Two Hot Takes - 104: Why's it so Hard Being Normal?

Episode Date: March 2, 2023

Two Hot Takes host, Morgan, is joined by guest co-host Grayson! This episode features stories that have us wondering is it really so hard to just be normal?! From getting bit by a monkey to thinking you're a pilot because you play flight video games.. these people make it look so challenging. Justin's New Show!!! https://anchor.fm/crackingthecopyright https://www.youtube.com/@crackingthecopyright Patreon for bonus content:  https://www.patreon.com/TwoHotTakes Our SubReddit to Submit YOUR Stories!!! https://reddit.app.link/twohottakes Full length Video episodes available on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/TwoHotTakes Partners: Babbel: www.Babbel.com/THT for up to 55% off! 

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Okay. I don't want these, but it's fine. I can't give, see, I have to do the blanket. I was about to say, if you're going barefoot on the internet, no, I have to do the blanket so I don't give free feet pics. I can't wait for the subreddit to start. Yeah, I was about to say, if you started doing that, there'd be a whole subreddit dedicated to Do All It Takes Feet.

Lauren's given some feet action for free. Really? Yeah, especially on her Instagram. She get, yeah. She has sold some feet pics. Actually? Yeah, she makes good money. After the podcast started?

Yeah, I think someone paid her recently like $100 for one feet pic. Like somebody DM'd her like, hey, saw you on the podcast, would love your feet pics. And they wanted like really dirty socks one time too. Not even feet. That's awesome. I'm very pro at that. I'm very pro because it's like, your thought is like, what if that got out? How would people react?

But then Lauren's just there, she's getting her bag. You gotta secure the bag. You gotta secure the bag. I'm very proud of her for that. I know. It's very interesting, which kind of fits with today's theme of like, I'm throwing the weirdest, like some of the weirdest stories I've found at you. Okay, great.

And so it's gonna be kind of this theme of like, is it so hard to just be normal? I like that theme. Yeah. It's a nice theme. It is a good theme. It's definitely solid. There are some folders going lately. So I think it'll be a good one.

But why don't you introduce yourself? Tell the people who they're seeing and listening to. Hey guys, it's my name is Grayson. What am I describing myself as? What's your horoscope? My horoscope. I am a Virgo Libra cusp, I guess, September 22nd. Do with that.

Well, you will. Okay. Nice. I have no idea what that means for me. I have no idea what any of it means. So, Grayson sent me like my star moon sign analyzed and it was really mean. Like I actually like hated it. I fucking hated co-star.

I did co-star for a little bit, but then it was like, it gave you like those little morning things and I was like reading them every day and then it was dictating my day and I was like, I don't know why I was in a weird mental state and I was like, this is gonna give me direction in life. It did not. Fuck co-star. No, unless they want to, they could be a sponsor. You know what?

I'm a big pro co-star. I'm a big pro co-star actually. You're just pro get the bag. I'm pro anything. Oh my God. I love this. This is my friend Grayson, you guys. Grayson is from Los Angeles, but lives in New York now.

So he definitely sees some things, like especially living in New York. I would say that. Yeah. I feel like if anyone is going to be the judge of like, is it normal or is it weird? It's going to be you. I'm here for it. I like this topic. It's going to be fun.

Okay. Dig into it. Okay. Let's dive in. Okay. Have you ever taken a trip to Thailand or anywhere with monkeys? No. I've never been to Asia.

Never met a monkey. Okay. I think I would like them. Okay. So this is coming from the subreddit, ask docs. It's titled, girlfriend, 25 female bit by a monkey, now experiencing symptoms. Two weeks ago, we went into the Amazon rainforest and a wild monkey bit my girlfriend, 25 biological female when she tried petting it.

We didn't think much of it and kept going on with our lives. Last Monday, she started feeling discomfort in her jaw, which soon evolved into pain when she tried opening it. Now she has a headache and feels tension and electricity in her trapezius muscle and her neck. I think she might have tetanus, but her jaw pain may also be caused by a bad movement. Should we be worried? She doesn't smoke.

She's about 5'5", weighs 154 pounds, doesn't take any medication, and probably hasn't had a Tdap shot in the last 10 years. My favorite part about all of these stories, which I forgot about Reddit, is the fact that they... I love the beginning descriptor of age, height, weight, like, yeah, she's like 25 years old, like five, yeah. Crucial context. Crucial context that you need.

I'm actually on the Ask Doctors subreddit. What was the muscle that he talked about? The trapezius. See, I don't know the trapezius. I feel like he's already a doctor. I feel like he has a leg up. He doesn't need to be on the Ask Doctors. I feel like they just Googled, like, muscles on the back of your neck and were like, how

do you work out? How do you not know what your traps are? Oh, I guess that's your traps. Yeah, your traps. Yeah, I work out. Hell yeah. No, yeah, your traps. Okay, cool.

Trapezius. That makes sense. Traps, trapezius. Traps wouldn't be the medical word. That makes a lot of sense. Probably want to use real medical words on the Ask Doctors. Yeah. Is there any resolution to this one?

This is one where I'm more interested in, like, is there a resolution? Yeah. Does somebody get to the bottom of what's going on with this woman's face? Yeah, luckily, these people have, like, a bunch of physicians on this subreddit. So it was locked after they got a lot of advice from physicians, the top one being, please go to your nearest emergency department right away, which I'm sorry. First of all, don't fucking pet monkeys in wild places, especially the Amazon rainforest. Don't just walk up to the monkey.

Come on, let's just be a little smarter here. Let's be a little smarter. Like, you got bit, wouldn't you immediately then be like, I got bit by a fucking monkey in the Amazon. I need to go to a doctor and make sure my tetanus and rabies is up to date. I wouldn't just continue on with the vacation if a wild animal bit me. I'd probably be like, you know what, I should go see somebody, at least say something to somebody at the hotel.

I'll be like, hey, a monkey bit me, like, I don't know if it's that bad, like, maybe I should go get checked out, like, just tell somebody that I'm not with. This one blows my mind and it reminded me, me and Lauren went to Thailand and we took this like boat tour and it's by far the most fun experience I've ever had. It's like Bob's boat tour in like the PP islands and they just like drive you around in this like speedboat all day, get you wasted and you make a pit stop on like Monkey Island. It's like the same beach where Leonardo filmed or something. I don't, I don't know.

The beach movie. Which one's the beach movie? I don't know. I've never seen it. I know the movie where the beach makes you old. Oh, God, no, I'm not watching that one. You know what I'm talking about in the movie? And Shyamala won.

Yeah. I can't watch that. I saw the trailer. The trailer made me physically sick. What? The woman giving birth like out of nowhere and she's like, oh, I'm so old now, I'm on the beach that makes you old. It was disgusting.

Not that movie. Okay, cool. So me and Lauren, we like stop at this monkey beach and they're like not nice. Like you get to like hang out and feed them. They give you like peanuts or something to feed these monkeys, but like Lauren's all up in there trying to grab them, have her climb, like the monkeys climb on her, like all this shit. And I'm just kind of standing back like chucking the peanuts because I'm not trying to get

killed by a fucking monkey. They're mean. Monkeys are assholes. Monkeys very famously, total dickheads, not good pets, not fun to hang. No, no, they're, they're very vicious, very vicious. And a lot of people, this did go viral on other subreddits, essentially, essentially people making fun of this person, like how dumb are you? And I just had to make sure like it's not a normal thing to try to pet monkeys.

No. And it's all, you should go to the doctor. That's my hot take on that one. You think that wouldn't even be like a hot take? No, I have, but you got to ask doctors for a reason. Trapezius. The top comment on one of the other subreddits it's on, which is r slash insane people read it, basically like being like these people that are silly.

And it's like, I'd be fucking terrified. It's rabies. And then someone down goes, first symptom that shows up for tetanus is lock jaw and painful muscle spasms, probably tetanus. See there you go, tetanus, not a good one. No. Also, haven't you seen how fast people die of rabies and once it sets in, it's like irreversible.

Like you're done. Yes. I would have such a pair. I also like in kind of a hypochondriac that would fuck me up so quickly. That would fuck me up so quickly getting bought. I had a canker store last week that I thought was mouth cancer. I was like convinced for 12 hours. It was the dumbest thing to be convinced of, but I had convinced myself fully.

I was like, I'm going to die like texting my parents. I was like, it was great. I'm a hypochondriac too, but I realized I don't really do anything about it. I'm going to get a colonoscopy now just because I'm so scared of colon cancer. Okay. You're 20 years old. Yeah, but look at all the people that keep dying from colon cancer. Who?

Chadwick Boseman. Okay. That is a good one. Colon cancer, a 35 year old TikTok star. Which one? I don't know. He's got a little kid. He just died though.

Colon cancer is like, and it's going to, I'm telling you right now. We might have to clip this because this might be the dumbest thing I've ever said. Isn't it more prominent in men? Yeah. So why are you getting colonoscopy? Because it's always good to know. We did a colon cancer story a couple episodes back and I've just been on this big kick about raising awareness about colon cancer now.

So I had this post and all this stuff. I've seen lots of comments and we had one two hot takes listener comment on the Instagram and she was like, I'm 27 and stage four colon cancer. Okay. Now fuck me. Yeah. Eat your words, bitch. Maybe we should film an episode while getting a colonoscopy.

I'm going to do it. It's going to be a two hot takes unsupervised channel video. Justin's going to do it too. And Lauren and Alejandra. You're all getting colon and you're going to record yourself getting done. No, I don't think you can take a camera in there. But like pre and post-op. Yeah.

Okay. I like that. I'm so fucking scared. But it's like a free, a free cleanse at the same time. You get everything out of you. I think it'll be very good for me. It's going to be like the new, it's going to be the new trend. Any parasites I may have.

See, there you go. Maybe we should all do it. I think we should. Yeah. Do you have stomach issues? Yes. Yeah. You need to get one.

Maybe I should. I think it's just, I talked it up to like undiagnosed IBS. This is a lot of, I feel like a lot of info for you. You could have Crohn's. Okay. Why would you say that I would have Crohn's? I just told you, I thought I had cancer because I had a canker sore and it was slightly raised. I was like, I'm dying.

I didn't raise cancer sore and it was like, you definitely have mild cancer. Did you have a lot of citrus? Justin gets them all the time. I get them when I'm like stressed and or like, I kept biting my, this is a fucking stupid story that means nothing. I just kept biting my whip by accident while talking. Oh my God. What?

Yeah. And then it like came and it was like really raised. And then I was just like, well, might as well eat a bunch of citrus. I literally did like eat a bunch of citrus and it just got worse. And then I was like, well now it's cancer because I made it worse. Dude. I get canker sores. No, no, no, no.

Yeah. You definitely, you're cancer free. You're good. You're definitely good. So I'd set a timed release on check mouth and got that on Friday and I was like, you know what? Canker sore gone. No cancer.

I get canker sores from like hard chips hitting my mouth. Like cutting the inside of your lip. Yeah. Like hard chips. If I eat like Mexican food and have chips, they get me. How does that get you that? How often? I'm a very sensitive gal.

Really? Yeah. It happens. No, but colonoscopy this year. I think that'll be great. I can't wait. Yeah. It's going to be a good time.

That should have been the episode 100. If we could go back in time, I won't date this podcast cause, but, but. Yeah. This, this will be like a couple of weeks away. You see, yeah, I won't date it, but should have been episode 100. It should have been. Okay. Moving along to the next weirdo.

So this one is titled, am I the asshole for interfering in the bouquet toss at my girlfriend's sister's wedding? My girlfriend will call her Maggie and I went to her sister's wedding on Sunday. It was a great event and things were going really well for most of the evening. It was the first time I met Maggie's mother, but I had already met the rest of her family. When it came time for the bouquet toss, Maggie was one of the ladies in the group to try and catch it. I thought I had an opportunity to be funny and lift the mood.

So I stood behind Maggie and slapped the flowers to the ground before she could catch them. I don't know if she actually would have been the one to catch them, but I did it anyways. I was doing it as a joke, which I thought would be obvious to everyone. I was like .0001% serious. I'm actually not interested in marriage. I'm in my 20s. I really had no bad intentions and wasn't trying to upset anyone. I thought I would get a good chuckle from the crowd.

After I slapped the bouquet to the ground, there was an audible gasp from everyone around, followed by an awkward silence. I was a little embarrassed, but I laughed anyways to try to non-verbally show everyone that it was a joke. Nobody laughed. After a bit, the moment had passed and everyone was starting a big dinner. Nobody talked to me and I was getting a couple of sideways glances. Maggie's mother eventually pulled me aside and, very respectfully, asked me to leave.

To which I obliged. I didn't want to cause a scene. A few weeks later, my girlfriend and her sister are over it, but the mom still seems weird about it. I haven't spoken to her since then. Was this an asshole move or was it just a lighthearted joke that was misinterpreted? Wait, okay. What was their age again?

Sorry. No age is mentioned in their 20s. In their 20s. We didn't get a descriptor. I am male, 21 years old, 5'10". Not this time. How long have they been dating? No mention of that either.

I think that's the most important element of it. I'm not in the marriage be the qualifier of being like, that's why it's good that I slapped the flowers down that signify getting married next. He didn't know she was going to catch it. Does that mean it wasn't coming towards her? He just ran in and was like, nobody's getting it today. That's what it feels like. Have you seen wedding crashers towards the end when Owen Wilson is losing his mind

and he smacks the bouquet down, he runs in, smacks it and steals it? That's what it feels like. It doesn't feel like it was just right there and it feels aggressively. No matter where it was going, it was getting smashed to the ground. It sounds like he was... The way that he's trying to frame it was like, I was behind her whole dinner and then I was like, haha, and it was playful. It really seems like he went in and spiked it to the ground so nobody could catch it.

I would be so annoyed if someone did this. No one takes that seriously. I've gone to a lot of weddings and I've stood there. Justin doesn't get scared that I'm going to catch the bouquet. No one takes this tradition seriously. I'm terrified of it. Are you? Honestly, I don't see that at all.

I was thinking about what stories to pick for you today and I wanted to find one that was like stepdad energy because you just give me stepdad energy. That is either a really good thing or a really bad thing. It's a good thing. You just feel like a caring old soul. Okay, thank you. That's very nice.

This one, we get to actually answer the question. Yeah, he's definitely a dick. He's definitely an asshole. Yeah. I do like him getting ass to leave. Also, very important is it seems like a small wedding. I'm not getting the vibe that this was a big, popping wedding. It sounds like it was a very small wedding.

Yeah, we don't have any detail about it and there are a couple of comments from OP. But not anything like describing the wedding or going into further detail about ages. We still did. There's no mention of a breakup. One of the comments OP responds to is you're the asshole. It's a tradition that not many people take to heart.

It's not an automatic, you must be married thing. You made an unnecessary scene and damaged your relationship with your girlfriend and her family. You ruined a possibly cute moment for no reason. Jokes are supposed to be funny. So explain the joke. Damn.

And OP responds and goes, I didn't intend to ruin the moment nor did I know that I would. But the joke was meant to be that I didn't want to get married in this economy. Traditionally, I'm not sure what culture it stems from actually but traditionally the person to catch the bouquet is the next person to get married. Damn.

Okay, next, but it could be five years. I'm not getting married in this economy. In this economy. In this moment. I'm not getting married. Like what dude? I think yeah, I would, I'd go anti that guy on this one. Would it be breakup worthy for you?

Um, no, I don't know. If I was sitting there trying to catch the bouquet and my girlfriend slapped it on my hand, that'd be peeved. Yeah. Come on. This is a me moment. You're ruining my moment.

It's me and all the girlies for trying to catch the bouquet. You're slapping it on my hand. I'm so excited. It's weird. I don't know. Apparently it was like weird enough that the mom was like, you need to leave. Yeah.

Like they kicked this person out after. So they were clearly pissed. Right. Like you need to leave the wedding is like a big deal. Well, and like how cute would it have been if like their sisters and the one got married, she tossed it. And the other one caught it. Like that is so freaking cute.

I do love him being like, not today. I am not getting married to this girl. Well, I don't think he like is serious in about marriage at all, which is like, okay. 20s in his 20s. Like was that 20, 21, 22? Like if Justin did this at a wedding, I'd be like, okay, after four years,

you're scared of me catching it. Like we, we got to sit down and talk, dude. Like if you really don't want to marry me that bad, like let's just break up now. Right. Like that's where I would be at with this one. Very superstitious guy. I feel like.

Clearly. Do you ever go in and see like what their other posts are? Yeah. This is definitely a real account. Um, there's a lot of responses. Not like to see if it's a real account just to be like, you know, like what's this guy up to? Like what's the rest of his life?

Yeah. Um, oddly, I hadn't looked up his account. I'd only seen the post and now that I'm like getting into the comments of like other stuff he comments on, I actually think this is someone from Minnesota. Minnesota. Oh, very sick. Oh yeah.

Every other post he like comments about is like related to Minnesota Vikings and Minnesota football. So I'm like, I'm like, oh my God. Okay. Minnesota people, were you at a wedding recently and someone did this? How long ago was this post? This post was from two days ago.

Oh, what, what the fuck? Okay. I thought this was like from years ago. This is from two days ago. Two days ago. Oh. Yeah. Obviously they're not broken.

Yeah. Oh, I thought like the mall like time had passed. But wait, how long? Wedding was like a couple of weeks ago. Okay. But post is from a couple of days ago. Your girlfriends definitely thinking about how to break up with them.

I wish they would have mentioned how long they'd been together because if this was like an early relationship, it's like, right. I mean, you can continue and go on. Like what's the worst thing someone you've continued to date has done at the beginning? Oh, that's so hard. I have no idea.

Mine had another girlfriend on the side. Okay. That's bad. Yeah. And I still forgave him and like took a trip to California with him. That's crazy. Yeah. Is that how you moved out here?

No. This was a guy from college and it's actually like, he's like the whole reason I met Lauren. Oddly. That's bizarre. Was that the other girl? No. The other girl was a friend from like high school,

like acquaintance. We'd party together. Her name was Alex. And then we became college roommates and Alex was really good friends with Lauren. Thanks, Alex Hansen. Oh, Alex was the other girl. Yeah. But you were the side chick.

Or were you the main? It's hard to determine. Alex, I'm sorry to put your business out there like this. Yeah. No, I feel like we both thought we were the main, but like he lived in my hometown. Got it. So I spent the most time with him and then he would go to the cities like Minneapolis

and then like, fuck her when he was down there. Wow. What a guy. What a guy. And so you guys are still friends. You and this dude. No, you and the girl. Oh yeah.

Me and Alex. Yeah. We lived together in college after this. Oh, this was in high school. Yeah. I was a senior in high school. What were they? She was a freshman in college.

Oh, I think we're going to say a freshman in high school. I was like, wow, this guy is like a freshman in high school. She's definitely a character, but no, he's not that bad. Vikings fan too, I imagine. Just like all of this. All of them. Yeah. They're, they're honestly might be a picture of us on my Instagram out of Vikings game.

So I got to go delete all my old boy friends. Is this, is this the time I finally tell you that I hate the Vikings? I do hate the Vikings before the face. The face. I'm a Saints fan. Go New Orleans Saints. I like doing the point at the camera. Yeah.

Saints. I love the saints. What the fuck? Minneapolis miracle. Oh, that was the greatest day ever. That was the worst day of my life. That was great. I like, I like Justin Jefferson named offensive player of the year.

Absolutely. I love it. J Jetta. Very pro J Jetta. Absolutely. The Saints are so cheap. Sean Payton and all that bounty stuff. Oh, come on.

No, don't. Trying to take bread far about. We're not getting, we're not getting into the Saints drama right now. We have a checkered pass. Oh my God. Okay. Well, the top comment is one of his top posts actually is Justin Jefferson. Oh, this is perfect.

Yeah. This dude loves J Jets. He's literally from Minnesota. He's got to be from Minnesota. We got to find this dude. If you are this girl, please update us. If you break up. So the top, how big the wedding was and how long you guys have been together.

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Top comment is the one we read, which like jokes are supposed to be funny. Explain the joke. It's got 24,000 upvotes. The next one down is the brides normally prized the photographs from the wedding. The bouquet is one of those moments that was lost.

Hey, move on from this sooner, the better. Damn. Yeah. I feel bad for my guy. I don't know what, like, I don't, again, like even him trying to explain the joke, which I think is the best thing to do when people make stupid jokes. Be like, I don't, can you explain that? How's that?

Right. How's that supposed to be funny? Especially if it's like sexist stuff, like commenting on a woman's body, which I'm go, I'm like so tangential today. Like my like, where are we going? My ADD is like out of control. And first of all, someone like someone pitched at me. I was like, they were like Morgan referring to her ADD.

It's ADHD now. And I'm like, well, no, there's two different ones. Do I need to get all my, they, they smushed it in a one. Just like autism, like an Asperger's, they used to be separate diagnosis. They're now smushed into one. They're like changing all the diagnostic categories. I don't need to get, I don't want to get on my soap box. No soap box, but I do want to become an adult guy that's very passionate about telling

other people about adult ADHD and how real it is. Dude, do you see us right now? Yeah, I know. This is, we are two of the most ADHD individuals. This is going to be a chaotic episode, but it's fine. It's fine. So speaking of people and explaining jokes, I watched the Pamela Anderson documentary on Netflix.

I saw, I saw photos. I saw stills on Evan Ross Katz. It's incredible. That's what he said. It is absolutely the most well done documentary. She is so real and so vulnerable. It's exactly what you want from a documentary of like someone like a celebrity. It's insane.

And what she went through, I want to kick the shit out of Jimmy Kimmel, Jay Leno. Even Matt Lauer was kind of a sicko. Even Matt Lauer? Matt Lauer, famously bad guy. Very famously. Is he? Wait, how do you not know this? I don't know.

I heard Barbara Walters was like really mean to you. Wait, are you serious? You don't know about this Matt Lauer thing? I don't know. What? I live under a rock sometimes. This is like, he's like the worst one. Oh my God.

It's like a Me Too thing. Did you not know this? I don't know what this is all about. No wonder why he was so mean to Pam. I just love her. He had the door that locked, I think. That might not have been it. I'm pretty sure he had the door that locked.

Like you would press that and he'd be like, he was like a total, why have you not seen Matt Lauer on TV in years? I don't know. Because he got me too bad, big bad. That's disgusting. Matt Lauer, bad guy. Yeah, well Pamela had to deal with a lot of stuff and so anytime people make nasty jokes, don't laugh, even awkwardly, sit there and say, can you explain it?

Yes. Can you explain how that was funny? Yeah, this guy across the board, asshole, the Reddit banner did populate, overall vote was asshole. Oh. And he got so upset by it, he came back and did an edit and goes, hey, don't know if anyone noticed, but the contest ended more than 20 plus hours ago. Your votes don't count anymore.

I like that. I like him coming back, doubling down. He's like, stop calling me an asshole. He's like a really concerned about it. If you put it out there, can you not delete it? Yeah, you can. He hasn't. Like why do people just not go back up there and be like, you know what?

I regret it. I regret it. I am. I am the dick. I don't know. A lot of people do. I do like him thinking it was such a good bit that he's like, you know what? I'm staying by this one.

This one was, it was a lot funnier than people realized. No, that's not funny. Neither is like the dick in the box thing and everyone finds that so funny and I'm like- What? And like from like- SNL? Yeah, 2009. That was 2009.

I would be so proud of myself. I have a very different sense of humor. I would be so proud of myself if I got the right on that. I'm seeing mixed reviews. I see 2009. I see 2006. No, fuck. Music video 2006.

That's 2006. Fuck. Yeah. Sorry. You're stupid. When did 2020 Vision come out? That song mirrors, probably 2013, right? I would say 2013.

2013. Fuck yes. That's when I graduated high school. March 15th. I remember that. Okay. It was right before Pearlms season and I thought that song mirrors was going to be at every last dance of Pearlms.

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You've ratcheted it up. Yeah. Yeah. I had to start off small on you. Right. Okay. Let's go. Yeah.

This one was posted a day ago. It's from r slash off my chest. It's only got 350 upboats right now so it's kind of flying under the radar. Low key story. I love it. Mm-hmm. Parents revealed a 19-year-old secret to save my relationship. I, 18 female, turning 19 next month, have been dating my boyfriend 19 male for almost

two years now. Everything has been going great. We got emancipated and now own an apartment in the outside of a very small town and are soon to open a car wash together. Last week we were at a family reunion where the topic of my late grandmother, dad's side, was brought up and my father pulled out some pictures of her. My mother-in-law, I will be referring to my boyfriend's mother that way, freaked out and looked super nervous when she saw pictures of my grandma.

Then she left the room for a few minutes while the topic continued. She later came back with pictures of my and my boyfriend's grandmothers, both on a live right now, together. The pictures led all the way to their late teens and early 20s right before my dad was born. Apparently, my great-grandfather had an affair where he had my boyfriend's grandmother and since my grandma was the oldest, she knew about it apparently. They were raised separately, but were still related.

My grandma and her dad kept this secret from the rest of the family. At least, that is why we think no one else knew. So the math started. Our grandmas were sisters. That makes my dad and his mom, my boyfriend's mom, direct cousins. And me and my boyfriend would be second cousins. Wait, I'm so confused. I'm so confused on this family, which we're right now.

It's a hard one. I need a graph of what's going on. Who is related to who? Boyfriend and girlfriend. Yes, okay. Boyfriend and girlfriend. They both have their own grandmas. Their grandmas were sisters.

Sisters. Uh-huh. So technically, the girlfriend's dad and the boyfriend's mom are cousins. Let's see if it gets better. Oh, it keeps going. It keeps going. Obviously, me and my boyfriend started to cry. I started to have a panic attack, and my mother-in-law was still in what looked like shock.

But my parents seemed so calm. Eventually, my dad snapped, quote, all right, all right, we need to say something. You can all calm down. Blank is not my biological daughter. They're okay to date. You're fine. My name, like in parentheses. I stopped crying, but only for a second.

Then I continued, but this time yelling, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, over and over. Still to this day, those three words keep repeating in my mind. Their story was that my mom and dad dated in college, then broke up, then a few years later they reunited. My mom was five months pregnant when they decided to give it a try, with him promising her to give me his last name and care for me, which he's done a great job at. He was the one to sign my birth certificate, making me unrelated by blood to him, therefore

unrelated by blood to my boyfriend. But my mom didn't want people to know that I wasn't really his, so she made him keep the secret for 19 years. This is so fucked. That story was, you really went from zero to 100 on crazy. You went from guy slapping bouquet, like am I the asshole, to cousin fucker, great cousin fucker. But they're not really cousins.

Yeah. To fake cousin fucker. I still want to understand what was going on at the family reunion where this mom had such easy access to all, why everybody had photos of their grandma. I mean, maybe she pulled it up on her phone. Okay. I guess that is a very reasonable answer. So there are a lot of comments from OP.

It does end, so maybe we'll get a little bit more info here, but it does end basically being like, I really hope it's all true since I have no proof that it is, but it seemed pretty legit since I've never seen pictures of them before my mom got pregnant, only after. This is driving me crazy and I just needed some more to vent, which I feel like this is also really easily solved by a simple DNA test. There's also a point that is so minute that I want to go back to, but I'm kind of mad about these posts because like remember when you were like, it says bracket, like, you know, my name here, it would be, it would be a lot sicker if they just put their username

in there. If it was like, fairy girl 926 is not my real daughter. That's a very stupid thing that I wish happened in these stories. They'd put their real names. No, like they put their user names. You can see their username on the post. But like when it says like brackets, like my name here, it was just like, it says, or just create a fake name.

Yeah. But I really like, I like the idea of it being their username there. I think that would be very funny. Okay. Uh, the one thing I was really intrigued about when I took away from the story, everything else cool. That was my one complaint. Her whole life just shattered and you pick on that.

I'm like, I'm like, do more bits about your username. I know this is a trying time. I would shit a brick. Like coming from someone who I grew up knowing that like my dad, Jerry, like adopted me, if I was raised to believe he was my dad and all of a sudden I found out he wasn't my real dad, I would probably need to be put in a padded room. You think that would be worse? Then finding out you're fucking your cousin.

Well, I was, I was more going on, like not knowing that your dad was like, if your dad wasn't like, I'm, I'm going back to like the adoption thing, right? Like, like you'd rather know from the get go that you were adopted. Yeah, I feel like it's just, it's just kind of normal. Like I was just raised like, Oh, you have two dads. Like it's kind of, it's no different than having like a stepdad. It's just like, you have two dads. This is your bio dad.

I don't even remember the first conversation that I got explained to me because I just grew up my whole life kind of like having it be the norm. Right. With two dads. It's kind of sad. Yeah. It's interesting, but I, I would rather, this is weird, you guys. I get this.

You would rather fuck your, don't say you would rather fuck your cousin. Yeah. Well, like really second cousins, how much blood do you share? Yeah, I guess is that what they're called? Is that what they're called? They're not like great, great distance cousins. This is so gross. People are going to be up in arms.

Yeah. People are going to hate this. How much blood do you share? Share with a cousin. Well, second cousin. That's what they're called, right? It's second cousin. Okay.

Remember first cousins could share 12.5% of their DNA while second cousins could share 3.125% So that's like nothing. That's nothing. I feel like second cousins is fine. If you didn't know. Yeah, I guess. It sounds like they're from a small town.

I want to get more details on their car washing business too. Okay. So a lot of people were like, wait, wait, let's go into, yes. You're emancipated. Yeah. I was also going to ask about that, but then I thought that like maybe I was stupid for thinking like that seems weird that they were emancipated at 18. I googled how to get emancipated at 15, but like after 18, you're fine.

That's what I was confused about. But then I thought I was just being an idiot. No. So someone commented and goes, why did you get emancipated? It sounds like you have a somewhat good relationship with your family. I honestly think this is a troll post and OP goes, sorry, I forgot to explain. The legal age in my country is 21. So in order, oh, she's not a mayor.

Oh, doesn't sound like the States. So in order to own my car apartment plus have bills in my name, I had to be either 21 or be emancipated. We still have a good relationship with our family, both sides. We live together for other reasons. I want to know more about this car. Yeah. So someone goes, you're concerned about the car wash.

People are not concerned about the car. I'm concerned about the car wash. Someone goes, so who the fuck is your biological dad? And OP goes, they won't tell me, not even my dad knows. Mom says she'll never tell me even on her deathbed. Damn. Yeah. Sounds like a former dad, bad dude, bio dad, bad dude.

That's what I was thinking. Or best friend. Pot twist. Let's get crazy or cause or second cousin or just something crazy. One of the second cousin, one of the posts I was going to read for you today, which I chose not to is a post and it's from someone that literally it's like titled. I went to a foreign country and fucked people so I could have a baby. Like they literally just went abroad and had sex with a stranger.

Like they paid a stranger to fuck them so they could get pregnant. This seems like a really bad deal for the stranger. Yeah, it seems very like predatory. Interesting. Yeah. Really? What was that on? I don't know.

I'll pull it up. I can pull it up and let you know. I'll pull it. I'll pull her up for you, Grayson. It's like I people of YouTube and of the podcast, if you're watching this on YouTube, I'm still figuring out what to do with my hands. I look like I look like a deer in headlights right now. Are you self conscious about it?

No, I just I don't. I haven't thought about it, but then I was like, well, I've been doing this pose and I switched to like this kind of like weird one where my feet are down this. Now I'm like up here. This isn't a visual bit. So if this gets kept in the audio audience is going to absolutely hate this. It's also that post it's titled, I traveled to a foreign country to get pregnant by a complete stranger with no strings attached.

I consider it the best decision I ever made. It's also from off my chest. Also, like, why don't just go like get a sperm donor? I guess like it ruins the the taboo excitement. Yeah, of like having sex to get pregnant. I guess maybe that's part of it. So the top comment on this post is damn, that's a lot. Sounds like everyone cares about you both and want you to be happy.

Just a lot to process. But this wasn't the first second I thought that was the not that I had sex. No, OK, no. No, that's on an upcoming episode. A little preview. A little snake bake. What would you do if you found out today that your dad wasn't your dad?

That'd be weird. I kind of I don't really look like my dad. My dad's like, I always say this about my dad. Like he's like he's kind of like me, but like more like like muscular, manly, southern version of me. Where is he from? It's from Atlanta. Oh, wow.

It's like if like I was a Pokemon and I evolved to be like a southern like man, that would be my dad. So I'd feel like kind of weird because I'd be like, well, we're kind of similar. But like, you know, would you be heartbroken? Maybe. Yeah, I don't know. I've never considered it. I really I wished growing up like I did a DNA test when I was in I don't know, whatever, 23 and me was like really new.

But I did a DNA test and like I always wished like Jerry was actually my bio dad. I always just wished I was like maybe my mom was mistaken. Maybe like she fucked like my bio dad, but like it wasn't really like it didn't happen. I was just like wished so bad that he would be my real dad. And then I got the DNA test back and I was like. Fifty percent finish, which Jerry's a Jew, like not finished. I was like, fuck, there goes that. That's what you like Iceland so much.

I know you have like this Nordic blood within you. I literally, you guys, I'm obsessed with Iceland. Our travel video that we're putting together is so insane. And every time I watch it, it just brings me such peace. Like I want to go back already. She loves it's your Nordic blood. I belong there. I literally belong there. I want to move to Iceland.

I need to put the green. I need to put the yellow flag up to be real quick. Pause. Everyone pause. Pause. Wait one second. Yeah, I I think this will turn out better than OP things, but it's going to be tough and maybe require some therapy. Definitely, definitely a therapy.

Yeah. The thought of my sons growing up without me inspired me to quit smoking. I talked to my doctors and then I threw away all my cigarettes, ashtrays and lighters. I started exercising instead of smoking. Staying away from alcohol when I was first quitting was key. I kept on trying, learn something each time. Do whatever it takes.

No matter how many times it takes. We did it, so can you. For free and confidential help, call 1-800-QUIT-NOW or visit waytoquit.org developed by CDC. OK, moving along. Do you wash your ass? Yes. OK, this is a really, really hot topic lately.

And a lot of people have been talking about it. It comes up on the show a lot. We've read other stories similar. It might feel a little Mandela effect deja vu, but it's kind of a thing that guys don't wash their asses. You have to wash your ass. Some don't. Some guys, people, some people think

that you just like bend forward and let the water run down your crack. I don't need to get into like the semantics of how it works. Are you sure? But you go like, you go like, I was going to do the hand thing. I was going to get really semantic. You go front to back. Well, I don't know. You can't go front to back.

Well, I might go for, I don't know. I've got soap on my. Why does that matter? I'm going, I've got like a soapy ass hand. Because you don't want to go. Wait, no, I meant back to front. Are we talking about wiping or are we talking about in the shower? In the shower.

What, what way does that matter? Even while wiping. I feel like it matters. It does not matter. I feel like you should like reach from the back and go front to back. I'm sitting now. I would have to stand up because I don't know. It's like second nature.

No, because you go behind. Yeah. Yes. Yes. I go from behind. Okay. So you're doing it right. Well, hopefully.

Yes. Yes. Let's see about this story and then you can see like maybe. Does he not wash his ass? We're going to get there. Okay. So this one is titled my 26 female boyfriend, 31 male, leaves skid marks and tries to hide them. Just as the title says, my 26 female boyfriend, 31 male, likes to sleep completely naked when he comes over.

Sorry. That was a bad one. We don't do it every time. I prefer pajamas, but when we do more often than not, he leaves some quote evidence behind. My sheets and bedding are white. I have gone through multiple bottles of bleach at this point, removing his skid marks. This isn't a once or twice thing. It's happened maybe six or seven times.

It's only ever on his side of the bed. He has this habit of sliding out of bed rather than just getting up. And there's almost always a trail where he's gone out of bed. The first time it happened, I noticed, but was too embarrassed on his behalf to say anything. I left for work first that day. And when I got home, I found that he had washed and bleached the sheets. I could tell because the skid mark was gone and my laundry detergent and bleach were in a different place. Same thing the second time I noticed, but didn't say anything.

He washed and bleached the sheets and rearranged the bed like it never happened. I've never addressed it openly before because at first he would clean up after himself and take care of it. Well, now he's not taking care of it anymore. He's gotten into this weird habit of trying to cover it up. Rather than stripping and washing the sheets when I leave, he just remakes the bed and leaves his mess where it is. Leaving me to find a nasty surprise when I get home from work and having to strip the bed that evening, which is annoying. Last week, he slid across my duvet cover naked and left a large skid mark right there. I didn't say anything thinking he'd surely take care of it since it was so obvious.

When I got home, he had just made the bed and tossed a throw blanket over the skid mark. Needless to say, I'm getting frustrated. I want to approach the issue as delicately as possible since he's clearly embarrassed about it. But I'm also annoyed about his immature attempts to hide the mess and that he's no longer cleaning up after himself like he was before. I think I've been too relaxed about it and now maybe he thinks I don't notice or care. I'm also concerned about his hygiene, which is otherwise pretty good and whether there might be some kind of health issues at play. How do I approach this? It's not even do you wash your ass, it's do you wipe your ass.

But also, dude's fucking rock. Dude's rule for this. I'm kidding. Gross. This is insane. Realistically, anyone can do this. What? If my girl was one time, I'd be like, okay, this is fine.

If I was dating a girl and she kept on getting up and there was just doodoo stains from the night before, it'd be like one time I'd be like, okay, that's not great. Fool me once. I'm like, okay, that was fine. Fool me twice. I am never sleeping in the same bed as you. Really? I like the image of him sliding over the duvet.

I think of it of sliding over a car in an action movie. But there's just a shit stain. Yeah, that's probably accurate. And he was just like, that was not me. How would you approach it? That's why dude's rock. How would I approach it? I don't know if I would have a real issue.

I think a lot of us would. A lot of us. I think I would have a real problem like continuing seeing that person. It might be breakup worthy? Yeah, I don't think it might be. Has she ever slept? My question is like, what does his sheets look like? She has black sheets.

I wonder. That was my thought. I wonder. There are some comments from OP. Only looks like a few. Someone goes, God help me. If I have to read one more story about a man who doesn't know how to wipe his own ass. It's not normal to still have poop in there.

And OP responds and goes, I know. I don't understand. I assumed his bathroom habits would improve after the first couple of times. Since he's clearly aware that this is an issue. But nope. It might not stink or anything. So it might be IBS or something. I don't know.

Is IBS an excuse for that? No. I've never woken up. And like we said earlier in the episode, probably have that. I've never woken up in the morning and been like, God damn IBS. Got me again. Skin marks on the blankets. I mean, everyone has had a chart experience at this point.

Especially if you have IBS. Oh yeah. Like I have a lot of friends that have like shit themselves, especially while running. Easy. Like it happens. Like you're planning a marathon. Doing it right now. So it happens.

But just because that happens, it's all about like your wiping. It's not the fact that you have stomach issues. It's how you're handling your peri care. That was a beautiful way of describing your wiping is peri care. Yeah. Your after shit. Yeah. You just gotta get.

He needs a bidet. He needs wet wipes. He can get those wet wipes. If you get wet wipes though, please do not flush them. Even if they say flushable wipes, don't flush that shit. Is that true? Yeah. You can't flush those.

I have no idea. I would flush the shit out of those. I literally, you guys, I, this is the worst experience of my life. I have neighbors upstairs that have babies and they thought they could flush their flushable wipes. So lo and behold, they're flushing their fucking wipes. They're, I went, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they were flushing their diapers or pipes in our building.

Our condo were so clogged. The night before, one of my biggest guests, it was like my first big guest. I was so nervous. I, I was already stressed, like ready to puke. And the night before my bathtub and toilet start overflowing with shit from the neighbors flushing wipes. My bathtub was, my bathtub was just about to overflow full of other people's shit. It's the worst smell I've ever encountered.

This is a very shit forward segment right now. Yeah, it is. So very poop friendly. We're poop friendly unless it's a skid mark across the bed. That would be insane. I do not understand. If I had watched somebody that I was having sex with skid across the bed, like, like I said, like rush hour style and leave a trail of shit, I think I would, I don't know.

I don't know if I'd be like, you know what, I think I can, and then to have that person be like, you know what's going to solve this issue, I do that. I would be mortified. It's so bad. It's so bad. I also have a weird, I like, I think I have a fee, not a fear of what poop, not a fear of poop, but like, I'm, I don't think I'm weird about it, but like, I don't, there's a deep rooted poop thing.

I pooped in a Toys R Us. This is really, I pooped in a Toys R Us when I was a kid. Oh, that's not that bad. You were a kid. No. Like by kid, I was like probably like 10 or like maybe 11. That's still fine. No.

I like, I shit myself bad. Like I, I dropped a, I dropped an absolute log on the floor. Oh, you like pulled your pants down and pooped. No, no, no. It was. Fell out of your pants. It was. What happened?

I had, I had, I like, I think there's a, I don't know if this is a guy's thing. There's like, there are other people I know that have this. Maybe it's a guy thing. Maybe it's an everything thing where it was like, when I was a kid, and I think there are people that have this when they're adults too, but like, I was like, oh, like I need to shit at home. Like I was like, I needed not only to shit at home, damn, I'm going to get into the story.

I needed to poop naked at home as like a child. Like I need to be like, that's where I think there's weird poop that I'm like, I need to be naked because I was like, I can't have my clothes get near poop. I was like, they got to be clean. They got to be very clean and I can see. Yeah. So we were shopping for, well, Justin Timberlake's going to come out back in this story. Weirdly enough.

We were shopping for my sister's birthday party and I think it might have been in her so that would have made me 12, which is way too old for this to happen. And we were like going from like Toys R Us to Toys R Us and we were looking for these like pink slippers and we had to get like 20 of them and like finally, I needed to shit the entire time. Like I needed to shit, but like I wasn't at home. Right. Yeah.

Finally it got to the point where it was like, oh my God, I'm going to poop. I had gone to the hospital before from not pooping. Oh my God, you're an impacted child. As a child. This time my mom was like, you need to go poop. I had had weird poop things my entire life and so like I needed to go shit and so like I went into this Toys R Us bathroom where I like, what felt like the sixth time they did Toys R Us, but it was probably like the second and I like go in there and like the

bathroom is disgusting where there's like, the way I remember it is like there's ants and cockroaches everywhere. Like that's definitely not how it was. It was definitely like just a normal public restroom and I was like, there's a dead body. And so I was like, I am not going to shit here. And so like I, back to the Justin Timberlake thing, sorry, this is very ADHD. It was playing on the Toys R Us speakers. I remember during that party later on that night, I just, I felt like I had to get this

part cleared on like that weekend when she had the party is that's when Justified came out because Crimey River was really big and they were playing that, but whatever. That's not the point. So I go back into the Toys R Us and I'm like, I find my mom like, oh, I shit. And she was like, okay, great. Like, and I didn't, I didn't poop in that bathroom. There was like no way in hell I was pooping in that bathroom. So I'm like, okay, great.

And so like I start walking around the store as like, she's looking for all of these things. And I'm like, oh my God, I need to poop so bad. And at some point I, I'm wearing black cargo pants. And how do you remember it? Like it was yesterday. I do. Cause I just, I, I just end up shitting my pants and it wasn't like a, like it was just like, it was like a log.

Yeah. This is very graphic. It was solid. You ate a lot of fiber. I ate a lot of fiber. It was solid. And it ended up, I like ended up like just trying to play it off and like it ended up just like rolling down my leg and then like falling out, falling out of my pants and just

in the middle of an aisle, like there's a full human turd in this toys for us. And I just walk away like and nothing's happened. I'm like, I've gotten off scot-free. Like I didn't have to shit in that bathroom. I shit. My pants are shitty. And so like I walk out to my mom like nothing's happened. I'm playing it freaking cool as a cucumber.

I am. And I think my mom, I think I probably smell like shit because my leg is fully covered in shit. I think I smell like shit. Oh, yeah. So my mom's like kind of like, oh, you're acting kind of weird. I think she like smells. Did she roll by it?

No, she literally, she rolled by it, she looked at me and I was like, she like saw this shit and looked at me and I just like burst out in the tears and she's like, crazy. And then this is Tor, this is like toys for us, like 18 year old kid had to come sweep up my human turd that night. And they get, I'm like, I was, it was so bad, it was traumatizing. I got a G.I. Joe figure out of it from the Toys R Us people because I was like sobbing uncontrollably. They gave me snake eyes, snake, you, G.I. Joe's used to come in two packs or you get

two characters. It was fucking genius. So sick. Cause they can fight them. So now I got rewarded by Toys R Us from this. They were like, here's your free toy and like you can just have that. Wow. Okay.

So that was clearly. So that, yeah, that was a real big tangent. That was a core memory for you. I get you were 12, but honestly, I don't think you can talk shit about anyone that leaves skid marks on the side. But that's what I'm saying. Like I'm weird about the shit thing now. Like this was, this was, that was the preamble like, it's so, it's literally, it's traumatized

you. It's like almost your villain origin story. Right. Like it's like, I can't deal with, like, I can't deal with poop in my bed from, from my girlfriend. Just not white. Have you ever seen skid marks in someone's underwear? Okay.

This is weird. I, I was really traumatized from a lot of the initial Reddit stories and me and Justin by the time I started this podcast, we had only been dating for maybe a year and a half at that point. And I remember having the waffle stomping story where this guy shit in the shower and he would like waffle stomp. He would like use his feet to push the poop down the drain. It's called waffle stomping.

Once again, dude's rock. So disgusting. And then I had like another story where this guy had to poop every time he came. I think I had a skid mark story. Jesus. I just like, I was really traumatized. And Justin left his underwear in the bathroom once and I remember just being like, do not blow up my guy's spot like this.

I just, no, I just remembered needing to like, no, I'm like, I got to know it. Does he wipe right? Does he wash his ass? And so as they were in the bathroom floor, like kind of did a little peek in them. We're good. Thank God. Oh my God. I was getting worried.

Were you scared? Yeah. I was worried you were about to put my guy on blast. No, no, no. We're safe. He definitely wipes and like he is like so particular. This dude uses like three different body washes. He's like body wash one all up in there, body wash two all up in there.

Like he does three layers of body wash. He's like must get clean. Okay. I'm not that bad. Yeah. He's very particular about his showers. I was going to say this earlier. I do like the washing.

I got to get better. I don't wash my legs enough. Like my lower leg area. I think that's a white people thing. Yeah. Is that? I just don't, I don't go down there. White people have been made fun of so much on Twitter for not washing their legs.

Yeah. And I'm going to be honest. It rolls down. It rolls down. That's a bad take. But that's what people said for white Twitter. They're like, what do you mean wash your legs? Well the soap just goes down and takes care of it.

It just goes down. And everyone else that wasn't white was like so disgusted and I'm going to be honest. I did not put soap on my legs before seeing that take on Twitter. Like I wasn't aggressively soaping my legs. I would like put some soap on my upper thighs, but I wasn't like trying to do gymnastics in the shower to wash my calves and shit. Yeah. I probably should start washing my legs more.

White people are so gross. Yeah. We are gross. I should wash my legs more. We can 2023. Wash our legs. We'll wash our legs more. Wipe your ass.

So OP, it seems like they get some good advice. There's another comment that basically just goes, to put it bluntly, it has become apparent that men are not explicitly told to scrub their ass cracks and holes when they're growing up. I don't think you need to be told that. You do. Hygiene discussions are usually only about showering in general, using deodorant and brushing hair and teeth.

So many men don't learn until a significant other brings it up that they need to actively and manually wash their junk and butts. And that soapy water running down the crack doesn't do anything. Sparing his feelings will not do anything. You need to sit down and when nothing else is going on and have a conversation. Babe, we need to talk about something. It's important to me and may come across as hurtful, but I'm more concerned than anything else.

And I promise me that we'll sit through this conversation, even if it's embarrassing or uncomfortable for both of us. Then lay it out. I'm concerned for your health. It is not normal to be dirty enough that you leave skid marks on sheets, which you have been doing. I let it slide up first because I don't think it would be a common occurrence and you were cleaning it up, but it has become common and you've stopped cleaning up after yourself.

We need to discuss our hygiene rituals or I want you to see a doctor about why there's so much built up down there. I do like this comment or just being like, all right, here's the conversation. Here's how you have it. I love the script. That's a good script. That's a great script. Flawless.

Great script. Flawless. Wash your ass. OP responds back. Thank you. Exclamation, exclamation. I like how OP was like, anybody else feeling this, anybody else's boyfriend just shitting all over the bed.

Honestly, if you've never dealt with it before or if you're not like chronically on Reddit like me, I'd be kind of nervous too. I don't know if I would know what to do. I don't think I'd be able to date somebody that was close. Well, no, because you have a poop trauma story. I do have a poop trauma story. Like I was traumatized by my own poop. Yeah.

We're trauma bonding over my poop. Me and my mom trauma bonded. We should have brought her on for this one. But OP does go on to say, I really like your script and I'm going to use it to talk to him. There you go. We don't have any other updates. It was posted 10 days ago, but maybe we'll get one.

I would love to know if anyone in the community has dealt with skid marks on their bed because- I would also like to know if this is a common thing. I feel like it is. We see it so much. I didn't realize that this poop thing was so much. It is. I saw a TikTok of real people going to their boyfriends and recording and being like, hey, babe, when you're in the shower, do you actively wash your butt and then they'll flip the camera

on their boyfriend and he's like, no, I just let the soap run down. He's like, I don't get in there. I kind of let the soap run down everywhere except armpits in that area. Yeah. That area armpits hit hard. Yeah. Hit hard those two areas. Yeah.

Oh my God. I hate- I had an experience recently. I went to someone else's house and they had Charmin toilet paper and the worst- Ew. How do you do Charmin? I have the Charmin forever rule. As a bit, I bought the big jumbo size Charmin. Oh my God.

It happened right before the pandemic. That came in clutch, I bet. Yeah. Well, yeah, it's at my apartment in New York and it's very big and it comes in like every three months. They give you like a new- Wow. Yeah. So that's why I love Charmin.

But yes. Okay. You don't like the bears. No. It just like flakes off on your butt. So then when you go to shower and clean your ass, you have like little flakes on you. Yeah. They're like the softest flakes in the entire world.

I have a friend who hates the Charmin bears. I'm just imagining sliding across someone's bed even my own now and being like, oh my God, I just left my fucking poopy Charmin crumbs on my bed. Oh, that would be, I think that would actually make it worse. That's disgusting. Can you imagine like on your sheets and you just feel poopy toilet paper crumbs? I hate flaky toilet paper. Hate it.

It's like my biggest pet peeve. Is Charmin famously flaky? I thought it was just famously soft and they had the bears. I feel like Charmin is like yeast infection central for gals. Oh, is it? Yeah. I don't want to, I was going to say that. Well, great thing that's what my apartment has in here.

Charmin will not be sponsoring this podcast. Three guys, if they need to sponsor me, I love the Charmin Forever rule. It's great. It's fantastic. Okay. Love the Charmin Forever rule. Okay. Big plugger.

Big plugger. Except for my friend that hates, I do have a friend like I said, hates the bears. Yeah. Spices. Gets mad when on the TV screen. Why are they so happy about cleaning their ass? Oh, that's kind of pessimistic. He has a point.

They are very excited to clean their, there's bears lives. They're centered around wiping their own ass, which maybe is actually a good thing. Maybe those bears are all into something. Honestly, I think Charmin should take those bears and do a shower PSA about getting up in your ass crack. Maybe now Charmin should sponsor it. We create like a late, nope. Okay.

We're really shooting ourselves in the butt with that. No. Moral of the story. Wash your ass crack and dudes, wash your dicks. If your dick is dirty, you're going to give someone with a vagina, who you're fucking bacterial vaginosis. Wash your junk guys. Wash your junk guys.

Wash your ass. Wash your junk. Moving along. Yes. I agree. The thought of my sons growing up without me inspired me to quit smoking. I talked to my doctors and then I threw away all my cigarettes, ashtrays and lighters. I started exercising instead of smoking.

Drinking away from alcohol when I was first quitting was key. I kept on trying, learned something each time. Do whatever it takes. No matter how many times it takes. We did it. So can you. For free and confidential help, call 1-800-QUIT-NOW or visit waytokwit.org, developed by CDC. Okay.

So this next one, am I the asshole for pranking my girlfriend on my buddy's birthday? Now I, 26 male, have been friends with the same group of guys since we were kids. We are all extremely close with one another. One of the things you need to know about us is that we are all bonded by a shared sense of humor. We are huge fans of doing pranks on one another and we have our own games and inside jokes. The best way to describe us is we're like this friend group in the movie TAG, parentheses 2018.

Now recently one of my buddies, let's call him Jackson, 28 male, got into a car accident. He's partly recovered but he's still taking some rest and he's been kind of down in the dumps. His birthday was coming up so we wanted to cheer him up because we hate seeing our friends like that. So we got the idea of pranking my girlfriend because she's really posh and prissy so her reaction would be great and the prank we had in mind would knock his socks off. As kids, we used to play this game called pizza roulette.

We'd order a large pizza, put each slice on eight different plates, either face up or face down randomly and then each of us would be blindfolded and have to take one of the slices and flip the plate over on another one and then hold it up like a sandwich. Then hold it up like a sandwich. He types it sad witch so I think he means sandwich and then hold it up like a sandwich to eye level. If both of the bread slices were facing outwards then congratulations, you got a calzone, enjoy. If the bottom was sauce down but the top was bread up then it was kind of funny because

they picked up the wet side but if the sauce side was up then the guy sitting next to you smashes the whole thing in your face. We used to have tons of fun and Jackson loved the game. So Jackson's birthday comes. We blindfold my girlfriend and rig it so that she gets the pizza face up and we do it successfully but she gets really mad and leaves. Now the guys are annoyed because she ruined the vibe of Jackson's party but some of the girlfriends in the group said what we did was wrong.

I thought it was funny at first but am I the asshole? So it's like if it becomes like it's a face up is just normal style pizza, right? It's like you're like double deckering your pizza normal style? Yeah, it seems like that. It seems like if you there's like a winner and a loser in this weird game, if you get a slice of pizza and then another slice of pizza and you put the cheeses face in each other then you win. You win a calzone baby.

But if you get it the opposite where it's like pizza on top of pizza just stacked then you get it smashed in your face. But then pizza like this that's wet style. Yes, exactly. Wet style not good. Wet style not good. What if it's double? Honestly, I'm not super invested in the shamanics.

I want to know this shamanic something. I hate pranks personally. I think we all know that by this point. If my boyfriend did this to me at what's supposed to be like a really fun party, I would absolutely go home too. You get ready, you put your makeup on, you spend effort and then someone smashes pizza in your face, I'd be pissed. Pizza also though I will say doesn't have a great smashable quality.

You know cake, great smashable quality. You get cake on your face, the icing still there. I'd be more mad about the cake. Yeah, because there's icing on that. Pizza is just kind of like grease. And sauce. Yeah, but is the sauce exploding out on your face? If it's a deep dish from Chicago.

That was my thought. I was like, well if it's a deep dish that's like a cake. The other time. I don't know. I just like I think it's just more about the principle of like this was rude. I think if there's, if you, I think with pranks in general, it's kind of this thing where it's like if you and your buddies are prank, prank a little club and you guys love pranking each other.

Right. Prank each other. The girlfriend doesn't need to be the innocent victim in this. I like how they chose his girlfriend. He was like, you guys, you know what? My girlfriend is going to love. Because she's prissy and posh. I forgot she was the prissy and posh one.

Like don't do that to the girl. Like don't do that to anyone. I get wanting to cheer someone up, but I think there's other ways to do it. There's levels to it. I mean, it's his birthday. Get him a pocket pussy, get him, get him an abundance of other things that might excite him. It's sort of like get him a pocket pussy.

I mean, it's better than smashing pizza in your girlfriend's face. So I, I don't know why I don't understand the cake smashing culture. I see so many videos, especially I saw this one the other day and it was the saddest thing in the world. It was this girl and she was celebrating her quinceanera and it was this beautiful celebration. She had a beautiful gown on, beautiful makeup and hair and someone runs up to her with a cake and smashes the cake all over her. And you just see her go from excited and smiling, having the time of her life to crushed.

Yeah, that's brutal. I don't get the cake smashing stuff. Like I don't understand why you even find it funny ruining someone's special time. It's like the bouquet toss. It's like, why are we so obsessed with ruining people's special moments? So he was afraid about getting married. Well, he's just a weirdo too. Like this dude, like why can't we just not celebrate things in normal ways?

Why is it so hard to be normal? Why? The top comment on this one is you thought you would cheer up your friend by dot, dot, dot assaulting your girlfriend. You're the asshole. And more than that are terminally stupid. I like the movie. I like that they were like, you remember that movie tag that completely flops?

I even brought that up on another episode when we were talking about pranks too and she loved the movie. She thought it was hilarious. I never saw it. I like the concept. I never saw the movie. I've never seen it either. I feel like I need to watch it, but I feel like I'll be pissed off.

Why? Because you hate pranks. Well, you do it. I hate pranks. Yeah. Only pranks. I like our pranks where you like gift someone something like, like you fake break their iPhone and give them a new one.

Like a dead fish. It's like a Mr. B style prank is giving them a new iPhone. Yeah. That's me. I feel like a tooth fairy prankster. Like I come with presents if I prank. Oh, okay. So it's like, you thought, it's like we destroyed your car, but we actually got you a new car

that's way nicer. Yeah. But you didn't even destroy their car. It's like a car you found in the junkyard that you bought that like looks like theirs. And then you destroy that one. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah.

I'm not like, I don't like damaging property. I don't like, I don't like being wasteful. I'm trying to be very sustainable. I recycle. There we go. Reduce, reuse, recycle. You got these beautiful mugs. Yeah.

Well, and these glasses are actually recycled. They were from a local ice cream shop in LA called Ginger's. And now they're my drink glasses. And California gold, baby. Handcrafted. Handcrafted, baby. Yeah. So I'm all about sustainability.

I don't like being wasteful and ruining stuff or injuring people or belittling people, removing their dignity. Why? I thought of my sons growing up without me inspired me to quit smoking. I talked to my doctors and then I threw away all my cigarettes, ashtrays, and lighters. I started exercising instead of smoking. Staying away from alcohol when I was first quitting was key. I kept on trying, learned something each time.

Do whatever it takes. No matter how many times it takes. We did it. So can you. For free and confidential help, call 1-800-QUIT-NOW or visit WayToQuit.org developed by CDC. Moving along. Am I the asshole for not telling people happy birthday the traditional way? Okay, so this is going to sound silly.

And I feel I'm probably not an asshole for this. But when I was about 18, I'm 26 now, I got bored of saying happy birthday to people all the time and wanted to have a more unique way of saying happy birthday. So I would be more memorable. I know there are silly cards and stuff, but I started trying to come up with a new phrase to say. Now, my first one was, quote, happy day of being pushed out of your mother's uterus. This is the least unfunny person I've ever met.

Until I said that to someone and they told me that they were a C-section baby. So technically not pushed out. And I was like, you know what, you are right. And I changed it to, quote, happy day of being forcefully removed from your mother's uterus. Because it's all inclusive. And since deciding on that, it's what I have told everyone every year since on their birthday. Now I have my mother-in-law, 49, who does not really like me to begin with. And she nitpicks everything I say and do.

However, even though I've been with my husband for nine years, she apparently never noticed before today when I said that exact phrase to her oldest son, my brother-in-law. Which really the fact that she has never noticed before in nine years can tell you a lot about my relationship with her, in my opinion. After hearing this, she freaked out on me. Because what I said was, quote, vulgar, rude, and making fun of the birthday traditions. I personally don't see this vulgar or rude, but I am not always the best at social cues. So maybe it is, however, no one else has complained or said anything before.

And usually it gives people a nice chuckle. So here I am to ask, am I the asshole? Am I missing the social cues here? And am I, in fact, being vulgar and rude? No, it's just not funny. It's just weird. I feel like I had new people like this in high school. I feel like you're just trying too hard to make something.

It reminds me of Mean Girls, like, fetch is not going to happen in Gretchen. It's like, why are you trying to overcomplicate things? Yeah. It's also just not funny. Not at all. It's bad. Like, no one wants to be reminded of their mom's uterus on their birthday. I would say anti this bit.

Yeah. I'm not an asshole, though. I will say not an asshole. Not an asshole. It's not that aggressive. It's just like a meh, don't do it again. You think of like a better bit. Yeah.

I don't know what that better bit is. It's so interesting the concepts of bits are really new to me. I didn't realize that so many people had real life bits that they do every day nonstop. Like it's just a part of their lives. Yeah. Like I try to think about it, but I don't really feel like I have a bit. Bits are great. It's fun just to like have bits that go nonstop.

What's yours? I don't know. I got a bunch of bits going on. Really? Yeah. Okay. Well, what's the best one? I have no idea.

I don't really know where the bits end and they begin. Hello? Hi. Yeah. DAD is home. Yeah. You haven't met my dad. No, I haven't met your dad yet.

Oh my God. You'll get to meet him when we're done. I did like that. He just did that. He is a walking bit as well. See, that's it. It's all about bits. That's how you get through life.

I just do little bits to yourself. Okay. Make yourself laugh. I need to come up with a bit. I was doing a bit to myself this morning. I don't even remember what it was, but it was getting me good. I got a picture of you doing Anchorman bits, especially with that mustache. I think it was about crashing my car.

It's not like dark. You are so funny. Grayson and me and Justin went to like a show recently and he walks in. He's like, I had a pole. I did hit a pole. That wasn't the bit. I don't remember what the bit was this morning, but I was like giggling. It was like early and I was like giggling to myself.

I just hit the car in front of me. How would you respond to someone if they said happy day of coming out of your mother's vagina? I don't know. It depends on the relationship we've had. That is true. I feel bad. I don't want to say it. It makes me sad.

For them? Yeah. I'm like, it's like a sad. I feel like that's a sad thing. Like you're just kind of embarrassed. Yeah. I'm like, come on. Like we got this one.

You can do better. Like let's buck up. I would sit there and I would think of a good bit for them. That is true. With them. Like we could workshop it. That is, yeah. Let's get better.

Come on. I'll sound the board with you this. Let's get better. Like you and I, we can do something better. Oh my God. But maybe their delivery is really good. Yeah. I think there are some comments from OP.

My delivery is great. Or there were. The account has now been suspended, deleted all over the place. Great. But the top comment is you're the asshole quote. Hey, I'm an intentionally gross and vulgar because I want to be unique and quirky. I don't think, I think people are overreacting. It's not vulgar.

I just don't. I mean, it's not fun. It's not vulgar. I don't. Yeah. I would agree. I don't think like, I think rude. Like, oh, you're being so rude.

That's a little aggressive. I don't think like talking about normal anatomy parts. It's like, oh, happy day. The stork dropped you off. Like, okay, get real. We all know babies don't come from snorks. That would be better. Storks.

What did I say? Snorks. Storks. Happy stork day. Happy stork day. That would be better. Because it's cute. It's like more cute.

So maybe it is vulgar, I guess. I don't know. I just, for me, I'm like the stuff I've seen in hospitals, like dude, no, it's not vulgar. It's just anatomy. The next comment goes, OP is Amy Schumer. And someone goes, Amy Schumer would definitely make fun of this person. There were comments from OP though, like kind of just being like, I'm not going to do it anymore, but I don't say this to people in person.

I guess it was only like a text thing is what it was. So does that change your take at all? No, because I know it's still unfunny. Okay. The last one is a little unhinged. Let's go for it. Okay. It's titled, Emma the asshole for asking my wife to respect my title as pilot.

Oh, this is so sick. I already love this one. I'm already on his side. I need the opinions. Yes, chef. Yes, pilot. I need the opinions of avgeeks and pilots on a matter involving my wife. Pilot behind.

I am completely serious and need help. All caps. My wife and I together for five years married for two, no kids have an amazing, happy relationship. I can't recall a single time we've ever argued to the point of a breakup or divorce. The issue, however, is causing me to reconsider the health of our relationship. Since my wife and I have been together, I've worked as a manager for a restaurant chain. I am an extremely passionate aviation enthusiast in my free time. Hell yeah.

I have spent thousands of dollars on flight textbooks, SIM gear, and even built my own A330 setup. I have never actually flown a plane or started flight training, but I have considered it for a long time. Even though my skills are not a career, I still consider myself as adept or possibly more knowledgeable than the average pilot. That being said, here's where the problem arises. My wife and I were invited to one of her male co-workers' house for a barbecue. My wife is a senior software tech for a COVID startup. She's worked there since 2020, a lucky catch after she was laid off from her previous job due to the virus. It was my first time meeting many of her now close co-workers due to COVID and working from home.

I'd assumed she'd talked about me before, but as we were cycling through introductions, I became less sure. We make our way down the line to the host of the party, a new male hire that she has grown platonically close with. We exchange casual conversation and Greg, the host, asked what I do for a living. My wife chimes in with, quote, he manages a insert fast food chain. It certainly comes with some benefits. I'm assuming she's referring to free food in a voice that implied nothing was wrong with what she said. I quickly corrected her and told him that I am a pilot. My wife already knows how insecure I am about my job and how I'd much rather be introduced by my hobby.

I've earned the title of pilot through my 500 plus hours on the SIM and thousands of dollars put into my craft. I think it is incredibly disrespectful for her to not acknowledge my skills and training. Just because I don't have the title of pilot on an overpriced piece of paper doesn't mean I'm not a pilot. I laughed it off with Greg, told him under my breath that my wife was often forgetful, which I'm sure he's realized just from working with her. He seemed to brush it off casually. At this point, I'm fuming, but I don't go much farther than exchanging some nasty glances at my wife for the rest of the night. As we pack into the car to leave, the argument starts. She feels as if I don't deserve my title as pilot because I'm not a professional.

I told her she's completely insensitive to the work I've done and she will never understand what it's like to study so much. She's currently on the couch as I type this. Am I really the asshole for asking to be respected? This guy, I mean, if this is a real story, I love this man. This is divorce worthy for me. This dude's a nut. He's an absolute little nut. The reason I don't think this is a real story is the way that he's like, I mean, maybe it is. Maybe I'm just being a dick. Maybe it is a real story. She's become platonically close with. He sounds insecure.

He definitely is. And threatened. Well, I mean, that's all very queer by this whole pilot thing. Also the fact that he like threw his wife under the bus like, she's often forgetful. Which she probably knows from working with her. That's like, I was like, What? These are your wife's coworkers, coworkers.

You can't make her look like shit. You can't make her look like shit. The job comes with some benefits though. Dude, if it was Chick-fil-A, give me that sauce. That's such a bad choice. Most overrated fast food restaurant. I hate, I hate, hate, hate how anti LGBTQ plus they are. But fuck, I buy their sauce from the grocery store because all of the profits go to college programs.

And that sauce is magical. I've never really loved the sauce. I know. What? Polynesian sauce, I'm cool with. They sell that at the grocery store too. Isn't that what the Chick-fil-A sauce is? Isn't it Polynesian sauce? No, there's two.

What's the other one? It's like a Thousand Island ranch mix. When did they come up with that? It's orangey. That one seems nil. I thought that was the original. I thought the Polynesian sauce was the original. Huh, I don't think so.

Cain sauce better. Oh, okay. Cains is unreal. The bread, the bread you get. Texas toast. Oh my God, I'm such a bread girl. Like my main food group is bread. I'm probably 90% bread. So yeah, okay, I trade my answer.

Cains is better. Yeah, Cains is. I'm also one of the fucked up people. I still get Cains coleslaw. Dude, I might drive to Cains tonight. Yeah, well, I need that very mayo-y coleslaw to cut, to make me feel a little bit better about everything. Oh my God.

It's a very heavy meal. I like Cains though. Yeah, back to the pilot though. Back to the pilot side. If you, I guess like, yeah, okay, maybe he's funny because you're a dude, you're being weird. But if you had a, yeah, but if you had a partner, like say you had a partner and you went to a party

and you knew that your significant other was like, I don't know, like a... A pilot. A bartender. I mean anything, a bartender. But in their free time, they watched videos of horses on YouTube. Weirdly specific for you.

It's the only thing that's popping in my head. And so you go to a party together and she instead told people, oh no, I'm not a bartender. I'm actually an Olympic level equestrian. Wouldn't you be weirded out? Yeah, but he's not like saying like, he's not like adding all of those. He's just saying like, call me a pilot.

But he's not a pilot. I mean he's putting a lot, in that sense I'm on it like, I don't know, like apparently he doesn't want, like I get it, I guess. Like his actual job is... Yeah, but he doesn't want people to know that. I don't know, he's feeling weird.

He's already, my guy is already feeling threatened. Like my guy is already operating on the back foot. You know what I mean? Like he's got, he's got that new guy over there that he's like, oh God, this guy's trying to fuck my wife. True. But it doesn't mean you lie about your job. But I actually think OP is real and just delusional

because they went to another subreddit, which is r slash shitty ask flying. And they have a post that's titled, what makes a pilot a pilot? Need advice from professional pilots. And they are genuinely asking like, like, and it's a long post, we don't have time to read it.

It'll, I'll read it for Patreon. I'll do the same bit on Patreon and read it over there. But they are genuinely curious, what makes a pilot a pilot? Like am I not a pilot just because I fly sims? Like they're serious. I mean, I've seen these sims run. Like my guy Joe was, he was in there.

He had his little thing. But it doesn't mean you can fly a plane. You're not a pilot. I would trust Joe flying a plane. Oh my God. The top comment on his other post, it goes, if devoting thousands of hours to a hobby makes you a thing, then I'm a porn star.

That is probably the best comment we've read today. Just because you have a hobby, does not make you a qualified professional. Yeah, I don't know. I guess. Dude, I will fight you on this to the death. I'm not really taking that. I just, I like my guy.

I'm rooting for him. I'm hoping, I'm hoping that he's at a good fast food restaurant. I'm, I'm, I'm cheering for him on the sidelines. Apparently his wife has picked up a second job to pay for him to get pilot lessons. The wife is the same. The wife needs to run. The wife is a very good person.

I hate this for her. I'm going to go ahead and say, the wife seems like too good of a person, even though I'm fighting on behalf of this guy for no explicable reason. I will say she seems incredible. She seems to be the real hero. Literally someone comments on his second post,

which is still up. I'll, I'll take screenshots right now. So we have it. But someone goes, if this post is real, you do not deserve your wife. She is paying for pilot school and therapy for you. After you belittled her achievements to the internet and her colleagues,

she got this job because she was lucky. And what's wrong with managing a restaurant? I can't even. See that's what, I don't know. OP goes, I'm proud of my wife and her career. She usually works a day less a week than I do. And she found a second job she's excited about. No shame in that.

And she sounds like she rules. Maybe she should be getting dick from that other guy. Maybe that is good. She, this is so just. This is a very messy situation. I don't know. I don't, I have gone so many different directions. I have no idea who side I am on.

I'm on her side. I think there's, there's all like, every relationship has given takes and like, yeah, there might be times where if your partner wants to go back to school, you foot the bill and things like that. And so, okay, maybe I'm an asshole, but I don't know. This feels, I don't know.

I honestly, if this dude becomes a pilot, I want to know if he's ever flying my plane because I want to cancel my flight. Damn. This, like the delusion to like call yourself a pilot after SIM training. I do not want to. Or maybe he'd be really good pilot.

No. I don't ever want to get on his plane. No. He's delusional. I'm taking her side. I've, I've, I've walked it back. I'm taking her side, but I still, I'm rooting for my guy. I don't know why this one makes me so mad.

I just think it's, it just feels so wrong and silly to call yourself something. Like it's like, it's like me watching Grey's Anatomy and being like, I'm a doctor. I guess, yeah. I'm a doctor. I can operate on people. I've seen so much Grey's Anatomy.

I know how to do an appendectomy. You have an appendicitis. I can do that. I can cut you open and successfully remove your appendix because I've watched so much Grey's Anatomy. That's what it feels like to me. And I, I'm probably irrationally mad at this one, but I'm probably irrationally cool with this one.

I would agree with that. I'm irrationally very okay with everything in this one. Grayson just had a weed gummy. It's fine. I did not. He's chill. I'm just very like, I'm literally like, you know what? Everything's fine, you know?

I'm rooting for all parties. I want them to all live happy lives. That's how we- Including the Skid Mark boy. Yeah. I want him to learn how to wipe his ass, but like, I think the end of the day, I hope that girl didn't get sick from the monkey bite.

Dude. I hope everybody on these stories- Is tetanus curable? I have no idea. I'm like literally a healthcare person. I don't even know. I found out about a new muscle that I had today that I've been working out a lot.

Oh my God. In the gym. Well, this is definitely one of the most unhinged episodes we've had this year. Thank you for coming on. Thank you for having me. This was fun. Sorry for making you late to your dinner.

It's fine. Dinner or two hot takes? I'm always choosing two hot takes, everybody. Oh my God. Okay. I love you. Thank you for coming on. Thank you for having me.

Head over to Patreon. We're going to get more into the pilot story, but other than that, until next time. Bye guys. Bye. The thought of my sons growing up without me inspired me to quit smoking.

I talked to my doctors, and then I threw away all my cigarettes, ashtrays, and lighters. I started exercising instead of smoking. Staying away from alcohol when I was first quitting was key. I kept on trying. Learned something each time. Do whatever it takes.

No matter how many times it takes. We did it. So can you. For free and confidential help, call 1-800-QUIT-NOW or visit www.waytoquit.org Developed by CDC. It's spring tire sale time

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