Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #243 The Swimming Lesson That Broke Matt

Episode Date: July 14, 2026

Matt's on the brink after a house full of nits and a swimming lesson that never happened. He's also discovered that entertaining a baby is a lot harder than it looks after realising he has no idea how to play with Poppy. Despite being sick, Ash has loaded up on vitamins and is ready to vent, starting with the ever-growing list of foods Oscar has decided he's scared of. Plus, the annoying things kids do that are actually signs you're nailing parenting, and the parenting faux pas Matt says you'll regret if you don't avoid it. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'd love to know where those sandbags are that I've hoarded. They're like, that's a real fucking mystery. I forgot about them. Dumb. I thought, you know what I forgot about them. I've forgot, if you don't know what we're talking about. Ash Don, what are my son bugs? Probably down the beach, Matt.

I forgot about dumb. Thumb. Excuse me. To two dining dads, I am Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. is the good, it is the bad. Oh, relatable.

Sorry, that was a big yawn when you were midway through that. And the relatable. How's that? Sorry. Can I just say, once again, I'm ruining, ruining the illusion here. We are on holidays. I hope you're having a good holiday if you're listening. I'm not.

Ash is not. But we had to record these. A couple of back-to-back records before I went away, before Vic went away. And they left me here all my own. And we left you. And so Ash has not been well. And he's pushed through in tough circumstances. And I appreciate it.

I'm sure the listeners appreciate it. And right now, I'm sure the last thing you want to be doing is sitting here talking to me. You'd rather be at home masturbating. And the fact that you're here. Well said. You're right. I'd much rather be here masturbating. By the way, my pants are off.

Again. No, I'm happy to be here. Be honest. Have you masturbated in the new studio? No. Have you? No. Big?

Hell no. Dan definitely has. Yeah. He's like, Dan just paint that wall and he's like, yeah. He's like, I'm painting it. I'll get to it. Don't you sally his name? Oh, God.

He's sullied his own name. He's all over the wall. So thank you. Thank you for everything. For not masturbating in there? Everything you do for this podcast. That felt patronising. What do I do?

Good question. What do I do? No, you're just, you're digging deep right now. I exist. My tongue hurts. Go on. I got an ulcer on my tongue. What from?

I don't know. I just, I've just been unwell. Just traditionally unwell. What are you taking right now to help? The good stuff. Like what? Vic gave me some horse cum and radish.

I hooked him up. And vitamin C. How's it going down? It's good. Gertie. Thank you. Thank you for asking. Tell you what,

vitamins are getting big. Yeah. You've seen the size of these things? I don't take vitamins. I don't believe in them. I don't really take them either, but I do when I'm sick. Because I'm like, oh, quick, I should.

I never preemptively take them. I just when it's too late. Yeah. I'm like, quick, get me the horse calm in the vitamin C. Full it. How much water do you drink? Now or pre-sic? Your vitamins are like, you're so fucking desperate.

I'm like, please work. I know. Moving forward, I'll take you all the time. Every week, I promise. I'm like eating foods with like zinc and shit in them. I'm like, this one's got vitamin C. I'm going to eat this one. And then as soon as you get better, you're like,

won't need you again. Fuck on. I was like, would you like an orange? Get that shit out of here. Get me the Oreos. Is there any vitamin C in a Big Mac? Give me the Oreos. Definitely.

No, you're doing great. Thank you. Really well. You're doing such a good job. My throat is burning. But let's crack on. Oh, fucking hell. Let's go.

Let's crack on. Let's get it. Let's get done. Let's do another episode. When I messaged you and said, happy Saturday. It was a happy Sunday. And you're like, what's happy about it? Oh, we're all sick.

And I'm just like, oh, fuck. Do you know, actually, I was Crook Friday and April was worse than me. So I, like, did, well, I did the pick up. I was going to go out of school disco. I just had to hang around for, and I was just like, this fucking sucks. This whole fucking thing sucks. But April was like, oh, I feel so bad. And it's like, well, no, well, you're sick.

So I'm going to, I'm going to lift up that she wasn't doing as much. And I was like, don't be ridiculous. And I'm like, just building up resentment in the background. And then the king. have fallen the day after where I was like, and getting sick on the weekend, it sucks, you know? Because it's like, you can't, especially with kids, you're like. With kids.

It's kind of nice if you're like, I'm sick and you miss out on all the things that you didn't want to go to, which is great. But I was like, oh, now I feel bad because I'm not doing anything. And April's like, see how, that's how I felt. And it's like, yesterday when I felt a little bit better, I was like, right, April took Oscar to Jiu-Jitsu, which is usually in my job. I just like gave the house a bit of a whip around, made myself feel a bit better.

Do you ever feel like sometimes you're always? Like hem up the sickness? You're like, I can't, I can't. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I'm like,

I can't get out of bed. I wish I could. Yeah, I'd love to go to Jit, so I really would love to be there in traffic. Sometimes I'll just like whisper into the kids. I'm like, you just want to stay here and lay bed would be done you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't have to leave. I'm just like, I'm too sick to do anything about to stay home and do nothing. If it makes you feel any better right now, we are fucking dealing with a knit infestation that just won't go away. You've had nits in your house a lot over the last few. Less that you go into school now, but remember Akindi had a few bouts.

It's never ending. We can't get on top of the nits. It's because you all have long hair. Me and Oscar over here, just like short hair, nothing catching ass. I'm just like dodging nits. Are you getting nits? Are you getting nits? No.

I'm just like... Yeah, we've had nits at our school, but thankfully we haven't got them yet. Yeah. And I think the parents are to blame here. Hair out. is bad. I think everyone just needs to, like, right now, all together, the first Tuesday of the month, or do a treatment.

Do a pre-knit treatment. Yeah, let's get rid of the nits. Because you can just spray moving now. And that's, as a precautionary, I don't know how much it works. What are you using and why isn't working? Let's figure out where you're going on. It's because the kids have got it at school. Every fucking other week, they're like, get a message in the group chat being like,

just letting everyone know that the nits are back. And I'm like, fuck, I'm sending them. in like sacrificial lands into school being like, all the best. I know it's, they're going to get it. It's like sending your children in the trenches over the front line into, it's Gallipoli. The firing line. Just straight bullets going everywhere.

And I'm like, try not to get hit. And they're like, it's Gallipoli. There's mortar shells going off and I'm like, they're going to get hit. I've got a solution for you. Just remove yourself from the group chat. That's what I do. I just going blind. I don't know what's going on in school.

Kids come back. kids with itchy heads. School emails, school emails. Shut up. Straight to junk. Just shut up. Okay. Yeah, just it's, it's the, it's the, it's the, it's there.

It's rampant. Has you got them in your head? How dare you? You did last year. That's my biggest fear. Yeah, I could just shave my head though. I've got a head for shaving. They don't like my hair because I want clean hair, I think.

Mine's, I only wash it. It's like mosquitoes. Once every six weeks when I get a haircut. Once every six weeks. Oh, I can I just say, Vee? Don't shame. I haven't washed my hair in 10 years. You don't have any hair, bro.

I just shave it off, start again. I'm all about that. About what? You never get dandruff? I don't know. Someone else is probably like, this guy's coming in dandrum. I'm just oblivion.

You're quite clean. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. How often you're showering? Oh, once a month. Ah. Oh, you know, me and Dan, we shower once a month.

I'm sold of the earth. No, he showers once a day. That's what he's telling you. No, because he needs to wash off all the dirt. To be honest, I shower like four times a day. Because you masturbate so fucking much. I told you that in confidence. And then he slips over in the shower.

That was one time, pre-kids. Okay? April comes in, he's just on his back, legs over his head, fucking jerking off. April's like, oh. At least stop. Don't tell me what to do. Okay. Nits, we get it.

They're annoying. They're annoying. Every time someone talks about Nits, so everyone gets itchy. A little bit itchy. Are you itchy? Yeah, you do, yeah. A little bit itchy. We got Marley.

A Kindle. What a great present, right? Is she a good reader? Are you getting good, aren't they? She's very good right now. Oscar's outreading me. She's churning through the books. And she's just, I reckon, probably about good eight months.

She was like, I just want a Kindle. So we were like, great, birthday. Let's give her what she's always wanted. Give her the Kindle. And I'm like, books are expensive. Well said. Thank you. On the Kindle?

Except Ash's book. Except Ash's. Ten bucks at Big W. Don't go to her else for it. Trust me. That'll be expensive. They're bloody expensive and they had the option you can pay for unlimited and I was like, don't try to swindle me, Kindle.

So it's expensive to buy the book to go on the Kindle? Buy the books, yeah, a little bit cheaper. How do they get it in there? I don't know. You download it. It was a joke bit. Okay. Just so you know.

But I said to my, I signed up with my account and I was like, look, and I also didn't know what her reading was like. I'm not sure how much she's going to use this product. So I was thinking, I'm not going to go all in, get, they're like, bells and whistle subscription. I want 50 shades of grey first. And I was like, you tell me what book you want and I'm going to buy it. And she has a little read.

She goes to bed at 7 o'clock. She likes to read for a little bit in bed. Oh, that's gorgeous. But I was like... Is that a subtle brag? Was it? Yeah. Didn't mean to me.

Worth it. Hey, whoa. Go for it. That's before she does her charity work at the orphanage. Yeah. Very good. What sort of charity work should do? Explain yourself.

After she reads, though, does she then put herself to sleep? Correct. Sometimes I'll say, come on, like you've got to, you know, turn the fucking lights out. Got it back! I don't know. Our kids over here are just like, fucking not reading like that. Well, like, this is, get a test. She's a genius. She's quite clever. Yeah. The problem is with having a clever kid is that they're fucking clever. Yes, yes. And they figure shit out and you're like, damn it. Well, it's like when I was reading to her and she was corrected being the words, I was getting wrong. So I couldn't read her because I had too much anxiety. I was like, and Timmy was, and she's like, walking.

to the beach. Get it out, you fucking direction. Sometimes I correct Oscar when he was already correct, just to cut him down a few pegs. Like that. That's good. Just so he knows who's boss. No, so I was like, hey, just with the Kindle, I was like, if you, I know, it's connected to my phone. If you buy any books without my permission, I know, I get a message, don't do it. Okay.

Okay, Dad. I went to sleep. Woke up. She's bought a lot of books. She's gone on a shopping spree. Does it have a limitation of what? Because there are some smutty books out there. No, I mean, I should.

And it could be mistaken because a lot of them are fantasy. I should have, I should have put like a kids lock on it. With fancy covers, yeah. I should have a kid's lock on it, but I... She's got the tantalizing dragon. No, she has, um, there's like a diary book. The deep yearning. It's like a story where it's written from the perspective of a girl,

written writing her diary. Oh, okay. So I woke up, I look at the notifications and I'm like, you are so smart, but also. spending so much of my money, I was like, we're going to get kicked out of this house because you spent too much money on books.

Went a little bit too hard. Yeah. On the fear. Are they novels? Or can you get kids' books on them? This is coming from a place of complete ignorant. Well, look, you buy a book for 12 bucks. Still adds out.

18 bucks sometimes for the bigger ones. How much did she spend, though? Not that much. Enough. One's enough. I just, it was the fact that I said, these are the rules of the Kindle. It wasn't that much.

But it's the principal. It's the principal. Thank you very much. Yeah, I didn't know that, I just specifically thought they were for adults. And they could only buy, like, novels and shit. No, it's actually, it's quite, it's a great, technology. Technology. I mean, I know that Kindle's been around for a while, but I'm like, wow.

I always just think it's a fad. That's the only thing I read with. Are you a Kindle gal? I'm actually an I book gal. Sorry? Yeah, it's on my phone. I figured out the only way I can read books and I love reading is if it's on my phone. so I use the ibook app and I buy all my books through that.

But don't you, like, isn't it bad for the... That's toxic. No, you turn the brightness all the way down and then it turns black at night, which is the only time I read it. What about all the other colours? I can get through so many books each year, whereas before I did... Obviously, we're not giving her enough work.

I was reading till midnight. You should get some more sleep. Yeah, I know. But before that, I literally only read one book after having Louis before I had Lily. And I was like, this is, I can't do this. I need to read. it's like the way I relax

and then once with Lily I started putting it on my phone and I just like, because we breastfed lying down I'd put it like behind her head and I'd be able to read while I was breastfeeding what are you reading?

At the moment it's called Big Beautiful Life. I bet it is. What's it about? It does have so sexy scenes. Dan, Dan, show us your big beautiful life. Is it a bit of like

are you going in there? Well, it's a rom-com It's by Emily Henry and a lot of the movies. It's smart. No, it's not smart. Women love Smuddy books, hey?

April's just like bought the off-campus book, like the book that it's like based of. And I'm like, you-ho! It's not, like, there's a bit of sexy, like there's a tension to build up. It's like flirtatious. Okay. You're getting a bit flustered over there. There's this guy in there.

His name's Chad. Anyway, so, okay, I could only listen to audio books in the car and that's it. The only thing I can do. I've tried audiobooks. I don't like them. I like to read the pages. I can't read. I can't retain the information.

I know, I read it, and I'm like, what did that say? That being said, Jen Muir's audiobook is spot on. If I want to listen to Jen, I'll just give her a goal. Well, not all of us have her on speed dial. She calls me, actually. Actually, a little parenting hack. I used to listen to her audiobook on the way to pick up Louis. So then you'd get little tip bits right before pickup time.

Yeah, yeah. It's like when I used to watch skateboard videos and then go for a skate. How did that turn out? Yeah, just like that. What do you mean? You're actually pretty good of skating. What do you mean? Like, when you go for a surf,

Have you ever watched like a surf video? They watch me. I love to see you guys skating. Matt's actually pretty good with snowboard. Yeah, look, we'll probably hurt ourselves. I know. We went to the skate bowl at Bondi to watch that kid drop in and I was like, oh no. Too much.

Too much. I'm not sure if any of you have done this before, but if you have, you understand what I've gone through. If you haven't, make sure you never make this mistake. I am the washing guy at home. You and Nana. Sorry. Nana likes to think she's. No, no, no, actually, you're right.

You're right. Nana does a hell of a lot. She doesn't listen, so don't like that. She doesn't. I think she does listen. Only to me. I think secretly she listens to my parts. We love Nana.

But I was putting clothes into the washing machine and I may have gotten poppy changed and like taken off her pants and the, it wasn't a like a shit-filled nap. He just a wet nappy. Okay. But it was in the clothes. I put that in the washing machine. Did the absorbers come out? And I like, open the watch machine and I was like, what the fuck is going on in here? You're like a little balls.

And they all like expand all the moisture. How did they, science is crazy, eh? And just it's like trying to, oh God. Did you have to rewash? Oh, you have to like rinse them. Every item of clothing, you have to rinse then to get like to get the balls off. It's like when someone leads a tissue in their pocket. Worse.

Yeah. Yeah, it's way worse. Dan did this recently and he was shocked and appalled. No, we actually had one of those. nappy sheet things that you stick to the, and he put that in the wash. Like a puppy pad? Yeah, I guess for kids. And Louis went the bed.

He put the whole sheets and everything in the wash. And then he was like, what the fuck is this? Same thing. That'll do it. That'll do it. Yeah, I do recall, like, I think it was a wet nappy that just exploded. And I was like, what's all this in there? And they're like, and I can't imagine that all through my fucking club.

I just throw them all out. Oh, yeah, I've got the house down. That's the only plausible. Insurance claim. No, I've never done it. But to be fair, like now. We're not in nappies anymore. So we might have done it at one point,

I just don't remember. Must be nice. Well, I'm not the one anymore decided to impregnate my wife. I physically can't. Is Macy out of nighttime napses? Yeah.

A couple of nights, she weed the bed again and we're like, What's happening? And I don't know. And then she just stopped again. So I don't know. It's a mystery. That's very arrogant of you.

What? Hitting like milestones. Oh, I want to talk. This is a parenting podcast. I can't say. We're out of nappies. I just watch your tone if I was you. Okay.

All right. Ash, are you a good dad? What's your time? Thank you for pulling me up and I'll be more conscious of that. Yes, I am a good, I'm the best according to me. I would say you're both good dads. Thank you. So are you.

Slash mom, parent. Thank you. I don't like to define the roles. If you are a parent and you're like, am I good at this? Am I doing a good job? I think if you're showing up, you're doing a good job. Oh, well, like do it a bit more than just show. Let's not.

put the bar too low. No, got to keep it low. Got to give it low so we can get over it. If you're in the room, you're winning. If you exist. Child's like, I'm so hungry. Ah, uh. I'm here.

I'm showing up. Yeah. Feast on my aura. So apparently there are seven weird signs. I like this. So apparently there are seven weird signs that your kid secretly think that you're a great parent. Okay, weird. Go.

Okay. I'll define weird. They negotiate many things. that you say. Oh, everything. They've definitely just brought a list of things kids do. Just like... The first one, I'm like, hey, get in the shower.

It's like, but, but, but, but, just let me... How about this? I'll do this and then... Yeah, okay. Apparently it's because kids don't negotiate with people they fear. They negotiate with people they trust enough to believe their voice matters. They should negotiate with people they fear. Because if there happened to be in a bank and someone holds it up, okay, and they're like,

look, you can go free if you do this. You hear them out. That's what I say. we negotiate everything. That's because you're such a good parent. I know. This actually made me feel better. Okay, cool.

This is what these article is. Yeah. Go. That's good. Do your kids do that? Oh, yeah. Always. So tick, tick, tick.

Okay. I'll just preface this list and say, I don't know what's been put together by anyone who's like a parenting expert or a psychologist. Is it on social media? Yes. It's definitely been well critiqued and well researched. So number two, they climb on you constantly. Tick.

Yes. Okay. It's like, Yeah. Sitting on your lap, leaning on your shoulders, asking for a piggyback, physical closeness is often a child's way of saying, I feel safe with you.

Yeah. They bring you random treasures. Yeah. Mine have stopped doing that. Oh, actually, it's more like random art, but it's crap. Yeah, also it's like down the beach. Like, here's a shell and you're like, go and get me a better shell.

A rock a leaf, half a cracker. It may seem silly, but they're giving you something that they think is valuable. Or they're done with it. It's valuable to them. Yeah, or they're just done with it. Louis likes finding shiny things. He's like a...

It's like a bow bird. Yeah. Number four, they don't mind crying in front of you. What, don't they? Well, they always cry in front of me. It's because they apparently feel safe. They cry in front of everyone. Yeah.

They're at the shops. Don't question the list. They're at the shops. They'll cry. Yeah, don't question the list. Five, they interrupt what you're doing constantly. This is a rage baiting list for sure, because it's just what to explain.

Okay, you could read this list out to someone who's like, what to expect when you're expecting. Okay, well, apparently it's because they feel like you're an important person to share information with. Okay, we're almost there. Number six, they ask you the same question over and over again. I'm just getting triggered by this list. Doesn't it make you feel better? It makes me feel better.

I feel like they put this list. I see through it. I feel like they put this list together to make people for better. Stop fighting. You're always so skeptical about these social media. Apparently they want reassurance from you. They want something from you, that's for sure. Okay, number seven, the last item on the list.

They repeat the tiniest things you've said. This is, I feel like everyone's a good parent because all kids do this. In my experience. When kids repeat your words, it's often because your voice lives within them. Yeah. Except when they repeat the bad things. Yeah, I don't mind. I prefer the bad things than Oscar.

Like, he's just like so cheeky. He can't help himself. I'll be like, go to your room. Is that because he loves me so much? Yeah. Apparently. Okay, so next time, okay, next time I go, put this in your room and you put this in your room

I'll be like I love you too see what he says and he'd be like shut up yeah he'd be like I'm like and go back and forth you're a good dad thank you you're a good dad and you're a good mom and dad I feel like and Dan's a good dad they've just described how every child behaves I know yeah yeah yeah I feel like

they don't eat their dinner means you're a good parent yay my kid's starving I'm the best parent they hate getting in the bath and hate getting out of it because I want to be with you so much I know they It's funny that they fight everything that I asked them to do. They must really love me and I must be such a good parent. But parents just need a little pat on the back. I read that and I was like, thank you.

The first of me wrote it would make a heap of people happen. Yes. Literally. I'm like, what are the comments like on that? Oh yeah. And parents like, here, here. A thousand shares. A thousand shares, yeah.

And it's just me and they're going. This is bullshit. Yeah, God, lighten the mood. I thought I was really looking for groundbreaking things. You know what's groundbreaking? Breaking news. Oh, yeah. Big, what do you got for us?

Well, there's a baby name trend, millennials, can't seem to shake, and it's being reflected in the babies born this year. Baby Center has found the names of some of the TV's most popular characters are being given to this year's batch of babies. Since Friends was uploaded to YouTube last year, the name Monica has risen 122 points, while the high school musical 20th anniversary has seen the names Gabriella and Troy move higher in the rankings too.

Troy? I know. And if you still have doubts, Ash, Gray's anatomy fans have been paying tribute to the show's 20th birthday this year with Derek and Miranda, both jumping higher on the baby name rankings. Derek? I don't know if it's an eastern suburbs thing here in Sydney,

but it's always like Axel and Phoenix. Teddy's a big one at the moment. Yeah, it's not a meters too. Yeah, it's pretty bad. Like ours are real coastal. like, I know Mike's kid's name's Lennox. But then it's like, here's reef, here's barrel, his green room, like the God's say.

His quad. I know, it's like, my dad's name's Wayne. It's like, he, baby Wayne. It's like, all these names come and go. It's like, do you know that whatever you name this baby, it will be an adult? So it's like, oh, let's name him, oh, I don't know, Teddy. It's like, oh, little baby, that's his full name. Yeah, but it's not Theodore.

They're like, let's go with Teddy. If it's Theodore, then at least older it can be like, yeah, Ted. Ted's cool. But like, you know what I mean? They're trying to name kids that they're like, oh, it's so cute as a baby. But it's like, imagine if it's like called up for jury duty and it's like, I don't know, fucking Axel. It's like here's Axel or fucking fairy or whatever. I like to name Axel.

It's strong. Okay. You know what I mean. People are naming babies and not adults. That's what I'm trying to say. Have either of you named either of your kids from like a TV character or someone famous? Oscar is named after Oscar Langburn. he was a

he is a surfer I actually met him you are such a typical northern beach and I told him I'll name my child after the famous surfer Oscar

well we had a few options but Oscar I was very adamant that it can't be something like river like fuck sake like if you've got a river out there what you know what do you name their siblings

what about Macy Grace was meant to be Lucy I spelled it wrong no she was it was between Macy and Lucy I don't know we just felt like Lucy or Matt and then when we had Macy it was like, well, you're Macy. Yeah, me too.

Macy. What about you, Matt? Were any of those names from like famous people? Nah. No, all OGs. I don't get influenced by other people. Get out of here. I'll come up with names myself.

Did you know? Like, real original. Like Matt. That's from the Bible. Yeah, I know. Your brother's, it's Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, isn't it? Close. It's so close to that.

Is it? It's. Adam, Tom. David, Matt. See? It's essentially, it's, it's, it's,

it's, it's, it's, just like, just pick one of these ones. Because you're also Matthew David. How dare you attack my mother like that?

So you've got a brother David in the middle- She was a single mother of five children. She doesn't need someone questioning the names that she gave. Yeah, but that was after

you named them. You were already named, weren't they? She was doing her best. Well, I was going to say, Louis was named after Dan's great-grandfather.

However, I was a huge wonder direction fan. And I knew Louis Tomlinson and he was hot. Okay. That's creepy, Vic. Okay, I'm going to take that bit out then. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, you so hot. Let's call our kid that. No, because all of One Direction, they're all very attractive points. Well, one of them's dead. Oh, that's sad. That was very sad. Well, sad. Thank you. But when I lived in one. No one's talking about facts over here. But I think, yeah. I love One Direction. Well, he's dead. All right.

Louie's still alive. I love those memes where it's like, oh, why is my sister's name Rose? And it's like, and he goes, oh, that's because it's your mother's favorite thing. Thank you for asking watermelon vape.

It's like, yeah, you know what I mean? I think that people should be naming adults and not children. Okay, quickly, just want to ask you this question.

Do you, no, or anyone you know, or your children, are they scared of any particular foods? I've heard people, I don't want to shame people Shame away

Shame away But people are like Scared of bananas Bro Okay I've got two I got two examples Before I get to my child

Really quickly One One of my dad's friends Was a deathly afraid of tomatoes Not even wouldn't even have tomato sauce But like for what reason? I don't know And my room

My first ever Was that your tummy? Jesus It hurt tomatoes It was like Oh I even heard that Did you mention sauce?

Oh It was like a cat Hurring. Hello. Hello, sauce. Anyway, there's that. And then my first ever roommate, Casey, and I'll all name and shame him, he's afraid of bananas. I don't know, maybe they're too phallic.

No, someone I used to work with, he wouldn't let us have bananas in the control room because he hated them so much. And we can't leave our desks in the control because it's live TV. So it's like, how am I going to eat breakfast? That's so, it's weird. What happened? Isn't a smell. Do you think it's smelling? Do you think it's smelling?

Okay, so Oscar. Oscar one. he had, and you would agree with me, subway cookies. Very nice. Delicious. Delightful. That got it going. Whoa.

Dan brings homes and Subway cookies. She's just slept up her seat right now. She's like, pick up cookies on the way home. Because they pump out the smell. So Oscar had one and he must have got sick right after. I'm not going to say the cookie was the determining factor, but he's gotten physically sick after. having that.

And it was obviously something that it's quite a pungent smell and taste. And when it's coming back up, I would assume it's the same, but if not worse. Mate, the other day, I went to buy a cookie and he was next to me and he was like, and then he just started crying. I'm eating this cookie. The exact cookie that we just had before from Coles that looks like the subway cookies, he is like crying. And I'm like, is it this?

Is it this? And to the point where he won't even, like, he is like a meltdown over. a cookie. That's why I was like, is it just my, is it like a weird thing? My kid does. No, I had that one time. I vividly remember what are those, is it not Turo, not Turo, it's a fucking Turoz. Oh, that's Turox. They're so good. No. You don't like, I, I went and had one when I was about 12 and I just so happened to get the worst food poisoning. Wasn't the Turoz because they're harmless, but I just, that was the last thing I ate and I was for three days, just both ends. And I, as a I remember being so sick.

I couldn't go to my bed. I was just asleep on the couch, and I was hallucinating because I was so ill. It was that bad, and I've never had a churros since. So the churros actually was the victim in all this. The innocent victim. What was it that made you sick?

Do you recall? I remember once I drank too much red cordial, and then everything after that, I was like, I can't eat that. Because now Oscar thinks that cookies make him sick. It's something so delicious. I know. Which is actually not a bad thing

because it means your cookies are safe. Well said. Do you have a word for when you're, when it's coming at both ends? There you go, you do that. What are you going? A good time. I call it an eyeful towel. With your kids?

Like if you're vomiting and. No, what do you call it? What do you call it? The wo-woosies. Well, I can't claim this. My friend coined this term, but we've all adopted it because it's such a good phrase. The wo-woosies. When you're vomiting and shitting at the same time.

Wo-W-W-W-Z. The wo-wosies. Oh, I've got the wo-w-wosey. Never heard that. Give it to your kids. I'm not going to give my kid the woe wosies. No, don't give it to them. Because it's like the sound or what?

Because you're like, whoa. Which ends are coming up. I've only ever had the woeosies once. I was in Malaysia. And I was squirting and vomiting at the same time I was on the toilet. It was fucking disgusting. So yeah, you're right. I was, whoa, the woesies.

It's such a beautiful little name. You're welcome. He's bad. Anyway, yeah, so we're afraid of cookies in my house, which is kind of good because they're not going to eat all the cookies. But, like, I'm just trying to snap him out of it. I'm just giving him cookie treatment where I'm just like, eat it. You know, it's like, smoke all these cigarettes in front of me, boy.

Stop him smoking. You have to pay for a psychologist. Nah, he'll grow out of it. Bit of trauma. One day he'll have a good cookie and go, wait a minute. This wasn't what made you do. So all cookies. Yeah.

The whole cookie family. He goes, you know that I'm sick. It's like one time he got a slight little rash from some pineapple, like the acidic got him. And he's like, I'm allergic to pineapple. I'm like, you're not allergic to pineapple. Well, I am. I'm like, who told you that? Mom. Oh, course, she did. Anyway, moving on. I slap some sense into that boy. I will when I get home, don't you want that. I don't know if I'm going crazy here, guys. I think I might be losing my mind a little bit. So I've held off swimming lessons for a very long time because I was like,

don't want to overload the kids. They're already doing gymnastics. That's enough. Why not doing swimming lessons anymore. Well, they kind of, they can swim, they can't do a freestyle. They can float. You can float, but I'm like, I want them to be champion swimmers. Yeah. I want them to be able to swimmer. Yeah. Yeah. Or just survive if they fall in the water. No, no, don't worry about that. Don't worry about that. We want athletes. No, I want them to win carnivals. Laura was a very good swimmer, so I'm like, I know what's in them. She's got some flippers. She's got some, actually, she goes quite a small thing. No, she doesn't. They're big? You're the same size as yours.

no they're not she's got a little chippa lot of toes no mate I've seen the shoes I'll look at my wife's feet well I go to your house I'm like are these your shoes I'm like oh my house I'm like Jesus

she's sniffing her heels and I'm like put her shoes down now and he's like what I know I said she put a picture up of her feet in sandals I'm like remove the sandals so you didn't respond

anyway swimming lessons I'm curious so swimming lessons I was like do what I'm gonna book it in I'm gonna do it and Lord I was like Laura don't worry

I'll take that mental load right off you and I put it on my shoulder. She wasn't even thinking about it, was she? That's the kind of guy that I am. Yeah. So I call up the swimming school and I'm like, hey, I want to book in my kids and they go, go online, it's all online, online portal. And I was like, fuck.

Hate an online portal. Same. No time for that. What do you mean? I hate an online portal. If you've got to put your email. No, I don't want to talk to anyone. Fuck no.

So she's like, online portal. Get that Fred of Frog in there, big guy. So I got on the online portal and this is like 11 o'clock at night. one of the last jobs that I have to do before I can clock off, close up shop, go back to bed. Such a good dad. And I'm such a great dad. God, which is like it never ends, you know. I clean the kitchen.

I didn't. I was none of but. So I'm now feeling out a fucking profile for that, Marley, feeling out the profile for Lola, finally get to like available days. Do you know what? Great result, guys. Thursday 3.30 is available. Shra after school.

Two spots left. Oh, two spots. I'm like, thank the Lord. I'm a good guy. Sometimes it's nice that good things happen to good people. Sometimes a big guy's looking out for you. And so I'm there, fill the details. I book it in.

When's it start? Next Thursday, happy days. So I get a confirmation email. It just says like, hey, we're good. Pretty much. Hey. Just a thumbs up. Just a photo of a swimming teacher like, so I go there on the Thursday.

And I'm like, hello, here for my 3.30. And they're like, what are you? What's your name? And I said, oh, my name's Matt, Lange Lola. Let's start swimming. And they're like, so water here. So water here. So this is a gym.

And they're like, no record. And I was like, have you checked the portal? I was like, no, no, no. And they go, checking the system, nah, nothing here. And I'm like, but I, like, I shown the confirmation. They're like, oh, there's a two phase sign up.

Like, you hadn't yet booked it. And I was like, what more did you want from me? It's done the profile. I got the thumbs up. And they're like, no, you got to go back to the portal. And I'm like, can I do it now? Like, no, back on the portal. And I was like, can I just, they're here.

The water's there. And they're like, well, actually, Thursdays are now full. Oh. I was like, that's, oh. So close. No. Meanwhile, I was like, oh, thank God. I like swimming anyway.

Kids were like, Dad, it's all right. It's just a swimming lesson. Like, it's not just a swimming lesson. And I was like, I was like, I was like, I just need you to admit that you were wrong. Because I definitely. I need this. I have a memory. I did all the forms.

I did the payment. I gave my credit card. They go, we have no recollection. There's nothing on the system. But you got the email. I got the email. You have your bank statement.

But then no money came out. You can't dream this. And I was like, your system, your online portal is shit. You're embarrassing me in front of my kids. It's shit. You're embarrassing my kids in front of me.

And I was like, you need a sort of your portal because it's not working for anyone. I'm like, sir, do you think that maybe... You were tired. You were a bit tired. You're like, I did it at 11.30 and my brain! Obviously not.

And I got out of there. This is why Dan says, we can't do anything like this at night because we make mistakes and we do. And you do. I didn't make a mistake. Clearly you did. I signed them up. Anyway, I'm like to Laura, I'm like,

we're not going back to that fucking swimming school. Like that. Anyway, next morning, we're going back. Getting the kids ready for school. Marley, where are your shoes? Oh, no. She left him there.

She took her shoes off. I didn't realize. So when you realize you walked her out with no shoes on? I just got a, like, back in the car. You were like, I'm so embarrassed. Back in the car. And she puts a seatbelt on now. So like, I was like back in the car.

I don't know. The people of Bundycemi. I had to buy new shoes. You didn't go back? Yeah. I'm not going back there. I'm like, come back in. They're like, sir, we cannot change the portal for the last time.

I can just imagine them going, oh, what about this guy that came in the other day. And I'm like, sheepishly walked back in. Hi! So I had to sacrifice the shoes. So what? No swimming. And I'm trying to find a new swim school and it's everything's bloody hard. It's bloody hard to get to swim school.

Who'd have thought the portal or do you dirty? The portal to the pool. What do you do? I've been done by the portal. You have been done by the portal. It's, I mean, having a two-steper. See, it's like, that's unnecessary. That's unnecessary.

I also, I hate a portal. I know you love it, Ash. I wouldn't say love. But I'm in school's the same. You're like, you adore them. You're always jacking off of a portal. I like in that portal, I mean. You over there.

April's like, what's on your last time? I have a portal where I log the times I've jacked off to portals. Why does it always have to come back to masturbation? Because that's who we are. Because we're two men and we're in a room. And there's nothing else to talk about jerking off. Our next podcast will be about jacking off. Two jerking off dads.

What if I just started talking about wanking all the time? Yeah, what do you got? What do you got? What are you got? Yeah, it called your bluff there, didn't we? Yeah, yeah, do it. Tell us, do it now, you're fired! Quick delete that.

Fair work, I'm not going to like that one. We'll poppy be doing swimming lessons at this particular pool. Not this one, but that's also what's like next of my list is back to swimming lessons being in the water. Oh, that sucks. I know. It's the best. We meant what we said, Vic. I don't want to, okay, I don't want to be anywhere near a public pool.

Thank you. Because it's also, I just don't think, I'm sorry. Do they do them down on icebergs? It's not about the swimming lessons. Oh, no. It's about the bonding. Icebergs, they do actually do it, but it's quite cold. They do it in the shallow and I've got to, like, you can crouch down like this, and then my thigh burn.

But you're in, you're in a random, like, you're in with a random group of other parents. That's how they're friends. And so it's like, Code Brown! Code Brown! There's a poo just flows by. And we're all like singing songs. and no one's really enjoying themselves. I'm just a lot of splashing.

I fucking loved it. You got a kick for pools. I, no, it's not a kick. Cool. Yes, she does. I even spruked it for the swimming center that my kids do swimming lessons because I thought it was such an amazing opportunity.

As a mum of two, it was the only 30 minutes of my week that I had alone time with Lily. And I'm sure it'll be the same for you. It would be the only 30 minutes of your week where it's just you and Poppy one-on-one. And it wasn't about- That's every Friday. with me. I'm not that whole day with her. I'm not that into it. Honestly, I went to, I a couple of times, it was me and Macy. I get it. I get what you're trying to say. The bonding.

Yeah, but then eventually it was like she hated it and I hated it. As soon as I got out of the water, Macy loved it. So maybe I'm the problem. Lillian the water is like joy personified. Like it is like the happiest she is ever. And so as soon as you get in the pool with her, you're just like, you can't help. Actually, Vic, I want to apologize. I have unnecessarily attacked you. and I just did it to impress Ash. I'm used to it. It's not the first time. It won't be the last.

But I think you're right. You are right. You are right. You are right. And I have just remembered something that I do now. Well constructed sentence. Go. Carry on.

Thank you for asking. So I was waiting for. So popping out coming on 10 months. And it had been such a long time since having a young, child, would you call her a toddler? Not yet, no, she's a baby. I know, actually, I called her a toddler. No.

I called her a toddler. Everyone was like, shut the fuck up. Don't age her. I know. I was like, what do you call? Like, is it a baby still? She's a baby. A baba.

She's a baby still. A baba. And so I have Poppy on Fridays and. He's such a good dad. Thank you. Thank you. What is that? Got him.

Got him. I'd love Dan to have a date with kids just one day. I think what you're doing is really good. You're such a good dad. Thank you. Thank you. I was surprised at how much you struggle as a parent, well I do anyway, trying to play, engage with your children. So boring.

When they're baby age, like six months, seven months. I'm like, how are people playing with their kids? Go fish. Yeah, I was like, had a football and I was like, hey. I was like, Frisbee. PlayStation? I was like, what are you? I know.

I was like, how do we? Because she has awake windows. right she has you know like she's up for three hours so i was like okay three hours you know you're have some food right and then a bit of tummy time she's got a couple toys and then after that i was like okay we've got two and a half hours to go i was like what are we going to yeah what are we going to do here how are we going to play two and a half hours a long time and i was like and i'm here like you know this is my time to like really build the relationship with my daughter so i'm like i want to be doing something that she's loving.

I wonder what her phone's doing. It's so easy. And it's really hard. I know. After 10 minutes, I'm like, I don't want to do. Yeah, I think as well, our attention spans are so bad now that we're just like, oh, the phone is calling. I know.

How, if you're, if you have a child that is under 12 months, what are you playing with them? TV? Peekaboo. She, she loves a bit of peekaboo. Every kid loves peekaboo. That's my trick as a photographer. But how long? Literally like I hide behind the camera.

You could go for as long as you want. I hide behind the couch. Bigaboo! Sometimes, so yeah, we kind of, she'll be crawling and I'll hide and I'll come and get her. And even that's,

it's exhausting. It's exhausting, man. It is, yeah. I don't have that. Some people are really, really good at it. And props to those people. I know me.

I am not good at that. I don't, I honestly, I'm like two minutes in, I'm like, is this, we're good? But then the hard thing is,

when you've got that, I've got that one day where I really have that one-on-one time. So you're like, there's a lot of pressure to really have these beautiful moments from like, it's my last time I'm going to have a baby. So I really want to make sure that I'm making the most out of all these moments. And poppy's like, are you into this poppy?

Are you, are you liking this? Am I doing a good job? Do you pick a bit of again. One more time. Give me one more. That's good one. She's like, God, give me something else. You're so unoriginal.

Get some new gear. Yeah, what about something different? What are you got? Yeah. What else you got? We've been doing this for an hour. Swimming lesson together. Or baby sensory class.

Do you know what my favorite time with Poppy is right now? When she's asleep. The bath. Bath is good. Bath? The bar time. Yeah, because they're like, when they can't control the limbs all together. Do you get in the bath with her?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I put the speedos on and jump in with her. I reckon it's weird being naked. I'd go. I'd go budgies too, I think. Yeah, it's good. Don't know.

Dan doesn't bath, so I don't know. He's not a bather. He has a bath at all. He must stink. He thinks he can't fit. I'm not a big bath guy. I can't get in. Because it's great, it's just great to have something that she just loves.

Yeah, they love the water. She loves the toys. And like, so it's the easiest environment, I think, to play with the baby. How many baths is pop we had today? I don't know. We just live in the bath right now. Yeah, I know. She wakes up at 9 o'clock and I'm like, well, six hours in the bath, let's do it.

I feel like you just put him on one of those swinging. things. It was like, yeah, it's having fun. Oh, have you got those jumping jolly

things? I don't have that. Oh, the ones where they can move around. That's pretty cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was, I remember Oscar was obsessed with his. Yeah, Louis, because he was all of a sudden he was mobile. And if she's really wriggly. Oh,

she's quick now. Because Macy was always like, I don't want to move. Get a jumping jolly thing. It's entertainment for you and for them. I heard that they're like really dangerous. Everything's dangerous. Am I making that off?

A little bit of dangerous. It's like the drop-down cot. I was like, hey, where are the drop-down carts? And everyone's like, oh, they- Technically everything's dangerous. They, like, they don't do them anymore because it's too dangerous. They apparently, like, you should get her a pit bull. You just need a door frame so you can hook it over. Yeah, or you get one of the ones with the wheels and they move around.

And there's no, there's no danger there. Like a bumper car. Unless they get out on the road. She'd be like, go around! Oh, yeah, literally had that too. Go around me! Indicating. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, spit in the thing.

And yeah. Hey, Ash, we need to. get out of here, but a little message to all the parents out there. Yes. Stay safe out there, guys. School holidays is upon us and it's dangerous. There's kids everywhere. They're meant to be in school, but they're not.

This is the hardest moment, I think, of being a parent right now. I know. Christmas holidays are going to come around so far. I know. Before we know, it'd be Christmas. Shut up. I want to punch myself in the throat for saying that. I hate Christmas, and I hate Christmas holidays because it's so long.

What about Christmas in July? Ugh. Finance bros, trick Christmas. But you hang in your parents. You're doing a great job. Not long to go. The kids will be back at school. Yes.

Yes. If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave us a review. Subscribe. Five stars, whatever. Next episode will be housekeeping on Monday. And if you miss us before then, you can find us on social media at Two Doting Dads on TikTok, on Instagram. There's a Facebook group and YouTube, both shorts and long. Yeah.

Goodbye. Bye. Bye. Bye, bye, bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.

This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.