Two Hot Takes - 22: LGBTQ+, Inclusivity, & Body Issues.. Period.

Episode Date: June 24, 2021

TW: Anti-LGBTQ+, fat shaming, & body issues. Two Hot Takes episode like never before! Morgan, is joined by not one, not two, but four guest co-hosts, Justin and Alejandra, and special guests Morgxn and Obediah! These diverse crew talks about stories related to LGBTQ+, inclusivity, and body issues. Stories are all intermixed this week with listener write-ins and Reddit throughout. This episode starts with Morgxn. The trio take on listener write-ins from two woman who want to speak on their experiences being Bi and a story from a listener who worked for the UN. Reddit stories include an individual is questioning his wedding guest list, a man who came out very late and his family is upset, an individual who may have been too honest with advice they gave family, and a woman who told a young family member she was gay. After this the episode transitions to Obediah! This trio goes in on a story about a mom who saw her saw holding hands and kissing a boy, and then on to the body issues stories. These include stories about a woman whose fiancé is unhappy with her post-partum body, a woman whose fiancé is fat shaming women online but she’s fat, couples who are dealing with issues relating to photoshopping, and a girl who complains to her friends about being gross Resources <3: https://www.glaad.org/resourcelist https://www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/youth-resources.htm https://toledocenter.com/low-body-esteem/fat-shaming-low-body-esteem-body-positivity/ https://anad.org

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Maintenance repair or install. Any job. Any size. Any Hour Services. Mention this ad and take 50 bucks off your next visit. Call Any Hour Services or schedule online at anyourservices.com. No one helps more homeowners than Any Hour Services. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Two Hot Takes.

I'm your host, Morgan. And I'm Alejandra. We're going to jump right into it today. Today's episode is going to be on body issues, kind of overall inclusivity, and then LGBTQ plus issues as well. I know we had some people that were upset and hurt about a story in a previous episode and felt that we didn't do justice to speaking on fat shaming. And we hope today we can rectify that situation and really just know that we don't ever want

to exclude anyone from the community or feel that we're attacking you, like we want to create such an open, inclusive community. With that being said though, we are an opinion-based podcast and we're just speaking to our personal experience. What we have learned so far in this life are now both of us 27 years on this planet and we're human. We're not going to know it all and we're not claiming to be experts on anything and unfortunately I don't think I ever will be.

So if you ever feel that we missed a point or we would benefit from information, please reach out to us. We love learning. We love growing as people and I would hope that this community is about coming together and having everyone give their takes on stories. We really want to facilitate a community of growth and at the end of the day, having fun and kicking back with lighthearted stories, drama that isn't ours and all the good stuff that we started this for, just want to keep this going and not feel that it's causing

a burden on our own mental health. The anxiety I've had you guys over the past, by the time this episode airs, it'll be two weeks since that story came out and I from the bottom of my heart would never want to hurt anyone within this community or anyone outside of it not listening, so just know nothing we ever say is malicious. Like we're gals having fun, talking shit, giving our take and if it's not for you, we understand we're okay with that. Yeah, exactly.

We don't have to agree. No. You know? No one's ever going to agree. Yeah. I think I said to you, I was like, you can have a painting or a piece of art or something in a room with 100 people and 100 people are going to perceive that differently. Because of their own experiences that led them up to that day.

Yes. That being said, let's dive in. Let's do it. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Two Hot Takes. I'm your host, Morgan. And I'm Justin. And we are joined by a very special guest, also Morgan. What's up?

But I'm Morgan with an X. With an X instead of the A at the end. But we do share, we're neighbors of birthdays. We do. We just found out we're like Pisces twins, fourth and fifth. I love it. Love that. I absolutely love it.

Morgan actually works with Justin in the music industry. He is an artist, which I shouldn't assume. What do you like to identify as actually pronouns? Do you have specific pronouns? Honestly, you can call me whatever you want. It's just call me Morgan. I love he, I love they, I love she. Honestly, I feel fluid.

I feel very non-binary and just feel like I don't need to put myself in one pronoun to feel alive. I love that. Yeah, non-conforming, just out here vibing. Literally, call me vibe, vibes. Morgan has an amazing song coming out. Well, it'll be out by the time this episode airs called Wonder that you guys actually wrote together.

We wrote it together. He is the producer on it of his duo Park Wild. And yeah, it is Wonder with Sarah Bareilles is singing it with me, which is pretty awesome. It's absolutely amazing, you guys. So make sure to check out that song because it fits really well with today's issue and topic and just all about inclusivity and being true to yourself and LGBTQ plus.

Yeah. Yeah, I feel like there's a lot of people out there who are yearning for finding who they are. And I think that I know what that's like because I spent my life trying to become myself and Wonder is definitely an anthem for wondering if you'll ever like find that tribe and find those people. And you definitely will. You just got to keep going.

I love it. That being said, this will be a two part episode. I'm blending Morgan and another friend of mine, Obi from Minnesota to really just kind of encompass all about the LGBTQ plus stories and the body issues and inclusivity. So this will be kind of a two part mix of an episode. Justin, before I forget, will you hold up that little candle? Can you reach it?

Oh, yeah. I just want to give a shout out to this cute little candle company. I don't want to burn myself. Pick it from the bottom. I'll tag it on Instagram when I post the thumbnail, but it's Stavi. It's one of our listeners, little small business, and they sent it in. And you guys, it's the most amazing candle. So I just have to plug that quick before I forget again.

Love it. I know it smells so good. Look at you, little Vanna White. Thank you. Yeah, Vanna White. There's my audition. That being said, let's jump into a listener right in. Let's go. Hi, I wanted to share this story because I think a lot of fellow

buys can relate and should know they're not alone. I was 15 when I first tried to come out to my parents as bi. I was raised in a Catholic church and even went to Catholic school. But I was raised in a gay accepting home. I was trying to come out to my mom while I was also talking to an 18 year old guy at my school. My mom yelled at my dad in the other room, Oh, your bisexual daughter wants to date an 18 year old man.

I was mortified and didn't bring it up again until recently. Now I'm 25, engaged to a man and more confident in my sexuality. Mom and I talked. She said the boomer thing about how no one ever imagines this for their children, but they say they love you anyways and then told me that this doesn't mean you can cheat on your fiance. I was shocked. She would even say that to me.

I did try to educate her on polyamory and ethical non monogamy. And hold her that even though that's not something I'm interested in, it's a totally valid type of relationship. But it fell on deaf ears and we moved on. Haven't talked about it since to anyone who may see this being by doesn't make you any more or less promiscuous or prone to cheating than any other sexuality. Also, the simultaneous fetish is that will fetishization

and demonization of bisexuality is extremely damaging. And then I just have one more listener right in that kind of works to this. Um, so this writer goes, the stigma around being bisexual, the invalidation from, and I'm strictly speaking as a by she, her, the lesbian community, the over sexualization that comes from men and just the overall vibe people give off when you tell them you're bi. You get an, oh, so you like three sums from creepy guys or, oh, so you just don't know if you're gay or not from lesbians.

It's so frustrating. I'm not sure how it is for bisexual men or non-binary members of the community, but I wouldn't doubt it's the same for them. It's like people can't fathom the fact that we are completely capable to have more than just sexual urges towards another human. Like I can have real feelings for both men and women. And it's as if the concept is impossible to grasp. I wish they would stop sexualizing and invalidating us.

Wow. You have invited the perfect guest for this moment. I have so many thoughts. Let's hear them. Okay. Wow. Okay. Okay.

Where do I begin? Okay. Being bi, first of all, like liking people of the same gender, liking people, the opposite gender and liking people of all the genders does not like then make you somehow, some sort of like freak specimen for enjoying, I mean, I don't even want to say like, doesn't mean that you're just completely sexually open. It means you can have great sexual experiences and it can be with so many people. But most importantly, and I think it's a really interesting thing to talk about a

family that's like accepting as like a baseline, because I have an accepting family too that like, you know, for the most part, like, you know, maybe they were sort of like, Oh God, really? Oh no. Okay. But, you know, we're, it's all fine, which I'll get to in a second. But it's like, um, you can be accepting, but then when you start to add in the layer of like polyamory or like, you know, the thought of like somebody, I have a friend

who's like, she mostly dates men, but then she was like dating women and then her parents were sad, but now she's with a man and it's like, well, uh, you can be open as a baseline, but then you have to like look at why does polyamory scare you or why do you immediately think that by being bi, you're somehow like more sexually open or something like that? It's very interesting. I hear that, like even I have gay family members and my uncle is gay. And even like some of the things that you hear about the gay community and how

they're so promiscuous and those men are just so out there. All they care about is sex. I mean, both, both can be true. I mean, you can like, you can be like really into sex, but also be like really monogamous. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You can also be like, I mean, let's talk about that.

Like you can be really monogamous and really into sex. Okay. Like you all should get on that. Um, but like also I feel like the, the terms are when you ask me about my pronouns, I think the thing is, is that, and if I were to sit on one, lol, it would be, it would be probably gender fluid or gender queer or something. Because when you talk about, uh, how do you identify gay by straight, queer, whatever, they're all just like terms.

You know what I mean? I wish when I was be real, real when I was coming out at 18, maybe it's like, I think I started with bi because it's like I've been with women and then it's like, I think I've been with men. But then it's like, Oh no, I came out as gay. And I wish, honestly, I wish I could take that back. I wish I could not have come out as gay because that doesn't actually, that actually doesn't capture like the full range of, of what I feel.

I just thought it was so interesting that this person acknowledges like a very open family, like a gay, like gay positive family, but that then would sort of shame the sort of like, um, you know, there, there's this layer of like, Oh, well, you can be, um, you can be gay, but if you're promiscuous or something, or if you're, if you're fluid, it's somehow like there's a line and I feel like that's something that I just hope society, like, I hope we open up the idea of like, what if you never have to come out? You know what I mean?

Like what if you just are, you know, what if you just, what if you're just, what if you are sexual and that's fine? Yeah. I mean, to each their own, you like what you like and a story. Yeah. It's interesting too. Cause it almost feels like there's a toleration level where it's acceptable to a point, but then if it's, then if you cross these other lines, then you're not

okay at being that, then you're something else or your combo. And then I don't know, it just seems so messy when everything is trying to be compartmentalized into sections when it can just be fluid. That's what's crazy about like pride started as a riot. Like pride was started by black trans women, you know, by people rallying against the system. And now we've got like, literally, I think I just saw like rainbow bread. You know, it's like, I mean, what?

Yeah. Every major corporation coming out and so far. Because when you think of like somebody and, and I have them in my DMs, like you have these people who are like, I live in a small town and I'm so scared. And like, whatever, if they can see like a corporation being like, you're okay, you're beautiful, you're valid. I'm so into it, but just don't take advantage. Yeah.

Don't take advantage. It was, it was a riot and I still feel like we have to hold, you know, there's still people are just still coming to terms with, with every level of like, if you're queer and fit a box that makes sense, that's one thing, you know, but then what if you're like queer and you're kind of messy and. Then those microaggressions come out like this. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I look at like, I think cheating and promiscuity and stuff like that, like it can affect anyone. Doesn't matter what community you're in. We're, I mean, we're all human, right? We're all human, but I looked up something today, I think is interesting cause like I come with facts. Do you know what I mean? Okay.

There are only 20 states right now in America, only 20 states that have laws on the books that ban conversion therapy. I only 20. I just saw this. Yeah. My home, our home state, Minnesota doesn't, it's not banned there. Yeah. It blows my mind.

So like you talk about microaggressions will like look at where that. That's macro. That's big. Yeah. Well, macro, but macro ones sort of like lead to micro ones. It's like a culture of like, you know, the microaggressions come in society that doesn't like help make sure that all humans are equal, that have equal rights, equal opportunity, equal, you know, just equality.

Systemic. Yeah. That's why we're still, that's why we're still on the, on the vibe of pride. I love that. Okay. Facts. I know it's, it's absolutely amazing how far we've come. I mentioned on another episode, I was like, the AIDS epidemic was the 80s.

Like it was only, you know, 40, 30 years ago. So to see how far we've come, you know, and having an amazing champions, like the Stonewall, Stonewall, like those women, like absolutely incredible, what, you know, we've been able to accomplish because of people like that. So it's really, it's really something. If you've ever had to deal with a plumbing problem, you may have felt the pain of realizing you don't know any plumbers, whether you're trying to stop a leaky faucet, fix a running toilet, replace your old water softener, or install

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When I was in high school, I did volunteering for a human rights organization. I got to go on a trip to New York at the United Nations. I was there as a delegate for Canada. The Canadian director, who is an older woman, also came. We traveled while we were on our way from the airport to the UN. And she notices that there were a lot of gay people around. Pride was that weekend.

This woman asked, quote, why is there just gay pride and no straight pride? Me, a closeted by, responds with straight people don't get killed for being straight. Woo. She stopped asking stupid questions after that. Yeah. I bet she did. Yeah. And it's like, you know, the Stonewall women, like black trans individuals are

like the most targeted within the community. And they're like the most murdered. Yes. It's horrendous. I mean, there's a lot that hits the news now, but there's a lot more that doesn't even reach the news. Yeah. I love, I actually was in, um, you got the perfect guess to respond to these.

My God, I have so much to say. You might be like, okay, stop, you know what I mean? Tell me to stop. But anyways, like I was in Boston right around the time that somebody, like somebody in Boston was trying to start straight pride. Oh my God. And here's the thing. Here's my sometimes, um, contentious idea of what pride is because pride was a

riot. We'll never forget that. But I believe that pride can be celebrated by all people, straight, gay, everything. Now go with me. You're going to be like, what? What if pride is about obviously the riot and equality and the fight that we still have, but what if pride is something that can include allies, can

include the people fighting, can include, you know, the progress that we've made, but also the progress that we have yet to make. Um, what if that could all exist? This person said it exactly to the teacher. When you grow up, even if you grow up like in a religious family or something that, cause I've thought of this, if you grow up where it's like, you are not allowed, you know, as a guy to like be with a girl, like whatever, cause that's somehow like not allowed.

You're at least like taught that human nature lets you know that that's okay. Even if you think it might be, um, somewhat wrong or whatever, but add in that, that what you desire and, and what your urges are when you're falling in love with the same sex, that that is both, um, against human nature. That's what you're taught and like sinful and wrong. So add in that layer. That's something that like that straight people just will never understand. No, I can't, I can't relate, but I can't imagine that there's a lot of shame,

guilt, fear, just everything. Cause you don't know what you're going to receive from family. Grew up the only thing we saw on TV shows or movies or any publication, anything we were fans of or saw that was public is almost just one single way. Yeah. Sex ed still is like a not taught as like, you know, an inclusive sex ed. That's like a whole nother conversation that like, you know, needs to happen. It's like, think about all the like, you know, also some sex ed, like doesn't

even teach like literally only teaches abstinence. You know, it's like, come on, people abstinence doesn't work. What I did find interesting is, um, my step siblings are kind of in the later stages of middle school and the other week, they actually learned all the different pronouns being taught at an early age now, which I was actually surprised by it. Cause we had, I didn't have any of that when I was growing up, but it's just, I think it's, it's just makes me feel good to see it's that at least even in a place like Minnesota, they're getting a little better.

They're being taught that I was, I was just kind of surprised. It's, it's, it's a, there is so much progress, you know, and like, so every time I see like another bread with rainbow bread, I'm like, okay, well, I'll take it because, because more people are seeing it, you know, it's just always good to remind people that like, you know, it really does start young. If you can teach people that like, there's many versions of you that are okay. And if you feel like you possess many versions of yourself, that's okay too. And there are terms that might help you feel comfortable in becoming.

And that's really beautiful to hear. Yeah, I know what this story too. It's really interesting that this is like a United Nations worker. Like she's a human rights advocate and yet it's so clueless to make a comment like this. Yeah, I mean, I think like, stupidity doesn't mean that you're not like smart, you know what I mean? Like there's some really smart people who are really stupid, you know, common sense is not that common.

Yeah. And, and sometimes of a generation of a different generation, like even people who like peg themselves as, you know, accepting or, or, you know, I feel like that was a, that was even something that people said a lot this year with like, you know, the riots and everything. They're like, I'm accepting, but this is new to me. It's like people, like there's a lot for people to learn. And now there's like lots of ways for people to be educated on issues that they

might not know about, which is great. Yeah. Definitely. So moving along to the Reddit stories, am I the asshole for being? Yes. The overall vote on this one is asshole. So you're not wrong. Okay.

Am I the asshole for being homophobic by inviting my grandparents to my wedding? I, 21 male, I'm getting married this summer. I am straight. My fiance is a woman. Obviously I have two older cousins. Obviously. I'm sorry. Nothing's obvious these days.

I have two older cousins, 29 male and 26 female. Let's call them Mark and Jane, both of whom are openly gay and lesbian. My grandparents, 87 male and 79 female are unashamedly homophobic. They have attended every straight wedding in the family. They declined invitations to Mark and Jane's weddings because they don't believe that's a real marriage. Here's the problem. Homophobia aside, my grandparents are amazing, hardworking, good people.

I intend to invite them to my own wedding. Jane and Mark completely oppose this because I'm a bit of a golden boy for the family. They want me to exclude my grandparents from my wedding to punish my grandparents and to promote marriage equality. I refuse to listen to them. Most of the family has taken my side, except for Jane, Mark, their in-laws and Mark's parents. They call me a homophobe and a terrible person or beg me not to invite my grandparents.

I won't listen to them, but I feel somewhat sorry that I'm not fighting my grandparents for them. I can't help but feel like a bit of an asshole for that. What do you think, Reddit? Am I the asshole? Wow. Wow. Am I the asshole?

Read the title again. Am I the asshole for being homophobic by inviting my grandparents to my wedding? Um, yeah. You are the asshole. You should not invite your grandparents to the wedding. It's definitely one of the harder topics. I think I've, or one of the harder stories I've ever picked to read. I always say, I'm like, it's your wedding.

Like you can do whatever you want at your wedding. But when you have people like this that are so toxic and, you know, totally devaluing your family members as like human beings, like it's not a real marriage. Well, you know, who's wedding is it? Is it the grandparents' wedding? No, you know, it's this person's wedding. So someone might be like, well, then if they want to invite their grandparents,

they should. But if these people that are very close to them being like their, you know, who is their siblings or their cousins, I mean, it's just to me. I'm going to draw a hard line at, if you're going to be homophobic, then like, you don't just get to eat at the buffet for free all the time, you know? It's like generations need to learn. And I can't, I can't be forgiving if somebody is just like homophobic and mean. It's like, I've just worked too hard and too much therapy to be like, I'm doing it.

Yeah, I mean, it's just a terrible, to be the person though, too, you're just kind of trapped in the middle of this whole thing. And it almost, it almost feels like you're picking sides, no matter what you do. What he's not saying is how close he is with these cousins, you know? So he's asking, am I homophobic for inviting these homophobic grandparents to this wedding? To me, if he's asking Reddit, then he probably is close with these cousins and cares about what they think and who they are and how they feel. If he wants to really make a difference in the family, then he doesn't invite those

grandparents, definitely, they can zoom in. Yeah, well, it's so interesting, too, with like, just like, what does he say here? What are people saying to him? Can you go into that? I will, I do. So him saying though, homophobia aside, they're amazing, hardworking, good people. But like, it's like, say someone was a murderer, would you say, well, murderer aside, he's a kind, caring person.

Like, no. That is what that sentence sounds like. Yeah. It's literally like murdering a side. They're really kind. Exactly. It's like homophobia aside. Like, and you just don't know, yes, they just, you know, they declined the wedding

invite, but you don't know how they truly treat these cousins either. Yeah. Like with the cousins being at the wedding. I want to know how close he is with these cousins. And I want to know what their relationship is like. Yeah. So the top comment on this one is a long one. Rather than leave a judgment, I'll give you my thoughts as a gay person.

I don't have the ability to think about things through the lens of homophobia aside. All of that homophobia that others can put to the side is always front and center for us. It affects our employment, our safety, our mental health, and a lot of other areas of our lives that would otherwise be normal, but we're queer. So people can't leave well enough alone. I've had people threaten my employment just because I'm gay. People I didn't even know.

Homophobes believe that queer people are less than you just said, they don't believe James and Mark's marriages are real. They don't believe they're valid. They don't believe they deserve happiness or peace of mind. Imagine if your grandparents told you they didn't approve of your marriage and would not attend the wedding. How hurt would you be to see these people who up until then you had such a wonderful relationship with?

What about Jane and Mark? How was it to find out that these people wouldn't attend? And it is just the wedding. Have your grandparents failed to acknowledge them elsewhere, failed to treat them with the same respect they give everyone else? What goes on that maybe you don't see. So now you have the grandparents come in your wedding and you've asked Jane and Mark to suck up the reminder that grandma and grandpa see them as lesser by the

very act of your grandparents presence, enjoying themselves, laughing, dancing, stuff they'd never do for Jane and Mark, who at some point were kids, I assume, who looked up to them. And even if they weren't disowned, you don't get to accept queer people only when they fit in. And by inviting them, the message you send is, I know they treated you like shit, but they don't treat me like shit. So, you know, get over it.

You've established that your values are only your values insofar as the issue affects you and your own life directly. Wow. That made me emotional. I'm so glad the internet exists. Oh my God. That's probably one of the most incredible responses we've ever had for any story. Yeah.

That response captures exactly the heart of the moment, which is that you can't just put homophobia into a cute biscuit size, you know, item and be like, besides that small murder moment, you know, they're good people. It's like, no, it actually affects everything. And if you like, I don't know, like, what I'm going to say, I'm just going to say it, but it's like, are these grandparents paying for the wedding? Because like, maybe that's what is happening. And maybe you need to just be like, no, you know, because homophobia is not,

not the answer. Yeah, it's not. And it's like, unfortunately in these older generations, it's so deeply ingrained in them. Like my, like I've said, my uncle is gay and my grandma doesn't acknowledge it. At all, like doesn't, doesn't believe it. Like his partner comes to things. But like even growing up, it was always like his, um, his first like husband partner, it wasn't even legal to get married at that time.

And his first partner died. And it was always like, oh, well, Derek's friend, Walt, like, I never even knew my uncle was gay. Like it didn't click in my head because it was always like, oh, his friend is coming, his roommate, like, because it was a great film, Uncle Frank, I think it's what it's called on Amazon. I think it's Uncle Frank. I'm pretty sure you can double check, but, um, it's a really great film that kind

of has like an uncle with his friend, roommate kind of thing. It's a, it's a great, it's great. How did his first partner die? He had cancer. Yeah. See, like, you know, we, I think people think of queer love stories as, as some other version of love, but like queer love is love. Yeah.

You know, like people love deeply. People feel committed. Sure, there's promiscuity. There's promiscuity in whatever gender you're attracted to. I wish that like straight people acknowledged it more. It might like save more marriages. You know what I mean? But it's like, uh, what a take.

Um, like queer love is love. That's, that's the, that's the t-shirt. Yeah. I know it's very, it's very hard to like even wrap my head around and like, I don't know, like just talking to my grandma, like it's just, it's just something. She's very religious and it's just something she'll never, ever wrap her head around. But I think in this case, like I think if my uncle, you know, with his partner, he has now did decide to get married, I think my grandma would still go.

I don't think she would decline the invitation. It's just, it's so, it's so weird and complicated. That's why where some people will be like, where some people will be like, I, you know, the religion, it like keeps them from like accepting whatever, but, but they will like, they will go to the wedding. They will do like everything they just like, you know, and that, you know, action speak way louder than words, you know, the action of like bringing the homophobic grandparents to the wedding, which is just, is just that they didn't show up to

the, the gay ones, you know, that is so cut and dry, that action. I, I can't, I just feel like there's so much more positive to them not going because I feel like if they go, the cousins and whomever is going to, it's going to start spreading like this, just this feel, this uncomfortable feeling at this wedding, I feel like it'll spread and, you know, feelings and vibes are infectious, so it very much would, could change the whole feeling of the day throughout a lot of the people there. Yeah.

And it honestly might feel, it might feel powerful. Like you're taking a stance, you're doing something right in the moment to not invite them, but I feel like you got to, you got to really come to terms and make that choice on your own. Yeah. It can't be like, oh, I'm going to be the good guy and stand for all this change if you don't truly believe it. Yeah.

So it's got to come down. That's a good point. It's got to come down to what this person feels. And if they truly feel that it is wrong, then they'll make the right choice. Yeah. That intrinsic motivation. Yeah. There is another comment after that really long one that was so good.

And they go, this sums it up super well. OP, you're the asshole and your cousins and their families won't forget how complicit you decided to be with hate and bigotry just because it didn't affect you. Right. They do have a little edit. Thanks for the replies. I just wanted to clarify one thing. My grandparents will be mostly respectful to Jane and Mark if they're at the wedding.

They call their spouses, their boyfriend and girlfriend, and don't show that they're bothered by their relationship. And so unless someone straight up asked them, I should also add that they don't hate Mark, even though they dodged his wedding, they helped pay for his college tuition and he and his husband's house mortgage. They didn't do this for Jane or Jane's straight brother because they have conservative views on immigration and my grandparents are immigrants. So very interesting, very twisted, very confusing.

Yeah, it's very mixed signals. They're little fucking cherry pickers. They make no sense with what they're doing, but also like, oh, they're mostly respectful. Well, if you're calling their spouse, their boyfriend and girlfriend, that's such a microaggression in itself. That's not respectful at all. Yeah, the mostly respectful, besides the homophobia, it's like, what, what dish are you like really like serving at this wedding?

Cause you're not like, for me, that would feel so present. Like if they're going to call like my partner, you know, like my little friend, you know what I mean? It's like, what? Okay. It's that in itself is not respectful. That also feels like, it just feels like a scene from a movie or something. It does.

It feels like, I really hope he doesn't invite his grandparents. That's what I take. It's just like, they may not sit there and cause a huge scene. They may have the day go through and it's just all fine and dandy, but they're still devaluing humans that are there. Yeah. Yes. And that feeling like I thought before is going to spread.

Like it's just, there's a lot of unhappy vibes when it could be a very, all 100% happy day. Well said. Mike, drop right there. I'm not going to drop it though. There's no updates or additional comments from OP. So this was a month ago. I will keep my eyes peeled to see where, when is the wedding?

I know. Do I go, do I perform? Let's crash it. Let's go. How would grandpa feel about me? Yeah. Looking for lawn care that'll leave your lawn and wallet greener, your local weed man will do the work while you enjoy the results.

Right now, first time service is just 29.95. Go to weedman.com and enter promo code first 29. Speaking of weddings, am I the asshole for having my 28 male coming out very late, including a secret private wedding? We had a family dinner recently. We all got tested and live in a country that has more relaxed rules right now. My father and mother, both in their late fifties, my brother and his wife, and me and my husband.

The thing is, I have always told my family, my now husband, is my roommate, best friend, or brother from another family. He was never there at family gatherings, only in rare cases, but not like a boyfriend. I was careful not to show too many signs. I also got married to the love of my life two months ago, only us, no family and friends. We have both stable jobs and income and our own spacey apartment. We even talked about getting a pet and someday even children. I just wanted to be completely sure to only come out when I'm independent from my

family. They're not homophobic. The topic of LGBT just never came up, so I was not sure how they would react. So we had our rings on and I nervously, but also happily told my family that I'm gay and married. Guys, there was a dead silence at the table. Everyone was looking at us in pure disbelief. Then my mother asked for how long? And I answered, we were married for two months and together for three years.

I could tell she was angry and told me she couldn't believe the audacity. Took some of the dishes and left the table. My father threw a rebunking look at us and followed her. My brother was also not very happy because he asked me about being gay some years ago and I denied it without a second thought. He said congrats and made efforts to leave too. My sister-in-law did the same, politely said congrats and left with my brother. I can't believe how they reacted.

I thought they could be happy for me, but I think I was wrong here. I wrote my mother a long text message, how disappointed I was in her reaction. She only responded with, you're unbelievable. You lied to us for three years, didn't even tell us your engagement. And now acting like a victim, to which I replied that it was my choice to come out whenever I felt ready, to which she only replied, yes. And it's my decision. If I ever want to talk to my lying son ever again, I should also mention she had

a relationship shortly after her graduation with a gay man for some months. At the end, he told her he thought it could have worked because she had some manly features. It made her distrust men. She dated for a long time, which I don't think that's the problem your mom is having here. Wow. That is also so layered.

I have a question. I have a question for the room. Are they mad that he's gay or are they mad that he got married and didn't tell them because it's not clear to me. That's the second one is the vibe I'm getting. I feel like she's so hurt and upset because they maybe would have been understanding, but the fact that they lied or he lied, you know, for three years and then they just secretly got married.

Like that's what I was getting to. So here is the exact trap of coming out. This is, this is why I'm going to just be like, what if we never came out? What if we, and that's going to sound like that we stay in the closet? Not at all. Like what if you could be okay with like loving whoever you're going to love? Because I do, I don't think there's, there's no right time to come out and there's no like, you can never be, um, almost what I said is so controversial.

So I'm like, just literally going to unpack it. It's like, you don't, there's no right time to come out and there's no right way to come out and especially here's the bigger one. You don't have to be in a relationship with somebody to come out. And I feel like that is something that people, his story, I think it was him. His story is very common where people are like, I'll come out when I'm in a relationship, cause then I can be like, okay, here it is. Can you be happy now?

Yeah. And I feel like his ran so deep. It's like, I'll come out when I'm in a stable relationship, when I marry that person, independent from family, then I'll come out. And it's like, what if, what if somewhere along the way, he knew that he could have come out before he even met his partner, right? What if he knew that he could discover and be okay with himself before that even happened, um, because then, then he would have been out and maybe they would

have had, maybe it would have been some sort of like, I don't know, but like, maybe they could have known this relationship. Maybe then they would be invited to the wedding. And that's the thing too. Like you've been, you know, they were dating for three years and he didn't go to any family events, like on the rare occasion. Like your family, he said they're not homophobic. Like I can understand staying, you know, in the closet.

If your family is extremely homophobic, you're scared, you know, you're under 18 and you're scared you're going to get kicked out and like all those repercussions. Like I get that, but like he said, like they're not homophobic. And so to hide your relationship and like who you are for so long when you don't need to, or potentially didn't need to. But he didn't go into his fear of why he didn't come out until after he was married, so I can only, I can only add on, you know, I can just sort of imagine. But it's in, you know, it's, it's interesting that the family was mad.

Um, when maybe they were just sad that they weren't included as well. That's what I think it is. Yeah. Cause as you're reading it, the more and more I felt like it's not a gay issue. It's not an issue with being homophobic. I then just thought about it would be like, if you and I showed up back home for the holidays and we walk into your house and we go, oh, we eloped. Oh, guess what?

We're married. Your mom would flip. My mom would kill you. Well, my, and my parents would be like, dude, like what, why? Cause they, right. They want to be, yeah. It's a special day. And the fact that it would almost be like as I went home, I would blatantly say,

Oh no, Morgan's not my girlfriend. I don't have a girlfriend or whatever it is. And then all of a sudden we're married. I think that's where it's like, it would kind of be like, well, okay. Thanks for, thanks for, that's where the queer layer comes into play because it's like, because again, if, if coming out wasn't even like a part of the, wasn't even a part of pop culture, it would just be like whatever person you're dating, whatever gender is just okay as a baseline.

Then we, then it wouldn't even be in that situation. Right. You are absolutely going to love the shits Creek bonus feature because this is like what they talk about. They're like, we never had a conversation about coming out. It just was like people in the show, like being gay, being pansexual, being, you know, bi, it just was. And it was accepted.

That's what I loved about it. It's one of the most, this, when you watch this, it's one of the most beautiful things you'll ever see. Bald my fucking eyes out. I can't wait. You have plans tonight now. You have plans. Yeah.

You have homework. Booked and busy. Yeah. Yeah. So someone commented on the post and goes, do you realize that it's not about you being gay? It's about you hiding a whole ass relationship and marriage. If you'd surprised them with a wife, do you think they would have responded

drastically differently to how they did already? An OP actually comments back and goes, after I read all those comments, yes, I think they would have reacted the same way with a woman. I give my family some space and I'll try to talk to my mother first. Yeah, I think the, the only thing at this point that he could do is just give the emotional and just the, whatever he was feeling and the reason he hit it. Yeah. I think that's, that's all you can try to explain at this point because yes, you

did kind of lie and you did hide things. Yeah. So now just try and make them understand what made you feel the need to do that. Yeah. Because you consciously would be making that choice every day. You'd be choosing not to, not to share that. And I can't imagine it's easy to hide such an important relationship to the point where you even get married to this person and to hide that from the people

you're closest to in life. Yeah. Well, that is the queer story that when you think about why things need to be taught in schools like pronouns and sexuality and all of that stuff, it's like if we're literally taking off the table, being worried about the coming out part, then you, then, then you won't hear stories like that. Exactly. But it's so common within queer space.

This one has a different twist where it's like, it's actually not about the gender of the person that is the thing, but it's because they felt like they had to be so secretive that it led to the moment where the family gets upset. Yeah. I hope that he can have a good, good conversation with his mother and I hope that one turns out nice. Yeah. Me as well.

Yeah. Overall vote on this post was you're the asshole, which yeah, top comment. You're the asshole. I'm afraid it's true that you can choose to come out or not as and when you feel ready, but you're the asshole for expecting your family to be nothing but delighted when you drop the bomb that you've had a partner for years and are married and for going after them about it when they were shocked. It's not about whether you're straight, gay, or anything else.

It's about the fact that you hid the significant event of your wedding from your family and then expected congratulations when you sprung a completely unexpected thing on them. Since they have never given you any reason to think they would be homophobic, it's also going to be deeply hurtful to them that you hid a major part of your life from them because you assumed they would be. Up next, also God, I like everyone I picked like relates to the last one. Also kind of playing into being in the closet still is this next story.

Am I the asshole for being honest with my niece when she asked for my advice? I am gay and have been out of the closet for more than 15 years. My niece is a lesbian and she came out a few years ago. She is 20 years old. We are close and we talk a few times every month. Last month she had called me and asked me for advice. She asked what my experience dating people still in the closet had been. I didn't think much of it.

She has asked me about my experiences before. She wants to write a book about LGBTQ plus. And I thought it was mostly as material for the book. I was honest with her. It is hard to date someone in the closet. It is almost as if you have to shove some part of yourself back into the closet to not out your partner. I told her that I had seen many people who started their relationship while a

partner was out and the other was still in the closet. But they were able to support each other and come out and get married and be happy together. I also talked about my experience dating a man who was in the closet and he was an incredible partner, but he was not willing to come out at all. The best outcome I could hope for was to be roommate. After some time, I started to feel more like a guilty secret than his boyfriend. I couldn't force him to come out.

So I broke up with him. He had to choose between family and me and he chose his family. Nothing wrong with that. I emphasized that it was about trust. If you trusted your partner to come out in time, it was worth it. But if you had doubts about if they could ever build a life together, then it is better to break up with them. My sister called me and shouted at me for projecting my experience onto her daughter.

She seems to have broken up with her girlfriend who was still in the closet. I didn't even know she had a girlfriend. She accused me of poisoning her mind. I feel a bit guilty as my opinion is jaded by my experiences. Had I known she was asking about her own relationship, I would have been a bit more cautious with my words. Am I the asshole? Wow.

That is, I am, wow, that is very real. And I think that this person's awareness makes me vote that they are not the asshole. I would agree. And that is the overall vote of the thread as well. Not the asshole. Generations are different. And like, even within like the queer gay, whatever space, it's like the progress made within the last five years is very different than the progress made in the

last 15 years, you know, or the last like year. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like I feel like there's so much more awareness around like pronouns to the point that like, that's like, that feels like in the last year where people who never even knew that there were other pronouns are like talking about it, you know, um, wow, I've dated people who have at points been in the closet. I mean, at one point I was in the closet.

You know what I mean? At one point everyone out of the closet was in the closet. So it's a really, it's really an interesting thing because you can't rush someone's, um, coming out. And there used to be like, you know, and, and still is a stigma around when you're like in Hollywood or when you're like, you know, when you're seen as an entertainer, like what that actually means. Even though there's like, you know, even though there's like so much awareness

and acceptance right now, there's also like, you know, there are countries where it's just like not okay. Yeah. And still, and that actually was like a thing that happened in like the Olympics. That was like maybe several years ago where people were outing like athletes because they found them on grinder. And that was awful because some of those athletes were like at the Olympics and safe and could be out, but in their country where they're from, it's a death sentence.

Yeah. You know, I think that's something that's really interesting too. Like you saying that because we do have global listeners and so this could be streaming or, you know, whatever in countries that it is illegal to be gay or a death sentence. So it's actually good if that, if that is you where it's like, just got chills because it's like important to know that you can be in the closet and still have very valid love, you know what I mean?

And I feel like if you're both in the closet, it can be very valid. If you're one is in the closet and one is not, it can also be very valid. I do think that the person that posted said something that is true. That's like, you trust that they, that they will come out. Yeah. If that is a possibility, you know, yeah. And maybe that's just like not something that you need to rush, you know, and I hope that the, that the, that the person, the niece that he was talking to, I hope

that, that she knows that her love is still valid. Yeah. Well, it's interesting too, because you look at, you know, this individual's 20. So maybe she's dating someone in a similar age, but the last story we read was the individual's 28. Like there isn't really a timeline for coming out. No. And it is when you're, you know, the most comfortable and feel that you can.

So it's just, it's very interesting to me. Yeah. Yeah. And it's interesting too to think about, I just feel like sometimes more knowledge is power in the, in the fact that he did share so much, even though he said, well, if he kind of knew about the relationship, he might have chosen his words. I don't know, it's just hard to know when you should tell the full truth and just be like, this is exactly what I've experienced, take it with a grain of salt.

But I almost, it almost feels like you're holding, if you hold back, it just feels like it's going to limit. You're not being as true either. Yeah. And it sounds like they gave very like advice that was on both sides. Like they told the story about how I have friends that have dated partners in the closet and they eventually came out and they got married, happy relationships. However, for me, that wasn't my experience.

And I think, you know, with the last story too, and this one, if you're okay with your partner being in the closet and that's like a dynamic that doesn't affect your relationship, then so be it. Like the last, you know, couple, they got married and he was still technically not out to his family. I think this girl, like, I don't think she would have broken up with her girlfriend. If she wasn't already questioning things and unhappy with the dynamic. Right.

That it was just the mother that really just went into mama, mama mode. And she was like, yeah. Well, and she's old enough to come to that decision. It's not like a kid where you go give advice and they go do something dumb just because they don't know any better. Yeah. No, she's more like she is coming into her own. She definitely has the ability to kind of make these choices about her life.

And so more knowledge actually probably helped her make a better decision. 100%. I'm glad you globalized it though, because like if a listener is in the closet, if they're both in the closet or one is and one is not, I think it's really important to just say again that, that your love is valid. 100%. And at the end of the day, there's no timeline for it. There's not.

And you have to be happy. You have to be healthy and safe. And so whatever that looks like for you and whatever you need to do, do it. Like don't feel like you have to conform to anyone else's idea of what's normal or societal pressures. Like be you and be safe and all that jazz. Side note, we never talked about the like, the like little add on from the last story about like the mother who like had dated a man who like said that he

liked her because of the manly features or something. Oh my gosh. Honestly, that sounds crazy and sounds like that mother needs to like talk about that more openly with maybe that will help her and her son become closer together. I don't know. Like whatever that was as an aside was actually just such a huge moment. And then I realized we just like, there was a lot in that last story, so that one is just like ricocheting in my brain right now.

Yeah, that was really weird. Super unnecessary, but also like the fact that he knew it was a story or a thing. Like, I wonder what she's still holding on about it. Cause it sounds like she married somebody and had kids and has moved on apparently, but that that is a centered story in someone's narrative. Like that sounds like drama. Yes. For real?

Yeah. Such a weird little note. Yeah. Bringing it full circle. Hi, Jan from Toyota speaking. Jan, I heard it's a good time to buy a Toyota. Sure is. From now until April 4th, you can shop all your favorites like Corolla, RAV4,

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Dealer inventory may vary. So up next, am I the asshole for telling my seven year old cousin I am gay and married? I picked quite the assortment for it, didn't I? I don't know where this is going to go, but offhand, no, you're not the asshole, but keep going. Okay. I was over at my mom's house when my cousin Brianna came over with her seven year old son, Devin.

We were hanging out when she and mom decided they wanted to go shopping. Devin was watching Paw Patrol and didn't want to go. So I said, I'd stay with and watch him. They left and I went into the dead with Devin. About 20 or so minutes later, Kayla, my wife calls me to discuss dinner plans. When I was going to hang up, I told her, okay, see you soon. Love you. Bye.

Devin turns to me and said, you shouldn't tell people you love them unless they are family, which is pretty good advice of year seven. So I said, Kayla is family, Devin. She is my wife, but he was confused because I was a girl and Kayla is a girl. And he thought we were roommates. He thought about it for a minute. Then he decided that I should have a husband. So I told him, well, I don't want a husband.

I want a wife. Girls can have wives and boys can have husbands if they want. Or girls can have husbands and boys can have wives like your mommy and daddy. He was still confused. So he asked some questions. A lot of questions were about the his and hers or Mr and Mrs stuff. I guess his parents have a lot of that at home or who did what chores, but he generally seemed to get it.

He didn't ask about babies or anything, thankfully, and I kept everything PG. Well, my mom and cousin got home. He went to tell his mom the news and she was not happy. She asked me outside and started laying into me about overstepping my boundaries. I thought it was because she thought I told him about sex or babies or something. So I told her what happened. She still wasn't happy. She said they, her and her husband have been telling the kids that we were roommates

and I should have stuck with that, but I didn't know this, nor do I really like it. I told her she was being intolerant because I know she told the kids that my brother and her sister were married at it, like not to each other. Then my mom came out to see what all the fuss was about and we told her what happened. She just said, Oh, and stayed on the fence. Then Brianna went inside to grab Devon and they both left. I asked mom what she knew about it. And apparently she knew about the roommate lie.

I was angry with her too, after that. So I left. I got home and told Kayla about it, but she didn't get as upset about it. Called it a misunderstanding. Later on, I got a call from my cousin and her husband about how I need to apologize to them, but I didn't. Now they have taken to Facebook to tell everyone how I indoctrinated their son. I'm getting calls and texts from people telling me I had no right to tell

him that because it is a controversial subject and he is too young to get it. Mom has come out firmly on my side now, but my brother said I shouldn't tell other people's kids these things at all. I don't think I am wrong, but I don't have kids. I honestly don't think I'd mind because I kept everything PG, but I could be wrong. Not the asshole. No, mom's the asshole at all. The cousin.

That's the mom. Yeah. Asshole. Yeah. That one is like, um, yeah, that, that one breaks my heart. I didn't know it was going to get so dark. Like I just read the title and now I'm like, holy fuck, this got a little dark. Yeah, but it's like, um, this is the thing.

It's like there is so much misconception about like what it means to be gay. And it's like, if you are so threatened, if you're so threatened that your child learns about like the inclusivity of humanity, as that is some sort of like, um, invitation or, you know. Induct trend in whatever she use. Like what? Yeah, yeah, it's, um, I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something personal.

Uh, my dad, when I like came out, he was like worried that I, that by sending me to theater camp, that that had made me gay. And it's like that becomes this question where people are like, if you teach children about how there's so many different kinds of humanity and so many different types of people that you're somehow making them that way, that sounds like your own insecurity. You know what I mean? So this person is not the asshole.

Yeah. I mean, it could have been a, like a very progressive step. It was, she did exactly the right thing. And then all of a sudden now there's a seven year old who's, who starts opening their mind and we'll further, like it'll help change. It'll help the progression. It'll help everything get better in that sense. Yeah.

And then the mom comes in and just like, drop the hammer on it. Yeah. I mean, that literally was my experience. Like my uncle, oh, that's his roommate. That's his friend. Like, and you don't have to lie to kids. Like kids are so like warm. Like they're kids.

They're like these innocent little things. So like he was like, okay, cool. Like after you got it explained, okay, cool. And like there was this song going around on Tik Tok and it was this mom and her daughter, I believe, or maybe it's a little boy, I'm not sure, but they were singing a song to like the Adams family. And it was like, some people have two mommies and then some have two daddies. And like, it was just like the cutest little song and like the comments were so

heartwarming. Everyone was like, I'm going to start singing this out my daycare. I love it. And it's like, that's how it should be. Like it's not a controversial issue if you're here in the United States at least. Like it is pretty, you know, in most states, it's legal to be married if you're the, of the same sex and blah, blah, blah. So it's like, it's not that controversial.

It's kind of like a fact and your kid's going to see it. It sounds like what was maybe the hardest part was that the mother knew about the roommate joke, like the roommate line as if like, like it was all the sudden, the realization that like, not only were we not telling the seven year old about like how, you know, she has a wife, it's that the whole family was in on this like lie that had to be told, but not explained to the, to this person being like, you know, Hey, so, you know, you have your wife, but just so you know, we're lying and not telling people that are you cool with that, you know, so messed up.

It's almost like, again, a microaggression and like homophobia is, this is, if anything, all these, like microaggressions lead up to a culture of macroaggressions, you know, but also inversely, macroaggressions make a culture in which microaggressions are just like, Oh, like it's fine. I was just, you know, I'm not even going to like use a derogatory term for a gay person, but it's like, if you, if you don't stop the culture from allowing it, it'll just keep going. Yep.

Exactly. Yep. There's a lot of updates on this one. Love. Um, update, had to feel some more calls after linking this to my Facebook wall. Apparently my cousin's husband was telling people that I went out of my way to tell him about us. He also left out the roommate part and the fact that I kept everything PG.

I'm not his Facebook friend, so I didn't see these. I also asked my mom why she went along with the roommate thing. She said it was to keep the peace with my cousin because she likes having the kids over. I told her that it hurt me that she would lie about me like that. And she apologized. She said she wouldn't lie about it to the kids anymore. Edit number two.

Hello again, everyone. I've read through most of your comments and I want to say thank you for the overwhelming support. After I put this on my Facebook page, I got a lot of return calls and texts saying that my cousin's husband put an exaggerated version up on his wall, saying that I introduced the subject and tried to convince him into being gay. The ones who did call and text back did apologize for rushing their judgment, which was nice.

I have to clarify that my brother and my cousin's sister are not married to each other. Sorry, that was confusing. They're both in hetero marriages though. I also feel like explaining why they told Devon to only say, I love you to family. There was a time when he was four or so, when he would tell everyone that he loved them, like even people he passed on the street. So that's why they told him it's only for family.

I also watched a video on YouTube of something called the Marlon Bundo book. And I loved it. Had to order one for Kayla and I, my mother and I also resolved not to watch my cousin's kids anymore until I received an apology from them. It was actually my mom's idea. She thinks they will come around real fast because she watches the kids a lot. Thank you again, guys. I will keep you all posted if anything else happens.

I have to know. I know what's going to happen. I also need to know where they, like what state they're in. I know, you know, top comment on this one, not the asshole. His parents shouldn't have lied him about you and your wife being roommates. The way you explained it is how I would explain it to kids who would ask me. I don't think you overstepped your boundaries. Devin is going to meet LGBTQ plus people in his life.

Might as well explain it to him now rather than later. And the next comment, the roommates is such a like fifties age code for gay to make people feel okay and it's not, yeah, not the asshole. And I think the cutting off the free babysitting will have some quick ramifications, isn't that crazy that that can be like, uh, that that can be like a way to like find progress where it's like, okay. Well, if you want to like, just deny my humanity, then I'm going to stop doing the free babysitting.

Okay. And then it's like, no, no, no, now I'm cool. It's like, okay, you know, like pathetic. Wow. I mean, it just directly contradicts all of the progress that's being made. Yeah. It just literally cuts it right off in, for in, in this, in this family, not, not overall, but I think that happens a lot.

And I think that's probably pretty common throughout a whole bunch of different families across the world. And that's what makes change so much harder. Yeah. Is when this seven year old is now being, is going to be like taught to just think a certain way versus just being open. And when you probably learned this and was like, oh, cool. I'm going to, I want to tell people because I'm excited about it.

It's not like, oh, guess what she told me? It was whore, whatever it's, and then it just immediately is cut off. And so this is an example of where I love the internet, you know, that the internet can pose that question and people can, can, can respond to it. And honestly, we can comment on it as like a, um, it gives me hope in some, in some weird way that we're moving towards a more nuanced and open society. By examining the moments of microaggressions and hopefully, uh, moving it in a direction of acceptance.

Yeah. Well, and I think the comment too, like he's going to encounter people with, from the community. And it's like, that's the real world. Why not raise your kid to function the best that they can in the real world? Yeah. You can't shelter and like helicopter parent your kid forever. No.

Like what do you expect? So yeah. Yeah. I'm still thinking about the mother who had the comment from the guy that was like, you have manly features, but honestly, that's a beautiful quality. And I just wonder why she, I just, I just, I wish I had a sharper jaw line. I wish that we were just talking about features and we just weren't gendering them.

Do you know what I mean? Like, can we possess all of it? Can't, you know, why can't we just have it all? Why can't we just have features that feel manly, feel feminine and why can't that be the mark of a beautifully expressed person? Yeah. It's really interesting. My other, um, guess that came on too, like made a comment about that.

And he's like, why, you know, it's, it's plays into the toxic masculinity. And it's like boys can't be feminine, but it's like boys not being able to have some feminine energy creates so much, so many problems. Oh my God. Like toxic masculinity. Look how damaging it is to society. Yeah. So it's, it's really crazy.

And then when I posed, you know, the question overall to the listeners and I said, you know, does anyone have any issues they'd like to talk about? And one of, um, the listeners mentioned clothing and how clothing can be very, very difficult for them because they are non-binary. Mom still expects them to be she and dress very feminine. And so that's like a big issue for them and creates a lot of body dysmorphia. And you know, for me, I'm like, I think it's so ridiculous that we even gender clothes, like if you can style it in a way that makes you comfortable and you

like the way it looks, like go for it. Yeah. That's why there's like tons of designers that I follow and that I try to wear that like don't subscribe to that binary and also where you can take like, you know, with simple tailoring, you can like turn something that has the boxy structure of like a masculine frame or whatever, and you can sort of turn it into feminine, but then, you know, throw out all the words altogether and you can just find something that, that fits your body, which is, which is devoid of gender.

It's like, whatever just makes your, what makes you feel alive. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. The boys section is my jam. I love more masculine clothes and stuff. Well, thank you for joining us. This has been so great.

I loved this so much. Your takes were completely on point, hot, spicy, on point, love the hot sauce. Yeah. Thanks for having me. Yes. Make sure to check out Wonder. You guys, it drops Tuesday at midnight.

Yeah. Tuesday at midnight. So it'll be out by the time you guys hear this episode. And the second half of my EP comes this fall. Oh, okay. So make sure to subscribe on Spotify. Yes. Follow all that jazz.

All of it. Okay. Well, thanks again. Thank you. Hi guys. Welcome back to another episode of Two Hot Takes. I'm your host, Morgan. I'm Alejandra.

And today we are joined by a very special guest and old friend. Hello. We're joined by Obadiah. Yes. He goes by simply Obadiah on Instagram and then Obadiah. David. David on TikTok. So we've known Obadiah for all hundred go way back.

You go way back. Yeah. It was like fresh or once I went to high school and then our school started to collide and start hanging out. Collab. Yeah. A collab. Right.

So I'm very excited. Obadiah is big on energy. And if you ever want to like feel like you just have a very safe place or need some calming energy, tranquil energy, or even like energizing energy, check out his TikTok. He's just a beautiful spirit. We'll put it that way. So this episode is going to be very much so about energy, but also relating to

issues in regards to body image, inclusivity, and LGBTQ plus. Love. So up next, I, female 39, found out that my son, male 16, is gay. Would I be the asshole to bring it up? Me and my husband and our youngest son were at home and our oldest son left after telling us he was going to meet a friend. I was going to make dinner, so I left to go buy ingredients for it. While I was pulling bags to my car, I saw something.

My son and another boy about the same age were walking past the shop, holding hands. As I watched them walk away, the other boy gave him a kiss. Oh my God. That's how she found out. Yeah. Later that day, my son came back and despite what I had planned, I didn't bring it up. He clearly didn't want us to know, but I would really like to talk about safety and things like that and just overall about the fact that he was lying to us.

Would I be the asshole to bring it up? I have my perspective. You're the asshole, not the asshole. What are you leaning towards right now? I like her intentions and I don't want to say much of like, like you're an asshole, but it's more of like a, like you have the right intentions, but it shouldn't be to like, it shouldn't be about like the safety or like the lying or whatever. Yeah, the lying, I'm like, he's, he doesn't know, he's young.

He's, yeah, it doesn't come out. Like let him have that experience. Yeah. Like, like be, be a supportive mother in like almost like asking like a question in like a very subtle way. It can be like very slight with it. Like my mom showed me like her support by, I mean, it's been recent too, but just like, just like as long as you're happy, I'm happy or like, uh, like just something that is

showing support rather than telling me how to live my life, you know? And like safety is like, we know, you know, you don't need to tell us that. Like children are very, very aware, specifically these days with everything, like how they raise the access to information, information. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. I would say you have good intentions, but also let him come to you.

Maybe the execution isn't there yet. The execution isn't there. You have to figure that out. I'll go back to the drawing board and just, and then approach in a more graceful way. You know, I agree. I agree. So the top comment, you're the asshole, because you say you want to talk about how he was lying to you, going into this saying he's a liar because he wasn't ready

to come out to you is going to end badly. Coming out is a huge thing for people. It can be very traumatic. You need to be supportive and understanding, not immediately hostile and negative. Don't fuck this up for him or for you. How you react to this could have consequences that last the rest of your life. Yep. Yeah, that's true.

You say you want to talk about safety because you saw him with a dude. Why wouldn't you talk to him about safety? If you saw him with a girl, he's 16. So I would have thought he'd have a sex ed at school. Even if you choose not to discuss it. Yep. If I was you and my son is a bit younger, but I can certainly imagine myself being here one day and I was worried about safety.

I would sit him down and have a sex talk that covers both hetero and homosexual safety and let him know they're happy. However things work out, but safety is important for all teenagers. And when he does get a girlfriend or a boyfriend, you'd love to meet them. And I think that's the biggest thing. Like he could be bi. You don't know how he identifies. You're assuming sex ed talks, I think are like people these days.

I think do not give good sex ed talks to their children. I didn't have one. Justin didn't really have one. Like, I know a lot of people that didn't really get sex ed talks. And I'm like me, like I offered to his mom. I was like, if you want me to give a sex ed talk to any of the kids, let's go. I love talking about sexuality and like start talking to them young, like be safe, like prevent lifelong consequences of sex because you don't know these things.

Like, and like they said, hetero, gay, queer, whatever he's identifying as, you don't know, give him just general sex talk. Yeah. If you're so concerned about safety, that's what, like when I read this, I was like, yes. Yeah. Also, like she peeked in and to like a very like special moment for him. I know she's not supposed, she wasn't supposed to see that.

Yeah. So it's like, it's not really her place to like say anything. Like, no, let him, let him come to you when he's comfortable. And like, this could be, that could have been the first kiss. Right. Yes. You don't know what you just saw. First kiss and after that kiss, he could be like, Oh, wait, I didn't like that.

I didn't like that. Maybe I'm not questioning things the way I thought I was. You don't know what you just saw. You need to let people experiment. Like, let it come out when it comes out, let it just like be natural. But if you're concerned about safety, then address that. Right. But like, oh, he's a liar.

He's lying to me. Like, dude, you're going to have like him run the other way. Right. And if you're always worried about like safety, that means you're like always on a place of like defense. Yes. Yes. Like it's like, you're always like afraid of the world.

And you're like, it's just like, not everything has to be such safety proof, you know, as like helicopter mom vibes. Helicopter mom vibes. And so the next comic goes and buy him a good LGBTQ friendly book about sex ed. So he's a reliable source to look things up after your general talk. Cause that would, that's actual safety. Like a hetero that doesn't know anything about gay sex. Shouldn't be telling anyone that's gay about gay sex.

No, there's different things. And then someone goes as a queer and the older sibling of LGBT teens. I highly recommend this book is gay. That's the title. It's literally this book is gay. Um, and they provide a link. So if anyone does need that resource, look it up. Her heart is in the right place.

And the fact that she got on Reddit to write this post means she's thoughtful about it. Yeah, she's really putting thought into it. Yeah. Cause she could have just jumped in and like been on the attack. So, right. And like just from my experience at least the relationship with my mom now is so much stronger and so much closer and better than it ever has been. Because again, it's like, I'm able to be my authentic self with her.

And she's like, she, she loves, she loves it. You know, it's like, wow, you're so much more than I even thought. I'm like, yeah, mom, don't let me breathe. So moving along to body issues. Body, this is, I like every time she says that, I think of body. Yeah. This one struck a fucking cord with me. This is a write-in from one of our listeners.

Okay. I, 23 female, have a fiance who is 22 male who doesn't like my body postpartum. So to start, when I met my now fiance, I was just getting over severe anorexia and I was super tiny. I stayed that way until I got pregnant with our son in fall of 2018. And right before he left for the army, I literally found out I was pregnant two days after he signed his papers and I was on birth control. Well, he got really hurt at basic and was sent home to heal under less stressed

conditions. And when he came back, I was 23 weeks pregnant because I was so little, I started showing right away and our son was a huge baby. He made comments about my weight gain, but once he saw I was uncomfortable with his comments, he apologized to me. And this was after he called me a rotisserie chicken. Oh, well, I had our son at 37 weeks and I had a stroke while in labor. So my recovery was super hard.

I could barely walk for days. Wow. Three weeks postpartum. He mentioned to me working out once I was cleared and I said, I won't be cleared for a while because of my stroke. I was clear to go back to work at 12 weeks postpartum. I told him I'm to be on light duty because they aren't sure how my body will handle hard labor.

I was a manager at Menards. I went back full-time in November of 2019 and had my son that previous July. Well, I lost a lot of my baby weight thanks to my job as I do a lot of heavy lifting and it helped that I worked 45 to 60 hours a week. On top of taking care of a baby in my off time, my fiance wants me to work out and he made a comment about my weight and called me chubby. And I said, that makes me upset. And he said, then lose the weight then.

We got in a full blown argument about it and it ended in him saying he was sorry, but that was only after I packed up our son and was packing stuff for the night to go to my mom's. He's gotten better about not saying anything about working out, but still makes comments. And I think this is because he saw his father do this to his mother and he grew up thinking this is okay. I mentioned therapy because I think it will help him deal with the abuse.

He saw his mom deal with and learned that it's not okay, but he's afraid the army won't let him rejoin if he shows he's seek therapy. My question is, how can I show him that therapy will help him unlearn abusive behaviors? Because he honestly said to me, I'm sorry, I need to work on this. Just know I'm trying. I love him. And that's our only really big issue.

And we are also getting married in July. Sorry, that's a lot. Isn't that in like two weeks? Yeah. I had some choice words in my reply. Okay. I basically said, you need to keep drawing clear boundaries because it's unacceptable for him to keep commenting on your weight, especially with a

history like an eating disorder. Like I think body shaming on either end, fat or skinny, unacceptable. You should not comment or police anyone's body. And I like recommended couples therapy. I'm like, I know you guys are getting married soon, but like him saying this is not okay and getting on the same page in couples therapy would be like the best thing. Um, I did do a little research just with the army.

I knew like there is a stigmatization about mental health in the arms services. However, the military services love couples counseling. They will cover services for marriage and couples counseling because they want their service men or women to be in relationships as it offers that social support. Okay. So couples therapy would be good. What are your thoughts guys?

Well, my immediate thought was one of her questions in there somewhere was like, how do I get him to see that therapy will be beneficial? And I think that answer, that question is difficult because it's, we all know this, like you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Yeah. And if someone doesn't want to go to therapy, if they don't see the value of therapy, you can lead a horse to the water, but you can't force them to drink it.

So you can drag him to therapy, but if he's not in it, he'll sit on the couch. He'll hear the therapist. He'll answer the questions in one ear, not the other. But what is really getting from it? And so I think that it's a hard to answer. You can educate to some extent, you can maybe show examples of peers who have done and benefited from couples therapy, but I think it's really tough to convince somebody, whether it's therapy, whether it's, you know, anything relating to

health, they don't want to do it. They're not going to do it. They don't want to do it. It's tough to convince somebody to really want it. You have to convince somebody to want to change or to butter themselves. And that's a really tough thing to do. It is, you know, at least on a deeper, meaningful level. So that was my reaction is like, that's tough.

Like you can try to work on it. If you love him and this is really your only issue. I think you just have to keep at it. Yeah. I think this relationship is definitely, um, you know, it, there's, it doesn't seem like this is a game-ender or deal-breaker. It depends on the person. It could be.

And I, when I'm in my response, she's going to work through it. So for her, this isn't, this isn't a deal-breaker. That's what I mean. Based on the way she's writing to you, it sounds like she was willing and able and wants to work through this. And that's the vibe I got. But if my significant other called me a rotisserie chicken. See, I would be very upset about that.

My, my, I've been told, I've been, I've got some like funny names about like body and stuff like that. Rotisserie chicken. Yeah. That one is a little, oh my God. Yeah. That one's tough. I would be very offended and I would make it very clear that that's not okay.

Unacceptable. I would draw a very hard boundary there. Unacceptable. Talk to me like that and we won't be talking. Exactly. Period. Period. Period.

Like, yeah. That, the disrespect. I think also I heard that it's a learned behavior that he picked up from observing his dad, treating his mom that way. So it's something as deep embedded that he needs to look at if he wants to make this relationship work slash your girl was just pregnant, bro. The average weight gain for women during pregnancy is like 35 to 40 pounds. Yeah.

It's just, you just grew. Yeah. Yeah. And you just delivered on life. Yeah. Like that you should be respecting her and like feeding her and praising her. She had a stroke. Did we, did we, I was just going to say a stroke as if pregnancy doesn't just take

a toll on your body. Oh my God. Add a stroke. A full blown fucking stroke. I just, I have some compassion. You don't know how bad her stroke is. Like my niche for OT and where I work, like I do a lot of neuro patients. That was my niche.

Uh, and a lot of my patients, depending on where your stroke is, lose movement on half of their body, half of their body. They can't move. And he's three weeks after being like, you need to start working out. Like that's the least of my worries. If I can walk correctly and move my face, if I can feed myself and swallow my food. General motor skills and not choke on my spit. I think that's what I'm most worried about.

Yeah. And like for what? Like let your girl just like be, you know, like what, and there's not, you have no say in like how her body is. No, it's just also like postpartum depression is already such a big fucking issue. Yeah. And then to trigger someone with their body, with body issues when they have a history, a history.

You are just mentally fucking that person up. I'm too strong, strong, strong woman. Kudos to you girl. Yeah. OP little badass. That's right. A lot of people down. Yeah.

Then it's like one last thing too. I think he, if she, or if he was open, I would have, if I was, if it was me, if I was her, I'd be like, okay, this is not okay. You, your mom treat or your dad treat your mom like this. This is not happening with our child. So if you want this to work, I almost want to have a conversation with your mom to see like how she felt and like when dad was treating her that way and like the things that she learned and like, and how she got through it, because it's a,

it's a passed down thing. So it's like, it can be very generational. It's a, yeah, yeah, because you just think like that's just how it is, but it's just not, you can't, you can't go about life like that. You can't specifically in this day. Like, no. Yeah. And also some, to add to your point, another benefit of that could be if he

heard it in his mom's words, it might resonate differently. Cause you know what I mean? The way we, our relationship with our significant others and the relationship with our parents is very unique. Yes. So it might hit different if he hears it from his mom and he's like, wow, I had no idea that that's how it makes you feel. And I can't believe I would do, make you feel like that.

Yeah. You know? I mean, I've heard this, but it's like, like men will track someone, like their mom and women will attract someone like their dad. Yeah. Like that's like what I could kind of, yeah. It's very interesting how that plays out. Right.

It's wild. On to the next one. Hit us. The thought of my sons growing up without me inspired me to quit smoking. I talked to my doctors and then I threw away all my cigarettes, ashtrays and lighters. I started exercising instead of smoking. Staying away from alcohol when I was first quitting was key.

I kept on trying. Learn something each time. Do whatever it takes. No matter how many times it takes, we did it. So can you for free and confidential help call 1-800-QUIT-NOW or visit waytoquit.org developed by CDC. My fiancee fat shames women on social media and I'm fat. My fiancee and I are both in our twenties and we live in Southern USA.

In general, he is very kind and caring person towards me. This is not to say we have never disagreed or fought. Occasionally we talk about getting healthier and I'm taking steps to do so now. I've lost a little weight and I'm trying. He's also told me on numerous occasions that he is attracted to me and only cares about my health. He says he doesn't care if I lose weight. He just wants me to be healthy and I'm okay with that.

I have felt very insecure about being with him because I felt like he was pressuring me to be someone different. I've told him numerous times that being thin is not a goal of mine. And if he wants a thin woman, he should date someone else. He always declines and says it's strictly about health and not weight and that he is extremely attracted to me physically. Fast forward to today. He sent me a funny tweet of his.

I didn't know he had a Twitter, so I took a little time and scrolled through it. I come across a tweet of his talking about women who are fat being unattractive. I came across several different tweets of him body shaming women that are smaller than me in weight. And I feel these women are more attractive than me. He continuously speaks on specific weight limit that he finds unacceptable. And I am well over that weight limit. I'm not sure what to do here.

I feel lost. Did he lie to me? Or is this just an internet persona for retweets? I'm not sure, but I feel really icky and I don't feel comfortable being with him. I wouldn't either. He's exposing himself. Yeah. What a double, like double persona.

Yeah. So my first, I think the biggest issue here is that your husband, whatever he is really into, whether it's bigger women, smaller women, I don't know. He's confused, but he's a bully. Yeah. Yeah. He's just a bully. Yeah.

Well, I don't care why he's tweeting those things, whether he means it or not. He's so bad. You shouldn't. What? It's like, he like took the time to think about it, to go to his phone on this Twitter that she doesn't know about, which is also says multiple tweets. I'm more weirded out. Like I'm putting myself in her position.

Yes. It hurts to feel confused on the attraction level from your husband. But all that aside, I would be like, I'm dating a, or married to a bully. Like what kind of person? Fiancé. Fiancé. Yeah. What?

I just, I'm just at a loss for words because it just seems like he's shaming women. It's like whether they're skinny, fat, he just, whatever they are, like, I don't know. It's wild. Someone told me that they had a weight limit. Like, oh, I have a weight limit for, oh God, what does he say? He has a specific weight limit that he finds acceptable. Someone told me that, especially a partner, I would say, well, goodbye then,

because there are no guarantees for how much I'm going to weigh. You're either with me for the long haul and maybe 40 pounds more or 20 pounds less. I don't fucking know. So are you in or off with the train? Yeah. I don't get the weight limit thing. So he tweeted about it and she, she found it. Yeah.

Or no, he continuously speaks on a specific weight limit, speaks to her about it. He tells her, he tells her about a weight limit that she exceeds. That he finds acceptable. So he's trying to subtly tell her like, you need to get out of this weight. Yeah. And she says, I'm well over that weight limit. It's just wild. Here is something that I found researching too, because of like, we had the other story

about the coworkers and I really just wanted to like educate myself on fat shaming and like, like, see, you know, the larger picture behind it. Because I've dealt with, like, I've been called fat a lot. I've been body policed by family. Like, are you sure you want to eat that? Like, oh yeah. Like I've had, I've had like a lot of this. And when looking into this, like people always think like, oh, fat shaming,

it's, it's going to cause people to eat less or recognize they have a problem or change their ways. Exact opposite. It causes people to gain more weight, become more unhealthier, become more depressed, and therefore typically eat more. Don't fat shame. There's no benefit to fat shaming. Yep.

And I'm sure there's, you know, an argument for skinny shaming. There's no benefit to that. So don't fucking body shame people. Yeah. Like period. Period. Yeah. Period.

I'm, I'm so against any body shaming and I'm just sitting here really mind fucked. So I feel really bad for her because I can't even imagine how mind fuck she feels. Yeah. Of fiance. Someone you're like me or not. You're about to spend your life. Yes.

Girl. I'm just gonna be running. I would be, I'd be running. How dare you speak to me that way. Yeah. And also like, I'm, I'm in her shoes too. Like, are you attracted to me or not? I don't get it because all signs point to no.

Well, it's almost like he's gaslighting her. Yes. Like it's almost like he's gaslighting her like, no, I only, I'm only attracted to you, but I like skinny girls. Like, and then it's like a finger pimping about it. Yeah. Like where it's like a thing for him. There's a disconnect where you almost wonder if it's like, is he with her?

Then it has like a fetish, right? Dude, I didn't want to say that, but I was like, I feel like there's something. Or he's trying to convince himself that he is into skinnier girls. I don't know because it reminds me of like, have you ever noticed? I've noticed this a couple of times, not always obviously, but guys will say they have a type. They'll say they like brunettes and they'll only date brunettes. But then guess what?

They cheat with a blonde blonde or, you know what I mean? So it's someone that's opposite. Yes. And I'm not saying this is all the time, obviously, but I've just seen this in a few different instances where it's like polar opposite. Yeah. And so it's interesting. It's almost, I can't tell if he's trying to convince the world that he, because

he's ashamed of his attraction or something. I don't get it. That could be it. Yeah. He could be trying to like, play this other person on the internet, like to fit into what societal expectations would be. Exactly. What beauty is, what, you know, the media, what the media portrays as acceptable

weight-wise and, you know, there's a lot to be said about that and the media really controlling what we find attractive. And so yeah, maybe he's trying to play into that and just like fit in. But yet he loves this person at the same time, but it's like, he doesn't want to be ostracized by friends, family, society. Right. It's too hard. What's her question?

Her question's like, what should I do? Or what, I don't know what to think. She's kind of like, oh, yeah, it's just in relationship advice. So she's just kind of writing this problem. And she's like, I don't know where to go from here. If you're lost, I feel really icky and I don't feel comfortable being with him, which I wouldn't either. No, like, I just think, like, I just think back to like the shaming guilt of

just like whatever that is, whatever is being placed on you, you carry that around. Okay. And then like just being in the world of working with energy and like breathwork and stuff, one of the big things is that the weight that we carry in our bodies is a representation of the energetic weight that we also carry. So like you said, it's like, if he is fat shaming her and like other girls online because he's living in this place of thinking that like, let's just go with that. This is how, because guys could get a get away with talking like that, you

know, or like around the guys or something like that. Yeah. And now it's trickling over because it's so embedded into like how he perceives woman slash I want to know what he weighs, by the way. I'm curious. Yeah. Like, I mean, not that like, it's just like, yeah, but it matters. But it's like, is it like the pot calling the kettle or whatever that

saying is like a bigger, like fuller picture of like, where is this coming from? Like, why is he so focused on the way about himself? There's so many questions I have because like, what is her sex life like? Yeah, like, is he into her? You know, because you can tell, you know, for the most part. So like, is he touch you with her? Is he loving? Yeah.

Is he, is he distant? Right. Is sex lacking? Yeah. If so, then maybe there's an attraction issue. But if he's all over, I mean, you can never know, you know, but, but there's just so many questions I have in terms of what that relationship looks like. Are they happy other than this?

Are they happy? Like, what's the sexual side of things? Yeah, poor girls, like, say, like, it's like, you don't want to be having sex and you feel icky, right? And you're, you're just thinking of what he, you think he wants. And you know, you're not that. And that's what's going to be in her head. Yes.

Put yourself first, because in your head going forward, every time you have sex or there's that intimacy, does he, do I look fat in this position? Does he think I look gross? Does he wish I was thinner? Does he wish I was thinner? Like you, he just like riddled away at everything you kind of are, your confidence. And I think they're like, you need to trust people that you're intimate with, at least for me, like that's my experience.

Like I have to be, I have to be very trusting of that person. Cause like, I'm not comfortable in my body. Like I have body image issues. And so for it to be naked and to be vulnerable with someone, it takes a lot of trust. Totally. And he's broken that by what he's putting out on the internet and what he's saying to her. The more we talk, I don't know how she can marry. I'm saying, I don't know how she can go through with it.

I hope she reads this and something clicks. Like, yeah, you got to figure it out. I'm not saying you can't marry him, but we got to get to the bottom of these things first and figure out. Yeah, that's deep stuff. He needs therapy. This one was posted a month ago. I will try to reach out and see what the update is.

Yeah, I would love to know that. I know you can't. You're going to be so unhappy. Yeah. Yeah, that is just like, if you don't address it now, it's just going to get more and more like, it's going to fester. Yeah. And then like you see it over and over.

It's like, what if she goes to the extreme of like losing all that way? Yes. And then it's super, it's still not healthy. Now you're, now she's overcompensating. She's like in that place of like trying to be so skinny all the time. She's going to try to adjust to his expectations. Well, and here's the thing, like he's saying all of this and like the argument of like, I just want you to be healthy.

However, we know like models are stick thin. But models aren't necessarily healthy. Models can have high cholesterol models can, you know, whatever. Like I just saw a video of a Tik Tok model who was like, we are genetic. Like, I don't want to say mutations, but she's like, we're genetic abnormalities. Like we are genetically this thin, but to take a regular girl and to try to make yourself this thin, you're killing yourself. And so she also points out the fact she's like, models aren't healthy.

We can have high cholesterol and all this, yeah. Like all of these issues. And on the flip side, like you can have someone who might be like societally perceived as overweight, but can still have cardiovascular endurance. Great cholesterol. You don't know what's going on physiologically inside of each person. So in the name of health, like who's to say where she's at isn't healthy. Right.

Right. That's true. Like, and we each have such different, like, but like our bodies are all literally structured so differently. Totally. Yeah. Our chemical makeup is like our DNA is unique to us. Yeah.

And our bodies work in that same unique way. Right. And it's like, and some people, it's like they, they are healthy at a bigger way. Exactly. Yeah. And it's like, that's, that's just, yeah, that's healthy. It's different. There's so many things that are factored in.

That's a good point though. Who's to say, like what? We don't know. Yeah. Are you doing blood work? Yeah. Shut the fuck up if you're not. Yeah.

Seriously. Yeah. So it's like people can not just go keep going unwarranted around just being like, well, it's about your health. It's like, how do you know I'm not healthy? Yeah. Like I, I hate like, I feel bad using Lizzo as an example because I, I know she doesn't want to be the poster child for like body positivity.

So I don't like mean to use this as an example, but I think it is like, look at the way she can get up on stage. Do a fucking full show performance, dance, sing at the same time. I can't even walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath. And this woman is belting at the top of her lungs and fucking dancing for hours. You can't tell me she's not fucking healthy. Seriously. And then carrying, like carrying like that beautiful weight.

Yeah. Yeah. She carries it so well. Right. It's just, I just don't caught my own people's bodies. Like we've been saying this whole episode, like, if it doesn't affect you, you don't need to speak on it. Like people live their lives.

You be happy in yours. Yeah. Let's go. Which fucking next post. Social media is something we all deal with. Social media can be very toxic. The media in general, like we're talking about is shapes. What we view as beautiful.

It controls a lot of society and how our minds interpret information. So up next. Am I the asshole for face-tuning Instagram posts of me and my wife? I'm like gripping the mic so hard. You're heated already. I know. Oh my God. Struck record.

I mean, how are you face-tuning? Yeah, do we have more? Let's find out. Okay, we've context. I've always face-tuned my photos, even before I met her. I feel like every one our ages, 26 and 23, who actively use Instagram regularly are guilty too. I'm just open about it.

My wife is now refusing to speak to me after I posted a pic of us and I edited the pic to make her look thinner. I have told her that I do not expect her to look like the pics in real life. And everyone knows Instagram is not a realistic depiction of anyone. She still lets this make her feel insecure and claims I'm, well, an asshole. I find photo editing creative and just want us both to look our very best. I do edit my own appearance, not just hers. So Reddit, am I really the asshole for something as trivial as this?

I think it's childish reason to not speak to your partner over this. And I find it hard to believe she isn't being performatively upset. Like she's basically faking her reaction. I mean, not faking this reaction. And you're an asshole. I was just dropped an F bomb because are you kidding me? As if society and social media are not hard enough. They're not toxic enough.

You now have your own partner. The person who's supposed to love and accept you. They're married. They are shape shifting you to what they would consider your best, their best. And then they're saying, but I don't expect you to look like this. So then that's so hurtful because you want me to look like that. And I'm never going to look like that. Yeah.

And you're setting an unrealistic standard. And guess what? This woman, like OP, OP doesn't specify whether they're male or female or man or woman, right? Uh, genders are not specified in this. Except for the wife. Well, I guess. Yeah.

I mean, you, someone could just go by husband, wife. Who knows? The wife. Okay. Yeah. Woman, man, whatever. I'll talk about it as if it's myself as a woman, if my partner, my boyfriend, husband, who it may be is editing me to look a certain way.

That is extremely hurtful. That's so disheartening. I could think I'm beautiful. And after that, I'm questioning. Cause I know I'm like, oh, but I should, I should look like that. You know, it's so harmful. I wasn't good enough for you. And social media, like I'm not, I don't expect you to look like that in real life,

but, but you're also, you're expecting other people to perceive me that way. Yes. And you're so embarrassed about the way I actually do look that you need to change it for others on social media. Right. So what is this for? What is it for? What is it for?

You did this for what? Yeah. What was the reason? Yeah. What was the reason? What was the reason? You like exposed yourself. Yes.

Literally exposed how you feel about me. Yes. Yeah. So yeah, asshole. Thank you. You guys, I have another one. Same kind of vibe. Am I the asshole for photoshopping pictures of my girlfriend to make her skinnier?

I'll cut it. I'll try to keep it short and simple. My girlfriend is a little chubby, but she's gorgeous. I love her body, even though she's really self conscious about it. No matter how much I try to reassure her, she doesn't care for my opinion. As she's told me, her opinion of herself is what matters. Anyways, whenever we go on vacation, she gets depressed when I send her our photos. But I noticed that she's happy when she looks thin from certain angles or clothing

and thinks more fondly of the memory. So slowly, I started photoshopping all of her photos to make her look thinner. As a result, she's not as distracted during our vacation or worries about how she'll look when we take photos. Am I the asshole for doing this and not telling her? Asshole. Who are you? You would have no right to do that.

You are distorting her view of reality. I feel like this could potentially cause body dysmorphia. This is 100% body dysmorphia. Which then could in turn cause other eating disorders and other mental health issues. Also, I want to know, on vacation, is he just like, hold on babe. But she's like, air drop me the photos and he's like, hold on. He just runs to the bathroom. First of all, I've seen Facetune.

That's just a lot of work. So you're sitting there. You're editing like all 200 photos and then you're sending them off. I know. Well, if you're like me, you take rapid fire, like 200 photos. 200 easily. Which by the way, I need those photos still. I'll air drop them.

Yeah. Side note. On that note. Side note. Don't Facetune them. Just kidding. Just kidding. Um, but you know what I mean?

So I'm like, that's a lot of effort, eight for effort, but you're messing her up more than you know. It is like, you are distorting her perception of herself. You're going to cause potentially body image issues that she clearly already struggles with self-acceptance and you're, you're making the, you're making it harder because what happens when she sees a photo of herself and she's like, dang, I look good and she's confident in the mirror and looks in the mirror. And now she's like, why does it not match?

And is it me? Like, you know what I mean? So I think another part too, that he said was he noticed when she becomes half or when she's happy, like once she sees the pictures that she looks thinner in. It's like, bro, you literally came up with this in your head. Like whether it's an observation or what, like who deterred, how are you? You're not anyone to determine her happiness by how you're not in her head. You're not in her being.

Yeah, true. Like you, you're just assuming that she's happy because of how she's responding to a photo of her enjoying how she looks. Good point. I just think it's so interesting too. Cause I, I don't know how she hasn't seen one before and after. Right. And then kind of having this inkling of like, oh, he doesn't like the way I look

and he's editing me, which I do like this picture better, but like still my partner isn't accepting of me. Yeah. It's very interesting. Both of these people, it's very, very interesting. I actually, okay. So in college, a girl posted a picture of me and I was like, I look really skinny. Oh, I had a friend that was notorious for face tuning.

She would face tune herself, but she faced tuned me in a photo. And like, yeah, I didn't ask for it, but can tell your waist was a little pulled in. The wall was a little wavy behind you. It wasn't an editing error quite. It was more so, I think I had to go back and look. I think she finally sent me the raw ones. And I was like, I knew I wasn't that skinny. I knew it.

I knew it. And it's like, that's fine. I mean, I wasn't, I wasn't struggling with the image issue at the time. So it was fine. I was more, but you know what? It did since I didn't really think anything was wrong with myself. I'm like, why did she feel the need to do that? It created an insecurity.

Yeah. Did she think I wanted to look that way? Did she did it? Does it make her look better? She's a great person with an amazing heart. And I know she has her own insecurities and I know that's why she felt the need to face tune herself to each their own. I'm not going to tell you what to do.

It was very obvious that she was editing her photos, but that's her. Yeah. But she was editing me in photos and I was like, I didn't ask for that. And now I'm kind of questioning why you did that because it's not like this, where I'm like, wow, I look, I look, I don't like the way I look. And she was like, hold on, I'll fix that. You know, it was like these photos were popping up on Instagram. And I was like, I just don't remember looking that thin.

Yeah. You know, yeah. So what I say this to say is this isn't helpful. No. And it causes more insecurities, insecurities, insecurities get deeper. Yeah. And that's like, and that's the thing that social media has created. It's just like, it's a fake world, you know, I mean, it's all what you make it,

you know, but for the most part, it's like, it's an altered reality. The days before MySpace and Facebook and all that, you know, like that was like all of the Instagram comps and I was like, everybody had this level that they had to like meet, you know, just for Instagram or like Instagram or these, so it's like, this is now embedded into how we like, it was funny. I was in Venice yesterday and I was like, this older gentleman, um, want to take a picture of me and my friend. And we both like, he like takes it.

He's like, I get a picture for like, sure. We both go like, posing, pose. Like, and he's like, why do you guys pose? We didn't even notice. We didn't. We had no, it's just been great to us, like a lot of us. Yeah, it is your angles. Yeah.

So instead of like, uh, there's a happy smile, it's just like a happy smile. We went, like, you hit him with like, and like the no smile, like the, the smiles. Yeah. It's like, when he did that, I was like, wait, why, who am I just kidding? We're models, but we forget that taking a photo of people is just like, cheese, like smile, like, you know, capture the moment, not pose the moment. Yeah.

I love that. Yeah. So I have one other story. Okay. That's actually from the, like, I don't want to say the victim, but like, from the person that's getting photoshopped, her point of view. Husband, 33 male photoshopped my 31 female pictures beyond recognition. Sorry, that's so high pitched for you guys.

In your AirPods. I'm so sorry. Sounded like a pterodactyl. I didn't even cut that. I don't even know how I made that noise, honestly. I was like, I was a trauma trigger. Yeah. I was a trauma trigger.

I didn't even know it. Traumatizing ways I didn't even know. Yeah. Hey, what's wrong? I just got passed over for that big promotion. They told me I needed a graduate degree. Then you should do what I did and check out the University of Northern Colorado. Who?

The University of Northern Colorado, their graduate school and extended campus offer over 100 flexible, career focused graduate programs online and in person. Really? The University of Northern Colorado? Really? The graduate school and extended campus at the University of Northern Colorado. So my husband and I have been married for five years. Before that, we dated less than a year, but we have known each other since we were

like 11 until now. Things have been really good. We have two kids and three dogs. He landed his dream job last year. My boss relocated after six months of people complaining. Kids are healthy. Dogs are healthy. Husband seemed really happy.

Right now he is camping two towns over with his two brothers and some family members. All the guys in the family do this every year. It was supposed to happen during the summer, but our kid was sick. So they agreed to move the date. He gets to spend a week with his family and I get a week for myself. Everybody wins. Yesterday, my friend came over. Now I know that my husband has an Instagram account.

I know he uses it daily. I know it's set to public. I don't have any problems with that. I had one too for a month and then got bored with it. Friends ask if I had seen his profile lately. I say no. So she pulls it up. There are a bunch of car pictures and some artsy sky shots.

She shows me pictures of me. I remember when they were taken, I know who took them. And I know that in reality, I look nothing like the woman in them. Husband face tombs them or photo shops. It doesn't really matter. My skin is smooth. My waist is impossibly small. My chest and ass are totally different.

In some of them, even my lips are much bigger. I look nothing like myself. There's no denying that I don't look like I did when we met. I had twins. My body changed. Even after losing the pregnancy weight, it looks different than I was at 25. I was okay with that. I thought my husband was too.

Our sex life was always great, even when I was pregnant. Right now I am confused beyond words. He never mentioned he wanted me to change something, not even once. But obviously he does. I'm so hurt by this, but I have no idea how to start a conversation about this. Half of his followers are friends and people from work. They have seen me and they know I don't look like that in real life. Also, this is probably the first time since I was an awkward teenager that I feel ugly.

I really feel ugly. Do I say something about this? How? Is this a message for me? What now? Wow. Wow. Like, what I was getting from that was that it was like he wanted a trophy wife.

Yes. It's like, again, these men just exposing themselves of what internally they're looking for. Also, because of the image that movies and TV shows and Hollywood is portrayed of what a trophy wife looks like and all of this, specifically, if he's catering to his friends and people he works with and stuff, that's like, I mean, my dad would always talk about it. It was like he worked with hedge fund guys and they would bring in at these Christmas parties, these different women, you know, that were like, younger, hotter, like, and

so it was like they were just, so it was like this. And I remember even like listening to them and they would talk about each other's wives that were coming in and like, you know, they're getting drunker and drunker as the night goes on and they're just like, I might just take, yeah. Oh, boys. You know where I'm going with that. Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

Boys club stuff. So it's like, yeah, and that's what's embedded in these guys like psyche. So they, it's like, I want my wife to look like that. They feel the need to outperform the other men in the department of what your partner looks like. It's almost like, have you heard the saying like, outkick your coverage where like men are kind of expected to date women that are like hotter than them. It's like, oh, he outkicked his coverage.

Yeah. And so it's like, it's always trying to one up the next guy, but like also have the hottest, like, like the hottest person you can get. It's so, it's, it's so weird, but like Google outkicked your coverage. No, no, I know. It'll break it down a little better than I probably am, but scoring out of your league. Yes. Yes.

No, I started laughing because I just thought of this tick talk that I just saw where it was like, you know, Olivia Rodrigo dropped that album and there's a song on there called like, favorite crime. And it's like, oh, the things I did for you. And she's playing that song. The girl who made this tick talk and she's, she's like, I used to face tune his arms to make them bigger. Oh, she's like, I did that all for you.

She's like, they're a first. Yes. We're just still like bad. Like, right. And she, I mean, they broke up. So she's laughing because she's like, all the things that things I did for you, like, I really, I really did that. I really phased him to your biceps, man, like to make you more confident.

Like that's how much I loved you to make you look better. So, you know what I mean? It wasn't for me. I know what they are. Right. Yeah. But, um, no, back to this, I mean, that's so hurtful because if she doesn't have Instagram and she doesn't see anything wrong with herself, he's doing

this for other people, he wants them to proceed for what, for what? For his image, for his ego, kind of like what you said, boys club, gotta have the hottest wife, gotta have the hottest arm, candy, whatever it may be. And yeah, it's like dick measuring contest over there, right? So that's really hurtful. And I would be heartbroken. Cause she just developed all these new insecurities that she didn't have. She was confident.

She was comfortable. She was happy. And what hurts is like, it wasn't even like one thing. It wasn't like, oh, I'm just going to make her waist a little smaller. It was waste lips. Unrecognizable boobs. Everything. Someone didn't even say smooth their face.

Like, are you kidding? Her skin, down to her skin. Are you kidding me? If my boy, my. Do you want to wait for it? Build a bitch. Like, build a bitch. Like, it literally just sounds like a blow up doll.

Yes. Yeah. I like also like, I catch like, just like porn vibes. Yeah, porn star, like the, the over heightened, over sexualized vibes. Like impossibly small waste. Yeah. Curves beyond belief that don't even make sense proportionately. Like bodies that truly are only surgically made.

They're not real. They're not real. This comment I really like. Okay. Bottom line. Only you should be in control of your image, especially if being published publicly. Your husband has violated your trust and your personhood. Gather your thoughts, write them down if you must, tell him why this is not okay and

how it made you feel and tell him to cease immediately. If it were me, I would also request that he remove all existing images. Absolutely. And with it. She, um, she should absolutely confront him. Yeah. That's like a, like full stop. Yes.

You have to confront him. I agree. It makes me sad that like these women like are questioning if they should confront or not, like that makes me so sad because it's just like, that's not okay. Like, uh, one thing I talk about too a lot with just like on my TikTok and stuff is that like we all have masculine and feminine energy and these men that don't do the healing or like seek to understand their own feminine energy will never be able to actually understand their woman or understand woman because it's like an internal understanding

and respect that you gain for your own feminine energy, like your sense. And when I say feminine energy, I mean like your sensitive side. You know, like the side that your men show to you, like when you guys are just alone and it's like, you know, the side that toxic masculinity suppresses, suppresses exactly. And so that's why men need women because they need to be able to experience that. So it's like in heterosexual relationships, men get to experience their feminine energy by being with a woman that they trust. But like all these stories are, it's like the men are just exposing how out of touch

with their feminine energy that they are, that they are out here like trying to build a bitch, their woman to fit the narrative of what they think it is to be a man, but it's a toxic masculine version of a man. It's, you said it so perfectly. Yeah, you did. So perfectly. Like truly they're so uncomfortable with who they are that they feel the need to compensate by changing those around them.

Yeah, it's almost like, yeah, yes. Because the fact that it sounds like the husband is attracted to his wife in real life based on what she said. Yeah. So if he likes life is great, like, right. So if he is, I don't think he even is attracted to the woman he's editing her to be. Because she's unrecognizable. It's for others.

Yeah. It's for others. Like look, my wife has a fat ass and big lips and he's just like, I love your like proportionate ass. I love your like natural lips. Like I'm blown away by these ones you guys. Me too. I'm blown away.

I am, but I'm also not shocked. I'm not super shocked because I get the social, like the societal expectations and the social media pressures. Like I get it, but I'm also like, wow, like the lengths people go and then like the pain you're causing others. And it's just like, for what? Like for what? For what?

For what? You hit that note. I'm like, what these women are putting up with. Yes, exactly. Confront him with the hell. If I caught Brett doing that even once. Let me catch him face to new photo of me one time. Bro.

Confrontation immediately. Yeah. Now. Now. Yesterday. Like I'm not, I can't sleep until I talk about this because we have an issue. We have a huge issue that needs to be addressed before we even proceed. I have a like, I have my own body image issues and I like some pictures like I'm like, wow,

I hate that one. Like, can you please not post that? Like we've all been there in those situations. Oh my God, I'm there all the time. And it's just like, it is a really toxic relationship, like not being comfortable in your body. And I get that. And like, I was like trying to find like creators I wanted to promote and like bring

up in this, you know, episode to promote like this body positivity movement or just trying to like come to terms with who you are and self love. And one that I found and I'll share on the Instagram is like this woman who said, you are never going to be 100% comfortable or accept your body. Like you're always going to find something that you feel insecure about, but you don't need to be constantly attacking yourself and at war with yourself. So instead of like self love, she's promoting this like inner peace, like don't drag yourself down.

Like you don't have to be perfectly happy being 100% in love and happy with your body is unrealistic. It's unrealistic. It's not going to happen, especially with society's expectations and pressures. Impossible. And they're constantly changing. Constantly changing. If you look at the standard of beauty, if you chase the standard of beauty, you will

be chasing your whole life because they are constantly changing. Yeah. And they're most of the time unattainable. Unattainable. And like look at the early 2000s, like someone wrote in and they're like, please bring up the early 2000s and like the way that it was so toxic and calling like celebrities that were literally anorexic and skinny. They would still get called fat in the media, low rise jeans, still flat stomachs, like

and they were getting called fat. Yeah. They'd be like weight gain. Are they pregnant? Look at the cellulite. Oh my God. Cellulite on the beach. Oh my God.

Yeah. The baby bump watches from someone that was like maybe a little bloated that day. Yeah. How did they get away with this stuff? Honestly, I wonder. I'm proud at where we are now, but we still got a long way to go. Yeah, we do. We're dealing with the repercussions of the 2000s.

Yes, we are. Yeah. And that's not even that long ago and like I struggle with body image issues all the time, like all the time and I don't know sometimes what I tell myself and I know not everyone can speak this way, but it's sometimes I have to find like gratitude and I have to kind of humble myself because I think like, oh my gosh, my legs. Like they're just, they're getting a little like jiggly here. I got a little bit of cellulite.

But then I think about like, these are the same legs that take me on five mile run. Yes. Yes. Yeah. These are the same legs that work. Yes. You know? And so like we just came out of a pandemic.

Yes. I'm healthy. Your immune system kept you alive and strong. Literally. So you can hate on your body all day long because it's not as firm or tight as you want it to be, but. Appreciate what it does give you. Your heart is pumping blood so vigorously to keep you alive, to keep you healthy.

Your brain, your mouth, you have all these things about your body that carry you so far. It's like, I feel bad. I like want to cry when I think about how mean I am to my body and I'm like, my body's working so hard. My poor little body is like, you're hating on your arms and your arms are here. Like, I help you like lift things. I feed you bitch. I feed you.

I help you. Right. I help you type and you're over here like hating on this, this and this. And it's just like your body's like, but I do all these beautiful things for you. Practice gratitude. Like gratitude and mindfulness change our brains and our brain is a muscle. Like it's the same with depression and like body image, self-doubt. Our brain is a muscle.

The more you think a certain way, the more that thought is compounded in your brain. It strengthens that neural pathway. Shake it up. Literally. Shake it up. Practice gratitude and stuff like this. I also like to see it too is like, we are all, so it's not our faults because it's like we have been, this has been passed on to us, like this has been forced upon us.

So it's like, we're just dealing with like what we have only known. And it's like, so that's why when you start to practice like positive affirmations and like, like how I used to start, like I used to hate myself, like so, like so many just as deep. But like, I would like start to look in the mirror and I just be like, I love your eyes and like, I love the way your hair looks today. Pick one thing. And just pick one thing and you just keep on continuing that.

And like, I model, so it's like I'm in this world where they're always like finding something wrong. Oh, you're in the sake of it. You're in the fucking sake of it. In the sake of it. A beauty standard. You don't get to say that and then we don't like bust out. Are you kidding?

Opportunity. Yeah. Slaps. Tell me it doesn't. Back yard against back every up guys. I love but so like one thing for me was coming out to LA and like getting into the modeling industry here. I was like, I'm going to face a lot of my insecurities because everyone's gorgeous here.

And what happened was I literally spoke that into existence and my face start breaking out. Like ever since I moved to LA, I started getting really bad acne. Oh, that's the water. Boo. That is the water. Is that the water? I never had rosacea until I moved to LA.

The water here. I never had acne. I never had rosacea or stromatitis until I moved to Los Angeles. Okay. Do you have a water softener? I should probably get one. I'll try a water softener. I'll show you my shower filter.

It's got 15 different elements in it that strains the water. Okay. It's so chemically traded. Oh gosh. Yeah. I mean, I can't say with certainty, but I am try it first. 100% uncertainty. My shower had Amazon.

You get two filters. It's like 35, 40 bucks. Like it's worth every penny. I never had any skin until I moved to this city. Okay. Well, there you go. You maybe spoke, but you maybe triggered it. I don't know.

I'm not trying to take away from it. But it was still like the same like situation where it was like I had to face now. Okay. I'm going to castings and like I have like legit pimples on my face. Yeah. You know, and the crazy, the crazy part of it about it is, is that like this was limiting me from like pursuing my modeling career because I was like, okay, well, I was going into it like meeting with like my agent and stuff is like, okay, well, do you let them

know that I have acne and stuff like that? Like you were leading with that. I was leading with it, which is so it's like it was something within me that I had to face and own. And like my agent was like, listen, honey, they love your energy. It's your energy. Like it's like the modeling industry is changing. Like, yes, it's whatever, but that can be covered up and stuff like that.

So I was like, okay, okay, okay, okay. Energy is what comes across the lens. Energy is what comes across the lens. And so I started going out with that and it was like, they didn't even, it's like that if I made the acne thing, then that's what it became. But if I didn't, nobody's like, I didn't even notice until you said something. Yeah. And literally I just saw something on this where this girl was speaking to the same

thing. She was like, I hate my arms, but no one notices my arms until I point it out. You keep pointing something out. People are going to be like, oh, wait, yeah, okay, yeah. That's what they notice because you're constantly bringing it up and drawing attention to it. No one's going to notice your little bloat. Right. A little bloat.

Like don't bring it up. Exactly. And so it's like, that's why it's like, it's like if your internal process, which were all so guilty. I know. Our inner monologue. Yeah. Our inner monologue.

So that's why if we just like focus on just like those positive affirmations, you know, always like, like boosting each other up, like that's those little things that help. And then I mean, it got you know, for me, like I booked a job with acne on my face and they kept the picture with like that. And I was like, dude, I have so much and it was for body shop. Oh, yeah. It was like for body shop, but they had me like in the front of the store. Like on all the stores, Nick nationwide, and I had like the texture of like my skin

like raised. And so they didn't even edit out like the pimples, but it was like the smile and I like literally wrote them. I was like, thank you for keeping that photo unedited and showing me for me because not only was that like healing for me, but for so many people that struggle with skin issues. So many people. Wow. I love that.

I want to see that photo now. You want to see it? I'll show you after. Okay. We'll post it. I love that. I love that. Yeah.

That's body positive. That is. I love brands taking initiatives like that. Right. Yup. One last one. Okay. And then we are done.

It's a listener right in. Am I the asshole for always talking about how fat I am to my bigger friends, 22 female. I've always been very skinny, but when I started dating my boyfriend, I gained 40 pounds within a few months and had the most aggressive stretch marks everywhere. This was in 2019. Since then, I've finally lost all the extra weight and have gotten back to my old weight. But when I look in the mirror, I only see me with the extra weight. I don't see myself as skinny.

I have several overweight friends and I find that I'm always thinking out loud about how I am so gross and how things don't fit me well. When I smoke weed, I remember that I'm an extra small complaining to people that are XXL and I feel so bad. None of my friends have never compared themselves to me and always try to build my confidence. Not sure if I should address all the stupid comments I've made about my body or let it be. Maybe I'm overthinking this.

It sounds like body dysmorphia. Yeah. I get like the waking though and then still having like the residual stretch marks. Yeah. I have tiger stripes everywhere. I call them my tiger stripes. I do too. I have them everywhere.

I love them. I used to hate them and now I'm in that. I kind of like mine. They're my like... They're cute. They're me. They show my growth and like growth literally, but who I am, where I've been, I don't know. I think there's a lot to be said.

You see celebrities these days like Rihanna going to the beach or whatever with her tiger stripes and I'm like, I like my tiger stripes. Tiger stripes. Tiger stripes. Yeah. So I get where she's coming from, where she's got like this residual stuff, but I kind of think the asshole to like constantly point it out in front of people that like are like bigger than you.

Like you're clearly not fat if you're an extra small. I guess let me ask this though. We don't know the answer. I don't think based on the information, but are her friends that she says are bigger than her? Are they happy with their weight? Yeah. You don't know.

Because what if they are? So if they are, that's great. And I'm not defending her or saying she's not the asshole, but I guess the way I'm looking at it is it is weight. As we've talked about in this episode and others, it's relative and it's subjective to yourself. Yeah. Who's to say you're healthy or not.

So if she is thinner than her friends, but she is, according to her own standards, unhappy, then that's how she feels. And if her friends who are bigger than her, according to her are happy and confident in their bodies, she's not tearing them down. No, but I also think like, I think on the flip side. If they are uncomfortable and insecure, right? I guess we don't know. We don't know.

That's what I'm getting at. And so on that opposite side, if they are and she in her body is constantly, I'm so fat. I'm so gross. Right. Right. That's true. Then what do they think?

Because if I were those friends, I would think, well, God, if she thinks that way about her body, then what does she think about me? That's a good point. I guess I didn't, even if they were happy and comfortable and if she's like, I'm so gross, then they're like, well, what am I to you? What am I? Yeah, I take that back then. No, no, no.

But I think we don't know because even if they are truly comfortable in their skin, they're just going to brush off and be like, you're just being silly. You're too hard on yourself. So maybe they're not, but we don't know. So there's two sides of that coin. Right. Also, I just was thinking of a friend that used to do this where she would ask, do I look fat in this?

Do I look fat in this? And it's just like... I don't know how to answer this. What are you looking for? Because if I say no, you clearly think you're fat. But if I say yes, then you're going to spiral and be hurt. So I don't know how to answer this. And then it would be continuous.

And almost to the point where it's like, she needed the validation to go anywhere to make sure it's like, five times before we left the freaking pregame, I don't look fat. I don't look fat. I don't look fat. This is exhausting for me now because I don't even... You're walking on eggshells because you don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. It's exhausting to be that person too.

Right. So it's almost like your own... I would say maybe just work on your own internal dialogue because you even said at the end you overthink. So it doesn't matter if it's a stretch mark or the weight, honey, it's going to be something else later on. Yes. There's always something.

Always. Because you give me the most beautiful person. I work with the most beautiful people. And they're the most insecure because they're constantly judging themselves, constantly in this perpetual cycle of what they're not because of what they're trying to sell. And it's just, it's sad. It is. Would you address it with the friends?

Would you make any comments? I would say something along the lines of, hey, I know I've been making, I've been really mean to myself and I've been really hard on making a lot of negative comments about my body and I just wanted to apologize in case I made anyone feel uncomfortable just because I know that it can be exhausting to have a friend do this. I don't want you guys to feel that burden or to also internalize any of the comments that I'm making about myself because this is me because I'm being hard on myself and I don't want it to be taken as that this is how I view other bodies.

I would just make... I would address it. I would just address it that way and just acknowledge that. Such a positive way to do it. I know I'm hard on myself. I know I made really mean comments and I'm sorry if that's come across as offensive because I realized that in my comments I might be offending other bodies and that's not my attention.

No. That's what I would say. That's so good. Yes. Couldn't be said better. That's what I would say. And on that note, this is body issues and inclusivity and LGBTQ plus. Yep.

Wow. That's it. Love us. If you are out there listening and you're struggling with any of the issues we've talked about, I will be posting some links to resources in the description on both the podcast and YouTube. There are great support networks out there, you guys. And if you're dealing with anti-LGBTQ plus family, friends, any pushback, I think there's

great resources out there and Reddit is also a great community to turn to. So realize in whatever struggle you are dealing with, you are not alone and there's people with you. I would make myself cry if I. But from Two Hot Takes, we love you all and thank you for tuning in. Thank you. Until next time. Bye.

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