Two In The Think Tank - 116 - "FREELANCE MESSIAH"

Episode Date: January 30, 2018

Podcast Chatline, Conversation Worker, The Problematic Element, Put My Face On Round Things, Universe Wish, FM You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!) Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family  You can find us on twitter at @twointank Andy Matthews: @stupidoldandy Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb And you can find us on the Facebook right here A bushel of gratitude to George Matthews for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Doin' the think tank do-day, doin' the think tank do-day, doin' the think tank do-day, doin' the think tank do-day, doin' the think tank do-day, doin' the think tank do-day, doin' the think tank do-day, doin' the think tank do-day, doin' the think tank do-day, doin' the think tank do-day, doin' the think tank do-day, doin' the think tank do-day. Hey-o! Hello and welcome to Doin' the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I am Alistair George William Shalembley. Virtual thank you desperately.

I'd like to thank you with every fibre of my being. And I have a pretty fibrous being and I ate... Some bok choy. Some bok choy. And that is very fibrous. Very fibrous. And some celery. I ate some bok choy. Some bok choy. And that is very fibrous. Very fibrous. And some celery. I had some celery as well.

Also very fibrous. Those thick tubular fibers. Mmm, tubular. It's like they're veins. You've got to chew through celery's veins. Yeah, yeah. The xylem and the phloem, Alistair. The xylem and the phloem? The xylem and the phloem. Alistair. The xylem and the phloem?

The xylem and the phloem. I'm surprised that that doesn't get used in rap more. Yeah. The xylem and the phloem and the bingin and the bongin. And I'm surprised bingin and the bongin doesn't get used in rap a bit more. Well, if they used more celery-based raps, there'd be more opportunities. Do you think that we could run a service whereby we give out our phone number

and rappers can just call us up when they're having trouble with a word and we'll give them a rhyming word? So sort of like a rhyme zone, but for but for the telephone for the telephone a rhyme phone rhyme phone i like that and um yeah i guess i guess you know it could if it takes off i realize it could be quite intrusive you know like it'd be hard to do we get money um well it definitely probably cost us money, having kept the phone and that sort of thing. Running all the time.

Which is a kind of money. Yeah. But we wouldn't get a payment. It wouldn't be like a sexy hotline kind of thing, but like a dollar an hour. Oh, that's too little. A dollar an hour? Alistair, you started way too low.

You started way too late. Have we talked about this of, like, a phone line? And I know it feels like the hackest sketch idea. But, like, instead of sex, like, you call up just to have some other kind of conversation. Like, it's a deeply fertile area for comedy in terms of just the number of things that you could easily do with it sure um well would you let's say you could give up what you do for a living yeah and you could do a phone-based job yeah how much would you have to get paid and what would it have to be on the phone okay i would I would probably do it for, say, $80 an hour. Yeah.

No, let's say $1 a minute. Okay, that's nice. That's not too bad. $1 a minute. And maybe what it is is you'll call me up and I'll pretend like we have a podcast together. Right? We could just, you know, riff or whatever it is. Whatever kind of podcast you're into, I'll do that kind of podcast

because everyone's not into the same thing, I realize, but I'm here to make you happy and you're the one who's paying the dollar a minute. Yeah. So we can just podcast. So that's good. Yeah, and so then you could work 15 minutes. That would be $15. Yeah.

How much do you currently – how does that – wait, $10, 10 hours? That would be – so that would be kind of... Yeah, okay, let's not... I was about to reveal how much you get paid. But do you think then that you and I... Yeah. Like, if you found out that I had been calling up a podcast chat line... Sure.

Right? And doing a podcast with some stranger would you be offended you know well i'm paying a dollar a minute to look i in terms of like jealousy and things like that um i'm happy to sort of be sort of poly podcasty with you poly podcast but it doesn't bother you that i might not be getting what i want from this podcast, like that you're not giving me what I need in terms of a podcast partner? See, I think if I was doing it, if I was you

and I was doing that kind of thing, I would see myself as I have my own podcast, but it's just all in other people's podcasts. So I would just see it as more of a solo project rather than that um that that what we have is a sacred bond and that you're with me because you can't get what I give you anywhere

else that's a really beautiful way to look at it and thank you for being so cool with this yeah no problem and yeah I mean I'm you know because a lot of the other podcasts I do are really filthy. Yeah. You know, like we get into some real gross stuff. Andy, the only way that it would bother me is if the podcast that you did with other people was way funnier. And more successful. And way more successful. Yeah.

So I guess to answer your question is that I won't be jealous as long as they seem less good. Well, the good thing is, well, and then that's great, isn't it? Because that'll actually keep our relationship stronger because I'm not like this, this podcast, it just, it doesn't mean anything, right? There are no downloads. There are no stats. It's just me and another person doing a podcast on the phone. Yeah. Pretending to do a podcast. I mean, you could be actually recording a podcast though. No, but we're not. Yeah. Pretending to do a podcast. I mean, you could be actually recording a podcast, though. No, but we're not. That's not what this is.

Well, I know, but he's allowed to record the phone call, right? That's not against the rules. Sure. But maybe I get a discount rate then if he's going to record it and, you know, upload it. You get a discount rate? Like, as in you're going to charge him even less? No, I'm paying a dollar a minute to call up this person oh you're paying i know i was asking so but how are you making money to live i changed the idea halfway through to be where i have a

i'm not getting what i need from this podcast alistair and i'm calling up a podcast line sorry no wonder you were so cool with it now I find out now that you tell me that the reason that you do it is because you're not getting everything from this podcast I still feel like I'm not in this podcast to give you everything you need like that's

we're not here to absolutely satisfy each other, and I think that that's okay. Do you think there's a sketch in any of that? I think the idea of calling something because you don't get everything you need from it. I mean, the podcast one, do you think that's too weird? Maybe it's too specific. Unless we were to do it as a sketch, as ourselves.

Sort of like in a Marin-type TV show where we're playing ourselves. But everything's just fucking weird, right? Like, we're playing ourselves, but in a universe in which all the stupid stuff that we would come up with in a sketch is kind of possible and real. Yeah.

To a certain extent. So, for example, pool tables have clitorises. Exactly. Oh, that's kind of possible and real yeah to a certain extent so for example pool tables have clitorises exactly oh that's kind of fun because then that's like that's like being in the marvel universe yeah but where particular sketch ideas it's the two in the think tank extended universe i wouldn't be surprised if disney was tobias at some point and the idea that it's kind of like that those pixar theories that every sketch is actually all part of the same universe. Yeah. And as soon as something happens, then that also means that that's...

Hey, why not? That's now... That's now canon. That's now canon. And you've got to make it work. So I'm going to write this down as a sketch. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, great. But then also within that sketch, there is the two in the think tank extended universe.

Oh, it's amazing that the extended universe is within the sketch rather than the other way around. But, hey, Alistair, anything's possible in the two in the think tank extended universe, or the TTU, as everyone's going to call it. Which is also what we're going to call our university. Yeah. And look, I hope we don't get a whole lot of people who are enrolling for the wrong reasons.

Goodness. They're going there, enrolling in a university to see breasts. Like paying $30,000, $40,000 for four years in the hope. Catching a glimpse. I've got another idea, though. All right? And what it is is it's two people who are friends, right? And one of them discovers that the other one is a really good conversationalist. Okay. Right?

Yeah. And they start pimping them out as a person to have good conversations with. Do they start getting really aggressive with them? I think that the power dynamics of the relationship are probably pretty complicated. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't want it to get too dark no i think it would be funny if it got dark you're an amazing conversationalist and he finds a way

yeah making money from that yeah like he rents them out to parties to just wander around exactly and then occasionally the guy walks into the party and grabs like money from him yeah or he just is hanging out under a bridge somewhere and oh god pulls up in a car says you want to chat and like yeah sure oh they're great yeah i like that and what about if it's he's at when he's at a party he's like making people laugh in a group like that with this conversation and they're kind of like telling the story and things like that. He goes, now, would anybody like to go into that room over there and have a private conversation?

And they're kind of walking out. They go, okay, it'll be $50 for 15 minutes. $15 for the small talk. But if you want a deep and meaningful, DM. It's 160 bucks for the full hour. But we'll go deep. We'll go real deep.

I'll reveal a lot of stuff. Yeah. Is there... Wait. Conversationless. Having a chat. Have you been... Oh, I can't remember.

I had another little germ of a thing. Oh, okay. This is... Look, this is not okay, what I'm about to say. Okay, Andy. I'm really excited about it. Look, I mean, it's probably fine. I don't know.

But I have noticed that there's a trope in like when there's some kind of sex worker story in a piece of popular media of some kind there's you'll inevitably hear from them and it might even be something that's reported in the news as well or you know if somebody does a story about

sex work that a lot of the time the guys are just lonely and they just want someone to talk to. Yeah. So do you think that for this conversationalist, a lot of the times it turns out the guys are just horny and they just want someone to have sex with?

I'm sorry. I was just lonely and I just desperately wanted to put my end away. And then they do it anyway, I suppose. I don't know. I mean, look, that makes... I'm just uncomfortable with it because I don't know where the comedy's coming from in that idea, if it's just mocking.

I think it's just coming from the reversal. It's just a reversal, which is sometimes something they ask them to do. This is separate from this. Great, thank God. This is a partially outside idea. Yeah, bring it in. Back in the outside idea.

But it's a bit sci-fi. Yeah. It's a sort of, it's a world sort of like the scenario with the fifth element, right? Where this kind of all-powerful, or this very powerful... Benevolent aliens. No, perfect being. She comes into this world, and some of her perfection is represented in her sort of physical attractiveness.

Yep. Like that. Much like Lola, Lula, Nanu, whatever her name is. Nanu is what my son calls my mother. It's a weird thing to say. But she's also kind of naive of the ways of the world. Right. And this is kind of a trope also in films

where there's a guy and he's like so attracted to her, but she does kind of have the mind of a child. Yes. And she's like, what is kissing? And he's like, oh, yeah, he's like, do you know what kissing is? And she's like, what is that? And he's like, let me show you. Does that happen in The Fifth Element?

Well, I mean, that's kind of what she is. She's kind of really innocent. Oh, yeah, yeah absolutely no no no i get it i just and obviously that's the idea of it but whether or not that scene actually was in there but then like the idea of like whether or not that's okay yeah if you've like it doesn't matter what age your your body is if you've only existed for the last like eight days of this adventure that you've been on yeah and sure you've watched like what looked like a big compile of clips from mtv or something yeah like but i don't think that counts i don't think that counts as enough human knowledge that's not maturity yeah and so i think the idea that like he would kind of be like do you know what kissing is she goes no he goes

well this is definitely not okay you better stay away from me young lady uh jesus christ you're gonna get me into some trouble and you know what and i don't feel okay i mean obviously i'm i'm experiencing some but then i think it's wrong of him to say you're gonna get me into some trouble right because that's very much putting it on her that's true so it's like and then more like the constraints of this narrative device are gonna get me in some trouble mind you i still have agency although since we're in a plot i don't i'm not responsible i am for my own actions I think that he should come back after he backs away. Yep, comes back in 18 years or something. No, no, no.

He comes back, and then he can say that he's sorry. I said that, you know what? I said that you're getting me in trouble. But really, it's me. I'm going to get me in trouble, and I've got to take responsibility for my own issues. It's just that you're very beautiful. I don't even know if it's okay for me to be telling you this right now.

I'm sorry. I'll take that away again. I'm going to go away and get some help. Yeah. I'm going to spend some time to work on myself. And look, I'm going to enroll you in daycare, I guess. Full-grown woman. But like she'd love blocks.

Yeah, she probably would. Leeloo? Leeloo's that her name? Leela? Leela? She would have loved blocks. Leila? Leila. Remember she ate that whole... Was she also in Run Lola Run? Is that what we're getting confused with? Yeah.

Yeah. I never saw Run Lola Run, but I think they had... the two characters had similar hair. Did they? Similar names? And maybe similar names. Maybe they had the same body and were played by the same actress. I think that's part of the problem. Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's interesting. But do we then go to this daycare and see that it's entirely full of aliens and robots and also children who've cast a wish and found themselves in the body of an adult, right, who then still need time to mature before they're being considered an adult by any... Is it like a daycare or is it like a place that protects them from adults? From the protagonists of sci-fi movies.

Yeah. Look, that's quite possible. So in a way, it's kind of like a reverse it's like a reverse prison. Yeah, okay. You just keep everybody out. You keep other people out, and they're kind of for like

adult-bodied, but child-minded orphans. Yes. Because they don't have a parents to protect them. Sure, who've just come into the world due to some, you know, event. That's right. And obviously a better scenario would be for them to have some kind of foster parents that could help and teach them about the ways of the world and they could learn from society or something like that.

But then that's clogging up the foster system for people who are not all powerful beings and have adult bodies. And that's what this sketch is really about. It's a satire on the foster care system, which is inadequately funded and doesn't have sufficient oversight, but still can do very good things. Can do good things and it

can help people. So do you think there's a sketch in that? Yeah, I think there's a sketch in that. I think it's going to toe a very fine line, Alistair. It's very like potentially problematic but it's addressing something that is also more problematic.

And so I think in that way the sketch is good and necessary, and not at all bad and unnecessary. So it's good and necessary. Yes. And not at all bad, unless it is bad in a way that we can't see. Look it's possible. I mean, we're not all powerful beings, you know. It is interesting that they come and they're, you know, sort of got all this wisdom of some kind.

Like ancient wisdom. Ancient wisdom. But like no street smarts. Yeah, no street smarts. No knowledge of our culture and its sort of rules and mores. But what would this ancient knowledge look like? I mean,

I think with the lady in the fifth element, her knowledge seemed to consist mostly of Kung Fu. Kung Fu. And how innocent can you really be if you've come from an ancient culture where literally the only thing anybody knows is kung fu? It sounds like there's bad stuff going on in that universe.

Yeah. It's kung fu, but then it's also being able to have lasers go through you and be used as a portal to shoot lasers that can destroy oncoming sort of black hole planets. Yeah. that can destroy oncoming sort of black hole planets. Yeah, evil. Conscious, evil black hole planets that can make you bleed from under your plastic cap. The evil dark orb. Was that blood or was that like chocolate sauce?

It looked kind of black and gloomy. I always thought that it could have been some of his hair product. I also kind of wondered if that was the case. Yeah. But then if he's wearing hair product, why has he got that plastic cap thing on? Do you think, now that Gary Oldman has played both that character

and Winston Churchill, do you think in a way they're both the same character? Because they're both kind of great leaders but just at differing times and do you think that that means that Gary Oldman is sort of starting to repeat himself? Hmm.

Did that big evil orb... It doesn't seem so crazy that that big evil orb represented Germany. Or Adolf Hitler. But also, the guy that Gary Oldman played, Jambot Heast Emanuel Zorg, I believe was his name. If you want something done properly, do it yourself. Yeah. There's a line he says.

And then, yeah. He was evil. He was also evil. He was also evil. I think he was a slave to the orb. So if you're suggesting that Winston Churchill was a sleeper agent for Hitler, that, Alistair, is a big statement to be making. I don't know if we should be doing that on this podcast.

I don't think this is the place for that. We have our other podcast, Ruining Legacies. You're dead. It's not slander, it's called. Man, we put the boot into some pretty big names. I know, but I think that if somebody else had been the leader, other than Winston Churchill, they could have done better, potentially.

Quite possibly. I was listening to a podcast recently about Winston Churchill's complicity in the famine in India, and it was not good. It was disgusting, right? Yes. Yeah. It was bad.

Yeah, it was bad. And would you say that a guy who was complicit in that was good? Not good. It was disgusting, right? Yes. Yeah. It was bad. Yeah, it was bad. And would you say that a guy who was complicit in that was good? No. No. No. So then I guess we can cancel starting that other podcast and say that he's just like Zorg. Does at some point during the World War,

does he grab a kind of automatic weapon and start shooting it wildly? Yeah, I think he also had the philosophy, if you want something done properly, do it yourself. His famous speech, I will fight them on the beaches. I will fight them myself. I will punch you in the face with my own knuckles.

That's a thing that no, or very few military leaders do or great wartime leaders do in their speeches is personally threaten to punch members of the other side. They seem very protected. Yeah. And I think it'd be interesting, I'll tell you who doesn't

do that, Duterte. Duterte? He would say that he would punch you. Yeah, he said I would punch you. He has said I will personally shoot these people. Anyway. Yeah. Anyway, speaking of atrocities, Duterte seems to... Is that slanderous to say that Duterte is involved in some pretty horrible... Well, he said he doesn't give a shit about human rights, so...

Yeah, I know. But they're saying it, then they're doing it. And he seems to also be doing it. Alistair. Yeah. That's for the start of that other podcast again. Alright. Alright. How about this?

Yes. What about this? Set in the Philippines. Yeah, okay. Great. Where were you starting it was a Philippine head screwdriver

right and what it is is the head of the Philippine head screwdriver Duterte

is Duterte his face and he's created he's a dictator let's say it's not necessarily Duterte but in this particular circumstance it is Duterte. And he's created, he's a dictator. Let's say it's not necessarily Duterte, but in this particular circumstance, it is Duterte. And he's a dictator, and it's a more advanced version of a Duterte. And he has created a series of screws, and it's now, the only screw is allowed to be used in the Philippines. They're called the Philippine head screwdriver.

And the reverse is just an imprint of Duterte's face. And then the head of the drill is the front of his face. Yeah. And that's all I got. I think that's interesting because, you know, those leaders of countries, they always put their face on the coins, right? And that's just a round little bit of metal. Exactly.

Why aren't they putting it on the heads of screws or hammers i guess the idea of being pounded in the face by a hammer it's probably not a good image for a dictator i know out there but to have your face holding up buildings what if your face was on the hammer yeah but then you were still bashing it i think if you're bashing your two hands against each other... Yeah, that's fine. I think that's fine, yeah. Yeah, anything that's round and metal. Hubcaps.

Yep, hubcaps. Hubcaps with his face. Batteries. Sort of a, you know... Saucepans. Saucepans. Frisbees. They all get a lot less funny after screws and nails.

What about ninja stars? Sure. Yeah. Shurikens. Yep. No way. We've got to find one more funny one. Okay.

Something sort of round. Round and metallic. Pop pie dish. Oh, yeah. What about Lazy Susan? Yeah. Pie dish is good. I like that.

Anyway, write in to the podcast whether you're round metallic objects. That you would put Duterte's face on. Model UFOs. Is this a sketch? I think, okay, okay. I think there's a potentially very funny dictator type character to be done. And wanting his face on things is a funny thing. Yeah, like a whole. things is a funny thing. Yeah, like a whole...

There is a sketch within... Maybe we could make a movie called The Dictator or something like that. Sure. Oh, how great is this dictator? I think, yeah, okay. How about that? He's called The Great Dictator.

Cool. Yeah, great. Wait, what was the... Is that the Charlie Chaplin one? No. Yes, that is, yeah. And what's the Sacha Baron Cohen one called? I think that's just the dictator.

Okay, right. Well, how about we make two? Yeah. We call one each. Yeah, great. Anyway, dictator. We call it modern times. I've got another thing, Alistair, right,

that I'll start pitching to you while you're writing down and hopefully you can jump aboard, right? It's like you know how there's a rule or there's this, what's it called, like duty of care or something. If you see somebody get injured, it's good to have a basic standard of first aid so that you can help them. We'll see if this idea works. Right. But like, but that's only for if people are injured. Right.

Yeah. Or people are hurt. Like, there's no expectation that if you drive past a pothole in the road, that you'll get out and try and fix that pothole. That's true. At the moment, there's no societal expectation. There's no Good Samaritan thing. There's no, yeah. If you see a fence post

that could use a couple more hammers to be banged back in. Yeah. Those fencing nails, staples. Sure, if you see a hungry bird. There's no expectation that you should go out and you should chew up some food. Outside of your realm of responsibility.

But I wonder if we could introduce an idea that there is now a social pressure or there's a social expectation that you will repair a pothole in a road or you will do minor road maintenance if you drive past something that is broken or damaged. Or a broken window. First on the scene, everybody has a basic standard of glazier glazing skill so they're able to do the first level repairs chipping out the old putty yeah um you know cleaning up the broken glass and maybe preparing the surface with an oil or a bit of sanding or whatever it is so that when the glaziers arrive yeah they're able to tell them what the

situation is and uh at what needs to be done. So it's kind of like a you smelt it, you dealt it kind of scenario. But whereas in that scenario, it would be your job to sort of air out the room. Yeah. Yes. And so social responsibility. Yeah. You're a first responder, okay, and it's just a done thing that you know you have you have a

duty of care you've you you were there you're on the scene okay you and there's a maybe there's a doctor abc but for broken windows or something like that what about like if uh in this scenario like what's what's broken is like uh a business or something like that you go past it's a built business boarding up its windows right you know and it's so if you a business or something like that. You go past, it's a business boarding up its windows. Right. So if you were the first to see that, is it kind of your responsibility to try to get it going again as a shop? Jump in and at least keep it running until they can appoint liquidators

or sell the business to somebody with more skill. Yeah, or it's like it's almost a curse now. It's almost like that thing. It's almost like, you know, like that thing where you, you know, if you wished for the ability to keep regenerating, right? And you cut off your finger, right? You cut off your finger. What if like then two, you know, like your finger grew back, but then a whole other you grew back on the other finger. Out of the tip of the finger. Like that, right?

So then suddenly you've got these things that keep repairing each other too much. Like if a skin cell flakes off you, which it does millions of times a day probably, those all become new versions of you. That's right, yeah. And so this is a metaphor

for what happens when things start breaking down. You do a shit, right? And all the blood cells that have passed through your system have been excreted by the liver. Every single one of those becomes a new you. Yeah, and it comes out. All the new yous are covered in shit. But that shit turns into new yous.

Oh, some of that shit is just shit. Some of the shit. But some of that shit is also turning into carrots and lamb and things like that. So you take a shit and then you're on a huge pile of life, a lot of which is clones of you, but also other animals. Everything has these crazy Wolverine powers. I mean, I'm surprised that when you bite into a carrot,

your mouth doesn't just fill up with carrots, which it does, but then you've got to just start pushing down these huge... You've just got to swallow whole carrots. Because as soon as you damage everything, everyone would be so careful all the time. Because as soon as you damage anything, you end up with two or three or twenty of whatever that thing is. This is a real nightmare, Alistair. A carrot would just come out full carrot. Hopefully.

But then why are you bothering to eat it at all i know i don't know so you don't feel hungry i guess we would eat sort of smaller things that just grapes yeah i guess so but grapes are going to break up into so many parts okay so what's like a corn corn would be great okay just corn kernels i don't know how you get it off the corn cob, though, without making a whole lot more corn cobs. Because the great thing about corn is it just passes straight through your system without being digested. I know, but then how do you end up absorbing?

Well, you can't. You can't absorb anything. All the best you can hope for is to be full of corn and not have more corn cause you to explode and then the exploded you turns into more yous. Because then if you...

It's going to be a nightmare for the world's food system. I know, but it's also going to be great for people who are hungry. I mean, the people who are... Once this gets taken into effect, things are going to crumble pretty fast. And once they crumble, well, then there's going to be multiples of that thing. Yeah.

We're essentially going to become a universal cancer. Yeah. I mean, maybe this is how the Big Bang happened. Through Wolverine healing powers on everything. Yeah, there was like one neutron that decomposed into a proton and electron. And then they just keep, oh, my God. Hey, I'm just putting it out there, guys. Yeah, look, it's possible.

And so what that was was somebody's wish coming true. And that would explain why it all happened so suddenly. Now, all science needs to do is find out who made the wish and who granted the wish. So we've simplified the problem of the origins of the universe, which now have two questions that need to be answered. Who was doing the wishing? Who granted the wish? And once we can answer those, we'll know where the universe came from.

Yeah. And why it was that when there was only one person and one person who could grant wishes, that person chose to wish to have regenerative powers. What would that have meant in context? No, no, they asked for a neutron to have regenerative powers just as it decomposed

into a proton and electron. So, yeah. Look, if there are any physicists listening theoretical physicists who think we might have got to the bottom

of something pretty big please tweet in is this the origin of the universe yeah I always thought about about writing

a a book but it's not like a book book it's like one of those books you just buy and it's like a shitty kind of like

here have this for Christmas kind of thing. And every page is a different like origin for how the universe could have come about. Yeah, great. So it's a coffee table book. Yeah, coffee table, like garbage, like, you know, Christmas book. Whatever, like, you know, it gets one print run. Yeah. I know, but those things can be pretty big,

like the ones that are like photos of dogs underwater or some shit. Yeah, photos of dogs underwater. They sell millions of those. Yeah, yeah, or like here's like 25 quotes on art that will help you become a better artist kind of thing. Yeah, bullshit. I also think, though, that the universal first aid thing that started that stupid regenerative universe thing, which, by the way, isn't a sketch, Alistair.

I don't know how that... You're writing it down like it's a sketch, but I don't see how the regenerative universe is a... Anyway, I'll tell you this. It's closer to being a valid theory for the origin of the universe than it is to being a sketch. I'm putting it in as a sketch. I think origins of the universe are a sketch.

Okay. Because it's got a story. Yep. And it ends in us. That's got to be a happy thing. What a punchline. Not you and me, but, you know. Human kind.

Okay, wait. What was it? It was like universal first aid but, you know. Human kind. Okay, wait, what was that? It was like universal first aid for, you know, yeah, I guess broken windows and stuff, but also buildings that are, or businesses that are shutting down. Relationships, I imagine, that are falling apart. Well, I wonder if, let's say you drove past an empty field. Isn't what's broken there is the opportunity for there to be something better? And so somebody would just, if you see an open field and you have to start repairing the broken future that this thing represents

or could represent. Yeah, so maybe you could just create like one of those like big giant glass pyramids that, you know, they would have in Russia or something like that. Alistair, I think you're right. That is what is missing from all big fields is a giant Russian glass pyramid. Yeah, do you think that's enough sketches for this episode? I think so. I just want to say one last thing.

You know, sometimes, like, you just got lots of memories, you know that? Well, and then occasionally one just floats to the top. And you don't see it for years, but then you just see it. I just had this reminder that I had this dream when I was younger of getting to play in a big empty skyscraper and play hide-and-seek with a bunch of people, like just a huge group of friends. That's great.

How cool would that be? Yeah. Maybe some laser tag or something like that. Laser tag still feels like the coolest thing. Well, it's basically, it's kind of like die hard, really, what you're describing, isn't it? Yeah. But like fun and with your friends.

Yeah, where you don't die. You don't die. Nobody dies. Play hard. Yeah. You can call it play hard. I work hard. I die hard. Yeah. You can call it play hard. I work hard. I die hard.

Do we want to do this listener sketch? Oh, yeah. We've got to do a listener sketch. Because we also have the thing now on Patreon where you can send us three words, and we will come up with a sketch based on those words, right? If you donate $3, we'll custom think, thank you, a sketch based on your three words. And these words come from Finlay on Patreon.

Yeah. And his words were, buy a messiah. So some people have gone with random words. He's gone with sort of a three-word phrase, buy a messiah. I think already it's a poem. It is. It rhymes, which a Messiah. I think already it's a poem. It is. It rhymes, which is great. It rhymes with itself.

By a Messiah. I mean, sort of. That's not what I was saying. It just kind of seems like it evokes something. It does. I picture Silk Road. You're on the Silk Road. You're riding on camels.

You arrive in this kind of like this place. I guess it kind of looks like a, you know, just like a, I mean, look, this is awful. It looks a bit like. Slave trading auction. It looks a bit like a slave trading auction. Yeah, right. But all the people on the block are different messiahs. Yeah, different messiahs.

It did seem like that cradle of civilizations area around the Middle East was the origin of a lot of mythology, a lot of the world's religions came out of there. So it seems like that was probably much like they're also the place where Persian rugs come from. They're also the place where messiahs come from. So if you want a messiah, you can go to some kind of, you know, bazaar or trading post and yeah. You know, I think much like a desert is a sort of a place that you

don't necessarily want to stand on it doesn't seem like that you would create rugs to take you away from from that sensation absolutely right but you also don't want to rest your mind on the nothingness around you so you would also create uh you know a hopeful future yes and so you would you know that it's a perfect breeding ground for messiahs. It makes sense that it is a very fertile religious hotspot. Sand is not fertile for many things. But creativity. For creativity.

It's beautiful. And so that's why it was very much a hot pot, which is, you know, it's not a good word to use because a hot pot is very much a thing that has a lot of water in it. Yes. Hot water, yes, I'll agree with you. I'll allow. And it's also not a place that you normally sort of create things in. It's usually you cook them and then eat them. It's a form of creation.

Eating. Cooking. Cooking. But that's very good. Cookie. But that's very good. Is a sort of a, you know, a Messiah auction in which somebody is reading out the various, the slave connotations of this are making me uncomfortable.

Sure. Well, it's not actually a slave auction. Right. They just, they're just, it's more like a dating, you know, like one of those dating auctions? Yeah. Where... Oh, yeah, okay.

There's an abundance of messiahs. Right. And if you put too many messiahs in one place, then they're just telling each other things. And so there's lots of messiahs there. It's more like a messiah glut. It's a messiah high-pressure system, right? It's a plague. It's a lots of messiahs there. It's more like a messiah glut. It's a messiah high-pressure system, right? It's a plague.

It's a plague, a messiah. And so now they need to be sent off to other parts of the world where some of their visions can be useful. So it's like a charity auction kind of a thing, you know, and rich people are gathered around, and they'll bid on various different ones. Yeah. I quite like the idea of being also able to –

now with the internet, right, there's a lot of people who will custom make things for you to meet your personal needs, right? Sure. You can get somebody to make you a video of something sexy if you have a particular turn on. You send them what you want and they'll film it for you for like a few thousand dollars or whatever you can you could

give them like three words and they would come up with a sketch exactly for three dollars it's that kind of thing right but this but with a religion right so you it's it's a company that will you know you tell us what sort of what your values are, the things that you want to feel better about in the future, the things that you're not willing to change about yourself, but then the things that you would like to change about yourself, and we'll create a belief system based around that, right? Freelance Messiah.

Freelance, yeah. Like an Antosca kind of a thing? Yeah, or like I just picture it's sort of like a graphic designer. Yeah, right. He's just freelance and then at some point somebody needs a religion for whatever and then they kind of give him a vague description of what they want. And then the Messiah has to create this kind of religion for him. The whole structure, the whole, you know, whatever, church.

And then they have this meeting where they're like, actually this is kind of not really what I was wanting. I was thinking it was going to be a bit more like a lot more kind of like curly hair. I thought like everybody should have sort of curly but blonde hair. Yeah, great. And then he goes away and he's like, well, we talked about this in the first meeting and I suggested that and then they said they didn't want that and now I've gone and built that into the entire religion.

Everyone's got straight black hair. And now they're coming and telling me that they want to change their hair. Is there more money for that? Of course not. No. And I'm going to tell him that if there are any changes beyond this, then that's going to change what my quote was. Yeah, and I'm not reprinting the First Testament.

So what I'm going to have to do is I'm going to have to issue a Second Testament with some amendments, but that's going to cause a lot of confusion down the road. So these two books are going to be totally contradictory. And look, hey, it's not my problem. I'm not going to be around to sort this out because good luck to you. I think that's a sketch. I think that's a sketch. Yeah, we did it, Andy. Do you want to take us through the sketches?

Oh, yeah, take us through. Yeah, yeah. Okay, wait. Okay. We got Andy podcast phone line. This is where Andy calls into this podcast phone line, and he pays a dollar a minute. Yeah. Because he's not getting everything that he wants from doing the podcast with me.

And this is within the Two in the Think Tank extended universe. The TTU. Where a lot of our podcast ideas, nay, all of them. Exist. Exist. Co-exist. Which, of course, includes the, what is it, Infinite Worlds Theory? Yes.

And which is this podcast. Repeat your tweet that you did to somebody the other day. Oh, this is the official podcast of the Infinite Worlds Theorem. The Many Universes Theorem. Yeah, many. Something like that. Anyway. Then we got the other podcast is Conversationalist,

whose friend gets pinned up by their other friend and sort of, you know, kind of becomes like a sex worker but for conversation. Yeah. And then their other friend starts treating them poorly just because he's got power over them and he needs him to make them both money for some reason. Yeah. And I think the friend ultimately realizes that they're not actually bringing anything to the relationship, and that's why they become resentful and jealous and ultimately feeds into this toxic thing they've got going. It's really horrible. Yeah. know, a man's want to make out with her, but then he stops himself and he realizes this is not okay because you were, although you have the ancient wisdom and Kung Fu power

and the ability to shoot lasers out that kill sort of huge orbs of pure evil. You're less than five days old. You're less than five days old. And you know what? We need to stop this thing where guys make out with powerful beings like you of such a short mental age. Yeah. Yeah. And that's an interesting... I'll be interested

to see your script, Alistair. No problem. I'll have it on my desk in the morning. Great. Then we've got the dictator who's trying to find more things to put his face on. Is that anything that you simplify it? Yeah. No, that's really good.

And he's just kind of in his room. He's got people working for him and he's like... And then they're bringing him samples of his face on different things. No, no. What about on the pom-pom of a beanie? What about on the face of another man's face? Pom-pom of a beanie. What about on the face of another man's face? So, like, say we have this sculpture of Lemoy Trondescon.

There you go. Our most famous poet. Lemoy Trondescon. Yes, and what's the head of the face? It's obviously the nose. So we'll put your face on his nose, in the middle of his nose. That's beautiful. Maybe we could put your face

also on his eyelids. And on each one of his teeth. It's good, I like it. We could cover your own face in your face. Well, what's the best, what's the most prominent place for my face to be? Clearly on my face. And that way, every time I put my face on something...

There'll be more faces of mine. There'll be more faces. You have to go around and update all the faces with multiple faces of my face. We've got the origin of the universe as a wish between a man and another person. We got the origin of the universe as a wish between a man and another person. Where the wish was to create a regenerative neutron that was splitting.

And then everything splits. I tell you, if anything, this is our most accessible sketch yet. Yeah. And then we got the universal first aid sketch. Yes. Where you have to repair everything that you see. You've got a duty, you know. It's essentially that last episode of Seinfeld.

Yeah. With the Good Samaritan law, but... It's an expanded version. It's an expanded version of, like, well, it's not actually the episode. I mean, it's kind of that law, but that law applies to all things. Yes. Anything that you can even conceive of in any way being broken I mean, it's kind of that law, but that law applies to all things. Anything that you can even conceive of in any way being broken, it's now your responsibility to... Yeah. And also there's thought crime police who...

Who get you if you don't do it. Get you if you don't do it. But also some would say that this vision of society is in itself broken. Well, someone's going to fix it. Someone's going to fix someone's you would be now responsible for fixing and also i'd be responsible because you told me and then you could ensnare people like that yeah but but then clearly your friendship would be broken and so then you have you go around ensnaring people but then to repair society you would and then in that

sense have to become rebels right like fighting to take down you know if that's your duty it is like if you see a problem with the world around you you do have a moral obligation to fix and if that what that problem is is the very structure of society yeah you can understand why people would resort to sort of violence well no i don't think you could do that i think you just go fix it all right maybe you could resort to violence. Well, no, I don't think you could do that. I think you would just go fix it. Oh, right. Maybe you could resort to violence, but that would only lead to... Well, what are the tools?

What are the other tools that you have for fixing society, Alistair? Violence? Name one other thing you can do. Like, society is just some words on a paper. You could just go change the words. Oh, right. With violence? I don't know.

I guess most of you could try and use a knife to write there's a guy who's tied a pen at the end of his sword now I have both powers now nothing can defeat me it's like when you combine the stones of the infinity gauntlet that's one for the weekly planet fans if I stones of the Infinity Gauntlet. That's one for the weekly Planet fans. Yeah.

If I know what the Infinity Gauntlet is, which I'm not sure that I do. But there are a bunch of stones. You get them together and their powers combined make an all-powerful thing. No, like Dragon Ball. Yeah. So the sword and the pen, who's going to stop you? That's right. Yeah.

This is the most powerful thing in the world, in the universe. And then freelance messiah. It's just a messiah who's, you know, for rent. Yeah. I suppose he's the son of God or something like that. I suppose he could be the son of God or he could just be, you know, he's a guy who thinks about the future. A messiah is just sort of like an ancient futurist.

Yeah. But like kind of with like a social, like a sociologist. An ancient, what do you call those people who do like not-for-profit social enterprise? That's right, ancient social enterprise. Entrepreneur. And he's had to create a new religion for somebody. And they're kind of, you know, kind of not telling him exactly what they want in the way and then they kind of change their mind once

they see how it's going to turn out. So that is That is two in the think tank for this week. And as always, we'd like to thank you for listening to the show. And you know what? The show gram, as I like to call it. The show gram is definitely what he likes to call it. He won't shut up about it behind the scenes.

And there are scenes. Because it's a show in the two in the think tank extended universe. A show gram. Show gram. I have been at stupidoldandy on Twitter. And I have also been at alistartb on Twitter. And we're both at 2andtank. On Twitter.

You can, anytime you want to contact us, contact us on there or on Facebook. Send us a like. Yeah, or you can contact us on the Patreon. I think if you pledge some money, they give you the right to contact us. It's a bloody inside line, mate. That'll go straight into Al's email account. Yeah, it goes straight to my email account, and then I'll see it. And then I won't respond immediately, but it'll play on my mind for days.

And then eventually I'll get back to you. days and then eventually I'll get back to you. If what you really want out of this is your message to be playing on Al's mind for a long period of time, then Patreon is definitely the only way to get that effect. Yeah, absolutely. Because Twitter, he'll just reply or he'll

like it or something and he'll forget about it. But to plague him and make him feel bad, patreon.com forward slash tointank. in tank yeah and we're part of the planet broadcasting network with a whole bunch of really great podcasts and i'll tell you what we love you this podcast is part of the planet broadcasting network visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates it's not optional you have to do it

we used to go easy on it but now you have to yeah yeah