Two Hot Takes - 32: Rough Road, Happy Ending

Episode Date: September 9, 2021

Two Hot Takes host, Morgan, is joined by guest co-host Justin! This episode dives into stories that have a tough beginning but work themselves out towards the end... but what do you think? Bonus Cotent :)) : https://www.patreon.com/TwoHotTakes Full length Video episodes available on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/TwoHotTakes

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Traumatic. Traumatic? No. A little, a little traumatic, yeah. I don't know. It just felt like we did the same thing about 10 times, but still made a lot of progress somehow. Yeah.

So today's theme fits very well with our weekend. Rough road, but happy ending. I don't know if it's a rough road, but. It was rough. You guys, you will see it soon, but we've created a new podcast space that is not my bedroom. And so I'm just happy to have my room back and there's this moment where it's like this is what you see is Instagram and then what I see in the rest of my room is reality and

I actually took a picture while Justin was setting up and I'll put it in the YouTube because my room is horrendous and I'm ready to have it back and clean and not a podcast space. So very excited to show you our new space soon. So that's what we've been working on this whole holiday weekend. I wouldn't say it was a rough road. It's one of those roads that kind of never ends and also just continually twist back around.

You ever been on those roads where you're on it for a while and it feels like it's turning back towards the way you came from? Yeah. Windy mountain. And you almost feel like you're going back to the start. Yeah. That's what it felt like and kind of was. Fuck, we're doing laps.

Yeah. Well. But we made it. We made it. I think the room's going to be great and it's a happy ending. Like the stories we're going to talk about today so far. I know. Knock on wood here.

Okay. You ready? Yes. Let's do it. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Two Hot Takes. I'm your host, Morgan. I'm Justin. The titles are probably going to be deceiving.

I have read all of these ones. These ones have a lot of updates. So if you think I'm done reading, I'm probably not. There's a lot of updates throughout. So we'll have conversations after the initial story and then we'll read the update and chat after that as well. Okay. So these stories are very complex, rough road.

I don't know if there's anything else that can be said. They're kind of. Down for the rough. Yeah. So kind of don't judge a book by a cover vibes. Booked by the cover. It's. It's cover.

God. What is up with me? Insane. Okay. So up first, I told my 36 female husband, 37 male that we should get a divorce so he can marry his late wife's tombstone. For a way account, English is not my first language. So excuse any mistakes.

I 36 female married my husband 37 male 10 years ago prior to our relationship. He had been married for two years to L 22 female. Sadly she passed away because of an ongoing health issue. I met my husband five years after her passing. At the beginning of our relationship, I had some issues with his romantic history to put it bluntly. I was having trouble accepting my husband's past and that he did not stop loving his late wife, but was forced to do so.

I went to therapy for a year to treat that and I managed to overcome this issue. My husband knows this and was very supportive of me and the treatment. I now like to say that L and I would have been best friends. The issue after 10 years of marriage, we have been having a lot of arguments derived from bad communication. We just seem to blow everything out of proportion. About three months ago and we have an argument. He takes the car and goes away for hours.

When I asked where he went, he told me he quote went to see her, meaning L. Now this is very weird from him because he at best visits L's grave three times a year. I then asked him to not run away every time we fight and to please tell me when he goes to the cemetery so we can go together. He just brushed me off. He has been doing this for months now and it is destroying me. The feelings I fought the first year of our relationship are coming back. I'm sad all the time.

I cry at night, but my husband just keeps going away for hours. At this point, I think he is doing it out of spite more than anything else. Yesterday, I reached my limit. We fought over freaking trash. That's how petty our arguments are. He took the car at 4 p.m. returned at 11 p.m. I was waiting for him at the dining room. The convo went like this, where were you?

I visited her again. I've told you multiple times about how your actions hurt me and you continue to do them. You can't stop me from going. Well, we can get a divorce. That way you can marry L's tombstone, being that you care more about it than our marriage. I could see the shock in his face when I said that. I apologized immediately, but I think he did not hear me. I saw how he started crying.

He has been locked in his office since yesterday and he refuses to come out. I feel like the biggest asshole ever. What I said was a low blow and something horrible. I attacked him where I knew he was going to hurt. But at the same time, a part of me thinks that what he is feeling right now is just a fraction of what he has put me through for months. I literally made a vow to L the day I got engaged. I told her, quote, you can take care of him from heaven and I will take care of him from

here on earth. I broke that vow. Is there anything I can do to salvage this relationship? Oh, wow. Okay. I didn't know you were done. There's a brief edit though that. I kind of want to talk before the edit.

My gut reactions that he's not doing it out of spite. I think he probably has a lot of emotional turmoil inside and there's some comfort in going there and seeing her or visiting her. I also understand the perspective because I can imagine what it's like to, like, if I had met you and you had gone through this and then you were doing this, I can see her side. I can see his side. I understand like it's just, it's super messy, rough.

It's super rough road, but I don't think he's doing it out of spite. I think it's also very cool that she went and had the therapy to come to peace with it and be like, oh, I'd probably, you know, I'd be best friends with her. Yeah. That takes a big person to do that. Right. Because again, me as that person, that would be very hard to get to. I think the comments kind of just out of the blue, wild, but at the same time, you hit

your breaking point. So it's just very hard because he's probably going through some crazy shit still. I mean, I can't imagine. I think about like. It's been about 15 years since the passing. Right, which I get. The story feels very familiar to others, but I feel like if this happened, like if I lost you in that way, I would be the same way because at the same time you're trying to, you know,

move on so you can have somewhat of a normal life going forward, which I feel like the other person would want. And it's just hard. I feel like we see it in movies. I feel like this is a common thing where if you lose someone that way, it's hard to move on because you're still technically in love with them. Yeah. Never ended.

There was nothing to, there was nothing to crush that. Yeah. So you're sitting there trying to move on and yes, you can find someone and have feelings for them, but I just can't imagine that it's not even, you never move on past that person. It's not a breakup. It's not, but you're not, I don't think you're also, I don't think you're comparing. I think you're, you can love a second person and not move on, but move on with a different relationship, but I don't know how you come to terms with that and then not have it effect.

I, I, I don't know. Yeah. I just think it's really messy. I'm trying to put it all together. It's a lot. I think one thing I really have appreciated, like since starting this podcast as like the community and like getting so many other takes after we post these stories. So it kind of reminds me of the one where the wife threw away the spouses deceased

wives pictures because she couldn't handle that he loved someone before her. And this person's different. You know, they, they're the bigger person. They went to therapy. They tackled, you know, this insecurity. They've come to this, you know, conclusion, but a lot of people on that YouTube were like, this is why I'm a widow and I only was going to date widows. This is why my mom remarried and she only was, you know, going to marry someone that

was also a widow because there's then those two people understand that loss. And like, you're never going to feel insecure or jealous because you also went through that. So you know that person's feelings. However, life is life. You, you love who you love. And if you limited your dating pool at 36 to only widows, it might be very small or 26. He was 26 at the time or whatever. So the edit, I was going to say, a Redditor told me to put this in the post.

Three months ago, we found out that I am pregnant after eight years of trying. He has been visibly stressed out and reactive since the discovery, even though we both wished for a baby. That's very triggering. Yeah. I mean, it's very hard in her position. It just seems like he's not very settled. He's, he's in like so much conflict in his mind and is thinking that I think

the baby made it super real to him. Yeah. That's what made it seem like, okay, yep, she's gone. I'm with this person and it's really real. Yeah. Before it could be like, okay, this feels great. Yes, I'm moving on. I'm doing what you're supposed to do, quote unquote.

I mean, that's what you see in the movies. That's what you see everything. And, and honestly, that's what I guess you would want for your significant other, if this were to happen, you would want them to kind of move on, find happiness and live somewhat of a normal life and not be hooked, like stuck on you forever, that they live the rest of their life stuck on you, right. But he is truly stuck. And I think the baby highlighted that and put it in the forefront where he's

like, oh, shit. Yeah. I think it's definitely like probably bringing up so much like inner turmoil. Like you said, like he's stuck. He's processing this brought up a lot of shit for him because I can't imagine. Like again, I can't imagine losing you, but like if I were, it's like almost like when you start getting to a point where he was married to L, but L was sick. They were never going to have kids.

They were never going to grow old together. So once he's like at that same point with his wife now, he's like, well, God, I never had that with L. Yeah. But initially, like you don't know when, when they would have known necessarily. When she was sick. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, we don't know how long she was sick. It did sound like it was kind of a process. Like it sounded like it was more of a chronic or terminal illness. I'm not sure it doesn't sound like it was a tragic one. But at the start, you'd still want to, at the start, you're still, when you fall in love with someone enough to go in and say, let's get married list to all these things in your head, you're going to be like, Oh, I'd love to raise a family. I would love to do all these things.

Like it's like, unless they decided they didn't want kids though. They could have been like him and L could have been planning on living child free. I just don't know. Cause he, then why would it be so affected by specifically a kid specifically getting pregnant? And it's like, I think about it with you. I think when you're with someone and you're in a serious, serious relationship, you almost have like this bucket list of things in your head where it's like,

I have so many things I want to go do with you. I have so many places I want to take you. I have so many things I want to experience with you. Everything. Yeah. And then just to like, but specifics, like, of course, yes, in general, you meet someone and you get serious, you want to experience like whatever happens, but there's specific

things that happen. You're like, I can't wait to do X with you. I can't wait to take you here. I can't wait to show you this and that then is stripped. So I mean, that's, it's the biggest loss ever. It's, it's earth shattering. It's just, I can't imagine the baby is being very destructive in his mental health and his mind and his relationship in life.

Hi, Jan from Toyota speaking. Jan, I heard it's a good time to buy Toyota. Sure is. From now until April 4th, you can shop all your favorites like Corolla, RAV4, Sequoia and more. Imagine yourself in a new tundra where you stopped by the home improvement store and finally built that tree house. You promised your daughter.

Sarah, when did you hop on the call? Hi, dad. Mom said you were taking too long on the phone. Toyota, let's go places. See your participating Toyota dealer for details. Dealer inventory may vary. So for the update, hello everyone. My previous post was locked and removed, but I wanted to update everyone

who kindly commented and left advice under the post. Before the update, I wanted to clarify something. I was only jealous of L, the first year of our relationship. But as I said, I worked through it in therapy. Throughout my relationship with my husband, I've hosted dinners in her honor, ordered embellishments for her grave, pushed my husband to reconnect with his former in-laws, and I even placed her in my altar of Dia de Muertos alongside my family members.

I consider her a friend, even if I never met her. The update, we agreed on a temporary separation since we still don't know how we are going to co-parent and stuff like that. Shortly after my post, he came out of his office. I made us both dinner and we talk for what feels like the first time in months. First, I apologize for what I had said, but I told him that the point still stands. I then asked him if he truly goes and sits at her grave for hours. He said that he does not.

Turns out that he sits at her grave for an hour at max and then goes on a tour around the city, visiting their favorite places. He goes to restaurants and asks for her favorite dishes, drives around her favorite spots in the city. I then asked why? Why was he doing it now that we found out I was pregnant after so much trying? He said that he could not avoid thinking about what it would have been like to raise a child with L and about how many things he missed experiencing with her.

He did say that he did not regret our relationship, which makes it better, I guess. I also asked him if I failed him in any way. Was I a bad wife, a bad friend? Did I fail to fulfill his needs? He said that I just wasn't her. Honestly, I think I'd rather have someone punch me than him telling me that. Finally, I asked him when he is starting therapy.

He responded that very soon because he wanted to be a good father. I said, fine, because I don't want someone around my child who grieves an imaginary child and an imaginary life when he has a living and breathing family. That's all I think. He moved out to his parents' house the same night. His mother did call me to tell me that she and my father-in-law chewed him out for what he did. I thanked them and told them that I am still very interested in them having

a relationship with my child and they should not pay for their son's mistakes. I also visited L. I apologize for breaking my vow, but that I hope that she is able to watch over my husband and to help him through his therapy. I want to thank everyone who helped me realize my mistakes and how I was neglecting myself. You were all very helpful and I owe you a lot. Not the traditional happy ending.

I get we all would have wanted like a, he's realized that L is gone. We're together. We're very excited about the baby. But I think it's a happy ending in the sense that now it's all out in the open. He's going to go to therapy. He's going to work on himself and she's going to take better care of herself too. Because it sounds like she's been neglecting herself by dealing with all of this and being pregnant is fucking hard.

I don't think he's truly realized L is going though in the, in the truest sense because you wouldn't say you are, you're just not her because she is gone. And it's very, it's very unfair to tell someone that you're, you're unlike someone else that that was perfect in their eyes because you're two different people. But what I do think is at the same time, these two are taking very mature and calculated steps to end up with a happy, a happy ending, happy future. Yeah. And I don't think it's over for them.

No. And I think just there's going to be little jabs here and there. She hadn't, she had a little comment here. He had that comment there, but I think those are tiny little, those are like not tiny, but those are emotional outlets that are natural and very human, but they're both still at the same time. No one's throwing up their hands and saying, well, just go be with her. That are like, whatever, they're not ending it.

They're both taking steps to try and not only resolve this with a kid on the horizon, but resolve it for the two of them. It seems like going through this, and if they successfully can follow this path and get through this process, I think they can be very happy together. Cause yes, she will never be out, but L is no longer here. Yeah. And she's could be the right person for this time now. And he, through therapy and through time, can realize that and make that decision

for himself. She is a champ and I think she is a, she's a keeper for sure. Well, and I think with what you've kind of said too, you can't compare them at all. It's apples to oranges. They're two different people. And also like it's almost like two separate lives, like your life that for this guy, the life that he had with L, it's a different life.

Yes, it's cut short. It's not probably the life he would have anticipated or maybe even wanted for himself, but that future doesn't exist anymore. That future as sad as it is, is stomped out, gone, eradicated. And so like OP said, like, I don't want someone that's mourning an imaginary life and an imaginary child because that doesn't exist anymore. His life is with this person. He's been with them for 10 years.

There's no other future, but either with this person or without them and co-parenting. Well, and she's been more than accepting, more than reasonable, more than she even goes as far as to almost have a personal relationship with L. Putting someone on your altar for Dia de los Muertos, like that is literally, and I'm so sorry if I fucking butchered that, but Pond de Muertos is like my favorite fucking food. I'm just going to say that right now. So if anyone's got good recipes, throw it my way.

Besides the fucking point, but like to put someone on your altar next to family members, that's big. Well, that shows her, that's representative of her love for this guy. Yes. Yes. And how much she wants to help them through this and then be a great partner for him going forward. Yeah.

Yeah, I, I have a feeling like based on the comment too of him being like, you're just not her. He's idolized her in probably a lot of regards. Like he, I think we kind of all do that too, where like, if we lose something and it's not by choice, it's always those rose colored glasses, the, the what if and even if it's like that one thing you forgot about on your shelf as soon as it's gone, it was your prized possession. Yes.

And even bad relationships. Like I look at just bad, bad, bad relationships. And after the breakup being like, oh my God, but we had so much fun together. Well, you only think about the good times. Yeah. And when it ends and death is one of those things that is very, very hard because. There might not have been any bad times. It just ends.

It's just gone. It's just gone. But I think even if you do have bad times with someone and they die, it's just the ultimate like, well, fuck, I still could have had good time. It's just like death is hard. Death is so, so, so hard. So this is the ultimate like, this is tough. This is so tough.

But it seems like they're taking the steps to get to a happy place. Yes. I agree with that. I think, I think they're giving themselves the chance at a future. I think him going to his parents' house might be a reality check for him. It might be the, the check that he needs. But it's better than saying, I can't do this anymore and leaving. Yeah.

It's, it's actually a step to say, Hey, I care about this. I care about you. I care about this future with you and our child. Exactly. And so I'm, I need this space to figure it out. Yeah. And I think moving back home with your parents and not having your wife of 10 years and not giving, not getting to be there during those exciting pregnancy

moments when the baby first kicks and, you know, all of this other, you know, milestones, it's, I think it's going to be an awakening for him. And hopefully a realization that his love for Elle was real, but she is no longer you know, with him there. And it doesn't mean you have to erase that person. It doesn't mean you have to give up that person and never acknowledge them and close them off. Like his wife has done nothing but be gracious and work on herself to

accommodate that. So hopefully this will be the wake up call he needs. Otherwise she has now realized by the sounds of the update that she deserves better. She knows that now. Yeah. And so, you know, she's going to take care of herself and worst case, worst case, which I don't think is the worst case.

Like she's going to co-parent with him and they're going to be two equally great parents and she's going to find someone that puts her first and not a ghost, but I think this is like a happy ending in the sense where I do. I don't think they're done. I've been saying, I don't think they're done. I think living at mom and dad's house is going to be an awakening for him and have him really realize what he has. Because once she's gone too, like L is gone, gone, gone, but then once OP is

gone, he's going to be like, wait, wow, I did have it really great. I do love my wife. Wow. Like he's probably gotten too comfortable and too complacent. It'll be okay. Okay. On to the next. Let me grab my trusty computer.

Where'd that come from? I don't know the fucking tequila. It's like we're on David Copperfield. Oh my God, imagine. So up next, proposals, proposals, proposals. Does that scare you? Does that make you nervous? No, I see it on Instagram every goddamn day.

Oh my gosh. Same. And I hear it from my mother every day. When are you and Justin getting married? Yeah, I hear it from her too. We get it at all angles, all angles. It's like the first thing instead of being like, hey, how are you guys? It's like, when are you getting married?

When are you proposing to my dad? Yeah, so we know about the pressure to get married. Hi, Jan from Toyota speaking. Jan, I heard it's a good time to buy a Toyota. Sure is. From now until April 4th, you can shop all your favorites, like Corolla, RAV4, Sequoia, and more. Imagine yourself in a new tundra where you stopped by the home improvement store and finally built that treehouse you promised your daughter.

Sarah, when did you hop on the call? Hi, dad. Mom said you were taking too long on the phone. Toyota, let's go places. See your participating Toyota dealer for details. Dealer inventory may vary. My girlfriend, 25 female, repeatedly insists that I redo my proposal over and over. I'm running out of patience.

I'm with it. I, 24 male, proposed to my girlfriend, 25 female in late 2019 after two years together. Admittedly, now that I think back on it, it wasn't the most well thought out or planned proposal. It was mostly spontaneous and came as we were lying in bed together. So I didn't even have a ring at the time. At the time, my girlfriend said that she would love to marry me, but she had been looking forward to a more elaborate proposal.

I assured her that I'd sort something out. A month later, after shopping for the perfect ring, I set up some candles when she was coming home one day. Think the Chandler Monica proposal in Friends and asked her again. Well, my girlfriend loved the ring, thankfully, and teared up with happiness. She said that she really appreciated my effort, but what she meant by elaborate was something original that she could tell our kids about one day. She mentioned the name of one of her friends, whose boyfriend we both know proposed

by making a huge video montage of their time together and putting it on a projector. I decided to start over. And in February, I planned a three night trip away in our favorite city. This time I spared no expense and ordered all the extras, a five star hotel, a photographer, an opera quartet. When I asked her to marry me, my girlfriend said yes, and I thought all was well. Except when we were alone again, she gently told me that she didn't think now was the right time.

Of course. And she was so worried about her future slash COVID-19. And that a proposal now wouldn't be a good memory for her. Since then, I've carried the ring around with me almost everywhere. At this point, I've even tried to involve my girlfriend in some of the proposal planning, asking where, when, how she'd like us to get engaged and what would make her happy. However, all she has told me is that she doesn't know exactly what she's looking for. And I'll know when the right proposal comes.

OK. From my perspective, this is hugely frustrating. Since in all other respects, she's assured me she wants us to begin our lives together. Last week, I thought I'd bite the bullet again. And after cooking her a homemade meal, I asked her if she'd like to be my wife. She asked me if I was trying to propose. And I asked her, what was wrong with that? Once more, she told me that she can't wait to marry me,

but it still wasn't quite the proposal she needed. Honestly, at this point, I'm frustrated. I realized that my girlfriend might come off as pushy or high maintenance in this post, but I love her very much. And in day-to-day life, she's honestly the most understanding, chill person to be around. However, I don't understand why she's acting this way, and what I'm supposed to do to satisfy her with the perfect proposal at this point. I'm confused and running out of patience.

How do I deal with this? Okay, does she want to get married? Can she not wait? I don't know. First of all, I'm on her side, okay? I'm on her side at the beginning. First proposal in bed, dumb. Then you come back and try to redo it and be like,

candles and shit at the house, dumb. Chandler Monica, I don't care, dumb. Fuck you, Monica. Friends, no. Unless that's your thing. Okay, yeah. Our thing is we love to go home and like candles and sit in room. Like, no, that's not a cool proposal.

Come on. Maybe in some super special circumstance, dumb. Then your boy goes out. He puts together the perfect trip, spares no expense. Does it? Yes, I think at some point you can overdo it and have it two-staged where it's like, okay, no, you didn't, the picture wasn't right. Go back and sit, like, get on your knee again, like, no, that's dumb too.

But if you put it all together, special trip, did it in a meaningful place and made it right, and then she says, yes, there you go. Done. Proposal done. Then it's just like, not the right time. No, there's not, there's not a not, okay. Oh, there's a, there's a, there's definitely not right time. I can't wait to marry you.

I cannot wait to get to that step. She's sending, she's definitely sending very mixed signals. Very. Yeah. So I don't know if she does because you get the perfect proposal and then it's just kind of like, not the right timing. It's just not right. Come on.

Come on. I have a hard time with proposals though that are so, so, so public and like put on like that. Like I want, personally, I would like something very, very intimate, just nice, special, beautiful, but I don't want an entourage looking on. I think that's a lot of pressure and that's probably why she said yes. Right, it's like doing it in the middle of a restaurant or some shit. Yeah. Like I saw a TikTok of a girl getting proposed to in the center of Times Square and you're kind of like, and you're just cringing on the inside.

And she was literally like, because you have to play the part. There's so many people there. This girl was a baddie and she walked away in, in the center of Times Square. And it's like, don't propose in a public space where people feel pressure to say yes. One time square, dumb, that's dumb. No, Times Square would be really. What's the meaning of Times Square besides a place that everyone goes when they go to New York, which I don't understand.

When you lived there, it's different for you. Times Square, Times Square is incredible for millions of people. Just a bunch of billboards, advertisements. But it's a big metropolitan area. I get that. I get it. It's so special. I love Times Square. I think Times Square is really cool. I'm not hating on Times Square for itself.

I'm hating on Times Square for proposals. Come on. But for some people, it might be magical. Just read the room. That's like going to Minnesota and going to the biggest ball of yarn or whatever the dumb thing is and being like, I'm going to propose here because it's a cool place. But for someone, that might be it. Well, if your relationship was founded on yarn.

I'm just saying, like read the room. Like clearly this guy is not reading the room. He's not getting what his girlfriend wants. And it's not the right time. It's blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm getting frustrated. Fucking talk to her. Yeah.

But then it becomes less fun because it's like, oh, let's plan at 2pm on this Saturday. We're going to go to this place and right when we get to the top. Some people hate surprises and have anxiety, Justin. But at some point, there's got to be some sort of like, oh my God. Yes, like, yes, this is happening. That's not going to happen if it's like, let's plan out all the steps. That's like some Kardashian shit. Well, I think at this point, after the four-string opera, whatever,

string quartet, I would have been like, you know what, babe? That was a little showy. That is very showy. I still, like I want to intimate, but I want a photographer in the bushes. Just so you know. But I do think after that, I would have said, you know what? I love you. I've made my intentions very clear, very clear.

I don't know how I could make them more crystal for you. So now it is your turn. I've proposed to you three times, two of them somewhat shitty, one great one. I don't know if anyone actually opens up their mind to that possibility though. The girl proposing? Yeah. Oh no, it's a thing. No, I definitely know it's a thing.

I've seen it, but I don't know in this guy's mind if he's clueless about what she wants. There's no way he's going to be like, uh, true. You do it. He is pretty clueless, but that's where I would draw the line. I'd be like, you know what, third time was the charm for me, sweetie. Yeah. It is your turn now. I'd feel like that too.

Yeah. I'd be like, well, okay, what now? Yeah. Funny proposal story now that you all have met my family, my brother and his wife, Amy. Amy kind of gave Matt an ultimatum. They had been dating for 10 years. I'm sure he'll correct me on that. Nine years they were dating and Amy was kind of like, okay, buddy, like now or never, like

shit or get off the pot. And so Amy was like, if you don't propose by this date, I'm going to propose to you. And so Matt ended up proposing. Same thing. Like Amy was like about to be like, you know what? I'm over this. Like we've been together nine years, like let's go buddy. So, and it's a thing.

Like apparently it's a tradition. If you are a girl and want to propose, you should propose on leap year. When's leap year? Every four years, right? But we just had one. Well, you got to wait then. All right. So we're good.

Fuck. Okay. So some comments on the original. No, she doesn't get to make you jump through these bullshit hoops to get to her perfect proposal. I get one in an actual proposal after the spontaneous casual first one, but the second one should have been it. Candles? No.

No. Unless it's your thing. At this point, I would tell her that you have proposed as many times as you plan to propose and either she wants to marry you. You plan to propose once. Or she doesn't. If she wants another proposal, she can either propose to you or she can find someone else to marry.

If you keep doing this, your entire life will be filled with never being satisfied with anything you do. True. Someone else goes exactly right. I'm frustrated reading this. I'd easily tell her it's her turn to propose since she's down zero to four and then keep telling her to redo it. I understand that getting engaged is huge,

but it's also about who you're marrying, not about how they propose. If she's not happy with it, then maybe ask her straight up what the real deal behind it is because it just sounds unreasonable to me. Talk to your partner people. If you are clearly disconnecting, sit your fucking asses down and talk it out. Yes, but with a proposal, I get after this many times, but initially with a proposal.

The first one was shit though. You don't have a ring. No. Don't propose without a ring. I already said, don't. Unless you're in a life or death situation, like you're skydiving and your parachute won't open, you're on a plane, your engine's going down,

make your intentions clear. If shit like that happens, but if you don't have a ring, don't propose. And I get, no, no, no, but let me add this. Some people don't like rings. Not everyone wants a wedding ring. Some people do bracelets and necklaces, but have some sort of token. I don't even care if it's a fucking flower. Yeah.

Do something. I mean, you see in the TV shows, we just saw the other day and the person's like, they're in just a really emotional moment. They're just like, marry me, marry me. It's like, all right, cool. That ain't real life, but maybe for some people that happens. Sure. What show is this?

Oh, John B. Outer bags. That might be right for certain people in certain moments, but I'm talking about what I see. I'm talking about what my friends have done. I'm talking about my experience in my life. Yeah. I'm not going to lay in bed, turn over one day and be like,

will you marry me? Like that's dumb. Okay. I'd say no. Right. Because it's dumb. So I think there needs to be an element of effort. And I think at the same time, from a guy's perspective,

it's not necessarily a surprise. I think when you get to the point with someone where you're going to propose, I think there's some kind of understanding a little bit that, yes, we want to get married. When you get to that point of proposal, you kind of know that you both want to get married. Otherwise, it's a little awkward if you're just going to be like, marry me out of the blue, but at the same time, the proposal itself,

I just personally would never want it to be so meticulously planned out together. I want it to be somewhat of like, I don't know, I just hate, it's like the same shit with gifts where it's like, I want to pick everything I'm getting. But at the same time, it's really nice to surprise someone. And it doesn't have to be a full surprise because you can know exactly what they want. But at the same time, you're not going to be like, I'm getting you this. So it's nice a little bit to be like, yes, we're on a mutual understanding.

We want to get married. I would love for you to propose. But not to the point where it's like, you know exactly when, where, how, that just takes all the fun out of it, I think. Yeah, for some. I don't know. I just have a lot of anxiety. I, I hate, hate, hate, not knowing what I'm getting for presents.

And like, I want to plan you a surprise party. Please don't, please, please don't. So for the update, thank you to everybody for your advice. I actually wrote this post yesterday, but it was too soon to post an update. There are a lot of people calling my girlfriend a future bridezilla. And while my post may have made her seem demanding, I just like to clarify that she really is my best friend and a great person. There's no chance of us breaking up.

Saying that, after thinking a lot about the responses I received, I decided to sit my girlfriend down and draw a line in the sand. I told her that after four proposals, I'm lost and confused as to what she wants. And if she has a dream proposal in mind, she has to tell me exactly what she wants so I can make this work. My girlfriend looked somewhat nervous at that, so I pushed her to communicate properly. She apologized again for not accepting my proposal earlier,

but said that in 2019, she was still testing out our relationship. And so when I asked her to marry me, she said, try again, rather than yes, in the hope that I'd wait longer. From her perspective, while she had responded positively to the idea of marriage prior to this, it had still been too soon for a real engagement. I will admit that I'm not the best at reading social subtext if it's not stated directly,

so I could have missed the implication when she asked for a different proposal. When I later asked her in February, she knew I was the one but was telling the truth about being too anxious to consider marriage. She actually confessed that she's planning on proposing to me later this year, sometime around when we were planning to fly to my home country. She had been trying to keep it a surprise,

but we've now agreed that it's better we're both on the same page when it comes to proposing. We've decided that we're both going to sit down and work together to make the proposal special for both of us. Okay, fine. That's fine. All of that should have been in the original post. Like just trying to stir up drama and all this shit, but...

Happy ending, though. Happy ending, but super boring. Sorry, just terribly boring. You're throwing me under the fucking bus. No, it's just like we're going to plan it out, and it's exactly what I was talking about earlier. Like that's boring. There's no element of just excitement

and not surprise is the wrong word, but just... Are you talking about me picking the story or about them? This situation. For them. Okay, good. Okay. Yeah, no, no, no. The end result, though it's happy, is boring.

I think to each their own. They got to do what they got to do, but... That's fine, but just... I think they're just like this story is the perfect example of like if your communication isn't great in your relationship, take little chances and opportunities to make it better. Whether that's through couples therapy and just working on communication,

communication workshops, online videos that help better communication. This could have been avoided with just talking to your partner after the first one. If she would have been honest with him after the first one, and been like, you know what, I love you, I see a future with you, I see us getting married, but this is just a little too fast for me.

Yeah, it was too early. It was too soon. She could have avoided three other fucking proposals if she just would have said that. Communicate with your partners. That's what this one comes down to. It's also hard though, because it's not that easy with these types of situations to communicate that clearly.

Yeah, because proposals are supposed to be surprises. Well, and they're just supposed to be... I just feel like they're not supposed to be so meticulously planned, but it just seems like in her position at that time, you wouldn't, and at his position in that time, you wouldn't. It just doesn't feel like you would. It feels like if that happened on the first one in a guy's mind, you're like, all right, we're going to try again.

We're going to do this. We're going to go with this plan. And in her mind, you wouldn't be like, all right, yo, I'm going to propose. It's my turn after the first... I don't know. It just seems like the time doesn't line up. And then obviously now at this point,

they're to that level of communication. But early on, it just seems... Finally, after four fucking proposals... I know, but I don't know. I just see why. I can kind of see why it ended up going where it did. Yeah, but it didn't need to. Like life does not need to be this hard and complicated.

And talking to partners can be very difficult in stressful situations like this. And to the point where proposals are supposed to be a surprise, like, okay, but after the first proposal, if you get one and you're not ready, then clearly tell your partner, I'm not ready. Don't let this person keep going time and time again. Well, she kind of said, try again.

She said, try again. Not, I'm not ready. There's a difference. So in his mind, he's like, oh, well, this just wasn't it. Yeah, I fucked up. I proposed in bed. Right. I should have put candles out.

Clearly. Oh, what do you say? Like, I will admit, I'm not the best at reading social subtext. Get it. Everyone's on their own, you know, wavelength of like social cues and common sense and all that fucking jazz. So I get it and reading people's inner messages is hard. And I will say, I don't think this girl was sending any signals.

Like, I don't think he was bad at reading a social subtext because I don't think she was giving any fucking cues, clues, anything. Like, she fucked up. She should have said, I'm not ready. Yeah. So happy ending. They'll now have a nice proposal that they plan together. I want pictures.

I'm very frustrated by them. I'm very happy they figured it out and sorted it at the end of the day. But just talk to your fucking partner. I think that's one thing I always like, I kind of think about where I'm like, if you can let someone put a dick inside you or peg you or use toys on you, you should be able to openly communicate with them. Very graphic. I have to be inclusive.

Yeah, but those things aren't exclusive to relationships. Not everyone has physical intimacy. I don't know. I guess I can walk that back. But I just think if you've been in a long-term committed relationship with someone, you should be able to communicate with them in this regard. Yes, that makes more sense. Yeah.

So this one. This one is very intense and I had multiple people send it to me. So I would just say that. Am I the asshole for straightening my daughter's hair without my wife's permission? I, male 32, have a four-year-old daughter. Let's call her Gracie. Gracie is half black, her mother, female 31, being African American. Her mother overall handled all of Gracie's hair care and taught me how to do simple styles,

but even those simple styles were difficult. My wife ended up going on vacation with her friends to celebrate her friend's birthday and my mother came over to visit. I hadn't done Gracie's hair in a few days, so it became nappy and unmanageable. When I tried to comb her hair, the comb broke. My mother said that I should get my daughter a perm, so her hair would be more manageable. So I took her to a salon and got it permed. My wife got home and when she saw our daughter, she was livid.

She screamed at me and then at my mother for even suggesting that, but I think she was overreacting because it's just hair. Then she brought up our wedding. My mother had tried to get my wife to straighten her hair for the wedding, but my wife refused because she wanted her natural hair on her wedding day so she could be as natural as possible. My mother often comments on my wife's and daughter's hair and I agree with my mother, but now my wife's telling me that perms chemically burn and damage hair to change the texture

and that I damaged our daughter's hair. Now she's thinking of getting our daughter's hair cut so her hair can heal from the damages, but I still think she's overreacting. Besides, I don't want my daughter's hair to be cut. She looks so cute now. Am I the asshole for straightening my daughter's hair without my wife's permission, even though Gracie is my daughter too? I first want to preface this.

We are two white individuals. I do not even feel qualified to talk about all of the cultural context and significance behind black African-American or mixed individuals and their hair, and I cannot imagine the struggle, the heartbreak, the everything that individuals with hair like this, textured hair, natural hair have gone through. It was sent in by so many people and it is a story and I will do my best to give my take on this and you as well, your counsel. That being said, let's get into it.

So my thoughts are, I think no matter race or anything, just human, hair is a very significant defining feature of a person. Yes. And I think it is often a, I think it's a way of... It's their, it's people's identities. I think also too, hair is something, it's one of the only things that you can actually physically change and you can adapt throughout your lifestyle and things that you experience throughout life, but in this instance, regardless of race or culture, even if it was our kid,

I don't think I'd go and make a big change about them like their hair without at least talking to you. I feel like that's a mutual decision, but especially in this context, I feel like there's no way you go and make a decision about this when clearly there's someone else who would, that at least you should consult. Yeah, and would probably be way, way, way, way better equipped to handle it because based on him like saying, her mother overall handled all of Gracie's hair care and taught me how to do simple styles, but even those simple, and he literally quotes it, quote, simple styles were difficult.

Right. He is the most unqualified fucking person to make a decision on his daughter's hair. He's white. He has white hair. He's, he can't, he's unequipped. He can't even handle the simple styles. Yeah, and like changes in hair is a big deal, especially when you're making them on people that are not yourself. Yeah. Yeah. When it's, when it's you and you have that autonomy, go do whatever the fuck you want. 100%.

But, and like, I don't know if he mentions the age of his daughter, like she's young, like don't make decisions like that for a little girl. Team, team effort, especially with the mom, that's the one that's doing their hair. And this is something that really, really irks me. And at the same time, I love when parents take the initiative. If you are white from my perspective, if you are white and have a child with a black individual, an African American individual, or some other, you know, ethnicity that has more ethnic hair, it is your job as that child's parent to figure out how to do their hair.

Him saying, oh, I can't do their hair. I can't do her hair. The simple styles are too difficult. Yeah. That's fucked up. You are dropping the ball as that little person's parent. That's on you as a parent. And it goes in any way. If you're a mom, you should learn how to do your child's hair. And there are so many great resources on YouTube. You can go to a salon and offer, you know, women that have the same hair in a barbershopper,

a salon to teach you. There's courses in some cities that I've seen. Like it is on your job as a parent to learn how to do that child's hair, your child's hair. So for him to be like, no, I can't do the simple ones. Fuck you. And then to go do this without the mom's permission. Big fuck you. Yeah. From some, under the instruction of someone else who probably even knows less. And this is where there are so, so many. I know like some people are going to be like, what's not, it's not racism. It's not about race. No, it kind of is. Like if you're changing someone's natural hair to fit more of a white

standard or a white beauty standard to straighten someone's natural curly hair, there could be some subconscious racism there. And it's not again, like this is why I prefaced it. Like I do feel very unqualified to even talk about this, but there's a lot to be said about that and the reason behind straightening it and the reason why he said, oh, I don't want to cut her hair now because it looks so cute. Yeah. Natural hair is beautiful. Yeah. That was an interesting comment. Yeah. And I love that a lot of black women in America and this country and just from what I've seen are kind of taking power back and wearing box braids in the workplace and doing stuff like that

because that's their hair. That's the way they want to style it. And that's for black women, that's a protective hairstyle and it's not unprofessional. So I cannot wait to see the changes that we make going forward and addressing stuff like this, but yeah, fuck this dude. So top comment on this one that has 12,000 upvotes. Your daughter is half black. You're married to a black person and you use the words nappy and unmanageable. Besides that, you sound like you haven't learned how to care for your daughter's hair, nor tried to learn how to care for curly slash coily hair. Not to mention, it sounds like you haven't learned to respect your wife's boundaries. You're the asshole. Go watch a couple of videos

on curly hair and stop listening to your mom. Yep. Next comment. No black person would straighten their child's hair at such a young age. It's just not done. And for your info, hair isn't just hair in the black community. Furthermore, you knew your wife was again straightening your daughter's hair. Did you ever ask her why? You were absolutely wrong. Educate yourself and then apologize to your wife and daughter. You're the asshole. If he ever even realizes. He should have known from the minute that they had conflict during their wedding, when his mom was like, straighten your hair. You should straighten your hair for your wedding. And his wife wanted to be natural and curly. And from that moment on, it should have been like, oh, like, I wonder why.

Come on. Just scrolling through some of the comments because they are very, very good on this post. I'll be sure to link it. The comments should for sure still be there even if it gets deleted. Someone goes, children's hair in general also tends to be more susceptible to damage. I got a curly perm as a kid. White girl with completely straight, stroth in hair. It was down to my butt before. It had to be cut to my shoulders after. Cosmetologist here. I have refused chemical services on anyone under 13. It doesn't matter if they have booked an hour or more of my time. I've always tried to explain why it is not a good idea. If the little one is super insistent, slash bratty, I speak with the parent away from

them. And most of the time, pretty much always forced them to act as the parent, not as a friend. Any service between 13 and 15 is to enhance. Never changed dramatically. I'm speechless. Dad, grandma, and stylist, just awful. So onto the updates. This guy got roasted in the comment. There's thousands of comments kind of laying it out, telling him where he fucked up and rightfully so. I've read the comments and came to the realization about my marriage and my wife. And now I just feel horrible. My wife mentioned in passing about her childhood and was always vague about it. But after hearing a conversation between her and my mother-in-law, I just realized how much I truly messed up. My wife is dark-skinned and tall. And she got bullied for that along with

her hair. She went to a predominantly white school in Bogalusa, hopefully. And that made her hate herself and her looks for a while. My god, my wording was horrible too. My wife is beautiful. And so is my daughter. And their hair isn't a problem. I'm the problem. And so is my mother. After hearing my wife's conversations about me and my mother, I realized that my mother's a bully and I'm just a drone slash follower. My mother constantly picked on my wife and I just stood by and blindly agreed because she's my mom. But that woman who I married to is my wife. And I should have protected her from my own ignorance and my mother's ignorance. I took something she took pride in and belittled it. I was too lazy to learn and took my mother's advice. Hell,

my mother said so many cruel things that I didn't think twice of until reading these comments. She'd always make sure my daughter didn't play outside when she'd go over her house because she didn't want her to be darker, like her mother. And that comment made me uncomfortable, but I took it as a weird joke. I'm cutting my mother off and I'm going to apologize to my wife and daughter and start watching hair tutorials again. I'm also going to sign up for a hair braiding class when the pandemic has slowed. God, I'm a horrible husband and father. When my wife is willing to talk to me, I won't force her. I'll apologize. And if she wants to leave me over this, it'll hurt like hell, but I'll understand. I've just pushed her to the sidelines for so long

and couldn't even see it. I am the asshole, the biggest asshole here. There's way more edits and it goes on, which I will get to, but first edit, wow. Like, wow, big realization. That's why Reddit's a beautiful thing. I know. I mean, that's what you'd hope to come from after like a significant time in therapy is you'd hope for someone to come to this type of realization, but, and it's honestly pretty great that he went to Reddit, made the post and then cared so much about the responses because I think we've seen people that go that post these stories and they get the feedback that they're not wanting and they're just still ignorant to it. And they delete it. Oh yeah. You're just, nobody knows. Everyone's just against me for someone to take that

and actually really understand it and really make a change is very cool. I agree. I think he whole heartedly went into this being like, I'm not in the wrong. Like she's overreacting. Haha. It's just hair. So the fact he's updating people still, multiple edits and then just delete, crazy. So edit number two. I just got off the phone with my mother. My wife listened in on the call. I didn't realize she was in the living room with me until she put her hand on my shoulder during the call. My mother is well, livid. She freaked out on me and threatened to call CPS when I told her I didn't want her coming around my wife and daughter and refused to even try to understand what we did wrong. CPS. Then I mentioned the damage that the perm could cause to my daughter.

I read a small article by a black owned haircare company about childhood perm horror stories, along with the history behind perms. And I'm just disgusted with myself and my mother. And my mother said my wife was being a drama queen. When I told her my daughter might need a haircut, we flipped out and said, quote, I won't let my granddaughter looked like a bull dike. And I was mortified. She said she'd take my daughter from me and my wife and raise her the way God intended. That caused a screaming match. My wife put her hand on my shoulder in the midst of it and took the phone from me and told my mother if she comes to our home again, the police will be called. And then she hung up. I put her baby to bed and then we talked.

My daughter and wife are beautiful and I don't understand how for the life of me, I thought those horrible things. Maybe it was like that SNL sketch, diet, racism, carrying those things from your parent and just blindly listening no matter how horrible it sounds. My wife is still mad at me, rightfully so. But she told me she isn't leaving me over this. She said I have a lot to learn and that if I want this relationship to last, I need to open my eyes and realize that the world I live in is different from the one she lives in. And that different from the world our daughter lives in. Yep. I'm horrified at myself and horrified at my mother.

My father called a few moments ago but I ignored the call. I'll talk to him in the morning about this. Thank you all for talking some sense into me and I thank my wife for staying with me even though she doesn't have to. Tomorrow we are asking our baby girl if she wants a haircut. Knowing her, she'll want to get one like her uncle. He has these cool designs shaved into his head. If she wants that, she can have that. She's my world and I refuse to ever be this ignorant and harmful to her again. Final edit. My wife and I arranged for our daughter to spend the night at my mother-in-law's house and couples therapy will be in the near future. The comments section have certainly given me many perspectives of how horrible my words and actions were. I won't be doing any more replies

or edits because this is a throwaway account. I think that's the right term for this. My mother is called the house multiple times from my sister's phone. My sister is 25 and lives for drama, so now the whole family is on my mother's side and is blowing at my phone with many mixed opinions, most of which are horrible. It's funny. The only family member whose opinion reflects this comment section's common consensus is the one who was disowned a few months ago. Well, actually that's not funny. It shows how messed up my family is. Thank you all for the replies. No matter how harsh or mean they might seem, I needed this. That's awesome. It is. It really is. To have both parents now be on the same side and realized that his family is very racist and to now be an ally and

willing to learn is amazing. Truly, thank God for Reddit and this comment section because they worked wonders. Yeah, I think it's amazing. I think I've always been the most inspired by people who are the truest to themselves no matter what that is. The people that are just passionate and just that just are who they are no matter what. No matter what the situation is, they are themselves. They're never changing to appease others. They're never trying to fit in because of certain things. They're just true to themselves and it's so infectious and it's just so inspiring to me. Yeah. I love the fact that this child is now at the age where they can start to make those decisions and they can start to have that power over themselves to say, yeah, I want to go get

this kind of haircut. I want to go do this. Yeah. I just love that. I think that's so cool and I think that'd be so cool as a parent regardless of race or any of the situations. I just think those situations are very cool. It's very fun. I just love Reddit in this post. Yeah. I too, like thinking about this little girl's experience too, she was probably so scared and this is probably like getting her hair chemically treated. It's not like an easy, you're in and out 15 minute, 20 minute cut. This is a long process of sitting there under a dryer rinsing. I must have been, honestly, if you've never gone through it and then you're going through it with your dad who doesn't do your hair. Yeah. It was probably a really traumatic situation for her. So to then

have that autonomy to do the designs, like her uncle, it's making the best out of such a bad situation. So I think it's really great. It's hard to find comments about the updates because it was all one thread. It's all one post. So all the, you know, the upvotes are typically the ones I got posted right away. But amazing revelation. I'm glad he's standing up for his wife and his, you know, his kiddo because this could be very, very dark if he wasn't, you know, this type of person to admit your mistake. That's no easy thing to do. It's not easy to say, I fucked up. Well, yes, that, but also to say, all of these people in my family are wrong. And then you have your family, like your close, your mom, your wife and daughter family.

It's hard to say all these people are wrong, but to actually realize what is truly right and take a stand against the majority and stand up for you and the, you know, your people. Yeah. To stand up for your wife and kid against all of the rest of your family is really powerful. Yeah. I think it's really, really cool. It's amazing. There's also a comment I want to highlight, like as I'm scrolling, and I think there's a typo, so I'll correct it as I think they mean it, but learning to care for black hair isn't hard. And since he's a father, he should have already learned or researched hair care tips, especially if she's over the age of four and older, like we've said, neglectful. But like, that's not something I've researched, like how to actually

care for black hair. But I think that's also something to point out, like this person based on their emoji, like is a black individual. And so like that being said, it's not hard. And even if it was hard, he should have learned it for his kid and recognized and recognized that it's his job as a parent. So like, I guess it's like overall in this whole conversation, like I don't want to make it seem like black hair care is like daunting and hard and unattainable, like for a white individual. Like it is not. Right. And even if he sees it that way, still, even if it seems difficult to go fucking learn it, it's your kid. Yeah. And this person comments back 100%. I started learning the second my husband and I decided to try for kids. Try for kids. Yeah. Not even get

pregnant. Not even have kids. Try for kids. Yes. That is something that if you are in a relationship with a partner of a different ethnicity, you should be doing that. Like open your eyes to what a future looks like. If you're childless, you want to remain childless. I guess a different story, but maybe look into why you don't give a shit still. I don't know. Well, in this guy, once after hearing the entire story, it almost seems like he wasn't ill intended. He was just uninformed and he just was so close-minded to these ideas. If he grew up this way and had this whole ideology, his whole life, then I don't know. No, I think like, I get, yeah, I get where you're going. I think it's hard because

if you look at people, we're getting very on the realm of racism and again, I'm undereducated in this and I've been really trying to do my part and learn and be an ally and learn more, but I think when you have a family who's white, he's grown up in this. He's grown up with these clearly a racist mom. And so it's like, he probably did have his head in the sand until this realization that made him realize, wow, I do have these biases. I am bigoted. I fucked up. I was neglecting my wife and I was doing this and I look at, I have some family members that are not woke, are not on the right side of things. And I think, last, God, I'm getting confused in my COVID years. I don't know if I'm going to go there, but I think when you grow up in a family

like this, you know, racism is taught. Racism is learned to behavior. Kids aren't born racist. Yeah. And sometimes it's almost subconscious. I think it's just like, when it's that embedded and ingrained in you and I just think just seeing his turn, just seeing the flip after he saw the comments shows that he wasn't innately against it or just honestly, he might not even thought in the moment that it was wrong because he doesn't seem like he's ill intended. It just seems like he lacked the awareness and he just didn't open his eyes and think. He's grown up in a very sheltered racist world, which is crazy to me because, and this is why there's the saying, you can have black

friends and still be racist. You can marry a black individual and still be racist because this is the perfect example. Like he had deeply rooted thoughts, biases, opinions, and he is now going to go forward and make them right and happy ending. But there's a lot to be said on this one. I would love to hear from, you know, the community, our community, Two Hot Takes community, when this one goes live because I, like I've said, do not feel qualified to really give that many takes on this one. And I would love to hear from you guys. I think this is one that we can truly have a great conversation on YouTube. But that's all I got for you. I know it's a short episode,

I'm sorry, but we got big things coming. Just kidding, we're back. Justin and I could not leave you hanging. We realized it was going to be a short, short episode unless we continued. And so we came back. He pressured me. This is all thanks to him, to be completely honest. And we switched sides. And we switched sides, which I don't think this is my good side. Right? I don't think you have a bad side. So I have a good side. Which is what? Being over there. Oh, you gave me your good side. Back to rough road, happy ending. Let's go. Let's do it. Walk the dogs, school drop off, meetings from 10 to three, take kids to soccer, then no time left for a jog.

When everyone else is relying on you, it's easy to put your needs last. BetterHelp connects you with a licensed therapist online so you can show up for yourself the way you do for others. Find more balance with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. That's better, H-E-L-P.com. Would I be the asshole by not telling a guy I've been dating for a month that I'm having artificial insemination to be a single mother? Well, okay. Prior to lockdown, I decided to be a single mother by choice. The journey to accepting this has taken two years and included counseling and a very thorough plan to ensure I could do this alone.

I was happy with my decision and I was at a good place in life where I realized my desire to be a mother was stronger than looking for a partner, which may or may not happen. And with my fertility declining, I chose to go down the path as a solo woman. Right before I was due to have artificial insemination with sperm donor, the pandemic hit and treatments were canceled. There was no timeline for when things may reopen. For a few days, I was devastated as I was so mentally prepared for this and then I picked myself up and decided to park my plan. After all, I didn't have a choice. I downloaded a data app out of curiosity and figured that I could still chat to guys and see what happened

without any expectation really. I've been talking with a guy, let's call him G, and it's only been a month or so. So very early stage. However, we've met up twice with a third meeting planned, spoken many times on the phone, and I get a really good feeling from him. For the first time in years, quite frankly, I feel emotionally connected with a man and it feels completely natural and promising. During this time, my clinic called me to say they've had approval to open and do I wish to go ahead this month with my treatment? I want to be a mother more than ever. So I said yes. And I'm now on medication with my appointment set for next week. While there's no guarantee I'll get pregnant on the first go, I have a conflict in my mind about

informing G of my plan. On the one hand, it's at such an early stage of our romance without yet being anything committed that I feel like I'm bringing something up prematurely. On the other hand, I wonder what may happen as time goes on. Am I just delaying the inevitable? Is it deceptive of me not to inform him of anything so fundamental in my life? A friend told me that I'd sabotage a potential relationship with him by telling him of this plan right now. And that a man who is really into me will accept me even if I'm pregnant and that more time is needed for him to really get to know me. But in my mind, I'm wondering if it will piss him off by suddenly saying quote, hey, I'm pregnant by the way. We've spoken loosely about wanting kids in the future.

So I know he'd like a family, but it was a brief passing comment. I'm also not willing to wait to get into a long term relationship. And we are far too early to be thinking about a family together. Would I be the asshole by keeping quiet about the plan for now? I think it's a very tricky situation. Oh my God, because there's movies about this shit. Yeah, but it just feels like when you meet someone new and you're super into them, you're super excited about it. You're just scared at almost. I mean, I've had moments even early days with you where it's like, I feel like there was one off moment where I said one thing that was a little weird. And I was like, all right, I just fucked it all up. It's over. And I just lost her. No, obviously it's not the case. But I

think when you're in the early stages for early stages of a relationship, you think that way. Yeah, it's dicey smallest things become these colossal world ending things for your relationship in the early stages. In this case, though, there's nothing against this. I think it's amazing. I think she made an awesome choice. And that's an incredible undertaking that she's going to go forward with. To choose to be a single parent is a lot of work. That's amazing. She truly wants that child. Well, that's awesome. That's her choice. And she wants to do it. And she's like, yep, I'm in. Let's go. That's dope. So incredible. With that being said, though, if you're willing to go ahead and make that choice and do that, I think you have to own it to the point where you

have to share it because it is going to be a problem down the road. It's almost like a lie when you haven't told something and then all of a sudden it comes out of the blue. It's a lot. It's like guilty by omission. And I think if you start the relationship early saying, here's what I'm doing, I'm super excited. I'm passionate about it. I've always wanted to do this. I'm open to kids in the future and whatever, but this is right for me now. This is what I want to do now. Then if he's the right person, he'll be on board because you're doing this 100%. Yeah. And if he's not about it and then you just like wait until he's really hooked in and then drop it on last minute. That's unfair. It just doesn't feel right. No, that's deceptive. And I think

there are so many, so, so, so many great people out there that if you are a single parent, there's people out there that want that. There's people that are open to dating a single parent, but to go into it deceptively, like you said, that's where it's unfair. And I look at this person where, yeah, they got bored and they were going to go date and go on this app. That's fine. Everything you did is fine. You're not in the wrong, but you instantly become the asshole the minute you get deceptive and the minute you start lying because you want this child. You are going out of your way to get artificially inseminated and be a single parent. And if you're not willing to own that choice for yourself, you're an asshole. Well, honestly, his opinion at the end of the

day is irrelevant. It is. It's your choice. You're going into it saying, this is what I want to do. So you got to say it on the front end because if he's like, oh, I'm not about that, then see ya. He does deserve you. He's not the right one. That's exactly how I feel. If he doesn't want to be a part of your relationship, the minute you say, hey, I want to have a child, I've thought about this for a really long time. I was on the list, prior to meeting you, COVID shut me down. I'm going to get impregnated. I'm going to get inseminated. I want to have a kid. Yeah, and it doesn't have to be first date. It doesn't have to be the front of your character where the first thing you do is guess what? I know you're into

sports, but guess what? Here's what I have going on. It's more one of those things where when you actually start to feel something with someone and it becomes something real, that's when you say, hey. Well, and what did she say? So I didn't read this one. I wanted to come back with this second half of rough road. And I just went on Reddit looking for updates on the relationship slash the asshole thread. So I didn't read this one. I don't know what the update entails on this one. But what did she say? They were only like three dates in. Yeah, but I think the feelings started to be there. I mean, when it's right, the feelings happen quick. I mean, like, it was one and done for me. So I, I understand how it can become serious very quickly or the

feelings become real very quickly. But I still, it's just not something you'd be, you lead with on a first date. If you're going to lie about that though, asshole. Well, yes, that is different. I'm just saying not on the first date, but it comes to a point where when the feelings become real, you're like, all right, I have something I want to tell you. Yeah. And then you gauge it from there. You figure out what the response is from there and your answer is going to be apparent very quickly. You don't want to go into a relationship line, like no matter how small or big it is, like enter our relationship with honesty. Because if truth comes out down the road, like it's just going to be heartache and pain and deception. And there's no point. This is a

fucking JLo movie. What's the JLo movie where she like, this is like literally the same plot. I'm not good with the movies. I know. I know you're not. But this is a JLo movie where JLo like wants a baby. She's tired of being single. She gets knocked up with artificial insemination and then meets the guy of her dreams. JLo artificial insemination movie. It's called the backup plan and it's a great movie. But JLo goes down the same road and JLo is honest with her man and he sticks by her. Well, that's the thing too. I was thinking if he, if you do come out and tell him right now and he's like, oh my God, that's awesome. That's amazing. You're going to be so much more into it. It's going to strengthen your relationship.

It's just going to be like a fairytale. It's a fairytale. It's a fairytale versus going down the road and having your partner come out that your partner lied to you and being like, fuck you, you lied to me. You're going to be stressed the fuck out. You're going to be thinking about that every time you're with him and then every time you get closer to him, it gets better and better and better and you're like, fuck. I should have told him then. I should have told him then. I should have told him yesterday. And then it gets worse and worse. So for the update, a month ago I was told I would be the asshole for not telling a date about my plans to be a single mother. So I told him. A month ago I asked if I would be the asshole

to not tell a guy I had only started dating that I had plans to become a single mother. I was scared I'd lose him, but also felt I would be deceiving him by not telling him, thus making the investment in our relationship unfair. The comments were pretty much unanimous in that I'm an asshole and I needed to tell him. And this validated my decision to go forth and be honest as nervous as I was. I explained my situation about taking two years to come to this decision, how my fertility clinic had shut down due to COVID, which was why I had gone back on to dating apps. I explained how my clinic had reopened after I made it him and how important it was to me to continue my journey to become a single mother. I knew this was baggage he hadn't expected and

that there was every chance he would step away from the situation. Well, he didn't. This is not such a single mother after all. JLo 2.0. Well, we're now in a committed relationship and he's been supporting me in my journey. I've had two unsuccessful artificial inseminations with donor sperm, my original plan. And we've spoken about having a child together. As early on as it may seem, he told me my honesty made him consider his own future and how he really wants a family someday. And how he has admiration for me for being honest about my situation. Now he wants to help me fulfill my desires to be a mother, whether with him or with the sperm donor. Either way, he wants to be a part of my life.

JLo 2.0. Fuck. I mean, you just like honestly, you just have to be honest. You just got to communicate your feelings, friendships, family, relationships. If you can just, and this is what I experienced so much in New York, and this is what I love New York for and just the East Coast vibe. People just say things when they feel them. There's no like harboring the feelings and then lashing out later. It just right there on the spot. Just go for it. Yeah. So it continues a little bit. I want to provide this update as a positive outcome has come out of being labeled an asshole. And it pushed me to do the right thing, which has in turn

meant I have the most understanding and accepting boyfriend. Had I kept this info from him, it would have played on my conscious as well as most likely have caused him to not trust me. Yeah, it would have wrecked this whole perfect fairytale ending. So thank you. Edit. Gosh, I didn't think this post would blow up in this way. Thanks for the lovely words of support. And also those of you taking the time to provide food for thought of co-parenting and step parenting. This is new territory for me, and I don't know how anyone else in my day to day life who has been in this situation. So it's so valuable for me to hear your views and gain new perspectives.

Thank you. Kind Reddit community. Yep. I love it. Incredible. Well, that's why I think it's important to not just consider one person's opinion because if you take that opinion solely for just what it is, I mean, it clearly would have led her down not a good path. And so I think it's important to always talk to multiple people when you're considering, I mean, this is kind of a big decision. If she's serious about them,

you can get serious really quick with feelings. You can know pretty quick, I think. And I think it's important to talk to multiple people or just go to Reddit. Get everyone's opinions. And there you go. Happy ending. Happy ending. Refroad. But on that note, thanks for joining us, you guys, on another episode of Two Hot Takes. And until next time. Until next time.

Bye, guys. Take kids to soccer practice, then there goes the extra time for a jog. That's okay. Maybe next week. When everyone else relies on you, it's easy to put your needs last. Therapy is a dedicated time to focus on what you need to be happy. So you can show up for yourself the way you do for others. BetterHelp offers convenient online therapy on your schedule. It's the same professional service you'd get from an in-person therapist, but with the option to communicate when and how you want, by chat, phone, or video call.

Go to their site and fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Find more balance with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHELP.com. The thought of my sons growing up without me inspired me to quit smoking. I talked to my doctors, and then I threw away all my cigarettes, ashtrays, and lighters. I started exercising instead of smoking. Staying away from alcohol when I was first quitting was key.

I kept on trying. Learned something each time. Do whatever it takes. No matter how many times it takes. We did it, so can you. For free and confidential help, call 1-800-QUIT-NOW or visit www.waytoquit.org. Developed by CDC.