Two In The Think Tank - 124 - "FUME KAZOO"

Episode Date: March 26, 2018

OUR COMEDY FESTIVAL SHOW Andy Matthews and Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall Sci Fi Sketch Experience opens at the Melbourne Comedy Festival from 28 March - get tickets HEREPaleo Died, Fume Kazoo, Bullet Time Management, Death of Lies, ExtinctuaryAnd you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtbAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereRed hot thanks to George Matthews for producing Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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from our great mates. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss show where we come with five sketch ideas. My name is Alan Sir George William Tromblay Bertel and we'd like to thank you for making time for us in your lives. In your lives if you listen to this well in after life. Wow you know thank you for doing that and thank you for making time in the after life. They have the internet in heaven. I know our grandparents or grandparents watch us all the time, but do they listen to our podcasts? And can that show up in iTunes statistics? Is there a way they could buy tickets to our live comedy show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival from the 28th of March till the 8th of April 2018?

In our show, Sci-Fi sketch experience and Matthews and Alistair Tromblay virtual therein. Yeah. Look, Alistair, these are all questions that have baffled with theologians. Yeah. Theologists. Theologists. Theologists, look, I don't like to define the people who define theology or study it. I mean, that's for the theologist.

Yeah. Is there, there must be people who study professional study? Yeah, sounds fascinating to me. I think so too. I mean, how great would it be if you uncovered the bones of a paleontologist caught in the act of brushing the dirt off a torrentosaurus rex's big toe. Oh, that would be beautiful. What like a million years from now? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, even maybe a couple of weeks. Three weeks from now. You're just adjusting it up. You just He's just a small layer of dust. It was inside of museum.

He had this week's bus time table. Still on his body. Yeah. He was watching the preview for a movie that's coming out in three months. I mean, if a museum, if a natural history museum were subsumed by the ash overflow from an exploding volcano. That's right, yeah. And that was then dug up. I mean, what a fascinating thing. And what a complicated diorama to them, and then a symbol in the natural history museum of the future. And to recreate. Here, we see a natural history museum. Yeah, in the museum. I'm happy. The whole museum around it. And it's only one of the exhibits. It's just one.

It couldn't just it couldn't be all the exhibits. Yeah. Next door there's a science works. Yeah. There's I don't know there could be a yes. Let's see what possibly there are a quest to come. Maybe like it know maybe like a kindergarten that went under ash as well. I mean, great, great to bring in all those dead children. Ha, fantastic. Look at that. Andy, that might not be dead. And do you think, but do you think though

that when they found the bones of the children, they would like speculate, like a really, like elaborate, like big, sort of spiny exoskeleton. I've like, yeah, I love what a bunch of kids just attach together. Maybe they don't know how they all go together. They make a real mess of it,

or maybe because they can't see the skin, they think they're covered in feathers or something. Maybe they think the kids, you know, they form one of those nests, they're seeing those ants that don't have a nest, but they just all hold onto each other. Alistair, it's all we talk about in the podcast. No, but not the ones that float on water.

Oh, no, totally different. No, no, no, the ones that hang out in sort of caves and crevices, and they just hold onto each other by different parts. I don't know what they hold on with. Either they're, I guess, they're pincers, or with their hands. They're something, yeah.

Yeah, and then, but they guess that the children were actually just hanging out in the top corner. Yeah, right. Of the kind of garden. The kind of garden. Forming some kind of a hive type structure. Yeah. And then they, I don't know, maybe they suspect it like they're actually there to attack the adult

and eat it. Right, that they might think they're an entirely different species like at some sort of little small ground dwelling predator. You know that because they're so small, they evolve to work in packs. Yeah, packs. Not in packs. No, not some sort of formal written agreement. I think a pack with a pack is a really That's the ultimate isn't it killing machine because it's all very well to have a pack But unless you have some kind of you know Paperwork behind that. Yeah, I just don't see it hanging the other you see you see it

Probably it's gonna be a lot of like leaders changing all the time Constantly thechains. And people think of the alpha. Irak in uncovering the remains of a painily ontologist is a sketcheroo. Yeah. Yeah. And then, you know, we could expand it. We could see the Natural History Museum, et cetera.

But I'm really ashamed of how I pronounced it, et cetera, it's just been. Don't feel bad, Andy. There's a lot of paint fumes right now. There are a lot. We're, the studio never well ventilated at the best of times is. But somebody is spray painting.

They have 80, like 80 picture frames and that's downstairs but it's all up here and now next door somebody has started to play what I think is a kazoo very loudly or maybe not maybe it's dead silent out there and it's just the fume it's just the fumes buzzing I mean you know how like there's certain drugs like like Elastair you're talking to the right guy absinthe and there's that other what's the what's the one where you you smoke it You go to the other side for about 10 minutes. Is that the eye of wasca? I wasca something else, but oh tell you what it is something DMT DMT you smoked that you go to the other side people DMT was just another word for marijuana. No, no, no, no, no, DMT is this one where you takes you to the other side people. I thought DMT was just another word for marijuana. No, no, no, no. DMT is this one where you take you to the other side. Like you just, you know, longer in this world, like that.

And then you, anyway, but a lot of people report seeing this purple woman. Yeah, wow. A lot of people report seeing the same purple woman. They, they, they claim it's the same one. No, they're just saying that because she's purple and they think all purple people look alike. Yeah. And I think, maybe absinthe people talk about it, some green fairy lady. No, they're just saying that because she's purple and they think all purple people look alike. Yeah, and I think maybe absinthe people talk about it some green fairy lady, maybe. Anyway, paint fumes, people start hearing kazoo's.

I mean, what a trip. It'd be a anti-drug campaigning would be a lot easier. I think they just need to be more creative for the anti-drug campaigning would be a lot easier. I think they just need to be more creative for the anti-drug campaigns. Because we've proven that the ones that are like, you'll lose your family, it leads to other drugs, you'll feel bugs under your skin. None of that scare campaign.

Not enough. No, but you will fall on here, Kazooz. Kazooz, Aditoon, Aetonal, Aetonal, Kazoo playing. Kazooz, Aditun. A tonal. A tonal, Kazoo playing. And we're talking amateur Kazoo playing as well. I mean, you know, because I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm listening to a beautiful professional.

Juliard. Yeah, Juliard train, Kazoo artist. No. No, no, this is a Kazoo player. Yeah. Like, not only does he have a basic, very basic grasp of the kazoo, but he's also a bad guy because he cheats on his girlfriend. Wow.

He's a kazoo player. Not only does he have a poor grasp on the basics of Kazoo playing, he has just a poor grasp on the Kazoo. It's slipping out of his grip, but he keeps snatching it back. So not only is it a tonal, but it's also sort of dispersed with clouds of absence of Kazoo. Clouds of absence of kuzoo. Dispersed with clouds of absence of kuzoo. Dispersed with clouds of absence of kuzoo.

I think I could find real meaning in that sentence. That's the sort of thing you could lose yourself to. If you can't work that into a poem, and you can't win, I don't know, some kind of big poem prize, Nobel Prize, electric kid. I've only ever spoken to this one, like this,

spoken to this. And I think the fumes are actually a genuine effect on my mental capacity right now. But this is the inspiration that people talk about the course from Jeff. We are recording this so late in the night. We are so tired. Once again, we've spent the whole day together

and the fumes and the kazoo are taking me to a new level. I think we're finally achieving what we were trying to achieve with the 100 episode. We got there so much quicker. Yeah. You know, like it took us 11 hours to get to the same point where just in, let's see, less than 10 minutes. Mm-hmm.

So look, do you think that with the thing with the ad campaign warning people about sniffing paint, and you start hearing the kazoo. Is that a sketch? Absolutely. Yeah, I am, it might be the kazoo speaking right now, I'll list it, but I think that's definitely something. And the, the, the, like, there could be like a, I'd like to see like within the ad

those, you know, fake drug experience type recreations with like the visual shifting and that sort of thing. And then the guy comes in playing the kazoo. And yeah, I'm just trying to think of like what are some other angles or elements to it rather than the kazoo, but like the things that are universally despised. Sure.

But like, you know, but- Being bitten? We've already ruled out bugs, Alistair. No, no, no, but being bitten by a man or woman. Man bought. Like, you know, like when you feel teeth come down on your flesh and you realize this thing isn't going to let up. No. No.

But it happens occasionally with toddlers or like a baby or that. But I think the feeling that it's not going to let up comes from when it's an animal. That's the locked jaw feeling. But it could be a bird, it could be a dog, it could be a it could be a dog. It could be could be a rodent Could be a very large rodent. Maybe some kind of marmott Capibara capibara You know some kind of ground dwelling or surface dwelling so you know

Who's whose territory you've invaded? That's a really that is a really uncomfortable feeling when you know you've transgressed into somebody else's personal space and you realize it. Yeah. You know, and then I imagine that if that person was also a giant rodent that would if anything be more uncomfortable. What would be the funniest thing you would do? What would be I would be I would perform in any Matthews, Alistair, Tromblava,

or Sci-Fi sketch experience at the comedy festival. Really? That's gonna be the funniest thing you ever done? Probably, yeah, we'll do. Yeah, I'll get there if I was you. Please, come Alistair. I can't do the show. We have so many props We're trying to manage the props. Please come Alistair. If not to perform in the show, then just at least to carry the props up the stairs. I can't hand me props. No, but just like, okay, here's the scenario. Yes.

You're in the woods. Okay. You're walking alone, right? I don't know why Andy, but you're in the woods you're walking alone. You're surrounded by wolves. You've been surrounded by a pack of wolves, a pack with a packed. Yep. So it's on paper. It's on paper, right?

It's a fact. It's a fact. They're working together and there's no tension between them so you can't, they're not going to get distracted. I can't play them off against each other. No, no, exactly. This isn't a survivor. Can I leak? Can I do it like a media leak? they're not going to get distracted. I can't play them off against each other. No, no, exactly. This isn't a survivor.

Can I leak? Can I do a like a media leak? A damaging media leak? You're definitely going to do some kind of leaking. Oh no, you're talking about blood, aren't you? No, I meant in your pants first. Blood, pants blood? It could be pants blood.

I was meaning urine and possibly feces. But, okay. So here's the scenario. But then you realize certain death. I was meaning urine and possibly feces, but okay. So here's the scenario, but then you realize certain death. Yes. Right? You get the chute shoes in the moment, something funny you can do as your last thing. Rather than kind of go out, cowering, you can just do one last funny thing.

You could sit at do a little hula dance or you could sort of expose your butter, sort of a william walless, that was a very kind of cheeky. The comedy was very broad back in the Celtic days of fighting the English. Yeah, I would, I'd like to go with something relevant to the situation. Like something that works in context, like some kind of dog related thing, because of a pack of wolves. And I think just treating them like dogs, like a baby as they're tearing up my throat

or saying something's saying, or bad doggy, bad. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Sit, sit, sit. Yes. The futility of that people quite, you know. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Sit, sit, sit. Oh, the futility of that people quite, you know. I think that's fun.

Yeah. I'd like it if like there is no after life, right? But there is a little life or like a little pocket after life just before you die, which is where there's like, you know, someone comes along and they give you a little period of time or as much time as you need, they just pause reality and you get as much time as you need in order to be able to think of that last little funny thing to do. So you're approached, you're in the moment of death. Yeah, you're right.

And you're approached by a guardian angel. Oh, it's nice. And it says, look, this is it for you. I'm not doing that much guardian. Yeah. I'm sorry, that's my bad. Yeah. Am I gardening angel?

No, no, no, you misheard. You have a gardening angel. Guardian, no gardening. I grow beguinians. But you're dying. Anyway, enough about me. You are dying. And this is the chance you can have a last quip. So we're just going to give you space in this white world. Here's a notebook. Work on it. And so then you have as much time as you want. As much time as you need. Can you cheat this and then just live a whole new life in there?

No, no, no. No, you just can't. Well, it's just you in there. I mean, it's the first time in your life you've actually had a purpose. Yeah. Yeah, and it's really clear. I mean, that's nice. That's a good way to go out. Go out with a mission. Come out with the best quip you can.

Otherwise, how do these people do it, you know? How can you be funny so late in the game? With so little time. These people are their famous last words. I don't like all bullshit. I wonder whether if any improvisers, you know, in the humorous arts, in the humorous arts, whether they have the ability to experience a time dilation like that and go into their minds with a pattern paper and encounter regular scenarios. That'd be great if that experience of time dilation

that like time slows down when you're in a crisis. If you could then use that time to get other stuff done that you need. Absolutely. Make a decision on where you want to go. The gun being, the trigger being pulled and the bullet emerging from the gun,

time slows down, respond to those emails that you've been meaning to get to. Yeah, that'd be really good. Change your address on the electoral role. Unsubscribed from a bunch of junk emails that you get every day that you just have been caught around. Just clog up and you just fill up your own, yeah, man, nightmare. So is there some way that we could turn this into a service or like a productivity hack? Sorry, my fine is making noises.

Is that your phone? It's my fine. Well. Now, what did you think it was? Pack of wolves? Good answer. Yeah. Under pressure.

So productivity hack of like time slows down in the moment of, I don't want to say death, but like crisis or like, you know, some sort of a thing. Yeah. It's sort of like a you know, some sort of thing. Yeah. It's sort of like, it's the kind of thing. It's a near death experience, a potential near death experience. Your body doesn't know that it's not going to be a death experience. And this is the, these are the kind of near death experiences that bring out sort of shamanic wisdom in people.

You know, to become a shaman, I think you have to have gone near death. And then do you think that you could then use that time to... Oh yeah, like I mean I think what we're saying... That time and that wisdom, that shamanic wisdom, use that to organize your calendar. It's probably why you become so wise is that you've just had a bunch of, you've just been gifted a bunch of free time and you're able to finally do some of that reading. You've done all those books you've bought

that you've sort of left on the shelf. I'd like to see somebody in that moment, because you also apparently have got, you can notice a lot of details in that moment. But I think that my brain and elsewhere quite possible, you're in this modern world, time would slow down. We'd start to notice all those details. We'd notice something like on our phone and then we

just get caught in a YouTube black hole and then we'd use up all that time real quickly. Yeah. Or we'd just be clicking links on Wikipedia or something. You know, and to be honest, I'd be probably pretty happy. Pretty happy, yeah. And then if you died, you know, at least you'd be distracted. You weren't thinking about it. I think that's a fun scene to see play out. That I don't know how much context we'd have to set up, but the idea of the bullet comes out of the gun. Time slows down.

You see the person looking around. They notice their phone there on the table, they're like, oh, pick up their phone, and then they're just, whew. And then the bullets just kind of just enters the front of their forehead and then goes out the back the other side Oh no, you had too much free time you forgot what you were there to do you always do though

Yeah, look at your phone. You forget why you picked it up in the first place You didn't even mean to pick up your phone Sometimes the most difficult thing is just like you go oh That information that I need for this like to finish filling out this form, is in like somebody sent it to me in a message in Facebook. Yeah. And then you go, all right, open up Facebook. Good luck going in there.

Yeah, let me go. And then you come out like 15 minutes later, you go, what was I doing? And you go, oh, check it for that message. And then you're like, I'm not going again. It is, that is like sending someone into the jungle, like they used to do. Like, it's the Stanley Livingston, Mr. Livingston, I appreciate. The sea girl.

Dr. Livingston, I appreciate. Stanley Livingston, sea girl. I appreciate it. What was that Seagull? Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Yeah, I appreciate it. Have you read that book? No, it's a little sounds boring. It's good.

I'm amazed that it became... It was a cultural phenomenon in that point. It's just a book about a sea girl. Yeah, it's what does it do? Like it gets it's, it just flies around. I think at some point it gets very good at flying. It finds a way to fly faster and then maybe transcends to like a higher plane of existence. It's very hippie or like it becomes a god.

No, it just flies with other like spirits of sea girls or something who've also flown this fast and sort of like. I don't know if I'm actually remembering this now or if I'm just some kind Kazoo, L.C. Jason. I was feeling and hearing a buzz. But to go back to your art, this buzz is pretty harsh back to the, the, looking in your phone and losing yourself, it almost feels like you need, when you go through a portal into another dimension or whatever it is, you need that rope around your waist that they can use to pull you back out.

Yeah. So, if I've some kind of mind rope for when you get trapped in an internet hole. Because what are those things? There have to be things that like snap you out. I think, look, I didn't read this full article, but I did read the beginning of an article that did suggest that people are trying to work on slight nudges, which are nudges to get you out of getting lost in your phone, which could be exactly what this is. Could your phone, perhaps, give you this nudge?

Yeah. Oh, that's exciting. I always knew the answer would be phones. To counter, to counter the fact that you keep, like, you know, it's all these people who are X Facebook, X Twitter, kind of people who are now like, all the things, they're really bad. And you should- We got out-

Out money. We cashed in our shares and now I'm free to tell you. Yeah, I agree that they probably are bad. And, you know, even though they're hypocrites, I'm happy that they're doing this. Because what they say has some valor. Yeah, valor? Yeah, I always use valor as intamine value.

Oh, that's great. But what does valor mean? Bravery. Yeah, right. Valar. I think I use it noble. I think I'm using the French word valor. Oh, sorry.

V-A-L-E-U-R. Valar. Valar. Yeah. Which means value? Yeah. Because I mean, Val-R in English does sound like it is related to value. It does, and I can say quite possibly is.

And the listeners might not know that you're actually French. I'm French-Canadian. Yeah. Yeah, I'm French Canadian. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, but I haven't been speaking it for almost 20 years. I speak it very rarely. So when I talk, not only do I talk with this strong Quebec accent, but I talk like a person who stopped learning French and really using it in their early teens. And so I have the vocabulary of an early teen, but whose vocabulary has degraded over 20 years of not really using it.

Yes, and an early teen of the 90s, right? Because you're not like a today, you couldn't have a conversation with one of today's early teens. No. No, you could only have a, you'd be great if you went back in time and also relearned a bit of your French. Yeah, for a long time. Have a conversation with yourself in the 90s. Yeah. Non, vous pouvez pas avoir une... Vous êtes magnifique si vous le faites dans le temps et vous aussi vous l'avez appuyer un peu.

Vous avez une conversation avec vous en 90. Oui. Mais indice, je ne peux pas aller au 1990 parce que je n'ai pas de machine du temps. Du voyage de temps, je sais pas ce qu'on va faire. Andy, je ne peux pas attendre le 90s, parce que je ne sais pas le temps de la machine pour m'expliquer à mes frères. Et...

Ho ho ho ho. Ho ho ho ho ho. C'est ce que le French s'en est dit. Ho ho ho ho ho. Yeah, that's what the French Santa says. It's like, you know, like an idea of a time machine, but that does have some kind of, like, so things like, now there's like, you get, you find out about something first, right? Let's say here, you find out about computers.

And you're like, oh my God, these things can do anything, right? And then you realize there's huge limits on what you can do. And like, you know, let's say you try to, like, the first time you try to edit, like, or you try to, like, just download footage from a camera onto a computer and you realize Oh

Like in order to have good proper editing computer you need unbelievable amounts of power and and space and things like that You don't you don't really have a blow up. Yeah, the idea with time travels They were like oh it's gonna be this amazing thing and it's gonna be pretty you'll be able to go anywhere and things That but there's gonna be the limits based on energy use and different things and what you can do probably be like a limit where you probably won't be able to go back to before there was even time machines. It'll probably just be some portal connection between the time you turn on and time machine anyway.

But what if there was other kind of like flaws with it like every time you go back, I don't know like people get bluer. Some weird quirks where you actually are changing the future every time you go back. Yeah, or shorter or something like that. Or what if it was at great cost to the earth? Or let's say we could go to one of the exoplanets that these computers are discovering for us. Yes.

But it uses so much energy that it takes away 25 years of energy from the planet where we, who knows how long we've gone left. Yeah. OK. five years of energy from the planet where we, who knows how long we've got left. Yeah, okay. I'll tell you what I was thinking when you were talking about that. Great. The alternative name of the podcast, here's what I was thinking about while you were talking.

But it's that similar idea of what are the downsides to this, but it is more along the lines of what are the ways in which we just end up using this to distract ourselves in a waste time. Because those are the other flip sides. Those are the reasons why we don't see greater productivity gains from the information technology revolutions because it's so distracting. I feel like if we do wind up with teleportation or time travel, these things that give us ways to potentially use our time better, they actually make us wind up using

our time much worse because we just don't have any self control. Yeah, but then imagine how awful it would be if you had a teleportation machine that if you were at home sick Your boss could just pop their head through your door and just be like just seeing how you're doing Yeah, that's a really interesting like what it would mean for the entire world of lies. I suppose and the elaborate nature that you would have to have to your lies. Lies you have to get way more complicated when they're like, oh yeah, I'm in hospital and can't be tracked. You'd have to like turn off all your electronic devices because probably at that point people

will be able to just follow you wherever you go, oh great, he's in this quadrant right now. You know, we won't be in suburbs anymore, we'll be in quadrants. Yeah, that's the future. At some point, we click over into quadrants. Yeah, I guess the earth is just... And sectors as well. There's a few more sectors. I guess each quadrant is broken up into sectors. Say, intersect is... The earth is put into quadrants.

Or is each countries into quadrants? Probably won't call them countries anymore. We might just call them land mass alpha, and that's what I think. Right, yeah, of course. I guess that's when we get the world government. Yeah. World government, then we just have quadrants, probably then sectors. All right, where was that?

Where was that going with this? The boss pops his head in while your lies have to be so elaborate, because it's the future. You're trying to, you're in hospital. Yeah. And so now you have to like, everyone knows where you are at all times. Oh, man. I think it's just like, what it's gonna be is that we're just gonna have to live

without the modern comforts of being able to lie easily. So for future generations, they won't feel it as much, but we're gonna feel it as we get older. And we're like, oh, you used to be able to isolate yourself by just turning off your phone, but now you can, cause your phone's in your eyes. That is so true. The government and but also not just not people knowing exactly where you are, but like all the data that will be had about you, all the listening devices, everything that will

monitor you at all times. Lies, we don't realize it, but we're living in like the last days of lying. It's getting harder. It's going to get harder and harder and harder and eventually it'll cease to exist, right? Because there will be some service, everyone will be signed up to it and somehow everyone will have access to all of your data at all times. And then phones will proceed in such a way that they'll be able to fact check you when you talk. Maybe this will be our answer to fake news or something. This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money

by switching to Progressive? Drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average, and auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Multitask right now, quote today at Progressive.com. Progressive casualty and trans company and affiliates, National Average 12 Month Savings of $744 by New Customer Surveid, who saved with progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary, discounts not available in all safe and situations. But at the same time, it will be the death of individual,

the individual freedom to lie. Man, and, and, and it's, and it's easy for people to argue that that's a good thing. Yes. Sort of like when Facebook started letting people know that you'd seen other people's messages. Yeah, that's right. Like that was not like, I didn't ask me about that. A lot of the time, I don't give a shit whether corporations have my personal data, but I do care whether or not people who are messaging me could know if I've looked at a message because sometimes

I just need to wait three, four days before. Three, four days, maybe a month or two. Yeah, before they so sorry, haven't been looking at my phone much. Exactly. Now, all that stuff is gonna be taken away from us. Yeah. I mean, at one point, something is gonna be able to track all your eyeballs. I'm gonna like, just track your eyeballs at all time

and they'll be able to tell you everything that you've seen. They'll know what you're looking at. So then we're gonna have to, in order to be able to lie about whether or not we saw something, we're going to have to be say, well, there's looking at and then they're seeing. Yeah. Or, I'm sorry, I've had my eyes closed.

Oh, I know, it's going to be weeks. Well, I know, I look and I've had eyeballs tattooed onto my eyelids, which is why you're getting these readings that it makes it's the computer vision is interpreting that as me having looked at things, but I'm actually walking around with my eyes closed with pupils, fake pupils tattooed on my eyelids. So Zeus sketch about the death of lies? I think they could be a sketch about the death of lies. Yeah. I'm just trying to work out what the comedy is. Because at the moment we've reached black level, the black mirror level.

Yeah. Which is like, it's really easy to do black mirror guys. You just take a thing that could be bad and then you go see, look it it's bad and then you write it really well and you get good actors in your film and it looks nice and you do that filter thing that makes everything either look a bit washed out or like hyper bright or whatever. You know and maybe you make it dark or maybe not maybe there's a lot of white. We know how to make Black Mirror. I've seen the first episode of the first season.

I know how it's done, Charlie. Charlie, yeah. You're not tricking anybody. Yeah, well. With your show. I saw a promo for season three, it looked good. Yeah. Anyway, if you're looking for writers.

Okay, so wait, so the death of lies we just need. Anyway, if you're looking for writers Okay, so wait so the death of lies we just need Because that's what I would you write out that's what I was thinking the whole tub. Yeah What mid-rand I was thinking God I hope this doesn't affect my chances of getting to rod on the shed Anyway, if anybody knows Charlie and or you or, to be honest, if John Oliver or anybody who's got writing work in America, I'd love to just get the chance to do it. It's always been a dream. I don't imagine anybody here knows. This is how we choose to put it out there.

We've done nothing else to try and get ourselves these jobs. But we thought we'd bring it up halfway through this episode of 124, to the thick tech podcast. While we're deep into riding the paint, because of the fume, because of... This is going to be more messed up than usual. I don't know. The, this is going to be more messed up than usual. I don't know. The death of lies. Yeah.

I mean, and this isn't, this also isn't like the Ricky Duvais, the invention of lies. The invention of lying. This is the opposite. It's the opposite. At the end, everybody forgets what lying is because everybody who knew about lying. If anything, this is a prequel to that. Yeah, right. It's the prequel where technology has taken over. It is almost like lying is a human right.

Do you think the ability to lie is a human right? I think so. I think to get out of things. Like it's because essentially, if you can't lie, people have essentially like social control over you. Yeah. If you have freedom of expression, like you're at freedom of speech and also a right to privacy, then you have the right to lie.

I think I think, tell me if this is anything else, Dan. All right. That's what we're here for. Yeah. A, A, A, and we've had courts and we've had legal things on the show before, but like some kind of court of arbitration that does deal with these kinds of lies and people's right to lie, I think is interesting.

You know, somebody saying, well, I was lying. Right, somebody gets caught out in a lie. And rather than trying to offend themselves and say that they told the truth, you never say anybody say, well, I was lying. But I'm allowed to lie. Nobody ever says that. Yeah, no, no, no, that's true. What's the big deal? Yeah, maybe it's at ever says that. Yeah, that's true. What's the big deal?

Yeah, maybe it's at the Hague. Yeah, right. With the Hague, somebody's been accused of something big. Yeah. Maybe treason. Yeah. Does the Hague deal with treason? It does now. Yeah, great.

So it's the Hague treason. First, it's the Hague's first treason course. Right. That court case. Um, you know, but then, reason course, court case. But then, may mean look, to be honest, this is exactly what is happening in Mueller's investigation right now. The second time he gets somebody in,

Papadopolis, he goes, turns out you were bullshit in us last time, he goes, yeah, I lied. Yeah, I lied. What, I'm a lot of the lie. You're actually legally not, but then you're, you're taking away my right to have privacy. Because if I don't lie, then I have to tell you the truth therefore you get full access to my brain.

Yeah. And I argue that you're not allowed to have full access to my brain. Well, once, once it's already in a court context, once it's an actual case like a treat or whatever it is is, then you know, when it's in the court, you don't really have a right to lie. It's only everywhere else in life that we sort of we do. And your parents try and stop you and people can call you a compulsive liar and stop being your friend. But you can lie to everyone around

you. And that's just a loud. And what kind of sandwich did you have? Turkey. I didn't I didn't have a sandwich. I had 18 balloons in a in a Hessian sack. I am a sandwich. Yeah I think I think I killed that sketch effectively didn't I look I don't know what it is but I've written down the death of lies right and Charlie's gonna give us some work and yeah, well, I mean if you want the idea He's got to let us write it. We're clearly full of ideas for it. I Think we're the guys for the job. I think we're, if we prove it anything. Yeah.

I mean, I showed it was just like a shit black mirror would be, could be really, really fun. That is fun. You know, like people trying to come up with the bat, you know, Facebook, you know, how it's so bad, you know, people can see all the stuff and they know. People's eyes are getting so dry from looking at Facebook that they're starting to crack. Yeah, and the features more that more dried eyes and the eyes are cracking. Cracking, so like they go and like the eyeballs are starting to get hard like marbles. Highly like marbles and then they tap, people take your eyeballs, yeah, using for marbles.

Yeah, but they're breaking, they're breaking, so everybody looks at you and they've got broken eyes. Yeah, great. And then you have to, like, then they have to, like, invent a part of Facebook. That's what they, like, then we'll focus on this. Well, they've worked on a part of Facebook where you can scroll through Facebook with just

smell and you can smell what people's statuses are and then you learn to talk through what you learn to read through your nose. What it is is everybody's eyes are so dry, right, that they invent a computer screen that's wet, a computer screen that's wet, like water comes off it, right? That's good. Sprays out on your eyes to keep your eyes wet so you can screen that's wet, it's like water comes off it, right? That's good. Sprays out onto your eyes to keep your eyes wet so you can look at your screen. But then a hacker, right, hacks into the computer screens. And they use it to spray so much water onto your face, right?

That you drown and die. And so the smell of mint is the letter I and the smell of dog wet dog. Yeah, that's the letter B. Yeah. All right. Uh, sort of balsamic vinegar. That smell. That's C.

Perfect. Yeah. And that's all that's all that's gone. So far. I think we could definitely have an alphabet that was just three letters, right? And that's all that's all that's gone. That's all that's gone. I'm not so far. I think we could definitely have an alphabet that was just three letters, right? You could make it work. You could communicate everything with just like, but then it would be like binary.

Wouldn't be interesting. It would just be a combination of. But what could, but you would just get longer and longer words? What did have to be heaps heaps longer? I suppose. What are the variation? What are the most important words that you would put that are like one letter, like so you'd have three one letter words that you could have? Yeah, what would be your A, Z, B's and your C's?

Yes, no. Toilet. Yes, no, maybe. But then what, like, what are you, oh, I suppose? I don't think maybe, maybe gets one. I reckon you just come up with a new word that's a yes, no. That's like a yes, I don't know. Yeah, you just go yes, no. You go A, B. And then people, people know that that's, that's probably why maybe sounds like A, B.

Okay, what's in your next tier? That's probably why maybe sounds like A-B. Okay, what's in your next tier? Next tier? You got two letters. You got A-B, you got A-C, you got B-C, you got B-A. Yeah, okay. We... CB and CA. Let's see.

We've a food. Food. Sex. Food sex. So these are just words that you're saying. Trausers. Like, they're not, these aren't that important in words. What do you mean?

I mean, you could put, you could probably put the numbers in there. Do you have, these are really important words. What do you say? Food sex. What about like, eat? Well, you could, you could communicate that with just the food. What about good and bad? Good, bad. Hello. Goodbye. So you've got politeness in there in your life. Yeah, and ratings of systems. You want to be upgrading. I mean, like these are the things that you're putting,

the shortest words should be the most efficient ones for you to get out that you can... the ones that are probably used the most in the English language. I just want you to know that you had good, bad, hello, and goodbyes. So really you've got good in there twice. Well, you won't say goodbye anymore. You'll just say A, B. Yeah. So now we've got technically I've got A and B. Anyway, look. Oh, man. Look, man, it's the fumes talking. It's the fumes. We still need one. We just need one more sketch. One more sketch idea. Yeah. Um, did you, we didn't write any of our bad black mirror?

No, but I could write down bad black mirror as a concept. Look, I think there's every chance that the death of lies is already a bad black mirror episode. Do you want to write bad black mirror next week? Yeah, I think so. If we haven't already come up with Bad Black Mirror on the show before, I think I'm excited for that. We've definitely spoken about Black Mirror, I did. For people that two guys have never watched Black Mirror, I think we talk about it, maybe the most out of all the people who haven't watched it. Well, we've seen the first episode and I want to try my first season to range.

I watched a couple episodes in the, in the, in the few episodes in the first season. And then one time I think I switched over on a TV show, like onto a TV channel that had a black mirror episode, but I just saw that it was British and I was like, uh, this looks boring. Alistair. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Alistair. That's not. Oh. I think it's the only real prejudice I've ever seen you display and it is that all British television is boring.

Just because once you saw me watching the show Kingdom with Stephen Fry and I was on like season four and you came along and you said, that looks boring and I said, oh my God you're right, I'm so bored. And thank you for it. And I never watched another episode. I just hadn't realized how bored I was. Yeah. It looks really, it looks really important. But like, I'm not saying that all the shows are boring. I think some of the stuff is entertaining, but it has an intrinsic boredom about it. That is, like like that would be a national trait of the United Kingdom, is that what they do

is first boring, and then entertainment is built on top, but it has to have that solid base of let's not make this fun at all. Is that, do you think that's why they have such short seasons of all of their shows? Is it because boredom is not like a sustainable basis for a television program? Well, no, I think it's a strong foundation that is like, that the BB, it's made the BBC the institution that it is. And they've created some wonderful programs.

I think that there's probably a reflection of an inner sadness or something that they... So floating or they don't deserve to be entertained, maybe? Or that you don't, no, I think look, that you don't... I don't, no, I think look, that you don't, like, what's that thing where you kind of like, you stand out and like make a fool of yourself, like, you know. Don't draw attention to yourself.

Yeah, you don't draw attention to yourself. So everything at first has to be like, right, look, I don't draw attention to myself based on nothing. I, here's a strong base of sort of content. Look, there's gonna be a lot of discussion about policy and a protocol and different things like that. And then after that, we'll build some silliness

and entertainment on top of it and things like that. Like, faulty towers is good, but it's built on a base of boredom. It's like a just a boring building in that boring town. Do you think that, it feels like there, it's a thing that we do less and less, but it feels like people really used to make a real art form out of boredom.

Like if you watch things like a Japanese tea ceremony or something that just does seem to be so slow and you know, patient and dry until it's wet obviously with the tea. But like you know that it is was bored of me even a consideration when they were coming up with that, or was it a consideration that like, well, we're going to incorporate this. We're going to make boredom into an art form. I think the idea of the Japanese tea ceremony, at least in the TV show that I watched, where they talked about it, one aspect of the boredom of it was to just give you time to just reflect. It's amazing. We have just totally got rid of that from society.

Yeah, and some of it was that you would go in and have one with another person and it might help you connect. Connect and things of it. But also it's about doing things in a very particular way and doing it perfectly. And I think at the end, even the person kind of apologizes, if like they even just apologizes, just in case I did anything, and which made it not perfect. That's quite nice, like an apology.

I think a boring circus or a circus of boredom in which you go along and you see certain people perform feats of boredom or, you know, boredom could be quite fun. Sounds very entertaining. Yeah. Well, you know, that everybody is sort of dressed very much just in sort of beige. What is a boredom in your mind? A fetus boredom is doing something for the audience that is extremely

tedious, right? So like the next act comes out and this person is just going to be licking on the lobes or they're going to be, you know, for example, here's a thing that I've spent some time doing, yeah, listing everything. Yeah, where I just say words or concepts over and over again, there's no point to it, there's no story, there's nothing. I find that a little bit too entertaining to make it into my stuff as a border mouse. Okay, sure. So you were saying licking stamps?

Licking on bloaps or something like that, you know, sealing things up. Anything that is, I'm just trying to think, you know, what are the stacking of dishwasher? Or, you know, what are the things that are really teased? But my examples are too mundane. I don't really want them to be real world examples like that. I want them to be things that are more like artistically boring, I guess, in a way. You know, that a rolling a huge ball, but just, look, I haven't got anything. I'm trying to find what these things are, but I'm just Um, it's okay. But what if you're just kicking a ball across the dirt? I don't think that's anything Andy.

Yeah. I think we've come to a dead end. No, that's okay. Um, I think there's something in the circus aboard, but I just can't. Yeah. Um, this sea gul. Yeah, Jonathan Living't. Yeah. Um, this sea gul. Yeah, Jonathan Livingston. Yeah.

Do you think it was based, if it kind of reaches some point where it's achieved some new level in flying and then it flies with the spirits of dead, um, is it like the Anakin Skywalker of, of sea gulves? That because, because Anakin stuck a Skywalker dies and goes to the Force realm or whatever. He is in contact with a lot of the dead ones, the greats, a lot of the dead greats. You see? You know what doesn't he see? Like, you know, dead Obi-Wan, dead yoga, and yoga.

So Anakin, well that's Luke who sees all those people. Oh yeah, Luke does, but you don't think Anakin sees him? Oh, I mean, he might. I suppose he's there, right? Well, because Luke is, Anakin is Vader, right? Yeah. He becomes Vader, and he's there, and Luke sees him. Yeah.

So, he must see. He must have seen him, because how would he have known to go look at Luke? Yeah. Have a look, a looky-look.y look. That is Alistair. It's a good question and I think it's something that people who like the Planet Broadcasting Network into these Star Wars kinds of questions. Yeah. And did Anakin see all the... My eyes have started to burn. Is that a good sign?

Yeah. You need one of those wet screens. I'm starting to hear Kazoo with my eyes. All right, Andy, let's try and... No, it's this, right? It's when we get animals going extinct, right? Okay. So they're definitely...

They're gonna go extinct Whether you like it or not, right? The species you're luckily. I do like it. Okay, great. Well, then you're gonna love this because they are right Yeah, you got your northern white rhinos there on the way out. I just put down the last one put down the last man Last man, yes, I don't want to do all this okay, that is that is good Well, I'm sure you've got an idea that'll lift people's spirits. I'll tell you what, because this is going to be good. So, they're going to go extinct anyway.

We can't save all of them. We can save some of them. But even maybe we're not going to save some of them unless there's something in it for us. So, we turn it into a reality TV show. Okay. So, you've got to, you get all your, you get, you get, say, 20 endangered species.

You put them all together in a house. Okay. Already that's, that's right with comedy. Yeah, and conflict. And conflict, which is the basis of all good. You've got a, you know, a female Western white rhino and a blue sort of beetle. Done, a blue beaked sort of a kingfisher. Yeah. Great. Then I'm going to get kingfisher. Yeah, great.

Then I'm going to get along. No, no, no. And the sparks are going to fly. Some kind of like white order. It's always hang-using the bath. Great. Yeah. It's still in there.

It's still in there. Unbelievable in the mornings. Yeah. Right. And then you basically, you have people vote to decide which ones are the recipient of $2 billion of ongoing conservation funding for their major habitats and also reforestation initiatives across several wildlife corridors linking the two subhabitats to enable the continued migration of species from their traditional hunting grounds, their traditional breeding grounds.

Do the animals have to do challenges? Absolutely, that is the very basis of the show. Do they have to eat bulls, eyeballs and stuff like that? They're humiliated. They are humiliated on a weekly basis. It is deeply embarrassing. You know, like you can recreate things like, oh, you guys have all been caught in an oil spill. Yeah, great. And then one week, they bring back an animal that everybody thought was extinct. I was just like, yeah, the dodo. Yeah, great. Oh, what a shock.

Yeah. But I mean, in a way, if they are, once you know about the idea that there's gonna be intruders You're like, I think do does coming back Hope Dodas coming back. You know, it's interesting and that kind of scenario where let's say you did do like a like an oil There's been an oil spill. Yeah, and Ron and Ron is in Ron is back. They're back and there's the exon Exon exon exon. Exon. Exon's back and there's spilling oil again. And then the challenge is kind of like letting yourself as an animal get cleaned up by rescuers.

And the animal that will be the most hostile towards the humans during that case is probably likely to get voted out. Yeah. Because people are going to be like, ah, he seems ungrateful. He seemed really ungrateful. That's a great thing to put on animals. Yeah. To put on the... Because that's exactly what we do with welfare as it stands. It's not enough that these people are having terrible lives and that we give them some pittance to try and keep them alive. If they seem ungrateful, we really don't take it well.

And I think I am yet to see a single, a daily penguin express any kind of gratitude at all. Towards the welfare state. Towards the welfare state. Or towards people. Or my tax dollars. I just think I deserve a little bit of respect. So I think, yeah. And take us through the idea. And I'm honest, it take us through the ideas.

And the I'm telling you what, I'm riding back down the slide of the, of the kazoo ride, pink, fume kazoo, because I think I think the high was about half an hour ago, and now I'm crashing, you know, woke wake up, hungover, uncovering the remains of a paleontologist. That was a strong idea. Out of the guides. That warning on sniffing paint. I wonder where that came from. It's a warning about sniffing paint. First of all, you hear the kazoo. You probably see guys and singlets come around.

They just come around to your house. That's what you think. You think there's just a guy in the other room. I think this is really good. Yeah. There's a guy in a single, he's standing behind the couch. And there's another one, and he's moving the ornaments on the shelf.

And you don't, and maybe you don't see them, but you feel that there is. Yeah. There was a thing I've experienced on a drug before, where you feel like there's somebody in the bathroom you're waiting for them to come out. Like what an amazing transcended experience. No, but like, it's just this feeling of like,

there's three of you, there's three of you that have been hanging out and just doing, you know, how to write on something or whatever. And so you've just been chatting, but then you just have this feeling like somebody who's part of the group, who went to the bathroom and you just, they feeling like Somebody wasn't there another one. Yeah, there's somebody a part of the group who went to the bathroom And you just they haven't come back yet. That's that's such a creepy experience because that's like what it would be like if somebody was Arraised from existence in a movie. Yeah, like if something happened somebody went back in time and then suddenly somebody was never there

And you're like wasn't there another person here? Yeah, and at one point I called that person John Constant because it was the same person. You know, like, you know, when you do some kind of, like, is it an integration in maths and integration? Yeah, yeah. Or you have to add that plus C at the end? Yeah, plus a constant. Plus a constant.

That was him. Because John Constant. So this experience happened to you more than one some drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was him. So this experience happened to you more than one sunrise. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Productivity time in the time, oh, you get productivity time in the time when time slows down, when let's say you're threatened. So let's say time points it gone at you. And then like time slows down for you. And then you kind of use that chance to get some email, send or maybe like make a few purchases online.

Yeah, repair that shoe. There's the alternative in there where you then weiss that tongue. You actually end up weissing that time. Yeah, I like that. And we've got the death of lies, which is our first twist on, I mean, I genuinely think that the death of lies is a possible good observation. But then we could turn it into a bad black mirror episode. Maybe because this is the whole idea of the bad black mirror episode. I feel like we've come up with bad black mirror on the show before. I feel like it's a commoners Okay, get out that I've used how about this really bad black mirror Perfect. Mm-hmm. And then we have the extinct animal reality show

You got to seem grateful That's why we're saving you because yeah, and but but I imagine these animals they've been watching the show They know how the games played if they're not willing to seem grateful this stage. What are they even doing there? Why are they going on? Makes you think. Makes me think. I've been thinking constantly. You know what, I'm constantly grateful for. What's that, Andrew Matthews? The listeners to the show, you guys are amazing and thank you for sitting through this one.

Hey look, I think it had a really good energy right at the beginning. Fantastic energy, yeah. And then we peaked Andy and when you peaked, there's only one way and it's down. Yeah, sometimes there's a false peak, not this time though. No, it wasn't a false peak. It was a real peak. Real peak. I genuinely paked. Yeah, we actually hit the highest point. We're going to hit today at least. Guys, if you could come to our show at the company festival, which surely love it. Absolutely. And if you pre-buy tickets, we feel better for longer. Yes. And there's a

really, really reasonable rate for people. If you book a group ticket. It's very very affordable and What is it? 15 bucks a ticket. Yeah, there you go. It's really reasonable. If you book a ticket for a Tuesday, Tinas Tuesday, all tickets are $10. Well, and if you just buy regular tickets, $20. That's pretty reasonable. Yeah, it's pretty reasonable. We were working on the show today and we had a fun time. Yeah, we had some people. The props have reached, I hope, some kind of a crescendo because

bloody hell. Yeah, then we're getting. We're getting unmanageable. We are getting our, we have one last prop coming. It's our most expensive prop and it's a dog. That's all you need to know. So you need to know that there is a dog in action. There is a dog in the show. Prop dog. And you can find us on Twitter. And on Facebook.

I'm at Stupid Old Andy. I'm at Alistair TV. We are at Two in Tank. You can donate to Patreon. They get everybody who's donated. Sorry that we're not doing a Patreon 3 words thing today. We're just crumbling. It wouldn't be good. It wouldn't be good. You would not be getting your three dollars worth no

And we want to give you more than what you deserve Yes, because you deserve everything you deserve everything and we want to give you more than that because we love You this podcast is part of the planet broadcasting network visit planetcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. It's not optional, you have to do it. We used to go easy on it, but now you have to. Yeah. Yeah. Are you working way too hard for way too little?

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