Two In The Think Tank - 16 - "BITCOIN" - WITH NICK CAPPER

Episode Date: August 2, 2013

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You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. I think that was our best one yet.

Oh, wait. No. Yeah? I think that was our best one yet. I liked all of them. I thought there were words. Eh? Yeah, there was bum and bum.

Okay. Do you want us to go again? What if you start the tune and then I try and sing over the top? Okay. Okay, great. Okay, great. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. the top? Okay. Okay, great. Okay, great. What's up? It's Alistair and Andy.

They are getting ready on the microphones. Coming up with ideas for sketches. Yeah. Don't get head lice. It's bad. You've had head lice, right? Yeah, I did. Yeah, man.

Because I remember reading that on Facebook a couple of years ago. Yeah, I got head lice. It's bad. You've had head lice, right? Yeah, I did. Yeah, man. Because I remember reading that on Facebook a couple of years ago. Yeah, I got head lice last time I was in Melbourne, actually. Yeah? Yeah, for the Melbourne Comedy Festival. That's pretty good. We were all staying in a house. Yeah. Did everyone in the house get head lice?

No. Just me. Yeah, there was a lady who had dreadlocks. Anyway, Madeline Culp was kind enough. She said she saw that I had no pillows, and she gave me some pillows from the lady who had moved out, and then I got head lice. But she hadn't completely moved out.

She'd left a few things behind. Yes, that's true. She hadn't sent man with a van around to come. I don't know whether you should do, it's like a story I tell on stage when I first got head lice because my granddad died and then I got sacked while I was down here for the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Yeah.

So I went to my nana i went i went to get i went to my nana's and i went to get a haircut yeah and they said like i was like oh you know when you get a haircut you're all refreshed and yeah and i went in there and then the lady was like oh yuck like you've got head lice that like kind of did it in an elvis fashion like you've got head lice. That, like, kind of did it in an Elvis fashion. You've got head lice. Yeah, yeah. It's like, you've got head lice. I was like, I don't know if the king would approve of his moves being used to tell someone they've got head lice.

Oh, baby. Yeah. And then what happened was, so the one thing I wanted to do to get refreshed, like, you know, to get a haircut and start my new life, I walked out and I couldn't even do that. And then I got a phone call and it was someone from Optus or something. And they said, hey, Nick, how's your day been? I was like, oh, my grandfather died. I just got sacked.

And then now I just found out I got hair loss. And she's like, oh, would you like an upgrade on your mobile phone plan? You'll save a lot of money. And I'm like, whoa. Nothing like a bit of free data to fill that pool of despair. Did you go with the phone? No, I did not. Oh, well, you know.

But it was good effort. It was probably a catch. Yeah. Was there a catch? Yeah, it was actually if you have head lice. Yeah. Ah, that's the worst. So often the way.

That's the problem with a duopoly. Hey, that head lice story came from Nick Capper, who's joining us today on the podcast. Oh, yeah, he's here on the podcast today. Yeah. Yeah. He's joining us here in the loft, in the mezzanine. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know we had all these names for it. The loft? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Greg Fleet calls this the loft. Really? Yeah. So I've commandeered it. Yeah, but what is a loft?

A loft is just like another level. Yeah, I think it's, yeah. Just a lofty level. Just a, you know. I think it's above ground. Like, I don't think you can have an underground loft. No. Okay.

You couldn't have a sub-loft? No, that's like as a cellar or a bunker. Yeah. Yeah. But what about the bunker loft? I don't know, the loft bunker. The underground loft. The panic loft.

Or an above ground bunker, like one that... The air raid loft. I don't know why you would put a bunker really high up. Sky bunker. Yeah. Sky bunker is a fun one. That's a good idea for a sketch. Like a guy gets...

He gets confused between a bunker and a loft. So... They're like... So he's got something really good... Really something... Something he wants to hide. Yeah. And then something he wants to show someone.

So he's like... He's got a bunch of dead bodies in the loft. And then let's say he's got like a birthday cake in the bunker. In the bunker. Come into the bunker. Yeah, yeah. And he wants to surprise his wife. And he goes, hey, go into the loft.

And then he gets it mixed around. And really, instead of seeing a birthday cake, he sees a bunch of dead bodies. Does she try to correct him? Because the dead bodies are always under the floorboards of a house, aren't they? Or in the basement. They're never in the loft. Nobody's climbing up a tree to just sort of...

And I guess that makes sense. You don't want to be carrying a body up stairs, up a rope ladder. That can't be done. Rope ladders are hard enough. And then, like, she's annoyed because not only did she find out her husband's a murderer, but he's a terrible one as well. Like, he's like...

You always do this. Yeah. There was, like, there was blood dripping from the ceiling, and a birthday cake? Like... Blood would only travel

downwards, and fire will only move upwards. Okay, think about this like a fridge. Do you store your raw meats above or below the fresh vegetables? You store it below the fresh vegetables. Actually, you don't. The fresh vegetables are always at the bottom. But they're in a completely closed off area

The crisper You shouldn't put meat on top of your lettuce You shouldn't rest your meat on your lettuce That's the lesson that she's going to teach him She says, you don't put your dead bodies in the loft Because you don't rest your meat on your lettuce Okay, so is this a little He's got his loft above his

herbarium. Herbivorium? Herbivorium would be where she keeps her... Herbivores. Herbivores. Her... Palliantosaurus? Yep. I was trying to think of one. Maybe that's why her plants keep growing really good. She's like, keeps winning these

um, like fruit and vegetable competitions. The plants that she grows in the basement. The only guy who's had plants like that has been Ivan Milat. She's the best vegetable grower since... We've had the past guys. We've had Ted Demme. He grew a great pumpkin.

That's how they find out. I wonder what the code is. That's how they track him down. They realize that he's been killing all those people because he's been accidentally putting stuff in the loft. The bodies have been dripping onto the plants. He's had the best aubergines that people have seen since Ivan Malak. And they go, this is strange.

Nobody's won this many blue ribbons on aubergines since Ivan. Yeah, or the chick out of Monster. The one, the prostitute that's killing the blokes. Oh, was the chick out of Monster. The one, the prostitute that's killing the blokes. Oh, was she... Putting them in the roof? Yeah. No, no, no.

No, but no, I just haven't seen the movie. I think she was just careless. She was just killing people and just throwing them out. I don't think she even buried them. I think she just was on a mountain killing spree.

Just littering. Yeah. Because, yeah, if you kill somebody, you want to sort of like... You want people to not know for as long as possible. Yeah, yeah. So you kill somebody, you want to sort of like, you want people to not know for as long as possible. Yeah, yeah. So you've got as much time to get away and sort of rearrange your life, get some alibis.

That does seem like, in law, in like a prosecution, there does seem to be a lot of weight placed on like whether or not they can find the body. And it's a lot harder to convict people if you can find the body. If you can't find the body. And it's not like, even independent of the evidence that might be on the body, just being able to find a body, having a body

makes it a lot easier to convict somebody. So there is this little game of hide and seek that goes on beforehand, which is in some ways quite fun. Is it... What's his name? Who's the...

Ted Bundy? He had like 30 kills not accounted for. Yeah. Or something like that. Wow. Yeah. Hide-and-seek champion of the world. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, if you could play hide and go seek but where you have to hide other people yeah it's hide and go seek by proxy yeah and like isn't isn't a head like 20 kilos but not 20 kilos like it's like a third of your body weight like yeah so like it flops everywhere it's really awkward to carry yeah it wouldn't be it wouldn't be easy to carry bodies. We're talking a lot of dead weight. It's like what a kid does when he doesn't want to cooperate with his parents. He lets himself just go all floppy so that he can pick it up.

Well, that's what dead people are doing constantly. And they don't stop. There's no rest period. But I guess that is why you march the person into the forest at gunpoint. You get them to dig their own hole, and then you get them to climb down into the hole, and then you kill them.

Yeah, I think maybe that's why you've got to not cooperate. That's somebody who's really thought through everything. What if you could... Yeah, what if you were a... You tried to just screw it.'re like well i'm gonna die anyway i might as well just be a huge pain in the ass so you put your fingerprints everywhere like um you know and yeah yeah you'd be a real like you you pull out yeah yeah like yeah yeah scream as loud as you can um yeah yeah yeah pulling out hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Biting your lip, making yourself bleed or whatever.

This is why kids would be the worst people to kidnap. Yeah. Because kids are doing that anyway. Kids are the worst to kidnap. Yeah. Well, but I mean, you just don't want to do any kind of cooperating. It feels like if you're walking yourself, like, he's not walking you into the woods because he's set up this really cool tea party.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. and he's like no and in the end i wasn't gonna kill you i was just gonna walk into the woods and make you dig a grave for this dog that i was really sad that i lost something like that um oh it's gone god damn it also what if also that she goes oh you, you lit the birthday cake, you know, but he said, oh, I couldn't light it because there was no air in the loft. And she goes, no, it's a bunker. It's a bunker. You've got to open the air seal.

Yeah, yeah. The airlock. Is that a little story? Is it like a little instructional video about, you know, storage of meats and... Or dead bodies. Or dead bodies. And lighting a bird... Like, how to surprise your wife.

Because, because, alright. The good way and the bad way. You've already killed this person, okay? It would be a double tragedy if some of the meat juices leaked down onto some fresh vegetables and then somebody got sick. Obviously, they want to prevent crime and then obviously they want to catch and prosecute the people responsible. But also, I'm sure they've got a responsibility to try and minimise the collateral damage, which comes from incorrect storage of corpses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know?

When will this madness end? Is it like heroin in the fact that they have shooting up booze now? Yeah. Safe injecting rooms. Because they know it's happening. Yeah. And then they want to minimise the death. So maybe they could, the police are like, well, people are still going to murder people.

Yeah. Like, just don't do it around plants and yeah yeah not in front of people because that freaks people out when you do that you know sort of violence boobs this is like okay make it obvious for us yeah yeah so this is the yeah well we're busy and like it would help us a lot yeah yeah i think you could do it for all sorts of crimes but like like, yeah, murder... This is harm minimization murder advice. So, like, we accept that murders

are going to happen. We just want to try and minimize the... Yeah. How many, like, how many lives it affects, okay? It's horrible for the children to have to witness it?

Like, what about... I mean, suicide booze is pretty awful, but... Yeah. But, like, you know, the poor elderly neighbors that have to witness it? I mean, suicide booze is pretty awful. But the poor elderly neighbours that have to smell the forms. We may as well just get rid of it straight away,

start processing the body properly. What if we did an amnesty? So the police say, okay, there are a certain number... Any crimes committed between 1970 and 1995, we're now no longer going to prosecute you for those. We just want to ensure that the bodies are cleaned up correctly. So we're now announcing an amnesty.

You can call in. You can leave the bodies out on the nature street. We'll clean those up. No questions asked. It's just a public health issue. Rubbish. You leave the bodies out on the nature street and we'll come and we'll clean those up. No questions asked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay? It's just a public health issue. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like, we don't care. You know, look, just hand in a whole family if you have to. Yeah. Well, there'd be a discount. Or there'd be like... It's easier for us if they can be... We don't want to have to have multiple call-outs. They can actually do that because there's like, you know, like an anonymous own-up.

And it's like, look, we just want the families to have some closure. Yeah. It's getting a bit serious now. No, Louis C.K. had that bit where he's like, you know, we hate pedophiles, right? Yeah. And that's why, and because we hate them so much, then they often, they'll kidnap kids and then once they do whatever they want with them, they'll just murder them because, you know, because they're like, they'll get in so much trouble.

It's like, but if we hated them less and maybe just like, just like, maybe we could just get them to call us up and just go, hey, yeah, I fucked your kid. You know, where do you want me to drop you off? He's like, at least then we would get the kids back. He's like, now that I have this information, I don't know what to do with it. I think he has a really interesting, legitimate point. We're just being stupid. Because there's no genuine problem from uh you know poor storage of corpses but

anyway well it's funny i love i love like now due to like armchair enthusiasts like um i remember i i saw when that when that pedophile was let out of jack like when they were putting him in their housing community or something, and there was all those protesters, and none of those protesters, just from looking at them, I would go, none of them would be my friends. Like, none of them look like activists at all. Like, they're all just clearly, well, I'm going to pigeonhole here. That's cool.

I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it. Say it. They're all just clearly people that were like, I feel guilty about having an iPhone. I feel guilty about all this stuff. How can I, you know, but I'm not going to go out on a Greenpeace boat. There's no way. That's way out of my comfort zone.

What's in my comfort zone is getting a sign and yelling at a pedophile because that's going to ease my corporate guilt. Yeah, yeah. Who can I be absolutely 100% positive that I'm on the right side of this issue? yelling at a pedophile because that's going to ease my corporate guilt yeah yeah who's who can i be absolutely 100 positive that i'm on the right side of this issue yeah yeah yeah yeah that is that's the safe protesting thing yeah because like you know with like let's say if you're anti-whaling and things like that you're like you know you might you might get on the wrong side of people who are you know really into capitalism and you're like why shouldn't they be allowed to you know

hunt whales and sell the meat and all that kind of stuff? And yeah, but that one is true. It's a very black and white issue. There's two sides to every issue. But on this one, I mean... Well, we met a woman... I was on the train, and I met a woman who...

She's like, oh, yeah, yeah. She showed us a photo and she was in the Herald Sun holding a sign like, Rot in Hell or something like that about the guy who killed somebody here. And she was like, oh, she just went down with a blank sign to the courthouse. She's like, yeah, just went down there

and then i saw oh he's coming out the back so i just wrote up something real quick right and she's like i stood there and then all the all the photographers came and saw me and they're like taking photos of me and they're interviewing me on the radio and stuff like that she's like oh it's just yeah it's really interesting i'm just really interested in this stuff that's the worst she's just like an just an impro protester an impro tester she's just like give me a give me an issue give me any issue uh okay give me an issue all right okay give me a give me a location okay great um and i'll just come up with a sign that's appropriate to that

just improvise a sign i remember i went out with this girl and she was like full um a protester but you know she was she lived in a house with a bunch of other protesting um kind of peeps like one of the one of sydney's you know hype like i guess if you look at it in the comedy scene this lady was like a headliner of the protesting yeah she's top tier and she was like uh amazing because she's like yeah she's still in the protest but it was a different level she's like yeah i'm studying you know i'm studying to get these people on the inside you know i mean like i'm i work in this stuff like this is my work like so like she's trying to get like like

protesters on the inside on the other side like well she's not you know like there's one thing going to a place and hold up a sign yeah and there's also the other thing of like okay um you know time to get the inner crux of what's going on here yeah and it was awesome because those people are the real like the the guys who hold up the signs at the at the pedophile meetings or whatever yeah and then you've got people are just like i haven't got time for that i. I'm kind of trying to track these guys down and get them at the crux, you know what I mean? Like a policeman or whatever who might deal with pedophiles every day will go, oh, the last thing I want to be is at a protest. You know what I mean?

Because he's doing the big work. You know how you've got the, it's like, you know when you've got a friend that works at a job and they're just like, I love my job. Yeah, I love going there. And they talk about their job all the time and you meet people from their work and they're like oh he's the worst worker he's just full of bullshit you know what i mean and then you've got the guys just like oh i just rock up and like i do my thing it's okay like it's not that bad and he's like they're like yeah that guy's a genius yeah yeah it's like that yeah yeah and and and so she's like that. Yeah, yeah. And so she's, like, doing, like, kind of the upper-level protesting stuff

where, like, you know, you're trying to infiltrate somebody into the logging company who can bring it down from the inside and pass on information, that kind of stuff. That's barely even protesting, though, is it? Like, because protesting is, to me, that just seems like someone who says, I disagree. And, like, they might say it at any particular volume or in any particular style. But if you're actually going in and getting involved in a company, going to meetings, voting on things, then you're not protesting anymore.

You're just doing something. It's acting. Activism, yeah. Activism, yeah. Activism. And that's why I just hate like armchair activism like i just like facebook is the worst for it like it is the worst say yes or no to this do you support it yes do you not i mean this other comic we were trying to come up with things like

you know people have inspirational quotes and then a photo we're's saying, like, have a picture of a burning house and then, like, a quote from Hulk Hogan. Like, from the moment I saw it, I knew I wanted to be a wrestler. And it's got, like, a charred corpse and, like, you know, something like that. It's still inspiring in a way. Or, like, a quote from Tommy Lee. You know, they're like, I got a Jägermeister machine installed in my house, like, in brackets a Jägermeister machine installed in my house.

Like in brackets and running, writing. And then it's got a picture of like a dead clown or something. Or just like a piece of like road with like, I don't know, like a dead snail or something like that. It's Charlie Chaplin saying, I'll have a latte. But I mean, those inspirational posters, like it's always a soaring eagle or a courageous kitten or a beautiful sunset or something. Anyone can draw inspiration from that. I mean, it should be something grim, like a squished snail.

And then like, okay, how can we make this inspiring? Yeah, yeah. If you really want to inspire people, challenge them. Well, that's for the open mic and people who need, like, you know, the open mic inspirers. That's your soaring eagles. That's your, you know,

your beautiful beaches. Yeah, it's a bit hack, isn't it? Yeah, it's very hacky. But people who are, like, you know, like, who go upper tiers and things like that, they're really kind of pushing themselves.

Yeah, yeah. You know, they're getting a manky bird, you know, a manky bird that's fat, one leg missing and things like that.'re really kind of pushing themselves yeah you know they're getting a manky bird you know manky bird that's fat one one leg missing and things like that find inspiration there you know stand at the back of the pack and maybe someone will take pity on you yeah that's yeah yeah and then you've got your classics like like your um what is it your uh like let's say not your bill hicks but maybe but maybe your Bill Cosby of quotes like that one where it's got the frog getting eaten by the pelican and he's choking it. Yeah. Choking it and it goes, never give up.

Like, that's like the classic. That used to come through on the fax machine all the time. I don't think I've ever seen that. Oh, you haven't? Wait, there's a frog. Is it a cartoon or is it a cartoon? It's a cartoon, yeah. It's like choking this pelican while it's eating it. Obviously, its head's in its mouth, and its arms are choking.

It's got never give up. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, and it's pretty awesome. I used to see it in every workplace I basically worked at in the 90s, when fax machines were still quite prevalent. No, that was a good day for inspiration. Yeah, yeah. Cartoons and quotes and things like that.

And then there was the kitten one, the photo of the cat, that was also Never Give Up. And it was like the cat hanging out of the tree. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Holding on to the clothesline or something like that, hanging their kitty. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can there be some sort of scenario where like, where somebody actually is like in a really precarious situation and they're considering giving up and they see a poster or a thing on Facebook or something and it inspires them? Could that be a sketch? from a thing above a building and the fire brigade can't get there yet, but there is someone with a poster of a kitten hanging off a thing that says, hang in there, kitty, and they're just holding it up. It's like, come on. Well, what if...

Yeah, he's like a protester. Yeah. Like an activist for never giving up. Yeah. Yeah, well, could he keep trying? Like, it's like, this didn't work. You know, he's like, let's say the guy's standing on a ledge, right?

What if he's a superhero, but he's just just really his superhero power is that he's just really good at inspiring people but he has to cut like let's say he's standing there and the guy's looking and he's kind of like going yeah he brings out another one it's like and he has to get like more and more complicated yeah he has to find this guy's flavor what's on his what's his palette tuned into yeah you know and he keeps going then he goes to then he goes to the squashed frog or whatever. I don't know. It has to get more complicated. No, it's not really for me.

It's too surreal. Yeah, he's going through. What if he's in a situation where it does opposite? So there's a guy in a situation where he's hanging off a ledge or something, whatever, I don't know. He's stuck in a car on a cliff and he checks his Facebook. Yeah. And they all say, like, never give up.

You're an inspiration, all that. And then he just, on purpose, drives his car on a cliff. Because he's realised he just doesn't want to be around this shit anymore. Yeah, I think that's really funny. I think that's two there. Because I think it's down to less being convinced. Yeah. Possibly by an inspiring superhero.

And maybe like an old lady or something with the poster. Just keeps it rolled up. She's like, yeah! Yes! Bust it out. She could have like a small one, like in a holster on her belt, that she can whip out. It's like a playing card size.

She's just... And there's a little kitten there. Great stuff. Or he actually looks at the sunset and somebody's skywriting across below the sunset. Achievement is 99% perspiration. And he's like, all right, I will hold on for a bit longer.

But then, I don't know, he gets knocked off by a breeze. No, the plane hits him. The plane. He's skywriting. Yeah, or he gets a paper cut on the poster. And then he bleeds to death. No, I don't know if that's a thing. Wait, forget it.

What if the lady on the poster is just like, because the guy's hanging off the ledge, and then the policeman's like, he's like trying to talk him off it, like, don't give up and all this. And then the policeman kind of puts the thing down and goes, oh, it's useless. I'm going to quit this job.

And then the lady shows him the poster. Yeah. And goes, never give up. Telling this guy not to give up. Yeah. And he goes, okay, yeah. And he gets back in the room and he goes, hey, don't give up telling this guy not to give up yeah he goes okay yeah and he gets back in the room he goes hey don't give up it's gonna be okay and then and then then the guy on the ledge sees the poster and he's like whoa okay just inspired us all okay no so so the lady who was inspiring the guy to hold on to the thing starts inspiring the policeman to tell the guy never give up. She inspires the policeman.

The policeman, by the time she's finished, the policeman's so excited to go help this guy. And he turns around and the guy's already fallen off the thing. Yeah. But he's still so inspired. And then the lady's still hailed as a hero because she had inspired the policeman. Yeah, yeah. She's like, well, look, he jumped off the ledge, but he didn't give up. Yeah.

That's all that matters. This policeman never gave up trying to stop the guy from giving up. Then he's at the funeral of the guy's family. And they're like, they're just all there. And he goes, look, I don't care how much you cry. I didn't give up. You know, he's trying to compensate. No, I think maybe at the funeral something happens.

Someone gets really sad and the lady's there again to inspire them. Never give up. Like, it's got the funeral guy and he's burying him and the straps, like, snapping as he's going down. And he's got the whole weight of the coffin. Never let go. He's like, never let go. And then he's like, oh, of the coffin. Never let go. He's like, never let go.

And then he's like, he said, oh, wow, that's a cute cat. And he let go, as the handle just goes, and the coffin plummets to the bottom, like, just breaks open. So this guy, he's fallen off the top of a building. His coffin is then dropped into a hole.

And then they just all turn to the lady and just beat the shit out of her. And they're like, don't beat the crap out of the lady. And then there's another lady like, don't give up. Don't give up beating the crap out of the lady. That's horrible.

Okay, no, you're right. They're beating the crap out of the lady. And then they're like, oh, hang on, maybe we're doing the wrong thing. Maybe we shouldn't're beating the crap out of the lady. And then they're like, oh, hang on. Maybe we're doing the wrong thing. Maybe we shouldn't be beating the crap out of this lady. And then they turn around to stop doing it. And they see her muddied poster lying on the ground that says, never give up.

And they're like, yeah, they should have. Yeah, no, let's keep going. Wait, so maybe they just do that as soon as like he inspires she inspires the cop the cop is this still the one we're talking about right she inspires the cop the cop

is finally inspired so he goes to inspire the guy to not jump off but he's already jumped off so he looks at her and he starts beating on her

and he goes what am I doing am I doing the wrong thing and he sees her yeah no that's good it's a lot simpler or if he

what if the bloke the reason he kills himself because he sees Yeah, no, that's good. It's a lot simpler. We don't have to go to the funeral. What if the bloke, the reason he kills himself, because he sees he's just about not to kill himself, and then she goes, never give up. And he goes, yeah, I came here to kill myself. Like, I'm not going to give up on killing myself. Like, that's not following through. Never give up on your suicide.

He's like, yeah, no, no, I'm not going to believe this cop. Like, I'm not a quitter. I'm not going to give up. I'm jumping through this. Or he's trying to kill himself, but something's in the way. Like, the hose is too short. There's a really tall barrier that he has to climb over. Yeah, it's just like, oh, it's too much work.

It's just like, oh, it's too much work. It's just like never. It's winter and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No.

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by region. See app for details. Give up. He starts off in the bottom level of the building. And the elevator is out of... Yeah yeah and he has to go up the stairs right and like and he's and he it's really tough going up the stairs to get to the top of the building to throw himself off but then he looks through the window of an office and they've got like an inspirational poster in the lobby and he's like yeah and he keeps going up yeah this is good and then he keeps going up and then he's like

he's like no maybe i can't do it and he keeps getting motivated all right yeah he sees another poster he goes up and then he gets to the he's like i'm not sure and then somebody goes hey you know it's like live your live each day like it's your last you're like you're right and then he climbs up the barrier and then he jumps off and he comes off never give up we've actually got five but i feel like we should keep going. Yeah, well, I mean, they're very much of a kind, aren't they? The last three are all inspiring people to suicide.

What did I say yesterday? Suicide always follows me. Yeah, it does. You've got a scent on you. Just don't let it catch up with you, you know. Come on, man. Just keep running. Yeah. You know what? But you're fast. There's actually not a bad bit in that, is there? Like, yeah. Come on, man. Just keep running. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? But you're fast. There's actually not a bad bit in that,

is there? Like, you could do it as a sketch, but you could also do it as like, I tried to kill myself, and then this lad, he showed me a post saying, never give up,

so. No, no, my brother, wanted to kill himself. It's a lot more tragic. My brother wanted to kill himself, so I took him a poster, and said, never give up.

I sent him a Facebook thing and... Yeah, he was a good brother. Anyway, he must have really taken it to heart because he followed through. I should have been more specific. Yeah. Let's give up on... Yeah. We always had a communication error.

Guys, when you're being inspiring, don't also be ambiguous. Ambiguity is never good. We had a similar thing, didn't we? A couple of podcasts ago where we did have a guy on the edge of a building who was calling out, I'm going to do it. And the people down below were like, you're going to do what? Are you going to jump over the ledge to your death? Are you going to step backwards to safety?

We don't know. What are you going to do? Be more specific. And then I thought maybe one of the things that he could say while he was up there was nobody understands me. And then everyone could shout out, damn right we don't understand you. It's because you're so ambiguous. It's because you keep making vague statements

that could go either way. This guy on the ledge, he could be a running character. He's going to be the guy on the ledge character. Steve Coogan could play him. He's just a guy always trying to kill himself, and something always gets in the way. He's always just defeated by life,

not defeated by his attempts. It's like a a black comedy but it's good in a way because he never dies yeah if anything it gives him purpose yeah it gives his life focus always yeah finding something's like every day he gets up and he's gonna he's gonna do it you know today i'm gonna achieve it i'm gonna i'm gonna kill myself what if he um he jumps off and then something stops him on the way like he goes he jumps off and then there's a trampoline at the bottom and they're like oh remember your brother the success he made a trampoline like you know i mean like it runs salt into the wound he goes how's that you're saved by your brother's success once again no i didn't want to

kill myself this way. Your brother came up with that idea to install moats around every building, really deep water around every building. Well, that's actually what you landed and saved yourself with. Your brother's a great guy. Your brother's such a great guy.

He's such a great guy. I mean, I know he's with your wife now and stuff, but, you know, like, I mean, he got Nobel Peace Prize. And he taught all your kids how to swim. I don't know why that's relevant, but. That was going to be your job. He bought all the shares in your company. Yeah.

It's going to be okay. Your company's going to be all right. Your brother's rescued it from ruin. And now you're living in his dog's kennel. Like, that's a bit tough, but, you know. But it's a really nice kennel because he's a successful guy. It's got a loft. It's got a bunker.

He goes to kill himself, and then he realizes it's, like, mid-air. He realizes it's not the right way. You know, so he kind of clambers to a window or something like that. You know what I mean? Like he's like, no, no, I don't want to do it this way. You know, there wasn't enough people crying when he jumped. There wasn't enough people screaming. Or he realizes that he can fly.

Well, he's fallen. He realizes humans have the ability to fly. It's just not enough people have tried to kill themselves. I think there's something like a hang glider or something. Someone's hang gliding. Someone's hang gliding by. And he just lands on the top of the hang glider. God damn it.

And then he jumps again. And then he lands on a window cleaner's thing. And then he jumps again. And then he's down lands on a window cleaner's thing and then he jumps again and then and then he's down at the bottom of the building he's gotta go up the stairs again

ah this so this could be the guy who sees the the posters all the way up yeah and then

he keeps encountering obstacles on the way down like what if he um he jumps and then there's cause he finally jumps and everyone there's, because he finally jumps and everyone's just like, it's got like a running bunch of characters

that are in each, so just like are always there when he's trying to kill himself. And then when he jumps off, they kind of like go, oh. And then he's like in the air going, and then he kind of stops, like grabs it and he goes, whoa, wait a second. Like you're meant to be shocked. Like I'm killing myself. Like what's the deal? And they're like, oh it and goes, whoa, wait a second, like, you're meant to be shocked, like, I'm killing myself. What's the deal? And they're like, oh, no, you're finally doing it, and we're kind of relieved

to tell you the truth. And he's like, you shouldn't be relieved. You do this every week, and it never works out. I mean, obviously, we're sad, but, I mean... And to be honest, now we're sad because you've interrupted it once again. Like, you haven't followed through once again.

I mean, just the everything is difficult character would be great. Like, just everything. It's just like, he goes to get a bowl for cereal, and just all the bowls are so dirty, and they're just encrusted, and he has to, like, wash it. And they're, like, porridge encrusted on them. He has to wash it, and he goes to pour himself cereal, and it's just like, there's no cereal. It's just the powder at the end. It's just like, you know, they've got porridge encrusted on them. He goes to wash them, and he goes to pour himself cereal, and it's just like, there's no cereal.

It's just the powder at the end. It's just like, everything is fucking difficult. Then he goes to open up another one, and he opens up the bag of cereal and just fucking explodes everywhere. This guy's life does sound pretty awful. Yeah, but he just can't get ahead. But also, he's constantly being inspired. Yeah.

So, like, he's eating this crappy cereal. Like, he's halfway through this bowl of cereal that he's eating with water and it's horrible. He's hating it.

And he sees a poster on the wall that's inspiring. He's like, yeah! Yeah. I will finish this bowl of cereal.

And then he, like, he goes, yeah! He puts the bowl of cereal down. He starts walking and trips over. He breaks all his

front teeth on the ground. Right? But then he looks up and he sees a newspaper that says, like, he puts the bowl of cereal down. He starts walking. He trips over. He breaks all his front teeth on the ground. But then he looks up and he sees a newspaper that says, boy overcomes adversity. He goes, yeah. And he eats cereal because he ate the bad cereal. He's on the toilet. You know what I mean? He's just looking at the back door of the toilet.

And it's got, you know, it's got there, like, never give up. And he's like, yeah, okay, that's fine. I've made a mistake. I ate the crap cereal, but I can get through this, you know? Yeah, it's Mr. Can't Catch a Break. But, yeah, there's something about that constant cycle of

awful things happening and then just instantly some sort of inspirational thing happening just to keep him going Yeah, keep him going Yeah, yeah It's like the fuel that he burns Is inspiration Look, I'm just going to write this down

I think it's just a character idea maybe But it's man of constant struggle Oh, good Sorrow? Man of constant sorrow? No, struggle And Oh, wait Quickly Followed Sorrow? Man of constant sorrow? No, struggle and...

Oh wait, quickly followed... By inspiration. By inspiration. It's like Man of Constant Sorrow and Tenacity. There you go. Here's an interesting part of... I'm changing the subject almost from this guy. I think we should do it.

Okay, good. This is a bit of a meta-narrative of our podcast, I've noticed, Alistair. In at least two episodes, the one with Jack Drewson and the one we did on the weekend, we have things where there's a board representing some sort of thing trying to get it out there to a broader audience so with jack juice we had scream australia which was like a company trying to get screams used more broadly than just expressing terror and then we had uh something with jelly the jelly corporation just trying to work out other things that people could use jelly for.

Yeah. And I think that's a fun, like, I reckon it's the same group of people every time that you come back to, but I think it's a fun recurring sketch that they're, like, trying to, right, we need to come up with a campaign to get people using blah. Okay, using, okay, dust. People are always wasting dust, okay? What do they do? They pick it up and they just shake it into the bin.

Alright? What could we be doing with those skin cells? Alright. DNA. DNA. What if like dust is like seasoning? Because beavers eat wood. Exactly.

It's seasoning for beavers? Like it's wood seasoning? It's like the rosemary on the roast chicken? No, it's like the protein powder for beavers. You can mix that with a bit of water, put that in a little up-and-go container. They can slurp on that and work. A beaver

slurping on an up-and-go or making a protein mix that is just sawdust and water is quite a funny thing. You're getting old, right? You're a beaver. You're getting old. Also, you're a beaver. You're getting old. Also, you're a beaver. Chewing on those knocking down trees isn't as easy as it used

to be. What are you knocking down now? Twigs? Pretty embarrassing, huh? Well, getting up in the morning doesn't have to be difficult. You don't have to wait for it to rain so that the wood goes soggy so that you can just gum at it with

your empty mouth. You know that expression, busy as a beaver? Is that an expression? I think it is, right? Yeah, busy as a beaver. Busy as a beaver. Well, you know, you're so busy, you don't have time to chew twigs in the morning. What if wood's lost its flavor for beavers?

Has wood lost its flavor for beavers? Has wood lost its flavour for beavers? Has wood lost its flavour? And then they've got to get dust from, like, the best dust is from, like... Asbestos. Yeah, or, like, tyre factories. Like, oh, man, the dust in a tyre factory? Just flavour. Just that rubber flavour.

Yeah, because you could say something like, oh, yeah, like, you know, something flavoursome, like a, you know, like bourbon factory. You know how they have the, like... Bourbon dust. Yeah, yeah, like, who's... What's that? Bacardi Rum. I was watching, like, Mega Factories.

Yeah, yeah. Like, I love that show. And it had Bacardi Rum. They buy their barrels from Jim Beam because they've got to have used barrels. Yeah, they've already been soaked in bourbon. Yeah. And it gives the flavour.

Bacardi a little bit. Yeah, yeah. And it really like, they take great pride in these barrels. They basically toast them to get all the sugars to the top and then they burn the sugars off so basically it doesn't affect any of the flavoring yeah and i used to drink this beer it's called i think it was called something gun yeah and it was brewed in the jim bean barrels as well like or jack daniels barrels and it had this really kind of good flavour to it.

So you could do that with the beavers, but it's something really obscure, like tyre factory shavings or... We've soaked this wood in tyre factory sort of tyre bins, like tire shaving bins. And you've got like these beaver connoisseurs. Well, but also like, just with wine, they talk about the properties of like the oak or whatever that it's been aged in. So the beaver eating the wood would probably appreciate the fact that it's had wine in it. Yeah.

In the barrel. What if it's like a table? Yes. Like beavers start ordering. Yeah. Yeah, like nice wood. Okay, so it's a used table, right? Yeah.

And this table was used in like a cheese factory. Or this table, but not something with food. Maybe like an architect. Okay, so it's absorbed a lot of the inks that they use in those pens. Pencil sharpens. Pencil shavings. A lot of lead. Mouse ball.

The mouse ball. A lot of hand sweat. Mouse ball? Yeah, the mouse ball. I was not picturing computer mice Mouse had one testicle on the table And they'd be dragging it around Over the surface of the world

Just hangs down there It's one of those loose bagged mouse One uniball mice Do mice have hanging balls? Or are they up in there? You think mice... Really? I mean... They're so low to the ground, you wouldn't want that. I know, but their

balls wouldn't be, like, super dangly because... I think, don't rats have big ones? Rats might have big balls. I think the balls have to go on the outside. Not for everything. No, mice... Whales. The reason why we dissect mice and rats is because their body outlay is pretty much exactly identical to ours. No, the reason we dissect mice and rats is to get to their balls, which are inside them. No, because we want their balls so we can flavor our tables.

Yeah. For our beavers. What if there's like like and then people start like they figured out that there was this magical flavor in the wood when you put

like mouse balls on it that they've just started this factory where they order doors from architect like they they just find

every architect office in the world and they buy doors off them there's so much demand from the architects that are just working on the floor and but then also there's like

these guys who are going around to labs asking labs, okay look, we're going to pay top dollar for all your mice that are bred here that only have one ball. Because then we've got to take them to an architect's place and we've got to rub these uniball

ball bags along the tables. It's more artificial the tables it's sort of you know it's more artificial it's something that sort of the natural way you know with normally normally it happens in nature the way we like crumbs are sort of left on the table and mice will go up there over 20 years that you know that table will gain flavor at the moment we're sort of synthesizing that flavor by just you know getting some mice and just rubbing them along the table but you know it's just such a demand at the moment for the beavers

and even for the people. Beavers are getting bored. This whole sketch is built on the most tenuous of things, which is that we're trying to get better quality dust for beavers. I mean, the amount of explanation that is required to get to that point. And then since then, the complicated like that it's mouse

balls on architects' desks, this is not... I'm going to stop you there. You've gone too far. You've gone... Come back. No, but listen, listen. The mouse dollar is really big at this... No, the beaver dollar is really big at this point. Right?

And so, for some... Okay, somehow, the beavers have come into a lot of money. All right? We've given... Sorry, you looked like you had an idea. See, even if... Okay. Instead of dust, if it was chips...

See? Chips. That's like a food. Wood chips. Get out of here. I've just got two things. Beavers don't eat chips. I've just got two things that I'll probably add to this.

And this is, it all comes back to global warming. Okay. Because basically global warming's happening, and beavers have lost flavour for wood. So they've stopped building their dams, and we need the beavers back on site. So we need to flavour the trees. Yeah.

So that the beavers start getting back interest into building dams and start building dams. Then, also, what's happened is, because the beavers love the architect doors with one testicle mouse on them, a lot of third-world manufacturing companies have got a hold of this and they're doing shitty knock-offs.

Yeah, it's not an architect's desk. It might be a draftsman or a graphic designer's desk. And it's got rat ball. It's like, rat ball on a solicitor's desk. This is like the cask wine of

wood. Beamers are opening their lunchbox and they're like, look at what the wife's given me. This is rat ball. It's like all over the world. There's different versions coming out. It's just like, the Australians are trying to release this,

like this bilby mutt on an accountant's floor. Bilby mutt. Bilby mutt. And it's, what's his name? It's Saatchi, guys. It's his door. Like, the guy. His door with a Bilby Mutt rubbed on it.

Like, oh my God, that's worth like, that's worth like 1100 bucks a shaving. That's the Grange Hermitage. Yeah, so. It might not be a sketch, but it's definitely a feature film. Look, okay, I think what happens is, at some point, in order to save the planet, we have to assign... Work with the beavers. No, but we have to assign, like, give Mother Nature, like, when we exploit it, we have to give it money. So there has to be like an economic

consequence for exploiting nature. And so at some point, the beavers become really rich because we've taken their logs and we've poisoned their rivers. And so we're rewarding them with money and then suddenly they've become very affluent

and they're not satisfied. They've lost a taste for wood because fucking woods. Okay. There is something in what you're saying, Alistair, about the idea of that. Really? Nowadays, when companies want to do something that has an environmental consequence, economics says, well, economists say you've got to allow, and environmentalists say you've got to allow for what they call externalities,

which are the indirect costs that what you're going to do has on the environment. And a lot of the time what you'll do is the government will then introduce a scheme where they tax something or they levy a fee, or there's something like the carbon trading scheme, which means that money is collected that is proportional to the cost to the environment, and that means that the cost to the companies reflects the total cost, the cost to them of the materials and the cost to the environment. Now, what you're suggesting is that...

Rich beavers. Yeah. What you're suggesting is that instead of the government levying that money and keeping it, the money goes directly to the beavers. So we're paying... Okay. So Norsk Skog wants to build a paper manufacturing plant on a river. It's going to affect the local wetlands and the animals that are living there.

And the way that they're going to deal with that is they're going to pay off the beavers. And then the beavers are going to move into inner city apartments or something with this money that they're making. Which is why we end up trying to get alternatives like rat balls and bilby moots because the bilbies

haven't unionized yet and they're not getting as much money because they're also going to unionized yet and they're not getting as much money because they're also going to have to get money you know they're getting paid you know for for having their moots rubbed against things like you know how they get coffee beans from columbia and stuff yeah okay they start finding like a bilby that lives in a hut in in um sudan and um they're like oh the bilby hut sudan moot that that's the best. And you have to fly the door on a plane, and it only sees one door at a time. Bilby Mutt.

I know something about that Mutt flavor when it's been in high altitude. It's just the intensity. Oh, Bolivian. Bolivian Bilby Mutt, that's the best. It's like about a K above sea level. Okay. And I think there's some more logic that we should build into this,

which is about the fact that since the beavers now, because they've got this money from the paper manufacturers or whatever, they've moved into the cities. There now aren't trees for them to eat. So they are, these cashed-up beavers living in the urban environment, are buying wood. Okay? They're buying wood to eat.

And then they're developing this refined palate. And also there's the issue of, now all the Sudanese bilby mutt is being, that's all being used up for these urban beavers, which means that the Sudanese beavers now can't afford their own local bilby mutt wood, and they're struggling. So it's a big metaphor for quinoa. I think this is the most times I've heard mutt.

Certainly the most times I've heard bilby mutt. I hear it probably once a bilby but I think like I hear it probably Once a year You know you're just In a conversation At a party People are like

I know the worst word And then someone Always says moist Oh yeah moist Moist And then someone Always goes What about mood

And everyone's like Ah yeah Like that pops up What would you say Once a year at a party Yeah probably Yeah and then Now it's like

Whoa Pretty crazy It's really gone out of hand But what if What if The reason the beavers say once a year at a party yeah and then this and then now it's like whoa pretty crazy uh it's really gone out of hand but what if what if the reason the beavers took over the exchange because we're like oh they're just dumb beavers like as if we're going to give them money but then they they develop like some kind of currency like bitcoin like uh we found this anomaly so that's why they run, because they have like this weird thing in their brain that's triggered by currency.

And then as soon as they, because a beaver has never seen money before. It is weird that beavers build dams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean, that they should also develop a currency. It's not that strange. It's not that, you know, not going that far. They build like a virtual dam in the stock market.

Like they... And they clog up the stock market. Yeah, yeah. And then they introduce their currency, which is the only thing that's got any value at this point. So everybody invests in it and it goes up and the beavers are rich. It turns out that the same skills required

to control the flow of water by building a dam also can be applied directly to controlling the flow of Bitcoin. Yeah, yeah. Of the stock market. Beavers are stockpiling Bitcoin. And they find that Sudan is quite impoverished. It's like Sudan and Haiti and stuff. And they make their currency the most.

And then they just all, like the beavers just fly there, first class. It's just planes of beavers flying to Sudan and Haiti. And they're just redeveloping this whole country. Just filling it up with round houses. Just like near the rivers. Because they've got the best wood moisture. They're redirecting more water than sort of, than, you know, the UAE. Is it the UAE?

Yeah, yeah. United Ambulance. Yeah. But there's so many ways that this could emerge, like the rich beavers could emerge, is that it's almost, it seems almost impossible that it's not going to happen. And then, like, Australia's still doing okay. Because you know how we always kind of sit well when there's a crisis? Yeah. And before it's been due to, like, global, you know, I mean, because we've been thinking ahead.

But now it's only down to one thing, and that's the bilby mood. And, like, that's the only thing keeping our country alive like it's the only thing keep going so people are just going bananas and it's like so there's a bilby moot boom and it's just like it's on our currency it's like on each flag

there's a new Gina Reinhart who's just someone who's like controls all the bilby moot she was just a crazy lady who had a farm of bilbies. Her dad used to be the bilby baron, and then he died and she inherited all the bilbies. Her dad was like Nostradamus, and they all thought he was crazy.

He's like, oh, one day the bilbies will rise, and they will control our country. And they're like, I don't think so, mate. That's almost as stupid as beavers controlling the money. Oh, shit, I was right about, I was wrong about both things. I feel like we've just finished the podcast. Yeah, that's the end of the podcast. I think that's good.

So just to recap over what we've done. Take us back through. We've, it's the guy who confuses his bunker with his loft, but police find out he's been killing people.

It doesn't all explain, but people find out he's killing people because of the body leaks. Quality of his vegetables. The body leaks into the vegetables which are great aubergines

and nobody's seen those aubergines since Ivan Milet. I think that thing about detecting the good vegetables, I think that can be turned into a sketch. I think the confusing the basement with the loft, I think we're going to struggle to structure that into an actual... That's just the wife arguing with him. It's just a side story.

Is that the guy, that's just his... Every character needs a flaw and this guy's flaw other than killing people with him. It's just a side story. The guy, that's just his, every character needs a flaw and he could, and this guy's flaw other than killing people, is that he confuses bunkers with lofts. Okay, great. That was his only flaw apart from killing people.

What if that guy's he's kind of the the, what is it? The never goes good for him kind of guy. Like he just goes, that's it i'm gonna kill people like my life isn't going well and he can't even get that right and then he gets inspired rather than people putting him in jail they're just like oh you can't do anything right like we're just gonna leave you out and he goes no put me in jail please it's one place where i'll get

some sanity please and then that becomes really hard anyway uh two murder booths and uh body amnesty the collateral damage and also we give them people an opportunity if you if you had a if you killed somebody between the 80s you can just you know put your bodies out in the front yeah yeah we'll have uh no questions asked i realize there's been people just over there and we've been talking about bilby mutt so much. We've got people who are renting the space here, yelling Bilby Mutt. I don't think they'll hear it then. Okay. Clearly, I hope.

Well, it doesn't matter, really. Okay, there's a guy on a ledge being inspired by a superhero or a dude with posters. or a dude with posters. There's a guy on a ledge in... Wait. In car, checks his Facebook, sees inspirational quotes, and purposefully drives himself off a cliff.

There's a woman, inspires cop to inspire guy off a ledge. The cop's really uninspired to get this guy off a ledge. And then by the time he's inspired, the cop is inspired, the guy's already jumped off, and so they beat the woman. And then they lose. They're like, maybe we shouldn't be doing this. And then they see her poster, and then they beat the crap out of her.

Then we've got a man of constant struggle who's quickly followed by inspiration. And a noisy door. And a noisy door. And then we've got the rich beavers are buying mouse ball flavoured doors because of climate change. Oh, okay.

So, uh... That was the end. That was the end. The end. The end. Well, thank you very much, everybody, and see you later. Thanks, mate. Thanks, mate.