Two In The Think Tank - 110 - "POST APOCALYPTIC KRIS KRINGLE"

Episode Date: December 19, 2017

PAKK, Be Prepared (For Eating), I Don't Reveal My Human Resources, What About List, Frantric Sex, Warlock Sex Guru You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!) Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family  You can find us on twitter at @twointank Andy Matthews: @stupidoldandy Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb And you can find us on the Facebook right here Blessings to George Matthews for returning to produce this one. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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this podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network visit PlanetB casting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding little bit more of a guy, and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy, and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy, and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy, and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy, and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy, and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy, and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy,

and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy, and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy, and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy, and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy, and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy, and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy, and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy, and I'm going to be a little bit more of a guy, if somebody knows your full true name, they have power over you in some way. I suppose they could, when they're angry with you, they could sort of use your full name and you would feel a little bit in trouble. Feel in trouble, and also I guess they can sign you up

for some kind of like middle name. Service. Club. Order pizza to your house with your full name. Oh, that would be, yeah, I guess just using Andy Matthews wouldn't be enough. Mm. Yeah. But if they come there and they've got your middle name, it's official. Mm. It's legally boring.

Should I tell people your birthday? No, actually quite lucky I need it. I am not 100% sure. So. Alistair, I'm also unsure about when your birthday is. That's really good. So, look, I think we don't need to do that because, you know, it occurred to me the other day. Guys, don't really buy each other presents that much. No. No. Like, I guess when you're children, right? Yeah, but that's still your parents doing it. Oh, definitely, no question.

Yeah. And like, yeah, it's your parents and then you realize that you don't need to buy people presents. That's right. And look, there's not that much that I actually believe that there's a gender divide, right? But come on, I don't need a present.

At the moment, I'm having so much trouble for, you know, like you get yourself into a Chris Cringle in a family Chris Cringle, so that you're not buying presents for everybody, and also not everybody's buying presents for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't think of one thing that I want for myself, that is under $50 to tell them

so that they can just buy it for me. Why? Because I don't... What would you want? What could we possibly... What is there that I'd like to... And like the one? Let's be realistic, right? What are the things that in a modern first world country that somebody doesn't already have that you can get them? For less than like $10,000.

Yeah. Right? T2. You can go get them some fancy T from T2. Fancy T. But T2, you can buy them a small trip to the second biggest mountain. A2, you can get them a large sheet of paper. B2, you can get them one of the-

For the bananas and pajamas. For the banana, for jubbers. And- Z2, you can get them a BMW convertible roaster. And that is everything. That is everything. And yeah, there's no point pretending that there's anything we want, because we don't actually even know things that we listed.

People don't really want those things. I think we say we want those things. Well, I mean, I think, yeah, I think maybe in a post-apocalyptic kind of scenario, the roadster would be useful until it runs out of petrol. Right. And then after that, after you eat the rope, after you've eaten all the rubber to survive, but beyond that, what are you going to do? Sal Scrap Metal, yes.

What about this, Elastair? It's a post-apocalyptic Chris Cringle. Okay. Right, so, you know, it's, you know, like with Chris Cringle, you have like, you know, less than $12 or whatever the limit is, right? This one, it's anything that you can get without having to murder one,

more than one person, or walk 50 miles. Yeah, and it's a good, and it's a good idea as well, because we're like, look, not everybody is going to have the strength to get more, to get more than one president. Yeah, also, there just aren't that many objects left. Turns out that the apocalypse destroyed most objects. Yeah, that's right. So, you know, we have sort of, you know, we have thick air, where, you know, a lot of the things that burned are kind of, I guess they still kind of are with us, I guess, in the air and in our luggage. In it, yeah, vapor form.

Vapor form. And... You know, you open your little packet and you'd be like, oh, it's a seven human hand. I already have one of these, but I don't want to say anything. I already got several. Totally, I guess you'd put it in your sort of salt bag where you kind of keep all your meat.

You're sort of random meat to go, oh, look, I'm not sure if I'm going to get through this. I think, you know, because you can't tell how diseased it is. Whether or not it's preserved doesn't matter. It's like, if it has the gray plague, which is going around, but you keep it. Or screaming warts. Screaming warts is, oh my god. Imagine if you walked around and this is just so suddenly wars they were just going yeah cuz like it's bad enough to have

a disease that's unsightly but to have a disease that's unheardly unlistingly yeah that's wow look I think that there's a post-apocalyptic crit cringles good I mean as soon as you named it we knew that it was a sketch idea that's Wow. Look, I think that there's, um, post-apocalyptic Chris Kringle, good. I mean, as soon as you named it, we knew that it was a sketch idea. That's how you know. I gave it its full name as well, which means we have power over it.

Is there something in like the, okay, I know we talk about cannibalism, a disturbingly large amount. Doing? Yes. Okay. Every second sketch out of the stair is an eating your fellow man sketch. Sure.

But you know how like you're in a desperate situation, right? Your plane's crashed on a deserted island. There's a few survivors, right? And obviously, eating people is a last resort, right? Yeah. But before you get to the last resort, right, there'd be a period in which like it just would be prudent to prepare for the fact that you're going to get to the last resort, right? Like you can see where things are going. Sure. You're not at the point of eating people yet, right? But you are at the point of realizing that you're going to get to the point of eating people.

Yeah. You want to be honest with each other? Well, or at least with yourself. With yourself. And you just want to be prepared for that, right? So like, would you at that point start to, you know, without, you're not ready to eat people. You're not going to eat people, right?

But would you start to lay the groundwork such that when you are ready to eat people, it's a bit more pleasant, it's a bit, you know, there I say even enjoyable, because why can't, like, you're doing the unthinkable, but why can't you just have a nice time and this could be one of your last Actions ever you know one of your exactly right so why not have a bit of fun with it right so you know You see see where things are going why not encourage people to rub coconut oil into their skin sure Yeah, I see yeah, yeah Get them to lay on a fire

sure Yeah, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, get them to lay on a fire. Sure. No, but I mean, you know, if they were laying on a fire, not like, not a really hot fire. Right. Okay, sure. Like one that, you know, in a week or so, they would be so tender and dreamy. This is interesting. So it's like a slow cook thing, okay? Because, you know, those slow cooked meals, right? Mm.

If they're a nightmare because, say you want to cook some silver side, right? You've got to put it in the crock pot, like 12 hours before or whatever. Nobody ever thinks that far ahead, right? But, you know, and, because you're not hungry now, right? You're gonna want that food later on

so you want it in a short period of time. Mm-hmm. So on this desert island, you're not at the desperate point of eating human flesh right now. But if you're smart about me thinking ahead, you'll get your friend Alex to lay down onto the smoldering coals today so that in a week's time when you are ready to eat flesh, it'll be ready.

Yeah, maybe like, you know, it'll be hard to convince him to lay into like a fire, but if let's say while he was out looking for berries or something like that, you sort of built the sand up a little bit around his tent, you know, or his sort of, his lodging of some sort, his wood plank like that. Maybe you've started, you've sort of built and smoldered a kind of a fire underneath him. So that there's kind of one of those ones that's kind of just, just like a hungy,

like a sort of an underground oven that's sort of slowly cooked. So that while when he goes to bed, he thinks it's warm, but it's a desert island. Right. Everything's warm. Everything's warm, right? So he's slowly kind of just cooking,

and I guess that's probably bringing the juices out. I think that's something you want, in both lovers and in meets and in friends. And in a juicer? In a juicer? Yeah, absolutely. You want that to bring the juicers out. Or just one juice.

Or maybe a waiter at a children's birth, okay? Yep, or? Yes. I guess the bay lift at an OJ Simpson trial. Thank you Andy, because I didn't, I liked that he's bringing more than one. I know, it really is an OJ Simpson's trial. Yeah, well that's right.

I mean, imagine if it was, it's the movie Attack of the Clones. Yes. But the clones are clones of OJ Simpson. And it's not an attack, it's a trial. It's a trial. Well, it's an attack that led to a trial. Do you think that we could get justice on OJ Simpson if we cloned him and then put the clone up for trial?

Because you can't try the same person for the same crime twice. But you can try their clone. Well, it's not technically the same person. Hmm, that's true. Yeah, and also, but then the same person is still just getting away with. Right. I mean, that seems like a real easy way out of. It's hard to argue that justice has been done. Yeah. If you've just got somebody who looks a lot like a person, and put this in prison. I guess it's still being served. Right.

You're serving justice. Yes. But the person who committed the crime isn't being served. It's not being served to the person who ordered it. That's right. And, you know, juice is being served if I just bring out like a random tropical juice and take it to any person in the restaurant.

But to actually get it to the right person, that does require listening to their order, remembering their face, and then delivering it to them. Can we have whatever this ends up being, can the tagline for the cop show Can we have whatever this ends up being? Can the tagline for the cop show that's somehow connected to it be? They don't serve justice, they deliver it, right? And it's like a delivery room.

It's a delivery room, but for justice. What's in there sort of their bag that keeps the food warm? A seven head family member. Yeah, it's harsh justice. I mean, I think the idea that even mobs and things like that are finding ways around sort of labor laws so that they have to have. The gig economy. It's the gig economy.

It's the gig economy. They don't want to have to pay the- Because I think when you get a mobster in to your crime gang, they kind of become a part of your family. I assume you have to pay them, I guess pretty well, right? What, like how do you get paid?

What is the price? This is a Fortnightly, what is it? Is it just kind of- Bank deposit or is it- Just random cash in the hand? Yeah, the Fortnightly? What is it, direct? Is it just kind of a bank deposit or is it? Just random cash in the hand? Yeah, random cash in the hand system. Under the table, under the table? I guess that's the value of having a legitimate front

is that to launder your money through because then payroll, it's payroll. And in a way for you as the sort of the crime underling. Yes. There is some security. It's the security. Yeah. And that you're still within the system, even though the money's coming from a darkened dank place. Yeah, darkened dank. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. you smile faded. You. I had a snow, did I have a bit of a snow? Well, kind of, but it wasn't on purpose,

but it was just a part of your lip, started to curl under your lip. You stood. And it was really great. Yeah, that is great. I have the audience because much out of it as really great. Yeah, that is great. I hope the audio's got as much out of it as you did. You know that thing when you dry all your top teeth, you dry all your top teeth so that you can make it look like a chipmunk.

Well, you were getting a half chipmunk. You've gotten really serious about this, Andy. And I am positive. No, I'm trying to move on because I don't want us to lose the actual sketch momentum here. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. We had a few things. Is there something that can be done with like mobster HR, right? Where there is like a system,

quite like a structured system of human resources within a gangland organization, right? That while still entirely being based around like beatings and extortion and thuggery and murder still has the sort of the essential framework of the of a traditional HR procedure, right? So that, like, the equivalence of complaint procedures and quarterly reviews and self-assessments and that sort of thing.

I guess a lot of the most successful crime families would have that. And I think you both need even more mediation than a regular office because it is family. Right. And things can get murky. Things can get murky. People can get emotional.

They have a long history together. You're fighting about something. You're not really fighting about cutting off Johnny three fingers. Three fingers. Third finger. Third finger. What you're arguing about is that Marcus you know, Marcus got more Christmas presents than you in 1996.

That's right. He was hugged more in the child. Yeah. And that's why having these structures and having Janine take responsibility for HR is going to give us all the certainty and the comfort to be able to bring things forward to, you know, anything that's on our minds. Because we recognize that within any organization, the greatest value is your people. Yeah, absolutely.

Is the knowledge that's embodied in those people. We don't want to lose people. We think retaining talent is crucial to the success of the Nosferatu gang. Yeah, the Nosferatu gang. Is there a gang that's based on the vampire? Yes. Yeah, great. Yeah, no, they're actually is. They're actually is?

No. Great. So look, I've already written down mobster HR. Right. Because I think that's good. And I think the idea, and I think this could still just be tied in within this. But the idea of having that kind of business structure, but then also, you know, obviously being a little bit tired with having to,

to kill sort of low-end henchmen that see too much, and but you can't trust enough and things like that. So developing an app, which is like a gig economy kind of delivering. I think we might have already done Uber for Hitmen on the podcast. It rings a bell to me. Well, this will be similar, but in that you are just getting a guy on a bike, maybe dressed up in turquoise or something like that, comes into a house. They hand them a little paper bag and in it is a severed head or something and they get

them to deliver the justice to, you know, Big Bird Charlie, who lives across town. And that way you never, because they never know anything really, these people, they're just, you know, they're just responding to signals. Well, and also it's kind of like Uber, right, is, it's, well, when it started in Victoria, it was technically illegal. Yeah. Right. But it's so popular, it's so convenient that the government sort of turns, turns a blind eye and we don't want to prosecute

the individual people driving the ubers and that sort of thing because that's all a bit murky. And then with time, the Uber organization is able to bring political sway and influence and it's legalized. So I think that this sort of thing could just start up and, you know, of course, yeah. It's just, it's just a platform, you know, and the individual things that happen on the platform aren't necessarily the responsibility. Yeah, and I think it'll be able to flounder the radar for a long time, especially people are just delivering toes and sort of things like that.

I think it's when you get, you know, when you get into some more torso-y kind of legs and things like that, that it kind of gets more, or, you know, or the heads of sort of other animals, you know, I think that's the problem. Is that I think once you're on a bike and you need one of those sort of like kid trolley so you can deliver a horse's head or a horse's two front legs or something. You've got like a moose antlers stuck to your back.

Yeah, exactly. I think then people will start to notice but as long as you keep it to sort of low end limbs, I'm gonna get talking to your toes, I'm talking, you know, just all the hair off somebody's back. Yeah. Which hair is kind of like a limb, right? It's just a... I'm going to talk on your toes, I'm just all the hair off somebody's back. Which hair is kind of like a limb, right? It's just a...

It's just like a lot of very immobile. Limits. Limits. Limits. This is mostly a panellist yet, but Revenge is the dish best served cold. So I think that whoever is delivering the heads would have to have like chilled backpacks or something. So that your revenge will be delivered cold

or your money's back. That's good, because I mean, that would be the opposite to a lot of these delivery companies that actually do deliver your stuff cold. Yes. But you don't want it. Right. I mean, I guess you could just either use the same system

or maybe people are complaining that the heads are arriving lukewarm. Is it not? No, don't. I think I was just about to invent taxis. Yeah. I was like, easily yes. You know how you can get food from a restaurant

delivered to your house? What about something that delivers you to the restaurant? Yeah. That's good. delivered to your house. What about something that delivers you to the restaurant? Yeah, that's good. Look. I did that once when I was, you know, I was like, I was taking a bath and I was enjoying like using your bucket to sort of like pour the water over me.

And I was like, oh, be great if there was just a system. Oh! For delivering the water so it's always pouring over me. And then I invented the shower. And you've gone on to make a lot of money from that. Do you think anyone's pint in the shower? Do you think it's too light for us to patent the shower? I think, yeah, I think it's kind of like

one of those things like happy birthday, like they, nobody had thought of doing it until. Do you think, what about, what, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, what, touching, touching your own, um, arm, arm, yeah, or is it? Yeah, yeah, I don't know if anybody is painted that. Is that, is that copy right at there? Yeah. Yeah. What about like, having keeping your nostrils open? Is that, is that something? Is that something that we... Can we patent that? Is that... I think...

Keeping your nostrils open.com, is that a domain name that's available? I mean, I guess you could... You could just go into a patent office. Yeah. Just to suddenly... Just to suddenly... Yeah, you could just go... What about...

And just sit with the... Like, you know, that's their job. They've got to sit through this. You can go get the lawyer here, because you're going to be asking him a lot of questions too. What about ordering fish and then remembering that you're a vegetarian? Is that something?

Is that, is that patented? Can I do that? Yeah, but I think people are trying to actively avoid that. Oh, right. What about, I think, could you then go into the patent office and go, look, I want to patent something that everybody does, but nobody's thought about patenting and that people will have to pay me

when they do that thing normally in their lives. Well, what is it, here's an even better idea. Go into the patent office and say, I would like to patent the idea of patenting something that people do in their regular lives. Oh, see that's correct. And then whenever somebody comes in to paint in one of those things, they're actually infringing

on your patent. That's nice. And they have to pay for you. They have to pay every time they do it. Yeah. And then hopefully every time, I think maybe if you also, if you also pay the idea of getting paid by people for doing that, then every time they get paid,

you get paid. Yes. You know, that's nice. That's not sketched, though, is it? Oh, I mean, I think somebody just listing stuff at the paint office, I find quite funny. Yeah. I, you know, I imagine the character would be played by you, LSD.

You think so? Yeah, I imagine they're, you know, a little bit dim-witted. But I'll see if I can dim-witted, but... I'll see if I can get that character down, but I'll try. Right. Sure. I was just, my head was just going to a weird place where I couldn't figure out,

I was just saying, right, this is not even what we're saying, but... This is the most exciting. In my mind, I was driving on the left side, that left side of the road in my mind, and I couldn't figure out how you turn right. Just then I was like, my brain was thinking about that, and I couldn't figure out how you can turn right when you drive on the left hand side of the road. Elis, dear, well, that is an incredible. Yeah. But not only that you were so far off

that what the topic of conversation was, like in your head, but. Yeah, all right. So anyway, I think I can play that dim-witted character you were referring to. Correct. It seems that you were already deep in it. What was the patent that we were trying to refer to when we started going to this patent office? It was something to the

shower. Oh yeah, patent in the shower, patent in the air. Yeah, okay, so like this guy goes in, you know, it's like, so it's all he's doing is he's just going into, like, so this guy goes in, you know, so all he's doing is just going until he finds something that hasn't been patented. Yeah. And then he goes, yeah, that. Yeah, that, I'll invent that. No. Well, it's a bit like the stapler.

And then the person will be like, well, that'll be $500, he's like, no, no, forget it. Can I collect some of the money that I'll get having this patent now? Can I get an advance? Can I patent the idea of not having $500? Yes, that'll be $500. Look, this is right at town. Yeah, sure. Now, his is his is a thing that

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by new customer surveyed, who saved with progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary, discounts not available in all safe and situations. There's an idea that seems like it could be quite us, Alistair. So you know how there's tantric sex, right? And I realized this isn't very topical. You know, I realized tantric sex as a comic device

was probably peaked in the early 90s when sting was doing it. And it was all very now and in, right? And then you did the second American prime movie, I think? Did they? I think so. The guy who had sex with Stiffler's Mom. He became a tantric sex guy. Yeah, was he the nerdy one or something?

No, no, you're thinking of the Shermanator. Oh, right. He ended up with Shannon Elizabeth. Yeah, that's right, yeah. Yeah, that's right, yeah. Um, but just and look, tell me if this is just too stupid I'll just, just tantric other things, right? Yeah. So like tantric, eating a sandwich or tantric.

You're going to hate this Andy, but tantra is a philosophy that doesn't involve just sex. I think it is about the enjoyment of things and being within... Wow! ...in the moment that it is a whole philosophy. And so, the idea of tantric eating a sandwich is very much a core phenomenon within a tantra, I believe. Okay. But I think it's also mostly like you just get people over to your house, so you can have sex a core phenomenon within a tantra, I believe. But I think it's also mostly,

like you just get people over to your house so you can have sex with them so you can teach them about tantra. Yeah. Anyway, for a really long time. For a really long time, yeah. What? It feels like a scan.

Look, I think anything where you're ending up running like one-on-one classes or like classes with couples or a few people, you know, I don't want to say that they're all just schemes to end up having sex with people's girlfriends. But I think in a lot of, you know, magic, I think in like people who believe in real magic, you know, and they get like some guy who claims to be a warlock over to their house to teach them. It's just some pervert. It's just a guy who's gonna try and have sex with your girlfriend. I mean, you've literally welcomed some demon into your house or a guy who claims, you know, who has some connections to demons into your house.

And then he'll, I guess, put the moves on your girlfriend. I guess that's the real magic trick. That is, yeah. Oh, look, I made... No. All right, there's nothing. You just want to say some awful thing. I didn't really, like, there was no parts of the head that I felt comfortable

walking down, I lost it. No part of the head, you could walk down. No parts of the head, or the all part of my head. Right, what about this? It's the opposite of Tantric Sex. It's a guy who's running courses in Frantric Sex. Frantric Sex? No, Frantric.

Frantric Sex, yeah, great. And it's over real quick. Yeah. It's like, I am. Like that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you all have a lot of coffee and you put on some really, really sort of, put on some coffee. I don't know, you have a lot of coffee. Put on some drum and bass. Yeah, or mariachi music. That'd be great. And then I guess it would be over very quick. And then he's like, you guys want to play some video again?

Andy, I do actually like that a lot. Yeah. I think the idea of, first of all, I think I've started becoming think I think the idea of of such in first of all the I think I think I've started becoming in in love with the idea of these informal courses where It's something that you respond to either in a newslett like you know, it's a classified in a newsletter Or it's pinned up in a cafe on a wall a little bit of a cafe. It's it's on one like it's on your You know like a gum tree or a craigslist kind of scenario, things like that. Places where, you know, that's not where you should be meeting people and learning things from. People who know things don't advertise things there, I don't think.

Yes. I think, yeah, I think maybe it's like it's learning outside of any kind of official structural context, you know. Like there's no school involved, there's no third party building, right, you're just going to somebody's house and, you know, and then they're teaching you something. It's a real, real basic little thing for that now, and it's not even as good as barely even a still image, but it's a sign like that with the little tear-off strips at the bottom with phone numbers, and it's stuck to a pole or it's in a cafe or something and it just says digital marketing and search engine optimization course, call Dave, it's got his phone number down the

bottom. I say that's really good. So it wasn't clear to me why that was. So I thought I really thought it was just funny that I was advertising was advertising that Well, then it is yeah, oh that was the joke. Yeah, I know but but then the fact that he's not using I think the people who really would need the those those courses People who aren't that is interesting. Yeah, you know, I how do you appeal to people who need digital marketing services, but don't know anything about digital marketing?

Skywriting? Yeah, exactly. Because also, you want to keep them away from all the online resources that could help. There's probably about 1,000 top 10 tips, lists on people's blogs who are trying to drive traffic to their ebook or something like that, on on the new things so that would probably be the best way. But is there like a way that we can take that further there and like what's the most like like digital new web thing that could be advertised in that way or like like done in that way. I guess you know, searching an optimization obviously is like the ultimate of

that, but I'm thinking like something to do with cryptocurrency or yeah. Yeah, social media kind of, I'll wait no it like something new. Yeah. But like, so wait, but what is the joke that we're looking for? I don't even know. I've got the tiniest tile edge of it, or something. But like, something like an Instagram influencer, or something, but it doesn't matter. I think I'm just trying to picture like, and I'm taking this back. But it's kind of, I haven't seen. I think I'm just trying to picture like, and I'm taking you just this back.

But it's kind of, I haven't seen any of that Nathan for you, right? But. So we're not copying it. We're not copying it. I mean, we know exactly what it is, and we've watched clips and stuff, and we've seen that.

I've seen more interviews with him on late night talk shows than I have seen of his show. Yeah. I think I saw a preview for the first season where some machine was tied to his pants and it was gonna pull down the thing if he didn't answer a thing in time and expose him to a bunch of kids.

Oh my God. It was gonna commit, he was gonna commit a crime if he didn't get done in time. Oh my God. Yeah. But I think he involves helping people with their businesses. I like the idea of like, I don't know how you would get people to sign up, but sign off on this, but you would, you get people to come to your house for a course.

And it's probably a course in something that you may know nothing about. But it's a couples thing. So at least this is like people people kind of feel safe, at least to a certain extent, they have each other. But you can film it, it's kind of candid, right? But then you're teaching them it's either like a couples therapy thing or it's some weird sex thing. Maybe it's a magic sex thing, right? How to bring magic into your life, actual magic.

Yeah, right. Any of those things. Yeah, and then, I mean, look, I think that would be so much fun to like film these kinds of things where you're, all right, you put an ad, say, become a demon or goddess in the sack using real magic, Warlock, Martin, and Scryl-Holly, I was almost using the name of the

farmer dudes somehow. Farmer bros. Farmer bros, not what I meant to do. Like, so Kevin Gore-Chack will teach you real magic and how to using some. Command the forces of time and space. Yeah. Render, death, obsolete.

And consecrate your very own daggers. Yeah. Yeah. And then do we see him walking around in his robe around the streets, taping these little sides to pop? Yes. He's wearing like a quite a shimmery cape. He's just like, it looks like a normal guy.

And he's charging what like five, 10 bucks a lesser than that? Yeah, I think, you know, like a 15 bucks, 15 bucks an hour. He's not even valuing his own time. Right. And then, and then, and it couples only. Couple. The couples. No, you know, and maybe, maybe there's a thing in there where he's like, look, I don't want, I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm magic that you'd like to do, I mean, I guess you could do that. For the sake of simplicity right now, we could just, we could completely fictionalize this and not have any real people in. And so then you ask people what they want to do. And so they're like, well, well, she's really into fairy.

So we kind of were thinking about like maybe we'd like to Communion with a fairy. Communion with a fairy while, you know, and maybe get her. Like, like she says that we could, she'd be happy to bring a third person into our sort of sexual intercourse, but only if they were a fairy. And so, we're thinking about, see, and find if we could summon a fairy from the here for the seventh dimension of heaven. Yeah, I don't know. I personally find just the idea that this guy is so pathetic, the funniest part of it. And I think it might even be better if he actually, we see that he actually can do magic as

well, like once he gets these people's house or those people get to his house or something, he'll like turn their cat into a frog or something like that or levitate a banana. But then he's only doing it because he's just like, and then he's like, you got any food or cornflakes or anything. Like, I think his thing is, I think his thing is, I've got to pay for my internet.

I think his power needs to be more miraculous than levitation if he does have actual powers. Like I think maybe he can create a sort of like a vortex. Yeah, like a wall, portal of fire. And that maybe he can invite the 11 demons of San Maruchano into build the Slame Lord into back into his original forms. Yeah, all of that I'm totally on board.

But then at the same time he can't work anything out and it's just pathetic. And then all the people find him quite annoying as well, I think. I guess that's the problem is that there's no real world application for this other than sort of like attempting global dominion. Interesting. So now is he like driving an Uber or something? Like is it like one of those people who's got a degree in engineering from the University of Tehran and they come to Australia and now they can't get a job. He is a genuine warlock from Hades and XI, right? And he, but that, it's very hard to get those skills recognized in Australia and now he is just trying to... Well, you know, there's some courses. Yeah, and he said Australia. And now he is just trying to... Well, you know, of course.

Yeah, and he said, you know, he's just, he's back from, you know, he's back from the other side. But he grew up in Mount Ira or something like that. And he, and he's sort of backloving with his parents. And he's just trying to get some money together. Yeah. Because I mean, you know, like outside of, you know,

like the huge effort of trying to globally do global domination, then he's just... his skills have no real-world application other than potentially getting him a little bit of money here and there. Yeah. You know, and obviously he doesn't want to be seen as a national threat. Because he do children's parties. He could do children's parties. Can he summon the Seven Demons to rebuild the slime lord at a at a first-year-old's birthday party. Absolutely. Yeah, I mean, and he can try to bring some of the the lesser terrifying creatures out. Yeah. He could use, you know, a couple of like, you know,

clay golems, but they end up sort of doing battle and sort of, you know, knocking over the table with all the fairy bread and things like that. Yeah, and then he gets in trouble with the the lady of the house, the mother of the first-year-old, and she's not that. Yeah, and then he gets in trouble with the lady of the house, the mother of the first year old, and she's not gonna pay him, and then he just has to go away. And so then that's why now he just kind of sticks to sort of sex, sort of sex magic,

sort of sex spells that you can do, where you can either, you know, maybe just even briefly, you know, see what it's like to be in the pits of hell momentarily. In a sex spell? Is that a sex spell? Well, this one could be. It could be like a fusion spell of some sort where you become a, maybe a... Like a six tentacled squid penis? Yeah, there you go, that can survive in the sort of the fiery waters of, of, of, of, of, of,

Biel's aboths, sort of, you know, bathtub or something like that. I think this guy's definitely a sketch. Have you renamed him? Yeah, I've got Warlock Sex Magic Guru. Yeah, great. I mean, I don't know why to put Magic in Warlock there, but I'm... I think it's good to specify.

And is that an episode? Yeah, absolutely. Did you have another idea you wanted to go to before we... Not really? No. I'm sorry if my enthusiasm for the Warlock... I love it. Yeah, I think he's a good idea. Yeah.

I don't know if I nailed him. Well, I feel like you and I both have slightly different focuses for that character. Will both go away? Will both make the sketch? I'm going to cast you as my warlock. Well, I'm going to cast you as my warlock. Okay, great.

And then we'll force the other one to fill the our vision of the sketch. Great. And then we'll come back and we'll see whoever's as funny as. Okay. But don't you start acting in your vision of the sketch? I'm going to act really badly in your vision of the sketch to make yours less good.

I'm going to act really good in yours to make you feel bad for acting bad in mine. Alex, there I'll take that. Yeah, great. As long as I win the argument. All right. And so you didn't write down any more sketch ideas on your paper? No, I've got the word, Cicifus written down here.

Mm-hmm. You know that video of the, um, the squirrel trying to bury a nut in the fur of a dog? No. Well, it's quite funny. Yeah. Anyway, I wanted to do something with Cicifus in that, but it doesn't matter.

What if Cicifus the ball that he was rolling up was a snow ball and they kept getting bigger? Wow. So that's interesting because really the myth of Cicifus is supposed to teach us about the the hell that is repetition and struggle without ever achieving success. But if the task instead of just being consistently hard and never ending actually became harder and harder and more difficult, yeah. Yeah, well then we got something. I believe we've also in the past how to sketch about the amount of paperwork that Sisypher's had to do, he had to do a whole lot of our H&S stuff beforehand.

And that was the real hell. But I guess the thing with the snowball is that he would also be getting more and more ripped. You know, like, he'd be stronger and stronger. So he'd look good. He'd look good, but also there'd be a feeling of achievement like every time he gets the ball to the top,

even though it rolls back down and gets bigger. He's changing and the sense of achievement is changing. Maybe the dread is also getting larger because it's probably getting bigger and quicker. But also, in that hellscape, I just picture a lot of darkness, a lot of dirt, things like that. But I picture the temperature and the weather to be actually quite nice. It's quite mild, isn't it? Yeah, it's like I picked you to be like,

this is like a nice, like, balmy day. Yeah, if it was humid and sweaty, that would be no good. But if there's snow, if there's snow, then it's, yeah, cause you never picked you up being winter there. So if there's snow, I guess it's cold. Which I guess that would be bad,

but I guess that's not really hell, anyway. Good to chat. Well, I find to watch it roll down. I used to love rolling rocks down hills. Oh, absolutely. It's kid, you roll them down there and some bushes down the bottom and you hear them all go crunch, crunch,

just the big rock rolls into it. In terms of like the difference between him and heaven where you're like you could do anything you want, I think his at the moment seems the more. It's not so bad. Do you ever get terrified about a different life you could have? I never threw rocks off an overpass and passing cars, But you hear stories about kids who do that, right, and kill someone by mistake. And I'm constantly worried that I could have been one

of those kids, even though I wasn't. But I don't see any reason why I wasn't. Like I definitely could have been. I love throwing rocks off things and I didn't understand consequences. And I do love overpasses. And I love overpasses. I think maybe like the key there is to just love spitting off of overpasses.

Right, to love spitting more than you love rocks. Well, I think it fills that void. It fills that rock throwing void. Yeah. Yeah, just something to think about. Yeah, there you go. You know, that's what saved me, I think. Take us through this out. We got post-apocalyptic Chris Cringle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah've just got to get something for one of your, one of your troop.

But, you know, you can't kill more than one person to get it. And, you know, yeah. Because a lot of people don't know the strength to. Yeah. Yeah. And- Not all of us have the strength to mood at 12 men, Alec. Yeah. And then we got preparing a friend for eating them. So this is in a post-apocalyptic kind of scenario where, or a desert island, kind of known as the more

that desert island scenario, sorry. Where look, it's not, it's definitely not come to eating your friends kind of scenario, but it could be coming. And maybe you could be doing something to- It's inevitable, right? You can see it. And I think maybe sort of starting to treat your friend like you would treat a,

like a, like a Kobe cow. Yeah. Well, that's start massaging them a lot, you know, feeding them little bits of beer and sort of. Right. I don't want to eat you, but I probably will have to. Yeah. And there's no reason why I shouldn't enjoy it.

Yeah, exactly. As much as possible, right? Well, I mean, you could even say this to your friend, which is like, look why I shouldn't enjoy it. Yeah, exactly. As much as possible, right? Well, I mean, you could even say this to your friend, which is like, look, I don't think we're ever going to eat each other, but there's a chance that we might have to. So if we give each other's massages, then we're going to marble up the thread in our body. And then if we do ever have to cook each other's meat, you know, that the fat distribution will lead to a better tenderness. And when I say we cook it,

I mean, obviously just sear it on one side and quickly flip it over, sear it on the other side, just to seal in those juices because you don't want it like, if you're gonna eat me, I just don't want you to eat me well done. Yeah, please, come on. Anyway, I don't wanna get narkey about this.

Anyway, okay, so there's that. Then we got the the mobster HR, you know, this obviously has to be some systems in place and probably more so for problem resolutions, but also for these kinds of highly, very hierarchical power based organizations. There's a lot of potential for abuse of power and that's the last thing that we would want. Obviously. Absolutely. And we know that everybody is a little bit on edge and a bit like temperamental and things

like that. So you have all under a lot of pressure, we understand. Absolutely. And so we have to have strong policies and frameworks in place for de-escalation and things like that. This is, you know, obviously, you don't fuck up. But also, we want you to be able to feel the safe enough to be able to make mistakes. Right? Because that's how we learn, that's how creativity happens. But don't fuck up. But don't fuck up. But if you do,

we respect that. We respect that thought. Yeah. We got the paint and office guy who just goes in and just lists things until he finds something that hasn't been done. Yeah. And then we got the frantic sex guru, frantic sex guru, who does my favorite thing, which is invite people over to his house for lessons. And then we got the Warlock sex magic guru, who's a guy who's, guess, genuinely capable of summoning demons, but you know, just can't get it together. It's sort of like, uh, you know,

one of those a clueless movie where there's the woman who can set everyone else up on a date, but can't sort out her own romantic life. Sure. Right. It's like that. It's a guru. It's a demon summoner who can control the forces of time and space and rend reality in his image. Right. It's like that. It's a good. It's a demon summoner who can control the forces of time and space and rent reality in His image. Yeah, but he just can't sort out his own life or get his small business off the ground. Exactly. Exactly. And he's just trying to scrape together just enough money to pay rent. Yeah. Just to get, you know, We're kind of a couple of burritos here and there. All he wants is a couple of burritos here and there. Only once is a couple of burritos here and there. Here and there. Right. If only he could get his demons to deliver him food. But he just can't. He just can't. He can't get no respect from them.

So. I'm gonna put it in the video. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. I was, I had a real good time today, Alistair. Thank you so much for making the podcast. Thank you very much, Andy, for making the podcast. Andy, if you want to find me on the social media, you can go to at Alistair TV. You know what I will. Twitter and also if you want to find me you can find me at Stupid Old Andy on Twitter.

Right. And you can also find us in the at-twin tank. Oh yes. Great. What if I want to donate to our Patreon Alistair? How can I do that? Patreon.com slash 2 in tank. And I will for the next part, I just remembered, but that you can, for $3, you can donate, that's one of the things where you're now, now it's a new option, and then you can send in a three word thing. We've forgotten to do it for the last two podcasts, but it's definitely worth your while and worth your $3. We will use your three words to generate a sketch idea. Yeah, and that will be next week. I will remember it because we're about to record it right now. Don't tell people that, Alice, they're here destroying the timelines.

Okay. And most importantly, we love you. Thank you so much for listening. So, if Islam. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. I mean, if you want, it's up to you. Are you working way too hard for way too little?

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