Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #250 Getting Schooled On Report Cards By Ben Knight

Episode Date: August 9, 2026

This week the guys get schooled by author, actor, comedian, teacher and now new dad Ben Knight and for once, it’s not their kids doing the teaching. Ben reveals what teachers really mean when they write those cryptic little comments on our kids’ report cards, and shares the one thing we should actually look for if we want to know whether we’re doing a decent job as parents. He also gives the guys a fascinating insight into what school is really like from the teacher’s perspective, although becoming a dad himself has given Ben a very different view of his students. Funny how that works. Ben also opens up about the arrival of baby Dulcie, whose birth was anything but smooth. The experience has left him incredibly grateful for everything he has in life… and probably a little more appreciative of a full night’s sleep. And because apparently he wasn’t busy enough being a teacher, actor, comedian and new dad, Ben has also written a kids’ book and it’s got one hell of an earworm in it. If you’re looking for something to get stuck in your kids’ heads for the next six months, you can grab a copy here. Or follow Ben on here.  While you're at it you can also grab a copy of Ash's new book The Secret Ingredient here.    ______________________________________________________________________________ If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Matt, you know we have a love for teachers around here. Ah, can't get enough of the good teachers of this country. Well, good news, because we have one in the studio with us, Ben Knight. Because really, teachers are just parents. When you think about it, right? Teachers are educational babysitters. Nope, that sounded horrible. Okay, what's stronger than a parent?

A teacher. A teacher parent. A parent teacher. A parent teacher, and that's what Ben is. He is a parent teacher. He's also a comedian. Now, Ash, I don't want it to get too competitive when I say this, but he is an author. He's written a kid's book and...

Just the one. He's illustrated the book as well. So he wrote and illustrated the book. What can't the man do? I mean, I've written one and a half books, but I didn't illustrate any of them. You didn't, but you're just as good as he is. Thank you. He has a beautiful wife, Andy, and a beautiful daughter.

Dulcy. So he's new at this parenting thing, but he's an old head when it comes to teaching. He actually has a lot to say about school reports. cards. And one thing that we should be looking for to know if we've done a good job at being parents. I can't wait to find out. Should we find out? Please. Okay. Welcome back to three doting dads. I'm Maddie J. I'm Ash. And I'm Ben. It was deeper the first. Yeah, you guys said I had a dress. That was great. You may be the deepest voice we've ever had on the podcast. Damn. There it is. I put a bit of sauce on that. I know. Whenever I do anything of my voice,

I listen back. It's very high pitch. Anyway, that's enough. about my own tattoos. That means you got high testosterone. Did you know that? Don't tease me. No, I'm teasing. I don't have no idea.

Sorry. Yeah, I wonder where you're going with that. I was like, really? Damn it. Medically, it doesn't quite work out.

But anyway. I think you're doing it right, mate. I just saw the photo out the front of you and your jocks. Both in the budgies muggles. They're actually all over the studio. I mean.

But your card's right. It's where you can end up. You could. Yeah. Some budgie smugglers? Parenting podcast. I just tricked you into it, Did you know?

Come for a record. Come for a record. Take you later. Do you get 50 bucks if you take a shirt off? Done. No, actually, no, no, no. I've got a sloppy rig at the moment. That's right.

You're a dad. You're allowed to have it. Yeah. Yours is crazy, dude. Did you ever let yourself go when you became a dad? I've tried. Oh, come. Oh, shut out.

I know. He's got muscles in his shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I just, yeah, smell. I'm very. Very lucky. Very lucky. You are blessed.

Great, thank you. Kissed on the dick. Thank you. We start these episodes by finding a little bit out about the guest. Yep. So we want to know, do you recall the most trouble you got in as a child? Growing up as a jingian on the sunshine coast. Okay.

A lot of sunburn now. Yeah, yeah. I had to move down in Melbourne. One that I recall, I was probably four years old. And I bit a hole in the water bed. Well, that's not good. Mom and Dad's water bed. Was that their main bed?

Was the water bed a guest bed? No, it was their bed. Yeah. They slept in a water bed. You don't have a water bed as a guest bed. Well, I was like, they're fucking hard to sleep in. Dude, so hard. They're so warm.

You're all over the shop. Yeah, I don't know. My nan had one. You were doing them a favour. Yeah, basically, yeah. Well, that all you were thirsty. I don't know. We made three kids on it, so I don't know.

Imagine that. My kids were made at sea. Oh, regret bringing that up. Anyway, what was the punishment? Oh, so anyway, bit a hole in the waterbed. And my little brother was in there. And dad said, my dad's kind of, he was a warrant officer in the Air Force. Okay.

What's a time? What's a warrant officer? I don't know. Pretty high up. And dad said, who bit the hole in the water bed? And I said, Sam, my little brother. And then dad turned to Sam, not a tooth in his head. And he's gone, all right, then.

And I'm going to give Sam a big smack. And I was like, all right, then. And I just walked out. And he closed the door. And he went, you're a naughty boy, Sam. and started clapping his hands. Yeah. And then I don't remember this, but dad said,

a faux slap. He was calling your bluff. He knew. Totally, totally. Yeah, no teeth this kid. Exactly. So there's big hole, yeah, in the water bed. Meanwhile, the bed's still like,

yeah, that's a question. Was it going everywhere? Yeah, it was a tiny hole. So it was kind of spraying. I think dad patched it up. Pretty quick. Did the disciplining? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait right there. Whoa. Where are my glist? Yeah, something like that. I can't even remember how he patch. I don't remember this, but I remember him coming out and he said, all right, so Sam got a big smack. And apparently I was just watching TV and I just looked at him and went, good. I just kept watching TV.

And I was like, what a little shit. But apparently you don't have morality yet until you're like five years old. Really? Yeah. Apparently like four year olds will sell their soul to get out of anything in trouble. Roller and Macy pretty bad. Makes a lot of sense. I mean, Macy's not quite five.

So she's still, yeah, she's like Iceman. What to get out of trouble? She would just be like, him, he did it. And it's like clearly like she did it. Yeah, which made me feel better.

I thought it was a fucking psych about. I also heard that kids don't remember anything until they're like after four or five. After four. Yeah. So the morality and memory must kind of go like. Yeah, maybe. Your memory kicked in before your morality did.

Maybe. Yeah. Even about it, it's a total asshole. Yeah. Wow. Oh, fuck. Don't answer that, boys.

So did he ever, like, did you ever get in trouble for it or not? Yeah, yeah, I got in trouble, but I can't remember. Yeah, I remember what I got injured. Yeah. Like I said, five years old. That's sharp with your teeth. I got, man, got some little, yeah. Well, Lola would bite my shirt and put holes in my shirt.

He's like a little piranha. Yeah, I was a biter. Nana, I would always bite Nana. You're sorry? Got a thing for bananas. Bight my Nana. And that's where it all's. They're tasty.

There's nannas. Oh, man. Mature. Got to be an extra skin to chew on. I used to bite everything. Well, Nana only had one boob, so I'd always play with her fake boob. She used to give me her fake boob to play with. What do you mean?

She was like, yeah, play with this while I'm sorry. I should. I should. Elaborate, please. I've got a whole bit I'd do about it. So Nana, back in the day, because you had breast cancer, they chopped off one of a boobies. They gave her a big fake titty. And she just used to leave it laying around the house.

And that was like our favorite thing to play with. Here's a question. It's like fun. What detached is a Velcro? Nah, dude. Velcro on the. No, man, it's just, yeah, I don't know, it's kind of like a suction time. Two magnets.

Just like, just sort of pop it on, dude. Two magnets. Yeah, like, man, that would work. I've never heard that. Yeah, yeah, big fake boo. And she wasn't a skitt. She was a proper nan. She was a nana.

Yeah, she had, yeah, tig old nanibetes, you know what I mean? So I was like, yeah. So this thing, it would just be like a jellyfish on the beach. You know, you find, you remember you find jellyfish on the beach? Jelly lover, yeah. Man, you grab that thing, you throw it at your brother. He's like, yeah. Really?

Yeah. Anyway, I bit a hole in that as well. Did you? And she's like, oh, not my tit. Yeah. Yeah, dude. You bring your dad in to patch it up. Yeah. And she bit me back.

I remember because I used to bite her. And then one day in the back seat, she just went, well, without mom and dad. It looked. Bit me. Yeah. We've heard a few stories like that. Yeah. That's a lot of moms and dads are like, how do I get my child to stop biting?

And the success rate of when you bite back a kid. Yeah. Apparently it works. Oh, dude, I'm not a doctor. Look, I don't know. I'm not telling people to bite kids. Go on. We're never doing that kind of behaviour.

But it's worth the try. I don't know, dude. I think we've gone too far with the, maybe, with the gentle parenting. You know, like, I don't know. It's such like, it seems very rogue to be like a gentle parent but then just take a bite. Yeah. You know what I mean? We've got a release valve.

You've got to let some steam off. It's like, teachers that are like, oh my God, my little cherubs had such a great day. I'm like, well, I can check their hard drive, dude. You've got to let some steam off, dude. Like, you've got to, if I don't trust a teacher that's not calling a kid something mean. Behind the back. Yeah. But I've got to, the kindest people have the most dark sense of humor.

Yeah. I believe. Like my fiance, who's an ICU nurse, first thing she said when we went on our first date, she came up to me, she was like two hours late. And she said, I'm so sorry, George wouldn't fucking die like that, right? Okay, so hear that and everyone goes like, what a bitch. But what no one knows is she stayed back two hours unpaid to hold his hand because he had no family. So like, yeah, exactly.

Oh, man. She ended up smothering him in the end. I've got a date. So yeah, that's the bit you don't know. But I feel like we live in this world where it's like more important to present kind than actually be kind. Well said for sure. Yeah. Like, so she says those words.

You're like, oh, what a bitch. But like unpaid, holding his hand, he had no family. She's the best person I know. She grew morality early on. Yeah, she wasn't buying any holes in titties or waterbeds, that's for sure. I do want to speak about your wife, but I'm more interested, I love the concept of teaching. Yeah. And I come from a family of teaching.

On that is a teacher. My mom's a teacher. My brother's a teacher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember as a kid, I must have been like 19. And mom used to teach primary. And she was like, come into one of my classes, if you want, like. Yeah.

And it was, for me, it was pretty exciting to see mum in action. Yeah. But it was just, like, I was watching her, less teaching more just like, don't do that, sit down, be quiet, just that for like 20 minutes. I was like, how do you actually try and teach anything when you'd spent so much of the class just trying to like put out little spot fires constantly? It's getting trickier because that's the, yeah, that's kind of like the world we live in. Like, we want everything to be inclusive, obviously, but it is tricky when you've got like

one kid that you've just trying to, like, you've got to manage. their behaviour. This guy. Nah, you'd be a good boy. No, I was a fucking terrible. I went to eight schools. Yeah, that's it. They didn't.

They didn't it? No, but here's, like, you probably just, do you remember your favourite teacher that you had, like someone that got through to you? Mr. Johnson, not my dad, is it a peer teacher? Really? I called him dad.

And now I call him daddy. Daddy. I was going to say. I'm trying to think of teachers that I did like. We used to, my year six teacher, Mr. Cox, he died in a yawning accident. Hold on, you had a teacher, Mr. Johnson and Mr. Cox. Yeah, no, he had Mr. Johnson, I had Mr. Cox. Are we just going to leave that joke there?

We'll leave right. We'll work on it. We'll come right back on it. So he was great because he was cool, man. I really like, I really like. He died in a boat accident, apparently. Yeah, right. But we did have this teacher at my high, one of my high schools,

at Tweed River High, which his name was Mr. Dealey, but we used to call him Extreme Dealey. Because he was a professional bodyboarder as well. But one time there was a fight. And he jumped off a two-story building to stop this fire. And so he was always extreme dearly. And he was the sickest. He jumped and landed on his feet.

Yeah, man. He jumped rolled and then broke up the fight between the two biggest kids in school. I'm sorry, that's unnecessary. Absolutely unnecessary. But he was extreme. Yeah, dude. That's kind of, I mean, I kind of meant like a teacher that got through to you. This is just fucking.

That got, that really got through to me. Remember what was extreme, extreme healing? Extreme Dealing. Extreme Dealing. He did like, yeah, jumped off the two-story building. Okay, that wasn't what I was after, but that's... Who was your favourite teacher? Mr. Pond, in grade six and seven, and then Mr. McAllister.

Mr. Pond. Mr. Pond. What was it about Mr. Pond? He's just the best. He's just like, I think the best teachers are like, if you, you know, when your parents go, I'm not mad, I'm disappointed, and you're like, ah, like, you feel worse than like if they yell at you? Same deal with teachers.

If they're like, if you, I remember, like, making him upset. And I was like, ah, shh. You didn't want to, like you wanted him to be sort of proud of you. And they're the best teachers. Like, did any teachers say to you like, man, I'm so proud of you. Like, no. That sucks, too. Yeah, Mr Cox, for sure.

I do recall, like, having a really good relationship with him. Because I would have, even when he was like on lunch duty and stuff like that, we would chat. And I remember I was just a kid. And I do recall he would always be like in my corner with sport and stuff like that because he knew that was the only real thing. I was concentrating on. I wasn't great.

He was also really good at being like, you work things out differently. So just run with that. Yeah, instead of trying to fit you into a mould. See, you do remember, man. And here I am. He's great.

Yeah. Now, that's a sick teacher. Hey, rest of peace. That's true. I like how Mr. Dealey got more of a feature. Yeah. With the two-story flip. It was extreme.

Was Mr. Pond, the teacher that inspired you to become a teacher? Oh, really? Dad was a was a teacher as well. Dad went from a warrant officer to a primary school teacher. So he had no behaviour management issues. He was just like... I bet. Yeah, dude.

He was, yeah. But all the kids were the same. Like, they, he was like, not cranky, but like very stern. He was like, he's the sweetest dude ever. It's like the father figure sort of. Yeah. You can always tell, especially teaching boys, the boys that don't have a father figure in their life. You can see they kind of latch on to you.

They're like, they're just starved of like a good male role model. Yeah. And it's, yeah. It's pretty special that, that part of teaching. Would you say that if you recognize a child, like a child, a child like say a boy like that you can sort of have an inkling that they don't have that role model father in their lives and start to draw to you do you teach that person differently that's the thing it's really hard in all the subjects you've got to teach like back when i very first started teaching

which is back in 2006 the the curriculum wasn't as like fleshed out you got to teach this many hours as english this many hours of math so we've got to get all this stuff done done done done like if a kid came up with a good point you could you could kind of spend 20 minutes like talking about that and like the teaching up the whole child because now it's there's uh academic intelligence and emotional intelligence and it's all academic at the moment but like we don't take any time to teach emotional intelligence which is the one arguably bigger part of a human being especially as an adult totally if you can't understand if you can't understand if you can't understand basic emotions absolutely it's like it's i'd feel sorry for them absolutely but

we yeah we teachers and this is no teachers fault at all They've just, they've got no time to do it. They've got no space to, and that's the beautiful thing about, like, what teaching used to be is like if someone, if a kid came up with an idea, like prep used to be play-based learning. A kid had come up with an idea when I first started teaching and then you'd just expand on it. Like one kid talked about dinosaurs and like, hell yeah, we're learning about dinosaurs.

And there's dinosaurs all over them making eggs. But that's like coming from the kids, whereas like now it's like, all right, sit down, we're going to learn about. Here's a picture of a dinosaur and that's all you're getting. Yeah, yeah. How do you spell? Tyranosaurus race, who gives a shit?

They're awesome. Like, that's, that love of learning. Yeah, when you think about now it feels like a blur, like your whole child and stuff going through school. But when you start, like, when you ask me and stopped and I thought about it, yeah, yeah, yeah. There were those teachers there that made you be like, okay, well, I don't hate that one.

But yeah. Yeah, there was other ones that you just tormented, which you feel sorry. I feel bad about now, but at the time. Nah, you're trying stuff out there. You're a kid. I was just learning who I am. How many teachers did you make cry?

Lots. This is an apology to all my, previous teacher, except for my English teacher who told me I'd never be anything. He said I would be a used cast husband and fun fact, I was. And then I wrote a book. There you go. Yeah, well, I wrote an illustrated book. I can't spell.

Well, I got two books. Oh, I was going to. Can you dig out? Start swinging it. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant like, I'm a dog shit speller. Oh, yeah. Just left.

Yeah. Yeah. So what were your subjects that you taught? In primary school? Yeah. Well, primary school you just teach. all of them. You teach. You're just, you're everything. Yeah. Jack of all trades. Yeah. What would you say that you're the most, you were like, this is where I sit in the subjects.

Like what's my, what gets you going? I mean, the PE is the, I want to say. No, maths is dope. I love maths. And that's the wrong sentence. I want to agree with you there. Maths and science. Science is my favorite. Wow. But yeah, PE just because it's like, yeah. Yeah. I hated mass, but now I'm a real numbers guy. Yeah. English I hate, I hate, which is. Why do you hate English? Because it's stupid. I lived in Guatemala and taught in Guatemala and Spanish was a lot easier than English. Give me an example of what's wrong with English, with the rules.

Like I before E, except after C. You know that one? It's limiting. Yeah. You know that rule? Yeah. Except for weird height, their weight, rain, seas, neighbor freight, ancient foreign, leisure ways, society, science and vein, caffeine, sufficient species,

conceivable capillaries. I can go on for late. I learned this. I just remembered a heap. So it's like, ooh, you're idiots. Because you can't do this scenario. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I've got to defend myself here. There's so many. But also, what I've been saying the whole time is, like, English is, it's super fun if you have a good teacher teaching it. But, like, yeah, the Australian curriculum, it's, we've got to do this. And now we're learning about this and this and this. And, like, I was really good at poetry, which was, like, just because I love, like, I love rap and all that sort of stuff. And, like, I was, and I wrote this great poem for my, I think it was, like, I think it was, like year 12 assessment and they're like no we don't take poetry and my english teacher who was great

went into bat for me and he said no this is fantastic and they said we can't accept it it was called um the qcs test i wanted to write a yeah a poem because i love rhyming i love words i love that creative type of writing but they don't they didn't accept that that's and well yeah it's it's it's like yeah yeah we'll test you yeah yeah yeah don't show us anything really good because you don't want to see it Yeah, don't think laterally, yeah, creatively or anything like that. But yeah. Did you learn anything as a teacher where you're like, this is going to help me so much when I have my own kids in terms of getting kids to behave? I guess so, yeah.

I guess you kind of take it through osmosis. You definitely learn what not to do. Which is? From watching parents come in. Go, go, go, go, go. Yeah, no, go, go, go. No, well, you can just tell the parents, you're like, oh, I don't want to do that. Question?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Education Day. When the parents come in and they sit at the desk, what are you like, what would you look out for? Oh, do you mean like a parent teacher interview? No, I'm also when like, open class. Yeah, like open.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so what, what would you look at that would make you go, oh, it's a good mum or dad or oh, they're not really that invested? So you've got your, your mums, and I'll say mums because it's mainly the mums that come in, like I know that's, yeah, profiling or whatever, but they, the way it is. Mums that come in and the ones that will get their lunchbox out and unpack their lunchbox and the ones that'll get their little reading book

and like swap it over. I'm like, nah, he needs to do it. Like the real sort of, they call it helicopter parents. Or they call them bulldozer parents now. You know that term? They bulldoze the forest so the kid just has a perfect path through. That sounds amazing. No, because they don't learn any resilience.

That's true, fair true. That's, yeah. It's like my kids. Sorry, I just got cranky at you. No! Just tell me you're disappointed in a movie. One, two, three eyes on me. Those ones are the ones that I didn't like, that I didn't want to be.

Like, you want them to work stuff out for themselves, make mistakes, that sort of thing. You better off to be there to pick them up after the pieces are falling down instead of just moving the pieces out of the way, right? Yeah, exactly. That was well said by me. Come on, give me something to that. Put that on a mug. That was slow. That was slow.

All right, I'm out of it. But on the other end of the spectrum, you've got, yeah, the ones are just non-existent. Like, they don't rock up. You're like, can we come in and have a chat about Jaden? We'll call it, say Jaden. It's a naughty boy name. Yeah, J-N-N, yeah, with three wires or something like that. But, yeah, can we have a chat?

Can we have a chat? And, yeah, you just don't hear from them. And so you kind of got to split the diff, I think. Okay. What do you mean about you don't hear from them to come and- Parents just non-existent? They don't, they don't, like, these poor kids. I've taught so many kids where it's just like, man, you just need a fucking hug.

It sucks. It's so, straight your heart, man. And I can't because I'll get, yeah, dude. That's what sucks, man, like, especially as a dude. Like, he can't. Like, that sounds so weird. like, oh, the hug, but some fucking kids need a hug, man. For sure.

And it sucks that, yeah. Yeah, we were just talking about this, actually, that, like, because Matt had an open day. And it was like, I had an open day where there was a kid on Oscar's cluster of table that no one was there. And I remember I sat next to him and I was, show me what you got. And I just, because I was like, I felt like, he's so, he doesn't deserve that. No matter what the circumstances, his parents could have been really busy corporate and

just couldn't make it or whatever. But I felt like, okay, well, at least I've showed some interesting. Yeah. And yeah, he was just chill. But like, I feel, man, that's the sort of thing that gets gets me. Dude, absolutely. It's the kindness coming out of him. It's there.

Push it back. Yeah, you grow up me, man, Queensland. He's fucking push the motions down. Bottle it up. I do want to get back to teaching. Yes. Yeah, yeah. But before we do that, I want to know about your journey to become a dad.

When did you decide you wanted to become a dad? I don't know, man. It's never been something like, I always knew I wanted to be a dad. But like, it wasn't, I think it was just, I met the right person. Like Andy, my partner's the best. And then she said, should we start trying? I was like, hell yeah. How old is your kid now?

Five months? Five months. Yeah, five months. You're in that thick of it. Dude. No sleep. I'm like, yeah, had a few coffees before this. You look great.

Oh, shit. Yeah, you're the same, yeah. Number three, ten months at the moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe 11 months. Yeah. But yeah, I'm on six. shots of coffee a day.

Wow. Is that what a... Hell yeah, dude. There you are. Is that how you get their abs, is it? I just don't eat. There's a term that gets thrown around a little bit. It's actually quite new to us, but geriatric pregnancy.

Dude, it's so funny. I'm horrible. I only learnt this through Matt, because Matt's beautiful wife, Laura, is 40. Exactly 40, right? Yeah. And they just had poppy what, 10 months ago. So she would be considered a... 100%.

Anything over 35 is geriatric. So I'm geriatric. Yeah. I think that's the messed up thing. I don't think it applies to dudes. They don't say geriatric for dudes. I don't think, because I looked it up, I was trying to write a joke about it, but I don't think it applies to, I mean, Al Pacino is still shooting at 81. Yes. It's crazy. Bloody Al. Al, I just can't help himself. Those swimmers can't be good. Man, I mean, it's so crazy, but there's also a little part of me that's like,

still got it. Legend. I can't understand a word he says. It's gross, but also he's like, right, man, I'm an idiot. He's not getting up in the middle of the night, changing nappies. Nah, he's changing his. Yeah, totally. Wait, look up to me first.

So, Andy was geriatric. Geriatric, yeah. I mean, I don't know, everyone's sort of having kids later these days, right? And I feel like everyone's sort of looking after themselves more, you know? Yeah, I think we just know more. Yeah. Like, we know more, like, with everything. So I think, like, now, like, definitely like people are having kids older.

But I suppose there's, still some of the old processes that people go through, like checking sperm and stuff like that. Yes. As geriatric, like I've never been through that. So you didn't check yours? No, no. I only checked it when they stopped it like when I got the sneer. Oh, sick.

Yeah, yeah. We were both pretty lucky in that it wasn't a long process for our wives to fall pregnant. Me too. And I know so many people have so many troubles with fertility. And Andy said we should try now. I'm ovulating. And then we did. and then boom.

And there was a little part of me. I was like, hell yeah. I knew it. So, shock. Why did you get your sperm tested? Well, because I was 40 and she said, we'll just get checked. We'll get everything checked. So I got it checked, which is hilarious.

Do you know the process of it? Not at all right. I never went back. You got to get it to the pathology within 40 minutes. You don't do it in there? You can. How do people in country towns do it? And the doctor's like an hour and a half away.

My little brother, he lives out in the like, what, war. So he had to find a bar. A bathroom, like a sort of 20 minute, public bathroom, 20 minutes away. So he went in there, did his thing, and then drove straight to the thing and dropped it off. Yeah, they give you the cup. I would have just done it in the car. Okay. Where are you parking it, dude?

Nah, driving. I'm driving. I'm driving to stick today. Cruise control? Just, yeah, hell yeah, dude. When you go for your first meeting at the pathology? Honestly, they just said they did blood tests and you're, urine tests and they check like your genomes and all that, I think. And then, yeah, they're like

go to this in the cup. So I was like 25 minutes away from the pathology. And what's the deadline again? 40 minutes. Okay, it's manageable. Yeah, yeah, but I hit traffic on Victoria's a drive-through. Yeah. On the way. Drive-through sperm donation. That's hell yeah. You know they weren't taking gingers for ages, sperm donations? Really? Yeah, pretty funny. I'm too many of you. I'm so sorry. Well, no. No one wants it. Oh. Except dandy. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. She's like, I'll take all your donations.

No, we're back now. We're back now. We're back now. You're back in season. Dude, there was, there was a moment there where they're like, yeah, we're not taking any ginger. Yeah, that's pretty funny. You do that with any other type of humor. You're like racist. That's shit. Yeah, it's pretty funny. Anyway, yeah, but that, so I hit traffic and I got there with like five minutes to spare. Wait, wait, go back. So you do all your bloods. They give you the cup.

Yeah. And they say, go home, do your thing, and then get that into the pathology. What's it like handing over a cup of semen to a complete strain? Yeah. Dude, creepy. It is creepy. Nah, they're fine. I'm assuming when you did the deed at home, you went straight out the door or did you like have a cup of coffee first?

Yeah, like got a croissant. Yeah. And you're like, I've got 15 minutes. There's like buffer. Well, you've got to keep it warm as well. You've got to keep it. They say to keep it in your pocket because it's got to, yeah. I'm so sorry.

This is gross. That's great. Is this all right for this podcast? This is heaven for us. We're talking about it. Honestly, we're talking about cum so much. Dude, all right. This is actually PG.

I was like, let's just go back to the cum. But, yeah, that was, that was wild. You're going to carry around a cup of your come in your pocket. It's just like get on track. So you leave the house. You leave the house. All's well. In the car.

In the pocket. In the pocket. Yeah. And then when do you go, we've got an issue here? Oh, hit Victoria. So in Melbourne, went down the street. I think a tram had hit a car. Oh.

It was like, holy, yes, I sort of had to, and I was looking at the maps, like, I can run it. How much time did you have to spare when you handed it over? Five minutes. Oh, wow. You're kind of fine. Yeah. I said that before, Madly. I'm sorry.

I was too fixated on me. It was blinded by the car. In my mind, it's just you were ejaculating in my own. You were picturing it. I just thought that would be funny. And then she fell pregnant. Yeah. First go.

And how was the pregnancy for her? Was she uncomfortable? She's sick. Yeah, morning sickness, man. It sucks. And you can't do anything to help, right? You kind of like, just give her food, help out. Try and, yeah, keep your mouth shut.

So you don't tell anything done. Yeah. Oh, I'm so tired. You shot the fuck. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, I do feel like, I know some people are, like, sick for the whole nine months. Like, yeah, yeah.

She was crook for the, I think, the first 10 weeks. Okay. And then got, got okay. And then the birth, the birth was hectic. Talk us through the birth. The birth of my child was absolutely crazy. It was the most full-on experience of my life. You said it's okay to cry on this, but no, I won't.

You can. No, no, no. That cries all the time. D-y, pussy. Guilty. Guilty. Man. I'm about to fucking start crying.

I am the biggest sook. Yeah, I was welling up just before talking about the kids that need a hug. Like, I'm the biggest sook. But she had pre-clement. Clampsia? Go on. Preclampsia? What's preclamps?

It just blood pressure spikes. Okay. And then so really quick. So we went in and they go, oh, you got preclampsia. And so her heart rate was going up and down. Was she induced? No. So water's broke when she went in.

Water's broke and then we went in. Yeah. And then five hours later, she's like, okay, we've got to push, got a bear down. And then they put the heart rate monitor, you know, on the little spike on the head. Well, they put the heart rate for that one. But if they can't get a good. reading they put a little spike on their, yeah, on their, on their scalp. Little girl's heart rate was going up and down when she was pushing and that sort of

stuff. So they're episiotomy where they snip and then vacuum pulled her out and then she wasn't breathing, got the, I don't know, whatever it did, the make it to make the little girl breathe. So I went over with Dulcea girl and then I'm looking at Andy and she's like bleeding out. And then the placenta wouldn't come out. So they took her to the operating theatre and I was just left with Dolce. chest, just like, she's coming back right? And they're like, yeah.

But like for those two. How did you know that she wasn't breathing? Like, how would? Oh, they said, yeah, we'll get her on the machine quickly. Because we wanted to put her on the chest and have that, you know, that golden time. Skin to skin to skin. And they were like, not right now. Yeah, because I said, what about the, what do you call it?

The ambical cord. Yeah, the umbilical cord, but like you're meant to leave it for five minutes or something to get all the nutrient syndrome instead of just cutting it straight away. There's some, I forget what it's called. But apparently that's the best. thing to do is leave the umbilical cord and put them on the chest and like there's the last little bits of whatever and then snippet but they said you got to snip it and I'm like but what about the and like no time sniffed it's like calamari did you guys snip the yeah i didn't like

no way i fainted did you did you i'm sorry for calling you a pussy matty uh i'd be called far worse yeah he got honestly they're like the first time they're like do want to cut it's like no i don't want to go anything. No way. Oh man. I'm a weirder. I like popping pimple videos and all that sort of stuff. He's right. Yeah, dude. Buttonholes and nannas titties.

Anyway, snip the ambical cord. Then we take little girl over and they start making it breathe like that thing. That's the scariest moment where she's not breathing and then finally. Holy shit. What does that feel like as a dad watching your newborn child being worked on? Oh, dude. Yeah, it's fucked. It's the worst.

You trying to make me cry, dude? What are you doing? I know that question. How long? It wasn't that long, but that's the thing. I don't know, man. Every second. I would have been like, yeah.

I genuinely don't know. I was just like freaking out and she's like looking up with me. I'm like, oh, dude, yeah. So I don't know exactly how long it was. But then she got, she started breathing and I was like, she's all right. Andy's bleeding out. She's all right. I'm like, yeah, she's fine.

I just wanted to put her on Andy, I remember. And then they said, no, we got to race her off. Operation, get the placenta out. And then I'm just holding double. Tulsi for like two hours and I'm like Andy's alright right right because she was bleeding out and they're like yeah no she's fine just that two hours it's quite isolated like I say April went in for an emergency on the first one yeah and they're like you need to take baby and go yeah I was it felt like forever but same you have that feeling where you're like dude yeah you just felt

so isolated dude it's crazy and you can't do anything no yeah which look they're going through the bulk of it and you that's the other thing I feel really dumb saying how oh really hard for me because all you worry about is is your partner but like just the fact that you can't do anything and i don't know as dudes were idiots we just want to help that's our first yeah every dude's just i want to want to help me there's nothing you can do so you just sitting there yeah holding little girl and then the worst bit was because she got preclampsia they sent us home after two days because her blood pressure went down but then andy had a real bad headache and she took her blood pressure she's an ICU nurse i said that before and it was like i remember

that part really dude i feel so bad i thought i've thought I thought I said that before, Maddie, would be funny. And you didn't laugh. I was like, oh, I'm a fucking asshole. You're a teacher. So we're just, we're built to be scared of you. Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought it'd be funny.

I was like, oh, do you sound like an asshole dude? It was funny. Anyway. But I'm so sorry, dude. I was like, we're going to put our listening hat on now, Matthew. You're going to go. I thought it'd be funny. I was like, you just sounded like an asshole, dude.

It was funny for me. I'm so sorry. Not at all. Can you yell at him one more time? No, I'm a big softie. I'm yet to see it. Put me in the budgie smugglers. That joke didn't land.

Anyway, I'm going to. So we went back in and her blood pressure went through the roof. And then because she's a nurse, she knew what was happening. They started tapping her knee and her legs started really shaking. And that's early signs of neurological problems. And so Andy started crying and she never cries. And I was like, this is fucking. There was a code blue.

Doctors ran in. I'm there holding Dolsey again because Andy's crying. And I'm like, I automatically go, don't cry, obviously. You've got to hold it together. And then it was crazy. All these doctors came in. And I was like, oh, something's up. And I could see the doctor that let us go.

She was really worried. It's so funny what you take in, what you watch, like these tiny little sort of, I don't know, Mike, what do you call them? Yeah, the micro moments that you pick up. Yeah, dude. That you wouldn't usually. Yeah. And she was worried. And I was like, well, that's bad.

You can't be worried. Yeah. And so I'm like, she's right. And then so they gave her a magnesium drip to protect. her brain, her legs, everything was sort of shakes. So she almost had a stroke and a seizure. And that's the bit that really messed me up. I was like, yeah, just seeing the person you love most in the world.

And then like, yeah, your brain just goes to the worst places. Like, yeah, intrusive thoughts galore. And again, there's nothing that you can do. And you're like, I just want to, you would prefer it to be you. Yeah. You're just like, I wish it was me down there. Yeah, yeah. You wouldn't have to feel that.

Absolutely, man. Yeah. And that. So, but we got through the really tricky bit, but it was like touch and go for. ages. It was just like the magnesium drip and she was in the best hospital in the world, they were saying, like the royal. They would say that though. Keep you to keep it easy. Yeah, totally. Yeah. This is the best hospital in the world. So this is a shed. We're in a shed out of the back of my house. Wogga wogga, private is the best. Yeah. There's one room.

Yeah, but that sucked, man. It's, yeah, that's the, but it's sort of made you very grateful. Not that you'd wish to experience those type of moments, but when you do have them, you almost need them as a little reminder to have perspective of, you know, how fragile things can be. Dude, totally. It's crazy. Everyone's got their own story. Yeah. And everyone's walking around with their own baggage that we don't really notice until you experience and you go, okay, well, this is not that straightforward. Like, we think for thousands of thousands of years, we've been giving birth.

Like, we're all here because of it. Totally. And you think, oh, it's just something that happens. It's like the bus coming up. to pick you up. Yeah. The biggest, biggest killer of women used to be childbirth.

Exactly right. Yes. Yeah. You go through that and then you see people in that situation as well and you're like, man, everyone's really just walking around with their own experience. It's crazy. And it's not until you get older that you realize that.

Mm. It's, and that's the other thing. Like, give shit to parents. But like, honestly, it's all just jokes.

It's all jokes because everyone's, what I've learned is everyone's just trying their best. That's all. That's all you can do. Yeah. And everyone fucks up. And I think that's the biggest lesson. It's like, yeah, everyone's just giving it a crank.

Yeah. Trying to live best. We always speak about the transition with your first child is one of the biggest transition of your whole life. Yeah. Like obviously you can move cities, you can start a new job. They're all big moments, but nothing is as big as big as welcoming a child into the world.

Maybe not as big for you because you're a teacher, so you already have so much exposure to kids. Like, did you, how did you find that transition? Nah, probably worse. Really? Yeah, I think so. Do you know what? Because what we were talking about before with like the whole hug thing,

making a joke out of it. I think being a teacher, you're like, you have to push kids back. Like literally there'll be a kid that's trying to hug you. You've got to turn your hips, pat him on their heads, like put your arms up in the head. No, like blow your safety whistles. Like, yeah, we're all like, yeah, appreciate you too. Like you're so like desensitized. Fuck off.

Yeah. You're going to get me fired. Yeah, yeah, totally. Not a Mr. G where he was like, he's okay. Yeah, he's okay. Yeah, yeah. But yeah. And then this one is like, oh no, you, this one you could.

and pour all the love into that you want. It's like this, I don't know, maybe it was just, maybe it's just, maybe it was you that really needed a hug. Oh, that's beautiful. Thank you. Like, I'm falling. What is happening? Put that at the end.

But yet, that's, for me, I don't know, that was kind of, not weird, but it's like, oh, this one, fine, you can, everything, hug, change nappies, all that sort of stuff. Am I, am I allowed to be doing this? Like, yeah, of course you can, but. It's the complete opposite. It's like, you're actually like, you've got to actually be, care of this thing. Yeah.

Totally. But the transition is wild. But yeah, it's the biggest change in your life. It's mental. I remember just like having a shower, just like a five-minute shower, just going, what the fuck? I know. Just like, you can.

Hair, like, cortisol levels through the roof. I feel like you can, no matter how prepared you think you are, you're not prepared. Yeah. That's how I think. And I was classic not prepared whatsoever. Yeah. That it hit me between the eyes as it does. I mean, after the birthed child, we're five months in now, what sort of baby is she?

Dude, she's so happy. Good sleeper, good eater, happy day. Shit sleeper doesn't poo for ages. She takes like 10, 13 days sometimes to poo. Really? Yeah, dude. Apparently, like, with the milk, it's really efficient. So, like, they can, it's not a bad thing.

Like, sometimes they can go for up to, like, two weeks without pooling. But when they do, oh. Oh, yeah. That's so sick because it's like a full, like, we party, me and Andy. It's like, hell, like, we do. Massive Poonami. Poonami. Your name is.

They're having a good time. Just, what is that a shit? Yeah. Dude, totally. Yeah. They're obviously not solid shit yet. No. No, dude.

Yeah. Yeah, it's still, yeah. Full on. Yeah. But it's, man, it's the best. I forgot the question. I was three. I was just saying, what sort of baby is here?

Oh, dude, she's so happy. Yeah. She's so happy. That's the thing that breaks my heart as well. Like, she's the happy. She smiles and she's giggling, which is sick for me. I love getting laughs. Doing stand up.

Oh, I'm, You're crushing it every day. I'll crush it. I'll do like... Great big confidence. Man, I'm doing like, bo bo bo bo, and she's like,

ah, wow. Wait until they get a bit old and they're like, shut up. Totally. I know when your material doesn't land, you know, like, there's a couple of things I do with Poppy

and it doesn't work. I'm like, fuck. Yeah, got rewrite that bit. Normally, normally, yeah, normally she'd be like hysterics. And Laura's like,

I don't think, I think she's done. How old? Ten months. Ten months. Yeah, yeah. Were you listening before? Thank you, dude.

Thank you. I got you back. I got you back. Don't ever talk to me like that. Is she talking? Is that your question? Yeah. When I think it's unintentional words.

Yeah. And so apparently I'm like, I'm no expert here. So if you're listening to this and you go, Matt, that is completely false. Yeah. I apologize. I'm reciting this from a bad memory. Dad, like the D is a difficult sound for them to make. A mum is easier.

And a few times she'll just be like, blah-l-la-la-lam, mum, and then go on. And I'm like, Dad, different tongue movement. Like, Mum, they're already doing it with that. Yeah. Yeah, because the, yeah, that's true. We need to change the phrase term dad to something more easy to say for a baby, I think. For me. Master.

Yeah, master. I've shit myself. Master, I've shit myself coming to change. She's not really, I mean, the only moment for 10 months, this is what you have to look forward to. Yeah. The only thing that's just kind of cool is that you can say to her, where's Nana?

Yeah. She'll kind of look at Nana. You can say, where's Buster our dog? That's cool. Like, look. And she kind of, I think maybe it's understanding, knows. Like, where's your nose? There's your nose.

And so that's, like, for anyone who doesn't have a child, they must be listening to this going, that sounds. It's boring as shit. So boring. If I didn't have a kid, I'll be like, man, he's such a dork. But now I've had a kid, I might do that sense. So, see. Yeah.

That level of understanding. standing interaction. Yeah. And it gets better and better, better. Yeah. I love it. Every day. She's real happy to the point where, like, she'll be sad.

And then you see her trying to smile and breaks my heart. It's like, baby, it's like, hey, you can just cry. You can be sad. You can feel all the things. Like, it's all good. But, yeah. She rules, man. Like, wake up and she, like, you can see her smiling, like, behind her dummy.

You pull it out. She's just like, hey. I'm like, yeah, let's do it. Andy must have known that she picked a good one because I think. I think if you're a teacher, I'm assuming you're going to be like, okay, that's good. You know, you've got, you're not going to be a total piece of shit with kids. And then you'd already written your kid's book. You haven't met many teachers, have you, dude?

Well, no, I'm raising it off like my mom. I'm like, everyone's beautiful. I think, I think most teachers have a, yeah, have some sort of empathetic bone in their body, I guess. Because you'd written your story, your kid's book before you met Andy. Yeah, I was like 20 years old. By the way, I'm a teacher. I'm also writing kids books. Was that a pickup scene with this book thing?

You were just like, yeah. I finished it because of her. It's Andy. Yeah. So I've got all these books on my computer that I just wrote for ages, like ages ago, like when I was 20. And just over the years just been writing these. But dude, thank you so much. Tell me.

Wow. I'm so sorry for saying. You drew everything on that too. If you say sorry one more time. I feel so bad. I'm going to get an erection. I am so sorry. Because you did all the illustrations.

Yeah. You're a talented man. Ah, stop it, boys. What's the story behind? Where we look at that. Wow. Wow. Wowee, look at that tree.

There's a song on Spotify that goes with it, so you don't have to read it to your kids if you don't want to. You wrote a song for it too. You're making us look like useless people over here. It's cool, it's an earworm. I'm so sorry if people. Hit me with it. Wow, we, look at that tree.

The other saplings laugh at me. It's crooked, bent, and so unusual. This tree is weird and so delusional. Wow, we, look at that tree. That's good. That's stupid. Stopper, guys. What is the story about?

It's about a little tree that decides to grow crue. crooked instead of straight up because he's like all trees grow straight. I'll grow off to the right. A bit like Ash's cock. Yeah. Up to the left. Dude. Are you off to the left as well?

Yeah, I'm right footed. How did you know that's what the story was about? Really? Nah, dude. Man, you would not believe how many dudes, oh, it's about a tree that grows cool. Is it about your dick? We're predictable. And every time, like, man, it's so funny.

And in my head, I was like, well, that's original. It gets me every time, dude. You keep throwing them out. I love it. know what like maybe it's growing like i said before growing up ginger on the sunshine coast like i was the odd one out so it's like about a little tree that sort of grows crooked but then all these things happen and it's just about like staying true to be like embracing your weirdness yeah i guess yeah very cool have you read it to dulcie yeah heaps that's all i read to it at i yeah i read it to her because

it's it's for her it's uh in the the front it's for and my our beautiful little girl which we didn't know it was Dolce yet because the book came out, that's why I haven't plugged it. The book came out the day she was born. Wow. Yeah. Obviously I put it on the back burner, promoting the book and everything. So yeah, to look after little girl. But yeah, I read it to her all the time. Yeah. That and Harry McClary. What do you all go to is for books? Two don't days in the quest for free time. The secret ingredient. Is that a good one? That's a clear. You should, it's critically. Oh, is that one of yours as well? I wrote it. Yeah. What's it cool? Vic, you might know this one. The smigs and the smirves.

The smigs and the smegs. Smigs and the smegs. Yeah, she's great. Her name, what's her name? Julie. She's really, I like her gear. But then sometimes I'm also like, does anyone want to read Spot? Because it's just like four pages and I'm pretty tired.

I also know that we can just speed ramp this whole going to bed process. Yep, that's good. And sometimes Lola's like, I do want to read Spot. I'm like, fuck yes. Where's the grain shape. Cracker. That's not my dinosaur. That's not my bear.

Yeah. Yeah. Encyclopedia. Harry McCleary is my go-to, man. I love Harry Maclary. Yeah, I think I just, yeah. So, yeah, Andy is the reason I finish it. I showed her these books.

She wasn't just going through my computer. I was like, these books are. She knew that we're already there, mate, don't you are? And I said, I can't even remember. It was in my notes. I had all these books that I've written. I got a fair few of them. And she was like, why haven't you done anything with these?

And everyone thinks it's like so easy to, I've approached publishers. They were kind of a little bit funny about, we don't really like it, whatever. So she said, just draw the pictures. And so when I was on working on a film, I just started drawing the pictures in my downtime. And eventually they're just banked up. And then I finished it. And then I was backstage with Husey having a yarn. Talking about tax.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wasn't there yet. He wasn't there. The old Huesy. It's pre-tax. This is the Old Testament. He said. Yeah.

So I love you. Yeah, we got him Old Testament too. It was great. Dude, he's the king. I go into Bat for him all. I love him. And because he's very, uh, likes to help people. Yeah.

And he said, yeah, I'll get you a publisher's number with Scholastics. I had a meeting and they like, they really liked it. And then they, uh, yeah, we published that. And then they went through my Instagram and said, this joke's really funny. You want to write a book about that? I was like, hell yeah. Yeah. So I've written another one.

Nice. A stick. Classic. Yeah. Everyone loves sticks. Everyone loves sticks, bro. You've found a stick. You're a holy shit.

You sound like, yeah, big long stick. Dude, I'm a wizard now. That's the whole, the whole joke's about it. I wish my girls were into sticks, but they... They'll get there. They never picked it up. Very good. Yeah, it is, I hate to say it, but it is a pretty boy thing.

Yeah. Climbing trees and getting sticks. You find a sick, stick, one that looks like a gun. There's an Instagram account that has sticks that looks like guns. Looks like guns. So my joke that I did, it was like on 3 million views or whatever. And someone tagged official stick reviews. And then they shared it.

And then it went like bananas. They have five million hits or like. I love how people just create like accounts or things like that. With teaching, without doubt, there's a boy that walks in after lunch just holding a stick. And you're like, come in it. I'm like, yeah. Bring that stick over here. Yeah, yeah.

Bring it here. Yeah. I want to get a good look at it. But they don't even know they got him. I, dude, what's the stick for? And he's like, oh, it's good stick. And I was like, yeah, man, it's a stick. It's a sick stick.

I'm so sorry, you're going to leave it outside. It's like, why I'm like, I don't know. The other rules are stupid. It was up to me that stick could stay. Man, let's put it in the electric sharpen, bro. Let's try to see what happens. Talking about teaching, what were you like at writing report cards? Do you know, I got in trouble a few times because I tried to make them very personal.

And they said, you've got to be very professional. I go, look, personal is in like, man. Timmy's a dick. I wish, dude. No, but I'd write things like, man, like, like, how I talk, because I talk like an idiot. Like, oh, I'm like, man, you're such a little legend. Loved having you in the class.

Keep kicking butt or something like that. That's great. I love that. Yeah, but they're like, no, it's got to be professional. But every now and then, there was a really cool deputy principal that he'd let a few slip through. Because that's how report cards work. We write them, give them to the principals. They read over them, check over them.

And then they go out. I'd be like, yeah, fine, fine, fine. Yeah. And then you read the PE teacher's ones. and you're like, oh, we should have checked these. We should have checked. They're not spelling mistakes. And he was right, not good at spelling,

you could spell that wrong. Yeah. We think we understand report cards, right? We think we're picking up what the teachers are putting down. But we thought we would just get your opinion on a few lines to understand what they actually mean. Yeah, me. And some of these are ones that I would have seen in my report card,

like distract easy. Yeah, naughty boy. So I'll start this one. Ash is a spirited learner and developing self-regulation. What does that mean? Oh, Ash won't sit the fuck down. He's absolutely psycho. But a good boy.

You kind of got to bookend him. You got a shit sandwich them sometimes. Exactly, yeah. Matt has a vivid imagination. Oh, space cadet. Absolutely space. Dude, that's me. That's me.

Yeah, I feel like. My head's off with the fairies all the time. Here we go, is another one. extremely inquisitive. Oh, a little sticky beak. Oscar, that's my... Nosey. Nosey, yeah, yeah.

Really wanted to... Oh, yeah. That's Oscar, man. Is he? I always use the... Whenever he asks a question that's just sticky beak and I'm always like, Nanya.

And you know it straight away. Nanyan. What about confident and assertive? Wenger. Thanks, dude. You took the brains on that one. Yeah, confident. I got that a lot.

I mean, it can be... Sometimes that's a good one. Like they are just confident and very assertive, but sometimes it's like, let someone else speak. Bianca. Yeah. Peer relationships are developing. Nigel, no friends.

Oh, okay, right. Yeah. I know. Yeah. And that's a sad one, isn't it? But it's tricky. But when you meet the parent, you're like, oh, yeah, it makes a lot of sense. Dude, if you, yeah, I can pretty much, if you teach long enough, you're like,

I know exactly what the parent's going to look like or be like. Be like, yeah. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Yeah, based on the kid. Yeah, kid with Velcro shoes in grade five, you're going to have the mum at the window at 2.30. You know what I mean? Just like.

Jonathan's everything okay? Yeah, yeah. That sort of, yeah. Yeah, the bulldozer parent. Yeah, exactly, yeah. A real character. Oh, no, that's a good one. Yeah, that's you boys.

Thank you. That's you boys. Nauty boys. Yeah. Guilty. We are naughty boys. Cheaky, naughty boys. Sorry.

Enjoy his movie. breaks as I shake my legs on stop during record. Honestly, I play kick drum. Someone's so fucking tapping. It's so funny, man. You saying that as you're doing it was so good.

Sorry. Did you do that mean that on her? No, absolutely not. That's so sick. It's gone now. Honestly, I'll play kick drum on both legs all day. Do you play? Do you drum?

No, I should. I'm going to be the best. Yeah, absolutely. I'm doing like three or four different beats at once. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, enjoys me.

There you go. You just answered it. Answer my pants. Yeah. Yeah. Learning to respect other people's personal space. Oh, yeah, they're annoying those kids. You know, they'll put their finger in your face and I'm not touching you.

I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. Guilty. Up in other kids. Really? Yeah. Not touching you.

That seems about right. I don't. I'm not touching you. Well, I had two younger brothers and if ever I laid a finger on them, they'd be like, Mom. And my mom would be like, just come down so hard on me. And I'm like, so then I'd either fucking belt my little brothers. Yeah.

Or I wouldn't touch him. Are you the oldest? I'm middle. So I'm one of five. Ah, okay. Yeah. Yeah, because I'm the oldest in the family. And my little brother would do the exact same thing.

He'd like peck at me. And then I'd wallop him. Yeah. Impressed with Ashes ability to link prior learning. Oh, you know, that's a good, that's a good teacher one. That means nothing. We're just trying to hit a word count, basically. Really?

Yeah, we've got a few of those. I would really look forward to what the prior learning was. Nah, dude. It's just trying to fill in some... Just patting it out. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Oh.

Fill in some gaps here. Honestly, I thought I was going to learn something. Nah. Absolutely. Sorry, dude. Is there any kind of phrase that would be your go-to? Like, for a really good kid that you would dish out as like, this kid is awesome. Oh, man.

Well, that's the thing. I tried to write it like I talk because it seems more genuine, but they'd always, yeah, sanitize it a little bit. But, yeah, I don't know. Call a kid a legend or something like that. And they get... It's so stoked. Like you give a kid that tiny little ruffle of the hair or pat on the back is like that could stick with them forever.

Like you don't know how much that's going to, that that's going to help. And I think that, but that's even as an adult now, any bit of praise of like, hey, really well done. I was at soccer the other day. Yeah. My kid's soccer and he was playing against his other team. There was a really little kid, really little, like looked like he was out of place and he was playing against us.

And I remember he did a good kick right next to me. It went out and he looked at me and I'm like, you'll get him next time, big guy. And he was like, yeah, dude. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Made his holder. And April was like, oh my God, he was so stoked. Yeah.

Just with the, come on, big guy. You know, like. And I was just like, what about me? Shut up. Yeah. There's a, there's a, so math theory that I think applies to this really beautifully. It's like angular error. It's, okay, so if you're shooting an arrow and the target's like 10 meters away,

if you're like one degree off, it won't be that different, right? Like the margin for error's trajectory. and the margin for error is only little. But like over 100 metres, that's, it's like 10 metres, right? And that tiny little thing that you said to that kid could be like the little, that little angle shift. Yeah, yeah, it's like, oh man.

Like, I'm not little, I'm big guy. Yeah. And you would not believe how many, like, things that kids hold onto. We hold onto. There'd be, like you, didn't even realize it until Mr. Cox is like, yeah, no, he probably did. Especially like five years old and being, growing some morality and get me called big guy when you know you're the smallest like oh

swing straight out. I don't care how old you get. Someone calls you big guy. I love it. Yeah, my kid calls me big guy all the time. Oh, really? Yeah. Dude, getting called big guy.

Do you know what? Are you a kid? Yeah, also he does. Don't fat shame me. Also he calls me Ash. Man. That's beautiful. Goals.

Don't care how old you are. I was on the light rail here, right? And I saw Wendell Sailor on the train. I was like, oh man, that's Wendell Sailor. I love him so much. You play for Broncos, right? And then I got off the train, and he could see me looking at him. And we both got off the train at the same time.

And I walked past him and I was like, smile. I said, hey, Del. He goes, you're looking large fella. I was like, oh, put that in my vows, man. Wendell sailor called me big. I was like, oh, man. That's a lot. Man, just chest out the rest of the day.

So with report cards, the most important thing, and I say this all the time, is the achievement marks are the biggest ones, right? They're always bold and big. But I always tell parents to look at the effort and behavior marks. They always give effort and behavior marks. I'm like, just trust me, they're the ones you need. If your kids try and trying their hardest and just being a good kid, you're killing it. Best parents have it.

Don't worry about the achievements. Because the other thing about schooling is it's like we teach one way for one particular style of learning pretty much in the traditional education. But kids don't look so many different. Like you wouldn't learn the way that they teach it. school. I sit down, be quiet, that sort of stuff.

I added that. Yeah, and it's so hard. And there's that great meme or whatever it is as like a monkey, a fish bowl and elephant, all these different animals. And there's a teacher saying, all right,

today we're going to, Mark, how smart you guys are, the test is climb this tree. And that's like, that's exactly the same thing for kids. Yeah. People learn differently.

Like we, as adults now, we always talk about us, I don't really learn that way, but we don't know. We just get told how to learn as kids instead of just trying to work it out, right? Yeah.

Yeah, it's, man, I go on and on about this. But yeah, it's really tricky. I think creativity is really stifled in schools, which is a big one for me. Because, yeah, kids go through school and like it's just, yeah, the creativity is just squashed so much. And then they get into jobs where you've got to think creatively. And it's like, let's think naturally or outside the box. And it's like, well, that got beaten out of me. The systems that we've created within schools doesn't nurture creativity at all.

It's teaching to the tests and no teacher wants to do this at all. Every teacher wants to help every single kid build up all their different skill sets and that sort of stuff. But when you've got to triangulate data and do all this and it's like, we test these kids to within an inch of their life. The love of learning is squash. That's the main thing. It's like you ask any kid when they're young, they're always asking questions. Sorry, they're always like, why is the sky blue? Why's the grass green?

Like they're so inquisitive and they're so like creative. But then it becomes learning becomes something that you've got to get a good mark on a test. which just kills your love of learning. It's like, why don't... Yeah, as a kid, I just hated being told I had to learn instead of creating something. Don't get my mom started on nap plan testing. She's like, she's like, another thing that's wrong with that fucking town.

I went over to your house and she just burst into a conversation about nap plan. I was like, hey. Nah, go off, queen. I agree. You and her and get on, like, I was on. Yeah, well, it's stupid. And there's not one teacher that you'll meet the guy, Oh, it's fantastic.

Yeah. It should be good if it was used the way they intended it. But now we've got, like, there's tests that you can buy from news agencies that's like helping your kid with the Napland tests. It's like, that's not what it's fucking forward, you idiots. It's meant to be like one test that's like, here's your kid at this point. And we can get data from that. But now it's like teaching to tests.

And it's like this whole, it's this huge thing. And kids are terrified of it. Totally. Anyway, just enough pressure as a kid. Not me. I was like, couldn't give a fuck. I know. Yeah.

Well, they're getting away from tests over in the Scandinavian. Navy and all that sort of stuff until they're like 13. Yeah. There's like, because it's not. It's good for the scandos. It's good for me. Man, well, they're the smartest. As I always say, when Dolsey is all grown up.

Yeah. She's no longer living at home. What would be the one thing you want her to remember about the house she grew up in? Oh, dude. That's a beautiful question. Just love and a safe space, a safe space to like be able to talk about anything, like and be open. Not having to hide anything from, from,

mom and dad. Yeah. I think like, yeah. And I think I was pretty blessed with that with mom and dad. That's what you want. Right.

Beautiful. Great answer. Thanks, guys. No, thank you, Ben. We appreciate you coming in

and spending some time with us. Coming all away from Melbourne, it's got a cramp. Oh, Jesus. Dude. Oh, my God. Cramp it up. Podcasting is a tough sport.

Dude. Not for the fan of heart. I've done a hammy. I've been playing kick drum the whole episode. Yeah. He's like, I'm being a great drummer. Ah!

Oliver, I'm done a hammy. Okay. Thank you so much for spending some time with this. I'm trying to get through this, guys. Thanks for having me. I need a rub down. I need a rub down.

Bit culture below. You finished. You got, no, you guys rule. Thanks for having you. Thank you. Thank you so much. And we'll leave a link to Ben's book in the show notes. Thanks so much.

Sick. Yeah. A lot of those terms on report cards were very familiar, Matt. Do you know what I hate, though? Go on. I hate that he was throwing a bit of personality to the report card, and it was getting shut down by the principals. I reckon like, if I, as a parent, and maybe everyone's different,

but if I read, like, Marley is a little legend and she tries so hard and she's just like, big ups to her, I'd be like, fuck yeah. Big ups. That's what I want on Oscar's next report. That's what I want on Oscar's next report card. A big old boy. Miss McNights be like, yeah, boyakasha, me Julie.

That's what we need more of. We need more of that. If Halley G was a teacher, I would enroll immediately. We need more personality, especially when report cards nowadays are just so dry. I know, but the thing is there's teachers like Ben who want to do that sort of thing, and then there's teachers who don't. And unfortunately, the curriculum sounds like it leans towards the people who don't.

So Ben, you keep being you. You keep Benning. Well said. And we'll also put the details for Ben's book in the show notes if you would like to get your hands on that. Absolutely. And if you've enjoyed that episode, please subscribe, review. Suggest any other guests that you want to hear from.

What else? Follow us on social media. Instagram, TikTok, YouTube. Buy your book. Yeah, stuff that guy's book, no. Healthy competition, Matt. This is about then. Buy both books.

Well said. Well said. Let's go. Let's get out of here. Okay, bye. Bye. Two doting dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.