Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #251 Just A Couple Of Cheeky Monkeys

Episode Date: August 11, 2026

This week we’re celebrating Ash’s birthday... with a gorilla-gram, because why not? Matt has become a godfather and now he’s finally got the son he’s always wanted. Naturally, he plans to shower the kid in gifts and a car is apparently not off the table. Ash has been solo parenting while April is away and he’s discovered a genius trick to get the kids out the door. Naturally, it’s already backfired and of course screens are to blame. It’s Open Education Week, which means yet another school event for parents to squeeze into the mental load and Matt would like some sympathy from the mums because he's carrying just as much of it as them. Plus, your best parenting lies thanks to OMO Ultimate Capsules. And if you'd like to join Zach for a walk you can follow him here or buy his new book about becoming a dad here.  While you're at it you can also grab a copy of Ash's new book The Secret Ingredient here.  ______________________________________________________________________________ If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Macy's Kindi on her bag, they attach like a card with some safe people in Macy's life. The card is called My Five Heroes Help Keep Me Safe. Oh, I love that. So it's like obviously that you've got mummy, you've got daddy, you've got grandma, you've got grandpa. Do you help her select these names? No, I had no idea this existed. So you're like, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. No, I saw it.

I saw it and I was like, oh, like, this is that the other day. She got out of that kind of for like two years or whatever. You never seen it. I just saw it. it and then I was like oh this is pretty clever but there's something on here that I want to point out that you should just read just read the names out okay for the list okay here we got number one pole position mummy that's fair number two she's also my pole position oh god daddy oh daddy you like that number three grandma yeah and next one grandma other one yeah who's the other one and number five grandpa

Yeah. But which one? We don't know. And I don't know how that ended up there. Like, another one. Yeah, they were just like,

who's the other one? And I'm like, I was like, we should find out who the other one in his neighbor was like, oh, we better not because someone's going to be offended. So I don't know who it is. That's why you've got to have,

the grandparents have to, like, have an agreement on is it Nan, is it Papa? Is it Granny? Yeah. You can't have crossover. No,

but the thing is that we don't call them grandma, grandpa, grandma anyway. So I don't know who, grandma, other one. Well, congrats on number two. That's very good from you. Thank you. I'm working my way.

It'd be awkward if the other one was ahead of you. Yeah, it was like, number one, the other one. Dad, the other one. Back to two-thadding dads. I am Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good.

It is the bad. And the relatable. And we will not give advice. Although we have been giving a lot of advice lately. It's been slipping. So we may need to rework the intro to this podcast. No, we're just gaslight people. So say we're not going to.

And it's just easier. Yeah. Let's admin. Don't believe a word we say. And we will not talk about kids. Or come. Well, we'll probably talk about kids. I'm going to start this podcast, actually, Ash, and say, what an incredible two minutes we had before recording.

Just an absolute treat. It is, of course, your birthday. Happy birthday. And we celebrated it with a monkey stripper gram. Yes. I did. Like, okay, so I was sitting here, minding my own business, talking to Matt about something. And all of the sudden...

Vic and I have been stressed out, Vic. I don't know about you. I wonder what was going on. And then I hear this, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. And I was like... Didn't even bat an island. At first I just thought, what's Vic up to you? My peripheral is a monkey there and you're like, anyway, so when the kids have been...

What about the state of the economy at the moment? Even the monkey was like, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Am I in the right place? And I was like, Did you think it was me? At first, I thought, what the fuck? She's on a meds. She's had too many meds.

Anyway, I was like, I looked to my lip and I was like, what is this? Why is there a monkey with saggy tits right here? They were a bit saggy, weren't they? The costume needs a bit of work, but the thought that counts. But as well, for a moment, I didn't know what was going. I thought it was some sort of fever dream. It looked like, and we'll put it on socials, but it looked like, imagine a father watching his car being crushed by a machine.

Yeah. Like his pride and joy like a Mustang like being like into a cube. That's what your reaction was like on your face. I didn't know what to, honestly I didn't know what to think. I thought I was in some sort of nightmare slash fever dream. I did say I don't like and I shouldn't have said it. I always say to people, don't show me a weakness because I'll exploit it. And I've just done the complete opposite of that.

When I went to Vic and I called her up and I said, I've got an idea. It's actually's birthday. Good for you for remembering to you. Thank you. Thank you. There's been a lot of nudges from those around me. I was going to tell you to leave it out of the brief for next week and then just see if he remembers.

And then the last thing we do is be like, God, guess what's the day? Vic was like, I don't know if that's a good idea. Like, what happens if he walks out? And I was like, good, great. But then, so Google, singer grams, first company pops up, give him a call.

And they're like, oh, we're busy at the moment. Lots of birthdays. When you need to buy, oh, don't know if we can make Tuesday work. and I was like, how are I'm not going to be? Anyway, come back, they're like, Tuesday's free. And I'm like, amazing. We have a monkey free for you. And I was like, how much is this going to cost?

And I was like, you don't want to fucking know what we paid for that. You don't want to know. Really? We could be in Bali right now. Oh, my goodness. We could, that was. I could have got Dan to dress up as a monkey into a way. I know, I know.

We could have bought a costume, put Dan in it, and we would have made decent money. That was, really? I don't want to shit on this company. And also, she goes to me, great news. It is available. Tuesday, the time slot is free. And just the way this has worked out, we've got an amazing Brazilian dancer who was so talented. She's got to, she can sing, she'll dance. And I was like, okay, this is going to be worth the 400 bucks that we're paying. 400 bucks! I know, I'm sorry. She gave me three unripe bananas. What am I supposed to do with that?

She was not any type of dancer nor singer. She's English. It was a man. No, it was a lady. Yeah, because she said she's and she's a he. And she corrected. No, the monkey is a man. But the monkey, so it's, hang on a sec. It's a woman. In a male.

She's a male. Really in character. Okay, so that was, you know, I think arguably one of the best presents you've ever had. Is that what we're saying? Worth it? I did say when are you going to take your clothes off. And she was like, what? We're like, no, what?

Let's just brush past that. But I do have another present for you. Another, a serious present. Okay. What do we got? And Laura was like, give me like a flashlight. And I was like, I've already done that. We did that. And my father-in-law found it.

Oh, it's wrapped. Mm-hmm. It's not my birthday today. You know that. Beautifully wrapped. Ash, when this comes out, okay, it's going to be your birthday. Just checking.

Get in character. Just checking that you guys are aware of it. All right. Hand it over. Bring it over. I don't get a lot of wrapped presents. I know. Remember to open it now?

Dinosauru wrapping paper. That's great. No. Guys, shut up. Are you serious? I will not. Oh my God, I love it.

So it's a one-two scale of a F-1 helmet. Okay, because of my obsession with Max Vastappen. Very nice. Ooh, I love it. Thank you. Who gave you this idea, April? Me? That's a Maddie J original.

It's this year's. Yes. Oh, guys, thank you so much. Actually, this is the best present, ever gotten me. Thank you. I can't put my dick in this one. Well, I'm sure it'll fit.

It'll fit. It'll scrape the sides. You remember we had that phone call because you're going to go to a F1 race and I was like, who do you support? Oh, that's right. You cheeky bugger. And I was like, oh, I want to feel clue on. Cheeky bugger.

That was me doing some digging to find out who you support. It is, of course, Max Vestappen. And can I just say, F1 merch, bloody hell, that's not cheap. Rory. Cheaper than the dancer you got me, sure. Yeah, me cheaper than the dance. Yeah. I love it. I first looked, stupidly, I looked up, signed merch, Max Vastappen.

Oh, don't do that. Oh my God. Don't do that, sir. We need to get him to sign something because you can get him to sign anything. It sells for thousands of dollars. Yeah, it's not cheap. Yeah, I love that. Thank you very much.

Sincerely, I don't do a lot of sincere thank you. They're usually sarcasm. Thank you. That's the best present that you've ever gotten. I purposely thought I can get him the best present that he's ever had as well as the worst present. He's a very. Yeah, I was like, balance.

You really went all out with the monkey. I was like, far out. But that's got, I love it. Will I ever use that company again? I don't think so. Oh, yeah, probably not. Would the Kelman company?

I did ask for an Austin Powers and they were like, it's a monkey or nothing. And I was like, okay. I'll take the monkey. I do love Austin Powers. I thought, damn it. I do love Austin.

Yeah, next year. A new movie out. There's a new Austin Powers movie coming out. Oh, cool. Yeah, well, it could have been AI, but that's close. That was close. Thank you.

Again, thank you, thank you, thank you. Yeah, speaking of celebrations, we have two things quickly. 250 episodes. Oh, hang on. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but that's a quarter of a thousand. And to celebrate, we've got the monkey! Yeah, we're 250 bananas that are unripe. Victor Sam was like, oh, fuck.

When we get our shopping delivered, they deliver like four times the amount of bananas for some reason. They must think we're monkeys. It's happened to us as well. We've got a double delivery of bananas. They're just padding out your shopping with bananas. But at day, 250. That's great. Good. And then the next thing is we hit 120,000 on Instagram.

That is incredible. It is incredible. Thank you to all the dotas out there, all the loyal listeners and followers of this program. Actually, it was nice when we did an interview you and I yesterday on another podcast called Matt About You, which I think will come out around today or tomorrow. And we talked about how we first met. And we're like, oh, yeah, it's being like 250. And they were like, wow. Yeah.

That's so many. And I was like, it is a lot. It's like 250 hours. More than. Yeah. That's crazy. And also shout out to anyone who's joined us from Day Dot. That is all.

You must be exhausted. Hey, you had my Dan. Vic Dan. My Dan at your house. I know, do you know what? This is a bone I've got to peek with you. I told you. Yes.

Or you've been telling me, get Dan over, get down over to fix this stuff up. And I thought, what's the perfect time to do it? My wife's away. Yeah. She can come back. The things that were really buggerna up will be done. Yeah. I said that.

I approve. Anyway, Dan comes over on Friday to have a look at what needs to be done and do some of it. Were you nervous? How did he go? Yeah,

good. Look, I was a bit self-conscious just because I'm not a tradie, but like, he's so gentle. He is very gentle. He's a gentle lover.

I know, isn't he? You're a lucky lady. He walks in and I'm talking to him and I was like, what does your week look like next week? And he's like, oh, actually just got off the phone to Matt.

I was like, excuse me? Yeah. My exact words were, don't listen to anything. I didn't have fucking idiot once. Okay? Don't listen to that.

Fair. I was like, don't listen to him. He's had a turn. Okay? You're here. And he was like, okay, sweet, sweet, no worries. And then someone calls me by the name of Matt a few hours later. And I was like, you keep your grubby hands off.

We can shit. There's enough Dan to go around for everybody. I know. But you knew I needed him then and you still were like, you know what this? I'll get in there. I'll get in. I would say he might have been, you might have distracted him. I said to Dan, no rush.

whenever you like. And he came running back to me. Oh, shit. He was a little desperate. I'm coming, Maddie. I'm coming. He's arriving tomorrow. And if that,

hey, if that is taken away from you, I apologize, has he finished the job? What's he doing? Yeah, he's done sort of where I wanted to be out. Yeah,

I've just got to do, I've just got to sand and paint. That's fine. I said to him, don't worry about painting or anything like that. Oh, fuck God's sake.

You watch the plaster be there for like two years. I know. I just go in and out of production. You're so close. And he's like, I could paint it right now and finish it. And you're like,

up, but, but, but, but, but, there is one thing about me that is so evident

is that I get so close to finishing something and just don't finish it. Like, and I'm like, I mean, really? I know, I just like, so many things.

Like, I literally got to the end of my apprenticeship and they're like, all right, we just got to go to finish your final thing of tape. Nah. It's like, sir,

four years down the drain. Shut up. I know what I'm doing. I'll tell you what's down the drain. Let's move on with my life. What trade was that? Pain, house painting. Wow.

Yeah. It's like all that time. And then I was like, you know what? I think I got to, they were like, oh, do the final assessment. And I realized that I'm not going to do this after the final assessment. So what's the fucking point? My mom was like, you've got to get the certificate. Shut up.

You don't, unless you're a doctor or a lawyer, you don't need any certificate. Yeah, imagine a painting certificate hanging up in my office at home. I mean, it would go very well. Yeah, doctor. Doctor of paint. Anyway. He's coming tomorrow. He's going to fix the holes in the wall.

The kids, of course, from jumping on the couch too much. Well, hang on, what do you mean? Like, sort of holes? The couch has, like, a little, like, points in the couch where it's the frame. So when they jump on the, like, they run it, they jump on the couch, it then bangs into the wall, and they've just got these big divvets. And Laura's been in my ear being, and I was like, I have a lot of it. Cover it with another couch.

That was the plan. But Dan's coming tomorrow. So, Dan, if you're listening, can't wait to see you. Oh, my God. Get a room. Hey, can I give a little shout out to Trentos, the Fresh Maker. Oh, yeah. He's a very funny man on social media.

And you actually introduced him to me. And if there was one thing that I didn't expect, it was a man using our little spaghetti muffin recipe hack that we did with Jules the other week. And all of a sudden the video pops up on my feed and it's Trentos. And he's like, I watched Ash and Matt cooking spaghetti muffins. And here's my version. Yeah, so you don't have to be a child to enjoy it. You know what I mean?

Yeah, a lot of tough critics in the comments. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's on them because they have made the original spaghetti. So it's like, really, you can't shit shit on people for that recipe because really, you made the original. We're just putting it together. Right.

Yeah, it's, you're attacking yourself. Be better at making pasta. By you attacking that recipe, you're standing in the mirror and you're essentially like spitting on yourself in the mirror. Yeah. Thank you. Be a better cook. What were they saying in the comments?

They were just like, what is this? Yeah. What is? Actually, a few people were like, the Italians were mad. And I'm sure they will be. Get over it. I mean, treating pasta like that.

I think it was chopping up the pasta, the Italians didn't like that. They don't like that. I did come for the nonners previously. I've now come back. Me and the Italians, we need to make up. You're not getting on.

We're not getting on at the moment. People love to just have a whinge about it. It's literally how to not waste food. Okay, how to not waste food, how to get a second life out of food? Let's find something to hate on it. Ash, I don't know if you saw my stories the other day.

There was a dad. He had organized a dad walk in Melbourne. and unfortunately it pains me to say this but no one attended at all who's by himself no one turned up to my dad's walking group this morning but that doesn't matter you know the like the horror story of a birthday party when no one comes oh yeah it was like that oh and he was like it was heartbreaking me watching this dad walking by himself it was like a kid in a playground for their birthday with absolutely no one around it broke my heart. That's ballsy to post that too. I know. And people were like, they were loving him,

loving that he was trying to do something great and also being like, how can we support this? So he does a walk every Sunday, but I thought we'd call him really quickly. So we can put the details out there. Sure. And we can make sure that the next walk that he does, he'll be getting mobbed. In a good way. Mobbed and mugged. Yeah. So I'm going to call Zachary. Hello, Zach speaking. Hello, Zach, it's Maddie J here with Ash. Hey, Zach.

Hey, how you doing? Good, how are you? Yeah, I'm great, thanks. That's good. Can I ask, Zach? I just spoke to Ash about Sunday just gone. How are you feeling post-walk? I felt good regardless.

It wasn't like my spirits were broken or anything like that. I had kind of promoted on my Instagram a couple of times about it. So the main reason, I guess, for making the video was just to, let people know. No one turned up, but it was still a great morning and I'll still be back to do it again because I had had a bit of a misfire six months earlier where the same thing happened, but then the next week there was a few people and a few more and it was actually really successful. So I was prepared for that to be the case again. I love your attitude because for me, my biggest fear is organising anything when no one turns up. Even if I'm like going to dinner,

Going to dinner with a mate if they're five minutes late. I'm like, ah, it's too stressful. I remember we had to do the book signing. You're like, what if no one comes? I was like, oh, God, shut up. But you've taken this in such a great way. And we wanted to put the word out there for anyone who is in Melbourne. If they want to join you on a dad walk, where should they go?

The Abbotsford Convent Car park of a Sunday morning at 8.30 is where I'll be. I'm thinking fortnightly just to, I don't know, give myself a chance to. sleep in maybe. Not that that really does happen. You can always dream. Yeah, but fortnightly, that's where we'll meet. And there's just a few beautiful tracks there along the Yarra. And there's no better start for the day.

How good. How far were you walk? In case people are like, well, what am I, am I going to be hiking for six hours? No, absolutely not. It's nice flat terrain that will stay on. And it's probably like a half hour wander more than any. thing. Nice.

Usually a bit of bonding at the start. I mean, depending on how many turn up, we usually did a little activity just to say a highlight of our parenting life that week and then highlight away from parenting just to try to remember where humans outside of just being dads, I suppose, too. And that was a good way to kick things off and usually set the tone. And then, yeah, just a little wander for half hour or so. That is like the nicest best thing I've ever heard. That is like, are you like, are you some kind of angel?

Who are you? Absolutely not. And don't do any reference checks. Can I ask before you go, what has been your highlight of the week so far as a dad? Wow, it's an easy one. We did sleep school a couple of weeks ago, a very kind of light version of that. And then our boy slept for 10 and a half hours two nights ago. Oh, strange.

It'd never done above six before that. And last night was horrendous, but we did strike gold there for one night. How good. Oh, that's such a good feeling. People who don't have kids will never understand that feeling. I did think you might have said the podcast. That's the second best.

Matt's like, put me in front of your children. I'm not thinking straight. Yeah, I would have answered that. Had I got 10 hours sleep last night, I would have said the Toddcard. I love that. I know you've written a book as well. So we'll include in the show notes the details of your book as well, which is called

Becoming Dad. I wrote it about the first 50 days in real time. So I ride a real roller coaster of emotions through those 50 days. And I think there'll be things in there that every other parents, not just dads, will relate to. But hopefully it will be a little peek behind the curtain of parenting life or dad life for someone who's about to have that journey. You're really putting us to shame.

What you're doing is amazing. Good luck on the next walk. We'll also include the details on our socials as well. So we are expecting big numbers. Oh, God, I took pressure on him. Yeah, it'd be great to see. I'm hoping Melbourne's weather doesn't let us down, which is always a factor. I'm sure it will.

And honestly, if you ever in Sydney, we'd love to walk with you as well. Amazing. Yeah, thanks, heaps. Legend. Thanks, thanks, see, mate. I've got an excellent. exciting announcement to make. Very exciting announcement.

No. No, no, no kid. Although there was a child born. So Melanenzo, Melanenzo. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For anyone who may not know the story, I met them in the park. I want to say five years ago. Okay.

Five years ago, Bronte Park. And I can't remember, I think they were just. In the middle of the night, wasn't it? There he is. There he is very good. He's back. And I think we saw him at the park and then we had Lola was born and they were thinking about a second. I think Mel was already pregnant.

And so they were kind of looking at us being like, how are you guys finding two kids? And then we just kept seeing them at the park. And then from there, a beautiful friendship was born. Love that. Although one thing that annoys me, it was right before Laura and I got married. And we started hanging out with them more and more. And we were like, numbers for the wedding. They're locked down.

You know, do we, is it too premature to extend an invite to these park people that we've met? I think. No, it's a good. You're more than park people. You are now. But at the time, they would have been just park people. Lorda was like, let's invite them. And I was like, that's coming on way too sure.

Imagine just, you know, bumping in and then weeks later being like, do you want to come to our wedding? Oh, yeah. Too much. Did you have anyone pull out that you could, like, put them in, like in that spot? We had that. We could have, we could have, you know, could have made the numbers up. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, like I remember when we were getting married and like someone pulled out the last minute.

I can't remember what the circumstances were. My dad's like one of their friends who I was also friends with. They're like, they're in town. They're at a funeral. So they went to a funeral and then came to my wedding. But then I also thought you don't want to get the call up last minute and be like, hey, you're around two weeks because the wedding is happening and we'd love you to come. You'd be like, I'm just a seat filler.

Yeah. Oh, I'm happy to fill a seat. I'm not. I want the original like. Oh, God. I want to be on the, like the OG invite list. I'll be number one on the list or I'm not. coming.

Oh, nothing. So I said don't do it. Anyway, it turns out we're now very good friends. We always look back. And now it's awkward. And they've just had a baby. Their third baby. Is that a third?

Marlowe was born. That's right. And Marlow, beautiful boy. And I am his godfather. Just to the one. Yeah. Okay, so if something happened... Whoa, do you know, Jesus.

No, no, no, no. You're a hard man to please. No one of a man. I meant just what happens if something... God, for me. forbid. Yes. Something happens.

To the other children? No, no, I mean. Not my problem. To the parents. And then they're like, okay, well, who's the godfather? Well, they've all got different godparents. Yeah, I'll take Malo. Split them up.

Is that how it works? Well, I always thought if you're a god parent, the rule was, okay, you've got the kid if something happens to us. It's not really the case. Isn't it? It's changed. Back in the day, it used to be a god mother or father was appointed to try and be that religious connection for that child.

You're not religious. Well said. So now the kind of the term that people are using is guard parent. You're a guard father. Stay back! People lame. They lame everything up, don't they? I prefer a godfather because I feel like a mobster.

Like a gangster. Yeah, it gives you a bit like... I'm the guard father. What? Yeah, it's a bit... It doesn't roll off the tongue. It's not just... Oh, God.

So what... Okay, hang on. Why did they change the name because of... I think people... I don't know, people that just... giving it like a modern day version. But I like Godfather. I do like Godfather.

I do like too, yeah. I'm now a Godfather. But just remember, treat me. Absolutely. Please, round of applause. Treat me the same. You're going to, no, you're not. Yeah, I was going to wear a suit today. A sash.

Well, I was in tears. Oh, of course you were. You cry. Oh, fuck off, Vic. I love it about you. I can hold it together. No, you can't. There's always like, hey, you want to be the godfather.

You're like, oh my God. I wasn't prepared. I was in complete shock. And then I was also, I was wondering, is that, like, was it, was it an invite to me and Laura? And then they were like, have a photo with your... Get out, Laura. It was, it is me. Just you.

Just me. So you'll be a single dad at some point if something, God forbid, happens. It'd be, this is my family, but I'm also a single dad to this child. Tamalo. Yeah. Tell Molly. Will you treat Marlowe any differently to your other kids? You've got a boy.

I've got a boy. I told Marley and Lola. I was like, I'm a godparent now. And they were like, what? I don't want another child in the family. I was like,

too fucking bad. Too bad. Don't live here yet. But I said to them, what can I, like, what's my role here? And they're like,

well, just, you know, like you can get him drunk underage, that kind of thing. Yeah, all the fun stuff. Yeah.

You're like an uncle. I did wonder, what should I get him now as a present, like a legacy piece. Aw. A lock of your hair. Okay. A vial of semen.

I did. I thought it would be nice, maybe like a hand-carved toy or something. Okay. You're going to hand-carve a toy. Not me. Oh, okay, right. No, I'm going to outsource it. Like something that's a, you know, when he's an adult, he can look back and go,

oh, this is what my godfather gave me. I don't think it's that important to a lot of people. Maybe a watch. Maybe a compass. Maybe a compass. He can find his way. You're romanticizing this. She can find his way.

I think once that kid grows up and someone's like, who's your godfather? He's like, I don't know. And not me? No. Not me. I'm going to be there every step of the way. When you graduate school. Don't forget who you are and where you came from.

Not from me. I was just in the background. I was a friend of your dad's. This is a big responsibility and it's one that I'm not going to stuff out. I can tell. I can honestly tell. I'm going to buy him a car. So you've got a Marley and a Marlowe.

Marlowe. Yeah. The boy version. Oh, imagine if you're out in the park, you're like, Marley and Marlowe. Where's Merlo? And Cab Sal? There's a lot of lolls.

Marley, Marlo, Lola. Yeah. Cabsa, where's Chardonnay? Shout out to Marlowe. Yes. And if anyone has any great ideas for what you can, like a legacy present. Get in the Godfather box set and be like,

when you're old enough, you'll understand what my role really is. Anyone besides Ash, I'd love your ideas. I think that's good stuff. It's not. I wanted to get him like a nice watch maybe. But then he can't wear it till he's older. Get him the monkey that you gave me.

Oh, my God. Watchers will be obsolete by the time he's older, I reckon. Oh, that's a big call. Great. Use of the word obsolete, by the way. We don't normally use big words like this on the podcast. Can you dumb it down for us please? What does that mean? They will not exist.

Oh, I just need to quickly give an update on Buster because... Oh yeah, shit. Last week he had a twisted tummy. Did you get a cone? He had the cone, had the cone, but he's a big boy. The lamp. And the cone is fucking enormous. He's like walking on the hallway and knocking photo frames off the wall.

Poppy's like, oh my God. They just look like lamps with legs. I've got another option for him because he has a, you know, he got his whole stomach cut open to untwist the stomach. And we have a new option for him, which he just looks adorable wearing this. So this is to replace the cone. Hasn't this dog been through it? enough. Apparently not.

Oh, is it, has that got buttons? Like a, oh, it's a Velcro. It's Velcro. It's like a baby onesie. It's a onesie. So he wears that to avoid him wanting to like lick his stitches. You're like, we'll get it camouflage so people can't tell you wearing it. Look at it. It's good. Oh, it's got like a little bum flap.

Oh, my God, the poor thing. We'll put this on social so you guys can see it. But it's, uh, Laura Borden. She was like, it's great and Buster absolutely hates it when he sees it coming towards him he's like I don't want to wear it yeah my dog like you cannot dress my dog up hates it but you see dogs out especially in winter and they've got like a little coat on you like oh that looks nice I want to do that but my dog you put a coat on my dog and it's like well the hard thing about putting something on them is that he went out for a wee and I looked at him just as he kind of went into his pee-squat and I was like he's still wearing the onesies so you peed through the onesie poor guy is there not a whole whole guy is it not a whole

for the... There's not a hole for the cock. No. Because varying sizes. So you've got to undo the flaps, fold it up, and then when he finishes the way, he fold it, make down, put it back up. Oh, my God.

But yeah, so you're doing really well, I think not out of the woods, not out of the woods yet. Is that what they say? How long is the recovery, they say? The only thing about these conditions is that when they untwist, there's a really good chance

that it will re-twist. So we're just, every time he eats something, we're like, oh. Hold your breath. Literally. So he's doing well. Is he poop yet? Oh, yeah.

In the house? Plenty of 50. No, yeah. Breaking news. Vic, what do you got? This one that came across my desk I saw and I thought this would be every parent's worst nightmare. Two Melbourne kindergarten children have been caught on CCTV, skipping down a busy road

after escaping from childcare through a hole in the fence. The four and five-year-olds ran over a kilometre home together to watch K-pop demon hunters. The children were found safe and unharmed, but the frightening incident has sparked an investigation into how the escape happened. That is absolutely brilliant. Crafty buggers, aren't they? Look at this. Oh, there's video.

The vision of them skipping the other. Oh, they're so happy. They're blurry faces. There's one woman who looks absolutely appalled. The old lady? The old lady. She's like, that ain't right. Oh yeah, good for her.

One kilometre though. That's scary. My kids won't even walk down the hallway without being like, my feet hurt. And how many roads did they have to cross? They must have really wanted K-pop demon hunters. Also as well, like the road. say like the sense of not being hit by a car these kids, it's great. My kids would get hit by a car immediately.

Yeah. It would have been a scary. No, it is funny because that's just like, come on, guy. Like yesterday I will go going down to the car. Okay, April's away. We'll talk about that in the minute. And I was like, oh, I forgot something. I'm like, cars in the garage.

I'm like, go and stand by the car and a garage. I'm just going to run up. And Oscar Mustner heard me and I've gone up to get something from the house and come back down. He's at the bottom of the stairs. And he was like, where did you go? I've been in my three cars I'm like bro you're still within the property just chill out

like just really I'm like seriously and then I was like look if that's the case and you think I don't know with dad just go to the front door okay go to the front door but it's like Oscar was at Kendi or at school and someone was like we should escape he'd be like oh mm-mm not for me out there

you don't know what's out there and it's like that's so true these kids don't know that's probably the reason why they go home safely they don't know what's out there that just gone about their day I mean, there's only one place those kids are going to end up. They're going to end up in jail, right?

Well, they're going to get out, but it sounds like. I mean, how do you explain that? You know, when you get a message from daycare and it's like, oh, we've, you know, they had a little accident. The kid's gone. We've lost Timmy and Susan. Yeah, I know. He's here watching K-pop demon hunters.

Like, I already know. I could have texted you and told you they're missing. Anyway, look. That's great. Good brazen behavior. Brazen. But yeah, like I get like the investigator. Like how did they get out?

Like, there was a hole in the fence and they managed to like figure out how to maneuver it out. They'll start turning and I see. I always just say to my kids, if you leave, you're gone. Like what do you like, if you go, like, there's no food out there. There's no food out there.

Or I'm just like, you know, and most of the time that'll scare them and like that. Like run away. See what happens. Do your kids ever run away? There has been one time where Marley tried to set up a lemonade store at the front of the house.

And we didn't know that. And we'll just like, where hell is she? And she, like, set up like these cups. And we're like, Jesus, what are you doing? That's outside. Do you know what? You know our garage has like a flat top that you can stand on? Lola loves to go up there.

And I'm always like, oh. I love it up there. Thank you. Sometimes when you're not at home, I'll just go and stand up there. And she ran back in the house one morning. And she was, like, really distraught. And I said, what's like, what's happened? This is in the morning before school.

And she goes, the builders yelled at me. And I was like, oh, well. What do you mean? And they're building across the road. They look over. She's there skipping around on top of the garage. And they were all like, oh, you shouldn't be there. Scared for her safety.

And they were yelling out at her. And I was like, oh, that's doing the parenting for you. Yeah. Thanks, guys. You don't want to give her breakfast as well? Don't you yell at my kids. And Lola was like, they were yelling at me. And I was like, no, no, they were just making sure you're okay.

And she was like, but that was so mean. So all that big, buildy builders. But I was like, Thanks, boys. Keeping kids safe and building at the same time. Now, I mentioned April was away on that one over here. How are you doing? You look like...

I'm dishevelled. No, you don't look it. You're looking well, considering, you know, you're on your own out there. Oh, I know, yeah. So far, so good. She's having a good... She's on a well-earned and well-deserved break. Just have a...

Unwined. Unwined. She's having a good time. I don't know if she would come home. She's having that good of a time. But, like, all good. Can't tell if you're joking or not. Well, she's on a tropical island.

I wouldn't want to come home either. She sent you a photo before of just like... She's at Mushroom Beach. And it's like, for fuck sake. The water looked beautiful. I sent her a photo back of you. Hey. She was just like, okay, thanks.

All right. See you. Okay. Any photos of the kids? Is there a dislike button? But all good. It's just that logistical being one parent with two kids and I'm not very good at planning out a whole like okay i got a drop here drop there the whole logistics of i feel like i'm

ahead then i'm behind i'm ahead behind i don't feel confident in my my morning plan whatsoever what do you like what do you mean like getting i'm like actually i think i've come up with something that's actually really helped me on my ipad i've got a countdown timer yep okay and i put it up on the big bench so everyone can see it and i'm like this it's counting down from an hour and five and we've got to leave. This is what needs to be done by all of us, not just you before we let. And that seems to work.

Because that's genius because kids have no concept of a minute or, you know, they don't know. I'm always like, we've got to be at the door by 8.30. And they're like, the only problem I've come across. I've snagged a problem along the way with this plan,

which I think's genius. It's a screen. And what do kids want to do? They want to fucking watch it. Yeah. So instead of doing things, they're just watching the screen countdown. And I'm like,

giving them a screen, in visual sight is like having a crack pipe loaded up with drugs. Just out of reach. And place on the coffee table next to a lighter for a drug addict. And say, don't touch. Yep. They're like, I'm like, you know, you've got it. The things I said, I just want to.

I just want to touch it. I won't watch anything. I just want to hold the pad. I know. Yeah, exactly right. And then I'm like, okay, sweet. Fine. Like the last two mornings have been great.

So I got one more morning, which is the tomorrow morning is the most hectic because I've got to be out earlier. So we'll see how that goes. But she's having a great time and we miss her and we need her back. So come back, please. And don't ever leave us ever again. Has she been flaunting her holiday? Is she being?

She's been pretty good. Because when Laura's away, she's like, ah, we haven't did dinner last night. It was terrible and the weather's not been good. This is what I'm receiving. Okay, what do you got? Okay.

I am receiving images like this. Keeping in mind my wife's profile is private on Instagram. Okay. You've got to open that right up. Nah. Let the people see her. She's sending me images and, like, Like, this is what it.

Which one's better? And I thought my response here was genius because I didn't want able to be like, okay, here's two photos of me, which one's better? And we all know what's going to happen if I pick one. She's going to say, what's wrong with the other one? Sure. When there's nothing wrong with it. So.

I wouldn't have thought that. Well, you don't know my wife. Okay. So she sent me like this, right? Okay. She sent me. Oh, I don't know if I should be looking at these. Oh, she's in the bikini at the beach.

Oh. It's on her Instagram. It's on our Instagram anyway. I'm looking at a bottom. Nice. Don't zoom in, you creep. Anyway, so you said, and read my response. Read my response.

This is actually, for all the husbands out there listening, this is genius. I would go that one. Okay, yeah, all right. You picked the one that you would want in your head. Was that the first one? Yes. Okay. Now go to the response.

You say, first one, better balance of everything in the photo. You look great in both. X, X, X, X. Lovely reply. See what I did there? I gave the answer to the one I wondered. but for completely different reasons that didn't have anything to do with her

because she looks great in both. So she didn't have the opportunity to come back and say, well, why did you pick that one? Because quite frankly, I don't care for that. Anyway, she continues to send me photos like that. Which one should I... Because the second one, there's also like a random guy

who's quite close, which I don't like. Excuse me? Not to alarm you, but there's just a couple of men. I hope he's got money. Jesus. I always say to it, if you're going to have an affair, make sure he's got money. That is so romantic

She's got to do it for a reason Jesus I want to benefit somehow I guess Anyway I'm sorry she's back Remember honey Like a Russian oligarch

With lots of money If it's gonna happen Yeah Like make it worthwhile Absolutely I love that Such a supportive husband Thank you

Thank you Thank you Anyway so we're doing good We're getting there in the end So Well done What's going with you Speaking of screens

I don't know If you've ever had this problem but my kids know my password. Oh, God. And it's one of the most annoying parts of parenting is when your kids understand your password and have access to your phone. Mine keep telling people.

I don't know. My dad's passcode is like, I've got to change it again. Yay. And changing is so annoying. Whenever I leave my phone on a table somewhere, I look away, look back, and they're on it watching something.

And I'm like, fuck. Sometimes they're on TikTok. And they're like, what is this dad? I'm like, oh, you, what's your algorithm doing? You put that down. And so I've changed my passcode, but then I keep forgetting that I've changed my passcode. So then I get my phone.

Muscle memory. And I get it wrong. Get it wrong. I've been locked out of my phone for half an hour. Is that why you're not answering my calls? That, yes, exactly. I want to speak to you, Ash. I really do, but my phone's locked me out.

Fair, totally fair. You get it wrong. It's five minutes. Get it wrong again. It's 15 minutes. Wow. Again, it's half an hour. It's, and I'm like, remember, remember, this is the pass code.

and I pick my phone up and just go, doda, doda, get it wrong again. It's muscle memory. Oscar keeps telling people mine, but I'm not changing it because I... What's yours?

I'm not telling you. Ask Oscar, he'll do you. Yeah, he's got a written down. He's like, I'll tell you what. Interesting fact about me, my dad's past go,

who's this. Anyway, painful. Ash, I would like to acknowledge a very important day. Today, it is, of course, education day.

Or education week. Is it a week, Vic? It's a day or week? What are we? I think it's a different day for each school. Ours is tomorrow. Every day. It's every day's an education day.

It's a fucking school. Well said. Right. And I just think we've got enough on our plate right now. There's a lot going on. And I feel like dads are lucky in a sense that the bar is low. Okay. And you don't have to do much to receive a round of applause.

But sometimes I've noticed. I don't know if this is just me. And I'm being sensitive here. I will say that. I know I'm being sensitive. But sometimes other parents will laugh at me when I'm like, oh, it's just been a bit stressful. And why are you stressed?

You're the dad. And I'm like, my mental load, bro. I've got lots going on. And they're like, you don't have to make the lunches. You don't have to worry. And I'm like, that's exactly what I do. I just did it this morning. I think dads get forgotten about because in some cases, they take on the mental load.

And I've got no one to winch to because they're like, well, you don't do it. And I'm like, but I do. I do. I do. You don't understand. But it's me. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, I'm struggling like you. Like, let me struggle with you moms.

And they're like, no, no, no, no, you've got it easy. Yeah, you're a dad. Get over there and talk to the dads. And I'm like, they don't want to talk to me. No, exactly. Because they're like, they don't do the lunches. No, we have nothing in common. But this.

The mom saying it or the dad saying it? No, the mums. I try and like, bro down with the mums. And they're like, get out of here. Why are you stressed out? Yeah. And I'm like, because there's a lot going on right now. And they're like, what are you doing?

And I'm like, just as much as you guys. Just as Jim, we're just doing all the things. I'm like you. I'm one of you. I know, I did three loads of washing this morning. I hang them all up. I did the lunches. I'm doing it too. Yeah, safe was away, but I would do it anyway.

We've just had 100 days. I've done that outfit. We've got now Education Day. I've also got Book Week coming up next week. Marley just started netball. Lola has to do dance. I haven't enrolled her in a lesson. Also, Poppy needs new bottles.

She needs new formula. I fucking forgot to get nappies as well. I'm like, I'm as stressed as you guys. And they're like, no, you're not. Also, the card for gymnastics. Also, gymnastics. Marley needs a new leotard. And they're going to spin that fucking wheel!

Oh, my, I just, my plate is, and bust his bloody had surgery. No, they don't, yeah. All that could be happening in a family's life, but you're, you should be stress-free because it's not on you. But it is. Let me struggle with you.

You're not, like, not to cause any offense, but like, you're not getting up at six o'clock to go and work on a job side or whatever. and then coming back, you're like, you're getting up, you're doing the breakfast. Like, Macy ate two bites of two different things for breakfast this morning. And it wasn't April that I had to get it for it was me. It was like I was doing that sort of thing as well, which I would usually do. But like I get like from generations and generations of people of dad's not actually doing any.

I think it's like the thought that this generation of dad is still like that generation of dad. So obviously that mom might have received her dad might have been at as present. and her mum might have winged about it. What triggered me was we had for Education Day, Marley was doing her dance performance that she's been learning all year. Today?

And it was this morning. It was a great performance. Actually, the bloody teacher accidentally pressed stop on the music halfway through the performance. And so the kids were all like, it's like when you're watching it like a live show and they're like,

get the audience to sing the chorus bit, they're like, ah! The kids were like, so they froze. And then I think the teacher was scrolling on their phone. Yeah, see, that's, the problem with iPhones, that would never have happened to like a cassette player.

Yes, as a former dancer. Bring back the cassettes. And then she goes, fumbles her phone, presses play again. And then the kids couldn't quite pick it up. It was tough conditions out there for the kids. It really was. But to one of the moms, I was like, I was just checking, are the kids arriving to school in their dance uniform,

which is like, you know, it's sparkly leotard? And she was like, oh, classic dad doesn't know what's going on. And I'm like, there's a lot of my plate right now. That's a pretty, like, an okay question. Please help me. I need help. She was like, uh, that's a,

like, I think that's a valid question. I know. I was like, I ask silly questions all the time. I know. It's not silly. It's like, okay,

there's rules around these things, right? Like a ballet, for example, Mace has got ballet shoes, but she can't wear the ballet shoes to ballet because they're damaged. They're damaged. That's a,

like, I was like, put your ballet shoes and Macy was like, no. Like, what? I was like, don't talk to me. like that she's like no you're not understanding it's not that yeah she's like it's not that I don't want to I really want to as well it's not up to me they're the rules I was like what rules

so I get it that's like I would be the same but I do I know the teachers they put a lot of effort into the education day we start off by being in the classroom which is it's really lovely. Like Marley and Lola were both so pumped to be like, and this is what I write in my English book and Lola was like, this is my colouring in and they're just proud as punch really, really nice. And God, my heart breaks for those kids

that didn't have a parent rock up. Oh, yeah. I was like, listen here, Billy, what did you write in your book? And Lola was like, focus on me. Yeah, yeah. Fuck him. What are you talking that loser for? I remember going to one, it was an Oscars a new one

but I am such, believe it not, I'm an empath. When it comes to kids like that, that really hurts my feelings. No, he is. And I was like, and I'm like, I just sit down next to another kid, like, show me what you got. Show us what you got. I'm like, that's awesome.

And it's like, did you swear with them? Yeah, like, fucking give me that. But like, yeah, it's, people have to work. That's lovely. It's so, it's, I don't like that they do those sort of days where it's like, there's going to be parents that have to work, like, especially cost of living. and stuff like that. I know.

Everyone just like throws cost of living out there for whatever. Cost of living. I'm tired. Cost of living. Why were you speeding? Cost of living. Carried out. Well, okay.

I tell you what physics is. If I go faster, then I can roll further. And it's cheaper. But like, yeah, it's like in the middle of the day. I remember being at an assembly once

and this kid was getting an award and his dad, he turned up right when it was going to happen. Happened soar it. He was proud as punch. And then he was like, I've got to run. Can you get a photo of this? I was like, yeah, dude, go for sure, because I felt for him because I don't have to do that.

Oh, God. But, like, also, like, I just felt like, that sucks. It's really hard for the parent and the kid. Like, the kid wants you there so badly, but you want to be there. Yeah. That was actually one of the reasons I changed, like, my whole career around because, like, I wanted to be available for, like, school events and stuff. Yeah.

But I talked to my friends and, like, they suffer because they have normal jobs where you can't just leave to go to an assembly or a school day. and they sprung their school day on like a week ago. I know the school's like, surprise, motherfucker. I know. It's open day tomorrow. I reckon they do that on purpose. Yeah, it's really hard for parents at the moment.

They should put all those things, I reckon. Like they put all like, they're like, okay, well, over the course of the year, your kids getting recognised for this, getting recognised for that. There's going to be a day close to the end of the day. One day for all of those things for you to come in and to the classroom where your child will be recognized and you can celebrate at the time. with them for those things that they've done over the year, not spread them out and spring them on you or two days before.

I'm a spread up. I reckon spread. No, but I think. Don't bottleneck it, Ash. Well, I think bottleneck it because then you can reduce the amount of your life that you're missing out on. It's one day. They need something to keep them engaged throughout the year.

Other way to do that, do you do that? Keep who engaged? The kids, but there was. Give us notice always. I'm sure they did. I just didn't read the news later. No, I like, honestly. Honestly, we were all sprung with it.

And we're like, Yeah, I'm on the way to school. I was wondering. I was like, oh, I need a paint shirt. I was like, two questions. What the fuck is a paint shirt? You've got a shirt on. Give one of your painting shirts. It was too late. Like a smock. What's a smock? That should be a new school bag at all times. Do you have a smock in your, don't look at me like, this is the lunchbox all over again. Of course I do. I have two smocks and a paint set and an easel. Never leaves home without it. Oh my God. And one of those little hat.

And a beret. And a beret. You even know the name of it? And a paint palette. Oh, God. Okay. All right. Moving on.

There was one family. I've been through, it's my second education day. So I know. You're a veteran. I'm a veteran. I've been here before. I'm like,

shrap on that, art. You should have seen last year's mom, though, much fucking better than this. Dribble. So there was another family in the kind of year, because I was with Lola at the second end of the classroom session. But there's one dad and the mom, they're both like,

she's, we've got assembly now, okay. This will go for 15 minutes, right? Because the kids, kind of kids are singing a song. And because I like, we've got meetings. And I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It is not 15 minutes. You were very mistaken.

The old Wiley Fox in the corner. Let me tell you how this is. I've been here since last year. But it's still not finished. And I was like, you'd think, you'd think they'd start with the kind of kids in the song. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's at the end. Yeah.

I know how long does assembly go for like 15 minutes? And I was like, 15 minutes. So naive. So young. So foolish. We will be 45 minutes. We will have to sit through everyone from the recorder quartet,

the dance troops. We have no offense to anyone who was in this band. We have the parent band. They came on and I'm like, no one is fucking here to watch the parents on stage. And they were like, how's everyone doing? I'm like, just play the fucking song. All right. Yeah, what do they play?

It was a good song. It was cold play. Which one? Fix you. I can't remember. That's crying. I was like, wrap it up. Come on.

And they did the kindi song. And also I had to race back here because we had the singing gorilla. The kindi kids sang their song. And then they were like, brilliant. And I was like, all right. And they're like, let's do it again. Encore, encore! The kids were like, yeah, and I was like,

the parent band are like, they didn't ask Oscar doing it on encore. Fuck. I was like, for God's sake, it was a lot. But as I left and I look at the smile and my child, I'm like, it's all worth it. Did she have a meltdown because you left? Yes. See, that's another thing.

So I was like, okay, sorry. Oscar sometimes will be like, he does like the welcome to country and stuff like that, but he won't want us there. My niece was in the choir. And I was like, Millie! She was like, all right, I'm done. I'm done with this.

Oh, God, my uncle's so lame. I was the hype girl for the dance. Nice. I was like, woo-hoo. And everyone was like, he's been here before. She goes here. How do you get part of the parent band? And like, is it like,

just one last shot at this music thing? They were having a great time. Ash, this segment of parental lies, Dirty Dad's edition. Get your mind out of the gutter. Talking about laundry. It's brought to you by Omo Capsules. When Life gives you laundry,

Keep up with capsules. Tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lie. Tell me lies. I'll go first. Please. Now we did reach out to listeners for lies, as we do, and they always provide.

So this one is from Rachel. My parents told me, and had their hairdresser, confirm the lie for them, that if I cut my long hair into a bob, I'd have a sore neck and a headache until it grew back. Why? I was like eight at the time and I was well into my mid-20s before I discovered this was bullshit and finally got my long bulb. If you were clever as a child, you know that removing the hair would actually be better for your neck. More hair, more weight, more pain. Yeah. Bob is actually Bob's a good thing. Why were they so against the bulb? I think it's because I think kids are so into their hair and obviously hair grows very slowly ash i'm a medical expert here so once you cut a bob

like there's no turning back like that is it well yeah it comes back but it just takes longer right but yeah but kids are little impatient buggers yeah that's true and so you know you're gonna be dealing with it's when lola asked for a bob we had to do like a four phase of like not the first time not the second time not the third time but the fourth time that she asked we're like okay she definitely wants the bob okay right full commitment from lola you need yeah you want to make sure that they know what they're getting themselves into. Okay. I love it when a parent gets like a third party in on the lie.

Oh, yeah. What do you got? This one is from Samantha. She says, When I used to sleep at my grandparents' house, they were very firm that I had to be in bed by eight o'clock. That's actually, that's generous. Depends on the age.

Yeah, I was 18 at the time. My Nana would instill so much fear into me to go to sleep with this dreadful nursery rhyme that I still fear today. It goes, We willie winky running through the town upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown, peeping through the windows, crying through the locks. Are all the children in their bed, it's past eight o'clock? Creepy, right? That is creepy.

Who came up with that? It would get close to bedtime and she would say to me, quickly, we willie winky is coming to check your own bed. I can hear him outside the window. I would hide under the covers and although shit scared, it would in fact work and get me to be quiet in bed and eventually sleep like a nana so nana would lie about this guy coming quick there's a pedophile coming yeah literally go to bed there's a predator coming go to bed he'll get you i can't help you're on your own thanks nana for a lifetime of trauma of open blinds and the clock striking eight oh the poor thing just like i don't want to attack the other

generations because they were just doing their best as well, like we all are. Yeah. A little bit traumatic. That is. I think we'd say the lie before thinking about the consequences down the line. I mean, I wonder if like the next generation of kids, our kids when they grow up and host the podcast, they'll be telling our lies being like, could you, like, they used to say the park was closed.

Oh, like those bloody assholes. That holds something wrong with that generation. Yeah. I would never. And then they have kids and they're like. like, I'm a lie to him. It's the cycle, the cycle of life. The circle of life.

That song from the Lion King is actually about lying. The lying king. Derry! Oh my God, all these years! Wow. There we go. All right, I got another one from Tessa. I have a two-year-old who likes to wander off.

We live on acreage with bushland around us. Now, my two-year-old has decided he wants to wander off a little too far. He doesn't look back. Doesn't say goodbye, just off on a solo adventure. He doesn't listen when we tell him not to do that. Surprise, surprise, surprise. In brackets. So I've told him there is a tiger who lives in the bush that...

There's a deadly animal. Oh my God. There's a tiger who lives in the bush that might get him if he wanders off. When I see him take off down the drive, I say, uh-oh. There it is. Tiger's in the bush. I hope it doesn't get you.

Be careful. And then he comes running back. Oh, no shit. I feel a little bad, but it keeps him safe. And that's okay, right? Quick, Timmy. He's gaining on you. He's got the taste for child.

Oh, you just made it in time. Oh, thank goodness. I wonder if the little Timmy or Lewis noticed that there was actually no tiger, Jason. He was like, run, run, run, run. It's like, you know, they always think there's, there's like rumors of a Black Panther. Oh, in Penrith.

In Penrith. Yeah. That's got to come off the back of a parent to, like, parental lie of, you know, like, there's Panthers there. Yeah, that's, that's just marketing for the footy team. Okay, this one is from Lauren. Lovely names. Well picked, Victoria.

When I was pregnant with my second and nauseous, sometimes I would stop and get a lemonade on the way to daycare to settle the nausea. Oh, that's mature. Yeah, it's very good. Good on you, Lauren, very clever. I didn't want my toddler having soft drink. Of course, yeah. So I said it was beer.

And he knows he wasn't allowed dad's beer. It seemed an easy option. That was until one morning at daycare drop off, my son said to his teacher that we had to stop on the way so mum could have a beer. And you can't correct him anyway. I know. The backfire on that.

Because then it's like, you're going to get to Kendi and they're like, so you had a drink before dropping you off to get. Do we need to have a meeting? So it was a swear, it was a Sprite. Should we call in Docs? Was there sugar in that's right? Matt, the good news is now with this segment, thanks to Omo.

We get to give away an Omo prize pack. A couple of capsules. A couple of capsules. I don't know what's in the prize pack, but it sounds pretty good to me. Do you know what? The capsules are amazing. I mean, I'm not just saying that because I was on the ad.

Yeah, yeah. They are phenomenal. That's a brand point. So I'm going to let, who do you think, Windsor? Oh, God. I like, I like the tiger. I like the tiger. And I like the beer.

But you like the tiger? I feel like you really, want the tiger. I like the tiger because it strikes fear in a child's eyes and I'm all about that. It's yeah, it's discipline with complete disregard for emotional trauma. The perfect combination. So who was that? Tessa. Tessa, spelt T E E EWSA. Tessa the tiger. Congratulations. Well done. Enjoy your Omo. You are officially the lying king. Oh, there we go. Outray. Thanks again to Omo Capsules for sponsoring this segment of parenting lies, the Dirty Dads Edition. And we'll be back, of course, with this Dirty Dads Edition next week.

Find it in stores at leading retailers and use as directed. Always keep out of sight and reach of children. Have I mentioned the capsules are really good? They're phenomenal. They're really good. And if you have a great parenting lie, please send it to us because you could win a prize pack of over my capsules. And you heard, they're amazing. They are phenomenal.

Matt, I think we should get out of here. We've spent enough time dribbling on. Yeah, we have dribbled on. and I'm sorry or you're welcome. I'm not sure which one. I know Vic keeps telling us you've gone miles over. But we do that, not for us. It's for the DOTUS.

We're blood, sweat and tears. We're not trying to avoid our families. If we didn't have children, we would be here 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If we didn't have children, this podcast would make no sense. Well said. Thank you. But I hope you enjoyed it. Yes.

Leave a review. Follow us on social media. Two Doting Dads, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, YouTube. And we'll see you next time. Yeah, goodbye. Bye. Take care. Bye.

All right. Okay, bye. You hang up first. Yeah, you go. One, two, three, bye. Bye, sorry. You go. Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia

and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.