Two In The Think Tank - 160 - "THE FANTA CLAUSE" with DAVID M GREEN!

Episode Date: December 4, 2018

Glorious multicoloured thanks to our hilarious colleague David M Green for joining us on this sweet ep. Check out his website for his many funny projects and pursue him on twitter.One True Bystander, BGCPR, Nice Jail, Ear Wallet, Salted Caramel Ocean, Bystanderman, TFC, Nice Meat Man, Liquid Metal Man, Meat PPL, High Five GuyTITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag.And you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtbAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereA grotesque overabundance of thanks to George Matthews for producing  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. I'm Andy. I'm Alex to George William, Tromley virtual, and joining us today is a fellow writer on Mattis Hell. David M. Green. Hello. Oh my God. I'm Tromley Virtual and joining us today is a fellow writer on Mattis Hell. David, I'm green. Oh my God, I'm actually here. This is cool. I can't believe that we finally remembered to invite you and I apologize a thousand times for having worked with you for like four or five years. Yeah, so much five.

I want you to know that at least before you were doing the podcast. Some of it was before and then part of it would have been during the three year gap. I think we took where we did your gap when we didn't do the part. Right. And now you're in the sort of the two year gap of us doing the part. The gap of gap between our breaks from doing the podcast. Yeah. So you took a sabbatical in there.

Not on purpose. We just accidentally stopped doing it frequently. Partially, is it because we stopped living in the warehouse or is it just we even stopped doing it while we were living in the warehouse? I think we even stopped doing it while we were living in the warehouse. We had absolutely no excuse, Alice there. And I can't identify what happened. I don't know. Maybe we could go back and listen to some of the recordings and there'd be like telltale signs, the way that my voice breaks when I, you know, I look in your eye or something like that and we can tell that all's not okay in the tank.

With some tension, maybe. It could have been some tension, you know, but you return to it. That's good. Most podcasts just stop. Just Fizzle and Don, we didn't want to let that happen. We're trying to be in all of mine have done that. I'm sorry to hear, but you know what? I want you to get some hope from this knowing that they can come back.

They can fizzle and start. Yeah, they can fizzle and start. That's what happens with a lot of explosions. That's what happens with a rocket. Yeah. And especially these SpaceX reusable rockets. You can fizzle in. All right, so this is sponsored by SpaceX.

This will look, we're trying to get them on board. Elon won't return our tweets. We should insult him in some way. Yeah. Yeah, we should not help him rescue people from a cave. And then it will probably insult. Well actually, to be fair, we have never helped him. We're constantly not helping him rescue people from a cave.

I don't know what you're doing, right? I challenge you to find someone in the world who has helped Elon Musk less to rescue children from a cave. That's the children in the cave, possibly. Yeah, that's true. That's true, then. Are these people who helped him? Well, but then again, there was nobody,

you know, he couldn't have even had the possibility to rescue children in the cave if it wasn't for those children in the cave. Ah, so that's another way to look at it. In a way that they're the most crucial people. They're the people who have helped him the most so far. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to say you're wrong, but you are absolutely not be more wrong.

I guess maybe the person who stopped him was the most was maybe the person who said, no, we don't need your help. Yeah, but even that person, you know, has probably like taught him some kind of valuable lesson about next time for helping rescue children from a cave, you know, about modifying his approach or something. I think we who are uninvolved in any way living on the opposite side of the world, you know, we're the true bystanders. You know, people always talk about who are the true heroes.

I want to know who are the true bystanders. Sure, absolutely. Because a lot of the people who buy stand, you know, obviously you affect things by observing them. That's the bystander effect. Bystander effect. Actually, no, that's doing nothing. The bystander effect is a bystander doing nothing. Right. But that affects other bystanders to also do nothing. Is that the

bystander effect? Yeah. Everyone thinks someone's doing something, but actually everyone is doing nothing. Right. So, and I think that by doing nothing in that situation, they're actually, they're actually doing something. So wait, is this? That's what they think. So there's gonna be, out of all of this, there's gonna be a first person who's doing nothing, like a patient zero of doing nothing, who makes everybody else think

that people somebody's doing something. By the way, that they did nothing? Maybe, or maybe they're doing nothing in the way that makes them think that they're taking action to save a person. Right. Is that what we're talking about? Is that what the bystander effect is?

I think the bystander effect is... No, the bystander effect is someone will do something, not someone specific, but just like someone from this group will do something, therefore I don't need to do anything. Yeah. Right? Not that somebody is currently doing something, therefore I don't need to do anything. That's quite reasonable. Like, you can't blame the bystander effect if a paramedic is giving somebody CPR

and everyone else isn't involved. Because they're just being responsible by not going in and saying, here, no one's doing anything. Yeah. Well, I am. I'm a paramedic. I'm performing CPR.

You know? Yeah, that's a really bad bystander, by the way. It would be horrible, first of all, to go and accuse that person while they're giving CPR or being a bystander and this is bad bystander by the way, it would be horrible first of all to go and accuse that person while they're giving CPR Being a bystander and this is the bystander effect. This is the bystander effect at play right here But I mean if he's completely unsuccessful six He's writing a song while he's doing the thing

He's writing a song while he's doing the thing. Three, five, six. Well, that's the thing is that they say that you should give CPR while saying, you know, doing staying alive. But also, you could just use that as an opportunity to write a song that goes at the same BPMs as staying alive. Yeah, and another way to think about it is when you're performing staying alive, you do it. It helps if you're performing CPR at the same time so that you can keep the beat.

Keep the beat, you know. To tap in, you know, because that's the drummer's job, right? The drummer's gonna tap in everybody so they know what speed to start playing in. Right, that's why they always play hospitals. This is at the Bee Gees. The Bee Gees are always... Big on the hospital, sir.

Of course, yeah. The Gib brothers and obviously... I think they're big at the hospital circuit because they've all been very ill recently. Is that there isn't they've been doing a lot of hospital? Yes, but that's also... That's led to them playing, staying alive on like in good time.

Much more. So that's the trade offs there. Is that, yes, okay, yes, some of you are sick and some of you are fading away. Some of you are dead. But you're playing some of your best work, which is staying alive. But you're playing it as the best you've ever played it. Imagine if you were a person performing CPR

on one of the Bee Gees. Mmm. I mean... Oh, I just missed a little laugh. Might be self-conscious, I think. Yeah, we can't do a better than this guy. I mean, maybe CPR, I mean, he's unconscious. Bicep.

I mean, I'm like a steak fright. But then there's a part of your mind that might also think that if this goes well, they might get me in the bed. That is very true. Or if it goes badly, it might shock him back to life just out of indignation. But imagine if you were the BG and that that was your lust, your lust, the lust thing you heard is your consciousness faded from your mind. It was a bad karaoke version of staying alive. The best thing would be to

have staying alive, CPR performed on you by a member of the BG's. I think that's the best outcome you could get at a hospital. At a hospital like withers doctors present who can take over once he's messed up. I think okay so this is the scenario. It's a hospital. Somebody goes into Cartier, correct? At the same time as the Bee Gees are doing a tour of the hospital because they're performing a benefit concert. Yes. concert. And the doctor is about to start performing CPR and then he realizes obviously he would just be trying to keep time with staying alive in his mind. But clearly the person most qualified to do that in the room is one of the members of

the Bee Gees. And the Bee Gees, which who are playing. So you're just accompanying the Bee Gees right and the Bee Gees they're getting their cue on timing from somebody else performing CPR as we said. The reason that that's the beat is because they always had somebody performing CPR in one of their concerts. There are other medical procedures you can do to the time of different Bee Gees songs. Get your appendix out to Jive talking. Yes.

Yeah. They are the basis of Western medicine. Wait, wait, oh, I started a joke. That's the greatest thing for getting a penis enlargement. Spicks and specks. Is that one of their songs? Yeah. I don't like that word, spicks and...

I don't like it. I don't like it either. I mean, and you want to give them the benefit of the doubt and say they probably meant the other meaning of it. I don't know what the other meaning is. But I don't think there is another meaning. Small thing, right? No, that's a spec. Oh, it's a spec. They've got that. They've already used that. It's right next to it for comparison So they know the difference between those two words as well. They're not confused I was so we got wait was the other okay look I don't know what what is the other meaning of Speaks I That's what I'm saying. I don't think there is one. Oh, oh all right. I was I was I was I must be right

Why would they call it that? I don't know. I guess I don't know if it's speak us spec or possibly something very in the middle of those two words. It's actually a Swedish word which means a small fish. I think that's spec again. Is that spec? I think that's still spec. The way the way Anika pronounces it though it that sounds a bit more like speak I think it's my sweetest go for it oh okay or I'm like a real idiot no my girlfriend actually is a small fish and does she speak English? Swedish and I don't understand what she's saying yeah welcome to my world yeah look okay I've written down performing CPR in the BG. So I haven't, I've just read not BG CPR.

There's a sketch in there. You know, I like the one where the doctor defers to the BG's and gets them to do CPR. Even though they're actually not qualified and the patient dies as well. But still it was a beautiful performance. Everyone plores and gets them to, I don't know, sign the chart or something like that. They're actually not qualified and the patient dies as well. But still it was a beautiful performance. Everyone plores and gets them to, I don't know, sign the chart or something like that.

Maybe the patient was also a huge fan. Not of the BG's, but he wasn't. I'm getting a CBR. It was his favorite method of rec I'm getting a CBR. It was his favorite method of rec This is going good. I never thought that this would go so good. I don't know get the doctor to sign this bruised rib cage

Look the one true bystander thing that's that's what you started with Yeah, maybe that's how we got here so That's based on us like a like us is a saying a one true hero. Yeah, well, that's right. Sorry. Yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, okay So who is the true hero in this scenario? Well, what is the true bystander? So somebody definitely did something but somebody definitely did nothing the person who did the least they're the true bystander But they would be the most innocent person as well. Oh accepted bad things happen when good men do nothing So I guess you want to be, I guess the really thing, the thing that- No, no, no, but you want, yeah, sorry,

maybe this is where you're going, but then you want somebody who did something, but who's innocent, completely innocent, right? Because then if they did nothing, then they're a villain. They are, they are a villain. Assuming they're a good man. Well, exactly, so that's what I'm saying. What you really want to be to be a true bystander is you want it to be a bad man doing nothing, which cancels

out the effect of good men doing nothing. By virtue of the fact that as a bad man, if you've done something, it probably would have been bad. So you need to be a little bit evil, I think, in order to be a true bystander. So if bad things happen when good men do nothing, the good things happen when bad men do something. Something. I mean logically, it makes as much sense as anything I've ever heard.

Did you just prove that crime is good? No, crime happens because good people are doing nothing. Exactly. Therefore, the absence of crime happens. Well, good things happen when bad people do nothing. Do something. Bad people do crimes. Therefore, they're doing something.

Yes. Therefore, there's something that they do. It's good. Therefore, crime is good. Or good things happen after the crime. Or long term. Or doing crimes is nothing. So good things happen when bad people do something. So when they do crimes are bad things.

So that means that you could also get that equation by... Nothing. ...when if doing a bad thing is nothing. Which is... Right on. Look, I don't believe that one. Yeah, but I think in there. But I think yeah, in order to be a true bystander, you have to be a bad person, so that you can not be accused of doing bad by doing nothing. And I think, does that mean should we be in some way

applauding these people? Like when we give out the bravery awards, for a bus rolled onto a petting zoo. Right. There were a good people there, there were bad people there, there were people who actually did stuff. The good people who didn't do anything, they're no good. But if there was a bad person who didn't do anything, even though they would have been tempted to go in there and like fiddle with the goats or something like that. While everyone was distracted.

Yeah, touch a goat. Touch a goat, you know. Hey, those are prize goats. There should be some sort of a ward for restraint. Well, I think that they're doubly good because they're not only not doing a bad thing. Well, that's the thing is the way we, so they're not, they're a bad person doing nothing.

So that's good. But then they're also not doing a bad thing, which is also good. Yes. You see? So they should get two awards. Maybe, I'm not sure. Can one of them be the bystander medal?

A medal just for bystanders. I think so, yeah. You didn't do anything, but you didn't do anything to make it worse. Yeah, exactly. So that would be the bad guy metal, which you only give to bad guys when they do it. It's the opposite of, because I think we are often punishing bad people for doing bad things, but we're never rewarding bad people for not doing bad things. You know?

There needs to be a system of... Like a reverse jail. Yes. It's just a reward, isn't it? Well, it could be, or it could just be a nice room that you put them in forcefully. A nice jail. Against the will. You get to go to a nice jail.

This sketch is called a nice jail. Oh. Keep this up. You'll be on your way to nice job. Three to five. And it's minutes. It's really nice. Like, you know, yeah. I don't know, do you think like you think like nice long benches, you know, covered in really beautiful holes?

Oh, they said so nice. How long are the benches? I mean, three to five meters. Oh, that's the worst thing about regular jail. The bench is a two-shallop. Uncomfortablely short. You can only fit two, three people in this bedroom. What is going on with these jailers?

So some of our friends have to stand. All our social groupings are bigger than that here in jail. Bad jails, what would they call it? Bad jails, yeah. I have to have good jail exists, so nice jail, sorry. I'll just jail jail. Can be a real jail. Jail jail, what we can call it.

Jail jail and there's nice jail. You know, there's a stand-up comedian in jail jail. You know what I hate about jail jail? It's the best. It's the best. Bench links. I guess you have to be here. You know what I hate about jail jail? It's the best. It's the best. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths.

Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. Bench lengths. It decided that somebody's bad. Does it, because they've already been to jail or they've been in trouble? If you get arrested once, so you have any trouble with the law, suddenly now you're in the run for nice jail.

Well, I mean, what if the police see you in the street? You look real sus. They pull you over or they search you or something like that. And I can't, they got nothing on you. They shouldn't just send you on your way. They should send you to nice jail. Well, nobody, yeah, I got nothing on you. Yeah. They shouldn't just send you on your way. That's true. They should send you to a nice jail.

Well, nobody, then, yeah, I guess that's true, yeah. But also, that's the thing is that people who look dodgy, right, they often get negative impacts of that because they get harassed by the police. Sure, sure, yeah. So we can balance that out by introducing nice jails so that people get harassed, but then they get forced to go to a really nice room with beautiful long benches. You should pause.

You should see the length of these bitches. And the bars are like a meter and a half apart. Oh yeah, absolutely. But luxuriously far from each other. And the bars are like a meter and a half apart. Yeah, oh yeah. Absolutely. But luxuriously far from each other. But, okay, but then what is the opposite of, because it feels like we now also need the opposite of whatever police are, you know,

who are people who will stop you in the street. Yeah. If you look good, and just strip search you, searching for signs that you're even better than you look. Do you think maybe they strip search themselves and put things in your pockets? But not evidence of crimes. Not evidence of crime. Maybe evidence of no crimes. So the police stop you in this street.

Yeah. Strip search themselves. They put, and they're looking through, they're looking all around there like their crevices and their pockets of their things for a little sort of a certificate they have to congratulate you on not committing any crimes. Nothing?

Okay, well, here's a different slide, there's a different, I mean, that's very funny, but I got distracted thinking about my own thing. Of course, look, it's hard sometimes to hold onto a conversation when you have to both think and listen. I don't know how people do it. Yeah. We just don't know why, that's for sure.

What was I thinking about? I was thinking about police, some sort of other police force, because the police is walking the streets, but then the police feel like they're above the law, and it feels like there should be other police who also walk the streets, and then when they see other police, they can stop them and search them. They can search police? Yeah, they can search the police. Do they think that they're beneath the law? They're beside it. They're beside the law and they watch the watches. Could the fashion police do that? Is that in their jurisdiction?

It'd be nice to give them something else. They're searching for the clothes, right? Yeah, that's right, they are looking through your clothes and they can congratulate you on your outfit, which is that could be what they're putting in your pockets, which your ears are kind of like the bodies, the heads pockets, and they're putting little congratulations in there. Ah, these like the head's pockets.

I lost a mouth, there's more like the pocket of the head. Hmm, that's a, but I mean, you would you, you know, if at a pinch, you had to put your wallet somewhere in your body, in your head. And assuming size is no issue, I see a, auming size is no issue. It's a very small wallet or you have extremely large ears. You can change your wallet to fit the pocket. This is in this scenario. Okay. And all your cards could be adapted. There's no need for cards to be as big as they are. They could be as small as like that little chip that you get in your mobile phone these days. The nano SIM, right? Now, which orifice in your head

would you keep your wallet at all times? Probably the year, probably. It's got a little bucket there. Just in the out of ear. Thank you. You're right, you're right. And nothing else is really coming or going out of there. Exactly, it's kind of the other orifices.

Yeah, I think the ear is. There's a chance that you'd breathe in your there. Exactly. Like the other orifices. Yeah, the nose. There's a chance that you'd breathe in your wallet. But no, but you think about the ear. There's hard to get, if anything goes too far into the ear, it's, you're in a real trouble getting stuff out, right? Like the nose and the mouth, the body has systems for getting things out. But Andy. But the ear.

You don't think they've thought of that? Who? The people. The ear people. Yeah, the ear wallet people. I mean, don't you think that's yours? I know what they're doing. I mean, isn't that the first problem you're solving here when you're making a wallet for the ear? But you're one of these people who always just trusts in the corporations that you're having to sit back and just say, look, oh, they wouldn't do anything that's not in my best interest. They're a corporation. They don't care about you and your ear Okay, they just after make a quick buck. They're selling you this fucking ear wallet

They haven't looked into the consequences that you we don't know that could cause cancer Maybe in early incarnations of the ear wallet, but I think if you want repeat business Oh, so all the early ear wallets, they all, they were proven to cause cancer. Well, I'm not saying they caused cancer. I think maybe they went in and they pierced your ear drum. There's a chance of that for somebody who didn't think about it. Yeah, right. But then, that's been sorted out. Then the, like, the, essentially, the Apple computers of ear wallets come comes along some visionary Steve Jobs type guy who takes the existing

technology he looks at existing technology like ear plugs and wallets wow I just think the first people didn't do this and puts it together I mean you know this is you know there's a chance that it started with just a guy who was like, I'll just roll up my, you know, all my money and just put it in my ear. That's how it could start, because I mean, it would start with a guy who didn't have pockets anywhere, maybe, or who just just, I'm trying to just live there, you know, feel free or let's tie down, but instead of thing. Yeah. down by that sort of thing. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I like it. And I like saying, look, the body already has all the pockets we need. You know, it's some sort of minimalism thing. It's like, we have everything we need right here. Mm. I mean, that would be great for like a big, you know, like at a women's march. Mm. And maybe they're kind of kind of saying like,

like, you know what, we actually don't need pockets. That's a construct that men created. And they made us carry things that are big and that force us to think that we need pockets. And then deprive us of pockets. It's a control mechanism. You're right. Yeah. And then they go, but we don't even need pockets. It's a control mechanism. You're right. Like that, right? And then they go,

But we don't even need pockets. Our bodies have everything in it. Our body has enough pockets and then introducing the ear wallet. Great. Like that. And that's when they use a women's march for this launch.

It's a new product. It was a fake. It was a sort of a stunt thing that they did a marketing campaign where they got all the women together in a big rally for women's issues in the city. And then they sort of sold their Eawolet product. Anyway, it went really well for it.

But it went really well and it's... People were so persuaded by the technology. I think just shrinking down cards, you know, I think it's a great thing. What about a little sliver and it's got just a projector on it so you can just project and just project your card onto the wall. Each thing is just an LED. It's just a little thin LED, just press on it, you just squeeze it and it creates a charge. It's that piezoelectric effect. And then just project the only information onto the wall. And then what you write it down or something? Well, you know, it's like your ID. You don't, you don't, when you give somebody your card, you then go, Oh, I better write this down. And what, what about when you're just doing a credit card or something like that?

You just, you just scan it. I just, I just, you just, you just, you just, you just project it onto the, onto the F post machine. F post machine or the, or the cashier or something like that. What's the little thing that's projecting? How big is it? It's the size of a thin LED. Right. It says like a year, year size. Well, what's the little thing that's projecting? How big is it? It's the size of a thin LED. Right, it says like a ear size. Well, it's just a thin sliver. Yeah, then we go into your ear. It goes into your ear, yeah.

Right, I love the idea of thin slivers of stuff, putting them in my ear. I think it'll look like a little camping size match box. You know, one of those ones, it's like a little circular one that you keep those waterproof matches that you would keep, like, you of those ones, it's like a little circular one that you keep me and keep those waterproof matches that you would keep like, you know, that they have any armor or something like that.

I've never seen that, so I'm not gonna imagine that. Yeah, thank you. Is there a way you could have this in your ear and not have to take it out of your ear? So you just sort of projects out the side of your head. That would be really nice. Yeah, you squeeze the lobe, the ear feels like something that could project light out of it.

Although you'd have to sort of turn sideways to the cashier, you wouldn't actually be able to check to see that it's the right card because you'd come out the side of your head and being your periphery. Yeah, that look. Just can you read that back for me? How about this? How about this? Is that the right one? There's a mirror on the inside of your ear.

Right, and that little fold. Yeah, and that fold there. A prism? Yeah, like a prism that redirects the light a little bit forward. Like that. And then you can cycle through your cards by just pressing your low, bow, over, and over again. Like that. And you can just go, where is it?

Where is it? Where is it? Like that. Oh, this sounds so much better than having a wallet. Well, I'm just saying you're freeing yourself of the... Yeah, you're freeing yourself of the oppression of pockets. You have pockets and manhood and things like that. We're in the pocket, a big pocket, and I'm sick of it.

Can we... I don't see why the ear needs to be just like a big open hole like that, right? Because there's no... Apart from wallets, obviously, there's no real call for things to go in and out of the year. Like, why doesn't it have a little, like, a little grating over the end or something? Stop bugs getting in there. I think that's what the ear hair does. It doesn't do very well.

I think it's great. Are you constantly getting bugs in your ears? I'm constantly worried that I will read the stories about somebody's something flew in there and then they got like terrible migraines. Wasn't there some ancient king or something who had a scorpion crawled into his ear and he went mad? Or, you know? Maybe such a shame.

Start charging all this stuff to his account. Damn scorpion. Yeah. I mean, and think about it, like you've won the lottery. You've been born king, but then you essentially win the lottery twice with you not only born king, but then you have this really unlikely scenario in which a scorpion climbs into your ear and makes you insane. I feel like I've won the lottery.

It's not a good lottery. It's a bad lottery. That's a bad lottery. You know, but I'm sure you know, Kinghood also has its own. Well, but if we can have a good jail, we might as well have a bad lottery. What's a nice jail?

Nice, nice, nice, nice lottery. And there's the lottery lottery lottery. We should, okay, well, we should also invent the lottery lottery where you pay money and something really bad. We have talked about lottery, you said well, but this is very cool. I love it. At the moment the lottery goes from no money, not to about $300 million

is sort of like where they've maxed out, isn't it? So, I mean, why doesn't it go into the negative as well? Well, I think that this is the cost of the lottery too. Well, yeah, but okay, but so far, even then, it doesn't go that far into the negative. It goes to how many you buy. All right. It does depend how many you buy, you're right. But at a certain point,

you're not going to spend more than $300 million on lottery tickets. I, for any given lottery. Yeah, I'd be, maybe if I won the lottery and I had that much disposable income, I might spend that much on lottery tickets. Well, then you're insane. And there's no hope for you. Is that? Because you've won more money than anyone Is ever one or the lottery and you expect all of that money on another lottery hoping to win back I assume the money that you had to begin with It's like that expression when you when something happens to you. It's for it to be lucky to say oh you better You better buy a lottery ticket. Oh, I'm gonna go buy a lottery ticket

But what if the lucky thing that happened to you was actually winning the lottery? Yeah, I kept winning the lottery. I had to keep buying lottery tickets. Jeez. You better, you better. I give that to the buying $300 million worth of lottery tickets. And like, but well, that's the thing is that the money

doesn't bring your happiness, but winning the lottery does. You see? And so that's the feeling that you're trying to get back. That's why you want to win the lottery. To win the lottery. You go, oh my god, I'm so lucky. You say, I feel like I've won the lottery. This is like a day in nice jail.

I have $300 million at home. I feel like I've won the lottery. No, you know, you get an extra bit of bacon in your sandwich. Then I feel like I've won the lottery. The bacon lottery. Yeah, I've thought of how lottery lottery could work. Right, this is the way it could work. It's a billionaire who wants to be able to do something

really horrible to a person. Right you go to the lottery lottery store and they'll give you roughly $22. And then you've got one chance of having this really horrible thing done to you. At some point, somebody wins that lottery and then the billionaire gets to pull all their limbs off or something one by one or whatever, like that. And they're allowed to do that. Oh, not one by one. No.

I mean, I think limbs are like band-age. You want to just get it all off at once. I don't know, maybe that's too horrible. I mean, well, I mean, it's a big lottery, you know? And because the benefit that you get is the $22, is that right? Yeah. Yeah. And you think, oh, it's not much, but you know, it's 20 bucks, you know, and maybe. And what are the chances?

What are the chances? What are the chances? Yeah, I think that's good. I think that's really good for people who don't, I think people who don't enter the regular lottery, good lottery, nice lottery. The nice lottery. People who don't enter the nice lottery

are almost, because they always have the argument, oh this, what are the chances of you winning that? You're crazy, you're just throwing away $20. Right? They, by their logic, should definitely enter the lottery lottery because what are the chances if you're getting all your limbs pulled off? You're just getting $23.

Yeah. And you could get like, you could get $300 million worth of lottery lottery tickets. Mm. And one go. Mm. Keep going in. That really increases your chances of getting all your limbs

pulled off, but if you don't, he's only gonna pull your limbs off once, right? And it's true, right? And as long as this rich billionaire doesn't have one other sick thing that he wants to do to a person well I pulled all your limbs off, but I'm out of ideas Is the head a limb

This purpose the head could be seen as a limb. What do you think about it? What about the ear? That's more of a pocket. Yeah, well it's in there. Yeah, but that's true. But what about the outside of the ear? The lobe the lobe and the what about the outside of the year? The lobe. The lobe and the, what is the rest of the year? Is that just a year? The outer year. The outer year.

Yeah. So it's like, it's like the clitoris. You know, only a little bit is showing. No, I think a lot of it is showing. I think it's the opposite of the clitoris. I think it's mostly showing. So it's like the base of the iceberg. That's the, that's the inner year. the base of the iceberg. I thought the tip would be the outer ear.

No, no, but I'm suggesting there's not as much inside as that is outside. Because there's so much going out outside. You can't have that much inside your head. Upside down iceberg. The tip of the upside down iceberg. Oh, there you go, yeah. So it is like you impaled your head on an iceberg. The pointy bit is in the center of the head.

And then the doctor, the doctor. Exactly David. The doctor looks in your other ear. The doctor looks in your other ear and he goes, luckily, it's only the tip of the iceberg that's inside your ear. But that's a good thing, right? Okay. What would you have to...

We could get icebergs, because the tip of the iceberg that only applies when the iceberg is floating in water. Right? If the iceberg was floating in something more dense, like honey or a really thick oil, then the tip of the iceberg would be much more, I imagine, it would float a lot higher. That depends if the iceberg is itself made of honey or oil, it's like honey ice or oil ice. Vanilla ice. I mean, that could just be done with just a little bit of sort of flavoring.

You know I think that you could actually achieve that really easily. It sounds delicious. Do you think we could flavor the ocean without affecting it too much? Absolutely. I feel like we could. Like you don't need that much cordial to have an effect on the flavor of soy. It's already got like a salty kind of flavor. Yeah, so we can like a, like a, yeah, it's almost like a ramen soup kind of thing. So do you think that maybe caramel, if we added caramel flavored, salted caramel? Yeah, like I think we could come up with some sort of chemical where humans are really good at this. Coming up with some sort of chemical. And tipping it in the ocean. We're also really good at that.

Yeah. Right. But we're great at coming up with some sort of chemical. And tipping it in the ocean, we're also really good at that. Right, but we're great at coming up with chemicals that don't affect nature in any negative way, or at least as far as we're aware for a period of about 30 years before it becomes clear that it really does. I like this because this is kind of like turning one of our flaws, accidentally tipping chemicals into the ocean, making chemicals and pouring them into the ocean and trying to do something positive with it. It's like in a job interview, if all of humanity was in a job interview and somebody asked

us what our weaknesses were, we'd try and make them sound like a strength. I guess I'm, I tip a little too many chemicals in the ocean. Exactly. I'm a workaholic when it comes to tipping chemicals in the ocean. Yeah, so if that's going to be a problem. So, yeah, I think there's a sketch in which we flavor the ocean. Like, what is the negative of this?

What's the downside? None. It's salted carot, or the ocean is now salted caramel. It doesn't affect any of the wildlife. We've already established that in the premise, right? Yeah. Plants or whatever. There's no long-term consequences that we're aware of,

and we checked a bit, right? And now when you go swimming or whatever, mouthful, I don't, you know. And so what's the worst that'll happen? It'll just lead people to drink loads of seawater. And what's that going to do? Lower the sea level. Yeah. Yeah. Cause we'll go pee onto regular land. Regular land. Which the ocean is irregular land. Right. Highly irregular. And then we will, does our body desalinate?

I don't think so. I don't think so. You need to keep drinking fresh water. Sure. Damn. That would be one place you could get. We're not putting caramel in the lakes though. This is just in the ocean.

Oh yeah, you're a fresh water. Okay good. No, I was just hoping we were going to add to the supply of fresh water in the world. I thought this will be a really positive thing. I mean, this would be incredible if we only just discovered at this point that the human body produced fresh water that urine was fresh water. Oh, it's fresh urine. It is fresh. It is fresh.

Is this fresh? Yes. You know, but I guess if it doesn't, you know, if it doesn't take out any salt, I guess you could just run it through a few times. Run it through again. It's gonna take out some salt. Unfortunately, I don't think that's the way the human body works,

because I think that in order for the body to take out salt, the salt would have to be going somewhere. In the poo, you think it would be coming out? I think it just goes into your body. Into your body, and then what happens to it? It builds up. Salty body. Salty bod. Salty sea bod.

Just sweat it out. You could sweat it out. Let it just crusts on your arm. And then you scrape that off onto a pasta or something. Salty pasta. Do you guys put salt on pasta? I put salt on everything. Put them in the pasta while we're cooking it, I think.

Right, like in the boiling water. Yeah, yeah. I'll just get some seawater. Really, I should. Just get it out of the beach. You're wasteing water, you're wasting salt and opportunity. An opportunity to go down to the seaside. This is the greatest opportunity.

Yeah, breathing some of that sea-sidey smell. Can you write down caramelized, a salted caramel ocean? You bet. Yes. Or caramelized ocean? What is caramelized? That is different.

Salt is a salted caramelized. I mean is caramelized? It's different. You want a salt, just a salt caramelized. I mean, I guess you could also make, um... Does water caramelize? I mean, if you just sort of fried on the pan there for long enough, for a while, kind of brown. Probably not, I think it just evaporates. Yeah. That's a goddamn shame.

But, but things caramelize when, a bit of the water evaporates, I think it's probably just a question of quantities, right? Like, you have to evaporate a lot of water, but like whatever's left behind, you get caramelized water. Chlorine. No, just caramelize. Okay. You could, I think, wait. That's how a salt pan works. That's how they make salt. Oh, I make a, like what they-

From seawater. So it's just caramelizing water, seawater. Yeah, caramelizing water. The sun caramelizes the water and just leaves you with salt. Yeah, and then you get that sweet salty taste that- Yeah. Um, at, do they just do a very thin layer of water? Do they think they do a, like,

a couple of inches, do you know about that? I reckon that keep it pretty thin. But maybe that's not. But I consider also a couple of inches is pretty thin for water. Depends how big the area is. That's true, I guess if it's sort of just like, you know, like a cubic centimeter.

Yeah, that's not a very big area. No, and you would almost not call it a pan unless you're very small. No, I wouldn't call that a pan. I wouldn't call that a pan. Especially not if it was a couple of inches deep. I'd say that's not a pan. Yeah, but it depends on how it's sour. It depends on how it's sour.

Yeah, for a doll's house, sure, that would make sense. Yeah, but what exactly? I would just... Tiny kitchen, you ever watched those videos? Is that a cooking show? It's like an Instagram channel. It's people making things with a very tiny kitchen, tiny utensils and tiny oven and stuff.

It's one of these new things that it feels like it's kinky in some way, but we haven't worked out how yet. You're definitely a pervert for liking it. Yeah, absolutely. I've seen one of those where somebody made a plastic toilet and then I think in the system, it's a tiny plastic toilet and then the system, they poured like a sugary powdery type thing and it like, and they add water and it kind of foams up and then it comes out the bowl. Then they put a straw in there and then they drink it

and then they clean the toilet. And that was the whole video I saw. Was this miniature toilet like the size of a glass that you would drink like a coffee out of or is it like tiny tiny like a doll in a doll's house? It was probably like the size of your thumb, maybe two thumbs. Right, okay.

Two thumbs. So like a doll's toilet. maybe two thumbs. Right, okay. There are two thumbs. So like, you know, like a doll's toilet. That's gross. Well, yeah. I love that you need to specify the size of the toilet to know if it was gross or not. Like, what's the threshold? Well, if it was just like a regular, you know,

I could think for holding a drink. I mean, that's fine. It's just a novelty. It's a novelty. Yeah. Why would you go to the effort of making a tiny toilet and then drink out of it? fine, it's just a novelty. It's a novelty. Yeah. Why would you go to the effort of making a tiny toilet and then drink out of it? That's gross.

I guess you don't know if a doll's been in it. There's always that risk. Or I guess there's always the risk that somebody has made a doll or has used the toilet. I guess if you're using your regular human-sized mouth to drink from it, if you're in the kind of circles of people who do that, there is a risk that somebody who's used their regular-sized urethra to pee into it.

Maybe like full-sized chemicals to. We've established that there's one person in the world who uses their regular-sized something to do something to it. So, what's to stop another person equivalently using their equivalently regular sized other thing to do a different thing to it? That's right. Yeah.

Um, I think I have watched a little bit of that. Tiny kitchen. But do they, when they cook, are they cooking on actual heat? Or are they just pretending to cook? No, it's a small oven. It looks like an oven, but in the bottom of it, they just light one of those little tea candles, small candle, and yeah, so there's enough heat that comes from that, and they only cook, you know, like if you're making a roast or something in real life, you'd cook it for like an hour,

but in this they only cook it for like 30 seconds. So it's anti-genec. Well, I think they washed their hands before. Yeah, yeah, I don't know. Doesn't this sound like it's anti-genec? I mean, if it cooks through, if it just gets to the right temperature. Yeah, it's just, it's a really small amount of food,

so it doesn't need to. There's a large surface area too. Volume ratio. It's not a surface area, a volume ratio. No, the surface area to volume ratio. If you know you're speaking Andy's language. No, my favorite ratio, yeah, I'm familiar on board. That's why insects are so strong. Surface area to...

Was it surface areas to... They're exoskeleton, you know, compared to the amount of material inside them. They can lift several times their own weight. I don't think that's true. I don't think it's the surface area and a volume ratio of the... You don't think so? Insect. No?

No. What do you think it is? That's got something to do with it. Well, then why would that be your favorite ratio if it doesn't do cool things like that? Because what it does is it allows a bear to curl up into a ball in the winter and reduce its heat loss. That's the cool fact about surface area to volume ratio. I reckon surface area to volume has a lot to do with the ability of an ant to lift something

to something. I don't think the surface area matters one eye-ota. Really? Yes. It would be something else. You are going to shit when something. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field with plenty of

growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time mycomputercareer.edu. writes in and says, I'm a surface area to density or whatever it was, scientists, and I'm about to fuck you up with my dissertation. Hey, you're never gonna stop shitting. You, me, your dissertation outside the behind the bike shits.

Yeah, and then you're gonna go, I got a chalkboard out here. Let me show you some some PowerPoint Yep, I think that no one ever does anything in front of the bike sheds. I honestly don't think you bike sheds even need a front just build the back save money ride your bike you could ride your bike at the front no one ever says they're gonna do that. No well that's the thing is that you you do bad things in the back you do good things in the front the front. So let's say you're a good man. If you're a good man, you do nothing in the back of the, in the back of the bike shed, because that's all it takes for you to be to do something bad. Doing something bad. But then if you're a good person, if you're a bad person,

you go in the front to do nothing. Nothing in the front. That's probably where they hold the award ceremony. The award ceremony? The award ceremony. So we had that the beginning that bad men get a ride right where they get that bystander metal. They get their bystander metal. In the front of the bike shed. Bike shed, bike shed. Sketch out here. Okay.

Opposite bullies or nice bullies. Yes. Yeah. They threaten. They still threaten. But they threaten. Well, that doesn't sound nice. They can.

Some good threats. Oh yeah. They threaten to make you out the front of the bike sheds after school and give you a cigarette Yeah, a firm handshake and a firm handshake. There you go I think they could do something nicer Yeah, well both of those suggestions two cigarettes give you two cigarettes Oh my god, that's so dark. And two handshakes. Two firm handshakes.

Two firm ones. It's not two, but it's two firm. Oh, it's two firm. Oh no. He used both meanings. I'm wearing two. Couldn't, okay, here this, now, because we got, we got bully bullies, nice bullies,

and then we got confusing bullies. And he says, I'm gonna give you, Bully bullies nice bullies and then we got confusing bullies And he says I'm gonna give you 18 18 bees Right and then he gives you 9 Buzzing bees it Buzzing bees. He gives you seven, the letter B. He gives you two the opportunities to be. Confusing bullies. Oh, and he's threatening you. And himself. With a knife.

With a knife. With a B. The opportunity to. I like that. I take that over an ordinary bully, because at least there's a chance that there might be something nice as part of that. And if you kill a confusing bully you become one,

like the Santa Claus, we were just, you know, like, because we were just writing the whole way, right? Somebody was saying, I wasn't part of this conversation. They must have been part of a conversation yesterday, something that we're there saying, that the Santa Claus is actually with Tim Allen,

is actually a horror film, right? Because he, I guess he kills him. I'm not sure if it's an accident. Can't remember if he doesn't. Yeah, he killed him. I'm not sure if it's an accident. Can't remember if he does it on purpose. Yeah, he kills him. He purposely kills Santa. Purposefully kills Santa. No, the original plot, he read an article a couple of days ago.

Timon originally, he was supposed to shoot Santa. All right. Yeah, that seems press-puzzle. Well, that seems very believable. It does, in America. And I think they had to. That's, well, that seems very believable. It does. In America. And I think they had to take it away because it was all too real. And anyway, then it made it, he accidentally

knocks him off the roof. Yeah, he startles him and knocks Santa off the roof. Even though you would think Santa would be used to that sort of thing, because he does it millions of times a year for a man. That's his habitat. Yeah. So to that, you know, he's like a person with sea legs,

but he's got roof legs. Roof legs. He's just, he's actually just naturally got one leg longer than the other, like a goat, I don't know if a goat does that, but that would really help him if he had a- That would be so great, although then they'd only be able to go one way around the mountain.

Wow, this is the great thing about Santa, which is Christmas God. He has both legs are longer than the other. That's really handy. That's actually, that's his, actually, you know how like, that's his only superpower. Bystanda, man. Wait, he's a superhero.

Yeah. But he's a bystander. He's first on the scene. Yeah, but he's a bystander. So he's first on the scene. Yeah He can he can hear when something's happening from across the globe and get there like that to watch That's pretty good. I think I guess he gets he does he's a bad man Well, I guess so yeah, because he doesn't do anything. Oh, that's true. Yeah, it gets there fast He gets it gets there real fast. He gets there fast. He gets there real fast.

He's a first responder. And he gets to do a lot of interviews, I guess, like bystander interviews. Oh my God, yeah, it was incredible. Like the truck just came flying off the edge of the overpass and then landed down over there where all the kids are in the playground and oh, there's screaming and flames. it's what the thing that alerts and then he's off and then there's a

crime it's his bystandy sense bystandy sense is tingling and he quickly like swings between buildings to like get there, but he's actually got a regular swing Instead of like a web by standard man the least involved one of them all one of them all. Oh! Whoa! Oh! I feel that on my phone! And he's the reason that there's these, you know, like, that paranoid people have suspicions that, like, all the people who witness crimes, that all these people are, like, actors.

Actors, because they're always, they see the same people again or something like that. And it just happens that, you know, the reason why he's always there is because, he's, I guess he both has the ability to know where crimes are and the urge to go watch crime happen. And he wears a superhero costume, to be, be on it.

Yeah, right, look, sorry. And by being, I mean, the opportunity to be something. Yeah right, look, I should have went by Bay, I mean the opportunity to be something. So wait, what I was going to say before about the Santa Claus thing is that it's supposed, they were saying that this is a friend Matt, maybe Peter Thomas, both people who have also been on the show, Matt Stewart from Duke I. Anyway, they were saying that they think it's a horror movie Stewart from Duke I. Anyway, they were saying that they think it's a horror movie because he kills Santa Claus and then against his will he sort of becomes Santa Claus and he can't kind of escape that other thing. Yeah, that's his life now. That's his life now. So maybe these body changes. But I thought, what if, you know, it's that? So if you could just make it into something a little bit more scary,

it's like the guy kills an orange. Like this, right? And he, you know, it's like, it's just, you know, he's got a bag orange, it's just cutting up like, like just like a regular day. It's killing haps of oranges. Yeah, it's killing him, but there was one magic orange. Oh, no! That had like a, the orange claws, you know, like that big document, like the Santa Claus. Yeah.

You know, and there was, and it was, and it was, and it states, that had like the orange claws, like that big document, like the Santa Claus. Yeah. You know. And there was, and it states that if you kill this orange, I call it the Fanta Clause. The Fanta Clause. And if you kill this orange, then you will become an orange. And so then, it'll be similar. You could almost do a shot for shot as like,

this is a little bit, right? Well, I don't know. I don't know if you can do a shot for shot. I think some of the scenes on the sled and then be out of place You can be on a bag oranges Oh the orange that travels around on a bag of oranges Delivered orange That's what a magic orange does travels around around on a bag of oranges, delivering oranges. On orange Christmas.

It's a fatter close. And then there'll be that scene where he's like looking in the mirror and he's shaving. And then he slowly turns into an orange. And then he shives the... Yeah. And then he turns more into an orange. Then eventually he can't move.

You know, he can't move, he's just an orange, you know. How's he supposed to do all those things? How's he supposed to travel the world, delivering oranges if he can't move? I see him, of course. Yeah, well I see him that maybe wherever he comes from, there's like, you know, kind of like Santa Claus has the North Pole, this guy might have like orange County We have orange County That's right, and then he and he has like a bunch of elves or like you know or immigrant fruit pickers Yeah, immigrant fruit pickers and they they know about his magic bag oranges that Allows him to go around and deliver oranges on the day of it of Jesus's birth

Jesus being one of the foreign fruit pickers. The first yes, fruit picker. I mean, that all checks out. Yeah. But the way that it's different to Pickle Rick, I wanna make sure that this is not anything like Pickle Rick, because Pickle Rick, he made himself a pickle. And but then he made himself like a rat body.

Well, yeah, but then I want you to know that he doesn't have a face like pickle Rick does. Oh, it's so different. So he can't see anything. So different. And also he doesn't have the ability to sense or think or think because he's an orange now. And all the decisions are made by his his employees. But it actually brings him closer to his children. But if somebody but but this is yeah, it'll bring him closer to his children. But if somebody, but, but this is, yeah, it brings him closer to his children.

And, but I guess what he's hoping for is that at some point someone will kill him. God, he just wants the sprate release of death. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's all he can't think, but all he knows, all he is allowed to think is God, along for the sweet release of death. And then you find out that all oranges are just people, that they were once people.

Every time he comes to somebody's house to deliver oranges, they knock on the door and they say, he knocks on the door and they say, who's there? He says, orange. Not so good, who's there? Orange. Orange snuck who's there? Orange. Orange. Orange, and then silence.

That's the trailer for the film. It's a real horror film. So I don't know, should I write that down? Yeah, the fan to clause. The fan to clause. them. The fantasies. The fantasies. I just I want to see how this is achievable from the point of you of setting up obviously the quite complicated mythology of the the the the orange. Yeah. The delivered ages while still leaving enough space to be a parody of the Santa Claus. Yeah, it's going to be tough. It's going to be tough, but we didn't get into this business for a...

That's why you train for it as a writer, that you could achieve things like this. Now, do we have some words from our listener? Obviously, our podcast is supported by Patreon supporters who chip in a couple of bucks and are able to send us words that we then try and turn into a sketch. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're very good, and sometimes they're nice. And we thank you for supporting us on Patreon. I'm a Comfort slash think tank. Thank you very much everybody.

Did you know David that one? Well, two in tank. I don't know which one. Well, there's a Patreon.com slash two in tank. Two in tank. Yeah. One day David, well, is it patreon.com slash two in 10? Two in 10. Yeah. One day, David, we got our Patreon money. This is like, you know, occasionally I can get around to taking it off the website.

And I sent Andy a few hundred dollars that he, that belonged with his share. We give a hundred dollars a month to George. Andy's brother who had edits the podcast. And, you know, it's nice. Yeah, it's real nice. Well, it's also nice that he edits it for. I mean, when I say, yeah, he does all the audio stuff. Anyway, Andy says to me, a couple of days later, he goes, you know what, Andy,

it was really great that you sent me that money because I wasn't gonna be able to pay my mortgage. I don't know why you have to keep bringing up this story out of it. I just, we all that close to the line right now. We're pretty close to the line. Yeah. No, I don't have any kids though. Yeah. Well, it's a spooky time.

It's a spooky time and so on. And I keep having more kids. And that line keeps getting closer But I'm an orange I can't get anyway But luckily my magic bag lifts me up No, but that line you guys in my magic bag. That's always like that's all we're saying Everybody and okay, so today's Listener is Joe Dunker

Joe Dunker Joe Duncan. Joe Duncan. Joe Duncan, thank you so much. Thank you so much, Joe Duncan. And just in case, I'm gonna say it could also be Joe Duncan. So just in case, you know, I don't, at this point, I can't remember. It's a male or female, Joe. It's with an e, I think.

But that could still be Joe a sypheme Could be Joe a sypheme Or or Joe or Joseph or Joe will go or go it's a soft J. Yeah, or if it's a hot J I think it's a hot J or if they they're, you know, South American or something, it could be Ho. Or Yo.

Anyway, so thank you, Yo Dunker. He's, or her. I should have just checked, I should have just checked the image. There, there, three words are, another, there, three words are another sausage sketch. Okay, so I assume this is a reference to the episode, too many sausages in which we came up with something like five sausage-based sketches in the one episode. Was that a sausage factory of an episode? It was a real sausage-fast. Yeah. And I gotta say it was great and we were really out putting and we were filling up those sketches with disgusting meat. That is the expression

that nobody likes to see the sausage being made which is almost a description of what this podcast is Yeah, yeah, that was a Cruise job who said that I think The Russian the Russian Chris Jeff. Yeah, whatever Donker don't care He said that I think that was his quote. But he probably said it in a Russian accent.

Yeah. Just like that, didn't it? And probably said it in Russian. Hmm. It was like politics is like, it's like a sausage, you know. You don't want to see how it's made behind the scenes. Hmm. Something like that.

Was he saying that to a sausage maker, like a butcher? I imagine he was. Yeah. Yeah, which is interesting because I believe that in the Soviet Union a lot of politics is putting people through meat grinders or was. That could still be. It's coming back. Yeah, it seems like they're kind of having a bit of a forceful, which you got to be when you're pushing someone into a meat grinder. Oh, you got to be forceful. Yeah. You can't be squeamish, you know, it's not for the faint-hearted pushing people

through a meat grinder. No, absolutely. I think a lot of people, a lot of people these days, they think that they can do it. I mean, they don't. Somewhere out there, there's a guy who pushes people into meat grinders, but is the nicest guy who pushes people through meat grinders. Wow. Is nicest guy who pushes people through meat grinders? Wow. Is it a regular meat grinder or is it a nice meat grinder? Well, there would be one for each category.

There would be a nicest guy who puts pushes someone through a meat grinder, which is I suppose, uh, no, sorry, a nice meat grinder, which I suppose is one that puts you into a better shape. Do you think I'm, do, do, do you? It still grinds you down. Oh, you're a better shape at the end of it. It's actually an improvement. You go through and you come out with abs and things like that.

But I mean, you get ground down to mush. And then you come out and you've got like abs and everything. But like your body is now all a uniform human paste. Sossage paste. Sossage paste. Yeah. Do you think that the best guy who puts people through meat grinders is better than the worst guy

who doesn't put people through meat grinders? You know, like where do they cross over? I would say that the yeah, the nicest person who puts somebody through meat grinders is probably nicer than the worst person who doesn't push people through meat grinders. Because he could do other things like... Exactly. He could push people into vats of boiling hot liquid. Oh, you're right.

He said. Yeah. But then he could have other redeeming qualities, you know? What kind of redeeming qualities do you think this guy who holds people's heads into liquid metal? If anything, he works too hard. There you go. Putting people into it. There's only thing I push too many people into hot molten liquid metal.

He's always making his quota. That's right, and he's a hard worker, and he probably gets pay raises all the time, which makes his wife proud of him. Yeah, if I employed a guy who pushed people into hot, liquid metal, I would give him heaps of pay rises. I certainly wouldn't try and, you know, talk him out of getting a pay rise in a meeting down by the vats when I go to meet,

you know. So you suggested you knew the vats. So this is your, your, his employer. Yeah, I'm his employer. I would, I would give him almost anything he asked for, I think. What a powerful bargaining position. Yeah, better gloves. And how do you think that this employer sort of keeps this industry that he runs, like this business that he runs, without overrunning costs? Right, when he's employees,

because wages are always your biggest cost. The biggest cost, right? And he has no power to say no to hay raises. Well, I guess then you really need to employ someone else. Maybe the meat grinder guy. The nice meat grinder guy. The nice meat grinder guy. The regular meat grinder guy.

I think of the nice meat grinder guy, but to just to feel like you have some bargaining power over the the vet guy. Yeah, right. So he's, but then you're in a different situation in time. But wait, wait, so he's the nice grinder grinder guy. Yeah, yeah.

Right, not the guy who pushes people into the nice meat grinder. That's right. That makes them into better shape. Yeah, yeah, exactly. The boss could get nice grinded and then he'll look tougher. Right. But he'll be a beautiful piece.

Yeah. Which makes it harder. Like while he's superficially in a better negotiating position, his ability to negotiate from that position is going to be reduced by being a uniform paste. You know where I reckon it would affect you the most going through that. Tell me. I think it would be in your eyes because your eyes would be the same color as the rest

of your flesh. And then I think people would really be able of town. They go, have you done, you've recently been through a nice meat grinder? Thanks for noticing. Well, yes I have. You know, I think you're going to get these great eyes. They look at your abs. They look at your abs and say your abs are great. But your eyes are the same color as the rest of your flesh. Yeah. Which has got little flecks of bone for a while. I guess if you had a collection of gristle around part of the outside of the eye where the conjunctiva would be.

Oh yeah. You know, then it could at least sort of, you know, I guess that would just only be by luck. Yeah. But you would kind of, it would at least start to. Well, what luck, my lucky day, I should go by a lottery ticket. All this gristle around where the conjunctiva would be. Is the conjunctiva the part of the eye,

or is that these sort of sleep stuff that's in Europe? I think it's the white part. I think it's the egg white. Right. I think is that's the part that gets infected in conjunctivitis. Yeah, I love that word. I know.

I hope it's correct, because my dad told it to me years ago. And I've definitely- infected in conjunctivitis. Yeah, I love that word. I know. I hope it's correct, because my dad told it to me years ago. And I've definitely- You would hate to have your faith in him destroy this. I mean, at this point, you know, we've lived such a pretty good life together. It would be awful for us to get in. Such a pretty good life. Now, here's a different angle on things.

And sort of based around the get you into better shape thing. Why are there no meat babies? different angle on things and sort of based around the get you into better shape thing. Why are there no meat babies? And by that I mean, we have sausages. They're a tube. They're an unspecified tube shape. We have jelly babies. We're happy to eat lollies in the shape of people.

We're even happy to eat gingerbread in the shape of people, but there are no meat products that are in the shape of people. And I are no meat products that are in the shape of people. And I think that this is a gap in the market. Yeah. Not necessarily for cannibals. I don't think you have to be accountable to enjoy a sausage baby, but, you know. David, you seem like you have a question. Oh, it's just it just reminded me of a Simpsons reference. Marge makes meatloaf men to my episode. So they're like gingerbread men, except it's made out of meat.

But I don't think that exists as a real thing. Right. Well, then the Simpsons, what they did in the Simpsons, I think that would be fun. Well, maybe the way that we could separate it a little bit is by firstly not making it as a comedy. We could make it as a real company Right, right and second of all we could rather than this is the problem with gingerbread man and jelly babies and

Even these meatloaf men. They're not realistic. They're both not realistic, but also they're quite General and I think if you made specific people Out of me that is great like a a celebration, just celebrity endorsements, you get all of the Richmond football team or something like that. As a pack of sausage men. That's the thing, so many numbers on the back. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, numbers on the back, that's all done in sesame seeds or something like that. Or out of meat. Out of meat, you better, more meat. Could just be veins or something. Yeah, or it's seared onto them, like you know, sometimes you get the pre seared burgers and stuff like that Yeah, but I think maybe the whole sausage should be made in a mall. Oh, yeah, you know instead of like that

That whatever that tube is Just fill it up with a mold Yeah, and then afterwards you stamp like a kind of a food paint on it Food paint so that it actually looks like the whole team Looks like the whole team, they're all flesh colored already, they've got their little outfits on and stuff. Yeah, and then the kids will fight over which player they want to eat. Yeah. Because they don't want to eat.

And you're having trouble getting your kids to eat their sausages. Yeah. Well, the new Richmond Football Club tie and sausage man pack, you know, is out now and they can all want to eat their own half-pack That's right. Yeah, and you could do it with whatever like you could do it for every you could even do it I think with sort of Broccoli and carrots and things like that. Maybe you could grow you know like in Japan They grow sausage in the shape of a broccoli or a carrot. Yeah you know, like in Japan, they grow. Sossage in the shape of a broccoli or a carrot.

Yeah, sausage. It looks like, you know, like it looks like three types of vegetables, brussel sprouts. What about this? We also do loaves of bread that look like little, or slices of bread that look like a little stretcher. So it can be like the man is being carried off the field. Yeah, that's where you put a bit of tomato sauce on there

because he's got to cut above his eye or whatever. Yeah, he has to go off because of the blood rule. of the blood rule exactly the tomato sauce rule and then straight into your kids now Come on I wish I knew the name of a single football player is coming off the field Oh open up the doors to the sick bay Kid over his mouth you shove the sausage in there bites his head off it screams as well There's a little thing in there that makes it scream Yeah, there you go

More of a more of a scream of agony. Oh, yeah more like a more pro Yeah, that's fun. I like that. I could just be like a you could just you could put like a real animals sort of like Throat like voice box in there. And then just pack it with air. So that when you bite the air comes up. I've never felt anything scream inside my mouth before. You haven't lived. Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, me obviously. I've never made scream inside my mouth. I've never bitten the head off a chipmunk or anything like that. Not that I remember, not recently. Hmm. Well, not within living memory, but you forget a lot of your life. I think we've got a good number of sketches there. And I hope, Joe, that you're happy with your sausage sketch. You're another

sausage sketch. Specific football team. That's good. I feel we could sell this as an ad. You think you could sell that idea as an ad? I mean Jesus Christ, the garbage that they already do make, if they didn't buy this. I had another great idea for an ad. Can I tell you my great idea for an ad? I would be disappointed. I don't know what it's an ad for, right? But it feels like the sort of thing

that they'd make an ad for on an Australian TV. And it's almost like a parody of like a public health announcement of some kind, right? But it's about people who are left hanging in high fives, right? So the message is like, you is, you see some people celebrating, and then somebody goes up for a high five, and then the person, they're going to high five,

hugs someone next to them or something, and they're just left hanging there, and it goes into slow motion. Then we see another scenario where that's happening, another scenario, and then it's like every year, thousands of Australians are left hanging. And slow, sad music plays as we see all these people with their hands up, like slowly lowering them. And then it's something like, watch out for your mates and be aware.

And then like someone else comes in and like gives them the high five and the footage speeds up again. And then everybody's celebrating again. And it's, you know, back music's back and it's like good times and it's sort of thing. And it's back, music's back, and it's like good times, and it's sort of thing. And it's like, yeah, don't leave a mate hanging, and then it's an ad for, I don't know, fucking superannuation or dog vaccination. Yeah, I thought it was a maddo. I thought it was ideas.

I thought it would be an ad for some sort of service that actually gives people high fives, so they're not hanging. Like a charity. Yeah, or like a community service. Any, you're right. Like it's a thing where people wear like a vest, an orange vest or something.

And whenever there's like a social event or something, you employ them. So they're there to like pick up the hanging high fives. Like a security guardives like a security guard Like a security guard, but like in a personal designated high-fivert There would be really alert if there could be a little referee type character That would also work in an ad type thing They'd love that like a little high-energy little referee type carrying is running up and down the sidelines of the party

You always keeping an eye out see if anything's happening And it'll come in and he'll complete the the hanging high fives He's running up and down the sidelines of the party. He always keeping an eye out to see if anything's happening. You know, come in and he'll complete the hanging high fives. I feel like I almost burst my kidneys holding that sneeze. Don't hold it in. I know. I mean to. I was trying to just soften the outpacked.

Oh, thanks. Thanks for trying. The outpacked is the reverse of impact. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Even though it's not in packed. Anyway, the high five got. Should I write that down?

If you want. This is an idea I had. But it feels like. It'd be a good ad. That's my intention for something. All right, we're going to go through the sketches. Okay. It's because I'm going to get honking here.

Okay, we've got one true bystander, which is, you know, it's gotta be a bad man. So it's like the one true hero, but it's gotta be a bad man doing nothing. Cause if it was a good man, and they were doing nothing, then they, that's bad.

That's bad. That's all it takes for bad things to happen. Yeah. And if it's a good person doing something that are not a bystander, they're just a helper. They're like the first responder. All right, we're a hero. Then we got the performing CPR. What did we settle on for this one? There is so much. Something to do with the BG's. I mean, the best way to perform CPR is accompanied by the BG's. Yes.

Potentially at a hospital, but that's not necessary. But if possible, on one of the members of the BG's, because then there's a chance that you, if they don't make it, they might appreciate your staying alive skills and add you into the bank. And add you into the bank. So I think there might only be Barry left. Is it just Barry Gibbs? I was spotted doing CPR on one of the members of the Bee Gees and while he slipped away, my performance, my rhythm, I kept time so well.

Well, they could keep you in time. Hmm. One, two, three, one, two, three, like that. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, slipping away. Slipping away. And then we got nice jail. This is a place for people who haven't done anything long. You know, and that's for bad man, bad man who...

Take him away! Bad man who haven't done anything, which is a good thing. So you... You... Said them to a nice jail where there's a beautiful bench. There's a long bench and they're just... It's a beautiful room. Great in court, because it's when they say, you're on a...

Can I approach the bench? And they say, my one one or that really nice soft one over there in the corner. Over in nice jail. What do you think? What do you think, you're on a you be the judge. Where's the judge in the nice jail? Nice jail in the courtroom. No there's a court. Nice court. All right. They have long benches as well. Yeah, but not as long as in the nice gel. Okay. Much. It's still nice. I gotta give you something to look forward to. Yeah. You don't put your longest benches out in the court because you know that destroys all the

magic. Yeah. I mean, they could be nice in a different way. They could have a beautiful texture. Things could be nice in more than one way. Exactly. Well, just a real nice cool refreshing temperature, you know, like you touch something and you go, oh, I was expecting that to be a bit clammy. But this is like, this is kind of like a bit cool, but refreshing. That's the best temperature, isn't it? It's not cold. A bit cool, but refreshing, but not cold.

Yeah. It's temperature. You know, you could, you could sit on it with bare skin without like, whoa, let's shiver up your skin. I don't think I can ever be too refreshed, to be honest. It's hard. I mean, I try. Yeah, yeah. You can, I mean, you can drown from drinking too much water.

Is that, is that counted? Can you? Yeah. You can just, what a poisoning. That's not drowning. It's water poisoning. Different thing. Yeah, it's water poisoning, different thing. Yeah, but what if you have so much water in you that it goes to the top of your throat

and then it starts pouring into the air hole? Pouring over it to the air hole. Into the air hole. So you must feel like a real idiot now. Ear wallet. And we have ear wallet slash pocket. So it's for people who have no pockets or choose to, you know, let pockets go.

And then we got the lottery lottery, which is the bad lottery, but we don't call it that. No. Yeah. It's just a lottery that gives you money. Why don't we call it the bad lottery? Oh, it's just a lottery lottery. I mean, that, as soon as you guys started calling the lottery lottery, my brain was shouting it, why are they calling it the bad lottery? Oh, he's just a lottery lottery. I mean, as soon as you guys say, I call it a lottery lottery, my brain was shouting at,

why are they calling it the bad lottery? Oh, because they're like, I'll go along with it, but this doesn't see. The regular lottery is actually the nice lottery. Yeah, because it'd be confusing for people. But then why is it, why is it the lottery lottery? Well, because it just is. Because jail jail is jail.

So it's just lottery. No, no, no, because, you could just call it that if you wanted to save time That would be acceptable sure, but then look here's the here's the problem. I feel the listeners are gonna know who some people Some people will have been born before and like after anyone had ever called it lottery and know like after anyone had ever called it lottery and they won't they'll know the convention of the double thing means the bad one because of jail. Are we calling jail jail jail jail? Yeah, yeah, jail is going to be called jail jail. But then the bad one is called.

The good one is called nice jail. Right. The bad one is jail jail. All right, you've convinced me. Yeah, great. Lot of real. I killed myself. Then we got salted caramelized ocean. Yep. Yeah. And then I mean, there'll be some problems with that. No, I established in the premise that there won't be any problems. Oh, yeah. It's a little benefit. I forgot how we were writing that one. Sorry, it's my fault. That was a misreading on mine. I didn't write down no problems. Then we got bystanderman.

Is this the guy who's got the bystandie sense? Yes. Bystandie, that'll be my, I'll be him. Bystandymethus. I thought David was gonna play him. Sure. I could just stand by the here and and if you could play him.

I mean, you could be the bystander to the bystander man. Yeah sidekick. Yeah, is it bystander bystander man? The man standing by yeah the man man standing by bystander man man That's right. We use an acronym Well MSBBSMM We use an acronym. MSBBS, amen. That's my name. You just put that on and just huge balls, letters.

Yeah, can you give me a vowel in this? Oh, but mmm, but then we got the phanta claws essentially the phanta claws of the Santa Claus, but you know you become an orange Then we got the nice meat grinder he lives at the North peel Orange County yeah orange County and then yeah the meat grinder, which gives you like a better shape. We've really started this new pattern of the nice thing. Yeah, really set the agenda for the list. Yeah, it's the same. Then we got the liquid metal drowner. I'm just really interested in the business. The business. Remember that one. He's the guy who's the guy who don't remember that one. He's the guy who's... As you know, Vats, he's nice.

He's not as nice as the nicest meat grinder man. Oh, right. Liquid metal, man. Yeah, so like liquid metal drowner, because he even drowns people in liquid metal. And he's drowning, by the way. Yeah. He's the drowning that gets you.

Not the burning up in the liquid metal. I wonder, we clear you drown. Yeah. And you know that if you drink too much liquid metal. I want to be clear, you drown. Yeah. And you know that if you drink too much liquid metal, you can drown. That's a fact. Yeah, but you wouldn't be refreshed at all. No.

Yeah, so it's just different in that way. There's no benefits to that one. Then you got meat people. This is specific celebrities that you make out of meat for especially like whole trays of sausages that are like turned into football teams and things like that. That's a great idea. Yeah.

Thanks. And the winner. I mean, like... Do you reckon it's real human hair as well, donated from the team on the house? Why not pig hair? Why not pig hair? Why not pig hair?

Why not pig hair? Pig hair? Pig hair? Pig hair? Pig hair? I think they have short hair, which you only need short hair for because there's quite small sauce in there. Cautables.

And most football players are quite short hair already. This will be quite lucky. I lost for doing the women's teams. We can. We wouldn't not do that. I think if you're starting this, you've got to, for every male team you're doing, you're making a female team. You're going to have a team.

You've got to have a team. You've got to have a team. You've got to have a team. You've got to have a team. You've got it for every male team you're doing, you're making a female team. You can have a chiseled W, a chiseled quadra. Chiseled quadra. You could do half sausage, men, half sausage women. And then, I guess, for the women, you would use horse hair. So you can get long hair. Or you could make this women's sausage a smaller,

chip a lot, as you know, like that. So you can just- Savaloise? Savaloise, but just so you can use the same length hairs, but to get a bit more length out of it. Yeah, that's great. What about gender transitioning? Would you have them represented with like trans fats

in the sausage of some sort? Look, I think that's absolutely doable. I think we're gonna use the types of fats to communicate a lot of things in this. I think that actually the AFL is currently working, is still working through that issue. That's a very vexed issue for the AFL W. I believe so, yeah.

Yes, they've recently banned someone, I think. I think they came down and they said that we're going to ban trans people. So we can hold off on the sausage decision until they figure that out. I think you're absolutely correct. Well, I know. I feel like we have an opportunity to be leaders here.

And I think that's true. We could include trans people in the sausages. In all the sausages, yeah. I think that's a fair thing to do. And they'll look to us, say, what are the sausage people doing? What are the sausage people who make sausage representations of the people who plan our league doing it? Yeah.

And it's like the local councils who are deciding to move their Australia days celebration before it has officially been moved. Yeah, absolutely. Where those little local councils were, yeah, and but we're a big butchers. Yes. So human celebrity making butchers, but then we also make fictional people who don't yet play in their leagues. Yeah. Yeah.

These, yeah. It's a respireational. And then we've also just got high five guy. He's a guy and then it's an ad mostly. Yep. Of a guy who gets rejected. C'mon, say, and finishes the high five. Really high fives.

And then it's for a company that finishes high fives, right? Yeah, it could be, or it's an ad for any old fucking companies. It could be for perfume. Yeah, exactly know yeah exactly perfume or retreading tires. No stril, hair pluckers away. No stril hair pluckers exactly. Don't leave a mate hanging that's great because you have those little hanging hairs and stuff and it ties in really well. Really well. Do they retread ties anymore or is that a thing they don't do anymore?, I thought I got away with it as well, David. But I forgot that I was working with the green bow

and he doesn't let you get away with shit like that. Alright, I know, I don't know if it's true. I know if it's true. I should have saved that for one of the podcasts where we didn't have... Oh, you had that idea locked and loaded for months. For months. I did for months and I thought this is the perfect opportunity

to let it slip. Well, you know, I can't spot an unrealistic idea. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things.

I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things.

I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. I did a lot of things. Well, I don't know. Yeah, well, you just thought you'd raise the doubt. Yeah. It might be looked like an idiot on my own podcast. Oh, you don't know, I don't.

So. Yes, more down. It's like the same amount of doubt. No, no, I think I feel like there's more. There's exactly as much doubt. Oh, no, because now I doubt your confidence. What? I'm shouting.

How can you doubt my confidence? It's the most confident volume. Loud. sounds like you're overdoing it now feels like me you doubt anyway we're gonna go back into the song and then we're gonna go into the rap up yeah Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh. Thank you everybody for listening to the podcast, too, in the think tank. With Alistair and Andy and David M. Green. David, where can people find you on the internet?

Yeah, I'm on there. I got a website. There's not much on there. It's DavidMGreen.com. Is that a good place to's not much on there. It's David M Green dot com Is that a good place to go to like get things like your very funny web series VHS review? Yeah, I guess all the links. It's like a hub So all the links to everything else is there all the Twitter. Well, you just find me on Twitter David underscore M underscore green great. I was too slow getting the David M green someone else has got I can't believe that

I'm really sorry. I was pretty late to Twitter. Yeah. It felt like I was kind of late, but I was still pretty early. Yeah. Compared to you, maybe. I was hoping to get at Jack, but that was taken. Damn. Yeah.

To get that, you would have had to have invented Twitter. I think. Yes, yes, you probably. I came in just after they invented Twitter. Pre-invent invented. Yeah, anyway um You can find me at I'll put all the links to your stuff down down below sure. Thank you Thank you. Thank you for having me. Yes, David's David's

VHS review series is very funny. Thank you. There's an ad for retreading tires. That's that's I'll do you bring this previous backup, don't you just help let it go, can you? No, that's good. We're at Two in Tank. I'm at Alistar TV. I'm at Stupid Old Andy. We love it. It helps the podcast.

If you rate and review, we've had some reviews recently and we love them. But, you know, if you have a chance to rate and review the podcast, it doesn't take very long at all. You give us five stars. Go on that.

Go on that Apple Apple iTunes or whatever. Yeah. When you go on Microsoft iTunes, you go on Stitcher, right? You know, whatever you want to do any any of the iTunes that I do. All right. Yeah. And give us any number of any, any prime number between four and six of stars. Yeah, and That it just that it make my and you can go on the patreon the eight dollars for the extra episodes three

Very funny episode of magma there you go, and that's great and also you can there's actually no limit on the amount of money that you can give Yeah, so that's crazy. So that Andy can. I would feel more comfortable if you didn't bring this up. Andy, I think I feel like you're, you're, you're doing, you're doing so well in so many ways. And that it's so great to be able to sort of hold this over you. So many of the numbers in my life are high numbers. Yeah. Number of children. Yeah, you know, size of mortgage. But money left over after paying your free time,

that would be pretty low. Yeah, that's one of the low ones, yeah. Free time number. The number of free times I have. If you guys can also donate free time to Andy, through Patreon. Oh, that'd be so good. Anyway, sorry about asking for money.

I don't know what. I'm mostly joking, but then I can't remember that I'm not sure if I am. Anyway. Oh. Oh. Oh. And then I think that's it.

Yes. So we love you. Thank you David, by the way. Thank you. This podcast is part by the way. Thank you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT.

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