Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #257 The Magpie Ruining My Mental Health

Episode Date: September 1, 2026

The guys are back and they’ve fallen straight into silly mode this week. It starts with a roly-poly show from Macy-Moo, before Ash gets into a crazy water fight with a magpie threatening his mental health walks. Matt has a hack for tired parents trying to keep their future plans in sight while stuck on the parenting hamster wheel, while also realising Poppy has entered the hardest parenting season yet. His angel baby is on the move. Plus, with Father’s Day approaching, the guys get some very revealing messages from their kids about what they’re really like as dads. And, of course, more of your best parenting lies, thanks to OMO Capsules. ______________________________________________________________________________ You can grab a copy of Ash's new book The Secret Ingredient here.  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

One sec. I'll be one. Just I'll be one. Matt's just, you know, some men watch porn, other men have LinkedIn. I have been.

Are you doing a LinkedIn post? If you're doing a LinkedIn post instead of doing a podcast with me that is a high level rudeness. I am dual LinkedIn post. I'm, I just, dual leap,

no. No, do you're LinkedIn? No, no, come on. Come on. You leave. You leave.

LinkedIn jokes alone, right? You didn't even respond to that LinkedIn, LinkedIn. Limp dick, LinkedIn meme I sent you. It was a limp dick, LinkedIn me. If you're making fun of my hobbies I don't find it funny. Okay.

Welcome back to two doting dads. I am Maddie J. And I'm Ash. LinkedIn extraordinaire. And I don't have LinkedIn because it got hacked. I'm putting nudes on mine. You're missing out and all the fun because it's... Nice spread cheeks on a gleaning over a couch. It wasn't me. This is a podcast about parenting. The good the bad.

I thought this was the radio. Ash, that's your first warning. I'm sorry. We did a record before. You were great. You've jumped into this one and you are way off the mark. To be fair, that was like two hours ago. I know.

Since then, I've had my soup, my foe. I had a banana. You had a banana. And shout out, this is... This will give people a taste of when we record things. We posted it on social media. I had a photo of my coffee, my soup, and you had a muffin, banana, red bull and protein shake. And I said, guess the lunch?

I had a bite of each of them and that's it. Yeah, you were like to. Ash had a smorgas board of snacks. I got to have three. I had a bottle of water too, so I've got to have three liquids. Why some of the liquid? It's an ADHD thing. Is it really?

It's one for hydration, one for energy, one for sustenance. And I had a sip of each of them. You work in mysterious ways. Thank you. You are a unique young man. Sharks. This is a podcast all about parenting, the good, about the relatable, and we don't give advice. Housekeeping.

I want to know, just quickly, what is your take on this? My beautiful mum, Nana, as we call her, has announced to the family that she would like to change her name. And up until this moment, the kids have always called her Nana. That is her title, self-appointed, you know. It's not like we gave it to her and she was unhappy with it. She said, I would like to be called. I understand, yeah. Many names.

I love how, like, the videos of people have like, oh, it's poo-poo. Papa, D-Dah and Weewee and Woo-hoo. So we were like, what did you want to be called? And she said, Nana. And now she's come out and she said, hi, everyone, I just want to make an announcement. That moving forward from this moment on, I would like the kids to call me a new name.

That's a funny name. That was better. Thank you. That was pretty good. We're warming up. Here comes Nana, new name. I'm glad you're having fun. You can't just change it.

Well, that's five years deep, six years deep. Let's find out. The new name that she would like to be called is none other than Nelly. What? Nelly. Like Ellie, say Nana, Ellie, Ellie, Ellie, Ellie, Ellie. That's pretty clever. Nelly.

What if the kids said about it? Kids are like, what? I know, I could just. What the, what's like? But, but you're, you're, you were the same person. Why the kids don't get it? And also, so she announced it. Obviously, it takes a while for the big changes for little kids.

you know, to wrap their head around. They've been calling her since they were born. Yeah. That they're like, no, no. And she's like, what'd you fucking call me? That's Nelly to you. And the kids are like, oh, this is so confusing. They don't get it.

I just pictured, you know, Nelly, the rap artist from the early 2000s. You know that some country grammar. They get away. If you want to go and take a ride with me. That's not. Yeah. Must be the money. That is Nelly.

So she, I don't know. I just, it's not. It's not working. The kids aren't into it. We're not into it. Your nan is frustrated. Yeah, like, I think Vic's right. Can you just change?

My mum is Nanny Mary because that's real original. My nan is, because she was the OG Nan, the only nan that I had for a long time. Because my previous grandmother passed away early. Nan was always NAM, but now she's Nanny Olive to distinguish from the other NAN. Nanny Mary Nanny Olive. Yeah. And then we've got Mimmy, which is my mother-in-law. Mimmy?

Mimmy. Yeah. That's cute. And then we've got, oh, as a. I call it April's stepmom. That is beautiful. Because it's April's dad's partner, but it's not, yeah, no stepmom relation. Did she request that or is it?

No, she has no choice in the matter. No, her name's Barbara, but the kids call it Barba. Yeah, I think it needs to come naturally. That's nicer than stepmom. Just a little bit. But it's kind of like, you know, when like someone tries to give himself a nickname? Yeah. And you're like, does that?

No, it doesn't work. Like that. It's like, you've got to be called shit face. from someone else. Do you have any requests when you eventually, let's, you know, assume you become a grandfather. Full name. That's it. Okay.

Ashton. Ash. That's it. I don't want anything else. When my kids call me Ash, I feel proud. I feel like pop is. Pops are good one. Poppy, oh, that's my dad.

Let's get started on the pops. We got Poppy boom. Okay. Poppy boom? Yeah. Here we go. Poppy boom. Yeah.

So one time dad was watching Oscar and we're at the beach at his place. They live on the Gold Coast, Cool and Gatathe, beautiful power. And the water, what the water does, right? Here's what water does. It washes up onto the sand and creates those little cliffs, you know, like a little sand cliff when the tide runs out. It's like a little drop off.

Anyway, dad was like, what you should do with these Oscars go, boom? And chop it because you chop it and it falls down like an avalanche. Okay. So Oscar, for his whole baby life, called my dad, Waino, as the Indonesians call him, poppy boom. And he's always been that. and will forever be that.

And see, that is how names are meant to be formed. I have an announcement. And I can imagine your mum doing it too. Guys, I have an announcement. It's like, oh, God. She's been getting to her friends about it. Oh, yeah. She doesn't have any friends.

What about the credit card friends? I'm sorry, Mum. She's got more than friends, Matt. She's got a syndicate. I actually shout out to Nellie. And the syndicate. She's got a bad neck at the moment. Oh, I know.

She left the house for dinner. the other night. Left the house for dinner. Yes, left the house. When I was over the other day, she looked great. Thank you. And she came, well, she did come, she, she was hard to direct with the camera. But the rest of it.

We filmed a skit and we had to get her to film something. It's very fun. We literally were like, Nana. Okay, it is, the phone is currently recording. We're going to hand you the phone, which is currently recording. Just going to say recording currently. Even in the video it says, just, just aim it. She grabs it, points it at Ash and I.

we say our line, which is very well delivered. We get the phone back and we go, you didn't, how did you stop, you stopped it. But then she restarted it. And then she was calling someone. And we're like, how'd you do that? And she was like, oh. My finger flicked.

My finger flicked. And Matt's like, what do you mean by flit? It was honestly, it was, look, it was something like out of everybody loved Raymond. And then I'm like, patience. Wow. One, two, three, four, five. Big breath in.

I got to get you out of it. Anyway, I thought she looked. I thought she was, she got me big cuddle. It's good to see her. Does she listen? No. I don't think she does. No.

She watches... She watches... She loves Ash's videos. She was like, I think... My last song was a bit mean to April, I think. I mean, is it... Does April get upset? Does she get upset?

She is human. She has to do with me? She just speak to Ash. God, we went too far on that one. She got upset about one of them. Okay, I might send her a personalized one. And I'd be like, my wife for no reason. and then just have something to do with Ellie. Can you just like do a video and be like, do you like that, Ellie?

Yeah, yeah. I should have sent her the behind the scene, so she sees that April's a part of the process. Send it to her. Send it to it. So the other day we had a guest on by the name of Jules from the Babel, okay, which is a big Bible-looking book that has full of recipes for you and your kids that are nutritious, bloody, bloody, not religious. Not religious, no.

We spoke about protein. Very important. Yeah, very important, because we had our lunchboxes that I, was scored terribly on. She was a bit harsh on your lunchbox. I still feel like... What is this? I still feel like I was stitched up here.

Totally. You're tearing capoids. Me? Mate, I know you. That lunchbox was well above your pay grade. You don't know who I am. You think you know me. All right.

You have no idea who I really am. I will find you and I will kill you. Anyway, so we talked about a lot of protein in there. And as you know, my wife is quite into her protein. She's in her gym era. So I was at soccer, the last game in the year the other day. And one of the mums pulled me aside. And she was like,

Kaya keeps hitting me up about if there's enough protein in his meals. And I was like, oh, okay. Kai is the son? Sorry, Kai is the son. Kyle Lewis. I was about saying, is this Kai Looke Lus. Yes. Kyle Lewis is getting a rap on this podcast.

Good kid. Great name. But anyway, apparently all of the kids. kids in the soccer team are now obsessed with protein. So instead of oranges, what are you giving them like protein shakes at half time? Well, April suggested it. She was like, I can make some protein for it. Okay, chill.

Anyway, so April wasn't there at that time. And I pieced it together eventually when I spoke to April. And I was like, hey, you been preaching protein to the kids over here? And she's like, well, to Oscar, yeah, it's important. It's fucking important about a bit of protein. I'm like, well, the whole soccer team now is talking about how much protein they're having in their meals. And they're saying to their parents, they're like,

She's got protein in it. Like everything. That's great. God, good gear. But then April's like, no, no, no, no. Because all of the moms listen to your podcast, they've listened to the Babel. And she talks about load them up on protein because they all play soccer at the middle of the day. They need more energy to learn.

Anyway, then that happened. That was my big takeaway too. I'm like, God, I've got to get more protein in this lunchbox. Yeah, it's my sip of my protein shake out there than I had. Me too. And I was like, oh, okay, all right. And then I ran into one of the other parents and she was a little bit concerned. And I was like, what are you concerned about?

She was like, I went to the school. I had an appointment just to, I can't remember what she was going to do there at lunchtime to see, might have been the principal or something. And she was like, I managed to see the soccer game in question that these kids were playing. Yeah. And she was like, it was like a prison yard. And she's like, I'm concerned with the amount of protein talk that's going on that these kids are getting down there on the soccer field like athletes.

And essentially no mercy. Apparently kids are getting home with ripped up, school shirts, they've got bunged up knees. One of the kids is in hospital. Where's the teachers? Where are the teachers during all of this? They're playing, but Oscar's like scored five goals. I'm like, okay, how are your limbs?

And he's just like, oh, I'm sweet. He's a skinny young man. Is he getting injured? He's too fast for him. He's got some skinny leg. I've seen bigger legs on the sea goal. Well said. And if he gets hit by one of these bigger kids,

they'll break him in half. But anyway, they're all get jacked. These school kids. Are you worried? No, no, I'm not worried. But anyway, go back and listen to the episode if you haven't listened to it. Apparently, we talk about nothing but protein. Do young boys, do they care for muscles?

Do they care? Oh my God, that's right. I forget you don't have a boy. I have no idea. It's all about how fast you are, how strong you are. Is he doing weights? What's he doing? No, he's doing absolutely nothing to build the muscle.

It's all about really how fast you are. Do you remember that? It's like you attract the pretty girls. I know. I was always good at long distance. It never worked for me. I was trying to impress this girl once in primary school, with my speed and we were playing all playing a game together and I was so fast that I

accidentally headbutted her. It was an accident. Made an impression. Made an impression that she never spoke to me ever again. Anyway. Aw. Could have been my future wife. Which is just as well because without that headbutting incident, April Wicks would have

never happened. I know April would be so sad right now. Anyway, protein is king at primary school these days. I just got a little hack for you, my friend. I saw a mum and dad from school. They were on a bike together riding in tandem. Yes, she was on the back. He was on the front.

Oh, it wasn't a tandem bike. What's a tandem bike? Are you serious? Like a two, it's a two seat bike with two handlebars. And four pedals, but two wheels. Thank you. In a long frame. Thank you.

Kind of like the sausage dog of bike. You don't often see a tandem bike. Like the sausage dog of bikes. Thank you. They're a rarity. Shaggin a head over here. But quite a novelty. No, no, no.

Yeah. Oh, was that a, I agree with you. Yeah. No, I was kind of, I can't remember the last standard bike I saw. But they were on a normal size bike together. And no kids. And I said, where are you kids? And they said, oh, we're actually, we're having a like six-monthly catch-up.

And I was like, what do you mean, six-monthly catch-up? And they're like, oh, every six months, we do a little session together where we just talk about the plans for the next six months. We do it without the kids. Kids are with grandma. That sounds like my worst nightmare. Fuck off it does. Plan six months out. It's just about like big picture stuff.

Like obviously the boring things. Like what are we doing? The portfolio. But it's just like, you know, what do you want to focus on for the next six months? So we're on the same page. We've got common goals. I'm taking a day by day over here, bro. I love it.

Yeah, well, that's you. It's about maximizing the ROI over the relationship. Your relationship is not a business. Let's circle back in six months time. We want to increase engagement. of the relationship. April would love this idea, but not me. I guess, like, if you're a planner,

would you consider yourself a planner? You just said Laura lives week by week? I did say that. I did say, no, I just think it's so easy for the days to turn into weeks, to turn into months, and you're like, holy fuck, fucking Christmas is like knocking on our door before we know it.

Do not trigger me with the word Christmas. Sorry, I apologize. But it could even be like holiday planning. Oh, that's fun. Like, future dream planning. What's something you want to work on the next six months. I just want to get to six months. There you go. That's a beautiful thing. Thank you. Well, my work here is done. For me, I'd like to surf more. Okay. And that's something

that, you know, you can vocalize. Well, you meant to sail? Ah, fuck the sailing. Like fair. Totally fair. What about the getting off your phone at night? Can you just relax? Those of you who are wondering what the sailing was and they're not being on your phone so much, they wouldn't you use resolutions. And if it puts your mind at ease, I'm not really doing mine either. I have no doubt. were. I don't even remember. Portuguese. Oh, actually, I've got an update really quick on that.

20 weeks that I haven't done it. Very good. And that's not even a lie. It's like a reverse gold. I've reversed gold the Portuguese. You were like focusing on erasing it from your mind. And if anything, that takes more effort than doing, learning Portuguese. Because it's not a bit of load.

Forgetting Portuguese is harder than learning it. I'm proud of you. Put that on a T-shirt. So you want to surf, Okay, so it's about your hobby planning. Yeah, and then it's just, you know, what do you want as a couple? What do you want to work on? What do you need to get better at?

And I just think sometimes it's just nice to spend some time on the relationship. They then celebrate by going out for a nice lunch afterwards. Oh, bike and lunch. Okay. Yeah. Should you? Should you say Taipei's? Is that Taipei?

It could be Taipei. Taipei. So Taipei, great. But it doesn't have to be six months, surely. It could be like, why don't we plan the next week? Like the next two days. I like it. Do you think the hack is the pre-planning at a big amount of time?

I just think it's a nice little, like, touch base. Okay. How you doing? I'm doing good. Big picture. Big picture. Thank you. Thank you,

Vic. I like what you said before you said, it's a catch-up, like, see in another six months. That's kind of what you're getting at because it's like they turn into weeks and months and then all of a sudden you're like, who are you? I just, I like it. I like it. Will I implement it? Probably not.

Me either. But I like the idea of it. It's not like life admin. I think you're thinking it's life admin. I think it's like big picture future planning. Like, okay, we'd love to go to Bali in July next year. I've got it. I've got it.

How do you maximize the most out of the opportunities that you could have in life? You just stole that for me yesterday. I'm using your information. That was wrong. It is how do you exhaust every opportunity over that period of time? That's it. Okay, okay, I'm with you. I'm with you now.

And reach your potential. Reach our potential. It's about... I feel like you're mocking me now. It's about reaching potential. Great. But again, I like the idea of it. Would I do it?

Absolutely not. Unless it's your idea. Exactly right. I feel attacked. Okay, so I just did plant that seed and then when Asher's like, I just think that for the podcast, we should catch up every six months.

I'm not sure we're mad. I'm not going to do that. Back off, you're not. Like, mate. I'm like, honestly, Can we reduce the catch-ups now? I'm just not a forward thinking like that. That's okay.

We'll wait and see. Just really quickly, we talked about ice packs and how shit they are. Kids don't understand they're cold. Yes. So apparently lentils, you put them in a sock, put the sock in the freezer. You then have, it's like the right level of coldness because the ice pack is too cold. Also gets wet. Kids hate moisture.

What about a bag of peas? The moisture. The wetness. You should not put ice directly on. your muscles anyway. So you have a, you have, there needs to be a layer between your skin and the ice itself because you could potentially frostbite or burn the muscle.

Who told you that? Oscar? Chat J-B-T. Oscar did tell me that actually. So, Madlena, Madlena. Get out of here.

Madlena. I love how you bolded that too. Madlena. Did you bold that on purpose? So she, she's all for the lentil sock. Just an idea, just a hack, there you go. Make a lentil sock and put it.

Yeah, okay. Take it to leave it. I'm not going to say I'm going to try it. I don't have lentils in my house. Do you have lentils? No. I've got some news for you. Hit me.

Off the back of gymnastics chats. Who was that? Who was talking about gymnastics? You were talking about gymnastics in that stupid fucking wheel that keeps tearing your house apart. That was me? I apologize. The wheel of tantrums. There's a great divide of the wheel of tantrums.

Macy wanted to do gym as well. So she signed up for gym and she started. Because she wants the wheel? No. Okay. And I'll be honest, I went with, I went to watch. I got to watch. I want to see this.

Went to watch and honestly, I want to have a go. It looks like so much fun. It's like a big adult playground. You can't hurt yourself in. I want to swing off something really high. I know it does look really fun in there. And like... Surely you're allowed to just like drop your kids off,

a couple little bounces on the trampoline. I think they do have an adult's free session. Yeah, but you don't want to be that fucking adult. You'd be a freak, hey. We had a ninja kids party and every single adult there was like, I would love to have a go here. Yeah. I really do.

I was like, I want to do a big flip into the ball pit. I mean, into the phone pit. And April was like, oh, think of the bacteria. A lot of bacteria in there. I was like, are they Glenn 20? I used to do gymnastics and I went to nationals. I was waiting for this. You don't?

In London? I knew this was coming. Is it in London? Well, just really quickly, at my school, when you had a sporting achievement that was, you know, like state level or, I think higher than regionals, they would announce it at assembly. that would be like and congratulations to Tim Smith who came forth at the state 400 meters everyone and so in gymnastics there's levels okay level one is is like roly pollies like we'll talk about roly polis after this but yep and so I was level three which is very low you know it's like

what so what does that entail so imagine so high bar the apparatus you would just swing I can do that so I can be level three you're level three essentially you are straight and you're The door is open for level three for you. Okay. And where do you get to flips? Because they're just rolling. That's like level four, level five. They're just roly pollies in the air.

Well said. Thank you. Well said. So I went to Nationals for level three. And I told the school that I went to Nationals and I came like seventh at nationals. Didn't say what level I was in. And I got announced an assembly. And then there's a guy called Joshua Jeffries who ended up representing.

guy called Joshua Jeffries who ended up representing Australia. He was very, very good. In level three. And he was like, he was doing all the flippies. Yeah, okay. And people were like, oh, Joshua Jeffries, you must have competed against him because he was also at nationals. And I was like, oh, God.

It's unraveling. This lion is unraveling so quick. I never like, someone was like, do a flip. And I was like, I don't. I'm injured. I could give you a roly pollie. Speaking of roll of pollies, sigway.

Macy's done one class. And obviously she did a couple of roly pollies And she's figured out what a roly polly is And she loves them I love them So last night She was like I see I went into my bedroom

And I look and she was practicing a roly polis And I was like What are you up to? And she was like Look at my roly polly Okay I'm like I could use some work And I was like

Tuck your chin in love you Yeah Yeah And she was like oh okay And starts to get better and better And I was like hey When Oscar gets out of the shower Everyone's in their jammies

What we'll do is we'll do a show that you could show everyone in the house. So me, Oscar, Macy and the dog. You're roly polis. And she was like, yeah. So I left her in there while I cleaned up the kitchen or whatever, because I'm such a good guy. And then I...

Thank you. Where's April in all this? Who? Never mind. She was showering Oscar. Yeah. So we swap it out sometimes. You know, call an audible.

And I said, okay, what we'll do is we'll make it a proper show. And she was like, okay. I'm like, you're going to do a... a walk in while everyone's waiting for you, okay? And she was like, okay. And I was like, have you ever seen WWE? She's like, no. I'm like, wrestling.

She's like, no. I was like, okay, well, it's going to be a bit like that. So everyone's in the bedroom because I wanted to do it on the beds. I didn't hurt a neck too much. Yeah. Because they're just so clunky. It's not a nice roly play. It's like, roly.

She's got the muscle strength of a newborn. Honestly, it's like, hey, matey. Oh, she. Anyway, so I gathered everyone in the room. Everyone, all two of us. three of us. And I was like, you stand out here and I'm going to announce you. And then what I'm going to do is as you're running in,

I'll sing a, like a pump up song like you're in WWE. So I had her sound around her. I'm like, you wait for my signal. And she was like so eager. She was like, ready to go. And I was like, coming into three foot three and 16 kilos, it's Macy Moomoo. And I was like, flicking the light switch. Ditt, do, do, did, did, did, did.

And Oscar's like, yeah. She comes in and she was just. like so pumped. She's like, is everybody ready? Woo! And I was like, what do you need to do? She's like, tuck. Tuck my chin to my neck.

And I was like, what are you going to aim for? She's like, your pillow! Woo! Rolly-polly. And then I was like, you ready? Ready? Ready? Another roly-poly.

Flicking the lights on an oven. She's like, runs out of the room. Like, she's absolutely achieved the best thing ever. And she was like, wait until I get to gym so I can show over on my roly-pollies. Oh, I was mad. It was so much fun. Yeah. I want to come over your house.

And I was like 7 o'clock at night. The neighbors would have been like, what the fuck are these people doing? Anyway, the Rolly Polly. She's working on it. I can't wait for the cartwheel because it's going to be a massive show. Oh, the cartwheel. My advice for the cartwheel,

it's a marathon, not a sprint. In learning the cartwheel. Yeah, Oscar Triwana. Marley's gotten better. It costs us thousands of dollars in gymnastics fees to get like a half cartwheel. And a tantrum. And then we're trying to do hands.

stands and yeah. Oh yeah, when Macy, because obviously it was a first time at the parallel bar where they, what they had to do is they had to hold the really low one and just swing their legs and kick the mat. and Macy was like, not for me. No. I was filming to be like, all right, she's going to do it. She's going to do it.

She walked up and it's her turn. She was like, no. And then they was like, not for me, thanks. Just the roly pole. That's all I want. She like got to the end of the step, sat down, like the most like everything with Macy has got to be just so. So she's like, peteately sat down, put her feet on the ground, then stood up and walked away and everyone's like, whoa!

It's like, fucking hell. But keep you updated on the gymnastics. But I honestly... Can you please get me a video of the Rolly Polly? Oh, 100%. Yeah, tonight. We're doing it again. We're doing the show again tonight. And I think Oscar wants to get in on the act. Oh, yeah. So, but just so you're mindful, it's not real music, it's me. Just so you know, just to set the expectation. Thank you for managing. And you're like, ding, ding, ding, tin, tin, din, do. Just be careful that don't roll into each other because that's when... No, they'll be doing one at the time.

I'm not running the circus, Vic. Quickly before we go to breaking news, because we've got Vic here to do breaking news. Please. And I'll set the camera out. Just want to wish all the dads out there are happy Father's Day. Yes. Spend the day with your kids. Build the connection.

Whatever. To all the dads out there, look, I think, I think... I don't think you can say it any better than I did. Not to take away. from the very important message that Ash is putting out. But I think it is easy to look at dads and be like, fact, they're pathetic. I don't need a day.

But I think there are so many dads out there who are doing a really amazing job that are raising the bar off the ground where it was previously for the last generation of dads. You could have roly-polyed over it. Yeah, the bar is living. Now you're level three. You're a level three dad.

You're swinging on that slow bar. But to the dads out there that are showing up every single day with their kids. And I'm, you know, doing all the right things in making sure that they're persistent, not trying to be perfect, but just they're there showing up. But also making sure that things like the mental load is being shared with their partners, just ticking all the boxes to those dads. If you're listening, if you're watching this, you know who you are, you're doing such an amazing job, not just for your family,

but also raising the bar for families all around the country. Not said. And I would include you, two guys in that. What I was going to add is it's okay to spend 40 minutes in the toilet, but as long as you show up after that 40 minutes. When you do get the blood back to your legs and your feet and you're able to walk again. I know, dude, I tell you right now. Oh no. I know. I feel flat on my face. Anyway, happy Father's Day. Breaking news, Vic, what are you got for us? Okay. Well, in breaking news with Father's Day fast approaching,

the children of Australia's favourite podcasting dads have spoken out about what they're really like behind closed doors. I managed to get boots on the ground in both camps to obtain some exclusive never-before-heard audio from the kids themselves. Let's take a listen. Hey, what's your name? My name is Laura. What do you like the most about your daddy? Give me big hugs and horse your eyes. And what do you think he does for a job? What does? What does you do on a podcast? What do you do on a podcast? We do work. Yeah, he does do some work. What's his favorite food? Blueberries. You think Daddy's favorite food is blueberries? Yeah. What do you like doing with Daddy the most? Do you want horsey rides?

Horsey rides? Who do you think he's the best horsey rides in the whole world? Daddy. And who do you think is the best cuddles? Daddy. And if you could say one thing to Daddy, what would you say? I love you, Daddy. For the more my book. You say a butt crack? I want to watch Stevie. You sneaky little sausage, Vic. What do you like most about Daddy? I like that he's really funny and he shows me lots of tricks.

What kind of tricks? Like when I roll up in the air and he throws me. What is your favorite thing to do with Daddy? When he draws with me. Oh, when he draws with you. What does Daddy do for a job? Daddy does podcasting. And what does he do all day?

He looks after me. He looks after you. What does he do all day at podcasting? He works with Ash and talks about really funny things. What do you want to say to Daddy? I love you, Daddy. And you're the best Daddy in the whole universe. What do you think Daddy's favorite color is?

What do you think Daddy's favorite food is? Chicken pie or a designer. And what do you think Daddy likes to do most? the time. What's his favorite thing to do? Do lots of jobs because he always says gardening. He likes to do the gardening. Is that his favorite thing to do? Yeah. And how much do you love Daddy?

I love Daddy all around all the universes. When 32,000 times and all around the galaxy, 300 times and then all around the sun 10 times And then all around the earth 10 times. That's how much I love him. Whoa. Do you know what, Lawless said? What? All the way to the moon, my butt crack him back.

Oh, sneaky Vick. You very, thank you for that. Isn't your favorite fruit, salmon? Blueberries. I'm surprised I weren't like, on his phone, favorite thing? Yeah, blueberry lasagna, lovely. Right, now I've got Macy. What is your favorite thing to do with Danny?

Hey, hi, hi, I'm sick. What is your favorite thing about Daddy? Um, spoodering with him. What is Daddy's job? Um, to do work. Yeah, what does Daddy do for work? Um, he gets money. Yeah, do you know what he does?

I see him rotating some photos. Rotating some photos. That's very clever. How tall is Daddy? He's taller than you. Yeah, that's true What is Daddy really good at? He's very good at I'm making my hair

Making your hair When did he get good at doing that? On Wednesday What is Daddy's favourite food? Eggs Yeah What does Daddy like to do the most Do work

He likes to work the most What else does he like to do? Clay River That's nice. What is something that Daddy always says to you? It always says that's beautiful makes you. Oh. Does he?

Why do you love Daddy? Because he saved us from a different kind of thing. What does he save you from? I don't know. Anything else you want to say about your dad? No. She's got a sweetest voice, eh? She saves us from the garage of a rush of.

I don't know. The word, move it, next question. I feel like April was really suss on like, does Daddy do your hair? Yeah. Since when?

I did which was away. Wednesday? Yeah, no. And then Little Oscar. What is your favourite thing to do with Daddy? Go to Melbourne with him and watch Origin. What is your favourite thing about Daddy? Daddy takes me everywhere.

What is Daddy really good at? Being a coach for soccer. How tall is daddy? It breaks my heart. It doesn't break my heart. It makes me happy, eh? What is Daddy's favorite food? Mexican.

What does Daddy like to do the most? Like racing on his thingy. What is something that Daddy always says to you? One last chance, buddy. And what do you love most about Daddy? He has a moustache. Anything else you want to say about Debbie? He tick with me.

He tickles me. He goes all that day. Thank you, Vic. Thank you, Vic, for organising that. That looks like I'm going to be couged. That was lovely. Oh, you're welcome. You guys just said it.

You tricked us, man. You tricked us, you little fucking like it. You got to thank your wives, though, because, man, that was a lot of work. for them. I know. I know when I think we've done it for Laura and April before and like, God, sometimes like trying to get blood from a stone. Yeah. I was because like, I'm not talking until I get something. Fair enough. Thank you very much. Beautiful. But you're both beautiful dads and I just wanted you guys to know how your kids really feel about you for Father's Day. Thank you. It's reassuring to know that Lola loves me all the way to a butt crack and back.

Who let, who told of that? I fucking see that thing enough, bloody hell. Oh, who's what to that saying? That's good. Two of my buck, it's the moon, my butt cracking back. One rhymes too. Somehow I've become her preferred parent only for wiping her ass. Oh, no. Well, it's Lisa something.

I mean, I'll take it. Take it, take it, take it, run. They say, take the bouncing ball, Matthew, and run with it. But they had such cute little answers. I know. A little insight. My neighbour the other day was like, Nacy's voice.

So cute. There's nothing, like, I'm like, there's nothing I could do to preserve it other than keep as much audio of it as. I can. That, like, just pure innocence. There's that video where I did where she was like, oh, fruit, you know, the fruit. She was like, watermelon. It was just like, oh, man, I can't, I can't, I can't.

Also sucked into you because you're a coach and Oscar forever. Yeah, look, there's parts of the coaching I do like. I do love getting a rise out of them. You sent us a photo on the weekend of you, like, huddled with the group. The dad's spot. The dad crotch. The dad crotch is unbiased. I know the posture on Ash and he's kneeling down to be eye height with the kids.

I know April sent me photos of the of the soccer game like that the kids was their last game and then I did just was like I ignored all those photos. I'm like, look at that. Perfect dad crouch. Poster. Get that printed. Rump. If not at home.

On tippy toes. We'll put it here and that deserves a spot on the wall. The balance was unbelievable. Who took that photo? Christy. Shout out to Christy. Yep. Shout out to Christy.

I mean, that could be on a jumper. the dad crouch. Yeah, show us your dad crotch. Also to Dan as well. I do want to give a mention to my beloved Dan. We actually have a message from Ellie. Hey, Daddy. I've got a cup of tea with your name on it.

There's so many things that I look at, I'm like, I can fix that. Also, she hasn't. It's a slippery slope. She hasn't washed the mug that he used. She keeps it for safekeeping. I want to give an update on... I had some blood test. Your blood.

I did. I was worried. Fair enough. I was worried. I think fair enough. Vic was worried. The dodis were worried. Lots of changes. You know spring chicken anymore? But I have some good news for the listeners. Everything is tip top. Yay.

Which is, I'm shocked, to starters. There was one thing that was low, which is manageable, which is vitamin D. Because I didn't talk about how- You need more dick. More dick. My doctor said, it's- Of course you make that joke. I know. Sorry.

How much dick does one man next? Endless She said to me You know it's odd when the doctor's shock That you're healthy She's like And this the right too Yeah

She's like to double back She said I even left it on my desk He came back to it to make sure With a freshered eyes No fuck you Yeah she's like So I've got some yeah good news All you need to do is take some vitamin D

For the next three months And go for a walk every day Okay Yeah you've really pushing the the walks. I'm not peddling it like I'm selling them. You are like, every second thing is like, have I mentioned I was in a walk yesterday?

It's the Wayne Wicks salesman in me. I can't help it. It's like I'm waiting for you to come out with like the new Wix walking shoe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like an AIMX. Yeah, but you just... In the group chat.

In the group chat, you're like, hey guys, just take a look at this. Anyway. I found this on my walk and it's a picture of a pond. It was a waterfall. Anyway, and it was like in my backyard. I literally walked out the back door and I was like, it's a waterfall. It looked like I was in a different country.

What was the suggestion for the walk? So the suggestion was, okay, because I just, my mental health was just not playing ball. Okay. And I, yes, I'm not, obviously I'm not out as much. I'm not day drinking as much. I'm not getting as much sun, simple as that. And she said, get out and do some walks and stuff, which honestly, I just like felt so much better about it afterwards. Like everything about it, like I just felt happier

Until I started to get swooped by the birds, didn't I? I took a detour. They will. Well said. They will get you. I took a detour and there was a shifty looking magpie hanging around and I thought, Hey little fella.

Yeah. You're a cute looking little birdie? Yeah, it was more like he was looking at me going, you're a cute little man, I want to swoop. And I was like, oh, fucking hell. Really? That was very good. All right.

I was going to go, kaka! What have I got? I'm too smiley to whistle. Too many walks. Very good. You guys have been practicing. Thank you. I'm a whistler from way back.

Nah. Continue. Anyway, stupid fucking magpie sounded just like that. He just looked like it was up to no good. They look shifty anyway. Shifty motherfuckers. They're walking around. Big or beaks as well.

Looking around, like when they go, when they do that little sidehead, like, I'm fucking going to get you. I remember like. Kiwi. When you walk the pram with a newborn And Lorda would be like Pull it shut You never know the magpie You can't you can't

You can't trust them Someone was like It's not even sweeping season I'm like what Why can't they be like the other birds They just fly south for the winter Harmlessly flying overhead They're going south or west or east or north

Is the sweeping from the when they have nests Maybe Yeah but it's like the magas Like fuck that bored of shit I'm going after this guy So I see him He's shifty he's on a fence I was like you shifty fuck

And I'm walking. And it's in the back of where I live, there's still some big blocks of land that they've held out from the developers because there's some horses on there and people still live there. So it's quite flat and open. And I thought,

I'm exposed here. I'm fucking exposed by the elements from this bird. And I'm like, okay, I'm just going to walk. I did the thing where it's like, don't look at it. Like with a dog,

because it'll just follow you. He's like, I'm not looking at it. But it knew that I wasn't looking at it. And I was like, I got to look at it in case it's coming for me. And then I was like, it took one look.

And it's fucking. on its way towards me. So I had a water bottle and if anyone came around the corner, they would have just seen a 36 year old man running down the middle of the road with a water bottle in the air like that, flipping it around. And I was like, help! I know, I was like, I wish I had some mace or something. I was like, help!

And then eventually it must have been out of its territory. Anyway, I never went back down that street ever again. The mental health walks great except for the birds that are swooping me. Okay. Did it actually swoop? The bird just flew off and Ash is like, No. I'm being attacked.

I was bored and I'm going to get my phone out to film selfie in case it did attack me because I thought that would be really funny. And it was, it didn't get as close as I've had them come to me before, but it was definitely swooping me. And I'm, oh, shut up. And I'm just this manic man running down there.

There was actually no bird. April's like, oh, those mental health. really unhelping. I know. I just get home and I'm just an anxious, nervous mess. Me and the dog, shaking. The dog shakes when it starts a thunder

and someone was wheeling the bins in the other day. So me and the dog are fucking shaking in the corner of the house. I'm not going on another walk. And the dog's like, me either. So anyway, I'm feeling much better. As you can tell, I'm much happier than I was on. How often do you take a walk? I'm trying to get a walk in every day, and it doesn't have to be big.

Like this morning I just did like 20 minutes. And I, look, where I live, it's full. flat, the wetlands has all these like amazing paths. And I'm like, fucking like, I, like, like, like nature walks. Yeah, I should have been doing this ages ago. I'm fucking stubborn, aren't I? Yeah, but you're still young.

Thank you. I don't feel it. Actually, I do feel it because I mean, tip top shake. I know. Apparently. Do they say, when those results come back, do they say, oh, this is actually really good, like cholesterol or do they have? That's what you want, yeah.

Yeah, what's the good thing? When a doctor rings you, you were like, Matt, your health is good. How good. How good? If you're going to give me a score. Was there anything that you're most proud of with the results? I'm like, wow, your sperm count. Oh, they're like, it's off the charts.

Anything in like anything like, sorry, sir, there is no sperm. Sectomy. That's probably did that. Of course. No, look, honestly, I was just really anxious about my prostate. And the prostate's good. Prostate's good. Shockingly.

Do they just say, like literally prostate good? is that what you get a prostate score right what's your prostate score it's got levels so you can be high medium i'm a level three prostate yeah i was really worried about my prostate right because of the wing yeah because of the wing so i was talking to my dad about it who's in his 60s he's only 70 Jesus Christ getting on that guy and i was like oh i just do know what he said to me at the start of the phone call he was like oh i can tell you're a bit worried about your health he He was like, make sure you drink plenty of water, okay? Like, because I was like talking about my prostate.

And I was like, oh, I drink shit loads of water. And in the same sentence, he's like, oh, you shouldn't drink too much water. What? Shut up, dad. What? It's like, it's such a boomer thing to say too. It's just like, oh, you shouldn't do that. He was like, get off those drinks you're drinking.

I said, I don't drink alcohol. He's like, well, whatever it is that you're drinking right now. Get off that. It's H2O. It's water. Yeah, you should drink water. Not too much though. Get back on the beer.

Yeah. Get back on the beer, son. I'll find it and I'll let everybody know. We'll just score off. You know, it'd be something medical. It was like, you're in the hematoba region of the Dexy hydrhydride. That was beautiful. Thank you.

So that's it? That's it. The medical episode is finished? Yeah. I'll give you updated on the Seagull. I mean, that can... The Magpie. Yeah, I'll give you an update on that.

Right. So that's it. Nothing else. Nothing more. For now. Great. Well done. Yeah, I'm feeling good at the moment.

I'm actually much happier that I got all those results back. I'm reassure. short. Go get a blood test. I need to get one. And that's you and every other fucking dad out there. No need to yell. Have a piece of fruit. And don't drink too much water. And drink enough water. And get some sunshine. Get some sunshine. Get some dick. Oh, okay.

Do you remember Ash what life was like with a baby? Yeah. Oh, yeah. No. Yeah. Look, yeah. Okay. Let me ask you another question. The traumatizing parts or? What do you think is the hardest phase of parents? When, I think when they're just start to be on the move and they can't understand you. I've hit the hour on ahead, haven't I?

I don't know what's happened to my beautiful, calm, relaxed, easygoing little baby poppy. She's figured out that she's fucking, something's clicked into gear. Is she crawling? She is lightning fast. Did she completely skip sliding? Because I remember Oscar could only slide backwards. She slid for, yeah, like moments. And then she was like, fuck this.

Next level up. You know, like the picture of the fish turning into a man. She's like, fuck the rest of that. Straight to crawling. But she doesn't even like to be held anymore. But before it was like, it was easy because you could just like have her on your hip or like have her in the carrier. Or even in the pram.

She'd be in the pram and she'd be like, chill. Now she's just like, let's fucking go. I know. And when they can't go, they get so. frustrated. Man. She's just like anything that she can throw herself off, she's like, I will do that. She's a dive bomber.

She just wants to like the stairs, dude. We're now in the era of like, just climbing. I did see you've got the gate up now. We've got the gate up now and to the kids were like, hey, just if you're going to come down the stairs, just close the gate. I thought it was for Nana. And they're like also keeps Nana out when we're having sex upstairs. Nelly, Nelly, Nelly.

If you want to go on yet, how? with me. But it's, there was like a split second where we've always got to have, someone's going to have eyes on Poppy and like the blink of an eye, she was halfway up the stairs.

We're like, fucking hell. Holy. And you've got, just to paint a picture for the audience, your stairs are the ones that they're like floating. Call them floating. You can,

it's not like a structural. They can fall like through. You can slip through. I've slipped through. She is. And then, and then as well, when we like,

we grabbed her, she's like, don't fucking touch me. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm here to save you a lot. or just like anything like... Shut up, let me throw myself off the stage.

I know what I'm doing. And I'm like, man, and then I look over and she's got a fucking knife. And I'm like, poppy and she's like, what? And I'm like, just put it down. She just wants to grab anything that can cause self-harm. She's just like a manic little baby at the moment. Because obviously they just, like I said, they're on the move when they can't understand you. And then they don't understand when they can't, when they're not allowed to be on them.

So if they're restricted, they're like, it's like, it's like when you wear a long-sleeve shirt that's a bit too tight, you'll just fucking feel of me. And just the days of me just holding her and having a nice cuddle with her, they're, like, long gone. Even when I'm like giving her a bottle, she's still like fucking slapping me. She's like, you fucking, you watch me jump off these fucking stairs. Oh, dude. And then trying to get an 11 month old, she's 11 months old, right? You know, I'm a grown man.

I'm 85 kilos. Congratulations. You think I would be strong enough to put my baby into a pram. No, absolutely not. But I'm like, dude, I'm battling. It's like when you're trying to put a cat into a box. Yeah, it just. Not that I've done that.

And I forget, like my memory of this phase. Yeah. It's like weirdly nostalgic. I'm like, oh, that's right. This is fucking hard. We had one of each. So we had Oscar who was literally never shut up as soon as he came out and never, as soon as he could move.

I still can't stop him. He's, oh. He's gone. And then Macy, who was just happy to sit and watch the world go by. That's still the case now. But, like, I remember, like, perfect Macy's there at least. You didn't imagine having two of them like that. Ah.

At one time. It's like, no wonder, like, twin parents are like, oh, my God, man. Like, because you're, like, watching one climb up the stairs or the other ones on the fucking kitchen bench. Laura was like, we should take another holiday soon. And I'm like, there is no way I'm going to be stuck in a capsule for more than a couple of hours with this baby because she's just like, doesn't want anyone to fucking touch her. And also like, just hurry up and talk.

Just tell me what you want. Yeah. Well, that's it. Once they start talking, they still don't know what they want. But she does do. I want to get it. I want to get an audio of it. The only thing she does is like, ha.

Is she coo? She do the cooing? Like, oh. Oh, it's just like, ha. Like hocking up a loogie. I come into a room in the morning and she's like, ha. And I'm like, hey. You're like, good day.

Hello to you too. Or like, we're going to go outside. And there people are like, like getting up. She's like, huh? She's just like an old samurai. That's all she's saying. But I'm like,

fuck, it's, I'm reminded that parenting babies. It's not easy. It's exhausting. It's not for the faint hard. It's exhausting, I had twin cousins,

right? They were a bit younger than me. They're older and grown up now. But when they were kids, they were like that. Both of them were on the move all the time. I remember a boy and a girl, the boy ended up on top of the kitchen bench,

neck and a vodka cruiser. before anyone noticed. Oh my God. And I'll tell you right now, he downed it. Oh, fucking hell. He spewed it up immediately because it was like hot. It was cold and fizzy, brother. It was cut.

He beer bonged it. Essentially beer bonged it. How old was he? He would have been two, three, three, two. Why did these young kids make a glass of milk? Just eat a meal. Like, seriously, have a sip of fucking water. Yeah, fucking hell.

Anyway, like, yeah, definitely you are getting into the, because we talked about there's no terrible two. but you're going to go from that one to two where once, yeah, she starts to walk. You're going to have three walking children in your house. And I'm like, look away. I look back and I'm like, where's Poppy? And she's like, oh, fuck, she's on the roof. Yeah, she's on the roof with the vodka cruiser.

You're going to jump up. I know what I'm doing. I'm like, I'm sick of people telling me what to do. The trick is to teach her how to climb down from things. That is a real hack. So Louis started crawling at five months and we were like, what the fuck. But Dan took it upon himself to teach Louis how to get down from the couch. So like, you knew how to climb up?

So how would you do that? You show that, like, you put them in the position and then you kind of slide. Like feet down. It's a full reversey. Okay. Yeah. And then Louis got really good at it. And then he loved to like climb up and then climb down.

And then like, yeah, and then he felt better. Coming down the stairs, she's just like, just like phase first, like letting Tower of P's are down. Yeah, like when someone's like, it's like someone had tied your hands behind your back and pushed you forward. She's like, I got this. Hey, guys. Oh, man. It's so exhausting.

I know. It's fucking, it is hard work. On a lighter note, though, one of you, I did notice, and I'm going to ask you about this, because when we went away together earlier this year, Oscar allowed you to push him onto waves on a surfboard. He won't allow me because he, I think sometimes I can be a bit hard on him because I demand perfection. No, because I think he just felt more comfortable not being with me doing it.

it. He was way more like, it was way more chill with you. I think he felt too much pressure doing it with me. You need another parent to do it. Yeah, because I was like, but then I saw on the weekend, first of all, my first gripe is, what is that foamy that you're working with? That we found that in the house. That was like, left over. Give me, give me another one of your boards. I've got a new, I got a blue one coming. Or when's it coming? I should be here next week. Really? Yeah. I've got that, bringing out a new model. It's the same model, but different color. We'll leave the details in the show notes. Yes. For those of you are wondering what we're talking about last year I did a custom

foamy, okay, I redoing it again in a different colour way because they stole my colour away for another board, that's how good it was. I would, I would, if I may have one, I'll give you a shout out of course, I'll help promote it. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. Actually, I prefer Mali to do it because she's shredding.

I saw, you're like, she was so happy and then you showed a video of, and it happens, nose diving, and I thought that's got to be the end of it. Give us an update on the surfing. Matt took his kid surfing and she nosed dive and I wanted to know how it's going. So do you remember I spoke about that dad?

I was doing a drop off after the birthday party. And there's a dad that I met who we just clicked. I don't want to hear about it. Okay. Yeah, Ash got really jealous. But what? So his daughter is in Marley's great. And he is a great surfer.

His daughter is also, sorry, sorry. He's not as good as you. It's like someone, it's like me meeting a dad and going, he's got a really great song. It's called Happier Dog. That would hurt. Yeah. I can, I can, I can.

Yeah. So Marley all of a sudden is very interested in surfing because her friend in a class does it all the time. Oh, good for her. And so then on the weekend they messaged and said, hey, great conditions on Saturday. It's beautiful weather, like a little tiny wave. And they're like, does Molly want to come down? We'll go for a surf together. And I was like, great.

I'll grab my wetsuit. Marley was keen. She had a wet suit as well. I was like, this is great. She was pumped. It's awesome. Also, like, nice to spend some time with that dad. Is it?

Impressive. Is it really? But the only issue was... We're starting a podcast. I grabbed what I thought was my wetsuit. Oh. But it was actually the top wetsuit or my spearfishing wet suit, which has a hood. That hobby that you did once.

And then that has like a little nappy satchel that ties around your crunch and it has no legs. You didn't wear it? And so, well, I got there and now we're in the water. They're like, come in. The water's great. And mine, it was like, come on, Dad. What are you doing? And I was like, pulled out my wetsuit.

top and I was like, fuck. So all I had was my DTs and then like a wetsuit top with a hood. And I was like, I was like, geez, he's in budgies. Yeah. This guy not feel the cold. So then I was like, there was a tiny little way where there's a few surfers out there. And I was like, that's going to be fucking weird if I go out there with no pants on and a wet suit top. Funny though.

And then I was like, so maybe I'll just, and the DTs I had were the bright pink ones with your face on it. Even better. So I was like And he's trying to impress his new dad So I'm trying to impress this new dad Yeah he has to impress me It's on your crutch first He was like, who's that?

And I was like, it's not important So I had to go out there And also, there are 32 those ones They're fucking tiny those DTs So I'm wearing these tiny pink DTs out there And I'm like, yay Go Molly And he was like

Oh, aren't you bit cold? And I was like No sugar in your assail that's what my first thought I was like I was like oh he goes Mali what the fuck is that wearing

oh no I'm there naked just like God got any pants off everyone out there is in like a full leg full arm wet suit yeah bro it's winter I know good hey honestly

that's a dad commitment right there you could have been like oh I forgot I'll watch from I'll watch from here but no you fucking ripped your shirt off persevered

he didn't really he was like I'm just gonna surf over here Yeah, do you guys know they can hurt? And I was like, wait for me. So how did she go? Very cold, very cold. She got two waves and don't know if she loved it.

Were she stoked with her getting two waves? You know, it was great to have a bit of time just out there on the board. Yeah. You know, just out there in the water. That's been one of your goals to like get out there with Mali. Yeah, it is for sure. And then she was like, I'm getting a bit cold and I was very conscious not to like push it.

I was like, once you call it, let's go in and also, I'm fucking freezing. I'm the sort of goes like, you're not going until you catch one wave. I want to see a 10 point ride. But like, this is really bad, but I was like, if you catch five ways, leave you 10 bucks. Two bucks a wave. I'll do that for you. We actually got this as a Dota dilemma.

It was like, do you pay your kids money for like getting a try or getting a wave or something like that? Sometimes they just, like, I know she's going to like it. She just needs to have like a bit of a push to get them. Yeah. Someone messaged me. they were like, I said to my kid, if he scores a goal, he gets a packet of Pokemon cards.

You're like, he could not stop fucking scoring goals. Right? Louis gets a dollar per try from his popper. Right? They just, I know, I'm sure Jen right now, Jen, New York would be like, have I not taught you nothing, you fucking idiots? Also, her books right behind us. She's put little cameras and microphones in there.

I know. And I'm like, if Marley does well, I give her cocaine. And it's really worked. We're more of a meth family ourselves. I remember when I was a kid and I used to, bodyball with all my friends younger and then I hit a certain age. Dad never pushed me because he wanted to do his hobby without me probably, which I understand because sometimes it's like,

if Oz's going to do it, it's going to be like, I'll surf when it's big and stuff, but I try and surf with him as much as possible and it's small. Do you know what you said before, Ash, before we started recording, which... It's not a hobby as a lifestyle. Really, that's also what you say,

and that's very true. But you said, people focus on the task, not the reward. Yeah. And I think that applies to both. adults and kids because sometimes Marley will be like, I don't want to put

the wet suit on, I don't want it, the water's cold. She's so focused at the task being hard work that I'm like, yeah, but once you're like catching a wave, that's the reward, you're going to love it. But she doesn't see that. She just sees all the roadblocks in between. Yeah, Oscar does the same with Jiu-Jitsu. He's like, I don't want to go today, even though he fucking loves it

and he's so good at it. And the Brazilians are like adopted as an Oscar Delahoya. That's a Mexican name. Close. Felipe. Oscar Felipe wicks But they were always like Keep him going

Because he's just, you know And I still have to have that battle with him Because he sees the task And he's a bit nervous about the task He's anxious because he cares But I'm always like Think about the reward after And how you feel

And when he bounces down the stairs On the way out every time And sometimes you just need to give those kids A little bit of a push Yeah Matt, it's time for one of our favorite segments. It's lies. Tell me lies.

Tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lie. Tell me lie. Matt, this segment parenting lies, parents, send in their lies. Little white lies they tell their kids. And this is thanks to Omo and Omo Capsules, specifically. When life gives you laundry, keep up with capsules. And I will say, a lot of these lies have helped me out of a lot of messy situations.

So thank you, Dota's. the reminder, Ash, that we will be picking the best lie of this batch to win a prize pack from Omo. And Omo Price Pack, if you will. I wish I was getting that. Do you want to go first or Mee? You go first because that's long.

Okay, okay. This is from Jenna, Jenna with a J. I know Matt was talking about the girls watching the family vloggers on YouTube. Those family vloggers. Yeah, they've, now they've fucking crossed over to Netflix. I know. My son used to watch a similar one, or it could

have been the same. Vania mania kids. Sounds awful. They all sound awful. Block their channel and when my son asked where they went, I said they got put in jail and can't make videos anymore. That's genius. Also a little hectic.

They killed someone. They killed someone. It was murder. I think it stamps a solid message to these children. Yeah. Don't be like that or you'll go to jail. Like Vlad and Mickey, they're going to murder their parents one day, so they'll end up in jail. They've been, they're like in a cage, I reckon.

Anyway, moving on. Susan, if you whinge too much, your bum falls off. No one wants that. No one who wants that. And what do we hate, winging kids? How do you solve it? The fear of your asshole falling off. And they do love a bit of bum humour.

So, they're a bit of funny one in there too. Yeah, they're like, ha-ha. Yeah, wait. Ha-ha. Hang on a second. Shela. My Shela. S-H-A-Y-L-L-A.

Love your name. Shout out, Shayla. My Shailer. We went through a bad tooth, brushing, phase, so told our daughter every time she doesn't brush her teeth, it's one less dollar she gets from the tooth fairy. Safe to say she's not missed one since. That's good.

I mean, it also keeps having to go to the dentist, so. I'm telling you, the sugar bugs, though, go with the sugar bugs. Yeah, they're catching on. The sugar bugs will eat the teeth. Got to get rid of them with the toothbrushing. Very good. The sugar bugs. Good.

I like a line that makes kids do things that they don't want to do. Always. Here's one for you. We had a Jen-R. Now we have a Gem R. Oh, geez, Louis. Louise, what are the chances? I'll tell you right.

What a day. Like this down on the calendar. That's enough for me today. That's just capped off. Such a great day, guys. What to expect. And it's a J, not a G. I can't believe it.

Yeah, I can't. The next name, it's like the pokey. China. Gemma said, told my boys, if they continue to misbehave, they'll grow horns. What? Now, every time they are intentionally misbehaving, they touch their head to make sure the horns haven't started to protrude.

But also, you know, when like, you're like, oh, fuck, they're coming. You know, you feel it? It's just a bump. Like when someone's got nits in your, and you scratch, you start itching. Sometimes the mind is so strong. I know. The boys are like, oh, fuck, one's coming. I like it.

Last one. Name is Rebecca. No, there's two more. Oh, fuck. Two more to go. This is my last one. This is Matt's last one. Just letting the listener, the doters know that this is my last lie for this record.

from Rebecca. Hello, Rebecca. That was a lie you told about being a last lie. I know. So what is true? Who knows? That's just what this segment's about. Hey, it'd get messy without these lies.

Without omocapsules. In the segment. Very good. Very good. If the red flag is out the front of McDonald's restaurants, it is a signal to parents that they are out of food. Parents are getting crafty. For those of you who don't know, the red flag,

is of course the McDonald's flag, which is always flying. Why do they have a flag? Do other countries have... If you're listening in America, there's more McDonald's than people over there. They don't have that many flags. It's not needed. At what point is it half-mast? Why do they even have any flag?

Very patriotic. It was nicer when I was working at Maccas and I could like, who wants to get the flags bringing me in? I'll be like, I'll do it because I'll take forever. Celeste? The last one for these episodes. Celeste? A. It could be.

No, I think it's Celeste with an E at the end? It's a less day. Yeah, let's go with that. Mummy needs to charge. So a little extra sleep in the morning is necessary today. So that's the lie to get the sleep. Mummy needs to charge your batteries a little bit more. I like that.

It's not a lie, though. That's true. That's definitely a lie. Us parents are all tired out here. What battery is mummy charging? That's what I really want to know. The next line says, choose a winner. Let's go with a toothbrushing one.

I think that's hygienic and helpful. and not messy. So who was that? Jenna, Gemma. Shailer! No. I know, we've got like 12 jemmers in there. No, I, yeah, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like that I like Shaila because she also said that it gives you one less dollar. So she's saving the parents money as well. Shaila! My Shaila! So congratulations, you have won a Omo prize pack. What's in it? I don't know. Outro.

Thanks. I just read what I was going to rent. How are your brainworks sometimes it's not an auto queue. Go fuck yourself, San Diego. Thanks again to OmoCapsules for sponsoring this segment of parental lies, Dirty Dad's edition.

Find it in store, leading retailers, and use as directed. And remember, Ash, keep it out of sight and or reach of children. And I will, Again, I will reiterate, without these lies, our life would be a mess. Thanks to Omo.

Now, Alatro. I think we should get out. We've kept Vicky long enough. What's wrong with that? No, it's just, it's, uh, you're like narrating where we're out in the podcast. I know. And now it's time for the farewells. Do you know how we...

So thanks so much for joining us on this episode. Do you know how tired I'm going to be when I get home? I'm fucking exhausted from all this. We have done three this week. And then we turned all the lights off from the cameras. And we sent our farewells to each other. We walk down to the garage. Into the basement.

It's very echoey down there. If you've enjoyed this episode. No funny business. Please, for the love of God, subscribe to us. Please. I'm sweating. Give us a review.

Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or follow us on the social medes. On the social meads. Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, the group, join that, whatever. YouTube shorts. Did it just get bright in here? It's just a ray of light in your life.

I need to get out of here. Yeah, the light's got. that you're not rating the episode now oh and don't forget uh the oracle is back i'm talking about jen muir yes she has a new presenter either said yeah and welcome back now she has a new book out about boundaries which is something we all need in our lives or do we we'll find out when monday monday yeah that was a great chat she's very fun i love when she comes back she's the best and it's a great episode and you'll love it we promise bye goodbye goodbye two doting dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and

community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.