Two Hot Takes - 64: Let 'Em Go..? Ft. Nick Viall

Episode Date: May 5, 2022

Two Hot Takes host, Morgan, is joined by guest co-host Nick Viall. As a previous Bachelor and now relationship advice podcast guru Nick seemed like the perfect person to determine whether its time for the people in these stories to let go...  Nick's Socials: https://www.instagram.com/nickviall/ https://www.instagram.com/viallfiles/ Merch: https://fanjoy.co/collections/twohottakes Partners: Green Chef: GreenChef.com/tht130 Promo Code: THT130 Page 1 Books: Page1Books.com Promo Code: THT Credit Karma: CreditKarma.com Cerebral: Cerebral.com/THT Our SubReddit to Submit Stories!!! https://reddit.app.link/twohottakes Patreon bonus stories !!  https://www.patreon.com/TwoHotTakes Full length Video episodes available on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/TwoHotTakes

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I was, I just talked to Darlene this afternoon. It was just like, I could take it. You got all the positive coping skills? Yeah. You're like, maybe, maybe not for this episode. Well, I like, I just, I broke the seal. Like, I don't know if you read stuff about yourself. I try not to.

I don't even read podcast reviews. I do like a really good job. Not. However, once in a while, I have a moment a week, something triggers me and I go down a rabbit hole. Yeah. It's really bad. I feel that.

My friend Lauren was over here the other night and she was like reading podcast reviews and I was like, I've took, set multiple times, like many boundaries. I'm like, please do not read the reviews in front of me. And she starts reading them out loud. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? It's torture. It's so mean. It's so mean.

So today is not going to be mean. Okay. Hi guys. Welcome back to another episode of Too Hot Takes. I'm your host Morgan and today I'm joined by the one and only Nick Vile. Hi. Are you excited? I am.

A little terrified. I can see. You have a very nice podcast voice. So I've been told. Do you have you? Yes. Two things. People have equated it to Xanax.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why. Like you could read a sleep story. That's what they listen to this for. They listen to it to fall asleep. It's meant to be a compliment.

It is. I'm happy to lull them off into La La Land. So today the theme I have for you. You started on The Bachelor as far as I know. I didn't watch your season. I just saw the highlights from Corinne on Twitter. So that was like my experience with your season. But you're very good at knowing when to let people go.

Okay. So it seems. As The Bachelor. Yeah. Or just in life. Like do you feel like you... Thanks. Yeah.

I appreciate that. I appreciate you saying that just because I always thought that when watching the show. But people have all sorts of opinions at the time. It was more people like my critics were it was like I wasn't giving like certain people a chance in the show and I felt like I was trying at the time to be very considerate to the women there. Yeah. Which would be like I want to do sounds I want to give them like a proper breakup.

Which is that's really nice. Which is like really hard to do but the alternative is just not give them a rose at a rose ceremony and it's like bye. But I had the most breakups outside of a rose ceremony I think. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. People had mixed feelings about it.

But I had the intention of you know making everyone feel like they had their moment. Yeah. Very considerate. Yeah. It's like I could explain why or at least have a conversation about it. I don't know if I successfully did that but that was that was my goal. That was your intent which yeah I think like as long as you have good intention behind it however people are going to perceive it it's like unfortunately that's on them.

We'll see about these stories today because my theme overall for you is like do these people need to be let go or cut off. Gotcha. Well I definitely am a big believer in that in general. And it comes from probably in the younger me was not good at letting go. I feel that. I stuck with a lot of toxic. I'm stubborn and I ruminate those are not qualities usually fit for people who are

looking to just be like yeah no just let it. Yeah. This isn't working for me. So I had to get better at it personally. I think we all do. It's something you learn. So I have empathy with people who have a hard time with it. Okay.

Well let's see what you think about these ones. Let's dive in. Where'd it go? Am I the asshole for wanting to sleep in comfortable pajamas at my boyfriend's house? No. So last night was my 24 female first sleepover with my new boyfriend 29 male of two months. He bought me a gift of lingerie. It is beautiful but not comfortable.

I think of this particular lingerie as a sort of thing you only wear for five minutes at a time. Then your partner takes it off. Haha. Which is essentially what happened. I wore the lingerie for him. He took it off. We were intimate.

It was lovely. But then the trouble started when we are ready to sleep. I went to put on the pajamas I packed which is men's boxers. I bought it specifically for pajamas. It was not an exes or anything. The t-shirt I got from the beach. This is the sort of thing I always wear to sleep and I didn't think it would be any different with my boyfriend.

But he asked why I didn't put the lingerie back on. Did I not like it? This is a 29 year old man. Sure is. I said that I loved it but it was a bit scratchy to actually sleep in. He said what the hell was my outfit? Why was I dressed like a man? I said I always sleep in stuff like this except when it's cold I wear footy pajamas.

He said that's fine when it's cold but like when I'm alone and all that but when I am with him it makes him feel, quote, sick to his stomach to see me dressed like a man. So I caved and put the lingerie back on. I'm now lying awake because the lingerie is scratching me. He is my first boyfriend I could actually sleep over with. I've been single since high school so I admit I don't really know the etiquette. Am I the asshole? Oh my god, no, she needs to leave him now immediately.

This is so cringe. Yeah, poor thing. He's so bad. That's, I mean he sounds like a 17 year old guy. Mm-hmm. I think it would be bad for an 18 year old guy to say something like this but a 29 year old man, I mean it just comes from a lot. If I'm being nice on the guys he just thinks comes from a place of incredible immaturity.

I'd be curious of his dating experience. My hope for him is that he also doesn't have a lot of experience and he's just saying, you know, like I'm sure like a 16 year old me might have imagined, you know, one day I'll get lingerie for my girlfriend, I mean when you're young and thinking about having a girlfriend and what that would be like and then you think that's something they wear but no one, they're not pajamas. No, this isn't like a reasonable thing to sleep in. It's absurd, they're absurd.

Well, some of them have snap button crotches. They're just not meant for comfort. Tight, they cut in you. They're meant to, like I think they're probably designed so that the person wearing them wants to take them off as fast as possible. Yeah, I think that's the exact intention behind this stuff. I would agree with you, it sounds like a lack of relationships and like what reality actually looks like.

Well, the first thing I would say to her, well, one, probably break up. Two, if she wants to have a conversation with him first to see if there's any way to work through this, I would remind him that, or in her, that she's not necessarily responsible for his feelings per se, you know, like he's like, oh, this makes me feel sick to my stomach. Well, that's a him problem. That's not her problem. You know, when we feel something in a relationship, we can try to empathize and talk with him, but like, that's, he's feeling it and she's not necessarily doing anything like, you know,

she didn't make him feel sick to my stomach because she wants to wear comfortable pajamas. I'm just blown away. The fact it's like, oh, you look like a man, like have you never seen a girl, like even on the streets in a big t-shirt and biker shorts? Also, there's something like, first of all, that's boxers in a t-shirt is like an attractive look. It's, it's very cute. It's very cute. It's also like a standard sleep attire, like uniform these days, I feel.

Yeah. Like I cannot, I know like some people are like, oh, I'm gonna sleep naked, whatever. But like, no, I'm like, if there's a fire, I got to be ready to go. I mean, this is one of those very short stories that says a lot about a person. This guy's riddled with red flags. Yes. Absolutely. Probably sexist, a little misogynist.

He's and just makes his partner feel bad for not living up to. What his expectations are, there's just, I don't know. And then she mentioned out, her first boyfriend. Yeah. She's 24. I believe 25, somewhere in there. So like, I mean, yeah, 24, you're right. 24, I mean, it's easy for me to say how young she is. But I remember being 24 and and having 24 and 25 is a weird age

because it's it's the age in which you like teenage versions of us. We all like when we fantasize, we all it's weirdly like our mid 20s was always like the timeframe when we fantasize about our goals. There's like teenagers. It was that was when we all decided that's when we were going to like accomplish whatever our goals were. Oh, my God. Yeah. I'm going to be married with kids by 26.

It's always somewhere around the mid 20s. Yeah. Like life happens. And then we start panicking when we fall short of our teenage expectations, which is kind of funny when we think about it. I know, God, that's so young. I would just hope for her that she. I mean, being single is not bad. Not at all.

Your first boyfriend, it's OK if it's if he sucks, but you should definitely she can she can do better. Sure. I hope she. What are what did other people say? So not the asshole. What the fuck? He's an idiot. Put your comfy peaches on and go home to your bed that loves you more than this asshole.

You don't have to like the lungs, right? Wear whatever you want to bed. He's a controlling bum. And sounds about right. Yeah. And they go at it. That shit can also give you UTIs or yeast infections. Men's boxers are smart and comfortable. So OP actually responds update.

I slipped out of bed and put my pajamas back on. If he wakes up and he reacts badly, I'm going to consider breaking up with him. Good. So she's on the right path. Yeah. Someone else, not the asshole. Also, you saw red flags, unrealistic gender norms, lack of consideration for your feelings and comfort, stupidity of the Dunning-Kruger sort,

prone to issuing threats, bad communicator, controlling. I agree with all those. You know, very controlling. Yeah, we do have an update on this one, which is I love the updates. You know, it's so satisfying to me. So a few people asked me to update them with my boyfriend's reaction when he wakes up.

I figured I'd post that update over here so it doesn't get deleted. After reading everyone's responses, I decided it's over between the two of us, whether he... Thank God. I've never seen someone learn so quickly on Reddit. This is great.

Whether he tries to apologize for the stunt he pulled or not. So a few hours after I posted, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend quietly sobbing. I roll over towards him and he's like, why can't you do this one thing for me? All I want is for my woman to look like a woman because I'm not gay. Wow.

What? Did not see that coming. I told him that I'm done and he started throwing a tantrum like a two-year-old. I didn't even bother to listen to it. I had tracks. I had gathered my stuff together before I went to sleep, so I just picked up my backpack and left.

Went home, picked up beer, pizza, and ice cream on the way, put on some cartoons, and was chilling all afternoon. Then my friend, who works at Spencer's, texted me, apparently my ex had come in and tried to return the lingerie. Obviously, they could only give him store credit because it was out of the box. He bought it at Spencer's?

That might be the biggest red flag of them all. Oh, my God. When was the last time you saw Spencer's even? I actually thought that when you said that. And then, yeah. Crazy. I thought Spencer's was, I don't know. I guess when I was...

That's where he went? Yeah. For lingerie. Yeah. I think the last item I purchased there was a studded belt in eighth grade for the emo days. Yeah. Was it meant to be actual lingerie

or fake lingerie for Halloween? So there is a picture on this, and I'm not sure if it's the actual one or one from a website, but this is what OP posted to give an example of what it is. Gotcha. So it's like a one-piece. And he wants his girlfriend, whoever that girlfriend is,

to wear that every night so that she, in his words, looks like a woman. Yeah. It sounds like he's struggling with some stuff internally. The gay comment kind of threw me for a little... Yeah. He might want to look into that. He might need some therapy.

He had to be escorted out of the mall by a cop after he started throwing a tantrum at Spencer's. Yeah. This sounds like a problematic person. Uh-huh. Thanks to you all. I dodged a bullet with this man, baby. He obviously has some serious issues,

and I don't think I'm the right person to help him with them. Good for her. Yeah. It sounds like she did all the right things. Yeah. I would agree with that. Absolutely amazing. Hi, Jan from Toyota speaking.

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Am I the asshole for what I said after my husband commented on my flat chest? My husband Jared. I don't know what if she said something really bad. It could have been really mean. You're about to see. But you... That doesn't justify commenting on someone's body.

This is true. My husband Jared and I have been married for three years. He's currently out of work, used to work at a high-paying job but got kicked out of the company over a fight with a coworker and I'm the one paying for rent and utilities. We dedicate some time to seeing his family weekly.

They don't know he's unemployed because he thought they'll see him as a failure, especially his mom, so he told me to keep it a secret. Last night, we were sitting eating dinner at the table. His cousin was talking about his fiancee going to Brazil to do a boob job. Jared asked if he was serious.

Then flattered future sister-in-law's boobs saying they're perfect and that he didn't understand why she'd get a boob job. He then turned to me, stared at my chest while I was eating, like an idiot. I have a flat chest. I'm insecure about it,

but don't do anything about it obviously. And said, quote, hey, why don't you get a boob job? You're the one who needs it the most. His mom gasped and was like, Jared. And I said, it's fine. It then turned to him and said, quote, I'll get a boob job once you get an actual job

since you've been unemployed for six months now. He stared at me. Honestly, he deserves it. This is justified, absolutely justified. I also think it's weird that he was hiding that. Yeah, I think it's tough because I think there is a lot of stigmatism around, like males being providers

and stuff like that. I just think it perpetuates that stigma and plays into it. And it sucks to lose a job and I get the feeling of insecurity around that. But I think it's toxic to ask your partner to keep secrets in general, especially around family for periods of time,

especially like it's one thing to say, hey, let's not, in a relationship, yeah, you want to have things that are just between you two. I get that. It's really hard to ask your partner to, when I say keep it secret, keep it secret from family. When you have to lie to keep it secret, it just becomes unhealthy and toxic.

It's one thing to say, to not say something. Like let's just keep this between us. But it sounds like he was unemployed for a period of time. He probably pretended to be at work, probably talked about being at work. Oh yeah. And like that's just, when you ask people to lie to that extent, it's just a really unhealthy thing.

And like at some point you want to, I think it's really, you have to know what it's like to have your partner face adversity and then deal with it and get through it together. And like those are just such red flags that have someone so incapable of dealing with disappointment or failure. I mean, it happens to all of us.

And we have to rebound and we want to have partners that can make us feel good about ourselves and support us. And so that we don't feel emasculated or like not good enough or not good providers. But yeah, it's tough to ask your partner to keep a secret and lie for you. It's not a good sign. No.

And I think if it would have been just like, Hey, let's keep this between us. Obviously, if someone asks you directly, I don't want you to have to lie. Like that's a different conversation. Like you said, like don't go out of your way. It sounded like this was like an ongoing thing. This is very elaborate.

Yes. Also, I have no problem with her clap back. No, I think it's totally fair, especially like he looked her up and down. In public. In public and in front of the whole entire family and said, you need it the most. I mean, even in private, like when you're with someone

and they comment on your body, I don't care if, you know, as a man, they have my girlfriend comment on like something that would require surgery that I may or may not be able to afford. And he doesn't even have a job. Like shit, surgery is expensive. What is he going to help pay for this? Like 15 grand.

And then immediately all you can think about is how your partner thinks that you're not good enough. What a terrible thing to say to someone. It's weird because they're not just dating. They've been married for three years. And it's like, if you didn't like that person for who they are as a whole, why did you go so far as to marry them?

Oh, yeah. Come on, buddy. No, he's a, he's a dick. That's so terrible. God, it's guys. I know. Just wait. It's we're not even done yet.

There's all this terrible guys. No, no, no, there's some shitty gals too. His mom began questioning him about being unemployed and he denied, denied, denied. Then he kept lying. Admitted it was true. It got awkward with his mom, scolding him and others,

shaming him for it and for hiding it. He got so overwhelmed. He went outside and stayed inside the car until I came out. He started yelling at me repeatedly, quote, you couldn't have held your fucking tongue and accused me of turning his family against him and having them judge then shun him now.

He can't even step a foot in their house from shame and guilt. Is that true? Or is that just how he feels? I argued that his comment about my chest was insulting, but he said he was giving me a piece of advice and that there's nothing wrong with him wanting me to look pretty.

And that he said what he said. So he doesn't think she looks pretty? There's a lot of hidden writing here. He said what he said out of support and encouragement, but what I did was the complete opposite and that I was intended to hurt him and I succeeded. He dropped me off at home and went to stay with his buddies.

I called him later thinking he calmed down, but his friend said he didn't want to speak to me and I should give him space. I feel like she should get divorced. Give him all the space in the world. That's really bad. There's so many. Yeah.

He's obviously a very insecure person and losing your job is not what's making him an insecure person. No. I say that with confidence that he was already insecure. Who gets in a fight at work that gets you fired? That's not very common. Well, all of this is like-

He's reactive. He's a reactive person. And my guess is his reactive personality comes from this insecurity. Whenever he gets challenged or the type of person who would call their wife flat-chested in public and then make it about like how like, well, I guess essentially gaslight them

into making him feel like he was trying to do her a favor. I was supportive. I was trying to make you the prettiest you can be. I just don't- This is not- I don't know what kind of therapy would- I mean, yeah, he's not changing overnight and he clearly is not going to-

That's- That's- It's bad. I feel really bad for this person. I do too because it sounds like she's really carrying everything too. She's paying for rent, paying for utilities, supporting him like who knows what his savings looks like,

but she's kind of a one-girl team here. I mean, that's the least of our concerns. No, the least, but it's like he's not even appreciative and then he's like, oh, get a boob job that you'd also have to pay for and like, I'm going to body shame you and then I'm going to make you feel like shit and then I'm going to gaslight you.

It's like, where's the upside to this relationship for you? Is there an upside? Because I do not- I am unaware. I would love to know like when people like call in for my ass next segments and I would ask her like, tell me what you're grateful for on the relationship and tell me how he makes you feel on a consistent basis.

Like when you're happy, what does he do? Like I would focus on her feelings and I'd be curious what she would say. I doubt she'd have a long list of things that she's grateful for. Then it sucks that she's married because obviously marriage is a whole, you know, to death to your part type of thing.

It requires lawyers to break up. But he is definitely, this is someone who's, it's never their fault. Absolutely not. And there's a comment from OP because someone asked like, what did he get fired for? Like just people are kind of digging and asking questions. And they say he had an argument with this former coworker

but rather it was a month long fight, like months long. He told me he thought his coworker was being unethical but I got told that he, my husband, violated the co-worker's privacy to snoop on him and it resulted in a fight and him getting kicked out of the company. Yeah. This guy is... Bad news for you.

Problematic. Yeah. And a liar. Yes. Let's not forget. Yeah, no, this is, he's got a lot of shit to unpack in therapy and I don't think it's worth sticking around for. And interestingly enough, he felt he has so much pride.

And maybe his family's toxic. I don't know. Maybe they truly are shaming him. Yeah. It doesn't sound like that though. It sounds like the way she told the story that he feels that shame. He's projecting it onto his family

and making, again, them the bad guys. Yep. It's like, now it's their fault because they're going to make him feel bad. All he, he just feels bad, you know, that he fucked up. And... Yeah. This is all.

From everything I'm hearing, he 100% got himself fired for something he did. Yeah. And the snooping around and... Yeah. Well, and apparently he's not even really trying to look for a job because OP goes, I make sure to tell him to look for a job every day,

but he keeps stalling. And I got fed up because I've been carrying the load by myself while he keeps saying he needs time to prepare for work again after what happened with his coworker. Do we know what happened? Do we have an update? No update on this one. Who, if she, maybe she listens to this podcast.

But if she ever gets the courage to leave him, he will, he will crumble. He's a victim. That's all he is in all of these situations. Exactly. There's no accountability on his part. And it is really unfortunate that they're married because it takes a lot more to unwind than just breaking up.

It does. But how, she's still young. How old is she? No mention of ages. No mention of age. No. Either way, she, I don't know. They're only three years in and no mention of kids,

which that does make it a lot easier. Get out, just get out. This guy's a nightmare. Yeah. So you wanted a shitty gal? No, I just was wondering if it was just like, because I thought he was a guy. I was like, geez, he's fucking guys.

Which is most of Reddit. Because I think women are more likely to write in a Reddit and ask for advice or share their problems online. That makes sense. But speaking of marriage, or people that are soon to be married and probably shouldn't be, would I be the asshole if I remove the in sickness part from my marriage vow to my fiancee, 29 male?

Yeah, maybe. I mean, certainly a more practical approach to marriage, but I am curious. This is harsh, but I hate taking care of sick people. My siblings and I were taking care of our parents whenever they get sick and I just hate it. I'm sick of it and I hate feeling bound or obligated to take care of somebody.

My life is full of moments and events like this, and I just finally want to live my life to the fullest. I'm going to be married soon to my lovely partner and the best guy in the world. I'm so lucky and happy to have him by my side. We've been thinking a little about our marriage vows. My fiancee is going to have the traditional Christian one. I blank, take the blank, to be my wedded wife,

to have and hold to this day forward, yada, yada, yada. I'm going to have an identical one, but without the in sickness part. I'm going to replace it with in happiness. My fiancee says that he will not accept this and he is very mad at me. He is even rethinking the whole thing. I just don't want to feel obligated to take care of anybody sick for years of my own and only life.

It's so stressful and I think he is being very unreasonable right now. It's just a marriage vow and I have a choice to change it. So would I be the asshole? I don't think anyone's an asshole here. Really? I think these are two people considering a potential lifelong contract or at least the hopes of one that would require lawyers to end it.

And I think these are sometimes, these are the honest conversations people often avoid having, but they're having. And yeah, it's a weird thing to ask and it's awkward. And in his position, I can get why he's thinking, fuck. Do you even love me? And it's certainly not romantic and I get a lot of people could criticize her because it sounds so untraditional, but we all come from different places. She explained a little bit for whatever reason.

She grew up having this, maybe her parents were sick their whole life and that could be a big burden. And she's definitely being unrealistic to the point where if she truly only wants to be in a committed relationship in happiness, as she describes, then I don't know if marriage is for her because marriage is about the idea of forever. And so maybe a more untraditional, like long-term partnership is for her. I would agree with that. I think even changing it to in happiness is kind of like.

It's not just vows. No. And I just look at it. It's like life is full of obstacles, bumps in the roads, blue days, sad days, depression, whatever. There's so many unpredictable factors here. And so for her to make it like it's so conditional, like my love is almost conditional on you fulfilling this to a T. And so like the in sickness, I'm like, okay, that is kind of a serious thing.

And something that's interesting, I actually am an OT and occupational therapist. So that was like my gig before the podcast. But it's interesting, you know, coming from her perspective where she's like, I want to be done if he becomes sick or disabled or whatever, because women are like more likely to stay if that happens. And the men statistically are more likely to leave if their partner becomes like permanently disabled or chronically ill. So that is kind of interesting to me.

But I just like, I'm like, this is too conditional. It's like, you're in it or you're not. And like kind of like what you said where it's like, these are conversations people definitely should have and they're important. But then like, if he's not in it, like this obviously isn't the match for you. He definitely has a right to say, because that's what I'm saying. It's not just vows. If someone, if I were dating her, I'd been like, thank you for being honest,

but maybe we shouldn't get married. You know, like I, you know, and he has a choice to say, I love you and I guess, but I want to be with someone when I get older that isn't going to bail on me. And listen, people bail on each other all the time. So, you know, she's being very practical and honest, because a lot of people again, don't have these conversations. They lie to themselves about their desire to like work through difficult times and things like that.

So at least she's being upfront. So I don't think that makes her an asshole. I just think it's a tough conversation to have. Yeah. And maybe they're just not alive. I do think it's something they shouldn't ignore. And I don't think, yeah, I don't think he should concede.

No, I don't think if that's truly what she wants to, I don't think either of them concede. There's like, there's no mention of how long they've been together or anything like that either. So it's like, I think. And the ironic thing is like, you can't predict the future either. No. To your point, like who knows, they get married, they're falling in love,

they have a couple of kids, he gets sick. And she's just like, of course, I'm like, I'm not going to leave you. At that point in time. And he's thinking, yeah, you're vile. She's like, vile schmow is like, I was, I love you. We have a family together. Yeah. And he, you know, she could get sick 10 years from now

and he could be the asshole and leave it. So. True. But when the person you're about to get married to feels that at least right now, if you got sick tomorrow, I'd want to bail. I don't know if I want to marry that person. No.

They do add a little bit more info and say, it does depend on the disease. Obviously, I'm not going to have problems taking care of somebody with a cold or some flu, broken bones. However, if it's chronic slash severe and requires so much time and playing around diets, restrictions. Yeah. So like what about if Crohn's happens? Like Crohn's disease, ulcerative colitis, disabilities, cancer, etc.

Then no, I had enough of those in my life. So one of the comments on this is to me, it sounds like a person who was forced to take care of someone as a child and teen and they never got therapy. Yeah. And it's developed in awful stuff, which is exactly what you said. Something she's very, some trauma through her childhood and she should probably work through that.

Yeah. And I would want, if I was him, I'd want her to work through that before we got married. Absolutely. And if I was just like, Hey, that sounds a little crazy, babe. Maybe we're not ready to get married. I don't want to break up with you because I love you. But like, let's, let's look into this because this seems,

it's just kind of an unrealistic, extreme point of view to have. And I can try to empathize with, you know, why she might feel the way she did. Yeah. Well, and like parentification, like that can create a lot of trauma in someone's life. So if she did go through something like that and like how to take care of her parents and was taking care of also siblings and all this stuff, like, I bet she's in early 20s. I bet this is a young couple.

Yeah. And no age was mentioned. And I, I do typically find that when age isn't mentioned, they're typically pretty young, but the fiance is 29. So. Oh, he's 29. He's 29, but no mention. Of her age.

Of their age. Yeah. No, no, no. Nothing. So. Oh, yeah. I don't know. But yeah, I definitely think therapy.

And, and maybe push off the wedding. Yeah. I definitely would not get married under those conditions. Yeah. People are going to be like, what in happiness? That changes by the hour for me sometimes. If you want everyone talking shit behind your back at your wedding, then you should do that.

You know, it can keep you, everyone in the PO hearing these vows, but did you hear, did she take out in sickness and health and add in in happiness? So basically. As long as I'm happy, I'll stay here. Like that's what people will gossip about, about at her wedding. Absolutely. Especially because of the fact he would keep his, the traditional and that would stay in. That's like walking down the aisle naked.

Yeah. People are going to notice. It's embarrassing for her. I'm going to be honest. It's pretty embarrassing. Yeah. But again, understandable. And she just needs to work through it.

Or we're just finding a partner who is on board who's on board and. You know, and somehow prompt, maybe like a robot who can't get, you know, like. Yeah. Maybe a mail order husband, someone who like 90 day fiance style it. Yeah. Someone who can't get sick. Like a vampire, maybe. Yeah.

That'd be a good, good one. Okay. Lightning up on you. Of course, then he, he can't be awake during the day and that's an inconvenience to her. So like then. I know. Any challenge. It sounds like anything that disrupts her life would be.

She doesn't want to die at restrictions either. And he only drinks blood. So vampires are the question. Okay. That's like the craziest one too. Diet restrictions. Like how many people are like gluten free, celiac disease. Like can't do stuff like that.

Like allergic to peanut butter, almond butter. Like there's so much shit. Come on. I will say though, my girlfriend Natalie, this is the first girlfriend I've had where. Like we have, we have a very similar diet. We like the same things. And I got to say. It's so nice.

So good. It's so nice. It's so nice. I, I didn't have that with my partner, Justin. He, he came into the relationship like not eating red meat, no cows. And like, so now I don't eat cows. I haven't eaten like a burger in three years, which is like. It's healthy.

It's better. So we only eat like things with wings and like he doesn't do dairy. So now I'm like, I'm like almond milk cheese on our homemade pizzas. And it's better for me. Yeah. But sometimes he just wants that, that burrata. Yeah, that's struggle. That's struggle.

That's real. Got to walk the dogs, school drop off, meetings from 10 to three, take kids to soccer practice, then there goes the extra time for a jog. That's okay. Maybe next week. When everyone else relies on you, it's easy to put your needs last. Therapy is a dedicated time to focus on what you need to be happy. So you can show up for yourself the way you do for others.

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Okay, up next. Do you get a lot of call-ins on your show dealing with mother-in-law problems? We've had them, yeah. We've lately got a lot of like friendships in law stuff. Just because usually what happens is we'll get one of those questions and they might like my answer and then that prompts other people to call in. Yeah, we get a fair share of in-laws. Okay, well, tell me how you handle this one.

Tough, in-laws are tough. This one's, it's a little more lighthearted than the past couple I've been thrown at, yeah. Yeah, those are like, I feel like these. I didn't realize they were going to be so trauma-heavy. You're like, it's fine. You're handling it very well. Something's working, you're doing good. Am I the asshole for making inappropriate noises

when my mother-in-law called my husband's phone at 2 a.m.? My husband and Kevin and I got married months ago. Ever since we moved away, his mom started calling more often. She had a mental breakdown when she heard we were moving. She begged we stay near because she quote needs him, even though her two older sons are there. Anyhow, she'd call at random times, then start calling in the middle of the night, specifically at 2 a.m.

I thought that was so weird, but she said she wanted to hear Kevin's voice, but was too busy to call during the day. Kevin responds to her call every time, saying he's worried there might be an emergency. It's exhausting and completely ruins our alone time. I asked her to call at like 10, but no, she kept calling at 2. Kevin said he can't bring himself to ignore her calls and asked that I be patient.

Last night, I decided I wasn't having it. I waited until Kevin was asleep and put his phone on vibrate and waited for her to call. 2 o'clock rolls around and the phone starts vibrating on the nightstand. I stretch my arm to answer and then I start making sex noises from the bed. I'm talking full on moaning and then some dirty talk, then more moaning. Few seconds in, she ends the call. Kevin wakes up and asks if I was all right. I tell him it's just the fever, then he goes back to sleep.

I woke up to... Maybe she's got a cold during all this as well. I was like, is that a thing? I heard devil's tango for the first time the other day, like talking about like that relating to sex. And I was like, that's interesting. I like it, but okay, fever dream. Maybe like a fever dream.

I don't know. I woke up to a complete disaster with Kevin angrily asking, what the fuck I did last night when his mom called. Clearly she was livid and mortified because Kevin said, I just traumatized her by having her think we were having sex when she called. I mean, she fucked up for sure. I told him what I did and insisted it was just out of frustration, but he shouldn't have done that.

But he said, I shouldn't have done that. And I embarrassed him and made his mom uncomfortable. I said, she was calling at 2 a.m. He said, still I acted childishly and potentially harmed the relationship with her. I told him to just tell her I was behind this. And he said, quote, oh, don't worry about it. I will. Then demanded I apologize to her immediately,

but her shaming texts made me refuse. I might have went about this the wrong way, but I was just frustrated. Am I the asshole? Yeah, but like Kevin's the problem. Kevin's a little bit of a mama's boy. In any in-law situation, think about parents. They have these weird expectations of their kids.

This is like, I made you and some parents have a hard time letting go. And it's Kevin's mom's fault probably for developing this unhealthy connection with Kevin, but she was never going to win with her. She had to first get Kevin to understand that this was affecting their relationship and it was making her feel uncomfortable. And I think those are great situations because they're fairly common. I think it's a great reason to get couples therapy. Absolutely.

Always bring like a third party into that because I think in those situations, you suggest couples therapy and then try to, I mean, it's slightly manipulative, but you don't ever want to make, because like couple therapies is generally positive. Especially like you hear people like in the first year of marriage, I think a lot of people just do it just because it can be tough and it's just a different year. And it's just like having someone just help you learn how to fight and disagree and communicate. Like those are all positive things. And then when I mean by like, maybe she should have suggested in general,

rather than making it about this and then just bring it up in therapy. Absolutely. I think that's the best plan. Again, slightly manipulative, but whatever. There's plenty of things that work through in therapy, but they clearly need it. That's it's definitely a boundary. Like she has the right to set and it's hard to enforce because I have a lot of friends. I mean, I'm very close with my mom. Thankfully, a combination of having a lot of kids, they have a lot of kids.

And so my mom doesn't have the time to like be obsessed with me. But I have friends who have a hard time saying no to their parents. And as adults, we have to learn how to say no to our parents sometimes. And parents, as they get older, parents, even though they're older, they kind of, they throw temper tantrums too. And they can be manipulative with their kids and they have a hard time letting go. And I think usually it's the, it's up to the kid. In those situations, parents never really learn.

They never really go to get therapy to learn how to be less controlling with their kids. Because it's like, this is my kid. Yeah. So if a kid feels like that their parents are just like controlling their lives and can't let go, those are, you have to learn the tools to stand up for yourself. And that can be scary and challenging, especially if your whole life, you had this relationship with a parent that was very dominant and very manipulative. And you don't ever want to call your parents manipulative. It's, it's hard.

But parents can be manipulative. Parents are very manipulative. And sometimes, you know, that's maybe they needed to, that's how they, but as an adult, we have to push back sometimes and we have to learn the tools. So Kevin's the problem. And she fucked up because she did this thing, which was ridiculous, funny, but ridiculous. And then she, but now, now, now they can team up against her. Yeah. There's more ammo to use against her and be like,

and she just did herself a disservice. Yeah. I mean, I would have maybe put it on do not disturb instead or like a sleep mode just to like, like don't, don't like really light the fire, like by making these sex noises. But also let's be mature and have a conversation about this. But that's the thing. She, she, this was like a reaction that you would do after you've tried literally everything you possibly could think of. Yeah. She's at her wit's end.

She got there. Like it didn't even sound like she really even went to Kevin and say, Hey, I'm, as your wife, I'm asking you to set some appropriate boundaries. I want you to be close to your mom, but like, I need you to stand up to your mom, because this is ridiculous. And if he disagrees, then she needs to figure out a way to, you know, whether it's therapy or not. But it didn't sound like she had any of those conversations.

Like maybe she's asked him a couple of times and he said be patient with mom. But she went above and beyond. I know. She said like, she's kind of mentioned it where it's like, she's asked him not to respond every time. Then he says he's worried there might be an emergency. It's exhausting and completely ruins our alone time. I asked her to call it like 10, but she refused and kept calling that too. So it sounds like she even went so far as to like talk to the mom to try to set

that boundary herself, but that's not going to work. Yeah, mom's never going to. It's not going to work. Like, and this is something like I come across too, like even with my boyfriend and my mom and like, like his mom and him, it's like, we each need to be responsible for setting boundaries with our own parents. Like that's, that's just our responsibility to our parents and each other and our relationship. And so it's not going to work.

She's not going to give a fuck what the daughter-in-law wants. Totally. Especially if you're the type of parent who doesn't know how to respect boundaries. Which she doesn't. She's clearly, she doesn't. So she sees clearly hers more of an adversary rather than like, oh, thanks for, you know. Taking care of my son. Yeah, or making my son happy. It was more like, this mom is, doesn't want another woman in her life. So like she was in, in fact, she probably, you know, she's probably no better.

No. That's for sure. Well, just the fact she had a mental breakdown when she heard they were moving. She begged me to stay near because she needs him. It's a lot. I'm, we're big pluggers of therapy here. Love therapy. And so I think like people need to do therapy sessions before they even get married, like make sure you're on the same page. And like immediately do not pass, go schedule an appointment ASAP.

Definitely don't, don't do the, what she did. No, but do you know what's interesting? The overall vote on this one was not the asshole. People thought she was totally justified, thought it was a okay. The top comment, not the asshole was a childish. Absolutely. But so is she. However, the biggest problem here, isn't your mother-in-law. It's your husband.

Well, that's true. Well, I always say, it's like, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? She did not choose happiness. She chose wanting to be right and get back and try to get even. And like, listen, if you want to get even, get even. And you could, you know, you can, people would say like, yeah, tit for tat, but it often doesn't make you happier and she doesn't sound any happier. In fact, now she's probably more miserable because now

she's against two against one. Yeah. Like, where did it get her? Nowhere. Yeah, I would have given this to like, and everyone sucks. Like, funny. I mean, is she an asshole? No, like, she just fucked up.

Yeah. At her wit's end, maybe a little bit like, justified asshole if you want to go that far, but like, everyone sucks in this situation. I mean, it's kind of funny though. I like it. And I suppose mom deserves it. It just doesn't help her.

No. And like, I think it's funny. I certainly wouldn't have the balls to do it. Like, I think, I think it takes a lot to do that and start like. Yeah. And we don't really know. Like when she said she had a mental breakdown, like, did she really have a mental breakdown? Or was it a show?

Is she exaggerating when she just kind of saying, oh, she lost her mind? Either way, it sounds like mom's a little, you know. Unhinged. Yeah. And I don't know if like, she knew that was going to get a, what I want to know is, what did you expect to happen?

Yeah. That's a good question. Because in, in my head, there's no, there's no salute, like no ending that would have been good. Like, oh, the mom just doesn't say anything. And yeah, she really expect to be like, I'll just never call again. Yeah, no.

That's not how that works. Walk the dogs, school drop off, meetings from 10 to three, take kids to soccer, then no time left for a jog. When everyone else is relying on you, it's easy to put your needs last. BetterHelp connects you with a licensed therapist online, so you can show up for yourself the way you do for others. Find more balance with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. That's better, H-E-L-P.com. Fascinating. Yeah. People are interesting. Yeah. Well, this next one is the case as well. More in-law problems.

Am I the asshole for serving my husband's family mac and cheese for dinner? My husband, Asian, and I, American, welcomed our first born four weeks ago. The baby is healthy, but I'm exhausted, haven't fixed my hair, barely able to shower, and I cannot sleep. My husband's family had been pressuring us to visit to meet the baby. I tried to hold them off as much as I could, but yesterday I was surprised to find them standing on the porch. Turns out, Hubby invited them for dinner.

I was embarrassed and felt like I wasn't ready for visitors. Judgemental ones at that, because the house was a mess, y'all. Anyways, my husband sat with them while I fed my son. Then later I asked my husband if we should order takeout for dinner. He said, no, because his parents would find this rude and unwelcoming. He suggested that I go inside the kitchen and prepare something, anything long as it's homemade. I said, fine, then went and made some mac and cheese.

The reason I prepared this meal is because of how easy it is. It was a craft. I hope so. I like macaroni and cheese. It's so good. The spiral ones. I like the regular noodles. Or the shapes, just a regular.

Just a boring original. I like the spiral. Get a little extra sauce in there. Once I served the family, my husband's mom looked at me and was appalled. I noticed something was wrong. She asked if I really found it appropriate to serve her and the family mac and cheese. I asked, why not? And she went on a rant about how disrespectful this was

and that I clearly have no experience in what is right and wrong when it comes to hosting. I said, excuse me? Who said I signed up to host an expected visit from them? And she took it as in, I didn't want them there. Her husband. I wouldn't want them there either at that point. No. Her husband said they were just there to finally see the baby

that I kept them from seeing for an entire month. What did they visit from? I don't know. Maybe we'll get there. It, wait. I mean, it is a bit odd that mom and like grandma and grandpa, like hadn't seen the baby in a month. Yeah.

Up at the top when she says the baby is healthy, she goes parentheses, thank God. So I wonder if maybe the baby was in the NICU or if there's like a little more to this. I actually would take it as first-time parent, super high-strung, nervous. COVID too. COVID, little hyper kind of hypochondriac, you know, all very relatable feelings for first-time parents

and maybe a little overprotective. I couldn't imagine a world where like if Natalie and I have kids together where either of our parents would somehow be like told like, no, you can't see them. It's like they, if they wanted to, like my parents are in Wisconsin, so like maybe they couldn't make the trip, but like to. You're from Wisconsin? Yeah. I'm from Minnesota.

All right, wonderful. Well, and so it gets worse. They go on to say that's a whole month of his life they missed out on. We had an argument and they decided to go home. My husband said that deciding to serve his family mac and cheese was more offensive than serving them nothing at all. I told him I was too exhausted to cook their traditional feast that I was forced to learn from his mom.

He took offense and said that I was being mean and disrespectful towards not only his family, but his culture. I went inside the bedroom to stay with my son. My husband stayed on the phone with his family for an hour, then kept giving me the cold shoulder and refused to eat what I cook in support of his family. I understand how some guests might find it offensive, especially his family, but I was just trying to make a quick homemade meal like my husband wanted.

What's wrong with mac and cheese? I mean, nothing. At face value, it's absurd. She just had a baby. She's taking care of the baby. She's feeding the baby. He doesn't sound like the husband is much help at all. It sounds very traditional,

but I guess my biggest question of all this is back to the original couple like till death do us happiness only. This sound like I'm curious is like she's writing this story as if she met her husband a week before they got married and she's now finding out that his parents are incredibly traditional. Keeping up with their culture is very important to them and it's a value system that they have and she's just like, what the fuck? She's like, I just don't get that.

You know what I'm saying? Like I'm just, what were they doing when they were dating or engaged where she didn't get a sense of like these expectations? And not that that means that she has to do that. I'm just more surprised how like I'm just, I would really want to know. I have more questions. I want to know like, how did we get to this point where why didn't they see him in the first month?

And then, you know, like, because it seems crazy that she doesn't sound like someone who wants to be like responsible for all the house chores. Like that's, you know, like, yeah, which most people aren't these days. No, it's typically like a team, a joint effort. But he sounds very traditional. His family sounds very traditional. Yes. That's my confusion is like how they got to this point.

Sounds like a lot of like miscommunication. I think like, obviously she's not the asshole. Like you one got blindsided. You had no idea they were coming. If that was the case, you knew they were coming. Maybe she would have been able to prepare something more elaborate. But like, again, she just gave birth four weeks ago. Who knows if her birth was traumatic?

Who knows if she had a C-section? If you have a C-section, like you're cutting through seven layers of tissue, like skin, fat, like all of these different layers, the minimum time for healing is six weeks. So like, we're very behind in America. Like a lot of countries will give the partner six weeks off work because the one who went through that can't do shit. So no mention of that. But like, who knows?

Sounds like a bad relationship with the in-laws. But again, it's kind of one of these things where it's like... I think it's absurd to be clear that like she didn't help. But just the fact that like it wasn't even on his... It doesn't sound like it was even on his radar. Like it almost sounds like the way she tells a story that his family would even have been offended had he got up to help. Like they were catching up with him and the baby.

And she makes it sound like it was her literal job in their point of view, which again, to me sounds insane. I'm just wondering how they got here. How did the wires get so crossed? Yeah, and if that's not something she was down for and I wouldn't be down for it, and I would expect her not to be down for it, but why did she get married to this guy? Yeah. Well, the fact too, like when she says...

Like I was forced to learn how to cook their traditional feast from his mom. At what point was that in the relationship? Yeah. Because if that was me and my boyfriend was like, you are learning these fucking meals with my mom, get in the kitchen, bitch. I would be like, goodbye. Yeah, or I would be like, listen, I love you and your family, but I'm not a traditional person.

So like I'm down to like participate. But if you don't respect the fact that I'm, this is not me, then maybe you want someone who's more traditional. Like this is a non-negotiable. Like if these two are dating and they were like, oh, here's your situation, what should we do? And let's say they called up and like, you know, I want my girlfriend to like embrace my culture. It's really important to me.

And she's just like, I don't know. I want to support him. I want to participate, but like I don't love everything they do. And I would be like, this is a valid reason to break up and to make you sad. And but like, if no one's willing to bend here, this is... There's got to be some compromise or walk away. And there's a lot of people, like they don't want to compromise on the core principles that they hold.

And if they don't want to, that's fine. I just think it's insane that people will date and pretend like these non-negotiables are like some sort of like pet peeve they can overcome or they'll come around or just like... I think a lot of people think that like they can change their partner or like they'll come around eventually. They'll get used to it. And so, yeah, I have a lot of questions that... So I think we're making...

We're guessing a lot or feeling in a lot of holes. Yeah. She's definitely not the asshole. Like I think she should, because she hasn't already, have a very honest conversation with her husband about like what she is willing to do and what she expects of him. Like, hey, I need your help. I need you to participate.

And I don't really care if that your mom didn't do that when she had you. Yeah. Like, I want you to do that. I can't feed our kid and feed your family. No. So, so fair to like just be like, I'm sorry, like I'm still recovering. Can you help this once or whatever? And I...

She's not recovering anymore. Yeah. It's just like... OP comments a lot. So we do get some answers to that. I will just say too, like when it comes to meshing cultures, like she could have also had a very like negative approach to this. Like kind of what you're saying, like maybe she wanted to appreciate it,

but like it just wasn't for her. And so I think that would also depend like how this whole relationship has played out. The only red flag on her part is, and it might be totally justified, was grandma and grandpa didn't get to see the kid for a month. Have an answer for that. Okay. So someone comments, not the asshole, but really dot, dot, dot keeping his family from seeing the baby for a month.

Yikes. And so OP responds, I mean, they wanted to visit several times, but it didn't happen because of a number of reasons like timing and health issues on my part. So... And justifiable. I mean, it's... Yeah. A lot of people are like, why did your husband not tell you?

Also, does he need a map to the kitchen? Also, traditionally, family bring food to the new mom. Oh, it depends on the tradition. Not the other way around. And so she responds, no idea. Like I promise I'm not one of those women that would freak out when people come visit, but to be caught off guard like that. Nope.

That's the problem I have with him. Him believing that guests aren't just the invite, but anyone who knocks on the door and enters the house. And then someone else goes, not the asshole. They should have came bearing gifts and food. This is crazy. And OP goes, I think that the reason they didn't bring anything was because they thought I didn't want them over and was keeping their grandbaby away from them.

When in reality, the reason they couldn't visit until now was because of my health and the timing they previously picked, which didn't work for me. Of course, my husband wasn't happy. His family couldn't meet our son sooner. But what was I supposed to do? Well, also, like a lot of the commenters assumed like culture. Yeah. He mentioned, did he say Asian or Chinese?

She puts Asian, so no specifics of what that culture is. Potentially different cultures than, say, a Christian culture. But it could definitely be different. And there's definitely very different cultural expectations with, whether you bring something or not bring something, whether they can be very different. So it sounds like, and that's what I'm just kind of surprised that she just didn't know some of these are like leading up, given how important it seemed to be to his family. You know what I'm saying?

That's what I know. Like it's one thing to be like, yeah, my parents are super traditional, but I'm not. So she, like the couple doesn't really get involved with like, you know, I grew up very Catholic, right? I'm not, and it's not like I'm like pouring all these Catholic traditions onto Natalie, because when she sees my family, she needs to know because my family, it's not that big of a deal to them. But if it was, like, I would give her that heads up before we got married,

you know, so it wouldn't be a surprise. There's a lot going on here. I think this is another one where therapy would be very beneficial, because I think all of this, like aside, the way he's reacting to this problem too, by like stonewalling her, giving her the cold shoulder, is one of the most unhealthy communication tactics you can use. Like that is literally one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. If you're familiar with like John Gottman and like his relationship book,

it's like, it's like one of the biggest signs that a relationship is going to fail is like stonewalling. And so like, yeah, this is like, she's not the asshole. She's going through a lot, a lot of dynamics here. Why was it a month, health issues, whatever it is, but at their root cause of this, their communication is still struggling so hard. Yeah, I'd be curious what John Gottman has to say about like, how often stonewalling happens in like these kind of what these non-negotiable situations,

because we're talking about just different like ideologies. They're just coming from two different places. You know what I'm saying? Like their expectations are so off and they both feel that's what, you know, and that's what's so challenging about these situations. I mean, I know what stonewalling is, but I don't, I'm not an expert in that stuff. So I don't begin to try to understand it and diagnose it. But it's tough in situations where both people feel like the other person's kind of nuts

from their point of view. And I feel like that stonewalling comes from the place of like, just not being able to empathize with their partner. Which makes you wonder, how do they get this far? And that's my big question. How did you get yourself in this mess? Well, and I just wonder what the relationship with the in-laws was before this because if this is like a one-off where she just had the baby and it's been a month or whatever,

it doesn't seem like their reaction and they're like, dislike for her or whatever is happening here is just like a one-off situation. It sounds like things weren't super happy and good on the start line like before this. Yeah. Cause like, you know, who are we to say, you know, like she, she referenced health issues. It's kind of vague. Was it a cold or birth complications? Like, yeah, and all are justified. But again, like in everyone's different, but I feel like I feel, and you tell me,

but I feel like the norm would be short of a very serious health condition that the, the grandmas and grandpas would be seeing the kid, you know, as soon as possible. Yeah. I think, you know, COVID kind of changed up that for a lot of people. That's true too. I used to see a lot of like videos on TikTok where people would be like standing on the porch with the baby while the in-laws waved from the sidewalk. That's true too. Yeah. So, you know, I'm also curious if her parents saw the kid.

That's what I want to know. And I didn't see it in the comments. So, I don't know if her family are involved or anything like that, but there's no mention of her parents meeting the baby either. So, that's a big like unknown because what maybe, maybe her parents has passed away. Maybe she doesn't have parents. And maybe this is a story subject. It could be, yeah, a lot of big question though. That's a big question. I know this one, there's a lot here.

And it would be too oversimplified to call anyone an asshole. Like they're definitely, his family is being the asshole. If anyone's an asshole, it's them. Yes. But her question. I'm just curious as to how this happened. It is just so goofy to me. I just, I see. I also think macaroni and cheese is totally fine. I love mac and cheese. And there's some gourmet mac and cheese.

You put like some like Parmesan on there. You have four cheese mac and cheese. She doesn't even specify if it was craft. It could have been five store. And it's also interesting like the way his mom handled it. She sounds like his mom again, very traditional, probably takes great pride and kind of running the household, so to speak, right? And everything that's involved. They have completely different points of view on life, I guess, which is fine.

But they just have to figure out how to, you know, come together or understand one another. Or learn how to co-parent after that divorce. Yeah. It doesn't, it's not going to. It's a mess. And I hope she, yeah, I hope she doesn't give in. No, I hope she stands her ground. For sure. You would feel like, wouldn't you just kind of feel like a, almost a prisoner?

Yes. I have to, I have to act this way to make my husband and his family like A, approve me and happy. Or just respect me, basic respect. Yeah. That's very sad. Yeah. Very sad.

Like a bummer. It does. Okay. Why are these people getting married? I know. That's what like, I look at so many shows that you see, like I watched 90 Day Fiance recently. And just some of the shows I'm like, granted, that one's like so absurd. But even like some other shows, like House Hunters.

And I'm like, why, like, why are you guys together? You're miserable. Like, why are you doing this? Well, that's goofy. Walk the dogs, school drop off, meetings from 10 to 3, take kids to soccer, then no time left for a jog. When everyone else is relying on you, it's easy to put your needs last. BetterHelp connects you with a licensed therapist online. So you can show up for yourself the way you do for others.

Find more balance with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. That's better, H-E-L-P.com. Okay. One more before I let you off the hook. Am I the asshole for letting my family and friends disrespect my boyfriend by calling him by his first name? What are you, is that got a nickname? My boyfriend, 32 male, is a doctor.

I met him through my dad back when we were traveling and after we started dating, he started coming over to my hometown to visit. When I introduced him to my family and friends, I told them his full name, then occupation, then mentioned the other stuff like age, hometown, etc. All good until months later, when he started complaining about my family and friends, referring to him by his first name and not putting doctor before it. I found this stream. I told him that his professional title, but as a society, we use first names, nicknames, etc.

He said he can't help but feel annoyed, especially considering that, quote, these people don't know him well, but it's been eight months now. Is there a boyfriend and girlfriend? Yeah. Okay. These people? These people. He said once we're married or engaged, then they can start referring to him using his first name.

Break up, break up. I'm done with this guy. Recently, he started correcting whoever my friends or family are that call him by his first name. His tone becomes aggressive and then he goes on a long lecture about how they should put doctor before mentioning his name. It's become exhausting because my friends- This guy's intolerable.

Because my friends and family can't understand his strange hang up and he keeps picking fights with them about it. Last night, we were visiting my parents and my dad called him Justin instead of Dr. Justin. My boyfriend started arguing with him, which caused a huge fight in the house and we ended up leaving in the car. He went off on me saying I'm letting my family and friends disrespect him continually by letting them call him with just his first name. I told him he was at fault here and he was being unreasonable because he's expecting

because what he's expecting is bizarre. He said he takes pride in his profession and that he sacrificed so much to get where he is today and my family and friends literally lose nothing if they respect his wishes. He called me and an enabler and said that siding with them paints me in a bad light and advised me to step up and take a stand. But again, I thought he was overreacting and being hostile for no reason. We got home and he shut me down and refused to speak to me. Mom called me later and we talked a bit.

Today, he's gone completely radio sysilent, but the look on his face is telling. Am I the asshole? Did it just break up? Be done. This is absurd. Listen, he has the right to feel how he feels. It's absurd. Find someone who's so obsessed with doctors that they want to call you a doctor.

Dr. Justin. What is the etiquette on doctors? Like, if you're not my doctor. I'm a doctor. I'm literally a doctor, technically. I have a doctor degree. I don't go around being like, hi, I'm Dr. Morgan. Yeah.

I don't even acknowledge that I have a doctorate. That's not a thing, right? For all doctors to just expect everyone to call them doctors. If you're not their doctor. People with PhDs are technically doctors. Chiropractors are doctors. There's so many different doctors. But even like a surgeon, like a brain MD, who kind of have that godlike complex.

Do they even expect like? I think if you're in the hospital and you're their patient. Sure. If you're in the hospital, if you're like a surgical like a rep, you know, and you call on a doctor. Yeah. Professionally or patient-wise. Anything professional, call him doctor.

But. I'm blown away by the ego on this man. Or the insecurity, the fact that he needs to like feel this reassurance like, like, oh bow down, Dr. Justin. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure there's insecurities, but it seems like it comes more from a, like he said, he wants other people to acknowledge the work he thinks he put into it. Yeah.

Right. And he wants other people to. Yeah. I mean, it's just absurd. Pump his tires. He wants his tires to be pumped. Do you imagine like whatever profession? Like just because it's a doctor, like, you know, like podcasters are out there.

Like we decided we had some sort of designation to be referred by. Oh my gosh. You know, like, why? Like. I'd be embarrassed for ourselves. You know, it's just absurd. It is. And there's no mention of what kind of doctor he even is.

Yeah. It could be, it could be a. It could be like me. He's no T. Like. Yeah. It could be foot doctor, foot. We have no idea.

And like everyone works hard to get where they're at. Just because you're not a doctor, you could be a plumber, electrician, you could be a tradesperson, you could be whatever the fuck you are. Doesn't mean you didn't work hard to get there. Also like what about, so, and if I were just to argue with this guy for fun, which I would really enjoy. Because he's talking about like, again, we're talking about like traditions here. Right.

So he has in his head that as a doctor, traditionally, like it's a sign of respect. I've earned this. Like it's the, you respect the community of doctors. But what about respecting your elders? What about that tradition? Yeah. And so he's expecting the father of the woman he says he loves, that he's even like discussing marriage and he wants that person to refer to him as doctor.

Does he call him sir? That's a good question. Very good question. Let's see if there's any comments from. I don't know. I don't know why she's holding on to this relationship so hard either. Like. People hold on to relationships.

I know. Low pass relationship. I know. God, the ones I've just, I know. We've all been there. Also, she probably loves that he's a doctor. Maybe. I mean, I don't know.

So one of the comments, you're the asshole. Doctors are pretty important to our society. Someone said, what? Yeah. And deserve our respect. And some, some more doctor. Well, their username is blind optometrist. Okay.

So there you go. So OP responds. Yeah. An optometrist who's like, like my brother's a dentist. I don't call him a doctor. But technically he is. I know he is a doctor. Yeah.

Oh my God. So he definitely doesn't go like, but like, you know, the optometrist or the dentist, they might have a little bit of the chiropractor. Got a chip on their shoulder. Maybe chip on their shoulder because like people don't treat them like, you know, well, you're not an MD or whatever. Yeah. I could see it.

I could see certain people in those fields having the ego. Yes. You know, the certain dentists or certain optometrists who like, you know, like overcompensate. 1000%. I literally just saw a TikTok the other day that was about like an in-flight emergency. And so I was a flight attendant too. You were?

Yeah. I've done, I've done like everything. Good for you. So, you know, as there's like a medical emergency or like you page over the system, you're like, is there a doctor on board? And this chiropractor made a video and he's like, he's like, I typically wouldn't stand up. I saved the day.

This man thought he was having a heart attack and I gave him an adjustment and he was fine. And I think like, I think in that sense, like kind of like with the chip on the shoulder thing, I think if you're going to, if you're the person that can respond in a medical emergency on a plane, like you're typically a doctor. And I think those that are, that wouldn't like the chiropractor, the dentist might not respond in a medical emergency. Those people that aren't traditionally doctors responding in those sense, that might be the way you categorize like chip on your shoulder or not.

So it's just interesting to me. Yeah. I mean, my girlfriend's a surgical tech, not a doctor, but she helps in surgeries and she gave mouth to mouth to someone on a plane and helped and they were fine. That's really cool. She did not expect people to refer to her as doctor or just went about her day. Yeah. You know, like you can be helpful without expecting something in return.

For sure. It's just like, I think I'm just like trying to process like, where is this, this need for reassurance that you're a doctor coming from? Like, do you not get it enough every single day in your job? Probably not. Yeah. Or this, there's a sense of, you know, Yeah.

Maybe they had a masculine at home or something. I don't know. OP does respond to that one. She's like, my family has been absolutely nothing but respectful to him. They consider him family. That's why they found it hard to say doctor every time. I couldn't imagine. Yeah.

Someone else. If my brother came back after he graduated from dental school, an incredible accomplishment. I think it's huge. You know, no one's done that in our family. Yeah. I'd be like, go fuck yourself. Like, yeah.

Call me doctor Luke now. I'm like, bro. No. And that's not to say people that don't have that traditional like MD or DO or whatever aren't just as qualified or didn't work just as hard. Like, I know CPR. I could help in an emergency too. It's just, if he was a brain surgeon, I would have told him like,

no matter what he is. Yeah. And this guy, no matter what you are, we're still telling you, you're an asshole. You're being weird about it. Yeah. Someone else, someone else goes just like info. I'm curious about his cultural background.

If he's not American, I could see very well. It could be a cultural difference. They're just like kind of going into like ask more things. Like if he's American though, it definitely sounds like he's a huge snob. Because that's definitely not something we usually do here. OP responds, no, no cultural aspects of any kind here. We're both from the same background. Just not the same town.

He just has a massive ego. He has great expectations for himself and how he expects other people to treat him. Yeah. And I feel like that's as far as it goes. Some people only think about how people should treat them and they don't ever think about how other people want to be treated. He wants to be called doctor by this guy's dad

with no like respect for authority or elders. I doubt he calls him sir. No chance. No, it seems like a very one-sided street with this. Top comment on this one with 19,000 upvotes. I smell a narcissist, which not they're not, you can't diagnose him, but very self-centered and OP responds, oh, you mean my boyfriend?

Honestly, after what he did, I'm just not sure if he's reasonable or rational. And someone goes, yeah, God complex here. Co-parenting with this person. I know. Are your kids going to call you Dr. Justin until they grow up? Not only that, but this is someone who's very like, I doubt they concede much of anything.

No. Very difficult situation trying to communicate or like find common ground or compromise with this person. Yeah. He definitely sees himself as a level of authority and I doubt it stops past whatever he went to school for. Nope. This bleeds into every aspect of his life, clearly.

And he's like, he can't handle this. No. He's not just like annoyed. No. He's like calling her an enabler too. I'm just, this one, this one's crazy. My intern, Alex found this one. It's her last day today.

So thank you, Alex. Well, that's all I have for you. This is fun. This is really good. You had such good insight and questions and now we need to like send all of these people the video and just be like, keep us updated. We need to know.

There's no update on this doctor one. It was just posted 22 hours ago. Yeah, I just, I want some updates on some of them. I know. I'm really curious about macaroni and cheese. I will keep an eye on that one. I'll message her and ask for a personal update. I'll let you know.

Just be like, was this all a surprise? Yeah. Did this not come up before you got engaged? I'll ask about her parents as well. Because that one was posted two days ago too. So. Yeah, her parents is a big question. Big question mark there.

Because like, what if mom and dad are still alive and met and met junior like a week right after or was in the delivery room? I mean, then you got some double standards and that's that's a problem. For sure. Where can people find you? You can find me at nick vile on Instagram and tiktok. Okay.

And you have your podcast. I'm a podcast of vile files Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. If you like this type of stuff, we do every Monday we have an ass nick episode where people call in for relationship advice or just advice in general. Usually relationship focus, sometimes family focus, sometimes friend focused. And I just, I just give my point of view on how I see the situation and I try to give a more honest point of view. So like, you know, whether they're kind of an investment in it and people find it entertaining

and helpful. Yeah. But it's just meant to try to make you feel a little bit more in control or empowered when it comes to your own kind of choices. Yeah, I like that. I'm joining you this upcoming Monday. You are. So by the time this episode comes out, you can go and watch that episode with me and Nick.

Yeah. And we'll be that that one will be talking all things like some pop culture, but we're talking some Johnny Depp Amber Heard. Oh God, I'm so invested. We have a doctor therapist calling in to give us some breakdown that we'll ask questions. I like it. It'll be good. Well, thank you.

So yeah, anywhere you listen to podcasts. Yeah, I love this. This was so much fun. Thank you for coming on. Thanks for having me. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Until next time, guys. Bye.

Bye. Hi, Jan from Toyota speaking. Jan, I heard it's a good time to buy Toyota. Sure is. From now until April 4th. You can shop all your favorites like Corolla, RAV4, Sequoia and more. Imagine yourself in a new tundra where you stopped by the home improvement store and finally built that tree house you promised your daughter.

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