Two In The Think Tank - 09 - "UCF" - With Peader Thomas

Episode Date: July 1, 2013

 See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hey, Welcome to... To a Think Tank.

Episode 9. The show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. Yeah. And we're on a bit of a guest... This will be the second episode with a guest, so it'll be one more and then it'll be a pattern. Yeah. Yeah, it's fast becoming a pattern.

It's fast becoming a pattern. It's well on its way yeah um we're on a guest bender a knitting pattern no no that's the guest it's the guest it's it's can't talk until you say my name yeah yeah so uh we're on a guest binge at the moment no no no no no and but he's here he's here. He's here. Yeah. And he's... What's one more thing? Like, we've got Bender and we've got Binge. What's one more thing?

Because then it'll be a pattern. Well, it'll be like we're on a bit of a guest crawl. Yeah, good. Getting drunker and drunker with every guest. Every guest. It's Pete. Hi, Pete. Hi, Andy.

How are you? Good. Thank you for having me. It's Pete. Hi, Pete. Hi, Andy. How are you? Good. Thank you for having me. It's wonderful to be here. It's wonderful to have you here. In your wonderful studios. Yeah. So, we're going to begin.

I think, is Pete a bit quiet there and I'm super loud? Yeah, you're really loud. Well, I just need to enunciate. Everyone's fine. Okay. Everyone's perfect. You need to talk quieter. Pete, you need to just be the same as you are I just need to enunciate. Everyone's fine. Okay. Everyone's perfect. You need to talk quieter. Pete, you need to just be the same as you are.

I need to speak quieter? Okay. Yeah. Okay. So, hey, guys. Andy. Anything going on at the moment in your lives? My nose is a bit runny.

Yeah? Yeah. And I'm not sure if it's because I ate dairy. Oh, dairy. I have a... I'm trying to do a bit of pattern recognition, and my nose is running now. But it's also running a lot of the time when I don't eat dairy.

So I'm not sure. Yeah, that's difficult, right? But I only start taking notice of it when I eat dairy. Yeah, I... This annoys me a little bit, your thing about getting a runny nose from eating dairy. How are you eating dairy? Is it through your nose?

Oh. Because that could be... No, but while I'm eating the dairy, I am finding ways to irritate my sinuses. Yeah. And just with my nails and sort of paper clips and things. Toothbrushes. Yeah. Finding ways.

Yeah. Investigating strategies for irritating your sinuses. So that could be slightly related. Do you just keep repeating whatever your sinuses say? Yeah. Investigating strategies for irritating your sinuses. So that could be slightly related. Do you just keep repeating whatever your sinuses say? Yeah. Because that's really irritating. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I got that. Yeah? Yeah. Nasally. You're irrigating your sinuses and irritating your sinuses. Well, I do do that occasionally, irrigate my sinuses in order to make my... to ease the pain. It's not pain, but it's like a

discomfort. You irrigate them to help... He's got running sinuses, and to deal with that, he puts water up there, right? Because sometimes it happens with, like, it definitely happens with dust, right? So if I... Dairy dust? Oh, it could be dairy dust. You know, it definitely happens with dust, right? So if I'm, if I...

Dairy dust? Oh, it could be dairy dust. Well, I don't, you know, they say that, well, somebody said that, that apparently, you know, people say that dust is just... Is mostly dairy. No, it's mostly dead skins. Well, dead skin cells, but then that turned out to be false. So it could be that it's probably mostly dairy.

That's the last, that's the last thing it could be. Is it one or the other? It's cow flakes. Cow flakes. Cow flakes. Cow flakes. Would that be cow dandruff? So do you just put your face under a tap and just have it run into your nose? No, I put my hand under a tap.

Yeah. And then I will kind of, sometimes I'll just dip my nose in to the pool of water that's in my hand. You might be the next stage in human evolution. We probably need people like you so that one day we'll have trunks and we'll be able to drink through our noses. I've developed processes. Processes sounds like a disease. I've developed processes.

Yeah, and to deal with irritations. And I've found ways. I'm completely self-sufficient as long as I have water. Wait, you're completely self-sufficient as long as I have water. Wait, you're completely self-sufficient as long as you have water and food and milk. So nobody's ever completely self-sufficient. So like some guy goes on the news and he's like, well, this man claims to be completely self-sufficient. And then he's like, well, what do you do? What do you eat?

He goes, oh, well, I have crops in my backyard. Well, you're not self-sufficient. And then it's like, well, what do you do? What do you eat? He goes, oh, well, I have crops in my backyard. Well, you're not self-sufficient, are you? No. You're depending on your crops and your house and things like that. Maybe if you just were sustained only by your fingernails and eyelashes. You could just eat parts of your own body. Yeah. And then you'd be self-sufficient.

And didn't need photosynthesis. Like you didn't need to absorb energy from the sun or water from your surroundings. So you're a rock. Which is completely self-sufficient. Doesn't need anything. Yeah, that's true. I respect the rock lifestyle. I think that's a fun...

Is that why the rock is called the rock? Dwayne the Rock Hudson? He never... Because he's completely self-sufficient. All he needs are his eyebrows. But it's the people's elbow. Yeah. The people's elbow.

Yeah. Does he still use that? No. I guess maybe now... Because he retired the elbow. He retired the elbow. The rock, the self-sufficient being. Where does his forearm come from then, if he's retired his elbow?

The state. Right. Oh yeah, you forget that. That if it was the people's elbow, maybe his elbow was distributed equally amongst all the people. Oh, was it the democratic people's elbow of the rock? People's republic of elbow. Yeah.

Of the rock's elbow. Yeah, that's the thing. Whenever they say people's in something, in the name of something, it's never really the people's. So I reckon the rock put people's in the people's elbow to make it seem like it was democratic. But really it was probably just his elbow. I suspect that he was the one who was completely in control of the elbow

and if the people had tried to have anything to do with the elbow he probably would have given them the people's elbow. So people couldn't vote for what the people's elbow was supposed to be doing. No. It was a dictatorship over the elbow. Ultimately, yes. We discovered that, yes. I feel like there's maybe two sketch ideas here.

Whoa. Wait, wait. I think first of all, there's the guy who claims to be completely self-sufficient, and then he turns out to be a rock. Yes. Or he turns out to not be completely self-sufficient, but he is. And then they claim that the guy is a rock. Okay, wait.

I'll just write guy completely... Like, he's got solar power, but there needs to be a civilization to invent solar power before... Yeah. ...for him to have solar power. Yeah. So, no... Yeah.

And because, yeah, anybody who's not a rock is dependent even on the past. Because even a tree is, yeah, the tree is absorbing things from its surroundings. Exactly. So only, yeah. So a guy completely self-sufficient is a rock. But then can someone challenge him on it and then he says, look, okay, maybe I'm not completely self-sufficient. But when you come out and tell people, oh, by the way, I'm incompletely self-sufficient. Nobody pays you any attention. It's a problem with the media that things either have to be

black or white. That's true. Fifty shades of sufficiency. Exactly. People are incapable of dealing with the fact that insufficiency is a spectrum. I'm on the self-sufficiency spectrum. Yep. I think we're all on the self-sufficiency spectrum.

And it goes from baby, which is completely dependent, to rock, which is completely independent. This is the best, like, today-tonight kind of reporter who will argue about this is the self-sufficiency spectrum? Well, we're all on the self-sufficiency spectrum. I mean... Excuse me. Excuse me, knocking on the door and then, like, arguing with a guy who claims to be self-sufficiency spectrum I mean excuse me excuse me knocking on the door

and then like arguing with a guy who claims to be self-sufficient this is a character that I wanted to have it's the everybody should

google Dyson interview BBC right okay because there's a BBC

news reporter interviewing the guy from Dyson the vacuum cleaner yeah the Dyson man himself about the from Dyson the vacuum cleaner? Yeah, the Dyson man himself about the new Dyson Airblade, which is the hand dryer thing, right? You put your hands in, you pull them out, and it dries

them in one movement, right? In airports. In airports and stuff, yeah. But the BBC reporter, you get the impression that he's just been dragged off reporting in the Middle East or something to do this interview because he's so angry and he just challenges the Dyson guy on everything, just like mundane facts. So the Dyson guy's like, oh, the reason we're able to do this is because we invented a motor that's able to spin up to five times faster than the previous best fan motor. And the guy interviewing him is like, why should we care?

Why should we care that you've invented this faster motor? And he's like, well that's because that's how we're able to deliver the speed. But what effect does that have on anybody's life? The fact that you can't challenge people on I don't know.

How dare you improve on something that you had before? It was good enough. But what does that matter? What's the point? I like to dry my hands in the sun. I like that, yeah. And he's trying to apply a greater range... Burden of proof or something?

Yeah, or like a range of effect that this public hand dryer should have. Yeah. It's like, well, how... You know, public hand dryer should have. Yeah. You know, on the, like, well, how, you know, my kids are still hungry. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. My kids are still hungry. Like, you can just report a catapult to feed his kids?

Yeah. They're right here. Look at them. Is it feeding them? Yeah. So everything has to be relative to everything else. Yeah. Is it feeding them?

Yeah, so everything has to be relative to everything else. So everything, unless it's the creation of life itself, or someone invents pottery, like, anything else isn't good enough. It's not the wheel, though, is it? Yeah. Well, I mean, there are wheels in it. Is this going to lift thousands out of poverty? I mean, it's a new flavour of tea,

but really, I mean, it's not Mother Teresa, is it? I like that when he says, it's not feeding, like, my kids are still hungry. And as you pan over to the kids, one of the kids finds like a quarter of a Snickers still in a wrapper on the Dyson. And he picks it up and starts eating it. So it is feeding his kids. Or the kids could be cooking something on the Dyson, and he picks it up and starts eating it. So it is feeding his kids. Or the kids could be cooking something inside the Dyson Airblade. Because if you left a fish in there for long enough, it would dry out and it would cook. I don't know if it would cook, but it would definitely dry out.

Yes, that's true. It's drying things out the same as cooking them. We'll be right back after this. You know, you can cook things with lemon. There's a Peruvian thing where they just squeeze lemon over a fish. The acid cooks it. The acid cooks it. Because cooking is actually just a process of denaturing proteins.

Oh, my God. And that's what acid does? Acidaturing proteins. Oh my god. And that's what acid does? Acid denatures proteins. Oh, that's unnatural. Yeah. Well, it's denatural. Like gay marriage. Yeah.

Denatural. It's too much acid. Oh, gay marriage is acidic, is what we're trying to say. And straight marriage is basic. Yeah. Right. Alkaline? Alkaline.

Alkaline. Yeah. So, just to go back, okay, we have trying to say. And straight marriage is basic. Yeah. Right. Alkaline. Alkaline. Alkaline. Yeah. So just to go back, okay, we have two sketch ideas. And that's why you can't put the two together because there's going to be a fusion reactor. She's going to get water. I know a lot about chemistry.

A fusion reactor. I know a lot about chemistry. Yeah. So we've got two sketch ideas already. We've got the guy who's completely self-sufficient is a rock. So I think what will happen is the reporter goes to his

house and he challenges him on the idea that he's self-sufficient. He goes, you know, I'll show you someone who's self-sufficient. He takes him outside or to a house where there's just a rock living there. And then the other one is that the people's elbow was a dictatorship.

And this is another sketch about a rock, but it's the rock. Now we just need one about the movie The Rock. Yeah. With Nicholas Cage and... Sean Connery. Sean Cage. Cage. Nicholas Cave.

Nick Cage versus Nick Cave. Nicholas Cave Nick Cage versus Nick Cave Nick Cage and Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat I used to always get Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat

and Nicholas Cage from The Rock confused Johnny Cage I think I thought they were the same person Who was Johnny Cage? Was he the one

with the metal arms? No, that was Jax I don't actually remember I never played it but I heard people talking about it at school You never the metal arms? No, that was Jax. I don't actually remember. I never played it. But I heard people talking about it at school. You never played Mortal Kombat? No. I did.

I played it once or twice. There's something missing. I don't know. Is it Mortal Kombat? Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of Mortal Kombat, I was thinking about Ultimate Fighting. Speaking of Mortal Kombat, I was thinking about Ultimate Fighting. I like the idea that it's just two guys pinning each other down.

UFC. UCF is the champion. Ultimate Canadian football. Ultimate Canadian fighting. Oh, Ultimate Canadian fencing. Ultimate Canary Fishing You were trying to not say fucking

Weren't you I was Actually I was trying not to say fisting Canary fisting Ultimate canary fisting Old tiny fist McGee So Canary fister So much more intense So, Canary Fister.

So much more intense than regular Canary Fisting. I know. For some reason, I was going to talk about ultimate fighting. And I think in my mind that it was just like, it's two guys. Sorry. I'm going to stop you. Because that's really funny. Like, I don't actually think I can imagine anything more intense than canary fisting.

And yet this is ultimate canary fisting. All right, I'm writing it down. We've taken away all the rules of canary fisting. Now anything goes. What rules could you possibly have removed? What rules could you possibly have removed? In classical canary fisting, people would wear a glove. Oh, like Greco-Roman canary fisting? Like a huge boxing glove.

The gloves are off. What I'm thinking is it's that you have two canaries in your hands, one in each hand, and that's when you sort of punch people. Oh, my God. You've got a canary in your hand. Boxing, but you're holding a canary to soften the blow. Maybe the goal. Okay, this is completely different to what we were talking about.

Or they're brass knuckles, except they're canaries. No, I like the idea that... Canary knuckles. Yeah, the canary knuckles. I like the idea that you're holding onto to these canaries and you're fighting each other but the goal is to knock the other person out without

injuring the canaries. That's amazing. That's a really good idea. That's much less horrific than what we were talking about before.

Rather than just crushing them with each blow. But like boxing gloves were introduced into boxing to like stop people from getting hurt.

Yeah. So I think the next step would be to introduce that each of the all boxers have to hold canaries the entire time. Because actually, apparently, more people get hurt more severely as a result of having boxing gloves, they've discovered. Because you can hit harder. The actual injuring your hands was more of a limiting factor in how hard you can punch people.

It's like football players who wear helmets more likely knock themselves out because they feel like, I'm wearing a helmet, I can't be hurt. I'm invincible. I'm invincible. And then it becomes apparent they're not. Same in war. People who wear helmets are more likely because they're just like, well, I can just take some bullets in my head. And now with drone warfare, people who are back at home, say in America, guiding a drone over Afghanistan to bomb people

are actually more likely to get injured because they feel like they're safe, so they're more likely to get shot. Or buy things back at home like cups of coffee and pens I feel like are really invincible because they're a robot. Yeah, tripping over heaters. Yeah, heaters and cords on the ground. Yeah, just they feel godlike and they're more likely to try to smite someone and then get punched in the face.

Smite someone? Smite. Do you think that, you know, what happens on a break during a drone mission? Like, if you leave the room to answer your phone while you're flying a drone around, does that drone just sort of hover around in front of enemy soldiers? I like the idea that on Christmas Eve, all the drones in Afghanistan land and play a game

of soccer against the Taliban. That would be really sweet. They come out, the Taliban come out of the caves and the drones

land on the fields and they just play soccer. Yeah, just to be clear, the giant aircraft. I think that would be a beautiful

sketch. I think it would be a beautiful sketch. I think it would be an almost impossible sketch, but I think it

would be funny. Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve. Which Islam doesn't celebrate. Does not recognise. But you could just have like a... Like you get old guys now talking about you know the first world war well they're all dead now

but the second world war yes saying oh yeah you know this beautiful thing happened there was the Christmas Eve and everyone came and they came out of the trenches and we all all ate the same food yeah yeah that kind of stuff

but then looking back on the Afghanistan war and like the beautiful moments in that and there was this fantastic night Christmas Eve and the beautiful moments in that and there was this this fantastic way everyone christmas eve and the beautiful thing was that the muslims didn't even celebrate christmas eve and they didn't and they couldn't they couldn't touch any of the hair but the but the well neither to be to be clear neither do drones uh because they wouldn't be christians. To be fair, you're not being fair, Al. I noticed you not being fair.

Wait, wait, wait. Are they Christian drones? Do they adhere to the Ten Commandments? Do they know it's Christmas? Do they honour their mother and father? The drones. Our drones serving overseas. That's beautiful.

And then we cut back to America where little drone kids, little baby drones are like talking to their drone dad on Skype. And mummy drone is talking about how hard it is. Be like that famous pro-war poster, Daddy, what did you do during the Great War? Except with drones. But maybe during the soccer game, somebody kicks a soccer ball and it hits like one of the sort of the missiles on the drone and the goalie drone blows up and then the news comes gets back to to like a house where there's just like a mama drone and a

baby John look at an officer comes to the door is the officer also a drug maybe yeah with wearing like an officer's hat and it's got a couple of medals. And then the drone. Yes. Hello little drone, is your mummy there? You know that drone sound? Like This is the most political, satirical thing we've ever... I think it's good. I'm not sure what the meaning behind it is. Well, it's that... It's that drones are people too, I think. Oh, okay.

And then, yeah. Okay, so that's the Christmas Eve drones come down and play a game of soccer with the Taliban, and drones are people too sketch. Yeah, but there's also other stuff that we could do, like how difficult it is for drones after the war to readjust to civilian life. Well, that's because they're built to be killing machines. Yeah, they'd be trained.

They've had all their human emotions removed by not being human. Yeah. They're on a disk drive and they just took it out. But like, for people coming back after the watch, like the sound of a plane overhead that fills them with post-traumatic stress. So for a drone, what would fill it with post-traumatic stress? Like the sound of children playing below or something? He just has these flashbacks to flying above children

and dropping bombs. Oh, God. Yes. Yeah. Wow. I mean, this is pretty intense, guys. It's pretty intense. I know we've crossed the boundary.

Can you make a note about drones coming home after the war, though? Yeah. Drones coming home after the war. I just like the idea that drones are trying to reintegrate into society. Becoming postmen and teachers and just getting a job in the office. But then they get really stressed out and sometimes they just fire off a couple of missiles in the classroom or something. Yeah. And we'll...

Yeah. What was I going to say? It's gone. Yeah, I think you could do it with just some kind of cardboard cutout that's painted white and everything. Yeah, totally. And just have your legs. I think that's totally doable and that we should do it with just like some kind of cardboard cut out that's painted white and everything yeah just have totally like yeah i think that i think this is totally doable and that we should do it and then we can make a version of rambo yes that's like just done with drones that no one in the town accepts this drone for some reason yeah and he's on the outer and then i can't remember what

happens ever there's an evil bad guy. And then he kills everyone? Then he goes to Burma and kills all the Burmese. I think so. Yeah, no, that's Drone 5, I think you're thinking of. Yeah, in Drone 3, he has a fist fight with Dolph Lundgren. No, wait, that's Rocky 3. Tommy Gunn? Tommy Gunn.

He has a street fight with Tommy Gunn. I don't know what that is. That's another Rocky reference. Oh, really? It's a street fight with Tommy Gunn. I don't know what that is. That's another Rocky reference. Oh, really? It's pretty much the only Rocky movie I've seen.

Apollo Creed. No Mortal Kombat. Was your mom against fighting? Maybe. Yeah. Did you have any toy guns at home?

Yes. You did. So I wasn't allowed to. I wasn't allowed either. Really? And we fucking

love violence, so I don't know what happened to you. Yeah. Well, maybe that's exactly the reason. Toy guns lead to less violence? Is that... More guns, less violence?

Yeah. It's been proven. Yep. Done. Done. Right. Move on. Okay.

It's good for you. Let's go. No, people should be allowed to carry toy guns. Why? I think that would decrease the amount of people carrying real guns. People just like to have the object. Just by diluting the real guns? That'll just mean there's more people carrying toy guns, not less people.

Okay. Everybody has a gun, right? But not everybody knows if it's real or not. And then I think that'll make people shoot guns less because it'd be really embarrassing if you got out your gun, you tried to shoot somebody, and then it turned out it wasn't a real gun. It's like a double blind, double bluff or something.

I can't see that ever going the other way where somebody pulls out a gun thinking they've got a fake gun and accidentally shoots somebody. Yeah. I still think Pete's too quiet. Too quiet? I'm sorry, guys.

No, no, but I mean, I thought we could just turn up his mic instead. Okay. Well, how do I sound now? Now you actually sound, I think it looks like it's a normal height. Okay. Cool. Normal height. Normal height.

Thanks, guys. That's really nice. Saying that I'm normal height. Okay, cool. Normal height. Normal height. Thanks, guys. That's really nice. Saying that I'm normal height. I am actually average height, so that's... Are you really? No. Under that.

Does that feel like a failure? Like, when we're below average in something, does that feel like... Yeah, I've failed at life. I mean, at some point, I had all this endless potential, and then I didn't reach it. Because you were too short.

Too short, yeah. It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes.

Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Oh, no, no, no.

Just in being tall. Like in everything else. You came up short. Yeah. Yeah. I had all this potential to be... Taller. To be really tall, and then I came up short.

Yeah. Vertically challenged is a weird thing to say. Do people still say that? I don't think they do, do they? I don't think anyone really said that seriously, did they? No, I don't think so. I think that was probably a joke. A rude thing that sassy Americans would say in movies.

Keith's so vertically challenged. Yeah, like that. Exactly like that. Exactly like that. Let's move on. Yep. I find it weird that people find... I mean, it's mostly among people who are really short,

but, like, that they find being short being a problem. I've heard that it's got to do with when you went through puberty. Like, if you went through puberty a lot later, which would mean you stayed shorter for longer, then you'd have a sort of thing about being short. Some people really, I don't mind. I'm okay with it have a sort of thing about being short. Some people really... I don't mind. I'm okay with it. But you're not really that short.

No, no, I'm not. We've already established I'm just under average. Just under average. Yeah, okay, that's cool. But is there something else that's like that? Like, is there something that you did during high school and then you get a complex about it later on? Probably everything.

Yeah, writing, mathematics, social situations. Oh, not me. I'm just saying things that other people might have problems with. But mathematics is a weird one where people are just like, no, no, no, I can't do maths. Yeah. I can't do maths. No, no, no.

But there are some people who, like, I think it's a thing with kids, I've noticed from teaching, that, like, there are some people who will use that as a defense mechanism. They've learned that they can just say, oh, look, I can't do maths. And then that's like, well, then I don't have to accept responsibility for being bad at it. You know, I just can't do it. Even though you know that there are kids who can do it, like, if something just, if they just find it difficult, they're like, well, I can't do it, and then I don't even have to try. Yeah.

But then there are also some people who I genuinely do think try really hard and can't do it. What do you think it is? Just different types of... Just not tall enough. Just can't reach the sums.

Yep. You put them up there on that top shelf, it's hard to get to them. Do you think they can sort of do like sort of basic... Long division, that's hard for them because they're just not long enough. Yeah, their limbs are too short.

I just don't have the wingspan. Yeah, you're talking about creating some sort of two-tiered system of education, one for short people and one for taller children. Yes, streaming classes based on height. Yeah. Like when you had to line up from tallest to shortest in the room

as like a socialization activity, except this one is to separate the school. Yeah, this was just to find out which ones would be good at maths, which ones could do... Yeah, because on the top shelf. And then you build a wall through the middle of the school. And it doesn't even have to be that high. It doesn't have to be a high wall. Yeah, because all the short people are on one side

and they can't get over it. If only the middles of schools already had walls. I mean, most schools do have walls in them. You can just reorganise them so they're all in the middle. Reorganise walls. Yeah. So there's just two big rooms. There was this thing, I don't know if it was a real thing or just a hypothetical thing,

but about a farmer who discovered you could breed sheep with dwarfism in their legs, so they had shorter legs, and that meant that you didn't have to build your fences as high. And that meant that you didn't have to build your fences as high, right? So if we could breed humanity smaller, we wouldn't need as big buildings or anything like that. Yeah, think about all the money we'd save on... We'd use a lot less resources. Yeah, building materials, fences, steps. Yeah, what if all the steps were half the size?

Then we'd have all this money left over for... More steps. More steps. Boat people. Or we'd have all this money left over for... More steps. More steps. Boat people. Boat people. More steps, yeah. More steps. I mean, we could build our buildings higher.

But boat people, they wouldn't have to have boats anymore. They could just have canoes because they'd be smaller. Yeah. Canoe people. It's harder to argue with canoe people. Yeah, it's true. Those canoe people. Yeah.

Those kayakers coming over here. There's something earthy about canoe people. Like something very kind of... Just patting around. Like they're on a summer camp. Everybody comes over in flannelette shirts. Yeah. Or raft.

Raft people. Ship people. Like everyone's got like a hand line. Vessel men. Like hand fishing lines. Yeah. I don't know. How about that... Ship people? Like, everyone's got, like, hand lines? Vesselmen. Like, hand-fishing lines? Yeah. I don't know. How about that, um, do you guys know about that experiment that they did in schools where,

like, they actually divided people up by, like, eye colour and stuff? And then they, there was an experiment in discrimination. They got kids to, like, divide up. Okay, today we're going to discriminate against people with blue eyes yeah or something it was like it was like it was it was it was an experiment that was done in the united states and this lady has done in a couple of different schools and then she's gone out and she's done it in businesses and stuff where you like you get a group of people and then you decide okay we're going to discriminate against people with this particular feature yeah whatever it is

and then like they they filmed these things. And it's horrible what it does to people. Like, grown-ups getting discriminated against because of their eye colour or something just can't handle it. They break down. But what did it prove in primary school or in schools? Because in a school,

there's already so much arbitrary discrimination going on already. I think that's the point. Okay. But it's just, oh, guys, you guys are already into discrimination. How about we focus all this for the purposes of a scientific test? Let's harness your powers of discrimination and focus it like a beam on blah or blah. Yeah. Or blah.

So what was the results of her study? What did she find out about people and that they were really able to discriminate? I think that both that they were able to and that people saw how much it affected people. Yeah. They did it and how horrible it was. I was thinking about that recently, about the political correctness thing and people complaining about it. It's political correctness gone mad.

Gone mad. But is it like... Because it's not like since political correctness has come in, people have just started getting offended. It's just like, oh, now you have to hear about it. It's like now you know, and also now there's probably legal like, legal repercussions for you. Discriminating against someone.

Discriminating. Or vilifying them. Or, yeah. Yeah. Slandering. That's totally true. Because, like, when... And also, like, the people who get discriminated against, it just used to be that they just

had to put up with it. Right? Yeah. So, like, you would get... You'd say something that was mean to a particular group, and then all the people who agreed with you would be like, yeah, yeah, or laugh at your racist joke or whatever. But the people who you were discriminating against

were probably a minority, so they didn't say anything, so you didn't hear them, right? Yeah, it's not that we've invented being offended. Yeah. We've invented listening to people who you're being cruel to. Yeah, exactly. We've actually put it into the... Because it was just essentially, what's the version of a boys' club,

but with... It's like a white people's club. Let's say in terms of the racism one or whatever. It was just the majority had the power because there was nothing... An oligarchy. No, a... Olive-garkey. An olive-garkey.

You know what? Like one of those, like the rule of the majority. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. A democracy. No, wait, that's not it. Plutocracy?

Plutocracy. That's money. Oligarchy is like kings or just people arbitrarily... Or maybe meritocracy No that's a good one No wasn't that Okay

No That's people being In charge based on Merit The better people Were winning Like Yeah

Yeah But that really discriminates A meritocracy Discriminates against Failure Failure And people who are failures It's not fair is it

Like I mean if you're getting Discriminated against It's probably because You're a shitter Yes I are failures it's not fair is it like i mean if you're getting discriminated against it's probably because you're shitter yes i guess oh it's political correctness going gone mad you can't you can't point out when people are shitter yeah i mean you guys are clearly not as good because why would we be making fun of you so if you if you had a meritocracy and then you'd have sort of an advocacy group for people who weren't very good at anything and how they needed more representation within society. But a lot of people who, like, they get offended about people infringing their right to offend people.

Like, people do get really up in arms. Oh, freedom of speech. You're stamping all over my freedom of speech by telling me that I'm being rude. Yeah. And they come across as being whiny. Yeah. Yeah. Hysterical.

And we're sick of hearing them complain. Yep. Yep. Well, maybe they can get somebody to legislate against them being discriminated against. Political correctness gone mad gone mad. Yeah. My lips are pretty dry. Ceviche.

Yeah. Shapped. Yeah. I always thought it was because I was drinking, but no, it's because I'm not drinking. Maybe it's dairy. Do you think it could be dairy? Andy, you don't like a lot of things.

I like that you don't like people trying to come to their own conclusions about things. Yeah. You'll only like something if it's been proven by science. Yeah. I like scientific orthodoxy, me. Yeah. So dairy, the scientific consensus is out. No one knows how good dairy is or how bad it is.

It does seem to be one of those things where people can't make up their mind if dairy is good. Or some people have made up their mind, and then other people have also made up their mind, but it's a different opinion. But we can't make up our collective consciousness on dairy. Well, also because it's so ingrained in everybody's lives. It's like trying to tell people, actually, chairs are really bad for you, which they also try to tell you, but you've been brought up with chairs. And so it's very difficult to just get it out of your life. Yeah. It seems like, yeah, there's a new study coming out telling you that having lighting is bad for you or being inside is the worst thing you could do.

So you should always be outside from now on well something like that i think the bottom line is that we're all going to die yeah so in a way being alive is bad for you yeah and everything that happens during your life brings you closer to death yeah so in that sense every yeah oh time time is time horrible it's hideous yeah time is bad for you yeah time definitely does increase here time heals all wounds but it also contributes significantly to long-term degeneration so i mean time is kind of a double-edged sword yeah but yeah so so life life is bad for you i mean but like i also hate when people go people just dismiss it all by going like well everything's bad for you everything's bad for you oh you can't this is yeah yeah and that's again probably people who would say things about

political correctness gone mad yeah and why is that? What are people, what are they getting, what is their problem? Change. Or just that. No, that someone said they were wrong. Yeah. And I don't like people telling them that they're wrong. The way they've always done something. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. There's a bit of a guttural reaction when somebody just tells you that something that's stuck in your habits, that you can't do that. Or you shouldn't do that. What? Why? Like, like. stuck in your habits uh that you can't do that or you shouldn't do that what why like like because yeah because that means that like all the stuff that you've done in the past you'd have to accept that that was all wrong which means that you've you know you're you've been wrong for a long time

yeah or that it's been hurting you and something i was like it was bullshit that's absolute bullshit i'm fine yeah my my grandfather uh drank a bottle of whiskey every day and smoked a packet of cigarettes, and he lived to be 92. Yeah, so that's why milk isn't bad for you. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't make you mucusy. Yeah. Andy fought in the war.

It'd be funny if, like... Don't tell me that milk's not good for you. Scientists came out, like, if we turn around, it was scientists using those kind of arguments. So, like, scientists came out and they said, yeah, after much study, we found a guy who smoked a packet of cigarettes every day and lived to be 95. So based on this new information, we're now removing our warnings against cigarettes.

We think they're probably fine. Also, you should have a bottle of whiskey every day. Oh, like it's who's got the better anecdotal evidence. Yeah, anecdotal evidence. But I think that's a cool idea. Like in that there's a, yeah, it's a scientist talking like on the news or something about smoking. He's like, well, our studies found this and this and this, blah, blah, blah.

But then Kevin, who works in... I've got a cousin. Yeah, he smoking. He's like, well, our studies found this and this and this, blah, blah, blah. But then Kevin, who works in... I've got a cousin. Yeah, he has a cousin who drinks a bottle of whiskey a day, and he smokes nothing but like 24 packs of cigars. Yeah. Right? And he's 93 years old. Yeah.

And he's still going. And he's so sharp. He's so sharp. So this is't is this is someone presenting this as evidence in an interview with a scientist yeah about um tobacco controls no it's like scientists no the scientist is saying yeah yeah so yeah after after after discussing his findings in the study he dismisses it all by by by but then yeah, we found this. Yeah. So I think there's probably an error in our experimentation. Yeah, yeah.

And that information about the 93-year-old cousin, that is peer-reviewed because I also met another guy who knew the same guy. Yeah. So... Yeah. Or had heard the story before. Yeah. Someone else had also heard that story.

So I guess... Yeah. Actually, another friend had another cousin who was 86 and had a this story before. Someone else had also heard that story. So I guess... Yeah. Actually, another friend had another cousin who was 86 and had a similar story. I don't have any cousins like that. Mine tragically died of lung cancer. But I'm sure if he had survived, the story would probably be very similar. Yeah. So undeniable proof.

So scientists... Accept anecdotal evidence. Accept anecdotal... The Journal of Anecdotal Science has just released a new study finding that one guy lived to be really old and happy and successful. Yeah, and he did all the things that we previously thought were bad for you. But you could apply this to anything that needs proof. So the legal system, you could...

Like, instead of anecdote, which they call... Circumstantial evidence. Circumstantial evidence or hearsay. Yeah. That's permissible now. Yeah. Like, I heard that he was a really bad guy. What? That's it?

It seems... Based on... Guilty! We, the jury, took into account the fact that someone had heard he was a really bad guy. What? That's it? Based on... Guilty! We, the jury, took into account the fact that someone had heard he was a really bad guy so we find him guilty. Probably guilty, Your Honour. Probably guilty.

Well, he's probably going to go to prison. Yeah. Who knows? Yeah, he'll probably do something bad in the future anyway. Look at him. Just look at him. Yeah. Oh, that would be good.

Like, there's no arguments for or against. There's just a guy walks into the room and the jury decides whether or not they're guilty. Yeah, or like... I reckon... Or the lawyer's just like... I like to... No, no, no. Something about just like...

I reckon we should just punch him in the face. What this guy needs is just a good punch in the face and then we can let him go. I don't know. Just like, you know,

like real old school kind of like. Yeah, he needs a clip around the ear. Yeah, like, I know like guys I used to work at,

well, I used to work in bottle shops with, talk about like how, he's like, back in the day, you could just like, you could, you know,

if you caught somebody stealing, you could just take him around back and just beat the shit out of them, you know? And talking about it like that was a better time. Yeah. Somebody you suspected of stealing, you could just beat the shit out of them. Like a bit of street justice. It's like, no, I think there's a reason that there's laws and that people don't do that because...

But how would these people know that beating, like, put this thief on the right path? Were they checking up with them, seeing how they were going, revisiting the case? He came in six months later and he said he actually thanked me. He said that me beating the shit out of him really helped him turn his life around. He said, thank God that somebody's finally taken justice. Taken the time to sit me down and beat the shit out of me. Or it'd be like, maybe you can get like a suspended beating sentence, where you weren't actually beaten, but it was suspended.

I never understood that. That beating actually helped me get a really good job in finance. I wouldn't be where I was today. It helped me out of the poverty that I was stricken by. I saw somebody with a Facebook status similar to this. They'd posted, like a girl that I went to high school with, had posted this picture of an Australian flag, and then over the top it was written in white writing,

Australia, you've gone soft. You've gone soft on immigration. You've gone soft on doll bludgers. You used to be able to. You used to be able to parents used to be able to smack their kids. Who were immigrating and doll bludgers. Yeah, probably. Kids were, all my kids

are immigrants. And you could give them a clip around, you know, police could give a shoplifter a clip around the year. Australia, you've gone soft. Shame on you, Australia or something like that. And people underneath were commenting oh yeah good on you yeah i'm in shit like that anyway i defriended it because wait fuck that shit we want the police to be able to hit people and then not be accountable yes and at least used to be able to brutalize people what happened to that like i

can't believe that people look back on that as a better time. Like, remember when you used to be able to hit your kids? How great was that? It's like, maybe hitting people, police being able to brutalize people wasn't that much better. But I was young, and it felt better. You know? It felt better to be able to see. I was happy at the time.

The police brutality of my youth. You always look back on it more fondly, don't you? I don't know if it was because I was young and I was having a really good time. Yeah. The air was clearer, you know. The sun seemed brighter. The police brutality was just nicer somehow. We didn't know about climate change back in those days.

And somehow the police brutality just had a whimsical feel to it. Oh, yeah, it was a more innocent time. You know, somebody could walk around with two black eyes, and you'd think, oh, well, that's probably the effects of the justice system. Looks like he learned his lesson. These days, you don't see that on the streets anymore. No. All the police brutality happens. So it's a sketch where everything,

like corporal punishment is the only learning method. Like there's no memorization. It's just being hit until you get your essay right. You don't even teach the kids. You just start hitting them until they write a good essay. You don't teach them how to write an essay. You just start hitting them until they write a good essay. You don't teach them how to write an essay. You just start beating them. And eventually, the good essay will come out.

Oh, yeah, because you're going to beat some sense into them. They'll figure out what you want them to do when you stop beating them. When they start doing what you want them to do, you'll stop beating them. So they'll just figure it out eventually. Yeah. That's kind of like original sin. You know, if children are born being beaten and, you know, if they achieve salvation, you'll stop beating them. Oh, this is horrible.

Yeah, it's still pretty horrible. But to a certain extent, like, they'll just start mimicking you. Actually, no, that's not necessarily true, because if they... Well, they'll try to start mimicking you, but then... But then... What, so there'll be two people bashing each other up, and that'll be... Well, but no, but yeah, but then the problem with that is that there's the inconsistencies in men, so then you... You know, because you...

That's always the problem. Yeah. All those inconsistencies in men. Inconsistencies of men, yeah. But, no, because, Because you know people were like you've only got one nose but you've got two

eyes. It doesn't make any sense. The inconsistencies of man. How can you expect man to be logical?

I mean you've got two ears you've got two arms. You've only got one mouth. Yeah one mouth. How can you

hit in 3D? We're inherently irrational beings. That's why democracy doesn't work. Yep. Because we don't have enough mouths. You can only eat 2D objects. Yep. With one mouth. You can taste in 3D. Yeah. That'd be amazing. You can have two mouths. Well, because you get perspective. Yeah. You get that second perspective. Yeah. Well, because you get perspective. Yeah.

You get that second perspective. Yeah. Right now we just have to rely on the illusion of perspective, like with foreshortening and... Foreshorten bread. Foreshorten bread. And then there's also the problem of... Foreshorten cake. Yeah.

Yeah, that one. There's also the problem of shore shortening, which is a problem of erosion by the seas on the beaches very good yeah coastal foreshortening yeah

shore foretning shore foretning is when you you're trying to protect your your your seaside town from

what was the last sketch idea we had scientists accepting anecdotal evidence yeah okay we've technically already got five yeah no that's pretty good yeah yeah we had. Oh, like an hour ago? An anecdotal evidence. Yeah. Okay. We've technically already got five.

Yeah. No, that's pretty good. Yeah? Yeah. We can cut out the last 15 minutes. Yeah. Ooh.

That'd be good. So it's been wonderful to talk to both of you. Hey, Pete, it's been so great. I've had such a good time. Yeah, Pete, it's been so good

to have you on here. Pete, can you do Sylvester Stallone for me? I could do Sylvester Stallone for me? I could do Sylvester Stallone, because I was in a movie about guys. Kill a Burmese person. No, that wasn't the name of the film.

It was another film. No, don't do it anyway. They're really nice. Yeah. I have friends with a Burmese person. Can you do Sylvester Stallone trying to get Carter for me? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. So there's a guy,

his name is Carter, and he didn't get Carter. So I had to go get Carter from another place and put him where I was. Can you do the bit where he realizes that he's Carter? Oh, yeah.

Oh, no way. So I got to go get Carter. And my name, oh, wait, I'm Carter, so I got to go get Carter. And what my name? Oh, wait. I'm Carter. So I have to go get me? I have to get Carter.

I'm so confused. So the sketches we have today, we got one, guy completely self-sufficient is a rock. Yep. Yeah. And then two, the people'sufficient is a rock. Yep. Yeah. And then two, the people's elbow was a dictatorship. Yes. Yep. Three, ultimate canary fisting. And then we got the gloves are off.

Yep. Four, Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve, the drones come down and play a game of soccer with the Taliban. And the drones are people too, sketch. And then in brackets, drones coming home after war and readjusting. Yep. And then we've also got scientists accepting anecdotal evidence, in brackets, Journal of Anecdotal Science.

Done. I think that's really good. We've got some strong ones in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the last two are pretty strong. I think the chicken really good. We got some strong ones in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the last two are pretty strong. I think the chicken fisting is difficult to achieve. But maybe that's what makes it so compelling. The canary fisting.

That one. Chicken fisting's not that hard. I mean, they can pass eggs. You can get a baby's fist up there quite easily. And that's all we have time for today. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, you can get anything you need with uber eats well almost almost anything so no you can't get an ice rank on uber eats but iced tea and ice cream yes we can deliver that uber eats get almost almost anything order now product availability may vary by region see app for details