Two In The Think Tank - 08 - "Terrified Buddhist" - With Jack Druce

Episode Date: June 28, 2013

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Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hey. Hi. Welcome, everyone, to episode 8 of 2 in the Think Tank.

We have a special guest today. It's the first time we've ever had a guest. In the Think Tank. In the Think Tank. We've now got 3 in the Think Tank. It's Jack Drews. Hi, Jack. Hey, guys. Thank you for having me. Thank you for having me. Thank you for having us. You need to talk more directly into the mic. Okay, is that better?

Yeah, it is actually. It's actually perfect. Surprisingly, talking directly into the mic actually is better. Cool. I was just trying to do it to throw you off, but it worked. What were you doing to throw him off? I was trying to throw him off. To throw him off? Yeah, I was grabbing him by throw him off i was trying to throw him off to throw

him off yeah i was grabbing him by the jacket and dragging him close to the edge of the mezzanine yeah and um i'm known for having like a good grip on podcasts everyone tries to throw me off podcasts yeah but i can just latch on to them yeah you're like a you're like a barnacle yeah yeah or like one of those suction fish which which i guess a barnacle's a bit suction-y. But you know those ones that clean... Is a barnacle anything but suction? What else have they got going on? Let's see.

They've got suction. Have we said that already? Yeah. Suction. Do they form like a volcano-like structure? Mini volcano? They look like a mini volcano. That's their thing, right?

They're forming a volcano-like structure, so that's a second thing. That's actually two things. So, like a mini volcano. That's their thing, right? Forming a volcano-like structure, so that's a second thing. That's actually two things. So, good try, Jack. They make keel-hauling more painful. They do. Without barnacles, keel-hauling, who cares? Okay, now let's list all the unpleasant things

about keel-hauling. What's a keel? What's a hauling? Okay, explaining it to people. That's one of the real chores of being keel? What's a hauling? Okay, explaining it to people. That's one of the real chores of being a keel hauler. Secretly not knowing yourself, but mentioning it in podcasts. Yeah. And the guilt that comes with that.

Yep, yep. And then being asked to explain it. Yeah. That's a huge, yeah. Al, what do you think is the most unpleasant thing about keel hauling? Keel hauling? Just saying it. Yeah.

Yeah, because keel, you go, oh, that sounds like kneel. Like to kneel. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, this is horrible. Yeah. You're right. Because kneel would also have a K in it, right?

Does kneel have a K in it? Kneeling? Yeah, it does. K-N-E-E-L. Oh, that's an awful word. Alistair is against difficult spelling of anything. No, no, just words with Ks. Let's start with Ks, have a double E and then an L at the end.

You know the KKK? Yeah. Are the Ks in that silent? Yeah, they're... Is it actually called... U-Luxland? So it's actually like a lan party. Yeah.

It sounds like oil of Eulan, which was a thing that my mum used to put on her skin. Oil of Olay. Well, then it became called oil of Olay. It used to be called oil of Eulan. Or do you mean coil of Eulan? I don't know where this is going. So was your mum a skin whitening cream? Yes.

My mum was Asian. And vain. E. Veiny. Yeah. So, okay. So it's a cream company. The Ku Klux Klan is actually just a cream company.

Called? Oil of Yule. No, just called? Coil. Silent. Oh, why? Trying to leave a period of silence. No.

Because the K's in KKK are silent. So how would they explain that to people? Because otherwise people would think they were just pausing. So they'd have to say, we're called, but the K is silent. Yeah. Yes. That's how they'd have to explain it.

Yes. Yeah. Okay, so they're a cream company. I mean, they're also a racist organization, but they're a cream company that has the name but the K is silent. Yeah. And they release a skin whitening cream. A skin whitening cream for veiny Asian women.

Yep. It's a sketch. Write it down. Don't write it down. No, I'm writing it down. Don't write it down. I am writing it down. That's a great sketch premise.

I think... Okay, were they... Were they first a racist organization and then they went into creams? Or were they like a cream company and they couldn't really market this stuff well? And they said, you know what we need? We need to galvanize this group by hating certain races. We need one.

We need a name that's got three silent Ks in it. Yeah. Number two, yes, we need to get a political hate group sort of thing going on. Yeah, it's like if you're any sort of creative person, like you want to find your audience of sort of like-minded people, you just need to create any group of people and then like sort of like crowbar in the idea of creams. Yeah, crowbar in the idea of creams. Crowbar in some cream.

Yeah. There was a Chick-fil-A, that sandwich company in America, came out and said that they were a homophobic company, right? They didn't agree with gay marriage and they didn't like gay people, right? And that's sort of equivalent to a hate company like the KKK coming out and saying that they also sell creams. So I don't see why it can't go both ways, right? If retail companies can hate, I don't see why hate companies can't retail. Because that would be discrimination, and the KKK wouldn't agree with that.

What's amazing is that their entire market relies on veiny Asian women. Yes. They don't like it. Yeah, but they're dependent on them, and that's the circle of life. Yeah. It's the same way that lions hate gazelles. Yeah. But they need them.

To buy their products. The irony is, for a group of people who are so clearly passionate about skin creams, so little of their skin is visible most of the time, given their organisation. That's true. Like, they're torn between a desire to improve their skin and simultaneously conceal it. That's true.

But maybe it's because they're trying to remove all the browned parts Of their body Like eyelashes Hair Yeah yeah yeah Sort of lips So try to stay out of the sun

So that you don't You don't tan Yeah they don't like Yeah Do they not like Tanning They don't like tanning Or freckles

Or moles They have all their moles removed Now actually Their Their Their policy on skin cancer And their Uptake on Compulsory mold checks is fantastic in the KKK.

And full credit to them. But then you'd think that they would have a thing, they would love melanin. No, they wouldn't. Melanin makes your skin brown. Yeah, I know, but it also protects you from skin cancer. And skin. In that way, it's a double-edged sword. Yeah. There's so many hypocrisies

in these guys' organisation. I never realised before, but the KKK is kind of fucked up. Yeah. The KKK slash skin company. Slash company.

But the K is silent. But the K is silent. Yeah. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, Are we good?

I think so. I think so. So we got one down. I don't know whether it'll make sense without the... Explanation. The con... That your mom is veiny. But I think it's absurd enough.

Yeah, I think it's just a great absurd premise. Yeah. It'll have some real hidden meanings in there. Yep, all of the meanings will be hidden. So well hidden. So well hidden. Deep vein thrombosis. Speaking of veins. Yeah hidden Deep vein thrombosis Speaking of veins

Yeah Deep vein thrombosis Is a serious problem It makes me think of But it feels like a joke Because thrombosis sounds Too much like trombone That's part of it

Thrombosis But also it's a thing That you can only get in planes I don't know Can you only get Do you get it from sitting still? Yeah, I think you can just get it from sitting around a lot. So it's just easier to get it in planes.

Yeah. It's more convenient. Just planes and laziness. I think... Really? Like, that's how you get busted on... Like, if you said, like, yep, I'll definitely get this project done for you.

No problem. I'll definitely get it done. And you're like, okay, and then you come back three months later and you have deep veins from both. I know for a fact you haven't left that chair in a long time. Your horrible disease has given you away. You haven't done any work. But, no, you could have been working so hard in your chair. That's true.

You didn't specify the nature of the project. If the project was walking around and doing lots of ankle exercises, then yes, you got busted. I'm going away for three months. I need you to fix my fence. Okay. Okay. Good. Three months later. Hey, you have deep vein thrombosis. You haven't been out of that chair at all. Also, my

fence isn't fixed. But I'm mostly going on this deep vein thrombosis thing. Let's call the coroner. But, what was I going to say about deep vein thrombosis thing. Let's call the coroner. But, wait, what was I going to say about deep vein thrombosis? It's gone. Thrombosis. Thrombosis.

What a word. It must be very fun to diagnose. It would be really bad if you had other types of thrombosis. Because that's got to be the main one. And you're talking about people like, oh man, it's been rough had other types of thrombosis like because that's the that's got to be the main one and you're talking about people like oh man it's been rough i just got thrombosis a deep vein thrombosis no just a regular kind just thrombosis or shallow vein thrombosis like runs really close i just remember what i was gonna say before it was that because remember when that was big in the news for a while i guess some people had got it and it was like a big thing

and then there was like a big thing. And then there was all these videos on planes, and they would talk to you about all the exercises that you could do to avoid getting it. But those are gone now. I know. They don't tell you about how to avoid deep vein thrombosis anymore when you go on a... They cue it. Well, I think it's just like how you go, from now on, I'm going to write every day. And you do it for a couple of weeks, and then you're like, whatever.

It just falls away, because it's no longer in your mind. It's no longer at the forefront. From now on, none of our passengers will die from deep vein thrombosis. Ah, whatever. I have been on a few flights recently where they do tell you stuff about that. I think maybe it's a... I don't know if it's to do with the length of the flight, maybe, is what requires it. But I think, like, anything they tell you on how to not get deep vein thrombosis, it's really just like...

You know how not moving hurts? Avoid that. That's really the only advice they give you. It's like, hey, just avoid discomfort as you spend all your energy on all the time anyway. That's true. Just avoid things that feel bad. But did they just tell you, like, hey, walk around the plane?

Walk around. Do some stretches around the plane. Maybe. Was deep vein thrombosis, like, was that a thing that we were hearing about before, like, terrorism was a big thing? Like, was that, deep vein thrombosis, was that the terror of the skies pre-9-11? I think. And then since 9-11, everyone's like, actually...

Terrorism. Just stay in your seats. What if... You're freaking people out. Yeah. What if after 9-11 there was like one guy one guy in the whole world

like just one actual person 9-11 happened and he watched it on TV and then his first reaction was first deep vein thrombosis and now this? Come on, planes. Do you think he had deep vein thrombosis and now this? Come on, planes. Do you think he had deep vein thrombosis?

Or do you think he was just really worried about deep vein thrombosis? He was just passionate about deep vein thrombosis. I'm worried that this is going to distract people from deep vein thrombosis. We're going to need to increase our marketing campaign significantly.

I feel like airlines are going to have different priorities for a while. Well, maybe we can promote deep vein thrombosis off the back of this terrorism thing. How can we spin this? Look for any suspicious activity and don't sit still for very long periods of time, or you might get deep vein thrombosis. Deep vein thrombosis! And then it goes into a big thing about deep vein thrombosis. But also, look out for suspicious activity.

Because that message, you know, that's a short message to give people. Because there's not much you can do about terrorism. Really. Don't sit still and do ankle exercises. Don't sit still and be vigilant of other people's actions. Shoe bomber. Do ankle exercises. Don't sit still and be vigilant of other people's actions. Yeah. Shoe bomber. I don't know if that is a sketch.

Yeah. Deep vein thrombosis. It's hard. It's hard to see a context in which anything we just said could be made succinct or interesting. But imagine if your life was crippled by deep vein thrombosis. I'm sure some people have it. Yeah. Like carpal tunnel syndrome.

That's like... Yeah, carpal tunnel syndrome. It's just the name is too silly. Yeah. And you can't take that seriously. Well, maybe it's all nerve and clot-related things sound funny. I don't know if repetitive strain injury sounds funny. RSI sounds funny.

I got RSI, carpal tunnel syndrome, deep vein thrombosis. And tennis elbow. I'm a wreck. Like I've got all these minor ailments and they just add up to one complete wreck. Yeah, you just can't walk and grip things and then you talk to the the doctor about it and like his advice is just just move in your life just live a life where you move around you'll be fine just but not so much in the hand yeah move less in your hand yeah just you know the amount of movement you're doing now? Spread it out.

Spread it out in the body. Yeah, well, that's kind of it. Like, again, just get your neck going, get your legs and feet moving. I wonder what the most ailments you can have at one time without being dead is. Like, can you just keep, like, cumulatively, like, adding on, like, ailments? Like, you have some sort of fingernail thing, okay, and then you've got, like, a hand knuckle thing, and then you've got a hand knuckle thing, and then you've got some sort of palm disease, and then a wrist problem, and then you just add them all up.

So in total, you've got enough things to be dead. But because they're all distributed evenly over your entire body, if you put all of that into your heart, you'd definitely be dead. But you've just been really efficient at, like, diluting all your problems. Or just keeping it at your extremities. Yeah. No, they work all the way in, but you just have, like,

one thing at every point of your body. So, like, okay, so you got, like, you got... It's like a full house of disease. Yeah, you got knuckle arthritis. Yeah. You got psoriasis on your hands. On your palms, yeah. You got flaking. You got carpal tunnel syndrome in your wrists. You got nail've got knuckle arthritis. Yeah. You've got psoriasis on your hands.

On your palms. You've got flaking. You've got carpal tunnel syndrome in your wrists. You've got nail decay. Nail decay. You've got like extreme... Nail rot, whatever that is.

Yeah, nail rot. Yeah. You've got extreme nail rot. Yep. Extreme! What's that sound? I think that's your...

Siri's talking. That's your Siri. Yeah. Okay, you've got tennis elbow. Yep. And... Siri's talking. That's your Siri. Yeah. Okay, you got tennis elbow. Yep. And tetanus elbow. And tetanus. You got a corked forearm.

Yeah, good, good. Okay, bicep. Yeah, okay. I don't know any biceps. I don't know many diseases. All I can think of, like, and then the next part of your arm is just on fire. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah. Okay, your bicep's on fire.

Okay, you got severe pit stink. Actually, I would track that, because that's not an illness. Like, you can't go to the doctor and say, like, what do you think? And then the doctor's like, well, my diagnosis is most of you is on fire. Yeah. And you shouldn't be on fire. I'm having a burning sensation in my arm. I would recommend aloe vera

for that fire. Because he only knows how to treat the symptoms. Yeah. You go to the doctor and whatever's happening is still happening. Like you're currently being electrocuted. Yeah, there's a wolf attacking me. Yeah. Like, you're currently being electrocuted. Yeah, no, yeah.

There's a wolf attacking me. Yeah. I don't have a cure for that, but we can treat the symptoms. Yeah. Or I could start bandaging the area. Where the wolf is attacking you. But I'm worried it might be contagious. Yeah.

No, see, now the wolf has started to attack me. I'm a very non-interventional type of doctor, so are you committed to still being on fire? Because if that's a part of your lifestyle, who am I to say you shouldn't be on fire? But here are some... If you could keep... If you could stop the fire spreading, if you could do back-burning on other parts of you

so the fire stayed in one place... Some people are born on fire. Yeah. And I don't want to say that that's wrong. He got it from his mom. Was your mom on fire? Yes. Yes.

Oh, damn. Okay. Well, then you're probably going to be on fire. Yeah. And then that's what your kids are going to be on fire. Well, I don't know if she was on fire. She might just have been a redhead. I never looked that closely.

I tried to keep my mum in my periphery. All that I know is that I'm on fire now. You may have got it from a sexual partner or from the woods. Or from the woods. Some burning spores might have Might have landed on you You might just be like one of those One of those trees that just catches on fire

So it's young can only grow out of the ashes What? It's young That's not how trees grow Seeds My young Yeah The young

If I have kids I'm just gonna The treelings My young This is my young Peter. My offspring. Oh, my young. My spawn. Yeah. Jim.

Spawn is good. Yeah. Offspring is good. Young is good. Um... Progeny. Yeah, um... Your, uh...

He's... The synthesis between you and your Yeah And your mate Good one Yeah This is like Like a genetic half me who's really small

You're You're You're inexact half copy A semi Demi copy Yeah good Demi We were just trying to find more words for children Yeah semi-demicopy? Yeah, good. Demi... We were just trying to find more words

for children. Children, good one. Oh, children. Well done, Al. I think we can stop. Okay. Or we can keep going. Did you mention the wolf thing?

Because I also think that the wolf thing is funny. Like, treating the symptoms of wolf attack. And there is no cure. Yeah yeah there's no cure for being attacked by a wolf science science hasn't come up with a cure for being attacked by a wolf like doctors aren't yeah there's really like though all medicine is to do with the thing that's happening to you now like you like you're the situation of being attacked by a wolf is not dissimilar to cancer because you can treat wolf attack when the wolf is done attacking you and if it's the same way like you couldn't say like

listen obviously you have cancer and uh i think i'll really be able to help you out when you don't have cancer when the cancer stops attacking you I don't think I can do much. Because you still have cancer. This doctor is flawed. This is his character flaw, that he only treats the symptoms. Yeah. And not cause a shock. Yeah, okay, so when the cancer is gone, is finished up,

we'll be able to move in. I like the idea that maybe they're going to try to cure the wolf by using radiation treatment. This is a bit experimental. Hopefully the wolf will develop a

cancer. We hope that the wolf will go into remission. We can shrink this wolf. Oh no. When we use the radiation therapy on it, it actually had a cancer. We've actually extended its lifespan. We cured the wolf of its disease.

But we did not cure you of the wolf. We can... Listen. We can... This is... I haven't tried this yet, and it's amazing that I have this here at my medical practice, but I can attack the wolf with a smaller wolf. Throw another wolf on the wolf. Fight fire with wolf. Yeah.

Or wolf with wolf. This is a pharmaceutical grade wolf. Yeah. That's like homeopathy. Yeah. We've diluted the wolf. But also the wolf, it turns out the wolf was attacking your cancer. So when you actually do cure the wolf,

the wolf was attacking your cancer. Like there's just like a tumor in your leg. And he's just... You know those dogs that they've trained to sniff out cancer if the only breed of dog that could do that was like a really aggressive dog so like as soon as a rottweiler started really fucking you up you'd be like well this is horrible but at least we've at least he's getting that cancer sure is worse than the disease this dog only they could invent a non-invasive

Dog? Dog We want to try and refine this dog And find whatever it is about the dog That attacks flesh There must be some element of this dog And we've been doing processes on the dog To try and isolate that

So that we can just have The flesh attacking part of the dog Without all the other stuff of the dog, to try and isolate that so that we can just have the flesh attacking part of the dog without all the other stuff of the dog. Yeah. There's, um, yeah, and you could have, like, different types of, like, the idea of the homeopathic, uh, doctor or whatever, uh, trying to use wolves as well, dilute the wolf. But then you could have a guy who's, like, into preventative medicine, so he's trying to, like, feed you types of wolves that will keep away wolves.

Feed you types of wolves? I don't know, maybe. Or feed you stuff that will keep away wolves. Okay, I like this. Okay, somebody's being attacked by a wolf. They go to the doctor, and a series of different doctors come through and try and help them, including a gynecologist. Yeah, or maybe it's just one holistic doctor that talks about your options. Okay, maybe we could start feeding your children with things that will stop them from getting

attacked by wolves. It may be genetic. Well, there's probably, yeah, there's nothing we can do maybe for you, but we can definitely test to see whether or not this will be passed on to your children. You'll be able to select embryos who are less likely to be attacked by wolves, so the future generation doesn't have to live with this shocking disease. Okay, there's a lot of stuff there. So that's doctor treating man on fire who only treats the symptoms, but also attacked by wolf. Yeah.

Good. Well summarized. Yeah, thanks. I mean, I could... Did you know one out of 20 Australians are attacked by wolves? Are being attacked by wolves? Being attacked by wolves right now. But they may not even know it.

A lot of people are embarrassed to talk about it. If you think you or a family member is being attacked by a wolf, consult your medical professional.

Has somebody's personality, you've got to try to be aware of what the people around you might be suffering from wolf attack.

Has their personality changed? Are they screaming a lot more than they used to be? It's possible they're being attacked by a wolf. I think the way you would... It's like a guy who he just... He only discovers it as a symptom for a different thing. He goes to his doctor and says,

I've really been having trouble sleeping. And he's like, oh, are you being attacked by a wolf? He's like, could that be it? Because I have. Have you spent any time in the forest recently? I have put on some weight. How much did dog, to wolves weigh? Well, a full grown timber wolf.

A timber, oh, I know. I'm pretty sure this is a flesh wolf. Oh, a flesh wolf? Yeah, not a timber wolf. Oh, no, I'm pretty sure this is a flesh wolf. Oh, a flesh wolf? Yeah, not a timber wolf. It eats flesh, it's made of flesh. It was such an interesting concept and I punned it. You punned the interesting concept.

That's cool. I mean, it could almost be two sketches. The guy who's on fire. And then you would just have to... This would be in a sketch sketches. And then you would just have to, this would be in a sketch series. And then you would, there'd be, you know, one episode. And then you could just, you could hit other aspects of it. You know, just not make the same joke, jokes every time.

That's what I would suggest. Yeah. You know, some sketch writers would go for that same joke more than one time. But I think... The more angles that we can attack it from. Much like a wolf. Or a pack of wolves. So yeah, a pack of wolves would probably

attack... A good group of... Like, a good sketch writer is like a pack of wolves. They'll attack something from many angles. Actually, packs of wolves would probably be quite good sketch writers if you could get them into a room. If you could.

Like a writer's room. Yeah, that would be great, actually. Put them in there with Tina Fey. Yeah, she'd probably be able to wrangle them. You've seen the way she handles those people in 30 Rock. She's really good as a leader. People in comedy, a bunch of pack of animals. Pack of animals.

A bunch of undisciplined wolves. Yeah, undisciplined canines. Are there canines? Yeah, there are canines. All right. Are bears canines? Because they look canine a bit. No, they are ursine.

Ah. As in Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, the bear constellations. What about people called Ursula? Is that... No, I'll say bears. Actually, bear. Everyone named Ursula. Name Mishka means little bear.

Hmm. So that too. Little bear bottom. What about a purse? Is that a pea bear? Okay, forget it. On to the next things. Anyway, bears are great.

Ursula in The Little Mermaid was a half octopus. So that's confusing. So they got that wrong. Her name should have been Octala. That would have been awful. Anyway, bears are probably my favorite animal. Probably the grizzly up there. I always find it sad going and seeing the bears at the zoo because I've never seen them, because they're always just laying there or pacing. Yeah. Pacing is not good. Laying and pacing. I'd rather they were laying than pacing. Like, the pacing makes it feel like they're insane, but maybe they're just getting exercise.

Like, maybe that's all they're doing. Maybe they're insane, but maybe they're just getting exercise. Like, maybe that's all they're doing. Maybe they're just thinking. Yeah. What if you saw bears, and they were getting exercise in a way that they were obviously training for something? Like, they were clearly doing obvious push-ups and, like, chin-ups

and things. And running through those tires? Yeah, there was one bear, uh was one bear. One bear was, like, holding up mitts, and the other one was sort of slashing at the mitts. I think, like, you'd be... Like, that would be great to see, but at the same time, you'd be like, they're busting out of here.

They're on their way out. They're on their way. You can't. They're making rope, and they're, like... Yeah, this is like... This is like Ocean's Eleven for bears. Yeah, this is like... No, not Ocean's Eleven, The Great Escape. Yeah.

They've got a vault, they keep jumping over. I like the idea of a bear heist, but they're heisting their way out of a zoo. Like, is there movies about that, about animals trying to get out of zoos? Definitely. Oh wait, what's that movie? Madagascar. Madagascar. Madagascar. Don't they? Oh, that's what that's about, isn't it out of zoos? Definitely. Oh, wait, what's that movie? Madagascar. Madagascar. Don't they?

Oh, that's what that's about, isn't it? Do they tunnel? Is that how they get out? Yeah, I think so. Tunnel. I think we just wrote Madagascar, guys. Congratulations. Do you reckon it's too late to ask for royalties?

Sacha Baron Cohen's on board. Yeah. We'll give him a more mainstream role. Sort of main role, not mainstream. He could play Bear number one I just Made a gas car

You couldn't get An electrical More environmentally sound Yeah you didn't think About using something That was a bit Should have That was a bit more

Renewable Yeah Made an electric car I had an idea For a movie once Where it was it was a giant tortoise and he's in a zoo and he's the only giant tortoise in his cell he's been there for ages because they live really long yep and like as far as animals go like he's he's super smart like he's like this like tortoises i think are a smart animal anyway. That might not be true.

I think that's true. Okay, well, I got that idea in my head somehow. But take it outside. Within this movie, he's the smartest tortoise in the world. Yeah. And the oldest one in the zoo. Yeah, smartest tortoise in the world, oldest one in the zoo. However, he's...

Because he's the only one in the zoo, he's never seen another tortoise. So, from his point of view, even though he's the world's smartest tortoise, he just thinks he's the world's dumbest human. Because he can't see his own reflection, and he sees everyone else as humans. And anyone he deals with is humans. And he hasn't done anything wrong, but he's still in this cage. So he figures, well, obviously something's up. And I've got to be just the dumbest one of these guys

because they all know all this stuff. They're walking around with clothes and doing jobs and shit. And they've got me in this cage and they just sort of feed me leaves. So obviously I'm just the dumbest human. And then at the end of his life, something happens at the zoo where he's able to escape and walk don't know what happens but for some reason he's able to like escape and walk around and he sees other animals

and reflections and then maybe they introduce another tortoise or something wait are the animals in reflections? like he only sees an animal in a mirror?

maybe yeah maybe no I don't know why that would work yeah the point I wanted to stress in case

in case the listeners are at this point emotionally invested in this tortoise. Yep. It's a happy ending. He understands by the end that he's different to humans and he's a really good version of the thing that he is. And his entire life was wasted. Yeah. All 200 years.

Yeah. He probably has wasted more life than any other creature ever. Yeah. So he regrets that. Yeah, I mean, what kind of journey would he go on? Would it be more of a mental journey throughout his zookeeping? You could definitely do it as an animated thing where you see him as a young tortoise and you see him grow up. And you'd go through it quite quickly.

This is live action footage of a tortoise. I'm not bending on it. This will not be animated. It will be a static shot of one tortoise. And I refuse to use voiceover. It's all, I'm relying on the tortoise's acting chops to convey the emotion. This is because Jack, for some reason, thinks tortoises are quite smart.

Yeah, I was... Is there an animal that I would... Like, that's in the same, like, category of tortoises that is smart? Oh, a macaw? I think what... They live for a really long time. I think I've been told that elephants are smart

and elephants live really long and I've thought, hey, tortoises are smart. Obviously, they have the same amount of time to learn things. And they've got like a similar skin texture. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Well, all right. I'll... Okay. Sorry. Go ahead. And you can see the evolution of the tortoise from... Like the evolution. I just think it would be like Up, but for tortoises.

Yeah. It's a good movie. I'd watch that. And so does he get a house that flies? Well, his house is his shell, so I imagine he probably just ties balloons to himself. And he has a small scout boy running around inside him. That would be a much different movie

if, like, in the movie Up, the old man didn't have the foresight to tie it to his house, he just tied it to him. The movie would be so much different if he just flew away and was just immediately caught by the wind and taken away. That guy who tied hot air balloons

to his deck chair and went up in the sky, that was a real guy, right? Yeah. And what happened to him? Did he survive? He did, yeah. That's freaking ridiculous, right right he was fined a lot because of going into uh airspace that he wasn't allowed to be in because of planes and stuff i think and i

think and he said he'd never do it again but he was happy that he did i'll never do it again but he was holding his fingers crossed but i mean that's a pretty fun thing to do Isn't it? That guy's lived He's done more than anybody who climbed Everest That is better than that And he's been higher I hope

I don't know about that You think you went higher than Everest? No because at the top of Everest You need special oxygen things to even breathe. Like, you can't take a step without having, like, a huge amount of oxygen from tubes. I think you can. I think, like, the first guys did it without oxygen. Yeah, I think actually they did.

Hillary and Tenzing? Yeah, that's true. No, I think it was men. Oh, yeah. Sorry. My favorite thing about that guy though is like if you have a harebrained scheme normally

like it's kind of an impulse and you can do it impulsively but that took enough planning that there would have been big periods

of time where like his friends would be like asking him hey what are you up to and he's like oh funny you ask I'm acquiring helium to

so I can fly in my deck chair so he did it with weather balloons I think so helium so I can fly in my deck chair. So he did it with weather balloons? I think so, yeah. I guess that's better than party balloons. Yeah. How many weather balloons did he need? I don't know. Did he strap himself into the deck chair or was it a really flimsy deck chair? I don't know. He strapped his whole budget on balloons and then he just had the worst deck chair. His folding't know. He's dropped his whole budget on balloons and then he just had the worst deck chair.

His folding camping chair. Is it like a folding camping chair with the cup holder and stuff like that? Or was it just

like a solid plastic one that you have for an outdoor setting? So many questions. Could he recline his chair? Did he have a

seatbelt? Yeah. Good question. I don't know. Is that what they made the movie Danny Deckchair out of? Yeah, I think it is. Yeah. I hope he got some money for that.

And then it paid for his fine. Why is it called a fine? A lot of people aren't fine with fines. That's true. Yeah. Oh, fine. Fine. Fine.

Thank you. Well, it's funny because, like, yeah, that's why, like, it's like with fee. Like, it's like, oh, because when I did a gig, they said the fee is $75. And I thought that meant, like, you have to pay $75. And I was like, yeah, I'll do it. But I don't want to have to pay $75? And I was like, yeah, I'll do it. But I don't want to have to pay $75. And they said, fine. And I said, oh, all right, well, if it's a fine,

I guess I have to pay it. Yeah. But people have done that fine joke a lot, haven't they? Have they? I think so. Well, maybe. Probably. I can't remember if somebody, yeah, somebody said,

oh, look, I got a compliment on my parking the other day. I went up to my car and said, fine. Parking, fine. That's right. Yeah. No, that's probably the best version of that joke that could be done. Well done to that person. Good job.

Full credit. Good job. All right. We're on two sketches. I went up to a parking spot the other day. It said parking meter. I said, I'm going to need a bit more space than that. Hey.

What was that, golf? It was a guy hitting it out of the park. My favorite thing to do when I'm introducing an act, like when I'm seeing a gig or something and I'm introducing like an act like if I'm seeing a gig or something and I'm introducing a comedian is I'd say like

if you're looking for this gig in the park you better look somewhere else because this guy is going to knock it out of that park.

Yeah. Yeah. You probably want to go outside to the the car park. That's the park you should be looking in for this gig. This is a thing that I've wanted to do on stage.

It's just like, talk about how when you're on stage and you ask the audience, how are we all doing? People go like, woo, or something. It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those.

Gold tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly.

Product availability varies by region. See app for details. But if you did that in a different country, a regular life, and you said, how are you doing? And someone said, woo! You'd be like, no. That's a bad response. You go, oh, I guess I get what you mean. And you go on with your life. Probably wouldn't be a big deal.

In this comedy world we exist in where people express emotions through cheering, if they weren't doing well, would they just go, ah! Oh! I can't do a woman's scream anymore. You used to be able to do a really good woman's scream Is there a way you can scream To show indifference? You could just like What about this?

Yeah Yeah Just like a real monotone Kind of like I think for a scream To be a scream You really need to open your throat Ah

Nah I don't consider that to be a scream Ah Nah Ah That was pretty close to a scream, actually. Can we just... Can you be ready...

Wait, can we just act out a... Could you both be ready to do that noise? Yep. Just be ready? Alright, okay. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. How's everyone doing tonight? Alright, well, hopefully... We've got a lot of good acts coming up anyway.

They'll get you in a better mood. I know you're just doing fine at the moment. Alright, it's been kind of a bit of a wet weather at the moment. I didn't spend much time outside today. today uh there's a sketch in that that's the that's the emotions of a of a crowd through screams yeah and so then you could just go through and then you could just see a group of people going uh and like regret what would regret be like yeah it's a vocabulary of screaming like we've tried to expand the range of emotions that scream. Screams as an organisation are trying to appeal to a broader demographic, so they've released a range of new products.

It's like when people promote eggs. You know how there's an egg corporation? There's a scream corporation. You guys, the Australian Scream Institute, the ASI, they're trying to get screams out there. They released a range of corporate screams for shareholder meetings and business encounters. Hey!

Yeah, exactly. Yeah! Yeah. You know, screams for the busy commuter. Some pocket screams Bite sized screams Bite sized screams Hey

Hey Yeah I'm here I represent Screams Australia I'm here to tell you Too long Our organisation Has just been

Associated with Terror And Rage And Anger Extreme angst, extreme angst. Warfare.

And that is not the image of Screams Australia. And look, Screams have got a fantastic market presence. Our brand is very strong. People know us for what we do, and they appreciate it. And we're facing a similar dilemma to when the Sharpie Corporation, so well known for their permanent markers, wanted to broaden that,

use that brand to build upon. Sorry, go on, Jack. Now, you see, when, as children, as babies, it's all about screaming. And then somewhere in the process of development, we become less about screaming. What I'm here to say, in the same way that as an adult it's important to remember to play, it's important to be silly and simple, it is important to just scream everything you feel all the time. And we can't help but feel that as adults, as the screams left our life, there went our innocence with it. Right? And we're trying to regain that back, you know, get that innocence back.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for every occasion. Not just ice cream. Not just... Donuts. Steak. Regular cream. Regular cream. Sour cream.

Bus tickets, anything. If you can say it, you can scream it. That's our motto. The diversity of the language of screaming is as versatile as whispering and murmuring and speaking at a regular volume. Your friends at Screaming Australia saying to you... Say it loud Say it incomprehensible I scream And I'm

And I vote And I vote I scream and I vote I never realised really Like when people They're talking about embracing Your inner child Your inner child is constantly screaming. Yes.

But when it wants attention. Your inner child is just scared of everything. Well, no, to be honest, they don't say your inner infant. I think we draw the line. That's true, that's true. Nobody wants you to embrace your inner infant. Nobody wants you to embrace your inner infant. And if you have an inner infant, actually, you should probably get that removed because it's probably pressing on some of your organs and making it.

Release your inner child. Is that something you can say to pregnant women? Yes, that's definitely something. And they just, you know, the doctor told me to release my inner child, so I started doing crayon paintings and, you know, laughing at the world. And then it got to like three weeks later and he said they'd have to induce the pregnancy if I didn't give birth quickly. I said, oh, I misunderstood you. I was trying to hold it in.

I was holding in my inner baby. Release your inner fetus. Lady, we don't have time for this stuff. We've got eight men being attacked by wolves right now. Dad in emergency. They have their own ward.

Just for wolf attacks. We've got a guy down there getting attacked by eight wolves or one sketch writer. It's the equivalent of being attacked by one really good sketch writer. Getting attacked from every angle. People refer to, like in journalism, the main office. Did you write

that thing down? The Institute of Screams Australia? Yeah. And then it says promoting and diversifying screams. Yeah. Great. Screaming. Could they just be called Scream Australia,

and then it's all the people who are trying to deal with Screen Australia are always, like, sending them scripts and, like, grant applications? But occasionally someone will apply for a grant for a really long scream. They've been planning for a long time. They've got a scream play they wrote? Yeah, yeah. The Great Australian Scream.

We've got to get Hugh Weaving in this scream. Yeah. David Wenham has agreed to just yellll at birds for the next three weeks If you want to fund this David Wenham will just be Shouting at Fed Square If you want to come look at him If you want to come look at him

Come here David Wenham scream Some of the events they put on In journalism though The main central office thing In in an editor's office or whatever is called the bear pit a lot of the time. Really? Maybe. That's what it was called in State of Play. What's State of Play?

It's a Russell Crowe movie. Oh. Who's Russell Crowe? He's an Australian New Zealand actor. What's an actor? An actor is somebody who takes on the persona of another person to represent that person. What is a person? A person is a sort of a being that has a consciousness.

What is a being? that has a consciousness. What is a being? A being is... You know existence? A being is a section of existence that is alive. No, is aware of its own being. Did you just use being in the definition of being?

I don't know what existence is. What is that? You know something existence is. What is that? You know something and nothing? Okay. This is the something. What is something? Oh, you're something.

Okay. We're all something. Yeah, you're right. You're really something. You're really something. That's not a compliment. You're really something.'s not a compliment You're really something But it kind of is You are something

You are something you I'd rather someone say that I'm something Than I'm nothing You're really not nothing You exist Really You're really something There is nothing that is nothing about you.

Yeah. It's really sweet. You should put that on Valentine's Day cards and also people who just got really into philosophy and they're not sure if they're real. The you're not nothing range of... Yeah, it's for like, yeah. People in love and also first year philosophy students.

Yeah. Just need to be reaffirmed. You're really something. Oh, thank God. Yeah. Woo! And the version, yeah, and then, yeah,

the one that's like for lovers has just got a blank part, you know, it just says love and then you just write your name down in there inside the card. The one for the philosophers is you open it up and then it's got a dissertation explaining why you're not nothing. Yeah. That'd be existentialists, wouldn't it?

No, I don't think so. I think those people would be more about the meaning of existence. Anything with philosophy, for me, is in the same category as keelhauling. Like, I'll throw it out there. I'll throw that word around. I'll act like, but I don't know. I've read zero books about philosophy. And that is the way in which philosophy is like keelhauling. I think it'd be in some kind of materialism or something like that.

Maybe. I think... Doesn't existentialism deal with the fact that what is around us is what is real? And it's up to you to make up your own decisions based on... You're asking a question of people who don't know enough about that. Well, that's quite philosophical, isn't it? About what the meaning of existentialism is? Yes.

I think it's probably got a pretty defined meaning. That's when they came up with the word, they were like, actually, we're using this word to define this. I came up with a character a while ago who was just called the... I can't remember if it was... Yeah, Terrified Buddhist was his name.

And he would just go around saying stuff like, If there's no self, who am I? It's Terrified Buddhist. Would he have those sudden realizations? Yeah, yeah. That's why it's not Contemplative Buddhist. It all comes at once. He's like,

If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? That's another... Okay, I'm sorry. I'm just going through character. If a tree falls in a forest and I'm there to hear it, I could get hit by that tree.

I mean... Hit by that tree. Where's it... Which way is it falling? If a tree falls in the forest and lands on me and I survive two weeks, at the end of those two weeks, did anyone hear it? Because I heard it, but now I'm dead.

So what about, did it make a sound now that I'm dead? But then I wrote, when people find my body in the side of the tree I've carved with a rock, when this tree fell, yeah, when my blood I've written, when this tree fell, it definitely made a noise. Trust me. But then nobody reads that. But then nobody reads it. Did it make a sound?

Yeah. No, because it's a bit of writing. The writing didn't make a sound? Yeah. Probably made a sort of a squelching sound. Yeah. No, because it's a bit of writing. The writing didn't make a sound? Yeah. Probably made a sort of squelching sound. That'd be awful, like having like a,

have to write with a wound? Because you'd just be rubbing the wound. I mean, unless you're just kind of dipping your finger into some blood and then quilling.

Hopefully it's a stomach wound and there's just a little pool, it's like an inkwell. That's the best kind. Just a little pool of blood you can just dip your finger in. Yeah, hopefully. Yeah, well, okay, well, that one's gone, I don't know if...

We can't really write down terrified Buddhist, that's Jack's idea. No, but that's not... I think this guy who's been crushed by a tree is his own thing. I never got that far. Also, it's not like I'm going to do anything with that idea. It's not like I'm going to pitch a movie called Terrified Buddhist, which is just that one joke. I'm going to write Terrified Buddhist. Yep.

Here it is. Where's the H in Buddhist? I mean, I think it's after the... It's after the Ds. Second D. D, D, H in Buddhist? I mean, I think it's after the second D. D-D-H. Buddhist. Dead.

By. By. Tree. Hmm. I think that's a good premise. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

I thought of this on the same day as Terrified Buddhist, so that's why I think it's in one category. It's a comedian called Jerry Scaredfield. And Jerry Scaredfield, he makes the same observations, but he's just terrified by them. That's Dangerfield, right? No, what? You didn't recognize that there's a Dangerfield? It's like Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, right.

I think I said field instead of Feld. Scaredfeld is what I meant. Jerry Scaredfeld. And he just, yeah, he makes the same observation, but he's just kind of like, on the airplane they have slots for razors. Who is shaving on this plane that needs more than one razor? Who is this giant hairy man on my plane? Is he going to get me?

He has razors. Why? What a help. Like that's Jerry Scared Phil. Right. Anyway.

I feel like I'm like I'm tarnishing the good name of this podcast by bringing in This good name of this podcast hasn't even been

released yet. Yeah. This is the eighth episode and we haven't released any. But we have made it past the

seven episode thing. Oh my god. That's's the dead layer that's the one most podcasts don't make it don't make it past past seven episode without giving up on the whole idea of doing a podcast wow yeah we rehearsed that earlier but i mean we haven't released any of. So if we record the podcasts and none of them are ever released, did we make a podcast? Make a podcast. Yes. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, you did. I mean, that's... Oh, yeah, he's right. You actually did. You made them. No, that's true. All those philosophical questions are slightly bullshit. But, I mean, a podcast probably isn't a podcast if you don't actually podcast it.

I mean, what we've made so far are a bunch of recordings. That's true. That one day could become podcasts. They haven't been casted out. Yeah. These are just pods. These are just pods. Sitting in a basket.

I've always dreamed of having one of those egg-shaped pods that you can, like, as a seat, but that closes, that you can just, I could just have a light in there, and I could just sit and write. A womb? Yeah, like a womb. Like a little womb that I could just, like, be in. Like, just a room that's smaller, like, enough that I could just stretch my legs a little bit in there.

Okay. You probably couldn't do that in most pods. Yeah. But this is a pod that you can do that in. Yeah, yeah. I need a pod that I can do that in. Because I realise it would be quite cramped and I think I probably would stop doing it.

Could you have a pod where there's just little holes that you can poke your legs out? No, no. No, you want to have your legs in the pod with you? No, no. Other people's limbs would be able to get in then. And the idea is that other people outside can't bother you. No, but your legs are out there.

And then you can run around like a cartoon chicken. With the egg. Who's just hatching. No. I don't want that. I don't want that. But that would be great, right? Yeah.

No. No, because also it would fall. It would fall and then you would have the whole weight of the egg supported by your neck. No, there's a harness. I don't want that. I just want a place where I can work that's away from people. I want that. I think I want that more than you want your pod.

No, you don't. I've wanted this for a long time, so I've had a long duration of wanting over a period. Your want is not that dense. No, it is. It's not. It's really dense. It's not that dense. Okay, and also, let's be realistic.

Who's more likely to actually build their pod? Yeah, well, where are you going to get the plastic moulds? I'll find something. No, you won't. Probably,

it'll be left over from a Commonwealth Bank ad. I reckon. They've probably got some superannuation big golden egg. I'll get it in Remainded Lot.

Paint it white. Cut holes in it. Well, I don't necessarily mean to be white. I'll plug up the holes. That's what I'm going to do. I'll just plug up all the holes. Do you think you'd be able to write better, Alistair, if you... if every year you went on a six-month

submarine voyage? Like a really small submarine. Yeah. Yeah yeah I definitely do if I cared about my my writing and comedy career I would

go on a submarine voyage do you not worry though that your comedy would take on too much of a submarine

feel to it like it would be difficult to you know when you you sort of you're too focused on comedy stuff and you realize that you're not relatable to regular people like do you think you'd like the melbourne comedy festival would come around and you'd be real excited about your new show

and you'd be like you know when your uh your depth meter malfunctions well your pressure meter stays accurate so i'm like how am i dealing with this much pressure if I'm near the surface? Explain that. What's that about, guys? That's quite a good submarine joke. Thank you. Thank you. I don't think it would do that. I think I'd be, I'm like, I'm far enough in my comedy. Al, you have said that you write well under pressure.

Yeah. I write better. That's good. Is water pressure, does that count? Yeah. No. Either the night before a deadline or in a submarine. Yeah.

At 10,000 leagues below the sea. Under the sea. Yeah. 10,000 words under the sea. Yeah. That's pretty cool. That'd be a great idea. But, I don't know.

But then also you'd be out of practice from not gigging that much. You'd have to Skype your gigs. Not gigging that much. Hey, so you've been gigging much? Not really. I've been under the sea. Are there just one-man submarines that you can get? Yeah, there are. That you could stay in for months? I don't know about staying in for months.

Yeah. I don't know. Like, what would be the consequences of being underwater for that long? Maybe there aren't any. Maybe it's consequence-free. Maybe it's like being in a different postcode. Yeah, it's... Postcode?

No, state. People still mail you stuff? And it's international water, so anything goes. Yeah. I can do anything to myself I want. Not even God can get you under the sea.

There's no jurisdiction. Land mammals is the only thing that he's got access to. In the beginning, he created the heaven and the earth, but the sea was just there. He showed up and he was like, oh boy. I'm not touching that. That's a whole other story.

Yeah. He's actually like a cat. He doesn't like getting wet. Yeah. He only created the heaven and the earth because whales wanted something to flounder up in. Before then, the sea was just a roof. You've got to understand whaleser up in. Before then, the sea was just a roof. You've got to understand, like, whales beaching themselves.

I mean, they must be so curious, right, about, like, what's the deal with land. Yeah. Like... Yeah. Yeah, that's not a mystery at all. Like, how is it... I don't know, maybe the same reason

we go in the water. Yeah. Because why the fuck not? That's why. Yeah, like, it's really... Maybe there's cool stuff in there. What is going on up there? And it must be hard for them to get up there, right?

Like, they must be wriggling up the beach. Yeah. I've seen footage of a bunch of dolphins accidentally beaching themselves. Like, a whole pod of dolphins. Yeah. And then they all beach themselves, and they're like just in the shallow water because they just kind of caught a big wave. Oh. And they went out and then they ended up and then there was no water.

Yeah. And there wasn't enough to sort of carry them back. And even when the water did come up, then they couldn't swim in it. Yeah. But then there was just a group of people there, and they just started dragging them by the tail. Because that was the easiest way to do it. So they were just dragging them by the tail back into the ocean, and the dolphins were not dead. Okay, I want to ask you guys something.

Do you think that different types of whales are currently in a Soviet Union, US-type space race situation with getting on land. Yes. Like, even though they know it's fraught with danger, it's just a matter of pride that they figure out whatever's up there, they need to do it first. Whale JFK said, within a decade, we will put a whale on Mount Everest.

And bring him back safely Everest And bring him back safely And bring him back safely And suffice to say He didn't get re-elected Because I mean they could fake it Yeah The other whales that are

Beaching themselves They're just trying to watch They've been told They've been told. They've been shown videos. They think there's a whale on Mount Everest. Yeah. And they think they can

just go look at it. Yeah. And also, because they haven't actually been there, they think Mount Everest is just right there. I'm writing this one down.

Yeah. Whale, JFK. On the topic of JFKk right there's as as a thing i like sometimes just to get inspired or we're just just motivated about things i've watched quite a lot a youtube clip of his speech about going to the moon yeah where he's like we chose to go to the moon we chose to go and not because it's hard but to the moon. Not because it is hard, but because it is easy. Not because it is easy, but because it is

hard. And that's a really beautiful speech. But there's a line in that speech that's the weirdest thing. This is word for word what he says in that speech. He goes, we choose to go to the moon in this decade. We choose to go to the moon, and this is it. We choose to go to the moon and do the other thing.

Not because it is easy, but because it is. He says, and the other thing. That's actually what, you can look it up, like, and the other thing.

That was in his speech. What? We choose to go to the moon. Is he referring to? And like, people are cheering, like it gets overlooked. It's not like a,

like people cheering loudly and he says it quieter than the moon. But he's like, we choose to go to the moon. I think it might, to give him some credit, it might be the other things. But it's still so weird. Yeah. That he says, and I don't know if it was, like, meant to be. A bunch of other stuff. Yeah.

I have no explanation for that. But watch it on YouTube. A, for inspiration on whatever your goal is but B and get him back safely and all that yeah another thing

you know you can go out to sea pick up the landing pod and all that kind of thing you don't need me to go through all the details yeah

but you know get to the moon that's the most important part I thought it was like there was some other like his political goals were like advancing, advancing the space race, but then also something he was really ashamed of. Well, it was really difficult to talk.

His other goal was just, like, giving every single person a dildo. And he was so embarrassed to even say that, but he thought it would help. So it was just like, and the other thing. I mean, that could be a sketch that could be a historian or a bunch of historians. It's like from a Discovery Channel type thing. Yeah. Talking about what he meant by and the other thing. The other thing.

Well, according to documentation of the time, he was also planning a holiday to Camp David with Marilyn Monroe. And to inspire the American people to make that happen, he put it in a speech. Yeah. But he didn't want to be too specific. But they were still inspired, so it got done.

Well, because it was such a positive mood. Yeah. You know, we could not only put a man on the moon, but also do another thing. But I think it was like a...

We're looking at this from the American perspective. From like the... Looking from another way, when they did land on the moon, like the kind of...

Like the bitter Russian cosmonauts were like, well, they still haven't done the other thing. So, still have to do that other thing. Can't wait to see this other thing. Maybe we beat them to this other thing.

We will do the other thing. Did the Russians ever put a man on the moon? I don't think they did, did they? I don't know. I think they did. Like, not... I think they must have. I don't think they did. Maybe they... Actually, yeah, maybe you're right. I don they did. Like, not... I think they must have. I don't think they did.

Maybe they... Actually, yeah, maybe you're right. I don't know. But, yeah, well, there's no... I haven't seen any footage of other... Who's, like... You know there's footage of them playing golf and stuff like that? Is that when they went back, like, several times?

Yeah. So then they brought, like, golf clubs. Yeah. Well, they must have just brought one golf club. No, no, a full set. Because you don't know what the course is going to be like. Conversation leading up to that. We better bring some stuff.

We'll probably get bored on the moon. According to the club rules, you have to have at least, I think, five clubs with you. Otherwise, you have to rent a set from the clubhouse. Okay, right. But they also brought a buggy that they could drive around, right? Yep. Was it a dune buggy?

Probably a moon buggy. Moon buggy. Moon buggy. Little moon buggy. On the moon. On the moon, in the sand. Yep, moon sand. What other kind of activities? Did we play darts up there?

Took a dog for a walk? I don't know. With a yo-yo. Yeah, yeah. They actually did a lot of yo-yo tricks. They did walking the dog. Yeah. Around the world.

Oh! Oh! Yeah. And cat's cradle. To do around the world yo-yo trick on the moon, you just have to stay there for a while. Yeah, just have a yo-yo. Yeah, you just need to own a yo-yo, and eventually it will have gone around the world. How long does it take for the moon to go around the world?

This is a really good question. 28 days? Those are the phases of the moon. Yeah, is that how long it takes for it to go around? Because it's like a weird... Because we're rotating and then it's also going around. Yeah, but we always see the same side of the moon. So while the moon is rotating, it's rotating...

Yeah. It doesn't feel like... How could it not be rotating itself, like even slightly? How can it stay completely stationary? That doesn't seem to make sense. Well, I guess it's like, maybe it's like, you know, a ball is attached by a string. Yeah. You spin it around, the same side of the ball is always facing you.

I mean, I know it's not exactly the same. But it just doesn't seem like there'd be anything stopping it from rotating on its own axis. We're still rotating even though we're going around the sun. Alistair, can you say, how can the moon stay so stationary again? How can the moon stay so stationary? Yeah, at this point it has deep vein thrombosis. Yeah, that's good. That's good. The man in the moon must have DVT by now.

He should really do some ankle exercises We have six now We have six sketch ideas We could just go for one more Just for A baker's half dozen Yeah we do a baker's half dozen A baker's demi-dozen

Demi-dozen Demi-dozen A demi-dozen Demii-dozen? Demi-dozen. A demi-dozen? Demi isn't really used enough for half. You know, like, you know, it's not a demi-trailer. Semi-trailer? Demi-dozen of eggs.

Demi-Lardner? Where's the other half? Demi-more. Demi-more? Yeah, demi-more eggs. Demi-Lardner ever met the other demi lardner and they combined to make one they were the best comedian ever are there two demi lardner comedians no okay um yeah but i mean i feel like a person who's not ever done comedy, joining up with another person who does do comedy, they might just impede that other person. Probably.

That first person, because then it's two minds. One of them that's only just getting this grasp of comedy, you know, being four years in or whatever. You know, all of us. That's what I'm talking about me, really. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. No, drag us down. Yeah.

And then another person who doesn't have a clue. I think it would just... It would dilute the original comedy skill. Can I do a character called Semi-Lardner? Yeah. And what it is, is... What about Quarter-Lardner? One-eighth Lardner.

There's also Hemi. Because you can have a Hemi-Demi-Semi-Quaver. Which is a musical note. Hemi Demi Semi Quaver. Hemi Demi Semi Quaver. It's like a duration of a note.

Is a Hemi half? I think it might also be half. Anyway. There's not enough talk about demigods either yeah like i like i like demigods that like when that's just interesting to me like more so than i like gods because like gods are cool but like the that's why i think like how most religions now I kind of like there's one god who sort of just does everything

and then like also the god doesn't pull any shit really like he like there'd be gods who would sort of

sneak like they'd turn themselves into animals and like sneak onto earth and have sex with people and then their kids would be demigods

and like that's just demigods are more relatable because they've had a similar upbringing to us. Yeah. But also they're a god. Like, yeah, I think... They could probably really shed some light

on the god experience. Yeah, because like, you know, it's like Jesus is kind of like the one-third of God that is the most sort of easily accessible because who the hell knows what the Holy Ghost is up to? Yeah. Right? And the Father seems to be just an asshole.

Do you think demigods, they're kind of like the Eurasians of gods? Yeah. Yeah. Because I think it's difficult to, like, if you're having a conversation, like, what's an example? If you're having a conversation about, let's say about gay marriage, and it's very like, gay marriage is a very bad example, actually. So you're having a discussion about some sort of politics in Europe, right? And you just hear...

European politics, for example. European politics. And you're talking about the little bits you've heard on the news and you're having an interesting discussion with another Australian friend. Yep. And then a mutual friend of yours shows up who was born and completely grew up in that part of Europe. And they say, well, actually, you know, because it's this and this and this,

and they have all this... They grew up in that. They have good insights. They're from there. And that's sort of... You have a clear good end of that discussion, really. You can't be like, no, actually, I don't care that you know everything about this.

And that's like a good... I can. I can still argue. But people are always having that discussion about what God is. Maybe God's like this. Why would God do this? But if they were just half-gods roaming around, they could say,

listen, as a god myself, I think I can sort this one out. Yeah. It would be just good to end. Theological discussions would be cleaner. So demigods would be great. Maybe just to lighten some of the load on the wars and things like that they are caused by by uh and like comedians who can talk about comedians are always making fun of god right but comedians like you can only really do jokes like about like black people if you're black like

it's just the rule of how it works. So then nobody could talk about religion unless... Look, I can talk about this. I'm part god. I can make these jokes. I'm demigod. My dad's a god. I can talk about this. And they would be always being called for...

They'd be appearing on the news all the time and commentators on natural disasters and stuff. And they're like, oh, you've got to look at this from God's point of view. As a demigod myself, I have to say that sometimes I do find mankind's tolerance for sodomy kind of frustrating. So you can see how, like, for him, it's always been his policy that that's bad.

And anyway. So I've just written down demigods as PR for the divine Yep PR slash interpreter Slash spokesperson I mean like you know I speak God Like moderate people in the Muslim community

Are often called upon to Talk about But it's funny that we have to say like moderate Not that we have to but that we do moderate. Like, no, not that we have to, but that we do. Like, that should just be, like, what people call Muslims. Yeah, you're right. You know, moderate people within the Muslim community.

You know, like, moderate Christians. Like, no, it's just Christians. And then some lunatics. Yeah, and lunatics. Yeah, stop calling them people who follow a set. I think sane people should regularly be called on

to denounce the actions of psychopaths. Yeah. You know, otherwise, sane people are just tolerating what psychopaths do. Yeah. And they're implicitly

encouraging it. Yeah, implicitly. Implicitly. I wish I knew that word. Yes. Well, I guess that might be the end of today.

The end of the podcast. So today we have our sketches are the KKK is a cream company that aims to whiten the skin of veiny Asian women.

Oh, yeah. And also the K is silent. Yep. Doctor treating man on fire who only treats the symptoms.

Also people attacked by wolves. We've got the Scream Australia, or the Scream Institute, which is promoting and diversifying screaming. We've got a terrified Buddhist who was killed by the tree. He claimed that he could hear it. But nobody read his claim. There's Whale JFKk who promises to get a whale

on everest and and bring him home back safely and then other whales beach themselves so they can look at it happen um historians on on discovery channel talking about what jfK meant by and the other thing in his Space Race speech. And then Demi Gods as the PR slash interpreters for the Divine. Cool. Good one. That's something. Yeah, yeah. There's definitely some interesting stuff there.

Yeah. All right, well... Boom, boom, ba-ba-boom, boom, boom, ba-ba-boom, boom, boom, ba-ba-boom, boom, boom, ba-ba-ba-boom. Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugg The wind is whistling through the jackdruces. The druce does sound like a type of tree. Yeah. It probably is. Thanks for listening, guys.

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