Two In The Think Tank - 109 - "ATTEMPTED WITNESS"

Episode Date: December 12, 2017

Moat Mountain, Ocean Call Out, This Means Waugh, Double Witness, Danish Liberal Approach, AW You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!) Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family  You can find us on twitter at @twointank Andy Matthews: @stupidoldandy Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb And you can find us on the Facebook right here Apologies to George Matthews for producing this one ourselves. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit PlanetBcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank to show where we come up with five sketch ideas Alistair from Libertural is his name. And Andy Matthews is his also name. Welcome everybody to the podcast. We Obviously we love you that is the We're doing that on the front. We're getting it out of the way. We're saying look obvious. Obviously we love you It's like it we're like having an argument with our partner. All right. We want to lay the ground rules

We're saying look obviously we love you. Yeah, all right And now I'm gonna say a bunch of really horrible things with our partner. All right, we want to lay the ground rules. We're saying, look, obviously we love you. Yeah. And that's a thing that I'm going to say. A bunch of really horrible things, but remember, obviously, I love you. Okay. So, and I said that to begin with, I framed the debate. All right. And it doesn't matter what happens from here on in.

That all of these things come out of love. Obviously, they all come from love. You know? No, that's a great technique. Although I don't, you don't ever hear anybody sort of getting away with anything based on having done that. No, no. It's not a good defense. Okay. Like legal or physical?

A good defense is like a shield or like a tower with guns. Yes. Or a high ground. High ground. So if you sort of had like a shielded high tower with guns that's on top of a hill. Yes. And then you said, now this is coming from, now remember, I have a honey, I have a shielded height hour on top of a hill with guns. So, yeah. So, this is all coming from a place of high gun, gun, gun defense. Now would it also help with that high, high ground, with somehow a mound but made out of like liquid, like if it was, if you're

on a hill, like obviously it's good to be on a hill. Yeah. But the thing about a hill is people can just climb up it. Oh, do you mean the, so you're you're suggesting some kind of moat mountain? Exactly. Exactly what I'm saying. Like if that could be a pile of water. Right? Like a standing wave. Yeah, standing wave. Well, they have those in Thailand. There you go. Yeah. It's about time they create something since the red curry. The penang.

Oh, the penang. The gang penang. Wait, I think penang might be Malaysian. Oh, really? Well, penang is a place in Malaysia, what you could do is you go back to the medieval times and you could you could bring them standing wave technology. Yeah. Sort of a lot of sort of tie tourism technology. Yes. And and convince a lot of kingdoms to build their to build their castles on top of I guess on a place that is surrounded by things which I guess will

I guess on a place that is surrounded by things, which I guess will keep enemies away, but also bring tourism in. Now, there's a common saying, don't build your castles on sand, right? And people usually take that to mean we'll build it inland, but sand is very often the boundary between the sea and the land. So it's very much still possible to build the castles on the sea. Yeah, I think maybe you could build it on on sort of solid ground. Yes. Maybe put in a sort of in-ground pool around this. Yes. But then one of those will make it kind of like a saltwatering ground pool. And then line the outer part of the ingrown pool with sand to kind of make it sort of

beach-like. Right. So that you're still getting that kind of the beach. The beach because people love the beach. People love the beach. And maybe, maybe people who are coming as your enemy will show up at the beach and become friends. Yeah.

I don't know, you know. I do know. And the answer is yes, they will, because the beach is where friends are made. I also feel it'd be good if instead of water, it was custard. Just because to me, that's visually funnier. And I know that you can technically run up custard, but you have to maintain speeds. So people would be trying to run up your standing wave of custard to get to your castle. But the custard will be the top castle.

The custard will be moving. The custard is moving. Yeah, the custard will be on the move. Well, the individual molecules of custard are moving, but the emergent phenomenon of the wave is stationary. Yeah, right. Because it's a standing wave. It's of the wave is stationary. Yeah, right. Because it's a standing wave. It's a standing wave.

Yeah. And if you don't know what a standing wave is, I'm sorry, we've wasted your time. No, no, no, you can go, the quick YouTube, take five, go to YouTube, watch some people wiping out, and there's the problem with you. You will wipe out your enemies.

Yeah, that's really good. With a standing. It'll be a total wipe out. Yeah I was trying to find some kind of saying This is back when I was talking about that the beach might also convert some of your enemies into your friends. Yeah saying that You know the best defense is a good old friend's love of the beach. Right, but I couldn't think of a good one for that, you know. Yeah, I'm going to struggle with that one, I'll say. Everybody will throw that out to the list of this.

Hey guys, if you got any puns that relate to a person who's built a standing wife, made out of custard, and a sort of beach around, beach moat, around their castle, and we're talking about converting enemies, possibly into friends when they attempt the sort of custard beach. If you got any puns related to that, we send them in to at to in tank on Twitter. And Mike, it sure it's an original pun as well. Don't just go to your Philip Adams big book of ripper Aussie puns about standing wave castles. No, of course not. And beaches and friends. Actually, don't go to the big book of ripper puns of any country.

puns of any country. Fair enough. Hey, is Antarctica? Yes. It's a, it's a, it's a continent. It's a continent. But is it a country? No. What it is is it's like a pie where everybody's called dibs on a slice of the pie. But nobody's allowed to touch the pie. Well, they're putting their mitts on it, but they're not allowed to like enjoy it. So they can sort of, they can smell it and they can look at it. And you can really lick the pie and ruin it for everybody else. So they're not going to want to touch the pie. Or they're not going to want to eat the pie. But they can't, you know, like when we go to a new country and we discover a land, which

is probably been discovered by someone else beforehand, but anyway, you put us flag on there. That is the country version of licking the pie. Yeah, licking the side of a monosbar. Do you think that we could do something with that? But there's other people who are gonna be grossed out because your flag is on, I don't want to live here.

Or alternatively, you know, an explorer lands on some land and then there's another, there's a French ship coming over the horizon and so they lick it really quickly. And so the French are like, oh gross, no. They lick the land or they look the ship. They look the land. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Be weird if you look the ship. I mean, in a way, that's what the ocean is constantly doing to land. It is giving a wet kiss to the land. Just crawling up it and then moving back. It's a bit hot and cold. It is gross. Like, if I was the land, I would feel very encroached upon by the ocean.

I wouldn't be surprised if the next big player to get called out in the media is the ocean. Wow. You know, that it's been sort of crawling up and down land's leg for too many years. Yeah. And tickling it sure. And, you know, I think sea levels rising, obviously, it's getting worse, right?

It's getting more cocky because nobody has said anything. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, you know, a lot of people have said things, but they important people aren't doing anything about it. Right. You know, and it's always those people in power who have the power to, you know, try to make these things stop. We need those people to get on board and stop this thing from happening. Okay, so is the, I mean, and also the, the, the ocean is notorious for luring people into it by appearing to be sort of calm and peaceful and trustworthy.

And then maybe a rip will drag you in or, you know, some or a tentacle or a tentacle. A dirty tentacle. So, I don't know if this whole idea is hugely problematic, but I think it is a sketch and I think it could be made to work in some way. I also think that, oh, you've already written down Motemountain. Yeah, I've already written down Motemountain. Andy, what do you think I am? I'd be intrigued to hear your idea of what the format is for the Motemountain sketch. And let's take a go. I don't know. Look, I mean, I guess a simple, you know, if we went as simple as pitching defense to, you know, I mean, you said it many evil times, but he's, but he's just come back from

a trip to Thailand, like the guy. Yeah. And he says, got a great idea while he's there You're ever seen a standing wave And not well because you know how high High places are great defense. You know, it's always good to have a high advantage even even on one-to-one combat You know in martial arts if you're like three steps above somebody You know on like a stairs. Yeah, that is a good weight. And it's a good advantage.

That's not really hand to hand anymore. Is it that sort of foot to hand? Foot to face. Foot to face. Yeah. Foot to face combat. Yeah. Hand to hand.

Like what are you getting out of hand to hand? What are you just punching the other person in the hand? In the hand, yeah. But you know what, you hear about fists breaking a lot. So whoever has the most durable fists. That's interesting. You know, I do think that fists are the heads of the arm, yeah. I think that's fair. Which is kind of like, you know, like, how deer and sort of those, those bald dinosaurs dealt with stuff, a lot of the head ramming. Yeah. So, so you think really it's punching is really sort of headbutting. Yeah, punching,

especially, yeah, punching is headbutting. It's time to headbutting. Yeah. So I think that I think that's very good. I think you could also have like maybe like a sun zoo, like the art of war, but he's riding it and he, you know, one of the things is, obviously, art of war, but he's writing it and he, you know, one of the things is, you know, obviously a high advantage is an ideal, but actually if it's high, high water. Oh, absolutely. Whatever man, fuck. Well, you know, I know we don't really do any kind of pun-pun-based sketch ideas anymore, but I just wonder whether anybody who's interested in the sport of cricket, whether anybody ever

released a book called The Art of War, and it's about the war brothers or Mark war or Steve war. I am absolutely sure that there has been at least one war, war pun based war book about the war brothers. So war is built WAU. It feels like it would have been all that happened during the time of their reign. I mean, there would have been so many articles, so many bloody newspaper. And if they hadn't a thought of it, I mean, it would have been a real, I guess, all of sort of, the media, I guess, would have, would have been letting down the world.

Yeah. It's just another missed opportunity to do a war pun. How often do you get a cricketer who comes along, or any kind of public figure, who comes along, who's surname basically is a word which we have so many sayings about. Like the only way it could be better would be if you had a cricket player whose surname was cricket, or like good at cricket, or Batman.

Batman, yeah, or two in a bush. Yeah. I'm sorry. Because that's a saying, you know, one of the hand to in the bush his last name was to in the bush Like mark to in the bush. Yeah, yeah, they'd have so many opportunities to make Make pun especially if there was another one Another cricket I called bird in the hand. Yeah.

And he had been traded in because Yeah. To win the bush, had just had had had an injury. Yeah. But fortunately bird in the hand what had just come off a reaper season in the Sheffield Shield. Yeah.

Right. And was available to be drafted by the Australian cricket board. And so he was... I mean, they would have been crazy not to. To not do it then. And that sort of circumstance, yeah. Do you think, like, oh, fuck. Because the famous Evan Costello who's on first, what's on second sketch?

Yeah. Right? That is like the definitive comedy sketch that gets pointed to all the time. It's a fucking shit sketch. It doesn't make any sense. It's really dumb and so long and boring, right? Like there's no logic to it.

Like, look, why do the people have these fucking names that just happen to make your sketch work? Like what you're asking us to accept a universe in which the sketch is funny. I think that would be a fun idea is to do that. But with their names, somehow being exactly that, like what you're saying is like a convenient punch line, a convenient punch line name. Yeah. Wait, who's on first?

Convenient punch line name is on first. And then the sketch somehow continues from there. Yeah, look, I look, we'll have to figure it out. I think this is going to take, look, it's just mathematics, those kind of sketches. Yeah, you just sit down with a slide rule and a... Advocates and I guess, and I guess, and your math teacher. Yeah, Mr. Boyle. Mr. Boyle.

Mr. Boyle. I think I had Mr. Ware. Well, that's it, That's a very good, uh, Where's on first? Like even just a version of the sketch that just doesn't work at all. Yeah. Because it's only the where's on first. When's on second?

He's on his ears on first. When's on second? Oh, this is painful to me. But I think... What about house on first? Because it kind of is kind of closer. Yeah. House on first. What?

No. What's on the bench? No way. How? I think Is it like yeah, there's there's something in in this like whether it is the The drafts the people drafting the players for the cricket team Whether or not they actually give active consideration to the surnames of the people on the team and whether or not they actually give active consideration to the surnames of the people on the team and whether or not you've got to be like, well, think about the headlines for this guy.

This guy's surname is very good batsman. I just feel like it's going to be crazy not to have this, you know, pick this person because, well, firstly, if we don't pick them, the article will read very good batsman not selected for the cricket board. Like, he's got us over a barrel here. Okay, we're going to look like idiots. Okay, you can see the headline tomorrow, which cricket board doesn't select very good batsman. That's going to look terrible for us. And this guy, his stats are amazing, but his, his surname is incompetent behind the crease. And I, I don't think we can sell, I think we're gonna lose the media cycle.

You know the backlash we got for letting go of the one in the hand. Look, there's something, there's something in this idea. But again, I think it's a puzzle sketch. It's a puzzle sketch. It's a puzzle sketch. We piece together. We must piece together. And it's like, like any puzzle, it's satisfying to see something very boring to watch somebody else do it.

So we're not going to do that in front of you. Or inside of you as our voices currently are. Oh my God. Because I mean, when you're listening to stuff, you don't really hear it to the side. You kind of hear it like it's right in the middle of your head, isn't it? Well, yeah, like it's within the skull, right? Like the noise gets down inside the ear canal and vibrates your eardrum and so on and so forth.

So where this, our voices are right now is within your head, right? And that's obviously a very privileged place to be, right? A voice in your head. Right. And that's obviously a very privileged place to be, right? A voice in your head. Really? And that sends all voices of voices in our head. Jim. It's true. That's where you hear voices. Where's where you hear voices? Where else would you? I've got voices in my foot. See now you're crazy. Now. And I think that's how they actually, that's, that's, that's the scale of, well, of crazy. Because I mean, like, look, there's got to be some rules for getting into, into mental institutions, especially they've, they've shut down a lot

of them. Yeah. Right. And they can Really, they're just more exclusive, right? Yeah. They've just made it more exclusive. They've set the bar higher. And there's got to be a thing that people say so that they know, like it's an exclusive club so that they know that you're truly like mental. So it's like the equivalent of you must be this tool to ride the roller coaster. You must be this crazy to be institutionalized

in this place. And I've got voices in my head, is the classic, oh, I'm crazy as portrayed by the media. And so if somebody's a, it's faking it, that's probably what they're gonna use. They're gonna go with. If they just wanna free bed and they wanna hang out in a mental institution, right?

And a real comfy walls. But if you name another part of your body where you're hearing heads, I mean, not hearing heads, you're hearing voices. Anyway, I don't think that that's a sketch. No, I don't, I'm, you know, it's, if it is, it's probably not on the right side of history, Alistair. And I don't want to be on the wrong side of history, because you know where the wrong side of history is. ask there. And I don't want to be on the wrong side of history, because you know where the wrong side of history is?

Where? And the past. Where are the wrong side of the history? The wrong side of history is before stuff happened, right? Like, you know, like if you're on the wrong side of the battle of hastings, well then you're probably some time in 1064 or something like that.

Wait. I'll stay out. If you could go back in time, would you go back to the wrong side of history? Be interesting. What would you do? How would you go back to the wrong side of? Like as in, just go back there

and say tons of awful things. Yeah. What does that mean to be on the wrong side of it. Like as in, just go back there and say tons of awful things. Yeah. What does that mean to be on the wrong side of history? So it means that your, you know, like society has moved to a certain point where we don't. We look back and we're like, oh, that was definitely wrong. That was a bad thing to do. Yeah.

Yeah. And so you want to be on the right side so that when people look back at your life if say that it was recorded in a podcast form and it was stored in some archive forever. Yeah, yeah, maybe Libson or what you want to be doing. You want to be putting yourself in a context where just by comedic necessity, you very often say a lot of things that you don't necessarily agree with or believe in, right? So that no matter what happens, there's a permanent record of you adopting a series of shameful positions, which probably in the future will be taken out of all contexts. And all the

contexts will have disappeared or will be meaningless and all that will remain will be your inappropriate statements. Yeah. That's just what you your inappropriate statements. Yeah. Right. That's just what you want. Yeah. Common sense. Well, I guess then we don't need a time machine to go back to the wrong side of history. No, we're already there.

We've built them as we build a trap for ourselves. Luckily, we don't plan on achieving too much and no one will want to take us down. That is my plan. Yeah. That is interesting, isn't it? You can sort of just lie low, but low profile, right? Like, yeah, I think it's just like, it's like just like having a nice car. You have a nice car, then people might want to steal it,

right? So if you have a nice job, people might want to knock you down. You can't abuse power. Especially if you do something bad. Like, I mean, this makes more sense. If you're a bad person, but you just drive a really shitty car, no one's going to try and key your car. And nobody can tell you're bad because your car's bad. So you look like it's just appropriate.

You're just consistent. You're blending into the background. If we're in a bad shirt, you're probably shopping in a bad place. The people who are looking at you are probably bad. Yeah, yeah, that's, I think eyewitnesses who themselves are committing a murder at the same time is, you know, probably not reliable, right? Oh, that's, that's a great scenario.

It's where it's two people being interviewed. I mean, the eye witnesses for each other's murder. But it's two separate murders. Right. Separate unrelated murders. Completely unrelated. Right. So you're committing a murder and you glance across and you maybe you sort of look up to

just wipe some blood out of your eyes and you look across and you see another person committing a murder. Yeah. Right. And obviously, you're, maybe while you're, it should be interesting because while you're committing a murder, maybe your senses are really heightened anyway, right, because you got a lot of adrenaline. So you probably notice a lot of details. Yeah. Right. So maybe you'd actually be an excellent eyewitness. It'd be like being on mushrooms or something. Yeah. Well, not that people on mushrooms are excellent eyewitnesses, but their senses are heightened. The senses are heightened, right? So you're committing a murder. Maybe yet, so it's like the perfect witness is somebody who's currently committing a murder,

because their senses are heightened. And also they are, well, it's like that, it takes a thief to catch a thief. It takes somebody who is currently committing a murder to recognize someone else who is currently committing a murder. Absolutely. And it would be so hard at a time like that to not get that instinct like when two truck drivers

are passing each other to give a little way. Because you're recognizing a lot of yourself and them. But also you would probably notice the differences a lot as well. So if you're doing a stabbing and somebody else is doing a shooting, you'd be like, oh that's interesting because I'm doing a stabbing. But I mean, if the other person's doing a stabbing and you've got us, you're doing a shooting, but you're watching them stab, it'd be hard for you to not like have your arm go back and forth like that. Sort of like your, well, I guess one of the advantages is that a lot of people who commit murders like this probably don't have a lot of empathy.

So they don't have that problem with mirroring neurons and the temptation. And that might be quite good as well because as a murderer, they're probably quite dispassionate and able to observe things from the outside without getting emotionally involved. Because I think a lot of the time with eyewitnesses, their emotional response clouds their memory. Somebody who is a psychopath has no emotional response is able to you know see from the outside and and be real clinical. And so then they're just sitting sort of in separate interrogation rooms and then they're trying to dub on each other to try to

Yeah, but I think I think it might be a TV show where we also see some reenactments. With some point of view shots that like... Yeah, like from their own view, while you can just sit a see their hand, sort of fake stabbing, and then you see the head turn and it looks over. And you see the shooting? And you see the shooting in And you see the shooting. And then you see the wave at each other. But if they're waving, like if they've got

that professional regard for one another, then are they, like why are they testifying against the other person? Well, because they got caught. Oh, because I think there's just a chance of them lowering their sentence. Yeah. But they're not friends.

They just it's just for a moment there they weren't alone in the world. Right. Of course. And they got to forget about their problems. Maybe. Yeah. And maybe that if they had met a little bit earlier, maybe before the murder, they would have been able to sort of talk about the reasons that they wanted

to kill somebody in that specific location where they both. It's a crazy coincidence. It's a crazy coincidence. And it's like wearing the same shirt to work. Like are you going to laugh a bit or are you going to feel awkward? Yeah. And I wouldn't, and it's a lot of the time when you end up in a such scenario Where something is so unlikely like that?

That it gives a moment more value, you know, right? Yeah, you really remember those Crazy coincidences in your life and like and when you meet somebody in that scenario It makes it seem more special because it doesn't seem like it should have happened. Yep. And so I think it could really be the beginning of a great love story. Wow. Because now they're bound by this unlikeliness.

This co-incid and so strong that maybe once they both go into prison, something could blossom. That's really nice. Twice while you've been talking, I've had an idea and I've got to remember that and forgotten it and then got it back again and forgotten it. Wow. So that's disappointing.

But have you written this down? Cause I think that's a... Yeah, witnesses were also committing murders. I've kind of written it down like that. Yeah. Hopefully we remember what that is. But if not the way I'm going at the moment, probably not. Well, look, it'll come back to you. Do you think your idea was about committing murders? Yeah, it was it was it was definitely about that and it was I'm going to say really really funny. Oh, no. Yeah. And what was worse was because I was trying to remember it,

I couldn't really listen to what you were saying. That's okay, yeah. And then that, you know, obviously that couldn't, our story couldn't go any further. Yeah. I was deep into turning this into a love story. And yeah, and I, if I try to hold on to this thing, I've ruined, I've ruined what was right in front of me. Yeah. And I guess look, I guess I picture it, you know, like that scene in the first season. This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money by switching to Progressive?

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No. It's basically just Matthew McConaughey sitting at the end of an interrogation desk. Maybe they got him some beers. And, but he's a, you know, he's an ecco-cop. So it's not like he had done a bad thing. Maybe he didn't I can't remember. But I think that's kind of like how I see it. They're just they're in each and they're both in the room. I guess there's a lot of movies where there's that scene.

Yeah. If people are sitting in an interrogation room, do they have interrogation rooms? Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Or police departments, are they going all open plan now? Or so is it more like hot-desking? Yeah, it can be. There's a hot interrogation desk. I already thought that the interrogations were desks were pretty hot. They're pretty hot.

Yeah. But open plan, even the cells don't really have like fixed boundaries. Right. So what the prisoner does is I guess the prisoner has like a little backpack or something. And maybe they can sort of, there's a lot of mobile chaining stations, right, throughout the thing. So they can sort of be chained to wherever. Yeah. Right. And it allows a lot more flexibility and a lot more collaboration and a lot more collaboration, a lot more creativity. Breaking down those boundaries. Like Jail's cell walls. Exactly. Really, we were finding that the cell walls were putting up barriers between people.

And that is the kind of stuff that really, eventually those walls, they stop being physical walls that become mental walls. Yeah, and I guess while you're at it, you could break down the barrier between sort of criminal and cop. See, that's very interesting. So I think soccer went to the next level

once every player was an all-rounder, you know? Right. And every player was both a all-rounder, you know? Right. And every player was both a defender and an offensive player. Yeah. And I think maybe that's the way that cops should be. And criminals should be. Cops should be both cops and criminals. Yes.

And criminals should be criminals, but also cops. And, but also, I think we have to recognize that a criminal who's done a murder say is worse than a criminal who's done, you know, just a robbery, right, breaking and entering. So why can't you have the person who's done the breaking and entering, investigating the person who's done the murder? Because morally speaking, they're still superior to them, right? That's all you need. So you just need like down the chain. You just need to shoplifting people to be investigating the breaking. Breaking, entering people to be investigating the murderers. The people who run red lights could be investigating the people who sort of, you know, ran people down on the street. Yeah. Exactly. And the people who run orange lights

are investigating the people who are in. I'm not sure exactly what the investigation involves. Well, investigating somebody who's run a red line. By me, yeah, I think it's a good way that maybe you could lower your sentence and maybe lower the fine. Oh, okay, that's really good. You do some of the police work? Well, okay, one more.

So, because catch me if you can, right? So, the end of that is that, sorry, if you haven't seen the movie, I'm gonna spoil the ending of catch me ifigestion. It's a real life thing. It's a real life thing. Maybe don't talk about the movie, just talk about the real life thing. Oh, okay. Well, this isn't the movie.

This is the real life thing that it was based on. So you just spilt, spoiling this guy's, our big nails, real life. Yeah. So Frank Abe, now, Jr. Jr. It was a con man who eventually winds up working for the FBI investigating, helping them investigate a check fraud. Check fraud and stuff like that and starts a company and turns out to be quite successful

Right, so what what other things can we do that with like I feel like that's a particular kind of crime Yeah, right where the specific knowledge that he had made him a good investigator Yeah, but there must be sillier versions of that that we can. Well, there's also the interesting aspect, which would be like going to see a career's advisor who's saying that you would be actually quite good at sort of being looking into check,

you know, like being an investigator for check fraud. So how do I get into that? Well, I think first that you kind of run at the big check fraud ring. Right. You know get into that? Well, I think first that you kind of run a big check fraud ring. Right. You know, and you get a lot of contacts in that industry. And, you know, and you sort of, you excel at your craft. And then you, once you know the basics,

but then not just the basics, the sort of the high-end stuff, then you get caught, obviously, you serve. Well, none of, before then, I think you develop as sort of a cat and mouse relationship with an older cop. An older cop who will sort of act as a kind of father figure that you didn't have. Obviously, you've got to get rid of your father. Yeah.

Is that going to be a problem? Yeah, that's not, I mean, you really want to do this, right? Yeah. And then I suppose, yeah, anyway, that's just one direction I could go. But another crime that you could commit, maybe sort of like something where you sort of like overfishing maybe like overfishing avaloning. Yeah, I like that a lot. I think I think I think you can still use the title, catch me if you can as well. Absolutely. So it really, you know, saved us a lot on, we can probably still use the same opening titles.

Well, I think. And instead like he's kind of, he's kind of just like, we can just superimpose one of those sort of shocking knives into his hand that you use for sort of prying the abalone off the rock. Yeah. Yeah. I'm still traumatized, but I once went abalone fishing with a friend, we were snorkeling, and we both had those knives. And one other thing is to see the thing about swimming is it involves sort of flailing your arms around in front of you.

And the thing about Abelone getting is it involves holding a big knife. Right? So you and me and my mate swimming around, and like you sort of focus, you're out of your element, you're in the water, and you're focusing on two different, two totally different and unusual tasks, which is swimming so you don't die and, you know, prying abalone knees off the rocks with this big knife.

And like occasionally, you know, you can't do both those things in your mind at the same time. So, for a while, I was just focusing on swimming totally forgetting that I had this huge knife in my hand. It was swimming quite close to my friend, and occasionally my mind just goes back to, I could totally have just stabbed him in the neck, and I would not have, you know,

it would have been utterly unwitting. There is a third task that you're also completing when you do that, and that is not breathing. Yeah, because you're underwater swimming, prying sort of, creatures that are made for sucking up I get it rolling onto rocks. Yeah, and then also not breathing which is something that you're accustomed to The abalone is really they've only got one job to do yeah, and that's the thing they do all the time Yeah, but I'm trying to do three things that you never do if I can avoid it

Yeah, so wait. So then in this scenario, somebody is a, I guess, is an Abelone pirate, an Abelone poacher. Yeah. And then he becomes... I know. I know one. There's a famous one in Tessie called Straun.

Somebody or other Straun, she's name. Was he a Peter Helio character? I think he got a Straunie. Was that what Peter Helio based his character on? He later went into football? That's right. Yeah. This guy was like a real, like he was the Frank Abagnale Jr. of Abelone crime.

He had this really, really fast boat with compartments in the bottom where he could store the abalone, and then if the police came close, he could dump the abalone out, and he could also get away from them. And it is the thing, because eventually the police took his boat and used his boat to, because the boat was so fast, used his boat to chase other abalone catches. Wow. Andy, I think we haven't come upon a sketch idea. We've come upon something that is inevitable. Yeah. Is that the criminal will eventually become the cop. Or at least they boat will.

Yeah, at least their boat will become a cop. We might... Boop cop. Okay. Can we go back? I think I think there's I think some kind of like the the the point where this where this was the closest to being funny for me was when it was police trying to break down the barriers in the in the police force. Yeah. Right. I think that's good. Yeah. And and so somebody's proposed that within the group. Yeah.

And it's a new, maybe it's like a, it's a new police commissioner who's come in from the world of business rather than from the world of policing, right? You know, sometimes the hire someone who doesn't have any experience in making television to be the head of the ABC. Yeah. Yeah, it could be something like that, or it could be also that it's like somebody who's here to reform and he's read some article about something they do in Scandinavia.

Yeah. Of course it would be. Yeah. It's in Denmark, all the prison cells, right, I just drawn on the ground with chalk, right? And all the police badges just have a question mark on them, right? Yeah, and look, and like all the police, all the, the, the, there's no difference between a prison cell and, and a police desk. Yeah.

Each, each prisoner is given a computer and a badge and a gun and a caseload. And when you get into the court, everybody is in the dock. Everybody stands trial, simultaneously, because ultimately, it's society that has to take responsibility, that is on trial. Then they try this and it half works for a bit and then eventually the prisoners just start killing the cops. I almost don't want to know. I don't want to see it trying to be reenacted now. I just want to see the day and it like a documentary about the Danish Just a sister Right? Yeah, I think that makes sense. Yeah Like as it because it's yeah, I think then that's a parody on all the studies and things that come up

Denmark and about how you know all what we do is we We pay the teachers really really well. They pay the prisoners really, really well. It turns out, yeah, you could, and each prisoner is given a big box that they can sleep in. You know, this has got to do with like Sweden or Norway or something like that. You know, like when a baby's born, they're given the specific, this box. All that's right, a box full of all this stuff that you need. Yeah, but the box is also their first crib. The box is edible. The box is made of other babies. The box is made of breast milk.

Dry breast milk. In Denmark, every woman is a wet nurse. It's right, every woman is constantly lactating. And every man is also lactating. We put and every man. He's also lactating. We put hormones into the water so everyone is always pregnant. Any baby can be suckled by any member of society. Denmark's the best. I think a series, I'm up now for a series of things about Denmark and their radical, you know, what do you call it,

liberal socialist or something like, what is the democratic socialist approach? Of course, it's all, well, this may not be true, but a lot of the reason that the stuff works or is possible in those countries is because they do have a huge amount of oil wealth from oil in the North Sea. Certainly for Norway I think that's the case. That's why they're able to find so many of their social programs. And also high income tax. Right.

And they're also hugely Islamophobic. Are they? I think a lot of these, like that was a joke, but I think a lot of those countries, as well as being very good socially and have all these kind of great programs, there's a high rate of Islamophobic. Is that where Anders Brevick was? He was no way. I think so.

Well, Sweden. Look, I'm sure that a lot of these people are also, I'm sure it's like in Australia, which has a lot of its problems to do with Islamophobic. No, hang on. I'm sure that there's probably a big large percentage of the population that are the best. Yeah. And then there's a few, probably like 20, 30% of the people who are really ruining it for everyone. Mostly people who are really ruining it for everyone, mostly people who are Islamic. But they're all to a person tall and beautiful. That is, and I'm not backing down from that.

No, that's okay. Anyway, I have a feeling that the next person to be called out in the media is going to be Andy Matthews for his inappropriate approaches to everyone, everyone in Scandinavia, even though you are the most Scandinavian looking person in the world. In a way, you were just looking at a mirror and just saying, you were beautiful. Yeah. I almost just drowned. I'll just stare at it once again again doing is really creatively passive aggressive attack on me, which is by.

For you in such a huge glass of water and then drinking it really like with huge gulps and finally it's had a. It's come back. It's come back to bite you in the ass to drink me right in the ass. Yeah, it just gave me the NMI deserved. Andy, we technically have five sketches. Look, I think that's great. I think we should bet this baby down in a box from the Scandinavian government.

Scandinavian government. Although I do think Danish liberal approach sketches I think that's a whole that's that's look I think that that kind of has a feel like What was that it was this it was a series of TV shows It was like they were like science-y kind of videos Look around you. Remember, I wanted to kind of have, well, it's got that kind of idea, like to me, it has that feel. Not in that, I want to recreate that feel.

But in that, it's like, oh, this is a new thing that I forgot that we could just do. I think that's so great. And I would like that as a series, with a particular style and feel of shooting. Yeah. Could all be in just a light CPA tone as well. Not about CPA. Not not. But it's got it's been color graded in a way. Yeah, yeah. Color graded. That is a natural, unnatural grade. Well, it's that, it's that northern light, you know.

Everything's under the northern lights. Constantly. Or an northern light's always green. Yeah, always green. Really? Exclusively, no, I don't think they're always green. I think there are other colors. Are there some blue ones?

It could be some blue. Any red? It might be a little bit of red. Can you get a purple one? Oh, there's a purple one. Yeah. And what about orange? There's orange, isn't it? Really? a little bit of red. Can you get a purple one? Oh, there's a purple one. Yeah. Andy, what about orange? There's orange, isn't it?

Really? Yeah, they have orange. Yeah. That's all the colors of the rainbow. All right, we got Mote Mountain, which is a great new defense for medieval castles. And the sketch rods itself. The sketch rods, this is a real easy format thing.

It's something that is both a moat and a mountain because those are two forms of defense for a castle. And we achieve it by creating a standing wave. Yeah, and then I, but I think is your castle then need to be floating on top of that wave? I think it could be, I think there could be a mound of dirt underneath it.

And the standing wave is. It's over the mound. Unless it's a floating castle. But, you know, it's surfing. It's constantly surfing up there. It could sort of be a castle that you got get from like national geographic. That sort of has magnets underneath it and kind of hovers and spins. Good. Do you think that'd be disorienting for the for the enemy as well?

And for the people in the castle. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. When they talk about, because they had serfs in that time, is that what they're referring to? Serfdom? Serfdom? Is that something?

Serfing kingdoms, that is Serfdom? Yeah, it was a Serf-Septem. Yeah, great. Yeah, so Motemountain. I guess they could try other types of way, so Motemountain. I guess they could try other types of way of doing Motemountain, you know, because if they were like, if they're, maybe they could make one out of jelly, because jelly is kind of like a liquid. Mm.

And so put a castle on some jelly. Whipple, wobble, wobble, wobble, jelly on a play. Anyway, we got, we got calling out the ocean that's going to have. It's probably going to be an onion headline or something like that soon. Yeah. That's the land that's been encroached upon by the ocean. This is probably an appropriate sketch. Oh, this is a, sorry about this one, but this is the sort of a possible who's on first parody, where we sort of talk about like, you know, convenient punchline name.

But it's a puzzle sketch, but then within that, I've kind of also built in the idea of the cricket sketch, where they take into account, you know, people's names and the puns that they will make when they recruit them. Because I mean, really, really it's quite difficult to tell the difference between the quality of two cricket players. I think ultimately, and because a lot of people don't get good until, you know, they've been playing for a while, right? I think Matthew Hayden, you know, I think he really came

into his own a couple of years into his career. And two years into his career. a couple of years into his career. And... Two years into his career. Probably. Yeah, it felt like he got a lot of chances. Yeah, right. And then he was great for quite a while. And then he's, and is he bad again now?

I think he's out. Oh, he retired. Yeah. And now he's presenting a gardening show. Oh, no. Well, but wasn't good for a couple of years, but now? Yeah, now he's great. Yeah, he's great. He's got a pulse weeds and everything.

It's called home ground. Anyway, home grounds actually was called. Yeah. Jesus Christ. I don't know why it fends me so much. Um, witnesses? Okay, this is where I start to get good, I think. Yeah.

We need a couple of sketches, much like Matthew Haddon, we need a few sketches under it, about taking anything of any value. Witnesses were also committing the murders. So this is two murders that were happening at the same time that people got caught, but the people while they were murdering, they could see the other person murdering. And I mean, to be honest, I'm worried now

that law and order are gonna steal this because they are desperate for a storyline right now and the double murder, double witness. They love ripping things from today's headlines. Yeah, and maybe from today's punchlines. Ripped from today's punchlines. Yeah. I mean, imagine if they both double witnessed a double murder.

Wow. Well, I think that's what Lauren order would do because they often like to hide things as well. Of course, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then, but then you've got, so then you've got four victims. Mm-hmm.

I guess, yeah. I guess, do you, if it's one person committing both murders, is that still, do you still get to be considered a double, a double witness? Or do you think you'd have to watch two separate people murder one, one person each? It's tricky because I don't know if double witness is actually a thing. So I don't know whether or not you could or could be one of those. Well, also what double murder is a thing, but you can be a double murderer,

but you can't be a double witness. Yeah, right. So why? If you have an attempted witness, you can have an attempted murder. An attempted witness is somebody who ran after a guy who he thought was going to commit a crime. And then he did. You heard something happening around the corner.

You're like, oh, I got it there and see it. But you didn't quite make it there at all. Surely your testimony still has some kind of value. If you can be charged with attempted murder, you can be heard in court as an attempted witness. Look, I wasn't there, but I want it to be. I would have been... Please, listen to what I have to say. And the judges are like, I'll allow it. Like, I'm reading down attempted witness. You know, I've all my life, it's even premeditated this witnessing because I've been, all my life

been preparing for this, buying binoculars, doing memory courses, doing memory courses, eavesdropping a lot, hanging out in bad neighborhoods, killing people so that I can see what it looks like when it happens. So that hopefully I can recognize it when I see it. There you go. There you go. Yeah, all right. And then there's obviously there's the Danish liberal approach.

Series of sketches, possibly a web series that will that'll win many web series awards. Great. I think it's good to set those kinds of boundaries and parameters before we even start writing it. Right? Like people say, oh, such and such, the writer of an award-winning TV show, or, you know, but very often they'll only say that after it's won those awards.

Yeah. Or, you know, at least, you know, we're saying that even before it's been produced, even before it's been written. And look, I know very rarely you ever say that about anything that I would ever do. He's currently writing an award-winning series. I think it's like his award-winning series is about to go into production. You got to be able to, you got to call it for it to really matter. That's right. Well, they did, you know, and this feels like a very Danish liberal approach, but is to all the students at the start of the year, you tell them they've got an A, right? And then you just see what they produce, right? So, Alistair, I'm telling you right now, you won six AFLs. At the school, they give them A's at the beginning of the year,

yeah. Right? And they tell them to go home. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.. Yeah okay at school at the start of the year they give them all a job as doctors in a hospital in a working hospital. That's really good. Yeah and you find that children under that in that circumstance really achieve their potential they rise to the occasion because you've demonstrated to them confidence in them. It's kind of like a reverse battle royale. We make all these, we make a class of kids, all doctors, and we put them on an island. And the first one to die of. But to save a life.

Okay, maybe, yeah, I was going to say the first one to die loses rather than the last one to die for life. Okay, maybe yeah, I was gonna say the first one to die loses rather than the last one to be alive but Put that content in the big doctors. I mean surely the first one to die loses in almost any scenario Yeah, I know in my mind that was the joke, but oh okay, it could be the first one to save or the last one to save a life The person who saves the most lives. Look, it's the last one to be struck off the register for medical negligence.

Okay, so they still sound... Winds. They, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, so they still have like adult people, men with guns and stuff trying to hunt them down. Oh, wow. Right, like on Battle Royale. You were watch bottom row.

No, I haven't seen it. That's wow. Right. Like on Battle Royale. You were watching Battle Royale. No, I haven't seen it. That's all right. I think it's essentially like a... Hunger Games? Yeah, but like they definitely stole that from Hunger Games, I think. I stole it from Hunger Games. I mean, no, I mean Hunger Games definitely stole it from them.

Really? I would say so. Battle Royale. Look who knows. You know, Battle Royale, the thing has all the big society thing with people with weird wigs and the chili pen. And France, they call it a battle royale with cheese. They call it a big Mac.

That's really funny. Wait, what is the actual thing? Is it a big Mac? He said this is a big Mac. Yeah, he says in the Royal with cheese. France, they call it a Real with cheese. It doesn't work on any level. Instead, there's nothing says in the Royal with cheese. In France, like a little around with cheese. It doesn't work on any level, unless there's nothing that can be done with this.

I think, yeah, I think they could call it in France, they called Battle Royal, Battle Big Mac. Without cheese. With that cheese. With that cheese. That is nothing. That is, oh wow. If it is something, it's the flimsyth gossamer of something.

I am going to look, I mean, technically it's yours. So you have to tweet it. But if you don't want to tweet it, that is absolutely the kind of thing I would tweet. And I will happily take the 35,000 retweets that we'll get. All right, I'll tweet it then. No, you want to tweet it? No, yeah, that's cool. Let's go for it.

It feels like something you would tweet, Alistair. I think you should tweet it. Andy, I am absolutely cannot, on the record, steal your joke. Even though I helped craft it. You certainly did, Alice did. But look, I want the embarrassment to be all yours now. Right.

But at least anybody who listens to this podcast will know that you're not entirely to blame. I coerced you into doing it. Thank you. And if anyone can work out what it was that I was trying, was the joke that was really funny that I was going to make about the people witnessing each other's murders. And it's, that'd be great.

That'd be great. Right in. So we do the beat part and then we'll go and do the rap up. Thank you so much for the podcast. I feel like I had a bit of a weird energy this one, do you think? Yeah, no, but Andy, you've been breathing in bleach all day. Yeah, that's true. I have breathed in a lot of bleach. Yeah, so Andy has developed a bleach. I got that bleach board.

It's got that bleach board. It's a that bleach board. It's good. It's good. It's a good thing to say about somebody who's very white. Yeah, and I am that. Yeah, great. So I'm ready for summer. Yeah. Got that bleach board. Got my bleach board.

Oh, my lungs. Yeah, great. So you can find us on Twitter at AlistairTV. He's at Stupid Old Andy and then it's also at Two in Tank for the team as us, you know, and you can find us on Facebook You can also if you want to support the show you can go on to patreon dot com slash two in tank you can donate we've finally installed that thing that says if you donate three bucks You can send us some words.

Oh yeah, so this is our new reward or whatever you call it. Like Patreon level gift thing. Yeah. If you give us three bucks on the Patreon, you can submit three words, which will become the basis for a sketch. Oh yeah, and so that, since we're wrapping up this episode, we won't do it now, but one person has started doing that and we will use his words in the next episode because there's nobody to pick from and

And he's already got some good words in there. I'm really excited. I'm really looking forward to it. How do people give us the words? Well, I haven't written in the thing, but I think you could either just tweet at us or just I think look Do it on the Facebook because it'll send people to our Facebook, Facebook, to in the think tank pan, and then also it'll all keep it in one place cause I think the Twitter that'll just kind of be a mess and with all the likes and everything like that. Oh, we get so many likes.

Well, we don't get that many likes. Anyway, we get too many likes guys. Stop liking our stuff. And I have a well-ming. And you know what, I hope you have a really good life. And I have awhelming. And you know what? I hope you have a really good life. And we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network.

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