Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #263 Penis Slang and Phallic Toys

Episode Date: September 22, 2026

This week Ash has brought a brand new slang term to the pod and naturally, it’s all about the word penis. Now we just need to see if anyone else is actually willing to use it. Ash also shares a few of the things that have helped him stay off the booze before turning his attention to the far more pressing issues of Oscar’s new haircut and how a seven-year-old somehow has enough money to pay for the family’s streaming services. Over in Bondi, Matt's forking out big bucks for toys Poppy keeps grabbing, while simultaneously threatening to declare war on his street over the ongoing saga that is Tree-Gate. And finally, there’s the intimacy challenge… which has Matt completely stumped and Ash thoroughly grossed out. ______________________________________________________________________________ If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Do you know what I was listening to, which was putting me in the mood for summer? I'll play it. So we all get really pumped up. Does this feel like summer? Feels like summer. Don't preempt it, though. What do you mean? Because it's meant to go back to 15 degrees.

But I'm going to enjoy today. I'm going to enjoy every fucking second of this. It's too hot out there. Hey. And then it's cold. It's too cold. What's your ideal temperature? What would make you perfectly happy?

23. Okay. Okay. Well, let's just check what it is right now. It's probably more than that. Okay. Let's have a look. It is currently, currently, oh my gosh. Yeah, but it feels like. Where's the feels like? Where's it? It was hot out there. I was hot. Feels like 23. Okay. Yeah, that's not right. You're right now. I'm not. You're in heaven. I'm not. Enjoy it. Well, it feels more like hell.

Enjoy it. Two dotting dads, I am Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parents. It is the good, it is the bad. And they're relatable. And we don't give advice. I've stumbled across a new saying. Hit me. Whenever something is just a little bit too difficult, it's like, oh, that's penis. I love it.

It's too hard. I love it. Not sure if you heard the groan in the corner. But we can't be saying that as grown men, can we? Yeah. Are the kids saying that? Are you going to say that? Or is it?

That's way too penis? Or that is penis? That's penis. That's way too penis. That's penis. It's not really doing us any favours. It's so penis. For people thinking that we're gay and all of a sudden we're like, oh, that is so cock.

That's so throbbing cock. That's so cock and balls. It's giving off throbbing member. It's happened. The gay. I know. I woke up. This morning, it was penis to get out of bed.

Amen. I'll tell you right now. It was hard. And not just my penis. Who's actually using it though? Me. Who is... Okay, I made it up.

I'm running with it. It's mine. No, I don't know. Do you know what? Can I just, for a second, lay claim to a saying that I came up with when I was 19. And for a period in Brisbane, people were saying it. Okay, are you saying you pioneered a thing? I think I may have said this on the pot already.

But I used to say something was really good. That was cheddar. Cheddar cheese. Cheddar cheese. Yeah. So how good is cheddar cheese? We used to have paper. That's paper.

That's paper. What do you mean? This nice clean, crisp heat or white a4-8-4-8-0. I love that. Thank you. I love that. To the kids who are listening? You're welcome.

Before we do go on, we want to do a little shout-out to a video editor, Ness. Little Nessie. She's been a bit crook lately. Ness, we miss you. We hope you're doing well. Hope you're recovering. I'm sure she's not listening to the podcast. She's like, the last thing I need is those.

She's already got to edit this. Like, imagine she's like, oh, I just need to relax. Let me just put the boys in my ear. Oh, my God. We've given her the week off. I didn't okay that. No, I did. I did.

She is unwell. So get better soon. We want you back fighting fit. Now you may notice we are wearing. Now you might have noticed. Vicks show. She's just like, give us the notes. Well, to be honest, we need it.

I know. We're like fucking stray brumbies in the field. Doing this podcast is penis. She's, Oh, then. Well, look. Who came. rolling back.

I want an apology right now. That was funny. And I want to, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I'm sorry I ever doubted you. And I bet you she gets home and she goes, I'm going to be saying that no one's ever heard before. It's mine.

And you keep, Louis's going to love that. You're going to be like, yeah, it's penis and Dan's like mine's not. You may have noticed. Well, the single person watching on YouTube may have noticed. And Vic.

And Vic. And also on social media. We are wearing. something very special on our heads. Penises. They're hats. A new invention. They're not four skins.

They're hats. We need to get penis off the mind. Everyone just give us one last penis joke. They're never going to end. You're going to be doing. That's what the penis said. Oh, okay. All right.

So we've got brand new hats. We have three. There is the school run racing club hat, which Ash is sporting right now. Ash is modelling. I have the doting hat and then Vic will have the pebble one. Yeah, please. She will, yeah.

I did see. Look, let's just call it out. Let's get ahead of the news story. I saw that the Xanarove hat made a comeback on their socials, the exact what we've created, nearly what we've created. Don't plant the seed for what we've done. Ours is no dates. They're similar, but I noticed.

We designed a hat and it just somehow happens to be similar to the another hat that's been designed. That's two, remember the must be nice hat. It's fucking hard. Everything's been done. Everything's just a copy. Yeah, but that's, it's not. Deligant reasons?

That is a joke. Also, we made this hat and then we saw that hat. And that's similar, but it's different. It is different. But I noticed that it's making resurgence. I saw one video yesterday and I was like, oh, yeah. Delete. We will put them up on our socials and we will put some photos up that.

We are available on our website as well. Two dottingdardys. dot com are we going to how much we're going to sell them for two thousand dollars thirty five five yeah go on thirty five yeah or two for seven i will just say and i this is not me trying to give you like the marketing spiel there are not many hats okay so if you are thinking about buying a hat let me just recommend that you jump online you buy it now or you will be disappointed that's your go-to sales movie there's not a couple it's true there's two massive boxes out there shut the fun

I mean, they're tiny boxes. We're sitting right. We're recording from a shipping container of hats. Yes. They're with the calendars from last year. All the year before. Yes. We look,

we've, but there are thousands of dotas. There are not thousands of hats. That's what he's trying to say. Thank you. Thank you, Vic. Well said. Very good.

Very good. So don't miss out. There's only a couple. If you're disappointed, I don't want to fucking hear it. I'm just letting you know. Yeah, yeah. I don't set it up to face.

No, no. I'm just saying. You get what you get and you don't get upset. But if people, if we say you got to buy a hat or they'll sell out, and then in a week's time, people are like, I missed out on a red hat. I'm like, too bad. I don't fucking care.

I warned you. I warned you and you ignored me. So that's your- See it, sister. I thought you meant if you're disappointed in the hat. Even so. Even so. I bet whenever he said, I'm going with it.

Actually, I need to just put it out there. I'm dealing with it. right now at home. I don't know if you will be able to sympathize with me, Vic. I don't know if you will be either. My fridge and freezer has broken. Again. Thank you.

Yes. Do you have the ice chest like not that long ago? It's re-broken. But can I just fucking say right now? And I don't want to get angry on this podcast, but I will. The reason that it breaks is that the freezer drawer, the bottom of the fridge freezer section, the freezer doesn't seal that well. Even though it's like a fucking 12 months old, it doesn't seal.

and people get stuff out, they don't close it properly, it's slightly ajar, then the frost builds up. It's in the intake. When you do close it, it freezes over, stops working. The fridge can't hack it. And so every fucking night, I go to bed, I check it, and it's slightly ajar. And I go to Laura, I got to Nana, and I'm like, you all need to pay close attention to the freezer right now.

This is not a joke. Buster's like, my plan is working. Yeah. This is such a dad gripe. I know. I'm waiting. throw out there. You sure it's not use the error? Someone did say, did you put the drawer in back the front?

And I was like, let me church. So yesterday, I look at the freezer in the morning and it's a jar. And I was like, I open it. Fucking frost. It's like fucking Antarctica going there. Frost is everywhere. Frost is in the intake. It's a disaster.

It's a debacle. And so then I'm like, I know it's going to break. It's going to break. I know I close it. What happens? It fucking breaks. And I know that Laura got a red container out. She was the last person.

The red container was a jar, so it didn't close with the red container. And I'm like, I've got to now empty the whole fucking fridge and freezer, get Eskis, get ice, let it defrost, fucking then clean up all the water that's the, it's just. It's a lot of admin. That's a fuck, thank you. Inspector Matthew on the case. There are people out there that don't have freezers. I needed that, thank you. Just to put your life in perspective.

You're right. But it is very annoying. I wish I didn't have a fucking fridge and freezer because it's just been nothing. Honestly, live off the land. You should live off the land from now on. It does kind of feel like we're camping. Again. Because when you need milk...

In North Bondi. If you need milk, go out to the Esquist. If you need milk, just go out to the golf club. It's across the road. But people who have drawers for their freezer section... Yeah, go to me. Just know that I understand what you're going through. Mine seem to be working fine.

You got drawers? Yeah, I've got a double drawer. It's an open, double drawer. You're a drawer freezer man? demand and you've given me no fucking sympathy. Can I just say when your freezer breaks and it will? Because I know how to use mine. I am fucking giving you nothing.

Okay. When you come crying to me, don't expect this shoulder to be resting your cheek. A big difference might be here. Is yours a door than a drawer? It's a drawer. It's a draw, double draw. Yeah, okay. So there's no, there's no door though.

It's just the door is the drawer. The door is a drawer. Okay, the drawer is the door. Ah. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-draw, draw, the door is the door. Talk to me I've got door then draw So I can't

I can't sympathize with you Consider yourself lucky Well I would say That you probably need to be a bit more diligent With closing it You want to fucking call Laura and Nana I am the door police Yeah

Yeah but that's what I meant Not I met the house in general Like you're doing your part By trying to try and trying to stay on top of it Thank you But obviously you're outnumbered There's only so much one man can do What are you going to do

Park up next to the fridge and every time someone used to be like, I sleep. You should lock it. I need to get a lock. Vic, what do you have? What's your freezer drawer?

I've got the same. I thought everyone had the draw. But yeah, we've got drawers and then the door. So you've got draw then door. No, we'll say. Door than draw. Okay, let's just get this.

Door than draw. Double draw. Door than draw. Correct. No draw than door. And I just think you, you door draw people. Yeah. We're better than you.

You have no sympathy. Yeah. You have no sympathy. For those of us who are struggling out there, you had a choice. I feel like that's a really, it's a terrible model. Thank you. Westinghouse, sorry.

If they ever want to sponsor the pod, fuck you, you've sold me a lemon fridge freezer. Because for us, the door. The door can't shut if you have a drawer that's slightly ajar. So it actually stops that problem ever happening. And, oh. Does yours not beep?

It doesn't beep. Does not beep. You're like we're spending a lot of time on the door drawer free. Let's move on. Okay. I would say, just get in your fridge. End off. I don't know if you want to try this.

Actually, you don't need to try this because you and April, you're like rabbits. Easy on. You're like, you're like, you're like, I just had sex. Is this next conversation going to be about fucking? Well, Laura and I, I think they're doing an experiment on life on cut. We are doing a 30-day intimacy challenge where the rule is every day you need to kiss for six seconds. Oh, that sounds horrible. I know this morning.

She was like, kiss me. And I hadn't brushed my teeth. So I was like, you don't want this. And she was like, it's the challenge. And I was like, believe me. this thing's been fermenting all the light. You don't want to get into this. So then I was giving her a peck and she was like,

fuck, open your mouth. Oh, and the kids were like, what are you doing? She was like, love me and I was like, I'm trying. So for 30 days of that. Yeah. And it's like, are there other options? No, no. So they're like.

What's on the menu? Six second kiss. Six second kiss. Six seconds. Nice. Six seconds. How many days in are you? This is day one.

And we've failed this morning. And you're over it. So we've got to try. You got tonight. Why force it? Just give you a nice little kiss goodbye. Because I think it's like the gym. Sometimes you just got to force it.

Do you? No, you get an injury. Huh? You'll get an injury if you force it. I just feel like... You're coming with lip injury. I just feel like sometimes it's easy not to give time to those little moments of intimacy. And sometimes, even though you're rushing out the door, you have to like, take a moment.

And you have to like give it the time that it deserves. I are completely agree. with the thought around it 100%. But I think putting pressure on being a six second kiss, why is the barrier to enter so high? Like, why can't it be a nice, have a nice day, I'm off to work, a nice affectionate kiss. I'm looking you in the face, we'll do it after.

And then when I get home, same thing. But like, you're putting time on it, the barrier to entry seems like that's a tough. Do you kiss April goodbye? Yeah. How? Show me. With my mouth, bro.

Show me. Just like, no. What am I going to choose. Kiss your hand. No. Show me. I'll kiss my knee. Show you like, how do you like, like, like, bye babe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, but it's, it's, oh, yuck, don't do that. Okay. Are you saying six seconds is a high barrier? Yeah. Six seconds? Yeah, okay. Do a six second kiss.

What do you do? Seriously, that's a lot. How often, how often, how? Eight seconds? We're talking six. No, I mean like a, like, if I was like a, if I was saying like you guys did a hang upside down. to lock, then kiss for 10 seconds whilst upside down, hanging from the balcony.

That's high barrier. Yeah. Okay, but I'm just what I'm saying. Six seconds and you're like, when would we have time for that? Exactly. How is it made? His exact words were, ooh. Yeah, ooh, ooh, indeed.

I think putting that much pressure on it. Who's counting? What are you like? All right, ready? Ready? Ready? I'm counting in my head. I can't on my head.

I can't go. One, two, three, four, five, six. That's a fucking long time for a kid. Unless it's going to lead to more, I think. I think if it's like, hey, I like the idea of make sure you give you a kiss before you leave the house. Love that. A kiss goodbye and a kiss hello.

I would prefer that over six seconds. It's not my challenge. So there's no need to shout at me. That was it, Laura. Thank you. Laura, if you're listening. You're putting too much pressure on my man here. Thank you.

You are benefiting from this challenge, though. No, you're not. You're really not. You're not. You're not. I'll give you a challenge I'll give you a challenge you can benefit from God.

No. So do you guys not like kissing? Is that what it comes down to? No, not for six seconds. No, it's just morning time is like that's business hours. Yeah, got to get out of the house. We've got to get that.

Kids need to be dressed, brush their teeth. I'm not in them. Quick six seconds stop to kiss. By then the kids are like undressing themselves. It just puts us back. Yeah, the kid's like, oh, I see what's over here. They're like, quick, get away. We've got six seconds now.

We've got six seconds. They're distracted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can do it at nighttime. Poppy's like climbing the stairs by then. Who knows where she is. We've got to then try to find Poppy. Quick guys, we've got six seconds.

Cause as much damage as we can. Matt, off the back of our episode we did with April the other day. We got a lot, a lot. Man, it's overwhelming. A lot of messages. Oh, yeah. I can't go through. all of them.

However. Once again, I do need to say thank you again to you and April. I think, man, it's full on to talk about that part of your life and be as open as what you guys were. So,

yes, thank you. Yeah, thank you. And it was, last week was pretty overwhelming, if I'm honest. But that's okay.

I wanted to pick out one message here from another mat. Different Matt. Yeah, okay. Hello, I see what's happening here. It says,

kiss six seconds before reading that. This one is from Matt or a non. So many anon's out there. It's a popular name. There's a 20, 26 is the popular name for a non. The year of anon. Hey, Ash and Matt. Last night, this clip came across my feed.

I haven't listened to the pod before. Sorry, okay. That's enough for this one. You were skating on thin ice, Matt. That is not... Anon. Oh, sorry. Listen here.

Anon. You were skating on thin ice. That is not a great way to open. message. 18 months ago, I reconciled that I have a significant drinking problem and sought help and took steps that were very difficult, but had made good inroads for some time. Unfortunately, the last few months, I've noted myself regressing, preach brother. At the gym this morning, I searched your episode list and listened to the pod you did when Ash was 100 days sober. I then listened to this pod at the park with my three-year-old after dropping off my five-year-old to school. I left the park sobbing.

recognizing so much of the shame that Ash described in myself, but also full of hope that I too can start to find my way out and get back on a better path. I cried again when I described all this to my wife later today and she listened to the pod this afternoon. Yesterday I was doing this alone. Today I have the support of my wife and I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist next week. Thank you Matt for asking such meaningful and caring questions and Ash and April for sharing your

story and congratulations ash for how far you've come it's really inspiring wow we've got heaps of those sort of messages i read that one out because it of course someone saw sort of recognize some of the things i was going through and look you're going to regress for sure i mean there's times along this what am i 200 282 days wow today over that time i would say for 282 days i have thought about alcohol that's going to happen okay the regret The progressing part is tough, and it's going to be tougher going into warmer months again. Because winter, you can sort of bugger down a little bit. Yeah.

I did this year, which was different as well, which was a little bit sad in some instances, just because I felt like I was nowhere near a social, but it's just sort of an adjustment I needed to make. Yeah, it's just ingrained in us when it's like over 22 degrees. Everyone's like, ding, ding, ding. Terrible day to be a bit. Yeah. Just on the back of that, I just wanted to go through a couple of different tips.

and tricks. Yes. That I have, look, this has just work for me. I, because I think everyone is like, what's the secret?

Ash, tell us how you did it. Everybody wants to like, pull from you, what advice you have as someone who's, like, to get to 280 days is incredible. I have suggestions,

not advice. That's my new thing. Look, when I was looking around, like, okay, well, I want tips to help,

but it's so saturated with so many overcomplicated things. Like, and then also there's that mentality with people and stuff out there, just be like, we're just drinking moderation. Oh,

that's the fucking cure. It's not. So if someone says, you just have one or two, just answer them with sarcasm. So here's a couple of really simple things that I think that people can use. One, the 4pm distraction.

So 4pm was my trigger time. It was like everyone's home from school. I've finished pretty much what I'm doing for the day. And it's that time of day where you're like, it's sort of like a bridging time of day. right because you're not you're sort of trying to distract yourself with getting the kids unpacked from school and getting ready for what you're going to do for dinner and stuff like that really easy to fall into that between four and five if you can find a distraction between four and five from five

onwards so much easier what's your distraction my distraction is at the moment walks or i'm like i'll chuck my headphones on and just get as much housework as done in that hour and And it's like, it's hard, because I'm severely ADHD, it's half finished things. But it's, it gets done and it distract. All of a sudden, I'm finishing the kids dinner and it's still 5.36 o'clock. And I'm like, well, even if I was to sit down to have a drink now, I'm over that. I really want it. I'm sort of now, it's like, okay, well, have I earned it?

You know, so your choices become different after that. And it could be. You've kind of got the upper hand already. I kind of already got a little win because 90% of the time you'll lose that battle. And that's where I find a lot of people who message and talk to me say, I lose that battle at that time. Because that's like, for example, your willpower, right? Your willpower, it's like a battery.

All day, you spend all day using the battery from your willpower to get to that point at four o'clock where you're like, I have resisted so much. Your options are be distracted or do the habit. So really simple. Find what time. If you're like sitting there and it's three o'clock, you're trading, whatever. you finish work and you're in you're on your way home and that is your time that triggers you take a detour and go for a swim take a deed like just something i found that it was huge for me

because it was like everyone was always like do something grand every afternoon it's like just find something to distract you even if that is like i think for it's changed for me i was even doing wimhoff at like four o'clock for 30 minutes because after that 30 minutes my brain was completely taken away from that and i was thinking about something else i love that yeah so that's One. What's Wimhoff? It's just a breathing technique. It's like, because I can't meditate.

Like, some people are really great at meditating. I can't do it. Like, honestly, no one wants that. No one wants me alone with my thoughts. People who say they meditate, I'm like, you're a fucking liar. Honestly. Stop lying. Stop lying to us.

I, the times I try to meditate, I just wake up and I've just come to in a worse mood because I've just overthunk every single conversation I've ever thought about. Can they made it? Can the meditators just admit that they've been lying to us all since the beginning? I feel some people can really switch up. but it takes a certain person. Yeah. Anyway, not me.

So Wimhoff is a good one. It might sound woo-woo and shitty, but do it. Try it. Especially if you pass out, it's great. Is that the square box breathing? No, that's box breathing. Wimhoff is like 30 in an hour and then you're holding on the exhale for X amount of time.

It's really good. You should try it. The other one, this is a fucking must have in your house. And it's cheap. Soda stream. Honestly, spicy water, save you. Yeah. First of all, you've got something in your house.

hand, especially that four o'clock, five o'clock, got something in your hand. But if you can make it as fucking spicy as possible, you'll get the back of the throat sensation you would get from that alcohol. The only you really notice. When you say spicy, do you mean bubbly? Yeah. You want it real bubbly. Yeah.

And like, sometimes I just put lemon juice straight in it. Really, I'm like, pwoh! It's good. You'll be a bit of chilling in there, no. You could? You could. Ginger. Bit of tequila, some salt on the rewind.

Ash, you're drinking margaritas. Am I? I said I quit beers. Well, I was curious about that. So, like, what about zero beer? Would that be too tempting or? Everyone's different, okay? Everyone's different.

I have had zero beers before when I have quit, but it felt like I was just getting rid of the fun part of it. If that makes ends. It's like, I'm pretty much... You're like masturbating and not coming. Yeah, exactly right. Sorry, I went there, sorry. No, I couldn't have said it any better myself.

That's good. Thank you. It's been a while. It was just like... Okay, third one. It's just, it is endorphins. Like, whatever at any point during the day gets some endorphins. The earlier, the better.

And like... For you, what did that entail? For me, I look, and my bonus point here will sort of make more sense than this. I didn't want to go and quit alcohol and just be like, oh, I'm going to become an athlete. Because you know, you try and distract yourself with that. Which I think it's a good distraction.

You could do the 4BN thing and go, you know what, I'm going to have a little run. Or I'm going to go for a swim. Get it for a walk or whatever. But so many things are like, so many of your problems can be fixed with just a walk. And it's like, yeah, okay. It is actually fucking true. Like when I walked to a waterfall the other day, I was like, I love life.

I love life. I'm here. But like, it's just something simple. And I just put in, you don't have to do it. You don't have to raw dog it. Chuck in your favorite album at the time. Tudor and dad. Chuck in your podcast.

Chuck in Tudan Dutton Dats. Not that YouTube though. And then, yeah, my bonus one was don't try and fix all your problems at once. Yeah. Again, I so many times I've tried to quit or give up our golf for a certain amount of time. And you do, and everyone does the same thing. They're like, I'm going to quit, but I'm going to go to the gym every morning at 5 a. I'm going to eat healthy.

Try and fix every problem. I'm going to learn. Portuguese. Yeah, well, I did that. But the first two weeks, I didn't exercise at all. I just was like, you know what? I'm going to eat. Orio City. I'm going to eat. I'm going to eat. And then I started to do it slow instead of, because I know every other time I had done it and you sort of scare yourself into the easier option because you're like, oh, I go to the gym like four more times this week. Yeah. You don't. You're just telling yourself you have to do that because you've given up something else. But if you just concentrate on giving up one thing and not trying to fix every.

problem you have because you've probably got shit loads of problems. Just concentrate on the one problem. I love it. Anyway, thank you for sharing your wisdom. I didn't want to be too woo-woo. That was not woo-woo. In fact,

I wanted more woo-woo. Oh, sorry. Next time. That was great. Very good. Thank you, Ash. Thank you for coming.

Thank for being here. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. All right. I'm off. Ash, really quickly, you know,

we have been talking about getting behind more paid parental leave for both moms and dads. We're driving people to the petition. We're going to put that link in the show no notes, we can get behind it. We're at 1,600. Vic, what's our goal? Is it 3,000? 2,500. 5,500. Well, 900 away.

Yeah. That's fast math. Thank you. My maths is so bad. It's not completely accurate. But I just want to share one quick story that we got from a listener, a Dota. My name is Ellen. And she said, this is seriously life-changing.

I'm a dual citizen of Australia in Denmark. In Denmark, the 12 months of parental leave has existed. Forget this. 40 years. Fuck, they were ahead of the game. We're just behind. Mate, it's crazy. So far behind.

We only just got internet down here. They're scandos. They're under something. They've got, they have like, live in, you get live in nannies and everything in some Scandinavian countries, like just as a... Free university? Free university? They're just doing everything better.

Fuck. Highest rates of happiness and success, intelligence in the world. Why are we just like... But do they have a big rock? in the middle of their country. No, you're right. They are Vikings, though. Anyway, she continues to say here.

And at 12 months, it's with full pay from your employer. And then three months being mandatory for the father. So both parents have bonding time. I had my daughter in Australia in 2021. An experience of financial stress associated with fighting to stay home with her for 12 months was so traumatic that she moved back to Denmark to have a next child. That's wild. It's crazy how far behind we are.

But then also we're further ahead than places like America. Like, you're like, what? You want to have a day off because you're about to give birth? Do it on your desk. So she says, thank you for doing such amazing work. Remind her to go sign the petition, get behind this cause, because for the parents of the next generation, they're going to benefit so much from this.

Yeah, and we'll leave the link in the notes of this show. Jump on. Fight the good fight. That's what I was there. a good fight because parenting is penis. Parenting is penis. It is a big old penis. Don't say that too loud at the park with the kids. No. Breaking news. Vic, what do you got for us?

Well, is this a case of not everyone should become parents? A Perth Dad has been charged after footage of his toddler driving a youth around their neighbourhood was found on social media. The video shows the three-year-old sitting unrestrained with his hands on the wheel as the high luck swerves from side to side while a man laughs in the background.

The 30-year-old dad who uploaded the video has since been arrested and charged with reckless driving to appear in court next month. I'm sure his wife is effing furious. Could you imagine? I can't do anything anymore. Was he sitting on his lap? Yes. You've got to see this footage.

I used to do that. On the main road? I used to do it down Gondola Road in Narrabeen when I was a kid. Is that like a little back street though? It's not like the... Top Pitwater Road. Who was driving? Dad?

What the fuck was he thinking? And it was a company car. Woo! He would put... That is reckless. I was on his lap. I don't know if I was even dry. I was definitely on his lap.

I remember. When was that? That's the 90s. I mean, we do it with the tractor at the farm. Like, but that's kind of a novelty. How do you judge this man, Vic? You're going very slow, but have a look at the vision because it's pretty hectic. To be fair, the kid was doing a pretty good job for three.

Well, the dad was like, Oh my God, this is all you. Yeah, how dare he get in trouble for it? No, you should, no, you should see how much it was swimming. It looks like. He almost drives into a front yard. It looks like, I don't know. I don't know if this vision's been sped up, but he's fucking hit with some pace.

Oh, that's obviously on the, on the accelerator, though, and the brake. He's definitely using his knees. That's good gear. I don't have a problem with it. It's a lot of dreams. Look, dangerous. Dangerous. Baz!

Fucking Bazz! I know, Baz is going to... That's all you, Baz! I think, I'm... Yeah, Barry! If you're calling you three-year-old Baz, that's the first mistake. No, that's a cracker name.

Baz? It's pretty Barry or something? There's little baby Barry. Sir, what would you have to call him? Ah, fucking... Call him Baz. Buzz. Put him in the U. Not in the back, in the front seat.

He's driving. I'm naming him after my land cruiser. Bazz. We used to have a long driveway, and we would on that driveway be allowed, a dirt little driveway back in Brisbane, Brookfield, here you go. Bazz.

My name is Bazz. We were allowed to drive up the driveway, sitting on Mum's lap. And how old? That was, oh, 30. I think, I think. Yeah, I remember six or seven. Yeah, I, I didn't.

Filming it and uploading it to social media. And we were going so slow. None of, I mean, Ellie, he was very responsible there. You can hear that. the car the car's yeah that thing was hooking well because the other thing is he's obviously filming and holding so like

his attention's on the phone as like as well as the road like and also why would you post that to social also I don't want to attack a group of people and group them all together and say you're all the same but Perth people no way you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Like am I surprised he's from Perth not really

no not really I'm surprised someone didn't say it earlier. I think that's just another day in the office for people in Perth. Perth people are lovely. The Perth doters are so lovely. I get a lot of messages. Do you reckon Baz's parents, listen? If you are the parent of Baz and you've been charged,

we'll want to talk to you. Or the wife, if he still got one. We want to talk to either of you. I mean, Matt's attacking Perth. I'm not. No, you jump behind me. No, I'm on the... Vic convinced me.

There's good people in Perth. Yeah, I've only ever been once. I know. It's just, it's just. It is a country town. I mean, yeah, you're right. Majority of Perth people are lovely. I do like them all.

How many of you met? It's those who drive high lucks and call their kids bads. Bads. Okay. Thank you, Vick. Yo, very well. Does it make you feel better about your husband when you see that footage, Vic? The bar is low.

He's not my husband, Matt. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Did you hear that, Dan? Yeah, I don't think Dan would ever do that. You think? I don't think he'd ever do that. I'd love it if we called him right now. And he's like, one sec.

He got, Louis, it's all you. Matt, I've got some breaking news of my own. Go, hit me. Oscar has a new haircut. And yours truly. Did it? Did it. Wow.

I want to show you both sides of his head. Okay. And see what you think. Okay. Here's the first side. Can I just ask, before you show me, did you have to convince him to do this? Or did he ask you to do this?

He asked me to do this. He asked me to do this. And I was like, hell yeah, boy. First side. Oh my gosh. It's a lightning bolt. He shaved at the side of his hand. Okay.

Okay. Swipe to the next one. Oh, speed stripes. On the other side. What's a speed stripe? I'll show you. Wow. He was like, Dad, I want the lightning bolt on the side of my head.

I was like, I'll say last son. And then he was like, okay. What did April say? Why did you do that? Why does it be boys? Let us do a thing. I would have coloured it if I had some colour. Yeah, I don't hate it.

It's not the worst hair cut I've ever seen. She, would you do it with just a little handheld? It's a long racing stripe. How fast are you going to go? Are you going to get matching ones? Yeah, like it? Come on, man. A little kid.

Show Vic. I would come over and give Louis. one of you like. Is it not very Bondi? Oh. Coming from someone who has an investment property in Bondi. How many investments do you got in Bondi? It's not about me, bro.

It's about me. It's cute. Do you know what? When you're that age, I mean, it's fine to look silly, isn't it? He's become very self-sufficient. He likes to think. What do you mean? I think, he thinks he's older than he is.

The other day, right? It was sitting down and he was like, I was like, let's watch a movie or whatever. He's like, yeah, okay, great, let's watch a movie. Anyways, sifting through the movies and the new Mario Galaxy movie comes up. And he was like, I want to watch this? I was like, oh, you can't.

Because you've got to pay for it. $6.99. He was like, I was like, you can't, you got to pay for it, so you're not going to watch it. I think and I was out of it. A couple minutes later, he walks up to me and he fucking plop $7 in my hand, doesn't he? I don't hate that.

Oh, go Oscar. And he was like, you know what. impressed. You know what to do. All right up. Keep the change. I was like, fuck, too shay. Where do you get it from?

Too shay. Good fucking question. Where did you get it from? And where's all my money gone? So I was like, okay. He didn't even watch it in the end. I was like, don't waste your money. It's your money.

I kept trying to make it into a lesson. But it's just like, don't waste it. This is what it feels like. It is a good lesson though because Marley, she has no comprehension, the value of coins. Like she doesn't, we don't use coins ever hardly. And so she doesn't, she just checks. Just notes.

Okay. All right. Okay. You northern beaches people. Yeah, I don't know. You're fucking backwards up there. You're still, guys,

you can use a card. I don't know. We don't have F popped in our house like you guys do. Yeah. We have electricity. We're paid in diamonds. Go on. Get up.

What are you got? No, so I'm actually. I was saying you're doing a good thing. But actually. when I think about it. You're fucked. Don't fuck yourself.

Okay, well, parenting's penis. I told him to that. But anyway. You were on the right track though, because Louis's the same. He has no concept of money. Like, if he loses something, he's like,

I'll just buy another one. He stole something from the present drawer. A Lego box. He and Oscar had been hanging out together, have they. And he was so quiet in his room. And I was like, what's that? He's like, oh, it's the helicopter from the present drawer. And so I said that's worth all of your pocket money.

What's that? Do you know what it? is or were you actually like, what is that? Were you like, what's that? This is your chance to own up. You're already answering the question for him, really. Well, Dan actually found it first, and then he told me. And Dan was more like, he's got some new Lego.

Give me a go. Give me a go. I actually had just said he's been so good playing with his Lego this morning. The one he stole. Yeah. So I tipped in front of him his whole pocket money jar into my hand and said, this is all gone now. You are ruthless.

Because it was $12. Well, okay, I know kids are, kids are young, Marley seven. Wait, kids are young. Kids are young. Oh, you're okay. I was like, yep. Thank you. That's good, that's good picker.

Good picker. But Marley has zero appreciation for water bottles. You know that one, the one that I gave her last week? Already gone. Already gone. Where? Well, she did hate that one. Yeah, so I reckon she kind of lost it on purpose.

But she's just constantly, she has gymnastics on a Monday. And so they take the water bottle to gymnastics. And then at gymnastics, I was like, when I picked her up, I go, where's your water bottle? And she goes, oh, God, yeah, I don't know. And I'm like, can you stop losing water bottles? This is just, it's costing us so much money. And she's like, what's buying another one? What's that?

I'm like, how do I make my child, maybe I need it, maybe I do need to start using currency. You do. Coins, cash. If they're like, start with the, even just the movie thing, if it's like, if it's time to watch a movie on a Sunday afternoon, just be like, yep. That costs money. Who's got the money for this one? And then you could be like, you know, what, I'll shout the first one for this week.

Pretend that you're paying for it. I'll give you an example. Go on. So Louis lost his lunchbox. Similar thing to a water bottle. Hasn't eaten since. And I said, he looks great though. There's your lesson.

Lesson, Louie. Really trimmed down. Mum, please. Money, please. I'm starving. Well, that'll learn you. Don't have to make luncheon. But I said to him, unless you find it,

that money's coming out of your pocket. money. No wonder he's stealing things. He's got none left from the Lego debacle. I'm trying to teach a lesson because he's, as I said, like he just thinks if you lose something, you replace it. Lou is going to be a notorious criminal.

Yeah, you're way. I was trying to teach him by taking everything from him. On his lunch break to the kids, he's like, give me that fucking Timmy. Give me yours. He's breaking into bags. He comes home with six lunch boxes. Hey, mum, shut up.

Look what you got. Let's not keep you happy. He started keistering things. Give us your lunch. Hey, this is going to shock you to your core. Oh, good. I could use the pep up, go. Okay.

I came home the other day, right? Parked the car and walking along the street, up into my house, up the stairs, and something catches my eye. Not the penis branch, is it? No, that's doing quite well. It grew. Yeah, it's still growing.

It's girthy, that bastard. And so a little reminder, I used to live next door to a lovely lady called Ronda, sadly. Died on the toilet. I died on the toilet, thank you. Ash. So, her nephew has come out of the woodworks. Oh, yes.

And he's laid claim to the house. You should have changed your last name to her last name. No. I don't need that property. Must be nice. I didn't need another property. And so this nephew, you seem to be quite nice. Like, when he first came in, everybody was kind of like, oh, is that?

is that the name? Because there was rumors of the nephew. So the nephew appeared. And he hasn't technically got the house just yet because it takes a while to go through the process of like saying I'm the relative. I'm entitled to it. It takes months. The cooling off period. But now he's appearing quite more frequently. He started doing some gardening, which I'm like, oh, I guess it's like nice. Like he's making sure the house is, you know, kept clean and tidy.

And he was cutting a few branches, right? And then as I was walking up the stairs. I look at my garden bed. I glance at one of my trees. Oh no. He has cut one of my trees. Okay. I think that's illegal.

Yeah. Wait, excuse me. Are you not bothered by that? What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't know. I don't know. It's like someone murdering a family pet and you're like, okay. Really?

Yeah, he's cut, Ash, one of my trees. Yeah. Okay. He has stepped onto my property. Was this tree a significant tree to you? It doesn't matter. It's not as property. I don't know.

I'm just asking. I don't know why I'm being attacked. Is that not allowed? To come into someone's property and cut their plans? Let me give you an analogy. Is it a joining? No. Was he confused?

No. No. And for the record, it wasn't one of those trees that is on the border. On the border. On the border. So it's kind of lent over. It was like well and truly. It was well and truly on my side.

The outrage level I need to be is someone is has vandalized slash destroyed your property? Yes. Now I'm with you. Okay. Just like another 20%? Outrageous!

Thank you. Fucking, it's hard. It's hard work during this podcast because someone doesn't share my outrage. This podcast is penis. It's very, maybe he needs an analogy.

I was thinking like, it would be like someone coming into your flat and chopping, and chopping down one of your walls. And there's a couple of walls I'd like to get rid of. Oh, well, this is hard. I don't have, I don't have any trees. Just be mindful of that.

Okay. It's still property though So someone has come in and vandalise my property Go on That's all I got really If I'm being completely honest Have you confronted him yet? Well I can't because he's not there

He only comes like once a month What's he done to this tree though? He's cut it down Let's just cut the whole thing down More like a branch of the tree Okay That's besides the point As long as it's not the penis branch

It may as well be the whole tree But I just think This is like this is war Does he not know Is it clear that it's on your turn? No it's clear I'll show you the footage. Have a look at this.

Are you going to confront him about it? I don't know if I'm going to confront him because like, fuck, this is... What's the point? He's a big guy. And he drives a you. Oh, do you come home on? And I just like, what... Do you want to have a trade-y off?

Get Dan. Dan, he's a big cuddly bear. Let's be honest. Yeah, he won't confront any of one. He'd just been channing up Nana drinking cups of tea. I'd be like, Dan, quick. Get the saw, get the hammer. He'd play the new tree.

And he'd be in bed with Nana. I'd be like, you know. So if I see him, I was thinking to myself, how do I raise this? If I go like, hey dude, you cut my fucking tree, why? He'd be like, because I wanted you. I'd be like, okay, thank you. Yeah, maybe you could just be like, hey, dude, just say next time you're doing some fucking landscaping, maybe stick to your own lawn.

But that's fighting words then, right? If I was you, I would assert your dominance. You outlived the neighbor before. I don't have any dominance. I outlived the neighbor before and I'll outlive you. Start with that. Cutting a neighbour's tree is illegal if you go onto their property, cross the boundary line or kill the tree,

but you can generally trim branches or roots hanging over your own property line. But the weird thing is, why this one branch? I don't understand. I don't understand what he's thinking. And it's like, it's this thing. It's obviously been sought at. Is it like, is that like a threat? I don't get it.

What's you going to do here? You need to confront him. But not a confront. Maybe just talk to say, hey, I'm not sure if you're a problem. aware, but you cut down some of my tree, bro. Does sound kind of lame when you say it like that. But I know, but it's like... I'd just be like, hey, did you cut our tree?

Okay, okay. So you own the tree? And then he goes, yeah. And then I'd be like, why did you do that? Because I fucking wanted to. But that's my property. You fucking do it again and see what happened. I know, but then...

How would you feel if I cut one of your trees? How about if I came over and fucked your wife? How about that? That's the analogy. That's the idea. There he is. That's what it's like. Oh. So, cutting it.

out of trees like coming up fucking money. Cutting your grass. Imagine if you came home and April was like, I just got a fuck by the neighbour, you'd be like, well, that's not right. That's not okay. The barrier and entry there is low. Maybe don't confront.

Maybe quiz because he might do it again thinking it's his tree. He doesn't, might not know. No, it's, you cannot. Mistaking it. It's like. I think quiz is the right word though. It's the right tone you want to take. Be like curious.

You're like, let me quiz you. Actually, if you're someone who has done this, like what was you're thinking? here. Is it like, are you, are you trying to start something? Well, maybe they're like me. He doesn't know. I just think I see a tree and I think it's free for it's cut it down. You know what's fucking weird. You know what, okay, you know what I am confused about. So Ronda, who was not quite there. Occasionally she used to be like. Yeah, she's not there at all. She was like the yuckers, because it's a yucket tree. The yuckers, they're an eyesore. And I'd be like, what do you mean,

Rhonda? And she's like, the yuckers. I hate the yuckers. I missed all of this. When did she used to, when I'd be like walking, sometimes when I walk, kids like down to take him to school she'd come out and be like you're bloody trees you're yuckers and i'm like okay ronda she's like they're disgusting what is a yucketry it's a yucketry i'll show you never heard of a yucketree i'm learning so much so and then and then when i first met him i was like oh yeah funny like and ronda used to be a bit bit crazy and she used always ever got up the yucketries and he was like okay did she now to i don't know if he's like you think he's coming up yeah i don't know if he's he's finishing her work yeah maybe she's taking the she's she's

cutting those yucket trees down from the grave. I think I'm going to let this one slide, but if he cuts anything else... Then I'm stepping up to him. Then I'm going to step up to the plate. If he doesn't, one more time and then another time after that, and maybe one more time after that, then I definitely think about might be standing up to him at some stage after that.

My garden's being bulldozed down. And you're like, whatever in your backyard? I'm like, yes, just a neighbour. But if he touches the house... Matt's got a two person ten. Then, then then that's it. Then I'm like, Lauren, help me. Yeah, if he comes...

If he comes near the house one more time, I might think about even saying something at some stage down the track in the future near then, sometime, then. And Ash, just really quickly, just before we go, I don't know if this has ever happened to you before. Have you ever been in a toy store or any kind of store, I guess, and your child's damaged something? You've had to pay for it? No. How badly... Lola. No, it wasn't Lola.

Whoa. What? Poor Lola. Well. I know. Just get a track. Okay So

Buster? In Bondi there is a toy store In the junction or just like Bondi Beach For those playing at home Is it all wooden toys And carved

Can we just lay off Bondi please Basically People in Bondi have feelings too No they don't Okay You live on a big septic tank We do actually Yeah

It's lovely We do on it tough We're doing it tough We've got wooden toys So we're in this toy store And I just want to say For reference to paint a picture,

Poppy has the strength of a grown man. Her grasp is strong. Good. And she's quick now, dude. She's quick. You know when you see those videos of people in Italy and they're like, pickpocketed, pick pocket, pick pocket. She's like that.

If you stand too close to her, just, you know, whatever is in your pockets, it's gone because she's like, harness that. She'll take it. Harness it. So I look over and she's picked up something. Right. And I'm like, oh, put that back.

I turn around. and the store owner is like, you're going to have to pay for that. And I was like, what do you mean? And he said, well, she put that in her mouth. Oh. This is the toy in question it's been played with.

I can see that. So she's grabbed it. It's very phallic. Right? Look at the tip. I thought it was like one of those tentations. You know they're one of those sex toy tentacles? So I'm in a sex shop with Poppy.

It's called the big squirter. It's not. The big squidge. It's close. Very close. See? So she's put it in. her mouth and he said you've got to pay for this now and I was like well I can just wipe it I got a wipe

here and he goes no no no no no you got to pay for that she's like it's 20 bucks so I was like I guess she's going to play with it so I will buy it but I was like it looks like buster's red rocket it does look a lot like okay this is we've had a lot of penis references let's just that's the end of it carry on but I was like if your child put something in its mouth for a split second does that qualify for you having to pay for it it's not broken I get germs high Gene. But did I have to pay for this? Probably not. Right? And I was like, do you know what? I'm going to help out this store. I'm going to do the right thing. I'm going to pay 20 bucks. This beachfront store in Bondon. So dude, I pay for it and I turn around. She's got another one. In her mouth.

And he goes, you pay for that too. No. And I was like, I now own the store. Bobby, put everything in your mouth. Hang on a sec. So you got two of these. Yeah. What's it for? It's just a squishy tool. Buster must love it's not for Buster bro it's for kids You sure that's on a dog toy? Kids who have squishy toys now They're all the range yeah it's like stress release I think based off the material it's made out of

You can wipe that off 100% right that's like a play mat Which are all over the shopping centres Which probably have children's saliva all over them You're sure to say it'd be this clean of the most The countertops in this shop there big man so Yeah but you know what I'm at with confrontation I can't fucking do what you do

Maybe what you should do is set that shop owner up against the guy who cut your tree down and just talk shit about it that they said pit him against each other. I'm dealing with a lot right now. I think if... And then on top of that, you guys just keep shitting on people from Bondi. So, you know, it's not a fair... I've had my trees are being cut down, my freezer's not working. And we have too much money in Bondi.

Like that? I support you through thick and thin. Okay. I would say if it was a furry sort of toy and she'd put it in her mouth... I don't care what you're saying. This is your story, bro. I'm just trying to help you feel better about it. I don't need you.

I don't need your sympathy. Okay. All right. If you've enjoyed this episode, please. I haven't. I'd like to say that I have, but I haven't. You're upset because we upset your suburb. Yeah.

Bondi is a lovely place to live. Oh, well, look who came crawling back. Is it though? It's just fun to tease, but it is beautiful. It is fun to tease. I do like that the most of that, Bono. But if you've enjoyed this episode, please leave us a review, subscribe, send us a message,

or follow us on social. media. Two Doting Dad's, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook group and YouTube. Okay. Bye. See ya. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigle Land.