Two Hot Takes - 272: Squirm Happens Ft. Sarah Sherman

Episode Date: June 11, 2026

Two Hot Takes host, Morgan, is joined by guest co-host Sarah Sherman! Sarah knows a thing or two about squirm inducing experiences, so she's the perfect co-host to tackle these unique stories. Like a boyfriend who wants to close the open relationship after unsatisfactory results, someone who can't figure out why her boyfriend wants to feed her, someone who accidentally purchased ashes and then sold the urn, a guy who asked his friend's mom out.. and more! Can't wait to hear your thoughts on these ones. Checkout Sarah's Special & Content: https://www.hbomax.com/movies/sarah-squirm-live-in-the-flesh/5d79e162-5a0a-4177-9021-79bac1836b07 https://www.instagram.com/sarahsquirm/?hl=en Partners: Credit Karma: Download Credit Karma today and get the credit you deserve. State Farm: This episode is sponsored by State Farm. A State Farm agent can help you choose the coverage you need. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Patreon BONUS Content including FREE stories: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/TwoHotTakes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ NEW MERCH:  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://shop.twohottakes.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ WRITE IN TO US!! Our SubReddit! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Full length Video episodes available on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/TwoHotTakes⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Index: 00:00 -- Start 05:17 -- Story 1 AITA for not removing my doormat because it scares my neighbor’s kid? 13:56 -- Story 2 AITA for ending things and ghosting after finding out she lied about her husband being dead? 23:58 -- Story 3 Fiancé (27m) wanted to try an open relationships, not my first choice but I agreed. Now he's throwing a tantrum that my "bodycount" is 20x his and wants to add rules... 31:14 -- Story 4 I bought a box at goodwill for $5 and i need some advice on a situation that has developed 37:29 -- Story 5 My boyfriend loves to feed me my meals everyday 53:02 -- Story 6 I (25f) have a secret kink that I haven’t told my partner (27m) about 1:01:18 -- Story 7 TIFU by asking my friend's mum out Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Here we go. Here we go. We're rolling. This is the first time you've gotten into Reddit? I have been on Reddit for things. I have been on Reddit for things. It's like, it's like nowhere else will tell you like, is this water actually better than the other waters? You know what I mean?

Yeah. When everybody, you're like, well, why am I paying an extra dollar for this water? Or I'm like, is this vitamin not, is this a made up vitamin? I feel like they all are. Yeah. Well, and then I learned I'm like a multivitamin doesn't work because you're supposed to take them. Because you're peeing it out or something? Well, there's something weird where it's like you have to take iron first, but if you take

calcium before iron, then your body won't have to absorb the iron. Is that even true? I'm not a scientist. Right. Oh, shoot. Don't have that in the cards. I'll go on Reddit for like, I like all the like, oh, you know, do sugar-free gummy bears make you like shit your pants kind of thing.

They do. They do. They absolutely do. And sugar-free lifesavers, apparently. Yeah, I haven't gotten down that rabbit hole. Well, I've been down that rabbit hole. There you go. So I guess it's more like product reviews, like class action lawsuit.

Like, what are we like banding together against? Well, you have some fans on Reddit. I do. You do. You have. I would assume, well, no, I don't want to. No, I don't want to infuriate a Reddit army. But I have a vision in my head of what, who's on Reddit?

Okay. In my mind, they don't like me. Well, they do. They actually, you've turned a lot of people back on to watching SNL. No. Yeah. Look at this. Look at this cute little picture they shared of you on the sub.

And they just talk about some of your amazing skits, male and testing service, meatballs, Chuckie, eyes. Okay. Eyes came up a lot. Thank you. Glamgina. Yes. They love your drunk raccoon. No?

All of your rose. Okay. You're just a versatile little queen, they say. Well, I, the one thing I've seen about myself on Reddit against my will was my coworker James Austin Johnson, shared on Twitter a Reddit thread. I opened for my friend, Wondo Trix Point Never, who's electronic musician who does all the, like, he did the Marty Supreme soundtrack and whatever. Okay.

And he's like my favorite musician ever, and I'm like his biggest fan. And he asked me to open for him. I'm like, so in my head, I'm like, he's my boy, he's a freak, all of his fans are freaks. And so I did this like crazy set opening for him. And I think I just didn't like prepare his audience for what I was, what was, they didn't know that there was going to be a comedian all of a sudden. And they're there for an electronic music show. They were there, you know, they wanted to, they thought they were going to have a cool night. And I kind of uncooled the vibe. No. So James showed me this Reddit thread that was like, did anyone just see Sarah Squirm open for one-0-0-tricks point ever at the Paramount? out theater that was like the most humiliating, like I was humiliated for, and it was viral. There was a lot of people talking.

And then James shared it being like, L.O.L. Isn't this funny? And I was like, is it? I don't know. I don't know about that. I love how you kind of like to make people squirm. Yes. Because it's Sarah Squirm Sherman. Yeah. It's like it's in the name. Have you legally changed yet? I should. You really should. What is your middle name? Sarah Nicole? There's a nice little Jewish girl from Long Island, Sarah Nicole. You could put squirm in there somewhere. Yeah, I could. But you really, you know, you embrace that in all of your stand-up and your new special that came out with HBO. Yep. Which it's very squirmy. It's very squirmy. It's very squirming. I wonder what Reddit would think about that. That's a deep dive for another day. But I've picked stories for you today that are just kind of like you hear them and you just. all you can do is just kind of squirm. Oh, great, great, great. Thank you. They're just kind of

uncomfortable, a little out there. Cool. And I think being, you know, the queen of squirm, you're going to have good takes on it. Oh, great. Okay, awesome. Okay, let's dive in. This episode of Two Out Takes is presented by Credit Karma. You're on your phone constantly. Shouldn't those bills count towards your credit? With Credit Spark by Intuit Credit Karma, they do. Build credit history using payments like phone bills or utilities, no debt, totally free, and missed payments aren't recorded. Not all lenders use trans union credit reports or scores impacted by Credit Spark, but if you're at or below 660 and looking to build credit history, download Credit Karma today and get the credit you deserve. Okay, up first for us here. This is coming from Am I the Asshole.

It is titled, Am I the Asshole for Not Removing My Dormat because it scares my neighbor's kid. My wife and I, both 32, have been living at our apartment for four years, and our both, both huge horror fans. We have had an Art the Clown doormat from Spirit Halloween for two years now. It's not a Halloween decoration. It's just what we like. Last month, around the beginning of April, we had some neighbors moving across from us. They have two kids. One is a baby, and one is maybe three or four years old. The first time we met them was a couple of days after they moved in. We were all bringing in groceries and I introduced myself, shook hands, all of that. The dad says, quote, still Halloween, huh? And I just laughed it off. Since then, we've come home four times to them

flipping our dorm mat. And we know it's them because we have a ring camera. We were fine, letting them do it and just flipping it back until a couple of days ago when we caught them doing it in person. We asked what the issue was, and apparently their son is super afraid of it. Yeah. Even though the kid was right there and was acting completely fine. Not crying, not anything. The only one that seemed agitated at all was the mom, who swore at us, rolled her eyes, and was just generally unpleasant. Haven't interacted with her much since.

My wife waited until they were inside and then flipped it back over. I stayed out with the dad and talked it over, and he seemed fine. He said he understood it was our space, and he would talk it over with his wife, and that his son was old enough to understand that it couldn't hurt him. This morning, we walked out, and I saw our... Our doormat wasn't even flipped over. It was thrown outside the stairwell. Oh. We live on the fourth floor, so it was a very deliberate thing. My wife wants to report it to management,

but I'm just tired about this. I kind of want to throw it away, but I also want to keep it. I don't know. I'm just confused, y'all. This is interesting. I actually might have a hot take. Let's go. Images are really powerful. Art the clown is a very powerful symbol in the culture. I can imagine as a child, even though this person is claiming that it's more like the wife being a bitch about it, I can't imagine as a child seeing such a powerful image and being scared. And if like my cool like fucking badass dad flipped it over for me, I would be like I would feel like protected. It's just a very powerful image.

I'm kind of with you. I mean, it's like a public space because it's a hallway. but like everyone does their own cute little mat. Yeah. But I guess like have you, I didn't know who Art the Clown was. Well, that's an amazing doormat. So if you saw that as a kid, you would pass away. That's the scariest thing.

Well, and I love Art the Clown. Let me be frank. I've never, never met the guy. You would not want to be meeting. Yeah. And there's an interesting optical illusion. So I think you could put whatever you want outside of your, apartment, just know that someone might be flipping it. I mean, I think the flip is fine. It's the throw

that then went a little. But I do live for a little neighbor drama. Are you in New York? Yeah. Do you have neighbor drama? No, I actually have neighbor like complete camaraderie and like familiar pizza. Okay. I'm obsessed with all my neighbors, my downstairs neighbors. I made my best friend move downstairs for me. You struck gold. I know. And I love like, I have like an 80 year old neighbor that I'm always like checking in on being like, do you need help with groceries? And she's like, I'm fine. Like, stop. I know.

You're cute. I'm a little bit cute. One time I was late for a work meeting and I was like, oh, sorry I'm late. I was helping my 80-year-old neighbor up the stairs with groceries. And everyone was like, nice fucking lie. And I wasn't lying. You're like, no, that's genuine, you assholes. Yeah.

But I, like, as someone who loves Art the Clown, I just think if you're going to put art outside your door, just know he's going to get flipped or thrown. And that's okay. But like, that's just, it's just going to get flipped and thrown. Yeah. Is O.P. the asshole, though? I'd probably lean towards no. It's your doormat. It's outside your door. You're entitled to your little space there. When I was a kid, I read, I was addicted to goosebumps and they would scare me the books. But I was addicted. And there was one that scared me so bad. It was the mask where like the kid would put on a Halloween mask and become transformed like literally like the the somebody stopped me, Jim Carrey style of that kind of. And it scared me so much that even the cover of it, I couldn't look at it.

So I made my mom put it in a drawer in the house. And then I got so scared of the drawer in the house that I wouldn't even go in the room where the drawer was, which severely eliminated my options in my home. You just didn't want to get rid of the book? Well, so then ultimately I did make my mom throw it out and then I knew that the book was in the trash. And then I made my mom take the trash out because I was so scared of its presence. Yeah. And it was because of the image, the cover. Do you guys do like little like pictures?

Oh, we sure do. This image scared me so much. Which goosebumps was it? It was the mask. It's goosebumps the mask. So it's like I can imagine. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

So like if this kid. was as triggered by the art the clown dormant as I was by the book cover of the mask. Maybe L.P. is doing an act of community violence. That could be a hot take for the day. And I got in a big fight with my boyfriend, spoiler alert, because I

went to Disneyland. Okay. Disney World. Which state were you in? Disneyland. I just moved to L.A. I was like, I want to go to Epcot. Small World.

It's a small world. And I had the, I went to Disneyland, I had the worst time of my life. What? I was like tired. I was like, why do we have to stand outside? Oh, girl. I know. And I didn't know, I didn't have money for like a fast pass or something.

But I wore my backpack that had this like flower on the back of it that looks like a giant vagina with like teeth. And my boyfriend was like, you literally can't wear that to Disneyland. That's like rude. Interesting. That's like rude to the children. but who are you seeing it. You're exposing them to something indecent. Yeah.

And so I kind of, I learned the error of my ways. I did feel kind of bad for exposing your children at Disneyland to that. How vagina like was it? Like I'm envisioning a Venus flytrap flower. It was a little more vaginal, but it was like violent. It was like violent and dripping with blood. And so I kind of, but I owned. I owned that I was like, you know what, my bad?

So I kind of feel like O.P. is a little bit in my bad territory. Okay, I mean, kid is three to four. Like, that is scary. That is, yeah. If the kid truly is indeed scared, I would say, like, maybe take a pause from the mat. If it's the mom and it's like some, like, religious thing where it's like, oh my God, that's demonic. Right. Then it's like, you have to put them out there and make life living hell.

Yeah. You got to hold your ground. Right. Did you ever see the scary stories to tell in the dark books? Of course. The Edward Gory drawings. Those were the ones that got me. Yeah.

And, like, the girl that had, like, the ribbon around her throat and she undid it. and her head fell off. We did an S&L sketch where we do that. And everyone, like, knew the reference because it was such a shocking childhood trauma memory. The pig girl? Yeah. Awesome.

Yeah, no. Okay, I need to go back and watch that one. Top comment on it. Report it. So there's a trail of them destroying your property. They will continue to escalate. 17,000 up votes on that. A lot of not the asshole.

So overall vote on the post. Not the asshole. I've got five bucks that says the kid doesn't care. Mom just likes a certain aesthetic in her place. I'd be Halloweening my door up and reporting her butt. I think that Reddit, I'm just going to say this largely is women hating, and I just feel like everyone's finding a reason to, like, hate a woman in this scenario. Making it a bigger deal?

Yeah. That's something, like, lately, I would say, that sometimes the small stuff gets made to be a lot bigger. Sure. Okay. this next one here. This is coming from Am I the Jerk? It's titled, Am I the Asshole for Ending Things and Ghosting after finding out she lied about her husband being dead.

More than one ghost here, I see. I, 32 male, am married with two kids and my wife and I have an open relationship. With her full knowledge... This is already a problem. With her full knowledge and agreement, I started seeing another woman who also said she had two kids around the same age as mine. She told me her husband had passed away, and she even showed me pictures of him. Over time, things got pretty serious, and we blended parts of our lives in a way that honestly felt really natural. The only thing that ever seemed off was that we

never went to her house, only mine or out in public. Looking back, yeah, obvious red flag. A few days ago, I randomly saw her out shopping, and she was with her. the same man she told me was dead. I didn't approach her. I didn't cause a scene, nothing. I just left and haven't spoken to her since. I've basically cut her off completely. My wife thinks I should tell the husband what's going on, but I really don't want to get dragged into her life or whatever mess she's created. I feel like I've already been lied to enough and I just want to move on. Am I overreacting for ending things and ghosting her instead of confronting her or to telling her husband.

Oh, this person should be in jail. That's jail. That is jail. That he's dead? God? May God rest everyone's soul. Like, you know, when people are like, you know, oh, like lying about calling off sick from work by being like there was like something bad in the family. That's bad karma.

That's really bad karma. I know. Or like, my grandma died. And it's like, ooh, don't put that on the universe. Say that. Don't say that. Don't do that. Bad juju. The ghosting? I don't think this person should ghost. I think the person should call them and be like, you're crazy. You are crazy. You're crazy. Would you find a way to tell the husband? None my business. I just call that person and be like, you're fucking crazy. You're a crazy person. Oh my God.

Like I actually just confront her. Yeah. That's it. See, I'm like, I kind of want the husband to know. Yeah. I mean, he should. Because, like, if you have an open marriage, you don't lie and say your husband's dead. Right. Right. She doesn't have an open marriage. I don't think she does. Well, this person's a little bit of a fool. You know, oh, we'd never been to her house. That's weird. Right. I know. Well, then I'm like, are you only at your house when your wife is gone?

Open relationships really, like, the concept. No. It's like, I don't know how people make it work. They don't. I'm way too jealous. Yeah. It's not working here. at least for her. But I'm like, did you bring her over when your wife was there and like all your kids are playing while you go upstairs? It's a mess.

Also, again, my question, do you have jobs? How do you have this, all this time to just be open all over the place? Who has time? I feel like we're just working too much. I know. I think that's our problem. I know. I think we work too much to where like we can't even have a hobby of like an open

relationship. Or a hot. Maybe that's their hobby. I think so. I work. I have one relationship. I have friends and a family. That's enough. Jesus Christ. These people. Top comment. Not the asshole for ghosting in this situation. I can understand being a bit lost for words in the moment. If you do see them together out and about again, please go in for the cuddle to say hi.

And then introduce yourself to the husband. And when he replies, I'm her husband, you say, I heard you were dead and then walk away. I do think you are the asshole for not saying something because now she's going to do it to someone else. And you've just created like a problem. So are you team tell husband now? I mean, I was just, yeah, I guess. Would you write a letter or would you knock on the door? Like a little girl scout? Like a girl scout. Hi. Hi. So your wife's like a crazy bitch, by the way. She tells everyone you're dead. That's terrible. So we do get an update from this person. Oh. They update us. Okay. Update on confronting the dead husband. Well, I didn't think at all that it would be this soon. A lot of people told me I should tell the husband, and honestly, I didn't think I would.

I just wanted to disappear from the situation and moved on. But life handled it for me this morning. I saw him alone at a coffee shop before work. I walked up to him and said, quote, hey, how'd you do it? He looked at me confused and said, do what? I said, come back from the dead. At that point, he just stared at me, completely lost. So I sat down and explained everything.

I told him what she had told me, and she said that he had passed away, showed me a picture, and that we had been seen each other for months. Turns out, this wasn't even close to the first time that she's cheated. He told me there had been affairs in the past, and apparently one of the kids might not even biologically be his because of it. He said she promised she was done with all that. But I guess this time she escalated into literally pretending he died.

Right. The guy was obviously upset. But weirdly enough, wasn't angry at me. He actually apologized to me for what she did. Right. Which made me feel awful because he's clearly been dealing with this for years. Right. I told him he didn't owe me an apology at all.

We exchanged contact info because I saved all the messages where she talked about him being dead. And he may need them later if he goes through with filing for divorce. Honestly, the whole thing feels insane and sad now. If my boyfriend cheated, there would be like an electric fence around our apartment. He would have, he would be chipped. I would have his location. I mean, first of all, I have his location and everyone I know his location on my phone. If you don't accept my location request, that's your suss.

Why can't I know where you are at all times? So it's like, I don't understand the like serial cheating. Like, how does it even happen? I know where everyone in my life is at all times. I know. I don't know. Like I've been cheated on in the past, but I think at knock on wood,

at this point in my life, I feel like it would be really hard for my partner to pull it over on me now. Right. Like we do find my friends, like stuff like that. I'm like, we also don't have any time. I'm like, how do you find the time? But.

Can you imagine seeing yourself getting gotten so many times? I would be like a once depending on the circumstances if it was like a one night stand and be like okay let's you know try to work through things totally but if it was like no a six month long relationship and one of the kids might be someone he might have like fathered a kid

I'd be like yeah no we're done and like also how do you not know where they are how often are you looking at your boyfriend's location? Every second I'm always like where is everyone so you don't have TikTok you just go on find my friends and like all my best friends like one of my best friend lives down the street, my other best friend lives downstairs.

Like, I need to know where everyone is so I can be like, let's get a coffee. Maybe that's great. No, but you, like, that's community. That's nice. That's community. I wish I could walk to my friend's houses. Like, I miss that. That's the airport for you.

I know. I need, like, a friend to move into my neighborhood so I can, like, just walk my horse to their house. Yeah, I have horses. Oh, you're not kidding. No, yeah. They're, like, in the backyard right now. eating their hay. Where is your, where do you live?

Right down the street. How big are they? They're big, they're horses. One's really big, and then one is a pony that I've had since I was like seven. So he's like, he just turned like 31 in April, April 19. Oh my God, he's a Virgo. No, no, no, he's a. I'm not sure.

He's an Aries. That's an Ares. Maybe. Yep. What are their names? Conia and. Smarty. Aw.

April 19. Do you hang out with them? Like they're like a dog? Yeah, I'm teaching them tricks. Yeah, Aries. You're good. Well, you have a very stubborn horse. He is stubborn.

And he's like very smart. Like we call him Houdini because he's always escaping out of the fence. Whoa. Yeah. He like knows how to undo the latch and then he locked the gate. Like he's very smart. I saw a horse on the drive over here. There are like horses around.

Uh-huh. They just walked the neighborhood. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Okay. Okay. That's all we have for updates on this one. Okay.

Nothing else. But. Yeah, you got to just tell everyone in that. In that situation, it's just like you tell everyone or everything. The ghosting is like, no ghost. Everybody be talking. Everybody say what you got to say. Have you ever been ghosted?

No. I'm quite persistent. I love that. You're not going to. ghost me I'll show up on your doorstep. Immediately, yeah. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by State Farm.

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Visit statefarm.com to learn more. Like a good neighbor, state farm is there. We've got one more open relationship one for you. Geez, these people. They're just popping up right now. It's too messy. It's the season of open relationships. You know, deer season comes around every year.

Uh-huh. I guess open season for open relationships is now. Just get it together, y'all. This one is coming from my good friend, direct Caterpillar 77. I have friends on Reddit now. Good. We like chat. Good.

It is titled, Fiancé, 27 male, wanted to try an open relationship. Not my first choice, but I agreed. Now he's throwing a tantrum that my body count is 20 times his. Oh. Is it time to just cut my losses and move on? I'm 25. I've been with my fiancé for four years. I love him and used to respect him,

but his recent fixation on this dumb. subject has really hurt my respect. He proposed a year and a half ago. I said yes. About a year ago, he found out that his friend had slept with 100 women prior to getting engaged, and somehow this affected his psyche, and he proposed an open relationship. Guys, everyone's just fucking and sucking all over town. At first, I was disgusted by the thought, but I agreed after he threw a major meltdown. So I started going out with friends. The first few guys, I was so nervous because I'd been with two guys, including my fiancé, prior. But after I got over the nerves, I realized when there's no pressure to start a relationship,

I'm really good at picking dudes up and sending vibes that I'm down to fuck. I've actually met several of them off Reddit as well. I've been with 42 guys in the past year. I never thought it would happen, but I've enjoyed myself immensely. Oh, good. Okay. But honestly, I'm ready to stop. But as it turns out, my fiancé is not good at it.

And he's had two really bad hookups from dating apps. When we were having the where are we discussion. He had two and she had 40. He had another meltdown when he found out how many guys I've been with. He kept repeating, you've slept with 20 times the number I have, 20 times. I said maybe we should just stop. He said no, that he wasn't ready now, but he wants to impose a rule. No.

That I have to have a break until he gets to 10. No. And then I can go out and meet someone new every five new girls that he sleeps with. No. To me, this is goddamn ridiculous. Part of the fun was the independence and not checking in. Now he literally wants me to keep a log. And then when he hits an achievement, then I can do my own.

own thing? How shitty is that? In all honesty, I don't want a relationship where we compare numbers, let alone fuck other people. I want a normal life with kids and a house and a dog. What are we supposed to say? Quote, I watch the kids until you fuck five women. Then it's my night. Is it time to just say enough is enough and move on? Is there any hope here? This guy's a fucking loser. Nobody wants to have sex with him because he sucks, obviously. This guy sucks. Get out of there. This guy stinks. I mean, it's either an open relationship or it's not. Right. And then the thing with these open relationships,

like when the rules happen and now their rules had numbers, like a numerical coefficient, like get at it. Now, this guy's in now. Nobody wants to fuck him. Take the hint. This is kind of what happens with these open relationships, though. Like, typically, guys will do this. I have seen one, though, where someone just wrote in a reference.

it and he's like, my wife told me, and he literally, this is the quote, she wants to be a slut and, like, was asking for an open relationship and wanted to sow her wild oats, whatever. But typically it's coming from a guy. Yeah. And then relationship is open. Woman has an easier time. And then they get upset. They have no confidence.

It's like not anyone's responsibility that he, like, has no self-worth. It's a loser. And that's what I think he needs to work on is, like, you need to be more confident in yourself? Like, why are you comparing yourself to your friend that slept with 100 women? And by the way, he's lying. You think? It's like everybody's lying. So, Opie does have a little bit of an edit.

RIP my inbox with people calling me a whore. Guys, wow, glad my best karma has to do with me sleeping around. I have 1,400 unread messages. Whoa. And 17 chat requests. I'm almost certainly not going to bang anyone from this thread. So we do get an update. I guess I made the front page of Reddit yesterday.

Whatever. I read the response as well into the morning. While my now ex-fiance absolutely blew up my shit alternating between calling me a whore and I see you next Tuesday, asking me why I disgraced myself and him like that.

He also peppered the barrage with things like, what's going to happen to us after this? I finally fell asleep at like 3 a.m. and should have worked, but after finally admitting that he needed to break things off with him, I called in sick to work. Went to fiancé's house, asked to come in, told him we had to talk, he said we did. But as a testament to his fucking out-of-control ego, he prefaced his part of the conversation with,

quote, I want you to know in advance, I may not be ready to accept your apology. Fuck him. I planned on being nice, but that was too much. I just told him, it's over between us. His look of surprise was a combination of pathetic and amusing, because even after calling me all sorts of gendered slurs, for the better part of a few hours, he still wasn't expecting me to break up with him. He begged me to know why. I think I told him he had to know why, and I tried to leave. I had no desire to talk to him, so I tried to leave, and he kept blocking me.

I finally told him that if he didn't fucking let me go, I was going to call the police. He finally relented, but as I was trying to drive away, he came out and started punching the driver's side window. It was terrifying, but it didn't break. Between leaving his place and getting to mine, he texted me and called a dozen times. I just blocked him, deleted the whole conversation without reading it. Fuck him, too, because I had the ring in my pocket and planned on giving it back to him. But now, I'm too scared to see him and give it back, so I'm selling the motherfucker, or getting it melted down. So that's that. I don't know. This might get removed in a few days, but it's all good. I don't know whether I'm coming or going

at this point. It's been a crazy couple of days. We're going to see this guy on the front page of the news for something crazy. You called it. I absolutely called it. Moving along. Psycho. Moving along to this next one. Are you a thrifter?

Do you like thrifting? Everything I'm wearing. You're good. Okay. So this is coming from R slash reselling. It's a subreddit for professional resellers and those that aspire to be. This one is titled, I bought a box at Goodwill for $5,

and I need some advice on a situation that has developed. I do my usual Goodwill rounds on Saturday mornings looking for stuff to flip, and I found this nice-looking wooden box with brass hardware for $5. I thought it was a jewelry box, or maybe a cigar humidor, so I figured I could flip it for $40, $60 easy.

I got home and opened it up, and it was heavy and full of a, grayish powder in a sealed bag. Yeah. There was also a small metal plate on the inside lid that I didn't notice in the store. Yeah. Like it has a name and two dates on it. Yeah.

So yeah, I bought a person. Yeah. I listed it anyways and dumped the bag into a Tupperware container and listed the box on eBay. And it's sold within a day. About a week later, I get a message on eBay from someone asking if the box had anything inside of it when I bought it. I said no because I panicked and I'm a bad person. They sent a second message that was very long and very emotional explaining that their mother passed last year and somehow her ashes ended up at Goodwill after a family dispute and they've

been searching for them for months. They described the box in perfect detail, including a small scratch on the bottom left corner. So now I have a dead woman's ashes. in a glass Tupperware container in my garage and her grieving daughter is messaging me on eBay. And I already told her the box was empty and I sold the box to someone in Ohio. I looked into whether Goodwill is liable for selling human remains and the answer appears to be complicated and also nobody has tested this in court, which is not comforting. My questions are, one, do I come clean to the daughter? Two, how do I explain that her mother is in a Tupperware container now?

Three, is there a way to get the box back from Ohio without explaining why? Four, can Goodwill ban you? Because I still need to go there on Saturdays. If he doesn't give the ashes to the daughter, he's going to hell. But what do you do? You'd be like, I have your mom in a jar. You have to give them back. Yeah.

I wouldn't be able to sleep with myself if I didn't find a way to get these ashes back. No. Like, how is this even a question? I feel like there's people out there that would have flushed them, to be honest. Yeah. Or throw them away. Yeah. I think this happens pretty commonly a Goodwill.

Really? I think it's like a thing that they get ashes quite a bit. Right. Lord. He's got to, it is interesting that he kept them. Well, he felt guilt. Right. Right.

How does he not have felt some guilt? Everyone's probably telling him to return them, right? Let's see what the comments say. Top comment. Just tell them you lied up first because you felt guilty for accidentally coming home with the remains and that the box sold. Get them the ashes. They don't care about the box. You could be the real key in their grieving process. Good luck. Someone says, yes, this. They want the ashes, not the box. Right. I will say urns are pretty pricey, though. How much is an urn? If it's like a stone one, like I paid 600 for one, 700. Okay. Can you open it? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I looked in the ashes. I, like, wanted to see if you could see any teeth because I had previously heard that sometimes it doesn't... And was it? There were some shards. Like bone? I... It's hard to tell. Hard to tell. But this is, like, a box. It was like a wooden box and then a just... It comes in just like a bag. Like, they're just in a bag. And they're like gray. It looks like fireplace soot.

But then an urban... they're just loose in there. No, still in a bag typically. Unless you pour the bag into the urn. Right. But like we just shoved the bag into the urn. And it's like a plastic bag. Yeah.

This is like, I mean, I think you can kind of get a bunch of different options. Ooh, the wood is a bargain. $79. I wouldn't know that that was an urn. Earn. Oh, 400. Also, who's buying like a wooden box on eBay? This sold immediately?

I don't know. Cigar boxes are pretty. I guess, right. I wonder if this person, if like the person on who is buying it on eBay. No? Like, yeah. I would think not.

But maybe they labeled it as an urn because how did then the other person find the listing? So it must have been labeled like with an urn. Right. Right. Right. had like, I don't know, dates or whatever, brass plate. Right. I've, literally, I've looked on eBay and offer up in Craigslist for lost items of mine.

So, like, it can be done. Really? Yeah. What were you? What was missing? Cartier ring just slipped off my finger. I was hand sanitizing outside of a Lulu Lemon and Studio City and, there you go. Bam, popped off, didn't feel it. You know the thrifting hack on eBay.

What is it? You just, you type in designer names wrong. And it's people, like, not really knowing what they have, like, listing items wrong. And then you get, like, you know, cheap comte garson. Okay. Because someone didn't know what they had. That's smart. Mm-hmm.

That is really smart. That's, yeah, okay. Now I know what to do. I'm on the hunt for some things. Your cardiaboring, that's for sure. I know. It's clean. It's sanitized.

We've replaced her. Oh, congratulations. She's fine now. She's good. But, yeah, definitely got it. to give this back. We don't have an update, so we have no idea what OP does. O.P., you're going to the fiery furnace of hell with those, where the ashes were. You're going into the crematorium if you don't return that. That's crazy.

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Like, can I get banned from Goodwill? No. No, you can get banned from all of your group chats if you're the guy. I wouldn't be texting you back if you're the guy who didn't return the mom. body. No, I'd be done with you. Okay, this next one, this is coming from our slash relationship advice. It's titled, My boyfriend loves to feed me meals every day. Hmm. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had. He's so sweet and a tentative. He always puts me first, and it's honestly a fresh of air compared to my past relationships. He's a chef. Whenever we went out to eat, he would always feed me a bite of his food. I never minded and thought it was cute.

When we started hanging out with others at their houses, he would always offer to cook, and then he would feed me my meal. I told him, it's fine, I can feed myself, but he would always insist. He said he loves feeding beautiful woman his food. Right. You've got a pervert, ladies and gentlemen. Now it's kind of escalating. He wants to feed me on his lap. Yeah. I told him that I'm not interested in sitting on his lap and getting fed, I'd rather just watch the show and eat my chips myself instead of a whole meal he made. When I say no, he gets a bit awkward and I start to feel bad. But it's so weird how he loves to feed me all my meals. Why? I know there's way weirder things out there and the intention is sweet, but I'm starting to think it might be a kink or something.

Yes, it's a kink. You have a feeder boyfriend. I don't discuss the intimates of my relationship. relationships with my friends. So I'm on here. Is this weird or sweet? By the way, this is a daily occurrence whenever we're together. Well, first of all, why don't you got friends you could talk to? Some people just like don't want to embarrass themselves or like say something bad about their partner and then like they stay with them and it's like, well, I'm staying with the food guy. If your boyfriend's got a feeder fetish. If you're not into it, get out of there. That's what he likes. He's like shoveling it into her mouth by hand. I wouldn't mind that.

You wouldn't? Hungry. I'm a hungry girl. The top comment. I mean, it's got to be good. It's got to be good food. Sitting in his lap. Have fun.

It would only, the novelty would wear off though. Yes. It would wear off very quickly. And him getting like irritated by not being able to feed sounds bizarre. It can't be every. I'm like not king shaming at all because there's a right shoe for every left. Sure. Like someone's got a feeder fetish and they'll find their feedy, whatever.

But like it would not do it for me to know someone's getting off on feeding me. And that's how I know I'm just, I wouldn't, that's not my person. Right. Right. It sounds like she's not into it. It sounds like she does not have the right shoe for his left shoe fetish. Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Top comment. I'm not even a little bit involved in the fetish king community, and this is screaming fetish to me. Yeah. Someone goes, yep, the guy's a feeder. Someone says, I suggest you look into feederism. It's a fetish. Also be careful with your waistline. Because if he gets off on feeding you, there's a chance he'll get off on fattening you up as well. Yes, that's part of it, yes. It's like Hansel and Gretel. I know. I know all about this. Do you? I think I maybe need a feeder and I want to be the mouth. I'm hungry all the time. Are you really? Yeah. Do you have like, there's someone that

literally just posted recently and they're like, I'm hungry all the time. Like, I think I have a parasite. Yeah, maybe. Honestly, maybe. Haven't gotten tracked? No, there's like other problems that come first, I guess. Yeah. It's just like the never ending list of problems. I mean, all you have to do is mail in poop. That's true. You're familiar with the process already. I'm very much familiar with this. I've sat on a train with a box of my own poop in my lap. And it was more. And it was more. What? I had to bring my poop to my doctor and it was not mail-in. It was, I was the delivery person on the train. Do you have tummy problems? Of course. Yeah. Every hot girl does. Thanks. You know, catch us up with us. The train, that was a new experience.

Yeah, it was warm in my lap. It was warm. That was odd. But it wouldn't. That's a fresh sample. It was fresh. It was. It was. It was. It wasn't even that fresh. Yeah. But I guess it's really hot when it comes out of you. I did not ever come into contact with mine when I took samples. I had like a little like scoop. Right.

And you just scooped it. And you do it. Then you did it there. No, I did have to have it in my house. And I like triple bagged it and just like kept it by the door ready to go. I remember the scoop. Of course. I remember the scoop. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like he's trying to fatten this girl up. Yeah. And she's sitting in his lap, so he wants to feel the weight. Yeah. O.P. does share, I'm naturally pretty thin. Since quarantine, I have gained 15 pounds, but I just assumed it was quarantine weight. Feederism, let me look it up. Sorry, girl, you got got got fed. You got fed. You got full. We do get an update. I've never given a guess this many updates before. Thank you. I appreciate it. Yeah, Taylor Tomlinson actually cried over the lack of updates. I have. for her. I'm so sorry, Taylor. I've bested you. I learned from my ways. So update, thanks for

everyone that replied. I read every single one. I didn't even think my question would get more than a few replies. Someone commented that I researched feterism, and I did. And wow. So many things became clear, and now in hindsight, I'm shocked I didn't see it earlier. In my defense, I'm not a kinky person. I don't even know this was a kink. For starters, I'm naturally pretty thin. I'm It's a big insecurity of mine. I know, she keeps repeating it. I know. We get it.

Rub it in. I'm 5-7 when we first got together. I was 110. Now 125. Oh, she's thin. When he first met my parents, he later remarked that my mom being so thin after having five kids is crazy. Oh.

Looking back, he seemed disappointed. He also tells me all the time that I have the perfect frame to be thick. He noticed my weight gain before I. did, and during sex he would always caress my waist, hips, and stomach area, and tell me I'm looking more volumptuous. It really didn't click. It really didn't click for you. He also told me that he can't wait for me to get pregnant because he knows I'll be even more beautiful, and he'll feed me so much I'll never snap back. He always said it in a joking tone and a laugh, so I thought it was a dumb joke. I decided that before I say anything to him, let me look up his exes and see if any of them

have gained a lot of weight. He's new to the area and has only been with one girl before, and her Instagram page is private, and her profile photo is a group picture, so I couldn't tell which one she is. Then I looked up her name on LinkedIn, and she has a profile. She co-owns a business with her sister whose Instagram isn't private, so I searched up, and my suspicions were confirmed. She used to be average weight, and now she looks heavier. I was still in denial and thought maybe that she was responsible for her weight gain,

not him. I just couldn't believe this fetish was a thing. I invited him over last night to watch a movie. I was scared to see him because I know if I didn't say anything, I probably never would have the courage because I'm not very confrontational. He came over and watched a movie and ordered food. Our food came. He heated it up in the microwave and plated it for us like he always does. He kept the two plates next to him. And when I tried to grab one, he held them above his head He's wound his bod. And shook his head with a grin like it's cute. I rolled my eyes and he grabbed a fork and took pieces of chicken and then held it in front of my mouth.

I refused to open my mouth. So he pressed it against my lips. No, no. And I pulled back and stood up to grab the plate that he was holding over his head. No. He gave me a weird look. And I wanted to say sorry so bad. Why am I like this?

But I didn't. I just grabbed another fork, walked over to my couch with my plate, and started eating, hoping he could take the hint without me having to say anything. He came to sit next to me and started eating too, and we just watched the movie for a few minutes in peace. He then took a piece of chicken off my plate and tried to feed it to me again. This is a no-means-no situation. This time I said no, and he asked what was wrong. I said nothing was wrong and that I'm an adult and I'm perfectly capable of eating my own orange chicken. by myself. He said he knows

I'm an adult and he wants me to concentrate on the movie instead of worrying about feeding myself. He then tried to keep pressing it against my mouth and I just wouldn't open it. Dude, relax. This is like a Law & Order episode.

Are you kidding me? I would go crazy. Can you imagine? Choo-choo! Donald's clothes. Getting orange chicken off of your lips. Oh my God. At this point, I was fed up and I snapped at him.

That is weird to constantly want to feed me, and I don't want him to anymore. I did say it in a harsh tone, but I was upset. He tensed up and didn't say anything and scooted to the other side of the couch. He scooted, dude. Then he just stared me down as I ate. Literally, he wasn't even watching the movie. Even when I would look at him thinking he would look away, he would just stare at my mouth as I chewed. I was disgusted.

After I finished my food, he picked up his uneaten plate, and he told me that I could have it. I told him, I don't want it. I'm good, dude. I'm good. And he said he'd rather it not go to waste, and if I'm too tired to feed myself, he'll do it. Bro, relax. I was fed up again and told him that I think we should break up because we're obviously not on the same page. He asked if all of this was because he wants to feed me. And I said yes, it is. He said that he's a chef and he loves food and he also loves women. And there's nothing better than combining the two. Right. He's going to eat a woman. I was like my first thought.

I felt like an object. He said that this can't be the real reason why I'm ending things. And I must be seen someone else. Right. That he treats me like a queen and most other boyfriends wouldn't have ever cooked me a meal, let alone have fed it to me. Right. They wouldn't have. I asked him to leave and he wouldn't until I gave him the real reason as to why I broke up with him.

I said, because you have a feeding kink. and he started cackling saying that I'm a sick bitch. Oh, Jesus. And that a guy showing me, he loves me, someone as sad and disgusting as me, must truly be some sort of kink. Because no one in their right mind would ever do it. All these men are going to be on the news, I swear. Then he left and blocked me everywhere. I loved him before.

But that conversation turned me off so much. I'm honestly not sad that we're over. No. I'm actually kind of relieved. I just don't understand why he truly has this. this kink, why he wouldn't tell me and ask me to indulge in it. Why would he deny it and block me? It is because of my dismissing behavior when he tried feeding me, question mark. This guy, there's going to be a doc. He's about to catch a documentary.

The feeder swindler. Yeah. Yes. It's coming. Coming soon. In denial. How could you be in denial about being a feeder? You're pressing the chicken to her lips. I love cooking and I love women. Girl, you didn't even cook the food. You microwaved it. You doorkash that.

Like, what? Bizarre. I would not be able to handle this. Watching, having someone just stare at my mouth as I chew. If you're a feeder, no problem. Hey, what's up? I'm a feeder. Can I put this orange chicken in your mouth?

Awesome. Next. Convo. Consent. All good. Cool. It sounds like it's like a control thing. Yeah.

I wonder if that's where it comes from. Yeah. I will make her. weigh 138 pounds. Psychologically. I'd love for a psychologist to chime in and just like give us the top fetishes and be like, this is where it comes from. Right.

And it's all good. You can have that fetish. Just don't lie and be suss. No. I do have another fetish one. But what is like, what's a kink that you think you would be okay with or a fetish that like isn't that out there? One time I was in, when I was in Chicago doing stand up,

I had like a picture in the Chicago Tribune where my armpit hair was out. And my friend was a dominatrix at the time. And their client was like, ah, had a body hair fetish. Oh. So he was like, yo, I saw your friend in the newspaper. Like, would she let me lick her armpit hair and jerk off? And I was like at the time, yeah, that sounds cool. Coming into fruit.

It didn't end up happening. but I was open-minded. I was going to get paid a thousand bucks for a guy to look my armpit hair and jerk off. I didn't have to do anything. A thousand dollars? At the time, I needed it. And it didn't happen. No, that's like...

I know. Oh, I know. How do people find these opportunities? I have a friend that she would sell feet picks, but he didn't even want to see the feet. He just wanted to see the dirty socks. Oh. And I'm like... How much did she get for that?

She made a lot of money. I know. A guy once asked me for feet picks. And he, his big, so he showed me, like, examples of what he wanted. Like, it had to be, like, toes curling and all this, like, kind of stuff. Yeah, that was, like, and I was, like, totally down. It was, like, 300 bucks or something. And then he said, but your face has to be in it.

Like, it had to be, like, me going, like, whatever with my face in the background. I was like, bro, if you want my face in it, that's, like, that's, like, 2000. It's double. And he wouldn't. He wouldn't pay up. I was doing a lot of volunteering for Bernie Sanders campaign at the time. And he wanted me to wear a Bernie T-shirt, underwear, no socks, curling my toes with my face of the background. So specific.

I'm so, so, he wanted like universal health care toes. He wanted it all. Why does this feel like a blackmail? Well, I was like, I'm cool. Like if you, I'm like, what if it was just my feet? No face. And he was like, no, your face has to be in it. No.

And this is when I was like, you know, I hadn't gotten on SML at the time. I was kind of hoping my could, you know, happen. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, I kind of just didn't want those pictures out there. But I was, I said 2000. He said no. What was the original rate?

It was like 300 bucks. Oh, yeah. No. And I'm like, bro. You're really begging for specifics. Yeah. No. That is so, so funny.

So this post is actually coming from our very own Too Hot Takes subreddit. Oh. We've got our own page now. Whoa. And it's titled, I 25 female have a secret kink that I haven't told my partner 27 male about. Okay. I'm trying to exposure therapy myself into being able to share this with him. And I feel like this is a pretty accepting and sex positive community overall.

So here we go. I'm a mid-20s woman who has been with her boyfriend for a few years. Ever since I became a sentient being, I've always had a thing for tickling. Like, I've always wanted boys to tickle me. And as I got older, it's been really intertwined with some BDSM stuff. And ultimately, I want to be tied down and tickled until I literally can't think. It's definitely a power dynamic thing and a I need to turn my brain off thing. and it feels good to me physically and mentally.

It could absolutely go a sexual route, but honestly, even just the tickling by itself would do it for me. When I was in college, I met up with a couple of guys in the city I was in who were also into it. Oh, that's cool. Literal ecstasy. Oh! I just floated for days afterwards. I've been with my boyfriend for a few years,

and although I have a feeling he knows at least a little bit of. bit that I enjoy it. I haven't confessed it to him. He will tickle me a lot and has even made comments about how he can tell I like it. He just doesn't really know the extent of it. Anyways, that's my weird story to share. I'm happy to answer any questions or yield any judgment. I know it's atypical, and it's deaf a shameful thing for me. Hence why I haven't shared it with my very sweet and loving boyfriend after all this time. Thanks for reading. Don't be a shame, girl. Get your bag. Get your tickling bag. This one sounds great.

There's a documentary about this. You're good. People know about it. The tickling? There's a dock. Yeah. There's a dock. There's a dock.

You're good. Have you watched it? No, but it was like a thing. I feel like this out of all the ones to have. Totally. That sounds great. No one's getting hurt. No one's getting fat.

No one's getting chicken on their lips. It's all good. She, why is it? Coochicu? She's got to tell them. It's funny. Like so many people are coming to Reddit to ask questions. that they already know the answers to.

I know, but that's like, that's the crazy thing about shame. Right. Where you just, like, her anxiety or whatever, like, is that barrier in our head where it's just, like, it's so irrational, but yet just pesters you. Right. It's all good. This is what I want to know what happened with those two guys from college. What does a tickling orgy look like?

I know. Or was it even an orgy or was it just like a tickle down? Which is, right. So it's a, so it's like a tickle. Ekele or G. Without, I mean, with or without sex. I'm, now I'm curious. I find tickling to be absolute torture, which I see is part of the BDSM part of it.

She's depriving, maybe she's, like, getting off on, like, depriving herself of joy. Don't do that. I know. Do not. Girl, get your tickle on. Life is short. Get tickled. Good for her.

Do we have an update? We do have a little bit of an update, but I did look up that tickled. You mentioned? It's from 2016 and it's about competitive endurance tickling. Yes. Yes. Yes. There's tickling competitions? Yeah, this is like a whole thing. She is like, there's a whole world out there for her. This is an activity in which young, athletic men are restrained and tickled by each other. This is crazy. I know. The world is so big and complicated. Like there's so many things I don't understand. Like this. The slap competition. Yeah.

Is that a fetish? It must be. It must be. People's, don't touch my face. Do whatever you want to me. Don't touch my face. Have you seen them? Their faces swell, yeah.

Like, they get rocked. Yeah. I don't. It's got to be. That's got to be in line with this. Yeah. So, yeah, we do get a little bit of an update. Okay.

After the top comment says, that's low-key, one of the least embarrassing. Caircing Canks, I would think your boyfriend would be happy for you to open up to him. Only fun to be had. And so update says, I told him. He was mostly confused about why it was such a big deal to me, and he said he finds tickling me, mostly amusing, but that he is open to making it sexual as well. Okay. I'm seeing him tomorrow, so hopefully I get wrecked.

Okay. I can't imagine getting wrecked by a tickle. She's like a telotubby or something. She's like a care bear. But I'm not holding any expectations of him because I know it is new to him. He also said to me that 90% of the male population would shrug their shoulders at this and be perfectly okay with it. Yeah. Which basically aligned with the comments.

So yeah. Yay. Thank you all very much for your kind words and encouragement. I have felt extremely weighed down by this secret and confession and it finally hit a breaking point. All the affirming comments really gave me the courage I needed. to move forward with this. She should be on Reddit finding her people. The ticklers?

Yeah. That could be a new sub. Totally. But she's got her little tickle boy now. Right. But I kind of want her to get down. I kind of want her to go to like festivals and like conventions. There's got to be.

Parties. I wonder if they trim their nails. Like how in there do they get? Oh, you have to trim your nails, don't you think? I'm also like, I'm like, is there a day? difference between a sexual tickle and like a schoolyard tickle. Have you ever had anyone sit on you and tickle you? Yeah, like as a torture. Yes, yes. Like that must be different. Or it's not. I'm going to be exploring this. There is a video on TikTok about tickling at a rent fair.

Okay, right? There seems like a lot of overlapping of interests here. Yeah. Which, I don't of all the places to see tickling. I'm like, but I'm like, I wonder if it is the same thing. Renfair tickling. It's, I don't know. It's a whole thing. Tickle fun. Okay.

Are they really, are we tickling each other at rent fares? Yeah. They doing everything at a rent fair. Have you been to one recently? No, it's never come up. I know. I feel like you would thrive there. I know.

Again, like the same thing with Disneyland. It's like, I don't want to be outside, like, walking around. I'm too Jewish for like any of these things. Not outdoorsy? I don't want to like go outside. I don't want to do. I don't have time. Again, I don't have time for this crap.

You've never been camping, have you? I slept outside one time and it was the worst day of my life. I like, it wasn't camping. It was like I had to, I was doing comedy at a music festival in Kentucky. And we were all sleeping in tents. And I never slept in a tent before. I couldn't find one fun thing about that. It was cold.

Yeah. You're on the ground. Oh, you didn't even get a cot or like a little roll? I had like a little like, um, egg crate. Yeah, no, I didn't. There was a spider. Ooh. I just like, like, no sleeping lied there.

I'm more of a glamper. Okay. But I do love a nice hotel. Of course. Love power. Love electricity. Oh my God. I love a sink.

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Driven by Performance Auto Group. Can't tell about my hair, but I do like to shower. Why, don't pick on yourself. You're right. I'm, I put the glam and glam thing. I mean, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Okay.

I got one last one for us here. Okay. This is coming from Today I Fooked Up. It is titled Today I Fooked Up by asking my friend's mom out. Oh. My friend's mum has been single for the last few years. She is currently in her mid-40s. I am in my early 20s, and I have always found her to be really attractive.

She carries herself with confidence and has a pretty wicked sense of humor. For most people who do not know her, she can seem pretty cold, detached, and aloof, but once you get to know her, she's one of the nicest and most caring people out there. I have been strongly infatuated with her for the last two years. Recently, I ran into her in a shopping mall and we had a great conversation. She got us both a coffee and we had a good time yapping away at the cafe. Ever since, she appeared in my dream twice. I have never felt like this towards any other woman before,

not in the last 22 years of my life. Yesterday, I decided to make a move. I slid in her Instagram DM and told her that her dinner outfit was amazing and looked really good on her. Then I asked her for dinner, just to catch up further. She replied initially, saying, sure, and she would bring her son Alon too. I did not know how to reply to that. I wanted to make it clear that this was a date, and it would be the two of us. I gave it a few hours.

then I got a bottle of red wine, chugged two glasses down to calm my nerves, and boost my confidence. Then I texted her, telling her I would love to go on a date with her. Right after I sent that, it was radio silence from her till an hour ago. She dropped me a text, gently declining my offer and telling me I'm a great kid and all the best with girls my age. I am absolutely crushed. I don't know how my friend will see me from now onward. I have no idea if she told my friend. Today I fucked up.

Mulfhunter.com, bro. You're good. Just get you a milf. All you need is a milf. You're good. Hey. I bet a lot of moms deal with this. My mom was harassed.

Harassed. By your friends? My brother's friends. So my brother's eight years older than me. So, like, my mom has. had him when she was like 19. Sure. So she was always the hot mom.

Yeah. And those, they're freaky. They are freaky. Moms are off limits. Come on. He's got some chops, though. Because I would be squirming. Like that conversation, like, you couldn't pay me.

And good for her for responding tactfully. You're such a good kid really, like, hammering that home. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Because some people have done this. You know, some people do. sleep with their kids friends.

He can't be doing that. I'm like thinking of all my friends' dads and I'm like, well, I can see it. Yeah, well, what are you going to do? There's a couple. There's a couple. My one friend has an uncle that, like, everyone goes feral over. I was out. I was at a party, brag, the other night.

And one of my friends that I was with, there was, like, a young 25-year-old. And she was like, oh, we go out with your uncle. Your uncle? No, like, she said it to my friend. Oh, yeah, like, we part, hey, I know we've never met, but I party with your uncle. Uncle stay inside. What? Why are they outside?

Uncle, if you're an uncle, stay in. Yeah. You can't be outside. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, no. Also, what a weird way to introduce yourself to someone? Yeah. I mean, I guess you find any bridge you can to cross with someone, but partying with my uncle would make me not want to be your friend.

Yeah. I'm good. I'll see him on things. Thanksgiving and I want to be thinking about you. Yeah. Is the uncle famous? No. That was my question, too.

How'd they meet? I don't know. Pilates? I hope. Is it? I mean, that would have been better. But no. Her uncle's outside.

Yeah. Married? I'm being so discreet because I'm like... People start... Not married. Okay. Okay. I'm glad my uncles are

Locked up They're locked up They're not going out Top comment on this one With 17,000 upvotes Inviting her son Was her way of turning you down nicely Yeah, she was being nice

Do you get weird inquisitions These days? I could always get more I try not to really look But I'm sure there's some stuff in there You have an Instagram too I have an Instagram But you know how there's like a

secret folder where they go. Yeah. So I don't open the secret folder because that's Pandora's box of hell. The requests. Like, because there's, yeah. So I see, like, messages for my friends. Okay. There's a separate folder. The request. Where the creeps come out at night. I should look. I'd probably feel better about myself. You'd probably have so many more like, hey, Sarah, I'm ready for your feet. I'll pay 2K. I know. Especially after this. Honestly, now, putting this out.

out there. If you want a picture of my feet with my face in it and I'm wearing a Bernie shirt, 15K, I'll do it, no problem. That seems like a- That seems reasonable. For nowadays. Right. It seems reasonable. Okay. You guys know where to find it, right? Hurry here first. Thank you so, so much for coming on. Everyone go watch Sarah's special on HBO.

What else are you working on? Oh, S&L just finished. So- Oh, my God. Yes, your butt. Yeah, my butt. Your butt with Will Sarah. It was out. It was so good. Well, if you have a butt fetish, watch that on YouTube. Your auctioneer bit, too.

Did you watch? See, how did you prepare for that? I literally watched cattle auctions. And I, like, rehearsed it a lot. Yeah. And then, so I practiced it a lot. And then I showed it to Matt Damon, and he did it immediately without Brexit.

He's probably done it before, though. Movie Star. Yeah, he's probably done it before. Yeah, I had to add it off. There's a school. There is a school. There's like, it's, I see their videos on TikTok. Me too.

I saw, I saw, um, I was like watching a bunch of auctioneer videos to practice. And I saw the school and I was like, oh, maybe I should hit up the school and like get a tutor for a day to practice. Yeah. And then I should have done that. Hey, that would have been. I could see it coming back up again. You never know. You never know.

If anyone wants to tutor me. Betty Butterbee or Better Better Better Bear. That's a real... Yeah. That's one of the practice ones. Have you been to an auction? No, my dad used to be an auctioneer though. It was like a side quest of his back in the day.

What kind of auctioneer? He would buy companies and liquidate them. Oh, like a company auctioneer? Yeah. There's all kinds. Yeah, there's so many. Yeah. Oh, I actually have an auction I need to call into today.

I'm trying to buy a piece of furniture. What kind of auction? It's a furniture auction. Yeah, art furniture. But there's no fast talkers. No. No. I know. It's kind of vintage. It's a dying art. It really is. Well, guys, let's keep it alive. Yeah. Where can everyone find you?

You can find me if you need to DM me, request for feet pictures at Sarah Swarm on Instagram. And if you want to see my butt on SNL, you can look at it on YouTube. All of Sarah's links will be in the description. Until next time, guys, bye.