Two In The Think Tank - 114 - "GLOW IN THE DARK SUN"

Episode Date: January 16, 2018

Oculus Preparum for War, Vlad the Fastidious, Manners Attacks, The One With The Pool Tables, Creative Creatures You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!) Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family  You can find us on twitter at @twointank Andy Matthews: @stupidoldandy Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb And you can find us on the Facebook right here A woven basketful of thanks to George Matthews for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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But I also think that if they could just sit there in the therapy room and just start a beat and just see what comes out. Well, yeah, free styling to see what comes out. Free style therapy. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the podcast where we come up with, oh, you're not, recording yes, I'm sketch ideas

Elastair is the first time that you've ever done the introduction to the podcast and you bail you struggle to get through My name is Alex George William Tromblie virtual and my name is Andy James Matthews and Welcome very much to you and very very much welcome indeed you know I'm gonna I'm gonna give you the full the full welcome the the triple welcome with Pike what does it make me what what thing in regular life has Pike I think well I wouldn't call it regular yes rivers canals but I would say that I think I think could be, I wouldn't call it yes, rivers, canals. No, but. But I would say that I think, I think, could be figure skating.

But I don't know that figure skating really goes into regular life. The truth is, I will say this is a reference that I've absorbed from somebody else's comedy. And now I'm re-gurgitating it into our comedy. Who's comedy? John Clark. Okay. Well, I want to understand that.

Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Let's understand that. Let me tell you, Australian satirist. Okay. Good man. You know, is pike also a medieval weapon? Your pike is a medieval weapon. You could put somebody's head on a pike. Yeah, right. But also, like, the fish itself is quite a long, thin, aggressive looking fish.

Do you think that ever leads to confusion, particularly in a medieval context? Whether it's by a lot of fish and a lot of spears about and a lot of heads that need to be put on things. Yeah, that's possible. That's kind of sounds more like a tribal kind of scenario, maybe a tribe after there's been some kind of medieval apocalypse. Yes. And a kind of, maybe let's say, it's an early apocalypse. This is what the film's called, early apocalypse. Right? Yep. It's set just after the time of King Arthur.

Mm-hmm. Right. I know the time. But then some kind of maybe like a nuclear, Merlin accidentally caused a nuclear blast. Part of his magic, he didn't agree. I agree that's too much power for one man. He didn't understand the science of what he was doing.

Mm-hmm. And because even a wizard would come up against science. Sure, I don't think that science doesn't exist in a magical world. Yeah. You've got to have both. Yeah, it's the WWE and the WWE. Great. They're the two different wrestling things.

And is one is magic and the other one signs? Yeah. But those two things don't intertwine. Wasn't that the thing that they didn't intertwine those two codes? Oh, look at all the sea. See, you're looking too deeply into it. I think maybe it's more like one is the color black and the other one is the color white.

Oh, interesting. Okay. You know, and so there's all this area where they intertwine. I would say mostly in the gray area. Right. But then it's because you where you do you ever see stuff with Wizards that have unforeseen circumstances Um Like like like unintended consequences of magic. I guess that's a big part of Harry Potter

I think it is a huge part of Harry Potter. I think people doing magic is slightly wrong. Mm. But that's mostly But that's mostly the problem. Spells going wrong. Right. Indeed. Not the spell interacting with the environment and causing a nuclear blast. So let's say a lot of energy that's concentrated, heat energy that's concentrated in one place that might cause two atoms to fuse and then let off an atomic blast. Now, if somebody discovered a little bit of magic,

at the moment we don't have any magic in the world, but say we discovered a tiny little bit of magic, like we just discovered Oculus Repairum, for example, which is a in Harry Potter, that is a spell specifically for fixing glasses. Is that actually just for fixing glasses? Seems to be, yes. Right, so it fixes glasses, that's all it does.

Firstly, I wonder if spells existed before humanity. Like did that spell exist before glasses? Anyway, it doesn't matter. But maybe it could also fix your eyes. It could, maybe. Off to us? Could do, I doesn't matter. But maybe it could also fix your eyes. It could maybe. Off to us? Could do. I don't know.

But my question is, if we discovered one little bit of magic in our world, we didn't find any other magic. We just found that little bit. Would we then treat that bit of magic like it is atomic technology or something? And would we then try and build a thermonuclear, Oculus Repair and Pile, where we construct glasses in such a configuration, hold them in electromagnetic field,

so that when we do the spell on them, we can get electricity out. It seems to be a good idea. I think we would definitely try to weaponize. Weaponize. Yeah. So maybe kind of like a bear trap, we would build these big glasses. Yeah, great.

On the side of a river. Of like a fortress. Yeah. Maybe a Korean fortress. Yeah. They're on the ships at sea. Yeah. And then you just push these glasses either side of a big frigate.

Yeah. Like that. You pass it underneath and then you pass it on either side and you Oculus Repair them. Like that. And it would clamp on it, piercing holes in it. And if the glass is causing it to sink, causing it to sink probably with your new pair of glasses that were just repaired. So you lose them. There would be a lot of material. Oh, that's true. Yeah. But I think probably no more than with say a bomb. Well, I know, I think a bomb is kind of like easier to transport.

I think like so, I think out of the, you know, like that. Easier than glasses. A huge gigantic pair of glasses. What how big are you talking? Like comic novelty-sized glasses or we're talking. Yeah, I was picturing them bigger than the frigate, because how would the metal pierce through it? Magic, I suppose.

I suppose magic, yeah. But then would the magic even allow a set of glasses to repair in through a frigate? Through something, and be happy with that. Very often magic would work around, like the glasses would zip around one side of the frigate or something like that because that's magic and it looks more impressive on. I suppose that would happen to movie. That would happen if they weaponized it but had never tested it before.

Right. Well they'd have to do these tests, I guess it's some isolated at all. Yeah. In the Pacific Ocean. Oh, man, those people. I think weaponizing Oculus Repair is is is is very well, it's not very good, but it's quite okay. You know, it's it's it's it's an interesting thing to explore. But this is what what's also interesting in that regard would be is the fact that in that world where you've only found a little bit of magic, right? And you haven't found any, you would use science to find more magic. Yeah, you would try.

You would try. Yeah, I'm just not sure if in this world there is any other magic or just that. You know, is it, is it funny that there's only... That's the only bit of magic. I guess because we just tend to think that magic is probably like mathematics. Yeah. You find one bit of it, one plus one. There's bound to be some more mathematics somewhere else.

Absolutely, yeah. What else can we add one to? One plus orange? No, that doesn't work. Well, let's keep trying. Absolutely. What else can we add one to? One plus orange? No, that doesn't work. Well, let's keep trying. Yeah, it would be spooky if there was a limited amount of maths as well. If there was only like one plus one. Yeah, it'd be so weird. What if you could divide? What if nothing could be divided? Right. You know, what if like once you put two things together, they could never be split. Now what about multiplication?

Can we still multiply by a fraction? Or do we not have fractions? Well, I don't know how you would have a fraction because a fraction involves a division. But I guess you could have a zero point three. We'd have a decimal point, yeah. You would definitely bring up an interesting point, but... A decimal point.

But that does sound dangerously like division. Right. Yeah. So I think maybe this math universe would be smarter than that, and it wouldn't allow that. So it sounds like it. So I think there would only be whole things, which I guess is why things can't be divided into point three of a thing. Okay, only integer amounts of stuff.

And so this is the problem, is that as soon as two things get joined together, let's start with something simple, two balls of play-doh. Yeah. They are now one ball of play-doh and can never be made smaller. Right. And, yeah. So, you couldn't say that those two balls of play-doh were half a ball of play-doh, because they were just two balls of play-doh.

But you had two balls of play-doh, and now you have one ball of play-doh, so really the number of balls of play-doh has been divided by two. So if you start counting things... Oh, but the numbers don't actually exist. Oh, okay. So it would have to be a world in which there's, I guess the numbers are immaterial. And maybe that's why. Well, that sounds like you could probably divide them as well.

Yeah, that's true. So, okay, so there are no numbers. Okay, there are no numbers. Okay, there are no numbers. Any numbers. Like that. Or could it be like this here? I can't just argue in half. There are no numbers. Like there are no numbers. There are no numbers. All right. Any numbers. Like that. Or could it be like this?

So just everything gets bigger. I cut this orange in half. Now, how much orange is in this? There is one half an orange. Is that something? No, you can't cut things. Yeah, you can't. There's no cutting.

There's no knives. And when cells die on your body, they just stay part of you. Ooh. And also every breath clings to you. How do you reproduce? Hey. How do you reproduce? You become one.

You have to divide and multiply. They don't. They don't. They just get bigger. OK. You just do. And so then people just start as one little cell, and then they end up as one giant cell.

A giant cell, oh that's quite cool. And then years ago, I mean episodes ago, we did come up with a sketch where biologists are responsible for killing giant microbes. Micro-mthings, yeah, because they're the ones that should have stopped this from happening. Yeah. Well, they exist. Those creatures came from a world where there is no division. But also, in this world, Jews and Palestinians would work together.

To get worked together. Right. And they could never work apart. But that's the thing once they started working together, they could never work apart. Well, I like it. I wrote a thing down on my hand. Can we go back? Sure.

Is there anything in this maths thing? I don't know. I think maybe it's a bit obscure. I was wondering, well, maths is universal. That's true. Yeah. I was wondering if, like a head on a spike, right? You put a head on a pike in a medieval battle.

Yeah. People think that's a fiss or the... A stick. Yeah, great. You know, pointed stick. Okay, right. Right. People think that's barbaric, right?

Right. But is it any more barbaric than just leaving that head lying around on the ground? I mean, I, I, Vlad the Impaler, people thought he was a barbarian, but I think he was just facetious. It was, it's very, it's very, he's very tidy, guys. Yeah, it's like, you know, you've got all these receipts, where are you gonna put them on a little spike?

On a little spike, yeah. You've got all these enemies, you wanna keep them organized. Do you know what I'm cluttering up the desk? Do you think an accountant who takes good good care of organizing your receipts as a barbaric? Accountant I'm well if we have any Consistency in this universe. I'll stay there. Yes. Yeah. That's true And then what if instead let's say something less barbaric you stuck you stuck a phone, and I'm sorry, so a head, a severed head on an iPhone. Oh, like that.

I mean, an iPhone, you wouldn't consider that a barbaric tool of the barbaric tool of the barbaric tool. It's quite a modern and civilized thing, isn't it? And so if you were just pushing that in the neck of a severed, sort of, long dead head. All right, what if instead of putting it on a metal spike, what if we put the head on a sort of a carbon nanotube? No.

Like the Cigarette. Like the Cigarette. Yeah, I mean, that's very futuristic, isn't it? That's very futuristic, yeah. Or what if you say you placed it, you placed the head delicately on a well-designed, sort of bookshelf. Is that barbaric?

Oh, no, that's good housekeeping. It's Swedish design. It's minimalist, is it? It's minimalist and it's got a... You don't have a lot of heads, you just have a few heads around the house. It's just quite tastefully laid out. A few nice heads. Nice heads.

Yeah. And they've got like one of those things that hold books up Bookends. Yeah, you got bookends on each other's sides head ends. Yeah, so they don't tip over yeah I think I think like Vlad the Impaler or whoever like defending himself as, you know, he's quite, he's actually quite fisterious, right? And I'd like to, you know, and yeah, I think that that that Danish design or whatever, like it, within his, what people are calling a fortress of doom, right? But if you actually go inside, you see it's actually quite nice. And the heads aren't

just in a pile, right? They're around the place and there's just a few of them. That's why you got to build those big, strong walls is to keep out disorder. Right. You know? You just wanted, you know, a bit of structure, chaos. Chaos, we'll, you know, we'll overrun. We'll overrun.

And so that's why you have to build that moat and these thick walls. I mean, really, I mean, is this even a joke at this point, now, let's do it because I mean, a lot of these people all they did want, I imagine, was order, you know, they just wanted to impose, you know, I mean, I realized we're defending genocide. No, no, no, no, no, no, we're defending genocide. No, no, no. No, no, no. We're defending what you do with the bodies after genocide.

Right. Yeah. Because it is a crime to improperly dispose of a body. That's right. As far as I'm aware. And that was a lie that started that. But if you do, you know, the right things with it and you keep it neat, then no further crime has been done.

At least it's limiting the atrocity. Yes a murder was committed. I can't do anything about that now. No, the past is the past. I can only deal with what's in front of me. And what that is is a dismembered body, but what's quite tasteful is to arrange those body parts in order of height. I think that's not a shelf.

Yeah. Right, and you come into a room and it feels. Get them at least out of the thoroughfare. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, if they're on the floor, they're a tripping hazard. That's right. And that's an OHS issue.

That's an OHS issue, somebody could get hurt. Yeah. Is there anything in that? I look, I wrote down Vlad the Impaler impaling heads isn't barbaric. Right, but is there anything in specifically in like the OHNS implications of a murder and trying to defend like, like think about it, if you did clean that up or whatever, you think about it in terms of all the,

leaving aside that I committed the murder, okay? Let's not dwell on that, all right? When you're committing the murder, let's put that from your mind, okay? Let's just say a murder had been committed, okay? And I happened to be there, all right? And what I did then was I cleaned up that space. I mopped up that blood. I piled those body parts in an easy to find chronological

order. Think about all the potential deaths that didn't occur from slippage, from disease. That's true. When I ate those body parts, I was disposing of them in such a way that they're not gonna fester. They're not gonna cause sort of bacterium infections. Exactly. So, you know, okay, so leaving side,

I actually saved several lives that day. I look, I think that this is all into one. Yeah, I think it's all rolled into one. I appreciate that you know it started with just impaling ahead on a on a pike. But to be honest I'm sorry. Fischelstit. Well in my mind so it's it's it's early apocalypse right Yeah, Marlon caused that thing. Yeah. And then now a sort of a lesser civilized people, like a people who have had less buildings and sort of catapults sort of paddle up to this land. There's pointy sticks of plenty.

And whoever caused a lot of the murder, possibly murder, Merlin. Mm-hmm. Murder in Merlin. Merlin, this truck called. Murder in Merlin. Murder in Merlin. Um. Uh.

Uh. Old Merlin, Merlin. Merlin. Alistair. Uh. Murder in Merlin. Unfortunately, sorry, like my truck, I'm just gonna try and say it fast and see if I can get it right. Murder and Murlin. You did it.

You did it. You just did it right up. Yeah. And so then there's heads of plenty on the ground. No, no, whoever in a murder It's a plenty. Murder in Merlin was not as tidy as Vlad. He was left these heads everywhere. Messy murder in Merlin. Yeah. There's pikes, sticks, and there's pikes fish. Mm-hmm. Just you stick a bucket in the water and you're picking it up, there's pikes coming out there. Somebody says to one of the idiots.

He's just pettled up. Put all these fish on the pikes. And I guess there's two separate people, one who starts sticking their heads on the pointy sticks to kind of get them out of the way. You said put all these fish on the spikes. Did you mean heads? This is not going either.

No, it's not, it's not. It's okay though. I quite like the visual of them paddling up the river. I was quite taken with that. You did a little thing, you know? That's some kind of a long boat. Yeah, it was a really long boat. Yeah, a real long boat.

Yeah. Um, is there anything in, I hate even saying it, but like a prehistory Trump parody and kind of thing. Like, you know, what is, what has to be got out of that? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. What about it? Wait, wait, wait. You know, there's, there is what is to be got out of that? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. What about this?

Wait, wait, wait. You know, there's uncivilized people. Yes. But there be people who are too civilized. Oh, hyper civilized. Yeah, hyper civilized to the point. Well, is that kind of like the Vulcans in Star Trek? Yeah.

You know, they're super logical, but maybe, maybe not, right? Like, but I guess because they don't understand emotion, they're kind of uncivilized in a way. Right. Yeah. Indeed. Very often they behave in quite a brutal way. That's right. Because yeah. Okay. So this is what is it? They've got very, very good manners. Yeah. Right. To the point where everything's formalities. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. No, we're describing the British. The British. Yeah. But maybe maybe I mean the British did did do some quite Impalite things such as a lot of it they didn't do in Britain And that's true though. Oh, but then also a lot of it. I think that did in Britain

They also did murder themselves a lot as well. That seems to be a country that had a lot So they're more polite than the British and that they never murder mm-hmm But they're so the Swiss but what what that they never murder. But they're so... The Swiss. But what do people like that do when they get attacked? Who are super polite? Do they just develop very strong defensive tactics? Well, I wonder if there's like, if there could be a militarized version of passive aggression.

Right? Like, how could you deploy that kind of thing and like very, very powerful manners on a military scale? Well, you know, like instead of a catapult, you have a huge machine with a long arm that you use for shaking hands. So I mean, that's lovely. Maybe you could have sort of guided missiles that do that. Yeah.

We could do it in as more, more people, more quickly. Well, shake the hands of like 50 to 100 people. Yeah. Yeah. And then go up in this cone, blow up. Yeah. Okay. Because they got to do that.

But what about if the whole, their whole people live inside these kind of metallic eggs that have like sort of a great at the front, of like a like a like a Mickey like a Mickey mouse Outfit or something like that, you know Yeah, like that and These eggs are indestructible Now this is the the Daleks is it or there's something live inside the building. Yeah, there's like this sort of blobby crab type thing Yeah, but you got. But these are, these don't try to extra light.

Yeah, they're very polite and you just can't hurt them. So like if you try to attack them, they go, well I understand what you're trying to say there. Well, I'll just get out of your way. Pardon me for money. Yeah, that's really interesting. But at some point they, do they maybe arrive on earth? I like maybe they arrive on earth from another planet, right? And they... That sounds quite uninvited, that sounds quite rude.

Well maybe there was an outstanding invitation, maybe there was a weed issue in invitation that we didn't realize. I suppose they sent out a signal. Yes. We contacted them back, they understood our signal. Yes. We contacted them back. They understood our signal. Yeah. They said, yeah, come here, I guess, like that, because, you know, we were like, what were the chances of making contact with an alien civilization to show up? Very polite. But then they can't be distracted, destroyed. They respond to every attack with an apology and maybe a gift, a small gift to try and repair the the the rift. I think this is I think this is funny and it's indestructible aliens, aliens species that are over civilized. I over civilized to polite and we can't get rid of them.

And I imagine we want to get rid of them because we find it irritating, right? The person who is constantly apologizing or his, yeah, just too careful or whatever it is. So they're just constantly kind of just, like not necessarily rolling out, pictured them kind of like, sort of half hovering, half just walking under the egg,

or kind of think maybe it's maybe it's kind of a roll, like, you know, like when you just get like a ball, you're like, well, what do you see that? Like a ball that's like in a joint thing, but then it's a multi-directional, like an all directional wheel. Mm. That works. And BBA in Star Wars is a bit like that. Yeah, but more like, like, you know, the

balls kind of like half. Okay, like, like, like, one of those things that there was a period of time when those computer sort of a computer mouse, but like, some computers would have a ball that you rolled around. I tell you what, if you had one of those, you were a weirdo. Yeah, fucking weirdo. What about those? You were more accurate. What about that little furry, like, nubbin in the middle of the keyboard that you could sort of push around. Yeah, little clippers.

Ooh, a little mouse clippers. I thought the people were going to enjoy pushing that little nubbin around. No. Well, it was kind of furry, wasn't it? Yeah. Textured in some way. It kind of like felt a bit like the, like the, like the... Maybe like an Ewoks clitoris. Yeah, well it was kind of like it was like a pool table's clitoris.

Right. How about this next dish? Every, every pool table has a clitoris. Just above each, in front of each of those holes. After you sink the black, you have to give the table an orgasm. That's the last part. I think it's a nice addition to pool and it would be a thing that you're every day sort of billiards player is probably not used to. Right, right. Well, I mean, I think because the game of Billiards is already right with sexual imagery

with the balls and the sticks and the holes. Right, but it's from a very, very masculine centric sort of thing where it's just, you know, doing what you want. Oh, God. I don't know I don't necessarily see. I've been talking for too long, I'll stay and I've covered with regret. Yeah. I mean I just I think I like Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Like the pool table is a human body. Sure, but it's got six holes. Yeah, I know, but they're not vaginas. Okay. I don't see the stick as a penis.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, and I don't see the ball as a testicle. I just see the table as having a clitoris. That's all it is, Amy. It goes no further. I'm not a weirdo like you. Alright? Who sees all this imagery?

It holds and sticks, okay? Oh, I'm just a man who thinks that a green table, a green six-legged table has one Twitter. Yeah, but it's a part of the game. A reasonable thing. And the game. A very noble thing. And to think. And that a table can also experience an orgasm. And that the table shakes. So the legs just go out from under it?

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Right now, you can get the Super Glow Body Set valued at $126 for only $79 when you use code gift at ocamalibu.com. That's code gift at osemalibu.com. That's code GIF that OSEAMALABU.com. It starts to shake a little bit like a purring cat. Yeah, exactly. And then it builds up and then it's like, once it's in the fits of the full blown orgasm, it's like, it's moving like there's an earthquake. Like a small, like a 3.1 earthquake, like that, right? And it's just the world is a slightly difference place

because of the table. But when that originally happens, when this universe is affected by this change, it is of the table. But when that originally happens, when this universe is affected by this change, it is exactly the same. But the universe is changed immensely by this tiny change because of the kind of people who play pool and, you know, who now have to learn how to please a table in a similar way that you would have to please a clitoris on a regular vagina, a pool table being an irregular vagina. And then it's made- But what are the consequences of you not doing this? You can just finish your game of pool.

It's a whole sitcom, a sort of a normal sitcom, just like friends. Right. But instead of having a glitterist. Instead of hanging out at the Central Perk with Gunter, right, hanging out at a pool lounge and all the pool tables have glitterists. So it's just a thing about people. It's just a show about people

and relationships, but the only way in which the universe is different to here is pool tables have clitoruses. And the show is called friends and pool tables with clitoruses. is called friends and pool tables with clitoruses. Oh, okay. Or friends and pool tables have clitoruses. Friends butt? Yeah, friends butt. Pool tables have clitoruses. Because it would be nice to be able to raise it.

Okay, okay now the work's part has really solved me on this. Because I feel we canui can't do it. Oh wow. But Tui actually even didn't have to see any scenes of the portable order We just a totally here and mentioned from off screen we just revoiced the existing footage Occasionally, it's just a mention. There's just a loud moan as they cut past a bar So he says that's like a full table table, so I think it's good to... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, well, that's everybody the hardest we've ever lost. I'm podcasting.

I think we don't. I think in order for it to much like, you know, because you've got to think about the critics. You've got to think about the critics. I always do. I always do. Who would be reviewing this? I think in order to justify the pool tables having clitorisys, it's not interested if you have to justify.

No, no, no, but I mean, I think we're writing this thing ourselves, and it's like friends, but in many ways, it's not like friends, so that we can also retain the rights. Okay, so you do, you want to see a totally new creative, you know, intellectual property based around this idea. Absolutely. But you also want it to be a pretty run-of-the-mill sitcom, right? Yeah, I want it to be a run-of-the-mill Calm. Yeah, so it's called like weekdays or something like that. Oh, I think it's called friends, but Paul Okay, well, we're already running into some

I mean for a man who want to avoid potential Intellectual copyright issues. Yeah, you're playing with fire. I'll stay there That's all I think I think you can have a sitcom with the word friends in it without like it's not friends. When you're inviting comparisons at the very least. No, I know, but there's a lot of TV shows about a group of friends, but there's no TV shows in which that group of friends lives in a universe where pool tables have clitoris. Earlier today, we were discussing the problems of plot and story and writing narrative. And reading somebody's point of view

that stories, there's limited number of stories and they're very hard to come up with. But I think we've found a totally new one. One of the unique, well, I was playing, anyway, I went out with my friend Jimmy last night for a game of pool. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and my girlfriend started getting really jealous. I bet.

So, anyway, that's one of the many scenes that we can have in the show. Oh, that's good. I imagine you have to chalk up the tip of your finger as well before you do it in that little bit of chalk. I want everyone to know that it's not, it's not, why don't you... What do you want everyone to know? I don't think I feel like you're not going to regret what you're about to say. No, I don't think it will look like a human clitoris.

Oh, okay, right. I think it will sort of be a little bit closer to the clitoris on the computer mouse. Okay, sure. Yeah. Well, that's where we started. Yeah. Anyway, if I was a producer, I'd give that the green light straight away. Yeah, the fuzzy green light. Because, yeah, the fuzzy green light.

Is there a, they use for all the pool table related project projects? Is there a... Nobody puts hair on a light. No, nobody does. There's no hairy lights. Like I mean if you tried every color of light, what about trying some different textures? Yeah, I mean because I can understand that there's not a history of putting hairs on lights because lights used to just be fire. Right. And even after that they were in Candacean bulbs,

create a lot of heat, and fibers were pretty much exclusively natural of one kind or another. Yeah. And therefore flammable. Right. But in this day of carbon nanotubes. Carbon nanotubes and LEDs. And silicone. And silicone.

I think we can finally make a hairy light. And I don't mean those lights that have a bunch of like... Oh, up fiber optic. Fiber optic things and they look blue at the end of the tip of the fiber. Fuck off. Fuck you. That's not hair. That's fiber. Yeah. Alright, I just wanted to get that out. This is, yeah. Is there anybody pitching a hairy light? I think a hairy light, I think it could be something. You know, you have the blue light disco.

The blue hair disco. The hairy light disco. The hairy hair disco the hairy light disco the hairy light But like how does the hair affect affect the light So like a lampshade. Yeah, I think it'd be great as like yeah, it's an alternative to a lampshade I think it'd be great as a night light. You know, you to a lampshade. I think it would be great as a night light. You want a little bit of light, we don't want too much light so kids could be good for kids having that in their room. Well, we really don't make any furry animals.

Like, there's a lot of kids toys that are furry and a lot of kids toys these days that have lights on them. But I haven't seen any furry toys that glow. Right. I reckon we could get that going. Like a glowing teddy bear, like a glowing orange, like a quite a nice warm color teddy bear. This feels like it's finally doable. Yeah. You know, a glow in the dark tickle me Elmo. If you're not glowing the dark. No, no, I mean like lights in a way are glowing the Elmo. You've been not glowing the dark. No, no, no, no, I mean like lights in a way are glowing the dark.

You know why they are? Yeah. The sun is glowing the dark. That's fucking, it was. Everything is glowing the dark. No, not everything. No, light sources. Oh, okay.

Oh, you're right. I'm kind of, I'm kind of, what's like, I'm kind of shadowy in the dark. All right. So, okay, cool, cool. Just, I just, is there something about it? We could do with that, but the idea that every light is glow in the dark like that? The sun being glow in the dark is a good observation that I really appreciate. I just want you to know that.

Thank you very much. I mean, it's sort of the earth is kind of glow in the dark as well though, isn't it, right? Because it's reflecting, would you count that as glowing? Maybe you would. It's reflecting in the dark. Yeah, right. But it's also? Maybe you would. It's reflecting in the dark. Yeah, right. But it's also reflecting in the light.

Yeah, especially in the light that it's reflecting. Because I think if the sun went out, then it wouldn't be reflecting. Okay, yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. Do you want me to just put down in brackets down here, not a sketch idea? Yeah, sure.

Sun is glowing dark. But then do we get anything out of the hairy lights I don't think I don't think we do but I I think if there are any toy manufacturers listening Yeah a glowing teddy bear with a light inside it. Yeah, it's not hot or anything and it's safe It's not a hot toy. No, no, it's not gonna catch fire But it's just got sort of slightly translucent. It's not gross. It's not gonna catch fire, but it's just got sort of slightly translucent. It's not gross, it's not like blue or green or some shit. It could be though.

No, it could be, but it's down the track when we're trying to diversify the line. We're starting out with a nice brown, healthy, hearty, warm, glowing teddy bear. Yeah, like it, okay, it's a bear. So it's just a regular bear, it's classic bear. We're not pushing anything too far, okay? We're creating a first glowing furry toy.

Yeah. Okay, we don't want to, where's the light source? Is it right in the core of the bear? Is it in the core of the bear? It's in the heart. Is it in the heart or is there lights all the way through it? So that it's, it's sort of got an even distribution. It's quite a nice distribution.

Yeah, okay, I'm going with that now. Yeah. Yeah. It looks like it's just descended from heaven or something. Yeah, so it's a bit like Monty Burns in that episode where he's radioactive. Correct. Yeah.

Is the bear bringing us love? Warmer. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Okay, and so I guess it's like toys that you don't, if you're designing a toy, you don't really have to think about how kids are playing with it because it doesn't seem like people who design teddy bears ever thought about how kids are going to play with it. No, and it doesn't seem like most people who manufacture toys really think about the consequences or anything at all.

They just get it out of the market and then recall it later on where the kids start to die. Yeah, that's a good system. It saves you time anyway. It does. It gets it onto the shelves. Yeah. Let's rush this out. And I'll lose your overheads. Mm.

Yeah. Your underheads are your body. Lower your overheads is a way for it. The thing that happens when tent falls down. What about when you bring your hat down? Because you're feeling shifty while you're playing a game of poker cards you try not to give away your face. You'll lower your overheads. Yeah. Oh, that's good too. Alistair. Yeah, we've come to a dead end.

We did it. We can't go a dead end. Oh, mate, well, should I just write down Harry Light? Harry Light's not a sketch idea. Oh, no, we still got a bit of time. Yeah, we got a bit of time. Okay. We got a bit of time.

We got a lot of love to give. We got a lot of love to give, Andy. Clearly. By the way, everybody,'ve got a lot of love to give. We've got a lot of love to give Andy. Clearly. By the way everybody we've got a lot of love to give to you guys. Anyway, that's a nassie. Nassie, like Loch Ness. Loch Ness. The aquatic mystery animal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I mean that's already been, it's been mined a lot. It has been mined, yeah. I mean, it fits within a sort of a arm of the family, of the animal kingdom, of the imaginary animals, which I don't think they ever talk about, we talk a lot about the fish and the insects

and the vertebrates. But do we ever talk about the imaginary ones? Because I think that's quite, and I think there's quite a lot more imaginary ones probably that were science is yet to discover. Well, you know what made me wonder just then, is that there would be sort of an evolutionary tree of imaginary animals,

because I guess it would somehow be interlocked with the real animals because you would have, you know, people would have come up with an idea, but it also often would have just been based off of a real thing. But then also they would have come up with other ideas based off of things that kind of don't exist. Maybe you can't come up with a big foot, but then later on you came up with a, then nobody come off of a bear,

and then maybe the idea of a big foot, you got the yedi. Is there a thing about like the person who does come up with these things, right, having a sort of a job, like a scientist who would discover fossils, right? There's also a scientist who Makes up animals. Well, there are cryptozoologists, right, but they're people who very often who try and find these animals invest in Bitcoin Exactly. It's a very modern joke. It's very modern. Yeah, that's probably only really hit, you know, peak relevance in

the last two weeks, I reckon. Yeah, less two months maybe. Well, maybe. Enough that people could potentially get it, you know. But I think somebody who imagines these animals in the first place, right, because somebody has to come up with them. Yeah. And I think it's good that we have somebody who's just sitting there and being like, okay, it's called Gravno. And it's a toad, but it's got wings like a bat It lives in outer Spain. Is that a thing, outer Spain? Is that a place? Yeah, okay, not outer Spain. Was that like France?

France. Oh, no. You can't, you can't, come on with an imaginary arrow. Edible, they just, it lives in France. It's gotta be somewhere remote and little studied. And so, and I think maybe it's kind of like, there's parallels between a biologist and a crypto, or a zooologist and a crypto zooologist.

And so what he's doing is like, we're talking about him, he's talking about his job. His job is to come up with new mythical animals and imaginary animals, or animals that we think are real. Yeah. Right. Might be real, you know, and are yet to prove that they're real. Right.

And but he's talking about how real or aren't real. Yeah. But I guess every animal that isn't real is one that we're yet to prove that it is real. In date. And he's talking about how hard it is these days to come up with a new animal. Because a lot of most of the good fake animals

have already been made invented. So, dragon, giant. God, I wish I'd come up in that. Ghost. It was so easy. Ghostast. So easy back then. Oh, fair. Basically you just look at something and then say that bigger and maybe flying. Maybe flying.

Yeah. These days it's so hard. Yeah. And obviously a gentle, people love a gentle giant But You know they didn't like mine from maniacal giant. It's that just goes under regular giant I mean mood disorder my friend Kip He came up with the with all the ways

So he was on to a good thing when he came up with that prefix. We're wolf, we're bear, we're owl, we're dog, we're cat, and he was getting paid per creature. That was a good solid two weeks. He was minding that, but he just went through a dictionary. That was 15 grand. 15 grand, he doesn't have to work anymore. He's got 15 grand. He's set up for life. I put it all in Bitcoin.

I put all in Bitcoin. He's a cryptos, he's all of just... Yeah, I think that's funny. He comes up with... I mean, what do you people want? I mean, come on. He's a character, he's a wacky character. He does stuff, you know, he comes up with things. He thinks that the infinite, the infinite, the infinite of possible creativity is somehow limited. And there's only, and there's only good stuff to take.

That's been taken. I mean, that's a great character flow. Yeah. And it is making a satirical point, Alistair, which is that a lot of the mythical creatures are actually pretty boring. Right? Like dragons, I'll admit, are pretty cool. But most of the other ones, I just like, well, that's very close to something that already exists. Yeah it's just it's close enough to something that exists that you could probably find some blurry photos or a bit of hair or something that convinces you that that thing is real. Like a dire wolf. That's just a big more aggressive wolf. Just a wolf that's closer than you thought it was. Yeah what about the rock? Like a rock you know that's just a big eagle's closer than you thought it was. Yeah, what about the rock?

Like a rock, you know, that's just a big eagle. That was a huge eagle. Mm-hmm. You know, what about that one that is the dragon with three heads? Is that a thing? You know what? The Hydra. Yeah, Hydra.

It's just a dragon with three heads. And they added the part where if you cut off the head, it comes back. That's pretty good. Yeah, I guess the Greeks, they did a lot of the good mythical stuff The Minotaur would have been great the first time a king of Greeks has spent a lot of time on that I'm going up with the Weird animals cryptos all is not enough time inventing the arch in my opinion. No, they didn't invent the arch No, the Romans had to do that. I'm sorry. I can't invent the arch

I'm coming up with a ball with a penis, love a squid. Oh, this is a good one, look at that. I sent a call who's always giving the finger. Sorry. Sorry, we were coming up with, it's a turtle that comes up with mathematical theorems. Well, it's very close to Zena's paradox. That's very good, El.

Thank you very much. Well, I'm going to take us through. Yeah, let's take us through it like it say an airport security device that they're only just introducing. Maybe the one that does a full body scan or something. Take it through. So slowly, yes. Slowly, yes.

With fear that you might get radiation poisoning. Well first we got weaponizing Oculus Repairum. So it's a universe in which there's only a tiny bit of magic and it's that one spell from Harry Potter that fixes glasses and then the military gets their hands on that and they try to find ways of bringing down ships and airplanes and people. But also generating electricity. Turning it into a bomb. A lot of people at MIT are very deeply involved in this.

Somebody probably find a way to work the blockchain through this. I've always actually found wide, fixed glasses using blockchain. And. It's very caron-halloc. It's probably only the last two weeks that that's really hit Pete Relevant. Yeah, then we've got Vlad the Impaler.

And he's in paling. He's talking about how impaling heads on a pike, the wooden stake, isn't barbaric because to leave it on the ground would be more barbaric. And then it kind of goes into a whole thing of I, he keeps going. Well, how come they call me Vlad the Fistidius? Like the Tari.

Vlad the person who cares about it, H&S. Yeah. And then it kind of keeps escalated until the point he's just got you know Got these beautiful Swedish Design shelves and he's placing head delicately. I don't just impale. No And that the reason that he attacks and and has built fortresses is to keep out the chaos and disorder You know because he likes a nice minimalist design. He likes a bit of bloody piece and quiet.

He's sent so much to us, Paul. But you know what, a severed head is not just a deterrent. It can also be a thing that doesn't have to just push away. It can also bring in some joy into your life like in the interior decor. Yeah, absolutely. A lot of the times, like things that are quite brutal, can take on a stark beauty, you know, like some, you know, some...

Like a some some some Stalinist relics, okay? Siberia or something, you know, you see them in the right light, you know, like, oh, actually I can see, you know, what they were trying to do there. Like a black light. So too. That makes things look really cool. Yeah. A furry black light. A furry black light, mate. Write it down.

Oh, how about this, a farting light? Okay. It's a light, but it makes noise. It makes a farting noise. Instead of a light that comes out sound. It's not a flash light, it's a fart light. Oh, see it, it's broken, it's in the streets of all the early species. Oh, I'm fucking hell.

It's a farting black fart. It makes a sound. No light, but it makes broad colours broader. Maybe it makes bright colours also far ahead. No, I'll stand. No, okay. Glowing the fog, okay, here we go. Tell you what, there's been some childish laughing throughout this indestructible alien species that are too polite. And so they've come here upon our request because we'd made contact with alien species.

And then from that point on, they've kind of just felt like they were in our way and they just ended up roaming out of the, through our planet, trying to like, oh, so sorry, like that, and they kind of give us a gift and then they scooter off. And so then they kind of become a bit of a past, but they're indestructible and they live in these weird eggs. Then of course, we have every pool table has a clitoris, which is, and then it's the basis for the sitcom Friends, but pool tables have clitoruses, and it's just seeing how the world would be different. It's a very similar, you know, could be just like everybody loves Raymond or, you know,

Secret Life of Us, which is an Australian program that maybe, maybe many of you haven't seen, but also like a bit like Friends, but I don't want to, I don't want to play up that comparison too much, and then, but then how is their world the same? But also different. The Romano doesn't wanna play up that comparison. You are absolutely, Elisabeth, you are going so close to the line,

and I really admire that, you know? I know. Because a lot of cowards who didn't wanna play up that comparison wouldn't have put the word friends in the title. Yeah, and that's why I'm called. So I'm calling our sketch show, the mighty bush, but sci-fi. And with Andy and Analyst, Andy and Analyst, or no, we are doing a sketch show at the Comedy Festival this year in Melbourne, but it'll

be called now Andy Matthews and Analysts, the Trumbly, Virgil, sci-fi. Get Trumbly experience. No, there's no comedy in there. Just sketch experience. Oh, I'm free to put comedy in there. I think's no comedy in there. Just sketch a story. I don't appreciate what you're doing there. I think I put comedy in there. Oh my God. Anyway, I'm sorry, I put comedy in there. I'll show how I listed it. Oh my God.

And then we've got the cryptos who all just, whose job it is to come up with animals. Yeah. We set that in the future. All right, we set that in. So I thought. It's sci-fi. And so.

So... We look, I'll tell you what, you don't have to listen to this podcast. But you do. And we take advantage of that fact, we can and we can. And we keep making them because you're listening and because. Is this weekend or is this week out? I can't remember. I can't keep track. Can't keep track.

We can. We got. We're on the Planet Broadcasting Network and with a bunch of fine podcasts. We can't weekly plan it. Yep. Those guys. Oh, also I appeared on an episode of... Sans Pants Radio. Sans Pants Radio. How are we both going to be doing a live podcast?

Yeah. Coming out soon, I think. This Friday. Yeah, but I don't know when it's coming out. Oh right. That's why I see coming out. But it's on plumbing the death star that I appeared. That's because there are a whole network Yeah, there's cross network promotion happening here. Yeah, right within our promo for planet brood because all rising tide Right, what's it it lifts all ships? Mm-hmm, but does drown all people who have their feet stuck in the sand That's right. So yeah, well hopefully

All people who have their feet stuck in the sand. That's right. So yeah, we'll hopefully So we have a ship. Yes You can donate to our patreon You have a two in the tank on patreon. Yeah, and you can find us on Facebook and Twitter and Yep, I'm at stupid old Andy and I'm at Alistair TV George Matthews produces the podcast and does a bloody good work Yeah job whenever I remind to remember whenever, remember to give in the podcast to edit. Yeah. And really good. The only other thing we have to tell you is that we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit PlanetBcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates.

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