Two Hot Takes - 132: Tough Adjustments..

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

Two Hot Takes host, Morgan, is joined by guest co-host Alejandra! We're all faced with instances in our lives where adjustments need to be made or tradegy strikes and we try to deal the best we can. This week's stories deal with some tough adjustments and writer's who need some help navigating their difficult situations.. Spotify Masterclass I was on: https://podcasters.spotify.com/resources/news/video/masterclass-fan-engagement Bonus Content on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/TwoHotTakes Our PO Box!! Two Hot Takes. 5042 Wilshire BLVD. #470. Los Angeles, CA 90036 Our SubReddit to Submit YOUR Stories!!! https://reddit.app.link/twohottakes Full length Video episodes available on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/TwoHotTakes Partners: Quince: Quince.com/tht Liquid IV: LiquidIV.com Promo Code: THT Lume: LumeDeodorant.com Promo Code: THT

Hi. Hi. Welcome back to another episode of Two How Takes. I'm your host Morgan. And I'm Aale. Enjoy the episode guys. We just got done recording because we forgot. But it was a good one.

It was good. It was one of my favorite. Yeah, you'll like the, these are good stories. These are good stories. Yeah. Great theme. Uh-huh. Okay.

Get in anyway. Woo! Wee! Here we go! Here we go. Are you ready? Yeah! I'm like, yeah. I know. What did you say right before this? You go, I need to find a personality somewhere. I said I got to find a personality real quick. I have endometriosis. So when it's that time of the month, it's really painful and we are in that time of the

month. Shark week baby. Yeah. I'm just going to be very open and honest about that. So please be nice to me because I'm literally in pain today just to be here. I'm on drugs, medicine. Like, no, that sounded really bad. For little...

Prescribed. I'm on... Tylenol. Over the counter. Painers to sit here, and I was just had my feet up on the wall. You were going through it. You were hobbling in. It was like definition of like,

and we're live, and I'm like, okay. Like, and welcome to News That's It. Two seconds ago I was literally like, but that's kind of the reality with like a lot of us out there and like life, like the show must go on that part. That is when this happens to me, and I'm sure a lot of people can relate if you've had really painful menstrual periods

or endometriosis or cysts. When you go through this and it's like every month, you are reminded of how strong you can be. Yeah. And I remember I was just happy to be really badly a couple of years ago and I was on a call for work and I didn't want to call out of work because I was embarrassed because it's TMI

and I had to keep muting myself to like cry. And then I would unmute to like chime in on the call. And I was, in that moment, I'm like, why do we do this? Like, you know, it's just so painful. Like, why don't we just, I don't know, I feel like this needs to be recognized more. Like, I've seen things about being like,

oh, women should have certain times offer like that time of the month. And like, I know now, like in our world, it's more than just women who can men's straight. But like, that's typically what I was hearing before is like, women should be getting this time off or like, whatever, like almost at sick time to because it's so debilitating. It's so pain. Like you just saw me two minutes ago. I'm like, I can't do anything when I'm like, I saw't do anything when I'm like, I can't stay. I saw one of those period pain simulators

where they put it on guys. It's basically a tens unit. So if you have a tens unit at home and you wanna like simulate this with your partner, you put it on your lower abdomen and you crank up the tens unit and it simulates the muscle cramps and period cramps. And a lot of the guys could not even get to a point

where their partner did, like the wife would do it first and she'd be like, yeah, 10, 10 out of 10, like, no, this isn't bad. My, my periods are worse than this. What? And a guy would get on that same 10s unit, he'd get to like five and he'd be like, no, take it off.

Yeah. It's no joke. And like, if you have endometriosis or anything like that, it's even, you have even more pain. Yeah. I remember when I found out they were like, you're experiencing close to what labor pain feels like. Labor contractions.

And I was like, this is, this will take you out. Like you can't do anything. You can be the strongest person with the highest paying tolerance. It's like a different type of pain that you can't even control. It's a very serious thing. So we're gonna take it easy on you today.

We're gonna focus on these people and they're very tough adjustments. Nice. Some of them have been faced with some tragedy, some are faced with uncomfortable situations that it's just like, hey, do you carry on business as usual? Show must go on, or do you make an adjustment?

You know, it's tough, little, tough, little gig they're faced with, but we're gonna, we're gonna see some stuff today. Okay, look. We're gonna feel some things. All of us, this is all reactions. Good, good, good, good. I don't know, maybe distract you from the cramps.

Dude, I hope. I hope. Okay. Okay, let's dive in. Let's do it. Okay, as a fitness girlie yourself, you go to the gym, you workout, you do Pilates, you have a trainer now. This girl? You are like the most fitness person I know.

Like you are fitness. When I think of fitness, I think all 100. Whoa. Yeah. Thank you. I really do. Yeah. Meanwhile, every day I've just had home,

meeting some snacks. Oh, maybe I should go, nope. Never did. I bought a stair-stepper for my little house for a desk. Hasn't been out of the box yet. It's been three months. Take it out. Tomorrow.

It's so easy. Tomorrow, maybe. And you also keep saying you're going to take Pilates with me. I know. I got to get back in here. I'm saying it on here so that the people will encourage you. I love Pilates. It's just like really scary to get over the home.

I know. I haven't been in a while. I know. And I even said, I'll come take DR with you. Okay. That'll be good. Yeah. Okay. So for this first one, this is coming from relationship advice from emergency zombie. It is titled My 38 Female Husband 43 Male Refuses to Give Up His Gym Girlfriend or even Talk About The Issue. talk about the issue. Huh.

Okay. On Father's Day, I noticed my husband texting and smiling with someone, ignoring or not seeing me when I invited him to the table for breakfast. I got closer so he could notice me and saw he was texting an unknown woman. We've been married for four years and have a preschooler and a one-year-old. I didn't bring it up besides asking, who is that? Since my mom was in town visiting, when I mentioned it later, I said that I didn't know making friends of the opposite sex and not saying anything was okay for us.

He didn't volunteer anything, but when pressed further, mentioned that he'd been working out with her, which I know is three to four days a week, for two to three hours before work most mornings. He ended up admitting he didn't tell me about her because he knew I'd be mad, more over that he'll be working out with whoever he wants. Fast forward, several one-sided, vulnerable conversations, and two months after a lot of feeling sick to my stomach and sleepless nights I finally laid it out. I Didn't give him an ultimatum. I simply told him I can't sleep that I feel heartbroken and constantly concerned that if I was doing the same he'd feel awful and

Crickets I asked how long it was going to last and was met with, quote, there's no sign-up sheet in the gym. I told him I can't imagine continuing our relationship feeling like this, and needed to know in words how he felt. He reported feeling the same, that I'm his wife and he loves me. My boundary is unacknowledged and so far unenforced. It's not that I think he'd put his dick in her, yet. It's that he won't budge or say anything knowing I'm hurting. I feel like I'm getting more

heartbroken daily. The impulse to check his phone is hard to resist at times. I don't want to leave, but I need more than this lack of response from him. At no point have I asked him to stop going to the gym or working out with her. I told him I wouldn't ask that. That he's free to do what he likes, but that he should think of something he's comfortable with to address the issue and rebuild trust. I suggested having her over for dinner.

You can guess how that went. He said nothing. Is that the end? That's the end of the original post. We do have some updates, but that is what she started with. Where do I start? There's a lot of issues here. You him. It's just like really sad that like I just don't get why he thinks he can walk all over her. This is your wife, mother of your children, your partner, and she has told you that she's feeling heartbroken, can't sleep, and you're continuing to put her in agony for a friend at the gym. No, it's a girlfriend. Like, didn't they call it a girlfriend?

Girl, space, friend. Yeah. Okay, a friend is a girl. He's working out with her at three to four times a week, two to three hours. First of all, before work most mornings. First of all, as you said, I like to work out.

You know fitness. I know fitness. What are you doing for two to three hours in the gym? Like, I could fuck around for a while and still it wouldn't be three hours in the gym. That's a long time. They're, unless they're doing like cardio, wink, wink. Like I don't know what the hell.

Running 18 miles on a treadmill. Like what are you doing together? No, no, no, like a different type of cardio. Yeah, no, I got you. Okay. I was like, no, they're not like running half marathon. I'm like, no, like Morgan, they're fucking. They're fucking.

They're like, they're fucking. Which, I mean, it happens. Like, what? Two to three hours. What? It's crazy. The only time I've known someone to work out that long is like my college roommate who was training for a marathon

and would run 18 miles on a treadmill. Even if you're training for a marathon, you can't do that, do that two to three hours every day. No, that was like one run a week. That's like one run a week. Yeah, then that makes, I had one long run a week, but like, you're literally, you're gonna burn out. Yeah, you'll injure yourself.

That is not sustainable. No. I don't believe that they're working out two to three hours. I mean, wait, lifting, if you're like, doing multiple machines, three sets of machine, you know, taking space in between, drinking your little blender ball, protein shade, you got in between drinking your little blender ball protein shade, got the gym with your creatine.

Like, you could be twiddling your thumbs there and spacing it out, but that's not efficient. You're doing that to spend time there purposefully. That's right. That's right. It's more than a workout now. It's like a workout and a hangout. And again, this is my opinion here. Like, I do believe that you should be able

to have friends of the opposite sex. So like, if you're a woman, you should be able to have male friends. That's my opinion. I know some people don't share the same boat. I think it's healthy personally. And I'd encourage it for myself. I'd encourage it for my friends. I'd encourage it for my potential partner. But I don't that said, I still don't think it makes it okay. I don't think there are certain boundaries of appropriateness. Absolutely. And to be spending that much time, like arguably it sounds like he's almost spending more time with this woman than he is his own family and his wife, because I'm assuming

he goes to work, spends how many hours at work, come home, probably tired, how much time is he really spending with his family? Yeah, probably very checked out by the time he gets home. Yeah. And the fact that the wife has expressed that this is deeply hurtful and he hasn't even so much is given that a single thought or made any type of adjustment. I mean, that's your answer right there. He just doesn't care. He doesn't care about your feelings. No, he does not respect you. And he would rather maintain his friendship with this other woman than care about your feelings.

100%. And at that point, your relationship is, unless he's willing to make a change, right? Which he hasn't offered in the initial conversation or the one that followed two months later. Yeah. I don't think he cares. No. And let's just say, I mean, on its face, it does smell a little fishy. And I feel like there could potentially be something more than just a gym friendship

happening, like all jokes aside. I do think that this could be potentially some type of cheating. I don't know. That's just how it comes to me. It comes across that way. Yeah. Just given the limited information that I have. But let's just how it comes to me. It comes across that way. Yeah. Just given the limited information that I have. But let's just pretend that he's not.

Like it's genuinely just a gym-based situation, like a gym friendship. Work wife almost. Yes. But gym wife. Perfect. Let's just say that it's that. This is still inappropriate because the wife has expressed

that it's hurtful and she's not comfortable with it. And he has not cared. So it's showing a and she's not comfortable with it and he has not cared. So it's showing a blame disregard for her feelings towards a situation. Well, that 100% and kind of like to piggyback, she was really nice and said, invite her over for dinner. If this was an innocent relationship,

there would be no issue with that. 100%. Like, there would be, it would be like, yeah, that sounds great. Yeah. I'd love for you to get to know her and for you to be more comfortable with me working out with her. Yes. She's a great partner at the gym.

I don't fucking know, whatever. One thousand percent. Like, okay. One thousand percent. I have a personal trainer who's a guy and he's like an attractive fit guy, super nice, like the best, right? And if I had a boyfriend, which I don't at the moment, but if I did, and he's an attractive fit guy, super nice, like the best, right? And if I had a boyfriend,

which I don't at the moment, but if I did, and he was like, hey, you're literally training with this guy three times a week for a couple hours, you always have all these inside jokes with him, you guys are always posting each other on your Instagrams, like tagging each other, sending each other memes, like, invite him over for lunch, or like, let's all go on a hike together.

I just like, I don't know, I just want to get to know him or something. Yeah. I'd be like, already he's just my trainer, but literally no problem at all. Like I would have zero, I'd be like, great. I would love for you to meet him. He's dope. Like you'll feel so much more comfortable when you meet him. Yeah. And so it's like the fact to your point is that the husband didn't see that as an opportunity to be like,

oh yeah, like sure. That's fishy. I think especially fishy when he's texting on Father's Day, smiling, ignoring the whole piece. Meeting the talks, not seeing her when she invited him to the table for breakfast on Father's Day. I think it's one thing, like, let's say you have this relationship with your trainer or a gym friend, and you are, you do become friends, you do talk outside, but it's not this,

like, hidden secret. It's not this flirty, smiling at your phone. No. And I don't think it's, like, I don't think it's necessarily crossing a boundary to, like, invite them over. Like, is it insecure? I don't think so when you have grounds that your partner has made you feel the need to be insecure.

If you out of the blue were asking, hey, invite that friend over. You've been texting them a lot. It might cross a boundary at a certain point, but she truly is just trying to see where this is. It's just some comfort. Yeah, I'm just trying to see where this is. Is there some comfort? Yeah, I'm just trying to get heartbroken. Yeah, I think, I mean, to me, that's being a bigger person than I think I would be. Yeah.

I wouldn't care to even meet her anymore. I'd be like, I'm already like a little resentful towards the situation. Like maybe in time I want to meet her, but first I need to ask that you like, scale back the relationship that you have. If you're just training together in the gym, why is it so excessive and frequent? Why are you texting, smiling, anticipating a text? That's...

He's giving her reasons to be, yes. On it. Totally. I don't sit around by the phone waiting for my trainer to text me and like, yeah, we laugh, we share some memes sometimes. But like, the way I would, any of my guy friends. Almost like it's not, it's still friendship. I don't want to, like, the first word that comes to my mind is like, almost like it's professional,

like, almost like a colleague and work friends. There's that certain level of like, yeah, we're friends, but we're not encroaching. We're not crossing boundaries. This feels like it's lost that cadence. Like it's encroached on being too personal. Well, I think, yeah, I think it's leaving the gym and it's seeping into his personal home life. And that's the boundary that's been crossed.

You can have a gym friend, but the moment that you're spending more like this time and this energy, like anyone knows if you sit around waiting by the phone, it's like you have a crush on that person. As much as I love my friends, like I love you and I love all my friends, I don't sit around waiting by the phone for your guys' time. Like love you. I'll just face time you or whatever if I need to talk to you, but like you know that you do that when you have a crush. Like, you're single and you have these guys you're talking to and you're like excited about them.

Yeah. That's when you're like waiting for the notification. Yeah. The top comment on this one is, if you tell your partner that something hurts you and they keep doing it, it's no longer unintentional. Full stop, period.

Regardless of what after that. I completely agree. Yeah, next comment, O.P. Sorry that your husband is such a fool. You have the right to feel the way you do. He is taking advantage of your marriage and especially you. His response to your feelings is not the way a loving husband would react.

He says he loves you, but his actions say something else. Plus, he answered the text right in front of you on Father's Day with your mom there. How disrespectful of him. You deserve better. Good luck. Someone comments down, my wife does twice weekly exercise

and I couldn't give a crap how often or that some are the opposite sex. Why the fuck is there need to get their number and text them outside of this? And I think that's where it crossed the boundary. And I get there probably is a lot of people out there where it's like, yeah, my boyfriend has a girlfriend that makes me feel insecure, makes me feel whatever.

Initially, especially as you're getting to know someone, I do think it's fair to ask questions like, hey, I'm getting kind of a vibe from your girlfriend and so and so. Have you guys hooked up in the past? Is there anything there? Because you should have all the info. You shouldn't feel like you're in the dark or missing something or have a reason to be

insecure. But if you address it, things don't get better. You still are having this person make you feel insecure, make you feel like something's going on. Your partner isn't respecting you. Then you need to control the only thing you can yourself, totally, and your boundaries. And it might be a tough adjustment. Yeah.

I mean, this is something where I personally wouldn't be okay with it. And it sounds like OP isn't either. She has expressed her sadness and disappointment over it. And if her husband is to that comment, like a frickin' fool, and can't see that she's being really reasonable by trying to invite her over, get to know her, get comfortable with it.

So that she can support this gym friendship. And he's an idiot. And you might have to, I know we joke, like the first thing I said was leave him, and it's like, okay, they have two small kids together. It's not that easy. I get it, I'm not, I'm not, downplaying that, but at the same time,

like if your husband can swipe, or like sweep your feeling so easily under the rug and disregard and not care, and he's not hurt by the fact that you are literally losing sleep over this. For two months. You need to ask yourself, is this your partner, or is this someone who's walking all over you?

Update. When he left for work this morning, a day later, I told him to think about what I said throughout the week. I appreciate all the support, including the comments that bring up that I may be jealous or have let my body go. Or especially that I have been too permissive as a wife. I'm completely open to criticism in my personal arena.

What does your body have to do with people? Must have been questioning like, did you let yourself go? Why? That's a relevant. Okay, nowhere in this prompt unless there's an update that gets to this. Did I see anything about him having tried to get his wife to be active with him, or him trying to engage her in a way where they could have a gym relationship,

and she refused or didn't want to, so he was like, quote unquote, left with no choice when he had to go find somebody else, to be his gymbe, whatever. I never got that sense, unless I'm missing something. So why would her body or fitness level or fitness interest

have absolutely anything to do with this? I don't know. I don't see anything. I don't see comments mentioning her body near the top. I'm searching the word, but I'm not seeing it. To me, that's like, it's irrelevant. And if that were the case, that's kind of all the more reason, like, well, why is he not attracted to me anymore?

And then that's why he's seeking out this gym friend. But it doesn't, it doesn't matter. Like he's still, the bottom line is, he's disrespecting her feelings and making her feel bad repeatedly. Yeah. And to me, it has nothing to do with that. Like, I just, I think that's like a, that's not even relevant to this equation. It's regardless. It's not relevant to the fact that he's still disrespecting something that she's uncomfortable with. She doesn't have to be there

in the gym with him. She doesn't have to be on the same fitness level as him. It doesn't make it okay. And like, some people are okay with that. Like you'll see relationships for one person's like really into the gym and into fitness and the other person's not and it works. So for some people it's not for me, it's not like I need my partner to also be really enthusiastic about fitness and be really into that and prioritize it. It's literally like on my list of non-negotiables. And that's something that I've intentionally put out there. So when I go into the next relationship, that's something I need to suss out. But I wouldn't marry somebody.

And then it's okay, interest change. Maybe he got into fitness at some point in their marriage that he wasn't at the beginning. That's okay. But it's like, then communicate that. I'm really into fitness, and I would love it if you would try this with me. Yeah.

But it doesn't seem like an invitation was even extended. No. Update two. He came home Monday night in a mood, refusing to eat dinner and arguing over unrelated issues, and eventually saying, angerly, quote, just so you know, we're no longer working out because of you. OK.

But I had phone records and screenshots of their conversations indicating many as in a majority of deleted texts. I will never know what they said and I frankly don't even care. Turns out he texted her, showing her this post and she, a sweetheart and a stranger, was the one who had the consideration to not work out anymore.

By the way, not ever what I wanted. I wanted to know why on earth he's hiding a friend and deleting texts. I want to know why I'm not worth comforting or at the very least the truth or a conversation on why he feels distant enough to lie. He's stone-walled, shut me down, gave me the silent treatment all night and all day Tuesday. When he arrived home, hi, I asked him if he wanted to talk or walk. As in, we're going to counseling and you're making the appointment, or I'm following through on one of my five divorce lawyer consults I had by phone on Monday.

Woo, damn. In the end, I asked to see his text where I found out the above that he doesn't have the balls to tell her himself what was going on, just the cruelty to let me suffer another day having read my post, and to show my heart to a fucking stranger and act like it was my fault. Had he at any point opened up about why he was hiding her, had he not deleted text after saying he wanted to rebuild trust, had he given me any information or compassion, this would be very different. He didn't want to hand over the phone for me to check for more deleted texts one last

time. And I mean the last time, because I'm not losing any more sleep over this. I had to call his mom to tell her to get his room ready before he handed it over. He says he loves me and wants to stay, that he didn't want to hurt me. He's asking if I still love him. He knows I do. I told him to take a hard look at whether or not he loves me. In light of the many other ways he showed me, I'm worthless to him. I told him he was the most selfish person I've ever met, what a stupid and cowardly way to throw me away. FYI, one, he is bodybuilding and commuting 40 minutes

to get to this gym by work, 30 miles away. Two, he leaves at four in the morning to go to this gym, so confrontation is not a possibility. I can't get child care at that time. Three, so many of you are absolutely right. The lack of response to me is the problem. Independent of this other woman. Four, I don't have family to run to besides his mom. Last time I tried to get some space after a verbally abusive episode, he gas lit me and made false claims that I have postpartum, have mental health struggles, and threatened to call the cops saying I was kidnapping my children if I left, to a known place with his mother. So he sounds unhinged. It's time to go. Yeah, this is like these

updates coming out. Yeah. Done. All the more reason to be done. All the more reason. He sounds like he's a loose cannon ready to explode. He sounds manipulative. He sounds irresponsible. Yeah. Selfish. Also like for him to throw in her face, like, oh, we're not working it out anymore because of you. Yeah, exactly. You chose to show her the post, dude. Yeah.

And she chose to take that post and say, you know what, I don't think we should work out anymore. Did she not know he was married? Did she not know anything? Like, yeah, or did she take his ring off at the gym like what was her? I want I would love to hear this other woman's side to this. I would think she knew he was married because otherwise why would he send her the post experiences he's married. That is true.

I think she might have known. I think he just was like, oh she's so cool with it or like she doesn't care. Or she's never came up. I don't know. I'm sure he downplayed it. Or he made her sound like a psycho and like a typical narcissist painted her in a bad light. Center the reddit post, maybe with the intention of being like, look at this loser. Like, you know, and then she was like, as a woman, what the actual hell?

Like I can look at this from the lens of a wife. And then was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no. I don't care what you've told me about her. Like this is all so legitimate and she's clearly so hurt. Yeah. And it's sad that this stranger treated OP with more kindness than her own husband. Mike, drop.

Like you have what you need, you should leave him. Especially with everything else coming out. I really hope she has the support and like I know financial support is a big thing for people trying to leave, especially when you become a stay-at-home mom and you are financially tied to that person as your only means of survival. But I really hope that she can leave and be in a better safer place. I know it sounds like it's going to be tough because she has two young ones

and it sounds like she doesn't have family support. So that's gonna be really tough, but I think that it's worth trying to find a way to make that work, then trying to muscle through it with somebody who's just going to be so inconsiderate and can perhaps do more damage in the long run. I agree.

Moving along. Ooh, that's an adjustment for sure. Is. One of this week's partners is Quince. I'm in London right now and packing for this trip was really, really discouraging for me. I tried on a lot of my clothes and things just aren't fitting anymore or like they used to. But luckily I had already started

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drama out of planning an outfit and upgrade your closet with quince today. Go to quince.com slash THT for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's qui nce.com slash tht and get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash tht. This next one is a tough one. It is a little sad. The update was posted two days ago, which is why it really came up on my radar and we're going to, we'll get a new one. So the original post is four months old coming from Character Jaguar 3037. It is titled, Would I Be the Asshole for going to the funeral of my ex-girlfriend's brother and missing my sister-in-law's wedding. I, male 25, am in a relationship with Amelia, female 26, since two years ago. She is wonderful, we live together, and I think we are close to engagement.

In the past, I was in a relationship with Julia, 25 female. We met in high school and had a very passionate relationship for five years, but it didn't work. In the end, it got quite heated between us and even with her parents, so we blocked each other. Julia had a brother Dan, two years younger, and we always shared a special bond. Like me, he wanted to become a doctor, and I helped him with med school. Even after the breakup, we stayed close. Julia and their parents weren't aware.

He was definitely very important for me, almost like a younger brother. Unfortunately, Dan had a car crash and died last week. I didn't know until Julia came to my house to announce it two days ago. I am absolutely devastated. She apologized because she wasn't aware that Dan and I were so close.

She also thanked me for being there for him when he was fighting depression, and that all her family would like to see me at his funeral next Sunday in their hometown, seven-hour drive. I replied that I wasn't sure if I could come, because I'm running low on money at the moment, and my car will be at the mechanics. She said she could drive me there, but she had to be there two days earlier

to help with the organization. I said that I will think about it. We exchanged numbers and hugged. She cried a little and said she was sorry for all the things of the past and was happy to see me again. Amelia came home at this moment, and I explained the situation when Julia left.

She already knew about my past relationship with Julia and my friendship with Dan. Amelia told me that I wouldn't be able to go to the funeral because the wedding of her sister is the same day and we both agreed to go. I said that I needed a little bit of time to process all that. The following morning, I had a very emotional phone call

with Dan and Julia's parents. They apologized for the past and thanked me for being there for Dan. And they would always consider me family from now. They insisted that they'd like to host me for the funeral to save me costs. After reflection, even if it sucks for Amelia at the wedding, I cannot imagine missing Dan's funeral. I talked with my co-residents, the head of the unit, and they're okay with me missing

a few days and covering for me. When I told my decision to Amelia yesterday, she blew up and said that I'm a huge dick to ditch her and her family in favor of my exes. She said that I committed to the wedding, and I couldn't leave her alone to reconnect with my ex. We had a big argument and haven't talked much since. I had some messages from her friends and her sister. They said that I'm a major asshole

for abandoning my girlfriend in favor of my ex. I was sure about doing the good choice, but I'm starting to feel bad and second-guessing myself. So am I the asshole? Mm. This is a tough one. This is a really tough one. It's a really, really tough one. I genuinely don't know what I would do.

The only thing that comes to mind, like, really quick for me, is like, in New York. Yeah, is like, I had my, one of my best friends from high school who lost her first baby, like crazy malpractice from a hospital, fluke, crazy thing. And I was in grad school and had this presentation coming up. And it was so fucking stupid. I had a test in one class, this presentation in another and when I heard what happened I immediately broke down. I knew I had to get home and knew I had to be there for her and

My one teacher was like oh the test doesn't matter go There's there's two things in life. You don't ever want to regret missing funerals and weddings and This is both like this is so tough. And unfortunately for me, I had another teacher who wouldn't give me permission to miss the presentation or zoom from home. So I fly back the morning of the presentation and make it there. And as I'm hitting the ground in LAX, I open my email, yeah, you can miss it if you have to. Just a bitch about it.

And it's like, I missed it. And I do regret it. It's really sad. And so I feel like for me personally, I would go to the funeral over the wedding. I think a chance at closure and saying goodbye is more important than like, yes, this happy celebration, but these people are still here.

I can celebrate them every day going forward. Yes. So it's a really tough one though. Yeah, that was my knee jerk. I'm not just saying that. I had like, well, my initial knee jerk was, and I think this is just ingrained in my brain from like the stories we've done in the past and the feedback we've gotten, you know, because we see the comments and we see when people don't agree with us.

And that's fine because that's the point of the show. It's a hot take and then everyone can have a different hot take on top of our hot takes. That's the whole point of this dialogue. But I feel like in the past, because I do play Devils advocate a lot, a lot of the feedback is like the consensus is always to choose your new family, right? Like you see that trend of like. Oh, that is so true. This is the family you're marrying into or like intent to marry into. He's like, we're close to engagement. So if this is gonna be your future family, like, isn't that more important than like, this family from the past.

That is so true. But that was like my initial. But then I'm like, I don't know if that's actually my original feeling or if that's just what I think, that the people are gonna think. And then I'm thinking like, my knee jerk was very similar to what you said in the sense that like, this is, nobody can tell you what ways have you're on your heart. Like no one can decide for you what would hurt more or give you more joy.

So like if you're faced with this this like difficult decision of mourning a death and a chapter that is closed with someone and that was very important to you on a period of time, or to celebrate this new chapter looking forward with your future new family, like that might be a really joyous moment that you might be sad about missing out on, or you're going to regret not being there to mourn and be there with this family and these people that were once so important to you. And no one can make that decision for you. I can't, you can't, the Reddit community can't, nobody listening can do that. This is so deeply personal to OP. And I know that this is like a very, like, almost like a cop out.

Like, it's hard for me to have a take, like almost like a cop out. Like it's hard for me to have a take here because I'm genuinely so torn. If it's me, I don't know. I really don't know this. We probably eat me alive. But I think I'm choosing funeral because it sounds to me based on the way he wrote this that that's really hurting him. And he's going to hurt him for a long time. Yeah. Versus like you said, he could take out the new sister-in-law to dinner and her husband and celebrate them in a way that's unique and special to him, to make up for the fact that he's not choosing

his ex-us family over this new family. I don't see it like that. I hated that comment from her. That's selfish. I don't think that's what it is. That's coming from a place of insecurity. Yeah, of course it is. That's just not even fair to put that on him.

But I'm gonna be honest with you, and this is why this is so hard, because I really can see all the angles here. Imagine I'm Amelia. I'm the girlfriend, right? Like Alejandra, your friend is Amelia. I'm telling you this story. And I'm telling you about how my boyfriend is choosing to go

to my exes, his exes, you know what I mean? You would be like, Aale, that's really fucked up of him. No, you don't think so? Absolutely not. I think most girlfriends would. I think certain people for sure, but if this was the story that I was getting parlayed, I would say, well, he was friends with Dan outside of his ex. Him and Dan remained friends under wraps for over

five years. And yeah, they met in high school. So maybe they've even been friends for seven or eight. Like, he's going to pay his respects to his friend. The ex was still blocked. That's why she had to show up on the doorstep to tell him about her brother. You have nothing to worry about. She hasn't been in the picture. He didn't even have her number. Like this is purely about Dan. And the fact that Dan is gone. Yeah. I don't, for a second view, This is like a way of them reconnecting. It could be, you know, it could be. It's, yeah, you know, it morning sometimes like brings, I mean, people together. I don't know.

Oh, sure does. What's that? Oh, no, I know, I know. What's that Jennifer Garner movie? I catch and release. Oh, I haven't seen that. It's so good. Huh, wait, why I've never heard of this movie. It's like embarrassing how many movies I haven't seen.

Catching release is one of my all-time favorite movies. Text me that so I can watch it later. Jennifer Garner, some hot guy, I don't know his name. It's about a funeral? Yeah, so her fiance dies. Ha. And then this whole thing happens, she finds out that he had a secret kid

when the lady shows up on her door. And she starts like kind of hooking up with one of his friends. Well, great movie. Okay. Okay. And save that for later. So I don't, I don't think that that's what's happening here is OP and Julia are like reconnecting over the morning of her brother. Could happen for sure, but like that's not the question here.

I think I got a stick to my, like what we originally thought. Yeah, both of us originally thought like, I don't think he's the asshole for choosing. This is something that's like, it's important to him. And I hope that his girlfriend can be supportive of that. I can understand the initial shock factor in offense. You know, I can get it, I get it. Cause when, whenever we're standable.

Yeah, whenever one asks where he is and she has to be like a funeral, but I mean, like, she doesn't need to go into the details of like, who the funeral are, why? Honestly, just say that a funeral. A funeral. People don't ask questions. I know, I know.

Like, oh, God, that's terrible. Yeah. Yeah, move along. We're celebrating today. Yeah. Like, he's fine. He that's terrible. Yeah. Yeah, move along. We're celebrating today. Yeah. Like, he's fine. He's not here. Yeah.

Yeah. So, overall vote on this one is no assholes here. Good. So, the top comment says, I'm going to say no assholes here, because I understand wanting to be at dance funeral, and it's not like you're missing the wedding to go party with friends or something. But I can also understand why your girlfriend would be upset. You're going with your ex a few days early and staying with your ex girlfriend's family

who you didn't get along with in the past to the point of blocking them on your phone. Would you be totally fine with her missing a hopefully once in a lifetime family event to be with an ex for a funeral and being with them for days, not just a few hours. I'm not going to sugarcoat this. There's a chance you come back from the funeral with her stuff moved out. Is quite the test of your relationship. I will say that.

Yeah, it's hard. That's what I was saying. Like the narrative and the optics are not great. And I know that this isn't about how it looks. Like there are a lot of things in life that don't look good, but they're genuinely okay. Like they're not bad intention. They're not they're well intentioned, I should say. But you do see what I mean. Like when you're explaining this, it doesn't sound great. Like so he's going to go stay with, he's going to drive up with her

early stay with her family, you know, but I think if you're if you can be a mature person and put your feelings and insecurities aside and you really, this is a, this is truly a testament of trust. If you have a lot of trust and he's respectful and honest about this, it's not going to feel great, but it's necessary. It honestly, I think in some cases could make your relationship stronger though. Yeah, I totally agree.

Like I think this act of like I trust you, I want what's gonna make you the happiest. Like I get I'm gonna be alone at my sister's wedding, but like at the same time she's probably a bridesmaid. She's probably gonna be very busy with obligations throughout the day. So I don't know, I think it could be something that really brings them together if she says, I think you should go. Like, demonstrating you trust your person enough and love them enough to make sure that they don't have regrets. Like, yeah, I would be like, wow. Yeah, wow.

Like, he's already thinking about proposing. Like, after that. Yeah. I agree. Like, I think it could really bring them closer together. There's a lot of comments on this one. A lot of people that are kind of torn. I agree with no assholes here.

I wanted to say you would be the asshole because in a perfect world, going to the funeral would not be a problem and everyone would understand why it would be so important for you to go. However, there are definitely a lot of complicated feelings involved. Your girlfriend is disappointed, you're backing out of the wedding and jealous, you're going to be with an ex. When I am just reading this online, I can absolutely see your point and think, yeah, of course you should go.

But if I'm honest with myself, if I was in your girlfriend's shoes, I don't know if I would be able to rise above those emotions and think the same So you are definitely not an asshole for wanting to go and while it would be nice for your girlfriend to be able to see that also I certainly can't call her an asshole for feeling disappointed and jealous over the situation Yeah, that's all fair. I will say personally, jealous over the situation feels gross. Yeah. Her brother just died. That part I didn't meant. This was fair.

No, no, no, but I do agree with most of the sentiments, but it's like also at the same time, like, this isn't a happy kumbaya where they're having this ideal situation to get back together. Yeah, like her brother just died. So these are bad circumstances that nobody wanted and this is not like an opportunistic moment. This is a sad moment. That is just the way that the cards were dealt. Yeah.

And they're mourning. Yeah. Okay, for the update. I've always, I think, I don't know, maybe I haven't thought about that, but there's certain people. Actually, my ex would think about this when he was in the shower. He was, what kind of person he wanted to be. He would be in the shower and he would envision his funeral.

And he would think about who would show up and what they would say. I've already got my plan. Your funeral? Yeah. You're planning your funeral? Yeah, just in case. Who's gonna execute?

Depends on who's around. That's what I mean. But I want a party. I want a celebration of life. I want like, no, no, no, no. Like I want a full blown party. Like I want carnival rides with a bar. Like a birthday party?

Yeah. Right, your funeral. Yeah. Okay, but like have you ever thought about who would show up? I'm just my friends. But like, you don't. You obviously feel like obvious reasons you're not really gonna know or control it. No, we can drop the address for like, you don't, obviously, for like obvious reasons, you're not really gonna know or control it.

No, we can drop that address for everyone, I don't care. But like, just don't, I thought about it. I'm like, I don't have a lot of enemies out there that I know of, but I'm like, would they come? Yeah. Would my fallen exes come? They'd share your obituary. What do you mean?

Do you see this bitch? Like, you know how people, you know how people get engaged? And they're like, you always look at who shit, like how many shared things you post here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be like, like, think about in the future, social media, how it's probably gonna evolve. Like how many group chats would, would I be in?

Or they're like, this bitch fucking croaked, finally. Right? Like, I don't know. That's how I kind of made it. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. And like, I got enemies out there. We don't have that many enemies, but like,

the few. The few that I would do have, like, are they gonna be like, damn, that's crazy, good luck though, are they gonna be like, are they gonna be like, oh my God, all things aside, she was a good person and I'm gonna show up. You know what I mean?

I got to talk about, there's a couple of people on the fence where I'm like, I don't know how would they feel. We're doing right now. This is giving, have you seen friends? No. I know, I know, I don't even wanna hear it. I know. I know.

Like Ross fakes his death to see who shows up. Okay. And essentially, I think Chandler or Joey or him were having a war and they put it in the paper that he died. Oh my God. And he's like, you what? And then he's like, well, I kind of want to see who shows up. And this hot girl from high school shows up.

And he runs out of the bedroom and is like, I'm not dead. Oh, see, I wouldn't do that because if some bitches didn't show up, it'd be war. It's on site. Like, it's different. You know what, like nothing would be this thing. I'd be like, you bitch. Like I'd come out from behind the curtain or whatever.

I'd be like, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. You'd be a little hurt. Of course, I would just change. Like why would you be there, no worries. I mean, thank you. Less I've gone before you. Well, I hope that at the right we're going out.

You work out a lot more than me. Doesn't matter. Your health care than me. Oh, I don't know, whatever. Okay, we're thinking to find about it. Update. First of all, thanks for all the comments. It really helped me gain perspective on my situation.

Nearly four months later, here's the update. After intense reflection, I decided to stick with my prior engagement and go to the wedding. I called Julia to explain briefly the situation. Also called her parents to apologize and tell them, I'll come to pay my respects to them. And to Dan's grave

once I get my car back. They were very understanding. Oh Amelia was still mad at me though. She blamed me for being tempted by Julia and her family. Again, after the wedding, for pulling the long face, I was still very hurt by Dan's death. So yeah, I wasn't at my best. Our relationship was really going sour. I felt like she wasn't supporting me while I was still very hurt by Dan's death. So yeah, I wasn't at my best. Our relationship was really going sour. I felt like she wasn't supporting me while I was grieving my friend, but she wasn't on the same page. I started to see a new side of her and perhaps we weren't meant to be.

After another argument, we broke up. One to two weeks after the wedding. She tried to salvage our relationship, but the damage was permanent. At this point, I was at my lowest, totally devastated in just a few weeks. I lost my friend and my relationship. I was in a really bad place. A few days after, I got my car back. Luckily, it was a minor issue. It didn't cost me too much. Once I got a weekend off, I visited Dan's grave and his parents. They gifted me his stethoscope. It meant a lot to me.

Julia was also there, and we all remembered our memories with Dan, very nice and emotional moments. I felt very bad about missing the funeral, but his family convinced me that what mattered was how I was present for him during his life. After that trip, I started to hang out with Julia again. It just happened naturally, even after several years. I have to admit that we still have a deep bond. Nothing romantic though. We are both grieving Dan,

and I just ended my relationship with Amelia. We both agree that rushing into a relationship would be a bad idea. Currently, we just enjoy spending time as friends. Step by step, I started to feel better. The pain is still there, but I'm learning to live with it. I try to enjoy my life, to improve as a man, and as a resident every day. I'm lucky to have a great support group to rely on, especially one of my co-residents who really stepped up and is becoming an awesome friend. I'm currently living with him until I find a new apartment. I had almost no contact with Amelia since the breakup, probably for the best. I was quite bitter at one point wondering how I went from thinking to propose to her

to breaking up in just a few weeks. But with time, I got closure. I know I have my fair share of responsibility, but it is what it is. This is the past, and now I look forward to the future with hope and optimism. Oh. It's like a roller coaster. It's like sad, beautiful, sad, beautiful.

I'm like really torn on this. Yeah. I mean, you kind of called it. You were like, this will either make or break them. And it broke. Well, and it could have gone so much better. Like, like, what did she say here? Like, she blamed me even even after he decided to go to the wedding.

She's still not happy. Because it sounds like, correct me if my read is wrong, but it sounds like he had a long face, like he was like, mopey, maybe like, e eor vibes at the wedding. And he wasn't maybe as fun as he normally is. And he was a little more down. And so she's thinking like, it's kind of like when you get dragged to be somewhere. So it's like, you might as well just not even come. Yeah. And now she, the whole time, like the damage

has kind of already been done. And I think with, I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I think in a way, like, him choosing the wedding over the funeral was really to appease her. And I think in a way, him choosing the wedding over the funeral was really to appease her. And I think in a way there could be a little bit of resent. So I think on what that wedding day, he probably was feeling some type of deep resent towards her. And maybe he was taking it out on her, maybe it was manifesting itself in a way that was very evident in the way that his mood came off to people. So then now she's annoyed because she's like, all right, you came, but you're like, obviously not happy about it. And I know you'd wish you were somewhere

else. But it sounds like she's got some growing up to do. And she let her insecurities win. And I was actually thinking about this originally is like, I didn't think he was going to choose the wedding, but in the event that he did, it's like, I wouldn't feel good anymore. It's just like you're kind of yucky, you know? Like, he's realizing, and he said it, like it showed a side of her that he didn't really know before and that made him question if he would want to actually marry this person. And if she can't be supportive and understanding

when he's grieving and sad, then that's gonna be a tough partner to have for the long haul. Yeah, because she's showing if she doesn't get her way, she's miserable to deal with. Yes. I think you are spot on. And I just don't have any words.

I am really surprised he didn't go to the funeral. Me too. Like me too. And he even says I do regret it. And the family really tried to make that better for him, which is true. Like a funeral is for the living. It's not for the dead. No, like it is for the living.

Like that funeral was more so for him and the family that day than it was for Dan. Yeah. He showed up for Dan. He was a good friend at Dan. But it is really shitty. Like in hindsight, 2020, everything is 2020 vision in hindsight. Like, he skipped a really important funeral to go to a wedding that they broke up to Exeter.

That sucks. And when you were saying you're amazing, like a little monologue here, the thought popped into my head. And I think in a lot of relationships relationships we get faced with these really tough decisions of a lot of catch 22s, or damned if we do, damned if we don't. But I think if we kind of keep in mind more, like either decision, someone is going to be unhappy,

whether it's my partner or me, but which decision is going to leave the least amount of resentment, the least amount of anger. Like, he said I'll go to the wedding and she was still mad. I know. So then it's like, no one's winning. You're unhappy, you're not going to a funeral

because you want to be there to honor your friend. She's still mad at you even though you're going, who wins here? Everyone's losing. Everybody lost. Everybody lost's losing. Everybody lost. Everybody lost. Everybody lost in this. I hate those situations.

Oh, that's a really good point. And that's, I try to look at things like that in my own life where I think it's kind of a bad way of thinking, but I always try to say like what I'm faced with a hard decision like that. I'm like, which one will I regret the least? I've really started to think that way. Yeah. Because you can't always predict which one's going to bring you the most happy, you know, which one's I regret the least? I've really started to think that way. Yeah, because you can't always predict which one's gonna bring you the most happy,

you know, or which one's gonna, because things can go sour, things can go wrong. But like in the worst case scenario of each, which one would you feel less resent about? Yeah, I really, I really, really hate wondering, what if, yeah, same. So I have really tried to make a solid effort to like, when I'm faced with choices, like, okay, what am I going to regret the least?

Am I going to feel like I missed out? Am I going to wonder what if? Yeah. So it's, I think if you have opportunities, go for it. Right. Move in a long. Sucks. Sucks.

No one won. No sucks. No one won. No. Well, he won. He did win because he got out of a relationship. That was not meant for him. Yeah. There are some comments from OP. And I do like that they did say, like, I'm moving forward

with like optimism and everything there. Someone did comment though, and they go, so I mistyped, but there's something going on with Julia. It's there. Amelia saw it. He is acknowledging it. He obviously saw his relationship with Julia more importantly than his with Amelia.

I don't know about all that. Amelia, is that you? Yeah, right. Is that you, sweetie? Oh, he does respond though. When I broke up with Amelia, my only interaction with Julie. Was it Julie? Oh, I said Julia.

I was like, you've been calling her Julia the whole time. Oh, I think it's Julie. Oops. Oh, whatever. They're fake names anyways. When I break up with Amelia, my only interaction with Julie was when she announced to me that Dan passed away. I broke up with Amelia because she only interaction with Julie was when she announced to me that Dan passed away. I broke up with Amelia because she wasn't there for me when I needed her support

the most. She seemed more preoccupied by appearances. Yeah. I think Amelia showed her true colors. I think so too. Julia was this girlfriend for five years at one point. Like that's someone who's always going to have a deep impact on you. Yeah. And I do, like, I'm friends with some of my exes and I know that there's somewhere if they were like my little brother died. I'd be like, oh my god, I'm so sorry.

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using promo code THT at liquidiv.com. Okay, this next one, a little bit lighter, slide the mood a little bit. This is just some good old fashioned chaos, where adjustments and compromises need to be made. Okay, I think at be made. Okay. I think at least personally. Okay.

So this one was posted one day ago. It is titled, Am I the asshole for not going to my sister-in-law's wedding due to her dress code? I, 25 female, am having a conflict with my husband's sister, 36 female. She's getting married in two weeks and her dress code is incredibly complicated to adhere to for me. It is black tie, long sleeves, and floor length gowns. The conflict happened because I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and overheat very quickly, and the wedding is entirely outside. In the middle of the day, in the southern USA, where it is incredibly

hot, I cannot be in a long sleeve floor length gown in the heat for eight hours. I have sent her a few dresses to try to compromise, which I will link in the comments for further information, but she is completely adamant about exactly what she wants. I told her yesterday that I cannot attend her wedding if she is not going to budge even slightly on the dress code. I told her she is the right to have her wedding exactly how she wants it for it to be her perfect day, but I have the right to look out for my own health.

She freaked out at me and told me I was being incredibly selfish and that, quote, for once, it isn't about me and my fucking baby, which she only said because she's jealous. I'm having the first grandchild and she felt like she should have a baby before me and my husband. Damn, sis. Since then, my husband's side of the family has told me I'm being selfish and I just compromise one day to keep the peace. I don't think I should need to compromise my health for her

wedding. Am I being the asshole? Am I being unreasonable? Here are a few examples of the dresses I offered to wear. Okay, this is dress number one. We have pictures. We have pictures. It's doing a whole lot though. It is a floor length black gown with embroidered flowers throughout with a cape, sheer like sleeve that is also floor length. Really good description. Very good. Giving all for our audio listeners. Best number two is a beautiful light blue half sleeve gown floor length. Some nice roozing and ruffles on the bottom. There is a waistline right below where your boobs would fall to really make it comfortable for someone who is pregnant.

Mm-hmm. Looks very comfortable, but like, not black-tie. It's not black. Wait, okay, it's a super question. So it doesn't have to be black, right? Black-tie. But I thought she said they black long sleeve. It has to be black-tie.

Black-tie, not black. Long sleeves and floor length. Floor length, long sleeve, it doesn't have to be black. Just black-tie, viby. Black to be black, just black type, I mean. Black type, which for definition, traditionally a black type dress code denotes a formal evening occasion where men are meant to wear tuxedos and women floor length gowns. The images I see do not even include sleeves. One is a gold sequin floor length gown.

The other is a black floor length gown, both sleepless. So can be interpreted, however, this is the third dress option. It is a dark navy blue. Almost ankle length gown, long sleeves, but the sleeves are sheer. Also has a like silver colored floral embroidery pattern over it. Okay. I think option one and option three are very appropriate. I agree. Very appropriate.

I agree. Option one, I actually love. I did too. I think it has really grown on me. Yeah, it grown me too. I just think it's beautiful, the black. Yeah, I like it. And I love cape dresses.

Cape dresses are my vibe. I can't fold them off. Cape Blazers, I bought that white cape blazer from Zara and I love Cape Dresses. Like Cape Dresses are my vibe. I can't pull them off. Cape Blazers, I bought that white Cape Blazer from Zara. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, but this I think is very black tie formal. Yeah, no, that's actually stunning. It's actually fun. It reminds me a lot of the dress I wore to a wedding this year.

Likes it. I loved that dress. That dress was really pretty. It was literally my friend's mom's dress. Also, I don't know. They're kind of giving the same vibe. Same vibe. We'll put the picture side by side. Yeah. Yeah. It's beautiful. I love that dress. I literally asked you where it was from. Yeah, which I should choose. It's Chills mom's. I should ask her mom where she got asked her. But anyway, yes. Okay. One in three are great. Number two sold out anyway. So sorry, mama, you can't have it. But I don't like number two anyway. Number two is out anyway. So sorry, mama, you can't have it, but

I don't think number two anyway. Number two is not doing it. That's like a summer garden party. But correct. Number one and number three are very appropriate. Also, haven't we learned that no matter how clear of dress code instructions you send to your wedding guest? Yeah. No one knows how to follow dress codes. Right. Why is she throwing a fit over this pregnant lady? Right. I'm so confused why people care that much. She's 34 weeks pregnant. She's ready. She's ready to give birth.

Just let the mama wear whatever she's comfortable in. She meets like 90% of the criteria. I would, yeah, I would say even maybe 95. I was gonna say that too, but like. Check off 5% for the no sleeves. Like, just cool cape. The first one doesn't have sleeves. The second one had like, what, three-quarter sleeves.

Yeah. And but it was an as-floor link. But who freaking cares? That's pretty much floor-linked. She's not trying to wear like a mini dress. She's not wearing white She's not wearing anything even close to white. These are all dark colors except for number two But we don't like number two if your sister and law was doing this to you Would you go rogue and like not wear and just show up?

Or would you just be fine not going I don't know I can't give you my take on this stuff because you're like you're a Dwarmer man, I'll hold like I hate I hate pissing take on the stuff because he's like, you're a doormat, Alejandra. Like, I hate pissing people off knowingly. I hate pissing people off knowingly. And sometimes that's the expense, at my own expense. Sometimes I am a doormat and I do what people want me to do because I pick the path of least resistance. Is that something I would say every woman should do? No.

Is that the right thing to do? Probably not. But that's what I do. Call me a little bitch. I don't know. But like in this moment, like I'm not, like, I'm probably gonna suck it up. I would not, but I would just show up in one of the options that is the most like close to what she's getting. Same. Like same. The blue dress with the long sleeves, basically ankle length. Yeah.

I think that's perfect. And I would show up. I wouldn't at this point, don't ask her anymore. Find a new dress that you think is appropriate with sheer sleeves. It's gonna keep you cooler on this hot ass humid day. And just show up. Like you've given her options.

She is clearly deranged for some reason. Yeah. And show up. But your husband also kind of needs to step up and say, hey, you're being crazy. I thought you were my sister. Don't you want my wife there? Like your husband needs to also kind of have your back on this.

Well, his family too. Wouldn't they all calling yourself this? Yeah! I mean, this is like a shitty situation because in that moment, like I would be like, I don't love the family I'm married into personally. That just is like not a good feeling. Like you feel like everyone's ganging up on you.

Like you're all kind of selfish in that moment, but it is what it is, right? It just is, it just is what it is. And you can, you have a choice, you have free, well, you can go and wear something that might piss her off or you can go and adhere to her crazy dress code and be super uncomfortable. Or you cannot go, it is totally your choice. Yeah.

Personally, I'm going to the wedding because not going to me is just going to cause more drama. Yeah. And I might even wear whatever the hell it is that she wants me to wear. And if it and if I'm not uncomfortable, I might just leave. That is another solution. Like try it. And then and then and then it kind of And if I'm mad uncomfortable, I might just leave. That is another solution. But try it. And then it kind of proves your point. No one can really be mad at you.

I'm overheating. I need to go. This is exactly why I didn't want to wear this. I have to leave now. Yeah. I have a backup. If you're good with me changing into that, I will come back. If not, I'm sorry, it's been great. It's been lovely. Congrats. Bye. Bye. See you. Bye. Yeah. Top comment on

this one, not the asshole. Grabbing popcorn and waiting to see how many people actually adhere to said dress code. Please let us know. So true. Because it's like, you think just because this person is consulting you, you know how many people are not consulting you that are not going to adhere to your dress code? Who wants us to wear long sleeves in a hundred degree heat? Also, like, no, like, we're not even addressing that because it's just not worth it, but like, read the room.

Like, if it's hot and it's summer in the South, why did you want people to wear that? Like, you're just weird for that. Like, that's a weird move. You're just, I'm already questioning the way that you live your life personally. It is weird. Also, her wedding is in the middle of the day.

So I'm saying. The sun is out and up. There's no reprieve during days like that. Also black tie, formal, long sleeve. That's meant for nighttime. Totally. It's an evening gown. Yes, yes, formal, long sleeve. That's meant for night time. Totally. It's an evening gown. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Have a garden vibe or put your wedding at night. Pick a struggle. Pick one. It's evening and you get your evening wear or it's day and let the people wear sunglasses. I love like, almost like, you know, horse race outfits like Kentucky Derby dresses I love the floral gowns and the like garden party vibe like that is also a very elegant vibe You could say think Derby party little hats like cute little hats and really Spice it up with mint tulips and all this stuff like just because you're having a daytime doesn't mean you can't have it classy and elegant

without having. Oh yeah, I went to a wedding. Do you remember that big yellow dress I wore? Is it a Marbra? That was good. That, like everyone looked so stunning and everyone had like long dresses on. Like there was a big dress,

but it still was very giving, it was very much giving vineyard daytime, Santa Barbara, you know, whatever. I loved that dress. It was so, I got, oh my God, I looked like, it was like a fairy tale, but beside the point, it's like you can have fun with, you can still be elegant and like upscale

and like beautiful and classy during the day, without asking people to wear long dark colored, bald, heavy, ball gowns. Yeah. In the middle of a hot day in the South, in the summer, very weird. There is a comment here that goes, yes, please, we need an update asking to make sure,

like, give us an update, which yes, please, I second that, everyone, keep your eyes peeled. Oh, we don't have an update yet? Not yet. And then there is one down that goes, we definitely do, pregnant woman here. There is no way I would be able to adhere to her dress code. Today, I just went outside in just a t-shirt and a jagging in 84 degree heat. And I was overheating. And I wasn't out for eight hours. When you're pregnant, your temperature already is higher than normal

without being forced to wear black tie attire. Not the asshole. Tell the flying monkeys to go fly south for the winter. Also, I don't see anything wrong with your choices of dresses. I agree. Well said. Yeah. Well, frickin said. There are some comments from OP, someone posted this on Am I the angel, which is another subreddit for a lot of these posts. on Am I the angel, which is another subreddit for a lot of these posts. And a lot of people were really just giving her some heat. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Like what, like just suck it up and sweat your face off?

Yeah, so someone goes, I mean, sister-in-law sounds like an idiot, but she can be, it's her wedding. You're the asshole, just make it work or don't. Doesn't really matter, but let sister and law have her stupid wedding, however she wants. Okay. That's a camp, I guess. But OP is saying that she's just saying, I can't wear this.

So like, if this is 100% what you're requiring of all of your guests, I can't be in attendance. That's true. Like, OP is not saying change your day for me. That's true. That's true. So she does respond and goes, she can have her wedding how she wants, but I'm not going. That's my whole point.

I don't want to ruin her wedding, but I'm not going to put myself in danger. Okay, okay, fair. Someone asks, info, are there religious slash cultural reasons for the dress code, or just because? No, they are for aesthetics. And again, people keep highlighting that is she an orthodox Jew is this for religious reasons or personal personal she thinks the style is elegant info are you a bridesmaid or just a guest edit

saw you are a guest Helena you are not the asshole sleeve in the South, I can see if she is Muslim and it's a cultural thing, but you can't police all of your guests attire. OP responds, if it was religious, then I'd be more accommodating, but the issue would be the same. Yeah, the issue remains. Yeah, it's more so health. Wow. Someone did offer links to other additional dresses.

No. So nice. Yeah, here is one of them. It is an off the shoulder kind of like sheer chiffon with a lining. It's beautiful. It's really pretty. And OP does respond to their suggestions

and goes, I've sent her similar dresses to those and she vetoed them. What? Not elegant enough. Oh yeah, stop sending this bitch options. No. I think get something sheer, like sheer sleeves black or a dark brown or something that's like

elegant color to mow. Anything can be pink. D-Elec, gay color, they're like, they yellow dress I wore. Yeah, wouldn't you call that elegant? Yes, it was sunflower yellow. The example picture had gold sequins. Yeah, it can be any color, but just find something nice

and show up. Like, just stay out of her way. Like, stay out of sight, out of sight out of mind, there's going to be so many other people that violate her dress code. Yeah, go focus on them. Like there are going to be so, so, so many other people in your pregnant. So putty. You're 34 weeks pregnant. I just like in what world? And what world do people get so hung up on these things? Like, I don't know. Like maybe I'll eat my words one day if I get married and I have a wedding. But I just like literally can't see myself caring

that much. I, well, and I think like we, I mean, we say this all the time too, like with a lot of these stories, like it's her wedding, it's her day, their day, but you know what I mean? It's their wedding, they can make their own rules. But when you're subjecting your people to getting heatstroke, like, yeah, that's not going to be a fun wedding. Like, yeah, there's an episode of Survivor.

And it was like the craziest season I've ever watched. And three contestants go down during the end of a challenge with heat stroke. One gets life-lighted out with a helicopter. He's like, unresponsive. And it's like, that's going to be this girl's wedding. Yeah, not just that, or just want everyone to look like, unresponsive. And it's like, that's gonna be this girl's wedding. Yeah, not just that, or just want everyone to look like shit.

Sweaty, greasy hot. Like everyone's gonna have sticky hair, sticky skin, sweat stains, imagine all the people with sweat stains. Like I remember, sorry, I keep talking about this wedding in Santa Barbara, but even then, like we wore like sun dresses and stuff, it was in the middle of the day. People were really hot.

Like people were sweating and bathing themselves off, I'm looking for shade. And it's just like the wedding was beautiful, but that was a little bit of an oversight. We're like, yeah, we missed how hot was going to be during the day and there wasn't enough shade. And there's a lot of waiting around. And it's like, those are the things that,

maybe you're not thinking about, maybe you're not thinking about because you're not thinking about it from a guest perspective, but like, why would you want your guest to be uncomfortable and hot and sweaty? And that's gonna look like shit in all the photos. I wouldn't be for it. This is why I wanna fall wedding.

Yeah. I want no humidity. I want my makeup to just be set. Yeah. I also wanna get married on my farm and falls really pretty there. So maybe that's why I'm a little biased. But I hate being hot. I hate it. I would rather be cold than hot. And this actually popped up on the radio when we were back in Minnesota. They did a poll and they're like, would you rather it be 113 degrees

or 40 below? And I think like 85% picked 40 below. I don't know about that one. You have lizard mode for you. You are a lizarder. Like there are people that go lizard mode and they can go sit outside in 90 degree heat in the sun for hours.

I'm not lizard mode, I'm snowman girl. Okay. Like I'm Elsa, I'm meant to be frozen. Okay, there you go. I'm Scandinavian as a book. I'm not. I'm like like you said I'm a lizard. You're lizard. You got that lizard blood. I like run cold. Like, yeah.

Like people are hot and I'm like, you know, I'm perfect. Oh my god, you guys, you Lauren and Sarah lived in the apartment and you didn't have central AC. You had one window Lauren and Sarah lived in this apartment and you didn't have Central AC. You had one window unit and it was like all the way across your apartment and I would go over and I'm like, instantly sweating in the door. I'm like, why don't you have this thing on?

And I'd be like, I'm perfect. No, no. My AC went out in my condo for a year and we didn't have money to fix it. I was like 20 grand, my dad finally figured out how to buy the free on and go do it himself, but we didn't have the money to fix it. And it was out for one of the hottest summers in LA.

And I would go get a wet towel and just sleep with a wet towel on me all night. Sounds so gross. It was disgusting. But I got to do what you got to do. But it worked. Yeah. It really worked.

Wait, really? Because I feel like when I sleep with wet things, it makes me more hot. It worked. Really? I did it again at Justin's mom's house. Is it on your forehead? No, a full-size towel.

That sounds awful. Yeah. How did they get mold all over yourself? I can smell like mildew as long as I'm a hot. Yeah. Yeah. I just did like mildew as long as I'm a hot. Yeah. I just did this recently at Justin's mom's house because her AC in the room we stay in, like isn't, it just like isn't strong in that room. It like pumps the air elsewhere.

I don't know, it just, it doesn't work in that room. We're in. Tell one yourself. I washed a new blanket, I bought it target because me and Justin usually share a blanket there, but he's so hot, so I'm like, maybe if I get my own blanket, I'll sleep cooler, it'll be better. And I washed it and it didn't dry in time, so I just slept with it wet on me.

Oh, Morgan, the sound's so gross. I would rather be wet than hot. Ah! Yeah. That's like, I don't know why it makes my skin crawl. You know why? You know why it makes my skin crawl as gross. Because you envisioned me waking up in the morning pruny.

Because sometimes my hands were... Actually, no, but like that. Now I have the vision. That is not what I was thinking of. You know how you skid night sweats? Yeah. There is nothing worse than waking up like damp in your sleep. Like I would wake up damp.

Like you would think I just ran a half marathon. Yeah, I'd be like sweating Then what hot sweats terrible. No, but they were cold sweats. That's the worst part. Oh, God That's the irony of the night sweats is your hot, but you actually wake up cold. Oh, yeah Were you sick? No Never I was never sick during any of this crazy because That's crazy, because I wake up from hot sweats, but I'm like hot. Like, I'm actually dripping with sweat.

No, that's why I'm like cringing right now, because it's actually one of the top five worst feelings in the world. Oh, no, this doesn't feel like that. You feel like it feels good. I'm trying so hard to envision it, but I can't. Maybe just try it for a little bit. No, like, I'm actually traumatized.

I would never want to try this. Like, that was the worst thing in the world. I wouldn't know what to do. It was so bad I wanted to just be up. Like, it'd be like two in the morning. I beg my day's starting now, that because like, there's nothing worse than trying to, and like, I didn't know what to do.

I'd like, put a towel down, but I was like, I was like, frickin freezing. I was freezing. So I wanted my comfort, but my comfort was like, I was like freaking freezing. I was freezing. So I wanted my comfort, but my comfort was like damp. So I was clearly hot. Like it was the worst. Oh my God.

I was like, I guess I gotta need to wake up now and have coffee and just like, be about my day. Fuck the day I guess. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Anyway. It's not the asshole.

No, the asshole. Don't like being hot. No, moving along. Another one of this week's partners is loomie. You know, I've been traveling, I've been riding the tube, and you know what I've been noticing? A lot of smells, but we all have bio, and sometimes I forget my deodorant.

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That equates to over 40% off your starter pack. When you visit LoomyDeodorant.com and use code THT. Link is also in the description. Let's do you next. Let's do you next. Let's do yours next. Okay. I'm so excited to not read. Yay, I didn't even practice reading.

Um. All right. This thing on. Testing. Me, me, me, me, me. I didn't do my vocal warm-ups. I didn't do my vocal warm-ups. I didn't do my vocal warm-ups. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, Okay. All right guys. Um, this one's from subreddit. Am I the asshole? And it's posted by new dash c 5605 and it's a throwaway. And it was posted nine hours ago. Yeah. This is fresh as fuck hot off the press nine hours ago, but it's already got 4.5 up votes. Okay, it's plugging on. And over 6000 comments.

Whoa, yeah. All right, so let's get into it. So, am I the asshole for telling my boyfriend that I don't want his daughters in my apartment? I'm in a dilemma here because I know that people would think I'm callous, but I don't think that I am. Give me your honest opinion. I, female 38 met my boyfriend, male 36,

at a party four years ago, and we hit it off immediately. I told him very early on that I'm child-free because I know this is a turnoff for many men and I don't wanna lead anybody on. After a month, he told me that he had two children, 11 and 12 in parentheses now. I freaked out because I didn't know what to do. I liked him very much, but I didn't want to be a parental figure. He said I didn't have to. He has shared custody with his ex and me and him

when meet the weeks he doesn't have custody. Now he basically lives in my place. The weeks his daughters are with their mother. We decided that this arrangement worked for us, and to break up the moment it didn't work anymore. I could see myself with him forever. I love him to bits. I love our life together. I love missing him when he's with his family. He proposed to me a month ago and I didn't know what he meant, but he said that we didn't need to get married and he just wanted me to have a ring. I thought it was romantic. Anyway, a week later, he took his girls to my place for a weekend. His axe was sick and he didn't want the girls to get ring. I thought it was romantic. Anyway, a week later, he took his girls to my place for a weekend. His ex was sick and he didn't want the girls to get infected.

I asked him if he maybe wanted to be with his daughters instead, but he said that he would miss me since it's our week." In air quotes, I said, okay, I've met his girls on many occasions and they're lovely, so I had no problems more than I felt a bit awkward. Last week I got home and he had dropped his girls in my apartment. They were in my closet, trying on my heels and clothes. I was freaking out so I called him. He said, yeah, change of plans.

He and his ex switched, so the girls are staying with us. When he got home, I told him I couldn't do this. If he was having problems with our arrangement, then I understand, but I still don't want children in my place. He called me an asshole, because his girls have done nothing in our polite, etc. He loved me and we are engaged. Did I expect us to have two separate lives

when we've been together for four years and love each other? I'm tired of men thinking I don't really mean it when I say I don't want children. I love him and I do wanna be with him and I see our future when his girls are old and have left the home and we could live together and even get married. No!

But I don't think I'm being an asshole. Yes, our way may be not traditional but my love for him is not lesser for it. You're the asshole. You are the asshole. There's a line in there where it's like, I'm tired of men not believing me when I say I'm child-free. The minute he said, he had kids, you should have said, I'm child-free. This isn't gonna work. Those are his kids.

Those are little humans that are in his life forever that he's responsible for, that he loves. And then OP even said, like, did I expect us to live separate lives? Yes. That's the standard. You have said since the beginning of this relationship, well, no, no.

Are you so confused? So I think what she's, she's kind of like quoting him. And he's being like, because he says he love, so he, he called me an asshole because his girls have done nothing in her polite, et cetera. Yeah. He loved me and we are engaged. Did I expect us to have two separate lives when we've been together for four years and love each other? I think he's, I think it's him. I think it's him. Like, did you expect us to have different lives? So he's delusional too. Yeah. Like if that's the case and not her saying that,

then it's kind of like, dude, she has outlined very clearly. I don't want your kids over here. Yeah, I don't want anything to do with your kids. That is separate lives. Why are men okay with being with people that don't like their children? You know, that's a really great question.

Yeah, I am in okay with that. Some, I know some mothers are, but usually, no, yeah, that's true. I can say that because I am dating right now, and I've hit the sweet spot. I don't know why I keep dating these, like, 40-something-year-olds, and there's some of them who have had children.

And like, it's kind of odd how like, nonchalant they are about like, they're not really vetting. They're just kind of like, do you want kids? Lukewarm? Okay. They're just like not. And I'm like, shouldn't that be more of important to you from the jump? Yeah. You have a child. And you say you're like, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's really interesting. It's almost as if some of them think that they're starting from a position of like, oh, like I hate to use this term because I don't view children this way, but I'm wondering if some of them view it as like, oh, I have this baggage.

And so I don't want to push too hard because I want them to buy in. You know what I mean? I bet that's what it is. I don't know what it is, but like it just feels that way because it's like you're not more aggressive about the fact that like You should be heavily vetting whether how someone feels about children if you have a child already And I think that goes for

people that are dating Others with kids if you can't commit to liking that child at the bare minimum liking and being around and supporting your partner's relationship with that kid Don't date them. Yeah, don't date them. You guys are totally wrong and mismatched this lady Delusional delusional delusional delulu this dude delusional. I think I don't even know if he's as much delusional as so one one line that She says is I'm tired of men thinking I don't really mean it when I say I don't even know if he's as much delusional as, so one line that she says is I'm tired of men thinking,

I don't really mean it when I say I don't want children. There may be some truth to that. I do feel like there are men who maybe think they can change a woman's mind. Yeah. So that I can add to women to how many girls stick around. Yes. Oh, he'll change his mind once we get married.

No, when someone says they don't want kids, take them as it is cold, hard, fat. Don't waste your time. Yep. No, I agree. And there's a line in here that I wanted to come back to. It says, okay, I love him and I do want to be with him and I see our future when his girls are old and have left the home and we could live together. First of all, children are for life. It were not birds where as soon as the the baby bird is big enough, you just dump them out of the nest and see on the sign, are you never see them again? Just because they've left the home doesn't mean they've left his life. That you're still going to be a part, he is still going to be a part of their lives. He's still their father.

He will eventually maybe become a grandfather. He will have to attend events, weddings, birthdays. He's still their dad. I mean, I left home when I was 18. I've never lived with my parents a day since I was 18. My parents are still very much in my life. Both of my parents, they're divorced, are remarried, right? Or one of them is remarried, the other one's dating. And that's like my mom or my dad marrying somebody who was like, I don't want kids. And like, we're gonna wait till all a hundred goes off to college.

But like, I'm still coming back for holidays. Yeah. I'm still very much a chat, like a part of this. Your life is kids. She's delusional for thinking that once these 11 and 12 year old grow up, go to college and move out, that they're just gone forever. And now you can have a live,

I guess in her mind she might be thinking, well, not their adults. Yeah. Because she doesn't want children. So maybe it's a different relationship. But I don't know if she's missing that, like, let's all be real here. Like as funny as it sounds, we're still like children.

Like we call our moms. Right, like we're still always going to be our, no matter, I can be 35, I can be 55. I'm always going to be my parents like baby. You're always going to be your parents baby. Doesn't matter how like the age, like yes, in society, we're adults, but in terms of a dynamic, I don't think she understands that children

doesn't just mean like a person under 18. They're going to have a certain relationship and dependency with this person that you're dating. Yeah, I think so too. And you've kind of lived this, like your dad remarried and his wife didn't have any kids. No, but was still, at least from my understanding, really warm, excited, treats you guys great.

You can just ran your marathon this past summer, and she drove up in the bus. Like, she wasn't in the bus? I thought she went in the bus. So damn, okay, back it up. But I just, you know, No, she is all of those things. I mean, the only reason she didn't come is there wasn't room.

But like, she's very supportive. Like, that's, I don't know. I've never asked her because I was worried about like the sensitivity of like, did you not want kids? Could you not have kids? I don't know. So she didn't have kids, never did.

But she's not anti-kids. She was never like, oh, Bob, like I can't date you because you have kids. I'm not gonna accept your kids. She's been very accepting and supportive. Yeah. Also, I'm kind of curious why the kids were left alone and how they were able to get into her shoes.

Like, did you just drop them off there and said, here you go, kids, 11 and 12. They're 11 and 12, they're back soon. That's not, I don't know, like that's not so young to where it's like, blow. Yeah. They should have someone older to watch them at that age, but I'm assuming you drop them off and went somewhere, maybe pick up a snack.

Maybe pick up a snack something, something, something, but anyway, so strange. Top comment. This comment has 7,000 likes or a vote. Wow. If anything happens to their mom, they're moving in with you permanently. That's true. Ooh. Your life is fickle.

Oh, so fragile. And the fact that like you, today, they have slow custody. Tomorrow, that can change. I mean, in the blink of an eye, when you date a man who has children or a woman who has children or anyone who has children, you have to understand that those children are going to be in their lives forever, and that circumstances around that can change,

and you have to be okay with that. Right? Oh, this is something that my dad has really struggled with, is finding women that are okay with him having kids. Yeah. And maybe that is to your point, like why people don't, like bring it up or go hard at it in the paint at first. Yeah.

Because every single woman, he's ever dated, has felt threatened by him having kids, get upset when his kids take priority over them. Yeah. You're not spending enough time with me. We should move further from your kids. Like, it is a struggle. And I think it's interesting.

And I wonder if, you know, single moms out there could kind of chime in. And is that a double standard? Or do you find that men are really opposed to kids and feel threatened by kids a lot? Like, I'm so curious because- So curious. But I feel like for my mom,

that's not something she encountered when she was dating. Like, as a single mom dating around, it was never weird. Like, it was expected that her kids came first. Yeah. Whereas a dad, it's not as expected. Yes.

You know what I mean? Yes, I think you're hitting something. I am curious. I'd love to hear from single moms and dads on their experiences, but I actually- I think so curious. No, I. I'd love to hear from single moms and dads on their experiences. But I actually think so. No, I think you're on to something because my mom, who is currently, well, she's a boyfriend now, but she was dating. I remember my mom would tell me about these guys. And to be honest, she would be like, oh, I'm dating this guy, but like, he's got kids that are

kind of young. So I don't know how I feel about it. And I was like, oh, mom, like, we, I have a sister who's 16. I'm like, you have a, it's like you out, your kids are in the house. Like you've got a somewhat young child too. And my mom, what you would say to me is like, but I've already done it. Like I already did the parenting thing. They were like really young.

I think so. She was like, I did it with you. I did it with Ryan and I'm almost out of the house. Do I really want to like parent again? Like, and that's fair. Like that is fair. That's fair and it sounds selfish, but it's like for once in her life,

she's putting herself first. She's always put her kids first. For refreshing to hear. Right. Yeah, so I'm like, you know what, if that's her standard, that's her boundary. She's like, you know what, I don't want to date men who have young kids

because that means I'm gonna have to like, do it all over again. Yeah. That's fine. So I don't know if maybe sometimes women feel that way. Like I did my parenting. Oh, 100%. I don't have a parent and other person's kids too.

Yeah. Oh, I think that is very, very common because not only like, okay, they might not be in diapers, but they're in high school. They're connected to the school nine months out of the year. You might be at a point where your kids are out of the nest and you want to travel, you want to do these things you haven't had the chance to do. So if someone's on such a different page as you, there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone has their own journey, but it's just not for you. It's just not for you. And that's this lady. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being child-free.

At all, it's a great choice for a lot of people, but you need to find someone who's more on your page, find someone who's child free. Then you won't have to worry about men not taking the fact you don't want kids seriously. Yeah, because they're also going to be serious about the same thing, right? Exactly. Exactly. Like this, it felt like this was a gating issue from the jump and you both were living in like Dululu land. Yeah. And like I do get it. Like sometimes I'm not gonna pretend like I haven't done this where I have this like non-negotiable

or like a gating issue like a non-starter and then I like will date someone and it's like, okay, that red flag's looking a little pink now. Like you'll kind of like downplay it because you have this great connection. And like in life, especially as you get older and you've been through relationships, you value a connection so much

that you're willing to look past certain things. But you have to be real with yourself. If you've always wanted to be child free and you're not budging on that, as hard as it is, cut it before you get to invested. Yeah, well, and there are little things. Like no one's gonna be absolutely perfect for you. Like, I'm trying to think of something Justin does that annoys me real fast. Hmm. What did you do? Sometimes when we're fighting, he'll say, okay, in an

exasperated tone, and I'm like, no, not okay. Like, yeah, give me more of a response. And we're working on it, our communication, you know, we have good communication. So it's just like bringing it up and being like, hey, you know, I don't appreciate it. When you say that, can you articulate more of a response or if you need time to think about it, can you just say, okay, like, let me think about this for a second before I respond you. That's fine. Like, just don't feel like you're brushing me off. But that's something you can work past. Not wanting kids, when he has kids, and this dynamic, this is... That's a big thing. That's a big thing. That's a big thing. So the next comment that also has a lot of upvotes says, it's actually, I think it's in response to if anything happens to their mom, they're going to be permanently, and this person goes on to say, yeah, and no such thing as I don't want to parent your child that is unrealistic.

Kids aren't going anywhere. If it's a choice of you O.P. or kids, he will choose his kids. Hopefully. At least it was a good time. Yeah. So I guess it's decision time for you then O.P. It's him and kids or you move on. You're not an asshole for not wanting to parent. It's what you want and you made it clear, but maybe the love fogged up your reality. Yep. But it's a decision you'll have to be made with your eyes wide open. And then hold on, someone else comments on that, says one correction.

If it's a choice of OP or kids, he should choose his kids. If the OP can't handle that, or if his relationship with OP is going to mean that he doesn't choose his kids over OP, then the relationship means to end for everyone's sake and most of all the kids. OP is not the asshole for wanting a child-free life, but that means their relationship means to be with child-free people. Not temporarily child-free or on a child-free schedule or child-free because they're ignoring their children, but really honestly and totally child-free. This man has children. Therefore, he is not child-free schedule or child-free because they're ignoring their children, but really honestly and totally child-free. This man has children. Therefore, he is not child-free.

Therefore, he is not a suitable partner for someone who wants to live a child-free life. Nah. Any comments from OP? So I've been looking around. Like if you click the account name at the top, I'm so curious. Oh, sorry, but there's someone commented this little quote, a fish may fall in love with a bird, but where will they live? Oh, that makes me not so mad at her.

Okay. Okay. So top comment said, again, if anything happens to their mom, they're moving in with you permanently. OP responded to that saying, that's another story and of course they would. That's another story, but it's a story that you clearly didn't really consider because you don't have a child-free but,

you don't have like a butt clause, like a child-free unless there's circumstances, you know? Either way, it doesn't change your, I don't want kids. And what's the reason you don't want kids? There are a lot of responsibility, there are free little thinkers and could be potential terrorists.

Like, it doesn't negate any of those reasons you chose to be child-free. Yeah. And is that a lottery you're willing to play? Like, maybe. Like, likely, their mom will be okay and fine and healthy and won't, this won't be an issue for you. But also, he is a dad forever.

And I think the point about like grandkids, like, what about grandkids? More kids. There's gonna be kids possibly if they have kids. Possibly. It's just like this is not, I don't know. Some people I guess can make it work, but I don't think it's fair to anyone involved. Totally. So someone said, info. So you freaked out after happy to watch his daughters for one day. Opie commented, yes, comma, or no.

I freaked that he just dropped them in my place without telling me like it's something I need to accept. Sounds like a communication issue. Yeah, that's a weird breakdown there. Yeah. Someone commented, how delusional are you? You are not more important than his kids. That is why child-free people and parents are just incompatible. She said, where did I say I was more important? You're, she's really distracting. Like, she's picking such odd points and their comments to respond to, like, trying to distract from the real issue at hand. Totally.

So someone commented, you are the asshole. When you date someone with kids, they're a part of the package. I'm child-free and this is ridiculous. If you think he's going to drop his kids for you, they will always be in his life because it's his fucking children. Don't date me with children. Obviously it's a deal breaker

and they will be in his life forever. Yeah. Opie says, where did I say I wanted him to drop his children for me? It has happened before where he had to switch weeks and he just tells me he can't see me that week. Why are people not bothering to read properly? Where did I state I wanted him to choose me? Where did I say he shouldn't take care of his children? He has always put his girls first and I always respected that. I love that about him that he puts his daughters first because I didn't have this kind of parent growing up. Okay, so that might be why. But she also did say like, I envision a life with him when his kids are grown and gone. Like, you do kind of envision them being gone eventually. And also, I did say this relationship

isn't fair to anyone involved. She's getting him half the time. No. You're okay only seeing your partner half time. I want to be with someone I want all the time. I want four weeks out of the month where living in a house together, obviously traveling, whatever, life.

But you're You're basically being treated almost like the opposite of the kids, right? Like you don't I mean yeah, I've so you're another kid that he splits custody with I feel like she has been pretty Delusional like in every single comment She's answering a lot of these questions with questions like where did I say I wanted to take him from his children Where did I say I want it? It's like, yes, you may not be saying that explicitly. Read between the lines, girl.

But your expectations are saying that in some way. Because you're implying that once these children grow up and leave the house, that you're going to envision this perfect married life together, and think about what that really means. Like, unless I guess we are kind of putting words in her mouth now, like unless she's saying, like, oh, when they're drinking age and I can crack open a beer with them, I'm not really going to care anymore. I guess what, yeah, what defines a kid?

But I'm child free. Right. Was that relationship changed then when they turn 18 and you're cool with it, you're ready to kick it. Right. But also probably not, it's still gonna be awkward because you ignored them for 10 years. And now of a sudden they're an adult and it's cool.

Yeah. And also like, she said something about how, you normally gives me a heads up and like, you know, whatever kind of thing. Yeah. The thing with children is that, they're unpredictable. They're life with a child is so unpredictable.

They get sick, the mom gets sick, things happen. What if one of them gets, God forbid, terminally ill. No one's gonna give you a heads up. Are you in it for the long haul? Like when you date someone with kids, you're getting into a relationship with the kids too. It's, this is ridiculous. The more I think about it, it's so freaking,

like unfair to everybody involved. Everyone. These kids are gonna grow up to have freaking hate you. You're gonna be constantly fighting upstream the entire time when they learn about the fact that you didn't like rejected them and like would only see their dad on their off-weeks. Like I get it in one way,

it's out of respect to the children. Like don't have them have a relationship with you if you're not going to be around. But this is just your incompatible. I agree with all these comments and I'm actually surprised that no one has pointed out the fact that these girls could go on to have kids. It's a possibility and therefore there will be kids in the picture again. It's like this is just stupid. It's stupid. It's really, and you can tell she's so defensive

based on her responses. Yeah. Just not trying to really move past all these issues that people are bringing up because she's in such denial. She wants to preserve this relationship, no matter what, and the reality is, you probably shouldn't. Like, does he have to keep an apartment? You guys are engaged.

Maybe you get married. Does he have to keep an apartment until his kids are over 18? Yeah. And then if they are over 18, can then they stay at your place? Like, what is life? Right.

Right. I don't know. What does that sound fun? What's that saying? Like, denial is a river in Africa. Like, oh, that's a Wendy Williams quote. That is this right here. Like, you weren't such freaking- denial is a river in Egypt. And each, oh my god, is Egypt in Africa. Oh, that's a Wendy Williams quote. That is this right here. You weren't such freaking...

So Nile as a river in Egypt. And each, oh my God, is Egypt in Africa? It is, okay. Yes, you are denying this life that you are inadvertently signing up for, and it gets kind of baffling to me because she claims that they're so in love and they're so compatible in every other way. If that's me, again, this is me kind of

in almost forcing my view on it, so compatible in like every other way. If that's me, like again, this is me kind of like in almost forcing my view on it, I would probably just accept the kids at that point. I'd be like, I love you so much and these kids are an extension of you therefore I love the kids. Yeah. It, I don't personally don't have any kids myself,

but these are your kids and I love you and I love your life and I love them. Well, and I wonder if like in a lot of people's heads, there's a difference between being totally child-free or like really I just don't personally want to have children. There's definitely a difference there. Yeah, there's for sure a difference there.

I think she's in the first boat. She seems like she's very... No kids. No kids. Which if that's the case, this is done. This is done. It's gotta be done. Done.

Cut it. Call it. So. Put a fork in me be done. Don't done. Cut it. Call it. So put a fork in me. Piggy. I'm done. Yep. Whatever that one is. There's a bunch of more comments if people want to go read this on their own. Okay. Okay. OPs replying left and right here. And this is like, this is like, this is hot off the press. Like there are comments like 12, four hours ago. So this is fresh. This is fresh. We'll see if there's like an update. they'll let's look for an update. Yeah. I'm really curious how this one ends.

Real curious. Real curious. Okay, one last short and sweet one to cap us off here. Okay. It is coming from Amity Ashole, unusual tooth 753. Amity Ashole for telling my brother it's pathetic that he can't do the basics of what his wife did. I love my sister-in-law and brother. They have two kids and my sister-in-law

Rachel was kind of a stay-at-home mom. She worked from home part-time but also took care of the kids and all the chores. I was over multiple times and the house was always spotless. Really, I thought she was just extra cleaning when she had guests, but no. When I had my kid, she showed me her schedule. She would be up at 5 for meal prepping for the whole day, like she never stopped and a lot of her tips helped me with my own home. Now, my brother lost his job and it was decided that Rachel would go back to work full time and he would stay at home. The kids are in kindergarten and first grade. He has this on easy mode. I've been over to help him sometimes since he just sucks at it. The house is always a mess.

The kids are usually late to school. He asked me to drive them after the school talked to him. He doesn't cook. It's just sad. He got in an argument with his wife since dinner wasn't done and she had to make it. He was ranting about how it's unfair and that he is trying. I told him it's pathetic. He can't do the basics of what his wife did. He has eight hours free and he can't keep the house clean. I told him she will divorce him if he doesn't stop being lazy and figure it out. He left after calling me a jerk and my mom is now on me for what I said. Am I the asshole? No, I don't think she's the asshole. I think she stepped out a balance a little bit on certain things,

but no, I would say the same shit to Ryan. Oh, I think sometimes as siblings, like if you have a sibling, you know, oh yeah, sometimes you gotta call them on their shit because who else is going to? No one, often times your parents won't. No, I have to, Ryan is my brother. I have to be so, I have to lean in on him so hard. I would say this to Ryan so, so fast.

But here's the thing, what I didn't like was where she's like your wife's gonna divorce you. I think that's like a little bit of a, like don't, you know, unless, like she hasn't expressed, it doesn't sound like the sister didn't like to express to her that she's like thinking about divorce.

So I think that's a little bit of like, a foul move, a little foul. But I don't think it's telling him this. It like, he is being pathetic. This is pathetic behavior. These kids are at school the whole day. You're a grown ass man. What's he doing?

I said this before and I'll say it again. The one thing I cannot handle is when people just prove to be inept, unless you have something like restricting or straining whatever, like limiting your ability, you should be able to do the bare minimum. And to me, this is like not asking for the world

and you can't even do that. Like you have help, you have support, you have someone telling you and coaching you, guiding you. The kids are gone. I'm sorry to hear you lost your job, but like if then you got to step up in another way. Oh, right? Yeah.

You've got to be a partner. You've got to pull your weight This is a team To me this is pathetic behavior and if it were my brother I would be so quick on him and I'd be like this is pathetic pull it together I would help him and show him how to do things the way she was saying But like no, you're not an asshole. This is a reality check I of the way she was saying, but like, no, you're not an asshole. This is a reality track. I, yeah. I think it's really interesting.

This woman was working part-time from home, two young kids, getting up at 5 a.m. to meal prep for the day. As a super mom would. Like insanity. And these kids are now both at school, kindergarten first grade. He can't even get them to school on time. She was getting up at 5 a.m.

And he can't even get them to school on time. He doesn't have to cook meals for the kids throughout the day. He just has to do dinner. Oh my God. The house is a mess. The house can't be clean. What is he doing with his time? Yeah.

And I get maybe there's mental health stuff going on, maybe there's depression because he did lose his job. That's an ego hit, that's sad name, that could be really taking a toll. But like, what are you doing then? What are you doing? Like, could you find part-time work? Could you get out of the house and be happier

and feel more confidence in yourself and more fulfilled? Yep. But like, right now, what are you doing with your time? Yeah. And it's not fair for your wife. Your wife did all of this before. And then you're not working. She's carrying this extra load.

And she's still to come home and cook. This is a really unfair balance. And it would be exhausting. Yeah, I think a more fair statement for the sister would have been, your wife's going to burn out, your wife's going to resent you, your wife is going to, it's going to be really hard on your wife. I don't know, this could cause her to really question the stability of this.

But I think saying the wife's going to divorce you, look, I get it, I get the intent there, but like I think that's a little bit of like a bridge too far, but I don't think they're at the asshole. No, not the asshole at all. Top comment does say that, not the asshole. She worked part time and did it all. He has no job at all and can't even somewhat cut it. How the fuck were the kids late? I mean, one time can always happen, but consistently, I think being a stay-at-home parent is hard, but with both kids going to school, he should have the time to do most of it.

Insane. OP responds, the kids are supposed to be dropped off at 7.30 to 8. Class is at 8.15. He has been getting them there at 8.30 most days. Oh, it's not even a couple of minutes. No, I don't get it. I've been late a few times,

but the school has to talk to him about it. Yeah. Hell, the bus is an option, but you have to wake up earlier for that. Yeah, like you said, there could be obviously mental health issues in the background. We only know what the information we're presented with. Of course, I'm sure this is hard. It's an adjustment, but like pull it together. There is a bit of an update. Opie goes, thank you for the Mac and cheese recipes. I love my sister-in-law and my mom apologized to me. Rachel sent my mom with the kitchen and house looked like.

The messages from the school and apparently a text argument about how he shouldn't be doing this. She gave him two options, get his shit together or get out. I learned a lot more about the situation and Learned he wasn't packing the kids lunches the last two days. I think he just broke his marriage. Oh Yeah, you're like proving to be At this point it's like kind of sad like there there could be something, you said something bigger going on.

There seems to be, right? You don't have to. Well, there's a trend, right? You lose your job. Yeah. Now you're not even, you're like low-key neglecting your children, right? Like enough of a...

You didn't feed your kids. You didn't feed your kids. Like that's... And you're not getting your kids to school on time. Like this repetitive, it's almost like you're showing that you're not able to kids to school on time. Like this repetitive, it's almost like you're showing that you're not able to stay above water. It could be something like maybe he's not even able to secure his own oxygen mask.

That's what it is. It's not to be. You know, like you feel a little bad because it's like you're struggling. But it's like then you need to go get the help that you need. You need to get help in your life. Like, you know, your kids cannot suffer this.

You gotta find a way. Your kids can't go hungry at school. Like, yeah. I mean, God, I, what's also just like, it's a breeding ground for something bad to happen. Like this, this small form of neglect where you're forgetting to do something simple,

like feed them a lunch. What if one of them needs a medication? Like, are you gonna forget to do something simple, like feed them a lunch. What if one of them needs a medication, like, are you going to forget to administer that? Are you going to forget to pick them up one day? Are you going to forget to hold their hand while you're crossing the road and something bad happens? Like this negligence can be really, really bad with kids, they're young, they're really young kids. So it's like for safety purposes and for the well-being of the children

and everybody involved, like this guy's got a step aside here. He needs some help. And if it is mental health, it's bad. But no one has mentioned mental health. I mean, I'm scrolling way, way down. I had to scroll, like, I had to reload the page multiple times to even find a mention of mental health. But there is one, finally,

info needed. How is your brother doing mentally since he lost his job? Losing a job can be a real blow for a lot of reasons. And if he's struggling with that, it could affect his performance as a stay-at-home parent, which then also builds on mental struggles because he's failing at that too. My original reaction was that this is in fact pathetic that he can't manage the kids, even with a learning curve of routine and skills he might not have. But if he's feeling depressed, then that makes a whole world of difference. O.P. responds, he's still doing his hobbies, and has never mentioned any mental issues.

He's never had a history of depression for my knowledge. In his rants, he goes on about how it's unfair, but never mentions any signs of depression. Well, men are less likely to vocalize things like depression and emotions like that. So I wouldn't necessarily discount his mental health struggle simply because he's not verbalizing it. And him sticking to his hobbies, it seems like, okay, well, if he has the energy and the

brain power for that, but it could be that back to your point about like his ego. Those are the things that he feels good at and make him feel good. So he's going to stick to his strengths. Yeah. And he's avoiding the things that he's failing at. 100%. I think this is, I don't, sadly, I wonder like if he did have his job and they were both working at this point, like, I do wonder if he's a active parent after school hours,

like, you know what I mean? Like he's not, it doesn't sound like he's capable of being an active parent right now, being a stay-at-home parent. Like, that's what I mean? Like, he's not, it doesn't sound like he's capable of being an active parent right now, being a stay-at-home parent. Like, that's kind of the same similar task you do after school, like preparing meals and doing these things. And it's like, was this lady really just doing it all? And he just went to work and came home and like,

yeah, no, like, how was he showing up? How was he showing up? Because I think people, I feel like parents show up differently when they want to versus when they have to. Right? And so it's like, yeah, was he able to show up as a parent for like the two easy hours of the day where it was like in between dinner and bedtime?

Yes. Or was he not at all? And it's just exas, it's so much more glaring now because more responsibilities on him. Yeah. Yeah. I would love an update on this one too. Yeah. So many updates are required, but at least we had some updates for the early him. Yeah, yeah. I would love an update on this one too. Yeah. So many updates required, but at least we had some updates

for the early ones. Yeah, I know. Those were good ones. I love this. Well, that is all I have for this episode of Two Hot Tanks. We didn't introduce ourselves. Ah, we'll get there after we say goodbye. But there is so much fun stuff happening right now. If you didn't catch it, I did a Spotify

masterclass with them about podcasting and incorporating your listeners. That will be linked in the description for this episode. Amazing picture and content coming this month. There's a live show in Minnesota, September 26th at the University of Minnesota. If you're a student, faculty, or know someone that is, you can go with them, but it's totally free. So come, say hi. Wow.

Yeah. Free show. Free. Yeah. Wow. No free promo, but actually free promo. Yeah. And we're going to be getting to campus a little early.

So if you're in the area and wanna come say hi, that would also be really fun. But other than that, happy fall. Everyone is kind of going back to school, getting into the swing of things. September. So I hope you all are doing well, adjusting accordingly, happily, healthily.

Love, yeah. What a great sign off. But love you all. adjusting accordingly, happily, healthily. Love. Yeah. What a great sign off. But love you all. Thank you all so much for your support. It means the absolute world when we're here doing this without you, especially my little co-host over there. Thank you for showing up on such a tough day.

Thank you. Oh, you're just battling. I'm battling. So be kind. Be kind. Be nice. Lead with empathy. Yes. Give the same benefit of the doubt that we give these strangers on Reddit most most of them most of them most of them most of them But until next time guys. Bye you you