Two In The Think Tank - 14 - "MRU"

Episode Date: July 26, 2013

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Do the thing you did before. Do it like you did before. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah yeah, yeah No, that's wrong Hi guys, welcome to Two in the Think Tank This is the episode 14 on the new timeline On the new timeline Yeah, we've relaunched the timeline

After the last three Yeah, yeah, after the, we had a lost season Yeah, the lost season of three We're doing a half UK TV season. It's a three-episode season. We thought, oh, you know those UK when they do a six-episode season thing? I think that's a little bit too much. They kind of run out of ideas.

So we're stepping it back and we're going three-eps. Three-eps. Three-epsies. Yeah. That's what we call it. Yeah, cool. It's beautiful. It's beautiful? Yeah. You got what we call it. Yeah, cool. It's beautiful. It's beautiful?

Yeah. You got nice teeth, Andy. I never noticed that. Like the color? You got a whitening? You got a whitening? No, stop it, Alistair. What?

Okay. No, keep going. Okay. Did you get a whitening? Did you get a whitening? Andy? Whitening? No.

Got a clean done? No. No, I haven't had anything done. But thanks for noticing. That's great. Maybe it's in this light. Maybe, I haven't had anything done. But thanks for noticing. That's great. Maybe it's in this light. Maybe it's in this white light.

Could be the light. Could be the harsh whiteness of the light. No, but doesn't usually fluorescent white light make us all look awful? But maybe we're not normally backlit. Yeah. Maybe it's the backlighting. It's having that light sort of there. Yeah.

Guys, it's behind me. Listeners, it's behind me. Listeners, it's behind me. Is it bad form to talk about actual location of things on audio mediums? People don't want a picture painted for them. No, exactly. This is the glory of the podcasting medium is they can imagine

where the lights are. They're sitting at home. They've got a picture of maybe some, you know, we've got a small roof mounted, one of those little dome lights. You come in, suddenly it's a fluorescent light behind me. Yeah, they're like, oh, I wish you hadn't told me. In my mind, it had a nice shade. It was an antique lamp, chandelier.

Dangling. Dangling. You guys were all wearing pearls. Don't tell me that you're not wearing pearls. Don't tell me. I don't want to know. But I do know that Andy's got some nice white ones. Pearls.

Pearls. Pearly teeth. Oh. I was trying to talk about your teeth. Yeah. When they make the movie of this podcast, I'm sure a lot of people are going to come out and complain about how the light wasn't where they imagined that it was

and they wish that we just left it as a podcast. The podcast was better. Yeah. I listened to the podcast before I saw the movie. I wonder whether that happened with those... They made a TV series off the back of that guy who made that Twitter account, Shit My Dad Says. Yeah. And people went, because it apparently didn't go very well.

Oh, really? The TV show, so. You wouldn't have thought that, you know, one line tweets. But apparently the tweets were better, so. There you go. Yeah. Do you think that when they first invented the written form of narrative, people were like, ah, this was much better when it was an oral tradition?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I think so. Just writing stories down. No, telling stories around the campfire with your Neanderthal chums. Yeah, and showing just like an antelope in sort of paint that you've got from, you know, like muck on the ground, right? And you paint an antelope and people were just going, the meat was better.

Oh, I think I prefer actual antelopes. That's fair enough. If you're a hunter-gatherer and somebody came in with a picture of an antelope and said, I've got dinner ready. And somebody came in with a picture of an antelope and said, I've got dinner ready. I imagine there would have been a time where people didn't understand the difference. And you know when trains, the first ever film was like, there was this film of this train, or like one of the very early films was this film of this train coming towards the screen.

And they showed it in cinemas and people ran out screaming. The first drawing, it would have been Neanderthals looking at that drawing of the antelope. Throwing spears at it, maybe. Trying to eat it. But also being spooked by it, trying to be very quiet. Yeah, exactly. And it would have been quite a small drawing. Pulling over their mates.

And they would have thought it was a long way away. And they go, there's no point. We're not going to get much out of that. We're not going to be able to get to that in time. Yeah. Oh, it's too far away. Yeah. I thought maybe they were just thinking it's just too small.

It's not going to be able to only feed my baby. Man, that's not an antelope. That's an ant. A lope. A lope. It's an ant marriage. It's's an ant marriage it's a little ant marriage wedding is there something we can do with that as a sketch in terms of like the the neanderthals or whoever they are yeah i think cavemen is not a technical term i think they don't they don't like that i think they refer to that, they prefer to be known as historically challenged.

Oh, is that what it was? Yeah. Oh, I thought they just, it was everything challenged. Yeah. Everything was a challenge is what they prefer. The chronologically impaired. Like everything is like, even just like washing your rug. It would just been such, so much work.

There's no products out. Just the reality challenged yeah the challenged the challenge okay fine the challenge i was trying i was trying to get another word in there but you're gonna stick with just the challenge no maybe you're right people aren't gonna get the joke if you just refer to them as the challenge yeah it's devoid of structure. Yeah. Okay. Devoid. It's going to be... What about cavemen? Instead of... Or... Okay.

Hall... Wait. Hallway. Stone hallway. People. Do you think it was the fact that we used the word cave? I think it was the word cave. Yeah. Cave. Cave. What's the Inuit word that we used the word cave? I think it was the word cave. Yeah.

Carve. Carve. What's the Inuit word? What's the other one? Eskimo. Oh, that's not... I mean, I thought it was going to be similar, but it's not. Apparently, Inuit is just as incorrect as Eskimo.

Really? Yeah. Wow. Jeez, the things you learn ten years on from hearing a thing. You know? Yeah. There's not a lot of literature coming out of the Inuit Eskimo kind of location. It's kind of like, where's their PR?

Let us know more often. It's slim. It's struggling. Their PR firms are having trouble getting the word out there. Anyway. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

So the sketch, the, Let's call them cave persons People Sorry People The rock indentation Dwellers Yeah Rock

The rock hallway Folk Humans Folk Oh humans is probably Inappropriate because they were They were pre-human Yeah

Pre-humanites The pre-human. Yeah. Pre-humanites. The pre-humanites. Anyway, see a photo and can't tell the difference? Is that what it is? Yeah. Yeah, but I wonder, like, how do we draw the comparison between that and the train rushing towards the screen. Is there a guy who invents drawing and then he uses those drawings to just trick everybody?

Would he run at people with a drawing of a lion? They all run away? Yeah, okay. Well, maybe you need to... Maybe it would have to be a series of sketches where first i mean i think that's actually really funny though the idea of a guy who draws a line and people are like so he uses it as power and he runs at people and they all run away and then he becomes king of the of the cave or the pride of humans yeah but then something then something else would happen. Like, he has a crown, say.

Yeah. Some similar thing. Somebody else comes along with a drawing of a crown. Well, how about this? He accidentally, like, he just finds a piece of wood that's kind of, like, carved out in a way that just happens to look like a lion. Yeah, that's good.

By chance. So that's how he finds it. Right? And then he shows people and they're like, like that, and they get afraid of it. Right? And so later on people and they're like, like that, and they get afraid of it. Right? And so later on, so he kind of like sticks it to his head. Yeah.

Like that. And then he realizes he can become king and rule this place with it. But then somebody gets a big, he finds a thing of an elephant or whatever, and they're like, everybody else is more afraid of him. And then anyway, and then he realized he has to start like drawing things and making things look like things. But he's bad at it first. And then he, I don't know.

He gets better at it and then he starts getting all abstract and draws an alien. Yeah, and then he draws a whole army of men. He has to defeat the other army of men that are behind the elephant guy. And then he can, over time, they're all just fighting like with pictures of spears and things like that. One guy has a picture of a spear and then this guy

has got a picture of a spear and then he just writes times two next to it. Yeah. And then another guy has a shield but then it says not to scale. Not to scale.

You can't know. What is the scale? Anyway, I don't know. That could mean it's really small. Yeah. I don't know whether to be afraid. He writes one to 100 next to it. Is that really small or big?

That's really big, I think. Yeah, because 100 to one would be the small. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're like, well, no, they're not afraid. He writes 100 to one and they're not afraid. And he goes, no, wait. One to 100.

Ah! Yeah. All right, I think that's a good one. So, like, maybe you could do... Like, if we come up with a sketch that was to do with the train thing... Well, I think that's not necessary now. Oh, okay. Yeah, you're right. It's a standalone thing.

Yeah. It's just a funny concept. It's not a comment on anything. It's just... It's people who hadn't seen images before, and they just think that the representations of things are the things in themselves oh idiots oh i mean it'd be great if it didn't even have to be cavemen so that we could just film it way easier and not have to get all like have to kill all these yeah dirty and kill leopards in order to get our costumes we don't have to kill leopards andy i'm committed to this i don't want to do it but if I want to But I want to do this Sketch right Okay

I don't like leopards As much as I like Doing comedy correctly Historically Accurately Yeah It was just Here's the

The land The world Used to be covered In leopards And the caveman Came along Alright This escalates

So It escalates We have more and more drawings. Like it's sort of an arms race, but just with drawings. Because like certain people are clever enough to work it. Only a few of them are clever enough to work out that they're drawings. Yeah, only the two leaders. Yeah.

Yeah, I think that works. Yeah, and so that way they're just controlling. I mean, this thing is making statements all over the shop. Statements. It's making statements. Probably the origins of religion. Yeah, it's probably the origins... The emperor's new clothes.

Yeah. Do something else. Make it sound more profound. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. The Matrix. There you go. Yeah, and...

The Matrix revolutions. Oh, Inception and... Exception. Oh, and The Lion King. Because of the leopards. Yeah. I used to get... When I was younger, did you get confused about leopards and lepers?

All the time, yeah. Yeah. Do you think... They're related? No, do you think leprosy could be passed on to big cats? Do you think there are any leper... Like a torch at the Olympics? Do you think there are any leper leopards?

Leper leopards? Yeah. Or leopard lepers. I think there are probably some leper lepidopterists. What does that mean? That's a person who studies butterflies. Oh my god, this is great. I think this is a thing.

Yeah? Could this be a sketch? No. The leper leopards? The leper leopard and the lepidopterist. Lepidopterist. Yeah, okay. Or is it lepidopterist?

I don't know. I think either way, it's probably not a sketch. Okay. I'm sorry, Alistair. I'm sorry, Alistair. I'm sorry, Alistair. Your name is a bit like A-Lister. Do you ever think that you will be an A-Lister?

No. Are you going to make it to the top? I don't that you will be an A-lister? No. You're going to make it to the top? I don't think I'll be an A-lister. But in terms of where I'd like to be, I don't think it matters where I'd like to be. At the moment, you're more of a B-lister. Sorry, a blister. A blister, yeah. You're just a fluid-filled sack.

You're just on society. But yeah, I don't think it'd be great up there. No? I think... At the top? Yeah, because... And also, it's not about celebrity.

It's about skill and having a skill. Skillebrity? Skillebrity. Yeah, I want to be a skillebrity. Not a... Oh! Do I recognize your talent? Yeah. yeah that'd be great if somebody saw you

improv and they got like and they're like deaf and blind no they're blind they're blind and they they they also have um a disease that stops them recognizing voices yeah voices oh that would be the worst for a blind person this is a real double whammy. And the disease that stops them recognizing voices. And they go, I'm not entirely sure who you are, but I recognize your skill. Your unique gift. Yeah. And I think you might be...

A-lister. An A-lister. Yeah. Can you say yes With skill And you're right That is me I am a top Skilled celebrity

Yeah Yeah I'm a celebrity Get me out of this Wait I'm a celebrity. Get me out of this rental contract. Yeah, get me out of this...

Tenancy agreement. I'm a celebrity. Get me out of this contract. Deal with my record contract people. We've gone way off the rails. Oh, okay. We've gone way off the rails. Wait. Celebrities, though. They're... I don't know. Yeah. They're a bit... We've gone way off the rails Oh okay We've gone way off the rails Wait

Celebrities though They're I don't know Yeah They're a bit Something Yeah Aren't they

Yeah It's almost wrong to generalize Because they're quite wide ranging But they're known By a lot of people And so then You feel like you got Some entitlements over them

Don't you Fuck them Yeah it's a pretty broad term. Celebrity. You think so? Yeah. I feel like it's very specific in what it means. People complain about people who are famous for being famous.

But you can't get famous for being not famous. Thank you and good night. So wait, so like somebody who is like the child of a... Oh, yeah, like Paris Hilton or... She's famous for being famous? Famous for being famous. Yeah. What about Tiger Lily?

You know that one who's like Bob Geldof's, the other guy's son, daughter? Daughter, son-daughter? Hitchens. What about her? Yeah. Is she famous for being famous? Probably.

Yeah, or is she famous for being somebody's daughter? Yeah, well, she achieved daughterhood, daughterdom. It's great to reach that. That's one thing that we've kind of all got in common, is that we have achieved daughterhood and sonhood. Sondom. Sondom. Sondom?

Sondom. Yeah. Sodom. We've all attained Sodom. Sundom. Sundom. Sundom? Sundom. Yeah. Sodom. We've all attained Sodom. Have we? Well... Well, some have it thrust upon them. Some achieve it.

And we're back. Some... Some... are born to it. Oh, no, this is horrible. Yeah. Oh. I couldn't remember the other part of that saying,

and then I did remember it, and then I regretted it instantly. I mean, thrust upon them is bad enough, but born into it, Jesus Christ, Andy. But some become Sodom. So that's good. Yeah, that's better. Those ones.

I mean, is it the one, are we talking about Sodomites or Sodomese? Sodomites. Sounds aies? Sodomites. It sounds a bit like dolomites. Yeah. I never saw that movie. It's not a movie. Oh.

It was a savings program run by the Commonwealth Bank. It had little alien characters and you were supposed to save money. Is there such a thing as a dolomite? Like an insect that eats you? That lives on money? Lives on money and sort of like a thing as a dollar mite? Like an insect that eats you? That lives on money? Lives on money and sort of bites you and stuff like that? Ah, I got coin bugs. This money's no good.

I'm sorry, sir. We were trying to look after your managed superannuation fund, but unfortunately some dollar mites got into it, and the money's now... It's still legal tender, but it's disgusting. You've heard the expression, dirty money? This is what they're talking about. It's now infested with bugs.

And I'm sorry, it's no good to anyone. We're going to have to destroy it. And there is going to be a processing fee for destroying all your money. We could fumigate. That doesn't give you anywhere to go. That's humorous. Put a big sack over your money.

Put it in a big... Tumble dry it? Wasting bubble. Tumble dry it. Launder it. Launder it. There we go. We could launder it,

but then it would be dirty in a different way. Thank you. Thank you and good night. Yeah, that's my new thing that I say. Is it? I decided. I didn't know that about you. Oh, yeah.

So give me an example when you're going to say this. If somebody's, say, come to my house and dropped off some delivery food, I give them some money and I say thank you and good night. Yeah, that's good. So that's pretty good. That's really funny. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, I wouldn't mind having food delivered to me. Really? Yeah. You wouldn't mind? Well, oh, I mind this. I mind this. It's funny that mind means that I don't like it, whereas it should mean I just think of it. But you only use don't mind in terms of don't minding something.

You don't mind something. I mind this. Maybe. Yeah, you wouldn't say I mind this as in... well, you would if we were talking about an iron ore. But other than that, you would say... An iron ore. An iron ore. A bauxite ore. Yeah.

Copper ore. Yeah. All right, let's try and get back on track here. Okay, we're lost, Andy. We're lost in the woods. Okay, we're deep in the woods. We're little babes, and our parents... Two hot babes.

Dropped us off in the woods. Okay. Hansel and Gretel style. We're going to a party. Hansel and Gretel's parents. Yeah. Dropped them off in the woods. Is that what they did?

Yeah. They dropped them off? They just abandoned them in the woods. Oh, maybe they didn't like them. Oh, they were trying to get rid of them. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

But I think maybe there was a time, like, we could accuse them, but like... You're right. Okay. I was being unfair. Yeah, you were being unfair. They probably had really scarce resources. Scarce. Scarce?

Scarce? Scarce. Scarce? Oh, scarce. I think scarce is good. I'm going to say scarce. I think scarce is better. Scarce. Oh, well, I didn't think, scarce. I think scarce is good. I'm going to say scarce. I think scarce is better. Scarce.

Oh, well, I didn't think about that. Yeah. If they had scarce resources, then fair enough. You know who has to do this sometimes? The Inuits, or whatever they're called now. Okay. The, okay, they have to do Durant. The thermally challenged, I think they prefer to be called.

The thermally challenged? Thermally challenged, yeah. Thermal where challenged is us, and they're the thermally challenged, I think they prefer to be called. The thermally challenged. Thermally challenged, yeah. Thermal where challenged is us, and they're the thermally challenged. Yes. And anyway, they have to do that. They have to either perform, and it is a performance, infanticide or geranticide. Is it geranticide? Geran-geran?

Geran-geranticide, which is when you... Geronicide? Geronticide. Gerontocracy. Old people. Geront... Ger... Geriatric?

Geri... Geriatricide. Geriicide. Geri... Geri Seinfeld? Geri Seinfeld. They have to perform Geri Seinfeld. They have to perform Geri Seinfeld's act.

Could I... No, that's not what he says. What is the deal? Yeah, he goes, What is with all that? We're at a seal meet. What's the deal with that? I like that it's a performance.

We have to perform. Infanticide. Infanticide. Get out the little curtain. There's a small band. Oi. All this ceremony. Yeah.

We're just trying to push a kid out to sea here. Yeah, alright. I didn't want to make a big deal of it. On the show. Da da da. Getting an audience in. There's no business like snow business We can't do this to just two people

Alright, tonight's cancelled Yeah, and then the kids Okay, look, I'm writing this down, this is a sketch Inuits Performing Infanticide Infanticide? Infanticide.

Okay. So wait, due to low food resources. Oh, good. Bit of context. We don't want people to think they're doing it for no reason. Performing infanticide. Telling both sides of the story here. Guys, sure, you condemn the Inuits,

but what you don't realise is they had low food resources. So, there you go. All their seal meat had gone off, ironically, because the seals on their fridges had broken. I like that they've got modern techniques. Modern Inuits would not be in this situation, I don't believe. And I'm sorry I'm using Inuit, but I don't know the new word yet. All I've known is that I'm saying something wrong,

and now I have no way of referring to them. I think thermally challenged is good. The thermally challenged, yeah. The ice people. Snowbows. Snowbows. Snowmeans. Asnomians. The ice people. Snowbows. Snowbows. Snow me. A snowmian. The snowmians?

My snowmies. My snowmies, yeah. Where my snow... My snow... Snow hoes. That's only the guys. Pimps. The snow pimps.

Oh, that's quite nice. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Right. So, you know my rap, Pimps The snow pimps Oh that's quite nice Yeah Yeah Yeah So you know my rap The Pug King Yeah Okay yeah yeah

You knew Yeah and it's a good rap I like it I was thinking about performing it I'm the Pug King And I shit on your grass I'm the Pug King And I bite your ass

Yeah I'm the Pug King I think at the end At at the end of the rap, he says, knick-knack, paddywhack, give this dog a boner. Oh, yeah, and he just drops the mic. Yeah, give this dog a boner. Yeah. I was thinking about doing it, performing it.

Yeah. At like a comedy night. With a pug mask on? Yeah, with a pug mask yeah with a pug mask and a cape and a little crown yeah no I like that and I get up as the pug king

and I do a rap and is it just gonna be like a like how many verses are you thinking uh I don't know I don't know verses

yeah well well let's not tell anybody that you're gonna do this because we don't want anybody to know who it is you know

so you can have the secret alright guys don't want anybody to know who it is. Oh, okay. So you can have the secret identity. All right, guys, don't tell anybody. So... The Pug King is between us. Yeah. Okay, we have a verbal contract. Sign here. Ear contract.

An oral contract. A mouth-to-ear contract. Mm-hmm. You know, ass-to-mouth is gross, but ear-to- mouth is gross but ear to mouth is not gross foot foot to mouth foot to mouth disease i got it from somebody i was i was jerking someone off with my feet, with my walkers, my nude walkers, and then they put their penis in my mouth, and now I got... Put your mouth in? I got tinea in my... Yeah, I got mouth tinea. I got fungal on my tungle.

Anyway, that's enough. Fungal to jungle. Fungal to... You know, jungle to jungle. We've talked about this in a previous episode. Jungle jungle? We've talked about jungle jungle. Jungle to jungle.

This is... Oh, yeah. Fungal to fungal. Fungal to... Yeah. Or the fungal jungle that I got in my... Oh, my fungal jungle. Yeah, my fungal jungle.

Oh, ladies. Have you ever wanted to check out my fungal jungle? Oh, my fungal jungle. Oh, ladies, if you want to check out my fungal jungle. Oh, and then you just show them your pubic area. Yeah. Oh, that'd be gross. I'm the pug king. I don't come when you call. I'm the pug king.

I got my own damn balls. Yeah, I like it. Yeah. I've got to work out what voice I want to do it in because I want to do it in not a stereotypical attempt at a hip-hop voice. Yeah, and you've got to do this. And I want to do it in Because I want to do it in Not a stereotypical attempt at a hip hop voice And that's a hard thing to do Occasionally you've got to do this

I think when you breathe in you have to do that I'm the pug king And I think on my ball I'm the pug king I'm the pug king. I'm the pug king. Better show some respect because I'm the pug king. I don't fetch, I collect, motherfucker.

Yeah, I like it. He's doing okay. He's doing great. Yeah, he's got a monarchy. Yeah, he's got bitches. Oh yeah, that's right. That's a good dog thing. He's got an itch that needs itching and all these bitches be bitching. That's one of his lyrics.

Yeah, that's good. This itch needs itching and these bitches be bitching. Like are they complaining? No, they're bitching. They're really good. Oh, they're good. That's right. I forget about the meanings of things.

Bitchings. Yeah. Pretty diverse. And're good. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forget about the meanings of things. Bitchin's. Yeah. Pretty diverse. And itchin. What's that? I've got an itch that needs itchin. Yeah.

So you're going to... Itchin. Like you would for a painting or something like that? Itch a painting. Yeah. Yeah. Like you would itch a painting. Yeah. Correct.

I'm a printmaker. I itch mostly. Can we put the pug king down as a sketch uh yeah no well it's one of your bits it's more a bit but look if we're if we're low on numbers we'll try to do six or seven today okay all right we just need to keep up our momentum you just need to right pug king yeah okay so beards you got a beard right yeah well the beards are big right now big right because i saw a friend today and he said he was growing a beard, right? And I was like, yeah, beards are big.

And he was like, I kind of wish I'd come up with it. Because this was his first beard. He'd never had a beard before. And he wished he'd come up with it. Had it tried out, experimented with beards when they weren't so popular. And I was like, no, no, no. When they're popular is when you experiment. You try it out.

But when you really want to establish a beard and be the controversial guy that I know you are, you wait until they're out of fashion. When people are rolling their eyes at beards. Yeah. Just when it's gone too far, that's when you jump on board. Just when everyone's losing interest. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you grow a beard. And then they're like, what are you? Like they'll see the stubble and you're like, it's weird that you've got stubble. You're not trying to do this really lame thing. You go, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I am. This thing that everybody was doing and they've just decided is lame. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I am. Yeah. This thing that everybody was doing

and they've just decided is lame? Yeah. Yeah. Here I go. I'm in. I mean, I wonder whether it's possible where we've gone to a point where things are so...

As soon as something becomes lame, it becomes cool. Oh, yeah. So I wonder whether there's enough of a gap between something being cool and in and then it turning lame oh and then becoming cool again whether there's like whether beards are now just going to be in forever because i don't think anything's in forever as they're going out of fashion they're going back into fashion because they're going out of fashion

you know what I mean? Yes. Everything is cool. I feel like that could be mapped mathematically. Yeah. And I think the cycles are getting shorter, like, between things coming in and going out and coming in and going out. So, yeah, I think you could be right. See, I think now the only people who are really deciding on what's cool is like these magazines and stuff like that.

Or, you know, clothes companies that have to, they have to just keep updating this. Yeah, create, churn it out. But I don't think anything is uncool anymore. Everything is cool. When is the milkmaid look going to come back in? You know, just those two pigtails that stick across the back with the two buckets hanging down at each end. And it could just be two purses. Yeah, great. Because it's annoying carrying one purse, right?

But carrying two purses is just cumbersome. Yeah, it's really ridiculous. And so we invent the purse stick, okay? The double purse stick. The double-ended purse stick. And that gives the opportunity for the milkmaid look to come back in and then you can have it hand free

for the milk bucket so you can actually carry milk as well you're not going to do without your milk for fashion we're not going to sacrifice everything people give up a lot for fashion

but not the ability to carry a bucket of milk on that day For fashion? Yeah. We're not going to sacrifice everything. Come on, I mean, people give up a lot for fashion, but not the ability to carry a bucket of milk. I mean, on that day. Yeah. When we have to give up milk for fashion, that's when the terrorists have won. I think something about milkmaid looks coming back in. Yeah.

What's a sketch we can do about fashion, Alistair? I mean, come on, it's ripe for parody. Okay. Bleeding to death? Could that be in? Oh. Knives are in. Knives are in.

Knives are in at the moment. Yeah. Like, in. Yeah, in. Like, stuck in your gut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But pretty soon, knives are going to be out out and bleeding to death is going to be in. Yeah, because it's one of those things, you know, like how if you get a thing stuck in you.

If you're doing basic, if you do basic first aid, they tell you, right, they tell you leave the knife in. Oh, look, I've heard this. Yeah, and like someone gets impaled on a spike, don't pull it out. Okay, what about this? They tell you, if somebody gets something stuck in their eye, okay, don't try and pull it out. What you've got to do is you've got to like try and bandage around it. And they even say like, get a cup, put it over the eye, bandage the cup in place. Like put it over the thing that's sticking out of the eye.

That's fucking insane. If I get something in my eye, I don't give a shit. I am pulling that shit out. But you've got fluid in there that you're going to lose. I's fucking insane. If I get something in my eye, I don't give a shit. I am pulling that shit out. But you've got fluid in there that you're going to lose. I don't care. Fuck it. Andy.

I have a little deflated eyeball. No, but it's not just going to be deflated. They could make it work out. It doesn't matter. It's not worth it. Look. It's not worth it. The gift of sight is not worth it.

They tell you to keep the thing, to keep it in, right? But I have a friend who did a more advanced class yep of first aid they told him pull it out are you serious yeah that actually happened yeah but i mean like it was like a more of a survival thing but um but what i'm saying oh the first one the first first aid course the lower level one is really geared towards survival it's more geared towards convenience

And from that point of view I mean don't pull it out Because pulling it out Is inconvenient You might fuck up pulling it out You might push it in deeper You can't trust the common man To pull out a knife

They don't know which They don't know which way is out Which way is either out Yeah You haven't Haven't had that They just got dumped by a wave And you don't know which way

Is up or down or in or out Right But also Yeah so So It just got dumped by a wave. You don't know which way is up or down or in or out. Right? But also, yeah, so what I'm getting back to this thing. So knives being in, you could survive with the knife in for ages. I mean, like, it's just like going to a guy who can pierce your earlobe. It's like a balloon. You put a pin in a balloon.

The balloon won't pop until you pull the pin out. Yeah, that's right. Same with people. It's the exact same thing with people. The knife just becomes a part of you, right? And you just, as long as you get a professional to do it, I mean, some people are going to do it at home. It's going to look a little bit, like, you know, a little bit trashy. Yeah. Something that, like...

You can get anything you need with Uberber eats well almost almost anything so no you can't get snowballs on uber eats but meatballs and mozzarella balls yes we can deliver that uber eats get almost almost anything order now product availability may vary by region see app for details you know who's like who's that you know somebody in like that? Somebody in British pop rock. Yeah, Sid Vicious. Sid Vicious. That's something he would do. Don't do your own knife insertions.

Please, get a professional. Get a professional. Okay. And it's going to be in. It's going to be big, the knife. It's going to be big and it's going to be in. It's going to be in. It's coming in right now. Knives are coming in.

Yeah, in a big way. Yeah. I'm not pushing. No? I'm just saying they're coming in. They're coming in. Yeah. I'm not.

Yeah. But then, is that a sketch, do you think? It's barely. It's an idea. Yeah, no, it's not really anything. Okay. What about those guys who sell knives on TV? Like, okay.

Like guys... I like the idea of a guy who's selling knives on TV and how they say we've only got 10 of these left so if you call now you could still get one of the last 10 knives or something like that the guy who says okay we've got one knife left

if you call now you can have this knife someone calls up has a knife and say well it's done that's there are no more knives left please no one call in people keep calling he's like that was the last knife i like that that's a sketch that's definitely a sketch yeah guy selling knives selling knives no people think it's a marketing ploy i literally had one knife left and i came on television to sell my last knife and what about

this don't you people understand? Okay? There was one knife I sold that knife now there are no knives. What's one minus one? Zero. Okay. I've got 25 more minutes to fill. Alright? This is what I

paid for and I'm not going to get off TV. Yeah, but I don't have any more knives. Stop calling. Right. That's it. I'm just going to sit here. I'm not going to say anything. Oh, the demand is just through the roof.

Stop calling, you people. This guy is selling knives. It's like, is the business... We're not taking pre-orders For the next series of knives It's going to be first come first serve As soon as we get the knives No no no that's it the business is over

We sold all the knives Sorry we're not making any more knives No we had a number of knives to sell We're not greedy Okay I'm a businessman I just had to get rid of these knives. This just set me up for the next couple of years, and then I'm moving on to different things in my life.

Yeah. No more knives. Knives don't define me. Yeah. I know I'm called the knife guy, but no more Mr. Knife Guy. Has that been done? I don't know.

Maybe, but it doesn't matter. Oh, well. No, but I want him to say that. Has that been done? I don't know, maybe But it doesn't matter Oh well But No, but I want him to say that I know I'm the knife guy But no more Mr. Knife Guy I think that's fun Yeah, cool

Cool I feel like I stole that off somebody No more Mr. Knife Guy Yeah If you don't If you don't remember It's not stealing. Oh.

That seems to be a thing like in the courts. People say, I don't recall or I misremembered. That's something also in politics. Yeah, politics

probably even more than the courts. Oh, I didn't see that. Yeah. I didn't see that. It was not brought to my attention. It was right in front of you

that somebody put it on your desk. Yeah. It was in your email inbox. Well, I didn't see that. It was not brought to my attention. It was right in front of you that somebody put it on your desk. Yeah. It was in your email inbox. Well, I don't recall it. Yeah. I didn't see it. And...

Oh, the menu that they put on everybody's table. That didn't actually happen. Didn't it? They didn't actually put the menu on everybody's table. I think I've heard other reports that they did, but then they just reported that they didn't. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah. That's pretty good reporting. Like they just said that they did, and then there were reported that they didn't. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah. That's pretty good reporting.

Like they just said that they did, and then there were people who were working there who were like, no, they did. Ah. But it was just like, oh, that's... They just talked to the... They just put enough uncertainty out there. And then I was like, well, no, we said that we didn't.

I don't remember it. Yeah. Because I think the guy who was owning the restaurant... I don't remember lying about it. Yeah. Are you lying? Well, if I am lying, I don't have any knowledge of it. Yeah.

Not to my knowledge. Yeah. Okay, so somebody says they don't remember, right? And then somebody comes out with evidence that says that it definitely happened. So were you lying when you said you didn't remember? Well, I don't remember saying I didn't remember. Sorry. I mean, you can't blame somebody for not remembering something.

Yeah, that's a human flaw. That's not a human flaw of an individual. We're all human. Right? Maybe I'm guilty of being too human. Yeah. Oh. Maybe I'm guilty of being too humans.

Too humans. Ah. Sorry. That wasn't what I meant to do. What happens when somebody who... Wait. Wait. Presented with evidence of something that they did in the past

Argues that There is no such thing Of continuity of self Therefore they cannot be prosecuted Yeah that's really good I'm a different person I don't believe There's no proof

For the existence of time And the continuity of self. Yeah. So there you go. Can we, this would be, I mean, this would take a lot of writing, but it's a courtroom scene. Yeah. Right? And the lawyer.

And people keep trying to present evidence for the continuity of self. This is like, no, no, somebody is like, somebody's done something bad. Yeah. Right. And this is like, no, no, somebody is like, somebody's done something bad. Yeah. Right. And this lawyer, this most ambitious of all lawyers is arguing for the non-existence of time and the non-existence of the continuity of self.

Maybe then the continuity of self is the actual main thing. Yeah. And then in there he can throw in well the theory of time if you believe in that according to your version of the sequence of events yeah uh causality has never been proven okay science doesn't even know how causality works causality you say one man's causality is another man's coincidence i mean sure in your experience things happen because of other things but that's just your experience oh and what and all the people you've spoken to oh well that sounds like hearsay doesn't it yeah we don't yeah that's right that was an idea i had for ages ago about

that that somebody goes uh actually it turns out causality isn't real we've just found out old and how how come everything has always followed a certain path yeah one thing happening after another causing the others uh well that's just a coincidence yeah we talked about that okay yeah that was you and me yeah but at the end... I thought it was just me. I don't think... But that was a joke. I wasn't thinking... At the end of his speech, he says,

And so, nothing... There is no such thing as cause and effect. Therefore, you must acquit my client. Yeah. There's no such thing as the self. Therefore you must acquit my client Yeah There's no such thing as the self We've got to come up with something that rhymes Like if the glove does not fit You must acquit

Yeah yeah okay I see what you're saying Fit Acquit Slit Because of the experiment to slit You must acquit. Are you talking about Young's double slit experiment?

Double slit experiment, yeah. And as you can see here... This is going to be big. This is going to be as big as 12 angry men. Nothing is real, so we have no deal yeah i mean this has to be also for like a white like a like a white collar crime like somebody who's who's you know like a banker who's so so this is like this is the biggest case just trying to put a banker who's stolen billions of dollars has just so much money that he can waste the court's time yeah and he's just

going with the most like like he's definitely definitely guilty all the evidence yeah is that like there's so much evidence against him closing statement well okay at the moment the lawyer's going with the nothing is real defense but this guy's really good yeah no he's the he's the the best that money can buy and he brings quantum physicists on and fortunately the entire jury is stoned yeah so and they're just so into it they're like this is starting to make sense to me at the beginning i was like this is going over my head but i feel like after the 19 hours of quantum theory lectures that we've had. And all the joints we've smoked. Yeah.

I can't believe that, yeah, somehow he's at least... Your Honor, I'd like to be permitted to get the jury high. The high court? Yeah, I think, no, but I think this is like... This is a full play that we could write. It's the whole court proceedings. Oh, it's going to be great. Alright, I'm writing it down.

The jury has retired to Hothouse in the deliberation room. Is that what they call it when you put a lot of smoke in a room? Is that called hothousing? Hotbox. Hotboxing? Hot housing? Oh, I know drugs. Yeah, you know drugs.

Yeah. Oh, it came up with a good theory about why I don't take drugs the other day. Yeah. Okay, this is to go with my no one's ever offered me any theory. My second theory is I genuinely was affected by the message in that episode

of The Planeteers, where I think her name was Leia, gets addicted to drugs because someone put drugs in her sandwich. And her eyes go all red. And she just becomes this zombie drone. And I was like, well, I don't want to do drugs. We're talking about

illicit drugs, of course. I drink alcohol. I'm not a loser. Yeah, exactly. You're talking about illicit drugs. Of course I drink alcohol. Of course. I'm not a loser. Yeah, exactly. You're cool, man. Yeah, I'm not some square who's just never been offered any drugs by anybody. Have you ever been offered drugs? No.

I actually have. Never mind. No, I don't actually have any drugs. Or the causality. Yeah, that's fun. That's a really fun one. That's going to be the best. That's going to be big.

It's going to be Gabby Hayes big. That joke, right? I'm guessing it's a Simpsons joke. I'm guessing that it's that nobody knows who Gabby Hayes big. Good. That joke, right? Yeah. I'm guessing it's like, that's a Simpsons joke. Yeah. I'm guessing that it's that nobody knows who Gabby Hayes is. Is that right? Or is it that Gabby Hayes is known, but she's not that big? I think the fact is it really doesn't matter.

Yeah. Like that joke works regardless, right? Big. Gabby Hayes big, but only because you don't know who it is? Yeah. I put out a tweet that was sort of based on that, which was I predicted that my comedy career is going to be big. This

tweet big. And then at the end I put in brackets self-correcting tweet. What does that mean? Self-correcting. So if lots of people retweet that tweet, then my career will be big. But if no one retweets it, then my career will be big. But if no one retweets it,

then my career will be as big as the tweet, which is not very big. And nobody retweeted it. So now we know. Today I tried to put out a... I found McCarthy, the impressionist. Oh, I thought you were talking about the McCarthy era. Paul McCarthy, the guy from Wednesday Night Fever.

Yeah, but he's also been in Totally Full Frontal and Comedy Inc. Mm-hmm. And I found him on Twitter, right? Oh, yeah. And he's got, he had 46 followers, right? Is it the real Paul McCarthy? Yeah, it was the real one. Or is it just an impersonator?

No, but all he does is promote Wednesday Night Fever. And so for people who want to know what day Wednesday Night Fever is on, follow Paul McCarthy. I'll give you a hint, though. Yeah. It's in the title. So... It's fever. Yeah.

So whenever you're sick... That's right. Whenever you start to sweat. So I thought I'd send out a tweet Saying, hey This guy's on Twitter, everybody But he doesn't have very many followers Let's just, let's help him out And retweet this

Didn't get very many retweets And I think I might have got him like 8 followers I was hoping to help him Really? Yeah, I just thought I'd help him Genuinely? Genuinely help him Oh, that's nice I just thought I'd help him. Genuinely? Genuinely help him. Oh, that's nice.

I just thought, oh. I thought maybe lots of people would just go like, oh, that guy! We all like him. Yeah, you've got

like 2,000 followers, right? Almost 1,800. Yeah. Was a part of you like, this will make me look good

in front of people who are successful in the comedy industry when you did that tweet? Maybe a little bit. Maybe I thought maybe he'll go, well that was a nice thing that somebody did. I'll give him a job on

television. No, no, no, I don't think that. But I thought, but then I also thought if it doesn't go well, then it'll look really sad for both me and him. I think all I'm saying Alistair is when you did that tweet, were you hoping to make a good impression? Wait, I just got that while we were high-fiving. He's an impressionist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got you. Did you reckon you got it at the exact moment that we made contact in that high-five? Because that would be great if somehow the understanding of that tweet passed between us. Yeah, and also the thought made contact with my brain as we made contact. There you go. I wonder if we touch, we can pass neurons. We can't. Would my brain be able to read your neurons?

No. I think that's almost... I believe that would be almost impossible, right? To be able to read brains. Yeah. Because of the combination, you know, however neurons interact. Yeah, and plus neurons are just like... And they're so unique.

Yeah, the switches and the connections between different neurons and different brains would be completely unique. And, like, my brain has evolved or developed to work within my body and within whatever, you know, constraints that has to it. But yours has evolved in actually very different circumstances, Alistair. What do you mean? Well, you know, whatever it's like inside your head. Yeah.

You know? I guess to become a guy like me, different things have to happen. Different things have to happen. Because I'm pretty different to other people, aren't I? You're unique. I'm not just your regular run-of-the-mill person. Run-of-the-mill? Yeah.

I mean, I've run to the mill. Oh, yeah? Well, no. Well, no. No. Okay, the captain of a spaceship tells someone to switch off the gravity. Wait, but he's eating one of those, like, you know those little things that you had when you were in school? I never got one, but it's like a little thing with crackers and cheese.

Yeah. But it's like that little cream cheese and you get a little stick that you can put it on the cracker. Yeah, a little Le Snack kind of thing. I was trying to eat that. It's a Le Snack. Oh, maybe I did have Le Snacks. I didn't. No?

No. I'm not surprised. You probably were just given... Could your parents just give you wheat? Just some seeds. And I had a small corner of the schoolyard where I cultivated my own wheat. Wait, you got scroggon though, didn't you?

No, I didn't think I got scroggon for school days. When we went hiking, I did. I got quite a bit of the old celery with the peanut butter in it. Oh, see, I never ate that because it seems disgusting. Oh, but it's so delicious. Yeah? Yeah, it's really good. You should do it.

Have you still not ever had it? I think so. Well, Alistair, we're stopping the podcast right now. No, we can't. We can't. We need, like, one more idea. Just to make up for Pug King, which I don't think is an idea for the podcast No, sorry

Alright, let's focus here Try to snake that in there Okay Something about everybody being special Okay So, I think I'm special You think you're special I do

Right That guy Some guy that you see down the street Who's a jerk Right He thinks he's special And to be honest, he thinks he's special. And to be honest, he probably is.

Yeah? Probably more special than all those nice guy losers out there. No, but I think, so you're calling us nice guy losers? No. Are we nice guys? We're the jerks down the street. Oh. You didn't want to compliment us, did you? No.

No? Pretty nice. No, yeah. But was it you who brought up that thing about, like, nice guys? People who think they're nice guys? Yeah. Talking about why girls don't want to sleep with nice guys? Yeah, why don't girls want to sleep with me?

I'm a nice guy. Well, and then you said... I can't remember. Well, you said that... No more Mr. Knife Guy? Is that what I said? No, no, no. Why don't girls want to sleep with you?

I'm a knife guy. No more Mr. Knife Guy. I'm a knife guy. I'm a knife guy. Why don't girls want to sleep with you? I'm a knife guy. No more myth on knife guy. I'm a knife guy. I'm a knife guy. Why don't girls want to sleep with me? I'm a knife guy. Yeah. I say, look, I just want to be knife to you.

When it's in fashion. No, what you said after the nice guy thing was that since when is that like a prerequisite for somebody wanting to sleep with someone else? My grandmother is nice, right? And I don't want to sleep with her. Did I say that? You said something like that. Yeah, I don't. Yeah.

She's dead. No, I'm sorry. I guess you'll miss out. That's really nice of you, Alist Oh, I'm sorry. I guess you'll miss that. You'll miss that. That's really nice of you, Alistair. I'm sorry. Really nice. Thanks.

Do you want a... Kiss? Oh, your moustache is so soft. That's not my moustache. I have a little... Oh. A little... I've got a bit of a fungal jungle going on. Are these your pubic hairs? Pubic, wait for it, pubic zirconium. There you go. Do you get fake pubes put on? They're like They're just Yeah Little black diamonds

Oh when they When they vajazzle someone Yeah Do they refer to the little Pubic zirconium Pubic zirconium It's a vajazzle recall No callback

If you recall If you recall If you have total recall back Total recall back This On your phones You've got a If you have total recall back. Total recall back. On your phones, you've got a button. On your old landlines, you used to have a button that said recall. And then there was another button next to that on some phones that said total recall.

Don't press that. That's a whole lot of trouble you don't need. What does have... I don't know the movie very well. In total recall, he remembers that he used to be a spy on Mars, and he flies to Mars and helps out the mutants and that kind of bizzo. Really? Yeah. And so he remembers that his memory had been erased another time, and then now he's just getting all the memories back?

Yeah. But then it turns out that the memories that he's getting back are fake memories that were implanted. Great. Oh, guys, I've ruined Total Recall for you. Oh, not for me. Well, I'll tell you what to do. Go get your memory erased,

and then you'll be able to watch Total Recall as if you were seeing it from the first time. Or we could put fake memories in. Of course, you'd already had that done. You'd already had the memory of me telling you about Total Recall erased in the past. You go back and then something will go wrong with the process and then you'll remember the time that I told you about the Total Recall. This is difficult.

This could be a whole lot of trouble you don'tall. Were you? This is difficult. Yeah. This could be a bit. It could be a whole lot of trouble you don't need. That's a thing you say. A whole lot of trouble you don't need. A whole lot of trouble you don't need. What do you say that in? My bit about hitting kids.

Oh, yeah. Go into space and hit a kid. Hit a kid. I opened a show with that, and everybody in the house In the room hated me Oh really? My first show in Adelaide

The first time I went to Adelaide It was a full house Because it was $5 tickets And people bought those tickets Because it was the only night they came out to But then you couldn't get full houses When you had a free show Yeah I couldn't get full houses

I shouldn't No I know Fuck them Fuck them That's what I think And this year When I had a free show. Yeah, I couldn't get you full houses. I shouldn't. No, I know. Fuck them. Fuck them. That's what I think. And this year, when I had a free show, first night, I didn't get the full house like everybody normally does because it was just free show all the time. And so they didn't go, oh, $5 tickets and then pay to come.

Ugh. No. Oh, that was awful. You should have had a free show, but then one night offered $5 tickets. Everyone would have been like, ooh. Yeah. Oh, that would have been good. Yeah.

Hey, I thought about this on the way here. I thought, I don't know, you know, aging. I don't think I'm into it. Yeah? Are you going to do it? I was into it for like 25 years or something like that. Yeah? I was looking forward to it and things like that.

I think I've grown out of it. I'm kind of like, not really into it anymore. I can't wait to be old. No. Wait till you're old. Yeah. Nah. Anyway, that's all I got about that.

Oh, okay. Cool. Yeah. Somebody who goes to the doctor. Doctor. You're with me? Yeah. And the doctor diagnoses them as being old.

You're old. It turns out you're old. Is there a cure? Well, we can treat the symptoms, but there are a lot of side effects. Okay. What's the treatment? Well, we can dress you up in polyester, give you a backwards cap. Okay.

Yeah. And what are the side effects? You look like a douchebag. Yeah. Oh. We can shave your eyebrows off and draw them on. Yeah. You know how people do that?

Do they? Yeah. Some people have their eyebrows tattooed on. I get, I think. Maybe not. Guys, I don't know if that's a real thing. Okay, wait. How can we make an old person young?

Okay. Okay. Here we go. Okay. Old people shake a lot. Yeah. Okay. What can stop you from shaking a lot?

Let's see. We could shake the room around you. Yes, good. In sync with you. So either we cancel out the vibrations or just the room is moving so you can't tell. Yeah, okay. Also, old people get liver spots, right?

Now, we can't remove the liver spots, but we can color the rest of your skin liver spotted. You're a new race now. You're slightly purple. You're just a liver guy. Yeah, you're like a full, from now on, it's like a purpley brown. Yeah. And that's cool.

That's a new lease on life. Also, purpley brown doesn't crack, apparently. That's a thing. You know they say that? Purpley brown doesn't crack. Purpley brown doesn't frown, I think that's Purpley brown doesn't crack Purpley brown doesn't frown Yeah, purpley brown doesn't frown You're a racist

So what we can do is Just Kill all the other racists in the world And then there'll be no one for you No, that's not good Or now that you're purpley brown... Oh, yeah. ...you will also learn what it's like to be a...

Yeah, tolerance, because you'll go through what it's like to be a minority. Yeah. Yeah. One of the purpley brown people. Yeah, purpley brown people. Yeah, and let's see, what else? You can't see very well

yeah so what we'll do is we'll give you glasses we'll give you cataract surgery oh thank you also you're not very interesting anymore right a lot of the time so what we'll do is we'll auto tune

your voice, right? And just, like, have you plugged into an iPod. And so every time you talk, it'll just go along with whatever song is playing. Yeah, that's great. You're not very interesting, so what we're going to do is we're going to color you purpley brown.

And make you talk and auto-tune. We're clamoring in your windows, we're snatching your people up. Try to run, try to hide. So if you're ever saying that whilst listening to that song, so let's say you were quoting the Baby Rip and Everybody Out Here

bed intruder song, whilst it's playing, you could actually be just singing that song in auto-tune. It'll sound great. Okay, I think we can write this down as a sketch. Making old people young again. And, you know, it's all right.

Okay, we've got the liver-spotted thing in there. That's kind of funny. The purpley-brown business. Purpley-brown doesn't frown. We like that. We like that. There's another one. A greenish pink will never wrinkle.

That's not bad. Is that a greenish pink will never wrinkle That's not bad Is that A greenish pink will never wrinkle? No, a greenish pink will never wrinkle So like The pink and the will run together Wow That's you really How did you form that?

Oh, I just I just Formed it Something What's one that rhymes with crease? Never cease? Yeah, but it's got to be a colour. Okay, oh yeah. I don't think there is one. Grease? The colour of grease? Will never crease. The colour of grease will never never crease What is the color of grease? It's like a yellowy

Oh, okay That's quite good It's like a yellowy gold kind of thing Like clean grease Clean grease The color of clean grease will never crease A person who's the color of clean grease Will never crease

A bluey gold will never fold. Never fold. I was going to say fold as well. Yeah. Okay. Crinkle? Oh, no. You already did crinkle.

Did I? I did wrinkle. Oh, yeah. Okay. But you could do crinkle if you want. Yeah? Great. A greenish pink will never crinkle.

Yeah. No. Wait, okay. I don't think there are any more. Wasabi green, your crinkles will never be seen. That, Alistair, feels like a pretty good point to end the podcast. Oh, man, that's going to be so good to end the podcast. Yeah, I was really happy with that one about the guy in the court. Yeah. I think that's pretty good point to end the podcast. Oh, man, that's going to be so good to end the podcast. Yeah, I was really happy with that one about the guy in the court. Yeah, that's pretty good.

There's also the caveman. Oh, the caveman one is great. Oh, that's great. Guys, what are you complaining about? That was fantastic. It escalates. This is like a savory muffin. That's a big chunk of feta in your savory muffin in the podcast, guys.

Yeah, it's a big old chunk of feta. That's like feta next to another, like it's all known, it's cushioned correctly by a muffin because you don't want too much feta next to each other. No. But there's like lots of chunks of feta. Yeah. And then also sun-dried tomatoes. And a bit of roasted pumpkin.

Oh, but not too big a chunk that it's like. No, no, no. But like, but they're decent sized chunks, like one where you can get a bit of it in one mouthful and then a bit more in the next mouthful. It's in a moment like that where you can sort of close your eyes and just imagine, I'm never going to run out of feta and pumpkin. Roasted pine nuts in there. Roasted pine nuts.

Okay, let's see if there's any roasted pine nuts in this podcast. Number two is due to low food resources, the Inuits are performing infanticide, but they have to cancel the performance because of low audience numbers. Okay, I think... I think in terms of doing that performing joke, there's probably something more accessible we can choose

than infanticide for Inuits. Why? Because we're making a statement that Inuits, who don't even like to be called Inuits, perform in fantasies. Look, at the moment, Andy, I am not willing to compromise. Okay. Any of my... You know how people don't compromise? It's like, how good are your ideas that you're not willing to compromise? It's just a thing that you thought of.

For fuck's sake. It's not that good. He's so uncompromising. Just come up with a different idea Different idea Look, we come up with five or six every hour I'm so ready to compromise on everything I'm ready to

I'll change everyone at the drop of a hat Just for a tiny Just the tiniest glint that you might give me some money You don't even have to give me money You just have to make it seem like you would This whole show, we'll get rid of it and replace it with Glee. Yeah. We'll just put on Glee.

From the next episode of the Two and the Think Tank, it's just the audio from Glee. Go into a producer's office and you show them all your things. You take them through the whole thing and they say, oh, yeah, have you seen Glee? And you're like, I love it. Let's do it. We're doing it.

Oh, it's a huge hit. Forget all this. Yeah. Everything I said, forget it. Why are we even doing this when we could just be... You're right. Yeah. Then three is Pug King.

Yep. Which is a bit that you're doing. Yep. In a thing dressed up as a pug. Yep. No, don't tell anybody, everybody. Don't tell anybody, everybody. And all those lyrics that I said, don't tell anybody, everybody. Don't tell anybody, everybody. And all those lyrics that I said, don't tell anybody, everybody.

Don't tell anybody, everybody. Number four is guy selling knives on TV actually sells out of knives and has to fill time. No more Mr. Knife Guy. No more Mr. Knife Guy. Number five is white-collar criminal who is definitely guilty. His lawyer argues that there is no continuity of self or causality or reality. And it's amazing.

That is going to be, that's going to be like, we're going to do that in the next two to three years. We're going to make this, like write it and make it. And then the rest of our careers is going to be shit. Like people are going to go, but yeah, but that's what made them that's the thing that they were good for and then yeah there's the law and order EU which is existentialist unit yeah in the criminal justice system the criminal justice system of made up of is made up of two basic groups the police who investigate

the crimes and the existentialist lawyers who try and argue the existence of a reality in which those crimes can be committed. Or whether or not it is... Dun-dun. Yeah. Whether or not it is wrong to do... Wait, who commit the wrongs

and then other people who investigate whether or not it is wrong to do... Wait, who commit the wrongs, and then other people who investigate whether or not wrongs being committed is actually a bad thing. That's the MRU, which is Moral Relativist Unit. That's great. That's so good. Number seven. Hypothetical Crimes Unit. Those who Imagine the crimes And those who

Tried to say what they would do In that situation No that's not pretty good That was better in my head That was better as a hypothetical guys That was actually very meta That's so meta What was the moral

Relativist Unit MRU. Moral... Relativist... But is that such a bad thing? I mean, look at the terrible things that are going on in other countries. Who are we to judge? Judge?

Judge. I rest my case the court the moral relativist unit the court doesn't have a judge it has a who am I to judge yeah I'm just some guy

what do I know good maybe we're all guilty who here can What do I know? Good. Maybe we're all guilty. Who here can... Jury, do you have your findings? I do, Your Honor. Our findings are maybe we're all guilty.

Yeah, it's like I... Or we are all guilty. We're all guilty. If this man is guilty, then so am I. That's great. All right. So that's that. Six, making old people young again,

diagnosed with being old, but we can treat the symptoms. The Simpsons. We can treat the Simpsons. And then number seven is hypothetical crimes unit, existential unit, and moral relativism unit the police thing wonderful idea

a little bit of bonus at the end there guys you guys got it you're absolutely welcome thank you so much for listening to the podcast you guys are the best.

The best! Um, okay, too. Bye. It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls?

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