Two In The Think Tank - 13 - "West Wing Man"

Episode Date: July 22, 2013

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Starting point is 00:00:00 It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too.
Starting point is 00:00:18 Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hey guys, welcome to Two in the Think Tank. That was the Bloopers song. Yeah, that was the Bloopers.
Starting point is 00:00:54 That was an extract from Bloopers. The new album from the band The Bloopers. It's not a self-titled album. It's a different Bloopers. Yeah, because it's The Bloopers. Yep. And this was just the The Bloopers. It's not a self-titled album. There's a different Bloopers. Yeah, because it's The Bloopers. Yep. And this was just the song Bloopers. Bloopers.
Starting point is 00:01:11 So, anyway, look out for that. It'll be playing at the end of a movie. Yeah? Yeah. You reckon we could get that in the credits for the latest Scorsese biopic? Yeah, absolutely. Is he going to make a sequel to The Doors?
Starting point is 00:01:27 Yes. I think people should start making sequels to biopics. Especially the ones where the person dies at the end. Yeah, I think so. What happens after that? I have many questions. Or, you know, we could do a reboot
Starting point is 00:01:41 of The Doors? It's certainly like it sets up, like, people would be intrigued. Like, it's kind of a cliffhanger, you know, if you think about it. Like, you know, somebody dies, and you're like, oh, that's the end of it. And then, but then they announce a sequel, and you're like, oh, wow, that was a cliffhanger. What could they possibly do? How did he get out of that one? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:02 possibly do? How did he get out of that one? Yeah. I wonder how Mr. Doors got out of... Johnny Doors. Johnny Doors. Johnny the Doors got out of death and having his sort of tombstone graffitied. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:18 Defiled. Defiled. I mean, how could he get out of that? First of all, comes back to life. But I think people would expect that. I think people would expect him to be alive. And I want to go against expectation. Here's a side thought. Jesus was the first zombie.
Starting point is 00:02:35 Anyway, let's keep going. With somebody at the door, we might have to pause it for just one second. The doors. Could be Jimmy the doors at the door. Yeah, it could be. Oh my God, this could be how he's getting out of it. This is it. Coming to our door. Let's go Door. Yeah, it could be. Oh, my God. This could be how he's getting out of it. This is it. Coming to our door.
Starting point is 00:02:46 Let's go check. Okay, we're back. Yeah, and... Unnoticeable to you. So, Al, who was it? Okay, no, wait. You had an idea. Oh, I thought it might be Johnny The Doors.
Starting point is 00:02:58 The Doors. With the sequel to The Doors. Yes, it was. Oh. The sequel to The Doors just happened to me, and then we're going to have to do a biopic on me. Yes, it was. The sequel to The Doors just happened to me, and then we're going to have to do a biopic on me. That's it.
Starting point is 00:03:11 Al is the sequel to Jim Morrison. So it's about a guy who had his life affected by Jimmy The Door. Jimmy The Door Morrison. And people are going to watch it and they're going to say, well, I wasn't expecting them to take it in that direction. But they did. But it's kind of shitty isn't it? It's a shitty direction.
Starting point is 00:03:27 Like if you went and saw a movie about the doors and it was just about some guy who was affected by the doors would you kind of go like unless like he killed
Starting point is 00:03:35 himself or something like that? I think a lot of you know say like a serial killer movie like say they'll have the original serial killer and then like
Starting point is 00:03:43 maybe in the sequel there'll be like a copycat serial killer or someone who was inspired by him so yeah it's uh the doors tribute bed oh my god that could be great and they could do it for all sorts of movies they could do it about uh the capotes The Capotes? The Capotes? Yeah, the Capotes. And so it'll be the Capotes,
Starting point is 00:04:07 which is like a Truman Capote tribute band of writers. Yeah. And they all try to write, they all write his classics. Just rewrite his books.
Starting point is 00:04:19 Retype them. Yeah. And then re-release them. This is a re-release of the Capote book that we re-typed them. Yeah. And then re-released them. This is a re-release of the Capote book that we re-re-re-released. I like writers doing covers of other writers' work. What I've done is I've re-written this. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:37 We've managed to re-create pretty... People say this is one of the most convincing copies of his original work. I've been accused of copy and paste, but trust me, I did it all by hand. And look, I've spoken to his estate. I spoke to his widow, and she's actually endorsed this. She said that she supports what I'm doing, and she also agrees that it's very convincing. She's super money hungry.
Starting point is 00:05:05 She'll endorse anything at this point. She's been dead 35 years. She's endorsed it. And bear in mind that she is super money hungry. So, I mean, that's got to count for something, right? Exactly. You could see the desperation in her eyes. And there was the kind of desperation that comes from recognition of honesty.
Starting point is 00:05:27 I knocked at the door. She opened it. She looked in my eyes, and she just said yes. She didn't even wait for me to explain the concept. I don't think she even knew I was selling something or asking for something. She just knew whatever I was there for, she wanted it. Yeah. That's the...
Starting point is 00:05:47 She's in a bad place at the moment. And she's endorsed our... Our product. Yeah, our product. So endorsed by his vulnerable widow. We're going to write that on the cover. It doesn't matter. It doesn't come much higher than that.
Starting point is 00:06:02 Nobody's going to know because people just see Mrs. Doors and the Capote. Pretty sure there wasn't a Mrs. Capote. Yeah. Yeah. Well. There is now. There's probably an ex-Mrs. Capote.
Starting point is 00:06:16 Who are we talking to then? Look, I spoke to a woman calling themselves the ex-Mrs. Capotes. I think they may have been a cover band of the original Mrs. Capote cover band. And they endorsed it. And they had her endorsement, the original Mrs. Capote. They had her endorsement. So as far as I'm concerned, an endorsement from the ex-Mrs. Capotes is as good as an endorsement from the Mrs. Capotes. That's how good the ex-Mrs. Capotes are as a cover band.
Starting point is 00:06:53 That's how good they are. Great. Yeah. Great. Do you think people noticed? That we accidentally stopped recording and then we just brought back in and then fizzled out that idea? Yeah. I don't think anybody would have noticed that. I think that's how most ideas should end. We accidentally stopped recording and then we just brought back in and then fizzled out that idea. I don't think anybody would have noticed that.
Starting point is 00:07:08 I think that's how most ideas should end. They should end abruptly. With enthusiasm, then a sort of a fake repetition, and then a fizzle. It's kind of like, you know, like a lot of ideas are more like paintings in that they kind of blend into the next color or whatever. We're going to end our ideas like geometry, just straight cuts. No matter how far you zoom in, you can never see a blending. It's discontinuous. It's right through a single atom. It's a, begins with H, something or other.
Starting point is 00:07:44 Horizon. Yeah, sure. Yeah? H, something or other. Horizon. Yeah, sure. Yeah? No, it's some guy function. It's a mathematical thing. It goes like that. Down like that. Completely discontinuous.
Starting point is 00:07:54 It's a great function. Well, what does that mean? What's a function? A function is like a graph, like a mathematical equation that defines a series of values. Yeah, and so it looks like a line. It goes across and then it goes straight up
Starting point is 00:08:11 and then it goes to a completely different value and there's no slope. There's no gradient. It's an infinite gradient. It goes straight from one space to another without going anywhere. It's like teleportation over no time. Is there time involved in this? There could be. Oh, so it's like teleportation. It's like teleportation over no time. It just...
Starting point is 00:08:25 Yeah. Is there time involved in this? There could be. You can apply it to any different time. Oh, yeah, axes. Axes, yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:32 Oh, my God. Mathematics, you know? Oh, fantastic. It's applicable. Hey, should we... Do you think that there's something in any of this stuff that we just talked about?
Starting point is 00:08:42 Oh, the cover band thing. I think that there could be something, you know... There's definitely, like, you know know doing a cover of a cover band of a cover band that's the thing yeah and i really like the idea of like the endorsed by his vulnerable widow yeah okay i think leah that can be definitely i think we'll just do the i think we just do the cover of the writers because because that's just the rewriting of something yeah Yeah, that's fine. Or just actual copy. I think there's like three sketches. Guys, I think the podcast's almost over.
Starting point is 00:09:08 Yeah, oh my God. We just smashed out. And while we accidentally stopped the recording, we came up with two other great ideas. So that's the show. Thanks very much for listening. We'll be back some other time. Hey, by the way, guys,
Starting point is 00:09:24 there's been a bit of a break from the podcast. We actually recorded a bunch of episodes, and they may have gone missing. It's very possible that we now have some lost tapes. Oh, my God, that's true. Yeah. We're like 12 episodes in. We're like only six weeks in, and we've already got some lost tapes, like three lost tapes. Three lost tapes.
Starting point is 00:09:44 B-sides. And so if there's any listeners out there who work in data recovery, maybe just sling us an email at email at email.com. Slash email. Slash email, sorry. Slash email. slash email slash email and yeah get in touch because we'd love to have you come around
Starting point is 00:10:09 and scrape through our digital our digital detritus just put on some of your big data recovery gloves and just plunge them into the midden of what remains of our hard drive and see if you can
Starting point is 00:10:24 strain out any chunks of gold from that heap from that steaming pile Great You like that Al? I really like a steaming pile of heap I don't know
Starting point is 00:10:38 A good steaming pile? Actually a steaming pile is disgusting as like a steaming pile of something is out in the world, wherever it is. Yeah. There's something nice about it. It's nice to see something hot and steamy just sitting on a cold ground in cold air, steaming away. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
Starting point is 00:11:00 Because that doesn't happen that much in hot climates. And certainly in our urban existence, we very rarely get to see a steaming pile. Yeah. Most steaming piles are scraped up pretty quickly or eaten. Yeah. But we don't spend a lot of time in parks early mornings and stuff like that. I think maybe there might be some steaming piles there. Actually, they would be scraped up pretty quack. Pretty quack. Because steaming piles there. Actually, they would be scraped up pretty quack. Pretty quack. Pretty quack.
Starting point is 00:11:25 Because there are ducks there, and they have poor nutrition. This is another thing that I've often thought. You never see big piles of rocks in the city, do you? You know, that's true. It's one of my more profound thoughts that I've had. Quarries you'll see it in? Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:43 And in the countryside you know a farmer will trawl through his paddock. Yeah. Collect all the rocks and put them in a big pile. I suppose it's because in the city like in the country you can buy a big pile without knowing what you're going to do with it like a big pile of rocks or you can collect a big pile of rocks with no real intention necessary. Yeah because you're not under scrutiny. Yeah. But in the city you start collecting a big pile of rocks and people ask questions. Yeah, because you're not under scrutiny. Yeah. But in the city, you start collecting a big pile of rocks and people ask questions. Yeah, especially if you're just leaving it out the front of your house. You've kind of got to have a place to put them before.
Starting point is 00:12:13 You've got to justify everything these days. Does there have to be a reason why I have this big pile of rocks in my front yard? Yeah, okay. If it was a rock garden, you guys wouldn't question me, but because it's a rock small hill... Yeah. What's this garden, Precious? It's one rule for the gardens and another rule for the small hills. Yeah, of rocks.
Starting point is 00:12:35 Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Imagine if there was a fire alarm. You're like, oh my god, the fire alarm is going off. That's the missile alarm.
Starting point is 00:12:56 The air raid siren. Air raid siren, right? But, turns out, Churchill was just saying exactly. But, turns out, Churchill was just saying exactly. He just stopped paying attention in the middle of the word exactly. And then he was like, this kind of sounds like an ear siren, and I'm going to stick with it just because, I mean, I wonder how long I can go.
Starting point is 00:13:19 Go until I forget that I'm saying exactly, or the audience forgets I'm saying exactly, which is just his wife or whoever. Was he married? Yes, he was. Yeah, I guess you kind of got to be married to be a leader don't you you do I mean Julia Gillard you know that's why she didn't get why what happens wasn't married you don't follow tradition can't be a single man president of the Bachelor Prime Minister President there was like a document like a movie about that. I think it's been a thing that's cropped up in a couple of...
Starting point is 00:13:49 Yeah, The Bachelor President. When they come over for a date. I'm pretty sure... Yes, Love Actually. Tom Hanks. Is it Tom Hanks? Not Tom Hanks. Hugh Grant.
Starting point is 00:14:03 Hugh Grant plays the Prime Minister. He plays the Prime Minister of England and he's a bachelor and then he hooks up with some girl and everyone's like, ooh. Yeah, imagine that. The President is on the prowl. Yeah, oh man, that would, I don't know, I think people would,
Starting point is 00:14:19 oh, it's like when Sarkozy was doing it. Like the French guy. And he was like, just picking up women and stuff like that. I was like, I don't think I like this. This is a movie. He's the most powerful man in the world. But when it comes to dating, he doesn't have a clue. So it's like the king's speech but with like dating.
Starting point is 00:14:44 So he gets He gets like Will Smith to come in And teach him As a dating coach This could be This could be Was it Hitch 2? Hitch 2
Starting point is 00:14:51 Hitch 2 First Hitch Yeah First Wingman West Wingman West Wingman West Wingman Done
Starting point is 00:14:59 Oh you've just done Hitch 2 West Wingman Yeah okay That's not in the second sketch Are you gonna play Will Will Smith Oh, you've just got... Pitch two, West Wing Man. Yeah, okay, that's not in the second sketch. Are you going to play Will Smith? I'll play Will Smith, of course, and you can play Jaden Smith.
Starting point is 00:15:13 Oh, great. Oh, yeah, because also the president was sort of like, for some reason, was a child president. Right. Like he was chosen sort of like the Dalai lama this is how they've changed the old president died and the joint chiefs of staff went out searching for the reincarnation of the president and they found him in the body of jayden smith this is after obama died and then they're like we can't go back to white conservative men we We just can't. Let's find the reincarnation. And then this is 20 years in.
Starting point is 00:15:47 He's had this upbringing. He's been brought up in the White House. All he's had around him is chiefs of staff. Every single person is a chief of staff or a secretary of something. He knows everything about strategy and politics and the American way, but he doesn't know about love. He's great in the war room, but he's clueless in the bedroom.
Starting point is 00:16:12 It's great that they... In a world... Where... Jaden Smith... And... Will Smith... Are... Father and son.
Starting point is 00:16:36 But... Will Smith... are father and son but will smith is about to find out that he is a relationship counselor to the first child president president who later we find out is also his son. Yeah. Oh, that's weird. What, giving dating tips to his own son? I mean, that's a great sort of Oedipusian twist. Oedipusian twist. Oedipal? Oedipal twist.
Starting point is 00:16:59 Oedipal. The Oedipal twist. The Oedipal twist. That sounds like a great cocktail. Because his dad teaches him to kiss. They're like, come on, man. I ain't gay. I ain't gay.
Starting point is 00:17:10 Look, this is just... This isn't gay. This is just pedophilia. This is just part of the course. I'd do it if you were Bill Clinton. And then there's like a portrait of Bill Clinton. You go, sorry, dog. Oh, no, I'm being, yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:27 You are being. I'm being. Well, that's good. I'd like to see that movie. It's great that they'll, because I would love for them to get to do more movies together, or maybe get to do all their movies together. Every movie from now on, they have to find a way to incorporate Jaden. Yeah, and I think maybe everybody should be able to bring their dad or their son into their roles. You know, so like Martin Sheen.
Starting point is 00:17:53 Yep. Charlie Sheen. Michael Douglas. Are they related? Yeah. Michael Douglas. Kirk Douglas. Are they?
Starting point is 00:18:01 And then, is there an older generation in that? No, I think maybe Kirk was the oldest. I don't know. Okay. I can't. Jesus Christ. I don't have the data. Yeah?
Starting point is 00:18:12 In front of me. The character from Star Trek? I'd rather have a data in front of me than a... Bottle lobotomy. Okay. Do you remember data from Star Trek? Data Data
Starting point is 00:18:26 Data I mean if British people came on See I can't remember which one was he Was he the one who had the cool sunglasses Because he was blind Or was he the one who was the robot Probably the robot I was waiting for you to just answer your own question
Starting point is 00:18:41 Yeah Or is he the one who was a computer But I used to think that they were the same person as well Really for you to just answer your own question with that. Or is he the one who was a computer? But I used to think that they were the same person as well. Really? Yeah. Because they couldn't look... The guy with the glasses, he looked like a robot. The guy without the glasses didn't look like a robot.
Starting point is 00:18:56 He was just a guy. No, he looked like a robot. No. They actually... But that was a thing that they had to do in that TV show. When they did up that guy's look and makeup, they had to make him look like a cyborg. They had to make him look like a man who looks... No, looks like a robot who looks like a man.
Starting point is 00:19:14 Wait, he has to look like a robot who looks like a man. Yeah, but it's like... In his greatest role. Yeah, he has to look like a robot that looks like a man. Yeah, that's right. And, like, I think he did it. I mean, it's both his performance, but I think also they had to pick a guy who looked particularly like a robot, who looked like a man. So somebody, you know, like, we're looking for somebody who's on the border of Uncanny Valley.
Starting point is 00:19:38 Yeah, that's true, because there are definitely some people who don't look as much like people. Right? And there are definitely some people who look a lot more like people. There are some people who you're like, that guy's definitely not a robot. With the Terminator and stuff, sure, people blend in, like they're designed
Starting point is 00:19:58 to blend in, but at the same time you see Arnie and you're like, well he doesn't exactly blend in. Yeah, that's right. And also, I think his hair's too thin to be a robot. Nobody would design a robot with like a crew cut like that with too thin a hair. Do you think he's got thin hair? Does Arnie have thin hair?
Starting point is 00:20:18 I'm not sure. I think you better be very careful what you say. He was Mr. Universe. Yeah, but... I don't think you get to be Mr. Universe. But you can sort of, like, just comb your hair in a way to make it look less thin. And I think that's what they were doing. I feel like maybe they were splitting the strands.
Starting point is 00:20:34 You know, make it look like there's more strands. Yeah. I don't know. Does he have thin hair? In my mind, he has thin hair. If you get the angle right, you can sort of see through it and see the length. I think he probably had regular size hair, but just relative to the rest of him. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:20:48 Like, hair's hard to bulk up. It's difficult to put on hair mass. Yeah, that's true. But you know when you go to the haircut people? I do. Yeah, and they... You may carry on with confidence that I know what you're talking about. Great, great.
Starting point is 00:21:03 Well, you know when they go... Don't hesitate for a second... I wouldn't dare....to even consider that I might what you're talking about. Great. Well, you know, they go. Don't hesitate for a second. I wouldn't dare. To even consider that I might not be on board with this because I know when you go to the haircut people. Yeah. I got it one locked and loaded. Alastair, you are like, I'm your audience.
Starting point is 00:21:16 Yeah. At the moment. If you've got a bit coming up about this. Yeah. It's not really a bit. I'm so ready. Well, all I was going to say is, you know, when you go there and there's like, they go, I'm going to trim it and then I'm going to thin All I was going to say is, you know when you go there and they go, I'm going to trim it and then I'm going to thin it out a bit.
Starting point is 00:21:29 And you go, why are you going to do the thin bit? I'm like, make me look like I got the fullest head of hair. Because people who don't have that, they would want us to.
Starting point is 00:21:43 They want what I've got. They would be insulted if they knew that you were thinning out my hair. Yeah, exactly. That's like how African people who are starving would supposedly be offended if they saw us throwing away food. No, I think they'd be offended if they saw us not going to fast food places and eating like the most rich stuff. Next time somebody tells you there are people starving in Africa, say, yeah, exactly. That's why I'm having seconds.
Starting point is 00:22:13 Exactly. That's why I'm having seconds of this sort of lard-like food that you've served me. Because only to please African people, I mean starving people, not all African people are starving. And vice versa. Yeah, and not all starving people are African. So remember that, you bigots.
Starting point is 00:22:35 We can say anything. If at the end of it we qualify and say, so remember that, you bigots. You bigots. Anyway. I can't believe that you listened to that entire sentence guys If you had any
Starting point is 00:22:47 Empathy in your souls You would have switched off this podcast by now And walked out There's no way you would have sat through That Tyrate of just Narrow thinking And
Starting point is 00:22:59 Stereo Typifying Stereo Typifying Don't typify my stereo Alright I've lost my train of thought Sorry I did interrupt you pretty consistently Stereotypifying. Stereotypifying. Don't typify my stereo. All right. I've lost my train of thought.
Starting point is 00:23:07 Sorry. I did interrupt you pretty consistently. That's fine. Andy, deep down, you're probably... I think, out of all people, you're the person I can joke around with the most by saying you're an awful person and that it will really bother you. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:23:27 Yeah, no, that definitely bothers me. because i think you're both a good person but you also really believe you're a good person like like in my mind say saying you're an awful person to somebody that's the best insult because i think everybody really like everybody wants to be a good person and thinks that some you know even people who are kind of assholes think that they're a good person, but you truly believe it and you not only feel like you have... Oh, this is, Alistair, this is much more insulting than you telling me that I was an awful person. No, but not only... That'd be what you used to come down and you'd say, but you think you're a good person.
Starting point is 00:23:57 Yeah, no, no, no, no, but not only do you think you're a good person and but you and you that you've got evidence of it and you've sort of collected evidence and to sort of back it up you also go the extra mile a lot of time because you're a good person but also i think because you're like no i'm not saying that there's motives in it but anyway so when i call you a bad person yeah i think it bothers you the most which makes it the most fun to call you a bad person but the people who i really want to call a bad person is the people who are actually bad people but think that they're good people yeah but it just doesn't affect them as much no and so you know for me for my buck for my calling somebody a bad person buck your your top dollar, your best value.
Starting point is 00:24:48 Thank you. Thank you. I try. Yeah, well, I know you do. I try really hard. I know you do. It's all just part of the service that I provide. Yeah, and it's good.
Starting point is 00:24:56 I want to be a good person for Alistair so that when he calls me a bad person, he can really enjoy it. No, that's not the reason you want to... That's one of the reasons. No, but it's not really. I don't know why people want to be good people. Why do you think we want to be good people? It's probably some sort of sickness. We haven't come up...
Starting point is 00:25:16 Probably a flaw in my upbringing. Do you think so? Yeah. I was probably complimented too much as a child for being nice. I know. And since then it's just been like a thing where I'm like, no. But why would you value for being nice and you're like, yeah, I am nice, and then you'd value it?
Starting point is 00:25:35 Or is it like, or you've gotten to a point where you're like, this is the highest quality that a person can have. I think maybe that's what it is. And also it probably is. I think probably being a good person is the highest quality somebody can have. And you, like an asshole, has to have that quality.
Starting point is 00:25:55 I don't know if any of this is true. No, but... Andy. Did you... When you were... You had a genuine, awful feeling there. Andy, like, had a genuine awful feeling there. Andy, wanting to be a good person is not a bad thing. And then on top of that...
Starting point is 00:26:11 But I don't know if I even am, Alistair. I know. It's way too much pressure in every element of what we're talking about. Yeah, you think so? Yeah. Oh, man, this is getting tense. All right. Well...
Starting point is 00:26:24 When you were a teenager. Yeah. Or young. Yeah. Okay. I used to be nice to people. Right? And I'd do things like, you know, pulling out people's chairs or helping people at the
Starting point is 00:26:33 door and stuff. Right? Yeah. And a few people in my family would say, Andy, if you keep this kind of behavior up, you're going to have no problem with ladies when you're older. That was a thing that was said to me quite a few times. Really? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:26:47 Yeah. And I think it's led to me having a lot of trouble with ladies since I've been older. Yeah. Because I think that in my mind, like, I just try and be nice to people. Yeah. And in my mind, I'm like, well, all I got to do is just be nice to people. And then these ladies yeah i think whoever was saying that also had no concept of what it's like getting ladies like because like
Starting point is 00:27:14 i mean do you think people get ladies by pulling the chairs out for people i don't know no they don't you don't have to not know. No. Like, oh, I like the way that guy pulled that. That strange man that I don't know pulled that chair out for me. Oh, yeah. Like, that's the creepiest, one of the creepiest things you can do. Well, yeah, I was being raised to be a fucking creep. No, but like, but you don't do that now.
Starting point is 00:27:40 No, I don't. I had to learn not to, though. I had to unlearn a lot of the things that I was told were nice. But who ever said that might have been a creep. Oh, God. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Or they just had a weird view of what it's like to interact with women.
Starting point is 00:27:59 That was a different time. It was a different time. It was a different time. It was the 90s. They probably were courting in the 70s and 80s there you go back then it was all just pulling chairs out and things like that it was before a second or third wave of feminism they didn't realize people just wanted to be treated normally this was this was in one of the the calm patches between the waves yeah you know in a in a in a lull yeah oh anyway but now now finally feminism is
Starting point is 00:28:26 is is is coming back strong and we don't have to do nice things anymore we don't have to be nice to each other anymore if anything it's encouraged to just you know just be really apathetic towards each other and if you listened to that entire last statement about feminism, and you didn't switch off the podcast, then that means you're a horrible misogynist. Because that's a very narrow-minded view of what feminism actually means, telling people you can't be nice to women anymore. Anyway, we're discussing it.
Starting point is 00:29:00 Is that true? Is that true? That's a really thin... I would say that's a pretty... Well, I didn't say this is all feminism. This is what all feminism is. It's fine. It's fine. You're prejudiced against...
Starting point is 00:29:13 Well, yes. ...everyone. Yeah, of course. What do you think of those people who are like, I'm not a misogynist. I hate everyone equally. I feel like on the internet, there's a lot of people who are like, oh, people are shit, aren't they?
Starting point is 00:29:29 I hate people. People, people, people. Yeah. And for some reason, that really annoys me. Yeah, but that's because, okay, that doesn't mean that you're not a misogynist. It means that you're a misogynist and a racist. But then you also hate people of your own... Yeah. Of your own creed and sex and...
Starting point is 00:29:48 Yeah. And social group. That actually just means you're not a good person. Yeah. Not like Andy. All right. You're going to have to come up with a really good sketch idea to get out of this. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:30:03 I've definitely taken us into a bit of a, okay. Oh, extremely unpleasant territory. Calling you a nice person? Yes. Because you don't like to talk about it because you're such a good person. No, because I'm a bad person pretending to be a nice person. I don't like to have drawn attention to. No?
Starting point is 00:30:19 Is that true? I don't know. It could be. No, I don't think so. Well, it's a possibility that I keep alive in my mind. I think good people think they're bad people. That's just another example of why you're such a good person, Andy. A stereotype, even.
Starting point is 00:30:38 You couldn't be less unique. Alright, time for sketch ideas So Water slides If there's an international criminal court Why can't there be an international nice guy court Why can't you be dragged up in front of the Hague And be prosecuted for your
Starting point is 00:30:57 Kindness against humanity That would be great What would happen there He's one of the nicest guys, but he refuses to admit it. He's gone into hiding in Bosnia. And then we find him. Here he is. He's growing a beard, and he's giving out flowers to ambulance drivers.
Starting point is 00:31:21 What a nice guy. He thought he could hide But we tracked him down And he's so Nice guy Hunter And he's just so humble too Like about it He's just like He's so humble
Starting point is 00:31:32 No no please No no I don't Stop it Yeah Stop pretending It's time to stop running We found you And we've got something to give you
Starting point is 00:31:42 Is there a jury Or is this like a supreme court Is this the High Court? You know, I went to that. This is an international court. This is... Yeah, I'd say there's a jury. There's a jury?
Starting point is 00:31:52 Yeah. In an international court, how do they pick a jury? Like, do they send jury duty notices to people all around the world? It's like summoning the... The Avengers. Maybe the Avengers. Planeteers is what I was going to say And they come together From all creeds
Starting point is 00:32:11 To decide whether you're Guilty of being a Kind hearted person And then you get locked up Just to give the universe Take him away Take him really like rough him up yeah you're gonna be you're going away for a long time you're not gonna be able to do anything nice for anyone anymore yeah i think that's fun yeah like i think i think i mean that would be kind of like it could be just a one joke
Starting point is 00:32:47 thing but take him away and then they lock him up and then he just sits there and then the can camera sort of pans out and he's just kind of sad and and then sad music plays It pans out and he starts writing a greeting card to a long lost relative. And then somebody bashes him. It's just like Oz from then on. And it's just like, it's a horrible place. They're all really nice people, but they just act like prisoners. So they have to like... That's really confusing.
Starting point is 00:33:22 It's a prison filled of really nice people. And individually, they're really nice but but then they're they're they're against competitors like like nobody's alpha like the alpha nice guy has to like get the fuck out of here i'm the nicest guy here get the fuck over here yeah give me a hug and they like push each other up against walls they're just hugging people oh yeah in the showers But I was imagining them being really violent so that they could be the... But that's way too confusing. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:49 I guess so. I just called it... It had some complexity to it. I mean, they could still be sort of violent so they could, like, hold people down and do nice things for them.
Starting point is 00:33:57 Yeah, okay, that's good. Yeah, they were really aggressively nice. Yeah. They hold them down and they do their nails and stuff. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:04 Ah, you're looking real pretty there, huh you're looking real pretty there huh yeah real pretty look like you like that youthful look on you is giving you a glow yeah all right i think international uh international you can get anything you need with uber eats well almost, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea and ice cream? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. An all-nice guy caught at the Hague. And I like the idea of when they get the jury together,
Starting point is 00:34:44 they sum them together like the Planeteers, and it's just all the nicest people from all the nicest countries on Earth. They're selected, and they unify to bring justice. But then won't they get trialed after that? Yeah, they all get burned. Well, I mean, I guess they would, yeah, but they get burned. This is like a nice guy holocaust. Oh. Yes. No, let's not go there.
Starting point is 00:35:10 Let's not go there, Alistair. All right. Let's walk away. Just walk away. Just put down the concept. Put down. But wait, but look, let me just show you. No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:35:23 Alistair, keep your hands and your mental faculties where I can see them. Okay. Don't reach for any conclusions. But Andy, I just want to say, okay, so it's a nice guy. All right. Just stop. Okay, be quiet. Clear your mind.
Starting point is 00:35:43 Clear your mind. Lay down. Say this tongue twister. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Focus on nothingness. Peter, focus on your breathing. Come on. In and out.
Starting point is 00:36:00 Come on. Yeah. That's good. You got me out of that. Thank you. Come on. Yeah. That's good. You got me out of that. Thank you. All right. I'm going to go guys on the edges of buildings. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:14 Like on the top? Yeah, like standing teetering on the very edge. Looking over the side. Looking over the side like that. Imagining jumping. Imagining. Falling. Imagining. Falling. Imagining...
Starting point is 00:36:26 not falling. Imagining stepping backwards to safety. People... He's up there. He's saying, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And everyone's like, what? What are you going to do?
Starting point is 00:36:44 Are you going to step backwards to safety or over the edge? I've had enough. I'm going to do it. What are you going to do? We don't know. You're on the edge. You could go both ways. there's two places to go you're going to be more need to be more specific don't try and stop me from doing what we need to know whether
Starting point is 00:37:17 we won't try to stop you we won't try to stop you okay thanks, thanks. You were being too loud, and I was trying to indicate to go away from the microphone, and you thought I wanted you to come closer to the microphone. It's very much what was going on in the sketch. I think, yeah, that could almost work even without the people saying, we don't know what you're going to do. He could just be standing there and he says, I'm going to do it.
Starting point is 00:37:48 I'm going to do it. I'm going to step off this ledge. And then he steps backwards. I like having the people there. Yeah. We don't know whether or not we should try to stop you. One of the choices doesn't require us to do anything. But if you tell us that you're
Starting point is 00:38:08 planning on going forward off the building, tumbling to your death, then we may intervene if we have the time. I've had enough. Enough what? Enough bad things
Starting point is 00:38:22 or enough good things? Enough with the ambiguity. Yeah, we've had enough. We've had enough of it. We need clarity. Yeah. Alright.
Starting point is 00:38:36 Go stand on the edge. You're going to do what? That could literally be anything, okay? You, you could be going to buy a bagel, okay? We don't know what, anyway, look, we've called, We've called the fire department and a food van because we still... What are we to do? We're keeping our options open, but it would help us a lot. We don't want to be ill-prepared. We're super helpful.
Starting point is 00:39:21 We speak in almost a single tone. We're super helpful. We speak in almost a single tone. We've put a large inflatable bag below you here. But then we've also put a comfortable chair behind you. Because we still don't know. Anyway. There you go.
Starting point is 00:39:48 I think that was definitely a scam. An exploration. An exploration of the mind of someone who's suicidal or life-icidal. What is acidal? It means to kill. Really? Yeah, like insecticide. Oh, yeah. Regicide. Infanticide. Infanticide. It? Yeah, like insecticide. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:05 Regicide. Infanticide. Infanticide. That's just very childish. Yeah, that's true. Oh, it's childish. That's childish. Infanticide.
Starting point is 00:40:15 Childish. So childish. Oh, yeah. You bigot. Just got me out of that. So, Andy, I'm bettering myself now. Yeah? Yeah. Every day in every way. Pretty much in every way. Uh, I'm writing every morning and, uh, and this time I'm not going to better myself. Like I'm just not going to start bettering
Starting point is 00:40:40 myself and then stop like I've done every other time before this time it's for real this time it's for life wow have you ever done anything for life do you realize that like you when you better yourself you can't become better right and then you're saying you're bettering yourself you've then got to better that guy yeah it's got's got to be a constant. Every day I get better and better. Every opportunity. However, I'm drinking a cup of tea, I'm like, this is shitty now, but I'm going to be so good at that. But what does it mean to better oneself?
Starting point is 00:41:17 I mean, surely the better thing is to be comfortable with who you are. Maybe I'd be a better guy if I didn't try to better myself all the time. No, that's been my methodology for a long time. Really? You've actually thought that? Yeah, yeah, that I'm like, I'm good enough. Yeah. Yeah. And true happiness.
Starting point is 00:41:38 Turns out I was wrong. And I see that now. Yeah. I don't know if I like this new better you He seems really judgmental No yeah No no no But I wouldn't
Starting point is 00:41:49 I wouldn't apply the same The same Scorn to other people As I do to myself Because you don't have to Want to better yourself This new Alistair Is so mean to the old Alistair
Starting point is 00:42:02 Yeah that's fine Oh actually I don't really hate him I just I'm just better than him I think I prefer the old Alistair's so mean to the old Alistair. Yeah, that's fine. Oh, actually, I don't really hate him. I just... I'm just better than him. I think I prefer the old Alistair. Yeah? Oh. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:42:11 This is completely... I'm happy for both of you. You think so? Even old Alistair, who's now dead? Yes. You're happy for dead Alistair? Yes, he's at peace. He's at peace.
Starting point is 00:42:22 No, he's not. Oh. He's in turmoil. He's still... He's trying to no he's not he's in turmoil he's still he's trying to get out he wants to come back oh but you're just holding him down yeah this is slightly it's like dr jekyll and mr hyde but it's only like i'm slightly better so i'm don't you think dr jekyll sounds like a much more evil name than Mr. Hyde? Yeah. Mr. Hyde was the wild animal, and Dr. Jekyll was the good guy.
Starting point is 00:42:50 Yeah. And you're like, okay, so you've got two options for this date you're about to go on. Do you want to go on a date with Mr. Hyde or with Dr. Jekyll? Gee. I feel like you biased one of the sides by going, Dr. Jekyll. I tried to not. I was going to do it really rough.
Starting point is 00:43:10 Dr. Jekyll. But then I didn't. I thought I was being fair. Would you like to... Andy, would you like to go on a date with Samantha Booze or Claudia Smith. Now remember, Samantha Booz, Claudia Smith.
Starting point is 00:43:40 Claudia Smith. I'm dying. I'm dying. But that's unrelated. It's dying. But that's unrelated. It's unrelated. But that's unrelated. It's unrelated. I've smoked a lot of cigarettes to get where I am.
Starting point is 00:43:54 I'll call you a doctor. I'll jack off. So you're bettering yourself. Yeah. See, what do you think of this thing that like, if you're going to do something good, I think you told me this, if you're going to do something good,
Starting point is 00:44:13 you should not tell people. Because if you tell people, you're less likely to do it because you get the endorphins. That's true. Without even doing the good thing. I take it back. I'm not bettering myself that's
Starting point is 00:44:25 the way yeah it's better than when it is better that is the thing that i think about a lot you did tell me that didn't you was that i think that came from you yeah so like if you if you're thinking about doing something nice and you tell people it your brain still sort of gives you that feeling of satisfaction as if you'd almost done the thing it It's not quite as good, but it's pretty good. And so a lot of the time people are like, oh, well, I've resolved to do this thing. I feel great. I don't even have to do the thing now.
Starting point is 00:44:51 And then they never do the thing. Yeah, like if I tell people I'm going to write a bit about something, I'm like, yeah, I'm writing a bit about advertising and spin and things like that. I never do it. Yeah. Because I just, I'm like, oh, that's done.
Starting point is 00:45:02 I've said that. I've done the bit where I tell people about it. That's pretty good. Yeah, so I think I'm bit where I tell people about it. That's pretty good. Yeah, so I think I'm not going to tell people anything anymore. That's great. And you'll do everything. Yeah, I'm going to do so many things. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:45:12 Like, ask me what I'm doing this afternoon. Alistair, what are you doing this afternoon? Why don't you mind your own fucking business? And then I come back and the house is just completely renovated. Yeah, and I've got like i've got a portrait of each of the loved people in my life you've lost 60 kilos 60 kilos i'm now 25 kilos i'll say alistair i wish you'd told me you're barely a you're practically a wisp yeah and well well you know yeah almost like a lot of the time, I think you've got to like, I've noticed that you've got to almost like not even admit it to yourself that you're going to do these things.
Starting point is 00:45:52 Like, you know, sometimes when I think about doing something good or nice, I'm like, oh, so great that I'm thinking about that thing. That thing's going to be so great when I do it. And I sort of give, you know, pick myself up and give myself, yeah, like all this credit for doing something. And then you're like... You've got to hide it from yourself. Yeah, totally. And you've got to...
Starting point is 00:46:12 You do things when you're not really like dwelling on them. When it's just a thing that needs to be done rather than the thing that you think about how great it's going to be. Like, I don't know, there's got to be a way to, like, separate the action from the perceived consequences. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:46:33 You've got to not be like, hmm. You've got to be actions-focused. I think you've just got to be, well, I don't know, you've kind of got to like. Not outcomes. But it's weird because, like, people who are goal-focused, they're like, I'm going to have an album written. But they also know that they're not like, it's going to be so great to have an album.
Starting point is 00:46:53 This is a problem with me. I'm like, I've got to write some new materials. How cool is it going to be when I'm going to have 30 new minutes of material? It's going to be great. That means I'm going to have an hour and a half of good stuff. I can imagine getting up there and just being great at comedy. This is the best.
Starting point is 00:47:09 This is pretty great being good at comedy. Might have a cup of tea. How great is it going to be when I have this cup of tea? Can you just imagine having the warmth in my mouth? Just the flavour that I like. I love flavours that I like. I'm going to come up with a really good thing to do. How great is it going to feel when I'm congratulating myself for the really great thing that I'm about to do?
Starting point is 00:47:32 Can there be a sketch or like a series of sketches on just a guy who, it's called like saying things from a couch. And it's like just a guy in his tracksuit pants and like a dirty t-shirt yeah and he's just telling somebody like a maybe either a housemate or a girlfriend who's walking around the house doing things yeah and he's just telling him telling her or him about all the things that he's gonna do yeah it's like and then i'm gonna go and i'm gonna probably gonna travel through norway because i like uh i just i'm gonna get it like like reindeer and actually recreate the whole santa claus experience uh by myself and and like actually get a sleigh like that properly and then bring presents to people and the norwegians are gonna be the guy that you need to like be keep on coming
Starting point is 00:48:24 back yeah as his life slowly gets worse and worse because he's not really doing anything and then bring presents to people, and the Norwegians are going to... I feel like this is a guy that you need to keep on coming back to, as his life slowly gets worse and worse, because he's not really doing anything. And he's on the streets, he's in a gutter, talking to another hobo, and he's like, yeah, and then I'm going to take that money, and I'm going to invest it in building an app to make free phone calls to landlines.lines yeah and you're giving a lot of advice yeah because you gotta not look you got you gotta not waste your time on courses okay what you should be doing is just working on your craft yeah all right okay that's the only place the way you're gonna improve don't okay don't try to go and see people who are professionals in this field.
Starting point is 00:49:05 It's just a distraction. Everything you do that isn't the work is a distraction. You know, you'll tell, you'll be just, you'll probably tell yourself
Starting point is 00:49:13 that you're doing research. Yeah. But you're not doing research. What you're doing is wasting time. Okay? There's no research like
Starting point is 00:49:21 working on the thing. Is there any of that pizza left? That's what he's going to say at the end. But I actually think there might be some pizza left. Yeah, that's good, yeah. Is that what you were thinking about while we were having that conversation? No, but, like, I was thinking that he has to, like, also show some slob qualities. Slob qualities.
Starting point is 00:49:41 Other than just his sitting down and being on a couch. Yeah. How can you show a guy's life being so decrepit? That's a good word. I like the combination of words, slob qualities. Yeah. Slob. Yeah. Slob qualities. I'm going to write this down, but I think we need at least one more sketch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that's a bit vague. I'm going to write this down, but I think we need at least one more sketch. Yeah, because that's a bit vague. It's a bit vague? Do you think that's a bit vague? Okay.
Starting point is 00:50:11 But I think that guy's inside of all of us. I mean, eventually he will be when he gets his dream. And then I'm going to be inside all of you? I'm going to be inside everybody. And then I'm going to become like a god and ascend to a higher plane of being and just be this creature of pure energy that inhabits sort of a spirit world that we can only access when we're most at peace. Anyway. And then tomorrow...
Starting point is 00:50:41 Yeah. I'm going to start doing... Because he knows a little bit about everything. I'm going to start doing... Because he knows a little bit about everything. I'm going to start doing yoga because it's a thing. Basically, I'm just describing what I think I am. I actually... Yeah, that's actually who I think I am. Oh, that's fun.
Starting point is 00:50:57 Yeah. Yeah, he's a good guy. Well, you know, but I think that's what... You know, like... It's like... It's like, you know, how Larry David, I'm not comparing myself to Larry David. I'm just saying, like, how he, like, his character is basically him, but all the things that he kind of wants to do. Yeah, I feel the same about Ricky Gervais and David Brent in a way.
Starting point is 00:51:22 Yeah. Like, if he didn't have, if he wasn't self-aware, this is the person he would be. Yeah. Yeah, and same thing with Larry David. It's like, if he could just cross all those social boundaries all the time, that's the kind of guy he would be.
Starting point is 00:51:37 Well, me, it's a little bit like that, but it's more like, this is the guy that, in the worst outcome of my life i'm gonna be yeah and but yeah it's also kind of lacking that self-awareness but i mean that we all have this idea of me even just saying that i'm bettering myself is one of those delusions oh yeah yeah anyway um all right we Anyway We've got to come up with one or two more sketch ideas One or two more sketch ideas A guy's dog runs away
Starting point is 00:52:11 And he runs away in the park And it goes over to this pile of leaves And it's snuffling in there And the guy goes over And he goes oh my god and he sees there's like a human hand sticking out from under the this pile of leaves yeah right and uh and he and he calls up uh the police and he says hi um i've found a uh see i don't want it to be a dead body yeah well i mean could it be like you actually get to see it and it kind of looks like a dead body
Starting point is 00:52:47 yeah and then when the police get there the guy goes oh I had such a big night last night like that and he just fell asleep under some leaves I think so but maybe that's not that's not strong enough like I'd like it to be even more
Starting point is 00:53:03 of a subversion of that okay that like but maybe that's not strong enough. Like, I'd like it to be even more of a subversion of that. Okay? That, like, the guy sits up and it's just like a well-dressed CEO or something. Yeah. And like, oh, sorry, I thought you were dead. No, just having a power nap. Wait, what about it?
Starting point is 00:53:26 What else could it be? Yeah. Okay. Okay. So it could be a photo shoot. Okay. It could be a... So, yeah, photo art installation,
Starting point is 00:53:41 same thing. It could be a Buddhist. I'm not dead. He could be a Buddhist. I'm not dead, I'm just a Buddhist. The police come out and they see the body. And they say, did you put this here? He says, no. No. Well, I'm not going to clean it up.
Starting point is 00:54:04 Somebody must have put this here. There's a $200 fine for littering. Littering in this park? I didn't... It's a dead body. Shouldn't you be... Shouldn't I what? Shouldn't I clean up your mess?
Starting point is 00:54:18 Look, mate, there's a fine for dumping dead bodies here. It says no dumping. Yeah, and if you can get rid of it, I could look the other way. Yeah, I can let you off with a warning. What about lost property? Just take it down to lost property. Ah.
Starting point is 00:54:42 Does it have a collar? Is there any identification? No. Alright, I guess we'll take it down to lost property and see if anybody claims... No one acknowledges the fact that it's a dead body. They just treat it as an object. Okay. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:00 I'm going to write it down. Look, it looks valuable. Dead guy... It looks quite nice. I mean, this is an expensive suit. Somebody's probably going to be looking for this. I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll take it down to the station.
Starting point is 00:55:14 And look, obviously, if no one claims it, you can have it. But we'll do our best to identify the owner of this thing. One more. Okay, here we go. Clouds. All right. Yep. Guys are lying on their back looking up at some clouds.
Starting point is 00:55:41 Angels. Angels are in the clouds. Up above the clouds? They're in the clouds. In the clouds. They're talking about what they look like. Angels are in the clouds. Up above the clouds? They're in the clouds, yeah. In the clouds. They're standing on the clouds. Yep. And they're talking about cream cheese.
Starting point is 00:55:53 This is an ad. No, no, no. This is the Philadelphia cheese ad. No, no, no, not this one. Okay, they're talking about cream cheese, and they're like, I think I'm getting fat because of all the milk I've been drinking. And he goes, that's not the milk, man. It's the cream cheese.
Starting point is 00:56:12 And they're like, what do you mean? It's light. That's light cream cheese that I'm eating. No, no, no. He goes, do you ever wonder why there's so much dairy up here? I mean, have you ever seen a cow? Where's it coming from? That's all I'm saying.
Starting point is 00:56:34 Why do we even eat? I think... We don't have physical bodies. I think God makes it somehow. But I'm kind of grossed out. I don't want to think about it too much. I'm trying to work out, like, does he have teats?
Starting point is 00:56:52 And then it turns out that God is actually being exploited by a multi- like a big large corporation. They're milking God from his big divine nipples. His big man nipples. Like old man nipples. Like his big...
Starting point is 00:57:11 But he's actually... God's body's always shown as being pretty, like Arnold Schwarzenegger's kind of like big... Yeah, he's old, but he's ripped. Yeah, he's ripped. He's got that white beard, but then just he's got toned. Just like...
Starting point is 00:57:24 There's not an ounce of fat on him. It's because all the fat is going into the milk. Okay, it's not angels in heaven, right? It's just some people standing there saying, Oh, this Philadelphia cheese, it's so amazing it's so how do you think they make it this delicious right and the camera moves up
Starting point is 00:57:51 and it pans up and it goes up and up and it goes through the clouds and it goes up to heaven where God is being kept chained in like a pen with things milking yeah milking his teats
Starting point is 00:58:03 and some farmers are leaning on the fence going it's a pretty good yield this year what are you feeding him just keeping him on the grains he does pretty well I put him on the oats
Starting point is 00:58:24 once a week, but any more than that and he just farts too. We need another sketch idea as well. Going for eight. I don't know if we've ever done eight before. Well, we're breaking boundaries. This is our comeback episode. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:58:37 All right. So, okay. It is. This is a big... This is a... This is a comeback episode. Yeah. Guy approaches another guy and he's got his tongue sticking out.
Starting point is 00:58:47 Like when you're about to stick a wooden stick on their tongue to press it down. Yeah, a tongue depressor. You know, that's a depressant. Sorry, okay. You've been wondering why you're so sad. You want a tongue stimulator Whoa look at it go Up as it goes
Starting point is 00:59:09 Okay And then the guy's like What You want me to put something In your mouth He goes uh huh And he goes What
Starting point is 00:59:19 And he kind of keeps Trying to like Show him something By moving his head You know like how you Try to direct people to things with your head. But it's, like, one of the worst ways of directing people. Yeah, it's terrible. And then the guy just follows him.
Starting point is 00:59:32 And they walk down the street. And he's like, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh. And he keeps following him. And they go into a laundry. A laundry. Yep. Yeah. And the guy gets to that little place where you put two dollars in.
Starting point is 00:59:48 You get a little sachet of laundry powder. Yeah. Like that. And then the guy puts two bucks in and he goes, really, this? He goes, ha, ha, ha, ha. Like that. And he pours it onto his tongue and the guy guy's mouth closes, and he... And it starts to foam up. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:00:07 And then... And then he goes, thanks. He wipes his mouth, and then he walks away. I don't know. I couldn't find an end to it. Or a middle,
Starting point is 01:00:18 or a beginning. No, it had a story. Oh, it absolutely had a story. Andy, that was maybe the most engaged I've ever seen. I was really engaged. Yeah. I like that guy
Starting point is 01:00:27 trying, you know, just sort of getting someone to follow him down the street for some strange reason. Yeah. But I think you raised too many questions.
Starting point is 01:00:36 Yeah. Like, there's so many questions in that sketch that have to be answered. You know what they say? If you bring a gun on, you must fire it. Okay, could he take him to a high chair and then there's like a little bowl of baby food
Starting point is 01:00:54 on there and a spoon and he's never learned how to eat properly or ask for food. It's just, he's got that technique down from when he was a kid and he just never learned how. Just never had to learn how. Never had to learn how. Never got past that phase. Yeah. I think if you eat like that until you're 14 or so, it's just very hard to lose it.
Starting point is 01:01:18 What about someone who's teething? Yeah. But as an adult? Yeah. I've an adult. Yeah. I've just got to chew on this rusk. My teeth are coming through.
Starting point is 01:01:31 Ow. Ow. It's so painful. This sucks. How much did this suck when this happened to you? What are you talking about? You know,
Starting point is 01:01:39 when your teeth came through. Maybe he thinks there's a third set of teeth coming through. He's like, oh, my teeth. Now that's it. My teeth were getting wiggly, and I just wiggled them enough,
Starting point is 01:01:51 and then they just came out. So the next set must be coming through. Yeah, the next set must be coming through. And then he's like, ah, ah, ah, it's so painful. The next set must be coming through. And then the only teeth that do come through are his wisdom teeth.
Starting point is 01:02:07 So he's just got like four teeth right at the back. He's like, no, there's no more. He's like, but they just, the back ones just came through. The others must be on their way. Wisdom teeth are a fucking weird thing. Like, in a way that, yeah, adults do have more teeth that come through.
Starting point is 01:02:21 Yeah. And then your wisdom teeth. Yeah. That's weird. Oh. But then it's a guy with only wisdom teeth. But you can't do that as a sketch. Why? Because it's not visible.
Starting point is 01:02:33 There's no way to represent it. Yeah, you show the teeth wiggling, and then he gets them all out, and then he gets all his teeth come out, right? Right. Yeah, write it down. Somebody might have to animate it, but then, and he's like,
Starting point is 01:02:46 yeah, look, my back ones just came out like that. And then he's like, no, there's no more. But then teeth do come through,
Starting point is 01:02:53 okay, and they're beautiful. No, but they're even bigger. They're even bigger. He's discovered the third, third generation teeth, third Third generation teeth Third generation of teeth
Starting point is 01:03:06 And they're like He's got two that kind of Cover pretty much most of the front Along the sides You basically get All sort of flat ones Like the top ones Except for your back wisdom teeth
Starting point is 01:03:22 Big long flat ones That would look scary. All right, I'm writing it down. Okay, that's sketch eight. Guy gets big weird teeth as a third set of teeth come through. He chews on a rusk and he maybe cries a lot and he has trouble sleeping. Wakes up in the middle of the night.
Starting point is 01:03:45 I mean, it's a pretty horrible thing to have to happen to someone. I don't know why we would put a sketch character through that. Do you think it's more of a short story type thing? I think it could be a short story. It could be like metamorphosis. Yeah. Kafka. It'd just open up whole new industries.
Starting point is 01:04:01 It would just... You know, the world would be changed by this man. Yeah. Just because he wiggled his teeth too much and then he was the first guy. You know,
Starting point is 01:04:08 I have that fear that I would, because like when I was a kid and like after I got my, like, you know, my baby teeth
Starting point is 01:04:14 came out, right, and you wiggle them and you could wiggle them and sometimes some of them weren't even really that wiggly
Starting point is 01:04:19 but you could just wiggle them until they started coming out. Oh, that's horrible. I don't like thinking about it. I smashed some of my teeth out with a wooden bottle once. When you were a kid?
Starting point is 01:04:28 Yeah. Oh, that's awful. Yeah. But then you got a new set of teeth, right? But then when I had those new teeth, I was like, you can kind of wiggle them a bit. And I was like, but these are my teeth for life, right? And they're like, yeah.
Starting point is 01:04:44 And I'm like, I'm not touching them And then that's just been I've had to hold that In my head Just don't wiggle them Don't wiggle No matter how much No matter how much
Starting point is 01:04:52 Pleasure Like I mean that's basically How they take teeth out Isn't it They kind of twist them And wiggle You can wiggle them A little bit
Starting point is 01:04:59 Don't try Andy Don't get into that habit This should come out Oh there's a little tooth behind it Oh this is This is great I'll get the others
Starting point is 01:05:11 No Andy Stop it Oh this is awful There you go Now I don't have any facial structure Because I don't have my teeth in So that's the end of this episode. That's the end of the episode.
Starting point is 01:05:27 You want to take us through the sketches that we've achieved today, Alistair? Bands of writers. Covering others' work. Covering great writers. And they've been endorsed by their really... Desperate widows. Desperate widows. Hitch 2, the West Wing Man, which is Will Smith and Jaden Smith.
Starting point is 01:05:49 I don't know if it's Will Smith and Jaden Smith. I think that was too silly. Yeah. And then... Yeah, it was. That's why we're doing it. International nice guy court. Take him away.
Starting point is 01:06:01 He goes to prison. And then his top dog is the nicest guy and all that kind of stuff. Yep. Guys standing on the edge with a confused audience who are like, but where? You're going to do which one? Step off what? Off the ledge back into the building or off to your death?
Starting point is 01:06:23 You're not being very clear uh then we got guy standing on the way there he said that one sloppy guy talks about all the things he's gonna do yeah he's got slob qualities slob qualities uh which is a fun thing to say dead guy in park no one acknowledges is a dead guy and takes treated Treated as a lost property. Treated as a lost property, yeah. Then there's God getting milk to make Philadelphia. Yep. The movie.
Starting point is 01:06:54 That's what the people are actually... The corporation is actually funding the film Philadelphia. Oh. Two. Philadelphia's yeah and and then guy
Starting point is 01:07:09 who has big third generation teeth thinks he's teething and turns out he is
Starting point is 01:07:16 it turns out that he is there you go that's the end of the show guys thank you so much for listening
Starting point is 01:07:21 I think that was a pretty big comeback there pretty solid comeback some stuff that I'm happy with yeah great
Starting point is 01:07:26 that's what I'm happy you want to take us out yeah with a bit of music music
Starting point is 01:07:31 music music music music music music music music
Starting point is 01:07:44 music music Thanks a lot. Thanks, guys. You guys are really great. We like it when you listen to the show. It's so windy. Oh, my God. Oh, shh. Oh, shh.
Starting point is 01:08:03 Thank you so much, guys. Best. I think I hear a noise. What is that? Is it just wind or is it people whispering? I think it's wind. Oh, no. You're right. People whispering about the wind.
Starting point is 01:08:14 Oh, my God. The wind is whispering about people. The wind is whispering about people. Okay, bye, guys. Bye, see you later. Thanks for listening. It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything.
Starting point is 01:08:31 So, no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Gold tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those, too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now.
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