Two In The Think Tank - 11 - "All You Can Stand"

Episode Date: July 8, 2013

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Yep. Hey, welcome to Two in the Think Tank, episode 11, with Andy and Alistair. I'm Alistair. The ATB. Oh, there you go, Andy. You were just pointing too vigorously. ATB. Yeah.

So what's going on with you, Andy? AJM. AJM? Well, if you're going to do that, you've got to do A-G-W-T-B for me.B. Yeah. So what's going on with you, Andy? AJM. AJM? Well, if you're going to do that, you've got to do AGWTB for me. Okay. Thanks. It's going to be a long show, guys. Guys, it's going to be a long show saying Alistair's initials over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Anyway, so. I've got a sore throat. Yeah, well, you know. It's in my neck.

You've got to learn about your limitations, Andy. That's something that... Who's that guy who tells people what to do? Richard Simmons. Tony Robbins. That was close. Yeah, you were kind of close. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like Richard Simmons is the body's Tony Robbins. And so Tony Robbins is the mind's Tony Robbins? Yeah. Tony Robbins of the mind. No, he's the Richard Simmons of the mind. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm a pony.

I'm a pony. That's all I remember. I think that wasn't the Nutty Professor. And that's Tony Robbins? Richard Simmons, yeah. Okay. Oh, wait. I get it.

You already knew it wasn't Tony Robbins, didn't you? I did. This whole time, I was one of those guys who pretends not to know that it's Tony Robbins, but who does know that it's Tony Robbins. I think I'm one of those guys as well, which I think is why we're doing a podcast together. Okay, what about... Just two guys who know it's Tony Robbins,

but pretend that they don't know it's Tony Robbins. What about this? Okay. Now, this isn't the sketch, right? But this is a thing that occurred to me just that second. Yeah. And I feel like we can turn into something. The seven habitats of highly successful people.

Okay? Now, I don't know that that line needs to be mentioned in the sketch. But is there something funny about really successful people who live in the jungle? Yeah, and burrows. Burrows. And, you know that trapdoor spider yeah i think this should be one of those but it should be like a ceo of a company yeah and he just opens up this circle of dirt and grabs like a bird that's walking by or you know or something that's more related to no i like that it's a bird or like a bug or something. Yeah.

Well, because that's how, you know, it's like Warren Buffet or Buffett or whatever and who. I like Buffet. Yeah, Buffet. Because he's got a lot on his plate.

Anyway, okay. I like the idea, you know, because they talk about, he's like, he still drives the same truck that he's had for 20 years, you know, whatever.

Same truck. He hasn't bought a new truck. He's got, he still drives the same truck that he's had for 20 years, you know, whatever. Same truck. He hasn't bought a new truck. He's got so much money, but he doesn't buy any trucks. And so... You'd think the first thing you'd do would be buy some trucks. Buy a truck or two. Yeah, at least two. I mean, he's got a six-car garage, no trucks.

One truck, but none of them new. Everything else is new In his life He's just got this Fucking truck Truck The guy looks like A lunatic It's out of place

It's incongruous He's 75% cyborg But that truck Is 35 years old He's had his He's become a higher Plane of being He's just a being

Of pure energy Still drives the same truck You wouldn't believe it You wouldn't believe it Such a down to earth guy Richest man in the world Donates so much of his money become a higher plane of being. He's just a being of pure energy. Still drives the same truck. You wouldn't believe it. You wouldn't believe it. Such a down-to-earth guy. Richest man in the world. Donates so much of his money. So much.

None of it to truck companies. Truck companies struggling. Most of them going out of business. Yeah, the automotive industry in America is suffering. This guy bragging about how he doesn't buy no trucks. Encouraging the public to stay with old trucks. Rubbing it in the face of General Motors. Making driving an old truck cool again.

You know who's making driving an old truck cool? Warren Buffet. I see a picture of Warren Buffet rolling into like a high school car park. Yeah. And all the other kids are like, Oh! Check out that truck!

Oh my God! And Buffet's just swinging his keys, leaning against the fender. It's so old! Oh, he must get it maintained really often. He must just be really careful with his 100-kilometer service. 100-kilometer service. 100-kilometer service.

Yeah, 100 kilometers. Ding, ding. But, yeah, I imagine he sleeps in an old abandoned truck. He still sleeps in the truck. He sleeps in it. This is the habitat. Oh, yeah. He's like a, yeah.

Or he's like a, maybe not even in the truck, just somewhere like underneath it. Or like in a, there's like a hole in the metal, just somewhere underneath it. There's a hole in the metal that's been rusted away. He crawls in. He crawls into there. Inside the wheel arch. Yeah, and his little tail kind of hangs out. Warren Buffett's tail?

Yeah, Warren Buffett's fuzzy little tail. Who else would have a habitat? Bill Gates Bill Gates And he just He makes a He makes a nest Yeah Out of like

Torn up old books And then Like a Like a No I was going to think of What's that bird That collects blue things?

Oh The bower bird The bower bird Like a bower bird But with newspaper Yeah For some reason His thing is newspapers.

No, that could be Rupert Murdoch. Good. He just picks up... He just surrounds himself with propaganda. It's warmer. It keeps him warm. Yeah, because of the... How thick it is.

I couldn't do any puns or anything. You couldn't even do any puns, Alistair. I couldn't do any puns or anything. You couldn't even do any puns, Alistair. I couldn't do any puns. Couldn't do a single Rupert Murdoch controlling the media. Like keeping himself warm. No, I was trying to do a keeping himself warm. Under the covers. With his newspapers because they're more...

All the... It's just outrage generated by Andrew Bolt keeps him warm somehow. All the friction. All the heat that's on his papers because of their phone hacking scandals. Yes! Yes! We did it, guys. We finally did it.

Oh, my God. Okay. So, seven habitats of highly successful people. I think it's just like, you know, if we were filming that sketch, we'd have a nice day out in the woods. Yeah. You know, I could encourage that. We could go down to Tasmania. You know, that's a place kind of where you...

We could go back to Tassie. Tassie, you can go back... We could go to the growling swallet. Well, I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is, but okay. It sounds... Like, it's a perfect mixture of sounding completely filthy and like like you know like like sex filthy and like like a day in the bushlands yeah and a cafe it's a

it's a sex filthy place in the bushlands or a cafe the growling swallowt is, I believe, it's some sort of section of the forest where maybe a stream goes underground and makes a funny noise. And it sounds like it's growling. And it's also a swallowt. Swallowt. I think it was the word swallowt that made me think it was filthy. And the growling sound. Yeah, yeah. Growling.

The filthy growling. Well, I think The growling. The filthy growling. Well, I think highly aroused people, they growl. Yeah? No, that's not an arousal thing. Maybe. Anyway. I just realized because I growl sometimes, but it's not a sign of arousal. I just do it sometimes when somebody's putting their hand near my food.

I just thought that turned you on. Yeah, it does turn me on, but I didn't want you to know. I didn't want to admit it on a recording. Yeah. It's now recorded in indelible digital. What does that mean? Is that a pun? Is that a pun?

No, it's not. But indelible means that it can't be erased or ever gotten rid of. So it's kind of a joke because digital is really easy to erase. Although apparently there's no such thing as really deleting data. I think even Bill Gates got in trouble with something about when Microsoft got done for antitrust with their monopoly or something, forcing people to sign up for Internet Explorer or some shit. There were some files that he'd tried to delete off his computer that were subpoenaed, and then they found them.

They were able to extract them again. Wow. Yeah. Well, maybe at that point we didn't know you couldn't delete things. So does that mean that our hard drives can just hold an infinite amount of data, that you can just keep... That's what I'm saying. You can keep deleting...

That's exactly what I'm saying. ...and bringing it back. Turn myself down too far. Oh, you should turn yourself up too far. Or not, or, yeah, just to... I was already up too far. Well, I know, but then you went too far down, so you've got to go back up. Too far. Too far.

At least a half a too far. Yeah, half a too far. Too far. Too far. At least a half are too far. Yeah, half are too far. Half an eternity too far. This is... Sorry. Yeah, I don't think that that's the case. I'm sure if you write over the top of the data or something, it probably can't be retrieved. Well, that was his error, that he didn't write over his data.

Didn't overwrite. Silly Bill Gates. Him and his... Burrow. His interconnected series of tunnels. I mean, I think maybe he could be like a... Allowing him to pop up. Maybe he could be like a hermit.

A hermit crab type of situation. Yeah, crawling inside. Yeah. What's about a good... Like, if you were... Okay, let's say people are hermit crabs. Humans are hermit crabs. Yeah.

What would you choose to put, like put the back half of your body inside? What do you think would be a good kind of receptacle that you'd be able to find out there? Maybe a wheelie bin? Yeah, a wheelie bin could be good. And the fact that it has wheels would make it easier to drag behind. Drag. Because you'd be using your arms to pull yourself forward. You would.

Or would you just stick your ass in? Just your ass and have all your legs and hands hanging out. Because if it was just your ass in, maybe like a relatively flimsy shelf cupboard, like a standalone cupboard from Ikea, because they're relatively light. Relatively flimsy. Yeah. I think like a big esky. Maybe I could stick my ass in a big esky. Or like a trunk where you would keep a lot of costumes in.

Oh, the old costume trunk. Box. Yeah. Costume box. Yeah, costume box. And then you could close it over you. First of all, you'd be warm because you'd have all those costumes. You could keep changing identities.

Yes. You know. Which is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, that would make a highly effective, highly, highly effective person. Well, what's a sketch that we can do with an identity, something to do with identity theft? Okay.

I can't give my identity away. Yeah, there's that. I left my identity on the street with the keys in and the engine running, and nobody wanted it. Yeah. Somebody, yeah. Or maybe there's somewhere where you're applying for an identity, and then you're trying to get the identity of the person who's taking your details down. You. Somewhere where you're applying for an identity.

Okay. This is why I don't come up with the ideas. Maybe I do come up with the ideas. You do come up with the ideas. Okay, great. Good. Oh, thank God. I like to reassure you sometimes that you come up with the ideas.

This is what I do. I make one mistake and I just crumble. I've never done anything worthwhile in my entire life. Oh, empathetic failure. Yeah. Okay, wait. So somebody can't give their identity away They, uh

But that is kind of a thing That, like, you feel like you're only as good as your last joke In, like, uh, in comedy or whatever And, and then you take that off stage And you just take that into your everyday life Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, man I, I, I brought it to comedy People think that because of me

Yeah That wasn't a thing in comedy before I came along Yeah I brought it to comedy. People think that because of me. That wasn't a thing in comedy before I came along. People saw how quickly I crumbled after I did one bad joke, and they were like, wow, I guess you're only as good as your last joke. Yeah, that's where the saying came from. But I didn't just have it as jokes back in the day. I just had it as everything. You're only as good as your last everything.

So if I made a bad sandwich, I've never made a good sandwich in my life. Yeah. If I had a bad helicopter landing. Yeah. It's the worst. It actually is the worst. Yeah, it is. It is terrible.

You're only as good as your last helicopter landing. You know what they say. You can't rest on your laurels. No. Especially. In a helicopter. In a helicopter. I can't imagine it'd be very easy to rest at all in a helicopter.

No. Like, do you ever think, oh, sorry, I fell asleep on that helicopter on the way here. Really? No one's ever said that. No one's ever said that. I just napped. It's okay. I actually got quite a bit of sleep on the helicopter on the way here.

They probably could, actually. Helicopter lag would be so much worse than jet lag, I imagine. Just anything where you have to wear ear protection all the time. Do you have to wear ear protection on a helicopter? I picture yes is the answer to that. Yeah. They can't. I'm amazed that they put

the president in a helicopter. They don't seem safe to me. Yeah. And look, they're both not safe. They're also

so fuel inefficient. Because they're just, it's just all it's doing is constantly fighting the force of gravity yeah like at least with a plane you've got lift from your forward movement yeah you feel like with planes gravity to a certain extent says okay look i'm gonna give you a free pass like i've tried pulling you down um and and we've established that planes fly yeah it seems like they were built for fly.

They're quite a lot like birds. Yeah. Uh, I'm not going to argue with the plane. Yeah. But a helicopter, I feel like gravity doesn't take its eye off that helicopter for a fucking second. Like the whole time it is, it is clinging to, it's a, it's just like, it's a, it's a, it's a loose, it's a very fragile equilibrium.

Yeah. And it's cause it's a very fragile equilibrium. Yeah. And it's because it's so noisy. Gravity can't get any sleep. It can't forget about helicopters. Gravity's upset. Yes. Helicopters upset gravity. And that's why so many people die in helicopter crashes.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Guys, if you, this is our new religion. It's upsetting the universal constants of the universe. It's too offensive. Yeah. Apparently bumblebees shouldn't fly. Yeah.

And I feel like bumblebees and helicopters are pretty much the same sort of thing. But scientists have done studies and they can't work out how bumblebees are able to stay in the air because from an aerodynamic point of view, it shouldn't be possible. Maybe it's just because they're super light. I wonder if they considered that when the scientists looked into it. They probably didn't. Because they look really heavy. Yeah.

I just assumed it was really heavy. Yeah. I'm a scientist. Yeah, there's a lot of assumptions there. We measured everything else, but we just took a punt at the weight. What do you reckon? Two kilos? Yeah, there's a lot of assumptions there. We measured everything else, but we just took a punt at the weight. What do you reckon, two kilos? Yeah, probably. We couldn't get him to sit down, sit still.

I've seen footage of like, I think it was maybe on a David Attenborough thing where the bumblebee wakes up. Wakes up in the morning. Yeah, wakes up in the morning and then he goes out onto the leaf or something. And then he just starts like he just like starts like sort of rolling his shoulders a bit roll him over yeah rolling over and then he starts warming up his muscle like that and he's just like yeah you know sort of shadow boxing a bit yeah and then but he has to like get his body really warm before he can even get the the wings flapping at the at the rate that they need to in order to get him to even be able to launch yeah so he has to start like

okay then he starts flapping a bit, and he's, like, flappity-flap, flap, flap, and then eventually he starts going, like... But then you... That's quite good. Yeah, I think you can get a pretty high RPM on that. Yeah. And then that's when he takes off, but you can see...

I think they had maybe a heat camera on him. And they could really... On a bumblebee, you can really see the heat change. Do you think bumblebees are just fat bees? I think that's how we treat them. Yeah. It's like, look at that chubby old bee. Like, I've never been afraid of a bumblebee.

Like, bees and bumblebees, once upon a time they had a common ancestor. They were the same thing. And then the bumblebees were just upon a time, they had a common ancestor. They were the same thing. And then the bumblebees were just all the fat ones who got ostracized and then became their own species. Yeah. Do they live in hives? I don't know if they live in hives. Are they solitary? I think they might be solitary because they're the fat ones.

A single bumblebee couldn't get into the hive anymore. Do you think that in human society, fat people will eventually become so ostracized because of our pressure on body image and stuff that they'll branch off and become their own species? And then scientists will look at them and say, we don't know how they're able to walk. Fly!

They shouldn't be able to fly. But then they'll be out there all in the shore. Maybe they're really light. Yeah. I don't know. We're not going to measure them. And we're certainly not going to ask them. Yeah.

Maybe that's why they didn't weigh the bumblebee, because they thought it would embarrass them. We don't want to draw attention to this. Yeah. I'm sorry. Well, you've had a hard enough life. You've been ostracized from your genetic people. Can we weigh you? How dare you?

How? They just asked the bumblebees about their weight, and they just lied. I'm a size 8. What do you guys eat? Oh, I just have a cucumber once a week. And just a couple of flakes of cornflakes. A couple of flakes of cornflakes. I never snack in between meals.

Or if I do, it's just a glass of water. I just read a big article about obesity last night. How big? Did you feel ashamed after you read it? It was actually, it took forever to get through it. Were you full? I did feel bloated with information afterwards. About obesity.

Yeah. But then you kept reading. But then I thought I'd get maybe like a... And then I read afterwards, I read an article about diabetes, even though I was already full of information about obesity. And so I thought, because my brain was kind of hurting, so I thought, all right, I'll get a band put around my brain to maybe just slow the intake of information. But I've been warned that if I keep consuming information at the rate that I was before with this band on, I could break and then I could die. I could vomit myself to death. Vomit out information.

To death. To death. Were you going to say anything else about the OCD article? No, I don't think so. Okay. Because like the lap band surgery, getting a band around your stomach. Can we do a sketch with that? Something to do with that? Yeah.

Like getting a band around some other aspect of your body, personality and or life. Yeah, right. Like a big elastic band around something so that you... What are some other things where like... You could even do it with like... There's internal lap band surgery. Yeah.

But then we've also developed external lap band surgery, which is where we just go around your house to all your food containers, and we put a big elastic band, like, around your bag of cereal. So you can't get to the cereal in the bottom. You can only get to the cereal at the top. Yeah, you can only access little bits at a time. Even when you're coming through with your hand, you kind of drop a lot. It's like a skill tester test.

Skill tester test? Is that what they're called? Skill testers? It's a skill tester. Skill tester. Yeah. Or, okay. Wait.

Rubber band. What else could you put journalistic band around? So, something about somebody who overmothers their child. Yes. Okay. Put a rubber band around. Their teat? Their teat, yeah.

Oh, but then the teat will drop off. That's horrible. Constrain, yeah. Won't that cut off the blood supply to my testicles? Someone who has too many kids. Someone who jerks off too much And so they're lap-banned It's actually right in your lap, this one

Yeah And it'll... It should stop you from masturbating But won't it cut off the blood supply to my testicle And then they'll eventually fall off? Maybe I've never heard of that happening I've certainly never listened to anyone who was telling me that was happening.

And that's pretty much the same thing. I've never heard that. Is that a good argument? I've never heard that. I don't take in a lot of information. I had a guy the other day at the bottle shop who was being really fussy about what he wanted. But a lot of the time he would just go, I've never heard of these brands. And so when we recommend stuff that we thought was good and you go, no, I don't know any of those names.

And then I go, okay, well, how about this, which is one that you did know. And he's like, oh, I don't know any of those names. And then I go, okay, well, how about this, which is one that you did know. And he's like, oh, I don't want that. And I felt like maybe because that's the worst mixture of being both a really picky and sort of like... A person that's really ignorant. Yeah, both picky and ignorant. But maybe he's just like Groucho Marx and he wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would have him as a member. Like, anything that he knows about. I'm just a...

Look, I'm just a schmo. I'm just... I don't know anything. So anything that I know about mustn't be good. Anything I don't know about... But he's also afraid of the unknown. Yeah, anything I don't know about mustn't be of a high enough quality.

Yeah. He was in a bad place, that guy. Yeah. You'd have to probably introduce wine into his subconscious, maybe. I don't know. While he was sleeping. Yeah.

So he knows it, both knows about it, but doesn't know about it. He sees the wine and he just has this feeling of deja vu. I feel like I know about this wine. That's what he wanted. He wanted the wine and he just has this feeling of deja vu. I feel like I know about this wine. That's what he wanted. He wanted a wine that he felt he knew.

And that he felt he knew that it was good. Maybe that he got to know when he was in primary school and then hadn't seen for years and years. But there was just something about it. It was like, I think maybe we went on a school trip with this wine or maybe we just shared a bus ride. But there's something there. There's a connection.

It's an old flame. Old flame. Old flame. I mean, that thing about from... What was that movie? That movie you were just talking about. Putting something in somebody's head while they sleep. Oh, Inception.

Inception. I wasn't talking about that, but okay. But that's... Yeah. That idea that... Because they say in that that you gotta... The person has to like... You can't just tell them.

They have to think that it comes from them. Yeah. Or else they won't accept the idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's such a true thing. Oh, yeah. I think you need to do that with everything. Make people think that it's their idea.

Yeah. And then they'll be like, yeah. Yeah, this is a good idea. I do that all the time. It's fucked. You do that it's their idea. Yeah. And then they'll be like, yeah. Yeah, this is a good idea. I do that all the time. It's fucked. You do that to people? No. I have that thing where I think it happens where somebody suggests something and then I'll be like, fuck that.

And then a couple of days later, the idea will come back to me and I'll be like, oh, that's a good idea. But it'll take a while for me to realize that it was not my idea it was somebody else's idea if at all maybe my entire personality is just things that people have suggested to me a couple of days before and then slowly come back to me after initially being rejected so does that mean that you get the pleasure of rejecting things and no but like i think we all do it mean that you get the pleasure of rejecting things? I do. No, but I think we all do it. But you get the pleasure of rejecting things and thinking that you're your own person. Yep. But then you also get to be improved by the world.

There's no downside. And also you pretty much have no free will. It's all will. All win. All win? All win. All win for me. Win and no free will.

I feel like it would upset you for me to tell you that you have no free will. I probably would, yeah. You have no free will. What? Yeah. How do you feel? Upset. Yeah.

I had a feeling it might. When boats get tipped upside down, they refer to that as the boat being upset. Which it would be. Yeah. I've seen, like, oh, it's amazing to see those giant cruise ship boats when they tip on their side. Amazing. Yeah.

It's worth it. It's almost worth it. Yeah. The loss of life at millions and millions of dollars. Yeah, I mean, the millions of dollars I don't care about. I mean, mostly because they're not mine. No, and also these are people who are going on a of dollars. Yeah, I mean, the millions of dollars I don't care about. I mean, mostly because they're not mine. No, and also these are people who are going on a boat cruise. Yeah.

I'm sorry, but you're not a real human being if you're going on a boat cruise. No, that's true. You've forfeited most of your rights. Humanity. You've cursed the land on which we grew and taken to the oceans to be with other rich dickheads. Have buffet 12 times a day. No, buffet. Sorry. Eat a buffet 12 times a day.

Do people call buffets buffets? Possibly. I think you get, certainly boats get buffeted by the wind. I don't know if there's a connection. There isn't. We should move on. Okay. So there's all you can eat. Yep. How about this? Okay. All you can watch. Listen to. Stand. Stand. Or you can stand. Or you can stand restaurant. Yeah. Okay.

So you can eat as much as you want, but as you continue to eat, the food just keeps getting worse and worse. Yeah. So it's just a question of what you can tolerate. They keep bringing you the next plate. So they just bring it to you. So it's table service. Yeah. Right? And each plate, it's the same variety of foods, which, because it's a buffet, it's like, you've

got a slice of pizza. Yeah. You've got chicken nuggets. You've got some pasta salad. You've got pasta salad. You've got a shitload of prawns. Yep. And a couple of oysters.

And what are those? Potato gems. Potato gems, yeah. And then about 50 rashers of bacon. Yep. Okay. So they keep bringing that to you. They bring that, but each time the quality of the food is less.

So, you know, the second time the oysters are sort of like, you know, they're sort of more shrivelly and dry. You know, by the third time the oysters have hepatitis. You know, the pizza just gets like, you know, first time you're getting your pizza from crust. That's not the best. It's not. Crust isn't actually. Okay. It's a homemade, you know, somebody.

And as they put it, it's like homemade. And some Italian woman goes, Oh, you're skin and bones. Yeah. And smacks you on the face. That is the best. That's the best. But, you know, it's because they use very few ingredients.

It's very simple food. That's why it's so good. And she keeps it very simple. It's mostly slapping. It's where a lot of the pain comes from the relief of the slapping. That sentence made no sense. No? You said a lot of the pain comes from the relief of the slapping.

Sorry, I meant the enjoyment comes from the relief of the slapping. From the pain. Slapping causes pain. Yeah, okay. I think that's a concept. All you can stand restaurant. All you can stand. Alright, we'll write it down.

Yeah. But also maybe the service would get worse and worse. Do you have to be standing? Is it like you have to eat it like they actually don't hand you a plate? It's a paper plate. Yeah. No, well, that's later on. They take away the table and the chairs and you stand there with a spork trying to eat the stuff off a paper plate. And the music degenerates as well. The music's terrible, and you're starting to make small talk. In the end, it's just like an office Christmas party. Yeah, and the booze is getting worse as well.

So by the end, even goon is too good for you. Yeah. They're scooping stuff out of bins. Yeah, yeah. Like, oh, no, it's the stuff people spit out at wine tasting. Oh, the spittoon. The spittoon stuff. But, you know.

I feel like there are some people who would go to this restaurant. But it's cheap. But it's cheap. So, I mean, that's it. Like, there's got to be a reason why people are going to go to this. Yeah. But it's also like it's like a challenge.

Make it through the last round and you get a t-shirt. And all, and I, like, I could... All expenses paid

trip to the hospital. Yeah. Well, you've got to pay the ambulance fee. I mean, as long as you've got an ambulance cover.

Ambulance cover is recommended. And is sir interested in the ambulance cover this evening? No, I'm going to back myself. I don't think I'm going to... The chef recommends the ambulance cover. Yeah, the chef... The ambulance cover is particularly good this season. Oh, and try these antacids.

Antacids is what they're called? Antacid. You know, ants actually do have acid in them. Formic acid. Formic. And is that... That's why they smell bad when you squish them. Really? But apparently only some people can smell that. Really? That's the thing. That's one of those genetic things, like being able to smell

asparagus pee. Only some people can smell ants when they get... Some people can't smell asparagus pee? I can't. You can't smell it? No, but I can smell ants when they get squished. I can smell both. I'm not flawed in any way.

Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm flawed. Yeah. Well, of course. Of course. These are basic functions. If you can't smell something that's a really strong smell, imagine what else you're missing in perception.

Most things. Probably. If you can't smell asparagus, P, how do you expect to appreciate the beauty of a sunset? I don't know that there are any other... No, you think those are the only two things that you're missing out on? Probably. That sounds really naive.

It sounds like you're not seeing something. I'm missing out on my own naivety. That's one thing for a start. That's at least one thing that you can't experience. You know how Christians... I think one time I was at a bowling... It wasn't even me, but I'm pretending it's going to be me. I was at a bowling club with a friend.

We were on a road trip, and we're sitting having food, and then some guys came and sat down next to us. They were having some food as well. I think maybe I got the steak Diane. Yeah. Because, you know, it's a bistro. Steak Diane. But, you know, it was in a coastal town, and it was overlooking a beach and water. The water was there as well.

Yeah, not just the beach. And you could see the sunset. So I'm guessing we were on the West Coast in this case. Yeah. And one of the guys says, hey, when you see that kind of beauty, how can you not believe in God? How can you not know that there's a God out there? you not believe in God? You know, how can you not know that there's a God out there?

It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Goaltenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. I feel like that when I smell asparagus pee.

How could there not be a God when something's so intense and kind of awful? Yeah. Yeah, there must be a designer. This is an interesting thing. That's good, but I don't have anywhere to go with it. It wasn't really anything. No, no, no. But it's interesting and funny. This is an interesting thing that I found out recently about monotheistic religions versus pantheistic religions.

Where you only have one god versus you have a bunch of gods. But monotheistic religions are much harder to make work from a theological point of view and explain things to people. work from like a theological point of view and like explain things to people because if you have more than one god you know you have a bunch of gods you can say well yeah there's one god who loves you sure but then there's this other god who hates you and he's responsible for all the bad stuff whereas if you've only got one god everyone's like so why does god allow bad things to happen but if you've got more than one god you can be like well that's because that guy's the other guy is a dickhead yeah you see you see, that's good. That's way easier.

I know. It seems obvious, right? I would much prefer... Yeah, I think I'd be more likely to still be in a religion if it was for that. Yeah, if there were just a bunch of gods, and there was one who was responsible for all this different stuff. And I would love if there were gods. Yeah. Like people of real authority

who can actually do magic. Do you think if you knew, you absolutely knew that there was a god who was watching what you're doing and judging you, do you think that that would change the way you lived your life? Do you think that you would make better use of your time?

Be less of a, you know, lazy person? Probably not. Like, in the end, it just comes down to effort that I'm not willing to put out. But if you knew, say, that God had given you particular gifts, particular opportunities, and, you know, there was a chance... Well, you knew that you were probably going to go to hell. Can you imagine... Knowing I was going to go to hell?

Yeah. Because there are people who must feel that, right? Yeah. Who believe in God and, like, they know that if they do this thing, then they will go to hell. I think it would be like when you're working in a job and then you hand in your letter of resignation, but it's, like, a month away. And you've got a month where you're just like, I am not motivated to do anything. Yeah. So, like, I know I'm going to hell.

I guess that's why Catholicism has to have confession and the chance that people can get out of going to hell. Because otherwise people would do one bad thing and then be like, well, fuck it. Yeah, exactly. What's the point? So they have to have that built-in thing where you can just like, as a last thought on your deathbed, you can just go, sorry, like that.

And then you go, ah, it's all right. He still loves you then. Because no one would believe in, surely, if there wasn't the possibility of forgiveness. Yeah. Well, that's the thing is that when this religion was sort of being built, because it would have come from earlier ideas and things like that. And there would have been all these flawed religions before where that wasn't there. And then someone was like,

all right, we've got to put in this clause. Okay, well, that clearly didn't work. Yeah, so it's like a programmer, you know, who's like, they're finding all the loops that people can get out of the loopholes and things like that. Okay, well, all right, well then... People building Facebook looking at MySpace and being like, okay, we don't want to do that. Yeah, yeah.

So now we've got to be able to do that. And then also, okay, we've got to put in there that this god says that all other religions are bad. That's a good one. And if you believe in them, you're going to hell. All right. Okay. I'm worried that people aren't going to – like how do we get them in to begin with?

Because getting people in, that's tough. So what if we told everybody that they were bad to begin with, right? Straight away. And then they've got a reason to come down, okay? Just for that first time, at least. No, absolutely. Yeah. And why don't we get them?

And a good way to tell them that is when they're in a really bad place. Let's say they're sort of poor. Yeah, good, good. We can get them while they're poor and things like that. And then they're like, like Well the reason you're poor Is because You do bad things It's because of you actually

Yeah Yeah that's good And But Luckily there's a guy Who loves you And wants to make you better And so do you think

That people go for that So he loves them Right But how do we explain then That like bad stuff's Happening to them Oh well He loves them as long as they apologize for the bad stuff that they've done.

Yeah, so he's a dickhead. Great. Great. Yeah. Very selfish. No, no, this is good. Let's write this down. Is anyone writing this down?

This is all good. Yeah, yeah, okay. I know there's 12 of us here. Let's just each write down our own version. Hey, we're all the old books from... Although I do like the idea. I have often thought about that, but I don't know how we could build it,

but like the Bible as a computer program, or like religion as a computer program or like religion as a computer program. And so it's got all these, yeah, it does have all these clauses and these logic things in there to keep you in.

Or like a virus, kind of thing like a virus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That protects itself. And multiplies. That's the thing is that it's also going to be like,

because it's a meme, right? So religion's a meme and so it has to find a way of spreading from mind to mind to mind like that like so yeah it's kind of like a computer virus or a regular virus but like so you know it's like it's like that computer virus that used to get into your computer and then find your your address book and then email itself to all the other ones and so it's like yeah like

that landmark form that goes like hey tell everybody you know yeah you get them on board right that's what you got to do get them down yeah and that's them that goes like, hey, tell everybody you know and you get them on board, right? That's what you've got to do. Get them down. Yeah, and that's them accessing your address book, right? And then just going, come on down to this thing. It's the opposite of Fight Club. Yeah, yeah. The first rule of this cult is you've got to tell all your friends and people you don't know.

Yeah. That's the opposite of Fight Club. That's what religion is as well. It's Love Club. Love Club. I'm going to, I don't know if it's a sketch at all, but it's kind of been done as well. Yeah. is a computer program that guys are writing...

Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. No, I think you just have a bunch of nerds sitting around in an office trying to write something, but they're writing uh yeah a religious program yeah there's something something in that yeah like a there's 12 of them a religious program for some reason you said that it made me think of like a like a like a tv show rock It's a rock kind of music festival program.

Anyway. Yeah. So, you know, I'm wearing a jumper, and it's blue. Mm-hmm. And it's kind of dirty a little bit, but... It is kind of dirty. Yeah, but... Got a bit of filth on you there. But, you know, it's not what you wear, it's how you wear it.

Okay. And I wear it dirty. I'll wear it dirty. And I wear it dirty. You like it dirty. And I wear it dirty. You like it the way I'm dirty. Yeah. So, um... What else is in the news?

What else is in the news? Racism? Yeah. So that thing about Eddie Maguire. Yeah. Saying, trying to make a joke. he was trying to make a joke and i think he was trying to make a joke about like an imagine how awful it would be if somebody did this do you think that's what he was saying he was trying to do like a how bad would this be if somebody did this thing or said this thing? Yeah, I think so.

But you can't do that at all. Like, maybe, I think he could have been going... Because people are racist, right? And so that sounds like the kind of thing that racist people would do. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's what he was trying to do. And he just expressed it super poorly.

But also he hasn't established himself in the community as that kind of character comedian who does the imagine how awful it would be if I said this kind of comedy. Yeah, he's involved in the kind of character thing of a sport, which is known for being more bigoted a lot of the time. Actually, it was in a week that was celebrating... Inclusivity. Inclusivity, and they have to do that because there's... Comedy's all about timing.

Yeah. And he got it wrong. There was a few rules of comedy that he broke there. Yeah, there were. First of all... They're your comedian. Context. Yeah.

Context. Do it in timing. Yeah. His delivery wasn't great. He didn't express himself all that well either. Yeah. I think he went over his five minutes. Yeah, I would say so. Probably got the light. I'm not sure if he's blamed the audience. I think he probably has. Yeah? Yeah, blamed blame the audience Yeah, wouldn't be surprised

Wouldn't be at all surprised Yeah You know, when you're making jokes like that That's what you've got to understand Is that you've got to pay You've got to accept that there's risks involved With every kind of joke And you've got to be ready to accept the consequences

If he'd been doing a character It would have been okay Yeah Yeah, I reckon Yeah Because he'd just blame the character Do you think that you could say That he could come out and say that he was doing a character who just happened to be exactly the same as him in every regard except for the character

said that thing? Or he could say that he's been doing a character all along. This entire time. And that this whole thing has been a joke. Like, doesn't that seem weird to you guys? and that this whole thing has been a joke. Doesn't that seem weird to you guys? Somebody who would both own a football club and be on a TV show called Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? He's a character.

It's a character. He's like the Mr. Burns of Melbourne. Really rich. Eddie everywhere. He's just doing everything. He's popping up all over the place. It's a joke, guys. Anyway, I'm Eddie Mac...

Gwire. Gwire. That's my name. Anyway, I'm going to stop doing the character now. No, all right. I'm glad that you guys have finally realised that this has been a big joke. Do you think a character could get elected to parliament do you think you could be doing a character and everyone knows that you're doing a character but the character gets

elected to parliament maybe even an existing character like alf from neighbors or home and away or wherever alf's from um do you think that you could run for parliament in character? Discuss. I think, to a certain extent, probably no. But I would like to say yes, because I think that's, like, in terms of popularity and things like that, you'd probably get the kids on board. Kids love a character. Kids love a joke. Because that's what the internet's all about, right?

It's all about the lols. It is. I think so. I think there's definitely a sketch in someone running for parliament as a character. Like a, yeah, maybe an existing character. Could be Norman Gunston. Yeah, something like that. Yeah.

But I think the sketch would be the person out of character talking about it. Yeah. And then every time they appear in public, they're as the character. And they try and make the decisions that that character would make. What if something horrible happened to Tony Abbott, right? Right. God forbid. God forbid.

And then he couldn't... He could no longer lead the party. Right. So they got a Tony Abbott impersonator. No, no. So they got a Julia Gillard impersonator to come up against her. People are always talking about the real Julia.

Who's the real Julia? Yeah. When are we going to see the real Julia? And they don't like... Maybe they don't like Julia Gillard. Yeah. Who's the real Julia? Yeah, and... When are we going to say the real Julia? And they don't like... Maybe they don't like Julia Gillard. Yeah. So somebody who's definitely not Julia Gillard or somebody pretending to be Julia Gillard.

Yeah, yeah. Right? So... Julia versus fake Julia. Yeah. And... I don't know what happens yet. Um...

Do they have a fight? I don't know what happens yet. Do they have a fight? This is where that sketch is going to go. I think there's the concept there. I think that's fine. I think you could say, yeah, do that. Julia Gillard impersonator running for parliament.

Against Julia Gillard? Yeah. Okay. My fellow Australians. You want to be that? Well, I could. Oh, are we saying that a man couldn't, a man pretending to be a woman couldn't be prime minister? I'm not saying that, no.

I'm saying you probably couldn't be the leader of the Liberal Party. I know, but the Liberal Party both has a leader who then, who first of all is mocking the leader of the opposition, of the Labour Party. Okay, so people don't like Julia Gillard so much that someone being a mockery of Julia Gillard could actually be elected instead of Julia Gillard. Is that what we're saying? And plus, people in the Liberal Party are the people who are most likely to find a man in a dress hilarious. Good.

And also, they get to start appealing to some of the minorities, which they don't normally. First of all, women. Good. Transgender. Yeah. And possibly, you know,

the gay and lesbian community. Maybe not all of them, but the ones who maybe like people who dress in other clothing. Sure. They could make the Julia Gillard character a lesbian. Oh my God. That's great. That is great, isn't it?

And they could make her Asian as well. He could be an Asian man pretending to be... And we could do interviews with people on the street saying, well, speaking as a lesbian woman, I find it offensive that they're doing an impersonation of a lesbian, especially such a stereotypical one. But at the same time, I do feel like having a lesbian in power, even if it is a fake one,

is still a step in the right direction. Yeah. And... Yeah. I just feel... I still feel at least more represented than I was before. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, alright.

This is a... Wow. Fake Julia Gillard. Fake Julia Gillard. Fake Julia Gillard. Leader of the opposition. Of opposition. This is the most fun part of our podcast, I think, for everyone.

I've probably commented on this before. But the bit where Al slowly summarises the bit that we just... Asian man. Yeah, and didn't I say that before? Oh, maybe. I wasn't listening. I thought that's how they could get all the minorities. All of them. Well, you know what I mean, because... Is there a thing where, like, I think minorities...

Careful, Al. Yes. minorities... Careful, Al. Yes. Careful. Careful, steady. You know, in the way that, like, there's often, like, guys who are Sri Lankan who grew up in Australia who are really into hip-hop, right? Yeah. And a lot of the time was because they related to hip-hop because they were like... Outsiders.

They were outsiders. It was being a minority and things like that. So I think there's a certain thing that brings minorities together and that they all have the same minority plight thing. Yeah. In the not being white. Yeah. Possibly. Possibly in our minds. Yeah. white. Yeah. Possibly. Anyway.

Possibly in our minds. Yeah. No... Yeah. Alright. I don't know about it. But, but, but... It's still funny.

It's... Oh. Yeah. Yeah. I think we get it. Woman. I think we can move on. She pretends to be a lesbian.

Even though, yeah, I feel like even a mockery of everything I believe in still in some way represents me. Still represents me better than the Liberal Party was not even acknowledging me really before. Better than both the Labour Party and the Liberal Party at the moment. The mockery party. See, so sometimes an idea is just not complex enough. Yeah. Until... It just needs more layers.

It just needs way more layers. Sorry. No, it's fine. I was just picturing what that person would look like. This guy dressed as Julia pretending to be a lesbian. Yeah. Because something unfortunate had to happen to Tony Abbott. God forbid.

God forbid. God forbid. Something awful. God, who I believe in. Who I definitely believe in. Maybe all the gods that I would believe in if they were the current going thing. Praying for people is funny. But I don't want to talk about religion anymore.

Yeah, cool. Forget that. Chocolate. That's good. Old El Paso. Where did that come from? Old El Paso. Like, is that American?

Because I think El Paso is like... El Paso, I think it might be in Texas. I don't know. I liked it like... Because that part of America, I think, used to be Mexico. Texas? Yeah, I think so. Was in Mexico.

I think, or California and all that, or maybe... Where's Texas? It's down the bottom. Yeah, and then there's New Mexico. I think, or California and all that? Or maybe, where's Texas? Is Texas down the bottom? It's down the bottom, yeah. And then there's New Mexico. I don't know what the deal is with that. Is California right on the border? Or is that, where's Texas down on the border? I think Texas might be on the border.

I really don't know. This is terrible, isn't it? Look, we don't know anything about the structure. People make fun of Americans for not knowing where anything is in the world. But everybody else in the world doesn't know about the geography of America. Yeah, so... So the joke's on everybody else. The joke's on everybody.

Yeah. Absolutely everybody is a joke. A pathetic joke. Plus, they probably know more about... War. There you go. Than most people. Calling places like

New Mexico and stuff that's kind of funny yeah New Mexico that old Mexico is all rubbish New New Zealand I actually think

that a sketch has been done to that effect to the New New Zealand no just like how it's funny to call something New South Wales and that sort of thing

like because it reminds you of South Wales what if's funny to call something New South Wales and that sort of thing. Because it reminds you of South Wales. What if you were to call, let's say we create a new place called New South Wales. Yeah. And then we just changed New South Wales to Old South Wales. Right. So that way you could still have a new place called New South Wales. And then it would benefit from the publicity that it's already had from the history of New South Wales.

Yeah. Okay, so if New South Wales, for whatever reason, forgets to re-register their trademark of New South Wales, we buy it out. We buy it out. We register it. Yeah. Maybe we could call the ACT New South Wales. Yeah. Maybe we could call the ACT in New South Wales.

If, like, one state goes in and registers another state's name. So, well, you can't be called that anymore. And you know what would be great? Is that people would be outraged. Some people. Like, I could just imagine some people who would just be like, It's our name! It's our name!

It's our name! Our state! Names. Like, who gives a shit about your name? Yeah. If somebody wanted me to change my name, I probably would. I do. Eh?

I do want you to change your name. What do you want me to change my name to? Uh, Lionel. DeBerg. Lionel DeBerg. Lionel DeBerg. Yeah. I wonder how different my life would be if my name was Lionel DeBerg. So different. You think so? Oh my god, it would be unimaginably different.

I think I'd have to dress differently. Yeah. Yeah. You'd have to wear more suit jackets. Yeah. Maybe I'd have to wear a fedora. You'd almost certainly have to drive like an old Mercedes. And do you think with a fedora on and like a little feather in it?

Yes. What is Lionel de Burgh's job? What do you think he does? Do you think he sells antiques or? Yeah, he could definitely, or like, or something about like values homes. Ah, yes. Yeah, he's a valuer. Yeah. But he does it mostly in the country.

Yeah. Yeah, and all the state houses. And he drives around staying in bed and breakfasts. Definitely. And he's never been with a woman. And he has regular dairy, milk, and tea, and coffee. Yeah. And one sugar. He has no hair on his ass.

This is still you. It's just a different name. Yeah. But I have hair on my ass. Okay. So does that mean Lionel gets his ass waxed? Oh, he'll have to. I'll have to just to fit my personality.

But then eventually he meets a woman. Oh. She's got two kids, and she's really young, like 19 or something like that two kids and he's about 40 yep and he becomes that creepy guy who like has a 19 year old girlfriend and he's 40. I was a guy anyway what is with those guys who are like 36 and they're with like 20 year old girls. I don't know but love is love it's not, it's got nothing to do with love

love just transcends all boundaries and it's beautiful it's a beautiful thing that he is able to find it in his heart to love this young woman despite the fact that she's so young

so many generations away that he could hardly relate to her at all on any kind of intellectual level and it's it's amazing that he allowed that he still overcomes those boundaries to be with this really young woman with her young body yeah initially it was difficult for me because she's so young and she's got such a young body. And that was hard for me to get past. But we worked through it.

We went to a lot of counselling just to help work through those issues. It goes the other way where he's like, it was very easy at the beginning because we got along so well because she has such a young body. And that was really appealing to me. But we had to go through a lot of counseling

in order to get along with each other mentally. But it was worth it. But it was worth it. But it was worth it because of her young body. Oh, that's gross. Maybe that's grosser. Maybe the other way. I think the other way is... Yeah, it's funnier.

Yeah, it's funnier. Who's talking about how it was difficult for him to get along with her because... I mean, intellectually, we could really relate to each other. Yeah, we have so much in common. And we felt like we were just in such a similar place mentally. In a way, it was like she was an old person trapped in a young person's body. Or at least in a young person's car. No, wait.

It was just something about turning 36 that made me really want to start going to like 18th and 21st. And I love just, I just have so much energy and I just like to stay out till four or five in the morning. He does. He does. I mean, he can't get up in the morning, but he does. Yeah. And I just, uh, just uh and i just the idea of just going and doing a bachelor's degree that's what really appealed to me when i was 36 because i was already 15 years into my career as a photographer and then we met and and i remember looking at her and i thought there's no way i'd ever wind up with someone that young with such a young body. Because, you know, that doesn't interest me at all.

It's just physically we're so incompatible. Because I've got a 36-year-old body, which is, you know, starting to decompose. And, you know, my metabolism is dropping and I'm sort of getting bitch tits. But somehow, with the counseling, there are techniques these days with psychology, which I've learned about through attending some of her psychology lectures, first-year psychology lectures. And it's totally been worth it.

It's been worth it. The work, all the work that we've done has been worth it. And now we're able to share so much. We're able to be physically intimate, which I didn't think we were ever going to be able to manage because of the young body thing. I don't know i just mentioned that the pleasure of how intertwined our souls and minds were i didn't think we would ever be able to overcome that with almost it's not necessary almost physical

contact isn't required like i would have been happy for it to be just a purely intellectual relationship but recently we've found a way. I've only just managed to start... She wanted it. It was important to her that we take it to the next level, a physical level. And I think that's good. 36-year-old.

Yep. With... Finding a way... To love. To make it work physically. Well done, sir. I take my hat off to you. And could you interview other couples,

saying just how proud they are of them, that they were able to make it work? Yeah. I mean, he had so much baggage. Yeah. Yet he was still able to make it work. He left his wife, who was the same age as him and who had an appropriately aged body, and that must have been very difficult. But I guess he just knew what...

He was so brave to leave his wife like that. I know. And he gave you the wife and she says, Look, initially I was upset, but then when I saw how much work he was prepared to do in order to be with this young woman, I mean, that man, I just didn't know he had it in him to be so strong and gutsy and brave. I don't think hero is too big a word to use. I respect him. I respect his choices. And above all, I respect his love.

And I just... I think that the 20 years that we spent together since high school, for him to find something so good makes it all worth it i don't think we were able to achieve that much in our relationship together but he found something truly special it's it's just so ironic that that should come in the body of a 19 year old girl so unlikely so the most the last place the last place you would think you'd find a meaningful relationship between a 36 year old with 36 year old but he managed to find

find it women just mature so much quicker than men. Just so much more mature. And, um... Do you think that's a... Sorry, I know that I'm breaking the bit now, which... That's fine. But, like, that's... It's been going on for a while.

That's a thing, right? So they always say that, that women mature so much quicker than men. But do you think that's just a justification that they say? Because they were naively tricked into having a relationship with an older man. Like, that makes you feel

like you've done something good. Like, to say, oh, well, it's because we're more mature. Yeah. Yeah, or you were tricked by an older man. Who told you you were so mature. And, yeah, the thing about women maturing so much faster, I'm sure it's a thing that older guys came up with to tell younger women. Oh, I don't know.

Anyway, I have to go. Yeah? Yeah. Well, we just hit five anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so here's the five. The seven habitats of highly effective people. Yep.

All-you-can-stand buffet. And then there's just the guys writing... Religion as a Computer Program. Yeah, a computer program. Fake Julia Gillard, leader of the opposition, is an Asian man dressed as a woman, as Julia, and she pretends to also be a lesbian. She's running against each other.

And number five is 36 year old man Finding a way to make it work physically With a 20 year old woman Alright Thanks for listening, guys. You're the best. It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything.

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