Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #98 Upstaging Kids Parties And A Sushi Poo Saga

Episode Date: October 8, 2024

Matt's kids were psyched out of their brains to attend a kid's dance party. Of course, things didn't go as planned, and it turned into a complete and utter disaster. One disaster turned into another after a neighbouring party upstaged a friend's kids' birthday party.  Ash took the kids out for sushi for the afternoon, except it took a wild turn when Oscar had to poo midway through. Did he make it to the toilet in time?  P.S. Did you catch the Easter Egg at the end of the pod?  Have you got a Parenting Hack Or F*ck That Plus, we tackle your questions! Do you remember the first thing you stole? At what age should kids be allowed to wear makeup, even if just for fun?  Make sure you share your best Parenting Lies with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I was humiliated. It was an embarrassment that I've not experienced. Go on. Took the bins out, took the bins out. The bin that's the most confusing is the green bin. The vegetation, that is. And I had it full to the brim and I looked around, no green bins on the street.

And I swear I checked the calendar. And I was like, well, jokes on you guys. And as I was taking it in, my neighbor looked at me as I was retreating back home with a full green bin. Oh no. Oh the embarrassment. So you got it wrong. Did I get it wrong or did the council get it wrong? Maybe. Luckily the people across the street from my house their bins are out like three days before because there's just the two old fuddy-duddies they barely fill them up. Three days before?

Yeah, usually my garbage goes in their bins because I've got so much. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I happen to be Matty J. And I'm Ash. And this also happens to be a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable. And if you come wanting any advice, I'm really sorry to tell you that it will not be given on this podcast. No.

Certainly not today. Not at all. Never. Not today at all. Not this episode. No. No. Certainly not today. Not at all. Never. Not today at all. Not this episode. No. No. Not any episode. Don't you dare accuse me. And what do you got there? This is a beer, Ash. Huzzah! And don't pretend like you don't know what it is. I know what it is. You know exactly what it is. I'm salivating in the thought. You're just drooling. You're like a starving lion looking at the carcass of a hippopotamus. I shouldn't have gone hippopotamus. I should have gone gazelle.

I got greedy and I was like, go on. Go along with the extra synonym for syllables. How you and me have a podcast with a lack of ability to talk. It's a real mystery. I know. What I was trying to say is you are salivating. I am no idea. With our lack of ability to talk, it's a real mystery. I know. What I was trying to say is you are salivating. I am salivating. I'm also reminiscing of a simpler time called The Weeknd. Yes. In which we were able to enjoy a couple of these, something a little bit different to what we're usually drinking from Stonemood, which is the hazy pale ale. It is the hazy pale

ale. To step up from the Pacific ale. Let's crack it one second. Yeah. Okay. Quick little cheers. Cheers, my friend. Yeah, we were down the beach. It was a little bit windy, but it was still lovely to have the sand in between my toes.

You and me were looking out to the horizon as the sun was setting, enjoying a beer as Laura chased after- Four kids. Four children on her own. April decided not to come down because she was like, it's far too windy. She can't do windy. To go to the beach. So Laura-

She was on beer patrol. She was cracking the beers and handing them down. Hey, here's a question for you. What is a hazy pale ale? Isn't it just a pale ale, but hazy? You have technically answered the question. Hazy pale ale, Ash. It has some juicy or citrus notes to it.

Oh, I can taste them actually. Now this one in particular, man, from Stone and Wood, was temporary in the range. And now it is called Range because it is so popular. It is delicious. It is delicious. Cheers my friend. Cheers to you and this is available in all good bottle shops and pubs on tap or you can get it online. And of course we'd like to thank Stonewood for providing the beers for the episode. Let's get into it man. Recently I invited you along to an event which you didn't come to. Do you remember?

It's a band called Diver City. Now for anyone who is not familiar, Diver City, it is Maddo Kine, KLP Music. They come together, they do kids music. It's very, very, very good. It's very, very good. Maddo Kine invited me. This is way back in the day, very, very good. Okay. It's very, very good. Matt O'Kine invited me. This is way back in the day, to give some context.

Matt O'Kine invited me to one of their gigs. This is when Marley was a lot younger. I didn't know their music and I thought, I'll be polite and say, sure, I'll come along to your gig. We went and Marley was obsessed. Right. For two years now, she has loved them. Have you know, you know their songs? No, I'm not overly familiar.

Like... Let me give you a little taste. I am sorry that I couldn't make it. I understand. And to be honest, you did the right thing. OK, go on. So Diver City have a new song. After a 12 month hiatus, they have been back in the recording studio and they have a brand new banger.

Highly anticipated. Marley was off her rocker when she found out that they have a new song. Like all good songs now, they require a dance video. Yeah. And they said, it's like a boiler room set setup where we'd like to invite kids down to where we're holding the- To get on heavy narcotics. We're going to give them a lot of cocaine and film it.

And that's the film clip. You didn't come with Macy. Totally understandable. If she's not a fan, we didn't want her there in the first place. It was actually my fault that we couldn't make it. Go on. I had thrown my back out the night before doing some extracurricular activities. Shag is back. Is that what it was?

The whole time I'm like, what's causing it? And you're like, I don't know. It's a mystery. We'll never know. Shag is back. Meanwhile, April was just sitting there with a guilty look on her face. Yeah, right. No, it was legit.

And I couldn't drive that far. Poor Macy, she missed out, but she didn't really know. It was a long way. And so we, we knew there were going to be a few kids there. Didn't know how many, but all week, Marley and Lola was so excited about the fact that they get to see Diver City. Marley kind of understands now that, you know, music videos are a thing.

She's like, I'm going to be in a music video. And I was like, fuck yeah, you are. That's wild. Isn't that cool? And even in the lead up to one afternoon after I picked the girls up from daycare, we called KLP music, Christie for those playing at home. And Marley was like, holy shit.

She's like, was that the Christie? And I was like, yeah. Sure was. That's the sort of pool your old man has around here. I was thrilled that I was able to enable something that would make my kids so happy. Oh, that's great. So you took them both on your own.

On my own. Okay. Yes. Wow. Okay. Went out to the factory theater, great live music venue where the film clip was being filmed. One little issue, Ash.

One little issue. Sydney traffic is very bad. No. Yeah. Yeah. Shock horror. For those of you who don't live in Sydney, it's a fucking nightmare. And it was at like 3.30 or something. 3.30.

Oh. I checked it in maps. How long it would take. I checked it about 12 o'clock. I said half an hour. Sounds or something. 3.30. I checked it in Maps, how long it would take. I checked it about 12 o'clock. I said half an hour. Sounds like great. Half an hour. That's all I need. Picked up the kids early from daycare,

on the road at three o'clock, school traffic. Half an hour, all of a sudden looks like 40 minutes. All of a sudden, Ash, 45 minutes. So we're late to the film clip. The issue that this causes is that any transition to a new environment with kids is a bit scary and you don't ever want to be like the last person. No. As we arrive in, like we park the car, we race in. It's kind of like when you go meet up with your mates at the pub and they've

been there for hours and you got to play catch up. Yes. But they're like, I've got to get from my somber mood in the cast, maybe a sleep on the way. Okay. Look, I'm glad you said it. Okay. Both kids doze off because the traffic's so bad. So I'm staring down the barrel of a nightmare scenario. I'm late. Got to wake the kids up. They've only been asleep for like 20

minutes and I'm going to throw them into like a boiler room set up. To play catch up. To play catch up. And so we walk in there and they've already started filming. And the song is like a techno song. It's like high energy.

Also, the kids are a little bit older. There's not many five year olds. It's like, there are a couple of five year olds, but there's a lot of like seven, eight, nine. There's even a 10 year old kid there. So what are you doing? Just trying to make friends. I'm like, all right, kids, go in and dance. And they were like, fuck that. They were like clinging onto me for like their life

depended on it. Especially it's not like your usual environment. Like. No, no. We were like, all of a sudden they wake up. Next thing they're in the factory theater, ladies are blaring, smoke machine. Dance monkey.

And they were like, there is no way they're gonna do like dance on stage. And I was like, but this is what you wanted. Do you know what it's giving? Have you seen that friends episode way they're going to do like dance on stage. And I was like, but this is what you wanted. Do you know what it's giving? Have you seen that Friends episode where they're it's like a New Year's Eve dance party that's on TV? Yeah. Here comes another camera.

Right, no biggie, stay loose. They're like trying so hard to get on camera. Yeah. Yeah, same. The thing is, they were like, as the film clips being filmed on stage, Marley and Lola are still like, I walked in to the room being like, they will follow me in. If I come in, they'll like follow me. They were standing in the doorway.

They're like, nope. Nope. I am not coming in there. I gave it an hour. An hour? Yeah. Cause I thought I'll let them warm into it. I climatized.

They just get worse and worse. To the environment. They fucking did not want to borrow it. How many times did you have to hear the song? Well, that was fine. The song was great. Is it Monday? No.

Is it Tuesday? No. Is it Wednesday? No. I don't think so. Sounds a bit repetitive to me. Like all good children's music, very repetitive. And then Marley was like, I think I want to go home.

And I was like, fair enough, we'll go home. And then in the car, then she started crying because she's like, I missed the film clip. Will I be in the film clip? And I was like, well, not, not really. You've actually got to get involved, kid. And so then in tears, the fact that they have ruined the opportunity. Yeah. It's funny they do that, isn't it?

Oscar's done the same thing where it's like, he's just been too scared to do something. And that's fine. You're allowed to be scared. I think if I can talk you into just getting involved a little bit, but then like he'll be in the car on the way home and he'll be real sulky. Didn't help that I was like, that's your one chance to be in Showbiz, kid.

And you ruined it. Stage dad. You've been nothing. You're an embarrassment to the family. Yeah. So yeah, you didn't miss out on anything, dude. And look, the solo, going, taking them solo is you spend every Thursday with both kids. I usually only spend Monday and Thursdays with Macy only because Oscar goes full time,

except for school holidays. It's an interesting time isn't it school holidays? It is and I do feel for all the parents out there. For me... Can we give a moment to the parents out there? A moment of silence? There you go. That's enough. I only have to deal with it for three days of the week because the other two days he does go to a different daycare. Because you're at the community daycare. Yeah they do same school holidays as school. That's a nightmare. Well you need to find a better daycare bro Yeah, they do same school holidays as school. That's a nightmare. Well, you need to find a better daycare, bro. No, it's actually not bad to ease into it, right? Because next year I'll have him two weeks straight at home. What are you going to do then? What are we going

to do then? I'm leaving the country, bro. I'm just out of here. They can defend for themselves. This morning when I dropped the kids off, I forgot that at school holidays. Obviously for me, my kids aren't at school yet, but it's when I see the other parents dropping off the younger kids with the bigger kids who are normally at school in tow. And I'm like, ah, that's right. And I'm like, Hey, how are you? And they're like, ah, get away from me. How do you think I am?

I'm going to entertain this kid for two weeks straight. Every 10 weeks as well. It's like a countdown to it. But yeah. So like on Mondays now during school holidays, because I should obviously share it with April, I have both kids and that was yesterday. You're a great dad by the way. Oh thank you. One of the best. Thank you. I really appreciate that. First thing was Oscar does swimming on Monday mornings. That was out of the way. The best thing

about him doing swimming is I don't need to get in the water like I do with Maisie. Beautiful. Love that. Except for the swimming center. It's so, so hot in there. Don't know why it's like a sauna. So all of a sudden I walk outside where it's like 15 degrees. Do you run hot or cold? What are you? I run hot. Do you?

But I'm outside and it's cold and I'm like, oh, I've got a jumper and pants on. And then by the time I was just finished swimming, I'm sweating like a pig in that place. I'm like having a, I'm having my own shower. And everyone's like, why is that man sitting there like hyperventilating with beads of sweat coming down his brow? With no kids. You have children here, right?

Yes. I promise. I decided to take them down to the local basketball courts to ride their scooters around. Again. Great dad. Thank you. The bar is very low. Thank you. The bar is very low, but I don't really care because I didn't set the bar. I'm just hitting it. Oh, it was three o'clock in the afternoon and I'm like, it is too late for lunch,

but I haven't eaten lunch and I'm actually getting hungry. And I was like, Hey, should we go get some sushi? Just maybe a little sushi snack. Anyway, we went down to the local sushi restaurant. The one we wanted to go to was close. Not good enough. Very awkward time. Also, can I just not to question your parenting after giving you so much praise, very close

to dinnertime. Yeah, I thought I could roll it into one. You guys are a 530 dinner kind of family. Yeah, yeah. I thought I could roll it into one if I feed them enough sushi, then they can maybe have some fruit or something before they go to bed, which was the case. And that worked. Tactically good.

Tactically worked. So we walked around to another one. Okay. And we walked in, there's no one in there. And I said to the guy, you open. He said, yeah, yeah, you want to sit in, take away, blah, blah, blah. Surely there's like an open sign on the door. I didn't see it.

Okay. The door was open, but it was dead. Interesting. Don't question me. What did you order? Uh, some baby rolls, some hand rolls, a bit of a combination of everything. It was pretty good. Your kid's salmon or tuna?

Neither. Chicken. Chicken and abo is like the go-to. Oscar loves avocado sushi with a bit of soy sauce. Daddy does. Try not to make this creepy. And we're sitting there and Oscar goes, Daddy, I need to poo. And I'm like, okay.

Bit of an awkward time. We're mid eating. Have you eaten so much that it starts to push the poo out of your butt? Can you hold it? He's regular. Are you like busting to take a shit or is it like the first initial instinct of I need to shit? Where are we at?

Can you wait until we're just about to finish here and go home? We can poo at home. I'm trying to gauge where he's at. That's a big variance though. Like do you need to poo now or can we wait till tomorrow? Can you wait till your mum's here? Yeah. He waited till someone's here who wants to wipe your bum. Cause there's been times where he's been like, Oh, I need to poo and I'm busting.

And then I'll take him to the toilet. We'll get there and he'll be like, oh, actually I don't need to. And I'm like, you will shit. You will shit. I will squeeze it out of you, boy. I said to him, okay, where are we at on the scale?

And he goes, oh yeah, I could probably wait. I was like, okay, cool. Cause just keep in mind. I've got some hand rolls coming and I'm really peckish. I've also got Macy. I've ordered a beer. So it was just me and Oscar. I'd be like, okay, cool. Cause just keep in mind. I've got some hand rolls coming and I'm really peckish. I've also got Macy. I've ordered a beer. So it was just me and Oscar. I'd be like, okay, well this is easy.

I could wrap this up and go. I logistically, I've got to move our whole what's going on here. Were you worried that if Macy saw Oscar do a poo, then she would have to do a poo. And then you'd be there for like a couple of hours. No. My concern was this. How desperate are you? And are you gaslighting me? Then he continued eating. He was fine for about one second.

And then I look over and he's like, rinsing in the face. Yeah. And I'm like, are you okay? He's like, yeah, I'm just busting. I'm like for a poo. He's like, yeah. And he's like holding his butt. Oh no. Have you just shit yourself? Just like his father. It's been ages since I shit myself. It has. Due for one. Fast about non-to-osca. Big time. And I was like, oh fuck. Okay bud. Like you just said to me, you can hold it, but it was, I'm just trying to appease me. And I'm like, oh fuck. I said to the guy, do you have a toilet? Cause you know, with restaurants, especially like a strip of shops, usually what the case is they share an outhouse.

They give you the big spatula and the sign that says, I'm about to do a shit. And you gotta then walk out to the toilet. Look at me everybody. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. He goes, oh yeah, we've got a toilet. He handed me the key. He's the key. Was it a spatula?

Big spatula. And he said, okay, so yeah, it's easy. You just go out the door, you walk up to the end of the street, you go all the way around the back, and then in between the dry cleaner and the Indian restaurant, there's a small alleyway. You go down there, down the set of stairs, and then it's the door on the right. Jump on the 338 bus. Nowhere closer. I'm on my own. I've got two kids because taking Oscar means I can't leave Macy in this restaurant.

Just say, can you just watch Macy through it? She would have cried her eyes out. She doesn't know where she is. She would have cried her eyes out. So the next minute I'm like, okay, well, I'm stuck in this particular bit. Oscar's going to shit his pants. I have then... Hang on.

Did you not think I've got nappies here for Macy? I don't. You didn't bring nappies? They're in the car. Just get a nappy from the car and put it on Oscar and tell him to shit in the corner. No, he wouldn't do it. He wouldn't do it.

He would. Well, then he doesn't have to shit. All right. So I got the key. Picked up Macy. Picked up Oscar. At this point, we've dined and dashed. We've left the restaurant, left all the food there, because I've had to walk Oscar up to do a shit.

OK, so I'm walking up the street. We finally find this toilet. I unlock it. It's this horrible public toilet. Walk in the toilet. There's no toilet paper on one stall. And Oscar's like, there's a cockroach in the toilet. And as course as he's his mother's son, looking for any scarap of uncleanliness to delay anything whatsoever.

And then he's looking at the toilet and he's standing there and I've put Macy down and he's like looking at the toilet and I was like, get on it. He was like, oh shit, I'm trying. And then- That's not going to encourage anyone to shit if you talk to them like that. I just wanted him to-

I don't want to do your shit right now. No, but them like that. I just want to think about your shit right now. No, but he was like, he wasn't even on the toilet. He was scanning the area. You give the kid anxiety. You need him to relax. He was scanning the area and he goes, oh, I was trying to push. I was like, what? Still fully clothed.

And he gets up on there and he's nice and perched. I'm just waiting for him to say, oh, it was just like a fart or something. I'm waiting for it. Does happen. Do a wee little fart. Started doing a little wee and then he's given a little push and the thing hit the back of the bowl. The PSI was unbelievable.

It was like, on the back. Crack the porcelain. Literally. And then I'm like trying to wipe his ass in his public toilet. And then I've gone, oh shit, where's Macy? She's wandered over to the silver trough and she's got a hand in the silver trough. I'm trying to wipe an ass in a public toilet. Like a horrible way.

How did you forget about Macy? I was too busy trying to get, she was like right next to me. But she's just, you know, she's like, she's the silent assassin. She fucking goes at the pace of a caterpillar. Yeah, but it's not far to this little silver trough. And I look over and she's like... Bathing in it. Trying to figure out what it is.

And I'm like, get your hands off of that thing. And I wiped all these kids up eventually. And then made our way back to the restaurant. And the guy... He's cleared your plates. No, no, thankfully. I fucked all these kids up eventually and then made our way back to the restaurant and the guy... He's cleared your plates. No, no, thankfully. I left, do you know what I did do?

I left my hat, my phone, all this stuff. So he knew that I was coming back. You left your phone? I didn't, I felt so bad. I thought that he thought maybe that was a ploy for me to get free food and leave. And there was no one else in the restaurant. It was no one else. And I thought, I just want this guy to look over and go,

okay, he's definitely coming back for his phone. I guess because a hat on its own could be lucky if he got his hat. But hat and phone is like, don't worry, I'm coming back. Yeah, and then walk back in and he was kind of like, how'd you go? And I was like, I was like, don't talk to me.

Yeah, I was like, have you got any hand sanitizer? And he was like, oh yeah, he gives me this big bottle and I'm like covering the kids in hand sanitizer. Nice. He's drenched in urine eating a fucking toilet cake. Anyway, straight back into the sushi. Finish that off. Bon Appetit.

Well done. Such a good dad. I know. Such a donating dad. One of the best. I have a quick little story, Ash. I'm keen to get your opinion on this one. Recently, I was at a birthday party.

This one was held at a park outdoors. And these days... That's pretty standard. Yeah. You get all park and especially the ones that are closer towards the beach. Very common to have multiple kids party, especially down at Bronte, for example, which is a big park. There's like multiple like huts. Oh, I love a good hut.

Very good hut. Because you could decorate them. They're quite- Not that I would. You definitely wouldn't, but they are quite often decorated. And on a Saturday or Sunday morning, many of the huts are taken up by parents who are celebrating the birth of a child. And you have to get there early too.

Any parent with young children right now listening are like, my kid's birthday coming up and it's at 11 a.m. I'm getting there like fucking 7 a.m. Logistically, it's hard work. Or you nominate someone, it's usually dad. You go down and just sit there. I would fucking love that if April said, Hey, 11 o'clock party, but I want you to go down to the park at seven o'clock.

And fend off the other parents. On your own. Sit there in silence on your phone and not be bothered by a child until they get there. Yes ma'am. Reporting for Judy. So this particular weekend, there must have been like four or five birthday parties. Yep.

All quite close to each other, very close quarters. You're like, effectively, you got like, you know, neighbors of other birthday parties. There's kids are crossing into other parties. There is cross pollination of birthday parties. It's just going to happen. It's inevitable. You want to see what the others are eating. You want to have a little look at the spread, look at the entertainment.

And I feel like these days it's pretty standard to have some kind of entertainment. Sometimes people will have like a Spiderman. You remember I told you that there was the ninja. And I thought it was Al Qaeda. Yes. Yes. But I recall it was a ninja. Quite often bubble fairies that may be the length that people go to keep the kids entertained.

Keeping in mind birthday parties for young kids are going to be like two, at the most three hours. Face painting is a good one. Balloon animal, great one. If you can get a face painter, like a two-on-one face painter bubble fairy, job done. Very well done. And they're not cheap as well, I might add. This birthday party had quite an amazing spread.

Of food. No, no, no, no, no, no. Of entertainment. A spread of entertainment? I'm not sure. This is a strip club? They have these like miniature remote controlled like tractors and diggers that the kids hop on and they can like

pretend to do these like construction like scenarios. Who are these people? You're confused. We eat it out. Let me give you a reference photo so you can understand what type of setup we were next to. You were next to this is the party next to you. Correct.

Okay. All right. So it's not the party you're at. And I just want to say the party that we were at was a great spread. Good food, good entertainment, decorations, balloons. Just so you understand what we're working with. Oh my God. It's very impressive.

Roscoe would love that. Yes, yes. I didn't know this sort of shit existed. So that type of activity, you know, for kids, it's moths to a flame. Right. They're all so pumped. I'm visualizing it. I've seen it. In terms of birthday parties, that is absolute top tier.

But also you're looking at like almost a thousand dollars. Oh no. Apparently it's like 850, a thousand dollars. Very expensive. You couldn't find a building site that was closed for the weekend. Go on kids. Issue was, okay, in a public setting, that type of birthday party, all the kids

wanted to turn and the family who was organizing that birthday party were getting the shits because all the other kids kept kind of coming into their birthday party. What do you set yourself up there though? Like we're talking four and five-year-olds don't understand that they can't, unless you sit down and go, look, it's not your party. And they're going to be heartbroken. But like, you can't expect like no one to come near you. You're creating a bit of a spectacle for children of that age.

It's like being at the beach, tossing out some chips, and then being annoyed that the seagulls are coming in and eating those chips that weren't invited. Like those chips went for the seagulls are coming in and eating those chips that weren't invited. Like those chips went for the seagulls? Yes. I'm referring to our kids as seagulls because they are like mini vultures. Yeah. It's like, no, it's like going to, and there's like seagulls and pigeons, but the pigeons are eating them seagulls and the seagulls are meant to be the ones

eating it, like similar sort of situation. I mean, I feel like my example really did paint the picture. No need to add in the extra. I apologize. I take that back. But then the eagle comes. But then the king of the jungle, the tiger. So do you think in a public setting, well, I'm going to say it. I don't think you should be allowed to bring that type of setup.

You are bang on the money. That's a backyard party. That's an in-private party. That's like me and having a birthday party, getting a stripper in and all the other men in the park aren't allowed to look at her. And you're saying, stop looking over here. This is my party. Blindfold him. Like that. That's a good analogy.

Yeah. Thank you. Very good. But then you had in a couple of pigeons. Then the pigeons come. Look, you can't, I think if you are to do it in public, I'm not saying you're not allowed to. We're not saying you can't have public birthday parties in the park. That is allowed. Yeah, that's allowed.

But you can't get the shits when four and five year olds don't understand that that's for them. They just think I'm at the park. There's a bunch of these fucking electric diggers here. I love diggers. I thought you're talking about yourself for a second. Me too. He does. He does. But there's not, those kids are looking at a top five thing that they love most in the world because they're like, oh my God, holy shit. And then you're getting the shits with them because they're so infatuated by it. If you're going to bring crack to a party, you've got to expect that everyone's going to want to smoke it.

Absolutely. It's probably Moorish. Am I right? Yeah. But like, so she got the shits. She got annoyed, you know, because it was just constantly like, oh gosh, where's Timmy? And Timmy's wandered over and he's now trying to kick off the birthday boy. Timmy wants a fucking line of coke. A fucking tractor. He's like, oh, kick off the birthday boy. He wants a fucking line of coke. A fucking tractor. He's like,

That's the good stuff. That's the good stuff. Not sure if people are following our story. No. Very confusing. If you're just tuning in, we're not talking about actual crack. No, we're not. That's a bit off.

So the host of your party, what's their stance? They were also like, I think anybody is going to be a bit miffed when that is next to you. Like if you're like, if you're going to be spending thousands of dollars, don't do it in a place where it makes other parties look second tier. But also like, it's a bit like your wanker. Yeah. You know, it's like driving your sports car down to the like local car park and rev in it. You know, don't be that guy. Just get a ninja or a bubble fairy. Keep the bar at that, that high. We don't need it to be any higher. Get a fat Spiderman like the rest of us.

Okay, Ash, it is time for parenting hack or fuck that. This is when I spend hours, days even- Relentlessly. Scaring the internet and social media to try and find anything that will make parenting just a little bit easier. But sometimes Ash, sometimes I find something and the line is quite blurred on whether or not it's something that will help people or if people have just lost their absolute mind.

Most of the time they've lost their mind, let's be honest. And when I'm unsure, I turn to one person, and one person only for the final verdict. There's only one man equipped to have a final verdict and that is I. Okay. Yes. Freddie Ash. Yes. Okay. Yes. Ready Ash. Yes. Okay. And for people who obviously can't watch this video, we are,

we are going to put it on socials, but Ash describe to them what you've just witnessed. I've just witnessed a young mother creating slime. Where? On her brand new floor. Yes. So a couple of thoughts. First thought, did you really need to tell us it's a brand new floor? What's the- Little flex. No, that's why I said it's a bit arrogant. They're obviously renovating. Not to have a little- Twist your little, uh, yeah, great. Not to have a little dig at you there, but just, just, that's a thought. You're being very kind right now, because that's the fucking dumbest video I've ever seen. I don't think it's the dumbest video I've ever seen. They're just wooden floors, but slime is a pain in the ass.

We'll just get some Play-Doh, but do it on a mat or something. Why are you being so reserved right now in your judgment of this parent? She's made slime with like, essentially like a four litre bottle of cream. If anyone wondering, I dropped a bottle of cream

out of the fridge before this record. And did you see how much of a nightmare it was to clean up? Yeah, that's true. Who was making slime on the floor in the bedroom? Purposely making a mess is dumb. And who needs that much slime for the kids? Slime is the absolute worst for kids. Yeah.

You may as well give them a loaded handgun. That's like, that's on the level where slime is at. That's a bit extreme. Is it though? I actually gave Maisie a loaded Nerf gun the other day and she just shot April straight in the head. Yeah. But look, I agree, like you're making a mess purposely.

Like why the fuck would you do that? That's a bit silly. If you want to make slime, go ahead. Like you're making a mess purposely. Like why the fuck would you do that? That's a bit silly. But if you want to make slime, go ahead. Make it in a container. There he is. Listen to the man. The laws of reason. She did make it look like it was so effortless.

Don't get sucked in. Let me hang. No, go on. I'm going to make slime on my brand new floors. And I'm going to make it look effortless to clean it up. What? Effortless to clean it up so What? Effolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol Don't do it. Don't make Play-Doh. Play-Doh sucks. No, look, I... Play-Doh sucks. Whenever I see Play-Doh in a gift bag at a party, I look at the parent and I'm like, why? Why are you...

Oh, remember that next time. Why are you punishing us? Man, Macy loves it. Like, you know, cutting up little pizzas with it. Oh, that's very good. I do hate the smell of Play-Doh. And the texture. Let's go into parenting lies.

Everything else about it. Let's go into parenting lies. Ash, I've got one here. This is from Nicola who wrote back to my story on the Instagram. And she says, I tell my toddler, I need to check if the dog is being naughty to leave the room after she's gone to bed. I tell my toddler, just so go again. I'll tell you once more time. Hang on.

I just want to go. Are we lying to the dog? Nicola. Okay. Parent says to her toddler who's just gone to bed, I need to check if the dog is being naughty to justify her leaving the room without the toddler questioning. Oh, so it's a get out of the room tactic. What?

Correct. I was like, what? Correct. Have I missed something? Okay. So it's when obviously we just go to bed and say, I better check on the dog. Yeah. And it's like the one thing that the kid's like, oh, I get it. You can, you can live. I get it.

I think we've talked about this before, but I always say, I need to do a wee. And that's the one that kids can't question. They're like, well, okay. Any bathroom activities they can't be like, oh, I completely understand. So sorry. Please don't let me get in the way. Why can't you just shit yourself like I do? Very good. I've got one here from Lauren, which is very random, which I had a little giggle at. I thought maybe you'll have a giggle at. Lauren says, my dad told my sister a Virgin was someone who couldn't drive a car. Why? In what situation do you think like you would

have to lie to your child about what a virgin is. Probably every situation I would think. And maybe the kid was a bit young and you don't want to say, well, virgin is someone who doesn't have sex. I do remember, though, I do remember, I think I must have been grade two or grade three and there was a boy called Kieran who was making a joke about a stiffy. And I was like, sorry, what? I didn't know what it meant. And I remember going home, I was like, guys, what does it mean? And they're like, you don't know about a stiffy and I was like, sorry, what? I didn't know what it meant. And I remember going home. I was like, guys, what does it mean?

And they're like, you don't know what a stiffy is. And I was very much on the out. And I went home and I said, mom, what's a stiffy? And she wouldn't tell me either. And I was like, well, someone just show me what a stiffy is. You had to ask your brother, didn't you? But sometimes kids, kids ask for the meaning of certain words where you're like, I ain't going there.

To whip out a clueless quote. That's quite clever. That's pretty clever. Yeah. You're a virgin who can't drive. That's it. Ash, before we go, we have a couple of very quick questions. We did have a story last week.

If people didn't listen to that episode, first of all, go and listen to it. Cause it's very funny. Sorry. That was aggressive. I apologize. There's a story in there of how your family stole from... April. Stole from Kmart.

Accidental. No, stole not from Kmart, from a reputable... Oh, f**king yeah. Kmart. Someone has asked, do you boys remember the very first thing that you stole? And as someone who has some pretty solid prize. I'm on the run. Do you recall?

I don't recall, I don't recall as a child stealing anything. Because obviously sometimes Marley or Lola grab a chocolate bar, which I'm unaware of. Let me just get the police on the phone again. And it's only when you're getting back in the car and you're like, oh my gosh, you took like that wad of cash from the register. He left you about the clava behind. But do you remember like consciously knowing that what you're about to do taking something was naughty?

No, I don't. I don't recall as a child stealing anything or like having or taking something. I do remember my grandmother who's still alive when we were kids a couple of times in the very same store in which we mentioned earlier actually stole toys for us. So what she did was she just took him out of the packet, chucked him in a purse and walked out. This is like in the early nineties. So it's, what do you mean? Like that makes it okay. In the nineties, I want to incriminate my grandmother. Is she still here?

She is. Sorry, Dan. You're getting locked up. But I do remember being like, that's not right. But then I'm getting a toy. So I didn't say nothing. Ain't no snitch. I remember, doesn't only happen nowadays because no one pays with coins. But in grade one, I remember seeing there's a little jar in the kitchen that was a money jar and mom would use that to pay for a tuck shop, you know, put in like a dollar 40 for a sausage roll.

Delicious. I, over time, I kind of figured out that the gold coins were worth a bit more. And I had, I don't remember how much I had, it must've been a lot, but I went to school with all of this money and I remember going to the other kids and being like, whatever you want from the tuck shop, don't worry. I look after you. And it must have been quite a lot because I quickly got pulled into the principal's office.

And they're like, where'd you get the money from kid? And I was like, I didn't say nothing. My mom got called into the school. Did she? Yeah. They were like, it must have been significant. What was the pun of 25 to life? And I was like, I didn't know what I was doing.

You wanted only bank heist. I'm just a sweet, innocent little boy. Fooled then. That was, yeah, that was like my first. I kind of knew, I remember like my, my mum would leave the room and I would like sneak into the kitchen and take the money quickly before she realized. Someone say it's a bit of a Robin Hood complex there. Cause you're stolen from the rich and taken to school to offer and buy the poor.

A lot of analogy in this episode. Too many. Too many I'd say. This is the last one I promise. We'll see. And in those days, shit was cheap. Yeah. Oh man. You could buy like an Anaconda snake for like 20 cents. Oh, that's what the dollar is.

Oh, good my day. You could buy a house for 20 cents for a free Anaconda put inside. We need to get some chicken nuggets for lunch. What's your question, big guy? My question. I have one girl, you have two girls. I don't know if you know that, but I know that. I know that as well. And Annie has written in and said,

Hey guys, at what age should kids be allowed to wear makeup? Even if it's just for fun. Now for me, boy and a girl, the most sort of makeup or anything cosmetic that they would use is painting the nails, which you're a really big fan of doing for your girls anyway. I did notice Oscar had his toenails. Toenails, yeah, black. Black, one black, one pink.

But what do you reckon? God, this is a, it's a prickly one. We did notice that, you know, kids are very aware. They're always watching. They're always seeing things happen. And whenever Laura was, you know, going out in the morning, or especially if she was going to an event, she would, before leaving the house- Because it's not something you would think you would need to hide or-

No! Would want to hide. Yeah. Laura would do a quick touch up. Do a mascara. She's like, mommy's wearing a mask! And then a few times, Marley would be leaving for daycare and she'd be like, I need to put some makeup on to look pretty to leave the house.

And we were like, oh shit, this is, this is a road. Yeah, you better. And so we also, you know, we thought it was really cute on the weekends when she was dabbling in a bit of makeup and we'd be like, oh my God, you look so beautiful. But they were like, oh, that's, I was sending the wrong message weekends when she was dabbling in a bit of makeup. And we'd be like, oh my God, you look so beautiful. But they were like, oh, that's sending the wrong message. You don't want to be- You don't want them to think that you need it to be beautiful.

Yeah. Yeah. So it's really, it's hard. It's a hard one because you like, you want them to have fun and play and, you know, they have like little makeup stations that they play with. You don't want to think that they're going to be unattractive if they don't wear makeup. Yeah. What are you trying to sell it as? Like a disguise? That's it. That's it. I never actually even ever thought about this whatsoever until this very moment. As a guy, yeah, never. Not once.

But now that I've got kids, I'm like, oh shit, this is something I have to be aware of. Even so, I never thought about it until just now. So we say that they can't wear it for, I mean, Marley's five, Lola's three. Both of them have like a little kids makeup kit. They do a bit of eyeshadow poorly, I might add. I'm not expecting them to be like award-winning makeup artists. You're not going to get dressed like that with that face of makeup on.

You look like a whore, man. But we allow them to have a little dabble. Is it too young? I don't know. God. I think if you're selling it as like dress up. You know what I mean? You know how kids love to dress up in... Especially your girls are very, very big fans of dress up in the Frozen stuff I noticed. The princess dresses.

Yeah. And I think like if you're selling it and they're doing it as just like, I'm gonna dress up as a character, then it's, it's all right. But if I think like, if she's like, I'm going to, I need to do it to look beautiful to go to kindy. I'd be like, Oh, I'm just going to turn to Jess for one second. And Jessica, at what age did you first start wearing makeup? The first time I ever wore makeup was when I was five, ballpark, U6 formal, where I absolutely looked like someone just punched my face in because it was the

first time I've ever done it. Oh, I would love to see that photo. Then I graduated to eyeliner. This is like at the height of like emo life. Yeah. Where are you? Like that. Mascara, U10 formal, still off the charts.

And then you're 12. It was like, hey, let's put cake on. Cake it on. I feel like primary school is for like the fun dabbling. Then like you get to like the semi-formal. That's kind of when you get a bit more serious. Imagine if you never, if we never had makeup. It was never invented.

Dropping that kind of scenario on people at the end of the podcast. I don't know if they're ready for it. Imagine if makeup was never- Get ready for it. That's where my brain goes. Imagine if which, cause it's such a weird concept to think if you, if you get to the nooks and crannies of it, right? You're like, I am essentially changing my changing the way I look. For what reason? When who decided that this is what we're going to do? Yeah, there he is. And this is going to be part of normal life because it's kind of like becoming like for Jess just gave us a little breakdown into, okay, she was five, she might have played with it. Just these progressive stages

until when it just becomes part of your everyday life of getting ready. What if that never happened? Think how much time we would have all saved. April would be like, are you ready? And she'd be like, yeah, five more minutes. That would have actually meant five more minutes. And that's why I love doing this podcast with you. Just the way you look at the world.

It's unbelievable. It took me an hour to get that thought out. And if you finally contributed, if you have been wowed by Ash in this episode, we would love it if you would share it with anybody else who needs that type of enlightenment. Don't patronize me. Please give us a review. Subscribe to us.

We did get a couple of reviews, which were quite nice. We really do appreciate those. Yes, we do. Thank you so much. I do. Do we have any bad ones? Let's read out the bad one. We actually don't want to invite anyone to write something negative.

We haven't had a bad one for a little while. Touch wood. I'm, I know I've just jinxed it. We haven't have we? We've been very lucky. We're very, very lucky. Okay. Let's take that out.

Let's not encourage them. Do it. But we also Ash, have our social media. very lucky. Okay. Let's take that out. Let's not encourage them. Do it. But we also, Ash, have our social media. We do, yes. We have our Facebook group. You can join. It's going strong. Join the community, join the conversation.

Also Instagram, two doting dads. It's like a presidential slogan. Join the community. Yeah, join the community, join the conversation. Join the fight. Vote one. Two doting dads. Yes, two doting dads on Instagram as well.

And TikTok. And we shall see you next time. Goodbye. Goodbye. Okay. We're back. Okay. I said to the guy. Yeah. What happened? I've been laughing for eight minutes. I said.

Okay. I'm good. I'm good. I'm really trying to get through this. He's being a little silly boy. To Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.