Two In The Think Tank - 10 - "Word To Your Nan"

Episode Date: July 5, 2013

 See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Hey there, everybody. Be my baby, be my baby, be my baby selfish about what we're doing right here. This is all for you that we do it. No, no, no. This is like a soup van.

A soup van, yeah. Of ideas. Oh, soup van people. No, no, no. They're doing it also for themselves because it feels good to know that you're helping the people. Yeah, yeah. Really selfish.

I mean... Selfish as a soup van. No, but if helping people didn't feel good, do you think people would do it? If helping people felt really bad. Yeah. Yeah. I'd help you, but, you know... Don't want to feel bad. Yeah, I don't people felt really bad. Yeah. Yeah. I'd help you, but you know. Don't

want to feel bad. Yeah, I don't want to feel bad. Actually, that's probably one of the reasons why I don't help. Because helping people feels bad. Yeah, well, it feels like you're not just doing what you want to do. Yeah. I'd help you, but I don't want to. Yeah, I'd help you, but... And so if I did, it'd probably feel bad. Yeah. And you don't want to. Yeah, I'd help you, but... And so if I did, I'd probably feel bad. Yeah. And you don't want me to feel bad, do you? Because then both of us will feel bad. Yeah.

I'm assuming that you feel bad. Needing help feels bad. Unless it feels really good, then I don't want to help you because I don't want to, and also because I don't want you to feel worse than you already feel now. Yeah. Yeah. So that... But they might... Being helped by them... Might feel now. Yeah. Yeah. So that... But they might...

Being helped by them might feel good. Like, them being helped might feel good. They might enjoy it. But you know when you go... But then that's a little bit perverse, isn't it? Like, you don't want them... To enjoy it too much. ...deriving pleasure from it.

Yeah. And, but, you know how, like, when you walk past a soup van or a food van or something like that? Yes. Right? And you see there's people there. There's often a bunch of people there. But there's not that many people there.

You know what I mean? Like, if it felt really good, don't you think, like, just endless amounts of people would just, like, wave after wave of people would just be coming in to feel good? No, to feel good. No, not helping, but to... Receive...

Receive help. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's... That would be what happened. You know, there's those burger vans and stuff that are around the place now? Yeah. I know that.

That's taking a model based around helping the homeless. But you charge $15 for a burger. Now where you're charging... Not many things go that way, do they? They go from being something they use to help the homeless to, you know, you think that there'll be like blanket vans? Yeah. Where you can go around and like, he can go up and they can like rent a blanket. Yeah.

Or they can go up and they can buy some bedware. Bedware. Yeah. Instead of mobile bedware. Go get, you know, just one of those mobile, like some sort of health van. Yeah. You know, and they'll park it next to a park. Yeah.

And everyone can go up and get like tests and get their eyes checked and stuff. Yeah. Well, then it'll be mobile. What's going to be influenced from that? It'll be a cosmic surgery. Cosmetic surgery. No, cosmic surgery. Cosmic.

Yeah, yeah. Surgery. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. So that's when you... Facelift? Spacelift? Spacelift. Oh. Also sort of like ring tightening. Yeah, the. Surgery. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. So that's when you... Facelift? Spacelift? Spacelift.

Oh. Also sort of like ring tightening. Yeah, the rings around Jupiter? Yeah. Yeah. Tighten those right up. Tighten those. Yeah, they're a bit loose at the moment.

Yeah. Is ring tightening, is that an existing? Yeah, that's an existing cosmetic surgery. Yeah. I mean, if you've got a loose ring, you know. Yeah. Sort of like, you know, like around your eye, like your eye surgery. Yeah. I mean, if you've got a loose ring, you know. Yeah. So like, you know, like around your eye, like your eye ring. Yeah.

And also if you've got a makeup stick shoved up your nose. Makeup. That's cosmetic. Like, and they cut that out, that's cosmetic. Yeah, yeah, no, that is. That's cosmetics surgery. Yeah, right. Yeah, so that's actually a slightly different thing.

Yeah. I hate it when I make something into a pun. Do you? Yeah. Andy, if that was true You would stop Because look, what do you hate? You hate having shit on your hands

So you don't do that I stopped doing that You stopped doing that when you discovered And that was really early on You barely were conscious when you stopped doing that Barely Barely, yeah Were you about to make a bear pun just then?

Did you just stop yourself? No, no. Maybe you do hate it. Maybe I do. Maybe I'm learning. Maybe I'm reaching a new level of consciousness. Maybe everything is just about attaining higher and higher levels of consciousness, which are about, you know, metaphorically speaking,

higher and higher levels of not having shit on your hands. I just don't want puns all over my personality. Yeah, but you do. My social presence. No, but you do. So, yeah. Anyway, it's really good to be here. I'm opening a new store soon.

Really? Yeah, yeah. What are you going to open? Oh, it's going to be... I hear DVDs are really big at the moment. They're not that big. They're about four inches. There you go.

Was that a pun? Yes! Do you think opening a DVD... Mini-discs are big at the moment. No. Laser discs are big at the moment. But the thing with mini-discs is that they were big compared to... Yeah, and laser discs, which were big, were never big.

is that they were big compared to... Yeah, and Laserdiscs, which were big, were never big. Yeah, but Minidiscs were big compared to what they were before they existed. Yeah, you're right. Well, that wasn't really a good conclusion to that. Minidiscs came into existence from nothing, right? Yeah. Minidiscs didn't exist, and then they existed.

Yeah. Much like the universe. Huh. Do you think it was a quantum fluctuation that caused them? Could have been some sort of a ripple in the quantum nature of nothing. I mean, it'd be great if there were some products that came out through, like, corporations that created them, and

others came out through quantum fluctuations. It just popped into existence. Yeah. I mean, there's... That never happens, though, does it? It's pretty rare. No, but like the universe... Well, actually, you know, then there's stuff like... When was the last time the universe built a product? Yeah, like people talk about infinity

and the fact that things could just will happen, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, because of the nature of infinity and probability and so on and so forth. But also because of the nature of just really big numbers that aren't infinite, the chances are that those things won't happen because they'll just be really rare. You know what I mean? So like big numbers that are... What you're saying is that infinity is big. Infinity is big, but...

Not as big as mini-disks. No, no, no. Infinity is big, but infinity means that every possibility of everything will happen, right? Yeah. But just a really big number that isn't infinite, but let's say it's like a million trillion. Yep. Right? It's pretty big. Yeah.

Good example. There would still be a lot of things that would happen. Let's say a million trillion things happened. Yep. There'd still be a lot of things that happened, but each individual thing could still be unique. Yeah. None of them would be the spontaneous generation of mini-discs.

Yeah, exactly. From the universe. Like, just from a quantum fluctuation. Yeah. Yeah. But if infinity existed, which I don't think it does. It would be good

if infinity was just a bit smaller. Like if infinity was sort of more achievable. Yeah. You know, if infinity, instead of being infinity,

if infinity was like seven. Yeah. Right? That'd be great. Then all sorts of crazy shit would be happening all the time. Because seven's quite an achievable number. Yeah. Right? That'd be great. Then all sorts of crazy shit would be happening all the time because seven's quite

an achievable number. Yeah, but as it stands at the moment... Yes, under the current system... Yeah, it's difficult to achieve. ...infinity remains large. Yeah. But, you know, over time

a lot of things do wind up being smaller. Would you say that infinity is at large? At large. Yeah? Was that a pun? Yeah, maybe. But it's a weird one. Yeah? Was that a pun? Yeah, maybe.

But it's a weird one. Oh, I got a pun on me. That's from like your poo thing before where you got a poo on you. Oh, you got a bit of pun on your forehead. Yeah. How did I get there? Oh, infinity's at large currently. Stepped in a pun.

We thought we were getting closer to it. And then when we got there... Rem remains at large. Yeah, it still remains at large. Anyone seeing Infinity is warned not to approach it as it will take you a long time. As... Let's be honest, you're not going to get there.

You're not. This is some sort of abstract concept version of crime watch. I got the biggest chunk of wax out of my ear today. What I thought, because I touched my ear and I felt something move in there. And because I was eating something that had quinoa in it, I went, great, I'll just put some fucking quinoa in my ear. And I was ready to tweet it. I was ready to tweet, I'll just put fucking quinoa in my ear okay and I was like I know and I was ready to tweet it I was ready to I just put some quinoa in my ear right because because that's the thing the funny thing that happened yeah

yeah but then I was like wait a second no no that feels bigger and I felt only it was on the edge and and recently like it like about a month and a half ago this same chunk I'd felt there and then I tried to like get a q-tip or something like that to like i thought i could just go under and scoop it back yeah right and i just pushed it in and then it took a month and a half for it to resurface near the near the edge yeah i was shaking my head side to side like like just hope hopefully like it was going to fling it towards the edge and i was like i'm not gonna lose it And then I used some tweezers, and I got it out, and it was probably the size of the end of my, like, the tip of my pinky finger.

You're kidding. Yeah, and it was a dark wax. Can you draw it, like, the size of it for me using a pen? Yeah, it was probably like this. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah, like, what we're talking here is like the size of, like, a healthy blowfly. Yeah, a healthy blowfly, maybe like healthy blowfly, maybe like a kidney bean?

Maybe like a slightly small kidney bean? It's not a kidney bean. No? It's an unhealthy kidney bean. Yeah, okay, it's like a wrinkled up kidney bean. That's a reduced function kidney bean. Do you think it could be maybe, okay, so like maybe about four brown lentils put together? Three brown lentils.

Three brown lentils? I'll give you three brown lentils. No, but I mean like I'm talking about... Brown lentils put together three brown lentils three brown lentils i'll give you three brown no but i mean like i'm talking about big i know but i'm talking about like if you stand them up so that they're uh top you know like the the the the wideness standing vertical yeah and then you put them together like that they could form that i think yeah okay if we're picturing a three because it because it, yeah, it was three-dimensional. No. Yeah, I didn't pull out no two-dimensional wax out of this old hearing hole

that I got here on the side of my head. No flat wax. Yeah, no flat wax. I'm not flat waxing. No, yeah, I'm not that guy. Old flat wax over there. I'm never going to be that guy. Flat wax.

Yeah, so everyone, that's an accurate assessment of the size of Al's waxy deposit. Yeah. Well, it was an extraction. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, wax. I have...

Yeah. Okay, this is going to get a bit gross. Yeah. But, like, I get quite a bit of earwax. Yeah. And I feel pieces of earwax dropping, like falling in my ear. Wow. So something about the structure of my ear, they must go around and then go up to the top.

And then they drop and I feel them go. And then I can go in there and I can pull them out. Like they drop out. But you think that they climb the wall. Like little ear shits. Yeah. But I mean, I don't think they climb up. I think maybe they just build up on the top. Where little ear shits. Yeah. But, I mean, I don't think they climb up. I think maybe they just

build up on the top. Maybe. Where does the wax come from? It just falls down. Is it just like, does your, you know how your body emits oils, I guess?

Yeah, I guess it emits oils. Is that all that is? It's just oils? Yeah, but also, I reckon your ears, that oil and stuff, that's all about, like, catching bits of dust

and crap so that that stuff doesn't build up in your ear and then they can, like, it bunches it, bundles it together into a little bundle and then, like, the silla or the little hairs in your ear sort of work in such a way as to push that out because, you know, you've got to have ways

of getting that stuff out. Otherwise, just dust will build up in our ears. Doust. Doust. Is that an old French writer? No, no, I'm thinking of Voltaire. No, no, what's that guy who's got a name a bit like that? Proust.

Proust? No, it's another guy. I don't know how that's pronounced. Another guy. Faust? Faust, yeah. Faust, what did he do? I don't know if he was an actual writer.

There was like a musical or something called Faust, and it was about a guy who went to hell or something like that. Oh, well, that's sad. I don't actually know the details. No, but imagine if you went to hell or something like that. Oh, that's sad. I don't actually know the details. No, but imagine if you went to hell. Oh, no. It'd just be so depressing. It'd be a real tragedy.

Yeah. How about all those people who are like, I want to go to hell because that's where all the good musicians are or whatever. Yeah. They wouldn't even have any instruments. I don't think you've really understood the concept of hell. Like, that's where all the fun is. Yeah.

I know. Yeah. Like, if it was to be real, like, and you were burning all the time, do you know how much it sucks to burn? Yeah. Ugh, it's the worst. But also, you don't think God would be like, ah, I tried to make heaven great, but I sent all the fun guys to hell and now they're having a great time. Yeah. Oh, well.

I fucked that one up. Oh, big, that was a big... I just have to hang out with all these lame Christians in eternal bliss. Life is just about making yourself feel superior to other people, isn't it? Yeah. Ugh, it's awful.

Yeah. You just can't escape it. I can't. Wouldn't it be great if you could just, if you could just, like, make the goal of your life to feel inferior to other people? And, like, you know,

instead of, like, always, like, trying to figure, you know, like, when you look at somebody, you go, for what reason am I better than that guy? Yeah. You know, does everybody do that? I think that's what everybody does. Yeah, yeah, yeah, better than that guy? Yeah. Right? Yeah. You know, doesn't everybody do that? I think that's what everybody does.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do that all the time. Yeah, great. Okay. Right now. But like, but you know how sometimes you go like, well, what way am I? Wait, what are you doing? Nothing.

What are you doing over there? Nothing. I heard you whispering. He's got no idea what I'm talking about. I've got the headphones on. I can hear what you're saying really clearly. I have a huge idea of what you're talking about. Yeah.

Summarize it for me. All right. In summary, you're just basically saying that you're judging me, and you think that you're better than me. Anyway. That sounds paranoid. I think you're being paranoid. Maybe I am being paranoid.

Imagine if I was paranoid. Oh, I used to be. I wonder why I'm not paranoid anymore. I wonder if someone... I hope it's not something wrong with me. Some sort of conspiracy. But, you know, like, because, you know, sometimes you also try to be inferior to people because that makes you better than them.

You go, oh, well, that rich person, you know, I may not have all that money, but I got character. Yeah. Right? So, therefore, I'm better. I got all this character. Yeah, because these people, they had no opportunities to build any character or a sense of humor. Yeah. Anyway, but you use that inferiority to sort of make yourself better than them.

I want to have, like, I want a goal in life where you just try to make yourself inferior and it's not to be better. It's just to be, like, basically the opposite of the sketch that the, the,

um... Is it humble? Being humble? Being the most humble. The humblest? Maybe the most meek. The meekest. Yeah. The meekest. Yeah.

The meekest man. Like if the... I think maybe that's something to do with Buddhism and ascetism and shunning of worldly goods and those kinds of ideas. Getting rid of all the... Or you could do it, because just in case the meek do inherit the earth. Ka-ching.

And so you go, yeah. Cash in. Yeah, yeah. It's like a gold digger thing, but like... Yeah, but you're digging down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're digging down. Gold diggers, they always dig up. No, no, no.

Down. Yeah, yeah, keep going down, yeah. Keep going down. And so... Just sleep your way to the bottom. Just putting yourself... That's where the gold is. But what's the...

Like, to become meek, do you have to just be in a bad situation? Or do you also have to be, like... You have to be quite shit and, like, incapable of anything. I don't think you have to be shit. Yeah, I think so. No, I don't think being meek has got anything to do with incapability. Really? Yeah.

Why? I don't think when Jesus said, the meek shall inherit the earth, I don't think he was saying, you know, all the fucking losers who can't get shit done or just cannot pull themselves together. Those guys are going to be running this joint.

It's going to suck. No, but like, I imagine it's like people who are like in a cafe and they're like, oh, I want some water, but they will never go and ask for water because they're just afraid to ask. And they're like,

oh, never mind. No, it's fine. I just won't have any. Like, I imagine those are the people who are going to inherit the earth. There's the real meek. Like, they're just not even capable. Well, I think then that's going to be like when, you know, some dodgy son inherits a company and then it just sort of goes to shit. Yeah, well, exactly. That's, which is... So was Jesus worried about this? Yeah, I don't know.

Guys, we've got to sort something out. At this rate, the meek are going to inherit the earth. And I've seen those guys, and they can't even get a glass of water. Well, between them. Well, look, but maybe that's the point, because the people who are capable, they take advantage of the earth and of other people, like the meek. And then they ruin the planet by polluting it and destroying it and stuff like meek people don't take advantage of people i think you're right about that but i don't think that getting a glass of water in a cafe counts as taking advantage of people i think the meek are probably just sort of slightly self they're just self-contained.

You know, they don't make demands. We're all self-contained. You're right. Unless you've had some sort of abdominal wound, then you might not be very self-contained. No. Once you get your hair cut, maybe, that's...

Yeah. You'll have those parts of yourself on the ground. It's just difficult to know how to feel. You should eat those. Yeah. Just to re-contain yourself. Get a grip. I can barely contain myself. Yeah. That joke being done? It sounds like somebody's being disemboweled and they'll be like, I can barely contain myself. Yeah. Are you enjoying this? Am I enjoying this? I can barely contain myself.

Yeah. Well, I mean, it's hardly his fault, though. Maybe if somebody's gutting themselves. Do you realize that at the moment, Alistair, both of us are emboweled? We're completely emboweled. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely was aware of that. Yeah.

Yeah. That's pretty much always on my mind. Yeah? Your state of embowelment? Yeah. I'm definitely like an emboweler. Yeah. Yeah. Disembowelment. Disemowelment. Yeah, I'm definitely like an emboweler. Yeah.

Disembowelment. An emboweling? Hmm. I can't imagine what that is, but yeah, it doesn't sound good, does it? Yeah, an emboweling, but it's a fun word. Man, we haven't got a single sketch idea yet. No, but we've had some fun. Yeah, definitely some fun. It's a jolly conversation.

Yeah, it's jolly. Yeah, jolly. Like Santa Claus. Yeah, a right jolly old elf. I hope Santa Claus, if he was to exist, that he was a really good conversationalist. Do you think that Santa Claus is like bees, right? Yeah, definitely. Do you see where I'm going with this?

No. Okay, so Santa is referred to as a right jo Yeah, definitely. Do you see where I'm going with this? No. Okay, so Santa is referred to as a right jolly old elf, right? But he also has elves working for him. But all those little elves, okay, are just little guys, right? Okay, but Santa's this big, fat, beardy, jolly old king of the elves, right? So do you think that when Santaanta dies the other elves pick one of the elves and then they just feed him lots of whiskey and uh biscuits yeah and then he grows yeah royal the the elf equivalent of royal jelly yeah and he grows to be the next santa claus well

i mean like a queen yeah i think so i definitely think so. Maybe that could be our first sketch. Okay. Where Santa Claus dies and then they go and they find all the elf larva. Yeah, and they just start feeding one. Yeah, and they feed a bunch of them, I think. This is how it works with bees. I think they feed a bunch of them. And then they let them fight?

I think they battle it out, yeah. And the one that wins and eats all the others and shit ends up becoming Santa Claus. That's really, yeah. That's pretty, it's pretty gruesome, but I reckon that's a sketch. Yeah. I mean, it could be a series of challenges or something like that instead. No, I think that they fight just a really brutal... Yeah?

Yeah. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun Can you write that down? All right. First one. Yeah, Santa Claus is like a queen bee. Santa Claus. I mean, it's almost what happens in the movie, the Santa Claus, in that he transforms into Santa, but this is just a more sort of intense. But this is that they're all the same. This is that they're all the same kind of creature. Yeah. But the one was just fed differently.

Yeah. You could almost have David Attenborough narrating it if you wanted. I mean, and if you could get a hold of his management. If he wasn't busy or dead. Oh, I hope he's not dead yet. I hope he won't be dead when we make this. Do you think that when David Attenborough dies, all the other nature presenters will get together and they'll feed a nature presenter lava on just, they'll take it on lots of travel and stuff and they'll take it to Bhutan and slowly it will grow into becoming the next David Attenborough? I think so.

I didn't hear what you were saying because I was writing this down. I was just repeating basically the Santa Claus concept, but with David Attenborough instead of Santa Claus. David Attenborough instead of Santa Claus. Yeah. I mean, David Attenborough is not that far from Santa Claus. He's not, actually. I mean, he could...

What's that movie that's got like... It's like the opposite of Nightmare on Elm Street, but it's like a miracle... Daydream on Ash Road? Ashburton Avenue? No, I think it's like Miracle on 82nd Street or something like that. On the corner of Main and 5th. I think that's the opposite of Nightmare on Elm Street, by the way. Yeah.

Yeah Like Like I wouldn't be surprised If the Coen brothers Took those two movies And they made them They buddied them up In a new film

Yeah Because they're just The opposites They're just opposites Because this is What the Coen brothers do Yeah They're very clever

Do you think that's The nature of the relationship Of the Coen brothers Do you think that one Like they're Complete opposites Do you think one Like one's just

Bizarro Joel Yeah And the other one's just Joel? Yeah. Do you think you could make a movie about the Coen brothers where they're both just complete opposites and they have to go on some kind of adventure, possibly making a film? Yeah, I think so. And then along the way they have a little bit of a psychedelic experience

yep of some kind there's some sort of trip and then uh javier bardem is there and they have to not get killed by him yeah well they have to not get their film project shut down by his studio executive by the no not get their studio their their their film shut down by his studio executive. No, not get their studio, their film shut down by the concept that he doesn't speak any English and that he's just going to learn all the words phonetically. Isn't that crazy? Is that what they actually did with him? No, I don't know.

Okay. Either way, that was probably the best role he's ever going to play. Yeah. And his career's peaked, and now he can just be a heartthrob. I don't like that the word heartthrob has the word throb in it, because when I hear heartthrob, I straight away start thinking of dickthrob. There's one part of the human anatomy that has really owned the concept of throbbing.

And it's not the temple. It's not, yeah. That's not the way... Is there a temple throbbing? There's no throbbing temples. You're going to get a throbbing headache or something. Yeah. I've got a throbbing temple.

Oh, man. I've got a throbber right now. A throbber. I've got my throb on. Oh, boy. Oh, mate. I've got to get... I have got a throbber. I've got to get a throb off. I've got my throb on. Oh boy. Oh mate. I have got a throbber.

I've got to get a throb off. Can you just throb me off? I've got to rob a throb. I'm going to go throb a bank. I don't think that makes any sense. It's where you go into a bank jerking off. Yeah.

You're threatened to make a deposit. No, you keep filling up the bank with blood until you feel a pulse in it. Is that what throbbing is? Like, that's what

I picture is that. But it's that sort of mm. Mm. Yeah, but it's like, oh my god. It's just, I'm just,

anyway, it's like a giant dig with a sound system and somebody playing techno. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do-ka-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do It's like a giant dig with a sound system and somebody playing techno. Yeah. Yeah. Cool, so that's not a sketch.

But, you know. Throbbing beat. Throbbing. Anyway, but like the Coen brothers, there's a... There's a powerhouse of creativity, right? Oh, they just never stop. I mean, I bet you when they get right? Oh, they just never stop. I mean, I bet you when they get tired of writing, they just keep writing. I'm sick of writing.

You know what you need? More writing. Tell you what, just write it off. Just go for a write around the block. You have a cup of write. Yeah, have a... Here, some bacon. While you write. I don't know, it was nothing. Okay. That was terrible. You have a cup of right Yeah, have a Here Some bacon While you write

I don't know It was nothing Okay That was terrible Yeah, thank you Oh Um Yep

So we're one sketch in today One sketch in today One sketch in today We've got Santa Claus Okay And he dies And then he's replaced By feeding up

The same way That a queen bee is replaced Using elf larva I think that sketch would have to be done without casting little people as elves. I think elves have been cast as little people for long enough. But I mean, kind of the concept is that they have to be sort of little in some sense.

Could we just use children? Yeah, I think that would be fine. I mean, look, it's not that I want to take jobs away from little people. It's just that I want to give jobs to children. Yeah. Some sort of sweatshop type situation. It's just that I want little people to just get regular roles. Yeah.

And stop just getting all the elf work. I mean, like, it's great to get work with the elves, but I don't want that to be their whole career. And so children. That's so kind of you. Do you feel good? No, it actually feels awful, and that's why I'm never going to do it. Never going to do this again. I tried it once, and I didn't like it, and I didn't go back.

I didn't inhale. Whales are big, aren't they? Oh, man. Just 25 elephants can fit inside a blue one. Yeah. Oh, that blue one. Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. And then you could park a Volkswagen Beetle in the aorta of a blue whale or something like that?

I mean, that's ridiculous. They probably wouldn't even think that humans could hurt them. They probably wouldn't have even considered it, that we were a threat to them. Yeah. Like, I mean, maybe gigantic ships in the water, they probably think that those are threats to them. But, like, they must not be afraid of them very much. Well, I think a blue whale has probably evolved

not to have a concept of fear. Hmm. Do you think? Maybe. Like, what would be the point? Well, I don't know. I probably, they're mammals, so they probably just have that built into them. You think mammals fear?

Yeah, the natural state for a mammal is... Insects don't fear, do they? I don't, I don't know. I think ants run around like they're afraid. Like, you know when you like, you bang your finger near them sometimes? And they like, they go into hyperdrive. And they, like, you see that they change state. And so I think they do fear.

I don't think they might have a full concept of what's happening, but they know danger is there. If you know the answer to the question of whether or not ants fear, please write it down. Put it in an envelope and mail it to maybe your grandmother or something. You probably haven't spoken to her for a while. The question is, do ants love? Whether or not they, you know, she'll be happy to receive a letter from you, no matter what it contains.

She'll just be happy to know. Even if it does just contain information about whether or not ants, she'll be baffled, and it'll probably speed her descent into dementia, that her children are writing to her about the emotions of insects but um but look but but then again how often do you write to her anyway yeah she'll just be nice it'll be nice for her to just receive anything anything at all because you know you're neglecting her you're too you're too connected to the internet wipe a piece of paper on your ass and mail it to your gran.

Just mail it to your gran. She'll be glad. She'll be, yeah. You know? Yeah. Just say, ah. Here's a business idea, right? Writing to grans.

Yeah. It's like, okay, you just sign up. Oh, my God. $5 a month. Okay. And people will just hand write a letter to your grandmother for you. Do we need any personal information? Can we do it based on your Facebook or something?

Yeah. We just scan your Facebook. Yeah. Computer generates something based on a couple of keyword selections of your Facebook stuff. Then we have someone hand write it, put it in an envelope. We send it five bucks a month. We print out a couple of photos from your Facebook onto like old photo paper. Yeah, old photo paper.

Get some of them done as Polaroids. Well, now we're going to have to increase the monthly price. It's probably $10 a month. Okay, it's $10 a month. But still, I mean, that's amazing. $120 a year and your gran... Your gran is so happy. She thinks you care.

Yeah, she thinks you care. And she doesn't know how to use technology. She'll never find out about this product. She doesn't know anything. Your grandmother is stupid. But we doesn't know how to use technology. She'll never find out about this product. She doesn't know anything. Your grandmother is stupid. But we won't write that in the letter, and we don't actually think that here. Because we're professionals. Yeah.

And we care. Yeah. And so, yeah. So, look, I think there's a sketch in that. Yeah. Maybe I do. Yeah. I mean, there's also a business plan in that.

Yeah, which is good. Those are the best sketches. Yeah, so. The best sketches are the ones that can then be turned into a successful business. I bet there are spam restaurants in the UK based around that Monty Python sketch about spam. About spam?

Oh, I don't know about that. Oh, it's a restaurant that everything's sold with spam. Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam. That one. And that's where the word spam as as in spam emails, originates from, apparently. And spam emails are a very good business idea. Yeah.

Well. Spam your gran. That's what it'll be called. Spam your gran. All right. Spam. Spam a gran. Your gran.

Yeah. But maybe the idea can come, like, so then, I mean, could there be a conflict in this sketch where, you know, Nan receives a letter and then she writes, she calls up her grandson and then he's like, what? What do you mean? I think we'd also send you an email copy of whatever we sent to your gran. Yeah. Okay. That's a good idea. Yeah.

So the businesses can work around. I mean, this is a scarily good business idea, isn't it? Oh, my God. It's horrible how. How good it is. Yeah. I mean, just outsourcing your familial responsibilities. We could get all this done in India.

Eh? Oh. You could all all this done in India. Eh? You could all get done overseas. Oh my God. We're just, yeah, we're doing the right thing here. What have we created? No, this is great. I'm just hoping that nobody gets on this before we do. I hope nobody listens to this podcast.

Yeah, oh. Do our great idea. Call Spam Your Gran. Yeah, oh. Do I have a great idea? Call Spam Your Gran. Your gran just keeps getting so many letters that she doesn't have time to even write back. I reckon she could write back as well.

Oh, yeah. And then we post her replies on your Facebook page. So you don't even have to check the mail. No, no, we'll just get it to send it back to you. I don't know. I don't think people are going to want that. No, people like receiving mail. Oh, that's true.

Yeah. People like receiving mail. They're like, oh, where'd the mail go? I wish somebody would write me a handwritten letter. I wish someone would spam my gran so that I could receive mail back from her without having to do anything. This is perfect. Just put up my self-indulgent Facebook posts. Just don't tell your parents about it because your parents are just going to tell your nan and devalue it.

Yeah. And it's just going to be awful. But you're just trying to bring a little bit of joy into a... And for $120 a year. Yeah. Into a person who's just secluded themselves into their house. They leave. They go to the church.

They talk to the minister. They talk to the minister. That's all they do. The prime minister? Yeah, they buy mush. That's what I think old life is going to be like. Just buying mush. You don't care about... Okay, sorry.

I've got to not think about... Yeah, but no, look. That's a good thing. That's too's too down look this is gonna be we come up with five sketch ideas slash you can get anything you need with uber eats well almost almost anything so no you can't get snowballs on uber eats but meatballs and mozzarella balls yes we can deliver that uber eats get almost almost anything order. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Business concepts. Yep.

The discovery of fire. Fire. It was a big event in the history of humanity. What about the discovery of water? Good. Yeah. Which one do you reckon came first? I'm not sure.

Well, one of them had to stop the fire. Yeah, I reckon it was probably fire. Yeah. And then water. So you think fire was first discovered. Yep. And then water. Everyone was really thirsty.

Well, because, yeah, you would be after eating, like, because they probably, I don't know, I imagine it was fire, then salty meats. Yep. Right? Well, first meats, and then salt fire, then salty meats. Yep. First meats, and then salt, and then salty meats. Yep. And then it was once they had that kind of like, I could really go for something. Yeah. I am parched.

Yeah, I'm parched, and I just don't know what is going to fix this yet, because they didn't know about that yet. Yeah. They didn't know that parched meant lacking water they just knew it was lacking something and that's the evolution of language like how before we used to we used to just think we were bored we didn't know that we were lacking 3g on our phones yeah exactly so it exactly. So it was a problem looking for a solution. Yeah. And so then Gary Water... Yep.

...stumbled across a pond. Stumbled across a pond? Yeah. And... He sat down for some salted meat. Yeah, for a big old helping. It was a big... And a cup of fire.

And a delicious cup of fire. And he was both parched and scalded. Yep. No, scalded is more with water. With water, yeah. He was both parched and scorched. And scorched, parched and scorched. Yeah.

Which sounds like, it could be like a chip flavor. Anyway. Barbecue, barbecued salt. Barbecued salt. Yeah. Anyway. And then he drank some water. Yeah.

It was pretty great. Yep. and then he drank some water. Yeah. It was pretty great. Yep. That guy, he had an eventful... I mean, back in those days, there was not that many... It's just, I think money...

Do you think money's made things easier or harder? Money's a really interesting idea, because money is... It's amazing, isn't it? Money? Money, yeah. Money just... Because money just represents potential.

I mean, money could be anything, literally anything. And I wonder if you were good enough, you could track the financial transactions from, like, you know, $5 that we have in our pocket all the way back to, you know, the very first ever piece of money. We'll be talking about that again next week with the professor of moneyology at the University of Money.

In what way? Track it back? Well, is there a chain of financial transactions that connects the money that we have now all the way back to the very, very first money? Is that, you know? Yeah. Because like, you know, like DNA and stuff. Exchanging hands and stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But that one is really hard to track down because you've got to have... It's hard. It's just hard because you've got to find all the receipts. Yeah, there's got to be a lot of paperwork. There's just some of the...

Even like a really competent accountant might have trouble. Really competent. Really competent. And we're talking one of the most competent accountants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he's almost adept. Yeah, he probably... He's not.

He's competent. He probably has like... He's not. He's competent. He probably has like... But he's very, very competent. He probably has like an honors degree. Ultra competent. Ultra competent. Yeah. And even he, who...

It's his job to track down receipts. Yes. Or at least put them in an envelope or a manila folder or something like that. Even he might not be able to go all the way to the beginning of the first transaction and follow your five dollars and but it's funny because somebody pointed out to me or maybe some it's somewhere like that like when we talk about like countries having no money and things like that, because of this financial crisis or money problem, all the money still exists, right? I don't know that it does.

I think sometimes money stops existing. No, I don't think so. I think there's a conservation of money. I think there's only ever more money. You're right. I take that back. Money increases, but money can't disappear. But money can be worth less.

Mm. And when you compare it to money in other countries, the same amount of money that you... If you have the same amount of money in your country... Yeah. ...and you can't use that to pay off debts that you owe to another country, which you owe in their currency... Yeah.

...then, in relative terms, you've got less money. Yeah. And you can do less with your money. Yeah. Because money just represents potential. Yeah. And you can do less with your money. Yeah. Because money just represents potential. Oh. I don't know. All right.

What about money? Okay, what can we do with money? Okay. Kids? Money? Kids. Something to do with kids and money? Kids and money.

All right. You give kid money. Kid money. All right. We're going to give kids money. Okay, wait, no. Kids get a different type of money. Okay, child money.

Child money. Right. All right. Now, you're not allowed to have sex with kids money. Okay, wait, no. Kids get a different type of money. Okay, child money. Child money. Right. All right. Now, you're not allowed to have sex with child money. Okay, damn. Okay, that's not what we're going to do. Okay. Okay, child money.

Kids economy. Kids economy. Okay. You buy some lollies. All right, you're a... Okay. What about... Okay. What about, okay, a guy takes his kid to an accountant, right,

and complains that his kid doesn't have any money. Yeah, that's kind of fun. All right. Yeah. What happens next? Okay, the guy, okay, kid completely doesn't have any money, and then does the accountant ask him why not? Or, I don't know, because it's like sort of taking your kid to a doctor or something.

Yeah. You know, and saying your kid doesn't have any blood. Yeah. It could be like an accountant or like a financial planner. Yeah. You know, and saying your kid doesn't have any blood. Yeah. It could be like an accountant or like a financial planner. Yeah. And he's like, all right,

now he's got no money. Yeah. What can he do with it? Yeah. And he's like, because he's, look, to be honest,

he's a real drain on me at the moment and I need him to start. And so, and then the financial planner is, because this is his job. Yeah. It's just, you know. Yeah. So. Get him started early. And then the financial planners, because this is his job. Yeah.

Just, you know. Yeah. Get him started early. Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, do you have any assets? Yeah. And then the kids, I've got a...

I've got a... Oh! Oh! I've got a... I've got a... I've got a bed. And I've got an Ernie doll. Yeah, but do you actually own those or are are you just leasing those from your parents?

I'm leasing those from... Okay. No, it's mine! Okay, you could sublet that bed. Okay? If that's in your agreement with your parents, you could possibly leverage it in some way. Leverage? Yeah.

Yes. I don't like where this is going. Leverage? Yeah. Yes. I don't like where this is going. No? No. Kids and money. But how do you use a kid to make money? I mean, I can only think of exploitation. Yeah, but...

What about somebody who wants to exploit their child? Yeah. I've heard about this child exploitation. Yes, because at the moment... How can I do a bit of that? A wiki how on how to exploit your child Yeah Step one Have a child

Yep Step two Find something they can do to make money To make money I mean the thing is that they don't have to do much. And they don't even have to do it particularly very well. They can just be a cog in a larger machine. Sort of like, you know, rather than, like, have your own business,

you are just connecting two businesses together. So, like, you know that this guy's got sand. You know that this guy wants sand. You're making the connection together, kid. And so, and then you just take a cut from that transaction. Okay. Here's a completely different idea. Is that alright?

Yes. Free range accountants. Have I said this idea already on the podcast? No, I don't think so. Okay, good. Free range accountants. Yep. Okay. So, you know how accountants normally will work in a cubicle or something like that? Or work in an office. Yeah. Okay? So, you know how accountants normally will work in a cubicle or something like that? Oh, yeah. Or work in an office.

Yeah. Okay? This guy, it's the new thing for hipsters, right? Because they're worried about getting their accounts done by battery accountants. Yeah. Working in cubicles. Mm-hmm. I get all my accountants done with KPMG, and they have this wonderful facility out in the

Dandenongs, and all the accountants, they can just roam, okay, around. Each has got, you know, a couple of square metres of just green pasture, and they can have breaks, you know, they can spread their papers, documentation all around. They've got really comfortable chairs. They've got great facilities. Yeah, and then I think it would be beautiful

to have some footage of those accountants just sort of spread around. You know, they're sort of scratching at the dirt, but they're also working on their calculators and stuff. Yeah. Are they clucking like chickens? Yes. Click, click, click, they're clicking.

Oh, clicking like chickens. Yeah, clickings. Okay, well, look, I'll write that down. Free range accountants. Yeah. Hipsters get a hard time. Yeah, and I'm sorry, I don't mean hipsters. But yeah, no, but like...

But, you know, status-seeking people. I think, we say hipsters, but I'm talking about... Well, everybody seeks status, don't they? Well, it takes us back to my thing where I'm trying to be the person who only wants to get an inferior status. Yeah. I want to develop an inferiority complex. It's like a sporting complex, but it's not as good. It's a big...

It's like a sporting complex, yeah. It's a big building. Yep. It's a big... It's like a sporting complex, yeah. It's a big building. Yep. And we've just got offices. We've just rented offices down at the Inferiority Complex,

the new complex they built, the Inferiority Complex. It's actually a tent. That's a swag. Yeah. I know swag is kind of like a... It's just a tarpaulin stretched between two trees. Yeah. And we have a patch of dirt at the complex.

Yeah. It's not very complex. No. It's really an inferiority simplex, but then the pun doesn't work. Yeah. So they didn't call it that. Yeah. What they...

All the elevators, they only go down. They didn't really call it anything. All they seemed to say was, get off our property. It may not have been a complex. It might just have been a guy's backyard. Now that I think about it, I hadn't thought about it up until now. To be honest, I don't really think. All I do is I just build. As soon as I see two, I look for two trees and I put my tarp hole in up. Put my tarp up.

Yeah, tarp up. Yep. And I got twine and I got tarp. And then I bust out a complex. That's all you need for a complex these days. Yeah. A complex is a very fluid concept. I make money by

robbing the houses that I stay in front of. Of course they they usually get catch on that it's me that's robbing them. And then I move on As soon as the police is called Well usually they tell you they're going to call the police So you get a chance to get out of there

I'm going to call the police Well alright I'm just going to go then I've already got your possessions I mean Positions You've already got your possessions. Hmm. I mean... Positions. Yeah. What would you do, Alistair, if you had...

If money was no object? Well, okay. See, I don't think I have it planned out. Because I'm... Well, you've got to be planned, Alistair. This could happen any day now. Money could stop being an object. I've told you that if I'm... I'm at the level of poorness at the moment

where I'm just like, first of all, I get my wisdom teeth taken out. Oh, yeah. And then I'd buy a new pair of pants. Get myself a nice wisdom tooth extraction. Yeah. And so... Maybe like a... A new pair of pants. Yeah. And so, maybe like a...

A new pair of pants. Yeah. That would be pretty nice, wouldn't it? Yeah. Something that's not already browning. I mean, like from dirt and things. You're probably... Do you think that you're more free than someone who has a lot of money?

No. But I think someone who had a lot of money... Yeah. But I think someone who had a lot of money. Yeah. I mean, could they be doing this right now? Just sitting around talking about this? You reckon they could? Well, it's just about having the right attitude with your money. It's like, you've got to have that poor person attitude.

Because the problem with a lot of people who have lots of money is that they also want a lot of money. And so, once they get it, they kind of want more money. Yeah. I think, unfortunately, the attitude that's required to get a lot of money is the kind of attitude that isn't really suited to enjoying the benefits of having a lot of money. Yeah, because I could do really well with lots of money. I mean, I live off of less than $20,000 a year. Yeah.

If I had a million or $50 million, I could just lay down a lot. I could spend a lot of time laying down. Yeah. Horizontal. Yeah, I could spend even more time on Facebook. Yeah. You could really make the most of that. Yeah.

That's the problem is that once people, they see, like you said, money's potential, and then they see the potential, and then because there's potential, they feel like they need to fulfill it. Yeah. Yeah. And you don't have to. You don't have to fulfill any potential. Yeah, Yeah. And you don't have to. You don't have to fulfill any potential. Yeah. You can be quite happy or unhappy, whichever one you prefer, just doing nothing.

Yeah. You don't need to do anything with your life. That's a myth. Yeah. That's a myth that people have to do. I want to see Mythbusters take that one on. Yeah, that you have to bother doing anything. You know those people who fill up their houses with garbage? They're really happy. Or unhappy, whichever one they prefer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'd love to fill up my house with garbage. Yeah. Yeah. The only thing that's wrong with that is, like, cans filled with cockroaches that you see and stuff like that.

That's probably the only problem with, like, that, like, you get just cans that are sitting there and they just fill up with cockroaches. First you get the cans. Then you get the cockroaches. Yeah. Then you get probably some sort of Gangrene or some sort of disease Because I imagine you're not moving very much Maybe you get bed sores

Then you get the bed sores Then you get the women Who come around and try and help you to roll over You've just got to keep it above bed sore level I think in terms of lifestyle Bed sore level is a low level Yeah, but anything above that I think is quite high. It's quite good.

Yeah. Yeah. It's sustainable. I think, yeah, bedsores are a, um, you're, you're getting lazy to a point where it's preventing you from being lazy. Yeah. You know, and that's. You've got to start moving about.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the, that's the, the ceiling. Mm. That's the ceiling. That you've got to, you will, you will bounce off. Yeah. That's the ceiling that you will bounce off. Yeah, that's your laziness ceiling. You want to stay just above that. Yeah, and it's not even a glass ceiling.

It's more like a... Sort of a piss-stained mattress ceiling. Or a plywood or something, yeah. Like I said, it's actually just like the top part of an Ikea desk. It's not really a ceiling. It's just because you're sitting on the ground for some reason in my mind. Okay, how about this for an idea? Okay.

A guy from NASA is reporting to some sort of commission. Okay. And they ask him how much the latest mission to Mars has cost. Yeah. And he says, well, the costs were astronomical. Right? Yeah. And then he laughs to himself.

Yeah. Quietly. And then... And then he gets taken away to some sort of an institution. Yeah. Where he just keeps chuckling to himself. Does he get beaten at some point? And then it turns out this is, yeah,

maybe he gets beaten, he gets electroshock therapy and that sort of thing. Yeah. And then eventually he comes back to work. Yeah. Right? And so he makes it back to work and then somebody says,

you're back to work, you've had another successful mission to Mars. How do you think it went? And he says, we're really happy with the way the mission went. We think the results we got were out of this world. And then he chuckles to himself. And they take him away. They take him away again.

Because he wasn't cured. Well, you know, he was bound to re-offend. Yeah. You can never be sure that somebody was rehabilitated. Yeah. You can never be sure that somebody was rehabilitated. Yeah. No matter. And they say, look, we thought he was ready to go back into the scientific community.

I'm writing it down. But he's not. And we're starting to wonder if there is a cure for this kind of thing. Astronomical. Astronomical. Not astrological. Not astrological. The cost are astrological. Nomical.

Astronomi. Okay, I wonder if that comes from just naming the skies. Astro. Astro, like stars and shit. Nomi. Nominal. Nom. Nom, nom, nom.

Names. Naming stars. There you go. Astronomical. Yeah. Or, okay, wait. Astro. Yep.

Which is like, could be space or turf. Yep. Right? Okay. could be space or turf. Yep. Right, okay. And then nom, which is name, right?

Good. Okay, and then ical, which is... The ical system on Macs for the calendar. Yeah, so... On Macs it's called ical. Max for their calendar. Yeah, so... One of Max's is called iCalendar. It's actually astronomical is when you set a date to name a star or turf. Okay, now, what it is?

A star-o. Okay, so it's ast, which is the end of the word cast. Ron. Yeah, cast. Ron. Yeah, okay. Ron Burgundy from Anchorman. Ron Burgundy. Om, which is a Hindi. Yeah, Hindi prayer.

Prayer. The beginning of a prayer. I see, which is a sort of a cute text speak wayak way of saying, I see something. Yeah, it's to actually... And Al, which is Alistair. Yeah. I see Al. So that's the end of a cast, which is usually the part where they take off the cast.

So they take off the cast, take the cast off Ron Burgundy. What was the other one? That's true. Then they see Ron. I see. I that's true then they see wrong i see i see and then they see me oh um yeah and then he starts praying to see me have i have i done a bad thing i don't feel like i have anything to offer to anyone. That's what I'm realizing. The world is full of closers, and I don't close. You don't close. I don't even open. I barely know I open.

I just don't close. Were you born in a tent? Which is ridiculous, because being born in a tent, you have to close. Like, it's much more... Like, you've got to zip that up otherwise mosquitoes will get in. Fucking possums will come and steal your muesli bars, which is amazing to me that possums can smell the muesli inside the muesli bar wrapper, but they can.

They can, yeah. They know fucking where the food is. Packaging doesn't fool them. Yeah, but how... Does that mean if smell can get out, then anything can get in? Anything. Anything. The possums probably don't even have to can get out, then anything can get in? Anything. Anything. The possums probably don't even have to tear it open.

They probably just get in through the pores of the plastic. The possums get in. The possums do get in. Yeah. But I mean, like, in terms of germs and stuff. There's no point having any walls anywhere. Boundaries. Boundaries.

What's the point? What's the point of boundaries? What's the point? We should all just dissolve into some sort of soup. Yeah, you think... We should all just be eddy currents in a soup of organic matter. No, Andy, don't say that. I mean it.

No. I mean it, Alistair. No, we don't. We shouldn't be eddy currents. Yes, we should. No. You're never going to talk me down. Come on, Andy.

This is my new thing. This is what I think. That you think that we should all be Eddie Currants in a soup. In a soup of organic matter. Indeed. I didn't ask to be born. Yeah, well, did you ask to be an Eddie Currant in a soup? I am now.

Oh, well. Someone's had a change of mind, eh? So what makes what you asked for now more important than what you didn't ask for earlier? Who's to say that I was in my right mind when I made the film? I could have been delusional. Well, when you didn't ask for To Be Born, how do we know that you didn't actually want to be born if you were delusional? Maybe that's what you wanted was to be born. Yeah, but I was to be born. Yeah.

But I was delusional. Aster, which is the cinema in Windsor. Yeah. Forget it. I don't want to keep going with that. Aster. NASA scientist. I think you've come up with everything.

Oh, except for the NAN business. That's a fucking great business. That's a fucking great business. Oh, man. All right. business that's a great business oh man all right so here's a you're making a cups of tea for um for ceos that's the new business idea yep all right and so you just come you walk you walk into business so you go sorry i've just got this for the ceo okay so this is the guy okay you know those those things that like deliveriver sandwiches And stuff To important companies And they hand them around

Or whatever I have a guy Who delivers cups of tea And like it comes From a factory Out in the Dandenongs Or something They make the cups of tea

In the morning And then they just Drive them into the city All on trays In the back of trucks And they're spilling everywhere And then guys get them out And then they go to

A distribution centre They get given to like couriers, bicycle couriers maybe, who ride around the city holding cups of tea and bring them into an office. It's a new system. It's a new thing that we're offering companies. It just centralises the tea making rather than having...

So this is a corporation... Okay, they're trying to employ economies of scale, right? So a big corporation like, let's see, City Water. No, not City Water. What's a big one? General Electric. Coca-Cola Amatil. Coca-Cola.

No, they're a beverage one. A little confused people. Yeah, BHP. Okay, great. They try to employ economies of scale with their tea. Yeah. Okay, so they'd get all their tea made at a factory out in the industrial zone near the Dandenox. Yeah, because the rent is lower there.

The rent is lower, yep. You can just get people who work for the Dole Schemes and stuff. Yep, yep. And then they make the tea out there, they put it into cups, and then they distribute it to all their offices around Australia. Yeah, oh, that's great. Yeah. And because they've developed, they've got so efficient now

that they can get a cup of tea to you within probably within a day of you needing that cup of tea. Yeah. It's the just-in-time system. That's pretty great. Do you want the bag left in? Yeah. That's the two options that they offer you.

Yeah. The bag left in or the bag not left in or green tea or black tea. Yeah. Oh, what about milk? Are they customizing it to that point or are they leaving some of those options with the delivery driver? I think one of the great things about the system is that the milk comes from Japan.

Yeah. Okay. From those Wagyu beef. The milk is put into the bottom of the cups in Japan. Yeah. Okay, and then shipped out here. So the milk's already in the cups when it gets to us. That's good.

So some of the work's already done. And then we just do the final assembly here in Australia. Oh, that's really good. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So centralized tea making. Yep. All right.

Is this a sketch? Using foreign parts. Yeah. Like, yeah. And what about the mugs? Where are they coming from? The mugs are actually made in Australia, so they fly them over to Japan.

To Japan. Oh, yeah. You've got to do that. Yeah. Is there any way that you could sort of compress them into a liquid form? The cups. Yeah, because they're going to take up a lot of shipping space that way. They are.

Yeah. Okay. But I guess maybe that's just what you've got to do. The cups... How can you... Yeah, I don't know about compressing them into a liquid form. Could maybe you just have an offshore, kind of like livestock trade kind of ship out there

with cows that you can just milk and keep. It's still Japan, Japanese-owned, but it's in international waters, and they just have... They milk the cows directly into the cups? Yeah, and it's like a sea pasture that they have, but it's like a truck that's kind of in a bio setup. It's like something from Waterworld.

Yeah, yeah. It's a sea pasture. Yeah, a sea pasture just for the milk. With overfishing of the oceans, particularly around Japan, a lot of fishermen have had to diversify and go into aquaculture. You know, fish farming, but also we do cows now. Yeah. So this used to be a trawler. Yeah.

But now we have about 1,500 Jersey cows on the boat. And, you know, actually a lot of cow meal contains fish products, I think. Well, I mean, it's like bringing the circle of life closer together. Yeah. So if you could just keep bringing all these ecosystems, it's like condensing ecosystems. Yeah, yeah. So you just have the keep bringing all these ecosystems, it's like condensing ecosystems. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you just have the cows right next to the fish. So you feed the fish to the cows. Yeah, and then the level above the cows, there's actually like a sort of earthy kind of like composty type thing going on above them.

And then, or maybe you could have them under the cows. It might make more sense because then the manure falls down. Yeah. Rather than having to have some sort of system where the cows poop, you fetch it, and you take it up above the cows. Yeah, but there might be good reasons for that. I'm not sure yet. Well, cows are pretty good at eating stuff that's below them.

Yeah. Grass. Yeah, that's true. So putting the grass above the cows is bold. Yeah, that's true. But are you picturing some sort of, you know, the heavens are made from grass, some sort of astroturf type situation? I mean, but you could have also a layer of cows above them with a layer of dirt as well,

which would have grass that grows down as well underneath. And the cows don't even have to bend down to eat. The grass hangs at cow mouth level. I mean, if you had lights that shoot upwards, then wouldn't the grass grow down? I don't know. Yeah, I think it probably would. Okay, there's something about the tea. The centralized tea making?

Yeah, centralised... Economies of scale... Centralised economies... Of scale making tea for a large corporation. We make the tea. See? My idea at the beginning of that... Because it's inefficient.

It's really inefficient... Sorry, it's really inefficient having everyone make their own cups of tea. Oh, yeah, absolutely. In a company. Like about 1,500 different tea-making systems all around the city, the CBD alone. It's a production line approach to tea making. Totally. And you can make it for about two or three cents a mug of tea. And it saves time.

Yeah. You know, my initial idea with that was just, you know, a guy who walks into big offices and gets to meet the CEO by saying that he's bringing him a cup of tea. And that's just how he meets a bunch of CEOs. And the guy's like, yeah, I know lots of CEOs. Yeah. And then how does he use that to get ahead? Does he use that to get ahead or not? No. And then somebody says, so how are you using that to get ahead? Get ahead.

That would be, that's a bit cynical. Yeah, that's. I'm just. Taking advantage of. Can't a guy just be friends with a lot of CEOs? Yeah. I just like CEOs. I'm just happy for their success. No one's really, is anybody happy for the success of CEOs?

I don't think anyone's like Oh, um What was the guy, the Apple guy? Steve Jobs I'm really happy for him I think some people were happy for Steve Jobs Happy for him or just like happy Yeah

Because he had quite a journey. He sort of lost his job at Apple and then came back. Yeah. And then turned the company around. Yeah. And, you know, had his thing of only getting a dollar a year in pay and stuff like that. But he had, like, other money, though. He had stock options in Apple, which were worth billions and billions of dollars.

Yeah. And did he die without using them? I think in the end he gave some of that money to charity or something, but I don't know. But I'm not happy for Bill Gates that he did that, that he made lots and lots of money. You're not happy for him. It's like, oh, well, I'm glad that happened for you. Like, oh, there you go. Things worked out for Bill Gates, didn't they? I think there's a sort of, there's a cap on being happy for people.

Like, you're happy for people up to about $500,000. I don't know if I, yeah, I think even that's a bit high. No, but let's say your brother makes $500,000. Do you think you'd be happy for him? Fuck no. Yeah. But if he made, like,. Do you think you'd be happy for him? Fuck no. Yeah. But if he made like $50 million, you'd be like, well, there you go. Yeah.

Yeah. Cool. And then that's when you start turning on him. And that's when it becomes really difficult for people to have lots of money. Because people complain about that. Like, oh, life was so much easier before I was making $1.5 million a month as a football player. That's, yeah, that's, I mean, you don't want people to like you if you say shit like that, though. Like, if you complain about how hard it is having lots of money, you've given up on having friends or having anyone like you who's poorer than you.

Yeah, having. Like, it's a really efficient way to shed poor friends if you complain about the consequences of having... I don't know if anyone actually does that, though. No, yeah, I saw that. It was like a thing about a footballer on Twitter or something like that saying something like that. Like, you know, life was easier before he was making 450,000 pounds a month, like playing soccer or football or whatever. And it's like, hmm, well, I guess you better just buy all your friends from now on because people are just going to despise you.

How could your family even like you? I don't know. Is it okay for people to just start hating their family? Like... I don't think so. No? That doesn't sound okay. No?

I don't do that, but, like, family... Maybe I will, though. Yeah, you never know. Might be my new thing. Ah, family. Yeah. I don't feel like I've contributed very much good to this episode. No.

Yeah? It's been good. It's been lovely. We've got... It's been fun. Do you think we should wrap it up? Yeah, let's wrap it up like a tortilla. Yeah, like a...

Let's wrap it up like a really well-written rhyme. Good. Let's wrap it up... Let's wrap it up like a rapper in an elevator. Let's wrap it up... Like's wrap it up like a rapper in an elevator. Let's wrap it up like Jay-Z on an escalator. Okay, so... Thanks, guys. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. guys.