Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #96 Our Kids Are On The Run From The Law

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

Preplanned sexy time gets pushed back after an unsuspecting interruption enters the room between Matt and Laura#96 Our Kids Are On The Run From The Law 🧄 👀 The Wicks family are on the run after realising they've made a common shopping mistake that can only be blamed on the kids. Do you have a Parenting Hack Or F*ck That? Plus, we tackle your questions! When did you stop hating your partner? Do you regret getting circumsized? Make sure you share your best Parenting Lies with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Picture this. Old boy at the shops. Any old boy. And you know when you mean old boy, it's like an old boy. Buys one thing from the shop and he says to the lady behind the counter, Biggest sale of the day. Because it's not that big of a sale. Yeah and it's like, why are you like, yeah, biggest sale of the day there, Dal. Okay. You don't like it.

No, it's not your best. I just thought it was funny because I was watching this old guy at the checkout. You need to stop watching old people like that. That's not illegal. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable. And there's one thing that we never have, we never will do on this podcast, and that's give you, the good listener, any type of advice.

Hmm. We wouldn't dare. No. I wouldn't dare. No. We thought about it. And then once we thought about it, we've had to smack ourselves and be like, God damn it. Have some sense. We'll never do it. Yes. How was your weekend? Do you know what I did? In the morning, went to the beach. I saw that. Came back from the beach. Must have been nice. And do you know what I... Sorry. Okay. I got my lawn mower and I cut the grass. At the beach.

Right? No, I came back home. Sorry. Came back home. I mowed my lawn. I pulled out some weeds. Yeah. It does look nice back there.

And do you know what I did after that? Sleep. I sat down and I got a beer out of the fridge. Oh, and I had a sip of Stonawood Pacific Ale. I've got one right in front of me. Cheers. You know, we often talk about different scenarios where the beer tastes better. That is a good one. And finishing the gardening.

I mean, I've got about five square meters of lawn. Not all of us have about four football fields, Ash. I'm more of a have a beer before I do the lawn. Especially a sonar would Pacific Isle. It's like juice, like nectar. It's Byron Bay in a bottle. And where do those galaxy hops come from Tasmania? Yes, it is Byron Bay in a bottle.

They brew their golden, hazy Pacific air with all Australian barley, wheat, and Galaxy Hops from Tasmania. We do love those Galaxy Hops. All those combined gives this beer a big tropical fruit aromas and flavors. And of course, we'd like to thank Stone and Wood for making this episode possible. I will give a shout out to one of the members in the Facebook group, Damien. Damo. Damo.

Damo. He posted a couple of photos, Ash. I don't know if you saw it, but he said, it's a sign! Exclamation mark. The burger shop I come to with my dad and my two-year-old son, Riley, every Friday is now serving the nectar of the gods. Damo's lucked out. Have a look at the gods. Damos lucked out. Have a look at the burger. That is a good burger. Hello.

The light shining off that stone and wood. That is a lovely way to spend a Friday afternoon with a burger and a stone and wood. And do you know what the best thing is when you get it out of the fridge and go outside, frost up on the outside like that. You need to stop flirting with me. We don't need some time alone.

How was your weekend? It was a bit of a weird one to be honest with you. I don't know if you saw in the news. The bushfire! I am so sorry for not checking on you. I live in the bushlands now and not one. You know how I was like, oh shit, Benny J's avoiding me this weekend. I know he said last week when I start to call now, you're like, oh fucking what? And I could have been dying. That was a big fire. It was huge. I have been driving through your new neck of the woods and thought to myself, wow, there is a lot of trees.

This is a danger zone. It wasn't close to us, thankfully. Don't say that. It was within visuals. Yo, there we go. But this is the thing, right? So it's only within visuals because we're on a hill and we can see across. The valley. Must be nice.

Over to the other mountain. And do I live on a hill or a mountain? How do you define that? Do I live on a hill or is it? To live on a mountain or to not live on a mountain? It's a mountain range. Oh well. It's a mountain range.

But the fire started midway through. Do I live in a castle or a palace? Who's going to rescue me? True love's first kiss. Am I a prince or count now? I'm in my ivory tower looking over the mountain range. Over the ranges as we call them. Do they tell you, are you informed that there's going to be a hazard reduction burn?

No, definitely not. Imagine if they had, imagine the freak outs people would have. It's like, we're going to do a hazard reduction burn around your house. Oh my God, no. We might get out of control. Like this one. Anyway, it really got, it really kicked off. But the thing, it didn't start, it started midway through my midday nap.

Cause I woke up and I was like, no, I didn't smell it. I was like, what's all these helicopters busing around my house for? So what they were doing is they were dumping water from helicopters, right? The whole weekend. I'm talking 48 hours. They're still there some this morning still to get the surrounding area. Where do they get the water from? The ocean? This is the thing.

Please tell me. They get the water. They were getting the water from the golf course behind my house. They would have been livid. The country club. Oh yeah. That's like the most expensive golf club. The country club would be like, let them burn. They're like, that's expensive water.

expensive golf club. The country club would be like, let them burn. They're like, that's expensive water. It must be a good spot because it's on top of the rangers. And the helicopter must be able to get in there really early. So many helicopters.

I've never seen anything like it. I thought for the whole weekend, I felt like I was in an episode of MASH. Yeah. That's just what I heard. Do do do do do do do do. You know how radar is like coming back. Those poor Vietnam vets must be like, ah.

At the top of the hill there, they were like, oh, my golf club, my rich country club. So yeah, even this morning is still a bit mash like. But no one thankfully, no one injured. No, I didn't. I got what I went to the Manly game on the Saturday night. It got home and because it was dark, obviously I could see. You went to the football while, whilst your neighborhood was on fire. Got to support the team. Honestly, probably would have been more entertaining watching the fire, but getting home in the Uber and it was dark.

I could just see glowing. Yeah. And I was like, that's scary. Someone better get that on the control. How was Oscar? Was he freaking out over the helicopters? That was like, there it is again. Loving it or?

Yeah. Loving it. Nice. He was like, more fire. Part of the making. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you're okay. And I apologize for not checking on you.

That's on me. Selfish. I'm sorry. You're only ever thinking about yourself. I was watching the news, like a boomer being like, Oh gosh. Now you would have been like, Oh, good thing I don't know anyone over there.

Not anymore, cause he's dead. Burnt alive to a crisp. I'm glad you're okay. Anyway, the acreage is fun. Thank you. Horses are fun. Um, I went to the pub on Friday. Here he is.

Went to the pub on Friday. No invite. I've got it. You wouldn't have come. You're too busy. You know that. Lighten fires. I told you that.

There is something about you. The screams fire. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I went to the pub on Friday. First time going to the diggers. Is it called the diggers? I don't know if it's formally called the diggers, but people call it the diggers. Above the big septic tank. Yeah. It's a weird location. I've got a beautiful golf course right next to like the sewerage plant of Bondi. Beautiful.

Used to just pump that. Members visa through the roof. Sometimes when it's a downwind we get a, like, what's that smell? It's the sewerage. Sometimes when it's a downwind, we get a, like, that smell, it's a sewerage. Um, but there's a golf and I say like golf club, but it's like, it hasn't changed from the seventies. When you order your food, they add up your order with a pen and paper. They haven't worked out calculators yet. They don't have calculators. And I was like, Oh, that's an old way of doing it. He's like, it's the best way, mate.

And I was like, yeah, this is the only calculator I knew. So it's very old school. And then when you order one thing, he's like, biggest sale of the day. Apparently Greg Norman tried to buy it. The golf course and the golf club. He found out that it was on a big fucking toilet. I don't know. I don't know who owns it, but they're like, we're not selling to anybody. It's the most amazing view of a Bondi.

I have a Bondi. Listen to us. Listen to me and my rangers and you and your beach views. It's lovely. Anyone who hasn't been to the dig is great schnitty. I will say that. And it was- Fuck, I could do a chicken palm right now.

You motherfucker. Sorry, I apologise. I planted that seed too early. I am salivating. But lots of kids, everyone's running around. Everyone's having a good time. There's a big grass area. There's a big grass area. Lovely. Lovely for kids. And there was plenty of them all running around having fun. And I saw Lola. Sometimes you get a bit nervous and you think, oh, I hope my child will play with the

other kids. And she- Play with the other children. She was chasing them all. And I was like, Oh, that's kind of cute. And then I knew they were yelling and having fun and laughing. And then I realized she was yelling something. She had a toy as well that she was carrying. And I was like, Ooh, what, what, what? I don't know if I should say she had this. Oh, I know those. Yeah. I first of all, I thought that was a dildo and you got that out of had this. Oh, I know those. Yeah.

I first of all, I thought that was a dildo when you got that out of your pocket. Well, so did Lola. She had it in her pants, tucked in, and she was going, it's my doodle. I'm going to get you. And she was chasing the kids around, pretending that this was her doodle. I was like, oh. How did the other kids receive that? I couldn't tell if they were petrified or if they were intoodle. I was like, oh god. How did the other kids receive that? I couldn't tell if they were petrified or if they were into it.

They were like, ah, don't come near me with that penis. Chasing around the beer garden. So I was like, I better put an end to that game. Put an end to that game. And we didn't stay too long, Ash, because we had to come home, put the kids in bed and also... Get your own penis out. Lol, just giving you a bunch of ideas.

Chasing Laura around with that. That's my job. So Laura and I, we kind of knew that Friday. Friday's the day. We have to pre-plan our sex. And to anyone else out there who has unpremeditated sex, fuck you.

Do you book yours in? Nah. What's that like? You just don't have sex. Must be nice. Spontaneous. I think that if I pre-plan it I'd get too nervous. That is the problem as well because then you've got the pressure of like you got to perform like tonight's the night. Yeah it's like game night. You've been training all week. I didn't want to eat too much you know what you don't want to have a full belly. You don't have a curry going to it. Well then, so Laura had at dinner at the diggers, she had prawn pasta.

Right? Turns out. And you were like, well, this is not happening tonight. It was the garlicky-est, if that's a word. It is now. Prawn pasta you've ever smelled in your entire life. Yeah, because garlic prawns are great. It was oozing out of her.

You're making me hungry. Can you stop? We get home, kids are in bed, Laura's like, so, what do you say, big boy? Get up and hit it. I was like, you fucking stink. I was like, how much garlic did you have? It was unbelievable.

He'll the local vampires go, no, I couldn't kiss her. Oh, I couldn't get, it was so Also who kisses? It was just pure garlic punch. If it was like your first date and that someone had that garlic. That's what Laura said. She was like, if it was our first date, you'd still kiss me.

And I'm like, yeah, but that's like, yeah, you push through any pain. I haven't been given the keys to the castle yet. So we didn't have sex because... Because of just a breath. Too much garlic. I couldn't do it. Couldn't do it. It's too much. Really? Not for me. What about the other end? Garlicy. All garlicy. It does come out your pores. For the record, it wasn't garlic down there. Can't get in the mood if I'm not kissing. So complete stop to all the extracurricular activities due to you couldn't get par the repugnant smell of garlic. We hopped into bed.

We tried. It didn't work. What do you mean you tried? Well, like I just said to Laura, I'm like, it's so strong. She was kissing you and you're like, I've already had dinner, thanks. And I was like, I can't, I can't do this. Not for me. What about brushing the teeth or just? Yeah, brushed her teeth. She had mints. She tried everything.

I've never heard of a man not being able to have sex. What are you trying to say? Because of the garlicky smell. So just off to bed. Off to bed, bro. And I, because it would have sep out of her pores all night while she was asleep. She was a stranger walked into that room. They were like, fuck it. It lasted until she was trying everything.

And I don't know if it was just time had healed her wounds, but she had a green juice seemed to do the trick. Yeah. Right. So anyone out there who's battling with garlic had a green juice. Seemed to do the trick. Yeah, right. So anyone out there who's battling with garlic breath, green juice, green juice. Surely just over time. I guess we'll never know. I look, I feel sorry for you.

And hopefully this week you can make, well, she can make up for it and not have a garlic. Oh, we, we Saturday night. Saturday night. Need I say anymore? Did you have time in the calendar? It's slot that in? But also the problem on Saturday nights is that Ellie, who lives with us, my mother,

if anyone not familiar, she loves, loves to watch a little show on TV. Yeah, they said she loves to watch. She would. What the fuck? She would, to be honest. She loves it. She loves me. Loves Laura.

What's not to love? Yeah, she'd be like, okay, guys, it's Friday night. Just go to the popcorn. After dinner, she was like, so she's like, I've got a movie that I think we'd really like. And Laura and I were like, oh, gosh, look at the time. Oh, it's 8.30. We better hop into bed. And Nana was like, what do you mean? Sorry, Nana. Sorry.

And she hears animal noises coming from upstairs. So what sort of movie are they watching? Well, this happened to me yesterday, me, April and the kids yesterday. I don't know ethically or if this is unethical or it's ethical or it's wrong, or it's a crime. We went to a grocery shopping yesterday. Sunday is a big shop day. And we killed a man.

Ran a man over with my trolley. And is that legal? So we went to Kmart. We went through the toy section, a couple of toys in, I went through past the clothes section, I didn't see anything go in the trolley. Busy all day for the Wix. I know, so I paid for the kids' toys and stuff up the back and then we just like walked out of the shop,

got into the car and I'm loading the car in and I'm like, what are these clothes? We've walked out with like $45 worth of clothes. Shit. And it was like. You guys these clothes? We've walked out with like $45 worth of clothes. Shit. And it was like, you guys are thieves on the run. All of a sudden we're a modern day Bonnie and Clyde. What was the prize? It wasn't for me, it was April.

Just got a whole new wardrobe for nothing. Want you to get lingerie? I wish. But like, what would you do? Would you go back? Got to go back? Oh, well, hang on a second. See?

OK, yeah. Look, my knee-jerk reaction is I got to go back. But to go back, bro. Oh, well, hang on a second. See? No. Okay. Yep. Look, my knee, my knee jerk reaction is it got to go back. But also- That was mine. That was mine. Also, you've gotten away with it. That's what I was like. I was like, what can we do next? Test drive a car?

I know. We just went on like a complete crime spree. Because we still have the coat hangers and stuff. You take the coat hangers. I don't. Well, hang on a second. No, you don't. What? You meant to have the coat hangers and stuff. You take the coat hangers. I don't. Well, hang on a second. No, you don't. What?

You meant to leave the coat hangers behind? Yeah. There's like a big, there's like a big wheelie pin. Why is no one stopping me? They're like, here he is again, guys. He must be out of coat hangers. Between you and me, we're putting K-Mite out of business. We're down coat hangers again.

We're going to have to close the doors. I thought the coat hangers were free reign. That's the best part. My kid's wardrobe is full of Kmart coat hangers. Smart. That's where they've all gone. And in my house now apparently. Look, I think because you can't call them because Kmart never pick up the phone.

No, that's 15 year old kid does not give a fuck. What's that thing? Man, you've got kids. If you didn't have kids, sure. Go back. But I was like the whole afternoon, I was just like, gee, I feel like I'm on a bit of a crime spree here.

We're like cutting roundabouts. There's kids in the car. You know, like at the bottom of my street, it's quite a big obnoxious roundabout. Yeah. You don't even need to go around. I was like, what's this babe? Look at you.

Ashwicks moves to a big old house in the backyard. All of a sudden doesn't pay for clothing. Doesn't use roundabouts, drives right through them. Everyone's like, who are you? We shouldn't buy dinner tonight. I'm like, babe, we just saved $45 on clothes. We are buying dinner tonight. Anyway.

So what did you do? Get it. I'm on the run. Shame on you. It's an honest mistake. It's also the first time I've ever stolen anything. I reckon that you count for the fact that they get robbed quite a lot. Can I admit something to you?

Of course you can. Absolutely. We actually realised that we had stolen it the second we stepped out of the car. We still didn't turn around. April, run! She's going to kill me. Cause she said, don't you make sure you said we were home. Do the kids realize what their parents are doing right now?

No, no. But before we went to the shops, Oscar had some pocket money. Yeah. So he saved up. Not much. He has a lot of money. More than I thought. I think he's just been stealing it.

Like father like son. But before we went to the shops and it was, you know, Sunday, he's been a good boy. He was like, I want to count my pocket money. And it's mainly just coins. There's a couple of notes in there that Mimi and Poppa, you know, I've got in there. First of all, I was like, you've got savings, you got pocket money? Because I didn't know this thing existed. He's just like created his own mind and like put somewhere. And he's like, yeah, got it out, got it out, like, and started counting, like we're counting it. And I was trying to teach him the value of each coin. And like, you know what it's

like with you teaching the value of money, not, not, you know what it's like with this. You teaching the value of money? No, not the actual value, because it's written on it. If it's not the actual value, then what are you teaching him? You know what I mean? Like, okay, well, you know, 10 cents equals $1. So the value? Yeah. Stop making me sound like an idiot.

Okay. I'm working my way through this. You're doing it yourself. I know. And it was funny cause I was like, all right, so 10, 10 cents equals a dollar. Sure. And then I was like, okay, you count these and you tell me how many dollars you had, you still could work it out.

Yeah. But then we'll, you know, we're going through it and he's got a lot of money. He's got like 40 bucks. And I was like, 40 bucks. I was like, that's not bad. This is what you do with that. Yoink. No.

And I was like, look, your mom's really good at saving. I'm not. I'm really good at spending. So let's do what mommy would do. And steal, steal everything. We're not quite there yet. I'm not, I'm really good at spending. So let's do what mommy would do and steal. We're not quite there yet. After this is when we learned how to steal, but we will. I said, okay, well you leave $30 in savings and take $10 with us and you can

buy something worth $10, but it has to be educational. So it has to be Lego puzzle puzzle, book. Good from you. Or even, thank you. And he was like, but what if it's more than 10? And I was like, well, no, well, this is how much like you're trying to save your money. And he couldn't quite work out that, but I've got $30. What if it's a bigger number?

And then he kept saying, what if it's not educational that it's $10? It's like, it's beside the point. Trying to explain. How long were you guys in there for? It's like ages. So can you please leave? We're trying to close the store. I was like, no. $10. $10 Oscar. So I was trying, I spent the afternoon trying to teach him the value of money. Just only to finish the day with stealing. The irony.

I know. So he's working it out. Before we go into lies, I just want to tell you really quickly about a new pet that we have now in the house. I don't think you can refer to your mum as a pet. Very good. I love you, Ellie. Me too.

We have a new pet and we got it this morning. So I woke up to Lola. She has like a little plant. I'm not sure where she got it from. That's a good start. She came into the room. She probably stole it. Her and April on a grand spree. She came into the bed and she was like,

daddy, I've got a pet. And I was like, what is it? And it was a little bug. One of those bugs are it was a little bug. One of those bugs are shaped in the, little bug in the shape of a leaf, like a leaf bug. Not sure the technical- And it folds up like that?

Yeah, you know it. You've been there. Very, yeah, very, very good impersonation. Thank you. And she was in love with this little insect. She was like on her hand. She was being very delicate. And she was like, my little bucky.

My little bucky. Squash. And I was like, you know, you gotta be careful. And I was like, can daddy hold your bug? Because I was like, I'm gonna set this guy free. And he's like, oh my god, what the fuck is going on? I'm not used to this many people. And she was taking it into a room.

She put it down as she was getting dressed. She then took it downstairs and she had a little, she has a little like pop plant, plant inside. And she's like, that's its home. Where is it? Long story short, the insect's dead. How did it die? That's what I want someone getting to.

I want a full investigation. Poor old Lola. Love this little bug. Oh my days. This whole puppy dog syndrome. She just was obsessed. Don't know like what it was. It was just, she was latched onto this bug.

And so she was bringing it downstairs. She had breakfast next to the bug, which was now in the pop plant. And she was like, my little buggy. It's our family. And then Marley was there being like, I think it's not going to last forever. You know. The week don't last all around here. Those insects only last a day or two and then it'll be gone.

And I was like, no, it's going to be, it's part of the family. And Marley was like, I don't think so. Anyway, Lola loved this little bug so much. She tried to pick it up. Oh no. Tried to pick it up. Wanted to put it on her hand. They're not, they're not as strong as they used to be, these bugs.

They've changed. The bugs are getting weak. They're weak. Back in my day. Hard enough of it. And she was like, is it dead? And I was like, I don't think so. Revive it, daddy.

Thing is like, it's pancake. Oh, yeah. It's a pancake. So you did have a pet. We did have a pet. Look out, Buster, you're next. And I'm just, I'm praying. It's hard to know.

Sometimes kids forget about things very quickly. Do you know when she'll remember it? When she goes to bed? In the middle of the night in six weeks time. Where's Buggy? Where's that Buggy? I haven't seen it in six weeks. Idiots.

Aren't they? Idiots. Anyway. Idiots. Speaking of idiots, let's go on to lies. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Tell me, tell me lies. Tell me lies. Tell me lies. Tell let's go on to lies. Now, some people who don't have kids may question why us parents are lying to our children. It's just easier. It's because we hate them. No, I didn't want to say

that. But because there's parts of parenting, I'd say 90% of parenting is hard. And these little white lies make it just a tiny bit easier. You get through it so much easier. Yeah. It's not wrong with that. Yeah. Like stealing a couple of clothes from a local store. There's nothing wrong with that.

Actually, just a real quick one that I've been using a lot lately. It's the one thing that gets me out of being with my kids. That sounded horrible. Yep. Sometimes we'll be playing a game of like, you know, tea parties. And I'm like, I got five, 10 minutes in me. Then I'm like, this game sucks. Yeah, that's a long time. And I'm like, I've got to go.

And they're like, where are you going? I go, I just got to go do a wee. And they're like, oh, that's okay. It's like the only thing that my kids understand that if I don't go, like he has to go. He has to do it. It's a matter of life and death. I don't want to have an accident. And so they're like, okay. And then like half an hour later, they'll see me watching TV and they're like, Hey, wait. He tricked us again. God damn it.

I should go this one. Submitted by Amy. This was on the Instagram. They said the louder they are in the car, the slower the car will drive. Very good. Very good. Oscar's like in this real phase of now he's like, how long will this take? And we've got to actually put the where we're going in the GBS and give him the phone so he can follow it. Because he just doesn't believe us how long it's going to take. Not that he knows how long a minute is. But yeah, that's a

good one. I got one here from Chloe. Don't be confused. It's not Chloe. Well, actually producer Jess just said that apparently only five people last year. This year. I wonder why only five people were called Chloe. Sorry. No, you can't attack the people that have submitted.

Chloe's listening right now going, fuck these guys. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was mean. But I stand by it. How did I get my son out of the bath? Tell him there's a spider in there. Quick! Oh my gosh. I stand by my previous comment about the name Klo.

Based off that, because you've petrified this child. Pretend like you've never scared Oscar. I know. I'm like, you'll go down the drain. Okay. This one, we won't say her name. It's an anti-Santa. It's Christmas time.

Best time of the year to start lying to your kids. The most wonderful time of the year. If you're naughty, we'll call the anti-Santa and he'll come and take your toys away. So his name is the anti-Santa. Yeah. I guess it's like the Grinch. Yeah, that's true. Kids love the Grinch. And you're like, Santa's great. It's like, it's like modern day religion. It's like God, devil, anti-Santa. Brilliant. This is another Christmas related one and we want them. We want these.

We want these so bad. So Naomi, she said, I put my friend's number in my phone as Santa. That's good. And he calls, and she calls them every time they misbehave. Works a treat. I have done that before. Yeah, right. I've done that before.

Well, I call Laura and so I put her on speaker. Yeah, right. I've done that before. Well, I call Laura and so I put on speaker. It's ringing. It's ringing. That's if they're going like a birthday party and I say, if you misbehave, you're not going to the party. I'm going to call Charlotte right now and tell her you're not coming. Very good. And I'm actually Laura's phone's on silent and the kids are like, oh please, we'll do

it. We'll do anything. Idiots. Very good. Should we do some questions to finish off? Yeah, please. Hey, you know what really kicked off Ash before we asked these questions to each other?

The one about leaving the cars in the, leaving the kids in the, sorry. Leaving the cars and the kids. Leaving. Had they get in there in the first place. People really. I was really happy with that one. Okay. Was it a joke just said?

Yeah. You like having like a little happy dance. Oh yeah. Sorry. A lot of people. Very opinionated. I know when it comes to look, there's no malice intent behind leaving the kid in the car. It's more convenience. I'm not like, I'm going to the pub kids. But also one lady said, she did say, she's like,

you would never leave the kids in the car while she get a coffee. And I'm like, well, look, if I could park right in front where the barista is, so I can grab my coffee and I'm still be able, I'm still able to look at my kids. If I can do that and the coffee's pre-made and I'm literally going in, tapping and getting my coffee. Yeah, that's fine. In that case, I would. I think like two very different things, coffee and petrol.

Like obviously I'm not going to go into a store. I'm not going to order a coffee. I'm not going to wait five minutes. Coffee is not an essential. Like petrol is a necessity. But also like you're in there for a blink of an eye. Sorry. I hate to get it worked up.

But then also someone did say, that's why they've got glass windows so you can see out, see your car the whole time. But then also someone said that the clerk, the petrol, the petrol people. Fucking hell, Ash. The petrol people. You're better than that. I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight now because of that. The petrol people will get me. I thought I would have had a better name for them. The petrol folk. They prefer you to leave your kid in the car because it's less dangerous.

They say that. That's what they would say. They just don't want screaming kids in the... That's what child predators would say. Apparently though, apparently though, the app is great. The app is great. You can pay through the app. Pay through the app.

Petrol people have an app. The petrol people have an app. The petrol people's app. Is that what it's called? I think so. Yeah. Is it, what is it? Hang on.

I'm confused. It's each, cause obviously there's different outlets. Yeah. So for example, BP and the ampoule have their own app that you can then, you can then fill up and then pay through the app. I don't trust it. Yeah. I don't want to give them my details, but for example, one lady wrote in,

said she has three under three. There's no way that she's going to time it where. Three under three. Hang on. How the f**k? Maybe twins. Jeez, she loves sex. Maybe she had triplets.

Fucking creep. I know, sorry. That's quick turnaround. I'd like to hear more about the three under three. Bet you would. She just said that there's no way that she's going to take her three kids out of the car. How do you carry three kids? That's going to take you half an hour round trip to pay.

Nah, I don't think so. Time for questions, Ash. I have one for you here. This was submitted anonymously in the Facebook group. Oh, I love the anonymous ones because you know it's someone's either fucked up and don't want to admit it. It's a bit juicy. I want to see how fucked up they do. It's also, it's a bit sad.

I'm going to be honest. Yeah. Partly sad, but she's kind of sprinkled in a bit sad. I'm going to be honest. Yeah. Partly sad, but she's kind of sprinkled in a bit of humor in here. So she asks, well, they ask, we don't know if it's a hero or a sh- Oh my God, I'm going to incriminate them? I know. When did you stop hating your partner? It's a joke.

When did I ever like them? But also not really. She goes, I got- Or they go, sorry. We don't know who, don't know the sex of this person. This is getting confusing. I've got two kids, nearly one and three. And so we're well and truly in the trenches.

But I was just wondering when everyone feels they saw the light at the end of the tunnel with their relationship or equally when they knew it was over. I know there's a million different factors and every relationship is different. And I also know we're in a real roommate phase at the moment, but give me some hope, please. The dreaded roommate phase. Look, I think ever like once again, I am not an expert and the, there's a part of that question there that was, or Wendy, you know, it was over.

I can't really speak to that either because we're still together. Same with you and Laura. I guess all I can say is parenting a newborn is different. It's the hardest part of parenting. It's different type though. Of course it's different type because you got a blob. You got a blob that does nothing. It's just trying to, the baby, not the partner.

Both. You're just trying to like solve the problem. I think she's got to go to a therapist, dude. Go to it. If you're, if you're at a point where you're like, I fucking really, I'm starting to resent my partner, go to, go to a therapist and like fucking nip that in the bud. I'm not, I'm, yeah, I think you've jumped maybe one, too many steps ahead.

Absolutely not. Well, have you had the conversation with, with your partner and be like, look, there's certain things at the moment that we're not seeing eye to eye on. Yeah, but if you're going to have that conversation, why not have it with an expert? I suppose. Like, you know, if you're going to have a conversation, have it with someone who's like Switzerland, someone who can help mediate that conversation. That's true.

Because I know that April and I have had troubles before. And it's like, hey, let's go see a therapist. And it's like, OK, what can we do in between seeing the therapist? How are you feeling? Yeah. Like I said, I can't talk on how do you know when it's over? Cause it's not. But when it's like, is there light? I think there's light if you want to create it. Is that right? Gandhi over here. Bam. Like, right? Am I wrong? I think the light for me is as they get older, it gets easier. I find, yeah, there's pressures of, you know, you got big emotions now and you kind of, you're shaping a little human as a, like a mini adult almost. Yeah. When they get older,

fuck it gets, that's, that's the biggest deterrent of not wanting to have a third because I don't want to get back to new born phase because it's so hard. I did like when they couldn't move. That was a good time. Matt, I have another anonymous one. I don't know if you can handle two anonymous ones in one segment, but they actually messaged me

and we spoke about this before we recorded because one of us is circumcised and the other is not. Let's play a little game. We say, guess who? Who's it going to be? I am not. Shocker.

What? But the question is, and it's actually, I'm interested as well because I did have a thought on people that are and aren't circumcised in friend groups being, it's like you're on that team and you're on the other team. It's very segregation I would say with friend groups. Do you ever wish you weren't circumcised? And P1 of you? See? That's what it brings out into friend groups big time. The reason they asked this question and I know it sounds like a bit of a random question is that they are circumcised their child but now she's thinking that she's done the wrong thing. Wrong thing's a bit, I don't think it's the wrong thing because then you'll just

pepper yourself with you've done the wrong thing. You've done the right thing because we all know that circumcised people are superior. Oh, no, that's hooded freaks over here. We are better. We're cleaner. We're faster. Faster? You're like digging yourself a hole. Sometimes I wonder, I do wonder what would my life have been like if I wasn't circumcised? Where would I have ended up? That sick skin. Maybe in a circus somewhere. Maybe I'd be homeless. Maybe that was a real fork in the road moment where.

At least your penis would have shelter. Yeah. If anyone not aware, I had a big foreskin, which was recommended by medical experts that I get circumcised, which happened at the age of six. Okay. Define medical expert. Hard for me to talk about, especially when Ash sits there making fun of a medical condition that I suffered as a young child. How dare you?

Don't turn yourself into a big guy. How dare you? Well, your mom's the one who had it chopped off. So if you had, okay, if you had a boy, would you circumcise your kid? I think so, yeah. Yeah, I would. I'm going to ask you a quick question here, and I'd like you to be honest. Okay. Okay. This is a bit of a gross question, but I want to-

Just cover your ears. I want to get this straight from the horse's mouth. Well, let's from the horse's mouth. Well, let's bring the horse in. Okay. Sorry, that was a terrible tat-jack. How often do you pull back your foreskin and wash your penis? You meant to do that?

Every damn day. Do you? Yeah. Do you? Okay. Why not? See, to me, it just seems like you're living a life where you're- I like to prep the meal properly. Eww. Yuck! All right. That's enough of that. No, see, I think-

That was gross. It's just- Jess, I'm sorry for that one. And what are the listeners? Nah, stuff them. See, I think it's just more work, right? Like it's just- It's the- Oh my God. It's like the minimal amount of work.

As someone who's incredibly lazy, it's a lot to hear you say that. I'm not incredibly lazy. I think it's distraction is the word you're looking for. Distracted. So you just, you have something else to worry about. You're not going to get an infection. You know, what about if it's sexy time and you're like, oh shit, I need to have a shower because it's not clean. I've never had that worry. Never had to do that. No.

Okay. I'm sure there are people out there. There's lazier people than me. I've never had to worry about the cleanliness of my penis. Well, you thank your mum for that. Sometimes if I'm going for a run, like sometimes, you know, I'm like, oh. What? Because it's the exposed anyway. Anyway. I'm learning a lot. Sometimes when I'm going for a run is a bit, oh, you know what I'm saying? Sweat, shorts. Well, think about, think about, okay, imagine if you were to go for a run and you had to pull back your foreskin and then-

To go for the run? I don't think we did. I'm just about ready for my run. Let me just fold my foreskin back first. Well, imagine that's what that would feel like. I need all the- You'd go for more runs. I need all the aerodynamics I can get.

Yeah, I've taped back. As a 37 year old man who was circumcised at the age of six, I don't have any regrets about that procedure when I was a child. I lived a happy and full life. For now. For now. So I think don't stress. Well, someone who has not been snipped.

I also live a happy and full life. Happy. I live a full life. Happier? Happier. We'll leave it at that. If you've enjoyed this episode or any episode of Two Doting Dads we would absolutely love it. Me, Ash and his foreskin if you would leave us a review subscribe and send it to anyone who may get a giggle. And if you have any parenting lives or parenting questions, Ash, where can you send them? You can either send them to the Instagram DMs or you can email us at hello at two doting dads dot com or our Facebook group. I actually had a dream about the Facebook group last night. Okay, go on. And it was actually not, it was actually you and I discussing the fact. Anyway, that's not for this chat.

But anyway, Two Doting Dads on Facebook. Come and join us. We'll see you next week. Bye. Every now and then, just on occasion, you don't like to finish off a word. What? What are you talking about? What? What? What are you talking about? What? What? What? What am I getting wrong here?

No, no. Every now and then you do a half word. Is it disability, Matthew? I have no idea that I did this. Next time I do it. Did I just do it again? How? Now I'm going to be self-conscious this whole episode. Next time I do it. Did I just do it again? How? Now I'm going to be self-conscious this whole episode. What did I do? So you'll say a sentence and then the reason why

you got something else. Did you just do it? Yeah. That's, I was giving you an example. Yeah. Oh, I'll try. We still love you regardless. I'll try my absolute hardest. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, My absolute hardest.