Two In The Think Tank - 15 - "Jelly Hands"

Episode Date: July 29, 2013

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I think it's a foreshadowing of great things to come in this episode. I think it... In my mind, it's beatbox from the type of organism that doesn't have any bones.

Like, you picture, like, if a jellyfish could beatbox. Yeah. Like, that's maybe a box jellyfish. Oh, yeah. Maybe a beatbox jellyfish. A beatbox jellyfish. You're really good at these things.

Maybe that's, yeah. Thank you. Beatbox jellyfish. Yo, yo, yo, yo. But, like, do they have vocal cords? I can just imagine just the cords get like, you know, it's just the throat getting wider and wider. I don't think they do have vocal cords, but I picture that a jellyfish, that structure,

that sort of, what is it? We say it's like a big umbrella, basically. Yeah. Okay. And it can sort of move that outside thing. I mean, that could be used for communication. It doesn't have the brain for it. Yeah.

But say a rapper dies. A rapper dies. Yeah. Yeah. And his body, his soul. His soul. His soul goes into the body of a jellyfish. Yeah.

Okay? He could definitely use the resources at his disposal to carve out some beats. They don't have the brain to make music, but do they have the soul? Yeah, because that's what it comes down to. And that's also a type of fish. A soul? Oh, yeah. And it's also a type of beer.

And it's a part of a shoe. And it's also the type of beer. And it's part of a shoe. And it's also the Mexican word for sun. There you go. Mexican. The Mexican word. Oh, Mexican is such a beautiful language. Oh, my God. What are you speaking there?

Is that Mexican? I never had the gift. I tried to learn Mexican when I was in school But I couldn't pick it up It never clanged to me It never clanged to me Yeah I like the idea that he's not even good at English And that also

That his metaphors are weird So He pictures a language As something that clings to you And also that his metaphors are weird So So that He pictures a language as something that clings to you Yeah, somebody throws it at you And then it just sticks to your clothes like Yeah Like some thistles

No, I never had the gift It never You know I guess I just wasn't adhesive in that way Yeah I guess I just wasn't the kind of surface Yeah Where language can get any purchase.

I am Teflon. Teflon. I am Teflon, and language is an egg. Guys, it's really early in the morning, and I'm having trouble saying words proper. No, I am Teflon, and language is an oil. An oil? Yes. Wow, well, they're never going to stick, because oil doesn't stick to begin with.

Well, but how does it end, Andy? If you cook it enough, because he said to begin with. Anyway, but, you know, if you cook oil enough, doesn't it kind of go hard and sticky and, like, burn to things, like on an engine? Like, you know, if you get it hot enough oil can evaporate too can't it certain types of oil or parts of the oil probably can evaporate i mean yes yeah definitely it can great okay everything i think can become a gas if you heat it up enough i know it'd be shit would be shit? Breathing in oil vapour. Oh, that would be shit.

Get oil all in your lungs. You think smoking's bad. Like an oil spill in the sky. It's like an oil spill in the sky. This would be like the one time the penguins can go, I told you flying was dangerous. Yeah. Look at my shiny coat.

Yeah. But not from oil. Yeah. It's look at my shiny coat. Yeah. But not from oil. Yeah. It's white. It's just this natural shine. Well, it is from oil that is on my feathers naturally, but it's not

from the tanker. All these, all these gulls and majestic eagles and so forth would be getting covered in oil. Yeah.

Coming down. The gulls just have no choice. They have no chance. It's like if there's an oil spill in the water, the gulls are the first one to dive headfirst into it. And if there's an oil vapor spill... There's a spill in the sky.

Gulls again. Gulls. Do you think there's a connection, though, between the fact that if there's an oil spill, everyone has to go and help the animals? Yeah. Right? Everyone. Everyone.

Obviously, I'm excluding myself on our step. Yeah. We don't want to help anybody. We've got podcasts to make. We help the animals in our own way, which is by making humorous podcasts. Everyone has their role to play. Well, that's right. And all the people who are helping the animals are listening to something to pass the time.

Exactly. Because it turns out helping animals is really dull and tedious work. So when they ask us, Daddy, they refer to my children as... The many, many children you're going to have. Future generations of Andy, Matthews. Trombley Birchall. Trombley Birchall.

Daddy, what did you do during the war? I'll say, with pride, son, I made a humorous podcast. And in part, part of that was talking about what I'm going to do during the war. I also predicted that it was going to happen.

I knew this war would come. And then I made it happen. So how come it's become a war now? Anyway, I haven't finished my thought. Okay, sorry. Can I finish my thought? Because it looked like you'd forgotten what your thought was. No.

Okay. No, I have a... I'm not Teflon for thoughts. Teflon. Teflon. Now I have got... No. Like those animals that everyone's always helping during an oil spill, right?

Yeah. They already look helpless, like even before the oil. Like things like penguins. Like you look at that animal and you're like, you see him. I'm definitely going to have to help that animal at some point. Okay, it's like seeing a doddery old lady in a supermarket. You're like, oh, this isn't going to, something's going to go wrong. Yeah.

And like seals, like no arms, no legs, they're just sort of heaving themselves around. Somebody's going to have to help that guy out. They're in desperate need, but I mean, they look helpless. Pelicans. Stupid big beak. But maybe that's how they survive, is by looking helpless. Like, you know, they got dealt an evolutionary hand that was like... You will have no hands.

You'll have no hands or legs. But other creatures will want to help you. That's pretty good. Yeah, that's not a bad thing. So, you know, penguins, they're actually helped by the woolly mammoths. Mammoths. Everything would just take pity on them. Yeah.

Oh, you're so pitiful. Except for seals, which are more pitiful. Yeah. Because they're just, they don't even have tiny legs and wings. But then then like... Stop it. Stop it. Sorry. Just scratching. Scratching my beard.

But like seals, they totally do look helpless, right? But then people invented underwater cameras, okay? And they put them underwater. And then seals started eating those cameras. Well, seals, like, you saw the leopard seal, what it's like underwater. Yeah. And that is not helpless. No.

The leopard seal, not helpless. Helpful? Not even helpful. Somewhere between helpless and helpful. They help themselves to many helpless penguins. So, selfish. Selfish. Very selfish.

Don't you think penguins also look a bit more shellfish? Less, no. Penguins look less helpless underwater as well? A bit. Yeah, actually completely help. Yeah. They look like they're flying. Yeah.

You're right. Oh, jeez're flying. Yeah. You're right. Oh, geez, Andy. This whole thing is like... So tenuous. What was it? Ten minutes? Ten minutes on this idea? It's just wasted.

Just... Clearly just torn apart. Everyone's time. Look at them in their own habitat... Habit... The habitat. It's like nine o'clock in the morning It's so early Andy

It's so early People wouldn't even consider getting up To go to work by this time They wouldn't No It's a Sunday It's 9 o'clock in the morning On a Sunday

Tell people what day it is On the internet The internet is timeless In 2013 Don't tell them what year it is Andy It's July Stop it Stop Don't tell them what location we is, Andy. It's July. Stop it. Ah, stop.

Don't tell them what location we're in. We're in the loft. Yeah. We're on the mezzanine. Okay, but is there a sketch in the idea of somebody

wanting to help animals because they look helpless? Yeah. Because he thinks there's been an oil spill because they all look so helpless and pathetic. The animals, thinks there's been an oil spill because they all look so helpless and pathetic.

The animals, there hasn't been an oil spill. That's just my product. It's just my hair treatment. I'm just having a facial. That's the penguin speaking. Okay. Let's see. Like the helplessness of animals,

like the things that that evolving to look helpless I mean you could do something with a some sort of scientific thing like a Jacques Cousteau kind of report yeah yeah okay you could do a

a thing for Jacques Cousteau kind of thing where, uh, he's just, he's just sort of got a bit of contempt for all the animals. And he's just like, look at this useless. Barely like I could kill that so easily.

What about, yeah, but, but he's, but I'm not gonna cause I'm a good guy. Yeah. But he's watching it. And then there's all these other documentary filmmakers

just sort of herding the penguins and feeding them and things like that, just laying out grain for them and things like that. He's like, what happened to... This is why we have documentary ethics that are like, you don't get involved. No, no, no, no. Okay, this is... He's there

and he's reporting on it, but he's reporting on how the niche of the animal is to look so helpless that wildlife photographers take pity on it and feed it food. Yeah. Like, that's how they've evolved to take advantage of their environment. Yeah, and of course it used to be, you know, wildlife

illustrators. And then before that, cave painters. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's pretty good. Where's my pad? Oh, my God. Alistair.

Here's the pad. All right. And here, you're going to like this. This is a very attractive purple pen. Purple pen. Very attractive. Very attractive. Very attractive purple pen.

We're really painting a picture for the audience today. No, this is a visual treat. A visual treatise. You've got to fill. You've got to fill, Andy. You've got to fill while I write this down. A visual treat for the eyes. Okay, people say the first bite is with the eye.

Okay? Okay, people say the first bite is with the eye, okay? Can we have a guy who goes into a restaurant and starts shoveling spaghetti into his eyes? Would that be funny or horrible? Alistair. Is he saying, ow, my cornea? Yes. Yeah?

Yes, he is. This is very hot. This is too hot to eat. This is really spicy. Oh, oh. And then there's like strands of spaghetti hanging out of his eyes and like the bolognese is pouring down his face. And suffice to say, it's the most horrible thing anybody has ever seen. And Goldilocks went all the way home and...

Okay, what's something else? Okay, so we've got those penguins. We've got those pathetic-looking penguins. Oh, he's a coder. There's a little addendum to that. Addendum, yep. Like a little tag. Yeah.

Also part of their evolution is to be in really vulnerable ecological areas. Yeah. Okay, so that we put them at risk of extinction and we're forced to take them to zoos to breed them. Yeah. They would love that. Yeah.

The most highly evolved creatures evolve to be in very precarious conditions and rely upon humans to... It's like, okay... This is what it's like, Alistair. What is it like, Andy? Do you want to know what it's like? All right. I do now. Yeah, okay.

It's like fruit, okay, which has got, like, you know, delicious outer covering, okay? Yeah. And attractive colours so that people will bite into it. Or animals, birds will bite into it,

swallow the seed and then poop the seed out somewhere else later on. So the plant tree can grow. A taxi service. It's a little taxi service for your fertilised embryos, plants. It's like that. Animals look helpless and fluffy

so that we are tempted to pick them up and take them away to our zoos. Take the pregnant ones. They're the most ripe looking. Full and ripe. Like a juicy tomato. Like a juicy tomato. Which is a fruit.

And take them away to our zoos where they will, what's that word? Flourish? Germinate. Germinate, of course, yeah. And grow. And grow and get all the smelts that they want to eat. Smelts? Smelts, a type of fish.

Oh, it's like little fish that you feed to... Yeah, but I think there was a thing when I was a kid. Smolt. Smolt? Smolts, maybe smolts. Smolts? Schmoltsy? Smolts, but I remember one point in my life, my parents made this for me.

And it was a particular type of fish, and I think it's just lightly battered and and you just get shit loads of little fish and then you just have that for dinner feels like it's scottish thing uh no i think what happened was okay your mother was a very bad cook okay and she made this food right oh my god these God. The little fish. Yeah. Okay? She fed it to you and to your father. Yeah. And your father afterwards says, oh, that's smelt. What does that mean?

That's smelt. Smelt bad because the fish was off. Oh, that's smelt. That's smelt. Oh. And you, being young and naive, you just mentioned it. Oh, smelt. Oh, smelt. Must be a type of fish. just said, oh, smelt. Oh, smelt. Must be a type of fish.

Oh, that must be smelt. No, but I think I remember it being in a plastic bag with the word smelt on it in the sink. Really? Yeah. That's quite a lot of information. Yeah, it's one of my most vivid memories, eating smelts.

Still not 100% sure it's true, but... It's one of my most vivid false memories. Eating smelts. Still not 100% sure it's true. It's one of my most vivid false memories. Some of my happiest false memories are of times at home eating smelt with my mum, who was a terrible cook. I've just remembered. I don't know where that idea came from, but I remember it vividly. And my dad. In case... Alan. In case...

Alan. In case anybody's listening to this... My dad's name is Alan. Andy, stop giving them information. You're worse than Facebook. My mom is not a terrible cook. No. I'm sure she was great.

Not like your mom. What? Yes! Done! Boom! That's the end of the podcast. Goodbye. Yeah, we keep burning each other.

It's the final word. Okay. Public speaking. Yeah. All right. Did you ever do public speaking at school? I mean, getting in front of the class. I actually, I remember being in like year three and some girl, you know, we had to, like, do some kind of presentation.

And some girls got up, and they did, like, a thing, and they put on costumes, and they kind of did characters and stuff like that. Yeah. And I realized that you could do that, like, have fun with those things rather than just get up in front of people and do it. And so I started kind of doing that. And remember getting like that game life yeah and i remember getting like three different hats and then getting in front of people and then kind of going like i'm elister's nana and like that and like and explaining like and there's also a thousand dollar bills and then putting on another hat and going and there's also $1,000 bills. And then putting on another hat and going, and there's also $500 bills. But I also remember that it went for so long.

Oh, God. Where, like, everybody, like, had all the energy drained out of it. But I didn't notice until the end when they asked me to stop. And, like, I just saw, like, everybody kind of just, like, leaning on their hands and just. I think I might have gone for, like, minutes oh my god the teacher no Alistair don't blame yourself that teacher would have been so happy that they didn't have to teach for that 25 or 30 minutes I'm surprised they didn't get you back but imagine no but that's probably how long it went for like like yeah that it was like be like it went through her phase where she was like,

I'm glad I don't have to teach for this period of time too. Like, I'm worried that these kids haven't been taught for a long time. They've probably forgotten most of the stuff that I've taught them in the years up until now. Like, Alistair's just put in, like, all I'm putting into their heads is different denominations of the money that we have.

But I remember that I think that was one of the first times I, I'm putting, like I'm putting this into my narrative now. Yeah, you're building your narrative. I'm building my narrative in my mind. And this is probably one of the first times I remember being creative. I've already given up on my narrative. Yeah? Yeah. Oh no, well look Andy.

I don't remember anything. That's fine Andy. You just remember one thing right and then you go that's in the narrative. That's going in the narrative of how I became who I am today. Don't you care about the truth Alistair? I don't give a shit. Fair enough. Like if I

can't be a good eyewitness account to my own smugging, you know... Smugging? No, not smugging. My own smugging. Smugging would be funny, though. Yeah, to my own smugging.

You call this a wallet? What is that? All right. Vinyl? Wait, so is that a smug mug? Yeah. The smug mugger? A smugger. Smugger. There's a lot of smug mug? Yeah. The smug mugger? A smugger.

Smugger. There's a lot of smuggers out there. Guys, be careful. Don't you have any bigger notes? In some of the poorer areas of Melbourne, it is a risk. There is a high risk of mugging late at night. In the richer suburbs, there is an accompanying high risk, not of mugging late at night. In the richer suburbs, there is an accompanying high risk, not of

mugging, risk of mugging is quite low, but the risk of smugging is very high. And so you get rich people mugging you. Okay, okay. Uh, hey. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Pardon me. You're the person getting smugged. Uh, yes.

Um, is there a wallet in that horrible outfit? What, excuse me? Excuse me? Give me your wallet. Oh. Yeah. Uncivilized chap. Or what? Or what?

What will you do if I don't give you my wallet? I'll buy your family. Okay, okay. Thank you. Oh, you call this a wallet? What is this? Vinyl? That's the line you gave me before. Yeah, you call this a wallet? What is this? Vinyl? That's the line you gave me before.

Yeah, that's great. People are going to appreciate seeing how that turns into the... Yeah. Oh, what are you? You only got coins in here. Only shrapnel. What are you? I'm a busker. You're a busker?

Yeah. What are you doing on these streets? I was just busking down outside the supermarket. I thought we had security in this area just to stop people like you coming through here. This is the most unprofitable investment I've ever made. Investment in my time. I think it's rich people mugging. Something to do with the global financial crisis, maybe, and, like, they're turning to crime.

Well, that was my first thing that I thought of. That's essentially what the bankers did, right? Those goddamn bankers. Yeah. Do we hate the bankers or what? I'm noticing that you're not writing this down yet, though, Alistair. I'm not sure if we've hit it yet. Okay. What do I think? Being mugged by the rich, I think. Okay, I'll write it down. No, look, it's fine. If you don't think it's good enough, I'm going to try and look pathetic and helpless so that you take pity

on me and write it down. Look, I'm writing it. What I'm going to do is I'm going to... How can I make myself look helpless? I don't know. I'm just too independent and self-reliant. I don't think I can look helpless. Andy, you're so naive.

You look helpless. Here we are floundering for ideas. Yeah, no, that's true. We're very much penguins. Hopefully somebody will come and give us an idea. Hopefully inspiration will reach down and drag us out of this oily muck of a conversation. And take us away and feed us and just do our homework for us. There you go.

Was that ever a problem that you had when you were a teacher, that kids' parents were doing their homework for you? There were a few times where I was like, but then some of these kids were very clever. Like, to be honest, if they did it all, I didn't really care. As long as there was someone in the family who was capable of doing the homework, that was fine. You did this, your dad did it. Look, most of the addition is correct.

You guys are going to be all right. Somewhere along the generational line. Could that be a thing? Like where a teacher doing a parent-teacher interview saying, now look, I want to point out, talking to the parents going, I'm pretty sure Aaron isn't doing his own homework.

I have a feeling it's one of you two. But I want to be entirely honest, I don't care. Just the fact that there's anyone in the family that's capable of performing just the simplest of differentiation calculations. Differentiation, I don't think it needs to be that advanced, because differentiation calculations, you don't need that to get by in life. So it would just be addition. Addition. Just be adding up. I think, yeah, your, it would just be addition. Addition. It would just be adding up.

I think, yeah, your line of most of the addition was correct. Three digit numbers. Yeah. Yeah. All right. You know about the thing when you go over 10 and you add the plus one. But in the parent-teacher interview, the teacher starts giving advice to the parent to improve their addition.

You just have to remember that when you're doing this kind of a sum, you need to carry the parent to improve their edition. You just have to remember that when you're doing this kind of a sum, you need to carry the one, Mr. Jenkins. Okay. So I think you guys are going to be all right. You guys are going to be all right. Get that back to me. If you could just fix up the ones

that you've done wrong there, Boris Jenkins, and get those back to me by next week. Just send them in with Jimmy. It's fine. Yeah, no, he can say he did it. That's part of the process. See, we're not educating just a child.

We're educating an entire family. Society. Society. That's right. Because, you know, schools are all about engagement with the community. That's the thing that we talk about. Really? Oh, yes.

Oh. And what else can happen with this parent-teacher thing? I mean, and then can you also say, and look, that volcano that you built? Okay. It's got to be, it's bicarb soda and vinegar. Yeah, not Vegemite and crackers. Okay.

Because that didn't quite erupt. I mean, we had children reaching in. Yeah. You had and crackers. Okay. Because that didn't quite erupt. I mean, we had children reaching in. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It did get a reaction, but not a chemical reaction. Okay. So, that one, you're getting an F, Mr. Jenkins.

And regarding your science fair presentation. No, regarding Tom's performance in personal education, sport. That's what we call sport these days. We've noticed that when you have been coming in and putting on his sports uniform and playing sport for him, you're not as agile as you could be, so you're missing a lot of the catches and the things that require fast twitch muscle fibers and that sort of thing. Is that a real thing? I think it's a thing that I heard a sporty person talking about, fast twitch.

Yeah, but I think it might be a weird name. Fast Twitch Muscle Spiders is what I just said. Muscle Spiders. And, Mr. Jenkins, I just want to say, that monologue. Okay. That performance of King Lear by your son was amazing. And that is, he's getting full marks.

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The way that he embodied an old man who, you know, whatever the story of King Lear is. Congratulations to Tom. Congratulations to you, Mr. Jenkins. Congratulations to your entire family. You really, between you, are more or less equal to one grade five child. So well done. I mean, together. That's the thing. Together. We're our best when we're together. are more or less equal to one grade five child. So well done. I mean, together, that's the thing.

Together. We're our best when we're together. That's more than you could say about a lot of families, and it's also more than you would say to a lot of other families. Oh, that's fun. Isn't that fun? Yeah. We're having fun, guys. We're having so much fun. I'm's fun. Isn't that fun? Yeah. We're having fun, guys.

We're having so much fun. I'm having fun. Guys who want to have fun. Girl, yeah. Guys who want to have fun. You know what I was thinking about yesterday? Yeah. What would be a, like...

Do you think you could just do this? Just make a girl version of the movie American Pie? Um... Because, like, that felt like... that feels like a thing now. In my mind, the fact that that hasn't been done, that it's like, oh, it's five girls that have a pact that they have to lose their virginity at the end of high school.

I think that would be a very short film, Alistair. I think it would be such a short film. Short film? It's such a short film. No, wait, you see, why? Because I'm suggesting that it's easy for women to... But I mean, but there's got to be stuff that goes... But also, there's a section where the mom walks in on the daughter,

like, smashing her vagina against this piece of apple pie. She's like, no, you're doing it all wrong, daughter. Like that. Because it was set in the 1800s. Is her daughter a lesbian? Maybe. Oh, that could be it, too. She's scissoring with an apple pie.

Yeah, she's scissoring. Except the other one doesn't have any scissor legs. Yeah, there's not many foods that you can effectively scissor with. Yeah, there's scissors. Oh, that's horrible, Alistair. Yeah, I know. You're the worst. Yeah, I'm up there.

So we're not going to write down girl version of... But I mean, that's a great bit of imagery. It's a great bit of imagery, and you could totally do that as a parody. Yeah, parody. I'm open for you to do that as a parody yeah parody i'm open for you to do that we'll call it parody pie american parody pie parody american pie the girl version of american pie is what it's going to be called oh good yeah you know and then and then but there'll still be some guys in there but they'll be kind of secondary characters and one of

them will sort of like be quite like comfortable and loose about sex and he's like what you don't you don't like you don't she's like she's like no he's like no this will be the guy oh okay oh so they were guys he's what i'm saying is that he's the secondary character and one of them's really comfortable with sex and he's like oh like you haven't done it's like yeah when i first did it it was like really quick right but over time you haven't done it? I was like, yeah, when I first did it, it was like really quick, right? But over time, you start to enjoy it. The pleasure gets higher than the shame. That's an exciting time for anything, for any activity.

When there's more pleasure in it than there is shame, that's fantastic. That's when a game gets its evolutionary advantage. A game? Yeah. So, like, let's say somebody invents a game, right? Let's say you invent a game. Okay. Okay.

So the game is... Jelly sticks. Yeah. Okay. And what you do is you take a jelly stick. You've got chopsticks. Yeah. Okay.

And you've got a big bowl of jelly. Yeah. Right? And you have to transfer all the jelly out of one bowl into another bowl. That's right. Okay. Thank you. Is that correct?

Yeah. Did I more or less get it right? I mean, I probably left out some of the nuances, but Alistair, I'm sure you would have filled me in if there was anything major that I'd left out of the rules of jelly sticks. To be honest, I zoned out for a little bit of your description. Right. Am I like four four-word description? Yeah.

Okay. So let's say, and then at the beginning of jelly sticks, you're not very good at picking it up. You probably don't even know how to use chopsticks. Oh, so there's a lot of shame. A lot of shame. Yeah. Because you're also doing it in front of people from a culture where they use chopsticks a lot and they're very skilled. Okay, so that's the thing that I left out.

The entire stadium is filled with judgmental Japanese people. Yeah, but it's a stadium, but their heads are all really close. Yeah. Because, you know, like there's no, we don't do this jumbotron thing. Oh, and there's a big, no, there's no big screen? No, no, no. Everybody's, it's like a stadium where everybody's like laying head first. So it looks like a cell or something. And each, they're all like in the membrane.

So there's like a big hemisphere all around you. Sort of, yeah. It is getting complicated. But that's jelly sticks. That's jelly sticks for you. Now, for me, in my mind, it's more like, instead of seats, it's all beds. Okay.

Right? And they're in kind of like a sphere. And the head of the beds, which is where their heads go, right, is no more than about two meters away from you. Yeah, okay. And then it's just like a big sphere of just people from a culture where they use chopsticks just staring at you, not using chopsticks very well. So a lot of shame. A lot of cross-cultural

shame. Which is why this game wouldn't really take off here evolutionarily. Yeah, it's unlikely to arise. Yeah, here. Until everybody here starts using chopsticks and becoming more proficient and then it would slowly proficient and then it would slowly gain traction and then it would become Australia's leading sport, leading spectator

sport. I think the time with that is on a par with the AFL. I think that's great. But the important thing is that you've just got to get it into the schools early because you've got to get people involved. Absolutely. you just got to get it into the schools early because you got to get people involved absolutely so there probably needs to be some sort of a a board responsible with the promote for the promotion of jelly sticks um getting it into schools promoting the health benefits yeah

yeah and uh just like you know making a youtube sort of you know getting on the social medias getting some some youtube videos out there of, like, some of the masters getting to see what you could do and then you also get to see what can happen when you are a master. I feel like this could be the next cup stacking. I don't think I'm ahead of myself when I say this. Cup stacking's big. Cup stacking is big.

But it's not jelly sticks big. See, the really good people wouldn't be carrying it across. I think they'd just be sort of flicking it up. Yes, that's one thing. That would probably be quite satisfying to watch, especially in slow motion. Like, can you imagine watching a slow motion video, like super slow motion of just like blobs of jelly sort of just following a parabolic arc as they go from one bowl to another?

Yeah, jelly is one of the best things to look at in super slow-mo. I imagine it'd be a glass bowl. I imagine there'd also be cameras under the bowl looking up. Yeah, but also what's cool is that you get to see the shots of the chopsticks sort of slicing through the jelly and lifting it up, slicing it, and then shooting it out. It's all a flick of the wrist. Like lifting it up, slicing it, and then shooting it out.

Yeah. It's all a flick of the wrist. Yeah. And you also get to have slow motion shots of the judgmental faces of all the Japanese people. Are you saying that I never said Japanese people? I said that at least three or four times so far. Look, I'm not saying that that's necessarily the culture that is good at using chopsticks. Isn't it? Maybe.

I don't know. Oh. But in the future, other cultures might be better. Well, I mean, I think we'd find out pretty quickly which was the culture that was good at using chopsticks if this was a national sport. Yeah, of course. International sport. I don't know why we can't go to the World Games with this.

This could go all the way to the World Games. I don't think that's a sketch. It's not a sketch at all, guys. I'm really sorry to have wasted your time. We brought you down here. We filled you in. I don't feel sorry. No?

No, I think there's still something interesting. That's more of a mind image. That's something that you can go away next time you're eating jelly. Maybe you'll consider placing a second bowl just there next to you. And if you feel comfortable, which I do, then whip out some chopsticks and just see what you can do. It's not that much jelly in my life at the moment.

No? Yeah. Is it because you're not ready for this jelly? I think it's because at this age, people use it mostly for wrestling. And that takes a huge amount of jelly. People use it mostly for wrestling. And that takes a huge amount of jelly. Someone needs to do a graph of age against uses of jelly.

Yeah. Okay, and it would go like... Eating starts off high. Yeah. Wrestling, very low. Yeah. Then you hit, say you're from about 17 to I don't know like 50 50? 50?

that wrestling just peaks and it just yeah and after 50 and then the column that says for soothing hemorrhoids okay that's really funny we've got to make a sketch out of that okay well i think

it's just that graph it's just a graph yeah but but like if you wanted to make it as a sketch it would be uh someone from the jelly board some jet from a jelly company talking about the different uses of jelly yeah and and why like and now like, maybe there are some gaps there where they need to come up with another use of jelly to fill in those gaps. Okay. So at the moment, jelly is a very versatile product and it can, you know, it can, it has something to offer people at all stages of their lives. Okay. Obviously start off eating, eating drops away, wrestling takes over. Okay. their lives okay obviously start off eating eating drops away wrestling takes over okay

um when they get too old to struggle to wrestle um hemorrhoids soothing hemorrhoids peaks spikes up here in the in the 70s um the problem is then and then once they get into their 80s they lose their teeth it comes up the eating comes back up again uh we've done some great work with the nursing homes to really make sure that we are the go-to, like, low-gum stress, high-sugar food. High sugar, that's the important thing. We saw off a lot of contenders, and so well down to Geoff, who really spearheaded that campaign.

But we really need something here for these two years in sort of the mid-'60s. There's nothing really that we can do with jelly there. Does anyone have any suggestions? What could we do with jelly in the mid-'60s? Could we fill in sort of fake breast implant things, those bags, those implant bags? Yeah, we've tried that,

but the silica people have really got that market sewn up okay so we we want something so we're that can appeal

to both men and women okay um I'm actually really putting you on the spot here okay well how about how about um like a fashion thing

okay yeah no that's interesting like sort of like I'm listening you just put your hands you on the spot here. Okay, well, how about, how about, um, like a fashion thing? Okay, yeah, no, that's interesting. Like, sort of like, I'm listening. You just put your hands in some cubes of jelly. Okay, look, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll give that down to. What do we call jelly hands? It's just jiggle hands, you know, like that. And, okay, it's an anti, it's an anti-molestation technique. You know, people who've had a history of molesting people. I don't know if that's the market that we really want to associate our product with. But it's a good family-friendly kind of thing. But don't you think that there's a risk that children would be attracted to this kind of thing?

What, getting jelly rubbed on them? By jelly gloves? Maybe. Jelly cube gloves, no? But, you know, it's anti-molestation. Yeah, you keep saying that. Anti-molestation. These are anti-molestation cubes.

Jelly cubes. Jiggle cubes. I don't think you can associate anti-molestation and jiggle cubes in the same sentence. I mean, I think the two, I don't think they work together. I'm sorry. No, but, okay, but we've got two years where there's people not using jelly. And what are they doing? Why aren't they using jelly?

Why aren't they using it? Because I think they're probably molesting people. They're just, they're on public transport. They're seeing body parts. They're cupping them. They're, body parts. They're cupping them. Absolutely, I hear what you're saying. Those are hard-fisted, not hard-handed. They're in a part of their life where their hands are really dry.

It's a horrible experience for the person who's getting molested. This is... Okay. I was being molested. It was horrible. His hands were really dry. What was horrible about it? His dry hands.

I mean, it didn't make it any better. Didn't make it any better. I'm just saying if you felt like a cold, jiggly cube of jelly hitting you, you wouldn't be initially offended, right? And it's from that initial

shock that you get a lot of the post-traumatic stress after a serious molestation event on public transport so if we can just get rid of that initial thing as long as their hand doesn't just break through the cube and i mean still it'll at least at least if it does break through the cube at least it'll be moist and we're just at the moment we're just talking about controlling how bad it could be just Just improving the situation for everyone. Okay.

Can you write down the anti-molestation jelly cubes? What is it? Jiggle cubes. My face hurts. Stupid. That's really stupid. Oh, it's the stupidest, Alistair. It's the stupidest.

Yeah. Shame upon you for your stupidity. What blood type are you? I don't know. I've got a blood donor card somewhere that... That told you? That has it written on it, but I can't remember. It's not one of the interesting ones.

No. But here's an interesting thing, all right? So there's all these different blood types. Yeah. All right? Some are more common than others. Yeah. Okay?

I think like O negative or something might be the least common or something like that. Yeah. AB positive? Who knows? AB positive? Who knows? Anyway, the least common one, okay, apparently is the one that like proportionally many, many more people from that blood type donate.

Okay? Yeah. Because they've been told that it's the least common blood type, so they assume that they're somehow special and they need to go in and donate. But the fact is it's the least common blood type, so they assume that they're somehow special and they need to go in and donate. But the fact is, it's the least common blood type. They don't need that much blood of that type. Everyone just try and attach no emotion whatsoever.

Try not to value your blood type at all. Pretend you're not special and then just go in in whatever numbers probability dictates, and it'll be fine. But so... Because there's more people with a more common blood type so yeah you know that that portion of society will take care of itself but um and then that small section but then but then what is it is bad because those people like they're donating so much blood so much blood they're just pouring it down the sink. It's just like it's going bad. Yeah. It's building up. They have to crush it under a... They just have to find other uses for it.

They solidify it into some kind of jelly jiggle cube. Okay. Now, I think you're going against your thing about making molestation less traumatic if the jelly cubes are made from blood. Okay. I was with you, Alistair, and it was good. The plan was good

up until this last development. I think that's when you really lost sight of why you got into the whole jelly cube glove business in the first place. There's blood on me. Oh, but it's from a jelly cube!

So it's blood-flavored jelly? Yeah, it's flavored, like it tastes like blood, yeah. How do you get the taste? Oh, it's made of blood. We make it from blood. Oh, what we do, the way that we get the blood flavor is we get some blood. Yeah. Oh.

Okay, so this is blood on me. Yeah, you got blood on your hands. Jelly blood. Jelly blood. Anti-molestation gel, anyway. Anti-molestation gel, anyway. But wouldn't the other solution be for this blood donation thing to just tell everybody else that they're really special? Why can't we all be special?

I mean, we've got blood. That's good enough. Yeah, we're the chosen people. We're the chosen people who need to donate the blood. You've got the eighth... You've got the median blood group. Okay? The one that's like the middlest amount of common.

Maybe that's how we should... And that's very special. The middle amount is the most common? There's no thing in the English language to allow you to describe something that is the middlest amount of common. Yeah, it's the most common. No. The most common is the most common. This one, like, then there's the least common, right?

And then there's something that's in between. Yeah, okay. Like the scale of commonness. There's no... But then it's not the mean? No, no. No, because the average would be the most common. Is it? Yeah. Why?

Because if you were to organize... Yeah, I see. It depends. I don't think that's necessarily true. The most common is not the average. Oh, no, okay. Well, it depends on what type of thing you use, but like for something like this, I think you would have to... The only one that it makes sense to use

as an average is the mode, and the mode is a version. So there's the mean, median, and mode, and the mode is the one that basically means the most common. You know what? So in this kind of a situation, you would use the modal average. I'm going to go ahead and trust you on that one. Thanks, Alistair.

Yes. But what I'm saying is that there's no word for the most medium amount of... No, no, and that is a true problem that we have had in this society. I don't think Edits ever come up. No one's ever needed to describe that. I know, but Andy, it's like now that we've found a use for oil, suddenly we start seeing oil everywhere. Yeah, there you go.

You know what I mean? On penguins. Yeah, on penguins, under penguins. There you go, beside a penguin. Beside a penguin, like 300 metres from a penguin. In the air, floating around as vapour. Above a penguin. It'd be a fun little scene to have some sort of, it's just like some domestic scenario.

Scenario. Kitchen guy sort of rolling pin, rolling some dough. Yeah, you're perfect. You're reading my mind. A woman comes in carrying a basket of laundry, and the guy's like, no, no, no, I was going to do that. And she goes, oh, okay, well, you've got to listen to your things, your songs that you want.

Two in the think tank. Yeah. And there's someone at the door. What's the time? It's 9.52. I've got to go on a run. Just give me one second. Okay, we're back.

And as I was saying, okay, someone in a domestic situation spills some oil. Yeah. Right? And there are two ways this could go down okay this could turn into a sort of a situation where like some kids toys which may include like a penguin a little seal somehow wind up in the oil and like oh it's a disaster they don't know how to deal with it or uh an alternative is uh an actual like straight away like he spills this oil and straight away there's an actual penguin there. The penguin's getting,

winds up in the oil. He's like, oh, where'd this penguin come from? Yeah, and then all these gulls start flying into the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that, just... Straight in.

Like just landing, right? It's like they're looking for oil. Yeah, and then these, maybe some Greenpeace people come past and they're like, what? What did you do? Yeah. Oh, then they start blaming you. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's good, actually. Okay, I'm going to write that down. Yeah. Domestic oil spill. Spill. Okay, you've already written oil spill. In the home.

Just put brackets domestic, brackets domestic, and then brackets domestos, and then brackets domo arigato, mister roboto. And then in brackets, just put a couple of parentheses, and yeah, that'd be great. Did you say mister roboto? Yeah. Yeah, good. I'm glad. Confirmed. You know, before when you were saying that you were going to go for that run,

I had a little fear but also a little bit of excitement in my stomach. I was like, maybe I'm going to have to come up with an idea on my own without you here. Alistair? Yeah. I've got to go for a run. No, no, no, no, no. I don't think I want to actually do that. Putting down my headphones.

No, but Andy, I don't think I have the ability to... Stepping away. I don't think I have the ability... Who am I going to bounce off of? You need to be like Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump, just played table tennis against the wall. I've had a realization recently that I don't think I believe in myself. Like in my ability

to create things on my own, but particularly just talking and coming up with something funny without anybody there. Even though I do stand-up, which is a solo pursuit. Have you ever tried? No. That's good. Give up.

This is the perfect time to give up. I have tried a little bit, but if I was to do it, I don't think I would do it into something that's being broadcast immediately. Yeah? It wouldn't go out live? I don't think so. Like this podcast does?

Like this podcast, unedited and live. I think we should wrap this up because I really do have to go for a run. Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry. That's cool. I must run. Should I?

To my run. Yeah, okay. Well, we've definitely got one that's a bit weak in here today. Do we? Eh? one that's a bit weak in here today. Do we? Eh? Which one's that? I think there was the, well, I think the being mugged by the rich. Like, I felt like...

I completely disagree. Yeah? I think that's the strongest idea we've ever had. Well, all right. Well. And this is just typical of why you wouldn't be able to do this podcast on your own. It's like I've always said, you can't leave Alistair alone because he doesn't know what's a good idea. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. Okay, well then we've got number one. We've got penguins evolved to be helpless and have wildlife photographers feed them. Yep. And then it says in brackets, and being in horrible places so that they get taken to zoos. Yep. Good. so that they get taken to zoos.

Yeah, good. That's our second penguin-related sketch in about three weeks, I'd say. Yeah? What was our other one? We had one, it was actually a long time ago, before the Lost episodes, about taking a penguin from the Antarctic to the Arctic with a little blindfold on. Oh, yeah. Taking a blindfold on, it just looks around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And whether they'd be able to tell. Oh yeah. Taking a blindfold off and it just looks around. Yeah.

And whether they'd be able to tell. Not really a sketch. Well. More an idea. Was that another Jacques Cousteau? It was.

Yeah. I don't think I can have an idea about penguins without Jacques Cousteau. I don't know if he's ever even seen a penguin Jacques Cousteau.

I've never even seen a Jacques Cousteau thing. I have no idea. I've seen a life aquatic. Yeah. And I don't know if he's ever even seen a penguin Jacques Cousteau. I've never even seen a Jacques Cousteau thing. Me neither. I have no idea. I've seen a life aquatic. Yeah? Yeah. And I don't even remember it. I've seen the life aquatic.

Yeah? Yeah. I don't know what that is. Okay. Like as in you've seen the ocean? Don't worry. Keep going. Oh.

I've got to go for a run. You're putting your serious voice on. Okay. Two is being mugged by the rich. Ah, such a good idea. And brackets smugger. mugged by the rich. Such a good idea.

Smugger. Three, parent-teacher interview where the parents have been doing the homework and all the other work. Yeah. Yeah, schoolwork. But the teacher's happy because at least someone... The family can spell. Is at least... Spelling at a fifth grade level.

A fifth grade level, yeah. can spell. Is at least... Spelling at a fifth grade level. At a fifth grade level, yeah. Four different uses of jelly,

which is graphs regarding age, which we've got eating, wrestling, soothing hemorrhoids, and then they're proposing the anti-molestation

jiggle cubes. Look, can we just refer to them as the AMJC? It's going to take up too much time if we have to say the whole name. Every time we refer to them in this company. These are AMJC approved. And then there's the number five is the oil spill in the home.

Domestic. Brackets domestic. Domestic oil spill. Brackets domestic. Brackets domestos. Domo arregato, Mr. Roboto. Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. We know how to close a podcast. Thanks very much, guys. You've been listening to Two in the Think Tank. Have a great Sunday afternoon, July 28th. I don't know what the date is. I think it's the 27th. Okay, bye. See you later.

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