Two In The Think Tank - 05 - "Over A Bowling Alley"

Episode Date: June 17, 2013

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Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hi. Yeah, that was a good one. Yeah?

No. Yeah, no, maybe. It was good. It was a welcome to two in the think tank. Yep. Show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. Five of them. Often we get seven.

Often we do. Because we don't have confidence in at least one of the five, so we go, all right, we'll give it an extra one. Yeah. And then it's very easy to get an extra two. Awesome. Two. Yeah.

When you want to quit, that's when ideas come. Yep. Yeah, you know when you want to quit your job? That's when you do your best work. Yeah. Yeah. Because you don't give a shit no more. That's great.

It's when you stop caring, man. That's when you really become a very effective engineer doctor parliamentarian because there are some things where like people say yeah you know it was when i stopped caring yeah like in artistic pursuits and stuff you know it's when you stop caring that's when you get really good yeah like plane pilot yeah i just stopped caring i just you, like all those lives that I had in my hand, I didn't care anymore. Yeah. And I suddenly, I could fly so good. Yeah. I landed that plane softer than any man has ever done it because I didn't give a shit because I didn't care. That's almost a sketch. How does that, how does that become a sketch like i guess maybe you could be interviewing a pilot who who's just done some amazing landing or something yeah saved a whole lot of people's lives i mean it

could be like a documentary filmmaker who's making a movie about this phenomena yeah and then he found out it's more widespread than he thought. He'd heard an artist friend say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. That's good. Like, yeah, he's interviewing an artist. The artist is like, yeah, when I stopped caring, that's when I started to do some great work. And then he's like, oh, that's interesting.

And then in the next scene, he's interviewing, like, a pilot or something. or something. When I started doing my best of work. Great. That's number one? Yep.

Oh my god. We must have stopped caring. We didn't give a shit at all. We were just too busy just riffing. Riffing. Riffing on not caring.

I'm too drunk to care. Which is when I drive my best. I don't care the least when I'm unconscious. Yeah. And that's often when I'm not fucking things up. Which is what I consider my best work. My least worst work. You see how everything here isn't in the worst condition that it was after a bit?

Before I started doing the thing I was just doing? That's because the thing I was just doing was being unconscious drunk. Yeah. Yeah. My family. My family. My children went onpanked. My wife went un-argued with.

Undissatisfied. Yeah, she was undissatisfied. Actually, me passing out means that she has more time to please herself. There you go. Exactly. I was giving you time to please yourself. What do you mean I wasn't there for you? I was giving you go. Exactly. I was giving you time to please yourself. What do you mean I wasn't there for you? I was giving you space.

I like this expression. You broke every rule in the book. Every rule? Yes. I mean, did you write down the rule where we have to abide by the laws of gravity? Every rule in the book. But you wrote that rule down? Yeah.

That feels like... I wrote that in the book. But what book is this? The Standard Operating Manual for a John Deere threshing machine. Threshing? Yeah. You broke every rule in the book. But when do they say that? They say that about...

They say that in like law things or something like... Oh, right. Or maybe not law. No. I think breaking every rule in the book is... Oh, no, yeah. They'd say that like in Starsky and Hatch or something. You know, if the guy's got in trouble, they'd be like, you guys broke every rule in the book. Right., no, yeah, they'd say that like in Starsky and Hutch or something, you know, if the guy's got in trouble, they'd be like, you guys broke every rule in the book.

Right, I thought you were talking about like... They should technically be the people going to jail. Yeah. Okay, okay. Because I thought that you were referring to like somebody, like a filmmaker or a sports person who had performed really well, but like broke every rule in the book like

ah no no no when you when you hustle you gotta do this and that right there but but he didn't he jumped right over all of them i actually thought i understood what you were talking about but i realized that well i thought i thought the book maybe was like a strategy book. Okay. And he's like writing a new strategy book with new techniques rather than a rule book. Okay. But it's a rule. You broke every rule, not every strategy. You broke all my strategies.

Oh, man, that didn't go well. You disregarded all common sense. But, like, breaking every rule in the book, it's funny in some way. Yeah. Like, who's an inappropriate person to do that? A plane pilot. Yeah. Oh, my God.

You broke every rule in the book. Hmm. Yeah. Oh my god. You broke every rule in the book. Hmm. Yeah, I think I'm laughing and then I'm realizing that I don't know what I'm laughing at. That's fine, that's fine. Look, they're not all going to be gold, you know, gold-plated. When I stopped caring, that's when I started doing my best work, you know? We got a freebie up front. We got a freebie up front. We got a freebie up front.

Like, you know, it's like you walk into a gallery opening, get a glass of champagne. Champagne? Yeah, that's your freebie up front. But then you got to suffer through all that art you got to watch. Watch. You got to watch this art.

I've been watching this painting. Have you watched this painting over here? Oh, it's great. I don't know why watching is more specific to TV or something that goes for a long time, and looking gets painting. Yeah, why can't you look at a TV show and watch a painting? Yeah. Because...

Bird looking. Watching implies taking notice of changes. Yeah. Maybe. You know, there are a lot of changes on the microscopic level happening on a painting. Yeah, well, you could probably watch the microscopic changes, but because they occur at a scale smaller

than can be seen by the human eye, you just have to look at the overall effect, which is of nothing changing. Of paint just sitting there. Yeah, okay. But when you said you almost mispronounced human, I thought, what if the hymen did have an eye? Is there a sketch in that? Hymen rights. The hymen did have an eye? Is there a sketch in that? Hymen rights. The hymen rights commission. The hymen...

Women hate it when you talk about their vaginas. Do they? I think so. I think any time a guy tries to go do a period joke or something like that, girls go, oh. A period joke, like one about the Elizabethan era? About the, yeah, they don't like it. Because they love Jane Eyre.

That's all of them. All of them, they love Jane Eyre. Don't you make any period jokes. Yeah. Yeah. Pride and Prejudice is above comedy. Yeah. So don't go making any period jokes.

Don't make any jokes about Pride and Prejudice. Don't make jokes about Broccoli. I had no reason for that to say that. No, you didn't. You're being wacky. Yeah, I'm being wacky, but I thought maybe after I said Broccoli, I'd be painted into a corner where I'd have to find something funny. Oh, right. It's inappropriate. But you can make fun of them because they look like little trees. And you're allowed to make fun of big trees. Why is a painting called a painting when a sculpture isn't called a sculpting?

Or a movie is not called a movie making. Yeah. These are my movie makings. Have you seen my movie makings? My latest movie makings Have you seen my movie makings? My latest movie makings Yeah, or my Other thing with the verb after it Ing

Ing My bakings Yeah, bakings That's kind of fun Yeah Referring to like Little cakes and stuff as bakings Yeah

Babies, lovings Babies, lovings? Babies, lovings? No, babies are lovings. Oh, right. Yeah. Or my lovemakings. Oh. My seed, my sprog.

What the child is, it's like, this is my creation, this is my... I made this. I made this using my genes. I grew it in the belly of my wife. Look at this thing I grew in the belly of my wife. I placed it

in her womb and it grew. I feel like the guy is a pirate. Or he has spent some time on a boat. I feel like he guy is a pirate or he has spent some time on a boat I feel like he's a magician or like a wizard I'm imagining a brown jacket and a beard

okay he spent time at sea he's a fisherman but he's retired from fishing he's hunted whales he's a whaler, he's a retired whaler but he's retired from fishing. He's hunted whales. Yeah. Yeah. He's a whaler.

He's a retired whaler. But he's in the modern day. Yeah. And he's having some people around. His wife is fine. She works in advertising. Yeah. And his child walks into the room. Yeah.

But it could be also like a 25-year-old man. Yeah. And then he's like, this is my child. Look at what I made. Look at how he has grown. Yeah. And then he's like, this is my child. Look at what I made. Look at how he has grown. Yes. Strong. I feed him every day.

Yes, these are my penis drippings that I grew in my wife's gut. In the belly of a wife. Yeah. Like in the belly of a whale, but like... Yeah. Because he'd be all about in the belly of a wife. Yeah. Like in the belly of a whale, but like...

Yeah. Because he'd be all about in the belly of something. It's the belly of something that I think made me think that he was a fisherman. Right, yeah. In the belly of a beast. A beast. My wife. Of my wife beast.

Look what I found in the belly of this beast. It's my child. I split her open via cesarean section. And what did I discover within? I'm actually a doctor. Okay, so he's a naval doctor.

Yeah, well he's a naval doctor. We must go into the belly of this beast. He's a naval doctor. We must go into the belly of this beast. He's a doctor. He's just a regular doctor, but he has the personality of a whaler. A 15th century whaler. Yes. There is something within. Hey, when was When did

Oh wait I'm just gonna write that down It's a It's more of a character piece But I think it's a Yeah we don't normally do characters So that's kind of fun right It's a doctor with

He's just Doctor with Personality Of A Of A Fifteen

Oh Century I don't know why It's fifth century. There's no reason. It's just not this century. Yeah. Whaler.

Okay. Says belly of the something. We killed them essentially for their juice, right? Like their whale juice, their blubber. Are there any other animals that we kill for their juice? Oranges. Good. Correct. Yeah? Oranges. Good. Correct.

Yeah. Orangetangs. Orangetangs. Kill them for their juice. You never say, like, oh, yeah, we're just getting some whale juice. Whale juice. Yeah. I guess we juice cows.

We juice, yeah. You don't kill them for the juice. It's good you don't have to kill cows to get milk. Oh, that'd be shit. That juice, yeah. We don't kill them for the juice. It's good you don't have to kill cows to get milk. Oh, that'd be shit. That'd be worse. That'd be worse. But then you'd also

get a meal out of it. So, you know, it's a meal with a drink. Actually, that's probably what happened with, I don't know, you wouldn't drink the whale blubber,

would you? No, you burn it. You know. Yeah, or you make ink out of it. Oh, really? Well, that was what my thesis was about at uni. Oh, that's right.

Yeah. You did a thesis. Whether or not they did. Yeah, I did a thesis. I don't even have a copy. That's how little I give a shit about it. It's so weird that that was your thing. It was studying ink samples to determine whether or not

they had been made from whale oil because they'd run out of flaxseed oil and your results were inconclusive well we're it's a possibility but well basically when i handed it to the person at the national gallery they were like after they read, or read some of it, they went, it really raises more questions than answers. Yeah. Yeah. That's the point of a thesis, right? I guess so. Yeah.

You guys, what were your questions? Because I got more for you. But I was going to ask, when did English... Fire away. When did English come about? The language? Oh. Like, I think...

Well, there's old English right That was sort of Chaucer's time And he was like 1500s I think Yeah 14, 1500s So it would be before then 1066 and all that

That was the northern invasion That's when the French came So like it's sometime between 1066 and later on. I think it's something that may be around. Like, it's sort of... I don't think it's been around for a thousand years. No, but it sort of evolved over that time. Yeah.

Because whatever they were speaking before then, Anglo, in England, the Angles, and then the Normans came over and invaded from France and brought their French words. Yeah. And then that sort of blended in with what they were already speaking. So is that a sketch? No, I guess that's weird. Yeah, Charles was English, so you wouldn't really call it English, would you? Because it's pretty impossible to understand, isn't it?

Like, if you haven't had any learned... Yeah, you're probably right. I don't actually know if you're right. Maybe Chaucer was the 1200s. No, I think Chaucer might have been later. Okay. I mean, I can look it up. He was before Shakespeare, though, right?

Yeah, maybe. He's pre-Shake. Yeah, he's pre-Shakes. Pre-Shakes. Do people refer to Shakespeare as Shakes? I know Charles Barrington refers to him as MC Shakes. Okay. Yeah.

What bullet through yonder window breaks? Just another drive-by from MC Shakes. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, it's Charles Barrington's Shakespeare rap. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah, and also MC Beth. MC Beth, yeah, cool.

And MC Duff. Who's... Macduff. Who's that? He's the guy who killed Macbeth. No man of woman born can kill Macbeth, and Macduff was a Caesarean section. So he was not born of woman, which I think is a dodgy technicality, because I think he was still of woman born. Yeah, but...

How crazy is it that they had Caesarian sections at the time of Shakespeare? Oh my God. Well, I mean, are they called the Caesarian section because of the Caesar? I don't think... I don't know. It's either Caesar salad or Caesarian sections, which have got nothing to do with Caesar. Okay. But I don't know which one it is. I mean, it's... I doubt it wouldn't be.

Caesar salad is the king of all salads. Yeah. That's definitely related. I mean, what do you think is the best salad? It's probably Caesar, isn't it? I've never had a Caesar salad, I don't think. Because when you became a vegetarian, you were too young. It was before you.

Yeah, that was pretty much it. I think that's the kind of salad that you're only exposed to in your adult life, right? Oh, I don't know. I've been having Caesar salads. You don't see kids. You don't see teens tucking into a Caesar salad. I haven't had a Caesar salad for so long. You know what?

I could really go a big bowl of Caesar salad right now. Yeah? Well, that's good, Al, because guess what I've got right here. Oh, my God. With bacon? Oh, this is the best. I'm reaching into my bag. Oh, my God.

Here it comes. Here it comes. Oh, it's a Caesar salad. Oh, it's a C-section. Oh. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's a baby. I grew this in the belly of my god. Yeah. It's a baby.

I grew this in the belly of my wife. Well, I hope this baby that was born of no woman doesn't end up killing some Scottish lady. King. Is Macbeth a man? It's a girl's name, though. I forget. It's a surname.

Oh, it's his last name? Yeah. Macbeth. Is Macbeth a man? Oh, you're thinking of the Beth. You're focusing on the Beth. I think so, but I think... What about the Duff, as in Macduff?

Does that make you think of Hilary Duff? No, no, that's a male. That's a male. Duff beer. It's a man's drink. Up the Duff. Yeah. Up the Duff is pregnant.

Yeah. And then McDuff is... Son of pregnant. ...is when you get a caesarean section. I don't know what I'm saying. Yeah, no, but... But muck means son of. Making connections where there aren't...

So it's son of pregnancy. Son of pregnancy. Yeah. So he was a woman born. Yeah. It's there in the name. No, he was born of a pregnancy. Oh, pregnancy born. That. It's there in the name. No, he was born of a pregnancy. Ah, pregnancy born.

That was the pregnancy that had the baby. Congratulations to the pregnancy on producing this child. It's like, if you could just take the credit away from the mother anymore. This was a really great pregnancy. I just I want to thank God and the pregnancy For this life What about me honey

Who are you I'm your wife I carried this child Like Yeah thanks for bringing it into the room I appreciate it No like I carried it inside me. Well, it was close to you for a lot of the pregnancy.

But I really think it's the pregnancy's fault. Like you wouldn't, you wouldn't thank, I wouldn't thank you for your hair growing. Like for growing that hair. It's the follicles. It's the hair growth that grew the hair. I see. That's the follicles. It's the hair growth that grew the hair. I see. That makes sense.

Yeah. I'm not going to thank you for producing saliva. No, that was the salival glands. That was... When I thank... When I give thanks for saliva, it's the saliva glands that I thank. Yeah, I think...

It's not... I thank saliva production. Yeah. And when I make money, I thank the free market. Yeah. Ah, the free market. I like market-based solutions to things that don't need a market-based solution. You know?

Like giving birth? Yeah. A market-based solution. Like trying to come up with a market-based solution to baldness or something. I think that's a funny thing to do. How do we attach a monetary value to baldness so that we can tax baldness and have it included as a part of the market? The Advanced Hair Studio has come up with a follicle tax.

To give hair follicles... An incentive. Yeah, men an incentive to grow hair. To grow hair, yep. Of their own accord. That if they don't grow hair, then they will be encumbered so heavily monetarily that they will probably perish. And we're just tying together evolution and marketplace. And the market.

Yeah. Yeah. You're going to be penalized. Which sounds like a dirty word, but it isn't. Yeah. Ah. No, I meant a dirty word. You're going to get penalized.

You're going to get... You are going to get penalized. You're gonna get... You are gonna get penalized. Oh boy. Hello. Why do you think they call it a penal colony? You're gonna get... There's something that's gonna enter your belly.

In the belly of the beast. I placed my harpoon in the belly of the beast. And loosed a stream of my ablest semen. They fought their way to the very center of the creature. The creature. And? And there they laid siege to her...

Her castle. I don't know. Her... Spoils? Her spoils. Yeah? Yes. What else did they do?

They breached the hull of this circular fortress. Yes. And once within, delivered their precious cargo. And? And with that, a new era was born. Yes, there in the fires And the destruction of that Sacred place And I would like to thank The academy for giving me this award

And the pregnancy I would like to thank The awarding process For this Oscar For this great Oscar I would like to thank Whatever process took place To allow the Academy to reach a decision because that was the process that delivered to me this award for the most convincing portrayal

of a doctor who has the personality of a 15th century seaman. Whaler. Whaler. Probably English. I think I did quite well. Yeah,. Whaler. Probably English. I think I did quite well. Yeah, I think you did really well. I managed to pull together quite a bit of stuff there. Quite a bit of naval lingo.

Pull together, boys! Yeah. That was nice. Thank you. Thank you for doing that. I'd like to thank the thought process. And the vocal cord emission. Yeah, I would like to thank the vibration of the vocal cords and also the mental processing

that is able to convert the movement of heads within my inner ear into a recognizable series of electrical signals that allow me to understand. series of electrical signals that allow me to understand. I'd like to think physics. But not like the physics that we learn, but like the actual physics of the universe. And while we're at it, the big banging process.

The big banging. There was a big banging. The universe began with a big banging. Like a knock at the door. There was a big banging. The universe began with a big banging. Like a knock at the door. There was a knock at the door of the universe. And suddenly life entered. That was not the big bang. It was like another dimension trying to get in.

Hello? Hello? Yeah. They speak a funny accent. Hello? Hello? Hello? Can we come in?

We have Matter. Hello. I'm here to deliver accent. Hello. Hello. Hello. Can we come in? We have matter. Hello. I'm here to deliver matter. Hello. I know there's nothing here, but we're going to lay down a few things. And we're going to put some stuff over here. And did we mention we're foreign? I know you don't probably have space for it right now, but I'll tell you what.

We'll build the space. Yeah. We'll build. Oh, no. We'll do what, we'll build the space. Yeah, we'll build, oh no, we'll do everything. We'll put the space in. Hello? Is there anyone in here at all? Okay, look, I'm just going to come in, alright? I'm sorry if anybody is naked. I doubt they are. I've made a little hole through which I can start passing things through. Okay, I'm going to start passing things through now.

Okay, I'm going to have to enlarge this hole. Okay. Okay, because I've got a bunch more stuff here. I've got a lot of stuff to get out. To get out. And I only have a few milliseconds. Yeah, before this shit's going to congeal. Yeah, so I just get it while it's hot.

Get it while it's way hot. Yeah. Oh, my God. And if you don't mind, we're going to stick around. We're probably stick around Probably gonna Gonna spread out Make ourselves at home You know

Possibly at the speed of light Alright Okay So I'm just gonna leave this here And I'll talk to you a bit later Hope you don't mind Hello Okay

I'm leaving now Okay I'm going I have other deliveries to make It's a lot of dimensions Yeah Um Okay

Uh Please tell your friends That's What yeah Okay So the big banging Big banging The big banging was a knocking at the door of the universe.

A knocking? At the door of the universe. Door of universe. I would like to thank the big banging. And? How is that a sketch? A foreign guy. All right.

No, well, that's what we would do. We would start just with black. The screen is black. Yeah. Okay? And then there's just a banging noise. And then there's hello. And then all that dialogue happens.

And then I'm going to say a half Mexican, half Indian delivery man tears a hole in the fabric of space-time and delivers the lot. A universe with the lot. Yeah. And garlic bread. Oh, that'd be the best thing right now. It's a place called Universal Pizza, I think. Yeah. In, like, Ligon Street.

Do they have garlic bread? Probably. How did pizza have garlic bread? Probably. How did pizza and garlic bread get linked together? That's a good question. Who decided that they were going to be friends? Because I'm pretty sure bread and dough aren't the same thing. They're similar. They're similar.

I mean, they come from wheat. Are you arguing that they're not similar? I guess they're both Italian things. so that's probably how they got... Are they? I think garlic bread would be Italian. I think Italians are the only people who ever used garlic. Wait a... Yeah, who was the first people to use garlic?

Or did, like, did garlic get discovered independently by many people at the same time? I'm going to change the subject slightly. I hope it's still about garlic or Italian people. Your previous question was, where did the English language come from? And now you're asking, who were the first people to use garlic? That's funny. But, like, it's amazing, isn't it, that different, like, that different flavours go well together. That, like, you can take a spice which evolved in India and then get a yam from a Pacific island and some sort of juice from South America and then combine them and it makes a food that tastes...

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. It's better than the sum of its parts. Yeah, but also the humans that are tasting it came from maybe some other place as well. It's like it's all built on the same operating system, like the same Unix operating system. It's like the Apple universe. It's all it's all built on the same operating system, like the same Unix operating system. It's like the Apple universe.

It's all plug and play. Everything just works together. Yeah, everything interacts. I mean, it's quite lucky that all food tastes. Isn't it? It's not like some food just sounds. You eat it and you go, ah. But then you'd go, oh, actually the sound of this food goes really well with the taste of this gravy.

No, but it wouldn't because we don't do that. And, like, no one ever combines sound and food. Like, there's never a great appetizer for this thing is... Somebody hitting a gong. Yeah. Or maybe the dinner gong. Maybe we're neglecting the fact that the dinner gong is the first course

of a meal. The first course is, okay, you walk in and you see the colour pink. Okay. So this is a 25 course meal. Yeah.

The first bite is with the eye. Yeah. And then the second bite is with the ear. Yeah. I'm pretty sure there's probably some chefs, some wanky chefs somewhere that actually... Actually, my, uh, some family friends from Tasmania, uh, recently went to a restaurant in England where some of the meals are served to you in the fog.

Some of the courses. So wait, you're in... They create fog, and then they serve a particular course to you in the fog. This is best eaten in the fog. In the fog. A la fog. En fog.

So that's kind of fun. Yeah. I mean, like, could you get it eaten in a drizzle, maybe? Blizzard? Yeah. This is actually this potato engraving is best enjoyed in a blizzard. Yeah. In a once-in-100-years flood.

Yeah. Toad drive into the floodwaters. Yeah, up to your waist in flood water. Inhuman effluent because the sewers have started to leak. Yeah, that's how we think this hot dog would be best eaten. This meal is best served with a desperation so deep about you need to get your farm functioning because your kids need to survive. This meringue is best served after several months of famine and drought, which, to be honest, most food probably is. Like, ideally, all your...

I mean, famine sufferers would be the best customers. Possibly? Maybe. I don't think they can eat too much. I think if you're... No, but that's why, because all the portions are really small in these fancy restaurants. And they'll pay so much for food. I mean, they might not have much. Yeah, but if's why, because all the portions are really small in these fancy restaurants And they'll pay so much for food

I mean, they might not have much Yeah, but if they have it, you can probably take them for all they're worth Has there ever been a famine where the people are really rich? The rich people Because the rich famine sufferers would be the best customers Oh, yeah I am famished, really I am both wealthy and famished.

Oh. Oh, well, I have... A restaurant. A restaurant come into my house. Because you don't have a restaurant, but if you ever meet a famished rich person, you'll probably... Do you think that the... You don't need to have high standards. In prisons, the cafeteria is called the under a restaurant.

Wait, under a restaurant? Yeah. Do you think that the prisoners would appreciate the... I think it would be great. You could maybe do that, you know, like a lot of buildings these days have cafes under buildings, at the bottom of buildings. So maybe you could do that for like the police headquarters. Would actually be under a restaurant.

Yeah, under a restaurant. There's a restaurant above the police headquarters. Would actually be under a restaurant. Yeah, under a restaurant. There's a restaurant above the police headquarters. Yeah. Well, look, there's a... No, no, there's a... There's a police headquarters under a restaurant. Yeah. But within that police headquarters, there's a cafeteria called the under a restaurant.

Yeah. Or you got police headquarters, then underneath is a restaurant. Yep. And then underneath that, you got another restaurant called Under a Restaurant. And then the other one's called Under a Police Station. Under a Police Headquarters. Yeah. Which doesn't make, well, that one wasn't as clever.

No, but you've got to have it. Yeah, but that one was open first and they hadn't really thought about the play on words. It was just a really bad name for a restaurant. And the other person came along who was a wordsmith. Yeah. I just realized I just called you a wordsmith. Thank you. I unintentionally complimented you. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know

if there's a sketch in the, I don't know, somebody explaining it that how their, their restaurant came to be called under a restaurant. Um, I mean, is that like, like a little story like that? Is that a sketch? I don't know. Maybe, but know maybe but like like no but i think that's funny like it's interviewing it's like a like a little kind of like it's like a novel piece at the end of the the news you know like you know that little kind of cute yeah yeah yeah and then yeah human interest stuff and then it's just a guy talking about how he... about his restaurant called Under a Restaurant. Yeah. But he's got to be kind of an idiot.

Yeah. Like, he almost does... He really... Either he really struggles to understand it, or the person he's explaining it to really doesn't understand it, like the reporter or someone. Like, he's... It's got to be explained way too much and really slowly.

And then he's got to take them there and show them a diagram. Well, he's pointing to the buildings. You see up there, that's the police headquarters. Okay, and then under that, that's the restaurant. And it's called Under a Police Headquarters Restaurant. Yeah, and then we're under them. We're under there. It used to be a bowling alley.

There's never a police headquarters above a bowling alley, above a restaurant. Yeah, yeah. Well, we'll just take the top four floors. Yeah. It's not a purpose-built... We've leased out some of the cells. Yeah. There's cafes. Yeah. There's just not enough crime and we've had to branch out. Because they, yeah. Well, they didn't sell. Oh, yeah, okay. It used to be a full police headquarters. Yeah.

So, yeah, it used to be a full police headquarters. But then there wasn't enough crime in the town and there was just all this unused space. Unused space. So, they rented out the bottom floor as a bowling alley. Yeah. Which they converted. Which they converted. And the police, they weren't that busy, so they did the conversions themselves.

A lot of them have carpentry experience. A lot of skills. The second floor, they just released a bunch of wild animals in there, and they just... And they just had kids parties and things like that, but they had too many predators and a kid got injured. But anyway. That's not relevant. That's not relevant. So then, using some of the meat from the animals,

I decided to open up a restaurant. And the guy who opened it up, he didn't. He was a bit... He wasn't a wordsmith. Let's say that. He wasn't a wordsmith. There was no wordsmith. But he was very literal.

He was very literal. And he thought, what am I going to call this? And he thought about calling it... Over a bowling alley. Over a bowling alley. But he thought, oh, that's... Over a bowling alley restaurant. That sounds like a guy who had a breakup, a big breakup with a bowling alley. Yeah.

It sounds too much like over arm bowling alley. Yeah. And I've tried that, and too much like over arm bowling alley. Yeah. And I've tried that and the bowling balls always get stuck in the roof. Yeah, a lot of people get knocked out

trying to bowl like that. It's really bad for your elbows. It's not a cricket zone and people get mixed up with cricket and things like that because that's also bowling

but it's a different kind of thing. It's not a cricket place. We don't, there's no scumps. It's not a cricket alley. It's not a cricket alley. There's not that much

waiting around. We don't really want you to stick around for five days. It's not a cricket alley. It's not a cricket alley. There's not that much waiting around. We don't really want you to stick around for five days. It's like you're in a cafe. That's why we don't have free Wi-Fi in the place because we don't want people to see us. We don't want people to stick around to start a cricket match.

Yeah, start a cricket match. It's only a matter of time before a cricket match kicks off. Just breaks out. Yeah. Because we got a couple of pitches in there. You get a bunch of guys in the one place for long enough.

Yeah. A cricket match is going to break out. Enough British people slash Australian people have an interest in that. You have to move them on. They've grown up

playing backyard cricket, you know. It's just going to happen. Yep. But anyway. It's inevitable. So, instead, we decided to call it

Under Police Headquarters Restaurant. This is still only the second guy. This isn't even the restaurant we're talking about. It's like picking up 15 minutes of the end of the news. And they're a human interest piece. Because there's no crime, so there's nothing else happening on the news. The news report is like five minutes of sport,

which is just reporting on cricket matches that have broken out. Because people have been in the one place for long enough. And then 25 minutes of a human interest story about a restaurant called Under a Restaurant. And so basically then the bowling alley, the house

sort of fell out of that because, well, there's nobody who really lives in the town. It's a ghost town. And only the police officers were there. And they were busy sort of renovating the top story. It's a ghost town because everybody was murdered. Everybody. And then became ghosts. Yeah.

So there was a lot of crime. You can understand why the police headquarters was so big to begin with. Yeah. Because there was just so much crime. A lot of crime. It was unsustainable. It was an unsustainable level of crime. The criminals, so to speak, overfished the ocean.

And the thing is, by the time the police headquarters was built, there was hardly any people to commit the crimes. And everyone that would have been able to commit the crime... Was working and building the police headquarters. ...was recruited as both a headquarters building main and later on police officer. Which is why, when it came to building the bowling alley, they all had carpentry skills. They all had such a great skill set that we could apply. Which is great, because we've recently moved in and they've done a great skill set that we could apply, which is great because we've recently moved in

and they've done a great job. Kind of got that 1950s style of diner thing. Because that's when we started building it. That's when we started. It was like the Notre Dame Cathedral in France that started building in the 1800s and has only just been finished because it was such an ambitious police station.

It cost so much money. It's just no one could possibly afford it within at least five generations. Those who weren't murdered by the criminals, who had free reign while the police were distracted, built into bowling alley, died in the construction of the police headquarters. Anyway, so I came along and I had a bit of time to think and I thought, under arrest? Because somebody was, you know, the last person. By the way, out the back of the police headquarters, we have a smaller police headquarters that

we affectionately call the police hindquarters. Oh, which is quite clever. I'll call it that. And because I was... Because you're a wordsmith. Because I'm a wordsmith slash restaurant owner. No, but you're not a wordsmith, actually. No, no, no, I'm the wordsmith.

Oh, right. Yeah, I'm the guy. Or at least, actually, I also own the restaurant upstairs. So I've had one go, and I wasn't really that happy with the first name. And I've decided to open up a second restaurant. Because I don't need a second run at it. Because I wasn't happy with the name. It's not the best.

I'm not very good at running restaurants. I'm just starting all over again. I'm going to keep the second run. I'm not very good at running restaurants. Because when I open a to keep the second one. I'm not making it for any restaurants. Mainly because when I open a restaurant, I do it I just use the dead animals that happen to be

in the building. Because it used to be a petting zoo. And now, we mostly just serve drywall. And bollock pins. And bollock pins. And bollock pins and other stuff that's been lying around. Or, you know, excess carpentry tools and things like that.

Anyway, so that's what we called it. I do a Caesar salad, but it's not spelled C-A-E-S-E-R. It's called S-E-I-Z-U-R-E it's a seizure salad it's from people who've come phone with the man because of the bad fluorescent lighting fall into a mass on the ground

and I'd toss them with some vinaigrette and I'd serve them up at the under restaurant do you know how most fluorescent lights are about 50 megahertz? yeah And I serve them up. Well, yeah, the reason why people... At the Under a Restaurant. Do you know how most fluorescent lights are about 50 megahertz? Yeah. Right? These ones are 50 hertz. Right.

Is that... No, are they 50 hertz in the world? I've got no idea. 10 hertz. Anyway, they're not flashing. Love hurts. Love hurts. Love hurts.

And that's why I called it Under a Restaurant. Thanks, restaurant. Under a Restaurant. Thanks, restaurant. Under a Restaurant. Cheers. You have, before you begin the meal, you have the right to remain silent while I read you the specials. Anything you do say may be cooked in the... May be used as a...

Treated as an order and served to you in court. As an addition. And you may be charged for it. At a later date. Because we don't... We're not one of those people who pay up front. We don't even pay at the end. We send you a bill.

Old bill. In the middle. A guy called Bill who comes over and he has one of those roaming F-Pulse machines that just works on the 3G network and he'll just take card

and that's it. We also do a seize a salad which is where we get a warrant from a judge which allows us a seize a salad, which is where we get a warrant from a judge, which allows us to seize your salad as the proceeds of crime. And sell it to someone else. And sell it to someone else. As a secondhand salad for a lesser price, but we get to sell it twice. We sell it at an auction, a police auction, where there's a lot of seized goods, many of which are salads.

where there's a lot of seized goods, many of which are salads. And we actually used to read out people their rights like that, the menu and the specials. You have the right to remain silent while we... But it didn't make that much sense when it was under a police headquarters. It's not a police headquarters in there, but it wasn't the under arrest thing. If you want to hear the specials, you actually need to speak to the special operations group. Yes. And also, at the end of the meal, we incarcerate you.

Yes. That's all for the news this evening. Please tune in the same time tomorrow night. Okay, so that... That'll be... So I think that can be a sketch. It's gotta be something. Yeah.

It's gotta be. Under a restaurant. A restaurant. Restaurant. I don't know how to spell restaurant. Can you write down the words, seize a salad? Has someone done this? Yeah, I think that sketch has been done.

Oh, it's been done. Oh, no, that's Monty Python. Oh, and Michelin Web. But Michelin Web did it as incarcerated restaurant. So I think... And all the food was served to you in a car. A police car. Yeah.

Incinerated. A car incinerator. Yeah. Oh, dear. Well, that was fun. Yeah. That's only four ideas. That's only four ideas.

You still need one more. I'm kind of drained. Yeah? Yeah. That's only four ideas. That's only four ideas. You still need one more. I'm kind of drained. Yeah? Yeah. Well, I mean, we've given them so many most of the time. We give seven lately. We've given them so many most of the time. Yeah, like most sketch ideas.

I don't feel like we can do less than five. Okay. I think that should be the... Yeah, that's true. We could talk about your thing about the floodwaters. Yeah. Well, I thought this could be either a bit or a sketch. But what did it say?

It was a billboard that we saw whilst driving in the middle of Melbourne City. Yeah. That said, don't drive through floodwaters. Don't drive through floodwaters. Because, and I don't even know if it really explains that much more. It doesn't tell you why that's a bad thing. Which is bad, because with kids, you tell them not to do something. But if you don't tell them why, it sort of fascinates them, and they'll end up doing it.

I reckon there's going to be a lot of people who drive through floodwaters just because they're rebels. Is this for the same reason that you told me not to have drugs? Because it feels really great. Oh, this does feel good. Whoa. What a rush yeah and basically i was imagining that because i mean it doesn't seem like it's a thing that's necessary to uh tell people especially in a city but that there's not that many. It was like, okay, what is their town?

Is there a group of people who meet and talk about this in order to organize? They had to create a funding body, and then they raised money, and then they got enough money. Community, got the community, got a lot of signatures. Yeah, got a lot of people. Then they did a possible campaign. They got some money up so that they could afford a billboard and let the world know. Don't drive through floodwaters.

Because, guys, look, last year we had that one-in-a-hundred-year flood. And remember how two people drove into the floodwaters? They were okay. Yeah, they were fine. I mean, how long until we have another one-in-a-hundred-years flood? I mean, there's probably going to be one in the next 100 to 200 years. Yeah. Right.

Statistically speaking. Statistically, like on average. Maybe, yeah, who knows? Who knows? Who knows? I mean, the Bureau of Meteorology. Yeah, probably. I presume.

Yeah, they keep track of that kind of stuff. Yeah. Oh, did you know they've opened a restaurant called the Bureau of Meat Aerology? I didn't know that. Hopefully, there'll be a... All the food is served on bureaus. Hopefully there'll be a human interest story on the news when not much goes on. Anyway, that's not important. We're trying to build a billboard here.

How are we going to stop people from doing it? Probably a billboard, I would say. We'll put it down by the Yarra. Because people who go close to the river are probably the sort of people who like water, and they're probably at a higher risk. Yeah, that's a good idea. They're vulnerable. Down near the Yarra. Maybe we should target people who...

There's many ways we can go about this. We could do a billboard, or... They drive near the river. I mean, that's only one step away from trying to drive through the river. Through the river, yeah. Okay, so how about this? We do a flyer campaign straight to people who have driven through the river. Okay?

Because I think those are the people that are most at risk. Very high risk. Okay, yeah. Billboard for people near the river. Yes. Okay. We could probably do something on Facebook to just make people aware of the warning signs. Yeah, okay.

So how about, okay, because we have to target people. So we go through, we'll target people with likes, like things like those, you know, those kind of trucks that are also boats. Yeah. People who are into that. Yeah, into aquatic vehicles. Yeah, aquatic vehicles. Amphibious.

Amphibious. Amphibious vehicles. Landing craft. Also semi-amphibious vehicles. Semi-amphibious. Semi-amphibious. Semi- Amphibious. Amphibious vehicles. Landing craft. Also semi-amphibious vehicles. Semi-amphibious. Semi-amphibious. People with four-wheel drives that have that little tunnel, you know, the thing with the air on the top. The long chimney.

Yeah, the long chimney that goes up. Yeah, because I think those are for people who are thinking about driving through puddles that are close to being rivers, that are close to being floodwaters. Yeah. Yeah. So people who have that like. Also, I think that people who have in the past liked things like driving and going through things and floodwaters. And maybe. Maybe there's an algorithm we could do to identify the people who've got, you know, those.

Yeah. And maybe, what's that song? If you like pina coladas and. Driving through floodwaters. Driving you know, those. Yeah. And maybe, what's that song, if you like pina coladas and... Driving Through Floodwaters. Driving Through Floodwaters. Yeah. Getting Lost in the Rain, what's that song? Yeah.

You know, if you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Getting Caught in the Rain. Caught in the Rain. People would like that song, maybe? Yeah. Because, I mean, if they do, they might also drive cars, and they might also be near a river that is subject to flooding occasionally.

Noah? Noah, yeah. People who... Who've got strong family history of floodwaters. Maybe like a direct bloodline to Noah? Yeah, yeah. Was he a Jew? Was Noah a Jew?

Was Judaism a thing? I feel like he would have been, yeah. Because they were sort of the first people of God. Well, wait. No, no, no. Because if the first people of God were Jews, then all people would be Jews,

right? Because that's the way Jews work. Yeah, bloodline. With mothers or something. Yeah, mothers. But the idea with Judaism is that it's a bloodline where it goes all the way traced back. So if it went all the way

back to the beginning then everybody would be Jewish. Yeah, Adam and Eve Jewish. Yeah. Well, no, I don't think so. Was Adam circumcised? But in the Old Testament.

Did God go, I'll create man then he circumcised him? No, that was just a little bit of like editing. Oh, yeah. Where he got caught in a fence.

The director's cut. Yeah. That's funny. Look, okay, I'm writing that down. Wait, first. Five. No, I'm writing down floodwaters. Floodwaters?

Sure. We can count it. Yeah. It's not quite a sketch. No. I don't think we've worked out how it works as a sketch. Well, it's these guys figuring out how they're going to target people about floodwaters. Because it just seems so...

It's just so unlikely to happen. Yeah. You know what? Getting struck by lightning. Where's everyone... You know what? If there is a river going through my main street, my first instinct, obviously, is to just get into it. Yeah, climb in.

Climb in with a vehicle that doesn't float. That's my first instinct. It just says don't drive through floodwaters, though, doesn't it? No, it's fine. Take your boat down floodwaters. No, but also just wander in. Yeah, walk your dog into it. Swim across. Yeah, yeah, yeah your dog into it. Swim across. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just don't drive.

Don't drive. Bicycle, that's fine. Bicycle through floodwaters. Pogo sticks. Yep. Yep. If you, you know those, have you ever seen those, like, you know, like a moon hopper, what's those things?

Space hopper. Space hopper. Space hop. Space hop. Moonwalk. Moon. Space hop. Space hop. Moon walk. Moon walk. Yeah. Moon hop.

Dance. Dance. Eat a meal. Fly. Fly. Flying through flood waters. Don't fly through flood waters. I mean, I'm not going to tell you not to do it, but...

We haven't tested it. Yeah. We don't know if it's not safe. All that we know from last year's experience is that two people's cars got really wet. Yeah. And, like, they flooded the engine, but not with petrol. Well, they did with petrol, trying to drive out,

but it was also flooded with water. And that was just... Yeah. It took them, like, it had to sit for, like, an hour before it would start again. I mean, the thing is that people probably have died driving through floodwaters. Yeah. Yeah.

No, definitely. Oh, definitely. Yeah. But. But at such a negligible rate. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. It should almost be like, hey, if there's floodwaters around, just get out of your car.

Just walk away. Just walk away. Like, if your car is in the water... You can't be trusted with a car and floodwaters. Give that man a car and floodwaters, you know what he's going to do. Yeah. Straight in there. Yeah.

Can't help himself. Yep. Is Adam Jewish? Is Adam Jewish? Yeah. himself is adam is that a jewish is was god is god that they're going to use like was going to have to that god

she would choose them choose uses the chosen pictures choose jews the chosen people because they're the most like him. He's like, oh my god, you guys are a Jew, I'm a Jew. I choose you.

Yeah. We have so much in common. Is God a racist? But is that a thing? Like, if God chose one people and they're a race,

a people, is that, is God a thing? Like, if God chose one people and they're a race of people, is God a racist? I don't know about all this Jew talk. I'm going to stop talking about Jews. Yeah, I stopped talking a little while ago. It's fine. I think it's fine. I don't think we're saying anything offensive. Well, know that in our hearts, I love all people equally.

Yeah, especially Jews. Yeah. I think you guys are the best. I'm not even joking. Equally the best. Equally the best. Equal first. But you guys...

In my heart. You guys are like one point... You're my chosen people as well. Yeah. Do you have a chosen people, Al? Yeah. Is it... Can racism be wrong?

Like, everyone's allowed to I'm not racist But I do have a chosen people Does he get to Like Being chosen Yeah You and you and you

You and you and you You guys are chosen By me It's like picking team Picking team for sports Yeah The chosen people The chosen one

Look I think we got five Yeah And then we talked about Jewish people for a bunch. Yeah. And then also about chosen people. Just being chosen.

Like the act of just somebody with their mind. All they did was highlight you in their mind as like, all right, those. And then they did nothing with it. I chose those. Those are chosen. I chose those. Chose by me. Okay.

I'm just going to go through the sketches that we came up with today. It was when I stopped caring, that's when I started doing my best work. Started doing my best work. Yeah. That's right. That was good. And then the second one was a doctor with the personality of a 15th century whaler. In the belly of the beast!

Number three was Big Banging, which is, you know, it's like some guy who is probably an illegal immigrant of some sort. Oh, no! No, not an illegal immigrant, but he's a recent migrant to the multiverse. Yes. And he's got a delivery job. Yeah. Because he probably had some really important job back in his multiverse uh yeah he's massively overqualified yeah starting for this but i don't know what his his job is like what he's done something amazing but all he does is just he delivers the material he starts pushing them through, and then he starts universes and lets them keep going.

Right. And then there's under a restaurant. Restaurant. Also have the note, seize a salad. Yep. Thank you. And then there's floodwaters don't drive. That's the billboard.

That's number five. Billboard. Yep. Good work. I think we did something there Today Cool Yeah

Thanks for listening. Yeah. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls. Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost almost anything.

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