Two In The Think Tank - 144 - "HARVEY K-TEL" with PEADER THOMAS

Episode Date: August 13, 2018

Trailer Before Film, 20 to 1 Dimensional, Artistic PM, Plato's Christmas Cave, Skyfill, Shadow Puppetry Hacks, Keitelegram, Aunt Space AgencyThanks to everyone who supports the pod by chipping in to our patreon hereTwo in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtbAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereDeep fried apologies to George for they audio quality in his absence  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Dip, dip, dippa dip da, dippa da da da da, dippa dippa da da da, dippa dippa da da da da, dippa dippa da da da da, dippa dippa da da da da, dippa dippa da da da da, dippa dippa da da da da, dippa dippa da da da da, hey! Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. I'm Alistair George William Trombley-Burchill. And I'm Peter Thomas. Hello, Peter Thomas.

Hello, Alistair George William Trombley-Burchill. Such a pleasure to have you here. For those listeners who don't remember Peter from an episode a long time ago, you will know him from the logo of the Two in the Think Tank. From the new logo of the Two in the Think Tank, rather than the old logo, which was from a logo app. And the new logo is

my face, presumably? No. That logo app lost its job to a human, which is really, really hard for motion technology. It's really hard for motion technology. Absolutely. It's really hard for free apps these days. You know what, Pete?

For anybody who's trying to visualize what Pete looks like, he's pretty much a mixture of me and Andy. Yeah. Somewhere in between. It's a really good... Yeah. Minus glasses. It's a part in the fly in between where he's Brundle

and then he's the fly at the end. So when he's sort of transforming slowly. So before the face kind of comes off. Before the face comes off, but maybe after the ear falls off and the toenails or the fingernails all get pulled out. So just to be clear, Pete doesn't have an ear or fingernails. No. And he's got a lot of slime and he's sort of just like licking raw meat or something. I'm melting Jeff Goldblum.

And you're sort of grabbing poles and swinging around and around yeah and breaking people's arms in uh in bars yeah yeah now is there a sketch in that what about it's like it's like the fly but it's a guy who's turning into a fly who's turning into a real jerk. No. Maybe it's the other way around. It's a fly who's invented a teleportation machine. And accidentally gets trapped in there with someone. Jeff Goldblum buzzes in doing his high-energy acting style. He's got kind of a high-energy relaxation about him, don't you think?

Is that kind of Jeff Goldblum's status? Yeah, it's very zen. Nothing's sort of connected in a normal way. It sort of darts from one bit to another. Yeah, conceptually but also tonally in his voice. It doesn't follow the normal patterns of a voice. It almost goes up and down like the buzzing of a fly. And what I'm suggesting is that Jeff Goldblum actually is turning into a fly.

Like slowly? Really slowly. Yeah. And starting with the changes in tone of his voice. Right. So that movie came out in maybe, I don't know, sometime in the 90s, 1984 perhaps. Yeah. So over the last 30 years he's been transformed.

Yeah. Don't worry. He's definitely going to die before anything visible happens. Is there a chance that maybe he's just – what went into the transformation chamber, the teleportation thing or whatever when he went in there is not a fly but just the sound of a fly. The echoes. in there is not a fly but just the sound of a fly the echoes yeah and so when when they you know when the machine interpreted they it interpreted the motion of the molecules in there and wrote his dna to match the buzzing of a fly yeah which is why he kind of talks like this As he gets closer to death, he will eventually remove all pronunciation and things like that. And then especially, I think once he's mimicking a fly trapped on a window, that's the end point for him.

Well, interestingly, a telephone is really a teleportation device For the voice That's true It just teleports your voice It's in the name Teleport And phone Which is audio

It's teleporting your audio But it's also like a cloning device Because you're still making noise with your mouth Where you are and the the noise is coming out of the other end so that you've been doubled you've been doubled but then they have to kill the original is that right yeah by the time you get to the other side and the phone to use which is why you always lose your voice when you use the phone that's right at least i do because because I yell A lot through the phone To people who owe me money About the fact that I'm having my voice

Stolen Piece by piece To the phone company Give me back my voice So in conclusion So the sketch What? Have we settled on the sketch uh what is okay have we did we settle on a sketch um i mean i mean it feels awful to walk away from this with nothing yeah absolutely you know like i

feel like it's like the vietnam war yeah you know we've got to get something out of it even if it's only um a good one good song. If you're remaking some movies, why not? This is the last helicopter out of Saigon. This is it. This is the movie Good Morning Vietnam with Robin Williams. Robin Williams, which with the way he was speaking, I'm surprised he didn't lose his voice.

That's it. In that movie. Oh, but the way that he's talking is his voice gets multiplied thousands of times. So there's his voice just coming out if you were sitting next to him. And then across on the radio everywhere across Vietnam. So there would be millions or thousands of John that you'd have to kill. They say, though.

Like John Connors? Yes. They say that the first casualty of war is truth. Yeah. But I don't think, I think the first casualty of war is probably Robin Williams' vocal cords. At least of Vietnam. Yeah yeah was that the first one though i mean it was probably like the 74th i think there might have been a couple beforehand i can't remember the film but i don't know if is he there in vietnam hosting a radio show before the

war starts haven't seen it yeah no i haven't seen i think i've seen the poster and inferred a lot i i walked into the living room when my housemate was watching and i went oh that guy that's that's a lot of energy i think that uh you should start a blog which is reviews of movies that i've walked into the living room while my housemate is watching and you just give them a rating out of five stars based on what you think You kind of the gist. I feel like it was part of like the package that would play at the start of a VHS tape. Like these are all the fantastic films that are coming out. So like Good Morning Vietnam has like the famous line that he says.

Yeah. Hello, Vietnam. Yeah. And then. How you doing, Taiwan? Yeah. And that was sort of cut into all these other films and sort of mushed together. That's true, yeah.

Do you think it was part of the Criterion collection? Yeah. Could be. Do you think that, like, maybe the movie doesn't actually exist, right? I reckon there was probably a time in sort of early Hollywood, I'm thinking, like, the 80s, maybe early 90s. Yeah, maybe late 70s. Yeah, when they hadn't made a lot of movies,

but they wanted to create the impression that movies were a real big deal. It's hard for a film startup. Oh, absolutely. A production house startup. Yeah, yeah. So I reckon a lot of those trailers for movies that we've seen at the start of films, those films never actually existed. They were just trailers that were made to create the impression that there were lots and lots of films.

So these are like pitch movies? Yeah, but really just sort of like a kind of vibe, like you'd hire someone to just sort of hang out in a bar looking like they're having a good time. You know when you see one person in a bar and they really look like they're having a good time? And you're like, I want to go into that bar where that lone gentleman is. This is a great bar! Uh-oh, I'm all out of jukebox money. I mean, look, I think if you saw just a clip from a movie,

it's this lone guy standing in a bar, he yells, I'm out of jukebox money! I mean, that makes you want to know what's going to happen next. Standing in a bar, he yells, I'm out of jukebox money. Yeah. I mean, that makes you want to know what's going to happen next. Yeah. And more than that, it makes me just want to watch films because they look like fun. They are fun. Yeah.

I wonder what's going to happen next. It's the start of like a whole universe of fun. Like I've never run out of money entirely. Yeah. Or put money in a jukebox. Or had an allocation of money exclusively for jukeboxes. I mean, I've got lots of money. Sure, I budget.

I'm like anybody. I mean, the... I've got a certain amount for lunches. Gas bills. Gas bills. Diapers, you know, they cost... They add up, right? But then, I've also got all this money on me right now.

Sure. I've run out of jukebox money. It's the jukebox money. The B-52s say bring your jukebox money, right? Now, it must be like a valid form of money. It's a phenomenon. Yeah, if some of these people are demanding it. I mean, the B-52s didn't mention a lot of the forms of money that I consider to be valid.

You know, sandwich money. I thought you were going to say, like, the euro. The euro. Japanese yen. Well, I mean, I recognize obviously stamps as legal tender. I'm going to make a movie called Legally Tender. Don't ask me any follow-up questions.

But that could be one of the movies that's part of this. Exactly. So this is what I'm saying. I want to do a mini documentary, a sketch that is a mini documentary about the production studios that were hired to make the trailers for a lot of films that were never actually made, right? And then we can see little clips from them.

Maybe we can claim that some supposedly big movies were actually just trailers and people have never actually seen the film. People think they have because we've put a lot of detail into the trailers and also we've filled out plot summaries on Wikipedia. And the huge really relatable phrases like bring your jukebox money. I'm all out of summaries on Wikipedia. And the huge, really relatable phrases like, bring your jukebox money. I'm all out of jukebox money. Ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba. Yeah, exactly.

And then it cuts to the next one. Why is there a song playing? How is he? I mean. Well, that's the magic of film. Yeah. We can hear it, but he can't. Oh, yeah.

And he just goes, I love rock and roll. Put another giant dime in the jukebox, baby. Which I can't because I spend all of my jukebox money. He doesn't get to hear that song. Did he spend it on the jukebox or jukebox? Jukebox. Yeah, jukebox. That's the money that you put in a jukebox.

Jukebox. Oh, I can't believe that's not a cryptocurrency. So, but where has he gotten rid of all this money? What did he spend it on? Look, Pete, obviously this is already a 10-part movie franchise that we can sell today. And boy, just the fact that you're asking these questions is telling me how much there is in this.

People want to know. I mean, I, at first I thought maybe that was too intense a scene to open the movie with. But now I'm saying that's the only way. It's the only way. Let's, why, Why show them some filler

That's a cold open Bam no credit sequence So this is a trailer That includes one scene One movie And you go Watch all of our movies All the movies that we've made

I've run out of jukebox money! And many more. Here at Providence Films. Providence Films. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. I like it. So write that down.

Okay, so wait. So this is just a company that's just making their show real? It's a film production house? No, but I'm going to pitch again my idea. Okay, sorry. This is in the early days of Hollywood, you know, the 70s or the 80s when Hollywood was just getting started. They just come up with the idea of film and they wanted to create some buzz around it. That's why they had this company make these trailers, you know, seem like there was a lot happening in the film world.

In reality, they released maybe two films a year, and one of them may well have been a re-release of an early Disney movie. When I say early, I mean one from the early 80s, you know, when films started. So The Black Cauldron or... One of those classic Disney movies like The Black Cauldron. Fox and the Hound. Another stonking classic. They had a real...

Who would have thought, right, when you were watching The Black Cauldron, that Disney would continue to become one of the... one of the... well, the media titan, I'm going to say, of the world. Yes, they own all entertainment. Well, wait, that's a bit bold for me. No. But it doesn't seem like there's that many people trying.

To have a media input. No, but they were trying to make full-length animated features. Yes. Like some people were making full-length animated features but they weren't really trying you didn't get the feel like there was a lot of people along the way that were kind of going it's good enough people won't notice oh absolutely any old crap yeah yeah now i don't know if i can name a single one but the sword in the stone that might still have been disney that's another disney that's another Disney one. That's another Disney.

That one's terrible. Wait, which is the one that has Merlin fighting another witch? The Sword in the Stone. That's the Sword in the Stone? Yes. I like the fighting bit. Wait, what's the one where Merlin turns the boy into a squirrel? That's the Sword in the Stone.

But doesn't that one have Peter's... Sorry, did you say the Sword in the Stone? Yes, that's where the sword was. like, does the boy have a dragon? The sword in the stone? Yes, that's where the sword was. It was stored in a stone. That's true. I'm amazed that they didn't call it stored in a stone. Well, that's because they hadn't figured out, well, there's going to be something stored in a stone. Something's going to be in the stone.

Maybe it's a sword, maybe it's something else. Maybe it's a can of beans could be what's that what's that thing that people say they mention when they think that um the mandela effect is that what it is yeah when people they go wait tim tams doesn't have an s on it it's just tim tam and then they go this is a weird mandela effect do you know about this effect no it's the bernstein bears and the bernstein bears which one would you say it is uh it's stain yeah it's stain okay they're called the bernstein bears and everybody says well the fact that everyone thinks they're the bernstein bears but in fact they're the bernstein bears proves that at some point in our timeline we've switched into a parallel dimension in which it's the Bernstein Bears.

And it's the same thing with – there's loads of people that think that there was a movie that Sinbad was once in where he played a genie. Yeah. Right? Called Shazam. That's with Shack. Shack. That's with Shack, yeah. And it's called Shazam.

Yeah. That's with Shaq. Shaq, that's with Shaq, yeah. And it's called Shazam. Yeah, and it's named after one time, I think, a lot of people, like when... But wait, why is it called the Mandela Effect? Well, when Nelson Mandela died, there was a lot of people that just remembered, they're like, wait, didn't he die in the early 80s? And there's loads of people who just have this vivid memory of Nelson Mandela. That's when he went to prison or something. Which is a kind of death. It's true. The death of innocence in many ways.

We didn't see a lot of him. Yeah. Anyway, a lot of people remember seeing his funeral and things like that. We did, because he did die. They put him into a box. Prison. It's prison. Prison is a coffin.

Sorry, why? Okay. Yes. so the reason oh fucking now i've forgotten why so the reason as i was saying stored in the stone oh yeah that's right that we could maybe we could create our own fake mandela effect by just telling people do you realize that it was actually called storedored in the Stone the whole time? Hmm. Are you talking so we'd have a film called Jack to the Future, and it's about a guy called Jack who goes to the future? Yeah.

Is that what you mean? No, well, I was just assuming that we would. No, I think that's quite interesting. I'd like to do like a 20 to 1 kind of show, you know, one of those kind of clip show things where it's a bunch of people sitting around talking but it's about the Mandela Effect and that we do a couple of genuine ones and then we just go into totally made-up territory, okay? So both the film and its sort of misremembering are both fake.

Yes. Yes, indeed. So then there's something like, yeah, I think we have one called Jack to the Future and then we have another one called Jack to the Suture. He's a surgeon? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And then we... Wait, what would Doc do? Is Doc actually a doctor? It actually makes a lot more sense Yeah, because at the moment he's called Doc He wears a lab coat, I guess it does make sense Because he's a scientist

But scientists genuinely Don't they? Oh no, sorry That's just students at high school Who wear grey ones That's true, yeah The white ones are genuinely And in Jack to the Future That's just students at high school who wear grey ones. That's true, yeah. Yeah. The white ones are genuinely... And in Jack to the Future, it's a different Huey Lewis and the News song.

So it's Dr. Doctor, give me the news. Which makes, again, heaps more sense. Because there is an actual doctor in it. Now, when he said, Dr. Doctor, give me the news, was he referring to Huey Lewis and the News? Is Huey a doctor a huey no no huey's saying to the doctor give me the news that's his back doesn't actually let no no i think he's talking news as in the other the other use of the word news where it's people sometimes used to i've never heard that i've never heard that use of the word news

i've only ever heard of the news, the word news, in the context of Huey Lewis and the News, the backup band for Huey Lewis. Right. So when people talk about the news media, you're talking about associated Huey Lewis and the News merchandise. I mean, I've never tuned in, but I've assumed, yes, based on what I know of the name of the band Huey Lewis and the News, which is that it includes the words and the news.

Well, you could have a tribute band called Huey Lewis and the Fake News. Sure. So it's the genuine Huey Lewis, though, right? Yeah. Yeah, I have a tribute band to Huey Lewis and the News where I have got the actual Huey Lewis as the front man. Is he the front man in this band? Or is he part of the fake news? I feel like you'd want to do something else.

You'd want to, like, you know, drum or like... Yeah, well, he doesn't have to. And it's not that... Whenever it's someone and the so-and-sos, it doesn't mean that person's in the front. I mean, usually it does. Someone and the so-and-sos is a great name. We should text George.

Someone and the so-and-sos. Yeah. I'm just going to write it down. Yeah, make a note, Alistair. Someone. And the so-and-sos. So. So and... We've got a film studio who are starting up. Yeah, we a note, Alistair. Someone. And a so-and-so. So. So and so.

We've got a film studio who are starting up. Yeah, we've done that. That's written down. That's written down. That's set in stone. We're potentially going for this 20 to 1 Mandela effect thing. I don't understand what that is. Look, so what it is, it's like the TV show 20 to 1.

Did you ever see that? Yeah. Was that with Ray Martin? Oh, it might have been Burt Newton. Burt Newton. Yeah. But in my universe, it was Ray Martin. It might have been Burt Newton But in my universe It was Ray Martin

No that's right I always remembered it being Ray Martin So there is one Burt Newton And 20 Ray Martins One is 20 or 2 the other one And then I guess I think this would go good on facebook yeah because you know people would like oh yeah mandela fair remember that burn stain bears yeah and then

but then you get some other ones in there stored in the sun yeah um just as stupid as we can make them is it like is it too too dumb to have one who's like, look, I remember there being six biscuits left in the jar. And this morning there are only two. What about... Obviously, at some point we've moved into a parallel universe. What about, I remember humans always having two nostrils. But then they just have one in this scene. So as soon as we cut back to ray

he's just got one big nostril yeah and then everybody from that point on just has one nostril and we've actually it was mid-show that we shifted yeah we shifted to a parallel universe yeah i love it so much i love it almost as much as my great biscuits idea that i proceed to remember everyone really laughed heaps at. Yeah. In my universe, that one was much funnier than your nostril thing. Yeah, but things changed in your universe. Yeah, I guess.

So wait, do people have one nostril first, and then at some point it changes and we all have two nostrils, like we know that we all have, some people think otherwise or is it the other way around no no no when they say that we all have one nostril and then but they're like no they go remember i thought i remember everybody having two nostrils like that and then we cut to ray nodding to this it's ray and then all the talking all the talking heads are just suddenly they just have one nostril now. It's just.

Yeah, that was so weird. So, like, it's Kenny with one nostril and. Yeah, it's Kenny. Ida Buttrose with one nostril. Absolutely. Scotty Cam. Yep. One nostril.

Other Australian celebrities. Paul Hogan. You know what? If you only had one nostril. Yes. I don't know why you would do this, but if you were standing on your head, you could catch loads of rain in there. So much rain.

And that's why it makes sense, right? Obviously, we'd have one nostril because when we used to hang in the trees, that's how we'd collect water. Yeah, like you would just sleep with your head back like that. Wake up in the morning to a fresh limped pool of rainwater and snot. Aren't we just dividing the amount of rainwater we can currently store in our nostrils? No. It's bigger. It's more efficient to have one large nostril.

Oh, so the- Oh, it's a big one. It's much bigger than just two nostrils separately. Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't mention the nose size also changes. And your nose and your mouth swap places. Can we also have... Can we also have...

Oh, yeah, I think I remember that. And then we cut back to someone and suddenly their nose and mouth have swapped places. Yeah. And I reckon I remember that our noses used to be above our mouths and the other way around and the nose is upside down it just kind of looks like it's a little pointy upside down thing and there's people who have this big smile in the middle of their face and they're going yeah me too no i don remember that. And then they all swap back.

I don't think so. I think we're slowly getting into a hellscape. Yeah. I love it. It's everything we want. But could we also have ones in which people are like, but I remember a universe in which people remembered that there was a fake version of Shazam with Shaquille O'Neal. And now the people are like, I don't remember that version.

Does that make sense? Like as in they remember? Other versions of the Mandela effect in other universes. I remember a universe where there's no such thing as television and then just the whole program stops. Or they're performing it live in a cave or on stage. What, in Plato's cave? Yeah.

So they're just shadows on the wall. They're just shadows on the wall. And the men are shackled. And there's all these people shackled. Oh, I don't remember anything! And there's one true philosopher who breaks out of the shackles and leaves the cave and comes back and tries to describe it to everyone. He's like, there's a 7-Eleven out there.

But he sees the world and his brain can't handle it. Yeah, that's right. This is what I recently listened to the beginning of one of those podcasts about history of philosophy. And obviously really early on they get to Plato's cave. So it's fresh in my mind. Oh, wait, is Plato's cave what we're calling the giant nostril? That would be really good.

Yeah. To be honest, they were all just shadows projected on your nostril wall. Which is all smells are, really, aren't they? Exactly. They're not... Smells aren't the real object. They're just a shadow of the object. That's right.

The smell of a pie isn't a pie. A smadow. It's a... Is a smadow, there would be such a thing as a... Or a schmadow. Or a schmadow. There would be such a thing as a smell shadow because smell would radiate out from an object. So you've got a pie there and then you've got a large vertical plank

between you and the pie. There'd be a region behind the plank in which there would be a smell shadow where the radiating pie smell would not fall into that cavity. It's true. Pete, you're looking at me in a way that doesn't fill me with confidence that I've said anything. I'm just thinking of that famous Cat Stevens song. I'm being followed by a smell, smell, smell.

Moon pie, shadow, moon pie, shadow. Moon pie. Yeah. What a time to be alive. Anyway, you can tune in to Simpsons Quotes daily. They do a lot of those on Do Go On. Do they? Yeah, pretty much every episode they'll get into some kind of a riff on.

On a Simpsons quote? On the Smamsons. Yeah, on the Smamsons. I always remember them being called the Smamsons. All right, look, that's the 20 to 1 Mandela effect. Yeah, yeah, great. Okay. All right, look, that's the 20 to 1 Mandela effect.

Yeah, yeah, great. Okay. I wonder if time is an illusion and what we think is time is just us every unit of time moving into a parallel dimension. Wait, wait, like the illusionary units of time. Well, all we do is we just keep moving into a parallel universe, which is one imaginary unit of time further ahead of the one we were in before. And because of the Mandela effect, we're like, I seem to remember it being a second ago. Last I checked, it was a second ago.

Well, that's positive because that makes time travel more plausible if you can move into another dimension which is what is that dimension static the one that would exist every dimension is static yes it only lasts for whatever unit like let's say a second yeah that's the unit i've never thought of anything much smaller than that no i was looking at my clock the other day and i noticed that it only moves in units of seconds yeah you know made me think do you prefer like a sort of a a a 60 minutes like kind of yeah i want that what was that i'm prism what is that 60 minutes one what speed was that? I'm Peter Harbour. What is that 60 minutes one?

What speed is that clock? I'm Liz Harbour. Are those quarter seconds? What is that? It's a stopwatch. I know, but are they half seconds? Yes. I don't know.

I've never timed them. It seems to defeat the purpose. I'm Peter Harbour. Maybe they're just trying to trick us into thinking that a second is much faster than it is so that they can shorten the program and cram in more ads. I guess they also had to differentiate themselves from 24. Yeah. You know, the TV show that was also done in real time. But that definitely did do it in seconds.

Yeah. But that definitely did do it in seconds. Because it was boop. Yeah. Boop. Boop. Boop. Boop.

Boop. We're really going for different tones there. But also, Peter Harvey talks so slowly, right? Maybe they put that there at the start as like a little metronome to try and kick him into gear. Come on, Peter. Oh, Peter Harvey, come on. Peter Harvey's mailbag. That was great.

Somebody else's voice. Yeah. It doesn't sound like you at all. No. And it also doesn't sound like Peter Harvey. But you are Peter Harvey, so, yeah, it's very confusing. We're drinking beers. Andy felt guilty or something.

He made a sound, I think. But you know what? I feel like that explains a lot about this episode. Or a sound shadow. Sound shadow. If, like, a new universe was being created every unit of time, right? Yes. But not only just one new one.

It's like there's just hundreds in terms of all the possibilities that could occur, right? Sure, sure. Yeah, that's heaps. Already that's so many. Because let's say you're a multiverse. Yes. You need to... Oh, hi. I'm a multiverse.

Hello, multiverse. Well, especially if you're starting out as a multiverse. Oh, no, I'm out of milk. You need to – This character is so rich. You need to populate your multiverse very quickly. And so by creating, say, like, let's say 100 universes based on all the micro things that a person could have done every second, every even millisecond. You know, that's a really good way to kind of get your numbers up really fast

because if you're trying to get to infinity. Yeah, that's going to take ages and you want to wake up pretty early in the morning and get started. You're assuming that there are potentials. What if it's just this is it, this is the way it's supposed to be and this is the only way that things can possibly happen. Like this is a this is the way it's supposed to be and this is the only way that things can possibly happen like this is a universe yeah so the next second is the only next possible the only possible next second there's only one possibility wow yeah so it's predetermined yes yeah it's all what if it's not worked out but there is only one option the way that that it does happen because i

think that's probably closer to the way that it is. Well, otherwise it'd be a bit hard. Well, it's just hard. I'm just thinking, I can't be bothered doing all that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think it just... I tuned out ages ago. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm thinking about something else. It seems like too much work to predetermine it.

So you don't predetermine it. You let it happen. There's only one way it can happen. And it's the way that it does happen. Or at least afterwards you say that was the only way that it could happen, so you make it look predetermined. This is Alan and my theory about trying to make it look like you've worked harder than you have. You just make really clear decisions, right, and you pick something, and it looks like you've really thought about it

because people assume that if you've made a bold decision that you've thought about it. You'd be crazy not to. Must be a reason. You can just make the decision anyway, and then they'll assume that you knew what you were doing. Make it until, or fake it until you make it. It's basically, it's a post-determinism universe, right, where you watch everything unfold and you say, see, I meant that. Well, it's also because it's like it makes you look like a dumbass to ask anybody who does like creative work why they made a decision.

Oh, that's the worst thing to ask. Yeah, yeah. So you go, you're supposed to sort of just get it. Yeah. You go, oh, I have an idea why you did that. You go, yeah, don't ask me. So do I. Yeah.

I've got an idea. I have very strong reasons for doing that that's a that's a really good trick for that artists have pulled off isn't it making people feel bad for asking why they did things that was a bold decision yes it wasn't just the first thing that made with just cause yeah i mean you couldn't get away with that in any other profession, you know? Malcolm Turnbull, when he tried to give this $444 million grant to this Great Barrier Reef Foundation. $444, that sounds suspicious. It is already.

It sounds like a number that would come up on a pokies machine. Ding, ding, ding. Yeah. Four Fours. That was probably how they laundered the money. In many ways. I'm all about money. I don't know they laundered the money. In many ways. I'm all about money. I don't know if there's any money that was laundered.

Guys, keep going with what you were trying to say. But he just made that call, right? And now people are like, why? Why did you give them the money? They didn't even ask for it. Why did you give them that amount of money? Whereas if he was an artist, he'd just be able to say, well... That's the way it's supposed to be.

If you have to ask, you'll never understand. You'll never get it. That's why I'm proposing I become the first artist prime minister. This is great. This is a very two-in-the-think-tank idea. What have we had? We've had reluctant prime minister. We've had actively, violently against the idea prime minister. We've had a president in a box. President in a box, exactly. And now it's time for artistic prime minister.

He can't justify any of his decisions. He just does what he feels. It's jazz, political jazz. I actually like this a lot. I think this is a sketch idea, definitely. Right. Okay. I'll just write it down now and we can work out what it is later.

Yeah. He dresses quite – Just like an artist, a prime minister would do. Exactly. Yes. He dresses quite artistically and all of his advisors and that sort of thing sort of very much protect his ego and you know uh compliment him on all his decisions are we just describing donald trump no no no no no no no no he he looks like he works in art

admin so he has red wears long flowing clothes. Right? He's got red glasses. Exactly. He clicks a lot. Yeah. During speeches. After his own speeches. Like that.

He uses. He has a lot of girlfriends. Sure. He's polyamorous. And they're all cool with it. They're all cool with it. Yeah. And they all have boyfriends and they're cool with it.

They're cool with it as well. If anything, yeah, they're all cool with it. If anything, the thing I said. Yeah. If anything, it is what it is. So in terms, like this artist, Prime terms like he's the this artist um prime minister is making what does he do his policies he's making policies he's making funding decisions he's declaring war on various countries but as as artistic statements you know he's not he's not

governing for the people he's governing for art yeah and sometimes that is for the people because sometimes you just want art for the people. Like, you know, when you put like a carver, some wood to look like a wave in a coastal town. It's a bold statement. People love that though, don't they? Oh, they eat it up. They go, it's a wave. We're near the coast. Look, one of the logs has been carved to look like a dolphin.

That's right. Oh, wow. Where do they get their ideas? You know, there's a lot of light blues and dark blues and then some white. That represents the whitewash. Of the water. Sure, it could be of water. Okay.

Of the water. Sure, it could be of water. Okay. So artistic prime minister is taking, is like a pop artist. So they're taking things from culture and then reprocessing that and then giving it back as art. Sure. They might do the previous party's policies, the previous government's policies, but do them satirically.

Or just make them blue. Yeah, or make them blue. They might declare war on Vanuatu, but more than anything, they're declaring war on the status quo. That's right, because we never, you know, that was just a thing that no Prime Minister in Australia had ever done that. No. A good reason. No Prime Minister in Australia had ever done that. No.

For good reason. Yeah. I'm mobilising the nation's army against the status quo. Which is going to be difficult because you would want the Navy. Oh, the military is a huge part of the status quo. Oh, no, Vanuatu is not connected by land. I see what you're saying. Why do you want to mobilise the Navy? Why don't you mobilise the Navy?

Or the Air Force. No, no, no. See, this is exactly. I immobil you're saying. Why do you want to mobilise the Navy? Why don't you mobilise the Navy? Or the Air Force. No, no, no. See, this is exactly... I immobilised the Navy. They're all standing perfectly still down at the mall. People love that kind of art. But it's the Army. I'm sending them...

Meanwhile, the Army are treading water, doggy paddling their way to Vanuatu. Driving tanks right into the sea. It's a striking statement about the futility of war. Exactly. And when you do blow up stuff around Vanuatu, you blow it up in a cool, like, sort of stencil pattern that looks like... Oh, Jesus.

You know, that looks like Santa Claus given a gobby. Wait, when you said blow it up, I thought you were saying blow it up like one of those pop art pieces. We can do that too. Like that too. And it's Santa Claus giving a gobby. So is there like a Banksy kind of a thing? I was going for a Banksy. That's why I was thinking those kind of earthy, blow-up-y tones.

That's why I was thinking, you know, those kind of earthy, blow-up-y tones. For anybody outside of Australia who doesn't know what giving a gobby is, it is sexual fellatio. Performing a sexual fellatio. Yes, not an asexual one. Not a platonic fellatio. No, in a cave. Platonic-y. I just, I don't get how he gets to describe friendship and also this hell cave that we all live in.

You're right. Plato is complex in that regard. Also, I didn't trust, and this is one thing that I think he got wrong. He thinks that somebody would escape the cave and then would lose their mind when they saw the real world. But I reckon you'd go, whoa, this is really different to in that cave you go but you know what i like it yeah it's better better i haven't lost my mind i'm just glad to be out of that cave i'm thrilled you think that

could be let's let's tell him that he would lose his mind Sounds like the kind of thing you would say to a guy If you're trying to keep him to stay in the cave Maybe Plato's cave was actually He was just describing a place where he was Keeping people locked up And what he was telling them It's really suspicious Has anybody checked out Plato's cave? Not recently, no

See what he's doing to people down there? Is that Plato's Cave off the Nepean Highway? Plato's Cave. Now, I'm just trying to get this reference. Is that a reference to the Christmas cave or something? Is that on the Nepean Highway? Yeah, the Christmas cave. I think I could open up a shop called Plato's Cave,

and I guess we'd sell, I don't know, fireplaces? Fireplaces, blindfolds, shadows. Shadow puppet shows. Yeah, we'd sell shadow puppet shows. You could just do it with a projector. You could probably just blow out, like, what's that movie with that guy, the sled at the end? Good Morning Vietnam.

Good Morning Vietnam. Good Morning Vietnam. You could just blow out all the colors, right, so that it's just silhouettes. Just say that it's a puppet show. Great. Know what I mean? Yeah. Just get the contrast up real high. It's all silhouettes.

Just say somebody – like at the end, have a guy come in. He's like, yeah, i'm the puppeteer and everybody shakes his hand they go oh my god how did you do that how did you do that amazing how'd you make the voice of fucking robin williams with your hands and then he goes you know the thing when you make farty sounds with your hands and then he goes it's just it's basically just an It's an advanced version of this. This is like a life hack or something. Like an easy way to trick people into thinking you're good at shadow puppets. Or like a way to make money quickly. Just blow it out.

Blow out. You find some guy on Fiverr who knows how to blow out films. You know Fiverr? You go on there, you spend and give somebody five bucks. Fiverr's not the part I'm having problems with. Right? He knows how to blow out films. It's just he gets the contrast up. Just the things up

in front, they become silhouettes. And then just the white, the background becomes white. I don't think you know how black and white works. Things up the front become Silhouettes and then just the white, the background becomes white. Wait, are you just talking about... I don't think you know how black and white work. Things up the front become silhouettes and things... Are you just talking about, like, a light shining on a wall? No, no, no, no. It's the film.

You're just blowing out the film. You're turning up the saturation so it's just blacks and whites, right? What are you... Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. Is it... I think because you said blacks and whites and made it Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. I think because you said blacks and whites and made it a racial thing. No, no, no.

You'd be turning down the saturation to remove all of the color, wouldn't you? That's how you do it in Photoshop. I mean, we'll work it out when we open Plato's Cave. Okay, got it. Plato's Cave. This place that sells wood heaters, blinds, and life hack puppet shows.

No, no, we're not. Well, I mean, I don't think we're selling how to give away, like how to do the puppet shows. People are coming for the puppet shows, staying for the wood heater so they can buy a wood heater, take it home. Yeah. Geez, I wonder if anyone's realized thatato's cave is like a really good metaphor for today's media do you reckon that's anyone's thought of that maybe wait before our news media yeah probably yeah here we go wait just before we do this here's a thing that we could sell in plato's cave right you know like this is the problem with a lot of wood stoves, right? You've got to get a guy to come in, tear a fucking hole in your floor

so that you can pass this pipe up through your second story, right? Yeah. If you're living in a two-story house, you're doing okay. Yeah, right. You know, whatever. The pipe's still got to go through the roof anyway. Yeah, it's got to go through the roof as well. You've got to tear it through the roof.

You could have a first floor. Yeah, yeah. You've got to tear through something. There You could have a first floor. Yeah, yeah. You've got to tear through something. There's going to be some tearing. Right? And so then, anyway, it's permanent. If you realize you don't like the heat from a wood stove, you don't have to stack in wood. What am I going to do?

Oh, I don't like the kind of heat we get out of this wood stove. I mean, that happens. Yeah, it's the wrong kind of heat, and there's no way to stop it from burning. I know, but then you've just got this stove. Anyway, at Plato's Cave we sell a wood stove that is portable. Okay.

But instead of like a pipe that goes outside it just comes with a big bag, right? And it's a big bag. It just fills up with smoke. Yep. Right? And then when it's bag. It just fills up with smoke. Yep. Right? And then when it's full, you just go outside and you just

squeeze it out. It'll be a fun thing to do with the kids. Or I could just try to squeeze out the smoke bag. Who wants to help Dad? Me, me. I want to. No, you got to do it last time. Share with your sister. Or you can inhale what's in the bag.

That'd be fun as well for the kids. Because you could breathe it in like a cigar and not pull it into your lungs, but just into your mouth and then just blow smoke rings together. All right, what about this? It'll taste like camping. What about this, though? Because that could be not very environmentally friendly, right? What if we also have a bin, very environmentally friendly, right? What if we also have a...

Not less environmentally friendly. A bin, the grey bin, right? And you have to put your smoke bags into the grey bin. It's just a huge bin. No, you've got to squeeze the whole thing in there. It's a real nightmare. You've got to compress the gas. It's quite a comical scene.

It's really light. You've got to put this huge inflated bag in there. I don't mind that. Right? You like the comic scene? I like a comic scene. Yeah, great light. Put this huge inflated bag in there. I don't mind that. Right? You like the comic scene? I like a comic scene. Yeah, great. Well, this is going to be one of those.

Oh, wait. It'll be funny. It'll be funny. Yeah. I want comic scenes. And actually, if you could start mentioning comic scenes in all your other sketches. I'll put them in all of them. Yeah.

This is quite a comic scene. Especially in this house, Plato's wall, like Plato's cave, like the news media one. Yeah. Will that have a comic scene? Oh, Alistair, you better believe this scene is going to be comic. Okay, wait. We finished the Grey Bin one. And then they take away in the truck all the bags,

and then they put them into Skyfill, which is a section of the sky where we're keeping all the pollution. It's like landfill, but we're holding it all there with big fans. It's all trapped. How is that different from what we're doing right now? No, because they're keeping it all in one place. Oh, we could just be doing that. That's what we're going to do.

Couldn't we just have a big bag? Big bag. We could just have a big bag. That's even better than my fan idea. I mean, the fan idea is great, but then you've got to have fans above the smoke to keep it down. It's a lot of work. You know, is it just like, is that a guy in a hot air balloon? Is that a guy in a plane?

Whatever it is, it's a guy. It's a guy. It's a man's job. Yeah. Smoke wrangling? Whatever, yes. The smoke shepherd. It's quite nice, actually. Sheep are a lot like a little puff of smoke. That smoke shepherd. It's quite nice, actually.

Sheep are a lot like a little puff of smoke. That's right. And if this was Japan, there would already be a manga about it. Yeah. But it's not, alas. Japan. It's not a manga or it's not Japan? Japan isn't a manga, but also this isn't Japan.

Alas. Alas. Alas is also not a manga or it's not Japan? Japan isn't a manga, but also this isn't Japan. Alas. Alas. Alas is also not a Japan. It's almost a last car. That's true. Yeah, but I thought we... Which is close to Japan. In a way.

You know. This could be our silliest episode. Yeah. But anyway, write that down. Skyfill. Skyfill. I like Skyfill. Yeah.

And it connects directly to our Plato's cave idea. But also, that bag is going to... All that pollution, the bag is going to rise, right? It's going to go up. Oh, it's got to. Right? And then surely we can do something with that. Can't we just float around under it?

Jumping castles? Jumping castles could be filled with just pollution. Yeah. Put them in jumping castles. Sequestration. There you go. Pump it in. And then when the kids jump, they're compressing it in some way.

Are we describing clean coal? Is that... I think we've cracked it. Yeah. This is something that our artistic prime minister can do. Absolutely. He somehow connects coal companies with children's parties and finds a lot of the jumping castle stuff is just energy

that's not being used very efficiently. Kids go wild. They use way more energy than they normally do. They're not efficient. Yeah. They're actually inefficient. And then when it turns out this doesn't work, the artist prime minister can just say,

it was always just going to be a statement about futility. Exactly. You don't get it. Like war. Like war. A lot of your policies seem to be statements about futility. Yeah. Well, that's the futility of existence.

You got us there. It was a statement about futility. Yeah. Do you think marching is futile? Marching? You know, like big marches? Hang on, which kind? Do you mean like a protest?

Or the month of March? The Ides of March? You know, like all these marches that have happened. Remember the march for the Iraq war? No, it wasn't for the war I remember it There probably were marches for the war And you remember all these ones that were

And I'd like to state for the record That my dad, at the time, thought that we probably should go into Iraq But since then, he's reversed his opinion I think he's pretending never to have had the other position Mandela effect Yeah, that's what it is Could have been the Mandela effect As soon as your dad realized how bad the iraq war has been we switched into it but that's not the reason why people have got bernstein and

berstein um confused it's because they were no it's because the iraq war because they they realized that they didn't like berstein yeah Yeah, they grabbed Bernstein. An alternate universe where Bernstein was the... I can't even remember what the other one's supposed to be. Bernstein. Yeah, you haven't got any of them right so far. No, no, no. I know it wasn't that it was his realization that made us go into a different parallel universe. It's just that it also happened right after.

Just coincidence Yeah Which happens Because I mean a lot of people remember him having loved that war To be honest I think he celebrated the war But I mean why do we all have to have moved into a different universe? Could you use this as a defense in a court of law? My client seems to have unjustifiably murdered this

person but in their defense they had just recently arrived from a universe in which their murder was justified circumstances have changed yeah yeah or actually no it's not circumstances that have changed it's everything else everything all everything that isn't circumstances has changed Yeah, his circumstances have remained the same But just in his universe The universes have changed Dimensions That sounds like a legitimate defence I mean, you know

Who would you get on the stand? The proprietor of Plato's cave No way, Plato's cave Wait, Andy? Yeah I'll tell you about my good prices on wood heaters And that wasn't very much help to the defence No, but it would have been in that other universe

Bloody hell That would have had them rolling in the aisles Which in that universe is a really good sign Oh right, Not a crime? Not a crime, no. He had them rolling in the aisles and I assume that he just had fed them some poisonous thing that made their stomachs

hurt. How many... If you're talking about aisles in, say, a movie theatre, there's only two, really. Yeah, but if you're laying down, you do take up less space. So there would only be people on either side of those aisles who would be able to get out and roll in. Oh, that is true. Because it takes a while to empty out a movie theatre.

That's true. So the rolling would have to be very well organised and sustained. This is another great life hack, right? Because we had the one before about how to get cheap and easy puppet shows, shadow puppets. Right? Like unbelievable high level of puppetry. Oh, incredible. Acclaimed.

People won't believe it. Especially how you did the voices. Yeah. Just using your hands. Yeah. The farty sound people make with their hands. That's a key part of shadow puppetry as well. But this is another life hack.

Are you making the shadow puppets with your hands? Well, sound shadows. No, but there's sound shadows as well. That's the thing. A lot of the sounds, what's more impressive is that the sounds that he's making, he's making them with the absences of sound. The absence of sound, right. Which is really what sound is.

No, but if you think about it. Okay, I will. I'm trying to. No, but if you think about it... Okay, I will. I'm trying to. But no, but if you think about it, right, sound is only given meaning by the absence of sound, right? It's the... Because, right, every waveform can be made from a superposition of different waveforms,

so therefore it's only by removing waveforms, silence, of particular frequencies that you create the shape of a specific waveform that then conveys information. But is silence a waveform? Anyway, I'm trying to get at my point about this other great life hack. Okay, sorry. And I'm going to forget it because I've forgotten so many things this episode. If your shadow puppet isn't going well in your life, you can create the impression of a really successful shadow puppetry by, A, giving people some kind of intestinal poison so they're rolling in the aisles, right?

You can also release a whole lot of spiders into the theatre so they're slapping their thighs, right? And think about... Or it's a comedy shadow puppetry. Sure. Why not? I mean, any reaction. I feel like every good movie should in some way include comedy because it's just a part

of life. That's true. Right? And every bit of art represents all of life in a way. Exactly. Right? I'm just thinking about how... Yes, Mr. Prime Minister.

You can induce a reaction in someone by doing the physical act that happens with that reaction. Well, maybe you're not inducing your reaction in them, but you are sort of creating the impression for people walking by that people are having a great time. It's like the... It's not like clockwork. It's about acclaim. It's about building a brand, creating buzz. It's the movie trailers again, right? We've got people slapping...

You walk past a place, everyone's slapping their thighs and rolling on the ground. Because they're in pain. All you can see on the wall, it looks like everybody's just watching shadow puppetry of Good Morning Vietnam. So this is essentially the scene in Home Alone

where Kevin McAllister is trying to convince the wet bandits that he's having a great party. Is he doing it in the shower? No, he's using those two strings. He's got that clown that you punch. He's got a cut out of... The wet bandits?

Yeah, the wet bandits. What do you think they're called, Andy? I didn't think they had a name. They did. One of them kept turning on... It was the dumber one, not Joe Pesci. The other one. He kept turning on all of the the dumber one, not Joe Pesci, the other one. He kept turning on all of the taps, and he's like,

we're the Wet Bandits, and that was his thing, and he was trying to get it to catch on. That definitely didn't happen in my universe. Yeah, well... Wait. They were just in a lot of pain. I was about to... Do you guys... They were always...

Whichever universe you go into... Existence is pain, especially if you're the guys from Home Alone. Oh, sorry, Home Alone. And Home Alone 2, they really copped it in that one. If Buddha had been in Home Alone, it would make more sense when he said that existence is pain. Yeah, yeah, especially if he was... Unless that's exactly what he was doing.

He was involved in trying to rob the houses of people who were away wait buddha is not buddha is not kevin mccallister in this so there's no oh my god we forgot buddha no no they're not going as they get on the plane right like that right um they're no no so no was he. So, Joe Pesci, was he Buddha? Yeah, it would be like, Buddha would be like a Joe Pesci or the dumb guy kind of... I feel like his physique was closer to Joe Pesci. Yeah, I think, and that is the role that Joe Pesci was born to play. Buddha?

Yeah. Look, I mean, he's been out of the game for a while. I reckon he'd come back, he'd make a great Buddha. Is he out of the game? Is he still I reckon he'd come back. He'd make a great Buddha. Is he out of the game? Is he still alive? He's still alive. I think so. Louis C.K. wanted to get him for his Horace and Pete or whatever,

but he ended up getting out Alan Alda. That was a pretty good get. It was a pretty good get, but I think he felt like he was settling. Yeah, really? For Alan Alda. Yeah. It's a shame we had to get Alan Alda for our comedy TV sitcom. Harvey Keitel, which in many ways I think is a better version of Joe Pesci.

You haven't ruled that out. No. It's still very much on the cards. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. You've got to get a good Keitel. Do you guys think that the shadow puppetry is its own thing? Yeah.

Yeah, sure. Write it down, Al. Write it down. A shadow puppetry acclaim. Keitel. Yes. Absolutely. A shadow puppetry acclaim. Keitel. Yes. Absolutely. He's got a surname.

He should have gone into, he should have started a phone company. Right? Yeah, no, you're right. And I don't think it's too late as well. Like, he could absolutely do a bloody team-up with Harvey Norman. It's Harvey Keitel. What about like... It's a phone company.

Yeah, Harvey Keitel. Oh, I see what you're saying. How does that... You can instantly sell that. Instantly sell that. I don't know if anyone's listening knows Harvey Keitel's people. Or Jerry Harvey. George Harvey or Jerry.

Jerry Harvey. Jerry Harvey. Or George Harvey. I'll settle for any Harvey. Really, we only need your surname. Peter Harvey? Peter Harvey. From 60 Minutes.

And it's like you don't have to talk quickly with Harvey Keitel. With unlimited minutes. Which is ironic because Peter Harvey has a mailbag. He still gets all his mail delivered. I mean, this is one of the services that Harvey K. K. K. K.

K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K.

K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K.

K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K.

K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K.

K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K.

K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. Yeah. text message. Now you can send somebody a letter and it'll go to them as a voicemail.

Or you can send them a voicemail and then they'll send you a letter. Yeah. That's even better. Yeah. Oh, fuck. That is so good. What about for grandma who doesn't know how to check her voice messages? What about me who just... It'd be so good just to take the pressure off responding to things.

If things... Slow it down. Is that what you're asking? Slow it down. A phone company where voicemails, any contact will come to you in the form of a letter. This has got to be a thing. Wait, why is it a phone company? Aren't you just describing the postal service?

I know, but the postal service needs... Yeah, they're dead. Rebranding. They need something new. Like, they need to become a phone company. I think... No, but I genuinely think this could take off, right? You call some number.

You call some number. You just talk for a while, right? You get everything off your chest. And then that goes to somebody as... That appears in their letterbox with a stamp and handwritten, right? And then they read that and then they can call the number there and they can leave a message back and you'll get the thing.

That'd be nice because then you don't have to write a letter. You don't have to write a letter. It's the same. And you don't have to talk to someone. And you don't have to talk to someone. And you don't have to talk to someone. It's all the benefits of a phone call without the disadvantages of writing a letter.

Yeah, it's like ordering pizza but ordering friendship. Yeah, human, you know, the way things used to be with genuine contact. Without too much genuine contact though. Oh yeah, no. Genuine lack of contact. Yeah, but the lack of contact

is genuine. Oh, it's genuine. The way that we used to lack contact. It's not that I'm not there. It's that I don't want to be. Exactly. Oh, I'm there. I'm in the next room. But this is better. I think it's beautiful.

Because we also... It's the Harvey-tel mail service yeah so this is like this is trying to abstract the phone company mail service your voicemail into another medium i think that we should keep going yeah and from this goes from uh like leaving a voice message to a letter yes to? To back into a voice message? No, it goes into a painting. Someone paints a picture based on your letter. Yeah, that's deeply meaningful. And then someone makes a film about that and then someone describes the film to you over the phone.

Somebody writes up the synopsis of the film. Yeah, well, I think, of course, a lot of the time when a film gets made, they sort of rewrite a lot of the characters, they condense a lot of the plot and they leave out a lot of the stuff. They've got to make it faster. Yeah, maybe even fictionalise sections of it. And that's the version of the voice message that was turned into a letter that I want to see, okay?

I don't want your boring voice message. I'll watch it at the cinema. And eventually with our thirst for content, Disney, Marvel, they're making so much stuff. Eventually, voicemail messages are going to be...

They'll turn to these and they'll be like, let's see what's in the voicemails. It's a completely untapped market. Nobody's ever listened to any of them. There could be great stuff in there. That's the thing. There's probably at least one screenplay.

I mean, you're right. Emoji movie, right? But that's text messages. It's crazy that we got the emoji movie before we got the voicemail movie. You've got mail. That's the messages. Yeah, it's crazy that we got the emoji movie before we got the voicemail movie. You've got mail. That's the email movie. You've got Harvey Keitel.

What was it? Phone company mail service. Phone company mail service. Harvey Keitel-ograms. And, yeah, shows up in the cinema. So I get the tell bit in K-tell. What does the K stand for? It just seems like the kind of initial that you'd put in front of a phone company.

K-tell. K-tell, yeah. That's the problem with Alexander Graham Bell, right? Really should have been named Alexander Graham Tell. Because, I mean there's a company in Canada the main provider is Bell Canada. The Bell-a-phone.

It should be called the Bell-a-phone. It should be called the Bell-a-phone. Or the Tele-bell. The Tele-bell, sure. The Tele-bell? The Bell-i-tell? The Bell-bell. I mean the Bell-i-tell is a different thing. That's when you know you've eaten something not good. Anyway, we could probably stop when you said it was the bellophone.

Do you think I should just read out what the sketches we have today are? Yeah, okay. Did we have any words from a listener or did we forget to do that? Oh, shit. Well, I'll get them. All right. Andy and I will talk about something else. Well, I like the them. All right. Andy and I will talk about something else. Well, I like the bellophone.

Yes. Because it sounds like a velodrome. Yeah, exactly. Or like it's a foam. Like it's not even a way of communicating. It's a noise. But also bellow obviously means to shout, right? Yep.

Or to start a fire with your bellows. Yeah. But do you think that the original bellophone was just shouting? He would just stand at the top of his house and he'd just yell, you know, across the suburb or whatever to his mates. Alistair, you look like you've got something. I got something, you guys. I got fucking something right here.

It's three words from a listener. Excellent. The listener is, if I did not- And these are people people who support our patreon which we should really start mentioning at the start of the show thank you for oh yeah do you think by this point people have stopped listening i i hope they have i i just you know really if you were to have any respect for them yeah exactly all we ever hope to do is to just distract you for maybe an hour in the hope that something better will come along. Yeah, yeah. That's all we offer.

We're giving you an opportunity for your mind to be occupied while you await opportunity. Exactly. Yeah. So support us on Patreon. Patreon. $3 allows you to give us three words. Support us on Patreon. Patreon.

$3 allows you to give us three words. $8 allows you to get more of this crap where we have two Patreon-only episodes a month. Yeah, where we're coming up with just random ideas on one of them and developing a sitcom on the other. It's very good, Pete. It's called Exorcisters. It's very compelling. Oh, this sounds great. It's about sisters and their exorcists.

Where can I subscribe? Patreon.com forward slash thinktank. Excellent. I'm there now. Or is it forward slash twointank? Alistair, I don't know. I think it might be twointank. Twointank, sorry.

Yeah, thinktank, that would be something else. I just tried to sound confident. No, it's okay, but that's what we do for... A living. Sound confident? I definitely do not. No, definitely not. Anyway, the three words today if i did not mistranscribe his name it's kieran mcfadzian mcfadzian thank you i like it and your words are

kieran now this first word is going to it's going to be a word that I'm going to say it with your accent so that you know what I'm saying. With my accent, there's going to be some gray area. Yeah, great. Ants. Ants. Yeah, instead of ants, I would say ants. Yeah, great. Right, yeah, and we get different ants.

Ants. Ants. Wood. Yep. Laika. Do you know what Laika is? Is Laika spelled L-E-I-C-A? L-A-I-K-A.

Laika was the first dog in space. Holy moly. Oh, I'm loving these words. Ants would Laika, right? I mean, have we had an ant in space? I don't know that we have. We've had a woman in space? I don't know that we have We've had a woman in space I don't know if she was an aunt

Several women in space Yeah, that's true You sound like you were correcting me, Pete But when I said we've had a woman in space I didn't rule out the fact that we might have had women in space as well I was just referring to one of them Okay? I don't generalize.

I think we've had more than one at the same time. Really? All right. Now, I don't know. I mean, becoming an astronaut does sound like something an only child would do, but there's a chance that... It really does, doesn't it? I wonder if there's a statistic about that.

You know? I mean, I don't know why this is – this is what I've thought of. But is there like a record for the deepest a person has ever gone? And is there a record for the deepest a woman has ever gone separate to – A person. Like separate – like they've got like, oh, the first man in space was this, the first woman in space. But what is the deepest into the earth, earth's crust, a woman has ever gone?

And then we could also find out what's the greatest distance that two people have ever been apart, right? Because while the guys were on the moon, they were a really long way away. But simultaneously there were probably some women down a hole somewhere, right? But they would have been closer depending on, yeah, so you'd want to be on the crust, on the opposite side to where they were on the moon. Because if they were deep in the earth, they'd actually be closer than the women who

were outside on the crust. Do you think that when... Sorry, not the crust. What's the bit that we're on? The crust. The crust. We're on the surface. No, wait. No, is this the core?

No, this is the core. Because when I think of crust, it's at the bottom. You have a pastry crust. No, no. And that's at the bottom of the dish. But what about bread? And what about the part that you cut into at the top? Yeah.

What do you call that? The roof? Pie roof. That's the top. I mean, that's not a... That's the top. That's not crust. Yeah.

That's just top. If it was meringues, you wouldn't call it a meringue crust. It's just an un... No, no, no. But you say base. You call it the icing. Icing? If it was icing.

Sure, if it was icing, I'd call it icing. But I'd call it icing even if it was on the Sure, if it was icing, I'd call it icing. But I'd call it icing even if it was on the bottom. No, I think I'd call it... No, isn't the part on the top blueberry filling? Yes. Sometimes. Filling. You can't have filling on the top.

Yeah, for me, it's crust, then second bit of crust, then filling. Then I just have a fork laying on there. Look, to be honest, we're all filling, you know, because the atmosphere is the crust. Really. If the earth is a pie, then the atmosphere is the crust and we're filling. That's true. But it's a very light. Very light.

Very kind of souffle, very soft, very melt in the mouth. Like a meringue. Yeah. Like a sort of a pie filling, like a blueberry filling. All right. I'm pitching this. Meringatang. You thought the orangutan was endangered. Wait till you meet the merengatang.

So he's... I mean, this feels like something that would happen in a dessert competition. Yeah, it dissolves in the rain. Forest. Or is this an orangutan and a meringue Both get into the teleporting machine At the same time That's what I was saying Pete Reassembled at the other end as Jeff Goldblum

Or as a meringue-a-tang Anyway I'm just wondering if when People were Separated in space We had a man on the moon Do you think that if his wife was on Earth, she felt more lonely when the Earth was rotated away from him

than when it was rotated back towards him? And could we measure that in some way and use it to measure the distance between the Earth and the sun? I guess we could just get her to do sort of a survey twice a day. Yeah, a survey. How lonely are you? Please rate it to like 18 decimal places. Do you think it's related in any way to the orientation of the Earth?

I mean, that's a leading question. I'm not a very ethical guy. Do you think that before, after they put a dog in space, before they put, you know, men in space, do you think they put an aunt in space? Are they in somewhere in between a dog and a man? No, Andy, I really think very highly of aunts. Actually, more highly than I do of people

who don't have brothers or sisters and have children. That's true, yeah. Wait, what's the other word? Wood. What kind? W-O-O-D? Yeah, W-O-O-D. Oh, wow.

Yeah. I didn't realize. What kind? W-O-O-D? Yeah, W-O-O-D. Oh, wow. Yeah. I didn't realize. Oh, did you think it was wood, W-O-U-L-D? Well, yeah. Really? Yeah. Why would you? In the context of the sentence.

But I didn't realize he was fucking with us on every level. Oh, no, he absolutely was. But we should expect that from our listeners. Multi-level fucking. Yeah. So then when you heard Aunt's wood-liker... I tried to create meaning, Alistair, from it. And I'm sorry, I was wrong.

I can admit I was wrong. Look, and I appreciate it, Andy. You've really grown a lot over the duration of this podcast. Of this episode. Both this episode and as well as the duration of our lives. Oh, that's definitely true. You're a big boy. As you pass through this universe into the next one. Into the hundreds of other ones.

You've definitely made progress. There's something about having Pete here that's made this episode much more interconnected. Everything's connected to everything else. No, but I think what it is is that it gives people, well, there's three people here, it gives us a chance to think about anything other than the thing that we're about

to say. And we can get some perspective on life. Yeah, you know, you're the connection that's really been missing from our lives. Anyway, we won't have you on for another two years. Excellent. Wood. Wood. Comes from trees. Okay. Wood. Wood.

Comes from trees. Okay, yeah. It grows out of the ground. Dogs pee on them. Yeah. People are trying to make artificial meat. Is anyone trying to make artificial wood? That's interesting.

Especially if we could make artificial wood that you could eat. That you could eat. Yes. Out of meat. Out of meat. You could eat it with your meat. This is a recurring theme of the podcast, Pete, that we want to be able to eat wood, right? We want to be able to prepare it in such a way that it becomes edible.

I mean, it just doesn't make sense that we don't, right? Yeah. I mean, really thin. Yeah, thin shavings. I'd eat a shaving. I know, but I don't want to eat a shaving. How do you want to eat wood? I want to eat

a stick, but that's been prepared correctly. It's just no one's prepared it correctly. So they've prepared it correctly, you mean that they've sort of pushed it in such a way as to get out the poisonous bladder, which is actually the deadly part of the stick. Yeah, or like

slow-roasted it in Coca-Cola or something. Whatever you've got to do, you know. Maybe shoot it into space. I'm not a chef. This sounds like a great YouTube series. How to eat wood. How to eat wood. Like just every episode the chef tries to use a different cooking method,

explains that cooking method, and then shows how it could be used in other foods and then applies it to wood. Well, I'm very excited for the possibility of making wood out of fake meat. Is that what we were talking about? Yeah, I think so. We were making fake wood. Fake wood.

Yeah, like artificial wood in a lab. Which you could do. You know, you saw these Impossible Burgers, right? You've seen these Impossible Burgers. They've made plant matter look like blood. Well, it's like for the same reasons. Well, maybe not for the same reasons. But let's say people had a moral objection to cutting down trees.

Which they should. Yeah, which is how you get wood. So why don't we try and find a way so we don't have to destroy these wonderful creatures? Well, look, I mean, it's a way off in the future. But once we, A, recognise that plants have souls, and B, discover that you can eat wood, there's going to be a market for

ethically grown wood yeah in a lab made from meat made from meat meat that we that we've grown in a lab also no we got that from a cow but but but but so we'll be able to finally eat wood with a clear conscience. Yeah. So is this what we're doing for this sketch idea? I don't know. What have we got? We've got ants, wood, lacquer.

Lacquer. Lacquer, sorry. We don't have to use all of them. We don't have to use all of them. No, we don't have to use any of them. We just have to be inspired by them or near them or after them. I think of like aunts as like plural, like there's a team of aunts. That's true.

They're not necessarily siblings. That's true. They all have siblings with children. Do you think that maybe there could be an arts space program? Because at the moment, everyone wants to get their space program off the ground, right? Not only have we got the European Space Agency, the Australian Space Agency now. We've heard people talking about our need to get one up and running. We've also got corporations.

We've got SpaceX. SpaceX, your Teslas, your Richard Bransons, right? That one in New Zealand. Why can't arts get one? That's true. And it's a kind of a subculture, the global coalition of arts. The GCA. Don't you know about the GCA?

They're one of the biggest political groups in the world. I mean, just think about their organization, the resources that they would have, pulling all those together, just all the know-how that they would have between them. It would definitely put a dog into space. If they know as much about space as they do about what your sisters have been up to, it's a lot, Pete. It's a lot of know-how. My aunt's coming in. She always seems very informed about what's been going on, which makes me think that she'll know a lot about what's been going on in space.

She might not have know-how, but she certainly has know-who. Who's been in a relationship recently? Who's been writing thank yous to their Christmas cards? Wait, so it's a rocket powered by gossip? Yeah. Red hot gossip. Red hot piping gossip rocket. That sounds like a B-52 song.

Yeah, gossip rocket. Climb aboard my gossip rocket. Duke box money. Look, I'm just going to aren't space agency yeah i like i'd like to see them all getting together at uh the as the asa right and in a big like dr strange love kind of circular war yeah yeah absolutely i represent the aunts of North America. Like a United Nations of aunts. I mean, you could almost, it's like the A-U-N-T. Wait.

It's A-United Nations. T, so it's like the Ants United Nations. Team. Team. Ants United Nations team. Or Art Space. Team Space. Yeah.

Art United Nations Team Space. Yeah. It's beginning to sound like a James Bond secret society now. Which they are. Yeah. Yeah. I heard that in like a James Bond secret society now. Which they are. Yeah. Yeah. I heard that in the new James Bond movie, Idris Elba will be playing Ants. I can't wait.

James Bond's Ants. Ants. James Bond aunt oh it'll be like like a like a kind of

nutty like not nutty professor but nutty professor like the clumps it'll be like the clumps it'll be James Bond's aunts

they're all played by Idris Elba. I mean, he's playing like six aunts. And some from both sides of his family. His maternal aunts and his paternal aunts. And his fraternal aunts.

What? And his internalnal arts. What? And his internal arts. And his nocturnal arts. And his not-ternal arts. Yeah, those ones as well. All right, I'm just going to run us through the... Guys, bad news. The microphones haven't been recording.

Is that for real? No, that's not true. Oh, my God. It was a prank. It was a really good prank, Andy, that I laughed a lot about. Okay, here's a sketch idea. When the idea of film began, they made it seem like they'd made heaps of films

by making short trailers. You've got to stress for success. Absolutely. You've got to make it seem, especially when film is just starting. People were raving about audio at that time. People were just raving about radio plays and sort of vaudeville. So wait, these are radio plays to promote film? The early 2000s.

No, no, no, no, no. How are they promoting it if no one knows what film is? Well, they're... Using film? They're making one or two films a year. They're making one or two films a year, but they're making lots and lots of show reels that they can make it seem like they've been making loads of films we really know what we're doing and people who are showing up to cinemas just to listen to radio plays they would then project something onto the wall

yes yeah because the idea of projecting something on the wall seems like like something you would only do if you were crazily unprepared. Just look at the wall for a while while we get something sorted out. Yeah, and I'll just get some lights projecting on there and maybe we'll get some shadow puppets or something like that.

Then we got 20 to 1 of the Mandela effect. I think that's going to be a great sketch. Yeah. Yeah. That nostril bit, Alistair, really kicked it into gear. Kicked it into gear. And then at the end, what was it? They're just basically sort of hovering blobs.

Yeah, but there was something where there was no TV or something. Oh, they all remembered the TV didn't exist. Oh, they all remember the... TV didn't exist. TV didn't exist. I thought TV didn't exist then. It doesn't. And then it's the end, yeah. Not sad I don't hear it on TVs anymore. I'm Reynolds G. Moore.

I don't know his name. Artistic Prime Minister is next. You don't know any names. Gene Moore. Reynolds. I'm sorry, I'm not good with names. Just any names. You try to come up with a name really fast when you're deep in a bit.

Yeah, if I had to come up with a concept of names from scratch. If I have to think of a name that's never existed before. It's hard. I had a criteria. I had to sound like a guy who was at the helm of 60 Minutes for years and years and years. You're absolutely right. If I tune into 60 Minutes tomorrow and I saw it was presented by Reto G. Moore, I wouldn't bat an eyelid. Good question.

No. We've shifted. Everything is as it should be. Reto G. Moore is at the helm of 60 Minutes. Well, nothing seems to be out of hand here. Okay, we got Artistic Prime Minister. Then we got Plato's Cave, which is just a shop that we got on the side of the highway. Come on down to Plato's Cave.

We got shadow puppets. We got wood stoves. We'll sell you chains. Come get locked up. Come get locked up. You could rent it out as a group sex dungeon. Sometimes, you know, you've got to cater. You've got to cater.

And you've got to diversify as well, right? Diversify. You can't just chain people down there looking at shadows on the wall. You can't expect that you're going to get all of that clientele just based on people's love of Play-Doh. I'll tell you what, though. Yeah, that's true. Oh, Play-Doh's cave. Yeah, Play-Doh's cave.

I tell you what, a great thing about chaining people up is that you don't have to worry about return business, though. I mean, that's taken care of. They never leave. No. That's the one kind of business that's even better than return worry about return business, though. I mean, that's taken care of. They never leave. No. That's the one kind of business that's even better than return business. It's stay business. Stay business. Locked up.

Then we've got Sky Fill. Yeah. My favourite James Bond film. Yeah. And then it's actually only one letter off. Yeah. That was a working title. That was a working title, Sky Fill.

Stored in the Stone. That's really what they're doing with carbon sequestration at the moment, isn't it? Stored in the Stone. Yeah. Probably just stored in the dirt. Yeah. Anyway, this is Stored in the Sky. In the Crust.

Shadow Puppetry Acclaim. This is kind of the guy from... Which is really the atmosphere is really the Crust. Yeah, that's true. Which is what this is. Which is what we're doing, yeah um shadow puppetry acclaimed that's really the guy who started plato's cave but then he got so much acclaimed that he found other ways to even get more acclaimed he got a shop front so he's right like you know where there's a lot of like walk

people walking by it was basically he uh this is after apple collapsed and he's using a lot of those kind of glass front buildings. Yeah. So he can get the people, the cinema goers to come and watch his shadow puppetry where he's blowing up the screen. So this is after Apple, the world's biggest company with the world's largest cash reserves, has collapsed. Yeah. On the Nepean Highway. No, no, no.

He's gone into the major cities now. Oh, so – That's why he's broken into the major cities now. Oh, so... That's why he's broken off from Plato's Tale. Try and keep up, Pete. He's no longer on the Nepean Highway. So Apple's flagship store in New York, which is on Broadway or... First and Central.

First and Central. Yeah, or the one in Sydney, you know, like one. Yeah, and that's gone under, And so it's selling for cheap. Yeah. And he gets it and he starts doing shadow puppetry and he's releasing spiders and poisoning people's food and things like that. So they're rolling in the eyes and slaps and slapping their thighs and things like that. He's doing other horrible things to them and they love it. Yeah.

He's got no return business, but he's got endless first-time business. That's right. Because that's the only kind of business that's better than return customers. Yeah, it's just endless. Endless first-time customers. So it's pretty much business as normal in the Apple store. Hey. No, I think that's the opposite.

No, Pete, that doesn't scan at all. Oh, my God, that doesn't work for Andy. No. Then we've got Harvey K. Tell phone company mail service. This is good. I don't know. I think got Harvey K. Tell phone company mail service. This is good. I know. I think it's right. I think it's an idea that could work.

Maybe not at a big scale, but you could definitely at least do it once. Once, yes. And if there's one kind of business that's better than... It's just doing it once business. And then we got the Ant Space Agency And I'm not sure 100% if it is Related to James Bond and his aunts

But Anyway we got an Ant Space Agency And UN We've seen James Bond get married Right And we saw reference to his parents In Skyfall And we don't actually know who his parents in Skyfall. Yes.

And we don't actually know who his parents are. Because they do explore his aunts. James Bond's aunts. In a lot of ways, M was an aunt. Yeah. She kind of came up. She was very aunt. That's what M stood for.

Auntie. Yeah. Aunt. Monty. Monty. She was actually a Royal Canadian Monty Police. Which is a major auntie. That's it, Alistair.

We now can't release this episode. It's a shame. Just quickly, Alistair, which sketches do you think Aunt Ants would like? Well, I think that they might think that we're talking about an ant space agency. Which they would love. They would love that. Imagine that. Because they're always looking for new places where they can build their nests.

Yeah, they colonize. They literally make colonies. That would be great. Send them to Mars. Mars, to make it habitable for us. They weigh a lot less, so you'd have smaller rockets. That's actually a genuinely good idea. Or you could fit more ants onto a normal person-sized rocket.

Those fire ants that seem to be able to survive anything, I'd just like to see them have a go at... Let's send them up there. We'll see what they do. Yeah, just see. I reckon they could do something with it, Mars. Red ants, they're fire. The red planet, they're fire ants. It feels like it's a good fit.

They cling together and make structures What is it that fire ants do that would be beneficial to us? Well, I mean Well, they make it Well, it's already uninhabitable to us So it can't be worse It can't be worse Well, I mean, we could make it a bit worse

This is for the people who are trying to stop people from going to Mars Right This is the problem with Mars. It's too tempting. Exactly. It's not uninhabitable enough. It's not Venus. That's for sure.

Yeah, not Pluto. If we... I think the reason we don't respect Earth enough is because we always feel like we've got a back up planet in Mars. If Mars, which is a bit worse, maybe we'd take protecting Earth a little bit more seriously. So let's send some fire ants up to Mars. Yeah, take Mars off the table.

It's off the table. That's not an option anymore. Now we've got to get serious about this current relationship we're in. Because then if we're going to go to Mars, the first fleet is going to have to be like exterminators. Yeah, clean up all exterminators. Yeah. Clean up all those ants. Yeah. And that seems like a pain in the ass.

And it's their home turf now. They know their way around. And we're sure that they're not already there. The fire ants. That could be why it's red. Yeah. Oh, that's right. I don't know. Yeah.

We do have a robot there. Is that an ant? Anyway. It's a lot like an ant. Oh. It's more like an ant than it is like a man. Also, I think Is that an ant? Anyway. It's a lot like an ant. It's more like an ant than it is like a man. Also, I think... Or an ant.

I mean, I didn't write this down, but I think the ants would like that edible wood. Because they already love wood. They already eat it. But now they'll be able to eat it guilt-free because it's made in a lab.

Yeah, and made it out of artificial meat. Which they also love. So... And made it out of artificial meat. Which they also love. So. So. Actually, genuinely enjoyed that song. You've never said that before. I've never meant it.

No, I have enjoyed many of them before. I think usually we laugh instead of enjoy it. I thought we were fading out. It was a good system. But then we go, first we go, oh, we're on Twitter. You can get us at 2andTank. I'm at AlistairTB. I'm at StupidOldAndy.

I'm not on Twitter. But you're on Instagram at? Yes, Peter Thomas. P-E-A-D-E-R-T-H-O-M-A-S. Yeah. And you can see all his posters and things that he's done for us and for other people. And I presume you've done other stuff as well. Yeah, maybe.

Other than make posters for us and for other people. And I presume you've done other stuff as well other than make posters for us. If you want to see the logo for Tool and the Think Tank but don't want to listen to the show, that's where you can go. Yeah,.com. PeterThomas.com as well. And we are going to get T-shirts going. Yes, soon.

Very soon. They're coming soon. Yeah. Thanks, Pete. That's all right. But you have a website as well. We've got lots of good stuff on it as well. PeterThomas.com.

P-E-A-D-E-R. Is there any way people can just give you money? Not currently, unless it's in person. Do you want to give away your bank details? No. Okay. Not right now. If you want Pete's bank details, you have to pay for them.

What you have to do is you have to record a message, and that message will be turned into a letter. Money. Money, which will be then mailed to the bank, and then they will take care of the rest. I'd love to have a phone service where you can just call up, tell them an idea, and they'll just give you some money if it's a good idea. Yeah, I would like that.

Cash for ideas. Yeah. I mean, some of our ideas have got to be good. Cash for comment. Yeah. Anyway, cash for concept. Cash for comment. Yeah. Anyway, cash for concept. Cash for concept. That's good.

And we love you. Thank you.