.

Can I ask you a very quick question? And this will wrap up housekeeping, I think. Very quick. this is stressing me out. It's causing me so much anxiety. So we are going to Bali, right? Currently, I'm in Bali. When you listen to this, you go, where's Matt? He's in Bali. But right now, I'm in the studio. I'm in a great looking studio. I'm confused. So flight over to Bali, right? You know how, like last time I went there, I flew over by myself. With the kids, yeah. And if people are like, you go to Bali a lot, it's because my wife works over there. Okay,

we're just a hard work in family. Just preface that. You actually are. Thank you. So there's five of us now. Me, Laura. The other three. The plane that we're on is a two-four-two configuration. Oh, this again.

Okay. So I'm like, do you know what? Makes sense. Just the row of four, right? Will an agreeance there? Totally. Ro of four? And if you're thinking, hang on a second, four seats, five people.

How's that going to work? Two entrances, two exits. Poppies eight months. So we share her. She share. She's on the lap. She's seatless. She can sit anywhere, really.

Correct. Okay, so we're all understanding of the situation currently. So here is the question. The question that people get to the question. Parents have wanted answers to for years. And I'm now faced with this exact dilemma. If it's the same question that we've been through, we're doing this again? Oh, okay.

Shut the fuck up. Oh, got it. You sit down and you listen to this. I've been sitting the whole time. Good. Do I get the row with a bassinet, keeping in mind that the armrests are locked? When you're in the row with the bassinet, armrests are locked. The bassinet, obviously, Poppy, a bit old, but the bassinet's there.

Remind me how old Poppy will be on the flight. That's a good question. No one knows. No, she's nine months. Ten months. Oh, fucking what? She's coming up to ten months. Thank you, Ash.

You're welcome. So, do I get the bassinet row? But then the armrest are locks. You can't, you know, the kids want to lay in your lap. Or do I just piss off the bassinet, go for a row where there's no bassinet. But the armrest will go up so you can like make it one big long row. Let's do this. Don't do the bassinet.

Okay. You have Poppy. And then the other three can just fight it out. So you just put Poppy on your lap. Sorry, I'll take Poppy. I don't want Poppy though. Why? She's so wiggly.

Oh, is she? He's too wiggly now. You've forgotten what it's like to lay a baby on your lap. You forgot Ash. She's fine with me. You don't understand what we're going through right now. I literally just spoke to Ash about this exact scenario. Where was I?

Before we recorded. How high am I? When did we have this conversation? So when we went to Bali two years ago, Lily was 18 months, so a little bit older. But it was, again, two, four two. And so I thought, okay, because Lily is in a bassinet, it's actually three of us. And we can't leave Louis by himself. Yeah, you can.

I really wanted the bassinet. The four seats across were taken. But you know how there's that bit of a gap? And I thought you could walk through. So I stupidly booked two seats with the bassinet for me and Louis. And then I booked one seat on the other side of the plane for Dan thinking we could walk across through. You actually can't. You have to go all the way back and around.

That's the dream. That's the fucking dream. That's the fucking flight of his life. Look over. He's got four big. He was like, literally he was sat next to another Kiwi lady who was like, let's get on the wines. He's like, great. Meanwhile, I've got Lily who was so big she didn't want to sleep in the bassinet and Louis

was watching six hours of War Patrol. Oh my gosh. And I stitched myself up. That was like, that looked like pretty good seats. Oh, they're just going to get up. Don't say anything. Don't say anything. Don't say anything.

And I think one of the ladies behind me felt sorry for me. So she had, she gave me a glass of champagne. Oh, that's nice. Not dare. Dan's like, well, I'd have to walk it all the way around because you book the seat. Yeah. Okay, so I don't want the bassinet. No, I think you do want the bassinet.

What I would do with yours. The seat, the arms, Vic. The arm. You're going to get a kid, if you've got the arm up, you're going to get an unwanted kid like crawling across you at any moment. Because like you said, Vic, you know, I don't think puppy's too big. She won't sleep in the bassinet anyway. No, at that age, she will.

Lily was 18 months. Oh, you know much hard better than I do. Is that what we're saying? Well, we know it's age. Oh. Well, I'll go fuck myself. Okay, well, how's that feel? I reckon what you do is you and Laura take the front two seats with poppy and the bassinet.

Give the girls the two seats behind you. So they're in their own little section. You can call it a cubby house. And then they've got their own little seats and they don't bother you as much. And just pretend they're out there. Just like, whose kids are these? So two and two behind each other. Oh, God, you just really put a spanner in the works.

You have. Okay. It must be nice to have all these options. Interesting. When do you go? I actually thought I was. going on Saturday. And then, because I said to you.

I thought you were going Saturday too. And, uh, because we, I knew you were going Thursday. And then bloody Thursday come out of nowhere. I've lost two days. I'm trying to make up for it. I'll keep everyone posing. I'm sure everyone right now is on the edge of their seats. They're like, I want to what he gets, I want all he goes for.

Yeah, I can't know. I think the two and two option is the best. So you get a child each. I know you got a fifth child. That's a great shout. A fifth child? A third child. But do you know what?

You know what's going to happen? Lola will be like, she'll get clinging in. and she'll be like, I want to be with you guys. Yeah. Then you'll end up swapping anyway. Marley won't give a shit. She's like, fuck you guys. Here you go.

Here's a question. Hello. Hello. Are you allowing screens on the plane? Well, they've got the screen in the seat. Yeah. Are you allowing just complete, go for golf? Yeah.

He's all on board with that. I'm like, it's just like they get to gorge on screen time. Yeah. No, I don't think you got a problem. It's the one time. I think flights is like, yeah, yeah, the one time. Really? That reminds me, I did an experiment this weekend just gone, and I did no TV whole weekends,

just to see what would happen. You know what happened? Gone? They created a fort. They read in their fort. Then they played adventure games around the house. There was a moment where they really kept asking for it on like Sunday evening, and we did end up giving them a little bit of spidey simply because... We turned every screen in the house on.

We're like, quick, get you big! No, Lily Lily was like, I want to go to sleep at 5pm. Nice. She's already figured out that she goes to sleep quicker this weekend.

Make the pain stop. Oh, I'm going to sleep. You just, it's not an a year. Ah, shut up. But I heard the new, I got scared,

the new toy story movie. Have you guys seen it? No. Okay, so it's about an iPad and it's all about how when technology comes into your house and apparently it's very provocative

in making parents feel guilty. I thought it was about Andy's mum's toys. So I felt guilty. So I was like, you know what, I'm just going to try. We often give the kids a lot of TV on the weekends just so we don't have a relief. And I just thought, I'm going to just try and see if they can handle it with that. And they did really well.

May I say something? I think, because we're going to give the kids screen time on the weekend, right? And we have other kids that come over who get screen time every evening. My kids. They don't come over. Wish they did. It's a bit far. It's very far.

We're too busy with the possums. Louis would love to come over. He loves people's house. We'll take him. Okay, so my kids, because I only get it on the weekend, when they do get the screen time, it's like crack for them. They are locked in. And we've had other kids come over who get screen time on,

a little bit of screen time almost every day. And if the screens on, they're like, yeah, whatever. And it's like when you were growing up, there were kids who have soft drink in the fridge. And I'd be like, I don't want to fucking raise the alarm bells. You've got a bottle of Coke in the fridge. sitting there, you got to drink that shit. They were like, there were signs.

There were signs that Matt had a problem. You got to drink that. You'll drink that shit. Yeah, I was like, I'll do it. Because we never got it. So when you did get it, you wanted to save every second. So I kind of think it's better to have screen time. Facts.

Little bits throughout the way. Well, as long as it's controlled. Like if my kids, like, I don't know, if they've had a really active day and it's like, look, we really need to get shit done around the house and I don't want a child annoying me. Bam. And then, so like, for example, last night, obviously I was still sick yesterday afternoon. Oscar had Jiu-Jitsu.

Macy had her iPad for a bit while Oscar went off to Jiu-Jitsu. I managed to get the house a bit cleaner because I felt like I've been useless for four days. And then when they got home and dinner was ready, it was right iPads down. We also had at the table. And do they put it down willingly? Yeah, because they know if they don't. You're not getting it. Every time, every time to Lola, especially love her, she's a great child.

But every time I'm like, five minutes, Louis's going to go off. And she's like, got it. Yep, fine. Three minutes? Yep, absolutely no problem. All right, one minute. She goes, that's cool. I'm ready for it.

Okay, time to turn it off. Fuck you. Yeah. No. My favorite thing. Don't take it away from me. It's what you're doing wrong. Just rip the Band-Aid off.

Because you're going to get there anyway. Sometimes I'm like, I've got to, that transition, I've got to manage your expectations. And sometimes I'm like, it's like prying a baby away from its mother. Do you think, because you think I'm not going to get it backing him for a whole week or something? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. So it's like what the great debate, how much screen time should be allowed for kids? I think, yeah.

I think it. Weekends or? It's definitely not going to be a blanket for everyone. I know my kids love it. But at the same time, if I said to Oscar, hey, either you can sit on your iPad or we can go and shoot a hoops in the thing he'd be like let's go shoot hoops like you know what I mean like macy might take a bit more persuading because she's like but I'm like hey there's chalk down there she's like oh fuck this shop out of let's go to my kids I could be like there is a real

life unicorn in the garden right now that you can ride or we can keep watching the TV they're like yeah okay that's interesting yeah I reckon my kids same yeah yeah no so maybe ash is the best parent here what see your word It's not mine, guys. But what you should do, you should really nurture your kids. Don't even put the parental control on the YouTube. Just let them go for it. So then when you want to have debates and discussions around the dinner table,

you can. I don't want to hear about Mr. Beast and all the poor people he tortured. I will say, though, with Poppy, do not put her in front of the screen because there was a study done recently. Is this breaking news? It's not breaking news. Okay, let's just go. Have you got any breaking news for us?

I do have breaking news, but this. came across my news desk from Maggie Dent, who we all know is like guru. How dare you? She told Jen Muir. And she follows us. Guys, I just, I do this for fun. You know Maggie Dan? No.

I mean that I do this parenting thing for fun. I don't know. But she said screen time for any like two and under is actually dangerous for their brain development. They did a study and they actually found that the white matter that goes around the brain cells doesn't form, which is similar to cerebral palsy. So the white matter around the brain isn't forming by watching screens if you're a toddler. Okay, Vic, what are you going for is breaking news?

All right. In breaking news today, finance experts say when it comes to pocket money, parents are doing it wrong. A 2026 parenting survey has found one third of Aussie parents are handing out pocket money to kids without them doing any chores to earn it. Financial experts say pocket money is the east. easiest way to give our kids basic financial literacy and warns parents who don't attach chores to the payout they could be setting their kids up for failure. Where are you at with, honey?

We had the rewards chart, so you get stars. And then, like, so when you do things like you put your bag away, put your lunchbox out of your bag, put it in the kitchen, it gets stars, and then they kind of just fucking gave up on it. And we stopped. We worked great for two weeks. So we haven't really done Pocket money

We're on the cusp of doing pocket money Yeah, I let the kids clean the wheels of the car the other day For a dollar a wheel That's great And there's two cars, it's $4 each, it's fair Yeah, that's decent A stash of money that she made I don't know if you recall

We were a new sir at the start of the year She went busking and made like 250 bucks And so whatever I'm like, we can't afford that She's like, I got him I got him I got a $20 note for his birthday from someone and he's just walking around the house. Anything you want.

Treat yourself. So do you know what this will get me? Sweet fuck all. Petra's expensive. He's like, oh, no, no, no, no. I don't know. Keep a change.

I said to it, they kept turning the heater on and I'm like, that's going to cost you. It's like, that much. Well, I worked on the canteen at school recently and I got some goss from the canteen. Oh.

Let me, this is. This is good match. Just like, oh. What do we got? What do we got? So they said, so our kindergarten year, which is the biggest year they've had before, there's like 135 kids. And they said, we've never seen a kindergarten year with so much money to spend at the canteen.

Like little five-year-olds coming up with like $5 notes, which can buy them like... Everything. That's why there's a cost of living crisis. All these kids are walking around rich as far. When they talk about inflation and right, how do we stem that? Stop giving the kindergarten get so much fucking money every morning. Do you know what's really setting them up to fail? how cheap everything is at the canteen,

then you go to the real world. And it's like, I'll just get an icy pole. It's 50 cents. Go and get one from 7.11. It's like a $4.20 icy pole. It's like going on holiday in Bali to like Monaco. You're like, fuck, I can't afford a thing.

Yeah, I thought that was really interesting. And then when I was... What are the kids like, though? When they, did they just come up, slap a fibre on the bench and they're like, give me your best out. He's a round for me and my friends. I don't know,

but I've never seen Louis so money obsessed since he started school, like so aware of money. and the canteen and always wanting to buy something every single day and get that dopamine hit. And the kids were really respectful in the line. But there was one little kid who came up with five cents. And he's like, what can I get for this? Nothing poor.

You get out of here, you, Bobo. And I was like, sorry, darling. Like, you can't, like, nothing's five cents. You're just, you bitch. We just called him poor. Because I asked and they're like, oh, like, please, I'm so hungry. I'm trying to teach him a life lesson. I haven't eaten and done.

And he's like, sorry, Timmy. Starved, Timmy. Nothing here you can afford, not a thing, go eat some dirt. You've all got a syndicate and what day's going to starve to death? But then he came back and he's like, what about this five cents? And I was like, have a bread steak. Oh, no, that never happened. Yeah, I was just like trying to make up for it.

And then I gave him a roast chicken. Well, my friend Mike and son of their kid, Lenny, he's figured it out, right? So he hides his lunchbox in the school somewhere and then tells a teacher that he's forgotten his lunch. they had a tab. The school called him up and were like, hey, you owe the canteen like $35,000. And they were like, what the fuck?

Yeah, Mike's just like, what the fuck? And it turns out that he was like, he won't eat anything in his lunchbox. Oh, that's Louis this week. Maybe he's sensory he doesn't like what's in the lunchbox regardless. And he's like, have you even looked in there? I put a chocolate muffin there, bro. Have you even looked?

And he's like, done after. I'm hitting it. So it doesn't matter. It was funny when I, I was growing up, one of five kids for anyone who, why is that, why are you laughing at that? That's hilarious. What's what's wrong? You know, no, you're just laying the ground.

Because there's new people here, Vic. Okay. And they may be like, who is this Matt fellow? And what's his story? Matt, who? Maybe. Where's Hamish Blake coming on? Frankie Jay.

Where's Frankie Jay? Frankie Jay, yeah. It was a little, that little loser boy. Yeah, they go over there. Frankie Jay, yeah. So five kids. And we used to get money from, I can't remember how much, like a little bit of pocket money. Actually, if there was, we used to have the Brookfield show, which was kind of like the Easter

show, but in our little suburb, it was a little country camp. And we get 20 bucks for a show bag. Jesus. Yeah, that's decent. Is it a lot? Maybe it's 10 bucks. I'm making things up. Never happened. Back then. And it was, you could buy a house. That's what I did. And mom said that we were all so different. Like my older brother within three seconds and he'd like, he'd spent it. And my sister was a bit more cautious. I would wait till the very end. And on the Sunday afternoon, I then decide what to spend my money on. I just, I liked holding them to the point where I started stealing from them. I found out where the money jar was.

I actually, and then I got done. I think I told the story. I got done because I went up to the canteen and I was like, put all my money on the table. And they were like pushing the panic button. We don't have changed from this amount. I got sent to the principal because they were like, it was so much money that they were like, he's a thieving little bit. What year?

Was this in primary school? Year one. Year one, there you go. You may have seen, and I know I've just talked about Bali, okay? And I was on the Gold Coast. Yeah, for work. I was working, guys. It was hard work.

It looked like I'm real hard. Oh, how dare you? It's just a real job. Okay, being an influencer is not easy. Oh, don't call yourself that. And that content creator. There you go. That's better.

Ooh, thank you. Podcaster. I'm a podcast. Oh, fuck, it's the worse. Is it? Yeah. White podcast. We're two white heterosexual men with the podcast.

I'd suck some dick if someone put it in front of me. Guilty. Okay. Mix face. Right, Vic? You're with us? Right? With it.

Whatever. Whatever. Back to the Gold Coast. Okay. Okay. So, I was born in Brisbane. No, I was just born in Australia. Port Augusta.

Sorry. Vic's like, for God fucking sake. And back in 1987, I was born in Port Augusta. I was raised in Brisbane. my holidays was spent on the Gold Coast and I have now for the very first time after 38 years of being on this earth finally stayed at Balinga Beach

I know we just aren't people are like it's a big deal and like where is that you literally walk out of your terminal onto Balinga Beach I got a high car and I was like put in the maps it was like three minutes yeah literally literally Laura walked and got there before I did

yeah you walk across the Gold Coast Highway and you're there and it's bloody great. Have you been to Blinga Beach, Vic? I've been right near there. My brother and sister-in-law live in Tullabudra. And it is a really beautiful part of the world. It is just the beach there it's quieter as well. Yeah. It's lovely running along the beach there. The houses and this is, I was like, we should we should all pack up and move on the dog guests. It used to be so cheap to buy there. So I used to surf at June Street at Balinga. That was like where we all used to meet there,

which was a nothing spot, but we'd all surf there together and there'd be no issue. But all along there, all my mates used to rent along there, it was so cheap, dude. And there's like, did you go past the 25-hour convenience store? Is that still there?

Where's that one? So along that drive there in Balinga, this is one stretcher road that's called Golden Forst Drive, which is the same, runs parallel with the highway. I don't know why this road is there, if I'm really honest.

It's a bit like, what the fuck, why is there four different roads on this one road? But there used to be a, convenience store there that was open. Their hot gimmick was we were open 25 hours. So they never shot.

That's good gear. But it was a real like one of those places you, it was a touch and go whether you went there in the middle of the night. I don't want to like ruin the store. I don't think they're there anymore. Fair. I think I think that's why it was so cheap to rent there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They moved on. Okay, good. It's now like organic bakeries. There was also a place they're called JFC. Is that still there? I think they're gone as well, bro. Oh, so this guy. How long ago were you there, though?

I lived there for like 10 years. This was like 15 years ago. Yeah. But things don't change. There was a KFC on the other side. So this guy decided to open a chicken shop on the other side called JFC. There was also a hungry Jacks there. And the place was called Jack's fried chicken.

So it'd be like, hungry, come to Jacks, JFC. So he got, anyway, went to court for, it was on the car, I was on a carver affair. Oh. Anyway. The Gold Coast. Full of characters. I know. Full of characters.

No, I love it. Winter Movie World. and do you know what I think is a great thing to do with your kids? Try to move it. A near-death experience. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It really brings you.

I reckon it bring everyone together. It brings you closer together. I've been a couple years ago and the wicked rollercoaster, Marley was like, it's very close to going on it, but then saw it was like, fuck that, not for me. Is that the one where it's like you can sit in the cart to make sure that you fit before you get on it? And that's like that.

Usually scares your shit out of love to the first. No, they just pull out. They're like this little metal stick. Stick. And they're like, and they're pretty chill. There's a couple kids. They're like, you've been to get this? Yeah, sweet.

Okay, cool. They're everything under. They're like, yeah, they need to come on. Poppy's up. Yeah, I was like, say, Poppy, have fun. But Marley was like, I'm going to do it this time. Good for her. And the rollercoaster, the wicked one comes up.

And then it like spits out and you're going sideways. I was like pretty scared. You had scary stuff. And Marley was like, yeah. Miley was like, Daddy, can you hold my head? Like just before you get. to that big drop. She was like, hold my hand, Daddy. And I was like, yeah, gotcha. That's so sweet though. And then afterwards, she was like,

Don't touch me. She was like, we made it. We did it, Daddy. If anyone is struggling to have that little form of connection with their children, just like go bungee jumping or something. Do something dangerous. There was the Scooby-Doo ride, which is like a haunted house tight roller coaster. And Lola, the last minute was like, yeah, not for me. And she's not, like, she was, like, a little, like, train ride that just, like, went in a little loop. She was like, boom. As I was going to see.

That's all I want. And I was like, oh, so Lola didn't go on the Scooby-Doo one. Marley went on there. So I was waiting for her. Sorry. Boring you, I'm going to. No, no, no. I'm really interested in this story, actually.

Because I've never been to movie world. What? I've never been to movie world. Unbelievable. We're going to have to a company trip to movie world. That would be so... Well done. She's played this very well.

Now, every time we mention, she's like, I've never been to Europe. I've never driven in a business. Dennis, never been. I've been there twice. Oh, my husband. Well, your brother lives there. At Movie World? No, he lives on the Gold Coast.

He's only just moved there last couple of years. But I, yeah, we never ever went to Movie World. I went to Sea World when I was at the Today Show. That's how I went there. Never been to Wet and Wild World. Wet and wild, it's just wet and wild. There's no world. There's no world.

And also, don't go to wet and wild. It stinks. Oh, okay. I can't stand. Okay, one thing about me, okay? You don't like chlorine. I do not like water parks because everyone's like, yeah, but they just smell like chlorine. That's the problem.

What are they hiding? Oh, I love water parks. Oh. So fun. You guys would never. We could never be together. No, good. Thank God.

Yeah, skippy, scimby. Let's go to the water parks of the world. Scooby-Doo. Although I'm with Dan who hates the beach, and I love the beach. He doesn't like the beach. He hates the beach. I don't like the beach either. He doesn't like the salt water.

He doesn't like the sand. He doesn't like sitting in the sun. I like surfing. That's it. I got to wash me off immediately. I love the beach. I know Mike, when I surf with him, he never showers after. Because he's like, oh, it's like the way that it dries my skin out and like,

I'm like, you freak? That's weird. I got to get it off. off me. What was the bird park like? Oh yeah, Corrumban. I was like 4 o'clock. We had to wait at 4 o'clock for the wildlife park.

For the lorikeet feeding. And I was like, look, we've been here for a good amount of time. We've seen all the animals, went to the bird show. Bloody wedge-tailed eagle. Fuck me, they're big. Did you go to the honey factory across the road? I didn't. I did.

And they have Surf World there as well. Yeah, I used to work at Surf World. Of course you did. What is Surf World? It's a historical museum of surfing culture on there. How did you do that? Okay. I hosted a couple of things.

The exhibit was set up, but it was more like I would just make, just keep it on, really. Wow. We're learning so much about each other this episode. I know. This has been very enlightening. Add that to the job list. I mean, all over the shop. So by 3.30, I was like, the kids are getting pretty tired.

We've got an early dinner. So we might want to go back to the hotel and just like, relax until we have dinner time. And Laura's like, and I'd never done this before. She was like, four o'clock, the Laura keep feeding. And I was like, oh, yeah. I was like, yeah, but, you know, feeding a bird, what's the big deal? And she was like, you got to do it. And I was like, all right, I'll do it to keep you happy.

And that's like, no, I will not do it. I will not be a wild animal. And then we got there 350. Everyone's coming. And everyone's come from the whole park to this specific area near the entrance where the lorikeet feeding happens. There's even like a big bronze statue of like the guy who founded. Sir Luriket.

So Lorikeet, yeah, so Karamban Lorikeet was his name. And he's there. So I'm like, what is this fucking feeding business? And then they give you pans. That you almost like you would pan for gold with these like metal pans. And they give you this, it looks like warm milk that they pour in your pan. So you're everyone standing of the pans. And then it's, there's a moment where I was like, what's going to happen?

Is something going to fucking happen? These birds come up? No, there's not a single bird here. This is fucking boring. Waste of time. Then all of a sudden he's like, like, look-ca.

Thank you. The lorickets. Come in. Thick and fast. And I was like, it was like, we're under attack. They blink it as a sky.

They come, they swam all over you. And I was like, oh, this is amazing. And I had lorikeets, a lorikeet on my hat. I was like,

Laura, take a bad on it. Oh my God. Talk about a complete change of attitude. This is so boring. Oh my God, birds. I was like, What an experience.

It's pretty cool. I won with a lorikeets. And then it was over and I was like, Come back. Yeah, yeah. I feel like birds get like underestimated when it comes to Sanctuary Parks. Have you been to the burn show at Taronga? Fucking top shelf.

I don't like birds flapping on me. They're not flapping on you. Those ones were. Those ones were. The owl. They, they, they had, what's he doing? So during the bird show, they had a little like amphitheater. They had one person this side.

on like the right edge. On the left edge they had another person and they were like... Oh, the Tarongazoo? Oh, yeah. No, no, this is... It's the same bird. Who's stealing each other's gear?

I don't know. And the hour was like fucking like over my... I was touching the hour. It was wild, Vic. I tell you right now, the bird show at Taronga Zoo is... I was like, I don't know what to see these fucking birds. Like, seriously. Mate, so good.

And then they play Christine Arnau at the end of it. I'm like, sing it's this bird. One with a bird. Like, this is my island home. Ash love singing. Not to say it twice, but wedge-tailed eagles.

Have you guys? Am I right? Have you guys seen those things? It's like a fucking dinosaur. It's like a pterodactyl. This is like, dosh, dish.

I was like, holy fuck. I was like, the birds of what we, the birds were. dinosaurs. Like that's what... Yeah.

I was like, hold on to puppy. Oh, oh, that reminds me. Oh, God. Oh, boy, when I lived in DIY, remember I lived in DeWite.

And that's in my story. No, there's a big park right out the back of where I used to live. Anyway, this guy was walking his dog and a fucking bird

came down. Took the dog. Took the dog. Holy shit. And dropped it in the lagoon. Oh, my God. I know. It was like 10 years ago.

I remember. Yeah. Lucky dogs can swim. Yeah, I think the dog, I don't know, but I was like, I remember, it used to get quite busy out there. It wasn't a dog park, but as an unspoken rule that if you've got a little dog, fine. Yeah. Big mistake.

Because this little puppy. There are a lot of birds. Yeah. Grabbed hold of it in its talons. Wow. Took off. What did the owner do? Chaste it.

Oh, yeah. What a weird experience that would be. I was in my, my balcony. overlooked the park and I was like Is that a fucking dog? Yeah, I was like, is that? Is it a rat? Is that a bird got a, it looked like a rat, but it was a little fluffy dog?

So puppy looked out. I'm like, speaking, get out there. This dog could be no more. Heaven forbid. I'm a big bird guy now. Yeah, me too. They are underrated. My nan has a bird in a cage still.

Which one? Which nan? Which bird? Which bird? I don't know. It looks about 100 years old because it is. That bird is older than me, I swear to God. Birds do live a long time.

So one of Louis's friends bought some birds because they just wanted like a quick pet rather than like one they had to commit to. Then they looked up how long the bird lives for? Oh, forever. 60 years. Yeah. 60 years. They live a long time.

Yeah, but you know what? You only get over the bird, just like lift up the gate. No, because they're not. They don't survive in the wild. Just do what my nun does and hit him over the head with the brick. Okay. Well, it had bird cancer apparently. But anyway, so she's got this bird now.

Way to bring the mood down. Well, like, birds are amazing. And not according to my nana. Well, I had a budgie when I was 12 and I moved to the Gold Coast and my parents are like, no, we can't take it. And she was like, I'll look after it. Yeah, well, she had heaps of birds. And then I was like, what? She had heaps of birds.

Not for long. Not for long, but she still has one bird, pretty boy, ironically. Pretty boy. The ugliest bird I've ever seen. And she's there with a brick being like, one. Yeah, one false move. One false move. Wow.

And I will just say, trip was great. flying back home, a little bit tricky because Poppy is now apparently going on 10 months. Jesus, where'd that go? She's very squirmy, very squirmy, didn't want to nap time on the plane. She was like, too much going. She wants to get going. And I was like, do you know what? It was a bit of a showbag move from me, but I was like, I'll take the baby.

And I was in the aisles being like, shh, shh, shh, shh. Such a good dad. And I'm looking, making eye contact, being like, she's cute, isn't she? She's not even mine. Whose baby is this? I've got to say, though, I love seeing dads do that. It's such a good move. Can't go here?

I know. It's like, if you're in a public place and you're like, I'm bored. I just, my friend's got a baby. I pick that baby up. Oh, yeah, it's great. They're like, baby was asleep, not anymore. If you're holding an infant in public, other moms as a dad, look at you like you've cured cancer. They're like, you're like, you're amazing.

And I'm like, it's just, you know, it's what I do. That's what you, if you're going to commit crimes, be holding you. And they're like, oh, it's fine. All right. Everybody else down. Should we call the police? No, he's got a baby. Not you, not you.

Not you. He's money, sir. But I did have to go and fill up her water bottle. She wanted to have some food, Vic. Okay. So I had to go fill up her water bottle, her baby bottle, if you will. Okay. Food or water?

Food, formula, is what I'm trying to say. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Forgive me. So I had to give her a bottle, right? Give her some formula. So I went down to the little, what I call it, what do it call it, the kitchen? what do they call it?

The kitchenette? What do they call it? Yeah, what do they call that? Crew kitchen. The crew kitchen. And I said, excuse me. It's a clubhouse. I said, can I get some hot water in the bottle?

And the guy said, how much do you want? And I was like, well, because I've got a, you know, a bottle of cold water. I'm trying to figure out the ratio. And I'm holding poppy. And I'm like, oh. And the guy was also kind of thinking. And a female host, he was like, you got no idea, do you? And I said, that's actually really offensive.

You didn't say that, did you? And I was like, but in a bit of a sarcastic way. I was like, how dare you? Yeah, okay. And I was like, give me 30 mil of hot water, please. 30 mil. Straight away. That was bad.

I've gone back to my seat, put in the cold water and I'm like, fuck, this is like. It's boiling. No, it's completely cold. So that I have to go back and I was like. Give me some rounder meal. Yeah, and she's like, you need a bit of help there? And I was like, a little bit. Go back twice, trying to get the right temperature.

It's not half half. There you go. Wish you to know that then. I was like, how dare you question me as a father holding my own child? I know exactly what I'm doing. You have to go back three or four times. That's fucking out of here. We hope you enjoyed this episode.

If you would like to give this a review, subscribe a few comments on the episode on Spotify because I love reading them every single day. It warms my heart. It cleans my soul. Ash, what else? Social media, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, YouTube. Oh, then hey, next step coming up is a Monday episode with a guest.

And it is with Jackie from the nourished shock. Who's that? No recycle So we are learning all about periods Oh yeah that was intriguing It's a very good episode I know Laura's like shut up about

I know She's like April's like What else do you know I'm like Nothing but you'll find out What? Where are you right now in your cycle She's just like

I don't want you to know that information And I was like But Jackie said it'd be good It'll help me help you I'm like how do you work this app Babe? I'm trying to track your cycle And anyone else's the cycle

We want to track it Actually, Vic, we need to track yours as well. We do, actually. I'll send you a code. That's on Monday. So it's a great episode. We'll see you guys then. And we love you.

We love you. I love you so much. Come here. Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigle Land.