Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #245 Security Would Like To See You At Reception!

Episode Date: July 21, 2026

Ash has survived the school holidays… barely. With the entire household struck down sick for eight days, he became the designated nurse: cooking, cleaning, and running the ship solo.  Matt's back from said Bali with tales of parent-child massages, the cruellest security camera prank ever played on a seven-year-old, and Ash shares the sacred flannel wash system for dodging Bali belly, Matt and Ash also take aim at this year's report cards. Apparently every kid in New South Wales is just "satisfactory". Ash unveils his masterstroke of parenting: the family Uno ladder, a whiteboard scoring system that's ended bedtime meltdowns once and for all. Plus, some breaking news from the world of science that'll have every dad "looking after his health" 21 times a month, Ash cops a shout-out on another podcast (as "Jamie", naturally), and a trip to the soccer fields ends with poor Lenny copping a rocket to the face and a concussion. Twenty Pokémon cards later, all is forgiven. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I got shamed by Laura. Oh, who doesn't get shamed by their wife? Jesus Christ. Go on. Okay, I farted in front of her and the kids to make Macy feel a bit better because she farted and she was a bit embarrassed about it. And April just shamed me. What'd you say?

She was like, oh, we'd have I been having sex ever again. Granted, I did poo myself a little bit. We spoke about that the other day. Is she wrong for saying that? I honestly, I went full victim too. I was like, how dare you, shame me in front of my kids. It's just air and a bit of poo. Laura shamed you.

Hang on, I'll tell you after the intro. Welcome back to two doting dads. I am Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And they're relatable.

And we don't give advice. No, Laura said to me, how many episodes do you record on the Tuesday when you're with Ash? And I said two. Did you say none of your fucking business? Take out of it. Don't look at our podcast. Why, was she trying to like humbly brag?

Oh, well, we do three. Well, yeah, she's like, you're there all day. I'll get two episodes done. There's only three of us. You've got a whole fucking production team. Yeah. Well, actually, we stole one of her. Locky, welcome back.

Thank you. Sitting in the seat of Vic, who is right now, I'm sure, enjoying a cocktail. She's still looking for her camera. Still looking for a camera. Sorry, Vic. Don't mean to laugh at your misfortune. Her expensive camera as well. She would not have lost that fucking bag we gave her.

If she lost that bag. That's it. Don't bother coming back. Her holiday does look great. Yeah, Laura just said that. She thought it was funny that we don't do that much, but we take a full day. Yeah, because it's got to be organic. It's got to happen naturally without it being forced.

And then he said, what's your next line? The kids are doing my head in. Well, it doesn't help that we've now got the racing sim set up. Don't know what you're talking about. Vic did have a desk where she would work from. That's now That's turned into, there's been like a seat,

a folded up seat. And I was like, what is they? Like it's a, it's a sim racing seat. And that's now fully set up. It's my to go sim. Yeah.

Take it with me everywhere. It feels very much. In here, studio, this is where we do the business, outside, the other side of the curtain, that's where we do like the bachelor parties.

That's where all, yeah, that's where all the man cave parties happen. We're about to start cockfighting out there. It's just us eating barn me's on the floor. I know, literally we had lunch on the floor and then we're like, Simchair? Why not?

Cut a few laps. It's nice. It's nice. School is officially all the way back as of right now. Well done. Well done, everyone. We made it. We did it.

I know Monday we jumped the gun a little bit. Go to be excited. Well, Queensland's back. I think no. Hey, fucking cares about them. For a second, I got to close my eyes and I was back home. Hiler! That's exactly what they sound like.

All of them. You all sound the same. It's because you're all brothers and sisters. Guilty. But everyone now, as a whole, collectively, the country, normality has returned. Ten more weeks and yeah, you got to start again. Is it ten weeks a turn? I think that they shouldn't have a winter break.

I think they should run through until winter actually, the day it ends is like when the kids get a break. Because it sucks, man. It's cold. There's nothing to fucking do. As soon as there's a little bit of weather, it's like, oh, for fuck, no. What was the best thing you did over the holidays? I did nothing. Do you know why I did nothing?

Why? Everyone has been sick. Yeah, what's going on? Honestly, no one left the house for eight days. We were quarantined. What'd you have? Good question. Well, April was the sacrificial lamb for the testing.

So we had her tested for a bunch of things. Nothing. What do you mean? She just had, they were like, no, there's nothing wrong with. The flu? She must have been, I think she had a couple of viral things and then a... It must have been some virus to take her down. okay. I mean, we did speak about it the other day. I was like your house. How's it going with the

gym, the lack of? None. It's not happening and that seems to be the saddest bit apparently. Because I'd been telling her for fucking weeks, because she hasn't been well. Like she's, you know, it's like hanging around. You're a bit the same way. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're all the same. You're all the same you point letters. Where you are a bit crook, but you power through, but you seem to get, you You don't go to the gym as much. So you actually give yourself time to recover. I taper off. I taper off.

April, no. And I was like, oh, my God. Stop going to the gym every day. Just every second day, just to give yourself a chance. And she was like, if I'm well, I'm going to the gym. I'm going to push those weights. Anyway, a couple of weeks back, she gets home from the gym on the Monday morning. He goes, I shouldn't have gone.

And she laid down. And that was the end of it. And I could have easily done what anyone would do. It's how I told you so. What would you do? I'll zip my mouth because I know it's good for me. I just sat there and I just picked up the load, put the whole family on my shoulder for eight days straight. Wow. And did you get sick? No. I was sick the week before, but I went and got

an IV. I stopped training. I rested. I went to bed early. I stopped jerking off. That is, that is serious. He's speechless. It's like the buponic, buponic. What is a buponic? The black plague? You know, there was certain people. Oh, I thought, that was a combination between something else in tectonic. The tectonic plagues, you know, that bloody. It was when the medieval times, when the black plague came through and there were certain individuals, Ash, who were immune to the black plague, and they were then responsible for, like, looking after the town.

That was me. You were that person. I was. Everyone's like, help me. They're just cooking and cleaning. Doing it all. And working. You guys were all away.

So I'm just like. Holding the fort. Wow. Thankfully, like, it was school holidays. and a lot of parents who work in corporate and stuff have a week off or a few days off. So it wasn't overly busy via email. But it was just like a couple of kids moping around. Like, you know what they're like.

Like I've never seen Oscar literally like, I don't want to do it. You know what he's like, he's. Bouncing off the walls. You can't fucking stop him. Who wants to climb Everest? He'll be like, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it better.

You know, let me just climb this mountain first and then it'll do that one. And then the one day they started to feel a bit better between the two of them. April was like, everyone do push-ups. I was still in bed I'm in charge I was like hey it was a rainy day but with patches of sunlight

I'm a weatherman now and there was a low pressure system max temperature of I think it was 16 oh that's cold yeah but the sun came out it was nice I was like hey

whip your shoes on let's get out for a quick scooter just a quick one while the sun's out just to burn a bit of energy you're still sick won't come back get warm again blah blah

and then they're teasing And, oh no, Oscar was being a turd, that's right. And I walked out and I said, hey, you've been crook as a dog for days. You do not have any right to now be a little shit about that you're bored and being shit about whatever. Because I've had to fucking look after you and everyone else. I said, hey, don't go near your sister. Don't tease each other. Just let's just get dressed and go.

I'm like, sweet. They're like, yes, Dad. I was like, hopefully they'll listen. Of course they fucking didn't. I went into the bedroom and I hear a commotion. I put my pants on. I've got one leg on. I'm coming out, hopping out, and I've...

It's good of you to get dressed. Thank you. I've come around the corner, well, I've been warned. I come around the corner and I've caught it just as Macy's cocked her arm back like that. To hit. And fucking walloped him across the fucking back of the head. Macy walloped him. Little Macy.

Yeah. Little Macy. She's so quiet. Well, she's got his violence. That's how she's me. She's like, boom! I would never imagine that. She's such a sweet, innocent little thing.

She is. And she just every down there. mate i saw red i was like especially after i said hey i did say in the warning i'm going to yell at you and i'm going to yell like you've never heard me yell before so don't tease each other just get dressed let's go yeah yeah yeah and of course this happened mate what would you go to phrase i was like i can't really remember it i was like are you fucking i was like full loud like as loud as i could possibly can the neighbors would have heard it fucking two suburbs over would have heard it.

I actually was in Bali and I was like, Ash. Yeah, he said, fuck. I was like, babe, did you hear that? I'm going crazy. I think I just heard Ash. And then I, I stormed out.

I left. I was like, I'm fucking gone. Was April like, oh, fuck, all right, I'm coming? I walked them to their room and I was like,

get in your beds. I said, you're going to find out what prison's like today. Go to sleep. I literally said, do not leave this bed. Do not leave it.

You are not to leave. No fun. Pretty much. And I left and came back. You just go for a scooter by yourself? No, I got in the car, we got a haircut. I just did something for me to try and just relax. Do you know what?

Can I just say? As a man, one of the little moments that's quite nice, he's getting a haircut. Because you get bitch about everyone and it's like a safe space. And also you look good afterwards. Yeah. Well, I do. Absolutely. I ain't questioning that.

Anyway, I get home. No kids. Where are they? Where are they? They've gone off to Poppers. And April's like, look, it's not a reward to them. It's more of a break for you. I was like, oh, thank you.

She's like, and I was so tired because I had kids in my bed for six days. I barely slept because I'll kick him in the back. And then when they came home, Barb, which is Frank's partner, was like, I heard the kids got in trouble. So they've obviously gone over there and be like, Dad, he's really angry with us. He made us lay in bed. We couldn't move for days. They walked in.

But Frank, like, don't worry, here's chocolate milk. Yeah, he's like, his shocking milk. His three iPads, whatever you want to do. You're safe here now, kids. Yeah. Relax. You save. I would never raise my voice.

Yeah. Fuck. That is proper. Anyway, I was like, they walked in the door sheepishly. And I'm like, oh, you know, sorry, dad, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, okay, fuck. But like, it was just like at the point where I'm like. But it is kind of nice when the kids realize they've done something wrong.

Yeah, but for two seconds. And then they're like back at it. Yeah, but still even though just that brief, like, Lola is not a morning person. She'll often say to me, I'm like, morning, well, and she's like, I hate you. It's normally how she welcomes me. And I'm like, that hurts my feelings. And I leave and I don't give her like a nice goodbye. But then when I pick her up, she's like, hey, just, you know.

About that. Yeah. Look. I was being a bit of a dick this morning. I got to say sorry. Yeah. I just woke up. And I'm like, that's all right.

We're cool. We're cool. They just do my fucking. Hey, just quickly, before you went on holidays, did you get a report card? We did. Not for you. Not from April. But for Oscar.

Did he get a report card? Yeah. You too? Yeah, well, how was yours? Generic. I think I don't want to, like the teachers. Here we go. The backbone of this country, you know, they're undervalued, underpaid.

We need to encourage more people to get into the industry. So I don't want to sit here and critique their incredible work. But you will. That report cards are getting a bit shit. I know, year two, like second year in, wait until like a few years down. down the track. Last year, Oscars was like productive feedback. This year it was like satisfactory, satisfactory. And then April, it said physical education, satisfactory. And I was like, do they fucking know who this kid is? Do they know who this kid is? She was ready to go and get down

to school. Mine was the same. Marley, you know what she's like with her reading. She's got the Kindle now. Yeah, genius. She just, she reads like almost 45 minutes every night. She reads better than me. Her reading was satisfactory. I was going to call the school. Everyone I've spoken to. It's the same. It's the same this year. I feel like everyone in New South Wales

has got a satisfactory across the board. Am I missing something? But she's grade one. She's grade one. So I don't want to be that person who then calls the teacher up because it's the teachers last year. She's retiring.

So she doesn't give a- She's checked out. She doesn't give her fuck. I'm like, you know, Marley. She's like, who? She's like, Mark. Yes, I know, Mark. Not the best read-up.

Again, it's grade one. I'm not going to be one of those parents. But my beautiful Marley. I was waiting for it. I said to April, I'm like, you know that iconic meme of that, it's American kid with a basketball and he throws it to his dad? And the mom goes, that boy is going to be a professional athlete. And the dad throws the ball back as a passer,

hits him straight in the face. And it's just like the most perfect bit of fucking poetry. But actually, Lola's, can I just, Take a moment. Lola's was a bloody nice report card. Yeah, I see. That's what I think they buddy you up in kindergarten. And then they like, smack you back to reality.

Yeah, for the rest of the years. So they're all the same now. Look, honestly, I said to April, I'm like, hey, these people, teachers have enough on their plate. I agree. They're enough on their play. As long as there's nothing for us to work through at this age, I'm fine. Because if they're giving me constructive feedback about Oscar, do you honestly think he's

going to fucking listen to me? me being like, you know, like read and write a little bit better, you know, like. But surely P.E., come on. He's an athlete. He doesn't stop. What's it going to take? Okay, if that's satisfactory, I'd like to know what's excellent. Guy, Michael Phelp.

How you going? Hey, go, I'm six. Okay, right. Anyway, but I think hopefully the end of year one might be a little bit more comprehensive. Don't get your hopes up of these fucking lazy teachers. Wow! Am I right? Am I right?

No. Keep it in there lucky. Fucking 12 week holiday bludges. No. We joke. We're joking. Shout out to teacher gym for, um. Oh yes.

Teach a gym. Yeah, he was like, let me get this straight. We get 12 weeks off. Yeah. But we still work like, they still work like an eight to five. Do they? And then they're doing exam marking and stuff over their holiday. Yeah, it's all automated now, isn't it?

I'm just, you are getting cancelled. I'm not. I'm just. has nothing to do with me. I'm just staring. I'm just staring the pot. Okay. I'm just here having to giggle.

You have a note here because we are in housekeeping. We have a note here. You said car seats. Oh yes. Because both Marley and Oscar are there five days apart in birthdays, same year, five days apart. And seven now. So seven or height allows you to be with or without car seat slash booster.

So I want to know where Marley's at, what she's sitting on. We've got the two cars. and we've got like, it's a bit of a smorgasbord of seats. Sometimes Marley's in... Fuck, I've got so many seats in home. What the fuck? I'm like, where the fuck do these seats come from? Also, like, I don't know.

I'm not sure what the ruling is. So it depends on, also, Mali and Lola are always fighting over seats. Yeah. So it's like for them to be out of a booster, like on nothing is, I think seven is the age, but it's 145 centimeters. That's in New South Wales. Copy that. And I could have made that up.

But I'm pretty sure I read that. She was sit in the middle, but it's so annoying. In the middle? in the middle because I got Poppy in her little rear facing. I got, I can't remember these fucking kids' names. Yeah, I got Mal, Barrel, Shazard, Greg, Tom, Dick and Harry. Fucking out.

The Maddie Bunch. I always call Poppy Lola. That's like my, that's dyslexia. That's what that is. So my mum is so bad. You mean I've got, I got more problems that I can be a victim of? Yeah, probably. I think we all do in some aspect.

I do. It's a spectrum. Yeah. We're on it. somewhere. But yeah, my mum would be like, Wayne, Beth, at! Like, she'll go through all the names.

And it's the dog that did the wrong thing. So, what were saying? The car seat. Where is she at? She's in the middle, in a booster. It depends on what kind of mood I'm in. What car, what day of the week? Sometimes I put it in the roof racks.

Oh, that's the dream. I got that box on top of my car. What are your things in there? Oh, shit, I better let him out. Sometimes if I'm just moving the car, because I, actually, I got a fucking parking fine for parking in the driveway. Of your house?

Yes. Bring him up and say this is my fucking house. Well, someone bloody... You were across the footpath. Across the footpath, yeah. Let's dig it up. So I had to like move the car into the street. And then Marley was like, can I come with you?

And I was like, yeah, sure, just sit in the front. Because I'm only going like 50 metres. So before you come from me and tell docks, we drove like 10 meters on the road. Oscar turned seven and the first thing he said, it was like, no more cause it. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's like, give me the keys. Yeah, it's going to a booster. But I was moving the car.

from the visitors to the garage at our place, which is, again, it's like a 100-meter loop. And I was like, hey, how do you feel about sitting in the front? He was like, what? I was nearly like, that's your birthday present, but I thought, nah. Give something more. You know what they love?

I guess there's anything different. The front seat or we've got the seven seat. The seven seat in the back. They're weird creatures, these kids, aren't they? But then it's so fucking annoying. You're going to get only fit two in the back. So you've got three kids. I do gymnastics pick up.

Always one kid misses out. Oh my God, just shut up. I know. So Oscar was like, get in, in he get, puts his seatbelt on. The top strap covers his whole face because he's tiny. And he's just like, mate, the look on his face was like, this is heaven. This is sick.

And then you're like, get back in your bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, get back in your room. Don't say a thing. Just quickly, I was notified by the Doders on the Facebook group, but one of us received a shout out on another parenting podcast. What did they say about you? Beyond the bump, not me.

Not me. Except for those of you who may not have listened to the previous episodes, I received a shout out on the Mamma Mia podcast, except they were like, ah, what's his name? Couldn't get my name right. Frankie Jay. Yeah. So that theme is continued here.

For me? Well, for you. Have a listen to this. And talking about your sobriety journey, which is, I think, fantastic, knowing that your story is helping other people out there, but this is what they said about yourself. As someone who never thought they had an issue with, it where you go, oh, this actually did have more of a control over my life than I thought. And I actually heard Jamie from two Doin' Dad's podcast and also Hannah, who we spoke to about

her addiction. I mean, I don't know that much about Jamie. The way I saw this snippet, it sounded like he had had trouble with alcohol and he stopped drinking. Jamie! Jamie! Look, it happens all the time because of Jam Pike, that's right. People think it's Jamie.

And I don't even correct, I don't correct anyone. You do look like a Jamie. Thank you. People will yell out to me like, Jamie, my boy, what's up? I just can't. Honestly, I don't care. You could call me fuck it. I don't care.

All right. And you'll still be like, hello. I'm like, hello, love you, bye. I see it because people, sometimes people are like, hey, what's your real name? Who are you? I've stopped correcting people. It was. It was a nice shout out, though.

It was. The thought was there. The thought was there, but unfortunately the execution. Good intention. So beyond the bump. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. But it's, it's Ash.

It's Ash, clearly. Hey, Ash, we did an episode last week about periods. And I want to just say really quickly, got some lovely messages. I've got a few messages from people being like, you're a fucking idiot. How are you a man of your age, almost 40 with three girls? And how do you not know about this stuff? I just think, and I said it on stories,

but I'm like, if your response to someone trying to understand a topic that they don't know about is like, how the fuck do you not know that? What does that do to encourage anyone from wanting to understand? and men would just be like, oh, God, I'm saying well away from that. I'm going anywhere near that conversation. And who else are you cutting down while they're trying to better themselves? But off the back of that story, stories where I was like, I'm getting some bad feedback. A lot of Dota's reached out and they were like, actually, I didn't know anything about periods.

I feel like those comments think that you knew absolutely nothing. Guilty. Right. Which is not true because you know there's a cycle. You know the basics of it all. But if we're not educated, like how do you think we find this shit out? get someone on and then we also, essentially we've done a community service.

But also, I blame Laura for this. You know, Laura didn't teach me anything. Well, what's she supposed to? She's not your mom. No, no, I was going to say, Laura's period, thankfully, is one that hasn't caused her a huge amount of issues, right? And I know that some people, you know,

with endometriosis, it causes so much pain and it's such, so much discomfort that it makes sense for you and your partner to understand what's going on. But also we felt pregnant so easily, that it wasn't something that we had to learn about because it just didn't have that much of an impact on our lives, which is, you know, I'm just making excuses.

A bit of context here. No, I think that's fair. Because one person was like, would your wife have a period? Like, how did you not know about your wife? And I was like, I don't know what voice that was. Again, Nana. But I think those doders who then reached out

and were like, thank you for the episode. Yeah, I think like, it was just all educational. Why not? Like, for me, I think the only other than things that I've learned online and maybe like at same April like she doesn't struggle with it like some people really struggle with it and it's like such a heavy talking point in the house because i remember i had a girlfriend years ago like like late teens and she would not be able to walk for a week like she was just so bad so so people struggle out there with it and they probably talk about it more but like it's so counterproductive

and honestly it says more about them than it does about us leaving a comment like that i think if you're not willing to go hey boys yeah maybe you should know some of the this stuff, but good on you because there's other people also don't know this stuff. That's an appropriate comment. Not, you're fucking idiot. There's plenty of things that that person doesn't know about, I guarantee you. So to the donors who reached out with some lovely feedback, thank you very much. Yes, appreciate it.

Oh, Ash, before we go into the main part of the episode, I was at your house recently, and I noticed there's a little whiteboard with some scores. Yeah, Oscar's obsessed with ladders. Like, and I mean ladders, like the rugby league ladder. Who's coming further? Like a table. A table. table. I like a hierarchy, a pyramid scheme.

Yeah, yeah, a ladder. A scoring system. L-A-D-D-E-R. So he's a paint-up. That's a... That's also a ladder. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn it! Yeah, so we play Uno every night before bed. Every night. Every night. We play three games with three cards each. So they're quick, easy, Macy wins majority of them, if I'm honest. Because you're forfeiting or because No. She's a silent assassin. Really?

Like she'll have a draw for and it's her last card and she was like, I don't want to use it yet and pick up. Like I can win when I want to win. But you guys do it as a family? As a family, yeah. That's bloody lovely. I thought you're going to hug your mic then. Honestly.

Thank you. Whose idea was this? I don't know. I think we just started playing and then it was like, hey, I think maybe Oscar was like, how about instead of doing a book, we do Uno? And it just sort of flowed on. But the problem with that.

He's like, instead of like a bit of milk, a bit of whiskey. Yeah. And then instead of, who know, it's poker. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, and then maybe... Cigar. Maybe some meth.

Yeah. That meth is moorish. You're like card sharks. What are they called card sharks? Yeah. It started off as like, oh yeah, okay. And then the problem was, kids don't like to lose. Fucking don't they.

So... I hate it. But the good thing about doing it is, we have a system. If you don't shake hands, with everyone at the end of the thing and you're not like, hey, I lost. You're allowed to be sad. It's fine. You're allowed to show your emotions about being sad. But if you can't be a good sport about it, you're suspended for the first game of the

next night's rounds. Oh my gosh. And that worked a little bit. Oscar missed out the other day and he went to meltdown about missing out on the first game. And I was like, you miss out, you melt down again, bro. You're missing out on the next one. He was like, right. You're a referee with a card system.

Yeah, but then it started to become. Are you like doing like doping as well with the kids? Remember, because of the cup? Performance enhancement. Yeah, yeah. You also spent it for six months? Yeah, Macy needs to be tested. But we were still getting the odd meltdown

because Oscar the other night, he won the first game dominantly, won the second game, dominant. And that pretty much, you've won two of the three, right? Yeah. And we do second and third place as well. Anyway, so he won that. And then Macy won the third one.

And Oscar had a meltdown. And I was like, whoa, whoa. But you've won more, bro. Yeah. And I was like, do you know what? And I took his love of ladders. And I made the Uno ladder. So it's like, okay, well, there's number of way to get, you get two points, one point, two points.

So it's really. And it's absolutely removed to the meltdowns. So what I do is we'll get to the end. And no matter who's one, who's come second or where we're going to enter. The kids hop into bed. April's doing hot water bottles. And I'm getting the whiteboard out. And I'm creating the ladder for the night.

And then I walk in there like a coach at the end of the game. And I'm like, You played good kid. First is Macy and we all clap Macy. And then we all go, okay, and second was this. And, you know, good games, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And everyone's happy. And we all, you know, go to bed.

You are like a proper coach. I'm working on. When I found out you were doing that, I was like, I like that. I want to use that in my family. And I was like, guys, we're playing Uno tonight. My kids are like, fuck off. And I was like, please, come on. Do it for me.

This is for me, this one. We could be like the Wicks family. And they were like, nah. No, I wasn't my name. They wouldn't play it. I was like, well, fuck you guys. So, they play? No, no, can't get him.

You all just let it playing. I just don't. Solitaire? I was like, Laura. It's good, man. I think, like, you simplify it as much as you can, obviously, with a four-year-old where you're like, color number. Whoever invented Uno, well done. Color number, color number.

Well done. Yeah. Oh, I've got some breaking news because, obviously, Vic is on holiday. Vic, once again, I hope you're enjoying the cocktails in Vietnam. The headline is, I can't do a newsread a voice. So I'm just going to give me a, give me a run, give me a run, Men urged to ejaculate 21 times a month to cut prostate cancer risk. My risk level is at an all-time lot.

And if you do it double that, you increase the risk. A month, that's nothing. 21 a month. What are your numbers? Don't tell me. Keep that personal. Locky cover here is.

So data from a long-term health and lifestyle study, assessing more than 50,000 men since 1986. That's a fucking long study. Jesus, because this is written in April, suggests that those who ejaculate 21 or more times per month had a 19 to 22% lower risk or prostate cancer than those who came less. Wow. Okay.

Can't lie with. So 21 is a benchmark. The scientist said, the broader implication is that the more frequent ejaculation, it may offer a greater potential benefit. There you go. Wow. So if ever...

Do you have to keep up that sort of numbers month in, month out? I think you do. Yeah. Oh, God. 21. Let's... Okay. All right.

Let's give yourself an honest number. Oh, God. Okay. Over a month. Or do you want to do it over a week and then you can multiply? I reckon a month probably hitting around 15. Oh. You...

No, okay. 15. 15? Yeah. That's fair. Like, I'm not, you know, I like my dessert, but I won't have it every night. Oh, look, I reckon, yeah? I reckon.

Come on. Spit it out. Oh, I couldn't put a number on it. 20? One. 20? I would say 20. Like, I break it down per week.

No, maybe not that high. Now, think about it. If you break it down per week, it gives you a better indication. I would say 15's a good number. 15 to 20. We need to up our game if we want to survive this can't. of stuff. It's like someone's just come out and said, you've got to jerk off to save your own life. That's pretty much what I've just said there. I'm like, yes, sir. That's a, that's a,

1988. That's a bloody long time. Yeah, and also, like, did it take them that long to find 50,000 men to contribute? But surely, like, they're going to be granddad's like, I knew this was day was coming. Yeah, how often are they honestly giving accurate numbers? Or they just watching them every time. There's a guy with a clipboard and like, and sir, that's his another successful orgasm. Okay, that's breaking news. That's good news. Breaking news.

So to any dads out there, keep on... Stay safe. Yeah. Clean those pipes out. And if she ever asked why you're doing it so much, now you've got a reason. I don't want cancer. Facts. That's it.

Did you ever ejaculate into a sock? Yeah. Here we go. What's the worst place you've ever ejaculated? I'm so glad Biggs not yet. She's going to actually hate this. Like, I can't think of any. he were like a sandwich.

I went into a bin. That's fucking normal. Yeah, it was an empty bin and the PSI was a metal bin and it had a plastic bin bag. Yeah. But the PSI hit the bottom of the bin and went ping.

What's with you on PSI? It's one of my favorite things. Science. I like science. There's two types of people I think this time of year. There are family people like yourself and me that go to Bali and there's people like him,

Locky, who go to Europe. Yeah, he's one of those. One of those. Eurosummer, Bali summer. I don't think Europe, that's not going to happen anymore. That'll be a retirement trip. I'm not interested. Six hours with the kids on a flight was long enough.

Yeah, but also like when we went to Europe, like I said before, it's like a big museum. When were you there last? It's like, don't touch anything. So don't take a photo. Stop ejaculating on that. Yeah. Stop coming on the Vatican.

That's how they would have wanted it. I can't do anything. I can't do anything in this country. I'm trying to jerk off on a monument. April back your shit up, we're going home. I'm just in Rome with that big. People are tossing coins in and I'm just... Oh, God.

Anyway, Bali. It was a great place. Very different, very different to how we used to do Bali. We've been going there a little while because Laura would get her jewelry made over there, so we'd do a July trip. And we've been going, like, one of the first trips when we first got together was to Barley. got together was to Bali and back then we'd stay in the villa and I remember being like oh we could find this waterfall it's like an hour a moped drive and she'd be like fuck yeah we'd do that now now

no no the only adventures that I want to go on like which pool does women in the resort I know it's just like really sickly the kid if there's a pool where you're at and the kids can spend all day and that's all they need like I hate the idea of like we're going on a family holiday I actually I went to Bali when I was a kid with my parents. Yeah. Best time around the pool. You can order stuff to eat. Like, the Balinese didn't give a fuck who's ordering it, whatever.

Great. We did one day tour. I hated it. I was like, this is fucking stupid. Even my parents were like, it was such a fucking waste of time. Oh, and I went out to the rice fields, stimulated the economy out there. And then we came back and it was like, honestly, all I need, all the kids need.

I know. They make it so easy. They know what they're doing at is resorts. Exactly. And it's just, even like my kids all right you know i like to think that i was raising them in a way where they're you know they're strong independent they're resilient they're not they're not so the first we said in two different places we're in noosidua the conrad great place i really like

news to do it's quiet it's quiet okay so we were like you know obviously a lot of time by the pool and we were like but you know what there's like a parent child you get a massage in the same room it's like a nice little bonding session they also get their nails done Like a couple's massage, but for a parent. Yeah. And I was like, that's explaining to Miley. I was like, this person's about to touch you. It's okay.

I'll be in the room with you because you're like, strange of danger. Mixed messaging. Really mixed messaging. It's a procedure though. But midway through, like I'm in the room. I look over and I'm like, Marley, you enjoy this? And she's like, oh, tell you what, I needed this. Stressful.

This is what I needed. Stressful back of the office. She was like, I'm. She was like, tell you what, fill a million bucks after that. Same time tomorrow? Next day, she's like, so we get a massage now? This is our life now? And I was like, fucking pretty expensive at the resort.

And she was like, I could really like book in another one, maybe like two o'clock after, after you have lunch. It's free. He just added on the room. Literally, I was like, fuck, I've created a monster. Yeah. Give my children who are seven, like, and five. I was like, should I get Poppy one?

Yeah, she's just like. Poppy's like, me. But it was nice. You know, there's like, you meet families by the pool, met some lovely young families, made some good friendships. Impressed the residents of the hotel with my swimming underwater. You do love that little trick of where I'm going to, that's like your whole holiday's goal is to swim underwater across the whole length of the pool. I book resorts based on the pool length. Yeah, because there's some doozies out there that you should try.

Thank you. I think you should really give it a notch. Thank you. I would say the highlight of my year so far. Yeah. The Padma Resort pool. Look clean too. Very clean.

We've been over this before. Pissing in the pool in Bali, tick. I think you're allowed to do it. Thumbs up. Okay. I think it's carry on. There's much worse things going on the world than a bit of piss. I mean, I do look at the bar, the swim up bar.

The water is warmer over there. And I'm like, it's like a group of dads. They're not moving. And they're not moving. Yeah, yeah. I'm letting them go, man. They've been there in the pool for like a good four hours. drinking beers.

They are hitting the bin-tangs and none of them have left the pool. Oh, man, I'll admit I wasn't a big pool-pissy guy but Spitz becoming a dad it's fucking fair game. Especially if you're at the bar everyone's, I'm just swimming around and urine.

Well, you're asking for it, right? If you're designing a resort with the bar where you can sit in the water in the stool that is built into the water, they might as well put a urinal there. Like, fuck, like. Like, you know, at least put the bathroom close by.

Like if you put in the bathroom, like 50 media. Right in front of me. There needs to just be like a nozzle that you can like walk into. That also, no, never mind. And a lot of people message me

and they're like, they don't know what it's like traveling with a young child. And they're like, did Poppy get sick? Yeah. So what was your, what was your plan of attack?

I think, look, if you're going over to Bali with a child that's under 12 months, the fact of the matter is, you're just going to get them a bit sick. Unless they're breastfeeding because that's all they're having. No, but even if you give them a bath.

Yeah, this is where you've gone wrong. And I told you this last time. What we did? We strictly flannel wash at the end of the day in Bali, okay, because of this, right? So we, the whole two weeks were there last time. The kids are in the pool. They're in the beach. They're in everywhere.

And then at the end of the day, nice, soapy flannel followed by like a nice warm, wet flannel. Into your jammy. What the fuck didn't you tell me this before I left for Bali? And this is what happened. Why are you holding on to this information? I told you on it. You could go back a few episodes. What episode?

What number? Oh, I don't know, like 1.80. I ain't going back that far. Yeah, you should. Everyone should. Anyway, and then we get home into a bath. Yes. And then I look over and make she sucking the water out of the flannel.

But that's at home. Okay, right. So I was like, see, dodged a bullet. Matrix. Well, Poppy, they had in the kids pool at the Padma, great resort also. They had that little ball, like a ball pit, but they put it in the kids pool. But the next thing, she's just holding these balls and just sucking him. She's taking in like a leader of pool.

water. Oh, God. Yeah, dude. She's had, luckily, the spitty bum came after, came after the fact. So she'd come back and. She's come back. And it's just like, just comes, a PSI on it. The PSR now missing.

Hits the nap, he comes out of the back. I told you the last time I got Bali, Billy was secondhand Bali belly belly, right? That was when you had the, what happened again? The four kids went to Bali, New Slembong. And me and Michael walking up, a friend of my Michael walking up to, this bar for sunset he goes oh feeling a bit crook i'm like okay guys i'm gonna have to go back i'm like sweet i'll carry on because we were meeting people met with them had a drink or two with them and i

better go back it's getting late went back walked in i could tell that mike had been unwell obviously and i was like right sweet i'm just going to go in and going to go brush my teeth have a shower whatever and go to bed and i'm very diligent with not drinking the water whatsoever anyway i brush my teeth wash my mouth with a bottle of water purchased a bottle of water that was there on the sink So I thought. Very responsible. Walked out of the bathroom and Mike goes, I wouldn't drink out of that water bottle that's on the side of the sink.

I was like, why not? He goes, I filled it up with water from the tap to wash down the spew on the floor. And you left it there? I'd had a big swig. Oh, God. It was a waiting game. What happened? I just waited.

And? Six hours. And then it came. Did it? And I was fucked for like the rest of the trip. It was so bad. Mike, come on, Mike. You're better than that.

I know, and he was fine the next day. And then when I started to feel better, he was like, well, let's go for a surf, paddle out, thought I could slip a fart out was, no, just shit. So when we were going with the kids, I'm like, they're not showering. They're not bathing. They're getting wiped down with the flannel. That's all you go. Flannel with soap and stuff, but like, you didn't give them a shower.

Oh, they had like, they would have showers, but like they wouldn't put their head under because they were fucking, they would drink it. They're so dumb. Yeah, they are dumb. Like, they are so, just like, don't drink that while they're drinking it. Anyway, speaking a dump. What'd you do? Well, just one day in particular, whilst we're at the resort,

Mali was being a little bit cheeky. Wasn't listening to me. They have a couple of security cameras. And so throughout the day, she's not listening to me. She's been really cheeky. And I was like, you know what, I'm going to prank her. I'm going to get her back. I'm awful.

So I look over and she's at the security camera that she's like, pulling faces to. And I was like, don't do that because that's a bit rude. It's not that rude, but I was just like, I just saw a little opportunity. and I was like, yeah, you've got to take those. And I was like, you know, if you're rude, if you're being rude to the camera, someone is watching that and they may, you know, be upset, we might get in trouble. And she's like, she's like, yeah.

What I quickly did was then get my phone, I set an alarm for a minute from what the current time was. Yeah. So then as we're walking up on my phone on loud, the alarm goes off and I go, hello. Yes, we are walking back to the resort. Yeah, I'm with Miley right now, my daughter. Oh, you saw that on the camera? You'd like to speak to us in reception. And Mali was like,

she was like, who's that? The panic on her face, I can imagine it. It's my security. They've just called. And I was like, we'll come to reception straight away. I'm so sorry. And then I was like, fucking, yes, got her. And I was like, you idiot.

Next thing, Mali's hysterical. She's like, oh. Oh, they all want to commit. the crime and when they come knocking. And I'm like, come on, man. She's just like, Daddy, please no. And these guests are walking by as she's hysterical. Like she's about to be taken off to jail.

And I was about to tell her. And then Laura comes over. She's like, what's happened? And she's like, Mommy, they've asked me to come to reception. And she's like, what are you talking about? And I was like, yeah, you know. You mean silly, like, this is what happened off to jail. And then I'm the fucking one getting in trouble now.

Well, you did make a cry. I don't know she's going to cry. Yeah. I, look, honestly, I think it's fair game. I had to scare some sense into her. Life lessons are hard and they hurt. And that's one right there. She was like, Daddy, why would you do that to me?

So how'd you back out of it? I was like, you could have played the hero kind of like, don't worry, Malay, I'll take care of this way. I was like, it was just, it was a prank. It was a prank. All right? You had to come clean. And I was like, so then I was like,

I'm the worst dad ever. Oh, well, aren't I just the worst dad ever? I know, that's all I had. That was like my draw four. My unicard. Oh, they got you. They got you. Whenever I'm...

The tears always win. I always win. I do love playing tricks on my kids. It's part of... Those of you listening who don't have kids, one of the best parts of parenting has been able to do little tricks on them and shit like that. Yeah.

I reckon. Speaking of tricks, the World Cup fever is upon us. Okay, it has been for a few weeks now, but we're coming to the pointy end. And all the kids are into it. I'm into it. Everyone's into it. Okay?

So last week, we all went down to soccer fields to have a kick of the ball. So I'm talking me, April, Macy, Oscar, my mate Benos, his kid. Jesus. Who didn't come? Yeah, you. His kid, Cody. And then we also had Mike's kid because Mike was at work. We took Lenny down there as well.

Anyway, we're down there kicking the ball, there's soccer nets, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I saw my mate in the goals. And I said, like, hey, I'm going to launch one at you here. Okay. And I thought, I'm going to launch one as hard as I can at this prick. And for those of you who may have only recently joined us, Ash used to be a semi-professional soccer player. It's amateur.

For the burly bears? No. Who was it? There's a few teams. Should I list them off? Name one of them. Let's just go tweet. I was just tweet.

Tweed Benora, whatever. Oh, come on. Same with a bit more gusto. Tweed heads. The Tweedheads team. What are the sea gulls or were? No, they've changed now. They amalgamated.

Anyway, that's not part of the story. Part of the story is that I saw Benos in the goal and I thought, I'm going to launch one of this prick. It's hard as I fucking can. As you do, as men and mate. you're like, I'm going to fucking hurt this guy. Yeah. So I lined it up.

Okay. I was in my Lionel Messi jersey, the Argentine one. So I, look, Dad was trying to show off a little bit. People love it when you wear that jersey on the podcast. Thank you. Thank you. I was trying to show off a little bit. I thought, I'm going to launch one up this guy.

Please. Anyway, I've stepped up to the plate. I've taken a few steps forward and I've dialed it back to about 60%. Because I thought if I hit him with 100%, it'll end his life. And I've hit it at 60% and it's gone perfectly. about hip height. Look a beautiful. Just missed the inside post

and right behind it was poor Lenny. He's a kid. Lenny's six years old. Yes. And Lenny's been hit square in the face. Oh, God. He got wobbly legs. He went down like a sack of fucking potatoes.

I'm going to be honest. That's a concussion. Anyway, I was like, oh, fuck. Anyway, so I ran over, pick Lenny up and I was like trying to make it up to him as much. Oh, I'm such a bad parent. I'm the worst. April was like.

disappointed. When you make something else's kid cry, fuck it's awkward. I fucking sconed him with it too. It was like, when it happened, I thought he's dead. I've killed him.

I thought I've killed this kid. Anyway, he's come to and his fucking face is like big red soccer ballmark on the side of it. And I've managed to cheer him up and carry on. Carry on for a while. And I was like, fuck, feel it so bad.

And then I forgot. And then I get a message at 8 o'clock at night from Mike, his dad saying, do you have something to tell me? I was like, oh fuck sorry he goes bro Lenny's over here's got a hia he can barely string a sentence together

he was fuck the poor kid's got concussion and he's like apparently he was like you didn't send a message to make sure he's okay I forgot anyway I was like oh fuck I'm so bad I felt so bad about it I was like fuck and Mike was like nah it's fine don't worry he's just a bit woozy

and I was like oh fuck that's the last thing any kid wants after a big day at school go down to play soccer with Uncle Ash and copper fucking balls at the face. Anyway, just smoothed it over, I gave him 20 Pokemon cards. So I'm back in the good books. He can't walk anymore. He's lost vision of one iron. You're like, have a couple of cards.

He was like, oh, we're right. And actually, I picked them up to go to the manly game this Sunday just gone. And Lenny gets in time. And he's like, oh! Yeah, he was like, oh, you're here! And I was like, Lenny, look, I'm really, really sorry. He was like, well, what? So he's fucking forgotten about it.

But no one's led me live a doubt at home. Like, fuck me when you hit Lenny, Oscar was like, like, honestly, you fucking hit Lenny really hard. Oh my God. Anyway, you're a good dad. I think it's time to get out of here. Yeah, we should. We should.

And if you've enjoyed this episode, please leave us to review five stars. Comment, I don't know. Leave us to subscribe. Do anything. I don't know. Where else? What else? You can follow us on social media.

We're at two doting dads on YouTube, full episodes. There's YouTube shorts, there's TikTok, there's a Facebook group, there's Instagram. I think that's it. Is that all not? I think that's everything. Have I forgotten something? No, let's get out of here. Okay.

If we've forgotten something, we'll... Let us know. Lucky, thanks for joining us. Oh, yeah. And thanks for being here. We'll be back with Vic next week. Yeah. Get out.

Okay, bye. Bye. The Dodding Dash podcast, acknowledges to the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia, and communities. We pay our respect to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.

This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.