Two In The Think Tank - 12 - "Ripley's Eat It Or Don't"

Episode Date: July 12, 2013

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Take my Arnie down to the supermarket to buy a bunch of peas. Hi. Hey. I started feeling really awkward straight away when you started rapping. Yeah? Yeah. But I like that we did that. I think you're a good man to have in my corner, Al.

Yeah? Yeah. Like, as in, do I make you feel awful about things? Yeah. And you back me up right up until the point when you stop wanting to back me up. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You probably back me up more by stopping, actually. Well, that's kind of what I was...

I thought... Friends don't let friends rap. But especially when it's like... Because what happens with all of us who don't rap is that we go for that one rhythm that all kind of non-rappers go for, which is like, which doesn't sound like actual rapping from anybody who knows what they're doing. So I feel embarrassed for the world of rapping. Do you think I embarrassed the world of rapping? Well, you didn't, Andy. Do you think you made it proud?

And so if we eliminate that possibility, most of the other possibilities involve embarrassment. I don't think the world of rapping gives a fuck. Yeah, well, that's fine. I think the world of rapping gives a fuck. Yeah, well, that's fine. I think the world of rapping's probably self-confident enough that it can withstand my lack of creativity with rhythm. That's cool. Sometimes I'm quite good with rhythms, though.

Yeah? You know, like making up little rhythms. Do you think you got flow? I wouldn't go so far as to say that I have flow. Well, then maybe you should become a drummer. I definitely wouldn't go so far as to say that I should become a drummer. Next time, I'll just let you do the beat. That's definitely not a good idea. Why? Alistair, you're painting me into a corner here where I'm going to have to admit that I'm not good at anything. Andy, you're good at lots of

things. Thank you. People really like you. Oh, that's nice. And your skills. Yeah? Yeah. How do they feel about my rapping? Oh, they haven't mentioned it. Oh. So that could be either good or bad. Well, let's treat it as good.

Although after everybody listens to this episode... They will have heard it. And I'm sure you'll get some feedback. We'll collapse that waveform and we'll know. True. But at the moment, it's both good and bad, your rapping. Yeah. Except for my reaction.

If we don't count me as a person, which I think a lot of people don't. Yeah. We're fine. Yeah. Cool. So welcome to Two in the Think Tank. This is episode 12. Episode 12. I think I laughed at people who had listened to 12 episodes.

So congratulations to you guys. You're both really funny. Guys, this is where we actually have a special prize for the people who've listened to all 12 episodes so far. So well done for getting through it. All those other 11 episodes, that was a joke. Yeah, this one is the first real one. This is the first real one, and we're going to be taking it a lot more seriously from now on.

Well, of course, from now on, it's actually serious. We were just joking around before, which is not the way to approach any kind of comedy podcast. No, it's not. It's a serious business. Yeah, it's making a joke of comedy. But that was sort of what it was. It was like a satire on a podcast. We were just pretending to be two guys. That's sort of what it was. It was like a satire on a podcast. We were just pretending to be two guys. That's sort of the joke.

We're two guys who pretend like we're having a... How ridiculous would it be if you were just another pair of comedians making a podcast where all they have to do is talk?

Yeah. Yeah. It's the... It's the Damien... We're the Damien Hursts of podcasts. Who's he again? He's that artist

who produces, like, just endless reproductions of very, very similar things. He does those spinning wheels with paint all over them. Did he do the diamond skull? He did the diamond skull and stuff as well. A lot of the time, the joke is that it's art. Look at this thing I've done. How ridiculous is it that I'm doing this? Our joke is that it's art. Look at this thing I've done. How ridiculous is it that I'm doing this? Right. Our joke is that this is comedy. And how ridiculous is it that I'm charging

$300 million for this diamond skull? How ridiculous is that? Anyway, imagine if I did that, which I am doing it. You don't have to imagine. It'll be even funnier. If one of you guys buys it, it'll be even funnier. Yeah. Although I don't think he uses the word funnier. If one of you guys buys it, it'll be even funnier. Although I don't think he uses the word funnier. I think he uses the word relevant and artistic. Two words. But he means funny. Art has another language.

You've got to be art literate. And meaningful and relevant means funny. You have a sense of humor. Can you have a sense of art? Year? Art year? Art year. I have a sense of humor. Can you have a sense of art? Year? Art year? Art year. I have a sense of art year. And I'm from Europe.

Art year. Art year. Is that a thing that happens in Europe where they put Y's where they don't belong? Yeah. They put a... This is a game of Jeopardy, and they go, and it's like, I'll take geography, and they go, okay, for $200, we put a Y where it doesn't belong. Am I Europe? What is Europe? What is the dominant characteristic of the peoples of Europe? And then there's just like photos of people with like just the letter

Y in fireplaces and sort of under their armpits. An x-ray? A doctor puts an x-ray up on one of those screens and there's like a Y lodged in between somebody's ribs. Or they've got like a wishbone that you would have in a chicken. I would have one in a chicken. Yeah, but they have it in a regular person. Oh, that wishbone. Chickens being irregular people. From my lofty position of being...

Sorry, I wasn't listening. That's really funny. They're some of the least regular people. What would you say for your book? Hardly seems relevant now. Yeah, well... I don't think anything matters anymore. I have that, I have that. Well, relevant in terms of, it seems irrelevant now in terms of in language, in art speak,

which would be not funny in comparison. Yes, yes. Yeah, sure. But from my lofty position of being a vegetarian, Looking back now on wishbones, that's pretty macabre, isn't it? What does macabre mean? Sort of grim and, like, a bit sadistic. I suppose it does.

I mean, like, if a bigger animal was doing it to humans, do you think they would use the sort of... The pelvis. Yeah, the pelvis and then the legs? Or you would just tear... You'd have the legs still attached. I think you'd just take a whole human, because if you take our legs, you would just grab one leg and the other leg, and you'd tear them apart, and whoever ends up with more of the torso, their wish comes true.

Oh, so, yeah. The other person just ends up with a bit of a leg. Because I think it's like one of the hip, the ball... Fortunately, the thing that I wished for was a big bit of torso. So, in that sense, it has come true. Yes, I'm a very lucky monster. But then the guy with the torso, I'm guessing they're going to eat it. I hope so.

Otherwise, that's just cruel. That's very wasteful. Wasteful. Do you think our rib bones to a giant would sort of be like those tiny bones in a salmon steak that would just get stuck in your mouth? So irritating. Yeah. And I think it would be very irritating. So I think that's why it's good not to eat us, giants.

If there are any giants listening. First of all, thanks for tuning in. With your giant ears. Your giant iPhones. Your giant iPhones. Your giant... Giant iPods. They would. Apple is...

You know, they say Apple's the biggest company in the world. Well, there you go. They're always looking for new markets. Yeah. The giants. Yeah. You could sell a lot of really small iPhones, or you could just sell one really big one

and make the same amount of money. Yeah, well, you know. Probably goes the other way, actually. Yeah. That's a little... What was the rap about before? I went down to the supermarket with my auntie to buy a bag of peas. Yeah.

Now I kind of want to know what happens next. Well, you'll never know because you cut me off. No, but I mean, did you... How many moves ahead do you rap? Is it like a game of chess for you? Were you already like three sentences down the road? I was already working on my third album by that point of the rap. And I'm not going to get to hear any of it.

You're not going to get to hear any of it. What was the first album called? Fingers in Many Pies. Yeah, all right. So is that where you guys were? Were you guys making some kind of a vegetarian? Every one of the raps was going to be about a different type of pie.

But also the whole journey on making it. So you were buying the peas with your aunt. Yes. So there's a bit of an emotional voyage. Family is very important to me, and I try to bring that out in my rap. Yeah. Cool.

Or I was going to try and bring that out in my rap, but my career ended. Yeah, really. Almost as soon as it had begun. Well, you know, this could be a... You know, at the moment, there's a bit of buzz about you coming back on the scene with a hip-hop album, I feel. A bit of buzz.

There's a bit of buzz. Can you hear it? It's just the compressor across the road. Oh, yeah. I thought that was people hyping up your next album. It's just a compressor across the road. Look, I don't think... You people hyping up your next album. Yeah. It's just a compressor across the road. Look, I don't think... You know, it's all about how you look at things. People talk about positivity.

You can find positivity even in the hum of a compressor from across the road. Yeah, you're right. If you chose to include that, treat that compressor hum as buzz around your new album... You'd be more motivated to work on your album, right? There's a lot of buzz around your new album. You'd be more motivated to work on your album, right? There's a lot of buzz around your new album. Yeah, yeah, man, everyone's really keen to hear it.

No, I mean, like, it's been terribly produced. There's a lot of static. Did you have a compressor in the background? Is that... Yeah, definitely. It was my muse. Yeah, definitely. It was my muse.

A lot of people's muses aren't like sort of electrical equipment. Yeah, a lot of people's aren't. Yeah, a lot of people. I thought it was just a few, but now that we've started to talk about it, I'm realizing more and more that almost everybody's muse isn't electrical equipment. Yeah, and the bigger the piece of electrical equipment, the less emotional attachment people have to it. Do you find? Yeah.

Because, you know, people are like really attached to their phones and stuff like that, but a robotic arm in a factory? Very few people have that much emotional attachment to it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, maybe a Japanese person? I don't want to stereotype,

but don't you think... Japanese people aren't electrical equipment, Alastair. No, no, no, but I mean, don't you think one Japanese person

might be really attached to a... Robotic arm? A robotic arm somewhere. They sound like they're a new cyborg that's being developed. Yeah. A third arm wouldn't be bad like coming out your back that kind of lurches over your head this was my

argument against intelligent design right yeah because my i was thinking right okay so humans as distinct from other animals and i know you don't like me trying to distinguish humans from animals but that's cool because you think that we're closer to the angels. Yeah. We're at least high enough close to the angels that we can look up their dresses and see that there's nothing there. Oh.

That's pretty good, isn't it? Oh, well, that's good. What was I going to say? Angels don't wear underwear. No. Like, okay. But you were talking about what distinguishes us from other animals. Oh, yeah.

I was going to say that because like we use tools, right? But other animals, some other animals do use tools. So like a, a gorilla, right,

might use a stick to open a coconut. Really? Or something. Yeah, sure. But we, as humans, the leap that we've made is that we can combine two things and then work on them with a tool. So, like, we could get a coconut and tie, we could get a, you know, a bit of rock

and get a bit of stick and tie the two together. Okay. Okay, so we can, you tie the two together. Okay. So we can combine things. And that would be a lot easier if we had three arms. And I think that if we'd been intelligently designed to be creatures that combine things, put things together, synergize, then we'd have three arms. God. So because you've got to, let's say, to tie a rope, to tighten the rope, you need to have two hands.

Yeah. But then you can't hold on to the coconut at the same time. That's right. And so if we were intelligently designed, we would have an arm that comes over our backs. Over our backs. Over our heads. Maybe just extends out of the middle of our chest when we need it to.

No, but I think that join there, that sternum join, doesn't seem like it's that sternum. Maybe we'd have a trunk. We'd just have a prehensile trunk. The best place would be, like, okay, so it comes out from, like, sort of just below your neck. Yep. Right? On the side?

No, no, no, no. Straight back, right? And the joint, like, it would go straight back, but it kind of could, like, lean down. It would go down like your regular arm, right? And then the arm, though, would come up above your head. Over. Okay?

And then you would just have it there, and you would just hold things, and then you could just work. Work on them. Yeah, just work on them. So it's like, you know, it's almost like that thing. We could hold our own piñata. Exactly. Yeah.

And think of all the time we would save and how many... Hanging piñatas. A few people would fall off of ladders, you know? Yeah. Like, in some parts of the world... A lot more people would get beaten in the heads with sticks, but a lot less people would fall off ladders. Yeah. And I think that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

So you think that people would hit themselves with sticks? Well, they're blindfolded, so yes. Yeah. I don't think that's a good place for the arm to come out. I think it should just come out underneath one of the other arms. And it could be quite a small arm. No. For fine work, for fine details.

It's for, like, you know, working on... It's small. We'd have really for, like, you know, working on... No, we would have really pointy little... Maybe even little claws. Our hands are already set up for fine detail. We need a bulkier sort of, like, just a load-bearing hand. Oh, a lifting arm. Yeah, it's a lifting arm. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, if we had robotic arms, they'd probably come out of our back. Like, sort of like, you know, the octopus, Dr. Octopus? Dr. Octopus. Yeah. I know, sort of like Dr. Octopus. Dr. Octopus. I know sort of like Dr. Octopus. Yeah. I know what you mean. Anyway. Yeah. Anyway, that's our suggestion. Where the third arm should go. That's the nature of the podcast now, now that we've started to take it seriously.

Yeah. It's no longer trying to come up with sketch ideas. It's just suggestions to the divine. We try to come up with five suggestions. Yeah, I think that's good. Third arm coming out of the back. Suggestion number one. Is any of the stuff that we've already mentioned a potential sketch? I don't think so, no. What about...

Something about my rap career? Oh, yeah, maybe. I mean, I would love to see your rap career. We could make a movie like I'm Not There or no, what's the, what's the, what's the one that was based on that? I'm Still Here. The Bob Dylan one? No, no, no. The, the one with Joaquin Phoenix. Oh yeah. I'm Still Here. Yeah. I'm Still Here. Is it I'm Not There, the Bob Dylan one? Yeah. Okay. So I'm Still Here. I think it was Joaquin Phoenix. Yeah.

I think it was about his rap career. Yeah. But we could make a good version of that. You should have already got your beard going a bit. I do. We just got to get you a Letterman spot. I mean, I don't know why we have to follow the same path as him. He didn't... Well, it's been established.

I think he made the model and we just need to follow that. That's right. He really trailblazed that one. He did. Yeah. The disappointing white rap movie. Mold was very much set by Joaquin. Yeah, I mean, we could follow the Eminem one, but of course he was already a successful

rapper by the time he made it. I'm not interested in that. We're sort of gambling that throughout this film you're going to become a really good rapper. Because that's kind of what the whole movie is sort of... Yeah. What's the word? Based on, gambling on...

Is presupposed upon. Presupposed upon. Presupposed upon. Yeah. Presupposed upon. I'm going to use that in one of my raps. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Man, I'm fucking... Oh, no, you said it, didn't you? I thought I gave it to you. You can't have it back? No, it's fine. First person who does it on TV gets to keep it. Okay. That's my saying that I say to comedians and everybody.

If we come up with a joke together, first person to do it on TV gets to keep it. Wow. And I try to say it as fast as I can. First person to do it on TV gets to keep it. Yeah, and if you say it really, really quickly, then that means that you've got more time to focus on developing your TV career.

You don't have to worry about, you know, finishing that means that you've got more time to focus on developing your TV career. You don't have to worry about, you know, finishing the sentence because you've already started working on your TV career. And then you're ahead of everyone else who's still just trying to work out what you said. Yeah, I try to make it as unlistenable as possible. Whenever I talk to other people in the comedy community, I just try and leave them with a feeling of bafflement. And they spend a lot of time trying to work out what the fuck has just happened. And that's time when I'm getting ahead. Yeah. And they spend a lot of time trying to work out what the fuck has just happened. Yeah. And that's time when I'm getting ahead. Yeah. I'm getting a lot ahead.

Oh. Yeah. You don't feel good about that? No, I feel fine about it. Do you think? I'm actually really supportive. I'm a good guy to have in your corner. Yeah.

Yeah. It's true that you are like that. Yeah. Even when you're not around, I'll just look after your corner. Keep it clean. And you're really bad at pairing yourself up with people. Yeah. You would hope that they would be really supportive.

But I think at the same time, you're in a good place because you pair yourself up with somebody who makes you feel good about your skills by comparison to them. That's absolutely what's going on here. Yeah? Yeah, always. 100% of the time. I'm just constantly comparing myself to this person whoever they may be and finding myself

not wanting we've got to come up with a sketch idea ok, alright it's a company that designs motorbikes and they've built the first motorised unicycle and built the first motorised unicycle. Yeah.

Okay. And also the second motorised unicycle. Oh, my God. So they've got two motorised unicycles. And then they've got people riding them around in the testing area. But there's a crash. There's a terrible crash. Yeah.

And the two motorised unicycles become fused together and form one motorcycle. Yeah. And it's... That's how the motorcycle was born. That's how the motorcycle was born. That's not a sketch. No? Well, I don't know.

I don't see. I think the problem with a motorised unicycle is you have to do that thing where you drive it forward and then back and forward and back. Yeah. What do you do with it? I have seen people just riding, like, consistently forwards back and forward and back. Yeah. I have seen people just riding like consistently forwards on a unicycle. You know that thing in that episode of South Park

called It or whatever where Mr. Garrison invents that like that new form of transport. Oh yeah, where it goes in the button. I think those things actually like exist. Like there are those things where you can sit inside a wheel and it just drives around.

Yeah, I saw it on Ripley's Believe It or Not. Really? Yeah. I don't believe you. Yeah, no, there was a guy who wanted to design one and then he did. I still don't believe it. And then he drove it around. Oh, wow.

Yeah, and he would just sit in it and it's a wheel. That's a miracle of science. Yeah, actually, but I don't think there was any sort of any butt penetration or anything like that, like in the South Park. I also don't believe that. Yeah, no? Yeah. I believe that what you saw on Ripley's Believe It or Not probably did include butt penetration, but didn't include a single wheeled vehicle. So I'm sceptical of everything you're telling me. Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

But I do accept that it was probably on Ripley's Believe It or Not. Because you've got to believe something. You've got to believe in something, Alistair. You can't just go questioning everything about the world. Because then where are you at? Exactly. You've got nothing. You're empty.

So could it be a sketch about a guy who doesn't believe anything except for one thing in every conversation? It'd just be one of those one-joke sketches, but basically somebody says something, and then he says, ah, da-da-da-da, whatever you just said. And then at the end he goes, but you've got to believe in something.

You've got to believe in something. Okay, I like the guy or someone who says you've got to believe in something. Yeah. But I don't know about any of the other stuff. I don't believe in any of the other stuff that you just said. No. But you've got to believe in something.

But you've got to believe in something, don't you? A guy who says you've got to believe in something. Yeah. That's the thing I believe in. Well, maybe, look, because I had laughed at what you said. Yeah. That's probably makes it a sketch. Yeah?

Yeah. Ripley's Believe It or Not. We don't care, mate. We just put it out there. Okay? Yeah. I don't give a shit whether or not you believe it. Yeah. We don't care, mate. We just put it out there. Okay? Yeah. I don't give a shit whether or not you believe it. Yeah.

That's not our problem. Okay? It's an interesting story. Yeah. It's funny. There's a freak in it. This guy's got an arm coming out of his back. Yeah.

There's the other guy sitting in a wheel. This guy, two motorbikes crashed together. Right. Unicycles fused into one. Don't care if you believe it. I couldn't give a damn. Believe it or not. I don't believe in anything.

Except for this. Except for... And that I don't care. That's the only thing I believe in. That I don't care whether or not you believe in anything that I have to tell you. Ripley's interested in this or couldn't give a fuck. Yeah. That's another one they've done.

Ripley's watching or asleep. Alright, so it's the... The Ripley's Empire. Ripley's Empire. Empire. Ripley's delicious or tastes like a rubber tyre. Oh, Empire, Empire, but... I don't know what the... The guy... rubber tyre. Oh, Empire, Empire. But, uh...

I don't know what the... The guy... I'm interested to see how you summarise this, Alistair. Yeah, the guy who doesn't give a shit. What do you believe? He's just putting out TV shows. Right. And it's just,

the guy doesn't give a shit. Believe it or not just happened to be one that like captured the public imagination. Ripley's eating an apple or isn't? That one didn't quite

get it off the ground. Ripley's fishing or just fucking about in a boat? I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't give a fuck. Not my problem, mate.

I'm Ripley. The guy doesn't give a shit. That's the whole thing. You get to meet Ripley. Get to meet Ripley. And he's, uh... Oh, he's loose. Oh, boy, is he.

Getting loose. Getting loose. I've been thinking about that expression yeah so what does it mean it's just like just getting loose oh man i'm just like is it is it like you're like you're getting loose see i've always pictured as like you're loose you're like sort of loose jointed and you're just like flopping around the place but maybe it's like you're getting loose in terms of like you were chained up like a dog and then you broke loose I'm getting loose and then you're free and also possibly floppy

the fact that you thought that it was floppy that somebody who's usually like a dickhead who's like starting to act out yeah

like you know just like getting a bit crazy or just doing things that are inappropriate the fact that your brain told you oh I'm doing inappropriate things like a guy who's like double jointed just getting a bit crazy or just doing things that are inappropriate. The fact that your brain told you,

it's like, oh, doing inappropriate things, like a guy who's double-jointed. Double-jointed and really floppy. Believe it or not, mate. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. I find that weird. But no, I think it's just like a guy who's being a bit of a cunt.

Oh, really? Maybe, yeah. He's just like, oh, he's just doing things. He starts yelling in stores. Obnoxious, really, is what we're talking about. Re Maybe, yeah. He's just like, oh, he's just doing things. He starts yelling in stores. Obnoxious, really, is what we're talking about. Yeah, obnoxious, maybe. Is that getting loose? I thought getting loose was kind of like a,

might be even like a kind of fun thing to do. Oh, maybe it could be. But I think you don't say it when you start doing more socially acceptable things. I think it's when you're having more fun and maybe it's at the expense of someone. Oh, dear. It doesn't have to be at the expense of someone, but you know the way that something will bother you a little bit?

Yeah. Do you know about that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A mild bother. Yeah. Well, that's still at your expense, right? Like a light drizzle. Like, you know, you're the one paying for that with light bother.

Mm-hmm. You know, so let's say I'm going, Woo! Yeah! Come on! Mm! Ah! Mm!

Ah! Like that. That's you getting loose? Yeah, that's me getting a bit loose. I find that, I did find that kind of bothering. Yeah, a little bit. I was lightly bothered.

So, I was doing that at your expense. I was a lightly bothered slice of toast. Nothing comes for free. You can't go, Woo! For free. Somebody can't go, woo, for free. Somebody has to pay for it, but with light bother. What about somebody who invents

a new type of butter called bother? And then they can release one called light bother. Yeah, right. And, uh, let's see, a bother. And then if I start going woo, then he pays for it.

Yeah. With light bulb. Let's invent a new currency. Okay. All right. So. What do we need? Well, first of all, you're going to need a bank.

I don't know. You need a place to keep it. Oh, and let's not worry about that right now. Okay, Jesus. I'm getting too far ahead. I feel like, hang on, have we already done this in an episode of the podcast? Try to invent a new currency? No, I doubt it. You sure?

Look, Andy, I would remember. I don't know. What about that time when we had two sketches about a Mongolian barbecue? Yeah, I know. We didn't remember until months later. Well, look, this has not happened on the podcast, but we've definitely come up with two sketches that involve Mongolian... Oh, no, we had one sketch on the podcast that involved the mongolia and then we realized we'd realized

about a year earlier we tried to write a sketch and a lot of it involved a mongolian barbecue it was a guy who every year his friends bring him to a mongolian barbecue and they go what do you want to order and he goes they don't want it and they go why do you do this what do you want to order? And he goes, they don't want it. And they go, why do you do this? Why do you bring us every year? Chris, you make us come to this Mongolian barbecue on your birthday.

Why? He goes, because I'm an alien. And that's the sketch. Well, the sketch was called Chris is an Alien. And I think,

yeah, that's right. And we told people what it was called before we did the sketch. called Before we did the sketch And then we did the sketch And at the end he was an alien Why don't you want some of that Mongolian beef and noodles?

Well, I thought it was something else Why do you do this every year, Chris? You bring us this Mongolian barbecue You sit us down You tell us you don't want what's available Well, I thought it was something else. Anyway, you've got the point. Yeah.

Goddammit, we're only one sketch in, Andy. Oh, sorry. We've got to come up with a sketch that doesn't involve Mongolian barbecue. It's... Yeah. Okay. What about those people who talk about there are only, like, seven stories in the world? Yeah.

Right? Okay. And there's someone giving a presentation about this. Yeah. And he's listing off the different types of stories. And then the last, he does three, and then the last four all take place in a Mongolian barbecue. Yeah. And he'd look like a lunatic.

Well, what if he said there was only seven stories in the world, right? And he goes, okay, earlier today, I went down to the shop and I got a, some double brie. Yeah. Right? And I came back home and I ate the whole lot.

Right? Yeah. That's actually one of the stories. Now, there's only six other stories in the world. Right? Now,

you've probably seen Star Wars. Well, that's another one. Yep. All right? And how many Star Wars movies were there? There's six of those. All right. So, that's another one. Yep. All right. And how many Star Wars movies were there? Six of those.

Six of those. All right. So that's all the stories that there are. Six Star Wars. And they want to make three, but they're not going to be able to unless they buy my story about the double brief. It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything.

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Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. I've been negotiating with Walt Disney at the moment. Yeah, Walt Disney. Walt. I've actually, I said put Walt in the line. I said get me Walt. Yeah. I won't talk to anyone else. They def the line. I said, get me Walt. Yeah.

I won't talk to anyone else. They defrosted Walt. Yeah, they got him. And I was talking to him, and basically all I could hear was just this slow plinking noise of something returning to room temperature. But I think I talked him down.

No, they got my price down. The plinking noise. I'm not a good negotiator. I'll accept it. To be honest, I folded. I'm giving him a hundred bucks for my story. Take it. Just take it off my hands, Walt. I've heard you plink enough. That's the thing about Walt, though. He was just an amazing businessman. I mean, sure, he was a creative genius, and he was artistic, very artistic. Yes.

But mostly, he was just a skillful negotiator, and that's still with him. Haven't 150 years passed since then. I mean, it's not been 150 years, but I wouldn't be surprised if they re... If he's still plinking? He's still plinking. He's still pulling off some impressive deals. Also, there was the slight whir of the compressor in the background of the refrigeration unit. Oh, of course.

And for some reason, refrigeration units, I choose to interpret that as a really convincing negotiation. Anyway, so now there's seven stories. There's seven stories for Star Wars, and all of them are the stories. Oh, shit, I didn't wrap that up very well. But there you go. But there you go. Not a good storyteller, not a good negotiator, eh?

Why did you come to this university? I don't know. I don't know. I suppose you guys are really bad at choosing universities. Oh, well, story of my life. Story of, oh. Oh, there we go. Which is also the story of the second

Star Wars movie. Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm Lando Calrissian. Good night. Good night. Anyway, so do your homework, and I'll see you guys next month. Cheers. Cheers. You can all go now. Do your homework.

I'll see you guys next month. I like that guy. I don't know if there's a sketch in him. You don't think there's a sketch? He's a guy. He's like the Joseph Campbell at a university who's talking about story structure. Yeah, actually, no, there is something in that, isn't there? And Joseph Campbell was actually highly involved in the making of Star Wars.

I think George Lucas was in talks with him when he was talking about it, with his book about the hero with a thousand masks. So there's a few facts for you. Really? Yeah. What's the hero with a thousand masks. So there's a few facts for you. Really? Yeah. What's the hero with a thousand masks? That's John Campbell describing... Joseph Campbell.

Joseph Campbell. John Campbell. John Campbell. John Campbell Cambo. Yeah, John Campbell Cambo. Cambo. Yeah. Yeah.

So he describes the hero's journey, which is, I think, an age-old tale that appears in many... Oh. Many... It's a recurring motif. It's a recurring motif, yeah, and I think maybe Jesus did it, and Luke Skywalker, and... Jesus did it. He did it. That was the path that he went.

Classic hero. And, of course, the lecturer from that sketch that we just had. Although, I don't know if it's going to be one of the official sketches. Let's write it down. Yeah, I think so. We'll write it down, okay. We've got people coming around.

We can't afford to be too picky. So there's... But I'll tell you what, we'll give you a bonus sketch at the end. It'll be great. And they all now are owned by Disney. In the world. What about somewhere where they try and come up with new stories?

So, like, maybe Disney has, like, a sweatshop or something. Maybe Disney has a sweatshop or something. Or a mine where they're digging for new story ideas. Or a spaceship. But it's like trying to come up with a new color. So you look at all the stories and you go, what's one of the actual story structures in real life? Boy Meets Girl. Boy Meets Girl? Is that just a story? I real life? Oh, boy meets girl.

Boy meets girl? Is that just a story? I've got no idea. Oh, for fuck's sake. We're awful. We're talking about this. They say, write what you know, and we're just... We're clearly in the wrong area. We set out into the unknown. Yeah, and here we are, and now...

Barely any supplies. Barely any supplies. Let's do a science fiction sketch. Okay. Set on maybe a spaceship. I thought about something about a comic that I could make. Yeah. Like a style of comic called a high concept, right?

Yeah. And it's where you make sci-fi type comics or sketches, right? Yeah. But they're so high concept. It's like taking the idea of Inception and The Matrix and then adding some time travel in there. And cloning and alternate realities. Fantastic. Yep.

Paradoxes. Paradoxes. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Paradoxes. Paradoxes. Red Rotten Center. Yeah. Tricks of the mind. Like, you know, philosophy. Yep. Cyborgs and robots and advanced technologies.

Oh, robots. Mind control. Yeah. Oh, have you ever seen Ghost in the Shell? Yep. That's in there as well. That's in there. Ghosts.

Shells. Yeah. Hackers. People who hack into brains. all that cyberpunk stuff. All that. Yeah. No, that's a big thing. I don't know if you know anything about anything, but this has got a thing.

That's a thing. Yeah, that's a big thing. Yeah, yeah, okay. So let's come up with the highest concept sketch. Okay, so the guy is a... He's a robot. He's a time-travelling clone hunter. Okay, time-travelling clone hunter. Okay.

Time-travelling clone hunter. Yeah. Great. But he was... He doesn't know this, but he's also... He's a robot. He doesn't know he's a robot, but he is a robot. He's a robot who, at the end, finds out that he's been dead the whole time.

Okay. He's been switched off. Yeah, he's been dead the whole time. Okay. He's been switched off. Yeah, he's been switched off and his consciousness only exists in the Matrix. Oh, this is all a simulation. Yeah. Okay, but the simulation started in the future and then was sent back in time. Oh my God.

To before the simulation started. Yeah. And everybody in that time, okay, they were all assimilated and turned into, like, and their consciousness were also downloaded into there. Because that's the only place where you can get authentic olden day people. Yeah. Right. Is by going back in time and just downloading their consciousness.

It's a model. It's a computer model. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And he's looking for one of these time-traveling clones. Mm-hmm. And he's looking for one of these time-travelling clones. And he meets himself. Okay. But the himself that he meets, okay, is just like a businessman in today's world.

Yeah, he was a flesh-and-blo blood businessman before he was made into a robot. Exactly. And... A robot clone, which he doesn't know that he is. Yep. He thinks he's flesh and blood. Yep. Because that's how good the robotics are, these things, that they actually are all organic material.

Yep. Yep. Correct. Okay. But then I think he has to go to another planet Or does he have some kind of Is there some kind of philosophical dilemma

With meeting himself and finding out that he was the Does he Like the guy that he meets himself Was he his target? Was that not his target? Yeah So he himself that he meets Is actually a clone of another guy

So he was already a clone The he himself was already a clone of someone Who was then replaced by a robot And then And then What happens is People get cloned And then your clone

It's the opposite of like it is in the movie The Island. Your clone then gets to use your organs. Oh. So you've got to stop people from cloning you. Yep. Because your clone's going to come back and use your organs. So that's what they're allowed to do. Yep.

Clones have more rights than regular people. Oh my God. Yep. Okay. And so But it's all happening in a computer Which is inside another computer Which is inside another computer Which is just a dream a guy is having

But that guy is That guy is in an alternate universe which is also a computer. Which is the first computer. One of those ones that's the size of a room. And the businessman that we meet is the son of the guy who invented that computer. Yep. Okay. But he's the son of that guy.

He thinks he's the son of that guy. But then he goes back in time and he realizes that he's that guy. And he actually had sex with his mom to give birth to himself whoa yeah that is high concept it's pretty high right down three sketch three is just high concept we probably could have done that at the start yeah you think so yeah but but i think don't you think that would be really fun? Let's just create three-minute sketches, a bunch of three-minute sketches that are just the most high concept. Yeah, I think that's a really, really good idea.

But I don't know how we would explain it. Would we just have someone explaining it? Like, would it be that bit at the end of the movie where somebody comes in and explains what the fuck has happened? So we could show a short sketch. Yeah. Like a short thing that happens. And then...

It gets the exposition. And so the reason why she died, it turns out that the reason she died was because... Because that's how all good movies end. Yeah. With a voiceover that comes in. And so it turns out the reason that all this stuff happened is as follows. Yeah. Or maybe it could be like a murder mystery type thing.

Yeah. And so it's like a Sherlock Holmes type guy. But he's a robot. Yeah. Who was birthed by, who was created by an alien in an alternate universe. Correct. Correct. Yes.

All right. High concept. I think you have to be high to get that concept. Correct. Yes. All right, high concept. I think you have to be high to get that concept. Yeah. No, we don't do that stuff. I used to, though. And I used to think that you had to be high to be creative. Really?

Yeah. Nor to have any good ideas. Maybe. God, maybe you're right. Well, I mean, the idea is this week. This week, I don't know, we just do this

every couple of days anyway. Every day at the moment. Yeah, every day. Yeah, that's true. Okay. That's good. Yeah. All right, let's not look at this.

Let's not look at the sketch ideas. Let's not look at what we've written down. Yeah, no, no, because we're focusing on the future and then going into the past and then putting it in a computer and then cloning it. Oh. It's a blast from the past.

Okay, what about something with cavemen? Cavemen? Cavemen sketches are always funny. It's a caveman who finds a gun. Okay. A caveman... No, a caveman Makes a gun Yeah

Okay So everyone else Is just sitting around Scratching away Yeah With their bits of stuff Okay And a guy

Makes a gun Like And it looks like It just looks like A really good gun Yeah Like it's an automatic weapon I think it's an automatic

Like a full on Like a AK-47 type of assault rifle type thing? Or like a little Uzi? I think an Uzi, yeah. Because they're slicker. It's more likely that a caveman would come up with an AK-47. But an Uzi... But it's funnier if it's an Uzi.

Yeah, it's tighter. No, but that's what I mean. I think it's funnier if it's an Uzi. Yeah, it's tighter. No, but that's what I mean. I think it's funnier if it's an Uzi because it's less likely. Yeah, precisely. I mean, you could accidentally invent an AK-47, but an Uzi... God knows I have. Yeah, but an Uzi is a tight little package, especially those cartridges with like... Oh, yeah, he invents those too.

Yeah. Okay, so... Maybe someone else invents those just by chance at the same time. And they're like, uh-oh. No, that's too ridiculous. Okay, so... Maybe someone else invents those just by chance at the same time. And they're like, uh-oh. No, that's too ridiculous. Okay, sorry. He just walks in with one. Because he just...

You see him putting the finishing touches on it. And then he clicks the magazine into place. Yeah. And then he walks into a room holding the gun like that. And then somebody goes, what's that? And he goes, I don't know. I don't know. I just built it.

Bang some rocks together for a bit, and then I kind of got this. Yeah. So what have you been working on? Yeah. And then the guy says, I've been squashing this rock. The guy says I've been squashing this rat With this rock The guy puts down the gun

Says well that's pretty cool That's pretty interesting And he goes and he dips his finger And he tastes it And he goes That's gaming And then that's the end of the sketch Yeah Because he doesn't know what the Uzi is So he wouldn't know how to use it that's the end of this.

Yeah. Because he doesn't know what the Uzi is, so he wouldn't know how to use it. Because he's a caveman, he doesn't know about Uzis. Okay, caveman. He doesn't know

how to market it. So what, you think he would want to sell it? They don't have currency. They're barely even considered a civilization. They're just a few humans living near each other. Because there's warmth there. They're only brought together by warmth. They're huddled together for warmth.

They're only huddled together for warmth. And there's fighting all the time. They can hardly live together. You can't really sleep because you don't trust the person who's pressed up against your body for warmth. I think huddling together for warmth is a funny thing. Yeah, that's true. Like, at the first business meeting, there was a whole lot of people working in the same office, and then the air conditioning unit malfunctioned or something, they all had to huddle together for warmth, and that's how the first business meeting happened.

That's the story of the first business meeting. That's the story of Enterprise. That's how companies formed. Which is actually the eighth story. What are some other things that could huddle together for warmth? Like when companies merge, you could refer to it as them huddling together for warmth. Or other things that come together. Bees? Yeah, I think they do huddle together for warmth. Oh yeah, they kind of do.

Okay, things that come together. Like Voltron? Oh, all the components of Voltron were just huddling together for warmth. Sure. Penguins have got an amazing system where they're in the Arctic, Antarctic. There's no penguins in the Arctic. How weird is that? They do really well, you'd think, right?

Yeah. Well, do you think they don't know about the Arctic? I don't think they know. Oh, my God. Penguins don't know about the Arctic. Yeah. I think when they find out about the Arctic, they're going to be kicking themselves, and that's going to be difficult because they've got very short legs. Very short legs. Yeah. I mean, do you think we could bring some penguins to the Arctic? Would that fuck up penguins? Would that fuck up the Arctic? I don't know,

but I think we should definitely give it a shot. I mean, I like the idea of a sketch of a guy who's like, he's kind of like a Jacques Rousseau kind of guy. Jacques Cousteau? Cousteau, sorry. He's like, who was the other guy? Jean-Jacques Rousseau.

I don't know who that is. That's a philosopher who came out talking about... Oh, Rousseau. Rousseau. Anyway. What about Henri Rousseau? Jacques Cousteau, who's like talking about how, you know, it's one of his documentaries. He's talking about the... Oh, Rousseau. Rousseau. Anyway. What about Henri Rousseau? Jacques Cousteau,

who's like talking about how, you know, it's one of his documentaries. He's talking about penguins don't know about the Arctic. So our mission... They've got a little

blindfolded penguin. Yeah. And they take him to the Arctic and they take off the blindfold and the penguin just looks around. And then he just dives in the water

and starts swimming back. Catch him! Don't let him go! Because they're guided by the magnetism. I think this guy who's taken the penguin, he thinks he understands penguins. And he's just like, look at the expression on his face. He cannot believe it. He cannot.

The penguin just wanders off. He's so alone. The beautiful thing is is that we could probably film this in the Antarctic and you wouldn't even be able to tell.

That's right. People, you're layman. Yeah. Can't tell the difference. Can't tell the difference between the Arctic and the Antarctic. I mean a few

a few arctists Arctists. Arctists. Yeah. Are going to be really upset by some of the footage because they're like, there's no glaciers of that size there. Clearly that's the sign for Mawson's Hut in the background.

It's a dead giveaway. Dead giveaway. Especially if we were such bad filmmakers That we would have the sign for Orson's, Morson's Do you think that's going to be an issue? That the sign for Morson's hut is in the background for this? If we have all of McMurdo in this shot McMurdo's Sound

What's that? McMurdo's Sound is like a region of the Arctic Antarctic Antarctic Come on Sorry You just McMurdo Sound. What's that? McMurdo Sound is like a region of the Arctic. Antarctic. Antarctic. Antarctic. Come on. Sorry.

You just... I really like the idea of taking a penguin to the Arctic and taking off his little blindfold. Taking a penguin to the Arctic. Yeah. The thing about penguins... Because they don't know about it He's got no idea We're gonna be the first people In brackets because they don't know about it

And taking All fears Blindfold Blindfold Blindfold I'm embarrassed for me Yeah Sometimes I just i think of the

people listening to me and this is why and why i i experience so much embarrassment i think maybe a lot of embarrassment not so much but like or why i'm so self-conscious is because i start picturing somebody listening to me like even in regular life i don't really like when people are actually listening to me i don't picture them listening to me but it's regular life, when people are actually listening to me, I don't picture them listening to me. But when I start picturing them listening to me, I feel embarrassment. Actual people listening to you, you don't get embarrassed by.

But a hypothetical person that you've made up in your mind, who's listening to you and judging you, you're embarrassed about their reaction. Hypothetical people judge you the worst. I find that hypothetical people can be very cruel. Yeah. And they sometimes get themselves into very unfortunate situations that if they had any

sense, they'd avoid. Absolutely. Hypothetical people. I was going to try to say something about pathetic, but then I got really distracted. About somebody hearing me say that joke, and then they would judge me, and then I got embarrassed. Yeah, so you don't strike me as someone who's, like, embarrassed all the time. Certain things tip me over. Yeah.

Is it me? No, it's not you. I think it was just a moment where I was going, which I actually really like doing. Yeah. The penguin take off his blindfold. Yeah. See, when I own it and I don't think about somebody listening to it,

I can really go, and he looks around. You're really belting that out. He looks and doesn't realize that it is the Arctic. Oh, he doesn't know, but Jacques Cousteau thinks that he does. Oh, the penguin knew the whole time.

But he was pretending because he didn't want to hurt Jacques Cousteau's feelings. He probably noticed, though, when he ate some fish. It would taste a little bit different because it's a different ocean. And the salt content might be different. and the salt content might be different. And the salt content might be different. And the salt content might be different. The fish is literally salty, I hear. Does cold water change the saltiness of things?

Yeah, well, it changes how much salt can be dissolved in something. But I don't think that the salt of the oceans is at saturation point anyway, so maybe it doesn't make any difference. salt of the oceans is at saturation point anyway, so maybe it doesn't make any difference. If you were trying to dissolve salt in the ocean, and you had a whole lot of salt, you could dissolve more salt in the ocean if it was warm than you can if it's cold. Well, that's interesting. Maybe. A little bit of science for everybody? A little bit of science for everybody?

We'll just end the show with a little bit of science there for everybody. I think we're ending the show right now? I think maybe we should end the show. We should probably wrap up the show. Yeah. Because we've already come up with the Ripley's Empire, which is the guy who doesn't give a shit. I was kind of happy with that. Yeah, it's meeting Ripley.

Yeah. I don't give a shit! Believe it, don't believe it! Not my problem! Number two, we've got, there's seven stories in the world, and they all now are owned by Disney. Yeah. Number two, there's seven stories in the world, and they all now are owned by Disney. Because one of them was about the guy going to the supermarket to buy Double Brie, and now it's going to be the plot to the seventh Star Wars film. Or maybe the next three Star Wars films.

They're going to split it up. It's like when they made The Hobbit into three films. We've got Peter Jackson to direct, and he's pretty confident that he can get three movies out of this. They're going to be three hours long each, and then there's going to be seven hours of DVD extras for each one. And him and his graphic, and his 3D modeling company, they're going to make that double brie look fucking amazing. Yes. It's going to be like it was straight out of France, but it's actually going to be out of New Zealand. Yeah, they're going to film it in New Zealand. Of course.

In one of their new worlds. Have you seen going to film it in New Zealand. Of course. In one of their new worlds. Have you seen the double brie in New Zealand? It's breathtaking. Yes. Oh. The vistas. It's just the landscapes there, the double brie landscapes.

The, well, the contrast of the double brie against the New Zealand landscape will be particularly striking. Oh, yeah. Mount Wainui, something like that. I don't know. That's what, yeah. Man, Wah Nooey. Something like that. I don't know. That's what... Sounds like a name of a mountain there. Four. Caveman accidentally invents Uzi

then puts it down because he gets distracted. By a smashed rat. By a smashed rat. And he tastes it and he says it tastes gamey. And also because he doesn't know what the Uzi does.

Yeah. Anyway. And then later on you can go back to them, to that sketch, and then it's just like them doing things, like maybe singing a song and like, oh, the guy's playing the spoons, right? And just the Uzi's just sitting there and it's just, it's making a point of them not... Was the guy smashed the rat with an Uzi? Maybe, maybe later on, but I just like the idea of the many sketches where the Uzi's in shot not being used and they're doing other things, just living their lives.

Okay. I just love the idea of just such advanced technology going unused. Maybe that's what we're doing. It's a comment probably. Absolutely. Probably a comment. Yeah. What about, oh, you could definitely do something with like cavemen and do a fucking comment on mobile phones or something.

And some guy's got a cave painting. And during the conversation, the guy just turns to look at the cave painting while he's talking to another caveman. And the caveman gets really offended. And he's like, oh, come on, man. Are you looking at that cave painting? No. Since cave paintings have come around. I'm just going to check to see if anybody's updated the cave painting.

You see, that kind of sketch, that sounds like the kind of sketch someone would definitely buy. Yeah. You know, like if we were writing sketches for TV, right? And like that's the kind of... No one would buy any of these sketches. Nobody would buy any of these sketches. But I think if we made these, these would be great sketches. Yeah.

Right? We just don't know how to market them. That's the thing, is that people just want a simple concept. They want a simple, like, you know, just so that the general public, they'll understand a good, like, sort of mobile phone metaphor. Analogy. Yeah, analogy. I'm going to write that one down. Okay.

This one's called Sketch. Okay, now we're going to do two commercially viable sketches before we finish the show. That's the little bonus at the end. Someone. Okay, you could sell these. You could take these to the bank. Oh, yeah, absolutely. And they'd give you probably some cash money or maybe some, what are they, Bitcoin?

Or maybe some... Oh, Bitcoin. That's somebody who invented a new currency. Yeah, exactly. Now we're wrapping this show up real nicely. Here we go. We've just invented the Bitcoin. We read an article today about the Liberty Reserve, which was another currency, another online currency.

What? That didn't make it? It didn't make it because it was being used almost exclusively by criminals. And recently the United States government shut down the company that was running it. And now all the criminals lost all their money, which is sad. Oh. I know. I mean, they worked really hard. all their money, which is sad. Oh. I know. I mean, they worked really hard.

They had to like, anyway, caveman looking at wall painting like a dude. Looking at his phone. Okay. See, this is really easy. Okay. You take a caveman, you make an analogy. I had another one. Right?

This one's set in like the Regency era or maybe like the Middle Ages or something. Yeah. All right. It's not really relevant anymore because remember when people used to have the, your message, when you got a message on your phone, right? The tone was always, right? And it was all like, it's the Middle Ages and people keep getting messengers. Yeah.

Okay. So not messages, but messengers who come in and whenever they come in they've got a little horn and they go that's good with a little horn and uh people are like sending messages yeah and then they're like ah we can't finish a meal without somebody yeah all right yeah and then like somebody blocks the messengers perhaps By like Like Digging a moat

And all the messengers fall into it But why would they do that? Or like the FBI keeps intercepting their messengers? No, I don't know The This is Commercially viable sketches are really easy Okay, let's do another one

This one's about a doctor. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And he... He starts feeling up a woman's leg. Right? And she goes, that's inappropriate.

He says, that's not inappropriate. This is inappropriate. And then he fills up her boob. Commercially viable sketches. Commercially viable sketches. I mean, oh yeah, and it was also set in the 60s and we're just laughing at the people,

at our parents' generation. Okay. Their parents. No, that's good. Yeah, it's a satire on like a bawdy old do-do-do-do-do. Yeah.

Carry on films. We're talking about especially like how people think that society used to be better. Yeah. It's like,

nobody thinks that society, you know what you think society's better? Because you're white and you're old. Because, like, and you're a man.

Yeah. Because everybody else thinks that society's way better now. Yeah. Probably. I don't know. Unless they're stupid.

Unless they don't know about what they went through. Unless they're not white and a man and old. Yeah. Because a lot of people still suffer. Yeah, that's true. Unless they're not white and a man and old. Because a lot of people still suffer. Yeah, that's true.

Unless they still suffer. And they don't realize that other people used to suffer. Okay, anyway, so we're going to wrap up this show. Also, wait, what was the other one? There was also taking a penguin to the Arctic in brackets because they don't know about it. And close brackets, and taking off his blindfold so do do do to you thanks for listening guys

the best you can get a free We'll be right back.