Two Hot Takes - 122: Don't Send Me a Bill.. Ft. Chris Klemens

Episode Date: July 6, 2023

Two Hot Takes host, Morgan, is joined by guest co-host Chris Klemens!! This episode features stories that could have us immediately calling our therapists after. I've personally never cried so much in an episode lol. TW: We do read coconut story again but Chris has the most unreal reactions it's worth it. My episode on Chris's podcast!!!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0E1qWRW1Vs Our PO Box!! Two Hot Takes. 5042 Wilshire BLVD. #470. Los Angeles, CA 90036 Bonus Content on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/TwoHotTakes Watch our Iceland Travel Vlog!!! https://youtu.be/FISXcwnw49E Our SubReddit to Submit YOUR Stories!!! https://reddit.app.link/twohottakes Full length Video episodes available on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/TwoHotTakes Partners: NextEvo: Nextevo.com/tht PDS Debt: PDSdebt.com/tht ZocDoc: Zocdoc.com/tht Babbel: Babbel.com/tht

Just your mind or two subscribe. Thank you. Yeah. Okay, Ariana. Yeah All right, let's lay down a check. Yeah Sorry, these microphones are very professional. I'm like wow Oh Holy shit, that was me pooping this morning. Do you do karaoke? Yeah, I love karaoke. Except I have to do it with three months in between because I go so hard that I like. Yeah.

Pop like blood vessels. I so see that for you. Yeah. I could see you going on the mass singer. Honestly, don't even play with me. I think you should. I'm at that point of my career where I'm like, okay, I think we're. You should want to dance with the stars. Like in the mass that point of my career where I'm like, okay, I think we're. You should want the dancing with the stars,

like in the massing of the era of my career right now. We're needing a revival. I would be there. I would know, but I would be there with the biggest sign supporting you. I think you would. Thank you. Some of them are really bad.

It's like shocking that they go. I'm like not all these bitches can sing. No, they're not too good. I'm gonna be auto-tune. Yeah, there's even this one. I'm like, not all these bitches can sing. No. They ought to be auto-tune. Yeah, there's even this one. I'll make A icing for me. Okay, so that's kind of the thing. There's auto-tune that's kind of like the tea pain where you think auto-tune where it's like really turned up.

But there's also this program in music called Melodyne. Yes, it's great. You can like literally alter each part of the song. Yes, each note. It's fucked up. Like you can like totally change the way someone sounds. Like so I'm like this close to being a pop star. I want my boyfriend because he's a music.

I want him to just put out a track just to see if I could get it to do anything. I'm just so curious. I love this idea. You want one too? You can easily do it. Wait, like kind of. He's a producer.

This is what he does. We're gonna have a meeting after. Next time you're in LA, we'll get you in the studio. Don't even... A session in the still. I think it... He's like, no. Even if you dropped on your YouTube, like, think of how well it could do.

Think of how cringey it could be. It could be. I mean, you always have that risk. Even all these stories that I picked for you today, people could be like, this is terrible. I'm so nervous. I don't even know what to expect. Well, the theme today is don't send me a bill. So like, never send me a bill. Don't send me a bill for your therapy, you guys, because I know these stories are horrendous.

I know we are gonna cause some trauma today, but I don't care, I don't want you to. Oh my God, that's a kid. Yeah. Hey! Oh my God, I was like, who are you looking at? That's mine. It was like a somebody behind me.

That's yours. Oh my God, nice to meet you guys. Oh, I was angling. We have one over there. Oh my, Ryan Seacrest, where? I have extreme paranoia that I'm gonna have something go wrong. So I have like four cameras. No, that's the way to do it.

I get really nervous. No, that's really smart. Also, fuck me. First of all, thank you Spotify for hosting me on my New York adventure this week. It's been amazing being here and having Millie and Ray help me. They're incredible. Give'll give them a bonus also

Today, I'm so bad about introducing my guests know me too. I'm horrendous. I still got it So today I'm joined by the amazing Chris Give people your pitch you have been a YouTube creator your on tick-tock. I have you have a farm. I have a have been a YouTube creator, you're on TikTok. I have. You have a farm. I have a farm. You like a farm. I have a farm.

Yeah, so I started uploading YouTube videos like over 10 years ago. The word YouTuber wasn't a thing. I didn't tell people for like the first year because I was like, this is a lightning round for bullying. And so I was just bored. I did it, stuck with it. Now everybody is on the fucking internet,

and I'm gonna get off of it. Yeah, I'm just kind of everywhere, and nowhere at the same time. I feel that, I feel like my whole life lately has been like a drug-induced fever dream. Yeah, we can't, I can't tie it deep-diving about because it could get real dark. Like, I just don't know what's going on.

And I, people ask me stuff, they're like, oh, like, what have you been up to lately? And I. Like, I just don't know what's going on. And I, people ask me stuff, they're like, oh, like, what have you been up to lately? And I'm like, I honestly don't remember. And like you, I went on your show, which you guys need to listen. It's such a fun episode. On hands with Chris Clemmons. So good.

But you were like, what's some funny summer stories? And I was like, I don't remember. Is that trauma? Is that trauma? I think for me at least I'm gonna like blame it on the gummies. You know, I'm an active proponent. I could see that. Same.

I hope you can because it's the truth. It's the truth. Okay, I think I've hit everything on my checklist. So are you ready? I was born semi-ready. Okay. Getting less ready by the day. I think this is on my checklist. So are you ready? I was born semi-ready. Okay. Getting less ready by the day. I think this is gonna go okay.

I'm excited. Okay. It's gonna go just a fucking solid okay. I'm like, I'll take it. I'm here. I didn't sleep in past my alarms. I did find good stories. So I think we're gonna be good.

I would just like to personally thank you for pushing this recording time to one 11 a.m Or what a time or a tool. I was still sleeping. Oh, no, I was like very much not present as people see me with my ginger ale Are you a teacher? It's only thinking me from not throwing up right now. Oh, got it Yeah, I can't drink ginger ale anymore because when I would say home from school sick, that's what my mom would give me. And so now I just immediately associate the taste to like the barf bucket I would hold you Pavlov to yourself. Sure, whatever that is. Sounds hot. Yeah.

Pavlov's. Sorry, I can't talk right now. I'm Pavloving. There is a guy. What is that actually before I really run with that joke? I'm like, oh dear. So Pavlovin is where you like condition yourself to associate one response with another. I'm Pavlovin, this town bitch, like a Pavlov. One of our original stories on this show was a guy that the only way he could come was by pooping at the same time. So he went to a girl's house

and was having sex with her came and accidentally shit on her floor. Yeah, that's the kind of stuff we have. Well guys, thanks so much for listening to this episode. This was a blast. Thank you so much for having me. Bye. I have to go speak to my therapist. I'm like, whoa. Oh my god. Today's Thursday. Do a therapy. Thank God, because I gonna need it after this. I'm excited, I really am.

Like, I love hearing about bigger messes than me. Okay, well, I'm gonna. I'm hoping that's the case of what's gonna happen, because if not, I'm gonna feel worse. I'm gonna mess you up from the beginning. Good. Let's dive in. I pants are already dead, so let's do it again.

Round two. Ding, ding. so let's do it old. It is coming from throw it away now, three, two, six, four off of the off my chest sub-reddit. What now, now wait a day a minute. Okay. What does off my chest mean? Like you can't segue from some guy's shitting on a floor to off my chest. There's a bunch of different sub-reddits. Is it like just like admitting things? Yes. You just need to clear the air. I didn't know if it was okay. Yeah. I'll just listen. It is titled. I accidentally got my sister pregnant and we aren't telling anyone to make her

rich husband believe it's his. Oh God, oh, fucking what? I mean, apparently sister, but what? Yeah. My sister and I grew up very close. We are close in age. I'm 22 and she's 25. So we got to experience a lot of life things around the same time because of that. We became best friends super early on. Growing up, I was absolutely never attracted to her in any sort of way.

Yeah, it's your sister, bro. I also believe it's worth stating that I have never had any sort of brother-sla-sister fetish or any sort of incest fetish either. And after everything that's happened, I still don't. Three years ago, I started college and moved to a different state. A few weeks ago, my sister's long-time boyfriend asked her to marry him. It's the first time I was ever really super far away from my family and it bothered me really badly.

I got super bad depression and became really homesick. Around seven months later, I got to fly back home and see my family for my sister's wedding day. It was one of the biggest days of my life. Seeing my best friend marry the man of her dreams. I'm just like hit us with a punchline. Like girl, stop dragging it out. Now a tiny bit of backstory here.

Her husband's dad is insanely wealthy, a really big name in the pharmaceutical business. He not only paid 100% for their huge wedding, but also bought them a gorgeous house in full, apparently with a check, as a wedding gift from mom and dad. I went back to college and life back home went on normally. I was still really depressed and homesick,

but decided to do what I had to do and just push on. I was able to visit back home a few more times because of holidays. The one time I went back home other than for a holiday was a surprise party from my parents 30th anniversary. Usually when I went home, I would get picked up at the airport by my dad and I would stay at their house in a spare bedroom. But because this was a big secret, my sister picked me up and I was staying at her house for the five days I was in town. The party was great and everything went wonderful. There was

a lot of alcohol there and I definitely drank my fair share. The party ended around 10 pm. My sister and I were both pretty drunk and took an uber back to her house about 15 minutes away. Her husband works a long hours and was unable to take off work this day. And by the time we got home, he was already asleep in their bedroom. We decided to go into the spare bedroom that I was sleeping in just to catch up and talk. We chatted for around half an hour, just talking about life and shit. We were both pretty drunk and at this point it was getting pretty late. I had to pee and I told her I would be right back. So I got up and walked into the bathroom,

attached to the bedroom I was staying in, and started to pee. Didn't think anything of it. When I walked back into the room, my sister was laughing. I asked her what was so funny when she admitted, quote, I somehow managed to go 22 years without senior dick. I was super confused and sort of embarrassed. I asked her what she was talking about. She told me that she could see into the bathroom mirror, which reflected where I was standing to pee. Well, was it worth the wait? I drunkenly said laughing at her. Just like that, the mood in the room completely politely change. No, no, no. It was like someone flipped a switch.

No! We kept bantering back and forth for a few minutes. When out of absolutely nowhere, I started kissing her on the lips pretty aggressively. I immediately realized what I was doing and started to pull away when she grabbed onto my head and pulled me back. Oh my god, I'm just trying to get out of here in my brain. Oh my god. Oh my god. What? What? What in the West Virginia is happening? You could have said West Rose too, but you never saw Game of Thrones.

I didn't. You talked all about that. I got extremely turned on. And she did too. There's some things that even on Reddit, you should just omit. Sorry. I didn't feel like we were brother and sister at all. It felt like we were longtime friends who finally

gave into each other's lust. Things got heated quickly. And before we knew it, we were having sex. It lasted for around 10 minutes before we both finished. We laughed it off nervously and got dressed quickly. We chatted for just a little bit longer before finally deciding to call it a night. It felt so wrong and weird afterwards. The rest of my trip was super awkward, us having to pretend that everything was normal

with this being the biggest thing on our mind was challenging. But before I knew it, my trip was over and I went back to college. Weeks later, I received a text from my sister asking if I had some time to talk alone. My heart sank because I knew it was going to be about that night. I put it off for hours before finally calling her. She called me to tell me that she was pregnant and she's 100% certain that the baby is mine. I was speechless. I wasn't expecting something like this at all. We talked and tried to figure out what we should do. We were concerned in a situation that was so

above our heads that we couldn't even figure out where to start. Abortion came into discussion multiple times, but neither of us wanted that. We decided that it would be best to act like her husband is the father and raise it like that, so without ever telling anyone because of how wealthy his family is. No, the baby is gonna come out with six foreheads. She is due the week of June 10th. Absolutely, no one knows or has even the slightest clue.

This is a secret that my sister and I put our life on to protect. Things will never be the same between us. The last handful of months, I have become a heavy drinker and partygoer and failing almost every one of my classes. It's messed me up a ton. It's going to be super weird whenever I have kids now too. It's so weird how quick a dumb decision could change the rest of your life. The end.

What did I sign up for? Where am I? There's a this is a windowless room. I'm fucking terrified. What just happened? I just put us all through hell. I'm fucking terrified. What just happened? I just put us all through hell. I'm sorry. If it got to the point where I got my sibling pregnant,

I would get her a private jet to the nearest planned parenthood. I would say, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. This baby is not happening. No, there's no, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. This baby is not happening. No, there's no, I'm sorry. I'm very pro-choice at that. Just, but like, you can't, you can't, you can't.

What, the genetics, your brother and sister? I just read something about like America's most in-bred family. It's like they talk to each other and like grunts and barks. Stop. I'm dead fucking serious if I even knew where I read this. Oh my goodness. I would find it. My face just started tingling when you said that.

No, it's, that's so weird. That's so weird. That's all I was thinking about. Listening to this, I was like, that kid is gonna come out going, woo. Woo. That's insane. Yeah, this is really bad.

Oh, I just have nothing to say. There's another story on Reddit where this girl found out on her mom's deathbed or her mom got like really drunk one night or something. And she found out that her parents were actually twins and ran away from their like home in Germany to the United States so that they could be together. And so her and her siblings were all like yeah. Yeah. Wow, honestly, this has made me feel really solid about my life.

I feel amazing after this. No, I like hangover where? Yeah, what? I feel great. I feel like totally revived. No, I really feel like, okay, you're not doing so bad, Chris. Have you really been questioning your own life recently? Just like feeling, is it turning 29? Because I can't feel that.

I don't know, I just feel like I've peaked. And that's like a pretty tough pill to swallow. Yeah. You know? Got my face almost stopped tingling. No, it's so crazy. Well, why is it tingling enough to that story? I wouldn't admit that.

I don't know. It's just like, I just feel like I'm gonna pass that. I'm so bad. That was, like maybe something should stay on your chest. I think so too. Like that's something even as an anonymous thing you can waterboard out of me. I know.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman, period. No, there's no way. There's no way. And also, what is the husband gonna do when the baby comes out? Looking only like his wife and brother. Also, as if he's not rich enough to get many paternity tests.

I was just thinking that as, if he's like, we have an sex baby. Well, and just like timing wise, like guys aren't that dumb. Like he could easily figure out they are, but not all. Yeah, but like the family being that rich, I could see it like being like, it's almost a prerequisite where every child,

they automatically do a paternity test. Or just like they know when one's coming, like they plan it. They're like, okay, you're gonna have a baby and this is gonna be the heir to the throne or whatever. I could see this family doing a DNA test, honestly. Same, oh my God, I'm. 100%.

I'm like, ooh, get rid of the baby. Do we know if they had it? Well, so this post is vintage, it's four years old. And he said she was due June 10th. It's June 15th. So at this point in time, this child is four years old and he said she was due June 10th. It's June 15th. So at this point in time, this child is four years old out in the world somewhere. I don't think there's ever been an update.

Oh my God. Not that I really want one, but I sort of do need some sort of closure on that. I would love mine. As much as I've heard enough, wow, I kind of need to know. If there's a four year old out there and you look like your mom and uncle,

let me, oh God, that's... Yeah. Wow. I'm not seeing an update. I am seeing another like, Kora thing though, that is like, I got my sister pregnant, what do I do? No.

So this, you know. This is just happening to people. Yeah. There's a couple of their Reddit stories too. I got my 16 year old sister pregnant. What happens if you get your sister pregnant? How do I tell my parents that I got both of my, oh God, please don't be both.

How do I tell my parents that I got both of my sister's pregnant? Stop fucking your sister Let alone bad it's so bad And it's not even like steps siblings like which wouldn't be as bad. I really do I agree with that just based off of like Genetic wise like okay, that's not would be bad. Just based off of like genetic wise, like, okay, that's not the same DNA. Oh.

Not, it's not ideal. No, but at least you're not blood related. Exactly. You're only like socially related. Yeah. If that makes sense. If you want to hook up with your step siblings, I'm still not into it, just for the,

I would like to make that. Yeah. Just excruciatingly clear. Still, if I had set siblings, would not be into hard past. What if the love of your life ended up being like a step-siblings that you met at like this age, right now? If I met them before and they became a step-siblings,

like what do you think about gossip girl, like Dan and Serena? I never watched gossip. Oh my God, Chris. I only watched the... You haven't seen anything. I love you then I must kiss you, because I was a Hillary Duff stand, and so when she'd like, guest start on,

I was like, I watched and then I was like, what is this? And then I had a threesome, and I was like, whoa. I was like, guys, don't be shy, show more. And Gossip Girl is crazy, actually. I do think I would like it, and I need to go back and watch it,

but were they step siblings? Yeah. So we're hooking up. Well, yeah, and they actually shared a sibling. It comes out spoiler alert. Oh, well, first and now it's spoiler alert. Everyone listening if you have a watch gossip girl, just like quickly pass this.

I figured out gossip girl without ever watching it. So I was like, they were like, oh, but the whole series you try and find out who Gossip Girl is like, it's the poor kid in Brooklyn. And they were like, have you seen it? And I was like, no, it just makes sense. Like Shutter Island, I saw the trailer for, and another spoiler, unless you don't wanna,

find out the end of the show, they're like, oh, past. I was like, oh, he's the 93rd patient or whatever. I never saw that one. Oh, well, whoopsies. Now I feel in culture. I'm not gonna pass that. Yeah, you don't watch anything.

No, it's okay. I really don't know. I Google the end of movies before I finish that because I just need to know. So it's fine. I like spoilers. I hate to pry this. I mean, same, but like, it's only a two hour movie, you know?

I don't have the patience for that. I mean, I do understand. I respect and understand. And yet so long. So long. Especially if you're these people. Top comment on this one is Alabama for 100. Ha ha ha ha.

So I'm gonna un-culture myself even further. I don't know how to use Reddit or really understand it. It's not too bad. So, people can then comment to this. Yeah. Another fucking reason why I would just never tell anybody this to have strangers on the internet comment on this. Oh yeah.

That would be the last fucking straw I would need in this scenario. Some people are really supportive though. And it is. Are there supportive people for this? Yeah. What? Someone shares a link for an article on the whole concept of genetic sexual attraction. So there's this whole phenomenon where people are more attracted to people genetically

linked to them. So say like a girl never met her dad and encounters him in the wild, she could be extremely attracted to him just on pure happenstance that like, I don't know, I don't know the science behind it, but it's a thing. You're like attracted to people that are genetically close to you. Wow, I'm learning more than I ever did

in 16 years of education. Yeah, so someone after that goes, dude, sorry this is happening. That being said, I know you'll be a kick ass uncle. No, he's the dad. He's the dad. Kick ass uncle. Of someone goes, but what if he looks nothing like the father

and he gets suspicious and gets a DNA test and finds out, dog, you better be ready to watch hubby like a hawk. Kill people to make sure that DNA sample is tainted or run away or move someplace with your sister bride where this is socially acceptable. West Virginia. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh my God, please tell me all the stories aren't this crazy. Um, you're like, oh, girl, you're on the wrong podcast, though. Yeah, they're not great. Okay, you know what? I'm down. Like, I know it's not happening to me, so that's why I feel good. Yeah. Some people get, I used to say, oh my God, you're getting secondhand stress and people are

like Morgan, that's fucking empathy. Oh my God, am I just an empath? Yeah. Oh my, I'm just an empath. Yeah. Oh my. Such an accomplishment for you. I know it really is. It's an honor and a privilege.

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This one is. Wendy Williams is shaking right now or like Mori or whoever. Mori. Yeah. Who's the other one? Jerry Springer, Rustin Pies. Did he die?

I'm pretty sure he's dead. Oh my God, I met him. He was so nice. Wait, really? Yeah. You read and I'll look up of Jerry Springer's dead. Oh. Not to break this news to you, but whoopsies.

Yeah, he died April 27, 2023. Oh my God. Like recently, a few months ago, damn. I thought that was like, honestly, within the last month. Time is offline. It's really blind. Damn, he was such a little cute. He was really nice.

Really. I'm so nice. One of the nicest celebrities I've met. Yeah, him and Mark Cuban. Cool people. Mark, he's the shark tank guy. Yeah. I'm like, I've got really about yeah him and Mark Cuban cool people. Oh, he's the shark tank. Yeah, I'm like I've gotten really about it knowing who people are like I used to be such a celebrity stand like in my

Delaware era when I grew up like there was no famer entertainment industry. Okay, and so I'd always be like, oh celebrities like whoa and now that like I'm on the set side of it I'm like okay. I don't care. I don't know who people are. I just like know all of their names weirdly, but I turn on them wrong. Oh, that's a given. Like, there's not a name I can't pronounce correctly. No, I forget every name and then people get mad at me. So this one is posted from Puddle's Puddled.

It is titled, Am I the asshole for calling my friend an idiot for wanting a maternity test? How long ago was this posted? This one has been posted on 223-2022, so. I was like within the last year. A year before Jerry Spinger died. Oh, sorry.

My friend Dan recently found out he might be a father. I say might because the girl he's been having an on-slaunch off relationship with, Kara is pregnant, and he's not sure if he's the dad. She offered to get a paternity test once the baby is born and doesn't expect any kind of support until they find out if the baby is his. He's on board with that and appreciates that she's not pushing him in a fatherhood if the baby isn't his. Yeah, that's respectful.

The issue is that when he was talking to me about it, he also said he wants to get a maternity test done to make sure the baby is hers. Kara is visibly pregnant. We know she's pregnant because she did a maternity photo shoot and posted it on social media. So it's obvious she's not faking being pregnant. We've both seen her in person too, and she's most definitely pregnant.

However, Dan believes that the baby might not be hers. I tried to explain to him that that's not how biology works. I was gonna say, I might call him an idiot. She says. And unless she got an embryo implanted in her, she's definitely the mother. Yeah. She's a waitress and works for minimum wage plus tips.

So I doubt she has the money to afford embryo implantation. Plus, it's ridiculous to think that she'd do all of that just to baby trap a guy who is unemployed and living with his parents at 32. Well, these people brought the car facts. Plus, he's never donated sperm. He's genuinely convinced that the baby might not biologically be hers, despite not only me, his mom, and our other friends explaining that that's not how babies slash pregnancy

work. Denial is a river in Egypt. He's still insisting on a maternity test and told me that I was being ridiculous and that I'm the one who doesn't understand biology, despite me studying to be an autopsy pathologist, which has required quite literally years of biology classes. I got fed up and called him a senseless idiot and told him to call me when he got his headscrewed a back on straight.

Period. Ever since then, he's been spamming my phone and has gone a couple of our friends to spam me as well, telling me I'm being insensitive and he's been spamming my phone and has gone a couple of our friends to spam me as well Telling me I'm being insensitive and he's just stressed about possibly being a dad So am I the asshole for calling my friend an idiot? No, he sounds like a fucking flat-earth or he does sound like a flat-earth Er, like what no if someone was like you're being an idiot over if the she's the mom. Google is free.

I mean, common sense is fucking free. I'm really confused. He seems like he's just really stressed about this and is like, in denial, literally. He seems in denial. Yeah, like 32, like that's a decent time to become a dad. I think so. Like, blessed me in denial. Yeah, like 32, like that's a decent time to become a dad. I think so. Like bust me into skies.

But neither of them sound like they are ready, like financially to be a parent. It is. It's fun. But at least he lives at home. His parents can help babysit. That's so true. Yeah, I tell my mom, I'm like,

you're gonna move in with me, lady. I'm not doing this. Suddenly she's like, hey, I'm moving to a portofino. Goodbye. She told me absolutely not. Yeah, I would only play her. I said, I'm done parenting. I said, I'm not having kids otherwise. We made a deal.

She goes, okay, I'll live with you for the first year. And I'm like, okay, cool. Oh my God, what? And the fucking shark tank is out. But I, of course, you met Mark Cuban. He's probably like, I love you. And for those reasons I'm in. Yeah, this is wild. I am so confused by this. I don't understand if he just like

thinks people are kind of like chickens where like you have to sit on the egg or like shove it up your vagina and then that's how it like hatches. I don't know. I don't get his depending. I don't get his stupidity either. Like I think the friend was being really kind by calling him a senseless idiot. Honestly, I think there is a lot more that I could have called him based off of just this little. I would agree. Then yeah.

The top comment on this one is tell him that to help with his stress you found a free maternity test. Stand in a delivery room and see if a baby shoots out of her hoo ha, not the asshole. Hope the baby inherits the mom's intelligence. I mean, yeah. If I were the mom, I'd be like, I'm not carrying this through if you're this fucking stupid. Honestly, like, common sense is not super common. No, it's really rare. I'm finding. I understand the paternity test because that's the only variable.

Unless she was a wealthy woman who could get an embryo transplant. But if she's a weight risk, making minimum wage. I don't even know how much is an embryo transplant. I mean, I would think like thousands, like 10, 50, like 10,000, 50,000. It's probably gonna be like, I'm just scared. 2500.

The average cost for a frozen embryo transfer is 3,000 to 5,000. If you plan on using an egg donor, which would be the case for her, the overall cost will be higher from 25,000 to 30,000 for just one cycle. So that's if you use someone else's. Which is what he's concerned about.

Got it. So I was gonna say, okay, she could have done the 3,000 to 5,000. Like, you know, that's save up a bull. Yeah, I've probably made that a month of surveying with like one of my good restaurants. Yeah, like that's doable, but 25, I don't think. 30K is like some people's yearly salaries.

Like that's a lot of money for some people. She's using that to pull a fast one on him. I just don't see that. And also if she's gonna pay that, why wouldn't she just let someone else carry the baby? Honestly, I think if she was gonna do that, you think she would baby trap someone. Like if I was gonna baby trap someone,

it would be a billionaire. Like point blank purier. Like why would it be this guy that's 32 living at home with his parents, which nothing wrong? Not to shame, but that wouldn't be my first choice, especially given the status of his IQ. I couldn't agree more. Yeah.

That is, you're not the asshole, doll. No. You're not. No, I would have thrown a book at him. A book. Yeah. Which I would have started with like a rock minimum. Maybe that'll knock something into his head. Okay. This one was a little tame to kind of give

us a break before this next one. No. I was like, okay, we really did just start off hot. Okay. Now we're getting heavy. Another one of this week's partners is PDS debt. I'm sure there's a lot of you out there that wish paying off debt was easier, simpler, more transparent. Well, that's where PDS debt could come in. They have customized 0% interest options for anyone struggling with credit cards, personal loans, collections, or medical bills, with interest rates rising and the cost of living just being crazy. Now could be a great time to start addressing your debt. So, stop waiting and

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Take back your financial freedom today by visiting pds.com slash THT. Trigger warning for this one you guys, it is the coconut story again, but I thought Chris's reaction would be incredible just knowing him and it's not gonna disappoint if you can handle it. Have you ever heard of the Reddit coconut story? Okay, so there is an infamous story. That's why I don't go on Reddit, honestly I'm traumatized.

Yeah, this is not great. So there's a story about a coconut on Reddit? Yes, so it is. I have like another story that plays off of it, so I have to give you the background first. Oh, god. And the listeners, you're going to be like, Morgan, you read this. I did. I gave it to Bree and Grace a couple of weeks ago.

But I think Chris' reaction is honestly going to be 1,000% worth here in it twice. I don't know, guys. Is that all I am to you, a just a little clown? Dance my bitch ass. Get it right in. Get it right in. Get it right in.

Okay, so this is a little vintage. It's from the Tiffu subreddit, which stands for Today I Fucked Up. Oh God, I live on that one. And it's called Today I Fucked Up by coming into a coconut. Anyways, around eight years back, I lived in Northern Zambabic, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate.

My mother at the time was going through a health nut phase, and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of those was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market. Anyways, one afternoon I hear that my mother is going out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horney me decides that it would be fantastic to fuck a coconut. Honestly, to this day, I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea, but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged. I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20-ish minutes of concerted effort, end up

creating a whole, large enough for me to stick my porker into. Might not, I mean, come on, any other word besides porker. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing, some butter, but four shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good, so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed, and continue about my day. For the next week, the coconut is my savior. Whenever I want to get off, I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight

hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter, acting as a lubricant. I'm gonna throw up. I am on an empty stomach right now and I am going to vomit. I mean, not the idea of fucking a fruit because like, listen. Have you tried it? No, I can say that honestly. I understand it is what I'm saying.

Honestly, I would try it. Like after, call me by your name, I was like, have I thought about multiple times fucking like an orange or a... A cantaloupe would be my first choice. A feature something. Whoa, you're so fucking right. A I can't a little bit of my first choice. A feature something. Whoa, you're so fucking right. I can't a little bit of 100% of your first choice.

You're so fucking, like see, so like I get that. Yeah. But it's like, it's an interesting thought. Bro, empty it out at least. Like after each time. Yeah, like that's what I'm getting grossed out on. Yeah.

It's like he's like, it's filling up more and more with my coming butter and. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I had been using it pretty much every day since then. I began to notice a few more flies than usual, as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. You must be the coconut, right? No ship, Bill. So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.

Worst mistake I ever made. You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently in hindsight a Nearly perfect place to lay eggs as I penetrate the coconut one last time I began to feel a strange Riggling sensation puzzled I pull my cock out discovered that it is Covered in rotted and moldy butter and semen and teeming with tiny fucking mech.

I might actually vomit. I might like literally vomit. That is so. Oh my god. That is like so repulsive. Oh my god. That is worse than the fucking your sister's story. Hands down.

And no, they're actually both pretty bad. That is. Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm the rest. No, I need to hear the rest. I've heard I feel like the worst part unless I have him. They were wriggling all over my dickhead and some were to try try to force their way up into my ear. That's what I was worried about. That's what I was worried about. Holy. What I don't get is something like a coconut is very replaceable. It's such a sustainable little flashlight. Get a new one. Are they expensive? I don't know, but so is getting a dick replacement because maggots lit up your urethra. Literally, they use maggots in hospitals.

I'm gonna throw up. To eat dead flesh. Oh, even worse. Ugh. Ugh. Oh. It's the worst day of your life. This is really up there. worse Oh Day of your life this is really up there. I think I need it to you. Oh my god. I need a fucking lobotomy

That's raw Like the second that they were flies in my room. I would be like, it's the coconut time to get rid of it. I don't know why I bothered with makeup today. Oh my god, I don't know why I bothered with coming here today. Oh fuck. I mean, what the fuck? Okay, so how did it end? Is he now a maggot? That's it.

But... So this is like a viral story on Reddit. So viral. So like a lot of people tried it after him. No! Yeah. Oh, they tried it but like didn't keep it for weeks. I don't think a lot of people like kept it.

Yeah, I'm dumb. Okay, good. But like one person was like, today I fucked up by not listening to a tiff you post and getting my dick stuck in a coconut. And that person even draw a picture of what it looked like when their dick got stuck in the coconut. So we had a nice visual for that. Wow, you should get your dick checked out, bro. I mean, all of these people should. So the next story I'm going to read that continues off this is someone that doesn't even have a dick.

And fucked a coconut? Continues off this is someone that doesn't even have a dick and fuck to coconut. It's titled today I fucked up by being creative with a coconut despite being penisless. Okay, let's just all brace ourselves for impact I'm gonna stay in a mistake. I'm gonna stay in a mistake. Whatever. You're killing it. Oh my God. Okay. So as with the trend continues with bad decisions with coconuts, here I am. As everyone has undoubtedly read already,

someone screwed up masturbating with a coconut and others got curious with it too. Initially, I laughed at it, wondering how anyone could screw up this, but eventually that humor turned to curiosity and that curiosity turned to a challenge. Not me buying a coconut on the way home. Like, I do have a drill.

The challenge being, I do not have a penis. I used coconut for lube before and frankly, it's smooth, comfortable, and smells great after. For whatever reason, either it being an echo chamber or how combined stupidity seems less stupid, I've decided to overcome said challenge by creating a makeshift dildo. I started off by hammering the coconut and then later reshaping or cutting the coconut into a more insertable shape. This is where things probably started to go wrong. My first whack at it, the shape, in my opinion,

came out perfect. Small, rounded, kind of like a thin triangle with a rounded edge. What? So straight to the bathroom I go, giggling at this stupid challenge slash experiment. I start off rubbing it slowly on me to get into the mood mood and honestly the smell of coconut, the confusion to the whole situation, it turned me on. With vigor and reckless abandon, I decided to be braver at it and try the tip. The hair of the fruit brushing against me as I played around more gave a new weird sensation and as I pushed harder in slowly,

but surely that fruity snack sank in Uh-huh, okay Sure, I'm so confused on how she reshaped a coconut, but like they're very solid. They're very solid and Very round. Yeah. How big is this woman's vagina? Some people get fisted. I guess, but this versus a coconut is like four of these.

I don't know. Is it a coconut like this big? I think there's different breeds of coconuts. Oh, okay, that's stupid of me. This is where my mistake to happen. The dried coconut on the... Yeah, this is where the mistake happened, for sure. The dried coconut on the outside may have felt nice,

but when it popped in, the sensation was odd, disgusting. And I guess, crawly, creepy? Anyway, it did not feel good. In a rush to start over, I yanked the thing out as fast as possible. Mistake 3. This is where I strike out. Turns out the coconut wasn't all that smooth.

There were tiny cracks and sharp edges I failed to take account for, along with the hair of the coconut, creating tiny friction against my insides. One of the edge caught on and tore me a new one. I now have a painful tear in my unmentionables and I can't explain it to anyone. Oh now she calls them her unmentionables please. Now that you've shoved a raw coconut in there, only unmentionables. At first it was like the period from hell but it gets worse. For the whole day, anytime I tried to pee, a searing pain would come through reminding me of my stupidity. Walking is also an issue. I was basically

a penguin. I believe I'll recover, but now the whole hype of this has washed out. I realize the shame I feel will never stop. Nor shut it. No, electric chair. I mean, no, I think she suffered enough with the coconut. But see, this is the person I need a drawn diagram for. Like, what did this, was it just a piece of a coconut? Like, she just like beat the shit out of it until she found a piece that was rounded? I'm wondering if it was like, almost like a sliver. You know how when you cut canelobe, you can cut like a triangular. Oh, yeah, yeah, that and then was like rubbing it and then decided to shove it up

Thinking like the curve of it made hitter g-spot or something. I don't I don't know Wow I just don't have anything to respond. I'm pretty Yeah, shocked Well, and I'm trying to see if this person posted a picture like the other one did it when you know their dick got stuck But there's no diagram for us on this Probably for the best yeah, I like would love to know what the fuck she's talking about. Yeah someone else how old are you? It was me. I was like how the fuck older you they were 19 at the time of doing this

This is this one's pretty old too. Well 19 like, I feel like an age where it's like, okay, I'm gonna expect a lot of fruit. Well, especially like 19, you might not like be comfortable enough to buy a sex toy yet. Exactly. Like that's what I'm talking about. It's like you have to get crafty, but still the fuck? I know, it's bad.

It's crazy. Someone else is like, don't put things in your vagina that aren't supposed to be in there. Just trying to save you some trouble. Coconut oil is a great lube. It 100% is. Yeah, it is. But an actual coconut for pleasure in yourself, just no.

And OP goes, hey, I know that now. Honestly, stupidity is infectious. Ah, poor choice of words for my predicament. That is, That's crazy. Top comment on this one is step one. Get a coconut. Step two. Avoid the mistakes the other OPs made. Step three. Fuck the coconut. Four question mark question mark question mark question mark. Five. Today I fucked up. I

question mark five today I fucked up. I think there was one person that I saw too that escalated from watermelon. Oh, I can imagine that feeling. Yeah. It's like today I fucked up reading a comment about fucking a watermelon on a post about fucking a pineapple. No, a pineapple you should just know better. No. And that's what I want to go back to on my coconut. What? No, with a pineapple though, what if you took out that stock? And then you had the tunnel. I need more ideas like this, like a third fucking leg. I think a pineapple especially,

that actually could feel great. An overly ripe one I think would be supportive, but also squishy. Why am I contemplating doing this now? Like, why am I seriously in my head? I think you should do a YouTube series about the different types of fruit and rate them. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, well. I think it's, yeah, but that's like pretty good.

You fucking shared you're getting your asshole wax. This would be, that is true, but- This would be perfect for you. Yeah, but there's different, but we like, showing something we all got and then like, showing my literal third leg. Well, but there's different, but we're showing something we all got, and then showing my literal third leg. Well, no. You know, like.

You're not putting it on porn. So try just do it and not film it, and then get the reward. Yeah, and then you just rate them. Yeah, I think that would be the final nail in my coffin on YouTube. Like I think they'd be like, we have to legally delete this channel.

They do monetize you? No, but they just fucking hate me. Do they really? Well, I can't talk about anything with weed. Like, if you say anything positive about marijuana, they're like, aren't, and I'm like. It's because they haven't shut us down yet. I'm like, okay, but people can talk about

their Xanax perceptions, go off like this. Yeah. Anyways, back to the coconut. Yeah. I don't to the coconut. Yeah. I don't understand how that didn't hurt his dick. The initial barrier, like the outside, like that's not a soft circle. No, so I was wondering if he overcarved the top and then like really played with it inside. Yeah.

Okay. That's kind of the math. This is where I'm at now, great. Yeah. Doing the logistics of coconut fucking. I think they're important questions to ask. I really do. I think sometimes just to put our minds at peace a little,

you kind of have to evaluate every angle, every edge. I don't know, I guess. Clearly this poster didn't evaluate every single edge. No, I just don't. I really am kind of wondering the size of his penis because drill bits, like. I was thinking the same, like, don't get that bit.

When I was like, oh, if I got, like, when I made the joke of like, oh, I'm thinking about getting a coconut, I was like, I don't even know what drill bit I would use. No, like there's, especially if it's a handheld drill. I think drill and not it. I think the biggest one I have is this. And like, that's cute, I don't think

my thumb could fit into that. So I'm wondering if he created the initial hole and then went, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I was like, so I could fuck it. No, it was an old candle pot that I was drilling a hole into. Okay, keep telling everyone that. Okay, let's say I will not be strung along with these idiots. Okay, I'm dumb, but not this fucking stupid. Yeah, it says.

Why do I want to fuck a fruit now? I wish I had a dick. If I had a dick, I would million percent would. If I had a dick, I would pull it out and piss on him. I would do it. I would try that too. Yeah, honestly, a watermelon sounds really enjoyable because like you push watermelon in it like dissolves.

Like crushes. Yeah. Be hydrating. Mm-hmm. Probably good for your skin. Yeah. There's a lot of watermelon face mess nowadays. I know.

Glow recipe high. Well, and people, they talk about seeming being good for facials too. So like watermelon plus your gizz after, like this could be. This could be the new. Anything. The new grind of paljo skin routine. I just smelled one of her perfumes yesterday.

Was it her Pussy one? It's literally labeled, this is what my vagina smells like. The giant of smells like what did it smell like? Amazing. I really, I'm gonna go stop at the bleaker goop store and get it after this. Is there a bleaker goop store? Yeah, it's stop at the bleaker goop store and get it after this. Is there a bleaker goop store?

Yeah, it's right at the bleaker train stop. Do you want me to drive you there? You drove here? Yeah, I have a car. Where'd you park? Around the corner. Oh my God. There's always parking.

It's always overpriced, but there's always parking. Actually, I need to see if they're charging my damn car. They always say, oh yeah, we'll charge your car and then I get back and it's like, has less power. I'm like, did you go go somewhere? Yeah, they took a fair drive. They just went, back and it's like, as last power, I'm like, did you go, go somewhere? Yeah, they took a fair draw right? They just went, whoop.

Okay, cute, they are. Okay, moving along. How many more left? I'm like, just tell me what we got. That was only number three. No, the first one truly was the worst. I think so. Like, these other ones are just like, what an idiot.

That first one was like, what an idiot? Yeah. That we, and we're the same species. Like that was pretty. Well, it depends on how bad we wanna keep going. I'll let you, I'm down. I'm down. I'm here for the ride.

I've really, you've embraced it now. I've embraced it. I still will probably like be on the verge of throwing up. Okay. Well, this one's about a fetish. Okay, let's hear it. Okay. What's the weirdest fetish you've heard of? Oh, God, whenever anybody asks me if like a super

lit up, I'm like, my brain goes blank. It's like, I'm like, maybe after hearing it, you'll be like, oh, I thought, yeah, I'll think about while you tell the story so we just don't have hours of dead air. Okay, cool. So this one is nine days old. It's very recent. Oh, she's fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh. Fresh. It's coming from off my chest. No. It is titled, My Partner has Death Grip Syndrome,

and I actually like it. Ooh. Yeah. My partner has Death Grip Syndrome, which effectively means he has to squeeze his dick too hard while masturbating. So, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought this was like a choking fetish or something.

Holy shit, he's death gripping his dick. For so long, pretty much nothing else can make him come. At first, it made me insecure. I hated feeling like I couldn't make him come. I dreamed of one day being enough for someone to actually come inside me. But after figuring out what it was and talking to him, I put it in his hands to fix the problem. They're so proud of that.

I don't have an issue with masturbation or even porn to some degree. But if you wanted to fix it, he'd likely have to be abstinent and retrain himself. I wasn't going to mother him into that, so I told him do it or don't. In the meantime, I decided if we were going to have sex, I was going to enjoy it. The problem wasn't me. He lasts forever. He loves giving head and because of his death grip syndrome, he can go round after round. I don't give head or anything very much because it's not enough for him, but I offer regularly. I offer a lot actually, but he hasn't seemed to be able to do anything but come on my tits with his own right hand. I get off four to five times and he gets off maybe once.

I would like if I were this dude, I would want to retrain this shit. Like it just doesn't seem sustainable. Sounds like a lot of energy. Sounds like a lot of work. Maybe Daffodot, he doesn't always choose to finish himself off. It's his problem and I've stopped letting it make me sad. He still likes having sex. he participates and initiates. It's kind of nice.

In fact, I really like it. Pull out method works great this way and use oral birth control as well. But this is a great secondary method. It's not an actual method. Don't use the pull out method. Because how you get pregnant. That is literally how you get pregnant.

There are no chances for accident, yes sir. Well, I don't know about that. There's only chances for accident. I've given him the ground to speak for what he wants and if he doesn't want death grip, syndrome, he can work through it. But in the interim, I pretty much have unlimited great sex with little to no risk of pregnancy.

I have to say, this makes me happy. Good for her. They found each other, look at them. They found each other and like, beautiful. Wow, he like actually makes a woman finish. Multiple times. Four to five times. Like good for him, honestly.

I love this. That was, Darius, say refreshing. I will say has this man heard of a caulking? Oh my gosh, they're so good. I got the best one recently that like goes under and over and has like a little like... Under and over what? Oh, the sack.

I'll pull up my Amazon order. Ooh! Oh my God, I love that you supply caulk rings to the masses. Yeah, I do. Do you have one that I could take over the city back? Well, you're gonna want this after. you supply caulk rings to the masses. Yeah. Do you have one that I could take over the goodie back? Well, you're gonna want this after. No, I really might. I think I need to start having toys for people actually,

because the girls I was talking about, like the favorite vibrator I keep by and everyone, and me and all my friends. And they were like, damn, you should've gave that to us as a party gift. I'm so excited to see this. It's actually crazy. Okay, so this is what it looks like.

And it's got a little shaped banana at the top for extra stimulation. Oh my God. Okay, so yeah, I've definitely had one that is like this. But doesn't have the top part. No, it doesn't have the top vibrator part. Yeah. But the vibrator part was like on behind the ball.

On the ball. So it would like get your or taint or whatever. And it really is enjoyable. Yeah, I think you could reverse that one. That's lit though because you got a cock ring and the girl gets a nice little clip rob. Yep. Genius is impeccable.

Best of everything. Really is. Okay, I'm gonna have to get that. Yeah, also need a link. I'll post it. I can't. I can't post it in my screen. I'm a such a short front. Well, here need a link. I'll post it. I can't I can't post it. It's on my Amazon store front. Well, here's the problem. I did post the link for the vibrator on the YouTube description on one of the videos and

YouTube was not happy with you and you're in YouTube hell with me. Yeah, YouTube. I'm your leader. Oh god. So yeah, I can't post the link, but oh my god. That is epic. I'll share the name and you can easily find it on Amazon. The top comment on this post is I've had some partners with death grip. It takes a long time for them to get off and they got to beat their dick like it owes them money. Their feelings about it are varied. Some of them are like, I'm a sex machine. But others are super bummed about it. It's a strange thing.

I would be bummed about it. Any guy going, oh, the sex machine, run the other direction, run any direction. If you, would you do this to someone, or would you be scared? I just honestly, like, I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm. I'm scared. I'm. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm scared. I'm. I'm. I'm scared. I'm. I'm. for sex to be a workout.

Death grip for that long. I know, my hand would cram. Like I have carpal tunnel or I'd write this one of them or both, honestly. I think I might have both. And I don't, like it's not that I wouldn't not want to do it because I've hurting them. I don't want to strain my arm from them. No. I wouldn't even do that for myself.

No, it would hurt. It would hurt. It's like a lot of like a, and then what? You have to like work the head. Like I just don't get it. No. Tell this person to fucking take two weeks off. Yeah.

Or like five days. Yeah, just. I don't know. This just doesn't seem sustainable for the dude. No. Does he realize he could be doing so much less? That's the thing with that man. Yeah.

Like, they could be doing so much less than they have no idea because their ego and pride gets in the way. Yeah. I'll say it till the day I die. I think the one where you need to get kicked in the balls to come is probably my most interesting one I've heard. Ooh. That's a thing.

Mm-hmm. Oh my god, I sit on one of my nuts wrong. And I'm like, whoa, it's the end. There's a thing. Oh my god, I sit on one of my nuts wrong. And I'm like, whoa, it's the end. There's the light. And I'm coming not on it towards it. Like I, I mean, kicking the ball to come. Yeah. Balls, unless I'm speaking of Lancer, I'm sure.

Wow, that's crazy. Yeah. And then I think the horse one where they dress up as like a little horse with a ball gag in their mouth and get whipped, I think that's like probably more normal than like these two. There's some really fun ones. Well, and the whole time I'm realizing I didn't think of a single kink that I think is like. I'm so vanilla. I just am fascinated by all of them.

I'm not like vanilla, but I'm like, I'm like a black and white milkshake, you know, I'm not like fully crazy. I like to starfish. But I'm starfish. Oh, just lay there. Who doesn't? Anybody who says that they don't like to lay there? They're lying. Or it's lying. I'm not saying you have to lay there every time, but like.

Sometimes I'm generous. Oh my God. Yeah, and sometimes it's fun to like be kinky and shit. But it's like a lot of times pop's tired. That's such a gross term to use as we're talking about sex. Pop is tired. But like, no, I mean, I just don't understand when people are like, I hate when people just lay there. You've never done it. You've never just sat there

and said, wow, is this Christmas morning or what? Yeah. Bye. Yeah. I love a starfish. Oh, same here. Another one of this week's partners is ZockDock. Have you been on the hunt for a new provider lately? How's that going for you? Have you been asking everyone you know if they have a good doctor?

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Zock.com slash THT. Have you repooped yourself? Girl, I've done it in a YouTube video that I posted to... I was dying my hair leopard print and I thought it was a fart. See, it always happens because I trust the fart. If there's anything I should trust less, wait. Huh? I don't get the, I don't understand why I was going that. I trust the fart way too much and I really should not. I don't. I really don't trust my heart.

No, you're smart. You're smart. I always hold them in. I think that's a big part of why I don't fart in front of people really, because I don't trust mine, because a lot of times I'll just go pee and think it's a fart and it's all of a sudden. No, there's definitely times where I know exactly what it's going to come out of I fart out of it. And then I don't do it. Yeah.

I mean, obviously. So this is also from off my chest, but it's from a listener. She sent me the link to it this morning. Oh my God, I'm obsessed that you're like listeners. Yeah. I'm proud for these things too. Yeah, because I was asking them, I'm like, what's the worst? Can I be your compost?

This is fun. You can come on whenever you want. Oh my God. Anytime. I'm lit. This is like fun. I once I got past the initial shock, I'm like, it's fucking go. Next time I might come a little stoned, but down. I've never done a gummy episode. I would 100. You'd be the perfect one to do it. I would I wouldn't be able to read. I'd

laugh my ass off. Oh my god. I'll read. I mean, no, you saw me read on my podcast. You did a great job. No. You did really good. Really good. Chris read an amazing story about Pedro Pascal getting pink eye from letting his fans reenact his death scene on Game of Thrones, which I like didn't know anything but wow that's and then you were the one who did the math that meant his fans had shit on their hands. Shit, poop or didn't wash them and had some sort of bacteria. That's so fucking gross. I called someone out the other day and they like walked out of the bathroom. Like a stranger?

No family member. Okay. And they walked out of a bathroom and I didn't hear the sink go and I go, do you wash your hands? It's like no, and I was like, After the three years we just had? I'm like, you need to go back in there.

And they were like, well, I didn't really touch anything besides my dick. And I go, what if you touched another person next? Like, what if someone went to shake your hand and you would just touch your dick? I don't know why guys think their dick is clean. No. Like it's sitting pretty next to your butthole.

And it's just like, it's sweaty. Yeah. Like, no, 100%. We sweat. I really appreciate it COVID, because no one shook hands, and now this trip, I like, I'm shaking hands again. I'm like, what's up with the elbow?

I know. I loved the elbow, loved the foot. The foot tap? Did you actively use that one? Yeah, I loved the foot tap. Why do we not, I never had to do that. Just a, ooh. Oh, that's cute.

It's so fucking cute. It's like a little secret hand. Yes, but parents are. Yes. Or what is that? Yeah, parent trap. Parent trap. Parent trap.

Oh my god, it was so cute. Yeah, so I love the foot tab. I want to bring that out. And now everybody's shaking hands. I'm like, yeah. Get your nasty sausage fingers away. And I can say like, it's sausage fingers, but I, ooh, his sausage fingers, but I

Yeah, no, I don't not into it. We got to stop that. Okay, so this one. It's posted eight months old But she gave it to me and this is off the chest. Yeah, and she said she was like reddit It didn't blow up. She only got two upvotes on it, which means like no one saw it. Oh, okay Is upvote me in like a like? Yeah. Yeah. I'm Chris and I'm a boomer. What is that? What's an up vote? I like it.

It is titled, I carried my own poop in my bag for nearly 10 miles. Holy shit. Wow. What an interesting time to take a sip of a freshly open look Roy. When I 23 female was 18, I had a summer job working as a cashier at a large supermarket. I spent most of my nights at my boyfriend's parents' home in a smaller town, about a 20 minute drive away. And one morning he wanted to wake

and bake. And he didn't have work until the evening. And as I didn't have work until just after midday, I thought, fuck it. I'm gonna do what Chris did and take it in the studio. I was trying to be so slick, not that you do monetize. I'm like doing downward dog under the table, just trying to get him off. Shit, and then I'm hearing that, just cackling.

My mouth is drooling like Jesus Christ. So we hit the bong and then went to the kitchen to have a full English breakfast. As I was my dream morning routine. A full English breakfast, by the way, those get shit on way too much. Those beans phenomenal. She says that as I was finishing off my baked beans, I saw the time and realized I had just over 10 minutes to get the bus home and in time for work. So I ran to get my things and quickly used the bathroom. Turns out I needed the biggest shit of my life, which was refusing to flush down his tiny ass toilet. I was running out

of time till my bus and I had to think fast. My first thought was to wrap it in a toilet roll, which was a huge fail as it just absorbed the water and stuck to the poo. Yes, I had to pick it up with my hands. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ooh, ooh. I was planning to wrap it up and put it next. I was planning to wrap it up and put it in the bin next to the toilet. Did she just not want to have her boyfriend see her shit? Yeah.

But I immediately realized how disgusting that would have been. Next, I thought I should throw it out the window. But what if it lands in the gutter? His bedroom is in the attic. Or even if it didn't, someone in his family would just go out there and just find a human poo on the garden floor. I was really starting to panic at this point as I was so close to missing the bus, which would have meant being late for work. I was high as fuck. So I was freaking out even more than I usually would. And I couldn't think of any way out of the situation. When I checked

my phone, I had no time left. So I grabbed a t-shirt out of my bag, one of my favorites, RIP, wrapped it around the giant shit and with wet toilet paper stuck to it, and ran downstairs to find my boyfriend waiting to say goodbye. He was probably wondering what was taking me so long. There was no way I'd be giving him a hug and a kiss with a whole poop in my bag. So I ran out the door shouting how I was going to miss my bus and reached the bus

stop, which was fortunately right outside his house. Now, it was a sunny, hot day in July. I had a fat shit in my bag and I was stood at the bus stop baked as a cake, freaking out about how everyone on the bus is going think I smell of shit. Yeah. It's just gonna cook in my bag because it was already so hot and the little bus will be like an oven. But also a t-shirt isn't like a plastic bag. It's just gonna get wet and shit covered and stain everything in your bag. Yeah, you should have just asked for a plunger. You should have just said babe, take care of it.

There was no way to discard my poop while I waited for the bus. And I barely had a minute till it arrived. So I couldn't just chuck a t-shirt full of poop outside my boyfriend's parents' home. And even if I did, my boyfriend would have known it was my t-shirt. And God forbid, pick it up, thinking I dropped it

by accident, thought, thought, thought. So I get on the hot sweaty bus, high, paranoid, and certain everyone could smell the shit in my bag. And now I'm wondering how I'm going to talk to my mom when I get home, when I'm super blazed, and smell like shit. I get home and run straight upstairs and shout down that I'm going to be late for work. I jump in the shower, put on my uniform,

and I'm immediately out the door, barely speaking to my mom. The supermarket I work at is about a 30 minute uphill walk from my house. I'm still high. It's really hot outside, and as I'm 10 minutes in the walk, I realize I still have a fucking shit in my handbag, my own fucking shit, in my fucking handbag. I was so determined to avoid my mom and get to work. My high ass didn't even think to take it out and dispose of it in my mom's toilet.

And now I'm nearly at Tesco and I still have poop in my bag. Unfortunately, the closest bin was right outside my work. So I put my whole bag in the bin and go to the staff room like nothing happened. I then spent the rest of the day scanning customers groceries, traumatized about what I'd been up to. And I've had to live with this information all my life and I've been too embarrassed to tell anyone. I guess I could have just told my boyfriend I couldn't.

I didn't have to. I guess I didn't have time to wait for it. But we were still fresh in our relationship, and I couldn't stand the thought of him getting rid of my giant shit. Well, I'm not even there. That seems like best-case scenario. Feels good to get that off my chest. Sorry for the long read.

Wow. There are so many times where I mean, this isn't great of me to say. In that scenario, I would use the litter card. I would, if I had a walk, I would have taken that t-shirt, put her to rest in a field forever and kept going. Honestly, it's not great, but neither is throwing away all of this. Yeah, including the bag.

I've thought she did, though, because that couldn't have been good. Still, no, to buy a hazard. If she was okay with throwing out the bag, I think that was the bad. I thought she did though because that couldn't have been good still. No, it's a biohazard. If she was okay with throwing out the bag, I think that was the move. I agree. Just start a new life, change your name, bring your fingerprints. Absolutely, you can't keep that anymore. I have a problem though with holding on to things. So I'm going to be honest and everyone will be probably grossed out by this even more.

Have you haven't done that? Did you write that? No. Okay. No, I haven't, haven't put myself yet. I've come really close on this trip though. You've never put yourself? No, because I don't trust my farts, so I really clenched. And like, I've had to like stop, clench, and deep breathe, and not move, and then I continue walking once the feeling passes. Wow, I'm trying to clench a fart right now, mate.

Okay. Don't trust it. No, I'm not. I can't do that in another video on YouTube. Come on. But I would be so sad to throw away my favorite t-shirt. I would have like on the walk somewhere, found a bush, taken it out,

like gave the t-shirt like a wave, like a rug, you know, when you're getting dust out of a rug. No, I know what you're talking about, when you're getting dust out of a rug. No, I know what you're talking about, but you would not do this. Yeah, and then I'd roll the back up, walk in a Tesco where I work, get a plastic grocery bag, go back outside

or in the staff bathroom and put it in the bag, tie it up, maybe multiple bags to layer it, and then I- I'm only washing. I just don't understand. I'm not wasteful. No, I get that, but like even when I shit my pants, I'm not keeping the underwear.

No. I'm not like, no. I mean, now I have like a utility sink at my house. So like, oh, those are so nice. Yeah, those are great. But like, I'm not washing my shit into my bathroom sink. That's even worse to me.

Yeah. Then it, what, spec, like, specling on my toothbrush? No. Well, getting in my drain, no. So here's the thing. No, that's a dad on arrival. There is a big movement to not use disposable diapers. So there's actually like fabric diapers

that have a washable lining. And so you just buy the little hose attachment for your toilet, aka a chattafa. And you, that's what they're called in the Middle East, apparently. I'm probably pronouncing it wrong again. And so you just take the diaper off your kid and hold it in the toilet and then spray it with the hose. And then after all the poop particles are off of it, then you wash it.

Um, yeah, I don't, I'm not for saving the earth. I don't know if that's the solution. I think like let's maybe start with taxing giant corporations. No, like that vibe. Absolutely. Absolutely. I would also just be scared that, like even when I wash my dishes in the sink and I use like the high pressure sprayer, like it sprays everywhere. It sprays you. That's what I'm saying is like,

I offer saving the planet. I'm all for also not having my house wallpapered and shit. Yeah. I, in that story, I don't understand why the girls didn't get a garbage bag. Normal bag. Like there had to have been, like your favorite, there had to have been a less favorite t-shirt available.

Like, honestly, or just, that's where I'm just like, if I were in that situation, I would not be like, oh my God, there's my favorite t-shirt. I think I would have thrown it out the window because 100% and then washed my hands and then never touched them again. People would have thought it was like a sick raccoon or something. Exactly. And if it's splatted and hit the ground, it would look like- Yeah. Bambi had diarrhea.

Yeah. I mean, I see a lot of shit on sidewalks in LA and it is very hard to tell if it's a dog or a human a lot of times. Sometimes you can clearly tell, but like a lot of times you can't. And like a big doberman, like that shit's like human, like they're big. They're big, yeah.

Those dogs that have like a three hand picker up are, I'm like, no, that's out of my capacity. I have a need a wrangler for that. Which you could have doggy styled this too. And like, I'm like, hey babe, can you give me like a grocery bag? And then like scooped it, reverse the bag. But that's what I'm talking about. Like, there was no trash bag in the kitchen.

She could have called down for, hey, I need a trash bag for work. Can you grab me one while I'm getting ready? Yeah. What do you need for? Oh, it's this TikTok trend for my hair. Yeah. Like, I mean, maybe I'm just like a literal pathological liar. Who knows?

But I just, I feel like there's ways to lie and not have him know what the jig is. Yeah, this sounds really bad, but I'm a really good, like, quick liar to strangers. Like for returns, you know, like I don't lie to like people I know, like I'm very truthful about that, but like, or I don't lie over anything like important. Exactly. But it's like, if it's just to like save two minutes of an awkward crime vote, I'm gonna. Or like to put Zara in their place, like, hey, sorry, no, this came actually with Makeup all over it.

Or like, no, my fat ass didn't break the zipper. I got it like that, bad quality. I don't think there's anything wrong with doing that two major corporations. Yeah, okay. I think if you're doing that to like a little monopod store. I don't do it though.

That's like shitty. No, if I buy stuff from Boatex, I don't even return it. Yeah, like if you're going to Target, sorry, that's what they've done. But I just saw there's like a clothing like desert hole that you can see from satellite. Now it's that big. And it's all of these fast fashion brands like she and that keep dumping all their stuff

in these areas. And it's literally got so much clothes in this area. Now you can see it from fucking space. That's awful. After finding that, I will not shop at she and like I've. I've never understood it. She-in is worse. I'm pretty sure I saw this like graphic like a little pie chart. She-in is worse than like Zara and H&M combined. Yeah. It's really bad. Well, it's crazy. There's no way like this is what drives me crazy about like the clothing

fashion industry. Yeah. And just like what it's become everyone, like a t-shirt costs a lot more than $5. If you don't want someone who's like under the age of 10 to make it. To make it. Like it costs like $30 to make a t-shirt and then to get a profit to maintain your business on top of that,

it's not close or not cheap and should not be cheap to make because they are very difficult. Yeah. And that is what I've never understood the sheen thing. I've heard that some of their fabrics literally have carcinogens in them. I've never understood it and I'm never to knock someone because I obviously know I'm in a very privileged place of my life and I don't need to shop at a place to get a deal. I can't afford it and I understand that that is a luxury. But there's people with jobs and salaries and shit

who are shopping, it's going out of fucking style at sheen and I'm like, why though? Like why? They come out with like, I don't remember what it was. It was like a staggering, I don't know why I just had trouble saying that. It was like a staggering amount of clothes, like a day or a week of like new clothes that they would. It's insane to me.

I don't even know how we go. Oh, the throwing away the t-shirt. Yeah. So I probably just was a hypocrite. But I'm sorry, I'm not saying I throw away my t-shirts, but if there was a t-shirt wrapping my shit up like a present, I would throw it out. Yeah, well, no.

I'd be able to have a hard time with it, but. Maybe I would go outside and hose it if I, that was like an option, you know. Yeah, I think that's doable for sure. Because when it's outside, I'm like, okay, it's nature. Oh, my boyfriend made me so sad the other day. And this is why I do kind of understand where she was like, I didn't want to call him up. But he told me he's like, I didn't want to tell you this.

And I don't even remember how it came up. But he's like, I've seen your poop that you left in the toilet before. And I'm like, no way. Why would he even say that? Just let that be a little secret and have it be casual. I know, I forgot how I came up. I saved it for when you're like, oh, I don't want you to see me poopy.

I know, I forgot. And then it's like, oh, I've already seen one. Yeah, we're still good. Yeah, well, to confront you about it is great. Oh, no, I think I did. I think he did. I think he did. I think it did come up like in something casual like that.

And he did say he's like, I was like, what? No. I was like, I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to embarrass you or hurt your feelings. Oh my God, I literally- You better trap us. I literally just put my face under the covers

and I'm like, no. But like the gag is everyone poops. It's not ideal to have people see you in size. I still don't believe it is me. I don't believe it is me. I think my dad used my toilet because I am very paranoid. I will stand there and like I'll flush four times and make sure it's gone before I walk out. So you're an ecotarrist. Interesting.

Yeah, but not as bad as she and because they leave about three point, no, six point three million tons of carbon dioxide a year. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. That is, like that should just be illegal. It should be. If you're making that much, like maybe you should get shut down. I think they should.

Wow, I'm shut by that. It's really bad. Another one of this week's partners is Babel. I recently took a trip to Mexico and wow, did it reignite my passion to learn and be fluent in Spanish. And because of Babel, that's actually a real possibility. With Babel, you can start learning a new language in as little as three weeks. So you can bet the next time I go to Mexico, I'm going to be speaking like a local. And I'm probably not alone in this language journey. One in five Americans has learning a new

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We're going to lighten things up a little bit here for our last couple. I'm going to do the, are you kind of in a like true crime or mysteries? I love. Oh my God. Okay. So we're going to end. I think with this one, we're going to end. I just was getting started.

Well, no, we got to, we got to. So this one is two days old and knowing you're a plant person. What kind of plants? Like houseplants are the other ones. Don't you have houseplants? Yeah. I just didn't know if you were talking about like the ones that I inhale a few minutes ago or you like all plants. You don't discriminate. Yeah, I'm a plant activist. So this one is titled, Am I the asshole for being pissed at my flatmate for taking plant cuttings without asking? This girl recently moved into our flat.

Within one month of her moving in, I had noticed that some of my plants looked like someone had taken a cutting. It was only one or two plants, but I didn't think anything of it. A week later, I noticed someone had taken a cutting from my pathos. This one only had four leaves. so now I have three left. The new baby leaf had been taken. I decided to ask everyone in the house about it. The new girl admitted to it.

I told her it's okay, but to ask next time. Fast forward three weeks, and more cuttings are missing. It's becoming noticeable, even on my mature plants that are quite full. I knew it was her doing this, but I had never seen what she was doing with them. Today, I had to return her lighter to her after I used it. She wasn't home, so I put it in her room,

and saw in the corner there was 15 pots with the cuttings from all different house plants, along with six bottles full of water with more cutlings in them Am I the asshole for being angry about this? I think I should confront her but my partner things. I should just let this go Confed her I'd be so I would give her an affiction letter This would make me go crazy Like because then like you're questioning your sanity. Like, I had a friend who's roommate,

like, was an actual kleptomaniac and would steal from all of them and like lie and hide about it. So they all had to- That's so stressful. It was. And like, she's permanently traumatized from it. She like, needed a lot of therapy. Oh my God.

I mean, I just think it's like rude to do without asking like so weird, especially one with three four leaves on it. Like you're going to kill the point. So is she like propagating them or whatever? Yeah, it sounds like it. I'd be like, find a new flat. You fucking freeloader. There is like plant groups where you show up and like you bring your own little plants

and like everyone like trades. And does like the little cut things. Just drawing one of those. It's not hard. I like accidentally stumbled upon one at a brewery one time. I was like really sad. It was in Minnesota because I wanted, there was this beautiful, I don't really know the name,

but I think it was like a Moncera, but it was like white. Whoa. It was so like white. Whoa. It was so... So... The albino, Monstera. Is that how you say it? I think albino or Monstera? That's like a word.

Monstera, I think so. This is what it looked like. It was like, I definitely know how to pronounce albino. It's so beautiful. It's so beautiful. It's so beautiful. And it was like mostly white with a little couple specs agreed. I love that.

And she would have given it to me, but I had to fly and I was like, I'll kill it. And I don't know how to propagate. Yeah, I don't either. That's the way it's on my list. I would love to learn, but it does seem like a full time job.

Yeah. And I just don't have that in me. Yeah. So I'd be pissed. This lady's probably stealing thousands, well, not even a thousand. Some plants are expensive. No, no, some plants are very, very well they're well good expensive.

I bought trees from my house and do our trees. Funny enough, they were $420. For one tree? For one tree? Oh my God. I did get deals because I'm a deal, deal deals kind of girl. I think I got them for like 350 each, which is still a lot, but it wasn't for 20.

So a win is a win. I recently was looking at trees because I really want to plant a fruitless olive tree at my house, like a big one. Yeah. And I don't want to wait for it to grow. And so I went to the nursery. Well, that's why mine was the more,

yeah, the bigger the more expensive nursery. Well, that's why mine was the more, yeah, the bigger the more expensive are. Yeah, that's why. So this one, I think it was like six years old or something. It was three grand for the tree. It's crazy. And at that point, I said, I'm going to stick an olive in the ground and see if it grows literally because you could get an embryo insertion for that price. You could have an olive tree put in you. You know, that's crazy that that's a comparable product. It's really crazy. Like you can have a kid or a tree. Take a pic. It's kind of It's kind of a tree.

Again right now you that's kind of crazy. No, that is. I remember when I lived in New York before, you know, those like, Fiddelleaf trees. Oh, I love them. This is my life. People are like, I knew of that artist before they were famous. I knew the Fiddelleaf before it was like hot and bad. Yeah, before pottery barn.

You got to hold a van. Yes, literally. I was like, oh my god, I was obsessed with it. I was like, I've never seen a tree like this because no one had them at the time, which was like so hard to imagine. Yeah. I remember going, I lived in New York. I remember going and lived in New York,

I remember going in the garden district. I was like broken in college still. Okay. They were like $800, $900 for these things. And I was like, of course the plant that I love is a grant. Oh, I'm what? And it wasn't even like, it was like a semi, like it had a trunk and some things things but like even the ones that weren't

We're like 300 bucks and I was and then you know I key has them for like $25 and I'm like I was really gonna say cool kind of the upside of something getting super popular I got mine at Costco for like 36 bucks. It was already big. Yeah, it was already big. Oh, I'm shook I have a I wonder if I have a picture for like 36 bucks and it was already big. Yeah. It was already big. Oh, I'm shook. I have a- I wonder if I have a picture. I like cried to some guy at one of the tree shops and I was like, please, I'm just so poor in college

and all I want is this tree. So he gave me like this tiny little like one that was like kind of, like should have been so much more and I skateboarded home with it. And then- Oh my god, talented. I'm totally forgetting about this story. I was skateboarding and as I'm skateboarding,

a guy opens his door and I crash into the door and I got in with the tree in my hand. No. I have a picture somewhere on some hard drive from a past iPhone of me skateboarding with the tree in my hand. Oh my god. It was so stupid and then the tree died

because my apartment got in a sunlight, so. Oh, that is heartbreaking. Yeah, I felt like six-foot-o-leaf figs. It's so sad. But I need to tell my dad to water my plants. Oh. Oh my god. So excited to see my plants. I just got the Holy shit. This is 29. I just got a ficus triangularus regardless. Oh my god. That sounds really bougie. It is, and it was pretty cheap. And I got four different trees out of it. Like, when I broke down the dirt and took it, I looked at it and I was like, there's like three to five st... Oh my God.

Trons. So I took it apart, put them all in different pots, and now I have a house full of trees, I'm obsessed. That's amazing. These are mine. Oh. Oh. And that's from January. That's not gonna leave you fucking better, words. There's amazing. These are mine. Oh. And that's from January.

That's not only if you fucking better words. I just saw the second one. I love the pot. This one's in. Yeah. That's from Loes. Loes is poppin' a wall. Everyone go to Loes over Home Depot. I don't know why I have beef with Home Depot, but

because I got literally accosted there, like multiple times. Yeah, they have worse options. They have worse, well, I do think they have more options. Really? I do, loads. Sometimes I'm like, okay, I think we could diversify a little. Wow, I'm obsessed with your plans. Yeah, there.

What's that one in the box in the front, the front and center? I don't know, I got it from my friend. His name is Edgar, his name is Edgar Allen Plant. Shot it. And I resuscitated him. He was not thriving. Isn't that like the most fulfilling feeling? I just bought a tree that was like dying.

And I'm like trying to get it back. And I'm like, I don't know if I'm doing it, but. Yeah, you'll get it. So exciting to like, you see like new growth. And you're like, they grow up so fast. I know it's one thing that like actually genuinely makes me happy these days. I get and apparently like soil has like depression, curing properties. Does it really? Is it the nitrogen in it?

I think I'm just huffing dirt. I don't know. That's what I've heard. But I've now that I have a house with like a yard, I've like gotten into gardening. Wow. It's so so cool. Like I literally, I'm yard, I've like gotten into gardening. Wow. It's so, so cool. Like I literally, I'm like, I want to become a farmer. I have a little farm. We used to do a garden with my great grandma. And we have carrots and potatoes.

And then you would ride your horse to the dairy queen and you got us all blizzards. Yeah, that was so good. I can't believe you rode your fucking horse to the dairy queen. Yeah, Chester, his name is. He's a little brown one. Is he so alive? Yeah. Yeah, he was born in 2002, so he's a little brown one. Is he so live? Yeah. Yeah, he was born in 2002, so he's 21 years old now.

How long do horses live? They can live to like 35, sometimes 40. Oh, I want to work so bad. You absolutely should get one. But then I'll give you all the lessons on how to take care of it. I see, but that's not easy. No, like, it's easy. I see TikToks of like people people who gives me chills thinking about it

when they like clip the hoof and stuff. I know, but I would be afraid that I would clip the tissue and then I would get like, you don't do it yourself. Oh, okay. You have a fairier come, it's kind of like getting your nails done, you call the horse nail person, which is fair. So what would I have to take care of them?

Just giving them a hand. We can talk after this, I'm sorry. I would not turn it, I would not turn it, I would not turn it, I would not turn it, I would not turn it into like, you just give some hay and water and like if you want to give them grain with special supplements like glucose mean for their joints and you know there's a bunch of special stuff. How much room do they need like a lot? Are they like pretty chill? I mean an acre too would be good

like so I can move around and they need a buddy so if you get a horse like you have to at least get more like a dung piece. Yeah. Have you seen Arnold Schwarzenegger? He has a house in Brentwood and he's got six acres and he's got a mini horse and a donkie And his TikTok videos with them I recently discovered and I have never been so obsessed with someone in my life Oh my god. I also want to get a goat Don't do the donkey over the go. Why? Goats have like really small pellet like poop like rabbits and they just poop, poop, poop, poop.

Thank you for that knowledge. That's poop, all right. You knew exactly what to tell me. All right. So to kill that dream. Or a pig. Donkey poop is easy. I want a pig.

Poppally pigs are cute. Mmm, I just want a farm. My neighbor is selling her house into Yoshi's said, and I'm on like just over half an acre. Bye. And her house is half an acre. And you'll have an acre. and then I'll have an acre And it's like I want that. Do you have a barn? No, but I live right behind a barn. That house I tried by

I tried that house was way too expensive though, and it was kind of really stupid. It was William Penn the founder of Pennsylvania's home Isn't that crazy? I was like that's just haunted for sure in the house home. Isn't that crazy? I was like, that's just haunted for sure. 100%. I'll take the house next door and look at the barn. 100%. And honestly, it's a lot of upkeep having a lot of land.

Like, it is. Because that house I tried buying was like an acre and a half. And that's not that much, yeah. I didn't think it was that much. That's not, yeah. And that came with a full barn and like a full house. Yeah. That's actually kind of crazy on just an acre and a half.

Yeah, and I was like, oh, I can handle it. And now that I have just over half an acre, I'm like, oh my God, I can't even imagine having a whole acre more. It's a lot of you. Do you know your own grass? No, but it would make it more expensive. That's the thing.

It's like the bigger your scale shit up, the more shit costs. Also the more problems. Yeah, and I like. And I like. Home ownership definitely don't start big. Start small. They don't tell you how crazy it is.

Like we bought this house and the people were supposed to get rid of the rats and they did it. And so we cut a hole in the ceiling because we have to renovate. Did they all fall out? So much rat shit fell out. And they were supposed to take care of this before they moved out. And did you show them? No.

You should have. Was it in writing that they would? Yeah. Oh, you should see them. Got to catch a case, babe. And we had to have the rack I come. And within a couple days we got a rat. And it was massive.

It was not cute, like rat it to me. See, my eyes are cute. Rats are scary to me. I like them when I see them crawling between the subway tracks, but not in my house. Yes, totally. I'm like, that is exactly where you belong. Yeah, I wanted to throw one in noodle the other day,

but like, no one would- You still have rats? No, in the subway. I was like, don't feed them in your house. No, in the subway. This one in the subway was really small. It was a freshly born rat kind of looking thing. You're such a good person.

I was gonna give my noodle. Oh, you did it. No, no one would give me the leftovers. I was like, no, you're not feeding the rats. Everyone's like, don't do it. Yeah, they were not allowing it. I mean, I guess I got that after seeing pizza wrap. Yeah. Okay, one last one for you.

I'm so excited. This is, I'm like really into it now. I love it. You're like, I want people that I want to hear more shitting and fucking and sucking stories. Come on. This is not that. It's more of the mystery vibes.

Ooh. So it's three years old. It's titled, neighbors entrusted me with looking after their pets, slash house for three weeks. It has been almost a year now, and they haven't come back.

Today, their basement flooded, and I have no idea what to do. What? In June 2019. It's just unlocked a whole new fear. Of like babysitting and then they don't come back. Yeah. Whoa, never thought about that.

Haven't you seen the lady on TikTok that was paid to be a surrogate for a couple in China and they never came to pick up the baby. What? The baby is now like three years old. What? What? Yeah, and she's keeping it.

She's not giving a back. I've never wanted my life. I fell down that rabbit hole. Thought about kid hearts. These scenarios and those people just not coming back. They didn't come. She got that asking. She's house watching.

Yeah. Yeah. I would just take the house then. I'm going to go to my mom. I was squatter writes that bitch. Possession. Living there for 30 days. Yeah.

Kick him out. Possession 19. You know of a home. Oh my god. And it's so much. Yeah. Why didn't I do this? Yeah. So maybe if you're a neighbor that's going to sell in two years, it goes out of town yours goes out of town Just make me want me to watch it. Why don't you stay for like two months? You deserve it. I'm gonna watch your house for you

And then I'll never leave So Anyways, sorry in June 2019 my neighbors came to my door I had some experiences with them. They invited us for a barbecue not long after they moved in They asked me and my wife if we would look after their pets and their house for the next three weeks, as they needed to return to Taiwan as his mother was dying. They even left me with $500 for food for their two German chepherds and a cat. I don't know what happened to them, but they just never came back. I don't know if they ended up in some sort of prison or decided to just not come home at all.

Today, I found out their basement had flooded, probably sometime within the last week, apparently a pipe burst, but the entire basement is completely fucked. I have paid for the leak to be fixed and I spent all day using my shop back to drain their basement to the best of my abilities. Between this and one of their dogs needing surgery, I have spent several thousand dollars of my own money and frankly the damage to the basement was pretty awful. I don't have their insurance paperwork and I don't really know if I can even do a claim for theirs on top of this, his two giant German shepherds,

while they are amazingly good boys, it is becoming almost too much for us to handle. Their last name is extremely common, and their Facebook profiles are private, which gives me very little avenue to tackle this down. Timeline. June 7th, 2019. Neighbor asked me if I would look after their pets and their house while they were handling the death of his mother.

July 1st, 2019. They sent me an email stating they needed some additional time to handle his father's affair. He apologized and said he would be back by July 15th at the latest. July 21st, sent him an email asking what's going on. Explained how we are going on vacation in August,

never got a response. And then he like ends up giving like these point-by-point breakdowns and like September September 6, 2019. So like June, July, August, September, ended up moving the two dogs and cat into our house. They seemed extremely miserable. I ended up dismantling part of our joined fence to allow his dogs to use their outdoor area. And then one of his dogs started showing signs of becoming ill. He ended up needing a surgery, sent another email almost a year later, never got a response today, bringing his

mail to his house and noticed the smell, discovered the basement was flooded. And then questions, it's like, what exactly is my level of responsibility here? I agreed to look after it for a few weeks, such a couple of months at the most. It has almost been a year now. Is there anything I can do? Location on Tario Canada. Jesus Christ. I would assume they're dead. They're dead. They died. They're gone.

They're not coming back. I don't know if they're dead or if they just wanted to flee. Maybe they had like, warrants up for them. I was thinking that, but then like, what if people have shown up to the house? Like,

wouldn't have like authorities come to the house? Or like, I don't, I don't know. And like, I mean, unless their house was paid off, wouldn't they like,

wouldn't like, their house get foreclosed? I was wondering about like the mortgage and utility power. Yeah. And if they live in Canada, like you have to keep your water their house get foreclosed. I was wondering about the mortgage and utility power. Yeah. And if they live in Canada, like you have to keep your water on in the winter and have a drip.

Yeah. So your pipes don't freeze, which is maybe what happened with the basement. The second you set on tarry, I was like, oh, that's tracks. Yeah, so this is crazy. I can't imagine having that level of abandonment. Like you have two beautiful German shepherds in a cat

and you just leave them? Well, I can't imagine being left with that because it's not like you're like, no, you didn't sign up for it. Oh, let me give them up because if they come back and you're like, well, I gave your dogs away. Yeah, what you,

but then it's like, you might have like, dealing with two giant German shepherds if you're not equipped for is like being thrown into the deep end with no arms or legs. Like that's insane. Like I mean, at that point, fuck their house. Like you don't have to watch that shit anymore. Let it sing.

Yeah. But then to be stuck with like living creatures. Yeah. That's hard. I love German shepherds. It's like the only kind of dogs I had. So like, I'd probably just take them on. But like, that is a lot. And like, if they would have just given the dog up, like for adoption, the surgery would have been paid for. Like, they wouldn't have had

to pay for the surgery. So true. And like dog surgeries are so expensive. In saying, my dog just got her hips done What the BBL um they cut off her ass a tabloom You're like she just got her hips done and I'm like work. Would she go to Miami? Dr. Gavami like what what did she do? Dr. Miami? Is that his real name? I don't know I know someone that went there and like it stop. It wasn't very good Yeah I know someone that went there and like it stopped. It wasn't very good. Ooh, yeah. That's for peace. Um, but yeah, this is just crazy. But her hip surgery was like three grand.

Yeah, it's, And she's like 15 and it's kind of like, I didn't help. So it's like, that's what's awful. And also people are like, get pet insurance. Pet insurance is such a fucking scale. I've heard a lot of times they don't pay. They don't pay because if it's a pre-existing condition,

then if you get the insurance after an issue happens, I've heard a lot of times they don't pay. They don't pay because if it's a pre-existing condition, then if you get the insurance after an issue happens, anything that that dog has before is a pre-existing condition. Which is everything. So crazy. It's insane. So we have an update for this one.

Oh! Ah! This is the best ending! Oh, maybe it's not. I don't know. Oh my god, I'm shook. What is it? Good news. I followed everyone's advice, reached out to the police and the embassy,

explained the situation and gave them a bunch of info. Tonight, I got a call from them. Explaining they had just decided to stay much, much longer and spend time with family and friends. They apparently asked his wife's brother to come and collect the animals and get the key a long time ago back in August, but never followed up on it. He apologized and said he was sorry. He gave me two options and asked if I wanted to keep his pets since I've had them for so long. Or he will push his stepbrother to get the animals. Apparently the animals don't really mean anything to him or his wife, which I feel

is quite shitty. I would get quite shitty. I would get them out. He apparently can no longer access his email and passed me along a new email address, slash phone number I can use to contact him. But he doesn't have, but told me he doesn't have any plans to return to Canada anytime soon. I mentioned the water damage and he just said that they can buy a new house or get it fixed when they get back. He was also quite confused and somewhat annoyed about the lengths we went to to get in touch with him.

He didn't understand why we reached out to the embassy. He then offered to send me a bunch of money to square away the inconvenience and that was more or less it. I don't know if it's a cultural thing, However, I feel kind of pissed off at how little he slash his wife seemed to care about the pets slash his house. Anyways, Andy, effort they went through. Yeah, like didn't really sound like a thank you there. No. Anyways, me and my wife are going to keep the pets simply because, well, I don't think either of us can part with the dogs and his cat at this point. Oh, happy ending. Dogs are in a better home cat bedroom. Yeah, that's so true.

That's so true. Yeah, love this. Wow, I would just be like, can I have your house then? Like, you can just get a sex and I'll just take it. Just sign it over. Just sign the check, baby. Mm-hmm. Wow.

I love this. That's crazy. I'm just never thought about people just not coming home. It does lock in your fear. Unlocked, I was just about to fucking say, I don't think I'll ever say yes to house sitting ever again. No, I don't think I will either. I also like dog sitting really scares me

because like what if your dog ate a grape when I was watching it because I turned away for two seconds? They can die so easily. I think about that all the time. I'm like one of my best friends. dog eight, a grape when I was watching it because I turned away for two seconds. They can die so easily. I think about that all the time. I'm like, one of my best friends, like her dog is like a part of her. And she's like, I've watched it before

and I'm like, you can't, nothing can fucking happen right now. I'll never live with myself if anything did. I can't, I don't wanna sign up for other people. Like their dogs or their kids. And then that's where I'm like, oh I I want kids and I'm like girl, do you? Like I don't think one of those things alive and you have to like they don't die like before you like you know a dog is like Okay, like it's we knowingly sign up our dog Knowing like live forever that kind of like sadistic

I was thought to talk on that the other day. That is. And yet we still get dogs again and again and again. Because we bring so much light. I know they're amazing. Which is why I like horses because they live pretty long. No, that's why I'm like on the horse. Yeah. Do miniature ponies live long? Yeah, ponies can sometimes live longer than horses. Slay. This is getting a fucking miniature pony. The oldest pony ever was named Sugar Puff and it was 56 years old.

I'm obsessed with that entire thing start to finish. It lived from 1951 to 2007. Yeah. It survived the 50, 60, 70s and 80s. The 2000. What a queen. Yeah. Come on, Sugar Puff.

Sugar Puff, real cute. Oh, is there a picture? Another actual picture. Oh, that's okay. It's oh, no, there's actual picture. Let me just Oh, oh, my god. That is oh my god. That's exactly what I need. Oh my god. That literal color Oh my god. I mean long live sugar puff. Oh, my god. It's so cute. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you for having me. Sorry for probably cutting off 106 times. I just had so much to say at these stories. People are gonna be like Morgan,

that's the karma you get for cutting everyone else off. So totally fine. Do people always tell you that you cut people off? It's called ADHD. It's called ADHD. And also I have like a really funny thing to say that needs to be said in this moment. I'm so nerd I virgin and like I think the other thing that

Really makes me sad is when I try to share a personal story to like show I'm actively listening or connect with you and then people are like why you guys making it about yourself I'm like yes, I'm just nerd I virgin and trying to connect Where can everyone find you just Google Google me, Chris Clemens. I mean, TikTok, Instagram. That's like the cockiest response I've gotten. No, I just mean even Google me. No, I mean, just, I think it's more, listen,

after doing this, we're fucking almost 11 years. I can't believe you started that early. You just, like, saying like, my Twitter and Instagram is at Chris Clemens. My YouTube is YouTube.com, like, I would just rather put myself down and have to say all of that So just Chris Clemens on Google I'm on Instagram YouTube TikTok. I love it. Narawana. I'm on all of it. Go listen if you guys want a amazing episode go listen to what I did with Chris on his podcast unhinged

If you think the stories we get are wild, wait until you hear the last voicemail on the episode we did, I was slack-jawed. I mean, like, it wasn't as crazy as the shit we heard today, I feel. Wait, what? Yeah, was? Was it? Yeah. The last one, that last voicemail with the party outside and the old lady showing up, yeah. That one was. Yeah, okay, the way I forgot what that one was.

That one requires therapy, so it fits the vibe of this. Yeah, it really did. So just go over there and listen to that after. Yeah, no, my listeners are, I'm like, why do I have a podcast? Y'all are the ones that, like, like, your voicemails are so cool. I love that. They're like not always like that. Yesterday it was that, like, your voice smells are so cool. I love that. They're like not always like that.

Yesterday was like extra delicious for you. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was so good. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you. This was like so fun. I feel like I have a new friend now.

I know. I feel like we're kind of like the same little person. I agree. So you're coming little. Thank you. I love it. I can't wait till you're out now, Les. Same. Oh my God. Same. I'll come back on. Move back. I don't wait till you're out now. No, I say oh my god. Same. I'll come back on move back. I don't know about that

but maybe by coastal. Yeah, that's definitely it's just hard with a dog. I don't want to be away from my dog, but I did get her registered. I'm just afraid to fly. What kind of dog is a big a little she's like a little chunk. She's like, she's like a pet mix, but she's not like big, but she's not like small. I've seen a lot of people buying extra seats and letting the dogs sit there now. I have, that's all I wanna do. I literally saw it the other day.

I can't with like a poodle, a doodle. I have never been able to have this happen. And that's all I wanna do. I'm like, I'm down to pay for the seat. For her to sit next to me. Oh, wow. She is the gentlest. I've driven across the country three times with her. Oh my God.

She sleeps the entire way. Like she is the traveler. She's such a good little traveler. I'm ready to stag ever. I love that. I'm just afraid of them not letting her on for some reason and then missing my flight. And then,

Oh, that sounds just so much work for nothing. You miss it, you miss it. Yeah, but then you get to, she gets to see the world. I know, well, no, that's what I want. I took a Vegas when I lived in LA and she saw the Bellagio fountain. She probably loved it.

She's been to New York. She's seen my like interview corner. She's, yes, a wanderlust girl. I really want to show her the world, which is like the most insane thing to say about her dog because they have no idea what's going on. I like, yes. I want her to see Greece.

Like, I want her to go to Italy. Okay. I literally just saw a TikTok of this couple that travels with their three cats and they had pictures of them in little berets in front of the Eiffel Tower. Sure. And then went here with their three cats. They just pop them in the bubble backpacks and zoom around. See, that is like, why?

It's crazy. That's the only reason I want a smaller dog. Yeah, it is here. Because you can just throw that thing in your pocket and honestly though There's nothing to see your officer and I get the horses are actual service animals But if they're gonna put a horse on a plane let people just take their dogs people are taking horses on a plane Yeah, cuz you're lying. No, it's where to go. I follow a my tiktok account. It's like the horse's name is honey You're lying. No, they a horse trots on board. Yeah

Shut the fuck yeah yeah this is the worst on the plane shut the fuck they just stand there shut yeah that's the best thing I've ever seen my life people take a lot of people take their dogs. Oh. As long as they're not a menace and biting people. Or like smell, like. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god anyways, we've said goodbye like 10 minutes ago, but like I, good bye. I want to see a horse on a plane.

Okay, bye. I want to see a horse on a plane, bye. Until next time guys, bye. So many cameras. I know I'm like, oh my god, is there one watching me now? Until next time guys, bye! So many cameras. I know, I'm like, oh my god, is there one watching me now? you