Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #265 We Got Busted!

Episode Date: September 29, 2026

Buckle up, because you’re in for a wild ride with this one. The guys are loosey-goosey after a whirlwind trip south for the Choreplay calendar shoot - they get so loud in fact that the pod almost gets shut down by noise complaints from the neighbours.  Perhaps they got a little too into character on the shoot because they've come back with sex on the brain! Ash has invested in an intimacy pillow, while Matt is still trying to get his head around his intimacy challenge with Laura. Meanwhile, Matt has done something to one of his girls that he seriously regrets but on the plus side, he’s got an idea that could eradicate nits from every school around the country.  Plus, the boys unpack whether a simple formula can actually help keep a marriage alive and kicking. ______________________________________________________________________________ If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

One of Nana's favorite things to do is movie time. World War II movie time. No, well, we've gone off World War II. And I had to pick something and I picked Whiplash. Yes. And I know that Nana's like something because she then researches everything about that movie. Is this off the back of saying my dad looks like Whiplash? No.

She is obsessed with Whiplash right now. Really? Obsessed. I don't know. It's a good. It's actually. Come on, phenomenal. Phenomenal.

She just, but now I can't fucking shut her up about whiplash. That's better than Trump. Yeah, it's. It's a war I cannot win at home. Back to the war documentaries. Where's Tom Hanks? She watched Terminal. Who the fuck is watching Terminal?

Are you serious? Ro Ro Ro Ro. Welcome back to two-dating dads. I am Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad.

And the relatable. And we don't give advice. No, should we just kick off housekeeping. I think we should probably do a deep dive into the housekeeping. Roll your sleeves up. Get the mop bucket. Get the mop and bucket because it's a mess. Emma is someone who listens to the podcast,

and she is also someone who is a member of the exclusive Facebook club. A member! She has questioned us, Ash. She's stirring the pot. What'd she say? We're ready to see. I'll be listening to the podcast since day one. every single episode.

Love that. She says here, Emma. I love it! I love that a lot. But. Remove her from the group immediately. Should I ban her? You can't put butts in that comment.

What the heck does housekeeping even mean, guys? How dare you? I'm so confused about what constitutes something being in housekeeping or the normal part of the episode. That's the beauty of it. We fucking decide. Wow. Okay. And I love you, Emma.

But don't question our methods or our segments again. Actually, yeah, you can do it. I don't really care that much. I just, but that was fake. It was fake stern. It was good. I believed it. Like a dictator.

I will not. Oh, God, I think that's all my energy. All right. Episodes over. Look, I think we just decided that housekeeping was whatever we, it's just whatever is. It's the little knickknacks. It's the family filing cabinet.

That's what it is. Yeah. Yeah. So I think, jump on board. Like, what have we got in housekeeping? What are we got today? I'll start. with Ash.

That's me. You popped your Daily Mail. You popped your Daily Mail chair. You really said Daily Maily then. Yes, Daily Mail. I honestly didn't even know. Wasn't it Yahoo? No, Yahoo I've done.

Been there, done that. Yahoo's a bit more credible. Was it Daily Mail? Yeah. It looked like Yahoo. No, Vic's partner, Dan, he is an avid news reader because he doesn't have any social media. So he doesn't. What does he do?

What does he do? He do scrolls the news. The news. What does he do this role? I know he's like the nudes. Oh, God. How does he like, what does he do every night with no social media? What's he up to?

What's he? He's doing exactly the same thing as you. He's doing the scroll, but he does it with news articles. What the fuck? Yeah. He knows everything though. We went to trivia and he was like the surprise winning. He should go on like, have you been paying attention?

Yeah. So he's just reading headline after headline after headline. Yeah. Any gosh, he knows it. So he's reading the full story? Is he just doing headlines? No, no, he reads the full story. Because he doesn't have social media, he's like...

It's pretty much the same thing. Has he tried social media? It's great. Like, because he... Do you know what he called it? A time waster. And I'm like, what are you doing? That's my job he's talking about, okay?

You know what else? Waste time? Building fucking debts. Fucking building walls. Yeah, Dan. Also, I need you in my house in October. So he's never... He's had a taste of social media and he just didn't like it.

Yeah, he saw he was just wasting too much time. I think like in his break, I think when he gets the end of an article, he's like, okay, putting it down now back to work. Whereas with social, it's like, it never ends. There is no, it never ends. Yeah. I guess it's a maturity thing. If you're like, I know Ellie fucking Nana loves it.

She's laid on, she's a late bloomer too to the social. I know, I know sometimes I'm like, do you ever get off that thing? You put your phone down just before. You're always on your phone. I don't think he realizes though you can use socials for news. So like I get a lot of my news off Facebook. Although. So, what's he doing in Daily Mail?

Can't he be like maybe the Guardian? Hey man. That was about me. He must have been pumped when he saw his little mate there. He was. He was very excited for you. Pick your boss was on the bloody news. What was the article?

He reads just the news app. So that news app. The Apple news app. Yeah. So it picks stuff for you. I'm sure there's an algorithm in there. So it's the same. It's all fake.

Fake news. What do they say about you? I'm beloved. That's all I took away from it, really? Beloved comedian. I was on the beloved comedian. Take that. Take that.

For sure. I'm honestly, I'm getting a desk. Have you read the comments though? No, no, I don't do that. Don't do that.

What did they say? Because they're always horrific. You could be like, like beloved Ash keyword cancer. No, come on. You don't want to do it. And they're like,

no, my fucking hurt of that piece of shit. Yeah, I like that. That fucking loser. Vic, have a knollick. Vic's going to sense check this, whether I can handle it or not.

They're like, I can't handle that. You could. You suck. Ah ha! It's literally you could save a cat from a burning house, and they'd be like, he's always an attention seeker that guy.

Beryl will be like, I've never heard of this beloved comedian. Okay, the headline reads for those playing at home, Ozzie comedian admits he was drinking as many as 15 beers a day at home alone before quitting booze in February. Can I, that's the wrong date. I think of that wrong, it's December. Can I guess one of the comments?

Rookie numbers. Oh, knock on the door. What the fuck is that? Oh, God. Have we paid rent? You were a bit shoddy. Was that? We've just had a knock on the door,

and it was a neighbor in the office who complained about us being too loud. Well, they did say Vic was a bit loud. They said, yeah. And I said, she's also really slow, get us and get it going, you know? Okay. So, Vic, I think the takeaway from that interaction is that you might need to keep it out of the big. Okay, first comment says,

Oh, God. Boring, mate. Do you want more? Yeah. The next one's nice. It says, I wish him well. Getting off a substance is easy. Staying off it can be an issue.

Pussy. And then someone wrote amateur. Yeah, see it? Amateur. You're not far off. I don't understand. Is it amateur the amount I was drinking? Well, someone then wrote back to that and said, it's called tolerance.

Because that's what the other. That's actually the nicest comment section I've seen on Daily Mail. Well done. Congratulations. I'm hard to hate. You've made it. Yes. Guys, we have been flat out this week.

Just, it's been one of the busiest weeks of ever. Our lives. And two doting dads? Yeah, it's been a bit long. And I don't want to, I'm not saying this to make people enjoy the product more when it comes out. Does help. But it was so close to being on the chopping block. I'm talking about the calendar.

Oh, yeah. We toot and froed for ages. I thought we decided that we weren't going to do it. Then all of a sudden we were doing it. And then it happened. We did it. We did it. We have done it down south and Ula Dulla.

It's a chore play calendar. It's back. It's back. It is back. In a big way. And I know I'm biased, but it is the sexiest. Homo erotic. I'm not, it is with thanks to Vic, she really put us in positions that we wouldn't normally see ourselves in.

I'm very limber now. She made me fuck Ash. If one day, she was like, make this one a wet one. I think I said, I want to see you guys get all wet. Yeah. She's like, stop fucking around.

I want to see you guys get fucking wet. They were in the shower, guys. They were in the shower. So since then, you know. It's awkward now. Coming into the office, we're like, hey, hey. Hell are you. Last time was fun.

So, yes, keep an eye out for any updates on the calendar because it's shot. That's as far as we know. It's done. I did post about it a little. is in the Facebook group. So if you want to see just how raunchy it got, it's in there. Also, we have new hats.

We launched them last week. Oh, they're just selling well. They are selling very well. You look great in yours. Almost, I would say they're selling too well. Get them before they run out. I love what you're trying to do. Honestly, I don't know if there's any left, so maybe we shouldn't.

I think we have a couple left. There's just a couple. I haven't given them out as well. They're actually cheap compared to hats these days. 35, 35. Plus just two. Vic tried to bum up to 60 bucks. I know, she's thirsty.

She was like, charge him more. Yeah. The fuckers. The fuckers, take your shirt off. So there are a couple left. There are a couple left. Go and have a look. Two Dirty Dads.com.

Quick, quick one. Toys R Us is coming back. No, it's not. 120 store locations. No, it's not. It could be fake news. I just want to let you guys know. Where did you see that?

Very credible source. Why did it disappear? Probably department stores. No, because they're both. They're also struggling. Yeah, but like a store specific. specific to one type of thing. Can't last for them.

Can I just give them a heads up? They're fucked. Yeah. Unless it's an online store. Amazon's already beat you to it. Yeah. It's like the overheads on a shop must be unbelievable. We had a birthday party in the weekend last minute, didn't have a present.

Got a dancing mat, 40 bucks delivered in three hours. Like it lights up. Yeah. And I broke ours. It's probably got like a, not that you're a heavy man. It's probably got a weight limit for a child. See, there's a thing. and I used to, I would go one-footed and do it.

And then Marley was like, you're cheating. You've got to do two-foot, two feet. She's on to me. And then I jumped and did a two-foot dance move. Snap. Snap the plate. That's. Order another one.

Three hours. There it is. There it is. Yeah, I don't know how they're going to. Did you say 120 news stores? Yeah, I could have lied. That's a lot. That's a lot.

Is that right? I think it's in America. Okay. And that's why Vic does breaking news and not you. Okay. Well, while we're on the top. pick what do you go for us oh we're gonna break you right now we'll come back to yeah we'll mix it up

I'm sure Emma right now is very confused yeah and it's like wait is this how can hang on Emma this is breaking you then we're gonna go back to housekeeping back into housekeeping how does that sound keep your voice down no we that guy too okay it's oh god what although it wasn't from the psychologist who's also next door it was from the business analyst people anyway look what do they need silence for they go ahead I guarantee he's got ahead phone's on. Okay. Maybe they're having a meeting. You should have said, well, I heard you fart in the hallway, well, we did. We did hear them fart. They would shut him right up. Are you guys acting in there?

Yeah, well, you kind of. This is not an act. Acting a little bit hurt right now. Yeah. So there's a lot of sad news in the world at the moment. So I thought I'd give you some happy news. And there's also a bit of a hack in here as well, if you will. A happy hack. A happy hack. Happy news hack. I feel like Matt will love this. But anyway, we'll see how we go. I'll be the judge of that. After 35 years of marriage... Sorry. What? It's making me laugh.

I just check the time. Insinuating that shoes. Shut up and take your shirt off. Not what I said. Vic, no, she's not coming to any more topless photo shoots. Okay? I felt like a piece of meat. I am sorry.

I kind of enjoyed it. When you went to the bathroom before and it was just Vic and I in the room, I was very. anxious. Yeah, we have each other's back. Don't joke about that. Take your show. Get him wetter. Kiss.

After 35 years of marriage, one husband has shared a simple approach he believes has helped his relationship stay strong. His approach is known as the 2-2-2 rule. Couples should aim to have a date night every two weeks, take a weekend away every two months, and spend a full week together every two years. The idea is less about how much money is spent or where you go and more about deliberately stepping away from the day-to-day routine so that your relationship doesn't become another item on the household to-do list. Sorry, but can you repeat the two-to-two?

What's the two? Absolutely. Couple should aim to have a date-night every two weeks. Date-night every two weeks. Okay, that's a lot. That's a lot. One date-night every fortnight. Are we talking like a full-sitter date-night the whole bit?

No. Something more simple. Like a walk. A walk, can do a walk. It says a date night night night could be as simple as dinner at home or a night out, while the weekend away could mean a nearby road trip rather than an expensive holiday. The idea is to make space for a longer break together. So a weekend away every two years.

Is that what he said? No, a week away every two years. A week away? A week away. I've just done one every year for the last two years. April and I just went away from a week. I know. I've noticed. Okay, son.

You're never home. Oscar talks. The rest of us have been like, us three kids at home. Fucking shut up. I can't. This is who I am. Jesus Christ,

this is a last you've ever been. Really? I think I'm just doing out of spite now. My God. We're some yelling at us, Ash. I'm so scared. Ficks petrified over here. All right.

Let's just get this episode out of the way. They hate getting in trouble. If it knocks the door again, I'm going. There's. Ash has me pinned against the wall right now. Take a shirt off. I think it's really good. I actually want to infiltrate.

Infiltrate? I bet you do. Get sex off the mind. I want to introduce this into our relationship. Yeah. Who is this guy? Who is he? The two, two, two.

He's been married for 35 years. Loser. Just the one marriage? A loser. Damn it, why can't we come up with a rule? It is so true, though. Like, I think, fuck, I really would love to have more date nights with Dan, but trying to fit it into life is hard. I know.

Just get him over to fix something at your place. that's what I do if I want to hang out with Dan. I can't even do the six second kiss rule. Oh yeah, how is that going? That's because the barrier entry is so high. No, because every time she's leaving, it's always when I'm eating breakfast. I had NutraGrain.

You know how bad NutraGrain smells and a fermented mouth? I don't understand why you're trying to do this in the morning. That's an evening. Why don't you brush your teeth when you wake up? Well, no, because everyone knows you eat your breakfast first, then brush your teeth. I do it on both ends. That sounded. Yeah, brush my arsehole.

and I brush my teeth right after breakfast. No, I go, sorry, I'm trying to be quiet to the fucking neighbours. We're moving. This is why it was so cheap. Right? Because of the fucking business analyst down the road. Put your headphones in and shut up.

What's that saying? Your asshole. My teeth. I brush my teeth when I first get up out of bed because I feel like I don't like the tape. Is like a prelim brush or? Like a brush. Then I'll go about my morning and have breakfast.

breakfast, have a coffee, whatever, and then I'll go back for round two. What the fuck? Is you talking about sex or what? Yeah. No, teeth. So you do a double brush? So you brush your teeth three times in a day? I would do it more if I could.

April does it after every meal. Show me your gums. They look red raw. Oh, shut. They need a fucking break. Show me your gum. Show me your gum. Show me your guns.

Well, that is a lovely. article, Vic. Well done. Where was the hack? We can't get through this episode. I can see it. The business analysts, the business analyst is like, that's quite a good rule. Yeah, he's just honestly, they get a free episode. People pay good money to listen to us. It is free. Fucking idiots. He's getting no ads. This guy is getting no ads. He's getting an IR version. I am crying. Oh, okay.

So where was the hack? The two, two, two, two. That's not a hack. That's two, too, too many rules for me. Oh, no. I was, I had that. Yeah, you read that. I've been work shopping.

Two, two, two. I thought it was going to be a ballet joke. Well, look, speaking of ballet, fucking segue. Is that segue of the year? Your toe one was better. Well, your two. Top five. Top five segues of the year.

It was good. I just got a message about Lola. Go on. My little Lola. Remind me who Lola is again? Lola is my middle child, who I love. You got the name right too. We're getting along really well at the moment.

We're hitting it off. Yep. Because I always wait until Laura gets cranky. Then I come in and I'm like, I love you. Smart. Very, very toxic. I think you've got to get the leg up over mom wherever you can because she's always going to be the favorite.

Always, always. I'm like to Macy. I'm like, come give me a cuddle. She's like, no, I'm giving me a cut. I'm like, I got a special treat. And she comes in and doesn't. Can I just say? the reason why kids prefer mums is because you don't have stubble.

Some do. We've also got breasts. Yeah, you do. Your cuddles are always going to be better than ours. Who the fuck wants to cuddle like this scrappy beard, you know? Yeah, I'm amazing. Like if I had tits and no facial hair, fuck. I'd be getting cuddles everywhere.

I'm swearing too much to the episode. I apologise. Oh, I like it. Thank you? Sweat more. Tell me about Lola's ballet. So I have just committed every parent's worst nightmare. Lola has been doing an after-school care dance class.

Very, very basic. Very, very basic. Wasn't that into it, but we signed her up. She loves it. Absolutely loves it. Loves it. And then, do you know what happened? What?

So I pick her up last week. I, like, walk through the gate and normally they'll be playing in the courtyard, and they'll see me in that run over. They're like, hey, we're going. And she runs towards me. And then as she's like five steps into running, she just starts bawling her eyes out. And I'm like, what's wrong, Baba?

What's wrong? I thought you're going to say she fell over. No, that happened. That happens a lot of the time. And now that we're not wearing stockings, it's out of winter, fucking scrape knees. But she's just blowing her eyes out. And I'm like, what happened? She goes, it was my end of term dance.

And you weren't there. The parents were there. And I was like, what? And I didn't sign her up. Laura did. And so I was like, I missed the message. I was like, what? And she's like, you weren't there.

I was. waiting and all the parents were there and then you didn't turn up and I was like oh my god this is like the worst fear right where your kids they're like always when you go to like a parent thing and you see the poor kid because you never know people's circumstances might not allow them to come because of work or whatever I'm not judging but if you can tell them you're like oh I know I know but if you like the worst is the parents aren't coming I'm sure would always say like hey just so you know mommy daddy cannot be there today do you want to eat tonight yeah we're Is that not too loud?

That was really good. Well, good job. Random applause for Ash. It's actually more tiring being this quiet. It actually reminded me, I say that to Louis all the time. I'm like, I need to make money. I do that too. Yeah.

I'm just like, we go to work. And they're like, I was just like, don't be silly. You don't have a job. I was like, I got to get money to buy the things. Like, yeah, like, babe, like. So Lola's hysterical, right? Very upset. I go into the after school care educator's room.

And I was like, hey, guys, didn't really. realized there was a dance performance today. And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we emailed. And I was like, I can call Laura. And I'm like, babe. Lola had a dance performance. Did you, you didn't tell me? And I was like, you're really going to put me on those emails.

So like, it's ridiculous. And Laura was like, don't blame me. And I was like, well, you're the one who signed her up? And I was like, hang in a sec. And I was like, who did you send that email to? Oh, no. And he goes, send it to you. Point at me.

Oh, Matt. And I was like, fuck. You got to check that before you ring up. Like, go in with your going. Like a sheriff, like twirling your guns around. I was like, Laura, you've really got to check your emails? You know? So now you're in the bad books with both.

So what's going to happen here is in like six to 12 months time. Okay, something's going to happen. She's going to bring that up. That's what usually happens. She brought you in the house. She already brought it up. Yeah. So, okay.

So I made it up to Lola. Made it up to Lola and I said, do you know what? I'm going to sign you up for proper dance classes now. She happy with that? And she was pumped. She was pumped. Because I said, the teacher has said that you're so good that they want you to do proper dance classes today.

Like Marley, yes. Today is the day. How are her rhythms? Really good. She loves it. She loves it. You're quite rhythmic. Thank you.

She comes from good stock. Good rhythmic stock. That is the nicest thing you've ever said about me. No, it's not. Both dances with the stars? Yep. Yeah, guilty. Did you win?

Did Laura win? We both came like Stad last. But it was at last. But it was not last. No. You're right. Thank you. Thank you.

So I'm dropping Lola off. Her bag is packed because they pick him up from school to take him to dance class, which is like next door. And Lola was like, my tummy hurts. And I was like, what do you mean? She's like, I felt really nervous. And I was like, no, it's okay, honey. You're going to do so good.

You're going to be great. And there's a couple of girls who dance in her class. And they've been dancing all year together. It's the first time she's joining it. It's pretty late in the year as well to join it down. It's September. It's pretty much. Dover.

Oh, you got to start sometime. Well said. Well said. And then I got a message from school and she said, I don't feel well. I want to be picked up and go home. And she's at home. And Nana's like, she's totally fine. Yeah, it's nerves.

She's not too nervous. Yeah. I got to talk Oscar into jiu-jitsu. Everyone already loves it so much. Just because of the nerves. Yeah. But at that age, they might be confused about the feelings that are nervous and the feelings that are sick because they are very similar feelings.

Yeah. It's a weird, bloody. I still get that yet. I'm like, oh, I'm not feeling well. And it's like, once I've done the thing in the day that I subconsciously was nervous about, I'm like, I'm actually feeling pretty good. Yeah. And I don't, she's not going to go.

So she's at home now. She's at home. Put her on the dance mat when you get home. It's broken. Give it new one, quick, Amazon. Toys our ass. Pull little thing. And I was like, I don't know what to do.

I'll try again, because now they're going to break for school holidays. Try again next time. Try again next time. It's a fine line between like, because I know Oscar would be like, How do you convince him for Jiu-jitsu? Yeah. I try and get him to think about

how it feels after and then sometimes that doesn't work. The bike thing really work where I was like, what about we ride there? How cool is it going to be when you turn up on your bike and everyone's there? I couldn't, because they pick them up from school. Yeah, it's a tricky one.

Have you had to pay all the fees? No, luckily she was like, I'll give you a trial one. I'll give you a little trance. Smokes in our stories. Yeah. Like no one smokes anymore. I reckon put her in next year. Next year.

I reckon don't make a big deal of it and then just get her back. Just like when their school goes back, like it's just the wreck. I'm just like, I suppose, I don't know. Or you just do whatever you want to do about it. I should have fucking signed her up. So many times I've had to talk Oscar back into it. And still, it's been like two years of Jiu-Jitsu and I'm still doing it. Because I'm like, you would hate it if you got to school tomorrow and Harry went and

and Harry had a great time and you weren't there and you would have been like, oh, fucking Harry. You just got to try. I don't know. I think it's a fine line between you being encouraging and then forcing. You know what I mean? Because I don't want to be like, I think it's also a good teaching moment to like have a chat with her

about the difference between like butterflies in your tummy and being nervous about something and being actually physically sick. She's probably got influenza A and I'm like, she's just nervous. She's like, let's go. Are we out of housekeeping? We have a new addition to the Wicks household that I'm quite excited. excited about, which I'm quite excited to share with you. It better be something sexy.

Oh, yeah. What is you got? Like a sex swing. April, cover your ears. Is it like a sim racing thing? Is it in the kitchen? It's a new bench top. It's in the bedroom.

Oh, bedroom. Is it something for April? New curtains. No. I have invested in an intimacy pillow. What is an intimacy pillow? I'm going to show you. I'm glad you asked.

He's got pictures. I have the manual that comes with it. It's called the, jazz sex pillow. What? It's in between her legs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's just leaning over.

You open that up and have a look. Where did you find this? Oh. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah, I thought Vic was going to look at this. Yeah, Vic's like, give me a pink. Vic, just settle down.

This is a very largey episode. I'll give you a look. Okay, so April and I are in a... This is like porn. We're in a very good place, as you can tell. Arrigan of you say that. Well, I'm very very... happy with the place where we're at, the communication.

Everything is amazing. Yeah, you guys are, you guys are horny little teenagers. You are. And I, anyway, so I was like, what about we invest in a little intermissy pillow. So it's a wedge-shaped pillow, and it can be used to make it more comfortable in particular positions, hence the positions that are actually on the brochure in which I have there. Can I ask you two questions? Yes.

First question is, how much does this cost? Not any business. It's like, it was like, it was like 200 bucks. But it's just like a normal pillow, but if it's a sex pillow. It's quite firm. Okay. So it's, it's to be able to. Does it vibrate?

No, not this one. Okay. Let's check it. What was your second question? Where does the sex pillow normally live? Under the bed. Oh. Yeah, I've got like a, just like a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bed frame, not like a ensemble.

Have you used? I did. Oh, today. But it's, but it's, we've been here since 10 o'clock. Sorry, babe. That's why you were late this morning. Oh, sex, I was 10 minutes late.

And that was being generous. Can you explain for the people who can't say the pictures? Yes. What the pictures are off. Okay, so this is the brochure for the jazz sex pillow. And there's a lady in red lingerie. It looks superb, if I may say so myself, laying tummy on top of the sex pillow,

bottom firmly in the air. Yeah. And there's a few sex positions. There's one person laying on their back. What would you call each one of those sex positions? What do you mean? Yeah, would you, like, just at first glance. There's the, like, is that one?

Like, it really, gosh. It's really graphic. He's munching on a vagina. Vic, if I give this to you. We want it back, big. Go on, give me a look at him. Give mommy a look. Oh, okay.

Okay. Yeah. What do you think? Munching on the vagina. Yeah, he's really getting in there. He's nose deep in that virgin. So it's also for the man. Yeah.

So which position did you do this morning? None of your business. Trust victual, I know. True. I don't need a visual of that. Hang on, I do want to know a position though. When was it? No, I'm not, no, no, no.

Just tell me, just give me a clue. It wasn't budding the air. Let's put that way. Okay. It's hard to tell which is the woman and which is the man in some of these. I think that's the point. It's like an air of mystery around each photo. Would you recommend the pillow?

I've used it once and yes, I would. I would highly recommend it. It improved the experience. It definitely does. Yeah, it also provides much needed support. For us, mid-30-year-olds who like get bad backs. We've got bad backs. But the solution to that is it provides a much higher surface

opposed to just the level bed. Yeah, it puts it on an angle. Yeah, some great positions. Well, I can think of only benefits from that. Yeah. I thought you'd be really into that. No, I think it's great. I'm proud of you.

Thank you. I want to know, though, like at what point does the pillow come out? Does it come out like as you're about to need? It's out before I am. I don't know. It was, like I said, it was only used once so far. And it was sort of like, we should try the pillow. And does April like the pillow?

Yeah. So everyone's enjoying the pillow. Everyone's enjoying the pillow. The $200 pillow. You fucking hope so they're enjoying it. Worth it. With that price tag? Because I thought,

worst case scenario is it could just be a nice little back wedge to read on to read on yeah I'm intrigued that that was $200 like yeah they've really got me bent over a sex pillow pillow but okay so a couple of months ago I said to April I was like hey because I've seen I'd seen it my algorithm knows what my brain's thinking and I was like what are your thoughts on that she's like actually yeah and then we just made it happen is it do you think young kids are doing sex pillows. Like, is this an old person thing? It's an old person thing for sure.

It's like, you know, when you get to a certain age and you have to have like a ball. You have to put a rail at your house. Yeah. Like to get up of the toilet, you have to have like a hand rail to hoist you up. The stalely. It's like, yeah. Like, what's, you know, that's when you know you're in the path of becoming a geriatric when you're like sex pillow also put handrails on the walls to like, get off.

We have to get the occupational therapist in. Yeah. It's just like, you don't have any ramps at your entrances. It's like, oh, cut. Sorry. We do need ramps. And also one of those electric things up to the bedroom. It's like, come here, Mel.

Come here, Mel, and light on this sex pillow. Good on the two of you. Thank you. I'm going to dip back into housekeeping for a sec. Hey, oh. We're going back. Take that, Emma. What I'm proposing, okay, is something that I think will benefit not just kids,

but families all across the country. Everyone gets a sex pillow. Everyone has a sex pillow and we all have sex on a Tuesday. Morning. Hey. So we are in a cycle now of never. ending knits. Oh, yeah.

And the issue is, Ash, issue is... Both kids? Both kids. Both kids. Issue is our kids are doing the knit treatment. None of the other kids are doing their knit treatments. So then we're just sending them back in to get reinvested with the knits. Because there's all...

To be ambushed by the knit people. Right? So it's just, it's absolutely pointless now. Because unless everyone gets on the same page, we all treat together, we're never going to beat the nits. The nits are winning right now. As a school, you say treat together? as a school or a class we'll start small so laura was like i cannot do another knit treatment she's

like i'm done i'm out i've had enough fair it's not it's not fun we're doing it like every two weeks and so i was like well how do we do this and she's like i'm going to message the school WhatsApp chat and say everyone together collectively let's stand united let's all get together on the one day and all do treatments together i think that's genius i think it's a good idea but there's going to be pushback no there was no pushback wow well then we're all thinking it Why are we just not doing it? I think we're too scared to put it out there. To be judged.

To be judged. And everyone was like, here, yes, Laura. Like, Laura. And you're like, yeah, I was like,

because one of the kids at school, he was itching his head and the teacher was like, you're there, Timmy, get to the side and separated him. Segregated him. Yeah.

I know. Shave your head later, Timi. I know. And so then Marley was going, I'm too scared to scratch my head because then I'll get put aside. I'll be outcast like someone with a black plague.

I don't know. to be out there with Timmy? He stinks. And so everyone together now, everyone, come on. Together now. Together. We've all done it at once. And? Well, it's just happened. Okay, so the day in question has happened. So the Sunday night when we were staying down at allah for the photo shoot.

I missed the neat treatment. I missed the knit treatment. That's a weird. Oh, so good. I called Laura. I was like, how's it going back? She was like, fucking nuts. You're fucking, fucking, fucking, I'm coming and fucking and kind of shit. They're like, Mommy, no. My hair feels itchy now. I know, me too, me too. I just remember as a kid, because a boy is it much easier.

It's really tough with girls because you can't just shave a girl's head. Like some people do. Think of Lily. She's got ringlets. Yeah. Is that good or bad for nits? I don't know, but if she gets nits, I don't know what I would do. Oh, because you can't comb that stuff.

Oh, yeah. The nits get dizzy. Oh, hey, oh, oh. It's like, oh. And when they catch up, when the nits all catch up, you go, where are you on one of those curly people's heads, you're like, I've got a straight, straight hair. I've got a straightie. I'm living, I'm living life over here.

Leah, I remember I would just get my head shaved, but it's always been a nightmare. Like, but for girls, because obviously the hair can be out. Like, I'm waiting for Macy to go to school next year and. Sure, she'll get got. So, yeah, she'll get caught. You know what you should tell, Laura. There's actually businesses that will come to your house and help you get the knits out of your kid's hair and your hair if it's in there too.

Who? Yeah, they're called like the knit lady or something. The knit lady? Subject yourself to that. It's like exy. Like it's probably 100 bucks ahead. Fuck, that's a lot of money. But they will get all the nits and the eggs out of your hair.

Like if I got nits in my hair, there's no way Dan would help me get them out. I'd have to figure that shit out by myself. And your hair? Yeah. Come on, Dan. He has like a little look. He's like, yeah, good. He's like, I got the drill.

I can help you? Yeah. I'm not looking for it. What kills me is having to fucking wash all the shit. I can't stop swearing guys. Don't worry about it. I can't stop. That man in there is.

really done a number on you. I know. Fuck that guy. I'm going to fuck you. Him, not you. I was going to say. You're turning on me. Here we go.

The knit nurse. Sydney wide. Here we go. Knit nurse. Professional head lice treatments. Do you want her in your house? She must hate kids and she's like, yeah, little shit's coming.

She's like me's a crunch bowl. Ripping their hair out. Yeah. Honestly, it's a niche business idea which, congratulations for thinking outside the box. The knit fairy. No knits. The nice lady.

Oh, there's a lot. Yeah, there's a lot. The lice lady. The lice lady. What will we call out? Knitwits. There she is. That's what we pay you the big bucks.

Hey, I just have one more thing to talk to you about. Please. I can't stop thinking about you and April having sex. Well, like, and April, I mean that in the most respectable way possible. Don't you dare picture my wife like that? I'm trying not to, but you're... I said your photo lady went after. No, I'm just kidding.

Sorry, babe. We're joking. That's a joke. Look, I'm not calling me a hero. But some people are. On the beaches. You know how much we talk about car parks and parents all parking. Quite a lot.

And almost as much as semen and shit. It goes semen, shit. Car parks. Yeah. And then knits. And then knits are getting up there. Sex pillows soon to be included. It's like, take it off.

Oh my God. Okay. I was trying to do it for the Dota's, okay? I was trying to get the best out of you. That's the easiest excuse of the ball. Do you regret coming onto that photo shoot? No, I loved it. I bet you did you all.

It was fun. It was exhausting, but it was really fun. And I like to think that I put my mother's, wives, female intuition into the calendar in terms of some of the poses. Okay. I actually bent up like a pretzel. I was like, I got my legs over my head. I'm like, what's this one for?

You're like, shout up. Someone pour some more water on him. Well, you guys think you know what chore play is, but I was like, here's what I would actually love to see. More water. Make him shit himself. Touch him. So people call him a hero.

Sorry. No one has. I'm calling myself a hero. But I went to the shops solo. I took Gabriel's car. Must be nice. Yeah. Park the car not near the pram parking because they were full and I didn't have a pram

and I'd do the right thing. And so I parked a few rows back. Pull up, get out of the car, go to shops. There's a car in front of me parked in front. So it's one of those ones where it's like front to back. I went to the back of this car All right Went to the shops

Came back Same car was there But I noticed The car was closer to mine It had rolled closer to mine And I thought What's happened here So I'm gonna show you

Just what I came to And then I'm gonna give you a bit more of explanation This is what you walk back to see Yes Visually this is what you're confronted with Visually this is what I was confronted with All right

I'll get you to press play You don't need sound around Can I just tell the Dota's What it is you're looking at Okay This is underground car park. It's above ground.

I apologize. Oh my days. This big bopper BMW has got its butt well over the white line of the car space perimeter and it has a little tow bar. Yeah. To bar is in your car? These cars are fucking...

It's a human centipede of vehicles. The car is emptied Ashes car. The car's on a sex pillow. Yeah. You can't tell where my car starts and their car ends. Yeah. What did you do? So that's the...

the car that was there when I parked, but it wasn't that close. Anyway, so I went in to investigate, my microphone. Anyway, I went to investigate. I could see through the window. No one was in the car, but I could see that the dashlights were still on. And I was like, that's weird. And then I was like, a little bit closer. I noticed there was a newborn baby seat in this car.

So this is what I think is what has happened. Yeah. Bear with me. I have no evidence of this. It's just pure hearsay. This is like case file now. This is case file. However.

This one doesn't have. You got me on the edge of my seat. Can't find a killer for this one. So I went to investigate, saw the dashlights were on, baby seat. Saw there was a baby seat facing backwards. So it's fresh. Yeah.

Okay. And I was like, oh, what I think has happened here is they were no pram spots. They've gone to a regular park. No problems of that. But they've pressed the car off, being distracted by having a newborn baby, maybe a bit overwhelmed. Yeah, tired, I'm sure. Tired.

then they've pressed the button one too many times and not actually put the handbrake on their vehicle and it's rolled and stopped into mine because I have another video of me moving the car, moving my car and you can see that it rolls back a tiny bit and get stuck. At first I thought, what's this fucker doing? That's my first thought. What is this is a fucking doing. Then I've realized that this could be a brand new parent who's got lack of sleep, lack of oxygen, everything.

They've gotten out. They've got to go to the shots. We need shopping. So I opened the car door, put the handbrake on, shut the door. And someone's like, you're still in my car. I did look around. It actually looks suspicious. Arrested.

Yeah. Well, yeah. Well, their car was still in my car. So technically your car has entered my vehicle. Which technically means it's now my car. So now I own both cars. Anyway, so I was like, oh, fuck. And then I was like, oh, when I...

So you open the door and put the handbrake up. Yeah. And I was like, looking for a pad to live. a note to be not an aggressive note because I thought at this point what would I as a new parent the last thing I need is someone being like do you know how to fucking drive it's like bro I'm just trying to stay awake okay I'm trying to

keep this child a lot but then I look back behind my car so there's another row of cars and when I have rolled back and saw the car starting to roll I stopped so that it stopped if my car wasn't there it would have gained momentum and out the train and rolled back

into a quarter of a million dollar Mercedes A.m. GM's bonnet right behind me and it would have been like 20 meters and think about that. Also, it's not uncommon for young kids to be walking to the car park. It could have taken out a child. You are an everyday hero. The Batman of Worrywood. That's what I'm looking for.

I don't do it for the awards or the praise, but I do like it. If you're in Worrywood, if you're in the northern beaches and you're worried about crime, don't be because Ash is there, Ashwicks. Would you call this a crime? Almost. If you need a hand. Yeah. There is no such thing as a dangerous car park in the Northern Beaches

because you're keeping them safe. I wonder if they listened, they listened to the pod because they've got a kid. I would, please. Would they even know though? They'd be so sleep deprived. Yeah, that's what I thought. And I thought I could do the thing and be like, hey, you didn't make sure you'd fucking sort your life out.

April's like, where the fuck is that? He's been gone for four hours. He's gone to get newspaper and some milk. I was just pondering what to do. I looked for a pan there. because I wanted to just let them know that I'm a good guy. You're a good guy. And so did you?

I couldn't find a pen or anything. I just took off. But they would have got back to the car and seen that it had rolled quite far back. My car would, I would hate for them to come back and see that before I got there. Because there's no damage to my cars, I showed you. And it was... They're probably going to get back so confused. Yeah.

So if you... They probably think someone's tried to break into the car. Yeah, that's what they probably... But their dash was still on and everything. Like, they'd be like, oh, I think I might have. Because you know how like push button cars these days. You're pressing... You're like, is the car off.

Is it? Yeah. Who knows? Sometimes I get out of the car and Ake was like, you want to put it in the park? I'm like, oh. I know. I always forget, especially when I'm sleep deprived. Yeah.

Back when we had the, like the handbrake, the... Give us some more of those. That would never have happened. Because you can see it's when it's on and when it's not. And you can feel it. You can feel it. It's got girthy. It's quite girthy, that handbrake.

It's the downside of the future. We don't know when the handbrakes on or off. off or when the car is on her off. I said to my account, I'm like, can you turn all the beeps off? He's like, do you know how many people ask us to turn all the beeps off? Because I was telling Vic about the lane indicator. I think that's why Vic got sick in my car because it was like, the lane indicator is actually so dangerous.

So like, if I'm like, all right, I'm going to move over a little bit. I'm overtaking a truck on a freeway at 100Ks an hour. I'm going to move over a little bit because it's not very pleasant for the passage to have to go up against the truck. and then I edge, edge over the outside line, it literally corrects the car towards the truck. I think it's so dangerous. So be careful out there, guys.

And you're welcome. Be careful in the car parks, be careful on the road. Be careful everywhere. There's a car. I'm always watching. I'm always looking out over you. Like Batman. Out of housekeeping now.

And that's the end of the episode. Literally. What have you got? We got anything else? Do you know what I think would mean that we don't, have dangerous car parks with non-tired parents. Go for it. If both parents were taking paid parental leave at the same time.

And enough of it. And I think that would save us from these near-death experiences in shopping centres. Good news, Matt. There's a petition that our listeners can sign with the parenthood in Movember about more help at home in the early days of parenthood. Giving parents more time in one of the most important moments of their life the first 12 months. Yeah, and I think leading into having your first kid, there is a lot of talk with yourself, your employer, and all this sort of stuff about logistically taking time. Wouldn't it be nice to just take the time off without all the rigmarole?

Yeah, of the corporate ladder. You can't climb the ladder with your hands in your pockets, Matt? There he is. Can you put that on a T-shirt? That'd be great. I think when we're next in Canberra at Parliament House, you should be like, I almost died in a car park. It's saving lives. Yeah, we're trying to save lives here.

I'll be like, ladies and gentlemen of the house, the Senate, whatever, or fuck I don't know anything about politics. My car was fucked by another car. Let me tell you a time. Do you guys ever seen the human centipede? Car centrepeat. Well, I pretty much lived that movie. It's hard for me to talk about.

You need to pass this legislation. It's hard of me to talk about. Otherwise the cars will be fucking each other in every car park. I can't. Before we know what the cars are after us. I can't control. I can't watch every car being fucked by other cars

Okay I wish I could I wish I could because honestly I'll be into that If you've got a video of your car Fuckin another car Send it to us If it's a pile up Fick's like make sure they're wet

If it's a pile up on a rainy day If it's a pile up on a rainy day Lots of subs I want suds on there If it's a pile up at a car wash, that's what I want to see. I care. If you'd enjoy this episode. If you've enjoyed this episode.

That's impossible. That business analysts are like, what the fuck are they talking about? You're like, that's a podcast? Yeah, like, what are they doing? It can't be real. They're just sad with their little Nerf lives in there. Okay. If you enjoy this episode, please, someone out there.

Do something. Give us a review. One of our strongest episodes to date, I believe. I reckon this is our best. best we've ever had. We're ending the year on a high note. Is this our last episode for the year? Oh, wish. Kidding, I love it here.

Let's just put this one on and repeat because it's that good. But give us a review, subscribe and follow us on the social means. True doting dads. Instagram, TikTok, the Facebook group is bustling. And by the love of God, buy the fucking hats. For the love of God, sign the petition, buy the hats. Get the calendar. Get the calendar.

And do the fucking knit treatment as well. Yes. Also, amongst all the car fucking on this episode. We do have a very important episode on Man, man. Keep it together, man. It's so close. Car fucking aside. Yeah, let's put the cars fucking aside.

The cars and the pillow sex aside. We have a very, very, very good episode with Jai Arrow and his beautiful wife, Barry. So tune in on Monday. It's on the day after the NRL grand final. Ooh. Oh, juicy. We are harmonized then. Oh. Anyway.

Yes, you can join us next week on Monday, the public holiday after the NRL grand final, which happens to be the changeover of daylight savings, and I wish all the parents luck for that, especially for your parents. But we have an episode with Jai Arrow and his wife, Barry, and Little Ailer was in the studio as well. Jai was diagnosed with MND early this year, and we talk all things their life. So tune in.

Subscribe, it'll be straight in your inbox, even on public holiday. It's a very moving episode, so please join us for that one. Good, go. Goodbye. Goodbye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present,

and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.