Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #247 How Will I Find You In Heaven?

Episode Date: July 28, 2026

This week, Ash is up in arms over a betrayal of the highest order after walking in on his wife in... let's just say, a compromising position. Meanwhile, Matt faces the ultimate dilemma: spend the evening watching a war documentary with his mum or having sex with Laura. You won't believe who wins. Ash opens up about why he's changing the way he reacts to sport in front of Oscar, while Matt has an emotional conversation with his girls about heaven that might just leave you reaching for the tissues. Plus, the best parenting lies we've heard in a long time... you'll want to write them down.  ______________________________________________________________________________ If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This may come as no surprise, Ash, but I'm not perfect. I appear to be. Get out of here. But I'm not. Last night, I had many occasions throughout the day where I was like, don't forget, don't forget to do this task. I will say that you're pretty forgetful. Fuck you.

If you can't take the honesty, get out of the kitchen. That's the saying, isn't it? Let me start the episode. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I am Maddie J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast, all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad.

And the relatable. And if you come for advice, you're an idiot. Well said. Shame on you. Shame, it's your fault. Am I slurring my words? Am I slurring? I don't know.

I feel like I'm slurring. I haven't drunk anything. I just very slurry at the moment. Am I having a stroke? We'll find out. Okay, so I had multiple options throughout the day. I was like, oh, don't forget. And I was like, shut up, brain.

I know what I'm doing. Yeah, brain. Get out of here, brain. Not right now. Wake up this morning. I forgot to put the bins out. Yeah. That sound of the garbage truck

as it drives down the hill past my house and then I look like a pathetic loser running out and being like, have they come back? Like, do I chase the garbage truck? You just put it on the other side of the road and they come back up the other side. No, no, they do, because it's a narrow street.

They do both sides. At the same time. At the same time. They're quick. They're so quick. That's skilled. It's called skilled labor. So I was like, what do I do here?

Just chucking in Ronda's been in wait for next week Well luckily I'm flanked by two houses With dead people in there They both dead Well this is used to me My neighbour is in a home Not Rhonda the other one But not her home

She's in another home This is confusing Yeah so I do I have the luxury of multiple bins You can call the council They've got charging to pick up I'm not gonna be a pathetic loser You already were

Although you know how I talked about morphing into Ronda Being like You know the general of the street I reported a car That was parked on the street for too long Why? Because they're taking up car spaces unnecessarily.

It's been there for three months. Did they put a sticker on it? Oh, yeah. Oh, a yellow one? A green one. What does that mean? What does that mean? I don't know.

It's probably just not faded enough from yellow yet. And then you know how I have like a weird kink about reading notes that have been left on cars? How many cars are you coming across with notes? No, if I'm just walking to the cafe and if I see a note that's been left on a car like under the windscreen, I want to read what they've written. I know. I know. Someone wrote me a note because I kept parking in the visitors. saying what? Saying stop parking in the visitors.

But it was like quite politely written. But then like my thought is there's no one ever in there. Like what, you can't, don't have a leg to stand on if you don't have any visitors. Dude, if once you start doing it, then everyone starts doing it,

then fuck, there's no more parks left. And you're the culprit for it all starting. So I think you've got to nip it in the bud early. Also, don't care if that happens. Like, I don't care.

I just scrunch it up and went on with my day. Well, I reported it. I don't know. I want it to be picked up now. I'm like waiting for it to be picked up by a tow truck. Sort of character. Is it? It's a land rover.

A defender. It's quite nice. Really? Yeah, it's just been sitting there for three months. It's probably stolen. I don't know. Have you ever had a car stolen? Never?

I had a car stolen. Can I just quickly tell you about it? Please. I was an apprentice. I was what, 19 or 18? Wait, is this when you're a painter? Is this when you were... A painter this time?

So what car you driving? I was driving a high-lux trayback U. Of course. With 20-inch rims on it? Were you really? Fuck yeah. And I was working in Broad Beach

on the goal. Coast. What's that set you back? How much you pay for that thing? It was like 15 grand, it was it. That's a lot. Yeah, look, it was a great car, actually.

But it was. A terrible ride. Like, and like, I was a painter. How much work were we doing in the back tray? What do you mean by work? Oh. Anyway, moving on. I would park it out the front of this little,

these villas that we were doing at the time. They were like four-story villas. He walked down. So I parked, walked down to the garage and up the stairs to the first floor to look back out onto the street. Sure. And I'm taking that. to stairs after coming back from my car and someone yells out, hey, did you lend someone your car?

And I was like, that's funny. Turn around. It's driving down the street. Shut up. I've legged it up the road after this car. I'm at work boots and all. I'm just steaming towards like up. Like it's in Broadbeast.

So it's not like it's not fast streets until you get out. But I would say you'd have no chance going up the stairs on the road to catch the car. What happened? Well, because you go up and then there was a set of lights. It was quite a busy intersection. So it was like getting out of, I thought maybe I could catch him here. Yes. Don't know what I would have done.

I probably would have been like, I'm there, have a good day. Carry on. Anyway, I got there and he must have seen me come and he's hopped the curb, gone across the grass onto the Gold Coast Highway and taken off. Oh no. It was gone. It was completely gone.

And then I left the keys in it. That's why it was gone. Anyway, I didn't get it back. That's quick though. For so, they must have been watching me. Because I would have, I was back and forth from the car. the time putting the keys down the side of the door because I was back back back back. You think they'd target construction sites? I think yeah. Yes. So I didn't get it back for

ages and I thought right this is over. I had insurance. I had all the right things and I was like sweet actually fine. And I remember I was overseas and I get an email from my insurer saying we've found your car. I was like, fuck. It's like three months. I'd moved on. I just like a breakup. I was like I'm looking for rebounds. And then I got back and I just need to come and inspect the car. And I went to inspect the car. It was in exact nick. except the tray was full of furniture and inside was a lunchbox cooler box like an esky

full of people's garage door keys and the guy goes, is that yours? Yeah, bro. That's my fucking lunchbox full of fucking keys. So they'd gone around just robbing people's houses for three months in this car

and it got picked up because they parked in a tow zone and they towed it away. Wow. Do you reckon they came back to the toes zone? It was like, where the fuck's my car? I've been robbed. Someone stolen my car.

Hello, police. So anyway, I got it back and it was fine. Although I did. Any scratches? No, it was all good. And then it didn't come off the police registry for ages. So I'd get pulled over and arrested all the time. Literally, like, I was on the main road in Tweed, going to the paint shop.

And I get pulled over. And the guy's like, hold your hands out the side of the thing. I'm like, fuck, it's 8 o'clock in the morning. I'm like, what the fuck? And then I, he pulled me out of the car and put me up against the car. Oh, my God. And then I was like, hey. People are driving bus?

I was that Ash? Yeah, I was like, this is fucking ridiculous. And then eventually they cleared it up. But it went on for ages until I moved to Sydney. And then my dad got a call saying, hey, we found your son's car in Sydney. And my dad's like, he's had it back for a year now and he's moved to Sydney. I wonder how many police were working on that file. He'll like, we will not rest until the car is found.

Meanwhile, I've sold it on already. Listen here, Jim, I've got the car back. I know. Thanks, constable. People are out there dying. Drug dealers are going wild. And they're like, hang on, more important cases. Must find the highlights.

The lost high lugs with 170,000 Ks on it. We must return it. Anyway, that was my experience of having a cast on. Wow. Wow, thank you. Riveting. For sharing. They're with us.

Housekeeping, Ash. Yeah, that was part of housekeeping. If you're not sure, just throw it in. Juliet Allen. Oh, the sexologist. Yeah, we have. Our company sexologist. She's on call.

A big congratulations to her because she's got some exciting news. Been with a partner for a while. Two kids. Wow. But now engaged. Oh, congratulations. There you go. Great news.

I thought she was married, but there you go. No, I guess I was wrong. I have to apologize to someone. His name is Cameron. Okay, Cameron. So Cameron ordered a shirt, right? Someone forgot to tell the warehouse that we had an order. Are you looking at me?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was very accused of me. No, I'm looking at you because I'm talking to you. Okay, yeah. Sorry. And Cameron's like, uh, hello? Shut up, Cameron. And he was very, he waited a couple of weeks.

He messaged and was like, hey, near my shirt. And I said, don't worry. I got you back. Send him a couple of toys. And he said, hey, thanks for that. Really appreciate what you've done. No worries Cameron. My wife bought your book for me whilst I became a dad.

She listens to your podcast as well. And he says, it would be really cool. If you could do a shout out to her. She's a great mom. And her name is, Ash, take it away. Oh, God. Take it away, Ash, to finish off. This is borderline bullying.

Get out of here. Shailaja. Is that good? I think so. Is that right? Shalila. Shalala? Is the J like silent?

Like jogging? I mean, Cameron, just, if you're going to drop a name like that, just... Give us the pronunciation. A little bit of help. So, Shaila, what are we going with here? Shailala. Shailala. Shaila.

Hey. Thank you for being a Dota. Moving on. And I apologize for butchering your name. Samuel has a message. I really appreciate the messages. From any Dota, Samuel has messaged a number of times to different accounts, personal 2D. Yeah.

We did a little story about how annoying it is, putting a nappy in the washing machine. And any time that sentence is being spoken, he comes out of the woodworks. And he's like, just to let you know. And he says, I wasn't sure if he was taking the piss. He's passionate about the nappy in the washing machine. He is, he is. And he says, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. No.

He said, just listening to the potty about the nappy fucking up the clothes in the washing machine, chuck a cup of salt in the washing machine and wash them again, and all the crystallized nappy shit disappears. So you don't have to burn the house down for an insurance job. But then won't mow my clothes smell like dirty ocean? Or you just then you wash it again? I'm confused. Yeah, that's why I was like, surely it doesn't just work like magic where you put salt in there.

Well, the salt would absorb it all, I guess. But then you've got a salt problem. Well, then it's going to rust the machine. I don't know. I don't know. Thank you, Samuel. The fact that we're questioning, we're going to come back twice as hard now.

Damn it. Samuel, keep on writing in. There are also other people that have written in around something else we spoke about, which was Knits. And don't just have suggestions, Matt, of what to do. Hit me.

This is from Jilly. It's the worst. Try Coke. Be more specific. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'll get the dealer on the phone. Coke, in their hair. Also, my ex-mother-in-law,

use a cat flea treatment in her daughter's hair and apparel. It worked for the whole class, except they are all now meowing. Did you make that up? Yeah. I would hate to think the dotas think that we attack them for writing into a podcast. But did I have an attacking tone? No, I just think there are products designed specifically for the task at hand, right?

There are knit treatments. So the fact that you've gone and gotten Coca-Cola and then gone and gotten flea treatment for a cat, when you're like, hey, I don't know if it's more, if it's stronger. And how did you figure that out? Like, just use the knit treatment, although I'm using it, it's not working. It's not working. So maybe, maybe I should shut the fuck out.

Maybe you should, yeah. Try it, let us know. The Coke and the hair is, does it have to be full sugar, full bunga? I'm not sure. Another Dota actually said if you use a hair straightener, it actually burns the eggs and kills the nits as you put it through the hair. But don't they get stuck to your scalp? They are quite.

kills them. Yeah, but I, although I, when I, when I search through Mali's hair, yeah, you're right, the knits are like right on the scalp. So I'm going to have to really burn her. Shave her head off. Yeah, that's what I've threatened it with. One Doda said that they only wash hair on Friday nights

because apparently the nits, they like clean hair. So you wash it on the Friday, so it avoids having clean hair at school where all the kids are all grubby and they're infested. I, with Macy's hair, it's like, if it's stink, it's getting washed. and I'm like, you need to wash your hair. She's like, no, she hates it. But it's like, your hair stinks. Speaking of smelly hair, the kids got their braids done in Bali.

Oh, yeah. And last night. They came out. Well, Lola wanted to wear it for one day to school. No. And then Marley was like, I think I'm done. Time to get them out. That's mature.

They haven't washed their hair in a long time since Bali. Fucking out. Do you have to get them out? Took an hour and a half. Individual, one by one. And I have to use a fork, which helped in the end, to just, like, detangle the braids. It was of arthritis.

Oh, my goodness. And then I'm going to do Lola tonight. Apparently, conditioner. Anyone who's come back from Bali recently and the kids have braids, you have to take them out? Conditioner. Just peeps a conditioner. Conditioner, yeah.

But must loosen it up, I guess. Apparently, that's, well, yeah, there we go. Yeah, well said. Oh, yeah, actually, Ash, we have a question here before we move on from housekeeping. It is crazy to think that we're nearing towards the second half of the year now. We're in the second half of the year. Actually, we are in the second half of the year.

Well, said. Thank you. How do we get here? I don't know. Well, you see, time flies. It does fly. It's getting, the older you get. Quicker.

The quicker it goes. The slower I get, though. Yes. So everything else get quicker and I'm getting slower. Yes. Sometimes when I drive around Bondi, there's an old man who walks a lot and he's very, very slow. And I think to myself, will that be me one day?

Well, I will I be that old? I went to pull into the petrol station last night. And there was a guy crossing the petrol station driveway. And I stopped to let him cross. But I realized that he was the slow as walker on Earth. That's annoying. By the time he crossed, oh, traffic backed up, like a kilometer back. You didn't just nip in?

No, because I was like, I didn't want to be the bad guy. I felt like he was too far across to me to be like, oh, just really nip in here. And then I had to wait. There was like 15 minutes of him crossing the road. He would have appreciated it. Did I tell you about the person who beat me when I was waiting for someone to cross on the road?

Go on. The intersection at the end of my street is the main road intersection, okay? It's a great road. Thank you. Pitwater Road full of potholes. Pot water road, whatever. Anyway, that the lights there, it's one of those ones where it's like,

when they're walking light goes, you go once it's flashing and they're all the way across, right? Sure. Pretty standard. Very standard. There was someone coming across in one of those motorized wheelchairs. And I stopped because I'm right in the front saw the person behind me be

not knowing it was a disabled person getting across the road. They thought they, yeah, and I was like, ooh. And as I drove around the corner to look back, you could just see the guy's face was like, oh shit. Nothing makes you feel like a shipwark than that. I know, well, it's not his fault he couldn't see, but, you know, I wouldn't just be stopped there for no reason.

I'm impatient too. Anyway, moving on. calendars, though. Calendars. So that was a long way of getting towards. Oh, shit. Do we want to do them or not? Good question.

And if we do them, how do we do them? Another good question. Very good question. Questions that we're putting out just to the orbit of the Dota's. All right. Well, why don't we do a poll? Let it marinate. And see what we come back with.

Like, obviously, it's more work, which we're happy to do. For them. But it's like making dinner for your child. If you guys aren't hungry, we're not going to cook your dinner. No, no. Okay. But if you're hungry and you're starving, gladly. I'll go to the shops, buy the ingredients, cook it.

Give you a delicious meal. We'll get it done. Put it on the table and we'll all sit down and eat together. Analogies coming out at the wazoo here. Thank you. So let us know. Are you hungry or not? Yes, let us know.

We'll do a little poll, I reckon. Vic's back. Vic is back. Welcome back. Hello. How was your trip? It was wonderful. Thank you for granting me two weeks away.

It's right. You owe us. We didn't have a choice in the matter. Yeah. You're like, I'm going. I'm going. Did you survive without me or did I walk my self out of a job.

Nah, we got there in the air. Locky filled in. He was, more or less, he just sat there. Okay. But no, we are... Locky, if you're listening, he did a great job. He would be fucking offended. Sorry, Locky.

He did a sensational job. And Ash is like, he just sat there in the corner. I was trying to make... He did do a good job, but it's good to have you back. If sum the trip up for us. What's Vietnam like? Vietnam's beautiful and I would highly recommend with children We did a lot of theme parks

There was like water parks there's like a Vietnam version of Disneyland To be honest It was a bit too much for me What? I couldn't your it was Oh you did a lot of stuff Yeah I know You trip's a bit much

Anyway I've always told him too much Yeah no I was like Fuck she's at it again The stamina and the family I know I was like She's doing something else You made us all the bad

That's what we're getting out here. We only did like one thing a day. And then we'd always have like if it was a big day away or like get to a theme park or whatever, we'd then have a day off like by the pool the next day. So it was kind of like peaks and troughs. How warm was it? How warm was it? Oh, how warm was it?

Oh, how long was it? Yeah, same. Two weeks. Two weeks. She's back. It was really warm. It was lovely. But the second location we went to, it was monsoon weather.

Oh, yeah. That's when we had a lot of indoor time because there was rain. but I did hear you mention my camera on the pod last year. We were really worried. Where'd you lose it? I never took it. Fuck off. That's such a mum thing to do.

Be like, oh, God, I swear I break it and then it's not there. Do you have multiple cameras? No, I've only got the one camera. Hang on a second, Dick. And it's not small. You're talking about the good camera too. It's not small.

Surely, I don't want to attack you here. But surely you must have, do you think you used it? You must have, oh, did you not? No, so. Talk me through how this has happened. Okay. As soon as I arrived in Vietnam at the hotel, which was around 1 a.m. Sydney time,

having left our house at 7 a.m. Australia time, yeah? So really long day for all of us. I was in a day. That whole week I'd been working till midnight. So I was like, not myself. Who am I? What am I doing?

Dan was not impressed. However, I think I must have made the decision right before we left that if I took my camera, it was actually going to be like work for me. A burden. Because if I take photos on holiday, I then have to upload them, edit them, export them. And I was like, you know what? My phone's great.

Yeah, I really just want to have a break because as much as I love taking photos and I feel bad for my kids because I give photos to all my clients and none to my own family. Nah, they're fine. That's plenty of time for that. But I got to the hotel in Vietnam. And as soon as I put the suitcases down, I realized I didn't have my camera bag. And I was like, fuck, I don't have my camera bag. And I don't remember any of the steps of the way here.

that I've had my camera bag. Oh, God. I was like, it definitely didn't come to Vietnam. It's probably at Sydney Airport or it's on the airplane. I hate that feeling. I hate that feeling. Well, just, what's that camera worth? Four grand.

Yeah, okay. It's a lot of money for a camera. Again, it's like that feeling when you're like, and then also when you can't retrace your steps, especially ADHD, I'm the same. I'm like, what fuck do I just do with that thing? And your brain's like, don't look at me. Someone from the outside is like, what you did this? You did that.

I don't want, I can't remember any of that. I know. I know, like, you would remember putting it on or taking it off. Like you remember those specific steps and I was like, I actually can't. I was like, did I put it under the seat in the car? Did I put it under the seat in the plane? And I went to lost and found. I called the airline. I did all the steps. I even looked at my insurance. It said I could only claim it if it was stolen. Did you want to speak to someone in Sydney to go to your house to look and so luckily there was someone staying in our house and I asked them and they said

they couldn't find it anywhere. Was this a man? It was a man. Barking out. He would have been looking right out. He would have been like, telling you, Vic. Camera. There's nothing. He would have been holding it being like, wish I could tell you it was here, but he'd be the better of bad news.

What's that? So then we, well, funny you say that though, because we got back and I looked around. I'm like, fuck, where is it? It's nowhere. Like, where have I lost it? And then I was just about to get in the car and get a camera house to buy a new one because I had two shoots the next day. Oh, God.

And Dan goes, I found your camera. Oh, no. And I'm like, where? He probably did it. And it was under, we have this bedhead that's old sitting at our front door ready to go to its trash. It was between the wall and the bedhead, like in this little crack. And so I was like, did the kids put it there? Yeah, blame the kids.

Yeah. So you must have done on the way out. Yeah, or maybe I just tucked it in there because I knew someone was staying and I didn't want it to get ruined. I don't know. But I have my camera still. Oh, good. Christus of a bed. Stop looking.

Stop looking for the going. It was not cocktail related as you insist. Did we say that? We did. Did we say that? I don't know if we said that. And Dan was really loving all the photos. Oh yeah, he hates a photo.

He's just like you, Ash. He was that? Also hates a water park. Oh, I fucking hate water park. Who was the family you were? You had like a little photo shoot on the, who was that? Yeah, they were from my mother's group when I had Louie from Bondi. Oh, really?

I just thought she's met some people. But there was one thing that happened on the holiday that I really wanted to ask about because I was really shocked by this and I would love to know, because a you, because you guys are quite frequent flyers. Is that the tack? Kind of. When we got to the flight on the way home, it was fully booked. And we couldn't, because of the transfers and stuff,

like we couldn't really check in online. And we got there and all four of us were seated separately on the flight home and it was a red eye. Kids. I'm talking about my three-year-old daughter. On her own. Six-year-old son and me and Dan all seated separately. What did they say at the chicken desk?

When I checked in because it was a transfer again, they're like, we can't do anything here. You've got to talk to the staff at how much you mean. I didn't when I say that. I wish I could help you, but I can't. My mum rage was like getting higher and higher. I was furious. And I was starting to like, you know, when you feel like you're going to cry

because I was like, I kept thinking of the worst scenarios as a mother of like if someone slips a hand under the blanket because it's a red eye like to my daughter or my son or like, If something happens, I can't see that because I'm not near them. And so I went to the airline as soon as I got there and I said, can you please help me? And all they did was they couldn't figure out any way the flight was fully booked, including first class.

Yeah, imagine getting, oh, we've only got first class. Oh, no. We haven't put the whole family in first class. See you, Lily. You're on your own. We can put one of you, mate. So I actually saw them approaching people who are traveling solo and saying, can you swap your seat?

And that was the only way they were able to do it just before they got into the plane. That's nice of them to do that though, but to put you in that position to start off with. Surely they? You've got to put day to birth, everything on pastoral. Yeah, it should be all connected. But it is illegal because a child...

In Vietnam or here, anyway. Everywhere. A child isn't allowed on a flight without a guardian. So why wouldn't you have them seated with a guardian? That's strange. Yeah. So you end up sitting together in the end? Oh.

Uh-oh. Okay, both flights. Dan got his own seat by himself, and then it's me and the two kids together. But this one, I was me on one side of the aisle, and then the two kids on the other side of the aisle. So whenever the cart was in between us, it was impossible. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Dan's just coming up. He's just like, I'm not going to say anything here and just see how this plans out for me. He calls the only. He's like, hey, actually, my kids aren't three and five. They're 18 and 21. Separate us all.

Yeah, see me first class, please. That'll be great. Thank you. Oh, well, I'm glad you made it. back in one piece with a camera, all your kids, and that you were able to have, it did look like a good trip from the outside looking at. Look like a great trip. So welcome back.

Now, straight to work. Okay. What have we got? News. You want to talk about masturbating, which is interesting topic to choose Vic, but go ahead, take it away. I noticed you chose an ejaculation story for breaking news in my absence. What's up?

What's up? Locky loved it. So convenient. Yeah, it was a little bit uncomfortable. Actually, it was Lockheed. It was Locky who chose it. Yeah, it was all Lockheed. He was like, let's talk about gum.

And then I said, what about a buffet? They went, come buffet. Oh, God, okay. Well, this story is actually about New York. So New York City is trialing a first of its kind policy, giving parents something they rarely get time. Mayor Zoran Mamdani has launched a free Parents Night Out program, offering supervised childcare so moms and dads can enjoy a few hours to themselves.

The initiative is being praised for recognizing that modern parents don't just need financial support, They need a break too. Zolhan. He's like, just put your keys in this bowl here. How logistically, how are they doing that? I mean, that's like, who's going to look after all these kids again? So children at age six to 13, we'll spend the evening at local recreation centers, participating in sports, arts and crafts, games, nature activities and media education with dinner provided.

I reckon even if you put a gun to like the Premier's head here in New South Wales, they wouldn't be able to organise that. They'd be like, oh, it'd be like organising the Olympics. They need four years and they need to build, like, buildings for it. Oh, there's no way. How are they doing that in New York? If it's just... I don't know.

And the population in New York as well. That is insane. Yeah, I don't know. I'm just trying to think logistically how that would work. It's insanely amazing. But maybe, unless it's like school and they're just saying like the teachers, the teachers are like, we're doing what now? Yeah, they're like, overtime, man'sering.

You're not paying. Now, shut up. We're like, that's brilliant. The teachers are there. They're being like, this sucks. I know, it's like, oh, I think, I reckon you feel like a workplace and you put on something like that

to get a little bit more morale out of the parents and stuff, but to do a whole city, like... And the biggest city in the world. They've got a big park, I guess. I was thinking that the reason they're doing it is to help with the declining birth rate and give parents a chance to have sex. The mayor's just a big horn dog.

And you're all getting free lubricant. Yeah. And then, yeah. No contraceptive allowed. They're just going to play Barry White, the streets. And he's like, yeah. All the kids are away. All the parents are having sex on the street.

And I'm going to put cameras in every room and watch you all. Okay. That's like, how to like tap into that feed. We should go to New York. Wait, in nine months time, let's all just see what the birth rate is in New York City. I wonder if it'll work. Genius is very good. It is.

And he's just a big old pervert. There's definitely a tax kickback somewhere. Like, why would you just do? Oh, for sure. A lot of these vendors are already set up for the. that. I will say in Sydney there's a lot of daycares who do like parents night out. So if you keep your child there for a little bit later than normal, I think they shut at eight instead of six and then parents can have a date and then pick up their child. Oh, like a little early dinner.

Yeah. I've never seen that done before. That's great. I can just picture the teachers going, right, eight o'clock. Right kids, you're stuck now. Off they go. And then all the parents get the night off. But you have to, what can you do about eight o'clock? It's not that late, isn't it? You went until 10 o'clock at least. What's you doing? Having dinner. Yeah. And then. Yeah, you do before you go before dinner.

You don't go on a full stomach. No, no. Okay. Thank you. Thank you for the news. It's good to have you back. Ash, I've got a real conundrum. Sex with my wife or a doco with my mum.

You seem nervous. Because she doesn't like me talking about it in the pocket. But I talk, she talks about, she talks so much shit about you. Does she? What about? So the issue of my household is that I'm not spending. enough time with Nana. The way my afternoon routine is I pick up the kids, we do dinner, we put the kids in the bath, get him into bed, we have someone to eat, clean the house,

and then I have like an hour where I can just do one last little blitz on work on the laptop, right? And then I go to bed. And then the issue is Nana, who's been so patient all day, waiting for some type of interaction. She's like, what's your guys doing? And we're like, going to have sex, fuck off. And we're like, no, Nana, like not. now, Nana, you know, I've got like, you know, so much to do. I'm a busy guy. You've just got an erection. I've got emails to write, thank you very much. And then Laura's kind of said, you know, you need to be able to spend more time with Nana.

Like, you know, because she really wants it. And it's, you know, it's been a number of months now that we've just, I'm not having the quality time. It's, I think the issue of having your parent live with you is that when they're always there, you know, you don't value the time as much. When you, you know, when, how often is your mum in town? A lot, but too much. much.

When she's in town, you know, you give her the attention she deserves. Because you're a great sign. It's more she doesn't give me the attention I deserve. Okay. She's spending a lot more time with one side of the family. And I want to go into it. There's always one favorite family, like child family. But I need to spend more time with my mum, right?

And if there's one thing my mom likes, it's watching a little bit of TV. Yeah. She loves news. She loves the news and if there's one thing she loves more than the news, it's a doco and to be really specific, World War II. That is her jam. Really? She loves it.

Is it nostalgia? I think it's just it was a World War. But she would have been around. No, she's not that fucking on. World War II? Just after. No, what? Yeah.

Well, your mum's 70 what? So she's, no, she's World War II was like 1940, 1930. Was it? Yeah. 1945 to 90s. because the Germany involved in Poland. Well, you would know. You were watching it.

Never mind anything that comes down to my mouth. I should know. I just thought it was later than that. We both have a real fascination with World War II. You and your mum now. Yeah. And there's another thing that we both really like, Tom Hanks. Okay.

Okay. And it just so happens. Nothing wrong with Tom Hanks. There's a new 20-part series. World War II. Who's it narrated by... Carl Severnovic. What do you know, Tom Hanks?

Yeah, right. I would just think that I'm listening to it. Is it Woody? Is he Woody? No, he's Buzz, isn't he? No, he's Woody? He's Woody. Come on.

I would just feel like I'm listening to Woody the whole time. Like, oh, there's a snake in my boot. He was from Saving Prime of Ryan. Thank you. He's got a lovely rich voice. He does have a very much. He knows the topic. I think he's produced this.

So I'm like, Mom's going to love this. You know, I went to her and I said, you're not going to believe what's on TV at the moment. She's like, why? It's a World War II docker, narrated by Tom Hanks. And she was, it's like Christmas. She was like, really? And she's like, have we seen her?

I said, no, she just come out. And I was like, it's a 20-part series. And we're going to start watching it, one episode every night. She's like, oh, God. You know, and you think that she wants to spend more time. You shut up. Okay, rule. Because you start putting those thoughts in my head because she loves it.

And I'm like, oh, God, now she's telling her mates, I've got to, God, pay attention to my son now. She was like, you mean tonight? And I was like, tonight. He's so needy. So on Saturday, Laura was away. She had a dinner. So I was like Saturday night, I mean, it sounds to anyone who doesn't have kids being like, what's it like being an adult?

You're fucking watching World War II docoes with your mum at home on a Saturday night. That's bang on. That's as exciting as it gets. You might as well get. You'll probably have a hangover from that. So then it gets to Sunday. And Sunday in our household is a sexy night. Okay.

Because during the week, it's too much. It used to be Friday nights. Yeah, but Friday. I bet it changed that in my calendar. Who's got time? to have sex Monday to Thursday. Like if you do, oh, here it is. Wow, okay.

You and April actually, and credit where credit is due, you have a very healthy sex life. We love each other. Every night? Wow. I wish. No, not every night. Every second night.

So then I promised mum, we watched on the Saturday, we went crazy, we watched three episodes back to back. Whoa! I know. Is that three hours? It was a 45 minute episode. Round up. So, you know, I was like, Nana, I can't.

I've got to go to bed. I'm so tired. And she was like, we can watch your bed. I can't wait until tomorrow because Pearl Harbor was about to happen. Oh, Nana. And so then after dinner, I've promised Nana that I'm going to watch another episode with her. And Laura's like, pretty tired.

What a conundrum. And I was like, obviously Laura's not into the docos either. Like, she's like, what are there? There's nothing sexy about World War II. So I'm like, Laura. I've got to watch this docker You wanted to I did I did

I did And I was like So Put it back in your pants I was like it's only going to be 45 minutes Okay And Laura's like She's like

Being rejected for World War II And I had the option Right Okay I had the option Then and there Do I either Go up to the beach

bedroom have sex with my wife that we both really enjoy and it's been a little while or do I watch a World War II doco narrated by Tom Hanks? You could have done both. I couldn't. You couldn't. What'd you go with? 945 is a cut off time for no sex after 945. There's a little alarm at home.

Yeah. Woo! Woo! Woo! Final morning! So? I watched the doco. Good for you.

That takes courage. You are courageous. I did it for Nana. What if Ash talked about this the other day, he has sex as soon as the kids are in bed. What if you went and had sex and then came back down and watched it? I can't. I can't once I can't transition.

It's hard to go. Sex and then sleep. That's how I work. Yeah, thankfully for me, I can transition. It's a skill. It's a skill I've honed over many years. So where are we up to in the doco? Well, Pearl Harbor happened.

That would be, that was sexy. We're now the Battle of the Coral Sea. Far out. 20 episodes. 20 episodes. That's got to be longer than World War II itself. I mean, we all know how the story ends, right? Not me.

Well, we win the war. Oh, because of a nuke. Is that right? I don't know. I don't really care. How dare you disrespect. I'm not like a big, ah.

Hey, it's Winston Churchill, Roosevelt. Oh, my gosh. All the goats. All the goats of war. And like, my mom knows how it goes. I know how it goes.

But we're just, we're just engrossed by it. It's the, it's the common ground that we have. Nice. Good for you. Thank you. That's good.

So now I've got to wait another week. Why don't you do it tonight? We can't do it. You'll be gone too quick. No, we can't do midweek, Ash. I'm sorry to get angry at you, but it can't happen. Why, though?

Because there's too much on. There's too much, like, you know. I'll get a call. You got the mental load of the week. You know, you're exhausted. No, it's not, no. Not going to happen. We make it happen.

Yeah, it's because, you know. What? You guys are horn dogs. Thank you. Speaking of horn dogs. I was betrayed at the highest order. Who was it? My wife.

Oh my gosh. Yeah, so I was out of the house. Okay. And I have come home unexpectedly, all right, over the weekend. I sort of let myself into my own house, as I'm allowed to do. And I opened the door and I was frozen with the site that I was met with. My wife laid out on the couch watching football. What?

I have never been so betrayed in my life. I thought you would have been turned on. Yeah, that's lovely. No, I'm betrayed for, turned on later. Let me get there. walk in and I was like, hey, can I just suggest one thing? Mm-hmm. Was there someone else in your house, maybe that made a quick escape?

As they heard you coming up the stairs? Well, I hope not. Definitely not. Not to plant that siege. How dare you? April is a very loyal woman. And I, no, I was like... What was you watching?

What game? What game was it again? Was it manly, at least? No. It was Newcastle and Cronulla. Damn it, she was watching Nico Hines, probably. Anyway, I walked in, I've opened the door and born there she is. And I was like, hey, what are you to, like, what is this?

And, like, of all the games that we could have watched together, of all the times we could have spoken about football, she's like, yeah, I'm quite into it. She didn't tell me. I feel betrayed. I don't understand. I'm confused. What do you mean?

You confused. Like, she just all of a sudden was like, oh, let's see what's on the TV guide. Oh, Kronela's playing. Yeah, I'll watch it. Yeah. Like, something must have spurred her on. But if I suggested we should watch the football against you, be like, no, I'm right.

Like, I can't watch football alone because she doesn't want to watch it. Did she understand? the rules? Yeah. Who's taught her? I don't know. I feel betrayed. That's what I mean.

I think she's having an affair. With who? He better be handsome. I mean. Or an athletic. He's an NRL player. Damn it. And I was like,

did you watch it together at least? Like, did you finish the game together? Yeah. Yeah, we finished the game. And I was like, there's another game on after this. He was like, no, fuck off.

But I was like, of all the times that it's like, oh, you know how we do this thing where it's like, I do want to watch something? And we never agree. now their option of footies on the table. Take it a manly. She has been to manly games, but she only goes with the kids. This is great.

You guys have got to, you know, this is like, imagine if I came home and Laura was watching a World War II doco, I would love it. That would be heaven on earth. This is a great result. Not betrayed, I think. This is a positive. At first, I was betrayed. No. And that, because it was like, I felt like.

Maybe she was trying to like understand the game without you there. So that she could be like, oh, Nico is playing well? He scored two tries. Oh, is he playing well? I bet he is. I was like, what are you looking at? My wife quite likes biceps. I know that about her.

Who doesn't? Okay. Keeping in your pants. Wow. Wow. And I was like, what are you looking at? Well, hang on. I was like, what are you watching?

How do you know she likes biceps? I just, I know, I know what she likes over many, many years of observation. Okay. And flexing in front of it. I was like, what do you think about this? What do you think about this? So she's a bicep guy. What are you?

Yeah. What am I? Yeah. I'm a buck guy. You're a big buck guy. Thank you. But anyway, I was like, what are you watching? It's like, I'm like, we're staring at their biceps.

And just like, no. A little bit of insecurity from me. That's cute. I think you. I got to keep her on a toe sometimes. So anyway, apparently April has been watching football without me. And at first I was betrayed. I felt betrayed.

But now I feel like there's an opportunity for when she says, hey, we should watch something. And I can be like football. Actually, I did try it. I had lied. I was like, hey, we got a TV in the bedroom.

I was like, wow, you know, she was like, it must be nice. She was like, oh, no,

what's, how big is it? It's 32 inches. Oh, bloody hell. Jeez, laudy da. Shut up.

You guys buy a brand new car as well? How many properties you got? Anyway, moving on. I was like, oh, we can move this to the bedroom. She was like,

no footy in the bedroom. I was like, I'm trying to get all the world's in line. Very like, there's all these rules that you're searching to figure out. And I'm like, all these new rules. Ash, it's a Thursday.

I'm like, think about we could eat, we could eat, watch footy and have sex in bed all at the same time. Oh, no. It'd be like that. Anyway. Yeah, Matt, what else can you guys do together? Play the pokies? Nah. In there?

Actually, we were at the RISL on Friday. And I sometimes forget, like, I'll just watch, like, the football's on and I'll just watch it. And I sometimes you've got to try and include the kids, right? You've got to try and, like, bring them into your interests. And Marley was like, What is this? What's happening here? And it was a game between, actually, it was the Dolphins versus the Cowboys. And there was like three tries in the last five minutes.

Oh, yeah. Trials are very exciting. And it was so nice because I was like, what's trying to do, Marley? You got the football field. You got six tackles to try and get to your try line. If you can't do it in six tackles, hand the ball over. The other team has a go. And she was like, okay, I kind of get it.

Get all these tries. She was like, this is great. Wow. She was like, fucking hell. So much is happening. Look how any points are are. Because kids love. They love that.

Yeah, that's what Oscar's, I reckon his favorite part of the whole thing. She was like, 32. Wow. I know, is the points. And it's like, the problem is with bringing them into your world. Okay. Is that you, and I've found this out the hard way on the weekend when my football team seemed to not be doing very well.

And Oscar lives and breathes this football team, the Manly Seagulls. And I've been watching them lose. They had a good run for anyone who's unfamiliar with the NRL season. Manly, new coach, doing fantastic. All of a sudden, what, the wheels fall off? I know. I took him last week where to the game itself, where we were ahead,

but me being the old head and been watching them for years could tell they're going to come back and win this game. He was in tears there, so I had to carry him home from there. This is resilience building. I know.

That's why I said, every time I'm like, bro, get used to it. Right? It's 35 years of turmoil for me. You look there in the corner. You're used to a kid. You'll get there.

This is, like, Yeah, and then going into the game we just had at home, I was quite boisterous at the TV a couple times because I was frustrated. And that's fair. I'll let it be frustrated, but then I realized that he... I had to go for a walk. I had to go for a little mental health walk because I was so frustrated that he was starting to mimic the behavior.

What do you mean? So like the behavior of I'm annoyed about it and like sports fans yell at the TV. We yell at TV. Guilty? You know, it happens. But I don't want him to then go into the next phase of his life thinking that that's a normal and acceptable. Because if we look at the World Cup, England lose, okay,

the calls to, what is it, triple one or triple zero for them over there about domestic violence is unbelievably high. Yeah. Like it is to a point where people are quitting their jobs in the call centre because it's so horrible. Wow. So that now, I saw firsthand of him sort of, I wasn't over the top.

I would have been, according to people who don't watch sport. But I was pretty like, what the fuck are they doing? Like having a bit of a whinge. And I could see he was picking up on that energy too. And it was like, okay, well, I would hate for him to notice how I talk about that sort of thing and think it's completely acceptable moving into the next phase of his life. And when he grows up and, you know, like, I don't want to. Because crying, I guess crying, it's actually great that he's crying, right?

That he has an outlet that he can let that emotion out. And if you're not saying, hey, suck it up, you know, be a man. If you're allowing that emotion to come out and it's not being suppressed, it's actually really, it's a really like mature situation with him to be in. Yeah, that I don't have a problem with because, yes, his feelings are right. And it's okay for him to be angry with his footy team. But it's just, I always say to him when he loses Una or something, I'm like, it's okay to be sad, but it's how you act.

Okay, you shake everyone's hand. You can be sad about it, but how you act towards others. And I was doing, I wasn't preaching what I sewed or whatever that saying is. But then I started to think about it later on in that night where it was like all of the news that came out around that, which is absolutely horrific. And I was like, fuck. Imagine all those people that are like that had learnt it from somewhere. And I don't want it to be a situation where I want him to encourage his football team. I want him to be able to express his emotions.

I don't want him to place it and get aggressive and place it in the wrong space. Yeah. Anyway. That's beautiful, Ash. I think that's actually a really beautiful lesson you're trying to do. Thank you. Thank you. But now mum can watch footy too.

She'll shut me up. Because, I mean, it's just, like, I have emotions too. You like, there's an anger problem, but what's she like when Manly starts losing? She's actually pretty level-headed. Because I'm like, turn it off! Didn't she, what did she throw into the, do you kick a hole in the wall?

It wasn't sports-related. That was Mum rage. That was Mum rage. How dare you! Imagine mum rage when it meets sport rage. Yeah, I don't think she doesn't. Just all I'm saying is be careful. She's pretty competitive, but I think she's really only competitive in what she's doing,

not what she's viewing. I think she would see a team lose and go, it's a bummer, but eh, you know. And it'd be nice to have that as well instead of like it dictating my whole mood. I had to go for a fucking walk. And then when I get back, I'm like, I feel like a fucking child, like a child, just the way that sometimes that I can, you can act. Yeah. Because the emotion does take over.

Oh, mate. It's wild how much your team loses, how much it influences your mood. But yeah, to know that there's other families out there that are experiencing it to the point of violence, oh, that's horrific. I'd hate for him to grow up and then me look at that and go, okay, he's modeled his behavior off me and it's no good. Yeah. So that, that was just a thought I had. And I thought, okay, well, now I've got to be really careful around how I, perceive things and express things vocally.

You know what I started saying, which is really bad, is when the kids are like, but I want that. I'm like, I don't care. And then they start when I'm like, you need to brush your head. They're like, no, I don't care. They're little sponges.

I know. And little sponges, dude, everything you do, they like pick up on it. And I'm like, I can't even breathe properly without you guys copying me. Yeah, it's the, when you want them to model the good behavior, yes, but then when you pick up on the bad behavior.

Like sometimes, sometimes I've heard him like talking. like talk to talk to his sister just in a way that maybe I've spoken to someone else or had a laugh for someone else he doesn't quite understand or and I'm like ah fuck and you forget so quickly can I just say credit where credit is due that level of self-awareness thank you very very good for you very good I mean I can imagine if we all had that same level of self-awareness and be aware of our actions oh it'd be a beautiful place yeah I just have to make sure I practice it now I mean it's it's one thing to acknowledge it which is a start but then the next thing is like

We're going to have a lot of years ahead of us of watching our football team lose. But like I always say to him as well, like, I'm always like, look, we're going to win some, we're going to lose some. Okay, it's just the way it is. Everything is like that. Every situation you're going to come across in your life, you're going to win some of it, you're going to lose some of it. But depending on how you express that emotion outwards, we'll depend on how people are going to view you

and how you view yourself. Yeah, well said. Thank you. Do you talk to your kids about death? Oh, not like, not on the regular. But, like, I definitely, they're aware of the concept of death. I guess you're fortunate that you haven't really had. We haven't really hit that position yet.

People are, obviously, when someone within the family passes away, it's then the catalyst to then explain to them that life moment. Yeah. Right? We haven't got there yet. And I'm having these, like, really amazing chats with the girls. Two moments in the day. One is when I'm driving the car with them and we have a really good chat.

The other time is after we read a book, we have a little chill in bed and then we have these like little moments especially with Mali where I'm like oh I'm really it's different so you know when you're just like talking to your kid but we're actually like having a real strong back and forth conversation.

Their curiosity really takes over. Yeah. And it's actually like I notice it same with like Oscar as well at that age where it's a different type of conversation because he's actually engaged instead of just like what's on this? What are we doing next? But it's you're right.

I'm bored. Yeah, yeah. He might have, it's funny that you pick up the nonsense questions and the genuine questions. Yeah, and when it's one-on-one, I'm like,

oh, wow, this is different. So we're talking about death and the way that we explain it is that, you know, it's very matter of fact that when you pass away,

you know, that is it. And then sometimes Marley will say like, oh, you know, when you die, your eyes closed or they open? And you're like,

oh, just make it easy. Depends on the murder. Sorry. I couldn't help myself. Well, it was blunt forced trauma to the head. So, yep,

eyes were open. Let's look at some photos. I'll just keep it easy. When you pass away, you close your eyes. And then we say, you know, that is you're no longer around,

but you have a soul, your soul goes up into the sky. And then we say that the stars, like, you know, they're the people that are passed away. So that star, you know, that's Papa.

You know, and she understands it. And she's like, okay. So the cogs are turning and I can see that. She's asking some more questions and then she's like, but then will I, will I see you in heaven? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, like, well, you know,

when I'm up there and I'll wait for you and she's like, well, how will I find you? Like, how will I find you in heaven? And I'm like, oh, it's, you know, like, fuck, I don't answer that. And I'm like, oh, it's, I was like, oh, if I can really pop me on the spot here. And I was like, I guess, it's the same way as when we walk home from school, you know the direction, right?

And she's like, yeah, and you just have it memorized. And I was like, when we're in heaven, you'll just, you'll know how to find me. And she's like, oh, yeah. She's like, I get it. And I'm there like, boy. With those sort of conversations, it's like, it's a, it is a reality, the fact that that's a part of life is dying, right? Yeah.

And those questions that come from her is like, where do I, like, how do I? do I find you? Because you also as well, you probably think, I don't want you to be helpless in that situation. So, yeah. Yeah. It's, and then she's like, anyway, good night. And I'm like, far out. You're just waiting for season two of this conversation.

You're like, I'm on my edge of my seat here. Yeah. And you have these little milestone moments in these conversations where you're like, oh, these, you know, in my head, you kind of think that parenting is always just going to be you and this little child that's always going to be so dependent on you. And every now and then, you have these moments where you're like, oh, they're growing, up so much more and understanding so much more with the world. And then you also think, oh, gosh, there's going to be a time when start to worry. And they'll be here by themselves. And I,

like, I do a similar thing where I'm like, okay, well, they are getting older. And then I also, I also feel so much sympathy for them because of what they've got ahead of them. In, especially in those school years, they throw absolutely everything at you. And then she's also trying to understand how the world works, like how death works. And then like, it's going to be something else next time. And they're like, I don't want to die. And I'm like, no one wants to die. I remember when I was at that age, I was just worried about who was going to get my PlayStation after I die. But yet now as the parent, you're getting these questions. And you're like, you're also kind of think to yourself of the reality of that. And that's what's obviously made you upset as well.

Or like, you'll probably thought, I don't want you to ever feel alone. And of course, like, there's going to be a situation at some point in the future where this is a real. as much as we both don't want it to be. Yeah. I think I was 13 when I was thinking about death. I'm like, God, she's seven. I know.

I suppose that's the reality of like someone passing close to you. We'll bring the conversation forward. Yeah, because my kids always talk about when he dies. Squiggy. That's got to be soon, right? I keep saying that. How she's made a good spot?

I'll never know. But Macy was like... I think even Squiggies like, make it quick. I know, yeah. Put me out of my misery. She goes, I feel like there's going to be a long death. Anyway, she was like,

Macy was like, so how does it work? If she dies, we just get another dog? Like, do you have to have a dog? But, like, because we haven't had that situation where it's like, oh, you know, all mate's dead. And it's like, okay, well, now we're going to have this conversation of what's going to happen after. But I, like, I think for her to ask the questions,

like, how do we find each other is really mature. And then for you to have an answer like that is, again. On the spot. On the spot. is probably something she'll take away and go, okay, well, even though it's not necessarily explicitly saying no matter what the situation I'm going to be there, because that's exactly what that answer says to me.

You said it in a way which is practical for her. Are we just, we're both just like, no, you're correct. No, you're all great. We're all great. Matt, one of our favourite segments, which we haven't done in a while. I'm thinking about this yesterday. Parenting lies. Yeah, a lot of my kids every day, but we don't talk about it.

And you did the call out in the Facebook group, And it was just like, it went bananas. I did. And I want to thank Vegermite for bringing this back this segment. Of course, they've got their new Veggimite kids. So thank you. But let's get into it. Tell me lies.

Tell me sweet little lies. Tell me like. Tell me, tell me lie. We did reach out to the audience, or the Dota's, which we love very much. And they are a bunch of fucking liars. Aren't they? Yes. I'm just like, shut up.

Sorry, I was reading, sorry, I was reading the first lie thinking, who's going to do the first lie? Who's this liar? And sorry, well said, Ash. Yes. Thank you very much. I think a little harmless lie to get through the day with your kids is a must. I'll be fine. I'll go first, you go first.

This is from Jade. Or Jarday, I don't know. I told my daughter that TVs have a camera that watches to make sure kids don't watch YouTube. Nate, my kids, literally, I'm like, you're watching Blueie, yeah, Bluey? And if you put on anything else? TV goes off. And they're like, yep, get it. I turned around, get a glass of water, turn back,

and they're watching YouTube. I know. And there's these, like, these family vloggers that suck. Oh, God. I can't remember the name of them, but I'm like, it's Bluey. And they're like, I don't know how it happened.

I know. It's like, my kid's argument was, but Bluey's on YouTube as well. I'm like, shut up. Next one. Okay, this one is from Claire. Okay, I'm just not sure if I understand it. I do.

So if you give it to me. Yeah, okay, give it to you, and then you can explain to me because she says here, the toy they show me doesn't exist. It's just AI. Yes. So the thought here is that your kid is might be potentially watching YouTube. Really confusing for the kid.

Potentially, yeah, potentially watching YouTube or see something on a screen or whatever. And they're like, oh, I really want this for my birthday, which is fine. But if it's like a definite no, you can be like, oh, that'd be awesome. But unfortunately, that doesn't exist because AI has just created this to make it seem like you want it. So it doesn't exist. That's fucked up. I saw it. It's fucked up.

We're not judging you. I think it's clever. No, I am. No, never. It's clever. Well done, Claire.

This is from Brody. I told my son his hair would turn into clay if he didn't have a shower. That's actually kind of true. I do like a bit of creativity with lies. This one is like, there's not really like much meaning towards it. Is this clay? Like, yeah,

your hair turns to clay. Like, where does that come from? Then what, what's the repercussions of that? Yeah. Like, surely he's like, yeah, Why have I never seen a child with clay? He might have a rational fear of clay.

Which? Clever. That is clever. Ebony, we've been on the road for a couple of months and only have one fun kid spoon in the caravan and they were... One kid spoon. We've got two. We've got two. And we need to buy more, but we just keep forgetting because the kids always fight over it.

And you're like, if we just had more spoons, anyway, she says, they were constantly fight over it. My husband told them that the plain ones are actually Elsa spoons because of the ones. her magic made them silver. Now they ask for Elsa spoons every morning with breakfast now. That's clever. See, that is...

I love a clever lie. All lies are great, but that's... The creativity is what I love there. Yeah, because it's got the lie and a purpose and a solution. And it makes sense because, you know, like the silver, Elsa. That's top tier parenting. Too good of a lie. Be careful of your husband.

I'm nearly going to believe it. Be careful of your husband. Look out for him. Don't let him go. This is from Lailani. Nailed it. Well read. Thank you.

I've been practicing. Couldn't get my son to eat any fruit. So using a bit of creativity, one day I asked if he would like a muscle drink. He's obsessed with his muscles. Sounds like Oscar. It's Oscar in April. He now drinks a fruit smoothie every day.

Even my girls love it when I'm like... Shots your muscles! Mate, she's like... I know. And I'm like, wow, those biceps are huge. And April's like, would you so? Yeah. It was like a bat signal.

Macy does the thing where she goes, she just squeezes her hands really tight. She's like, whoa, she's like, she goes red. So big. Well done. They're huge. Belinda, the last lie that we have for this segment. My lie relates to a conversation. You had a couple of weeks ago.

I have no idea why, but I was always horrified that my kids would eat their boogies. Boogies, boogers. That's, Blinda, it's boogers. That's okay. Especially in public. I told them their boogies were actually. actually nose poo. All the waist

the noses didn't need just like poo from your bum. It's all the food your bum doesn't need. So I asked them, would you eat the poo from your bum? Kids would be like, yeah. They'd be like, what does it taste like?

Because your boogies are just nose poo. Just nose poo. It's kind of true. It is true. It is true. Someone sent in a video of, I think it was an athlete, a soccer player, I think.

He was, picking his nose. And he's just like, performance enhancing. He's eating it. He's eating it. hitting it. And he's like a 35 year old man. Performance enhancing, that's what I'm sure.

He knows poo. You know when they like some some athletes draw their own blood and put it back in, he's just like, this is going straight back in. For performance. For performance. And again, please, we want to try and maybe have some more lie segments because they're great. And we want to thank Vegermite, of course. Veggimate Kids has the same amount of vitamin B1, 2, 3 and 9 as original

Vigemite, which are important for brain and nervous system function. Energy release and reduce fatigue. I love that because there's nothing easier than your kids having something that's healthy without you having to lie about it. Love that. Well done, Veggie Mike. Hiding all those, what are B1 and B2s? Oh, yeah.

But the bananas and pajamas? They're hiding all the bees. Matt, we are sadly at the end of this particular episode, but there will be others. Yes. I shoot. I hope so. This studio, we need to make our money back on... Oh, I'm going to pay rent.

If you've enjoyed this episode, we would love it. couple of reviews, Apple Podcasts, or on each individual episode on Spotify. You can, of course, leave some comments. I will reply back, most likely. Yes, or socials, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube. These episodes are on YouTube, lucky you. And also our Facebook group. Join the conversation.

We'll accept you. Join the movement. But until then. Goodbye. Goodbye. Two doting dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect

to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.