Two In The Think Tank - 149 - "ABSURDIST CASINO" with DAVE WARNEKE

Episode Date: September 18, 2018

Collossal thanks to the most glorious Dave Warneke for appearing on this episode. You should certainly check out his hilarious podcast Do Go On and keep an eye out for The Book Cheat coming soon!Plane Diving, Plastic in the Cheek, Bespoker Machine, Ginosaur, Dress for Old Success, Ruin Daves Life wth Antoine Doodson, The Legal Battle of the Five ArmiesThanks to everyone who supports the pod by chipping in to our patreon hereTwo in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtbAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereDeep and meaningful thanks to George Matthews for editing this episode.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. Gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, gast drum, So when we come up with five sketch ideas, I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William, Trumbly virtual in our guest here today. In the tank. In the tank. From another tank. He's in the do-go tank. Yes.

Is Mr. Dave Hornicky. Hello. Hello, Dave Hornicky. Does anybody pronounce the W like an H? Hornicky. Ha ha ha. Dave Horn? I've never got Dave Hornicky. But I am Hornicky. Are there ready to go?

Everybody says anyone, he means that anyone, is that part of any culture on earth to pronounce any W's like any H's? I've had a lot of people having strained attempts, but I've never had Hornicky, am my saying that, dahid Honeky? Sometimes it's, wait, if you don't know how to pronounce something, it's best to just go with one

that you know is definitely gonna be wrong, just so you're in control. You know, like sometimes I'll see a name that's written down like a Hava Meister, right? And I'll say, is that pronounced water spout? Yeah. Just so, you know, I'll say, is that pronounced water spout? Yeah.

Just so, you know, I'm losing on my own terms. Sort of try to put that into terminology that you might understand. It's like if you're flying a plane. Okay, yeah, right. And you're pretty house. You're pretty sure at some point during the flight, it's gonna go down. So you may as well crash land at somewhere on purpose yes

So you get to decide exactly what you crash into right and then are you a hero in the situation? Oh villain well you did it wasn't really the real leader you're not you're not the victim of some of some happenstance right so when that Salamberger guy crashed on the Hudson River, they weren't going down. He just wanted to, he thought they may be going down. So I may as well be a hero landed on the river. Yeah. On my own terms. Yeah. Exactly. I get the analogy now. Yeah. Because it happened, apparently. Yeah. They said it was birds. Every, yeah, person in the sky. Every flight is ultimately like a battle against gravity. Right. And every crash, there are a certain number of victims. Right. It's very unlikely that you'll survive, but you can still choose to not be a victim by being the

person who actively flies the plane into the ground. Yeah, that's true. Right, so I had everyone here, the non-victim. I'm not a victim. Yeah. I refuse to be a victim of gravity. Yeah. You're a guy who doesn't want to be bossed around. Yeah, sure. So rather than gravity pulling you down the engines,

drive you into the ground. Yeah, yeah. You go way faster than gravity. You go faster than gravity. Yes. Yeah. As I understand science, what is it? Yeah.

And I think if you go really fast into the water, and then once you land in the water, you sort of pull up real fast. Like that. You do that kind of like that kind of banana turn. You know, like when you dive, you jump off a high diving board, but you kind of go feet first,

and then when you get in the water, you kind of go, you curl like a banana? Well, like you're going up a half-pipe. Can you do that? Can you get your feet to, can you shoot back out of the water again? I think if you go a bit diagonal, you know, you can settle it yourself. Then I'll give you a curve, your body right. Can I happen?

You turn that into. I reckon that's possible. I know it is. I'm describing a thing that you do. No, but I think there's something in this, Alistair. I think this could actually take place. Yeah, yeah. You go down into the water, swing that around, come back up out of the water.

Come back up. Like when a roller coaster goes down a dip and then up the other side. Exactly. This is what I want to see in that diving thing. Yeah. You know, a licked diving. A licked diving. So the highest jump wins.

Not the jump, I should say, the highest land. Yeah. You come back out again. You know splash on the way back out. And no splash on the way back in again. So yeah, so it's high diving, but with a second bounce. You're only counting the dive in the second bounce. Yes.

Yeah, and how many flips and stuff you can get in there. And you're in a plane. Well, that's what makes it impressive. What makes it impressive is that you were able to get that past all the judges. Yeah. Like, they have systems in place to make sure that you don't bring a plane in. Yeah. But if you get it onto the diving board, there's nothing they can do.

They legally they can't do anything. They should definitely be a rule. Legally or according to the rules of the Olympics. Do you believe there's a kind of law? Not, you know, not particularly in law. Now is that a sketch idea? Yeah, I reckon getting some sort of a plane on. It's making a plane into the Olympics.

Well, okay, it's a bit, but does that count for all sports in the Olympics? Or are we just going for the second bounce thing? I think the plane and the second bounce is confusing, so we should pick one. Right? Like the second bounce I like, but I don't know if it's as a meager like funny Whereas snicking a plane in like it feels like there's a clear path to comedy there Okay, I'll check the rule book. There's no rule against unclear paths to comedy using a plane Yeah, I would doubt that there'd be any sport in the Olympics that that's actually stipulates you can't use a plane. This is another one. Because why would you use a plane?

Who would you use that? Thinking outside the box. Yes. In fact, I'm pretty sure when the Olympics was created, they didn't even have planes. Yes. 1896. I didn't know that. I didn't know that.

I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. That wasn't who I was thinking of. Da Vinci, who made that early plan of the helicopter. Alexander Da Vinci.

That was his brother, right? That's Leonardo's brother? Yeah, that's right. He had an even earlier helicopter, which was even less practical. It was made with an umbrella. Did you see this? You see this?

I've seen Alexander Vinci. You can see this. This Alexander Da Vinci helicopter design. I have seen the early helicopter design. They say they say that it actually, it actually inspired the Leonardo da Vinci helicopter design. So he's biggest influence was he's possibly older, possibly younger brother. Alexander. I think he was younger brother. Also, yeah, a Vinci fame. Right. younger brother also I've been to yeah a Vinci fame right I Think is there something in Alexander Da Vinci Leonardo Da Vinci's brother

You know, I mean what did what did okay? So Leonardo Da Vinci what have we got? We've got the last supper. We've got the Mona Lisa and we got a bunch of machines most of which Didn't seem to work for For Truvian man. For Truvian man, that's a good drawing of a man. Oh, is that the six arms? That's only six arms, yep. He invented the idea of a man with six arms. That's pretty good. Is he the first guy to come up with that?

Yeah, Alexander came up with an amazing five arms. Okay, right, yeah. He was like, well, I can make this a little bit better. I was like, two sets of arms, plus one that comes up over the head. Yeah. Just for high five and an arm that's specifically for high five. The highest of fives.

Like with a, I talk about this, the idea of a scorpion, tail, style arm that comes up over your head. That's what he's got. Yeah. So he's a petripe and man head. I actually think that's a great idea. That's, so that like, that makes sense for like rating. Hmm that's a great idea. That makes sense for rating. Like a one of those clip on rating lines.

Yes, but on your back. But let's go on over your head like this. It's perfect for holding the book. And there's none of that. Because it's all support. You don't have to hold it up. It just kind of stays up like this, like a scorpion's tail. So you don't have to like your arms don't get tired trying to lifting it up from below.

Right, and lying. What about lying in bed? Is this better for lying in bed? Oh, it's really uncomfortable in bed. Oh yeah. You have to rate standing up. Yeah. I mean, sleep standing up.

Yeah, I guess you couldn't sleep on your back. You don't have a back anymore. Okay, so no back. You get this? Two fronts? Yeah,, so no back. You get this? Two fronts? Yeah, two fronts. Oh. You like that?

I love that. It was a problem for the Germans during World War II. But it's going to be... It's only that four on two backs. Yes. Then they would have been facing inwards. Inwards. And they could have given each other moral support.

They could have looked at what they were doing and realized that it was wrong. By looking inwards. By looking inwards. Yeah, you could have looked deep within. Why would we invade Russia and winter? Yeah, and the whole holiday. Or indeed at all.

This was the question everyone was asking, why in winter? But really, there's no appropriate season to really invade Russia because they're big and powerful. Oh, they're just, because invading is probably wrong. I guess it's wrong. When have any of the invasions turned out to be good, right? Unless you're reinvading something that someone else has invaded, but I guess every invasion is a reinvasion. Well, some kind invaded, but I guess every invasion is a re-invasion. Well, some kind, because everything's been invaded by everybody.

What about the rhinomids? The rhinomids just die out. I don't think they did. I think there were still some people there, but they had pretty sad lives. And then the tourists killed them. That's right. Yeah, because they were like dodoes. No, this is very racist, sorry.

I was about, yeah, because they were an indigenous people. Oh yeah, that's true. Yeah. It's great when you're just like three words into something and you realize it's racist. Yeah, we can't. Would have been better if we were white people. Would have been great if they were white people.

Because then we could have killed them with the way that might be racist. No. Yeah, yelling, it would have been better if they were white if it's not a good thought. I don't know what I mean. I mean, I mean, in terms of killing them in the sketch. I only meant in terms of killing them.

So your idea to make this less racist is to cast white people as them in the sketch. Oh my god. No, okay. I know what we'll fix this. I mean, you can't say anything that you guys. You're right. Could we invent an island where white people originate, but mostly died out, and then there's only three left,

and then tourists come and kill them. Yeah, what about that giant plastic island? Oh, the great Pacific garbage patch. Yeah. One of the touchstones of the two in the thing tank podcast. We, uh, we definitely discussed a lot. And I imagine there's a, there's a lot of white nights out there. Like the candy bar?

Also the candy bar. I know it's 40% at 42% fishing, fishing lines, discarded fishing lines. Yeah, and what once the other 58%. White night bars. White night bars. I see you're saying white night bars are 40% fishing line. Oh, God. That's terrific.

Yeah, and they're pretty chewy. But the recycling, you know, you'd be impressed with the how well fishing nets recycle, you know, are made from recycled materials, white night bars. All right. Right. Do you think that if we put just a little bit of plastic into our food, we could eat it all and like deal with it that way?

Or become inoculated to the idea of having plastic. And you're sure, you know? But like, like you say you don't digest the plastic, but like you chew it up and you would sort of maybe, you, if we, I think maybe one of the things is we need to do more, contribute more to the process of biodegrading foods, plastics, our own plastic waste. So if, just like every meal that you make, you put in like 1% just old plastic,

yeah. You grind it up or whatever, you have a little machine, you use a coffee grinder or something, and then you wouldn't, use a coffee grinder or something. And then you wouldn't notice it really in the food, I don't think. It's true. But then you're all stomach acids and everything, it's like just getting a head start on that process of getting it started and deteriorating. Yeah. But what if you just held it in your cheeks, sort of like a hamster?

This is interesting. And so that's to keep it out of the ocean. Also, if everyone put two light bottle caps in their cheek. This is interesting. And so that's to keep it out of the ocean. Also, if everyone put too lot bottle caps in their cheek. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I think if you ground it up, you could sort of get more because you know, bottle cap is quite hollow. A lot of its air. Yeah. So if you ground it up into little bits, you could really stuff it up in that part. Sit up between, you know, like your top row of teeth and your cheek. Yeah, no one needs that part. You don't use that almost ever. That's storage. Yeah.

I presume. Yeah. Why is that storage? It might even be because I reckon otherwise food gets caught up there and stuff. And so it would be good because the plastic will sort of block that area from becoming full of food. So I've been talking to some people who are pretty anti-fluride at the moment. And one of the anti-fluride conspiracies is that they wanted to get rid of fluoride,

because it's an industrial waste product, and the way that they decided to get rid of it was to convince governments to buy it off them to put into the water supply. Which if you're trying to get rid of a waste product, is one of the most insane plans. Sure.

You could come up with, except perhaps for this one that we're coming up with right now. And that is trick people into thinking there's a good reason to put plastic in your mouth. To keep plastic in your mouth. They did convince us to put fluoride in our mouths though as well. Exactly. Yeah. So, but the plastic, maybe protect your teeth from the fluoride. Maybe. Good. Yeah. Good. Why wouldn't they introduce a species to kill the old species that that went crazy? We're introducing this to take out the fluoride and what will be introduced to take the plastic out

of our mouths? Probably one of those big nets that they have that they're like deploying to the great garbage patch to catch all the plastic. Right. So they can empty it out. So like a mouth net, we have a mouth brush. We have a mouth net. Yeah, mouth brush. You know, you've heard of brush toothbrushes.

Mouth brush, I believe. Oh, brush. What, do you only clean your teeth? There's a lot of other stuff in there. I know. What is that? You have a cheek brush Oh, brush. What, do you only clean your teeth? There's a lot of other stuff in there. Oh no. What is that? You have a cheek brush, tongue brush, under the tongue brush.

Do you guys brush under the tongue? Hard palate brush, soft palate brush. Rift of the mouth. Wait, so like, am I writing in, do your bit plastic in the cheeks? Yeah, plastic in the cheeks. Yeah, do the right thing. Mate, you know, cause it'll be one of those things where if you do the maths, you could probably work out

that all everyone has to do is put two compacted milk bottles in their mouths and we'll eliminate 80% of the earth's garbage. Yeah, like in primary school, if everyone just picked up five pieces of rubbish, they just have to say, and put them in their mouths, the school yaw would be spotless. Also, if we were to just use one room in our house to just fill up with garbage. The garbage room. Yeah. Then we wouldn't go into back into nature.

Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, one garbage room house. Yeah. Carpe more. Hey? I mean, if you were kind of a study, kind of a bedroom, but it's probably more a garbage room. Yeah. We didn't put the bedrooms in Mustalini, says tour because you can do what you want. Currently, it's a garbage room. It's very successful. Yeah, it's doing really well. When guests come over, it's also a guest room,

but they just lay on and throughout the garbage. But there's garbage in their mouths, there's garbage under their backs. They don't notice the difference. I mean, it's just ways of dealing with the waste epidemic. Because I think we've probably come up with ideas like just before, you know, keep all emissions in the sky. Like if we were to just put them in a big balloon. Have a sky fill. Sky fill instead of landfill.

Oh, so there's a lot of hot air balloons. Yeah, yeah. We're just like plastic. One, one really, really big one. One big one. Like, day, you just put all the... There's a carbon dioxide in there. Like, yeah, this is, like, I mean, I'm throwing all the ideas that you hear. You must surely feel the stalemate. I know. There's a lot of carbon in the air.

No, I think that's a great idea. Yeah, I'm mad. That's an old one. I'm sorry. We just need reassurance. Sometimes, I mean. Have any of these ideas ever made you rich? I mean, you said that's not a sketch idea,

but I'm going on that shark tank show. For example, Well, we recently did an episode of our I mean, have any of these ideas ever made you rich? Yeah, I've never said that's not a sketch idea, but I'm going on that shark tank show, for example. Well, we recently did an episode of our bonus Patreon podcast called Two in the Side Tank, where we came up with five business ideas. And all of them have made it since it's made us rich. Right. Every single one made us rich.

Patreon makes you rich, baby. Yeah, I'm actually wearing another one. I'm makes rich. Petrion makes you rich, baby. Yeah, I'm five. I'm five rich. You're five, he's five rich. I'm gonna add it and just four and a half. Oh, how many garbage rooms do you have? Mate, I'm gonna afford to have every room as a garbage room. That's how rich you are.

Yeah, I have a, each room has a walk-in garbage room. Each, and each one of his rooms has its own colony of raccoons. Well, I am so jealous. You know, I guess you're from a small town in Australia. You don't know about how raccoons like to go through garbage. I saw a raccoon in Mexico. Really? They go down that far south now.

They named him Michael. Really? They gave him like a normal English name. No, I know I called him Michael. Oh, you called him Michael. They didn't call him Michael. What did they call him? Oh, they didn't know.

We didn't want to tell the hotel about him, because they thought we'd... He was in the hotel. No, he was on our balcony. We left a drink out there and he was just sipping it. What floor were you on? The ground floor. Ah, good floor.

Yeah, is that floor one or floor zero? That's a really interesting question. Yeah, or G. I say start at like five, you know? A lot of his bottom levels are small numbers. And it makes it seem better when you're up the top as well. Because if you're yourself ahead start. Have you ever been in a hundred floor room?

No, like you know, a hundred floor. No, I haven't. Yeah, 150? Yes. Okay. I didn't stop. Straight to the top. Yeah.

Empire State. I haven't been there now. No. Chrysler. No. People listening to you all. Singer building. Singer. Singer listening to your... Singer building? Singer?

Singer. Sowing machine building? What's that one? Rock of health center? Rock of health center. Mmm. Macy's. Day parade.

Central Park. Yeah, middle central park. Central Perk. First another ground floor. Yes. Monks ground floor. Yes. Monks cafe? Oh yeah. Joe's Dana.

So, is that the same thing? You ever committed bigamy? What is bigamy? What is bigamy? What is bigamy? It's being married to two people at once. Is that? Is that bigamy?

It's also called living. Or I come from. I haven't made married once, but I have made to Los Vegas. You have? I mean, when I was eight years old. What did you do? What a waste of journey. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, also, like, if circumstances had been very different what an inspiring movie or like what a fun Moving for kids, you know if instead of your life it had been a movie a kids movie right and I Came like a professional poker player exactly on the eight. Yes

You this is good. You tell everyone that you have some sort of a growth disorder Yes, and they're too embarrassed to question it. Exactly, because of like, it would have been, I figured this movie would have been made in the 90s where that like that kind of a joke was very in, you know, the idea that people are too embarrassed to ask anything about your growth disorder. We could have used that as a major plot point. Yes, despite the fact that I keep ordering pop tops to the table. I'm eating lasnacs. They still think, oh, this guy must be in his thirties.

See, do you comment? Dave, I feel like that's something that you plausibly might still do anyway. Yeah. For lasnacs, please, sir. Anything you want, this guy's rolling in big. Rolling in big. I'm a professional table runner. Hey, get out of my way, I'm rollin' in big here.

Well, he's talking. Talk. Well, no one really knows how to play Crap's. You just say words. And then, every now and then, that just gives someone $50. And we call it like, we call it like low roller or like, yes, tiny, tiny roll, I mean, that is a game in itself though, is it's just the game is the dealer at the table, every now and then just decides to give somebody 50 bucks.

Wow. Alright, you get dice, you get chips and all should like that. There are no rules You just do things around some of the pain guess who yeah I'm gonna play for you to earn an occasionally like the dealer just give somebody 50 bucks And then like you still get people who think they have a system as well Hmm, you know, no, no, no, no, no, I only play when I got a good hand You know, I only go to the table when I've been watching the table for a while and I know that the numbers are coming good.

There is no system. It's just sometimes the, the, the, the crew PA gives somebody 50 bucks. It's, it's an absurdist casino. Yes. Right. The people. Like, there's so much. You know, it's the people who who run it, they either, they're either hypnotized or they're deeply insane. Oh yes, because at the moment there's not that many jobs for people who are completely insane. I mean, there's a lot of jobs for people who

are just funk, have functioning mental illness. That's a lot of us. There's lots of jobs. There's lots of jobs. If anything. I open the paper on the weekend in the, I wanted to section, I say, so many looking for people who are functioning mentally ill. Yeah, but non-say, non-functioning. No, nobody says, but this fully can't deal with it.

Just anything, with anything. No. And then what they do is they just give people who are now gainfully employed just a stack of 50s. Right. Right. But they put them in like a machine that only releases one every 35 minutes.

And you just give it to someone that you, and then when it comes out they go, what's this? And then they just give it to somebody. But they it comes out they go what's this and then they just give it to somebody But they don't know when it's gonna come out and what if it comes out everyone This is a really specific Former mentally on this that like sort of makes people more or less standing the same spot Not really bother anyone But then when they get a 50 dollar note from a thing on their front, they give it away to somebody.

It's one of those illnesses. Well, they're all really well-off, so they own value money. That's true. And that is a way to guarantee that they're not going to keep it. Or we'll pocket it. Make them all rich first. So you have to be non-functioning and rich. And for, and for, like, but they're also.

It's a pettitly wealthy. Yeah. Well, I know I give you the money. No, well, well, I don't give any the money. No, no, no. We can't just give away money here. It's your job to give away money. We only give away money every 35 minutes and they're hypnotized, so that just to make sure

that is good. Yeah. What about, okay, here's, oh, no, you go. I was gonna say rather than every 35 minutes, it randomly pops out. Oh, I don't know. It feels like you're really messing with those fish. But then it becomes, you know, like someone might have

200 minutes. See, that's good. Because then you wouldn't just see the guy give away 50 bucks and walk away. Yeah, I'm just like, oh no. I reckon this guy's gonna pay up soon. All right, here we go. Yeah, yeah.

And sometimes if you do something to them, right, it increases the chances of money coming out. No, hang on, because then people can have a system. I know, but you don't know what it is. And every time, every time there's one thing that you can do to that person to increase the chances of them putting out the money. Sure, but if there's something different every time,

then why have anything at all? You know what I'm saying? That's why it's so absurd. You see, so sometimes it's to show them a feather, right? But other times, it's you tweak your own nipples. Right. And then other people are just trying different things. Yeah. And at other times, you sort of jog on the spot behind them. Like that, and then $50 will just come out. But then you won't see it because it'll become out the front and because they're wearing a big trench coat. And some of them, you know.

You know what else to it? You're right. This isn't absurd, just say no. And sometimes the people, the $50 they come out of the wrist like Spider-Man's web and they shoot across the room. Right, so even if you're the closest person, it goes over you to a random stranger on the other side of the casino.

Yeah, but then people are just spending money around you. I don't know why. How do we get people to spend money so that this is profitable for us? I think you got to pay to be at the table. Okay, but you pay a random amount. The money comes out of your account automatically. Another gamble. Yet another gamble. You got to give the casino your pen number. Yeah, and they're like, well this This lady's giving us $13. This man's giving us thirteen hundred dollars. So he's got to stay there a lot longer to get his money back. She could leave after one round of

thirty-five minutes. That's right. Yeah. And this is the casino where it's also a gamble because for the casino. Yeah he has. If we're the owners of the casino it's also a big gamble. Yeah because this is ridiculous. Because this has never been done before. Yeah. And we're probably landing ourselves up for some really expensive court cases. Now, here's a slight absurd, another slightly absurd thing. Don't I feel this will fit into your vision? Sure.

The poker machines, they'd have spent water instead of money. Okay. Right? Instead of like, you know, that crashing sound of all the coins coming out, you just hear like a spurt of water and you know somebody's got lucky. Yeah, and so then, and then...

A real gush. So is the casino sort of, you just walk around and sort of sandals and you've got about like, three inches of water on the ground. Yeah, a lot of the time. Yeah. Spooch, splooch, splooch, splooch, splooch. Oh, what if you, it's really hot in the casino and we don't serve liquid.

Oh, so that way when it gussies out people that run over, they want the water. Yeah, that's a good thing. Yeah, that's a good thing. Yeah, that's a good thing. Otherwise, if you don't get the water, you have to leave because you're so dehydrated. That's good. So it's kind of like a survival bio dome. Yeah, exactly.

I've been in here for eight hours. That's a good run. Yeah. Because I've had a couple of wins. I've had a couple of leaders in water. I've sweated a lot, but I've also had a few good cups. Now, why would people come here? Because it's the casino experience, but it's also the experience of surviving in a prehistoric time,

which is a thing that we've kind of lost touch with. You know, when every day was a battle to make it through, this is now taking that and turning it into an experience you can have on the gold cousin. So then should the, should the, should the sort of the Croupeier guys then dress the tapes? Well, I was going to say dress the trees. Right. Yeah. And also it's kind of more like the old days where you'd find a tree, a fruit tree, and hope for it, but instead every fruit tree is pineapples.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Actual pineapples. Pineapples. And inside the pineapples are $50.50 notes. Stuffed in the middle. Yeah. For anybody who's not from Australia, pineapple and Australia is

a $50 note. That's just that nobody uses. Nobody uses that you've ever missed. Everybody uses it. Nobody uses it. You guys both knew what I was talking about straight away because people know and people use it. Yeah, but nobody ever uses it in a real context. We're not only ever using it in a comedy context, but like something about pineapples. All right. Comedy context. Yeah, and they move their shoulders. Comedy context is a context that people need to know about to know so that we can travel.

OK, are there dinosaurs in this casino? I mean, that seems a bit unrealistic. Could that be the toilets? I'd... China? Did you say Jonathan's soul? I'm a Jonathan's soul? I mean, he's at the sign on one of the toilets?

I guess, I mean, that would be one of them. I guess the sort of... It feels like, I know this is going to seem really selling, but you know, like a brachia source. That feels like the kind of dinosaur that you could sit on and pee. And it would just run down the side like that. I feel like that's any dinosaur. You sit on it and pee, it's going to run down the sides.

That's not just the brachiosaurus, are you? Well, some of them are too small. What about, you know? Too small to what? Liquid to run off them? But what about that one in Jurassic Park with the flaps on the side of its head?

Go on that takes that Newman. It kills Newman. That sounds like the vagina saw. No, it's not. The vagina saws the brachiosaws the heel. Oh, you're right. I'm just falling down so I'm such an idiot. No, it's not the vagina so is the brachia so is the heel You're right But no, but this one spat like a sticky goo into his eyes Okay, do you think that this isn't now? I think is this the right forum in which to pitch a sort of a body positivity book

for women called vagina sore? Okay. And it's all the different types of vaginas, but they all live in some sort of prehistoric jungle. Us three guys, we can work out right now. Right, so this is like a picture book for kids. Yeah, it's a picture book for kids It's all for John's they all look different and they all live happily together in some sort of prehistoric ecosystem Maybe it's just called Jynasore rather than Vagina so because that maybe that's a bit full on but just Jynasore

Yeah, we are aiming for a kids, you know Exactly remember they've got to remember this is PJ. This is for kids. You know, kids. Remember, they've got to remember this is PJ. This is for kids, so I think. This is, you know, a system of vaginas is a kid. It's still a kids book. Yeah, that's right. So I think Jaina Sores a bit is a bit sort of like more kid friendly.

So the VAR is very offensive. Yeah, potentially. Look, this is a slightly different variation. Oh, okay. It's the same idea, but instead of dinosaurs, it's Pokemon, and it's called Volvasaur. Yeah, now I like your idea. Is it for kids? Well, yeah, no, no, no, this is... Okay, so then what are we doing?

I think it's a sketch. It's a morning TV show. Okay. And there's somebody who's come on the show to promote their book called Jynasore Which is Jynasore for kids. Yeah, do we have to do we have to specify that it's for kids or Will the drawing sort of I think it's clear. Yeah, okay great Jynasore. Yeah, Jynasore book and and so you go hey

Lewis and Gabby you guys have both come on here to promote your new book. That's right. I wrote it and Gabby illustrated it. I am quite a famous illustrator. It's great, well done. So can you guys... I'm a nobody.

I did it in a big paper. How did you guys meet? On the straight. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. She was trying to get away from me. But he's very fast.

Yeah, right. I agreed to a seven book deal to make him go away. Yeah, that's okay. Sometimes, you know, in, I think in France, they're trying to make street harassment of crime. Ola la. That would have saved you. Yeah, but instead I'm drawing the dinosaurs.

Right. And but and and so where did you guys get the inspiration for all these joiners? Louis, I'll let you feel this one. Um, well, I, I went to that museum in Tasmania. And I just copied them all from the wall there. Oh, right. Yeah, it was plagiarism.

But you... Oh, the gin was plagiarist. But you only wrote about the... I had described it in excruciating detail. Oh, I had a very bad picture. Page is a detail. And I saw that artwork in that whole bar gallery. None of them look like dinosaurs.

Did you? I just had it scales. You just had it scale. Scales and legs. Yeah. Right. And how does this story sort of work for kids? Well, I think it just...

To choose your own adventure. Yes, exactly. If your vagina's on at the start. But it's one in which there are no wrong endings. Like there's no endings in this choose your own adventure where the school burns down. Mm. Or your bus goes into a like. So, but the message is in the end is that no

matter what your dinosaur looks like, it's great. Yeah, yeah, it's great. And it has a happy life in the jungle, in the Vajungal. And what is this, what is this carnivorous dinosaur that just eats all the other ones. That's a metaphor. I think it needs to be a book like this for, you know, circumcised and non-circumcised men don't... Interact. Interact at all. Well, I'm sure there are some forms in which they interact.

But only because they don't know. What do you mean? On the cloud. But like, I don't feel like you get any kind of exposure to the others. Well, once again, I'm sure like, you know, game and probably compare to a certain extent. I guess you're right. Instead of guys who get changed together. Get changed, yeah, which I will never do.

Well, I started having to go to the pool. And now I'm getting more used to just like men who just stand at nude in the change. Are you also nude? Well, I, because I deal with my two-year-old, I go there with the two-year-old. And so, the only time I have any kind of nudeness, but it's usually only half a bod,

at a time, is when I'm taking wet off and then putting some dry and these on. And so now I've kind of accepted that this is just part of my life. Yeah, is to have, is to be naked with those men in that change. Just with the men, but just, and with your son.

But just how comfortable some guys are with just being there and standing there for a long period of time. I wish there was that changing. Just with the men. And with your son. But just how comfortable some guys are with just being there and standing there for a long period of time. I wish that was that comfortable. Well, I don't know. I don't know. I don't think that that's okay. No, you don't think so. But they're, but they're happier, I think. Yeah. But at everyone else's expense. Well, I know, but, but all the people that they hang around seem to be okay with it. The norms of a situation should be defined by the most, whatever's acceptable to the most uncomfortable person in the room. I know, but what about the...

Almost always me. And so I should be able to say what happens. I know, but then you think about how, you know, your life would be restricted by somebody saying anxiety problem. your life would be restricted by somebody's anxiety problem. Hugely. I'd be like, oh, I've had enough of your anxiety. Stop being so unhappy and you stressed about your life. You wouldn't be able to. I'm trying to stay and make it in a changing room. You look over and someone's having a panic attack. Surrounded by old pens, penis, they're all so different. I wasn't prepared for this by a children's book.

Which is where we come in. Yes. I mean, that would be for the male version of that children's book. If it was set in a sort of a gym locker room. To Rana Sora's penis. Yeah, perfect. Patinus Rackdactyl. Yeah, perfect. P- Poutine-ness,

rack-dactyl. Pfft. How many silent teas are there? You know, I said perfect today. And I, I think you wouldn't begrudge me changing my vote. I know when I've been beaten. Yeah. I know.

Where did you say? Toronto source penis. So, can we, can we, can we, can only admit it's very good. No, yeah, that is. Yours was excellent. Pee- penis tactile,

patina patina. Patina's tactile. And so they have wings. Oh yeah. Well, but they're more gliders. They don't look, I mean, I guess they flaps, didn't they? Yeah, they would have wings. Oh yeah, but they're more gliders. They don't look I mean, I guess they flaps didn't they? Yeah, they would have flapped they didn't just walk on the top of a mountain and then just dive Every time they want to go anywhere they have to walk to the top of a mountain. They're not built for walking as well. They're not good, but they don't have a good time

Which of the dinosaurs do you think had the best time? Are they looking into this? I mean, are they looking? You've seen this? Are they dinosaurs? They haven't had a good time. I mean, they're all dead. They couldn't have had that great. Well, look, But, teradactyls could fly, and they had the gift of flight. That seems really fun. Yes. But it's better to give them to receive. That's true. So if there was a creature that could give the...

Gift of flight. Gift of flight. So, like, was there some kind of catapulting dinosaur? A lot of them had various different weapons on them, right? Much more than we seem to have in today's animal kingdom. Like, you had the one with the spikes, you had the one with the big ball, you had the ones with the horns, you had the ones with the things down the back, all the ridges, like a chain saw.

Oh, you know, those ones those ones apparently they could get all red when they were angry. Really? They could make them red. This is stegosaurus. Yeah, like stegosaurus and then they could do this. They could just fill it up with blood and change the color to color as a warning.

They were already my favorite. This will be great for our penis analogy. Yes, they fill up. Yes, they fill up with a patina sterile ductile. Blood is a warning. Yeah. Blood and rage. Philip with patina stare a dactyl blood as a warning Blood and rage Stay away from him I don't know what is about you David, but this has become a very sexual podcast and you've clearly brought all of it

All those ideas Pagina sores patina stactyl They were all me Oh me and I apologize. I think when you said patinas dactyl, you took quite a few peas and stutters out of what was ours original pitch for the title.

Instead of change the idea in a fair apologize. You really edited down streamlining a lot, and I think it lost a lot of its charm. You didn't have to edit a lot of your title. I don't know. Are you working way too hard for way too little? of its channel. I mean to editorial lots of your titles. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT.

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Okay. Um, yeah. Was there anything in any of that stuff? Well, that was just another penis. Just another penis. I mean, we started with the casino. Yes. Yes.

Did we write anything down about the water at the casino? No, I just wrote down absurdist casino. Yeah, okay, great. Should I be writing slash bio-dom, slash survival? Yeah, like survival casino. Yeah. Um, I wonder if crown Casino actually has a crown. Do you think if you're won all their money,

you get the crown? We're eagerly have to give you a crown. Is that like clocking donkey con or something like that? Yeah, if you could become king, is there a way that you could become the hunt most, like the sort of in charge? Yeah, well I think once you get all the money, do you own the casino? Or is that the last thing that they give you, the ownership rights?

You think that you could do, because you know how in those back room poker games, people always put in their wedding room and their ring in their watch, which by the way watches these days like fucking keep it. All right, it's a burden if anything. I'd rather not win. People like if you go all in you take your watch off the table. This episode was brought to you by movement watches. I'm currently wearing a movement watch. Big supporters of the Plant Broadcasting Network.

I hope they don't just randomly listen to all the episodes on the network. Randomly all of them. Randomly all of them, Alistair, all of them randomly. I guess it would be random if they just listen to all of them. That is so random that we've listened to all of them. Nine hundred thousand hours of podcast. Yes. And we found one that didn't satisfy us. No, okay.

But this, right, I'd like to, at some point, you're doing so well, even it's just on a poker machine, you're having such a run of luck, yeah, that the head of the casino comes down and says, all right, we're betting the casino on this next run on the poker machine. You pull the thing and it comes up like eight cherries Eight cherries. Oh, they're like 14 cherries They're not even that many cherries on the thing. They did really well. Yeah Do you think if you brought a couple of cherries up your sleeve you could like stick them on like stick it? Yeah, great And then you get the you get the casino

Because also once you've got then you get the casino. Because also once you've got all the money, the casino's worthless anyway. That might as well throw it. Oh, you know there's the land that it's on. No, that's true, it's probably quite valuable. Oh, but then they, I think they're crowned because he knows renting it for,

it's like a $99. A $99, you're at least for a dollar or something like that. Yeah, it's pretty fucked. Did you know we have no money? Yeah, that's ridiculous, isn't it? It's cheap, isn't it? That's cheap. It seems cheap because they also seem to have quite a lot of money.

Like, relative to the amount of money. Whoever negotiated that, thought, these guys don't have much. A dollar. All right, we'll take it. Yes. A casino. And you're going to call it crown. Oh, okay.

Oh, God. Oh, it's going to be a big building where you just take people's money off them. Oh, dear. I really should have Googled the meaning of the word casino. Now, we've all agreed that watches, they don't do enough to justify the real estate that they take up on your body. I think what the one thing they've done though is they've really capitalized on an area of the body that wasn't doing that much anyway.

Like the rest is a bit of a nothing. But I think what they did by establishing that space as a place that could be used for function is they actually quite increased the value of the real estate there. Right, much like Crown Casino did with Southbank, which was a bit of a wasteland beforehand. That's right. Dave would agree.

Yes, absolutely. If you lived here your whole life. Yeah. And there was what was there before Crown? Swamp? Swamp? Swamp? I think the crocodiles?

Yeah, there's like, I think it was a real problem because the crocodiles were getting out. Did they see the bigiles? Yeah, this was, I think it was a real problem because the crocodiles were getting out and you know, they should have those big flames. Yeah, that was to keep the crocodiles in the tub. Okay, right. So now, Now it's burning off the methane from the swamp. Yeah, and so now, you would agree

that your wrist is no longer the swamp at once, once, and it's deserving of of some kind of good function. Absolutely. But now we gotta figure out what. What about spike? Like if we wanna put, eh? What about a big spike? Okay.

Like one of those ones to stop pigeons landing there. Well that's how valuable the riddle status become. Yeah, that's true. You gotta have pigeons that wanna feed on it. Yeah, that's true. Okay, well that'd be, I mean that's not crazy. It's the perfect, huh? That's how you know real estate is valued by the way.

When the pigeons are interested, when they want to feed somewhere. That's when the billionaires swim in. I saw an article in the in the main section of the newspaper, just yesterday, which was a, you know, five Melbourne suburbs where we've seen a lot of pigeons recently. So yeah, so that's a good sign that you read that out. The prices might be going up.

I read the whole thing. Whoa. Yeah. I guess the headline. That would be, that would just be the sign of a, like, that should be a sign of a successful person. Got a pigeon on them? No, I mean, either they have a pigeon on on them or they have spikes preventing pigeons from laying them. Oh right, because it's saying to the world, pigeons want this.

Yeah, pigeons. Well, what do you want to eat this? And what do pigeons like? Statues. What are statues of? Important people. Yeah. Hello. We're here.

Why wait? Get a pigeon now. Get a pigeon in life and it's like dress for success, right? Because you make yourself look like the statue you wanna have made of you after that. Yeah, stress for the statue you want to be. Because not only if you dress up all green, like a copper statue that has aged, right?

And you've got this pigeon've got pigeon spikes on you and you've hired some pigeons to sort of circle you. I had them. Yeah, yeah. It not only suggests that your success will be, you've been successful for a long time. All right, yeah, yeah. I was once clean.

Yeah, and like, and you're not like, but you're not like some new success. Like a football player. Like a football player or somebody who won the lottery. Right, you're old money. Yeah, you're old money, but not just money. There's a, to get a statue, you don't just have money. You've done something like win the lottery.

No, no, no, no, no, bigger than that. Like invade a country or, you you know or govern. Yes. Government over a successful period. Yes and so that's why you want to look like a copper statue. Yes. Yes. Or. Now what if you could have a lottery and you could win a lottery but instead of giving you money they just gave you a lot of fame.

You know, just made you... because people... that's what people want these days, is fame, right? Right, are you prevented from making money from the fame? No, I think you know, if you know what you're doing, you can monetize it. Sure. I feel like that's what the Kardashian's did. Well, I mean, is this just viral videos? It is, in a way. Yeah. But I guess something good, like the lottery is life and something funny happening to you whilst being filmed. Is your number coming up? Is your number coming up? Yeah. And I guess the thing is that a lot of people

like lotteries, they blow that fame. That fame doesn't last. Right. But then you see some people who make that fame really last, like Chrissy Swan, who was on Big Brother, and now has a successful radio career. That's right. Thank you. So she got picked in the Lotteries? She, yeah. Well, you know, it was definitely...

It wasn't exactly like a viral video because it was, it was like it took some casting people to the TV show. And it was a TV show. But let's say on Antoine, what's this? Thompson, Dodson. Antoine Dudson, you know, he said, you know, it's a hard, hard, hard, hard, hard, hard husband. All right, yes, I know that video. This guy, because they'd be ripping everybody out here. That guy, I don't know if you turned that into success.

Did he get a TV show? Yeah, actually, I think he bought a house. I think he got money out of the wrapped video that they made out of it. And he was able to buy his family a house or something. See? God, you guys know a lot more about this Antoine Dutz and than I did. Did you follow his career? Not as closely as you.

We've specifically brought you onto the podcast. Dave to sort of humiliate you for your lack of knowledge about Antoine Dootson. Dootson. Dootson. I would like to go on to a show like Einstein Factor or Hardtries and have my, that's your top hit of my topic being Antoine Dootson. But also I would like Dave to have been invited along. And to not even realize that he's actually going on the Einstein factor or whatever had quiz kind of show.

And he just has to be there while... And he also gets asked questions about it. And he's in the team with you. Yes. But you've brought him on to mark him and make him seem like a real idiot. Yeah, less of a man. Less of a. And and is and you've invited his his family and his girlfriend.

Yes. And everyone's here. And you said and you said you said to them, you've been doing a lot of stuff behind Dave's back while preparing for this show. You said to him, this is Dave's favorite topic. And he knows everything about this. He says it really builds up quite a lot. It's so important to him he's afraid to talk about it, which is why he's hidden it from you guys.

He's never heard him talk about Antoine Dutson before. But he's a wreckens that this defines him as a person. And if this doesn't go well today, he's leaving forever. Society. Society. He is gonna join the more a eels. And that's not a football team. That's an aquatic beast.

Yeah, it's an aquatic beast. And you have agreed. And this is a contract that I got you to sign. That you will no longer use. So were you tricked him because you got him to sign something asking, like you were asking him to witness the document about how you were becoming an organ donor or something. But then you had carbon paper under there

and you had a different contract underneath. I had this thing. I thought it was like, yeah, it was both an organ donor card, but also a release form for the TV show that you're going on to humel you. So, and you actually agreed that you're going on to humiliate yourself. And you actually agreed that you were no longer going to use your arms and legs separate from your torso. Well, I'm going to be stippled to myself. Everything is going to be stippled together. Stippled

together. You're going to just come as long as you've ever been. You're going to become your longest. You point your toes at all times. Yeah. Right. And you were going to become your longest. You point your toes at all times. Yeah. And you are going to become aquatic. And you, in the document, promised that you would survive exclusively off of air bubbles in caves underwater. And you are going to like such an idiot. And I'm gonna take your family. What do you win to my family?

I win your family. And I'm gonna take them in those mini submarines, one at a time, and take them to your caves. You and James Cameron are gonna come down and visit me. And then you take him to the cave. And we're gonna watch you from afar. And we're gonna laugh. The question is, I mean that is such a good prank.

I mean, the prank question is, why? I think, prank and, and, you know, say, I'm gonna go, he didn't know anything about a antelope tooth, like that. And I'm gonna make out with every part of your, everybody you love. Is that part of the contract? No, that'll just be for pleasure.

Everything else stayed along the way it was business. And that's part of my new YouTube prank show. What a sketch, I just sketched how to do ruined days watched. Yeah. Ruin. Don't have life with Antoine Dutton based game shows? Do you reckon you could have a game show in went to saw on like a late-night American show it was called Repo-Kane. Oh my god, the show. A guy rocks up to people's

house and they haven't paid the reinstallments on their car. It gets jacked up on a tow truck. You get given five questions and you can answer three or more, they lower your car, you get to keep it. But if you only get two or less right, they drive away with your car. A new handshake and agree that that's what's gonna happen. And every time you get a question right, it either lowers the car or goes up.

Wow. It was in our high-cutter dough. To the moon. Oh my God. We got them and can it go to the moon? They squash it against the moon and they bring it down they say there you go you can keep that after all Yeah, that's that's really it was a rip it that's really messed up and I think that's the sort of thing that maybe you can only have when the economy is doing What a real down-to-line turn and everybody's doing it tough.

It really probably loses a lot of its appeal. But then again, it makes you feel good to not see that you're not the only one doing poorly and it would also bring you hope to know that you could get out of losing your car. There is a way out. You can't lose your car. You can win a car.

Unfortunately, all the questions are based on Antoine Dudes and I lost all my cars. Well, you know, this was well before he was in the news. Well, we have a certain number of things that are written down barely that are barely capable of being recognized as sketches Right today. Do we have some words from a listener? But we have some words from a listener. Okay. I'm really sorry about my cough. It's worse than it's ever been It's okay. Thanks for that. I needed to hear that. It's okay. I mean I needed to hear that. That's okay, I mean. I needed to hear that as well. And that I could have done with that. But you know, Andy cannot handle the sound of people eating.

Really? Yeah, I really, and it's a no-polling way to behave from me. And it's typically hypocritical, because obviously the sound of me eating doesn't bother me. And as long as I'm eating, I'm not bothered by other people's mouth sounds, but as soon as I have to do something else where I stop eating or I run out of food, other people's mouth sounds really, really makes me really uncomfortable and a little bit angry.

And he hasn't worked on himself at all. I've done nothing to try and get rid of. You just accepted that this is a thing that I would say I've accepted it. And he'll just work on kitchen benches instead. That's right, I work on kitchen benches. This is a very specific off-pog conversation now. We should never eat together. But I'm one, a slow eater, you will definitely beat me.

That's right, there's going to be so much dead air. And two, a very loud chewer. Really? I mean, Tom. You have such a small mouth. My jaw clicks. Does that annoy you? A clicking jaw? I dare say that would annoy me. That's the only sort of thing that would really grind my gears, Dave.

Whoa, what a cleverness click. What a thing they would really grind my gears Dave Whoa, what a cleverness click Bring that up one third there. Is this thing on yeah, I'm getting that Dave That is but that's not you clashing your teeth together. That is my teeth. Oh, I think everyone can do that Dave. Oh My god But my jaw does click when I've got food in there. I'm gonna make so teeth don't shatter more. Yeah, I know when I bite I real bite I bite quick and hard on all my food. Yeah, I love it.

You eat in that way and you judge others. Yeah, like a dog eating a noodle. Oh, like a, oh they just hate it, they don't just hate it when people... They don't know how to use their lips. I actually sort of suspect maybe dogs don't really have much control over their lips. They just sort of flap around. I think if you sort of gave dogs,

if you gave them sort of bowls of ramen, sort of without the liquid, okay. Yeah. But you just put them slightly at a reach of their mouth. So you kind of have to create a hole that goes up to their shoulders and you have to measure it for each dog. Mm-hmm. And you kind of keep them just under maximum noodles.

Actually, in the extension. Then they would have to start learning to use their lips. You'd have to cut off their tongue so they don't lose their tongue. Because you don't have dogs. They use their tongue as a crutch. Yeah. You're right. That tongue does all, it's been doing them a lot of times. You can just tape it down, it's cruel to tell.

I think it's cruel to tell people a lot of the time when you say something like we had to cut off the dog's tongue, a lot of people don't believe you that you had to, but I'm sure if you explain that situation, LSD, people would be like, no, you're right, I can see why in that scenario you had to cut off the dog's tongue. Yeah, because you're trying to teach them and their species how to use their lips. How to slow? Yeah, how to slow, because they don't... to use their lips. How to slurp. Yeah, how to slurp. Because they don't... Because I think if you can get if you can teach a dog to slurp, then you're not that far from teaching a dog to whistle. Yes. And then, what do dogs can... What dogs come, then they can

communicate, then you could get a dog who could, who could be the master of another dog in a shaped dog trial. And now you really got my attention. You get it. A dog has a manager. It's also a dog. Yeah. And dogs could start maybe have their own money. I think dogs could have their own money.

Anyway. We had some words for us. I think dogs could have their own money. Anyway, we wanted to get there and we did. How to get dogs to earn their own money. Today, I'm sorry about this episode of The Podcast. I'd love to have you on a different time. I've enjoyed myself immensely. We're about to do your part. Do you want to promote it? Oh yeah.

Maybe it'll come, it's been released by the time this comes out. Listen, come out tomorrow. Oh really? Yeah, this is coming out tomorrow. All right, well, sometime in October, the month following this when it comes out, I'm releasing a new pod called Book Cheat, which is a bit of a spin-off for my other podcast, Do Go On,

where basically I read a classic book, or play, or play., basically the stuff that you'd love to be able to say you read, but who's got the time? Almost nobody. Nobody, but I've made the time. You definitely don't. I don't have the time, but I've made the time and I've killing myself to do this show, but I want to.

And then I tell two people all about the book, you know, the plot, the characters, the key themes, about the end of it, both the listener and the two guests can pretend that they've read it. It's a really, really good idea. So you've got to a party with arrogant, awful people, and you can pretend that you've read, you know, Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, that kind of thing. Probably everyone else at the party is all also just listening to the podcast. So basically, I could just make up the plot, and then everyone's telling each other the fake plot to the party. I'm going to, you should slip in a few fake

ones just to see. Yeah. Because that's how you know when you hear people talking about that book at different parties. That's how you know that they're listeners of your pilot. Yeah. I'm like, oh, those are the real stats. Yeah. Yeah. Going to a party and seeing if people are talking about a made up character from hard times. And then you can take that anecdote and go down to Harry's razors and tell them that and they'll know that you've got real listeners. That's how you make it big. That's how you make it big in this industry. We would know as the smallest podcast on the planet broadcasting network. Well, Bookcheek hasn't been released yet. Is it going to be planet broadcasting? Yeah. Oh,

wow. All right. But it already has big adanlos and we do all this. That's great. Okay. These words come from our Patreon, very recent Patreon listener. Support her. Tabitha Post. Tabitha thank you so much for supporting the podcast. Thank you ever so much. I definitely know that name Tabitha. I think she might support to go on.

I think she definitely is a... Or at least a listener. At least a Twitter. Yeah. Tabitha is very possible that We've stolen her from you. I did notice. A Patreon dip lately. Tabitha?

Tabitha? Making choices? Tough choices, right? That on there are tough. They're tough. But you know. But then we get you on our pod. Best of all worlds.

That's right. Exactly. Now you can cancel DoGo on. You can focus directly on Ready book sheep book cheat book cheap it is quite a cheap podcast cheap for To make to make better a taxing of my time. That's right. Which is money. So it's not cheap and the three words are dragon

magic mishap Dragon magic mishap which you can also read as mishap do you think it's mishap it could be mishap dragon magic mishap okay tap tap a tap a tap a weird choice bit bit bit of a weird word that one there. Anyway, can you have that a mis-happening? I think that's a good word isn't it? A mis-happening. There was a mis-happening. The mis-happening, that sounds like the name of a...

Stephen King novel. Oh yeah. Now, sorry, did you have something that you wanted to observe about these words? Because I have a mild observation. This is a thing that I have observed. Is this preponderance, this obsession in fantasy novels and sort of magical literature of that sort of thing, with the importance of people's true names?

Have you seen this? Have you seen this? Have you seen this? I went through a bit of a fantasy phase when I was in high school reading a lot of fantasy novels and stuff. And there was a thing to be a trope about how like, you know, knowing the true name of someone or something would give you power over them in some way. That was one particular series that I read that was all about dragons, where if you knew someone or a dragon's true name, you could have power over it. What's all that about? Well, I guess it's much, I mean, maybe it's a metaphor for identity theft.

Identity theft and how you can, you know, if you have somebody's true name, you could probably track them down on Google. Track them down on Google, maybe get a driver's license on their name, maybe make some credit cards. Or you could like, you know, have pizzas sent to their house and things like that. It's kind of, so like like a dragon, like say, small or something.

Yeah. You could buy a lot of pizzas and have them sent to... To smorg's house. Yeah, whatever that mountain was that he was in. You know the mountain? Mount Smorg. Mount Smorg, yeah, yeah, Mount Goldsmore. It's Smorgland.

It's Smorgland. Yeah, he'd been there for a while. You know how when you see a street name and the families, they've got that street name and they're still living there? Yeah, like, um, brick lane. Brick lane, that's... It's the Johnny Brick. Johnny Brick.

And Johnny Brick. And Johnny Brick's lived there for hundreds of years. You know, we did good examples on this show. Yeah, Main Street. Johnny Main, Tabitha Main. I mean, look, I would have said post, post doesn't seem like a real suicide. I said, would have said post street.

And then we would have all laughed at something. And then post example, that was. And then, and then, oh, silly. But then they see, right here, it's written down in blue ink. It's official. It's official. It's real. All right. When you say something's written it's written here in black and right white Right black and right It's written here in black and white. It's not it's written in black

The white was already there. It's not written in white. I know, but if it was all No senses it written in white. I know, but if it was all black, they would still be written in black. It wouldn't be written. Yeah, you wouldn't see it. No, you'd be able to detect it using something. Yeah, but it's written in black to sci-fi in white. Yeah, desafer it in white. That's really true. It's not. It's that's what gives it meaning. The negative space around it. The absence of ink. Really it's written in white. So we got to the bottom of it. Yeah, no further questions. Well black is there's nothing there. White, unless? Unless there is something there.

Ink. Black ink. Okay. Why are you on? Oh is this a parodol? We're back in the star. Tabitha, is this what you wanted? Okay.

Would you like your $8 bag? We do do refunds by the way. If you're an $8 supporter of the podcast and you're not happy with what we've done with you, what are you doing? Send a stamp, self-addressed on the loan. That's how you get out. Yeah, we're relying on you.

You just got to find out our address though. Yeah, we're not going to tell you that. Yeah, because you have power over someone you have to become if you know the real address What about this? Well start a new level of the Patreon yeah, 12 dollars, okay? If you sign up, we'll tell you our real address Okay, that is dangerous That is very dangerous, but if people want their eight dollars back, they're gonna sign up for twelve dollars get our addresses He keeps saying

Exactly Oh $12. Get our addresses. Exactly. It's like a four. So every month we send them eight dollars, and we move. Okay, but how much is that going to cost us in postal and removalists? Maybe tapeth post can tell us. Okay, what about this? This is like it's a medieval thing, like you were saying. But it really embarrassed about what I just said, by the way. What's that? I said maybe tapeth a post can tell us. This is a post thing. Oh, I am.

I know. I have this had enough of this enduring thing. I know. I know. Oh. I've had all those Matthews jokes. I'm sick of them. Oh.

Okay, why? Matt Hughes. He gets all these Matt Hughes jokes as well. Yeah, but the colors that they're not particularly shiny, you know? What is this? A non-gloss, uh, organ? Oh, and he gets bullied by people who work in sort of commercial printing businesses that he's frequenting.

Oh, that's really going to show marks. Yeah. And you're not going to be able to clean that with a sponge. Yeah. Oh, these are good bullies. Yeah. Yeah. So we got to come up with a dragon magic. I was just coming up, trying to come up with the idea, your idea, if you know his real address. Name. Name. Right. That you have power over him, but his name is his pin number. Hmm. Not the well, I mean, smog, smog, smog. He had a huge pile of gold. So, and, but I mean, they pretty much did.

Wasn't there something with a bird tapping on a rock or something? That is more or less exactly what it's like when you use an ATM machine. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm talking about the book The Hobbit, and indeed the movie The Hobbit. There was a small lived in a mountain. The mountain, let's say, was an ATM, right? There was a bird that tapped on the wall, right? With its beak that opened a secret passageway. Okay. Right? This is more or less exactly typing

in a pin into the console of the ATM machine. So you're saying that banks were inspired by the Hobbit? I'm saying that medieval, but the Hobbit was set in the past, so the banks would have come up with the idea based on that bird. And they were going in there to withdraw the gold. Withdraw it. Make it withdraw, right? So this is all a big ATM metaphor. The Hobbit.

The Hobbit. Okay, so all I know about the Hobbit is that at some point there's a bunch of bearded men and barrels. That's correct. They are dwarves. Okay, and what are they doing in the bank? They're going to make the withdrawal from the... Okay, so the movie is based around a bunch of men and barrels. Yes, it's called an unexpected journey, I think, because it's sort of the subtitle of it. And that's, I guess, the trip to the ATM. Also, like when you go to like a Chinese restaurant and they don't accept it.

They're cash-only. They're cash-only. Or the F-Post Minimum is $45. It's by the outright, John. I'm ridiculous. It's silly. Yes, that's a our range. It's ridiculous. It's silly. Yes, that's a better word. It's absolutely preposterous.

So can we do anything with the Hobbit being an ATM? I don't see why the estate of Tolkien can't bring a lawsuit against the inventors of the ATM because it's great. It pretty much exactly is that. Well, there's too many, you know, one musician, suing another musician for stealing, for stealing, sort of, you know, the state of Marvin Gaye, suing Ed Sheeran, the state of Marvin Gaye, suing, um, the Lured Lions.

But from that, why not, like the guy who wrote the Crow, suing the cure for coming up with... Looking depressed. Looking depressed. Copyright, copyrighted. Copyrighted with depression. Yeah, or, you know, like something else. Look, or, you know, the, suing people who invented ATM machines,

saying that he actually invented it. It's all in there, right? Eric and Marvin Gaye is a slip-ers-flip before Tolkien. Suze. Absolutely. And it all starts with Marvin Gaye's, is he?

Yeah. Oh no, I thought, would you say? All the banks. But Laura Banks, watch out. Yeah. You're one would you say? All the Banks. All the Banks. But Laura Banks, watch out. Yeah. You're one of them, but those Banks, you're one of them. So there you go, Tabitha.

That's your sketch. It's another classic estate call. Concrete case. Two of the think tank sketch. I hope she's a Hobbit fan. Oh, I assume so. Well, your dragons, magic. It's got Hobbit fan. Oh, I assume so. Well, you drag in magic. It's got all of that. Yeah, it does. And then also sort of financial

transactions. Isn't that the best magic of all? Alright, guys, we have. I'm sorry about this. Look, there's going to be a few... We'll get through this together. This is what we're here for. Use planes and high diving. Yeah! Stand by that, 100%. Yeah. Plastic in the cheeks to sort of stop it from going into the ocean and things like that. Yeah, couple bottle caps, eight.

We're saving the world here. Oh, having a garbage room in your house. I also just to go back to the planes and skydiving than the high diving Even if we can't take in planes, I think they should at least introduce into the high diving That thing that those stunt planes have where they shoot a whole lot of like smoke out the back I just like to see that when people dive they've got some sort of things strapped to maybe like their bum So it looks like they're doing a very colorful fart. They're all sort of weaves through the air. Love that.

It's not gonna affect, it's not gonna be any detriment to their abilities at dive. It'll just be a little bit more spectacle. And they're spinning, so it's like doing all sorts of crazy menus. I know it would up, down across. It would help the common man understand a bit more about what they did because I don't really know what they did. You know when they do this? Yeah you can

follow the trail. Yeah you follow the trail, you can look back at the trail and go oh they kind of did a twisty thing and then so fast otherwise. Yeah it's too fast. And so all over. They should have to do it in slow-mo. Yes. And they should do some stuff more stuff where they go up. They should have to put helium in their blood. They keep going up. Well, I mean, imagine how many points you would get for that. Like the 30 meter dive is now a three kilometer dive.

Here's an idea. What if you took a deep breath of helium, more hydrogen before diving, just to give yourself that extra half a centimeter, half a second in the air. I wouldn't be at all surprised. I mean, I wonder if they test for this. They get probably test for helium. They go, agi-goni-os, that, they go, busted. Talking to this instead of P into this.

Yes. But then you could fill your bladder with helium. What are they? Pean to this. And they held a cup above you. And they held a balloon? And then they breathe in. You're unique.

This is the only way to test. Because... And this would bring us back to the circumcised, uncircumcised thing, because I imagine... I imagine the presence of a foreskin would change your ability to engage with a balloon. You're right. You're right. Oh my God. We got the absurdist casino slash bio dome slash survival insurance in some way offensive to people with mental illness. Well, I mean, even they were hypnotized.

We said. So like, so like they, you know, even if so bad, you know, even if it wasn't okay, they didn't know. I mean, if anything, at least we've removed their agency, right? So what about people who are just regular people who consent to being hypnotized to being incensed. Yeah, like when people sign up to be like Jason Bourne. Yeah, he's like an agent that's been trained up. You sort of suppose the gave his consent to become this new weapon. Yeah.

They consent to being a weapon for the casino, which is a lot of work. Yeah, it's a way of madness. Yeah, and sometimes, you know, sometimes you're training improves your skills, but sometimes it lowers your skills. At that point, have I really, I think, gathered exactly why they needed to be insane for this to take to work? Because it's absurd. It's a shame.

Sorry. I've gathered now. Yeah. OK. And then we got the Jhinosore book, just for kids about to teach about different kinds of Jynas. Yeah. Which I think is just a good idea for a book.

Yeah. Everybody. When we got dressed for old success, which is when you dress up as a statue. You stand on a box. You can. Like a one that looks like a stone. Yeah, I guess if you said a big stone box, you can carry with you. Yeah.

But then you also have to put like, you know, if you're really successful, sort of pigeon spikes on you. Do you get like, do you get defaced for like your role in some kind of historical genocide? Depends how successful you are. Yeah. depends how successful you were. Mm. Uh. Then we have the Ruin Dave's life with Antoine

Davidson Game Show. Uh. Yes. Which I think is just part of my new YouTube prank show. And then we have Hobbit is where ATMs come from and the state of JR Tolkien is suing ATM machine manufacturers.

Yep. So the classic, thank you so much Dave Waniki for joining us. Thank you so much for having me. We're about to go into a song and then we're going to go back to the wrap up. And then we'll thank you some more. Yeah. All right. So is this song dedicated to me? Yeah, yes, yes Bitty bad about it. Bitty Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty. Bitty't even have to say that. But you can if you want. Thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast.

A little bit loopy. It was a little bit loopy today. We all worked day's work. We did another podcast before Dave arrived. And. But hey, we had some real good laughs. We had some real good times, David. Thank you so much.

Where can people find you? Thank you. Well, I can check out very soon the new podcast, Book Cheat. Book that cheat. Book Cheat, but if you're at Book Cheat, pardon all the social medias, but currently, if you want to hear it, podcast that already exists,

one of my favorite podcasts. I hope I know what you're going to say. Don't you know who I am? What a great show! Russia, if you'll listen to it. Do go on. Do go on Dave's podcast with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins. And you guys are still doing it? Yes, still doing it. And you guys do reports? Yes, so basically if you haven't had it before, we'll get this over 150 episodes where we take it in turns to report on a topic suggested by a lister

It's very very funny and I've never missed an episode Andy has been on an episode we he talked about Sir Isaac Newton That was your report topic great stuff very funny. Thank you very much And I have another topic and I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna do it sounds good. How you got a topic? I'm gonna come up with this topic. Okay, Matt said that I should do Seinfeld. Oh That'd be great. But I mean, what do people not know about Seinfeld? Well, Matt recently did an episode on Friends

that was one of the report topics. I'm not a big friends fan, but I found it very interesting. There's lots of little tidbits, little, little, little, and being an actual fan of Seinfeld, I'd probably enjoy that report even more. Because I actually care about the show. Okay, well. It was very interesting. Now that Friends episode, I'd probably enjoy that report even more, because I actually care about the show. Okay, well. It was very interesting, now that friend's episode, I recommend it.

I'm going to go back and listen to it. Yeah. Thank you so much Dave, and have you said where you are on like Twitter and stuff? Oh, I'm just at Dave Warnakie, my name, or Hornakie, as Alice says is. Yes. On all the platforms. And you can find us at Two in Tank, I'm at Alistair TV. I'm at Stupid Old Andy.

You can find us on Patreon if you want to chip in. Give us a three bucks, send us three words, or you can get our extra bonus episodes that we do two of per month, and they are being fun. And we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit Planet Broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. Are you working way too hard for way too little?

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