Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #Ep 200 Matty Acton, the 38-year-old Grandad

Episode Date: January 25, 2026

From babies and grandbabies to catfishing and condom lessons, this chat is full of laughs as well as a whole lotta love from big softie, Matty Acton. You might recognise his voice from Aussie radio where he's been talking on-air for the past 20 years and while he might still look fresh-faced, don't be fooled, this 38-year-old is a wealth of parenting knowledge. Because Matty isn't just a Dad to three amazing kids, he's also now a Grandad and boy does he have some stories to share. He's seen it all, from the sleepless newborn phase, to toddler chaos, scary teen dramas and now seeing his son get married and have his own baby.  There are so many takeaways from Matty to try out on your own kids - even Matt & Ash were taking notes! And you can buy Matt's children's book, Bumble, The Bum Stinger here. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ashton, would you believe that our guest today became a granddad at 37 years of age? So he's a doting granddad. He's a doting granddad. What about first ever? First ever. Wow. Yeah, Maddie Ackton, you may know him from radio, B105 from Brisbane. I grew up in Brisbane now.

So B105, well, I would say is the best station for radio up there in Brisbane. And he is a three-time dad and a granddad. So in the hierarchy of dads, he's way up. there, Matt. Yeah, he shits on us. So eldest, right? 23. The next one, 11-year-old Xander and 8-year-old Eden. He definitely has a lot more experience than you and I. Put together. Yeah, he became a dad at the age of 18 when he got together with his now wife. So he talks about unexpectedly becoming a father at such a young age. Pre-fabricated family, Matthew, if you will. And he talks a lot about the teenage years in this episode, which I am petroval.

fired off. I wasn't until this episode. See, I thought parenting was hard now, but it turns out the older they get, the bigger the problems are. I can't wait. It gets real awkward, real quick when they're teenagers. I know. I can't imagine trying to have a sexual education type conversation with any of my children. But I know it's coming. I don't know. I don't know of Maddie, well, you'd be the decider if he did it the right way or the wrong way. Yeah, you'll have to listen to find out. Let's get into it. Welcome back to, I'm going to say two doting dads and one doting granddad, but you're also a dad, obviously.

He's got it all. Yeah, I'm Maddie J. I'm Ash. And I'm Maddie Axton. Grandfather, Maddie Ackton. Can you give us your old man impression? I can give you my dad voice that I go to and I am Madi Acton. I love the lip quiver as well.

I left a couple of swear words out of that. What do I feel like I need to clean my room? The fuck down now. And this is a podcast all about parents. it is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable. Now, Maddie, we don't give advice. But if you would like to, please.

Go for it. I can tell you what not to do. How about that? Yeah, which is, that's definitely the way we approach this conversation. I thought you're going to say, this is a podcast all about grandparenting. This is actually the very first time. Have we never had a grandparent?

Maybe we have. I'm going to call it first granddad. Yep. Let's just lock it in. We could be here debating on a here. Thank you for being here. Mattie, we always start the conversation. with a simple question.

Yes. Maddie Acton, do you recall the most trouble you got in as a child? Oh, yes. And I had to rat on myself,

which made it the hardest. Oh, do tell. I was at a teenage party. I reckon it would have been about 15 or 16 at the time. Backpack of UDLs, as you do, rolling around town.

Particular flavour or was it the mixed pack? I think they were the great flavoured ones that I went with. More of a pineapple kind of guy. I'm more of a red bear sort of guy. few months. Are they the cheap option? I don't have to point that out.

I remember the Red Bears. You would get a 10 pack for 20 bucks. Yeah. The good old days. Drink them in a tent somewhere in the bush. So we were going between, I think, a mate's house and at a party. And I needed to go to the toilet. So I was relieving myself in a park.

Number one or number two? Number one. Awkward if it was number two. Yeah, I'd have a few more questions if it was number two. I hadn't drunk the whole backpacks worth yet, so that's probably why I hadn't got to that point. And so the police saw me doing what I was doing, and they pull over, of course,

and it's me and my friend to 15-year-olds. They're like, what's in the bag? They're like, nothing, officer. They check the bag, find the booze, get done for public urination. Can they... Did they ask you to put your cock away before or after asking what's in the bag?

I think I just saw the lights come on. I quickly flicked it in. If you were being really clever here, could you have said, you can't search me? Could you have said that? Obviously, when you're a kid, cops could say anything and you'll do it because you're scared. Is that because you're underage,

they're not allowed to search you without a parent there? Yeah, but maybe that's you, not a bag in particular. Unless you were weeing in public, which is a crime? I grew up in central Queensland, so I don't think they give a shit in places like that. Yeah, you know what I'm going to? Yeah. Give us your fucking bag. Or I'll bash you.

There's no witnesses up there, that's for sure. So they're about to put me in the back of the car and take me to the police station and bring my parents and be like, hey, we've got your kids. I thought they'd just do the poor out, no. No, they weren't too happy with me. But then, of course, I had a meathead friend who was with me and he decided that he would step in and come to my aid.

Oh, nice of him. He got a little over-aggressive. He got put in handcuffs. Oh, fuck. And there I am just like, what is going on? He gets thrown in the back of the car and they say to me, right, you go home. They're already taking my details at this point. You go home.

We've got your details. If we don't see you at the police station with one of your parents on Monday, we'll ring them. Oh, God. I don't know whether that's an empty threat from there, but you don't want to find out. Yeah. This was a Saturday night. I spent all of Sunday just contemplated. Do I tell them?

Do I like run the gauntlet here and see what happens? Do I, what do I do? The only silver lining was in all of the commotion, they forgot to take the backpack off me. So I kept my Uri-A-S. Yes. So I still had the booze. So I continued on to the party.

Nice. Well, my mate was... Everyone's like, where's Timmy? Never heard of him. You would not believe what happened. I convinced my sister was 18 at the time because she was a couple of years. older than me so I convinced my sister to come and cover for me and then I just got the

guilt in the end that I was like well I'm gonna be in trouble let's just rip the bandaid off told my mom my mom had to take me to the police station and they're like who are you yeah yeah doing it well they remember they were like oh yeah we have your name down here but I don't think they were going to call because they didn't seem too concerned about it your mates in the background be like help so I get there this is like a Monday a Tuesday. We go in, they go, all right, we're going to separate you. They put me in like a question room, you know, like where they take people who've committed like murders and stuff. They started interrogating them. They take my mum out and I'm like, what is going on? Like, they're going to

come back here. I'm going to be in so dead. My mom walks in, sits down beside me and then the cop goes, all right, tell you mum, what happened. Now, I'd already told her. So I told her everything. So I'm really sorry, blah, blah, blah. I'll never do it again. Did it the next week. already had a six-pack under your bed waiting. Let me tell you something. And they were like, fine, you get a warning, you're free to go. It wasn't until I got in the car. My mum had said that the police officer said,

look, it's good he's come down here. If he's a smart ass when we get into the room, he's going to be in huge trouble. But if he just did, you know, is cool about it, he'll be sweet. So I got off, luckily. What about at home? Did you get any punishment at home? Or they thought that was punishment enough?

No, I think they thought it was punishment enough. Oh, that's nice. So. I love how parents and the cops. They're in cahoots, Matthew. Yeah, yeah. They're working together. I like,

when do we get the call-up from the cops to be like, hey, just so you know, we've got your bat. When does that happen? I'm waiting for it. Yeah. I don't know, but see, the thing I didn't, I think the reason I didn't get in trouble was because I didn't tell the cops.

It was my mom who bought me the UDLs. So, I think, yeah, your mom was like, don't you. So I think I had a little bit of leverage. You had to bend over a barrel. That's actually illegal. Your mum's just sweating as well. Don't wrap me out.

Maddie, do you mind leaving the room while we talk to your mum really quick? That's probably the worst. Yeah, that'd be the worst situation. That's pretty bad. Maddie, I've known you for a little while. Yeah. We spoke many, many years ago when I was on a little show called The Bachelor. And I mean this as a compliment.

You've always had such a fresh, face. Thank you. You've always looked. Yeah, I'm 78. I thought. And I remember finding out that you were a dad. And I was like, but he's very young.

I was like, how does that work? Did you always want to be a young dad? Was that ever on your radar? Did you want to be a father? I'd never really thought about it before. When I, obviously I became a dad very young. I was 18. But it kind of happened quickly because when I met my wife,

She was 22 and I was 18. Where did you meet? In Tawomba, little town, West Queensland. I'd move there. Beautiful town, by the way. Great spot. Very nice. I've never been, but I hear it.

Good rugby school. What are the cops like up there? Well, let me tell you a story. So I moved there. I was fresh out of high school. So it's my first ever radio gig, like full-time radio gig. And I went off in my Ford Laser with my TV and my Duna. Like look at me, I'm a man, I'm taking on the world, ready to roll.

And I moved there. We met, we were only ever just sort of meant to be a bit of fun as you are when you're a bit younger. But she had a three-year-old son already. Pre-fab family. Yeah. So when we met, he was three. And I kind of was just dating his mum, obviously. And we didn't expect it to really go anywhere.

And then next thing, I found myself in love with this girl who had a child. And what did you make of the fact that she already had a child? Were you like, oh, it's a non-event because it's not going to be anything serious? Yeah, at the start, totally. So I'd met her through my flatmate. She was really good friends with a girl who I was flatting with. And we were very from the start very much like, this is, this is just fun. Yeah.

This is not serious. I think she was kind of like, obviously, you're not going to want this. And I was not in the market for that either. Yeah. And then, yeah, we just found ourselves. It just kept on progressing and progressing until I was like, oh, shit, here we are. So, yeah. Can I ask you how long it was before you met your son?

Would it have been probably four months after we dated. It was quite like a little bit of time. But it wasn't until we'd had the conversation, like we said, let's try and make a go of it. You know what I mean? It wasn't until, I guess you have the are we together conversation. Yeah, there's more to this than just casual. Yeah, but even then Esther very much was kind of like separated our relationship and what I guess my relationship with Ethan was at the time because she was never like, oh, you have to be a father figure.

You know, she already had her dad and her brother and a lot of, you know, great men in her life who were feeling that sort of void. Yeah. And so she was never like, you know, if you're with me, you got to remember this is what you've got to be or anything like that. So it kind of my relationship with him. Where was your mindset at? Were you like, yeah, cool. Like, you know, I'll meet the little guy and I'll see what he's like. Or when you met him, do you think, oh, I've got to step up to the plate now?

No, I didn't. I don't know. I kind of, for a long time, just treated him like a friend. Yeah. If that makes sense. Yeah. Like an uncle type? I guess so.

Yeah. Like, he used to always call me mum's friend to people. Like, not like mum's boyfriend or anything like that. He was like, oh, Matt's mom's friend sort of thing. And I remember the first time I met him, like she picked him up from her parents' place because they were babysitting. He gets into the back of the car. And I was like, oh, hey.

And he just kind of looked at me and looked at his mom and goes, who's your friend? Who's this guy? What the hell? So that was my main goal at the start was just to, I think, just befriend him and have, that kind of relationship. Obviously, once you've been together a long time, you do move into the fathering role a bit more. So he never really started calling me dad for quite a few years into our relationship. Being so young, going from, you were trying to just befriend, really, this child. How was your transition from friend to into that fathering? Because, I mean, it's sort of a

really blurred line. And there's no set like, okay, well, now I'm going to be, you know. From Monday. Yeah. Yeah. And it's true. I think Esther and I had a lot of conversations about it because I wanted to also make sure, you know, she had raised him up until this point and she was his mom.

Like how much did she want me to parent? How much did she want me to be involved in the fact of, like, you know, can I call her out on stuff? If I do something that's parenting, is she allowed to say to me, I don't like the way you do that. Yeah. It can get tricky. It would be so many blurred lines.

How did you figure that out? Was it fluid or did you guys have to sit down and talk about it? We did have a lot of conversations about it, but mainly I think Esther was brilliant in it, that she let the reins go and let me kind of figure it out the way I wanted to. I can remember the very first time I think I first sort of stepped in as the dad sort of role. Oh, what happened? And then I freaked out like she was going to get up more. I was like, oh, no, if I crossed the line.

I've just yelled at your kid. So she was putting him into a car seat and he was, you know, cracking a nana as they do. And I remember I was in the driver's seat looking over and he had hit her on the back. Just, you know, like a four-year-old throwing a bit of a tantrum. And I remember like, I just turned around and blew my nana at him. And I was like, you do not hit your mum and you do not hit people. And then it just came out.

And then she kind of looked up And I looked up and I was like I'm sorry Am I in trouble now? Yeah Have I done the right thing? And she didn't say anything And then so we kind of just went on

And then later we talked about it And I was like oh look did I cross the line And she's like absolutely not How did he take that? It's the first time I'd yelled at him So even he was like oh shit Yeah Maybe he's not just my friend

Just an awkward car ride after that Yeah Yeah Anyway should we drive all the way to Sydney Yeah Do you remember the first time that he called you dad? Yeah, because we had had the conversation with him and said,

if that's something that you want to do. Oh, really? Yeah. So it wasn't it? We'd gotten engaged. So we'd been together a long time, like six years. And we actually had the conversation. Esther and I talked about it.

And I said, hey, look, if that's what he would like to do, I'm totally open to that. I said, if he says no, that's totally fine as well. A little bit hurtful. What a hell. Oh, oh, we totally find me that. Fuck that kid. No, no, no. Because it was kind of at the point

explaining our dynamic to people to be like, oh, I've been the only father figure he's ever had. We've been together all this time. Having to just explain, oh, well, we met and we did this, I'm a da-da, which you have to do anyway because of the massive age gap.

But it just seemed easier to have a label on the situation. So we had that conversation and yeah, just sort of started calling me dad. Do you remember how it made you feel? Oh, I was like, oh, like hit me in the field hard, you know. And even now, like Ethan, like I cried everything that all my kids do, but he makes me cry all the time, like with what a great kid he's turned out to be. But it's pretty, and I said this in his speech at his wedding. You know, it's really special.

You're obviously when you help birth a child. well I guess you do the 10 seconds of Help's a loose word I was like I was there How many people women listen to this I better make sure I say it's the right way When you're up to Trish and I was like Get out of the way

Helps arrive Sitting on the couch like oh hang on Do I have to do anything? Oh my back Help conceive I should say Help conceive a child My favorite part You know you're automatically dad I guess

Yeah But if a kid has chosen to call you that, I guess there's a proud feeling in going, you've earned it. Yeah. You know, or that you have enough of their love that that's, I guess, the category they want to put you in. Yeah, I never thought of it from the perspective of you've really got to earn that title. We just get given it.

Yeah. Like, regardless of how good or bad we are as parents. Yeah. So you don't appreciate the weight behind that simple term. It's like when my kids call me by my first name, I'm like, I don't that. I'm fucking aren't that. There has been so much neglect to get called out.

I love it. I love it so much. You mentioned that you moved around a little bit, just with what you do for work as well. How did, I mean, for me, my kid has moved six times in six years, not interstate, but I did notice that on the sixth time, it was sort of becoming the norm for him.

How did the kids deal with that when you were moving a lot? Well, only Ethan's had to deal with it. our younger two have, we've been in Brisbane for nine years now, so they've pretty much established themselves there. But ETHI, we moved every two years, you know, we went Brisbane to Gold Coast, and that was, he was only there for six months because he was living in Brisbane with his mum, and then we moved in together on the Gold Coast, and then we went, Melbourne, we've been to, oh no, Sydney, back to the Gold Coast, then Melbourne, back to Brisbane, like everywhere. And he, the same thing, it was all normal for him.

there was a couple of times when he'd really established himself, especially here in Sydney, had a good group of mates, because he was around that sort of nine, 10 year old, where they start to, I guess, build who they are as a person a bit more,

and a bit more independence. And he said, I can remember it broke my heart when we said, oh, we're going to move back to Queensland. He started crying and he goes, I knew this was going to happen. So that kills you,

you know, but it was easier for him because all of our families in Queensland. So you could kind of, to sell well we're going back to nanny and poppy and grandma and all the cousins and stuff that made it easier then we moved to melbourne when he was about 12 and that was a bit harder because he was starting high school oh yeah that's when i yeah that's when i relocated to it's tough so he started that and then that was you know working through a lot of that was a bit tough once again he established

himself and then we're like we're moving the shoulder um but that was back to Brisbane, which again was that whole family thing that we could use. But we kind of explained it to him in that position. We're in a really weird one because we had, Xander at the time was two. Esther was pregnant with Eden. And he was about to go into grade 10. And if I signed on in Melbourne again for another two or three years, he would have been 18 when that contract finished. So we had to decide if we were going to move back to Queensland where we wanted to be. like long term, we were probably going to be leaving him behind in Melbourne.

Yeah, wow. Because he gets a girlfriend, gets a job. He's an adult. Moves out. That's his life will be there. And so we were like, we want to keep him as close to us

as long as we can. Yeah, you don't want him to be from Melbourne. Yeah. Also, shout out to our Melbourne business. We love a big story as a whole. It's lovely, lovely. So, yeah, so we had to make that. That was sort of the decision on that.

Yeah, that's hard. Yeah. Do you remember how it was? mentioning to him that you're going to have more kids? He was so ecstatic about it. Yeah, he was really excited. So how old was he before, when you, when? He would have been 12 when we fell pregnant with Xander.

Wow, okay. Yeah. So he'd had our full attention for a long time. He was the only grandchild for a long time as well. Yeah. Now there's like 700 of them. But he was, he was so ecstatic. I remember we took him to a scan that we had.

who told him and we were finding out the sex of the baby that day and he just couldn't sit still and I'm like, mate, just sit still. He goes, you don't understand this is the best day of my life. Wow. So yeah, he was really excited. It must be so wild to obviously those moments for me have been just with my wife, but to be able to share that with another family member, I can't imagine it. Yeah, especially a 12 year old boy and it's like for him to be excited, it must have been really special because you could imagine that you're worried it might go the other way. He's like, well, fuck this. It's like, oh, my 11-year-old now would be like, oh, what?

You guys are disgusting. I knew when you locked your door, you were doing something in there. I just knew it. You're not slick, bro. I've heard you speak before about the fact that one of your kids is the non-sleeper. Was Eden the non-sleeper? Oh, yeah. She was, I love her to death, but she was a,

nightmare of a baby. What happened? We don't even know. If I'm going to be honest with you, I don't even think the pediatrician knew. They were just hoping to give us things to try seeing what it would do. They think she had acid reflux and maybe colic, which I think if you read into it,

they like, I feel like everyone was like, which one of the Lola was the non-sleeper. And I feel like everyone's just like, oh, it's just colic. That's just like the go-to. Silent reflux was asked. Yes, right.

And I think, do they just, do you reckon they just say that? to be like, oh, they've got a label. Yeah. They don't want to say we don't know. So they're just like, uh, reflux. No, I remember vividly a nurse turning him on his side to sleep and he just went. Right.

She was like, she was like, goddess lit. See, that's what it is on the side. You're like, I can see you pinching my child. And he went and it was like a silent reflux on the, the esophagus is on a particular side. So if you put him on the other side, usually you'll get some rest. Because obviously we're taught as new dad. your parents in general, the kid goes on their back.

Of course. Yeah, yeah. She put two towels and he slept like an absolute dream. But don't do this at home. You're not allowed to do it at home. No, but I definitely did it at home. But I think as she got older,

we realized it was probably just her personality because she's very specific in the things that she likes. So she's very much, like, has her matching outfits, has her places, things need to go. She has an idea in her mind of how the day should be and if it changes slightly from that,

it can really, like, derail her from time to time. You're describing... Sounds like my wife. I'm sorry, babe, but... Definitely not my wife either. So it was really tough because I was doing breakfast radio, so I was getting up at 3.34 in the morning.

And the only thing sometimes that would calm her down would be standing in the shower with her. And I don't even know how it happened, whether I got up to have a shower for work and I was like, just give it to me, give it to me. But there were times at like 2 o'clock in the morning after my wife hadn't slept to wink,

and I'm like, I've got to get up in two hours anyway. So I may as well just get up. Give me the baby, and I drained that hot water. I just took every last drop of it just to keep her quiet. Or you put her in the bath or like a change of scenery. I don't really know what it was, but yeah. Would she just sleep on you, like in the shower? Or she just has, just content?

Just content? with the water sort of running over her. Kids are weird. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what it's. Such a sensitive way of approaching that thing. Oh, thank you. I stand by it.

They are super weird. So weird. And so different because the two boys were like, give them boob, give them food, they'll sleep. Yeah. That's like me now. Yeah. Same's easy.

But yeah. How was it then with you and Esther? Because I, like, you are describing Lola to a team. Right. And I remember we used to get anxiety as a couple leading up to six, seven o'clock because we're just like, we're going to just go through hell. It was like nighttime was just harder and worse. And when you're working and you're frustrated because you're tired and you just take it out on each other. Yeah, look, we probably said some things we didn't really mean at all sorts of times in the morning.

I don't know, man. It's like you're just in it and you just think it's never going to end, right? Yeah. Yeah, there's no, you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like sometimes you do and you're like, this is such a really nice moment. It can be like this all the time. Of course. But we kind of, we just knew every night was going to be a fight.

You know, you just knew you do everything to plan properly. You think you were going to be fine, but no. So then did you reach out for help when you guys were struggling with the sleep? We went to the doctor a few times. And I remember them when they said it was colic or reflux or whatever. They gave us this medicine that had to be compounded at the chemist. Oh, I don't know. exactly what you're talking about.

You probably had the sale? Yes. Yeah, yeah, right? And it was like, when you say compounded, as in mixed or what?

Yeah, they make it there. So you can't, it's not pre-made. They, you go to a special chemist and they make it for you. Oh, wow.

Yeah. I'm convinced it's just water. I thought so too, right? Yeah. But I don't know if they told you the same thing. The doctor was like, look,

it may work, it may not work. It takes like three months to start working. So if you think it's working and you take them off, it'll take another three months for it to start up again.

So you kind of just got to decide whether you want a risk or not. And I was like, give me 50 fucking leaders now. They're just bathing in it. Yeah, I was like, I don't care. Give it to me. But you're like, I don't know. I love that it might or might not work.

It's like science completely skipped this medication. It didn't test it at all. It might not work. Yeah. It's also a thousand dollars a meal. And keep it refrigerated. Yes. Yeah.

Did it make any difference? Couldn't tell you. Yeah, me either. No idea. It could have, but then again it couldn't. She's still on it now and she's eight. She's not. She's not.

She's not. Yeah, ever with vodka, it's great. So when did you guys come out of those trenches? I think probably around four. When she turns a long time. Look, it gradually got better. But yeah, I think three to four is when it just got more consistent. She's a fabulous sleeper now, touch wood.

Lola put herself to sleep last night She was like, I'm tired Yeah, it's weird She actually went to bed Said I'm asleep Was she, I literally Got pajamas on Was faffing around with a book

And then next thing Looked down And she was asleep And Marley's like Where's my book? And I was like, just the contrast If she, you know I was looking at her asleep

Being like, the pain you put me through That's what we were promised When did she kind of come out The other end? I think it was around And it's all a blur I think the two year Mark.

Right. But yeah, we used to put her in a cot in the hallway. So she was just as far away from all the bedrooms as possible. Yeah, right. Because she would just scream from like sunset to sunrise. It's so exhausting, isn't it? Like, and you said before, it's all a blur because your brain's like, I don't want to remember that.

Oh, yeah. And like we were the same. I think we were like one and a half two when Oscar started to actually sleep. And, you know, he was such a cranky baby. It was like, we, everyone hated each. other for so long. Yeah. And like you mentioned about your daughter now, she's like such a good sleeper and it's like, all of a sudden, okay, you've had your torture. It's time. Yes. How are you now with the new bub? Yeah, great. I mean, I like you, I want to jinx every time I say,

things are great. I'm tempting fate. It feels like, but just unreal. Just worlds apart. And I think it's kind of nicer. Marley was easy. So we were like, oh, why the fuck the parents complain so much. Lola, just the other end of the spectrum that we were like, oh my God, what have we done?

And so we just firmly fixed embrace position for Poppy to arrive. And then, so it's just been, our expectations were so low for what life was going to be like that it's,

it's been a lot. Yeah, we were recorded with the baby like right there and like a whole episode with Laura. Barely. The baby made a couple of coos and like,

and then that was in. Dead set. Isn't it funny though when you're a bit smug as a parent? How that just like, rains down all fury on you. Like, I remember vividly speaking to the law and being like, why do parents complain from them?

You're going to get us cancelled, Matt. Which I now regret. Oh, yeah, I know, yeah. We would do that. My sister-in-law has four kids and she, you know, like at that point when I'd met Esther, I'd been through the baby thing, right? Because Ethan was three.

You know, he had these toddler things. You were killing it. And I was like, easy as. I used to think all the time she'd be real. stressed about sleep times and eat times and nap times. I'd be to Esther and be like, oh my God, your sister is so crazy. What the hell? And then you get a newborn baby and you're like, why?

You're like, teach me, please. Why? We always talk about Ash and I. There's like a parenting hierarchy when you meet a new parent and you compare ages of their child versus your child. And whoever has the older child is obviously the more dominant parent. Of course. Or the more kids.

It's like I'm convinced Matt had a third so he could be the more dominant out of the tour of this. It's working. I actually more masculinity than me. So I was just like, Laura, come here. Yeah, yeah. Quick. So far it's working.

It is working. But you are... Don't you be. You are the alpha in this environment. You are. As granddad. Granddad. When did you become a granddad?

Let's start with that. Just over a year ago. And you were the age of 37. Gotta be a record. Do you know what the youngest grandchild? Youngest grandparent is? Well, it's, uh, I think it's something horrific like 20.

Yeah. We don't condone that. There would be some legalities, I think, in the youngest, but it was funny because it got picked, the story got picked up by a couple of, you know,

news outlets and there was some over in the UK. And, you know, the comments are always like, how is this possible with the maths and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because you look so young. I know, right? Because people use a photo of you with no facial hair.

I'd see. We were just talking about this before you going on. I was like, who's that? I'm sure we're all the same. We grow our facial hair to get some sort of respect, right? Yeah. Talking to two guys with mustache.

That's all I can grow. And so it was funny because in the comments, you'd see the people who are like, his wife's four years older than him. If she was 18, he must have been 14. That's illegal. And then, you know, then you get people who be like, this coughing issue.

She's just like, I know, right? She was saying to me, can you get in there and say something? I'm like, no. No, let it happen as well. I got popcorn. Let the algorithm of it's being, right? And then you get people from the UK who be like, oh, that's completely normal.

My Auntie Bethel and so like, you know. So yeah. Classic Anti-Bethel. Yeah, Auntie Bethel. She was always up to no good. Anti-Bethel behavior. But yeah, so I was, I was 37 and, yeah, it was pretty crazy. Like, even when Ethan, so Ethan called me to say he was proposing to his girlfriend and

they'd only been dating a very short time. They weren't pregnant at the time. But my first thing was. is she pregnant? You've knocked her up, haven't you? And he's like, why would you ask that? We've got a couple of things on the go here. I'm at a food and wine festival,

and I've had two bottles of charades. So that's the first thing. Let me put your face on. Second question is, you've just started dating her, mate. But no, he was, yeah, he'd fallen in love and they wanted to get married. Wow.

Yeah, and then I knew after that, I knew if they moved that quick to get married, I was like, they're definitely going to want to have kids quickly. Because he was 23 when he had his... He would have been 22. 22. Oh, maybe. Hang on.

Can't think of the maths. No, 23, you're right. You know him better than I do. And I think, I came... I became a dad of what, 29 or something? And I was like, oh, that feels young. Yeah. He must have...

I mean, he must know what he wants, which is a good quality to have. Actually, I became another... As you're becoming a granddad, I had a third child. Yeah. Wow. Well, I said to Esther, how crazy. if we went back for a third and you and our daughter-in-law are in the hospital at the same time

with babies. Oh my God. Modern family stuff. You're like, let's do it. Oh, no, I heard of a vasectomy. There's no chance of that happening. Yes, me too. What's it like being a granddad at 37?

It's actually really cool, right? Like, it's funny because it's different, I guess, because, you know, like your grandparents, they've got a little bit more, or your parents, they've got a bit more time because they're kids at home, right? So the difficulties are if Maddie and Ethan want us to babysit, like we're still in the middle of... Just throw me in with the rest of them, it's fine. Yeah, like, you know, kids who do dance and go to school

and have football and parties and all the stuff, you know. And then we take along our grandchild, you know? I can't. So, and then I think, like, what's it going to be like when she goes to school and they have grandparents' day? Yeah, you're getting roped into the double. And you're like... And you're...

Kiffing in. So I'm going to be 42. You'll be helping him down the stairs. At Grandparents Day when I go along. So... What a flex.

I know, right? The only one there with all your hips and knees and jumping. There's so much material in this. It's amazing. We were talking, I'm like,

what's the end goal? How many greats do you want in front of grandfather before you're like, I've achieved? Oh, man, I could go. If they keep it, if all of my grandchildren,

if they keep having them younger and younger. younger like you could be great great great great great grandfather mattie yeah that might be some sort of record that i could crack no surely surely very expensive christmas don't please let me die i can't afford this but yeah it's it's yeah it's crazy and obviously if i'm pushing the pram with her in there people would assume she's my daughter yeah totally have to have you correct your oh i love it oh it's if someone says, oh, your daughter's so cute. I go, this is my granddaughter. And then they go, ha, ha, ha, no, she's my granddaughter. And then you see their mind ticking. And then they're like,

am I allowed to ask? Should I ask? Yeah. How did that happen? I go, yeah, I'm very young. I'm only 38. Anyway, have a great day. And I just walk off. I did the opposite. Remember? I missed grandparented someone else. I was like, oh, so this is your granddaughter. It's like, remember? Oh, I felt horrible. I just moved on with my day real quick. That's like a woman could be nine months pregnant. The baby could be halfway out. And I would still be like, oh, were you pregnant? Oh, yeah.

I did that too. That is, there are two gauntlets. I will not lie. I did that too and apart of, oh, God. No. Yeah, she was like, whoa, you're huge. Oh, shit, I'm so sorry. Yeah, no, you don't run there.

No, yeah. At the moment, the things that we have to worry about as parents, like my eldest Mali is six. and Oscars six at the same time. They're a week apart, Matt. Just to remind you, they're a week apart. I apologize. Who's first?

Me. All right. So it's on you to remind him. Don't you worry. I remind him. I know his whole family's birthdays. He doesn't even know mine. That's a great.

That's a great friend. August 26. Wrong. It's part of the schick. But the things that we have to worry about at the moment are like, you know, teaching, the kids how to read, you know, having like little play dates and I often try and imagine what it's going to be like when my kids are in high school in that next stage of their lives. What is that like? Oh, it's a whole different ballgame.

What do we have to watch out for? Look, it's probably even changed a little bit more since like Ethan was in high school. But I mean, the social media thing is a huge thing, right? Like, that was only just kicking off when he was in high school, like with Facebook and Instagram was a new thing. You know, like, and we, like, we, I know what I was like as a teenager. So I would, we'd check his phone a lot. You know, he got catfished on Facebook by someone, yeah, this very attractive girl was sending him messages. And this is before AI too.

So there's a lot of effort that goes into this one. 100%. And I was like, oh, yeah, classic, you know, chatting, da-da-da. But then as I went through the messages more and more, they were asking him to send explicit picks to her. And I was like, this is full on. And can I just ask, would you check his phone regularly? Correct, yeah.

And we were open with him about that because he had an iPhone and we're like, you know, we're going to give you this to have, but we will check it. Like, and frequently. So the scariest flag in the whole thing was they were asking for the photos of him, but they wanted his face in them. They were very like, make sure your faces in them. We want your face. Your face has got to be in it.

And luckily we caught it in time because then when I sort of looked into it, they use it to blackmail the kid to go like, hey, we have this photo of you. We're not this chick. You know, we're going to send it to all your contacts on Facebook. Unless you do. Yeah, you know, and you've heard stories about it before. It didn't get that far that, like we knew that's where it was going to go.

And had he mentioned to you those messages were there? Or did you... We found them. I found them. Fuck. Imagine if... Yeah. You know, any later.

You're making parenting right now for me seem really easy. So, yeah. That seems like really like, oh man, that... Bigger kids, bigger problems. Yeah. Totally, right? And so we caught that. Luckily, iPhone straight off him, went to Big W

and bought the shittiest Nokia phone you could possibly get that was just texting and calling. And he had to earn back the phone. But it's a hard one to manage because... when we took that away from him, all of his basketball team and stuff, they were all on Messenger. So he missed out on a whole heap of like things to do with his friends and stuff because they don't really text. Yeah. So it's hard to go between. Keep him safe.

We don't want to isolate them. Correct. So we had to manage that. That was probably one of the scariest moments. It's also hard too because it's like he's a teenage boy thinking he's talking to a girl, which is completely normal. And it's exciting. And it's exciting. And then all of a sudden you're being punished for it.

And it's like because you don't understand what you were actually the rabbit hole you were going down because you are still a teenager. And then you've got to navigate that as a parent. Oh man, I'm freaking out already. My kids are 10 years away from that. So that stuff, that stuff is scary to navigate. But, you know, I think my only advice to people and, you know, whether it's right or wrong is just be like so grossly open. Yeah. and honest about things that you can catch it.

If it makes sense. Yeah. And I look back now when I was a teenager and how gross and honest my mum was with me all the time now that I think it's, you know, like she spent half an hour telling me what an orgasm was. And I'm like, fucking Jesus Christ, Mom. I'm 14.

Probably a little too open. Yeah, let me show you. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We'll take it out. No, no, leave that in. That's great. That's good gear. Just out of curiosity, what is an orgasm?

I don't know. I still can't tell you, but they feel good. I'll say this is another one, which was another wild story. It was as Ethan got older, and he had a girl who was his girlfriend. She was real. This one was real. Nice. But that was obviously also starting to take, like some of the messages were starting to take a bit of a sexual turn as they do when they're chatting or whatever.

And I said to Esther, I go, you know, he's 15. We're going to have to have the talk. We'd obviously talked about how it all works before. She goes, in what way? I said, he needs to know how to put on a condom? Yeah. She goes, how are you going to teach him that? I'm glad you asked.

It's like, hold my beer. Sorry. Grab one out. One of the extra large ones, of course. Of course. Grab it out. Come storming, go down the, down the hallway, kick. I don't know, it probably wasn't this dramatic,

but I feel like I kick the door open. It's like, we need a chat. He's on like playing games online. He's like, oh, my dad's here, boys, I'll be a second. Anyway, I say to him, we've seen the messages. We don't think you should obviously, you know, be going, you know, doing that. You're still too young. Rura, rah-rah.

Anyway, let's learn how to put a condom on. Grab his PlayStation remote. Tear it open. Oh, God. He's like, what are you doing? I'm like, you need to know. You need to know. later.

And you rolled it over the replacement. Oh, that's good gear. Did you go back to him? There you go. Yeah. Oh, that's good gear. So he was like half traumatized, half educated. The perfect, the perfect blend of parenting.

All the boys in the game were like, what the fuck it's going on in their house? Meanwhile while they're on Xbox playing Playboy Mansion. Yeah. Yeah. So I probably could have done that in a better way, but I was only. in my 20s. Yeah, you just learned how to put a condo. Exactly.

You're right. You know, so you never really know how to do something. You just, I think it's like a band-a-you're like, I'm just in the corner. You do your best. I think, oh, man, I'm petrified now thinking about it. But then at the same time, I like the idea of approaching it with a bit of humor. Yeah, I think it helps. I think it helped.

And I know, I remember me as a teenage boy and you would have been the same. You would have been the same. Embarrassment is the worst punishment. So I think being able to have a, and that. And that's, that's, my mom was trying to tell me what an orgasm was and I'm like, la, la, like, just don't. But I think if it was made, it made to be out, it would be a bit more fun and funny. Yeah. It would have sunk in a lot more.

I would know what it is. Yeah. You know what I mean? It kind of breaks the ice a little bit. Yeah. And you know what? He'll tell that story down the line too. And it's like, that's an amazing story to have.

Oh, yeah. It's quite girthy though, these controllers. Well, he's used to it. And not very much like. Anyway Moving on My God We love kids' books

What a segue Hey well you know what You gotta take the condom off To make the kids To sell them the books There is There it is stages to this guys You have a kid's book

Yes I believe we're a table of authors Right That would be We're all Ours didn't do that well It doesn't matter We still wrote it

We were published Yeah Do you know what? The library down at my place has heaps of copies of it and they're all out all the time. So that's a good sign. Excellent. When I say heaps, I mean too.

Hey, that's more than one. Every time I tell that story, it adds a number. Is yours out? Yes. Yeah, it's called Bumble the bum stinger. And ours, we kind of did it. The proceeds are all going to the Make a Wish Foundation. So people will buy a book if you guilt them.

We've found. That's guilt away. So, yeah. Why Make a Wish? We did it on our radio show. Like it was all part of the like all the listeners sort of got involved helping us write it. You know, it's the best thing about a radio show on a podcast. You can outsource it to the listeners, which is good.

And we wanted to do sometimes it's really hard. You know, when you do charity stuff, it can be for people. Everyone's going through something, you know, and it can be hard to pick one cause sometimes to be like that's where we put it. You know, we've done a lot of things on our show before where we've helped people individually and stuff. So we wanted to just do something a bit more joyful. Does that make sense? Yeah.

And I just love make a wish, like what they do, not just for the kids who've gone through, you know, really hard time. A lot of the wishes are for the whole family. Because, you know, there's siblings of those kids who've had to deal with a lot of trauma, who've had to, you know, give up a lot of their stuff to help their brother or their sister through that time.

And Abby, who I'm on air with, had a friend of hers who had had a child get a wish granted before. And we just thought, like, that was the perfect, charity to support. So that's why you pick them. Can I ask, I don't want to give away any spoilers, but what does the bum stinger get up to? Stings all of his friends. He's just pretty much a pest. Can't get anyone to like them. And then the three friends hatch a plan to protect themselves from the bum stinger. I know what we're reading at bedtime tonight. The bum stick. My kids are going to love that the word bum is in there. 100%. Well played. That was my contribution to the book.

So the other three characters are Stav, Abby and myself, my co-hosts on the radio show. That's cool. And it rhymes, which was the other thing. And one of the main things we decided on the book was we wanted to make it long enough that you didn't have to read two books. But short enough that you didn't have to skip a page and accidentally skip a page that they really love.

And they go, you missed a page go back to the start of the bog again. Yeah, we went wrong there. We didn't think about that, did we? Because now it's like, Ours is like a bit too long and people are like, how dare you do this to me? It's a marathon, every book read. Yeah.

But this is cool, really colorful. I love it. And where is it available? So booktopia.com.com. com is where you can get that. But it's a different world making a book, as you guys know. They need time to do stuff. Yeah.

You know? But it's also, it's like, here's my analogy. If you're going to be in a play where you've got heaps to say, you don't stress so much over each word because you've got so much of them. But when you're running a kid's book and you've only got a really finite number of words. You agonize over every single one. It's harder, I reckon.

Yeah, definitely. Even when we wrote ours and then we sent it off to the editor to check and they send it back and you go, oh, we're obviously dumb because they change a lot of those words. Matt actually rewrote most of our book off the back of a ghost writer because he had a much better vision, I would say. And he could, and the micromanager in me was like, I need to do. He was like, do you mind if I rewrite this? It's like, I'm not much of a writer.

But you're right, Matt, trying to get your message into only a finite amount of words and keep the engagement of a child is so much harder than trying to, well, as I would imagine, I've never written a play. Maybe we should do that. Oh, God. I just wish my English teacher was alive to see it because I handed in no assignments in Year 12. And I think she would be so proud that I've actually got something written down. Yeah.

My English teachers said I would be a used car salesman and I was. And then I wrote a book. So fuck you. We always end the episode on a hypothetical. But this is a little bit different because you've, as a granddad, experience this. But now that your first son has flown the nest, he's no longer living at home.

And tell me if you've achieved this or not. What is the one thing you want him to remember about the house he grew up in? I think you want them to remember it as some where they could always come back to. Now, I know that is probably the cliche. that everyone gets you, everyone probably gives. No, actually no. Usually they're like, once they go on, get out of it. Right.

Yeah, I thought we would think that too. You know, he moved out. He had the biggest bedroom downstairs and I was like, sweet, I'm getting that real estate. Man Cove. But then after a couple of nights, you're kind of sitting around thinking, where are they and what are they doing, you know?

So I would always want him to remember that it's his house. So he can come back anytime he wants. And he does, he walks through the day. door. He's like, oh, my dad, opens up the fridge, takes something out. And I guess in my situation that he is as equal as all the other kids. That's always been really important to us that, you know, he's never felt like, you know, he's a stepchild or anything like that. And I would hope that he felt like that growing up, that that's how he was treated and that's how I see him anyway, you know, like I never even say, oh, he's my stepson. I always just call him my son. I love that. Yeah,

that would be my main thing. It's great. Maniacted. It's been a point. Pleasure. Thank you, boys. It's been a lot of fun. Thanks so much for spending some time with us and gifting us a book for us to read tonight to our children. Look, I wouldn't even hold it against you if you read it once and then it got re-gifted or thrown in the bin.

You know what's like, I always say to my wife, if there's incoming into the house, there needs to be something outgoing. Yeah, be careful because it'll be you one day. Thanks, dude. Thanks, thank you much, though. Do you know what I kind of wish? Go on. I kind of wish I was a granddad.

Really? Yeah. What, 37? I want to be a young granddad. Like a gilf. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I think so.

I'm with you. No, I just want to be amongst the other granddad's being like, hey, can you do this? It's like, run. Can you walk unassisted? Oh, shame on you guys. The only thing you won't be able to keep up with them is their memory because you have a similar memory. Okay.

Well, if you've enjoyed this episode, leave this a review because let's get out of here. I'm very offended. Otherwise, you can join us on socials. Instagram. Facebook, TikTok, and YouTube. Yep. And if you would like us to interview any mum's dad's... Granddad's. Granddads.

Grandmothers. Give us some suggestions. We've got some great guests lined up for this year, but obviously if there's one that you're itching to hear from, we would love to scratch that for you. The good thing about the word gilf, Matthew, is it works both ways for grandma and granddad. Okay.

Well, let's get out of here. Anyway, the history of GILF. We'll see you later. Two Doting Dance Podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.