Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #244 Crimes At The Breakfast Buffet!

Episode Date: July 19, 2026

Matt's back from Bali and he's got beef... with the nonnas of this country, who apparently think it's fine to kiss children they've never met in airport elevators. Ash also unveiled the greatest travel hack of all time: April's buffet tackle box, a Kmart special that's fed the family for an entire holiday. Matt and Ash also weigh in on the great plane seat debate, why the red-eye flight home is a rookie error, and whether telling your kids the screens are "broken" counts as good parenting (it does). Plus, a Par-Rant about car park vultures circling mid-nappy-change, whether you're a good parent if all you do is bring home the money, and the daycare sickness dilemma splitting one very pregnant listener. If you need a shoulder to cry on: Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I just looked to my right there and I saw a very lovely picture of two beautiful women. It's us. It's us. It's good to be back in the studio again. It feels like I never left. It went quick. Too quick. Do you have it?

I know, I've heard anything. This is it. Could you see we're ready to go. That's as good as we're going to get. I'm something to show. Welcome back to two doting dads. I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash.

And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. the bad and the relatable and we will never ever not even if our lives depended on it give advice no chance no thank you no thank you nothing relevant anyway hey um welcome back post holidays yes uh first of all that's for all you parents out there also for the parents who didn't go away i think they deserve a bigger applause yourself included yeah thank you that is directed at you it's although today it's a pupil free day So well done for tomorrow.

Yeah, the finish line is inside. It is so close. Like the last day is like, they're so ratty, I guess. You run out of things to do for them. My kids are just like, they're like, I'm bored. I'm like, oh, why don't we give you toys to other kids? That'd be fun. They're like, no, I'll play with them.

Sucker. Look, I did feel guilty. I was, of course, away in Bali and in the group chat. I was sending my holiday pictures. And Vic, you still away? Is in Vietnam. I know. Of all places.

still there. And a little update from her this morning, lost a camera. That's going to be so bad. She believed she may have left it on the plane. So if anyone is flying in Vietnam, a few champains on that flight. Camera out of way.

Where's Louis? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. Smile. Oh. Oh. Actually, Ash and I were talking, were like, did see her stories last night

and she was having a couple of cocktails. And one of the messages was like, it was such a day. I'm like, and bet it was. I'll give a proper update on Bali because I know you're chomping to hear about my holiday I can't wait to hear about all the fun things you did Yes I don't want to just going to get that wound

Open it up put a little bit of salt in there But that's for Wednesday's episode Yes yeah And we should also say a little hello to Lockie Oh yeah shit Where'd you go from? He's come from Life on Cut But also he's been working with us for a little while

Helping out with our videos He's now the new Vic For this week only Vic Don't worry Oh, worry. We can't afford him. Okay. You can't afford it. He's very expensive. The head count for this podcast. It's growing. There's more people than dads.

So Vick will be back next week. That's good to hear. Look, there are two things that I want to talk about. And I don't want to be a one-trick pony and just talk about the holiday for the next two weeks. However, it's all I've got right now. It's called memories, Matt. Yeah, I want to re-living the trip through you. Two things I want to talk about. Firstly, I hate to attack any group of individuals.

This is directed at me or? Not at all. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you are safe. Because I identify as a group, and individuals. You are safe. Thank you. The group I want to attack, the group I have a problem with. Oh, God.

Both elbows on the table is serious. They're nonners. Okay. I've got a problem with the nonas of this country. We're talking about Italian grandmothers. Look, I think they were Italian. I'm pretty sure. She had the little stumpy walk. That's Italian. That's it. That's all you need.

She had a bowl of pasta. Was she consistently in awe of all the concrete? She was watering the concrete. Okay, of course she was. Baby Jesus statues around the place. Well, look, we got to the airport and we were flying out to Bali. I'm not sure, Ash, if you saw what I posted, but we had some uniforms, some costumes for Mali and Lola. They were the air hostess uniforms.

I did see that. For Quinas. You kept that under wraps? thought you would have talked to me about that before. I was like, April was like, did you know about this? I was like,

no about what? This is news to me. She was like, where did you get? I don't know. I don't know. So I mean, I didn't think,

I showed them to Marley and Lola. This is before we flew out. And I was like, look, this is pretty cute. And they were like, we're wearing that on the plane. And I was like, if you want to,

like, sure. And they were pumped. They had the hair slipped back. Oh yeah. They got lipstick on. I was like ready to fucking clock them in and start a shift. Border lining on child. Labor here,

God. And so we parked the car. We're walking two departures and we get in an elevator, Ash. I'm familiar with the concept. Who was in the elevator? The captain. Al Nona. Okay.

Okay. I'm listening. Lola is someone who I think isn't aware that she puts herself in a situation where she's going to get attention. She was like, oh, the outfit's great. Like, cool. End of. I don't think she understood what that would then...

The knock-on effect of that, which is people going to ask questions. Right. So we're all crammed into this elevator. There is a family with a non-no. It's not just a single non-a by herself. So we're just waiting. Hello. So we get on the elevator and Lola is standing in a way where she's like next to the

non-a. And the non-a's just like, oh my God, look at these little beautiful babies. And she's like, it gives Lola a hug. And she's like, mm-hmm, and kisses her in the forehead. And I was like, oh. But it was like a beautiful non-a. I couldn't be like, hey. She could have been in disguise.

Fuck off. Touched my children. But it was like, it was very brief. And the nona was just, you know, just doing what nonas do. Being invasive. And then we get out of the elevator and they walk off. And they walk off. You guys have a good trip.

And Lola's just like, what the fuck just happened? Oh, yeah. And she was like, what did you do something? And I was like, what do you mean? She's like, who the fuck was that? It's such an awkward situation. I know. In a moment where there's Nonna thinks that she's just.

just being a loving grandma, giving some affection to a young child. That she doesn't know. You don't want to be the one who goes, back the fuck off, lady. Get away from my fucking kids. Yeah, you start with one, non-or, then what? You just move on to the next one. Then all of a sudden, you're just like, don't come into my kid! I've got the non-as with pitchforks at my house being like, let us touch your children.

The problem is, I've, with this, is the country and the region of origin. They're very kissy. They are. They're very kissing. Europeans in general. The double kiss. double kiss. It spreads germs.

It's unhygienic. COVID would have been way less. I actually, like I lived with when I lived in London. Where you lived in London? I lived with the Spanish guy. Sergio. And he, fuck me. In the mornings, he used to wake up and be like, hello.

And he'd be right in my face. And I'd like, pull away and he'd be like, what are you doing today? That's a terrible accent. I think it's pretty good. Am I going to get cancelled for that? Yeah, run with it. Lockheed, should we take that out? Nah.

Okay. And he, like, they're just very in your face. And I was like, I'm brushing. from a fucking teeth. Sergio, I'm going to get a fuck out of my face. But afterwards, I was like, how should I have handled that situation? Like, how do you politely tell a nona

who's completely unaware that she's behaving in a way that's kind of inappropriate considering it's a child that you have no idea connection with? There's not a whole lot you can do because you can't preempt. They're going to do that. To be fair, kids are short, nonas pretty short. So they kind of may be like a too fast for you

to stop. Yeah, like a little one back. You're better off after it's done. been like, you're going to catch it. Whatever my kid's got, you're going to catch it. I don't think the non-as care. They're indestructible. They're like, they're like 70. They're like, fuck it.

But then when we got into the departures and we're trying to find, you know, our check-in area, Lola was like, she's coming back. Oh, no. The Nonna was coming through. And I was like, get behind me. And it was like, you know, a wild dog was coming to attack your children. I was like, they're ready to defend it. Yeah, I was like, I don't kick this nodded down.

But then everyone was like looking at Marling and Lola, I'd be like, look at these beautiful children. And Lola was like, get it up me. And I was like, you should try kissing them. It's really good. So I just want to say, look, if you are a non-a listening to this episode, and I'm sorry to say this, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news here, but you've got to stop kissing kids that aren't yours.

I can't mean you've got to say that. And like, I think that needs to be a message that we should put out there. It should need to be, though. Like, it's just they've got no self-awareness. No self-awareness. They love the kids. Love your own. own grandchildren. Don't love

mine. I mean, if I walked around kissing kids it'd be a fucking crime. Well, literally. If you, but that's a thing, like you're, the nonners for so long have gotten away with it. I'm more of all scared the kids off sort of vibe. Yeah, kids don't know, miscarriage is a rat. Yeah, I think someone's got to

fucking put the nonas in line. And I don't even know if she was Italian or not, but. And they also like, they might do something like that and then be like, oh, it's completely fine. It's completely fine. It's like just play it off. It's not fine. It's not. Don't touch my kid, let alone with your lips. Lola was like, defend me next time, you prick. I was like, sorry.

Next time I'll leave you there. But second thing I want to talk about, and I know that I get hung up on seats on a plane. Yeah, that's your thing. That's your hobby. If there's one thing that gives me anxiety, it's selecting seats for the family on a flight. It must feel so good when it pays off,

like the right choice pays off. Hey, the best part of the trip? The flight. So the issue was, do you want the bulkhead or non-bulk head? That's right. For those of you who aren't up to speed with the lingo of the airline industry, the bulkhead is the end of economy. One step further, you're in business.

Yeah, you're not quite there. Yeah. I just want to be as close to business as possible. I know. I just smell it. I fucking could smell it. I was like, that's lamb. That's good stuff.

With risotto? Yeah. Oh, this chocolate pudding. Oh, my God, it's silverware. Laura looks over and I'm just like, I'm in there. I belong here. You're sitting on someone's lap. But the extra leg room, that is a godsend.

For people who are tall, like six, six to, you're six one and a half. Six one and a half. But like, Locky's like, what, six, twelve? Well, he's seven foot. I know. He's like, he's a leg room. A Scottish giant. But I think when you're with an infant, Poppy is always ten months.

We had the bassinet, had the option of the bassinet, but she wasn't sleeping at all. Like, she's not going to sleep in a bassinet. She's too old. The first time I want to play? No, no, it's not. First time on international flight. It's exciting. You just got that extra room to,

like put the car on, you can cut some laps, bob up and down. You're not hindered to get out because there is that. Like, the only thing hindering you is your family. I mean, the downside is long way to walk to the toilets. Yeah, okay. But I- Use the business class toilet. I wanted to.

Who's their jacuzzi? I wanted to. But then I think like the best part of all on the flight back, overnight flight, red-eye flight from Bali, 1030 departure, it's tough. That's the fucking dumbest flight. It's tough. But then the kids were like, hang on a second.

Where's our fucking screens? Everyone's got screens. When we have screens and I wanted the kids to fall asleep straight away because I was like... You don't get one. And I was like, oh, they're broken. They're not here. Oh my God. Why would you do that?

And then Laura was like, yeah, they are. She's like, go push the button. I was like... I know. I hit it like a non-a. You guys got to be on the same page. And the kids are like, oh, there's no screens. Like, sorry.

And I guess we'll sleep. And I was like, I guess you will. And? Fell asleep straight away. Yeah. See, that's the thing with that flight. I feel like... The intention is to go, oh, well, kids will sleep on it.

Kids will sleep. It's not in time. But a lot of the time it backfires. Oh, I did. Because they're also overtied, they're fucking worth. The time we moved from that flight to the day flight back from Bali, game changer. See, although. Because that's the activity for the day.

But then how did you go with the time difference? Because the only good thing was, because they got, you know, they got like four or five hours sleep. Going to bed the next night, boom. Nah, so see, you fly out there at like 11.30 a.m., I'm pretty sure. And by the time I walk in my front door, it is like 8pm. And the kids go in the shower, into bed, see you later. Because that day is the activity is the fly. Takes it out of it.

And you're like, April's got, as we know, so fucking organized. She's got like the stuff to play with and the screen. They have a full day of activities, really. By the time they get home, they're fuck. Sometimes, last time, Macy and Oscar fell asleep in the country. car on the way home from the airport, straight to bed, woke up next morning, we moved on with our lives. Wow.

But I would much rather run that risk than them not sleeping at home than not sleeping on a in up in the air. Oh yeah, that's high risk. Poppy, she's normally having like the blacked out room. Yeah. The fucking noise machine on full pelt. And in the plane, she was like, what's this? You're good with plant.

You can't nap unless it's on a plane or a bus. I've known. We've had this conversation before because when we went to Vegas, as soon as we got on a plane, you're like, so, I don't know what it is. It's like I'm back in the womb and I'm like, I know. You think that kids,

they've got so much room because they're so tiny. It should just be pretty transfer. But I understand the excitement of it all. Like for us, it's worn off because unless you're in business, you're like, hello, I don't want to get off.

But for them, they're like, this is fucking crazy. Heaven, I did forget to order them kids meals. Oh, which is, that always gets me.

And usually a flight to like Indonesia. it's like, how would you like a piping hot, spicy, nazi? Yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, God, for the baby. Or it's a cabanara like real creamy. My kids are like, oh. Well, they bring out the seafood on an airplane. Should be, okay, we need to start something.

We need to start a position. Well, I've already started by attacking the non-ers. Well, let's ban seafood on flights. You want to go after the seafood industry. Yeah. First of all, I don't think I've ever had seafood on. Fish belong in the sea, not in the sky. Well said.

Okay. I think, a servant on a cruise ship. Up there we should be eating birds. Yep, chicken only. Life for like, well, they don't fly. What about steak? Steak's fine.

Have you seen a cow jump? Very high. There you go. Hey, just on the back of your trip, because obviously I'll update everyone on my holidays on the Wednesday up. But on the back of your trip, I noticed there was an ongoing theme.

And families love going to, and especially like me, if I go away, I'm all inclusive. And none of these villa. crap. Okay, I want food on demand. I want drinks on demand. I want my kids entertained on demand. Yes. I might as well stay home if I'm going to go to a villa. I don't think I'll never send a villa again. No, I don't need it. Anyway, the buffet breakfast is a must in our family. Yes. And I noticed that you were hoarding food for the rest of the day, which families do.

I didn't know everyone was doing this. It's the old thing where it's like, quick, let's eat heaps here so we can save money on the next meal. But then as soon as you leave the buffet, you're like, I'm hungry. Yeah. I really wish I had one more. cross on yeah right so then you start going okay well the kids are easy because you can the things they really like you can hoard those i noticed that you were like packing pastries and stuff like that and what was your form of character like in a bag so we initially started out pretty old school very primitive i think in the pocket we would just go the old napkin unfolded on the table loaded in fold a napkin and then i'd like kind of carry it like down the side of my leg like it's a

crime like I'd shimmy out and it was always like the Bali nine food or like you do it I'm not fucking doing it and I don't think the staff care they couldn't give two shits some people did come for me and say like you're teaching your children that it's okay to steal it's a life lesson bro and I'm like but that food's just going to get thrown out right

right Ash yeah I think so I don't know I don't work in the hotel industry so I don't know but people did say the number one bit of feedback I got is that I should start using Ziploc bags no offense yep amateurs Okay. Okay, what about? And you fall into that category. Napy bags. No. Okay, because we used that.

I saw that. Yeah, we've got a weird smell about them, those nappy bags. They do have... Because they're to hide the scent. Yeah. Like, I don't want my food. Yeah, my croissant now it tastes like fucking lavender. Not for me.

Not for you? No. Even uncensored, somehow scented. Yeah. Not for me either. So I will say that good start. I would say that you're a novice in this situation. Okay.

Which I would accept. We've only, we're new to this industry of crime. Yep. So for me and my family, I'm thankfully I'm married to an expert in this field, the most organized person on the planet. Because she's not organized. She's crazy. Okay.

Not offense, April. And I mean that the most loving way possible. Oh, yeah. Love her for this. Okay. So if it's slightly out the organization, mate, you can see the steam coming out of her ears. Like, she's just like not functioning with it. So the buffet is her area of expertise?

It's one of the areas of expertise. Because she is just going back. She's the plattermum, right? She's a plattermum. She's a platter mom. And they're the crazy ones. Yes, they are. They love them.

So my wife checked in a tackle box, a clear fisherman's tackle box. Why a tackle box? She checked it into a flight, flew it over to Bali for the one purpose, the buffet tackle box, to hoard items for the children to eat throughout the day. But don't you, Kay, I don't want to question your wife's methods here. But do you think the tackle? box is like it seems like an unusual item to bring into a buffet. Like if she's there with fishing rods and like a hat and the tackle box,

be like morning. That's what she did. Like that would raise alarm bells to me if I was working at a buffet. No, it's like, I'll show you a photo to say. It's a clear for the listeners at home. It's a clear single story tackle box, right? Okay. So you can see it's got all different segments and it fits perfectly in her oversized travel

handbag. That's okay. That's a key. bit of information. But that still doesn't eliminate the fact you've got to whip it out under the table. Well, does she do that under the table or on top of? It started with under the table. And then she got brazen. And then she's like a bird. She's brazen. Just she'd get on the table and eat it chip off your fucking plate and take off. That's how brazen she is. So I'm going to show you. She's the tackle box bandit. And realistically, I didn't know any of this was happening until I

got there and I was like... If only you knew the kind of person that you were marrying. I know. There's two photos. This is the first one of young Macy. Full tackle box. Actually, that is a good tackle box. Also, Macy looks so cute. I know. That is fucking... And then Oscar as well.

Buy the pool tackle box. That is amazing. Can I just take back any questions that I had about April and their methods? Because I thought it was like a tall one. That'd be the next one. That'll be the next one. Where did she buy that from? I think she just got it from Kmart.

That is genius. But it's not the first time she's done it. And I said to her yesterday, I was like... Has she ever gone on a trip and forgot in the tackle box? Oh, yeah. She must be... We've got to turn around and go home. I said to me yesterday.

I was like, oh, you wouldn't happen to have any photos of the tackle box down. And she was like, yeah, I've got it right here. She's gone on for future references. Album. Bro, the organizational skills of my wife are next level. Like just an insight, okay, when my parents come to babysit our kids, there's a fucking folder. I love that. Okay, I'll bring some of the folder in next time.

But I just saw your thing. I thought, that's amateur. I'm going to steal that. People did say need to bring a lunchbox, but that's like a lunchbox on steroids. And we'll put these, we'll put that on social media. So if people are like, but how good can a tackle box be? Just you wait. Just you wait.

Look, it's segregated into different, you've got sandwich. And that's the thing, too. Because the issue is, you're just taking pastries. My wife's making full fucking sandwiches at the table and shopping them up to fit in that. I was limited to pastries only. Oh, you got to expect, get some eggs in there. I did.

I went a boiled egg, but I was looking at the fruit salad. It was like, you know, there was, and the fruit in barley is delicious. I was looking at the watermelon, the pineapple, and I was like, I cannot. So April has separate containers for the fruit. Oh, my God. I know. She's like walking in there, like, it's a country. They see her coming.

And they're like, no one questioned her. She knows what she's doing. And she's just spread out making sandwiches. I mean, there were a couple mornings where, like, Laura would get the kids ready. And the next thing, she'd be like, walking off the table, she'd be like, by the way, make sure you bring some pastries back. And I'd be like, fuck, you know.

Oh, you got dumped with that. So then I'm there at the table by myself. And they also then, like, I'd go, I went to go and take some pastries. And I, you know, I was anxious, if I'm being honest. Then I'd come back. And because we had a big table with all the kids, then there was a team of the weight staff bringing the table. And then I was like,

Like, oh. Just sit back down and start it here. He was like, wait for him to leave. I just fucking ran. I had to run back to the room. And Laura was like, what did you? What's your haul? What have you got?

I was like, I got nothing. I can just picture all like the Balinese staff in the back just talking shit about all the whitey. Oh, yeah, yeah. And they're like, what is it? Yeah, did you see that person who's got that fucking tackle box? It was like, better than old man who had a fucking plastic bag. He's got a poop bag over there. Matt, some would say that that tackle box thing is a hack.

Some would say that. I would say that, I'd agree. I have stumbled across a video hack. It's very short that I would like to show you and just see what your thoughts are because I think it's genius and I will be trying it. It says playing who can get the dirtiest chlorox? What's chlorox?

It must be like a spray and white. Copy that. And the best part of this plan is no one can stop me. Do you get it? That is very good. So for people who are wondering, it's a classroom.

And the teachers, they're the cleverest. I mean, they spend the most time with kids. They're canniving. They've built up a set of skills. I'd hate to go to Bali with one of them. What are they bringing in the buffet? So they've got each child with a wet wipe type cloth. And then whoever gets the dirtiest, oh my God.

So they clean up with them and then whoever's got the dirtiest win. So it's a trick. Teachers need to share more of their wisdom with us. Yeah. So I'm going to try it with Oscar and Mason and be like, hey, they'll probably see through this. But I'll be like, we need to wipe all of the surfaces in the house. But whoever gets the do. dirtiest wipe, get something other than I figure out.

You know, that Macy's going to do one of a huge shits in the toilet. She does. And then she's going to come out holding a log. Big old shit. And she's like, here you go. She's just so good at shitting and leaving it. Oh, my God. But you cannot touch your own shit with the wipe.

But she's like, God, damn it. I'm out. Last time we went away, she was like, I just got to go to the toilet suite. We were pretty much in the car and got in the car. And I said, I'm like, before we leave, can you please go and check the toilets to make sure she flushed? Because last time, she just left it in there, remember? Can I actually ask you a question?

No. Yeah, okay. And Vic would hate this. Lucky for reference, Ash and I talk about ejaculating and shit. At least one of those topics get to mention every episode. It's a prerequisite. And so far,

Vic would be listening and being like, oh my gosh, we're just talking about buffets or episode. Let's talk about a cum buffet. Wow. There he is. So do you find that the toilets in, the toilet,

shape is a unique design specific only to that region of the world. Bali. Yeah. It's like a very, it's not the squat ones. I do like a good squat ones. The flasher is on the side. But I was like, I don't know if it's the design of the scoop in the.

It's a very American. Yeah, my shits looked bigger. I don't know if I was shitting more because I was at the buffet every morning. You would. Yeah. You think so. Okay. What was the PSI like?

I don't know. Like no strange level of PSI. Just it was like I was doing two shits. More it was the same. You check the brand of the toilet because that's what I usually do. I was going to be like, what's the... What's the maker this bad boy? It's ridiculous.

It's crazy the array of toilets across the world. That's what I was looking at. I was every time I went into a bathroom, I was like, look at this bad boy. What are they going? We got a Frank 52 design here. They got what, side flash, top flush. Also, they got the bidet as well. So I thought I was flushing it.

And then the fucking bidet came and gave me a facial. I was like... I have a good bidet. I don't mind it. A good bedet. day. When I got back from Japan, I was like, I'm getting one. And then it was like, to get a good one and get it in stores.

It's too much. It takes up to your own. It's like a forever home piece. And you don't want that with the little kids because they're going to fucking plane in. It's a nightmare. But sorry, talking about toilets, though. We did an episode recently we talked about the dad who took his daughter into the female

toilets. And I never realized how much women are okay with dads taking the daughters, young daughters into a, I had no idea. I thought that was entirely out of bounds. I thought there was like, I thought I would get fucking. and murder the only people that were the problem with it are middle-aged white man. Yes, and now... Maybe the common denominator here, bro, is that you're the problem.

So I do an announcement and I say, I'm a man coming in here with a child. You sound like Nana. Nanas is like, I'm a Nana coming in here. So I announce it and then I'm allowed it. It's like I'm allowed in that space, I think. So far so good. That's courtesy. Thank you, thank you.

I just... Because I was also, it's hard because at the resort, you know, I was like, the last thing I need is to come in there and someone's getting changed. No, because they, like, they're like, pool change rooms. And then I'm like getting done, you know, with the like, aren't you the guy I stopped from the buffet and now you're a picking time with the toilet? I was like, I can't handle the heat. You've got a crime list very long.

I think that's something I've learned recently. I feel like if you're, who knew? I feel like if you've got a girl child. You're allowed. That's key to the city. Yeah, you can do whatever you like. Hey, just quickly, your book is still available. Ash.

It's actually still pre-sale. Still pre-sale, so it's the secret ingredient. Yes. What a story. Thank you. It's riveting, they're turning it into a movie. Spielberg's onto it. Well, Sealberg's onto it.

Neil the Seal? Neil the Seal? We're performing in it? It's a great book. Do I dare say one of the greatest I've ever read? Wow. I've not read it. Yeah, I know.

I was just about to say that, wait a minute. I just gave it to you and you went, yeah, that's great. Anyway, so I took a shit the other day. I was like this big. I was like, fuck. Yes, it is available from Big W. Get it from Big W. Why not?

It's cheaper. I don't know why book. Like, anyway, whatever. We'll put the link in the show notes. With the link in the show notes. Yes, yes. Hey, something has come to my attention, Matt. We talk a lot on this podcast about your wife's feet.

Yeah. Here and there. I wouldn't say a lot. But, yeah, it comes up every other than them. Let's take a little trip down memory lane. First of all, we found out that she doesn't shower at night. She just puts a feet in the sink. Correct.

She gets the nozzle and just like... Washes her feet. Just washes a feet. Just give them a little rinse. In the morning, since she will wash her body and not her feet. She keeps her feet outside the door of the shower. Yeah, she's hanged them out. Yeah.

And then since then, I think every now and then it comes up in different ways. Well, it's come to my attention, courtesy of young Lockheye over here, who's provided me with... The internet has rated your wife's feet. Rated my wife's feet? Yeah. Okay. So, but they've also rated your feet.

Oh, who's got better feet? Well, that's where it comes from here. Can I, I'll be honest here, and I'll say I do have a large big toe. Okay. You know, if I could change anything about the feet, it would be the size of the big toe. So, there was... Any mention of the big toe? No, nothing on there.

Okay, that's good. What I will say about Maddie J's feet is, though, according to this rating, are a five-star foot. Out of what? Five. Wow! And it says, gorgeous feet. So those to you playing at home, this is on wiki feet. And young Laura Byrne feet, 4.68.

Oh my gosh. Wow. No comment next to that one because they're obviously not gorgeous feet like Maddie Jays. Let's have a look at these bad boys. She's got little chippiladas, little chippilada toes. Little trotters. Hey, it's, you know, it's not something I thought I'd be known for, but I'd like to thank the feet loving community out there for admiring my work.

You do have a girthy big toe. Thank you. Maybe that's what these foot lovers are into. They're into the big toe. Yeah, it's crazy how into feet people are. Yeah, but there's two types of feet lovers. Go on. People who love more of the toe.

And people like to fuck them. I mean, people who just like to look at them and people like to fuck them. No, people like the souls. They like the souls. I'm not much of us. Souls don't do it for me, but people like the underside. Yeah. They're like, here's the underside.

Give us the part that you can't see. A friend of my soul. has a amputate, like it's a fake, an amputated foot fleshlight. Sorry? Yeah. So it's the, it's the ankle down,

and then the top of the ankle is a, is a vagina. So he's fucking your foot. You fuck the ankle, but you're looking at the foot. Okay. I don't want to, I don't want to yuck anyone's yarn,

but that's interesting. Yeah. The pussy ankle. What would you call that? Yeah. Vajankle. Okay. Yeah.

How did we get here? I don't know. We always end up here somewhere. We were doing so well. Once you started with the cum thing, I was like, fuck, come buffet. Once that happened, we've all down here. It was all down here. Let's move on there.

Let's go to a segment to separate this up. Okay, look, I've got one pair rant. Okay. Here. Do we do it intro music? Let's do it. Yeah, go on. Let's do it.

Okay, I got one here, Ash. This was sent in on the Facebook group, and I thought it was too good not to share because I know this will roll you up. And if there's one thing I love in this, world, it's when you get riled up. It doesn't happen often. Well, talking about the ankle for JJ's, what are they called again? The Vajankle.

Vajankle. I can't take credit for that term. Because the guy who's... You stole it. The guy who we were talking about it. I love how you have to like, be like, I can't. I can't. I'm a professional.

Okay. And I don't, I only use my own material. You've known me for long enough now that I must use my own material. Who's got the Vajankle? Who owns that? One of my race league friends. Also, I won race league. There you go.

There you go. I came P1. How did you celebrate? I joked off. I joked it in the seat. I got it a jankle. I got a jangle online express. They do all sorts of limbs.

I literally got a wristy. Oh, my God. It's good to be back. It is good to be back. Okay, so this one is from Celeste. Hi, Celeste. She says, Perrant incoming.

For context, I have a three and a half year old and a nearly two-year-old. My two-year-old does not like getting her nappy changed in parent rooms. Interesting. Just on that, did you see that they did a swab test on all of those fold-down thing and the traces of cocaine on every single one? Really? Yeah, not surprised.

Whenever they're doing the swab test, I don't need to know that information. Yeah, they're like, well, swap test this. Hang on a second. Now I'm swab it. When they're swab testing anything in the bathroom, you just know it's not going to be a good result. No, what do they think is going to be on that? Oh, sunflowers. Yeah, it's just like.

Seamen and cocaine. Yeah, semen, cum, pubs and fucking shit. That's my kind of change room. Can't wait. Let me in there. Oh, God. That's right up our rally. For context, say, yeah, sorry, the three and a half year old, two-year-old,

the two-year-old does not like getting a napi changed in parent rooms. We'll literally scream bloody murder if we do it. Interesting that the two-year-old is such a like... It knows. A reaction you had. It knows already. It's going to be a very perceptive adult. So we usually resort to the car boot because we don't want to make a little.

life more stressful for us. The car boot is effective, but obviously not as private. Yep. Okay. Now the rant, the way my blood boils when I am unpacking the pram, placing my older child in their car seat, then changing my youngest snappy, keeping everything running calmly and smoothly because, you know, toddlers, she says, Ash, then having someone pull up behind you peeping their head out whilst my toddler is fully exposed from the rear just to say, are you leaving? I actually think that's a fair question. If you can't, I don't think, I think the car boots not as obvious to others. I think if I, look, I edge on the rule of.

Go on. If I'm in a car park looking for a car space, if I see a family leaving, I'd give that a wide birth. Yes. Because of, and I would say the question from the driver, fair. Nothing wrong with the question because you're just asking if they're leaving. But I think it comes down to the awareness of who you're asking. So if I'm driving past and I see a mum

Loading a baby into a car I'm going straight past Because she doesn't need the added stress of waiting for me It does it does At a level of pressure to an already very stressful situation And if you've got a couple of kids involved The area for things to go wrong Yeah

It's much greater Because it could be so simple as Maybe bumping your kids head on the way into the car Then you've got a meltdown kid You're trying to change your nappy And fuck wit behind you Turns up and goes Beep, are you leaving?

Yeah, I'm leaving. But how about you come and finish changing my baby's nappy first? You're fuck with. There he is. There he is. Sorry, sorry, sorry. But I would say it comes out. The question is not the problem.

It is who you are. She says, I'm already operating like it's an emergency because of toddlers. She's diffusing a bomb. And not only are you glaring right up the anus of my child, but you're also adding the unnecessary pressure for me to pack up and leave very quickly so that you can save a couple of minutes to find a park elsewhere. Fuck! I'd slow down.

Some extra context. This is in a Westfield in Western Sydney, which has plenty of parking as it was mid-morning and not peak season. If it were Christmas, it'd be a little more reasonable. This sounds like, this is like, Celeste is like the female ash. It sounds like, and she's like, and let me get, don't get me started on the. The jankles. It's like, if there's plenty of parks, this person's just a lazy fuck. I agree. You're trying to get close. But I think I would much rather prefer you to sit in your car idling with your blinker on. two cars back and waiting for me okay I'd much rather that because as soon as someone gets a bit pushy I slow down it takes me fucking 10 minutes to especially at the beach yeah to get you know the kids in and like that's and I've had someone asked me when the kids so what I would do from the beach

specifically is April would go wash the kids off I would carry every belonging that we own because we had to take everything we own the beach apparently that's what you need the fucking couch of the fridge anyway I carry all that to the car so that I can load that in and when the kids come we can get in and go right but sometimes especially in summer which is fair someone come and go hey you're leaving mate oh go yeah but i'm waiting on two kids under five and 90% of people go ah yeah back i'm out of here because they've got to brain godspeed my friend because they've got a brain but old mate who fucking can't go three spaces back where that's free wants to put someone else's day under pressure get real get real i love i love the passion this is

this is when you're at your best thank you um ash we have a couple of doted dilemmas I think we have a song for this. We do have a song. Yeah, we do. We have a song for everything. Well, let's make another song. Now you need us more than ever. Know that we still have each other.

You can stand us your doding dilemma. You can send us your doding dilemma. All right, Matt. I don't know who this is from. It's anonymous and it goes like so. Are you a good parent if the only thing you do is bring in the money? So you're the primary provider. The breadwinner.

Yeah. And I think like breadwinner's a bit of a shit way to put it. I think like everyone's got their job. I just think the word breadwinner is a bit like. I think it's obviously an important part. It's a good piece of the puzzle that needs to be there. You know, if you're in a relationship where one person is working and bringing in financial security, another person is not, they're looking after the kids.

Obviously it's a critical part. But I think I look at when I was growing up and when you're a kid, you're like, you don't really, appreciate the fact that you've got food on the table or a roof over your head, you're just like, that's fucking pretty standard, right? I mean, at that age, you think it's standard. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I think the issue is those types of parents, mainly dads,

who are looking at that responsibility as being like the kind of be an end all. Your only job. Responsibility as a parent. I think they're going to find it pretty tough because the kids don't really have any level of appreciation for that. And so you're also going to get frustrated at the kids. I remember my dad would be like, I work so hard for this family and we're like, yeah, but I just, I would rather hang out with you.

For sure. And like, I, it's, let's just take the word good for a sec. That's pretty subjective in terms of parenting because everyone, they're better at certain things and they bring certain things to the table. So I think the word good probably doesn't, I wouldn't say you're a bad parent for just providing finances. Maybe that's how it was discussed and agreed upon and whatever. Everyone's going to be different.

I think what would make a good. good parent to a great parent in that situation would be that you are open to it being more than just providing money, right? So if you've had a kid because you made that choice, you can't just be like, well, I pay for them. Yeah. If the way I see that there is, it's like, okay, well, if that's the case, why did you become a parent when you could have just got animals, pets? And then also as well, I think like it is so old school. Yeah. Think about this. You're the breadwinner okay i hate that word but you're the breadwinner right and you come home and you love getting your hands dirty with being a parent as well what sort of parent are you then you're a

fucking great parent yeah because you're gonna build the relationship with your child is going to be so much more robust as opposed to that person who just comes home and and goes hey billy you know i put in two thousand dollars into the bank account this week good night yeah yeah that kid like doesn't give a shit i just put myself in the position it's like i come home i put i've been able to provide for my family. First of all, I feel proud about that, but then I get my, I get stuck in with the kids and, and enjoy it. And then my wife's happy about, think I'm fucking happy my wife would be about that. And she's like, and then also as well, she's like, fuck, this guy's attractive. There's so many knock-ons for being, from going from good to great. Do you know what I reckon?

Maybe I'm putting two and two to make five here. But I think if I had the option of just, someone was asking, what do you think is going to be an easier day for you? You're either going to work, Like do your admin and emails all day or you're going to have the kids all day. Obviously, I get like a lot more out of emotionally working with the kids, being with the kids. But it's an easier day if I'm just on my own working. And I think there's a lot of people out there, dads especially, who lean on the fact that they're like, well, I'm providing for the family as a way of ignoring the fact that it's just a hell of a lot easier being at work and not being with the kids.

Yeah. And like, look, everyone's situation. is going to be different. People have got really stressful jobs that are important, right? Like we've got, we're talking about, you know, doctors, you know, lawyer, all those sort of people that like society really relies on. But at the same time, why did you have a kid if you're willing to do nothing but pay for them? You might as well be single and pay supportive, supportive family financially if you've got nothing to do it. I think it's very, like, it is definitely being bred out because I think like one of the guys in Oscar's soccer team, he's on a sabbatical

this year and he was like it's crazy that as soon as I took a step back from working so much everything in my life is so much better yeah like the relationship with his kids he's like I'm doing drop off at a reasonable time and he's like he and his wife were both high up corporate drop off at 7 a.m pick up at 6 p.m like but they love their kids but at the same time it was like he's like I'm so thankful that I've taken this break just so that I can see that the providing is great but my kids want me as well, right? And I reckon, especially when they're still in primary school, and obviously it's easy for someone to say, well, just like, pause your career. Yeah. But I think if you're going to clock in those crazy hours, I think it's better to do it when the kids don't want you,

when they're in high school and they're like, fuck off, dad. Yeah. And I also think like, you find some balance somewhere. It might not be like every day that you have time to invest so much into your kids. But if you're going to work fucking ridiculous out, if I'm working ridiculous house, I'm saying, I'll look the next two weeks, I'm fucking back to back. But I've taken an extra day off work after that so that I could spend it with you guys because obviously we need to and cost a living of course people got to work more and more and more and more and more that's it is what it is but I think like you've still got to find those moments as a parent at any time of the day to be like I am more than just a money bank a bank account yeah agree ash we've got to have

one more question here this is from Jess it was sent in on the Facebook group which is just such a fantastic group oh if you ask you parent actually and you're like having an awful time with the kids just put the TV on and jump on the Facebook group. Oh yeah. Come and join us. Don't scroll it. She goes, I am dying with back to back daycare sicknesses and I'm in my third trimester. Congratulations. All the flus, the gastro, you name it. The question is, do I pull them out before baby comes or push through for some one-on-one time with the new baby? I feel guilty either way. I would say, look, everyone's fucking sick at the moment. I would say- Everyone is sick at the moment. What the fuck is?

going on. Just like, and the news is always like bird flu's coming. Bird flu. I feel like this is how it works, right? One year, everyone's sick. The next year, everyone's like,

we're sweet. Next year, sick. It's cyclical. Cyclicical. Sicklicical. Let's end the episode right there. Yeah. With this one,

I reckon, I'll just say what I think. Go, please. That's all I ask for, Ash. Is it? I would push through. What? Yeah.

I'd push. through because... Yeah, you've come this far. You've come this far. Also, you're better of building the immune than coddling it too much. So I think you'll go, all right, I'll bring him home, thinking it's the right thing to do,

then all of a sudden you're like, oh, fuck, this kid's sick and they're here. And it's like, or it's like, this kid's home. I can't get anything done. Like, I think that time when you're about to have another child, you need to spend those first little time really putting the work in there. I, dude, I agree.

And not having someone else. Because that kid's not going to. understand, just thinks, oh, I'm off school now. But then also it's going to be like, I'm bored, I want to do things. But you're also like, this kid is going to be a machine when they're older. Oh, yeah. The amount of illnesses that they've received, like, that immune system is going to be. When people are like, wash your hands, Timmy, I'm like, nah, let him play with

the shit and have lunch. Yeah, fully. The immune system. The immune system needs it. Cough on my kid. I don't know. If you want to build an immune system, just go to an old people's home with lots of noners and just sending your kid there.

Oh, yeah, that'll be kissing your left, right and center. I don't know if it's true. You know how they always say, like, when the kid's sick or wasn't from daycare, they're like, the immune system needs it. It does. We went a good couple of years of my kids not been sick. And then this year, sick. I would say, like, you've got to hit it head on, I think.

The days that they need to be home to rest, fine. Yeah. But the days where it's like, okay, well, they've come off the back of a little sickness they've picked up from school. They've got to go straight back. Because if you're with Hold'am, I think, I'm not, I'm not a doctor. But I would say that, like, Like, you definitely notice when, like, your kids been sick,

then they've come good. They've built that immune and they go through the back end of winter and completely fine. Guys, we're halfway through winter. Yeah, you've got another half. Yeah. So whether you pull them out now, you've come halfway, just finish it. Yeah.

Finish the season. Finish the season. Finish the season. Finish the season. And then think of how proud you'll be in summer. Let's go home. Okay. Bye.

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