Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #249 Officially DONE With Kids' Sport

Episode Date: August 4, 2026

This week the dads are handing kids' sport a straight red card after both finding themselves trapped in sporting situations they'd rather have escaped. Matt spent hours stuck in a chaotic queue for a dance concert while Ash accidentally became Oscar's fill-in soccer coach. What started as helping out somehow turned into inspiring the team... and now he's terrified they'll ask him to do it again. The guys also unpack why more 18-year-olds are getting vasectomies (which, frankly, isn't great news for parenting podcasts). Plus, Ash books himself in for some long-overdue health checks and has an important reminder for every dad to do the same. And finally, the boys declare war on Ooshies. If you'd like to donate to Chris Dixon's run for free 3D hands for kids you can do so here.  ______________________________________________________________________________ If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Who is your favourite Bluey character? Outside of the family of Bluey. I don't know who they are. I don't really watch that much Bluey, dude. That's an Australian of you. Not to not be on your level because I want to be where you are. I don't know him either. I was just asking you.

I was just going to say whatever you said. There's I know Chili, Bandit, Bluey and the orange one. The orange one. The other characters, they don't even on my radar. All of a sudden, I've gone, I asked the question and I went mentally blank as soon as I said it. What are the other ones? You can know. You can have a favorite.

Just because I don't have a favorite. You can, don't be scared. I don't know who they are. Come on, come out and say it. Don't be... Muffin! I like Muffin. She's a bitch.

Muffin and socks. Sox? Who's socks? Muffin's sister. Or brother. They're siblings. I'll have to take your word for it. I'm not being paying attention.

Sorry, guys. Sorry. We'll let slide this. It's an Australian. You're right. To all the listeners. Bandit's the best. Let's be honest.

Of course. Oh, Chili's pretty amazing. You shut up. Actually, someone said that Vic's sounds like Chile. you give us your best chilly impersonation. Oh, God. What does she? That's perfect.

Back to Two Dirty Dards. I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is the podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And we don't give advice.

You never have. You're joking you watch there already. No, sorry. No, it's because... We just started. No, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I got a message through my phone

onto my watch. And it was from Laura, because we're a little bit late. today and that's fine. A little bit late, I normally pick up the kids, but I've had to put the call out there to the team and said, look, guys, I cannot collect the kids. Laura, can you collect?

And I didn't hear back from her. And her fucking phone is attached to her. Is always on Do Not Disturb. And I say to her, hey, after you finish your podcast record, make sure you turn it off because I cannot reach you. And it's so frustrating and she never listens. Jump into her phone and just change it so that you only can get in contact no matter the focus.

You can do that. Yeah. Yeah, I've changed it so that even if I'm napping, you can still call me. Not just a pretty face. There you go. So she just replied. Just replied. Everyone's probably very stressed right now.

Like who's going to pick up the kids? Relax. Laura has message. She's collecting them. And that came through. So when I saw Cindy come through, my wife is named Cindy because that's what she was called when we were on a show called The Bachelor. Because that's how we met nine years ago.

Wow. News to me. I think the show actually is Anniversary is coming up quite soon. Yeah, which anniversary do you? There's too many. It's like the anniversary of when we met, like actual face-to-face

when the show went on air, and do we celebrate the first episode where we first met or the last episode when I fucked. Wow. Wow! You know? Yeah, there's no other way to put that.

What's her wife? Made love. Sorry, you're right. Sorry, Vic. Thank you. Sweet, sweet love. Mother of your children. She gave me a lot of shit today.

about we only record two episodes a day. In one day. Oh, please. I'm like, that's because we're having fun. And Britt was like, we're having fun. I was like, yeah, this is real fun. We took a while. What were we doing?

We had some sushi that sucked up a bit of time. How many episodes do they record? Three. I was there for one, so I can tell you that much. I don't know. I think this is Life Uncutt, by the way. They do three in a day, maybe. And then they sometimes do off cuts.

They've got a team, a full team. She's shame me. She's like, you're there. for the whole day. And just two episodes. A lot of planning. It's not just recording. Yeah.

We have to like, we have to suck ourselves up. Any more I quit. I'll be honest. People have been asking. They're like, we want more episodes. You hurry me up on a day to do more. I'm quitting.

I've got nothing else to give. This is, this is it. If you come to the end of the week and you want more, create your own fucking podcast. Then you're greedy. Very greedy. But we're thankful. Well, we're thankful.

Maybe one day. Anyway, moving on. Love the Dota's. Can I just say, can I just say, can I just say? Started this morning with a swim. That is, that is, wow. If I go to the gym and I jump in the water, normally it's not until, like, right before I get the kids,

but I dropped off Poppy, sorry, Lola, bloody hell. Sorry, sorry, man, and I was like, brain, don't stuff this up. He's like, I got you. What was that? dropped off Lola, went for a little dip. Just, it was a nice morning too. There's something about mornings. There's something about, and being outside the house.

I can't get out of bed lately. Was it cold in the water? Yeah, but it was like, was it was. How do you know? Salty. It was cold, it was wet, but it was. Rejuvenating. Yeah, yeah.

I just, I sometimes spend too much time in that bloody house. Yeah, I used to be able to do morning things. But at the moment, I don't know what it is. I'm just seasonal depression. Isn't that what it is? Sad is the acronym of seasonal effective disorder. Depression. I don't know what the D stands for.

But yeah, it sucks. Manly, manly playing so badly. Oh, thanks for that. Thank you for that. Kick a man while he's down. We're both. We're both. At least you've got a premiership.

We're both supporting shit teams. I had to tell Oscar, poor Oscar. Oh, so much heartbreak. It'll harden him up. Yeah. Resilience. Last time we spoke, you were like, I'm going to manage my emotions,

better after the game. And I message you and I was like, I know your team's doing really shit right now. I care about you. Do you need to go for a... Sucker. You might as well have said that. I just asked you,

I was like, I said, how are you going? I said, I'm just consoling a brokenhearted seven year old because he was brokenhearted. But that's footy, right? Why don't just play him a game from,

like, next game? 40-0, yeah. Yeah, just play a game from a couple of weeks ago. I just pretend like it's life. Yeah, yeah. Come here, son, I'm going to show you. the greatest day of my life. It's like, is it your wedding?

No. It's a 2008 grand final. He's playing that. And he's like, grand final again versus Melbourne? And you're like, yeah. Yeah, I've played him at actually. But we score majority of points in the second half. So the first half was like, this is boring.

He likes points. I get it. I was very mindful this time, actually, to answer your question. I was, I got a little cranky. And then I was like, okay, no, all right. And before the game started, I said to Oscar, I don't care if we win or lose to that. I just want us to put. put in an effort. And I think they did. There was some mistakes. Did they? No. Anyway, so I got to the

end, it got to like close to the end and I said to Oscar, I said, hey, do yourself a favor and turn it off. And he started crying. Anyway, I gave him a hug and I said, hey, listen, do you know the last time Manley won a grand final was 15 years ago? So I've gone through 15 years of this. Of this feeling. Since then, get used to it. And I left him. Every man for himself. No, I was much more a, a way. aware of my behavior around it to just to show that it's like I'm an adult. Great. So anyway.

You're a big boy. And then I said it's okay to lose because when you finally do win, it's so much sweeter. You've got to have the lows to appreciate the highs. Absolutely. Remember that. Write that down. Thank you. I need to apologize.

Oh, fine. To Diana. Who's that? Not the princess. Who's that? So Diana, I don't think she listens. Well, okay, well, someone will get a tour. So, what happened was?

Netball. Uh-oh. This is going to be an episode about kids sport. This is a real life focus. But just quickly, you know, I think the parents who put their hand up and say, I will be the team manager for this sport, that takes a level of bravery that I think we don't appreciate enough. Yeah, look, I, not, no.

You couldn't. I mean that in the most... We'll talk about it. I got roped into it this week, but we'll talk about that shortly. You couldn't. I mean, I mean. You could. So kind.

You couldn't handle it. I don't think you could. Neither could you. Oh. I want to do it to fucking smite me. Smy. So, well, actually, the story I'm about to tell is evidence that I would not be good. So Diana, legend of a parent has put a hand up.

She's like, I'm going to manage netball, right? So she's got to wrangle all the parents, make sure they're across like all the training. training times for us, they start on a Monday, then a couple weeks later, the Thursdays, and they go back to Monday. Who knows when the game starts? I have no idea. But also, just this simple, sent us your registration money, because she's paid it up front, the legend, Diana. Yeah, make her squirm for it. And you've also, there's three sizes. Cost of living. K-8, K-10, K-12. Okay, what are you going to get for the dress size? I don't know. I'm thinking about it. But she's like, guys, for God's sake, give me your dress sizes.

I don't know what size I am. And I know she's just chasing me. She's now messaging me direct being like, you owe me the money. Just right back saying, we're not playing anymore. You're taking the fun out of it. Like she bombs into me drop off in the morning and she's like, give me the fucking money. And I'm like, it's coming. I'm good for it, Diana.

Please. And yeah, poor thing. And then I missed the first training session. I was doing drop off. And my sister was like, you have the audacity to tell me that I wouldn't be. good at this. You, of all people. It's just not in my orbit right now. It will be. It will be.

But not right now. I coached a soccer team from the age of 18. Three years it was. Go on. We started as under 8. Yeah. I was me and mate. We were both 18 and hung over every game. Parents loved us because the kids listened to us because they were like, you're not

like parents. You're like, cool. We're probably so... That is so arrogant of you. I know. But we, like we... I actually had a good time then. But now I Couldn't do it full-time. No way. You get paid for that? No, they paid us in bottles of liquor at the end of the season.

Why would you do it? We both played, me and my mate, both played for their... The correct answer is because you're doing it for the kids. No. Okay. Definitely not. I definitely wasn't doing it for the kids. It was part of our registration that got paid for it.

I was 18. I didn't give a fuck about kids. That's it as well. And I was always like, why though? But then now that we actually have a kid who does sport, he doesn't want to coach? No, thanks. You guys are so confusing. It's like reverse coaching.

People grow out of things. But part of our registration because we didn't pay, they're like, you've got to help out in the community and do that. But we actually really enjoyed it. And the parents loved us because obviously the kids were like feral. But we used to just make them do push-ups and shit. But now I couldn't know. Definitely not full-time.

Who has time for that? Some people love it. Some people do. And to those people, to those parents, Thank you. I'm too flaky. Yeah, they are the backbone of... The backbone of society.

Yeah, the parents who actually put their head. Because it's a volunteer. Yeah. I kind of want the glory. I want the power. Without any other work. But I like the idea. I like the idea of it.

It is one of those things. I once... What did you do? I'm very needy, okay? I have low self-esteem. No, you don't. I kind of do. You've grown.

Go on. I was like, could I be president of the PNC Club? That's a fucking flex Fresn't in a PNC So much work Start swinging your dig around here I know, I want to be respected You know what we do at the PNC meetings

What we do is I want to work my way to the tour I just want to know if I can do it Like if I can get to the top Once I'm there, I won't last You just want to see if I can I don't know if I could handle you doing it Me personally

Because the rest of us are the ones who suffer People are like Once you go for the year I want to run a marathon on me, president of the PNC Club. Just do it. I will. One day.

We'll campaign for you. We'll do it before Poppy finishes primary school. Okay. How many years is that? Long time. Which wants Poppy again? I will talk to you about that I got roped into coaching shortly. But for now, we've got some serious business to get to.

Yeah, please. Take it away. We're just talking about seasonal, you getting up, me being sad. I haven't been sad. Yeah. I don't know why. I'm trying to figure it out. back on meds but uh i just wanted to give it we have a lot of uh parents listen to us mainly what

i know so sorry for the shouting yeah and i had my bloods done early this year when i started not drinking but i decided to go back and do them again because i need to go and see the cardiologist because my dad had a heart attack at 39 and i'm edging towards that and i also saw that jeremy clarkson had prostate cancer yes found it early enough it was aggressive and it made me me think about, okay, well, I'm sort of in my mid to late 30s now. And I have noticed that it takes me longer to wee. I also always feel like I need to wee. I feel like something wasn't right. So I just want to let you know that I booked in to get my prostate checked. It's a blood test now. And since making...

Fuck, and I thought you about telling you had cancer. No. No, you would have known. I was literally holding my breath. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Anyway, I'm going to make it. So, no, but my dad and my grandfather both had, as my mum likes to call it, old man prostate. So I thought, I'll get ahead of it. And so the reason I'm telling you is I think that you should send this to your husband so that he can get ahead of it too. Can I ask? And I think it's no longer done. That was the finger in the asshole. It was what it used to be, they used to go in and massage the prostate. Now you've got to pay for that sort of service. But it's a blood test now. It is. So if you're sitting there as a dad with young kids and,

and you're worried about getting a finger in your ass, worry no more, unless you want me to put my finger in your arm. But it's a blood test. That's it. That's it. Yeah, yeah. So it can tell a lot.

But there are some factors that can give a false reading. They're like, if you get a false reading, do it again. Because sometimes just what you've done the day before and stuff like that can impact it. So you're getting the blood's done? Yeah, this week. Oh, and then when you get the results? I should get them within like a week.

Okay. Can I go your one better? While you getting your blood's done, why don't you just get checked for abs. everything and just make sure your health is tip top. Maybe it's time for that. It's the same blood test. I'll work through it.

Yeah, I'm getting a bunch of things. Yeah, in the same blood test, like testosterone or that sort of stuff. Yeah. Honestly, it takes me like so long to piss. Really? Yeah. Dan's the same though.

I don't know if he'd be happy for me sharing this, but he was the same and so he got checked as well. Same thing. And he was fine. It could just be an age thing. Actually, show us a photo of Dan's com. Again, show us. again.

You've worked with them. You'd probably see them. You wouldn't stop showing us. You're a lucky lady. But since turning 35 and then 40 and so forth, we've been really strict on like getting our full bloods taken every year so that we can make sure like we're across anything in case it pops up, especially because of the kids.

Yeah, I went 12 years or something so without getting the blood test. Yeah, but you're still very young. Actually, I do you know what? I started having a little sore tooth and it's really, what? What's that funny? I love your sequels. I could be dying and you're like, anyway, so I got a really short friend.

It just reminded me. It's reminded me. Check on your teeth. Check on your friends and your teeth. Anyway, go ahead. I've never been the dentist in forever. You have great teeth. But it's very sensitive.

Oh, you better put a finger up your butt. If I have a glass of cold water, Like, ooh, what does that mean? Okay, Matt's trying to tell us he's got sensitive teeth. Oh, you poor thing. We'll report back next week with the update on my teeth. I want to know. The update on your blood.

Sensidine? Actually, okay, answer me this. You don't wake up in the middle of the night anymore. Whenever I have to get up to feed Poppy, doesn't matter if it's midnight, one o'clock, two o'clock. I always have to piss first. Yeah, I, what was it, this morning I got up quite early because the dog was barking at the door.

right and I needed to pee took the dog out so she could do a pee came back to do a pee and I stood there go on and then I was literally you know when you like try and stay half asleep so you can go back to sleep I was wide awake I hate that I'd pretty much done a full day's work before I actually started pissing so I'd like there's something not right here so anyway we'll see I'm sorry that's right you're going through that no I just I'm just trying to figure out why I'm sad yeah it's fucked anyway maybe you're missing me That's not it.

Miss Dan, where's Dan? I'm just kidding. I don't know. He misses you guys. Oh, good. I actually need to get him back over. Great, he's available. I've got some work.

Nothing exciting. Nothing exciting. Don't get your hopes up. All of my home renters are starting to fall apart. Can I actually? Can I actually? Hang on. I don't want to bring you in this environment

because we're here for a good time, couple of lulls. I don't want to criticize anyone, but I just want to ask you one question. Right now, what is stopping you from finishing the work in your house? You're so close. It's ADHD. So close. Because you're doing these videos, things my wife say. And I'm looking at the skirting. Skirting's good. What's going on there? Get down over. He Dan's free. He messes me. He's like, yeah, I think I'm going to need them. I'm too self-conscious. I don't want to come in and be like, who the fuck did this?

I want to wait until I've moved out of that house before people start saying that stuff. No, it's more time at the moment. But when, you know, when I go on. Like, do you want Dan to come over? No, let me get to a point. Why don't you want to see Dan? He will not judge you in the slightest.

He is like the kindest person in the world. Oh, whatever. He won't look at that and be like, oh, shit, jog bash. No, no, it's, there's a couple of bits and bobs that I need to do. And then I do need, there are some things that I know that I can't do. So I get to that point. He's right there. We could all do it together.

No, that's my worst nightmare. Just get Danning to do it properly. What do you mean? That's what we do every Tuesday. Oh, yeah. Do you want us all at your house? No. Special recording.

You might go through my things. What are you hiding? Matt does like to walk into people's rooms. Guilty. Yeah, the first time he walked into my new place, he walked in and took a shit in the onsuit and walked down. I'm not allowed to shoot someone's house. There's another bathroom for that.

You were showing me your onsuit and then I had to poo. You're like, get out. Who knows what you did in there? I did a shit. I'll tell you, so, you know, it was a shit. Like, what else would I be doing in there? It's still lingering. Okay, Chris Dixon, Ash.

He is a Dota, he's told me. He's an absolute legend of a bloke. He is trying to break a world record. He's attempting to run the record for the longest distance on a treadmill in seven days. It is just shy of a thousand kilometers, 912 for those playing at home. He's raising money. On a treadmill. On a treadmill.

I can, imagine the head noise on that treadmill. I can, I did five minutes on a treadmill. And I'm like, get me off this thing, it's hell. The longest I've done is 12Ks on it. It's brutal. Hated it. It's like, it's torture. Well said, well said, well said, well, he's doing it for him for seven days,

but he's doing it for an amazing cause. It's raising money and awareness for free 3D hands for children with a limb disability. His daughter Gracie was born without one of her hands. Absolute legend. We'll put details in the show notes if you would like to donate to Chris. Dixon. Chris Dixon.

Great name. Great, solid name. Great name. Can we talk about the elephant in the room? Well, let's talk about the elephant in every parent's living room right now, and that is Ushey's. Oh. Yes.

I feel like it's the biggest stitch up in the world. It's very addictive. I'm just the arguments I'm having to separate in my house. Yeah. Our school, as of yesterday, banned them. They banned them. Yeah. But that feeds the fire even more.

It just puts fuel on it. I don't think about prison. They ban everything in there. And then all of a sudden that becomes part of the problem. Yeah, I'm like... Contra ban. I'm like, Lola, where did you put your oushi? Not because he's got his up his butt.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. How many have you got right now? I didn't ask for this. How many you got? So many. How many are we talking to them? Well, they keep getting them from us. And then they're getting them from Popper.

And they're coming home from school with one. Like, they're everywhere in my house. My kids have got, Lola's got eight, I've got five. That's, yeah, I wish we had that many. I've got fucking... I'll get a video later. Bring you some. They're attached to them these kids.

I can't take them. But the only one good thing is I can use them against them to get them to do things. Yeah. Clean, like, you know, like go to bed or I'm coming in. Because some of them go on the dark now. And they're a choking hazard. A lot of plastic.

A lot of plastic. But just such a genius marketing ploy, the Yoshis. Yeah, for them, but it's just painful for us. Can I ask, where? Where does one get Oshies because we have none? Peasants. We don't go to the supermarket. Yeah, well, we get delivered.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know, where do you get your food from? DoorDash via Aldi. Okay, okay. Yeah, it's very good. Aldi is great. We love it. It's great.

I prefer Aldi over Woolies. I just don't have time for it. I think if you spend over 30 bucks with Woolies, you get Anousie. Yeah, Oscar was like, I can't believe these cost 30 bucks. I'm like, let me explain a concept to you. the food we eat, you buy X amount, you get X amount on top. But then also as well, if you're walking through the shop with your kids and you're going through to get a couple of things, not $30 worth,

the oldies and stuff will just start offering them to my kids. Like, no! And Oscar's like, give me. They're feeding the problem. They're painful. At least they're not sharp to stand on like other things. Do you know what? It would be good to have something collectible which has,

larger ROI. They're just collecting them and then fighting over them. It's just like, oh, gosh. She doesn't do much. No, they glow and they go on the end of a pencil. But, okay, take yourselves back to when you were kids. Like, for example, McDonald's, when they used to put out the happy meals and used to collect all the toys.

Like, that was one of the most exciting things is a little bit. I was more of a fireworks kid. The three crazes that I remember from my days in primary school, marbles were big, grade two. What year was this? Yeah. Oh, wait, where? baked our own bread. I keep getting your fucking 15 years old still. Marbles? Little, little boy over here.

Did you not have marbles at school? No, different, yeah, no. Where I come from in Queensland, you are a bit behind. The marbles were all the rage back in the 60s. You'd have the big jonkers and you'd have a fight over who would get it. Yeah, what do you do? Isn't marbles just like craps? Well, I didn't like the concept of losing my marbles, like, because you would have competitions where you were like, my first game I lost, had to give away my favorite marble. And I was like, never again. Devastated. I came home and mum was like, how was school that happened in the morning?

I held onto my tears all day. I got home and I was like, ah! He took my favorite one. It is heartbreaking. There's obviously Pokemon, of course, was huge, like through. What? Shut up. We had Tarzos and shit.

Tarzos. Yeah. Well, there's always something, but at the moment it's Oushies and I'm hating it. I'm absolutely hating it. Can I give you some advice here? We don't give advice in the show. Yeah, I know, not to the list, no, just to you. I think what you need to.

No, you always find a loophole somewhere, don't I am? It's clause 14.5. Dare it. Advice may be given to Ash, no one else. You need to learn to swim with the tide. On the what, the oushies. Yeah. Yeah.

You've got to swim with the tide. Tide's going out. Swim with it, bro. What, you've got to take a stand at some point. You know, you're wasting your energy. Wasting your hard-earned energy on something that's not really. I'm medicated. Most that energy is from that.

So it's fine. Learn to embrace the Ushy. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine. Okay. Moving on. What else we got? Breaking news. Well, Australian men are saying no thanks to fatherhood in record numbers as Australia's birth rate crashes to an all-time low.

Look, that's bad for business. Less dads, less moms, less listeners. Ah! Ah! Vesectomies have a sword to 60% over the last day. decade, including among men as young as 18 to 24. That is young. That's wild.

The trend for the SNIP comes as more women wait longer than ever before to have children, the average age of mums jumping from 25 in 1971 to 32 today. Is this the end of the big Aussie family? Experts say rising living costs, housing pressures and shifting priorities are changing the way young Australians think about having kids. Who's getting a fucking vasectomy at 18? That's bad. That's bad.

I have a friend with a vasectomy who's not, has no kids. He's a bit older, though, yeah. He's always said that he just didn't want kids. It's just not his jam. He just never wanted kids, yeah. The person who he married was also didn't want kids. And I remember her telling us that, but then I think after a few years, she must have changed to mind.

Turns out she was having an affair and had a kid with him. But that's a story for another time. Yeah. Yeah. You know how I feel about gosh. We'll talk after the show. But he, yeah, he would just like, Yeah, you just didn't.

And I'm like, I remember saying to him. I didn't understand that actually. Yeah, I'm like, do you think you'd ever change your mind? He's like, nah, it was just like, no, it's just not for him. You don't want to be eternally tired and frustrated with life. Yeah, come join us. Yeah, it's great. Come with us.

What's a four-night sleep like? Anyway, I get it. Birth rates. That's young. That is young. But also birth rates definitely dropping. We did that video about when you announced you're pregnant with your first and people are like, oh my God, that's amazing.

And then the second one, they're like, great. like lovely done and then the third they're like that's enough is everything okay yeah what the fuck yeah and then the people that people in the comments someone was like i know i got the same reaction for my ninth and i was like what what is fucking wrong with you and i was like that's great samantha surely that was a joke no like a lot of a lot of like ninth and 10th and then someone was like oh yeah my pregnant with my 10th that's a lot of kids it's a lot of kids i get like oh what what is there possible reason to have that many kids you just I just really enjoy you have struggling to remember all the names of yours imagine if you had 10 you'd be like you just starting putting numbers to number 10

yeah I mean anyone who wants to have 10 children and love them and make sure they're happy healthy and looked after all power to you but there's got to be like weeks where you don't see one of them you're like where's timmy do you forget about one of those like even i find it hard now trying to divide my time amongst three kids I don't know how they do it I don't know how they do it I don't know how they do it I do not know. Like, both on my mum's side, sister and brother had like eight kids each. Yeah. And I'm like, now that I have kids, I'm like, how do they do that?

It was a very different time. To be fair, half of them were part of the cult. That's another story. Oh, yeah. But I think it's usually, in those big families, it's usually the siblings that start to take care of them. It's not the parents, parenting. Especially in the way that we are parenting our kids right now. Like none of that's happening.

Yeah, a lot of kids, isn't it? Yeah, those, the cults, not to say that anyone who has, more than five kids is in a cult, although. Although, it seems the link between those scenarios is, it's undeniable. It's very close. It's like, we've got 12 kids and also I give 30% of my wage to someone. And it's like, that's a cult. That's a cult.

Actually, do you know what is a cult? Dance. Yes. Yes, I did see. Yeah. You know, the, I don't want to. See you went to a cult meeting. I don't want to attack the arts.

Everyone does. You just get on board. There's parts of dance that I. love that Marley loves. And there are parts that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Okay. Go on. We had an Estedford and a steadford on Sunday morning.

I told you we should have entered into that as steadford. We were too old. Marley was first. The instructions were very simple. Go to ride leagues club. A bit of a drive from my place. That's fine. Get there for 7.30.

Competition's 830. The routine is like a minute and a half. Yeah. There's like five groups in Mali's category. Job done, you get out of there. Great. Right. So I was like, Laura, don't worry, I'll get up.

Give me a hand getting Mali ready. And then we'll drive out there. Just Mali and myself. It'd be nice one on one time. Yeah. I parked the car, I walk around the corner, and I met with this enormous queue, giant queue. The cult. And I was like, okay, one thing that I cannot do now is be in cues, but also the

disorganization of like an unorganized queue, an unorganized queue where it's not lined up properly as well because we weren't sure. You don't know where this end is. There was, there's multiple doors. So we were like, which door is going to open up first? And then I rolled the dice and I was like, I'll line up at this door over here. And I even said to the parents, I was like, guys, I think this is the door that we want. Everyone follow me. I was like, I'll take charge here. And then you go back to the other door and they're all that one. No, well, then this other door opened up. And then it shut. And it was like, there's a lot of panic, a lot of stress, a lot of things. anxiety.

Something you don't need. Okay, so it's 7.30, 7.45, it's 8 o'clock. It's 8.30. Still, no staff member. The queue is getting bigger as well. And it's like spilling onto the road. And Marley was also like, Dan, I'm getting pretty hungry because I didn't fucking bring snacks, did I?

Because I thought, we had breakfast, we'll dance, we'll get home, we'll get a snack on the way home. And I was like, what do I do here? And I was thinking, if it's disorganized outside, Imagine what it's like inside. And so I was like, how long do you stand out for in the end? Hour and a half.

Fuck. Without moving. Without moving. And I was like, is this a normal part of dance? Are people going to dance competitions and instead? Fids them lining up for an hour and a half at a time.

Is this? Or something happened that we don't know about. And there was some, I was like to other parents. I was like, is this normal? And now I'm like, no, it's not normal. And I was like, well, what's happened?

What's, why are we here? And I was also in my head being like, wait until I fucking write that email. I'll complain to the school. You are that guy too. You got, you got it. I'm sorry, an hour and a half is outrageous. And Marley was like, I'm cold.

And the kids. Think of the kids. Think of the children, Ash. I would have left. Not with the kid. Let's forget that. You do your thing. I'll be back to figure out.

I was hanging on by a thread. And Marley was like, I'm. Well, but no one. No one was in. No one was allowed in. So there's a delay of some sort. And it was, Marley's all made up. She's got a makeup on.

Her hair is perfect. and I was like, what do we do here? And I said, I've had enough. I've had enough. I'm like, guys, we're leaving. And all the other parents are like, what do you mean? Stay with us, we're almost there. Don't go.

And I was like, look here, Jessica. We haven't moved for hours. Who knows what we'll be allowed in? It's pronounced Jericho. That's a little inside joke for the donors. You all need to wake up. You're wasting your time here. And I was like, fuck it.

we're leaving and Miley was like Do you know what dad let's get out of here Wow! Yes! You left in unison And I called Laura and I was like Before I did it I was like I'm just going to I'll check leave the boss.

I don't want to get in trouble. And I was like Laura and I was like It's freezing out here. It's five degrees. We're out of ride. We had to cross a bridge. We're out of the suburb. I don't have my way around.

There's no water, no supplies. We have nothing. Morale is at all time low. And she was like, you may leave. And I was like, See you. Thank God. Imagine if she made you stay. But then one of the parents who stayed, credit to them. I don't have that level of endurance, but they did send through a video of the dance. Appalling.

That's because Marley wasn't there. I know. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. How long were they there for? Another half an hour. Oh, that's unbelievable. That's unbelievable. Did they win? Do we have? Not very good. And also the fucking dance teacher didn't show up either.

Also outrageous Thank you Thank you I sent a very stern email written by chat GPT Did you sign off Laura Byrne I always do that

sign off my emails I was like Is this what I'm in for I also had to pay money It was only like 20 bucks For tickets to the Estedford The money that we pay For the year of dance

It's like not cheap And I was like Got me thinking What are the worst sports Your Child can play Mm, good question. There's lots. Dancers up there.

Dancer's got to be, like, Macy does ballet. She's, what, four and a half. So it's like, you know, you drop, they do their little ballet thing. You come back and pick them up. It's not, there's no competition. They definitely do like a little recital at the end of the term. But it's just at with the parents. It's not like a big hoo-ha, like a Stetford thing.

But that's how they get you. And that's the ballet is the gateway drug before you know you're hooked. Because also the, like the dance equipment, costumes. What do they call it? Costumes. The apparatus. They're so expensive. Yeah.

The fucking shoes. And like the leotard. The leotards, Ash. I know. No, no, no, no. You've got to learn how to do the hair. And then you're going to do the hair. I could never do the hair.

I can't even do hair normally. It's like... I'm like, put a hat on. You've got to learn how to do her hair, though. Nah, wait until she gets to the age. She can do it as well. You know, you can do it with a vacuum cleaner. No, it doesn't work.

It doesn't work as good. Not as good. My client said it fully works. No, your client's a liar. What's the vacuum they got? But a lot of people have message and said, pull her out now. I'm an ex-dancer. It's like the cult.

They're like, I was once in that thing. I managed to get out and I survived. Yeah, April was a dancer as a kid. She's a bit iffy. She is a bit of a kid. I was a bit of a kid. I'm a bit ofy. It all makes sense.

I don't remember that being brought up in your interview. We're going to have to reconsider this whole situation. Okay, do you think? It is a cult. There you go. But I think it's because once you get in, You can't get out. You are, like, dancing is fun.

Like, you enjoy it when you're doing it. Like, who doesn't love moving their body to music, right? Guilty! You're a good dancer. And so one class a week starts to go to two classes to three. I was doing four classes a week after school. What? Yeah.

And then competitions on weekends. How old were you here? I started when I was in year two, so that's what? Eight. Eight. And then I danced all the way until I was in year 12. But also the difference between, like, what are you paying for four? Four dance sessions a week.

What are you paying per session? Well, this was a long time ago. Yeah, we can work it out inflation times 2,000%. But the more classes you did, the more expensive it was. Because then you've got like the studio, you've got the speakers, speakers. You've got the speakers. Do you know what it is? It's an, like, it's the cost of dancing sneaks up on you.

So it's not like, you know how when you're like, okay, well. Well, because soccer's being run by 18 year old alcoholics. Yeah, here. The low cost, it's great. It's cheaper. The insurance is high, though. Yeah, you need to be a certified dance teacher. Right? Yeah.

Are you a certified soccer coach? I'll be whatever you want me to be. Honestly, I'll convince you. I'll convince you that I am that person. It's not one of those sports you look at and go, oh gee, that looks expensive. Like, I don't know, motocross. Again. Terrible sport.

Terrible sport. Terrible. Dangerous and expensive. But the cost slowly add up, right? It's a cult. Actually, very clever, very clever, the school program. They're like, you must have. audition to be accepted. And I reckon they just do that as like you want to be in it.

So it's very good marketing. This is what I reckon are the worst sports for kids to play. And if you're someone who's listening to the podcast, you don't have kids and you're just, maybe you're expecting your first child. You've come to the right place because before you know it, you're doing four dance classes a week and you're locked into the cult. But I reckon in addition to dance, and it's high because I do like dance. I like what it offers. Yeah. It's the arts. It's good self-esteem too, especially if you can dance. And teamwork.

I don't know. No one cares about that. I couldn't not give that response. I'm sorry. Isn't that the whole point in team sport? I'm going to attack the rowing community. Get them. And the sailing community.

You want to sail, though. I know. You're an adult. I'm an adult. For kids. Yeah, yeah. For kids. Cost too much.

it's not enjoyable to watch and it's just far too early you're up at 4 a.m. Yeah, squad. Squad. We went when we were in Melbourne we were walking along the Yarra there and the rowing clubs are everywhere.

I know, Melbourne, they're a bunch of rowers. Yeah, they've been known for their rowing. But it's shit to watch. There's nothing exciting about it. And you can't see them for like 99% of the race. It's such a prestige sport, I think. People are like, oh, my son my kids in rowing.

part of the rowing club i know but you can't even like i did dragon boating you don't hear me fucking bragging sorry what dragonboat racing for how long it was a school thing that we did i was like it's a school thing yeah i was the guy at the front going oh oh oh on the drum was there a drum you boom boom boom boom boom yeah you don't have a photo do you no they do it in hong kong yeah yeah but that's hong kong yeah hong kong and tweed one that i want to talk about which has been mentioned, is cricket. I love cricket. I like to watch it on the TV.

It's just in the summertime, you don't want to be sitting there in a field. It's a long, long, long, long, long time. And all their clothes are white. It must be a washing nightmare. Actually, that is a very good point that I haven't yet considered. The stains.

The stains, yeah. I mentioned motorcross, dangerous and expensive. Can I raise your motocross with equestrian? Yes. It's like motorcross, but on horses. Well, imagine if you do, imagine if Macy was like, dad, I want to be an equestrianist. We can't afford it, starters. There you go.

Yeah. Horses. Bloody hell. Horses and boats. I'll get you a dog. You write that. Okay. What's worse? Equestrian or hobby horsing?

What's worse? Oh, hobby horsein's got to be cheaper. That wooden horse can't be anywhere near. Do they have to feed the wooden horse? It's not even a full horse. It's just a head. It's just a head on a stick. you could do that with a mop at home.

But I think equestrian is way worse. It's definitely a rich people's sport. Like straight up. Like carting into Formula One, you've got to have the money behind it. You've got to have the monies. This is another one I thought was dangerous. Archery.

Actually, a lot of people have problem with archery. Yeah, there's a big problem. What? Bow and arrows is the problem. Bowen arrows and kids. Come on. It can't end well. Like, you're telling me that it was like,

yeah, we all had a great day and no one got hurt. Fuck off. Someone's getting hurt every time. We lost three children that competition. They're like, it was a good day. We only lost one. Timmy. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. You got narrow. Although good to watch. One more that I've got, which is more like when your kid gets a little bit older, which everyone complains about is swimming. Swimming lessons, different because it's like a little 30 minute break for you, really. But squad?

Can I? Oh. I mean, I don't. The last thing I want to do is offend anyone who listens to this podcast. But swimmers, they're all the little bit fucking strange. Yeah. Okay, go on. I mean, my wife was a swimmer.

She's got good feet for swimming. I never understood why swimming club has, or squad, has to be 5am. It's like, why does a bag of cocaine cost $300? Surely it can be cheaper. I can get cheap enough for you. That's all a big brag, isn't it? Or could up early and did some swimming? Yeah, like, why?

You can swim any time. Why are you getting up at 4 a.m for squad? I never understood that. And then people are always like, I had swimming this morning. We know when people, like you this morning, I went for a swim this morning. So, yeah, I was like, ah. Everyone's going to brag about swimming. Moving right along.

Okay, my last one. And this is controversial. This is one that I did, but little athletics. Okay, what about it? It's just multiple sports in one. Like, oh, like, because it's track and field. Because you do everything. You do every discipline.

Yeah. It's like you've got to watch them try and fucking throw a javelin, right? And your kid's not going to be good at all of them. You know, then you've got to fucking watch them do the 1500. And then you've got to hang around and watch me to the 100. Yes. And then you got to lock. It never fucking ends, Ash.

It's like I want Oscar to, I would like Oscar to do the running, but I know that kid's bad at jumping. I've seen his vertical leap. I wouldn't put that into a competition. Right? So with little athletics, you've got to do them all. You can't just say I want to do like the 100 meters. No, you've got to sign up.

It's nothing or everything. One of the Dota's wrote in Lee says she, you line up for so long while the kids go crazy just to run one race that lasts about 15 seconds, then move to the next event to wait around all over again. So much waiting around. Should be a drop-and-go stitch. If it's a drop-and-go, I'm all for it. Like, that's right, April went to the Athletics Carnival for Oscar at school.

And it was, there was nothing athletic about it. She was like, it was just like, they just played a bunch of games. I was like, what were you expecting Beijing? She was like, they were like throwing sandbags and stuff. I'm like, yeah, because they're like six. But like... Yeah, but it's when you do little athletics, like, I used to do it. Shout out to To Wong.

I did it in To Wong in Queensland and Friday nights. Friday nights as well. So you didn't, but you didn't have training. You just had the Friday night meets. where you just go there and fucking never crack at everything. Yeah, it's like, is it cheap, you know? I feel like there's no that much equipment. I feel like, no, you don't need much.

It's all provided. Probably is cheap. Yeah. Just too long. You just, like, what do you want them to play? I mean, who knows? Actually, Jiu-Jitsu. Oscar does Jiu-Jitsu.

There you go. Well done. That's a good weather-dependent one. Yeah. Because you're indoors. I'm sorry, not weather-dependent. Yeah. It's a good one because it's in the same place every time.

Yep. It's a drop and go. Yep. It's beautiful. It's good for discipline. that's ticking all the boxes. It is taking a lot of boxes. It is a good one.

And like, I think with Oscar, like, afterwards, he's palmed, you know, because they do a bunch of, like, wrestling and then they, you know, a bit of flipping and shit like that. I don't know what they're doing up there. They're going, let me watch. I don't know. I don't know what. Because they're like, drop a bit, don't come any further.

Okay. Like, I don't know. They could be doing nothing. So you didn't get to watch at all. You can watch when you do the trial, but it's good for them to be your. not there. So whenever, like, there is a parent there that's like, the kid just goes to their parents.

So I did actually have a lot of people message in and be like, beware, beware of the gymnastics. Apparently very toxic. Also very culty. Yeah. I mean, it's a fucking minefield out there, guys. Yeah. Like, what is it? Jiu-jitsu.

And that's it. That's all they can do. That's all they can do from now on. I think like soccer, netball, football, that sort of stuff's great for like bonding, team sports. I'm trying so hard. to convince my that netball is going to be a fun experience. She is crying. Anytime I bring up the word netball, tears.

It's like... And why are you pushing it? Because everyone says the same. All the older parents are like, don't worry, kid, yeah. I remember when my kid was the same. They cried the first few weeks and then they get into it. And they're like, you just got to persevere.

And so I'm like, right, thank you. Thank you, old salty parents. That's actually good advice. So they're like, you're just going to push through. Fair enough. And Marley was like, I'm a dancer, not an athlete. I'm built to dance. Yeah, because I was going to say, I never played netball, but I danced.

And it shows. I didn't put my hand up to coach the under sevens Vipers, which is Oscar's soccer team. But just so happens that the two dads that did were away at the same time. Oh, God. And for some reason, my name gets thrown out there. I don't know why. you've got to appreciate that you have experience at this task. Of course you will get the call up.

But I don't want to do it. Doesn't matter, Ash. I've actively avoided even mentioning the word coach, just in case. They're like, coach, he said coach, he'll do it. Anyway, so I said, yeah, okay, I'll do it, help out the team. And then Thursday comes along with just training night. And Oscar actually was like, don't forget that you're coaching tonight. And I was like, oh, great.

What a shit show that was. It's, there's seven. Oh, man. it is nonstop like me just going listen listen stop like it's hurting these stupid sheep around this field trying to get them to do anything was like so frustrating but surely they must still look at you in the same way that those young kids looked at you when you were 18 like you're a cool guy you're a cool dude not now i'm just grumpy that oscar was like dad was grumpy i was like yeah maybe if you fucking listened i wouldn't have to be grumpy anyway so we went through training

And it was it. We got through it. And I was like, oh, thank God. When you, what do you make them do? We started off with, I was like, let's get them running, like playing a game, see where we're at in terms of like energy wise. Who's going to pay attention? Who's not?

That's very good from someone who. It was a shit show. It was a fucking shit show. And they were just like crazy. I had to tell off a kid in front of his dad. I was like, if you're not going to listen and get out. Like, I was just like full grumpy mode. Thursday, like, after a full day of doing nothing,

I was exhausted. I was trying to pull the Army Exhaustic Cup, but I don't have a job. So this is weird. Anyway, then we get Saturday, beat the coach of the game. And the coach has to referee. And I'm like,

that would be hard. Two coaches. Yeah, I know. I know. So you've got 12 kids on your team, right? But then they play on two small fields. Right. So you split them up each week.

And we were playing against Mossman. And. Ooh. Yeah. Oh. For anyone who doesn't know, suburbs in Sydney. Mossman is very laudida.

I'm actually a member of the Mossman Facebook group and they complain about like the fucking bush on the roundabouts to evergrown. Why would you be part of that? I don't know how I became part of that group. Like one of us. But it's, it is wild.

They're all like, there's no caveat left out at the harbour. They found out you have like a diversified portfolio. And they are like, come in join us. Fun fact, I'm banned from playing soccer because of something that happened

against Mossman a few years back. I pardon someone. When you were younger? I was 23. Yes. He came at me. I just ended it. It was muddy too.

Anyway, we were playing against them and one of the other dads on our team who's got referee experience. I'll do one if you want to do the other. And thankfully the Mossman coach was like, I'll do this one.

I was like, yeah. Anyway, but I was on one of the fields sort of moving our team around the park. You're allowed to do that because they need to be handheld all the time. Trying to get them to pass the ball. Some of them are doing cartwheels.

Some of them are fucking found a stick and they're playing with this. It's chaos. And it's like, okay. And the other coach was really good because he was like, I try and ref it away where I'm like resetting the field for both teams so that they can learn to find space. And I was like,

this is just what I need in my life, this guy. Anyway, so we go, it's won all at this stage, okay? And then a kid on their team kicked the ball into the goal. And when I say he was a bad winner,

he walks up to. our kids and be like, you're losing. And I was like, oh, like noticeably loud. And the referee was like, oh. And I was like, mate, we're all just trying to have some fun to this kid. And I was talking to the ref and the ref was like, went and spoke to him and sort of like, because you do rotate players and rotated him off.

And as I'm walking back past this poor kid, I was like, show him to be to class in front of his parents. And I was like, I was like, no, I was like, you can't come at me. like that. How was how was the kid? Seven? Anyway, so half time comes. Show some class, you'll loser.

Yeah, it was more, it was more directed at the parents, but I sort of did it in a way where it was like... I'd love it if it was the parents who were like, that was the guy you punched. Yeah, show up in class, man.

Yeah, he was like, didn't you punch one of us once before? I'm like, yeah, that was a classy punch. I was like, hmm. Anyway, got to half time. Anyway, so we're having oranges. Half the kids are doing a cartwheel still. And I'm like, all right, listen, boys.

they were a bit peed off with this kid. I'm like, look, let's beat him on the field. Let's get out there, okay? Don't worry about what he said. They were beating us at this stage. It was 2-1. Like, let's get out there, okay? Beat him on the field.

That's the mature thing to do. Yeah. That is a great pep talk. It's not what I wanted to do, but I felt like I had to sit there. If it was me, I would have just taken things to my own. And that naughty kid,

are you told off at training where you're like, and you can punch anyone you want. I was like, punch the fuck out of it. I was like, let's get after it. Like, don't be afraid, like, to have a crack at these kids, right? Did they respond to that?

We won 8-2. That is like a Mighty Ducks film script or something. Yeah, so 8-2, that kid cried, sucker. Did you say anything to him? No, I felt like the kids had said enough with the ball. Put that on a T-shirt. Poetry. Thank you.

And are you coach now? No, fuck no. They were like, oh, he did great. I'm like, no, I didn't. Did terribly. Did terribly, don't want to do this again. The halftime, pet. You were just coming for the half-time pep talk.

Yeah, and it's not the first time I've had to give this team a half-time rev-up. A few weeks back, they were just all asleep. It was really early this game. And you said, wake up. And that's always it. Second half, they got him on the field. And before the referee, I was like, come here for a sec. And I was like, show a bit of fucking ticker, would you?

That's another thing as well. I swear a lot. And I was like to the parents. Yeah, the kids loved it. They respect me. Louis would fucking love. Yeah, yeah. Someone swearing like that in front of him.

Yeah, I was like, show me to fucking ticker. Go after, like, throw off your fucking helmet. Get into it. These kids are seven. I know. Well, that's what it was like when we coach these other kids. My man and I were just like, fucking just get these kids. We would mouth off of coaches and shit like that.

We're part of the problem. But it was my coaching debut. I'm undefeated. Actually, both teams, both sides won by a deep. They actually moved that kid to the other field. Because they knew I had it in for him. You were too good. Yeah, thank you.

You were too good to just throw this away. No, I'm thrown away. That's it. I've retired. I'm not doing it again. No way. Can you come do Louis team? Yeah.

What are they need to? Rev up? Listen to how your little shit? Yeah, I know. Fucking have some ticker into your fucking cunts. I know. It was funny because it was like, during training I was like, any time a kid talks back, I'm just going to just tell him to shut up.

I was the first one. I feel like they'd listen to that. Yeah, there was a couple of kids. The coaches are being too soft. Yeah, one of the kids was like, it's elbow. I was like, how about you shut up? And they were like, oh, okay. And the parents were like, oh, I like this.

It's unorthodox, but it seems to work. Oscar was like, don't go too hard on me. I'm like, oh, shut up. And Oscar was just like, where am I? I'm like, go away, shut up. Anyway. I think we need more parents like you, actually. Thank you.

Thank you. Do we? Yeah, I said, look. The world would be a much more violent place. I know, I said, look, your kids will have some new words when they get home, but it's not my fault. But they'll be winners. Won't be from me.

Look, I'm not going to do it again. I'm not unless I absolutely have to You fucking will I know he secretly loves it as well He's like that'll be one time only I'll never come back Unless you want me back And they'll be down at half time in a game

There's only one man that can save us We need a classic ash pep tour Where I just walk over and go Listen here shit hens Get the fucking ball Put it in the back of the net And send them packing Yes sir

Off they go Good luck for the rest of the season There's a few games left and I couldn't care less. Before we go, we were talking about Jiu-Jitsu before. Our Oscar had made a new friend at Jiu-Jitsu. So a non-school friend. Oh. A jiu-jitsu.

Nice. Believe it or not, he's Brazilian. A lot of Brazilians down there at the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. No, figure. Yeah. So I can't remember what his name was, but it's probably the best. I like that you tried to attempt to remember. Yeah.

So Oscar came out of class, buzzing. Buzing, buzzing, buzzing. Came up and he said, hey, so-and-so, his mom is looking for you because she wants to invite you to his birthday party. I was like, oh, great. You've got a birthday party already. Don't come on a bit strong. And anyway, so I just looked for the lady who was confused and looking for someone.

I was like, you're looking for me? And she was like, yeah, Oscar's dad. I want to invite Oscar, what's your phone number? And I gave Maple's number because I don't have time for that. And I was like, sweet, no worries. Yeah, he'll be excited. And like, I was all for it. I'm like, yeah, yeah.

But April's way better organizing things than me. That's why I gave him her number. And I get home and April's like, I got a birthday. I was like, yeah, yeah, it's Oscar's new friend. It was like, oh, great. So it's at 9 a.m. I was like, great, okay, and 9 till 3. Wow.

What? 9 a.m. till 3 p.m. What are they doing? Very good question. Very good question. The Brazilians do things differently. I know, that's, and I actually consulted my Brazilian friend.

Were you like, is this? I went on an investigation with the other Brazilians to find out this is normal. And it is. because it's not just we have a birthday party for a kid. There's just a celebration. But what's the six hours? How else do you celebrate? And I was like, oh, okay, it must be a drop and go.

Not. You're locked in. What do you want me to quit my job? I don't have a job. What do you want me to quit this podcast? I'm a coach now, guys. We're going to have to record from down there. It's like.

Nine to three. That's a long time. At someone's house? I don't know any of the details. The kids would just be playing around. I think it would be like the adults hang out and party. Six. I don't think my kids have that kind of stamina in them.

I don't know, maybe they're a bit weak at times. But after a couple hours, they're like, well, we're done. Like, we're done here. I'm done immediately. I mean, that's disrespectful to the Brazilians, Ash. I'll be there for the, oh, the food are probably pretty good. The food is great. I'm thinking about these all wrong.

Paella? No, that's Spanish. What do they go? What's the Brazilian dish? It's Brazilian barbecue. They're meat eaters. They can't have on a stick. Oh, now on this thing.

Maybe it's that long because they're like, look, the suckling pig takes five hours. and I'm like, well, fair enough. Someone needs to tell the Brazilians, you only need a couple hours. Does Oscar have to go for the whole thing? Or is it like, it's on for six hours? You show up whenever. I'm not Brazilian. So I don't know.

But if anyone is listening, can you tell us the etiquette of how you can attend a Brazilian party without going for the whole slot? That's got to be the longest kid's birthday party on Earth. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Jesus Christ. It's unheard of. I've never heard of it. It's child abuse.

It's parents abuse. You're going to make me sit at a park for six hours? Think of the parents here. I'm dropping him off. Think of the parents. Also, like, you're making life hard for yourselves. Three hours tops. Oh, Max.

I think. You still get your food. You still get your dancing and you're drinking. You still get your presents. Party bag? Get a party bag? You can do it all. Yeah.

No need. No need. Unnecessary. That's a whole day. Someone needs to get in the year of these Brazilians. That's a whole day. Because before we know it, we'll have a fucking six hour party. Oh, let's not. Let's not normalize it.

I don't want to stress people out. I don't want to put fear in their minds. But if you want to try and premeditate that amount of fun for that long, that's a lot of hours to fill. But if you're like, hey, do you know what? We're at the Bolo, the RISL. Everyone's having a good time. If you want to stay, fine.

But you're at my house. You're at my house, guys. I want to fucking be on the couch and be on social media. I want to scroll social media by myself. You're only allowed in my house for two hours at a time. any longer than that. Fix yawning. Exactly.

We better get out of here. This has been a long episode. I'm tired. Well, that's it. 5.30? 526 to be so. Jesus. Okay.

Well, if you... We do it for you guys. I'm doing a night shift. It's like a six-hour birthday party. Yeah, this is what it feels like. If you enjoyed this episode, please give us a review either individual episodes on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. Or you can join us on social media, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook.

YouTube. And YouTube for this episode. We are called Two Doting Dads. That's how you find us, by the way. Mind blown. In case you're wondering. And we'll see you guys next week. Vick, who we got next week?

Ben Night on School Reports, parent teacher interviews and becoming a new dad. We can pick his brain about these reports this year. Thank you. It was diabolical. Sappa. Diabolical. Well, he actually says there's one thing you want to look for on a report card.

And if the kid has done it, you are a fucking good parent. What a bloody tease? I guess it's not distracts easily. That was pretty much all mine. He sucks. Yeah. It distracts easily and distracts those around him. Damn it.

We'll tell you what it is on Monday. Okay, bye. Bye. I can take a walk around. See what there is to see. I'm just a melody with all the people in the street are walking fast as the feet of my. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodian.

of countries throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.