Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #Ep 199 A new year & some questionable resolutions

Episode Date: January 20, 2026

It's the new year and the boys are wasting no time getting out their new years' resolutions. But can they actually stick to them? Some are achievable, some are... less so. Let's just say there is a boat and a new language involved so stay tuned.  The boys realise they're officially getting old when everything at the playground gives them vertigo or has them seeing double from dizziness. And Matt reveals he's finally found a new babysitter but could it leave Nanna out of a job!? All will be revealed... so take a listen! If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I may have or may have not, and I'm not quite totally sure. Were you speaking English just then? What did I say? I don't know. I think I may or I may not have embarrassed to myself. There he is. I'm not sure. Hang on, hang on.

Welcome back to two dying dads. I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And same plan for this year.

There is no advice to be given. Ash, what have you done? is 2026. Well, like, technically, well, we are... We are pre-recording this. We're coming to you from the past. We recorded this before our holidays. Yeah. But we'll say it's 2026. Happy New Year, Ash. Yeah, it's still January. You can do that.

You can happy new year in January. Yeah, even though this is December. I'm confused. So I may or may not have embarrassed myself. Yep. Recently, I... Can I just say I'm sure you have? Okay.

recently I was on a guided tour of the zoo a few weeks back your zoo quota visits are just phenomenal I know it gets it going you're keeping the zoo trade in Australia going I am anyway so we're on a guided tour

with adults and lots of kids and I am one for information I like to listen to what the zookeeper is saying mainly because I'll get bored otherwise That's just how my brain works. I need to listen. I can't just look. I've got to look and listen.

Yeah, I'm with you. I'm with you. Same thing. But anyway, so we're, my God. Okay. We are going along and he's giving us information about the animals that we are seeing on said tour. That's how a tour would work, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah.

They would go through and talk about animals that are currently in the vicinity of the eye line. What we're looking at, yeah. Yeah, but I can't hear because the fucking kids are going mental. And it's like it was like my kids and a bunch of kids that we didn't know that were the similar age. So they've congregated it and they're overtaking pretty much the adults. And I have drifted to the back because I'm like, I can't handle this noise anymore. I need to drift to the back.

Anyway, we come around the corner and it's me at the back with one other dad. And I was like, it's much quieter back here, isn't it? Shitty dad joke. He didn't say anything. And I was like, oh. Maybe that wasn't that funny. And then as we approached the group, he started to talk to his wife. In Chinese, might I add.

So he would have just said, what's this guy back here rambling on about? Because he can't understand what I'm saying. Did he give you like a smile? He gave me nothing. Okay. He just was like. Unless he understood you and just didn't find it funny. See, I don't know.

Yeah. And I will never know. You were a funny guy. Thank you. But I don't know if I should be embarrassed. Or not. What do you think? It's a hard one.

I'm not sure. I'm lost. Look, I put, I showed all my cards. Did you follow it up? Did you follow it up with like, what about the penguins? No, once he started to speak a different language, I thought there's a clear language barrier here. Did you not, I didn't notice? You didn't want to say that.

Where are you from? I think I was so embarrassed. I put all of my cards on the table, Matthew. You can't, you get, getting slammed at the front, getting slammed at the back. I did just leave the tool. What'd you do? That sounds like a good time. I didn't want to then follow up with another shit joke

just because he does understand me just thinks I'm not funny because that would be way more heartbreaking than where I'm not out. People would be like, how would you a trip to Australia? He's like, ah, it's a fucking humour. Humour and the locals over there. Appalling!

Some idiot with a moustache and some tattoos. I don't know if that was a joke or an observation. And then he was wigging out. It became paranoid. And now he's confused. Anyway, so that's me. That's where I'm at right now. By the time of this coming out,

we would have already spent a holiday together, which we were spending, the plan is to spend New Year's together. I know, families. Families together. Together. Down south. Yes, this renovation that has been going on for what feels like an eternity. A year and a half?

That's an eternity in my eyes. I did this for you and your family. Rich. I, every night when I was there slaving over choices of different paint color swatches, what tile or out color do I use? Only for Laura to do. change of mind. Exactly.

And I did this, A, to keep my wife happy, but B, to provide you an incredible experience over the Christmas holidays. Oh, well, thank you very much. And I will update the listeners when we do return. But I am excited to see the finished product because it's been nothing but the renovation this, the renovation house. There was a baby in there somewhere. Renovation here, renovation there.

And I am excited to see it. You're welcome. And to the listener, I hope you guys have had a great break. Yeah. This is confusing. because we are free recording this. I'm at housekeeping. I have to give you a really quick update on pram parking.

It's a topic that we have discussed last year. I have an update. Go on. Okay. I want you to look at the picture on your phone. And just for those listening, the debate was, if you park at a shopping center, which has the pram parking,

do you physically need to have a pram in the car or is the pram simply a symbol to represent a young child? But I also think that there should just be like a photo or a symbol of a car seat because I feel like majority of people said if you have a car seat or child in a car seat that warrants that type of parking. I do like this photo.

What does it say? Read it out. First of all, I love how you've got your feet in this photo. Got the crocs in there. With the crocs on. I'm really liking that. Thank you. Fresh air conditioning in those crocs, that's for sure.

Those holes. I get very sweaty in the crocs. Yeah, sweaty boy. Whammy feet. It does say, reserved for parents with prams. Boom. And a picture of a pram.

So. I would say, where is this? That is Bondi Junction. Eastgate shopping centre. So is it a Westfield or something? No, it's Eastgate. What's that? East Gate.

We don't have that over there in Northgate. What is it? It's Eastgate. We don't get it. Is that what you're saying? No, I'm just saying, you ask what it is. I'm telling you, that is the name of the shopping center. Fuck.

As in the slums, don't get it. So you got fancy, and also I will say, much fancier sign. Can I just say, All they have at Eastgate, they have a sushi shop, they have Audi, and they have a Kmart. And a liquor land. And a restaurant that serves nothing but seafood, Maranara. No, we're leaving that back in 2025. But technically, we're in 2025.

So that joke is right now. Laugh, damn it. So, look, I'm with you here with you. I'm just saying that I think, does this answer the question that those signs mean you need to have the pram in the car? I don't think that's a legally binding sign. Not legally binding, but it's, it removes the confusion. In Eastgate, it does. But if you've, if you only shop...

But they've used the international symbol for parenting. If you Google, just quickly, if you Google the sign for adult park, or, yeah, parking as a normal shopping center, not one of these rich ones. It's Eastgate, bro. Why are you getting defensive? We don't have Eastgate over there.

a Worrywood square. Do you trust NRMA to give you the answer? Yes, I do. Okay, good. What's the sign look like? This is what I'm trying to say. What's the actual symbol look like? It's white pram.

Can I see the pram? Yeah, okay. This is where I'm at here. Look, NRMA, fucking hell. You can, you just give us a quick answer. Stick to insurance. They're like prams were invented in 1865. Oh, stick to comprehensive insurance.

Oh, my God. The short answer is that legally there is nothing to prevent a person without a pram or infant parking in that spot. Or infant. I'm more like the pram depicted in this picture is different to the pram depicted in every other picture. So this one's very based off a very expensive model. Shall we?

The bugaboo, if you ask me. And the rest of them are more of the common man. That's a baby bee pram. A baby bee. Thank you very much. Are you having a strike today? No, okay, all right. It's because you didn't have lunch.

That's the problem. The jury is out. still. Is that what we're saying? I don't know. I'm waiting for Jahan to get back to me. Can I have a little update if I may? We have found a babysitter. Like a nanny? Thank you. A nanny? Yes. Okay. Go on. We do have three children. We have busy working couple. We have decided and I went to a couple of daycares for Poppy. Fuck, that were bad. They were bad. I went to one daycare. Name and shame. No. She's too young. Obviously, we wouldn't send her until, I don't know, like 12 months, maybe.

Yeah, okay. But I went to one day care local to me and it was booked in, popped in there. I went into the infant room, like those kids who were like around about 12 months-ish. Did you go in like this covering up? I was excited to see the kids. And the kids were just each one of them screaming, covered in snot, covered in food, to the point where I was like, do you want me to pick up one of these kids? They look like they're all in a bit of distress.

You guys need teachers? No, no, no, that's fine. Anyway, so we normally do lunchtime at this time. We can go outside, a little pay pen. And I was like, someone needs to look after these kids. Oh. And I was like, I don't know about sending my kid there. And Laura was like, how was it?

And I was like, yeah, it was really good. We should put it down on the way list. Oh, God. It might have just been a bad time. And also, do you know what I reckon? Go on. Do you know what I think? What?

It's like the squeaky wheel gets the oil. Do you just steal my saying? As I always say. You never said that. If you will, the squeaky wheel. Wiki floorboard gets the nail. I just made that up, you think. As I've always said.

Put your on a t-shirt. And Poppy is such a chiller. She's such a chiller. And I worry that they'll be like, oh, she's fine. Because she just won't cry, so she won't get much attention. Okay. That's it. But one of the parents from daycare were like, hey, we're moving to the northern

beaches and we've got this amazing nanny. Incredible nanny. First of all, I haven't approved this move to the northern beaches. for these people. Because you're the king of North and Beaches. Thank you. I'll oversee the move. Make sure everything runs smoothly.

So they are moving, their nanny who was in Bondi, didn't want to move. And they were like, you can have her if you want. Like you're just handing her over. Oh, we're re-gifting this one.

What the fuck? Merry Christmas. I called her up and I'm like, I'm now your family. She's like, who the fuck is this? You can refer to me as daddy from now on. No, we had an interview. And she's great.

And she's well vetted from this other family. She was with him for two years. Have you checked the driving record? She has a license. Nice. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, last year Matt spoke about a nanny that he hired. Didn't check a driving record.

She went on to hit a pedestrian with his car. I thought she was great. I thought she was fantastic. She was great. So she hit a petition. She completely lied in an interview. But so this is great because it's vetted from the other family. They're like, she's amazing.

That's a good get, some would say. Except it was a little bit awkward when we had it for the interview. and obviously love Nana, love Nana. I can just see Nana be like, is this my replacement. So Nana's 73 and she's been through a lot and she gets tired easily as you would at 73

and being through a number of health issues. Okay, she's got a bad foot also so she can't take the kids out the house really. She like, love her to death, but can barely take Buster for a walk. I can just picture you interviewing this, this nanny and she's like, I was going about a driving,

record. Just trying to throw her under the bus. Ellie was cooking in the kitchen here. And so where are we are? We were sitting as we are now on the table. And Ellie's there banging pots and pans. And I was like, you know, can you, do you like to cook? I love to cook. And then Ellie's just like, making noise. She's like, I also like to cook. Bong, bang, bang, bang, bang. And I was, after this, I was like, you're not, you're not upset by that. She said, what would I be? I was like, oh, shit.

I had a friend once. It was fucking takes off. Poor old duck. Does she not understand that she's pretty much being relieved? Yeah. It's like... It's awkward. It's a bit awkward.

I mean, I don't want Ellie to work that hard. You know, and also, because we've got to record here, so Poppy's got to be out of the house. Nana can't do those things. She's also a bit clumsy. Very clumsy. Remember she fell down the escalator? She fell down the escalator.

With Marley! How did we go on a cruise with her and she didn't fall over there? I don't know. I was worried. I like locked the balcony door because I was like, can't trust Ellie in a balcony. You changed tables at a restaurant. It's like, oh. The whole world changes.

She's not listening, but I love you dearly. Yeah, as do I. As do I very much. So congratulations. Thank you. What's the family like from the Northern Beach? Well, now that they live in a lot. It's lovely, really nice.

What's the dad like? Really nice. I've never met the dad. want to start a podcast. He's, he's, he's in finance, so good luck

with that. High finance. You would have a finance friend. How's his portfolio? Diversified. Oh, very good. Well, congratulations.

I got breaking news for you, my friend. And, and if there... Can I just say I was hoping, praying that there was breaking news? Would it be breaking? It's relevant.

It'll still be relevant. It'll still be relevant. It's breaking now and forever. So just to paint you a picture. If you do have kids in the car, I would say turn this right up because I'm about to help you. Breaking news. Boy in Malaysia loses 12 teeth after years of sleeping without brushing his teeth. But that's the breaking news, okay?

And the reason why I'm giving this off the bat. First in the year, because I want to help parents of this great nation get their kids to brush their teeth. Sure. He looks very upset. He looks. So if you kids are listening and you're in the car right now with your parents, parent, guardian, whatever you want to call them. What I'm saying is, if you don't brush your teeth kids. You get your news sources from...

You will lose 12 teeth. That's just what happens. Yep. So I think what you should do is go. home, have a good, hard look at yourself, and brush your teeth. And this year, if I'm going to bring breaking news to the table, I want it to also be helpful. And this one I find is helpful. Now, if you go through it... I think this is the last time we run this segment. What parents can learn. Brushing before bedtime is vital for young children. Can't tell if you're ignoring me

intentionally. I am. Sorry, continue. So he began, he began having headaches and poor appetite. Wait a minute My kids have terrible episode What else How it started The boy often fell asleep Without brushing

After milk feeds What do you mean He's like 13 Letting sugar Sit on his teeth Through the night So you heard it here first kids Brush your fucking teeth

Anyway That's breaking news And we'll be back next week With breaking news But it is the new year Matt And what happens in New Year's. People have resolutions. They know. Mine never

last. What's one that you've succeeded on? Well, this is awkward. I've never, can I, I'll be honest. I've never, I've never planned, like I've never had a resolution. I only have dumb, silly ones. Go on. I don't really remember them. What about this year? Got to have something that you want to achieve, something you want to do. What I would like us to do, Ash.

No. obviously there was an outpouring of emotion when we announced the calendar was not coming back oh yeah so i think first on the list we want to do another calendar the gays hated that the gays and my nan and it were not happy not happy but also it's like when it's like when a really popular music artist dies everyone's like oh my god i loved him it's like well buy his albums then before we die like buy the calendars we were sitting on a palette exactly right you didn't buy enough I know, I was getting threats. There was no sense of urgency for us.

People were threatened, when they found out, I was getting threatened with nudes. But we... From gays. They're like, I'll send you a picture of my dick, I'll do it. So we will do the calendar. I would like us to do an event, a live show. Could be shows or singular.

You and me. Somewhere. I don't feel like doing any of that. But thank you. No, I'm kidding. I agree. I think. But what about personally?

Personally? Personally? I would like to run a marathon. No, that's lame. I want to punch myself in the throat when I say that. I wanted to jump across this table and give you a swift one. I'm sorry, I panicked. What else you got?

That's it. Like, I want to do high rocks. Do you know what you want to do? I want to travel internationally to do high rocks. God. I would like to learn Spanish. You're just copying me now. I say Portuguese.

So between the two of us, we've got most. South American country is covered. All right. What me, for me, I don't know what yet. I want to learn something new. I'm tossing up language. I've, actually, a New Year's resolution I've had to. Actually.

Go. Yes, you with the finger in the year. I would like to learn how to sail. Sell or sale? Both. Sail, I want to sail. I want to do in a sailing club. Oh, God.

What is, you? What do you do for fun? I quite often ask myself about what does Maddie J do other than hanging out with me? What do you do for fun? That's it. You think about that one day you want to sail. This is the only fun I have. Oh gee, golly, mister.

It is so fun. What's fun, Matt? Just thinking about sailing. Fuck you. Well, come on. Give me something. What about you? What did you say?

For the last three years, my resolution has that I wanted to learn piano. Oh, you fucking loser? What are you, musician? Yeah. Jesus. That's a normal thing. What are you living in the 50s? You're like, I'm going to pull up to Bondi Pavilion.

I'm going to learn how to do jazz. Jazz specifically, yes. After watching that year six jazz band last year. You want to learn to play a piano. How is learning how to sail any different? Well, I have a multitude of other hobbies that are already excel in, Matt. Name me one. Sounds lame.

Say it? Racing online. Ah! Hey I search Cause I like to pet games online Me and my friends get to like games online Anyway I'm like a racing simulator

Sorry You guys gonna go to my hat Oh well I don't have a sweater draped over my shoulders And talking about Starved or whatever Think about Yield the waistcoat

From the top Manhole Think about all those adventurers out there They've got real girls People who you know Yeah but they're real man, Matthew. I'm a man.

Don't you shave your legs? You shave your chest. I trimmed it. We are pathetic. And that's different. We are fucking pathetic. There's one thing to sum this up is maybe this year we could be less pathetic. I want to, I do want to like, I want to learn a skill.

Maybe dance class. I don't know. Let's move on. You are a dance family. Thank you. Okay. Do you know what rule I want to try and get better at? Okay.

This is my goal. This is my game. This is it. I'm being serious now. All of that joking and the malarkey we had before. Malarkey, great work. Thank you. But this is now honestly hand on heart.

This is what I want to change for 2026. Go on. I want to be off my phone from the moment I pick up the kids to when they go to bed. Well, what if I need you? You can contact me after 7.30. I'll call Laura. She won't pick up. She's useless.

That's my plan. So I want to leave my phone in the car. So from 3.30. No, 5 o'clock. Because I'll go to after 7. to school care. Just extend that out to bed time. Yeah.

I just want to have no phone on the drive home. So I can... That's pretty good. That's my plan. Yeah, it's... That's pretty good, actually. I'll give you that. Thank you.

I'm not that dedicated, but I don't really have anything serious. You drinking, maybe? Excuse me? Sorry. I'm currently 10 days sober right now. Yeah, I enjoy that. Is that going to last?

Oh my God! I'm going to go home and have a drink now, I guess. Sorry. We'll find out. Sorry. I apologize. No, that's right. I apologize.

I've been pretty good this year. I would like to think at some stage. I've been pretty good for the last 10 days. You've been phenomenal. Really good. I'm proud of you. 10 days. That's all year.

No. 10 days straight. Yeah, I don't really have anything like, oh, I don't know. If you do have a decent resolution, put it in the Facebook group and we'll read it out maybe. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, one's...

It's really coming hot this year. One story. One story I forgot to tell you last year. So it was like the last day of daycare that I was picking up Lola. Okay. And this is a kid. I want to call him Hunter. It's not...

It's a fake name, but it's just Hunter's a naughty name. No, let's go with a J name. His name was James. Fucking James. Picking up Lola and he comes over this kid. And I was like trying to find a bag and make sure a water bottle's in a bag. So you always forget the water bottle and it's a bloody nightmare. Get home and Lola's like,

water bottle. I'm like, I don't know where the water bottle is. So I've got the water bottle. Right? I had a lot of water bottle there. Thank you. And this kid is, is like, he's laughing at her. And I was like, what fuck this kid about? And then he goes, she's scared of me. Ha, ha, scared of me. And I was like, what? And then he goes, she thinks I'm going to punch her in the face. And I was like, you, what now? Does he not know that you're a future sailor? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? disrespect my story like that and dude i just i just grabbed this kid by the arm and i was like

you grabbed a child by the arm gently okay you approached this child no fuck it by the sleeve so i grabbed the kid's arm okay fair enough yeah and i walk him over to the teacher oh you are that is clever and poor teacher who's lovely by the way honestly i thought this was going a different direction but good for you so i built this nutty so i gave me so the teacher's like have a good afternoon and i was you come here for a second? I apologize to her later. I was like, I'm really sorry. And I was like, this kid here is talking in a way that's very inappropriate. Wow. And this kid was like, holy fuck. You're going to learn today, kid. And Lola was like, Jesus. And I was like, I think

you should speak to him about his words and how inappropriate they are. And I'm like, oh, God, got worked up. I was like, I will fucking die for my child. I will kill this. No, sorry. You said you will die for your job. In my head, I was just like, I will I will protect Lola like my life depends on it. Even if she's being picked on by a four-year-old boy, I will go into battle for her. Poor kid. Pick the wrong dad.

But I think... We're talking about the kid who beats you up, though. Lola. Did she get to handle herself? She was like, that's cute, dad. Let me handle this. But the nerve of this kid, to do that, in front of

in front of me knowing that I'm the parent picking her up this kid I wasn't scared of nothing but like where did that come from like where's what's the origin story apparently he's one of three boys and they're just they're all very naughty boys and I would say there's a good chance

he probably likes her right I don't know yeah little kid you just like yeah there is a mum that does have kids at the school my son goes to like five boys Oh my God.

Yeah. And you can tell by the last boy, she's giving up. She's just like, like, she gave up. Yeah, she's like, just punch the shit out of whoever you want, bro. Yeah. So what did the teacher say? Let go of my child. No, she was good.

She was good. She was good. And I, after I was like, sorry about that. Good thing you're not coming back. Well, no, the good thing that he's not going to lower school. Oh, yeah. He's going to miss her. Yeah.

That's what I think. I think he's got his little crush on your daughter. Can't wait to never see Little James. As your first and last. interaction with little James. I know. I know. He'll be a Jimmy one day.

That's for sure. Do you ever, do you ever get sick on swings? Dude, I can't, I cannot do it. At first, I thought, what is this feeling? And then I thought, this is motion sickness. What's that about? It's like, when you hit your 30s, they're like, check this box. This guy's gives motion sickness.

Yeah. Why is it when you hit your 30? motion sickness just ramps up. I was, it's like I was hung over all day because I was on the swing for three minutes. And it's like every park is just all about motion sickness.

It's either they're swinging, they're spinning or they're bouncing. Yeah. I can't handle it. Seesaws. Oh. God, we're lame. God.

I honestly. How are you going to sail if you get seasick on a swing? It's different. I honestly, on the swing for three minutes and I got home. and I was like burping up.

I was like... Oh, the reflux. I just, I can't do it anymore. I used to... Try it to hang over. Oh. I should quit drinking. Swings I don't care for.

Also, I don't care for pushing them either. Macy needs to use their legs. Can Oscar swing himself in a swing? Yeah, yeah. And Macy's getting the gist of it just because I'm like, I'm not pushing you because I feel like. So she's starting to get good at it too.

What about your girls, though? Malie's terrible. Really? Really? Really bad. Yeah, I've been trying to teach her for a while. She's good at everything. No, that's a thing, dude.

Okay, two things that she cannot do. And two things I've tried in vain to teach her. One, to kick herself on the swing, to, what's it called? To self-move on a swing. Self-move. I think it's called momentum, Matthew. What do you call it? You there.

You there. You're over there. You've self-moved on a swing before. I think it's just swinging. Yep. Well said, thank you. Let's move on from this gender. No, so she can't, she can't do it.

She just, I'm like, kick, pull back, kick now. No, now. Too late, quick. Up again, up again, up again, up again, up again. Straight legs. So it's straight legs forward, bent legs, bat. And then they're like, she can't get it. She can't get it.

Like she's like one leg out. Like just swimming? I'm like, oh my God. It's not a bike, Marley. There's like little three-year-olds. They were just like, get on about. Their parents are like,

don't look at her. I don't know. She's like, yeah. Don't stare. But the other thing that I'm trying to teach her at the moment, cartwheels. That's tricky. Can you car wheel?

Can I? Can I? I'm talking to a future sailor. Of course you can cartwheel. I did gymnastics for four years. Four whole years. Thank you. Before or after your foreskin was chopped off.

It was after. Okay, so you were real limber. Nothing weighing you down. I can cartwheel, but I've been trying to teach her, and I've been looking. You said that so confidently. Yep, I can't quite wheel. I want to see it cartwheels in the garden after this. Yeah, that's for 2027.

That's the goal. Go, go, go. He's got a cartwheel. No, I just, I've looked at, every video on YouTube to try and teach her. I'm like, whip up the back leg. She goes to put her hands down, but then she pauses. And then, and then, I just don't patronize her with that.

I don't want to see it fall over. No, she just can't whip up. So she can't, she like. Oh, it's like a donkey kick sort of. Yeah. Yeah, I can't. How embarrassing. I'm embarrassed.

I'm like, I thought you were good at everything. Yeah. Okay, so swinging? And cartwheels. Can't work. Okay. If anyone out there has taught their child to cartwheel, give me the instruction. I haven't even thought about that.

Give me the secret source. I'm going to try it. Do you know what we should do? When we go down south to the manor, we should see what I did it. We should see if we can get Oscar and Marley to cartwheel. That's the goal. She loves it. Yeah.

And Marley's like, am I getting better? And I'm like, oh, God. Okay, if you did some research, do you have any pro? What's a pro tip? Do you have any? Just fling your legs. Yeah. Well, you've got to like.

you've got to even they they map out like little markers like in front of you because you go like hand hand foot foot hand hand and then you've got to like it's hard to explain i have to show you on person so okay but i've i've got the instructional videos on youtube and still still nothing because you just got it you got the momentum to like whip the legs around nice and straight but marley doesn't do that yeah i don't think i can get my legs straight i know i have no doubt thank you uh yeah i think i would be like pretty band over. You'd like that. Anyway, we should definitely try that.

Yes. We should try that. Look, you won't understand this because your daughters don't have a penis. And my son has a penis. A disappointing one at that. No. I'm just kidding. There was an incident. And sometimes when we go into public bathrooms, we share a stall.

It's fine. He's my kid. I'm his dad, I think. Does he, like, how do you feel about being naked in front of your kids? Too bad for them. Is he ever like, why is your- This is what a man looks like, son? Why was your ass so hairy?

Yeah, oy. Mali assistant, she's like, why is, why do you have such a hairy ass? It's a filter. We're just in a stall sharing a toilet. Yeah. Anyway, the other day, we went into a public toilet and we used the stall together. And he's just started to, like,

have that obsession with looking at me and not him, what he's doing. Right. You know what I mean? And I'm like, don't look at me. Look at your thing. Don't go to a bathroom

and look at someone else's junk. Obviously, I'm just going to ask, you go at the same time? Yeah, it was sore fight. Do you really? Yeah, why? Do you, we at the same time? Yeah.

And honestly, he's got that young bladder. And yeah, yeah, he can we like, like, why don't you? I'm standing there going, come on. What, we're at the same time. Yeah, why? It saves time. I don't know.

Yeah, I just, obviously, I can't do that with my girl because they need to take up the whole. Unless you pee through their legs. Which would that'd be weird. Don't, don't shame me when yours is weird. I'm not shaming. I'm just, I just, that's a beautiful moment between a father and a son. Stair at each other's dicks. Anyway, I'm like, trying to teach in bathroom etiquette, okay?

Look at your own junk and where it's going. Aim. Aim is important. Why don't you go into the urinal? The urinals were full. Cool. Okay. And it's like, look, you shut the door, get done, whatever, you know.

And I'm very much like keeping your mind we're in public, all right? So I'm very much like, look at your own junk when you're in a public bathroom. I think that's a fair lesson. Yeah. Okay. You don't want to learn that the hard way. Okay. Trust me.

No, actually don't because it didn't happen. Anyway, I was like, okay, make sure you look what you're doing. And I could tell. Good lesson. He wasn't looking at what he was doing because old man. was looking at me and he was pissing on my leg. Right? Yeah.

That's the first thing. And I said, Oi, look at what you're doing. And he flat out lied to me. He said, I am looking at what I'm doing. I said,

clearly not, unless you're intentionally trying to piss on me. Which one is it? What do he say? He said, I'm intentionally trying to piss on you. I was like, okay, you tried to get out of,

you tried to get out of me trying to help you. Now you're in trouble. Because you've just pissed on me on. How much piss did you have on you? Enough to be concerned. Enough that I had, I was like, fucking hell. I'm in public.

I got pissed running down my leg. My sock was drenched. Ran down to my leg onto my sock. Anyway, I've got another video to show you. Go on. Really quickly. Can I just admit to something? Go on.

You've peed on me before, haven't you? I've always found it hard to pee in urinals and I'm close to other men. Okay. Let's digest that. Always. Let's diagnose that. Sorry. No, wait, let's dissect.

That's the word. Three D words. Always found it. Always got stage flight. Okay. I like it. I have no issues. You like it?

I have to hold my breath to make myself piss. If I'm like shoulder to shoulder to... Why is Matt Purple? The matter of times I'm working up in a urinal. That I like. That I do. I'm going to admit something too. I have pushed.

someone into a urinal. I was at a pub once and someone stanched me in the urinal. Stanched me, Matt. And I just, you know the little step? Yeah. I just went, boop. And he went, back into the urinal.

What'd you do? I just mose it on out. He didn't come for you? He's covered in piss. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, what's he going to do? Run through the pub with piss. Then he's getting kicked out because he's covered in piss.

Well, yeah, he's going to get kicked out anyway. I didn't see him again, so they must have got rid of him post-haste. Wow. It's just like, who's the guy? Things like Piers? Let's go. Anyway, I got a video to show you. And also...

I really wanted to open up about that peeing issue. We should... Yeah, okay, okay. That's right. We'll move on. So what brought this on? No, that's right. No.

Does it... For another time. Does it stem right back to when you used to wheel all over the floor? And you're like, I'm worried that my mom's going to pop out and be like, chop some of it off! Like that? Do you really have to hold your breath? No.

Oh. to be fair it takes me a while as well I think it's a prostate problem Matt we quite often on this show receive lies where parents send their lies in but this is something that stumbled across my desk that I thought

you don't have a desk I know but I like to pretend I do that I wanted to show you that I thought you would really love so here it is and then you watch it then you can explain what it is I don't know of making my kids believe a set of headphones was a lie-detected test to get the truth makes me a good parent or not.

But here you have it. Just fine. Did you write on the table in the living room? No. Face, the poor thing. Just goes from like one emotion to the other so quickly because she's obviously lying. That is genius. So good.

That is amazing. We'll put it on our social so you can see it. I am doing that for sure. Oh, yeah. And the way, I love the way that they've been. situated it. Dude. So they've got the headphones on so that the muffs.

Are they muffs? On the muffs? One muffs on the front of the head and one muffs on the back of the head. Just like a 180 rotation off the ears. It's not quite 180. I'm going to go to a 90 degree angle. Sorry, none of degree angle. And I love, I always go to the comments.

Okay, it wasn't giving the comment. If she's telling the truth, this could really damage her. Good. That's got 565,000 likes. It's that comment. And shut up. Got to be happy with that. Yeah.

The commenter or the video itself? The commenter. I would say getting a viral comment is better than getting a viral video. Oh, 100%. Oh, yeah. Anyway, I just wanted to show you that because I thought it would be great. Matt, we have yapped on for long enough. Do you think?

This has been a very chaotic episode. We'll be back to regular episodes with you next week. Which will be the 27th, no, 28th. of February, January, shit. What is going on? If you're listening to this on a Wednesday, the following Wednesday will be a new episode. I'm glad that we've.

If you have enjoyed this episode in any degree. I absolutely doubt it. We would love. Actually, my New Year's resolution is to get to a thousand reviews. Wasn't that last year? Yeah. What did you get to? We're a fair way off.

Yeah. A couple hundred. That's a shame. Well, look, that's a damn shame. But you know what we're also? close to 200 episodes. We are. Keep an ear and an eye out for whatever that brings.

What should we do to celebrate the 200th episode? Anything? We'll figure something out. Let's just breeze past it. Sorry. By the time the next episode comes out, we'll be back into work mode. We will not disappoint you guys. Like this one, that this episode.

If you're listening going, God, two-notting dads got off to a rocky start in 2026. We're better than this. I'm sorry. You know how you get really checked out by the end of the year? Anyway, if you've enjoyed this episode, please leave us a review. Help Matt get to his goal of 1000s. Thank you.

Otherwise, you can join us on social media. We're at, Matt. Two Dirting Dads on TikTok. On Facebook, there is a group there bursting at the seams with parents who just want to help each other out and share it. Facebook did call and they say there's only limited room. That'll get them in. Hell, yeah.

Good, well done. You take up sailing, I'll take up fishing. And very good. TikTok, do you say TikTok? Instagram. Anyway. YouTube. It's going to be a great year.

Stay with us. See you. Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Island of people. today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.