Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #267 Foreskin Cleaning & Other Things You Can’t Unhear

Episode Date: October 6, 2026

We’re all a little short on sleep this week, which might explain why we can’t keep a straight face from the second we turn the mics on. Or it could be because Louis joins the boys with a joke that could put them out of a job one day. In this ep - Ash reveals Macy’s disturbing new doll game before sharing his very specific foreskin cleaning schedule. While Matt shares stories from his family cruise, where he questions whether bringing Nanna meant an extra pair of hands… or another child. There’s also a moth plague, peace lilies and a whole lotta laughs that'll keep you smiling all the way through. ______________________________________________________________________________ If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Before we get into this episode, Ash and myself just wanted to talk very briefly about the news that came out on the weekend regarding Sam Wood. You may know him from The Bachelor, but media has reported that he has now been charged with two counts of domestic violence, including assault, occasioning bodily harm and strangulation in a domestic setting. And whilst we can't go into specific details or speculate any more than what is currently out there with those charges, that are all allegations at this stage, I think Ash, everyone is in a similar situation where we're just completely shocked at these allegations. This is someone who has built a very successful business, heroing, championing, making women

stronger, which is why I find, and I'm sure a lot of people find these allegations so confronting. But first and foremost, our thoughts are with the victim or victims. But we need to let the legal system do what they need to do to get to, essentially get to the bottom of that. I think it's a time for men to start to speak up that this is not okay. I mean, all I see on social media at the moment after this is it seems to be women having the conversation, but men need to have the conversation. Like you and I need to have the conversation that you should not be laying your hands on anyone, let alone a woman. I think it's really... Yeah, one thing that's great with this podcast is that I think we can

reshape what masculinity means. And I don't know, it feels like we're not making progress at times. Yeah. Right? And you think, I can only begin to appreciate how incredibly frustrating it must be for women who are like, hey, what's it got to fucking take? But I think, if nothing more, this is a real indication that the great men out there, and I know there are so many, we need to be doing constantly as much as we can

to communicate how to respectfully treat women. I think we need to be encouraging other men to be having conversations with their groups of friends around how this sort of thing is not okay. It is not okay. It is not normal and it needs to stop, essentially. Absolutely. To any man out there listening to this, have the conversation with the people around you, the closer people around you, so that they know, you know that this is inappropriate and that violence against women is completely and utterly the wrong thing to do. On that note, let's get into the episode. Matt, I'm not sure if you noticed. Well, so, hang on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, we don't.

This show don't wait for nobody. Am I the month's song is down today? What do you mean by today? Oh, my God. Wow, I am on. Let's get a show on the road. I don't know if you've noticed. But there's an extra body in the room.

Or half body. There's three to half of us today. The half that I'm talking about is Mr. Louboy. Can we call him Louboy? Can I call him L-Dog? El Dog. He's going to tell us a joke to open the show. So let's start the show and then Louis is going to open it.

If he's very shy, but that's okay. We'll get it out of him. Tell us the joke. We'll shake it out of you, Louie. Back to Two Dating Dads. I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about the parentings.

It is the good. The parenting. It is the bad. And the relatable. And we have started to give advice. We've crept in there. So this will be an episode of none of that. Let's bat bat bat right up.

Yeah. So apologies for those of you who are listening. they've written in they've said hey you just want to let you guys know advice is creeping in we hear you we've acknowledged it it'll stop i know i was just listening to the fair work chat yeah oh my god and i was like should i call fair work on mat we're consultants now now the stage is set and i don't want to make you too nervous because it's not live lou you can just tell it as many times as you're like all right you ready we want to hear this joke take it away louis who's there who's there poo who who who Who left a paw in the toilet?

Very good. Nothing better than a classic knock-knock joke. Almost too good. Louis asked me how he wanted to make you guys laugh. And I was like, well, they really like poo jokes. Guilty. We do love poo joke. And he had the perfect one.

I got one for you. Okay, go on. Who's there. Woo. Woo-hoo. Settle down. It's a podcast. Oh, did you like that?

I love Louie's was better. Louise was better, yeah. Something's like Oscar loves the poo once. Yeah. Good job. Thank you, Louie. I'm worried for my job. I know.

What if people are like, bring them back. Yeah, people are like, it's one don't earning dad and Louie. What's the deal? What's the deal with boo? With Kendi. What's the deal with knock, knock, knock. All right. Louis is set up with his headphones on a movie, so he should be right for the rest of the app.

About bloody time. He'll probably interrupt. He is a child. Vic, I'm glad you could squeeze us into your schedule. very true I do you remember I don't recall okay

okay so just to set the scene Matt and I have come in today on a Tuesday regular Tuesday it's cool holidays hence by Louis's here it's a regular Tuesday and Vick's hurrying us along

and we're like what the fuck and she's like I'm gonna beat the traffic because traffic for who what someone's going on holidays

yeah how dare you dude and she's like hurry out because I'm not gonna be here I got one week between today's record and then our next record

which is a very exciting guest so I was like trying to maximise the time away we're driving all the way to the Gold Coast also Vick's in a bikini right now I know she's like hurry up I'm tan I'm turn I'm putting tanning oil on her shoulders as we spin I know she's like she's trying to get one of us to do her back yeah what for Vick

I only do one woman's back and that's April's because sometimes I squeeze her buck Driving to the Gold Coast. Okay. And I will put my hand up and say we do forget quite a lot. Not me, man. But I forgot this one. Did you forget to ask us or did you ask?

We talked about it. I asked so many times. Okay. Like weeks ago. Well, bad news. It's cancelled. We are the work after last week we gave him fair work advice. You're fired!

No, no. Okay. I can't yell. I'm not letting it yell because of the neighbours. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Keep it down out there. The business consultants, I almost, for those of you who are wondering,

maybe they've just joined us after a big gap. We used to record at my house. Poppy ruined that dream. We now have our own studio in North Sydney. She is to blame. And we have business consultants down the hallway. We're surrounded in therapists, business analysts, business consultants, and I saw, what was the other one?

It's probably some sort of tech support or something. There's no need to insult them like that. All right. We're just living the corporate dream And then we moved in, we're like, Woohoo! These guys are just trying to do their nine to fives and get through it, have a good time,

and we're just like... As we were about to record, I did a little wee-wee as I normally do. Are we going to... You've got to be quiet, otherwise you're going to have to leave. Should I just smack him? No.

Okay, no, just shaking. I'd buy tickets to that show. Just shaking. Actually, I would like to see him hit you. No, because he'll do that then. I almost took a sandwich and he threw a fist at me. He did, yeah. That's what did kids wanting to beat me up.

It's probably because it's a roll and you call it as a sandwich. What was on the roll, Vic? Biscoff's bread. Oh, la de da. I wonder what rating that would get by the nutritionists if they were here. Can we get the babel in here? Nothing at all, but I knew he would eat it and that would keep him quiet. Is it a bryosh bun?

No, it's just a nice fresh bread roll from Baker's home. Oh, must be nice. You're up early enough to go to the bakery. No, we got them yesterday, but Dan's very. particular about he has to have fresh bread. Oh, Kiwis. Fresh bread and their butter. Where's their butter from?

New Zealand. Yeah. Is that before or after they have sex with the sheep? Gotcha, Dan. Gotcha. I wonder if that sex is consensual. Okay, moving all along. Hey, when I was, I was awake recently, which we'll get into.

You did miss. You let you leave. You didn't leave the country. You left, we did. I was in international waters. So you were in international waters You were on a cruise Which I do feel a little left out

Because you went with another family And that's, we'll talk about that in private Because I'm going to bring it up with you Sure April was making me bring it up with you But you missed Arguably the weirdest weekend ever We had an invasion

The Great Moth invasion of 2026 Are you guys You're injured, you're okay, you're alive I'm lucky to be alive I've become really good at catching them They put up a fight man I was fighting one in the kids room and it spilled out into the street.

Was it a North Sydney thing, like Northern Beaches? No, Bondi. South Sydney, Western Sydney, everywhere. And what was, how? Okay, so apparently there was, it's been since 2017 that we've had a migration of these moths, which after me killing about 30 of them realized that they were technically endangered before this weekend.

So, I've killed like 30 endangered animals, and I'm a zoo ambassador, so I'm sorry. I did have a science. But also it's because we had a very mild winter, and mild winters create perfect breeding grounds for moths. Yeah, they do. Yeah, freaky little things. Yeah, they're just like, come over here and fuck me.

Yeah, the moths are like, yeah. Come on, fuck each other. All the moths are like, are you fucking really horny? Is it just me? Who's next? But I thought I was going crazy, because every time I'd bring a load of washing inside, when you're putting the clothes away,

you're like, a moth would fly out. And then another moth. And I'm like, what have we? done and then I realized it wasn't a disaster was everyone. I know. My kids haven't slept in their room since. They're scared. So first of all, it was I take pride in being called up to kill a bug.

Oh, do you kill him? Oh. I mean, rescue. Rescue with my fist. Anyway. So the kids were like, Dad, there's another one. And I was like, oh, fuck, I'm in there. Everyone's step aside.

I know. Stam beside, son. They put up a fight, man. I said to April, it's like I'm at the pub and I'm like, come on, I'll just take this to the street because it's fallen out the kid's bedroom door. How would you rescue the moth? What was your...

I started with a teetow where I was whipping. Yeah. Because they were in the top corner. Slow death. I would drown them. First I would de-wing them. Let them walk around. Oh my God.

And then I would attach them mouth to ass, like a moth human centipede. The kids are like, Daddy, is it dead yet? Not yet. Not yet. They've watched him eat and shit in each other's mouths. They've done nothing but fuck for months.

It's good to laugh. I'm like wrestling these fucking moths out of the kids' room. And they just kept reappearing so much. So, Macy, out cold, by the way. So she's on the bottom bunk. She doesn't notice a thing. She's like, Oscar is just every two minutes in the bedroom. There's another one.

There's no one. So we haven't. They just coming. If you left a door. a jar where they just they got in all the washing sneaky fuckers. So what happened was I thought I'd clear the room out and then like a good dad

I folded the washing okay. Thank you I folded the washing and then because the kids were still awake but they were reading their books I thought I might just sneak in and put this away put it away, walked out Ah! Ash come on you're gonna get us kicked out of this fucking studio

I don't care can I say I don't care and the reason I don't care is because I do this for the Dota's. Even the Dota's like, can you just... Just tone it down with it. You're just talking about de-winging your moth. I'm surprised, actually, this is probably the only safe place in Sydney, the studio. Oh, yeah.

Because it's been locked up all weekend. This is a moth freezer. Check your pockets. Yeah, no one's brought in. Honestly, did you get home and there's no moths at your house? Like the air in Bondi. Okay. Oh, wow.

We were having such a nice record. Remember Bondi's brought up. You guys start spitz. Getting on me like I'm fucking nothing. I didn't. You were about to laugh at his joke. Look, look at the laugh. She told me to say it.

Oh, there's such a lie. You're leaving early, so. All right. Vic's looking at the clock already. I know. She's clock watching. She's got to be in the highway in five minutes. She's got, what time do you want to plan on leave?

I think I do remember approving that leave. Can I just not to attack? Actually, two things. Okay. I made a joke about Perth people. All right? As you should. Whoa.

Whoa. Backwards town. Jesus, Ash. It's quite, man. You know what? I'm going after people. No, don't. Because apparently, I think, I think the way it's worked out, I don't know how we've gotten here,

but majority of our listeners are from W.A. Yeah. Because they're all like, you fucking what now? Yeah, it's because they're a bit behind. Because there was a guy. The son was called Baz driving with his kid on his lap. Oh, yeah, Baz. Happened in Perth.

And I was like, of course it happened in Perth. Because, you know, that's like, that's Perth people behavior. fair comment. And then a few people have been like, you better fucking watch yourself. And I was like, you and who else? And then all the donors were like us. And I was like, sorry. First of all, you're a few hours behind us.

So bugger off. And then second of all, it's a long way for you to come and have a crack at it. Don't. They'll fly over on bots. Yeah, yeah. Well, just sick the moths on there. Maybe the Perth people sent the moths. They came from Perth.

Do you know what? In my moth research, because I got really hyper fixated on this, moths can actually travel in the wind all the way to New Zealand. No. Yeah. Really? How do they track that? For real life.

Yeah. Do they, what do they just have one? Well, there's moths here that is obviously a specific species that were then found in New Zealand. And they travel on the wind because we had huge storms like the night after the moths arrived. And so we're like, yes, the storm's going to blow them away. Yeah. New Zealand's like, what? Yeah, you'd hate to be like caught in a westerly and be like, yeah, we're on the way in New Zealand.

And then in the easterly comes. You're like, no. Oh, we're going back. We're stuck in the wind again. Also the yucketree, the yucketree drop, which no one really jumped on the bandwagon of rage that I had, which is, that's fine. Fuck you all. I didn't even really understand. You didn't know what day it was.

No, a lot of the Dota's did. They were all like, that is wrong. But then they wanted more information. And I'm like, listen to the pod. Listen to the pod, man. How much more information do these people need? Everyone, well, not everyone. A few people thought that he was propagating because you cut off a yuck up, plant that.

but I'm going to dispute that claim because the neighbour also has yuckers on his side. So he wouldn't need to cut mine down because he's got his own yuckers to propagate, end off. But maybe he wanted to go, or that tree might think, was he not propagating me? Very, very good point. I don't even own a tree. None at all. Not one tree.

Any plants? I have one plant that's a peace lily. We bought peace lilies on the weekend. Did you? Yeah. Mine dies every two weeks. Oh, you just have to give it water and then... Yeah, I know.

It's the coolest plan, ever. You just say, you have to water it. Yeah, I know, we forget. No, it's the sort of plan where it like wilts and looks like it's dead. And you give it water and say, bing. They're so dramatic. So dramatic. It's like, oh, I'm thirsty.

I'm going to die. And then you give it like a drum of water and it's like, oh, I'm back. That's not enough. They're the toddler of trees. They are, well said. They are definitely a bit dramatic. So Yuckers done. Right.

I've got a question for you. Okay, my wife, April, my beautiful wife. She is beautiful. Thank you. Get your hands off her. Did you use the intimacy pillow this morning? No. Not this morning.

No. Maybe later. Is that thing just riddled and with calm in the corner of the room? And it's like, please. Stop. Not again. It's like, I'm reaching for something behind the pillow and it's like, no. No.

Also, good level just then. I've noticed, well done. You didn't shout. You didn't shout. Did she wait. Good boy. Crash out. phrases.

Oh, yeah. So April used to, her biggest crash out phrase used to be, oh, for fuck's sake. Classic. That's, honestly, if this was family feud, that'd be number one. Yeah. Okay. That's mine. I love it.

That's yours. Why? Why, we all love it? For fuck sake. It's just the, for fuck, but, but, but, April's got a new one. Go on. I've picked up on it and then she's admitted it to me after already knew because I'm quite an observant guy.

Very. Every day and then in the house, I would just hear like a bit of a, like a mudder. Like she's mutely. That cartoon, like, the dog? Yeah. Yes.

And then I hear this, are you a little fucker? I don't know. Mom? I was going to say, that sounds like Ash. Yeah, I'm like,

what's going on? And then April, like a few days went by and she was like, I'm not sure if you noticed. I've been a little bit, just edgy. I'm like,

okay, is it, I was like, is it have anything to do with you calling everything a little fucker? And she was like, how did you know?

I'm like, babe, that I can hear, every, I'll be literally in the one room. I'm like, let's face it, I'm gaming. And I just hear this, I don't have a fucker.

Louis's going to be loving this chat. Yeah, he's going to get the car and be like, Hey, mommy, little fucker. Louis, don't do that. Oh, Lily, fuck you. Oh, God, the car trip to former Corey's going to be egg dick. Make sure, hey, Louis, make sure you save some of them swear words

for when your dad gets in the car, yeah? Thank you. Also, we need to convince. Dan to come on the pod. Oh, yeah. Well, now that Louis's been on, Dan will be on. Yeah. April's dad, pop up, he is quite an under the breath mutterer.

And she's picked it up from him. I call it little Frankie. She hates it because his name's Frank. Yeah. And so he'll walk around the house and he'll be like, things to do. Fucking fucking, fucker. Or he'll like like a cupboard or clothes. He'd be like, oh, fuck up.

So April's turned into her dad. He just random parts of the day I'll hear this. Oh, yeah, fucker. Oh, shit. Frank. Does Laura have a crash out break? Oh, she normally just looks at me and she's like, why the fuck did I marry you?

Matt? I don't know. Laura mixes it up. Mine is, I love it for fuck sake. And then, are you fucking kidding me? Oh,

yeah, that's good. Oh, God. Oh, God. We really, he's like a parrot. He's like, fuck.

Polly wants to fuck. Pull the curtain back. He's there, he says smoking. He's a, this is the most sweary episode and there's a child. filed in the room and I think that's the point.

Yeah, yeah. I said to Louis, I was like, look, you're going to hear a lot of swearing today. It's okay. It's a special treat that you're here and we'll never talk about it again. It's confusing, isn't it? Because, you know, we're trying. Also said you're allowed to swear. I did. Because then he asked me, he's like, can I swear? I'm like, only in this room. If you feel like you really need to do it, this is a safe space. This is a swearing room. Maybe we should tell all the other businesses. If any of them need to let off some steam.

Come in here. This is the fuck room. So what's yours? For fuck sake. All right, this is to the Dota's. Can you please send us what your mom crash out phrases? If it's anything other than those ones, like if it's something very specific, that'd be great. Moving on. Ash,

I don't know if you saw in the media recently. Not social media, like mainstream. Mainstream. Wow, you've changed. ABC. Nonetheless. Okay. You like the ABC.

You're a big ABC guy. Am I? Well, I did a little article. We talked about the health committee, talking about what a parents need. How was your experience? Oh, yes. As a parent, I did put forward the suggestion of free coffee.

You did put that. I submitted it. And then what did they say? And, well, they haven't said anything just yet. It's being reviewed. It will be reviewed. And a reminder to any parent out there, you can put forward your suggestions. We'll put the link in the show notes.

Just let us, let the government know what we need more of. Free coffee. For parents. So my suggestion, Ash, was greater screening and awareness for dads in regards to post-natal depression. Yeah, okay, yeah. I feel that's appropriate. Because I was thinking of you. I know that.

I was just going to say that when I was going through. I did this for you, Ash. Thank you. Me only. Yeah. I get leave. No, I get screened. Everyone's second leave.

I thought you're going to say I wanted more screen time. That's what I thought you're going to say. I was like, well, that could be arranged. Yeah, because I remember when April was I was going through it and I was supporting her. But I didn't feel like, even though at the time, I remember thinking I, I'm not feeling okay, but it doesn't fucking matter about me. Right.

That's how I felt. And I would assume there's a lot of dads out there, whether it's now, whether it was before, whether it, maybe you've got anxiety about that coming up. But if you're not feeling okay, it's completely okay for you to say,

I need some help. Yeah, fuck. And we're not saying, we're not saying that the focus shouldn't be on mum because absolutely first and foremost, she should get the attention. Oh, yeah.

Because apparently it's, It's traumatic. I don't know. But a happy, healthy dad will support a mom. Oh, yeah. Good recovery. Thank you, Vic. I think that support, even a tiny little amount of support for dad in that situation

can go a long way. But there was a couple. I didn't write back to any because we know what people are like on social media. There's just a lot of fuckwits out there. And there was a couple of people who are like, what it does get upset about? What it does get depressed about? And I was like, oh, I'll tell you. Don't take the bait.

Don't take the debate. I know, I know. I'll tell you. Because firsthand, I'll tell you what we get upset about. Try coming home every day to a wife that hasn't slept, a kid that hasn't slept. Everyone's crying. It's an absolute war zone in the house. You know what?

People who have said comments like that because the article got posted on social media, those people who are like, what would a dad get upset about? I'm like, I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you because you've obviously got a partner who does absolute fuck all. Oh, yeah. Sing it, sister. And so I was like, it's a shame that you found yourself in a situation where the thought of a man suffering any type of mental struggle postpartum is like unimaginable to you. I was like, that sucks.

You imagine if your partner actually opened up to you? Yeah. Like you think what could you possibly be upset about shows how little you know about that man and what potentially he's doing when you're not there? Or when he's out in the wild, if he doesn't care about you enough to show any emotion, I feel really sorry for you. I do. I do. And I'm not going to write back to those comments. I'm going to let it slide. It's not worth it. They need to figure it out on their own. Also on social media. Whilst we're there. We're back to social media. Back to social media. This is still housekeeping. I can't remember her name. I'm sorry to the dodo who didn't know what housekeeping was, but confirming if you were. Is it Emma? Very good. Emma, we are still in housekeeping.

We broke the internet. Did we? Oh, we did. Break the internet. Whoops. And to me, if anyone hasn't seen the photos, it's posted on our accounts, on two dotting dads, plus yours and mine. A little photo shoot when we did the calendars, Dana Allodulla, on the beach, sunset, hand in hand, piggybacking each other. Lovely. It was very cute. I had to take a photo. It was quick. We went down there because you wanted to go for a swim.

And it got to tell you, it's too cold. It was too cold. So instead, we took a couple of snaps, as she does with her camera. We posted them online. It's got like a million fucking likes. 1.4 million. Likes or views? Views.

Views. That's pretty good. We have to thank the gays for that. We really do. Special shout out to the gays. Yes. The bears. Yes.

The bears, the twinks. It wasn't just the gays though. It was people. Don't take this away from the gays. It was the friends. You tops and bottoms. You're out there. Keep it up.

God's work and I love you. As a family photographer, no one gets a friendship shoot, but friends are so important to us. And it was actually, I think, a really nice reminder to people to have a photo with your friends. You are absolutely right because we do talk about our friends, hang out with our friends all the time, and we cherish those friends forever, but then we're like,

let's get a photo shoot my family who I hate. But also like, as far as photoshoots go, Vick, working with us as talent, I imagine it would have been quite easy. Enjoyable? We were late. I know that much. Well, one of you was very into it

and the other one was very wingy. You were very wingy. I wonder if the doters can guess, which one? was into it and which one, there is one photo actually as I'm skipping down the beach like a dog, like a little kelpies, she's like, ah! And then next to me is grumpy, me old dog over here. I'm just like, oh my back hurt. It's cold. It's too windy. It's too windy. Oh, the sand, the bloody year. I've been forced into things. You know that. And the photos are great, Vic. Thank you. Well, actually,

Movember saw them and was very impressed, and they have a campaign coming out about romance. And so they want to offer someone a free photo shoot with me to actually get a photo shoot with a friend. Oh, with a friend. Yeah. Do we approve that? Do we? No, are you doing this on holidays? Well, there'll be a competition soon, but yeah.

Very cool. If you have a friend, we'll have details about that very soon. And congrats to you, Vic, they're great photos. The keen eye at Movember were like, what's this? Let me say little fuckers. Who took these fun of the fuckers? And we may. We may end up on a billboard.

I know. There's talk of that, yeah. My work. There is. In my head, I was like, is it going to be like, I don't know if you saw Life Uncutt, took a photo with the billboard in Melbourne. Oh, yeah, we should so do that. I'm like, please, please, please, please, please be a big old billboard.

Bigger than theirs. Like, do you remember we were getting lunch the other week? And as we're walking back, Vic, we look at the building that we're in. There's a billboard on the building. Nash was like, I'm going to buy that billboard. I don't know. I actually say we should buy the building. I was like, and then you're like, aim high, Matt.

And you're like, billboard, I'm like, okay. You're like, I'm going to look at how much that cost. And I'll tell you what, if there's one thing that I'm going to fucking do, it'll be putting us on that billboard. My kids will starve, but we'll be on that billboard. Daddy, I'm hungry. Why do we have any presents this Christmas? Because Matt Nash needed to be on a billboard.

That's the present. So, Movember, no pressure. I bet you want to bus stop somewhere, somewhere in like Perth. Better than, I reckon. Joking, Perth people. a joke I like yeah it'd be like in Perth and we'll be completely backwards

The campaign will be well and truly over by the time it's put up in Perth shit honestly Perth people we actually if we ever do a tour we're going to Perth first I got a tattoo in Perth one love Perth

4 am job do you want to say it that one oh god so it's an upside down so it's not cool with an emoji thumbs up and then it's a it was honestly the guy's eyes were like that.

Anyway, breaking news. Let's go straight into the news, Vig. What are you got for us? Before we get into the news, I just wanted to give a little shout out to Ola, who was one of my photography clients over the week. And she... Sorry, Olla?

Ola. It's a Celtish name. Ah. Irish. Irish. Yeah. Ola. It's a beautiful name, Ola.

Anyway, she is a grief counsellor. And she is a huge donor. Oh, do not about you? I don't know. Oh, la, la. No, I was like, go, go, go, yeah. But she sends her clients the episodes to listen to as part of her grief counsellor. As like distraction from the rest of their lives or?

No, she says, you know, she can tell them all she can, but you guys actually sink in. So for a husband or a client who's male, she will send them specific episodes and say, go for a walk and listen to this episode. Mental Health Walk. I thought you'd like that. Menti B Walk, yeah.

And yeah, she literally recommends specific episodes. So like one about when you had postnatal depression or one about miscarriage. So what you're saying is that Alla is outsourcing her work to us. And she's getting paid the full amount. Okay. Okay. That's how I'm seeing this. One, I appreciate it.

But two, I also do not appreciate it. Hey, she's spreading the word. A shitload of money here. I think I only do this for the money. Just so you know and you and everyone knows, only do that. Thank you all. And if anyone is listening from Aola, please, I'm all out of laughs. No, I don't know.

I don't know. All right then. What's breaking news? No, actually, no, if you are a listener sent from Ola, message us. Let us know. Yeah. I thought that was really sweet. Alla email us.

Oh my God. Sorry, Ola. It's like, fuck. Or all, DM us. We could go all day. Okay. Well, I think. Think's like, hurry up, I'm going to get out of here.

Let's keep the last. going, shall we? A 36-year-old man from Cheshire required an emergency circumcision and heavy antibiotics after placing popping candy beneath his foreskin and failing to wash properly. Over three weeks, the dissolving candy mixed with built-up grime to form a painful crust before he collapsed in the street and was rushed to hospital with a severe infection. Now recovering at home, he's warned others that what seemed like harmless candy experimentation nearly cost him his life. You don't, that's not an awareness piece that needs to go out there. Like no one's going, want to put this popping candy in my foreskin.

What's that article? Oh, God, it's a bad idea. I know, it's like one of those things is like, who, why? I know. Why did you try this? And also, can I just give a very friendly reminder to all of the uncircumcised kings out there? Wash behind your foreskin, please. Question from the back.

The circumcised one at the back. Hi, coming from someone who's been circumcised since they were six or five, I believe it was. Yeah, you're a late onset circumcision. Louis, age. Hey, Louis, come out of there! No, I don't actually. For anyone who doesn't remember, I was born with too much foreskin. Yeah, the six skin.

Yes. Okay, this is going to be a dumb question. Go on. But I hope this is a place of no judgment here. And you ask just someone who I think is very hygienic. Yeah, I'll brush my teeth like three or four times a day. There you go. Okay, so how often are you washing your foreskin?

It's the cleanest part of my body. There's nothing cleaner on me. My dick and bald are the cleanest thing I own. Prove it. All right. Honestly, I wash it so meticulously. And as everyone should. How often?

Any chance, like, I'd do it right now if you said, wash your dick. But like, are you doing it like every shower? Do you have to? Yeah. And again? Any chance I can to clean behind my foreskin, I'll do it. And does it? The gays are like, this is the best podcast in the world.

And with soap or what are you using? Anything I get our hands on. Because doesn't it sting? Yeah, I'm curious because I've got to obviously teach Louis how to do it. It's inappropriate. I don't need you to show me. That's crossing a line here. This is ashes genitalia we're talking about.

I'm not asking for a show and tell. Oh, there it is. How do you teach Oscar? How do you teach? teacher Oscar. That's a good question. His mum does. No. Look, I just say, look, you've got to pull it back as far as you can. Okay, just to give it a little wash behind. My mom was always the same with me. She was like, remember, I love you, but wash behind your ears and your voice again. Look, I do have a horrible story I was told by someone whether you guys are ready for it.

Yeah, of course. A friend of mine who is part of the adult industry, I think you can put two and two together you who I'm talking about. His name may or may not be the girth master. Yep. But he was telling him about a friend of his who was a S worker who had a client, folded it back, and he hadn't washed under there for, she reckons it was so repulsive she had to leave. Don't be that guy.

I know. That's the bright face. Isn't it why they call it Dick Cheese? Wow. Wow. Okay. This is a family friend. It really isn't.

I don't know. Like, what am I supposed to do with that? Dip a bickie in it. That's what you do. You guys are disgusting. Oh, my fucking God. Okay, good to know. Thank you, Ash, for that very helpful bit of information.

So, wash your foreskins. There it is. There it is. Are we still in housekeeping? We are now out. We are officially out. We've closed the door on housekeeping and moving on. Let's whip through.

I know. That might as well be the housekeeping episode. I want to show you a video. Take your pants off, show me that video. Take your pants back, roll it back and show me that video. Have you claimed it? Have you claimed it? Who's editing me?

Me? No, I do not. Big's like, who is editing this one? I've outsourced to Locker. He's going to love it. Oh my gosh. Lockhe's send us to your friends. And shout out to Lockie.

Yeah, shout out to Locky. What does yours look like when you roll it back? Oh, God. Okay, show us the video. Okay, sorry, yes. Matt, I have a video that I want to show you of my beautiful daughter, Macy, who's turning five next month, month after next. What a change of gears.

Sorry, what a change of gears? Playing with her beloved Bubba. I just want to see if you can see anything that may or may not be off about this video. Oh, my God. Show me her. Oh, my God. Oh, I see. See how sticky.

Oh, it has to. Okay. All right. She's like a plastic surgeon. Explain what you've just watched. She's done some work on this doll. This doll is just, oh my God, is bug-eyed, just wrapped in cellar tape. So the other day.

Cellar tape or sticky tape? Either either. Why sell a tape? That's a conversation for another time. That's a debate. You're right. You're right. You're right.

You can debate that late. later. So this is what's happened over the weekend. Okay, Macy's asked for some sticky tape. I said, no worries. She's probably doing some arts and crafts, something lovely like that. I don't know, maybe she's making me something. Yeah. I'd love to see that. Sometimes kids just come at you with random requests. And instead of having a dig and find out what it's for, you're just like, path of least resistance. Here's the tape. Yeah, well you let me, as long as you're not going to hurt yourself. That's fine. Yeah. Anyway, so I've making myself lunch, as one does at lunchtime. Makes sense. Well said. And then I,

I sat down the table and I was shocked with what I saw. Also concerned with what I saw. My daughter has cellotate or siketoc, we haven't worked that out yet, over the doll's face. For what reason? I do not know. But it is the freakiest looking thing I've ever seen. You better sleep with your eyes open, pal. Well, there's a movie called Bad Boy Bubby.

Was that one? From like, oh, would it be in the 90s maybe? If someone knows what I'm talking about. This is going to sound horrible. It was a child who cling wrapped his parents' face while they were asleep. Oh. To kill them. To kill them.

Okay. And then he did it to the cat. Bad boy Bubby. Bad boy Bubby. Haven't seen it. I will watch it. Should I be concerned? Or is it just completely?

Yeah, dude. Oh my God. Yeah, it was scary. It's scary. Yeah, we'll put it up on our socials. It reminds me of that scary doll from Toy Story. Yeah. She'd take the eyelids open.

Oh, my God. Specifically on separate bits. But also, she was the only one in the family who wasn't scared of the moths. She was sleeping, sound asleep. She can also lie, point blank to my face. Oh my gosh. Psychopath. Yeah, dude.

Okay. Sleep with one eye over. If I'm not here next week, you guys know why. All right, Jessica Dahmer, because she's a girl. Oh, Jepica. Yeah, there is. Thank you. Jerica.

Jerica. Sorry, Gerica. Jerica, we love you. She's just like, I just want to take a couple of pictures. All right. Sorry, moving on. You're on a cruise. I was on a cruise.

Hey, I was on a cruise. Hey, I was on a cruise. And I got back from the cruise this morning. It was weird because I got, with, I got with, Marley was there, Popper was there. My, Molly. Lola. Laura did come. Nana was there as well.

And? And another family. Can you believe that? I know. Where was our invite? You're probably on another holiday somewhere. Yeah. Good, good shift of attention on the bed.

I know. Thank you. I know. Anyway, I'll run this up because she's got to get on holidays. The cruise was good. But yeah, I got off the boat, the ship, I should say. They hate it when you call it a boat. You cannot call it a boat. They hate it.

Because it's not a boat. It's not a boat. It floats. It floats. It's a boat. I call a boat a boat a spade. A spade. Yeah. I mean, naval people need to chill out. The seamen really need to chill out. They do need a...

Very good. The semen. They're semen all over that boat. And I don't mean the people who work there. There he is. That's why I did this podcast with you. Thank you. Thank you.

But I got off the boat, the ship, sorry, this morning, went home, dropped the kids off, and then drove back past the ship. And I was like, hello, ship. But I feel like I'm a bit drunk still because I'm just, we have a bit of swell. It's like two metre swell. And so I like it. Any moffs?

No, not a single moth. You lucky bastard. I know. You're the only kids in Sydney that aren't terrorised. I'm there drinking a peanut collider. And you guys are like, every man for themselves the months are coming

the plague yeah I know like the day of reckoning is upon us I know I thought I thought it was like the world was ending or something

I checked the group chat between you guys and it's like 84 messages and it's just ash being like taken by the moths and flown out to the horizon

I just went 10 rounds with a bunch of moths but the cruise was great man I mean I do wish my kids were just a little bit more fucking grateful if I'm being honest

oh it's every time I just wish they were a little bit more you know, like, come on guys. Like a thank you, dad, or like a, this is great. I'm so lucky to be here. No, it's like, my fucking thing is cold. They had a Dr. Zeus breakfast, so they have thing one and thing two characters from,

and they have green eggs and ham. Literally, and they serve you and they're singing songs. And then the kids are like, this is pretty good. And then the next thing, they're like, we have to go back to the, yeah. Take your pants off. What else you got? What else you got? They just a split second of nothing happening.

They're like, well, I'm fucking. bored and this sucks. I'm like, you've literally, you've done arts and crafts, you've built a little like necklace, you've had your breakfast served by Dr. Zeus characters, you've done dancing, we're about to do karaoke, and it's not even 11 o'clock, and you're already fucking bored. I know, as soon as there's any break. Maybe there's like too much stimulation and they're just like, must keep going. Yeah, I do have to say a couple of things. Yeah. And I want to just preface this chat with a shout out to Nana, because she is and has been, Nelly, thank you Vic

Ellie. Nelly. She changed her name. Not Nana, not Ellie, it's Nelly. Not legally though. No. No, not legally. As her Nana name.

It's a disorder. She is an enormous help. Most of the time. She's a vocal help. Like there is so nice having her on the cruise because Poppy's still having two naps during the day. And in those moments, Nellie's like, I'm happy just to like sit in the room

you know, with the white noise blaring and it's blacked out. She's like, I'll have another nap. But then there are other moments, and she may listen to this episode, and I love you so much. But there are other moments where it's kind of like having a fourth child. I'm not getting involved. Okay, no. So, and just in my defense, and again, 90% of the time, incredible.

Why am I sweating? So we get to Morton Island, which is where this ship, docks. You see there for a day. The boat. The boat. Obviously, a lot of people on the cruise ship come onto the island and at certain periods of the day, it's very busy. There's only one stop on this boat.

Everyone's getting off. Yeah. And we're having a great time because the weather was amazing. We're in the beach. We're in the water. And before you know it, you're like, shit, it's 12 o'clock. And the kids are like, we're fucking hungry. And you're, okay, I've got to go order something.

2,000 people also are hungry at 12 o'clock as well. So big cues, okay? And so Nana goes, who wants pinnacoladas? And I'm like, hey, that's a great suggestion. Read the room, Nana. She has this thing that she's like, we need a pinocolada. And I think she's got ADHD. And when she gets an idea and she's like, does anybody want a pinnacolada?

And everyone's like, do you know what? Okay for now. We'll get one later. Probably some food. And she's like, I'm getting pinnacolata. Because there no line at the pinnacolada. The fucking lines, enormous. Enormous lines.

And I'm like, hey, Nellie, what we're going to do first? We're going to just feed the kids because they're hungry and getting pretty crabby. Get that sorted. Then we'll go get the pinnacoladas. And she's like, nah. She goes, okay, okay. Like, this is my holiday. I know.

All right? So then we go to one place to order burgers, but they only serve burgers. There's another line up which does fish and chips and nuggets for the kids. So I'm like, that's fine. Me and Nellie are together right now. I line up for the burger line, which is a massive fucking line, by the way. And I go to Nelly, I say, hey, I'm going to stay in this line. You go to the other line.

It's just over there. That's the other line. You wait there. And by the time I order here, I'll come and meet you. And she goes, but what do the kids want? And I was like, it doesn't matter because that line's also enormous. And this line's moving pretty quick. So by the time I get to you, you'll just be towards the front.

Yeah. But if you get to the front, just get some like chicken nuggets and some fish and chips. and she's like, what, who, her? She's like, she's like, and then she's like, but I can't, but where's the line? It's right there. Just stand here. And then I go, do you know what?

It's fun. You stay with me. We'll do this together. So I look at the menu and then look back and I go, fuck, she's gone. Oh my God. She's gone. And I'm like, look around and literally I just glance at the menu, glance back, disappeared.

disappeared. She's quite short too. I know. She's just like, I'm fucking thirsty. She's quite short too. I just like, I can't see her even.

She just dissolves into the crowd. So I order my hamburgers. I go to the other line thinking that she's going to be there. No sign of her. And I'm like, she's never going to answer her phone. So I'm calling her,

calling her, finally fifth ring call. She's like, hello? I'm like, where are you? And she's like, I'm in a line. And I'm like, line for what? She's like, I don't know. Oh, my God.

And I'm like, where are you? She's like, somehow got wandered into another restaurant lined up there. And I'm like, come back to where we were. She's like, I'm lost. How? So I'm like, fuck. So I order for the kids. I'm then trying to find Nelly, who's lost on the island somewhere.

She's like, did you see that article? It was like, drunk guy helped search parties find himself. That's what it's like. For five hours, she's just like, where is she? I love it. And she's so... Where was she? Pinnacolada.

Yeah, she was just drunk under a tree with five pinnacoladas. She just joined a random line. But she just, she loves a chat. So we're getting... I had to get off the ship this morning. And I was like, in a rush because Vic has a holiday to go to. I know.

And so, like, you can get off at 7 o'clock. So I'm like, hey, guys, bags, back. We're at the front door at 7 to get off. Let's go off. We're walking off. And I'm like, where the fuck's Nelly? And she's talking to a crew member. She's like, where are you from?

And she was like, this crew... It's on her badge. crew members like, oh, I'm actually from America. My mum was like, what? And how long have you been on? And I was like, not America. And I was like, Nelly. Don't mention Trump.

Don't mention Trump. Don't, don't, no talking. You're not allowed to talk to anyone. I know, I've cruised with your mum. Yes. Your mum and my dad together. Oh my God. But they just don't shut up.

I know. The last cruise that we were on, Dad had to get wheeled off in a wheelchair. You got pneumonia. That's right. Remember? Oh, well, dad. It was the first one off.

the boat when we docked and it's like 6 a.m in the morning. Anyway, so we're like in our room and because you're up against the dock you can see the ramp. You just see dad getting pushed in his wheelchair. And the kids are like, what? What's the pneumonia? Straight to hospital. How do you get that? It was just after his triple bypass. So he wasn't 100% but he was able to cruise and travel and stuff like that. Drama queen, isn't he? I know. We're at karaoke. And I've had about 30 red wines and what did I sing? Tequila, but I did it specifically out of tune and out of time. So I was like, tequila.

He loved it. He loved it so much he got pneumonia. The next day, my mom was like, you have to leave your dad in the room. So he was in the room for three days at Vanuatu and then we got back. Why to ruin the cruise dad? I know, fully. Also, I did karaoke. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, actually. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up, Vic. Settle down, Vic. Whoa, settle down. We went on a cruise together. I put us down for karaoke to do it as a duet and guess who didn't and refused to get up.

Me. Him. Because I didn't know the song. What song was it? I can't remember. But it was such a fucking random song. It was the P&O theme song. Yes.

He's like anything from Chopsha. He's not scared. He wants it. Tell me more about that, fours again. Tough crowd though Was a tough crowd Yeah Everyone did karaoke

At least I wasn't there shaming you from the audience I encouraged you Oh PTSD over here I've never karaokeed again And I refused to karaoke Actually I did I did I'll do it again

And Miley did karaoke as well Yes And she's quite good And she was a bit flat I thought That's what you want to be in karaoke And she And afterwards

stage dad She was so nervous And she was like Devastated because she was like, I didn't sing as good as I normally do. And I was like, I was like in tears while she was doing it. But she was like, it's funny. You didn't cry when I did it.

Because it was terrible. You just said it was flat. Yeah, you're on. Let it go. Let it go. She was so nervous. She was absolutely. It is scary.

And I was like, you did great. And she was like, I'll never do it again. And I was like, me and her like this. I'll never karaoke again. Except worst thing was she lost her shoes. Day one. In karaoke? No, she left them by the pool.

And they got taken. That was stolen. No, lost and found. And we found them on the last day. So the whole cruise, she's just barefoot. You only bought one pair of shoes. Don't you dare judge Matt. That's not judgment.

That sounded pretty judging to me. That was pretty judging. That was like funny. Kids lose shit, especially your kids. You know that. What do you mean by your kids? Wow. Don't shame my kids.

Pictures over there go, let me just dig this hole. You're there serving Louis Bonofi pie for lunch. I'm saying he can swear. And you have the nerve to judge me. And then my one pair of shoes. I'm not judging you, I promise. But I always have to take two pairs of everything because they'll always lose something. Well, that's a you problem.

Sorry, Vic. So where did you find him? Where you left them? No, we went back, finally went back again to guest services. And they're like, oh, are these the white crocs? And I was like, oh, fucking hell. Yeah, yeah. Imagine the lost property that actually speaking of lost property.

When we went to Canberra, I got a call from the hotel and they're like, sir, you've left. And literally the items that I've left was like a shirt, slides, socks, underpants, snacks, my Lego. It was like, I was like, oh, I left my pillow. The sex pillow? No, I would never leave that. I've got it in the boot of my car just in case I want to pull over. How did they send it to you?

They didn't. I just said, you know what? Just keep it. but I was like put it in the other hotel room that we still haven't stayed in. You know what I've been staying years ago. Anyway, I'd do back you guys, but I thought that was great. Honestly, I think that was very good. Hardly because we bullied Vic quite a lot, more than usual.

It was so much fun, though. And we do it, Vic, because we love you. Yes. Yeah. Bullying is fun. Don't cry. Vick's like, oh God, I need this holiday. Another holiday.

Wasn't you just in Aladala? No. Jet setting everywhere. I'll have a lot of you guys. I don't recall. Don't remember that. I don't remember that trip. How long are the Gold Coast for?

We've got like two nights, Port Macquarie. Two? Three nights, gold coast. And then we're still tossing up whether we drive back in one day or split it up again on the way back. I split it. Because it's the grand final. Yeah, but the worries aren't in it. The Knights are.

So all the Roosters. I know, but we want to go for the Knights. Yeah, me too. I think every, except for you. Me? You can't, I've got messages that say, I'm a Roosters fan now. Did I say that? Yeah, you did.

Do it in one trip. Do it in one trip. But also more importantly, Vic, you've been working incredibly hard. And I'm in serious, this is not a piss date. You have been working so hard all year and you deserve a break. So just make sure this episode is edited on time. Was Vietnam not enough? Be careful.

You deserve a break. It's shame that you're going with your family. Hey, Louie. I mean, you everyone in the kids uh yes have fun enjoy yourself and if you've enjoyed this episode boom yes segue right a review or something right a review let subscribe subscribe subscribe definitely subscribe um and then you you must you must you must you must what's say for the awesome social media two dotting dads there is a ticot there is an instagram there is

youtube and there is facebook the facebook group um i'm shocked i actually i I do want to give a mention to the YouTube Watchers. They've really come out of the woodwork. They're funny, aren't they, those YouTube watches? I love them. I've always said that they're a strange breed. They're all the Perth people. They're all from Perth.

We don't have TikTok or Instagram over here yet. Louis's going to go. Louis's got to go. I'm rambling. A lot of YouTube watches. That's like I want to go on holidays. I'll see you guys on. Wait, the next episode is housekeeping, answering all your dotting dilemmas.

Thank you. Thank you. What she said. No, no, no, you say it. No, that's great. We'll get that in. You'll get that. You nailed that.

You delivered that very well. That's, I want to remember. And Louie, you have been very well behaved. Louis, well done on your first episode. Hey, Louie, you're just going to say, bye, everyone. Goodbye. Yeah. Yeah.

See ya. Bye. Two doting dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.