Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #EP 202 - On The Path Of Least Resistance

Episode Date: February 3, 2026

School is finally back and the boys have dragged their tired dad-bods to the finish line.Their trick? The path of least resistance... and the guys admit they've been letting their kids get away with whatever gets them through the day. Ash got sucked into buying flowers for Macy while Matt agreed to let Marlie busk on the street - but with the kids now out of their hair, the boys have time to answer some important parenting questions. What is the rule regarding pool toys that are left on the side of the public pool - Matt has some strong opinions after an awkward moment in Noosa. And what is the etiquette when it comes to pulling out of kids' birthday parties, Ash almost had the best excuse of his life before the council stepped in and saved the day. Plus the boys take a look back at their sex education class in highschool and where their knowledge of women went horribly wrong. It's another loose episode that'll keep you laughing all the way to work/drop-off/the coffee shop. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What do we got, Matt? Your lunchbox, bro. Sorry? Your lunchbox. What? I'm so confused. What are we all laughing at? I missed the joke.

Oh, what did you find in your school bag? Sorry, we said school bag. Keywords. With school going back, Matt, I have found something in Oscars school bag. From last year. Is that what we're talking about? Is that what we're all laughing to me about? We had a bit of a plan of attack.

You said lunchboxes really threw me off. I got hungry. We started recording and you're like, what day is it today? I know. Where are we? Hang on, let me start this episode. Welcome back to T-Doting Dads.

I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash, I think. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And they're relatable. And we do not give advice. Never have, never will.

Never going to. Well said. That rolled off a tongue. beautiful. Lunchboxes are all bags. Lunch boxes. It wasn't a lunchbox. It was a school bag.

What I found in Oscar's school bag. School going back next week, I was trying to be organized and prepare. So I've got Oscar school bag out. Good on you for finding the school bag. Fuck knows where mine is. It's on a hook because I gutted the laundry and made into a bit of a wet room and put a hook there for that bag specifically. Very good.

Thank you. So for me. Woo. Anyway, I opened the bag up and there was a permission slip. in there to start a like it was like a soccer course at school like it was like a I don't know like a training like a training camp

at school and I was like oh fuck we missed that oops sorry Oscar but also he didn't get it out of his bag a little bit more rummaging I found a certificate for said course so he has done the course he's done the course without a permission slip has he actually done the course or is he just

he got a certificate that said Oscar for completing I married them up. Did you? Like a good investigator. I married them up. What an emotional roller coaster. I know.

He would have loved that course. Hang on a second. He's finished it. Yeah, it went from like, I was first, I was like, oh, I was preparing to be like, I'm really sorry, buddy, because he would have loved that. But then he found, he is coming from very good stock. Very good soccer stock. Yes.

Ash, for those of you who are unaware, played semi-professional football slash soccer. Semi-amature, more like that. He was in the paper, photos of you. Running like a gazelle. I was in a paper of an article about someone else, but it was my pictures. Of that. Pretty much. And it had like, also Ashwick's plays.

That's pretty much. Hey, I don't, I have no idea where the lunchbox is for Mali and Lola. One thing that I'm a little bit nervous about, I, at the time of recording, I'm yet to get a uniform for Lola. And I'm also, I'm so quiet in the WhatsApp group. I'm so quiet because I'm not in it. And I've been wanting to ask, when does the uniform shop open,

but I'll be too scared. You don't want to be that guy. They're like, we've already got them. And they're like, oh, fuck! What have I missed? So I haven't yet.

It does beg the question, Matthew. Please. What have people found in their kids' backs? Yes. Yes. After the marathon break, that is the Christmas holidays. I can't have it anymore.

Gosh. I mean... It's nearly over. Like, imagine a ham sandwich in there. of after weeks in the heat of the Australian summer. We should get my mum back in because I definitely was a culprit. I would leave anything in my bag, everything in my bag. Like a banana.

Oh, I think when I was in high school, I found something that in there, like food in there that was like weeks old. And before I could let anyone else find, I'd just been the whole bag and just, I just caught the, I lost it because that was less embarrassing. and less like... To be like... Because mum would have sent me to school with a stinky bag

and then I'd be the stinky bag kid and then I would have never recovered from it and I'd be an adult now, reliving the trauma of stinky bag kid. You made the right call. Ash, we have a bit to get through in housekeeping. Actually, firstly, if you are watching this, either on socials or on the YouTube, we are not at my kitchen table.

At the moment... There has been a shift in location. Yes. A geographical shift, one would call it. Well, I... made the mistake of not realizing that we have the babysitter who was working today. She is looking after Poppy. Beryl.

Beryl's name, right? Beryl. I love that name. And I was like, oh yeah, it's going to be a bit of a nightmare for her to have to get, A, be upstairs and be quiet with a newborn four month old for four hours as we faff around and record this or like B, kick her out of the house. And then Laura will, you can't do that. So we're out of studio.

We are at a studio for the meantime until there, I mean, for now, we'll just see how it goes, I guess. I'm a little bit upset that I gave you the purple backdrop. It looks very good at your end. You look great behind the green. You're just saying that. You're just a great dad all around. You're just saying that because you're on the magenta side. Damn it!

Oh, fuck. I got a notification this morning. Oh, fuck. What have you done? And I was like, what? Booking for QT. Canberra. Oh my God.

I forgot. Please fill everyone in. Please fill everyone in. So if you're new here, you wouldn't have heard the story. August, I was in charge of booking a night's accommodation in Canberra as we were making our way down to the snow. For some unknown reason, I booked it for the 27th of January, 2006. We could still make it.

I know. That's right. We had to share a bed. And so you've got the note of Shami. And I should have. Did they charge you? Well, I'm too late. I'm just checking today.

How far away is Canberra from where we're at? We can still make it. We just imagine you that. There's no wives. We guys. Wow, we don't want to waste it. Perfectly. Does anyone?

I wish this was live. Is anyone in Cameron either a night away from there? Yes. Oh, can we do that? I don't know. You have a new message. I think it's about 250 bucks for the night's accommodation at the QT. It's the QT.

That's nice. Yeah. Do we know anyone? camera? I don't think we do. That's gold, though. I've completely forgot about that. I don't think we do. It's funny. Matt, I branched out. Go on. I saw a musical.

I saw the Book of Mormon on the weekend. Not for me. You're the first person I've ever heard to not enjoy the Book of Mormon. Well, the four people in front of me left. Let me just preface this by saying the performances and all that, that's not my gripe. Okay, because they were the effort

and how much goes into that, I respect that. Respect that. Respect the work, the hard work. But it's more a personal preference. Too much music. Too much clapping. What do you mean? You got to clap. I want my movies, movies and my music's separate. Okay? You don't want to blend them together. There's a couple of things I noticed with musicals. And I am sorry if I offend anyone by not liking musicals because we know what the crowds like. I'm not, I'm not a big musical kind of guy. You, but I feel like you've probably seen more than me. I think I've been to two musicals.

Yeah, well, that's one more than me. I thought it was funny was what I've been, I haven't seen it. There was some funny, but it's like they turned a baptism into a sexual vibe because it's his first time baptizing and she's never been baptized. And that's, that's your kind of comedy. I really like that bit. Yeah. There's a lot of hip thrusting in that bit and I'm all about that.

Yeah. But, ah, it was sort of like, musicals, they just sing what's happening. Yep. Okay, and then... You sound like my mom. My mom's always like, why are they singing? They don't have to sing that part. I'm like, it's a musical.

I get that, I understand that, yeah, yeah. But they, like, also they do every, at the end of every song, it's like a... Like, they finish, right? And then everyone claps. And then the music starts again while they shift things around. And I was like, oh, yeah, look, I'm not really into this. Must have been, there must have been like a very clappy crowd. I went to Chicago, not much clapping, until the very end.

Maybe there was like a crowd of people who clap on planes and they all somehow ended up in the theatre. That's it, that's what happened. It was a tour of people who clap on planes. What's on the agenda tonight? We're going to go clap and ruin a musical for someone else. Maybe you got a bad crowd. It was very long, I will say.

How long? It goes for it's like two and a half hours, bro. With a break in the middle. And you know me. A break in the middle? You would have been like, let's leave. April really enjoyed it. And that, you know, that's all that really matters.

She's a dancer. Too much music, for starters. Okay. Too much clapping. Yep. And, you know, because it's written by the South Park guys, right? Which they tend to go, okay, well, something is funny. How do we push that to its absolute limits to its ridiculous?

Here we go. It was the silliest thing I've ever seen. Just full stop. You're a silly guy. I know. Okay. Well, I'm not, I was excited to see it. It just wasn't for me.

I don't know if you've seen Ash. I've been slammed online. Again. Slammed online. By who? Let me, Adam. Well, I was on life on cut recently. So as women.

I'm instantly scared. You're on your own. Remember for himself. I've never met Matt. I owned up to the fact that I didn't know that a pad attaches to the underwear. I thought the pad was skin. I thought it was like a band-aid. You're a very normal man.

Thank you. Can I also? just defend myself for a hot second and say the reason I don't know any of this stuff is because I received no sexual education from my high school. They didn't give us anything, nothing. Yeah, I got kicked out of our sex ed class. So did you, did you know the pad? No. No. So what did you find out? It was a trend. There was a trend going around of men who are all idiots, who we just didn't know. And then it was, it became, we became the laughing song. We were shamed. We were shamed. for not knowing.

I'm being shamed right now. Yeah, that sucks. I mean, it's not your fault. It's not my fault. Have I told you the story about the sex ed class I took? Go on. It was at a Catholic school in which my mom faked that I was Catholic to be in. So great start.

The teacher said, do you know what the best form of safe sex is? And I said, before anyone can say anything, you pull it out. Fucking out. And he went. How old are you the time? 15. Far out. The nerve.

The nerve. Right? And he went red. He was like, get out. It's abstinence. Did you know what you were doing? I don't know much of what my mouth is doing until after it happens. It's just part of it.

Can I ask you a question to put you on the spot? Okay. Can a woman urinate with a tampon inside of her? Yes. How? I don't want to be too crass. Please. Separate hole.

Do you know how I learnt that? How? from the comments of a video about someone who didn't know where the pad went. Not even kidding. I went to the comments like, surely not. And then there was the top one. And it was like, can women, we with a with a tampon in? And I was like, no.

And then I read the rebuttal of those comments and it was yes. Can I defend myself for a second? Yes, we should probably know this information as standard. But no one had taught me when I was younger. And for me, it's non-critical. It is, right. I'm raising a family right now. You were taught like what a rhombus is.

Yeah. Have you ever used that word or thought about a rhombus since? Never. Not what the fuck is that word? A parallelogram. Excuse me? I made it up. It's a thing.

It's a thing. Yeah, I think. People, people, a few people are saying, majority of laughing, a few people said, this is sad. Oh. And I was like, I can't help what I don't know. Exactly. You only know what you know.

And if you don't know. Ignorance. Your Wynarice. Thank you. So we're all learning today. And I learned as well in a similar sphere of what you're learning is that I have learned that my wife puts her period cycle, if you will, in the family calendar. So is it always on the seventh or like what?

No. Because it does, months aren't perfect four weeks or the cycles aren't perfect. My God. I think. I don't know. But yeah, so I found that out. And I don't know what the reason behind it is. It might be a warning to be like, so you know.

Yeah. I don't mean sexual. I just mean mood. Not that she would change her mood at all. What are you trying to say, bro? I'd say she is lovely all the time every day of the month. Very good. Okay.

I think we're just. Let's run. Go on. Quick. Hey. Yes. One thing I've got to ask you. Are you still non-drinking?

What's going on? I am still not drinking at the moment. 51 days today 51 Whoa Another round of applause Please for hash weeks He's got the half century

Yeah Do you want to see a quick What I looked like Before I started And what I looked like Yes Yes I'm not exercising too much

Oh Whoa Pretty tan Wow The tan helps Does help Is that natural You know when you see

Like the before and after You're like That's not them I weigh the same though Go figure Wow Thank you. Like, you look great.

Thank you. April is a lucky lady. I know, I always say that. You look phenomenal, dude. Thank you. God, you used to be a sack of shit, didn't you? I know, it was like a bag of a fucking old bag of potatoes. How did you walk around with me in public?

I hated every second. No wonder you wouldn't go to the beach with me anymore. You're like, oh, oh! The obliques are popping. I know, I'm not even doing any ab workouts. What's happening with the obeliques? How much sex are you guys having? at the moment.

Lots. Thank God the periods and the calendar. Good on you. Thank you. Good on you. I'm proud. I'm actually not struggling with it so much that I had, like previous times I had struggled, but this time not so much.

I am cheering you on from the sidelines. So like yesterday, I went down to the park, just quickly. Didn't need your life story. Okay. Okay. All right. Fair enough. No, that's fair.

I mean, I gave you congratulations. What more do you want from me? Nothing, really. You're at the park. What happened? No, no, don't worry about it. Someone was drinking and I just didn't. feel like it was weird it was a weird situation i was like what do with my hands what did you do

i got some oreos i had to stop it actually considering how many fucking oreos and how much pepsi you drink i pretty much shat an oreo you know when you like looked down you like i didn't eat corn i'm like a oreo just like a packet of oreos yeah we're still in its packet i've just returned from nuisance oh must be nice i haven't been there over a decade was it I think it's been 15 years. Yeah, because it was kind of like, it was known as like the Florida, where it was like everyone would retire there. There's a lot of retirees.

But my uncle, Uncle Jeff, shout out to Uncle Jeff. He's retired just down the road. I remember Hastings Street being longer. I like walked it and I was like, oh, this is it. 15 years, I would dare say that your legs of mine have got a bit longer. I mate, the stride on me has improved considerably. But even at the boardwalk, I remember the boardwalk being clon. It's like 100 meters.

Like why? Erosion? No, it's just because when I was, I was really young. It's like it was. It's like when you're a kid. Like my memory of the big pineapple is this like enormous towering structure of the big pineapple. For those of you who don't know, it's a pineapple farm, which has a big pineapple

out the front and you could like jump in a little like buggy thing and you go around and eat pineapples and fruit. Very good explanation of what that is. And I wanted to go back there, but then I was like, oh, it'll tarnish my memory because the big pineapple is only like eight foot tall yeah it's time you're like you're pretty much eight foot tall yeah exactly it is big but i didn't go back there because i was like big big i feel like they just it's not that big same with a big banana you've been to the big bonata you're in coughs it's that is big well it's not as big as it's like when you're in

it's big it's like when you're in year one you're like fuck these year sixes these are these adults walking around and then you become one and you're like oh am i that big uh but yeah nusa is um do i say that queen's too hot yeah I don't want to say that? It's very hot. It's uncomfortably tropical. It's very hot. My sister had a 40th, so all the family came together. There's a big pool full of kids.

I mean, the kids had a great time. I was living in the pool. There's a family. They'd been there for a little while, like four nights. And so their kids were very comfy. And so the first morning we wake up, and it's like self-contained units. So we're having breakfast, cereal outside, and we're on ground level. And instead of a kid, Winnie, he's just like, hey, gone?

He's four. And I was like, um, that good. And he's just walking around and he's on a scooter Like a local puts a scooter like down He comes in he's like Oh yeah

Looks around Everybody looks in order to me Yeah How long you guys here for And then Poppy makes a noise He goes like What's out there He just walks in

And Laura's like Breastfeeding And he's like Who the fuck is this And I'm like I don't know He works here I think And then eventually his dad's like You see my kidney wear

And I was like yeah He's in there He's breastfeeding With my wife Oh my God But it's lovely No boundaries It's lovely

Kids everywhere And then Marley had this idea to bust. Where did she get that from? She loves to sing, loves Taylor Swift, loves performances. I have promised her a Taylor Swift song on the ukulele next to us. You have, yes. I'm working on it. She doesn't forget.

I'm working on it. But one night, walking down Hastings Street, and Hastings Street, I think it's like a kilometer or two, and it's packed, it's busy. Summer holidays, just people everywhere. And one night there was a girl singing, and Marley was like, what is this singing on the street? What do you call that? And I was like, well, this is what you call busking.

People then perform, sing, play an instrument, trying to get money. And she was like. Tones and I was a busker, wasn't she? Yes. And she was like, yeah, right, busking, busking, you say. And then she was like marinating over the thought of busking. And the next morning she woke up and she's like, I want to busk. And I was like, the audacity.

You can't just busk. Yeah, it's like, what do you mean? And she's like, I'm ready to busk. I'd like to bask today. And I was like, we need to learn some. songs and she's like, okay, I'll learn three songs. And I was like, great. And I was like, to Laura, I was like, do we just allow this to happen? I know, do you like, do you encourage that bravery or are you like, don't do it, it's just going to get hurt. I need to

protect her. Yeah, I would be like, Oscar, don't be an idiot. Get inside. And we did a little post and everybody was like, you've got a bus. Tones and I even wrote and said, let her bus. No. I was like, let her busk. And then I was like, let's just do a practice at home. The three songs, had him down pat. A million dreams was the best song. She loves... What's that from? Greatest Sherman. I haven't seen it. Taylor Swift is another one. Is that a musical?

Yes. And then we performed in front of the family and she was like, I'm feeling a bit nervous. There's just some butterflies. You don't have to do it if you don't want to and she's like, I want to do it. So then we walked out. She made a little sign on a piece of paper. She had a hat. We had some money to give to her because I was like, imagine if she

doesn't make anyone. You've got to kick it off too. feel like, it's like with any bus car, you've got, if you put an empty hat down, people are like, well, she mustn't be any good. Right? She's a child. Yeah. So we put in a couple. There was like some Indonesian money and like Laura's wallet as well.

Put that in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we find this corner and she's like, I don't want to do it. And I was like, totally fine. Don't have to do it. Too late.

And Laura was like, but you can do it if you want it. And she's like, okay, I think I'll start. And I was like, oh, my God. I'm nervous. My heart was pumping. And so she just then sets a hat up and a sign. And I stood back. Laura's there next to me.

And we had some of the family with us. So she wasn't just, you know, singing to people walking. They're like, see out in a couple hours. And she starts singing. And I was like, holy shit. I can't believe the confidence this girl has. Like, I would never now. I would never.

I'm nervous now for you just telling this story. I can't. I start singing and people walk past. And I kind of said to her, like, people make. ignore you. It's just, I just manage your expectations. Yeah. But then, people start giving her some money. Nice. And let me just give you a little taste of what the song was. This is a million dreams sung by Marley May. Okay.

Close my eyes and I can see a world that's waiting up for me that I call my home. Very good. Apparently she's in key. That's good. That's good gear. Don't interrupt. Oh, she's still going. before and it feels like home. Can't talk now? No. They can say, they say it all sounds crazy. Oh, I like this bit.

No else. I do know this song. They can say, they can say I lost my mind. I don't care, I don't care if they call us crazy. We can live in the world that we design. Because every night I lie in bed The brightest colours fill my head A million dreams are keeping me awake

I think of what the world could be A vision of the one I see What's going to for the world we're going to make There you go Blown away Blown away Do you know what it's giving for me? giving, what's her name who did the opening ceremony?

Nikki Webster. It's given Nikki Webb. She's very good. Thank you. Someone was like, because I put that on stories and somebody was like, oh, she's in key or on tone. I can't remember. I can't know.

It helps that she's got a little child's voice that she's probably always in key, like that high. She gets the high ones. She does. She did well. After four songs, I was like, you better stop this. She's making it. What?

People were dropping in 20s. No one's ever paid me 20 bucks for anything. One guy dropped in like 50 bucks. Shut up. I was like, oh God. Who's just walking around with 50 bucks? Noosa. Old people.

Oh, they love cash. If you want to bus, go to Hastings Street. They're as old as that cash. Although we didn't have a permit. Oh, yeah. Don't tell them where. But yeah, she made a good amount of coin. It's about time these kids start paying their way.

And so I was like, okay, we better stop now. And she was like, stop what the fuck for? Look at this. That's full. Repeat. She's repeat all four songs. She was like, I want to keep going, and I was like, oh. That's amazing.

So, yeah. Wow. And I've created a monster. Day two, she's like, so I'm going to busk again today. And I was like, oh, you. A, I can't be asked to go out there. I'm like, go through the whole. Quick way your head, man.

But, but yeah, she's very excited to busk next. Where's, where's the next location? Circular key. That's a classic. I think you, I think it's, you have to like, it's hard for buskers. Well, she's a child, so she probably gets away with it. get away with everything. Yeah.

I don't see any issues, foreseeable issues, but don't quote me on that. So, yeah, I want to buy, I'm going to buy her a microphone. Yeah. Oh, oh. Oh, God. Stop me. Stop me now. I will advise against that.

And here's the reason why. Because as beautiful as that is, having a microphone in the house opens it up to anyone grabbing that microphone, aka lower. How dare you? And you know what kids are like when they find something that makes them sound louder? She might be a beautiful singer as well. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that she's not.

I'm saying it'll be like, Daddy! Or something like that just to hear the sound of their own loud voice. Hence what, remember when my mother-in-law gave us that karaoke machine, never made it home? Some say it's still where she left it. I had to like... On the ground. Because everybody was just showering Mali and praise. And I was like, I've got to give law some attention.

I thought you're going to say, I had to cut it down a couple of pegs and be like, look, wasn't that great? A couple of bung notes in there. But no, Noosa was great. Project. It's a great holiday destination. I will advocate for Nusa. And there's a lot of ice creameries. I think it's got to have like the highest number of ice creameries per capita per like 100 metres and anywhere in the world.

Well, a lot of old people, a lot of them have teeth or their original teeth. And a lot of kids also not much teeth. Yeah. So I would say majority of meals are in cream form. Yeah. If you want ice cream and lots of it, multiple flavors, Hastings Street. Yes. What about gelato?

No. Well, no, there is gelato. They're not all. They've got it all. Can I get the roast beef? Every second store is an ice creamery. And so we finished dinner at the RSL one night. And we thought, we'll go for a nice walk down Hastings Street and we'll get an ice cream.

Lovely. Also, we'll just say that there's an hour different. So 6 o'clock in Nusa is actually 7 o'clock, Sydney time. Yeah, yeah, they're out behind. Which you kind of forget. But then all of a sudden, you know, we're getting this ice cream and I'm like, oh, it's now 7 o'clock. It's like 8 o'clock for the kids. I haven't really acclimatized.

But we thought we're in Nusa, hustle and bustle. We'll go for a walk down Hastings Street with an ice cream in hand. What a beautiful moment. Yeah, it's still be light. Very quickly. Puppie starts losing it. She's transitioning to the bottle, doesn't want Laura's tit anymore. So Laura can't feed the baby.

Laura's holding Poppy. Lola wants to go on the pram. You can't go on the pram because it's for Poppy. And there's this, Lola starts to lose it a little bit. And very quickly, as we step further and further down Hastings Street, the kids are just getting more and more worked up. Happened so quickly. Happens so quick.

The blink of an eye. The blink of an eye. One second, we're all there laughing, smiling, cheering on buskers. on Hastings Street. The next thing, chaos. I've started to do it back to them. I'll be like, happy, happy, and then I'm like, be quiet and just change the mood. And then I'm like, and then we're happy again.

Just keep them guessing. On the toes? Yeah, keep it all the way. You know, they can be all happy and whatever. And then the slightest thing happened. Like we were around a pool, right? And Oscar wasn't swimming at the time. But he had like just shorts on.

It got a little bit wet meltdown. It's like, bro, you just got out of a body of water. What's a drop going to do? Anyway, carry on. We were just outside this restaurant, which was massive, and it was packed, people dining on the street, on the footpath. And as we're there, and Laura's wrangling a four-month-old, who's absolutely hysterical.

Marley's run off because she's upset about something. I think ice cream dripped on her top. And Laura's like, don't run away from me. And then Lola's there going, I want to be in the pram. And you can't go on the fucking pram because you're almost five. You're not a toddler. and she's like, I hate this family. And I was like, shut up!

All on the street. People are having their, like, the Maranara going. You said to get in ice cream form. There's nothing but ice cream in Noosa. And they're like, is that Laura from Life Uncoy? So I'm rambling with Lola. And when me and Lola are in a tiff, you know, the gloves are out. And Lola looks at me straight in the eye and goes,

I wish I was adopted in front of all these people. dining. What did you say? Same. Under my breath, I was like, you are a doctor. Okay now. How quickly your whole family can turn into a bunch of savages?

And then I went to Laura and I was like, I told you we shouldn't have gone for a walk. You turned on each other? I didn't want to go for the walk. Yeah, you fucking did. Oh my God. You wanted this. This is on you.

It's always like the next step. just turn on your partner. Just off the back of that, I don't know if you're the same as me. But I secretly, if April makes plans, I secretly want them to fail. Is that toxic? So toxic. I'm like, if it's like, we're going to go do this, I'm like, okay. And then we go and do it and it goes wrong.

And I'm like, told you? That was a good idea. Secretly like, please go wrong. Please go wrong. I was so on board with the walk. When it was going completely ass up, I was like, you happy now, Laura? I told you we shouldn't have done this. Is this what you wanted?

Is this what you wanted? We could have been at home right now. The kid's in bed. But look where we are. I don't even know where Mali is. Avery's got a good knack of like, if we'd go to the beach, you'll complain about something immediately. And I take it personally because I've dragged us to that specific beach

based off the wind or whatever. I've just got to the point where I'm like, you decide hoping it's an absolute. Please be tsunami. Hoping it's a train. and I can be like, see, you need me more than you think. But anyway, that's my toxic trait. But I love that you went with, it snowballed into you two just in an argument over who's fault it is. And are you happy now?

Of course I'm not happy. Yeah, you can't put a price on having meltdowns. Oh, very good. Matt, I've got something for you really quick, just really quickly. Have you ever, you go to the shops with, say, one kid, because it's much easier with one. and kids love to pick things up in the shops, which most of the time I might put it down. I spend the whole time to say, put it down, stop it, put it and put it down.

I went to the shops with Macy and she picked up, it was in Kama, and she picked up a little bunch of fake flowers. And it was just me and her, and I thought, whatever, she can hold onto those. No one's going to get hurt in there. And do you often find yourself, if you're in that situation, it's easier. They've grown an attachment to whatever it is they have, right? Oh, yes. And you just think it's just easier to buy it if it's something small.

It's not like, walking around with a Mercedes and she's like, Oh, but please, Dave, it's a path of least resistance. You're like, whatever, five bucks or a little bunch of flowers or a toy, whatever. Yeah. And like, I know that as of tomorrow, she'll never think of these things ever again. Exactly right. So I needed to get a few things for the house. we're sort of perusing Kmart as you do

because there's always so much to look at because you also feel like the richest person on earth he's like, I could afford that. I could buy that. I could buy that. What? Thousand piece of puzzle, $5.

All right. I could buy two of them. But then no more because they'll be poll. And I, you know, we were walking around and I just was like, I'm not even going to say anything. I'm just going to say, hey, scan them. Yeah. Right?

$14. Jesus. And at that point. In Kmart, that's, that's, got to be top-shed. Do you know what you can get for $14 a K-Mart? A bike. Yeah. I could get pretty much anything I could get home gym pretty much. Bro, I could get an ice machine for that. I could get an ice cream machine. I could get an air friar. This is not sponsored, by the way. No, it's not. But I was like, 14. Can I, do you have a photo of the flowers?

I will show you in a moment. Yeah, sorry. So I'm in a debate with myself there where I'm like, now do I pick the argument? Because I thought, two bucks. You know, you can't, at the till. I was like I was buying a whole hedge. They'll last a lifetime. That's true. So what did you do? Well, what do you think I did? I bought them.

Yeah, good. Good. As you should. How do you say no to that? Oh my gosh. They match her outfit. I know. I was looking and I'm like, 14 bucks.

Come on. This is ridiculous. And I was nearly going to bargain with her to be like, hey, what are instead of those flowers? What about a kindergarten surprise or something? But I was like, oh, God, no. Where are the flowers now? They're in a vase.

Where's the vase from? It's a drink bottle. Okay. I spend $14 on the flowers. I'm not buying a vase as well. She wanted one. Bit rich. Bit rich coming from you.

Where's your money? Pay up. But it begs a question as well. Put it out there busking. Have you taken the part of leash resistance with anything notable? Can anything come to mind where it's like, it's just easier to buy it and they're not realizing how expensive it is. Kids like beef jerky.

Do they? Yeah, I was getting petrol. They want beef jerky. Wow. I got a beef chicken. Just straight up protein. Apparently it's bad for kids. I don't know.

I don't know. It could choke, I guess. I love it. Really? Salty. When I was a kid and we were grocery shopping with my mom, I remember I came across a hula hoop. So me and my sister, two of us, we had hula hoops. And we're like, oh, mom, can we get the hula hoop?

It was a similar situation from what I recall is that we just, the path of least resistant, just like these kids have these, what thought were like a dog. a crappy plastic little hole hoop thing. How long they last? Can't remember how, oh, they didn't last because they didn't make it home. Because we went to scan it and it was like 15 bucks a hoop. And we're talking early to, oh, mid-90s. I bought four hoops the other week.

How much? Five bucks each. See, we're going to the wrong hoop shop. But they were shit quality. Yeah, okay. They kinked. But I remember the look. Once they kink, they never come back.

I remember that. And my mom is very much pre, obviously, previous generation where it's like pretty black and white. So either I was getting it or I, or I wasn't. And most of the time I wasn't getting it. But it was like, I remember the look on my mom's face and it was like, nope, like no remorse. Like she was taking something that I had grown fond of.

15 bucks. Yeah. So in this instance, I thought, yeah. What could have been? Ash with the hula hoop. I could have been a hula hoop and champion. I know. And do you know what?

Mum, I still can't hula hoop. but I'm in my 30s, late 30s now. Thank you. Anyway. How do you say no to that? And look, Mae, she's quite, you know what she's like? She's very quiet. She's very reserved.

She's quite easy to, it would have been easy for me to be like, no, come on, you know, and like, she's a bit of a pushover. I'm going to be honest. But she is a pushover, and Oscar has started to take advantage of that too. What do you mean? I've found myself in a situation where Oscar, my eldest, is throwing his younger sister under the bus for everything. A couple of examples.

Around the corner from my place, there's still some land with horses on it. Random, I know. Bit of a, like, they're obviously sitting on it to make money off developers. Some 90-year-old is there. But the horses are there and there's a little sign that says, if you're going to feed the horse, carrots and apples only. Fair enough. Because it could easily be like, don't feed the horses.

No capsicums. No capsicums. But someone's obviously at one point giving it chocolate cake and shit itself. Something like that. Was it you? Someone at some point was obviously drunk walking home from the RSL. It is right next order of McDonald's. And gave it a big Macon.

It loved a fucking McMagherty right now. They're depriving that horse. Give it what it was. It was this beef? Anyway, so one family day, whatever, it was a weekend. What should we do? We'll ride our bikes down and we'll go and feed the horse. I've got a bag of carrots here.

Okay? Bag of carrots. Let's get down there. Get down there. Pull up. There's a horse. I'm feeding the horse and the kids are like, whoa, walk, you know.

Is they're a fucking big animal? They're a big animal. They're like, whoa, this is so cool. I was like, do you want to feed him? And I was, yeah, Macy wants to feed him. You go Mace. And he was like, it was like. Sacrificial lamb.

She was like, what? Was he like, please you don't, please you don't. It was like, yeah, yeah, Macy will do it. Like, just straight up. Anyway, then that's, so that's one instant. Because they can never, you got to get to get the flat hand. The thumbs always creep in with kids. And you're like, what?

Flat-hand, flat-hand, and the horse will take a thumb off easy, those chompers. She explains me flat-hand? I was lolliping up. Flat-hand. Oh. Flat-hand. Is that where the old feed the pony comes from? Yeah.

Oh. Because I'm like, Macy, hold it up. She doesn't have a hand anymore. It's not an ice cream. I treated it like an ice cream. Anyway. People drive him by, I mean, like, oh, my God, that kid's going to lose an arm. Oh, yeah.

Okay, flat hand next time. Oh. Just a little tip to any parents out there feeding wild horses Yeah, so he's doing it in that instance where he's not brave enough So he's just like, Macy, I'll do it It's throwing her under the bus there But then also when they're getting in trouble, which is a classic for kids to do

So I'll paint the picture for you I go in to give him a kiss, good night Oscar is on the top bunk And he did have a texter Right, just like a tech He was finishing coloring something in And I thought to myself, he's fine Never really thought much of it

and then gave her kiss, good night, gave Macy a kiss, good night, went to bed. The next day, they come in in the morning and they both got texture on them, the same color that they had. And I was like, ah, you silly buggers. Like it was, you know, really easy to wash off of skin. And then a couple of hours had gone past and I hear Ape will go, Macy. And I was like, oh, fuck, someone's in trouble. So we all hid, as we do, because Ape was crazy. She's a lunatic.

She is out of control. She's not really. I just winked it, Matt. I was like, oh, fuck, someone's in trouble. So, oh, we all went to investigate. She's on a period as well. I looked at the calendar. I'm joking.

That was a joke. I did look at the calendar and I was like, we're on here, guys. I was like, okay, here we go. Someone's in trouble. And it's Macy. And me and Oscar were like, yeah, I was getting in trouble. She had drawn all over her bed.

On the sheets. Yeah. She was like, who had the texter? And Oscar just goes, Macy. Macy only. And I looked at Oscar and I was like, bro, you have texter all over your hands. You have literally just been caught red-handed.

Okay. So he just threw her under the bass like, she had it. I never had it whatsoever. And I'm like, bro, it is all over your hands. You are holding a texter right now. Yeah.

And then I also, you know how I've been having a crack about how he weighs like 18 kilos, but stomps around my house like he's a baby elephant? And I get the shits with it. And I spoke to downstairs about it. And I was like, Hey, just so you know, I'm trying to coach him out of it. He weighs nothing.

I don't know why he's so heavy-footed. And then we were downstairs. Is he, though? I've seen him walk. He's fine. Bro, bro. He's like, bo-p-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bbbbbbbbb up the hallway.

Anyway, we ran into downstairs, and I'd already spoken to him. So he was clued on to what was going on. And he was like, all right, so which one of you kids is stomping in Oscar? Macy. He's gone, yeah, it's bloody Macy. You know? And, like, Again, you've thrown her under the bus.

Not cool. That's what siblings do. I know, but I'm like, come on, bro. Like, man up. Own up to it. You know? Like, what do you? And feel the wrath of April?

I don't think so. Actually, yeah, no, now I'm thinking about it. Don't do it, son. Whatever it takes. But, like, he weighs nothing. Like, we went to the pool the other day and he goes, oh, Dad, I'm going to do a belly flop. And I was like, you've probably got to have a belly to do that, bro.

What is it going to be a rib flop? Because you literally are just dick and ribs. He's just like, whack. Did he sink or was he just floating? He's like a lily pad. No, he did sink. He's actually very good at belly flops. If he ever grows a belly, it's going to be outstanding.

Anyway, so Oscar is in the phase of throwing Macy under the bars for absolutely everything. Because he's scared. I'm going to put it down. Matt, I think we deprived people of it last week. Let's go to some listening questions. because as parents out there have just spent six or so weeks with their kids, and they've got questions that need to be answered. Look, we're not educated to answer the, but we'll give a go.

We'll give it a go. This is actually a question. I don't we just, we just set it up to be like, give me this to the listener. I have a question. Okay. So I'm taking you back on the listener. Yeah. That was it.

My question is, this could be controversial. I would love to hear your take on it as someone who is impartial to the holiday that I was just on. Yeah, and you know, you've come to the right. person. Thank you. Well, I think. When you were at a hotel with a big pool and there's lots of kids playing, if you are a family that has brought toys to the pool and those toys are sitting poolside unattended, you with me? I am. Is it just expected that other children will play with those toys? Those toys have to inadvertently become communal. I think they do become communal. Thank you.

Because kids have a mind of their own. And they don't understand. They see toy, a tunnel vision, if you will. They have no sense of ownership. They just see the toy that they want to play with. Where the etiquette comes in is what the parent of the kid who is using the toy that's not theirs, how they are about it. If they're like, hey, if it's okay to play,

then we'll make sure that we hand it back after. Boom, fine. Make sure you look after the toy, of course. If the child wants the toy back, that is theirs to begin with, you have to like kind of wrap it up. Yeah, I think the parents that own it also need to have a responsibility to be like, look, it is your toy, yes, but you do ask for things back. You don't take it. Yes. Yes.

So there were some pool noodles by the pool. Classic pool toy. Like an absolute classic of a pool toy. So many uses for that pool noodle. How long have poo noodles been around for, Ash? I'd love to know. When were they invented? Who invented the pool noodle?

Who invented the pool noodle? That's another episode. We should bring out a line of pool noodles. Yes. Two doting noodles. The design is not changed in decades, but a bunch of pool noodles sitting there by the pool. And Lola, who's not a great swimmer, she's like, oh, a bit of swimming apparatus that I can have to assist me with my stroke. So she grabs it, but there is a mother next to the pool noodle.

I want to say two meters away from the pool noodle. And I was like, I could have just let her take it. but I was like, oh, excuse me. And she was like, yes? And I said, do you mind if we just, if she plays the pool noodle? There's also four there. And she was like, what? And at this stage, Lola's already got the pool noodle.

And I was kind of like, you know, and if your child wants it back, we'll give it back. But can she just have a little, a quick little play with it? And she was like, oh, okay. Well, the bosses are going to be happy about this one. And I was like, what do you fucking mean? like give up the pool noodle you can't be hoarding the pool noodles pool side with no one playing with them

like that's fair guy if you don't want to put them next to your day bed don't leave them pool side don't put them in the vision of children if you don't want to share them first of all who's the child in your house there he is but second of all if you don't want to and you're very like

okay well I don't know what the instance might be that it's like it's not on you're right You say to your kids, hey, when you're done, you bring them back and we put them with our staff, not leave them poolside when there's four-year-olds running around who don't quite understand. And then you even, you even politely asked that you've gone way above. Over and above. You could have easily bit ignorant as bliss again.

Yeah. And let it happen. Turn a blind eye. And then be like, and wait for the pool noodle from. And wait for the parent to be like, they're the parent. So what would have she have done if you didn't ask? You want the pull noodle back? Yeah,

fucking good luck. Get it off my child. Yeah, but that's what I mean. Like, what is she willing to do for that pull noodle? Yeah. I could have just,

yeah, should have just let Lola take it. She can handle herself, well. Yeah, yeah. She's, like, yeah.

Yeah. What do you mean? You call this a fucking noodle? But then, she's playing with it, and the lady's just watching me. I'm like, this is so awkward.

I'm just being watched. I'm like, I'm playing with Lola and the noodle and she's, down. I'm like, huh. That's so weird. I'll give it back in a second. Like, you're doing it wrong? Maybe she's a noodle enthusiast. There was another family there who had

like multiple toys. He had like a boogie board. They had those little toys that they dropped down to the bottom of the pool. I love those. They would just throw them in the pool there and be like, oh, we'll pick them up this afternoon. Yeah. They had a day where they left. Pool toys everywhere. Bro, we were in Bali with like other families and there were other families obviously staying as well. It just became a big communal toy gathering.

Love that. It's a beautiful thing. I feel like, unless there are items that the child cherishes like Oscar and Elmo. Family heirloom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're going on holiday, you don't take the good shit with you on holidays. It's like going camping at a festival. You leave the fucking tent.

You know what I mean? Same thing. You get there. You got a bucket and spade at a resort on the beach or whatever. And other kids are playing with it and all distracted. And you get to have a drink with potentially, maybe some new best friends. Yes. I don't see a problem with it.

Just know that you're contributing to other people. having an amazing holiday. You should have torn that noodle up in front of her. I did. Thank goodness. Someone needs to stand up to these noodle people. That should be on the hotel pool rules. If you bring toys, expect to share them.

There you go. You heard of here first. Fair enough. What else we got? This one's actually from a listener. Okay. Thank God. I was worried. Can the listener have a question?

No, no. Yes. I don't know. Maybe next episode. I don't know. Really? No. Feeling the noodles and stuff like that.

Okay, so this is a question from a listener. What is the etiquette of when it comes to pulling out of kids' birthday parties? Ooh, I've got Lola's birthday party coming up and I'm so nervous. I haven't yet locked in details. Relax. Actually, happy birthday to Lola because this episode will come out and it will be her birthday. I think we will do it the week after her birthday. So then she has, it could be like a get-together for the school friends.

Cool. But I think, gosh, like, it'll break my little harp, a little lollo if they don't turn up. Because I remember last party that she had, it rained in the morning and she was like, is anyone going to come? Yes. And I was like, well, the rain was my way out of it, but then it cleared up. But on the one hand, I also think like, when you got a kid, very temperamental, you know, it's easy to use them as an excuse if you just can't be asked as a parent.

I use them to get out of things all the time. everything. But I think if you've committed... Before you give an answer, let me give a couple of different scenarios. Say you're pulling out before the day of. Yep. What's the etiquette there? Has to be a valid excuse.

A child has to be in a life-threatening situation. Days before. Day, days before. Yes, I stand by that. You're going real hard. What about day off? They've got to be dead. If there's a heartbeat, you are going.

Yeah, there's a death in the family. Doesn't matter. Is the child attending the party dead? No. Wheel them out. There's got to be a good excuse. If you're just being a bit like you can't be asked as a parent. Because Beth, there's a hard work for the parents, let's be honest.

Yeah. If you're kids contagious, that's valid. Gastro, boom. That's fine. That's fine. Gastro is in, that's like the joker card of excuses. I nearly got the perfect out to a party the other day. So close.

What was it? It was weather. but where the end of our street floods, and it flooded. And I was like, I've got to go get proof that I can't come to this party. I can't even get out of my street. I'm trapped. This is beautiful. This is perfect.

It's worked out perfectly because I didn't want to go in the first place. Because I knew where it was. It was a very noisy place. What was it? The RISL. No, but the playground is indoors. The echo, they've got no sound barrier. You're very sensory.

I'm very sensory. I suggested bowling once with the kids with Ash. And it was like, I suggested throwing them into live, It's like volcano every time. And I was like, this is the perfect out to this. But? But the fucking council turned up, didn't they? And they released the drain.

We was gone to three minutes. Did you say four-year-old birthday party? Release the drains. Send you in the SES. It was like when Moses parted the sea. That's what it was. Was it Moses? I don't know.

I'm not religious. I just saw the book of Mormon. Okay. I've seen enough fucking religion for one week. And it was all of a sudden It was like the sun came out And I had to go to this party Darn it!

Sober! But think about, think about You've just made that child's birthday. I mean, just know, if you're a parent... Didn't even see the child. Okay. It was in the playground the whole time. And they did the cake when I went to the bathroom.

I got nothing out of that. You got nothing, yeah. Your cup was not filled. Yeah, all I got was a bunch of people questioning why I don't have a drink in my hand. Yeah, that was, oh, fuck. But think about the children. Next time you're considering canceling a birthday party, think of that poor child.

Yes. And also the effort that the parents have gone into. The wasted, the wasted goodie bags. Yeah. Shame on you. The way I see it is if I'm throwing the party and someone cancels, I just think more cake for me. You do like cake. More cake, more party bags for me.

Less children. Hey, Ash, we were going to do parents. I know. We did a call out. I did ramble. As we often do, we went a little bit over time. So we aren't going to do pair rats. If you have submitted them, they're great.

They're fantastic. There is no critiquing of the quality of the pair rants. They are great. Well, I've got some words to say about that. They're going to be in the next week's episode. Oh, good. Yeah, I'm looking for it. It's a good time to get things off your chest.

I felt like I had missed it. Yeah. And now it's back. Now it's back. And I feel much better. And we have lots to get through. Next episodes who just know that they are not being ignored. We would never do that to you.

But if you have enjoyed this episode, you, of course, can. leave a review, leave a star rating, five stars. Also, I really like the comments on Spotify. Big fan of the comments on Spotify. I do like that. I love it. Easy access.

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and we'll get out of here. See you later. Bye. Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.